I'll be right with you.
So, Cameron. Here you go.
Nine schools in 1 0 years. My, my. Army brat?
-Yeah. My dad is... -That's enough.
I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old schools.
Same little ass-wipe shit-for-brains everywhere.
Excuse me? Did you just say... Am I in the right office?
Not anymore, you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish.
Now, scoot. Scoot!
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
Only so we can have these moments together. Should I hit the lights?
Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy.
Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
Aren't we the optimist?
Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay?
Hello! Michael Eckman. I'm supposed to show you around.
Oh, hi. Thank God. You know...
Normally they send down one of those audio visual geeks.
No, I do. I know what you mean.
Hey, Michael, where should I put those slides?
Michael? So... Cameron.
Here's the breakdown. Over there, we've got your basic beautiful people.
Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don't bother.
-Wait. Is that your rule or theirs? -Watch. Hey, there.
-Eat me. -You see that?
To the left, we have the coffee kids.
-That was Costa Rican, butthead! -Very edgy.
Don't make any sudden movements around them.
These delusionals are your white Rastas.
They're big Marley fans. They think they're black.
-Semi-political, but mostly... -Smoke a lot of weed?
-Yeah. These guys... -Wait, wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?
Yeah, but the closest they've come to a cow is McDonald's.
These are your future Mvys. We're all Ivy League accepted.
Yuppie greed is back, my friend.
-Hey, guys, how you doin'? -Close it, Bogey!
-Yesterday, I was their god. -What happened?
Bogey Lozenstein started a rumor that I...
That I buy my Izods at an outlet mall.
-So they kicked you out? -Hostile takeover. But don't worry.
-He'll pay. Now, over here... -Oh, my God.
-What group is she in? -The "don't even think about it" group.
That's Bianca Stratford. She's a sophomore.
I burn, I pine, I perish.
Of course you do. You know, she's beautiful and deep.
Yeah, but see, there's a difference between like and love.
Because I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.
But I love my Skechers.
That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
Listen, forget her. Incredibly uptight father.
And it's a widely known fact that the Stratford sisters aren't allowed to date.
Okay, then. What did everyone think of the Sun Also Rises?
I loved it. He's so romantic.
He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.
As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous hag who has no friends?
Pipe down, Chachi.
I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
What about Sylvia Plath, or Charlotte Bronte or Simone de Beauvoir?
What'd I miss?
The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.
-Hey, hey! -Mr. Morgan.
Is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol before she comes to class?
Someday you're gonna get bitch-slapped, and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
And, Kat, I want to thank you for your point of view.
I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper-middle class suburban oppression.
Must be tough.
But the next time you storm the P.T.A., crusading for better lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man!
-That's right, mon! -Don't even get me started on you two.
Yeah, go to the office. You're pissing me off.
-What? Mr. Morgan... -Later!
Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her red...
Crimson cape at the sight of Reginald's stiff and...
What's another word for "engorged"?
I'll look it up.
-Swollen. Turgid. -Tumescent?
So, I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class again.
Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgezay?
By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested.
I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
The point is, Kat...
People perceive you as somewhat...
"Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.
You might want to work on that.
As always, thank you for your excellent guidance.
I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member.
"Quivering member." I like that.
Virgin alert. Your favorite.
Lookin' good, ladies.
Oh, she's out of reach, even for you.
-No one's out of reach for me. -You wanna put money on that?
Money, I've got.
This I'm gonna do for fun.
-Who's that guy? -That's Joey Donner.
He's a jerk off, and a model.
-He's a model? -A model.
Mostly regional stuff, but he's rumored to have a big tube sock ad coming out.
Man, look at her. Is she always so...
-Vapid? -How can you say that? She's totally...
-Conceited. -What are you talking about?
There's more to her than you think.
Look at the way she smiles, and look at her eyes, man.
She's totally pure. You're missing what's there.
No, no, Cameron, no. What's there is a snotty little princess wearing a strategically planned sun dress to make guys like us realize that we can never touch her and guys like Joey realize that they want to.
She, my friend, is what we will spend the rest of our lives not having.
Put her in your spank bank, move on.
-Move on. -No, no. You're wrong about her.
I mean, you know, not about the spanking part, but the rest, you're wrong.
All right... I'm wrong? You wanna take a shot, be my guest.
She's actually looking for a French tutor.
Are you serious? That's perfect!
Do you speak French?
Well, no, but I will.
Hey. Your little Rambo look is out, Kat.
-Didn't you read last month's Cosmo? -Run along.
I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be under whelmed, but can you everjust be "whelmed"?
-I think you can in Europe. -Hi, ladies.
Would you szeet young things like a ride?
Careful on the leather.
That's a charming new development.
Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
-You okay? -Yeah.
Just a minor encounter with the shrew.
-That's your girlfriend's sister. -That's Bianca's sister?
The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
-Stay cool, bro. -Yeah, see you later.
My balls! Oh, boy.
Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.
-Hi, Daddy. -Hello, precious.
-And where have you been? -Nowhere.
Hey, what's this? It says Sarah Lawrence.
I got in!
Honey, that's great, but isn't Sarah Lawrence on the other side of the country?
Thus the basis of its appeal.
I thought we decided you were going to stay here and go to school.
"U-Dub," like me. Be a Husky.
No, you decided.
Oh, okay, so what, you just pick up and leave, is that it?
Let's hope so.
Ask Bianca who drove her home.
Kat, don't change the... Drove? Who drove you home?
Now, don't get upset, Daddy, but there's this boy...
-Who's a flaming imbecile. -And I think he might ask me...
Please. I think I know what he's going to ask you.
And I think I know the answer. No. It's always no.
What are the two house rules?
Number one, no dating till you graduate.
Number two, no dating till you graduate.
-That's it. -Daddy, that's so unfair.
All right, you want to know what's unfair? This is for you, too.
This morning I delivered a set of twins to a 1 5-year-old girl.
Do you know what she said to me?
I'm a crack whore who should have made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom?
Close, but no.
She said, "I should have listened to my father."
-She did not. -Well, that's what she would have said if she wasn't so doped up.
Can we focus on me for a second, please?
I am the only girl in school who's not dating.
Oh, no, you're not. Your sister doesn't date.
And I don't intend to.
And why is that again?
Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?
Where did you come from? Planet Loser?
As opposed to Planet Look At Me, Look At Me.
Okay, here's how we solve this one.
Old rule out. New rule, Bianca can date
when she does.
But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?
Then you'll never date. Oh, I like that.
And I'll get to sleep at night.
The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren't out being impregnated.
-We'll talk about Sarah Lawrence later. -Fine.
-Wait! Daddy! -Gotta go.
Can't you just find some blind, deaf retard to take you to the movies so I can have one date?
I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just have to miss out on the witty repartee of Joey "Eat Me" Donner.
Hi. Can we make this quick?
Roxanne Corinne and Andrew Jarrett are having an incredibly horrendous public break-up on the quad, again.
Oh, yeah, okay. I thought that we'd start with pronunciation, if that's all right with you.
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part, please.
Well, there is an alternative.
-There is? -Yeah, French food.
We could eat some together Saturday night?
You're asking me out?
That's so cute. What's your name again?
Cameron. Listen, I know that your dad doesn't let you date, but I thought that if it was for French class...
-Oh, wait a minute. Curtis... -Cameron.
My dad just came up with a new rule. I can date when my sister does.
You're kidding. Let me ask you, do you like sailing?
'Cause I read about this place that rents boats...
A beaucoup problemo, Calvin.
In case you haven't heard, my sister's a particularly hideous breed of loser.
Yeah. Yeah, I noticed she's a little antisocial.
-Why is that? -Unsolved mystery.
She used to be really popular, and then it was like she got sick of it or something.
Theories abound as to why, but I'm pretty sure she's just incapable of human interaction.
Plus, she's a bitch.
Well, yeah, but I'm sure, you know, that there are lots of guys who wouldn't mind going out with a difficult woman.
I mean, you know, people jump out of airplanes and ski off cliffs.
It'd be like "Extreme Dating."
You think you could find someone that extreme?
Yeah, sure, why not?
-And you'd do that for me? -Hell, yes!
I mean, you know, I could look into it.
Now, I have gathered a group of guys, couldn't be more perfect.
Hi. How you doin'?
Would any of you be interested in dating Katarina Stratford?
I've never been that ripped.
Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep.
Are there sheep?
Did I or did I not tell you it was pointless?
No one will go out with her.
Hey, hey, what about him?
Him? No, don't... Don't look at him, okay?
He's a criminal. I heard he lit a state trooper on fire.
-He just did a year in San Quentin. -Well, at least he's horny.
I'm serious, man. He's whacked.
He sold his own liver on the black market for a new set of speakers.
He's our guy.
Hi. How you doin'?
Okay. Later, then.
How do we get him to date Kat?
I don't know.
I mean, we could pay him, but we don't have any money.
Yeah, well, what we need is a backer.
-What's that? -Someone with money who's stupid.
Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? Because you don't see many...
Oh, okay. Yeah. All right.
-Are you lost? -No.
Actually, I just came by to chat.
-We don't chat. -Well, actually, I thought that I'd run an idea by you, just to see if you're interested.
-I'm not. -Well, hear me out.
Now, you want Bianca, right?
But she can't go out with you because her sister is this insane head case, and no one will go out with her, right?
Does this conversation have a purpose?
What I think you need to do, is you need to hire a guy who'll go out with her.
Someone who doesn't scare so easily.
-I heard he ate a live duck once. -Everything but the beak and feet.
Clearly, he's a solid investment.
-What's in it for you? -Hey.
I'm walking down the hall and I say hello to you, you say hello to me.
Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're cool by association.
I'll think about it.
-We're done now. -Yeah.
What are you doing getting him involved?
Relax, now. Relax.
We let him pretend he's calling the shots.
While he's busy setting things up, you have time with Bianca.
That is a good idea. All right.
I have a dick on my face, don't I?
Now, remember, guys, grip it and rip it.
Hey. How you doin'?
I had some great duck last night.
Do I know you?
You see that girl?
-Yeah. -That's Kat Stratford.
I want you to go out with her.
Yeah, sure, Sparky.
Look, I can't take out her sister until Kat starts dating.
You see, their dad's whacked out. He's got this rule where the girls...
That's a touching story. It really is. Not my problem.
Would you be willing to make it your problem if I provide generous compensation?
You're gonna pay me to take out some chick?
-How much? -Twenty bucks.
Well, let's think about this.
We go to the movies, that's 1 5 bucks.
We get popcorn, that's 53.
And she'll want Raisinets, right?
So, we're looking at 75 bucks.
This isn't a negotiation. Take it or leave it, Trailer Park.
Fifty bucks and we got a deal, Fabio.
Great practice, everybody.
-Good hustle, Stratford. -Thanks, Mr. Chapin.
Hey there, girlie. How you doin'?
Sweating like a pig, actually. And yourself?
Now, there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh?
My mission in life.
But obviously, I struck your fancy, so, you see, it worked.
The world makes sense again.
-Pick you up on Friday, then. -Oh, right. Friday.
Well, the night I take you places you've never been before.
Like where? The 7-Eleven on Broadway?
Do you even know my name, screw boy?
I know a lot more than you think.
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
We are screwed.
Hey, I don't want to hear that defeatist attitude.
-I want to hear you upbeat. -We're screwed!
-There you go. -Hey, Coach Chapin!
Have you ever considered a new look?
I mean, seriously. You could have some definite potential buried under all this hostility.
I'm not hostile. I'm annoyed.
Why don't you try being nice?
People wouldn't know what to think.
You forget, I don't care what people think.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
You don't always have to be who they want you to be, you know.
I happen to like being adored, thank you.
Where'd you get the pearls?
And you've been what, hiding them for three years?
No. Daddy found them in a drawer last week.
So you're just gonna start wearing them now?
It's not like she's coming back to claim them!
Besides, they look good on me.
Trust me. They don't.
Nice ride. Vintage fenders.
Are you following me?
I was in the Laundromat. I saw your car. I came over to say hi.
-Not a big talker, huh? -Depends on the topic.
My fenders don't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
-You're not afraid of me, are you? -Why would I be afraid of you?
-Well, most people are. -Well, I'm not.
Well, maybe you're not afraid of me, but I'm sure you've thought about me naked.
Am I that transparent?
I want you, I need you. Oh, baby, oh, baby.
What is it, asshole day?
-Do you mind? -Not at all.
My insurance does not cover PMS!
Well, then tell them I had a seizure.
Is this about Sarah Lawrence?
Are you punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?
Aren't you punishing me because Mom left?
You think you could leave her out of this?
Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me.
I'm your father. That's my right.
So what I want doesn't matter.
You're 1 8. You don't know what you want.
And you won't know what you want till you're 45, and even if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.
I want to go to an East Coast school!
I want you to trust me to make my own choices, and I want you to stop trying to control my life just because you can't control yours!
Yeah? Well, you know what I want?
We'll continue this later.
Did you just maim Joey's car?
Yeah. Looks like you're gonna have to take the bus.
Has the fact that you're completely psycho managed to escape your attention?
-When I shell out 50, I expect results. -Yeah, I'm on it.
Watching that bitch violate my car doesn't count as a date.
Now, if you don't get any, I don't get any.
So get some.
I just upped my price.
-What? -Hundred bucks a date.
-In advance. -Forget it.
Well, forget her sister, then.
You better hope you're as smooth as you think you are, Verona.
-Go. -No, you go.
I went before.
We know what you're trying to do with Kat Stratford.
Is that right? What do you plan to do about it?
-Help you out. -Why's that?
The situation is, my man Cameron here has a majorjones for Bianca Stratford.
What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?
-Hey! -I... I think I speak correctly when I say that Cameron's love is pure, purer than, say, Joey Donner's.
I'm in this for the cash. Donner can plow whoever he wants.
Okay, there will be no plowing.
Let me explain something to you here.
We set this whole thing up so Cameron can get the girl. Cameron.
Joey's just a pawn.
So, you two are gonna help me tame the wild beast.
We'll do some research, we'll find out what she likes.
We're your guys.
And he means that in a strictly non-prison movie type of way.
Let's start here.
Now, Friday night, Bogey Lozenstein is having a party.
It's the perfect opportunity.
-Perfect opportunity for what? -For you to take out Kat.
I'll think about it.
And for a little payback.
This is gonna be some party.
Let's do this.
Now, this is really important, okay?
Which one do you like better?
I think I like the white shirt better.
-Yeah, it's... It's more... -Pensive?
Damn. I was going for thoughtful.
So, are you going to Bogey Lozenbrau's thing on Friday night?
Yeah, I might.
Good, 'cause you know, I'm not gonna bother if you won't be there.
See you there.
-Okay. -All right.
So, have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's party?
Yes, and I really, really, really want to go.
But you know I can't. Not unless my sister does.
Yeah, I know. I'm working on that, but so far, you know, she's not going for my guy.
-She's not a... -K.D. Lang fan? No.
I found a picture of Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex tendencies.
Okay, so that's the kind of guys she likes... Like, pretty guys.
I don't know. All I've ever heard her say is that she'd die before dating a guy that smokes.
Okay, all right, no smoking. What else?
You're asking me to investigate the inner workings of my sister's twisted mind?
I don't think so.
Well, nothing else has worked.
We need to go behind enemy lines here.
Okay, here we go.
Class schedule, reading list, date book, concert tickets, concert tickets.
What does that tell us?
She wants to have sex someday, that's what.
You... She could just like the color.
You don't buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
So... Can I see your room?
A girl's room is very personal.
-Nice bike. -Yeah, you think so?
Wow. Is this what a bar looks like?
Don't touch anything. You may get hepatitis.
So, what have you got for me?
A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Excuse me. Just one question before we start.
Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
-What? -Nothing. Nothing.
All right, first thing. Kat hates smokers.
So, you're telling me I'm a non-smoker.
-Yes. Well, just for now. -And here's another problem.
Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.
Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
He's very pretty!
-This is a gorgeous guy. -I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
All right. Yeah, okay. Here's this.
"Thai food, feminist prose and angry girl music
"of the indie rock persuasion."
Here's a list of CDs she has in her room.
So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
I can't be seen at Club Skunk, all right?
But she'll be there. She's got tickets.
Assail your ears for one night.
She has a pair of black underwear.
If that helps.
Couldn't hurt, right?
Verona! What are you doing here?
I need agua!
If you're planning on asking me out, you might as well just get it over with.
Do you mind? You're kind of ruining this for me.
You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.
I know. I quit. Apparently they're bad for you.
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or the Raincoats.
But they're not bad.
-You know who the Raincoats are? -Why, don't you?
I was watching you out there before. I've never seen you look so sexy.
-Come to Bogey's party with me. -You never give up, do you?
Was that a yes?
-No. -Well, then, was that a no?
-No. -I'll see you at 9:30 then!
Should have used the window.
-Hi, Daddy. -Hi.
Where are we going?
Well, if you must know, a small study group of friends.
Otherwise known as an orgy?
Mr. Stratford, it's just a party.
And hell is just a sauna.
Do you know anything about a party?
-People expect me to be there. -Kat's not going, you're not going.
Why can't you be normal?
-Define "normal." -Bogey Lozenstein's party is normal.
-What's a Bogey Lozenstein? -Bogey's party is just a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless...
-Meaningless, consumer-driven lives. -Meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
Can you, forjust one night, forget that you're completely wretched and be my sister?
Come on, Kat. Please do this for me.
Fine. I'll make an appearance.
-It's starting. -It's just a party, Daddy.
I want you to wear the belly.
Not all night.
Just around the living room for a minute so you can understand the full weight of your decisions.
-I am perfectly aware... -Listen to me.
Every time you even think about kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing this under your halter top.
You are so completely unbalanced.
-We're going now. -All right, wait a minute.
No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, no ritual animal slaughters of any kind.
Oh, God, I'm giving them ideas.
-What are you doing here? -9:30, right?
-Oh, I'm early. -Whatever. I'm driving.
Who knocked up your sister?
So then, Bianca says that I was right, that she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that dress because she thought that it was mixing genres, right?
And the fact that I noticed, and this is a direct quote, listen, "Really meant something."
You told me that part already.
I've been thinking about her all the time.
Stop being so self-involved for one minute. How do I look?
You look like my Great Uncle Milton.
-You think I should lose the tie? -Yeah.
Maybe you're right. I'm just so nervous.
And I'm also very excited. I'm nervous, I'm excited.
It's all very mixed up. I don't know what to do!
All right, just calm down, all right?
The last party I went to was at Chuck E. Cheese.
You want to talk about some fun. That's a good time.
Now, remember, guys. Don't touch anything.
What did I tell you?
Must be Nigel with the Brie.
You know, I'm... I'm thinking of getting a Tercel.
Yeah, that's a Toyota.
It has dual side air bags and a spacious back seat.
-Kiss me! -Kiss him.
Hey, thanks, man!
Looking fresh tonight, pussycat.
Wait. Was that... Did your hairline just recede?
-Hey, where are you goin'? -Away.
-Your sister here? -Stay away from my sister.
Oh, I'll stay away from your sister.
But I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.
You guys, please! Take it outside!
Hey, Kat. Look who found me.
-Bianca, wait. -Please do not address me in public.
No, there's something I need to tell you.
I am busy enjoying my adolescence, so scamper off and do the same.
-What is this? -Right on, sister!
I've been looking all over the place for you.
I'm getting trashed, man. Isn't that what you're supposed to do at a party?
I don't know. I say do what you want to do.
Funny. You're the only one.
Lord of the dance! Hi, Heather.
-Bite me. -Should've kept the tie.
Hey. Hey, have you seen her around anywhere?
-Relax. -Relax? I'm fine.
Follow the love.
Oh, hi, Cameron.
You know Chastity?
Yeah. I think we have art together, right?
You really look amazing.
-Thanks. -And we all know I look amazing.
Bianca, let's go. We're all congregating around Mr. Cuervo.
I'll see you around, okay?
So, I've got the Sears catalog thing going, and the tube sock gig, that is gonna be huge.
And I'm up for a hemorrhoid cream ad next week.
I know it sounds kind of bogus, but...
I get to do some acting.
You see what I did there?
That was underwear. I'll show you the bathing suit one again.
You see the difference?
All right, I'll show you guys.
Is it me, or does this party all of a sudden suck?
Really, really, thank you!
Hey. Hey, Kat, why don't you let me have this one, huh?
No! This one's mine.
My man! How did you get her to do it?
-Do what? -Act like a human.
Yeah! All right!
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
You're not fine. Come on.
I just need to lie down.
You lie down and you'll go to sleep.
-Sleep is good. -Not if you have a concussion.
Come on. Here, sit down.
-Sit. -Hey, hey, we need to talk.
-I'm a little busy right now. -Can you give me a second?
-What? -It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.
What are you talking about?
She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.
Cameron, do you like the girl?
-Yeah. -And is she worth all this trouble?
I thought she was, but, you know, I...
Well, she is or she isn't.
See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are.
Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.
Go for it!
-Come on. -Why?
This is so patronizing.
Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.
-I don't think so. -Kat.
-Why are you doing this? -I told you. You may have a concussion.
You don't care if I never wake up.
-Sure I do. -Why?
Because then I'd have to start taking out girls who actually like me.
-Like you could find one. -Oh, see? That, there.
Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?
-I just... Let me sit down for a while. -All right. There.
-So, why'd you let him get to you? -Who?
-Joey. -I hate him.
Well, you've chosen the perfect revenge, mainlining tequila.
-Well, you know what they say. -Nope. What do they say?
No, no, no, no. Kat, come on, wake up! Look at me!
Listen to me, Kat! Open your eyes!
Your eyes have a little green in them.
I don't know if we should go.
Hey, a bunch of us are going to Jarrett's. Ready?
I have to be home in 20 minutes.
Well, you know I don't have to be home till 2:00, so...
-One more chance. -Man, I can't.
-Damn. -That's a shame.
-You wanna go? -Sure.
-Chastity! -Hey, you passed.
-Hey. Have fun tonight? -Tons.
Do you think you could give me a ride home?
I should do this.
-Do what? -This!
-Start a band? -No, install car stereos.
Yeah, start a band. My father would love that.
You don't strike me as the type that would ask your father for permission.
-Oh, so now you think you know me? -I'm getting there.
The only thing people know about me is that I'm scary.
Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.
So what's up with your dad? Is he... Is he a pain in the ass?
No, he just wants me to be somebody that I'm not.
No offense or anything... I mean I know everyone "digs" your sister, but she's without.
you're not as vile as I thought you were.
Maybe we should do this another time.
You never wanted to go sailing with me, did you?
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
Okay, no, not actually...
Well, then that's all you had to say.
Have you always been this selfish?
You know, just 'cause you're beautiful, that doesn't mean that you can treat people like they don't matter.
I mean, I really liked you, okay.
I defended you when people called you conceited, I helped you when you asked me to, I learned French for you and then you just blow me off so you could...
And I'm back in the game!
Kat, me lady. You szay to the rhythm of me heart.
Dance for me, cozgirl.
Kat, babe, what do we oze you for the table dance?
All right, not that I give a damn, but how was everybody's weekend?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe we should ask Kat.
Unless she kicked the crap out of your dumb butt, I don't wanna hear about it.
Okay, let's open up our books to page 73, Sonnet 141.
And listen up.
"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes
"For they in thee a thousand errors note
"But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise
"Who, in despite of view, is pleas'd to dote"
Now, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy, but he knozs his shit, so we can overlook that.
I want you all to write your own version of this sonnet.
Yes, Miss I-Have-An-Opinion- About-Everything?
Do you want this in iambic pentameter?
You're not gonna fight me on this?
No, I think it's a really good assignment.
You're just messin' with me, aren't you?
No, I'm really looking forward to writing it.
Get out of my class.
-What? -Out. Get out!
-Thanks, Mr. Morgan. -Shut up.
Hey. Cool picture.
What's that collar for? Is that to keep him from licking his stitches?
Kidding. No, because I know you're a fan of Shakespeare.
More than a fan. We're involved.
"Who could refrain That had a heart to love
-"and in that heart..." -"Courage to make love known."
-That's Macbeth, right? -Right.
So, listen, I... I have this friend, and he likes your friend...
What did you do to her?
I didn't do anything. She would've been too drunk to remember.
But the plan was working.
What do you care? I thought you wanted out.
Yeah, well, I did, but that was until she kissed me.
-Where? -In the car.
-Dweeb! Putz! -I'm sorry.
All right, I talked to her.
-I got the scoop. -What'd she say?
"Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns."
That's a direct quote.
Thanks, Michael. That's very comforting of you.
We don't know. She could need a day to cool off.
Can you imagine who would go to that antiquated mating ritual?
I would, but I don't have a date.
Do you really want to get all dressed up, so some Drakkar Noir-wearing dexter with a boner can feel you up while you're forced to listen to a band that by definition blozs?
All right, all right, we won't go.
It's not like I've got a dress anyway.
You're looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective.
We're making a statement.
Oh, goody. Something new and different for us.
-Hey there, Cupid. -Hi, Joey.
You're concentrating awfully hard considering it's gym class.
-Can I help you? -I want to talk to you about prom.
Look, you know the deal. I can't go if Kat doesn't go.
Your sister is going.
-Since when? -Let's just say I'm taking care of it.
This should take care of the flozers, the limo, the tux, everything.
Just make sure she gets to the prom.
Do you know what? I'm sick of playing your little game.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
You sick of, let's say, 300?
Excuse me. Have you seen The Feminine Mystique?
I've lost my copy.
-What are you doing here? -I heard there was a poetry reading.
-You're so... -Charming.
You're not as mean as you think you are, you know that?
And you're not as badass as you think you are.
Someone still has her panties in a twist.
Don't for one minute think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.
Then what did I have an effect on?
Other than my upchuck reflex, nothing.
You're right, she's still pissed.
"Sweet love, renew thy force"
Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.
Look, you embarrassed the girl.
Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity and even the score.
Listen, don't say shit like that to him.
People can hear you.
You're just too good to be true Can't take my eyes off of you You'd be like heaven to touch l wanna hold you so much At long last love has arrived And l thank God l'm alive You're just too good to be true Can't take my eyes off of you
l love you, baby And if it's quite all right l need you, baby To warm the lonely night l love you, baby Trust in me when l say Oh, pretty baby Don't bring me down, l pray Oh, pretty baby Now that l found you, stay and let me love you, baby Let me love you
You look pretty nervous.
You're szeating like a pig.
Your eyes are all bloodshot.
You've got pot, don't you?
I'm confiscating this.
Mr. Chapin, can I talk to you for a second?
What can I do for you, Stratford?
I have some ideas on how we can improve the girls' soccer team.
Great! Let's talk about it later.
As you know, we have a really big game with Hillcrest High...
Your bicep is huge!
Oh, my God. The other one's even bigger.
You don't take steroids, do you, because I've heard steroids can severely disintegrate your package?
Not that I'm thinking about your package.
-That's not the point. -Let's hope not.
The point is they kick our butts every year.
I was thinking, I devised a plan that will enable us to finally defeat them.
-That thing that you taught us. -What thing?
-Misdirection. -I taught you that?
Yeah, you or Siegfried or Roy? Anyway, that's not important.
The... Think about it.
They're looking left and we're running right.
Bang, we score. We win.
Okay, but how do we get 'em to look left?
Okay. Well, now that you've seen "the plan,"
I'm gonna go and show "the plan" to someone else.
I can't thank you enough for helping me sneak out of detention.
-Very cool. -No problem.
I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing out that window, I tell ya.
So, how did you keep him distracted?
I dazzled him with my wits.
-So, what's your excuse? -For?
For acting the way we do?
I don't like to do what people expect.
Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?
So, you disappoint 'em from the start and then you're covered, right?
Something like that.
-Then you screzed up. -How?
You never disappointed me.
Are you up for it?
Up for what?
All right, come on.
No, none of that stuff is true.
-State trooper. -Fallacy. Dead guy in the parking lot?
Rumor. The duck?
Hearsay. Bobby Ridgezay's balls?
Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me in the lunch line.
-Fair enough. -The accent?
It's real. I lived in Australia until I was 1 0.
-With the Pygmies? -Close.
With my mom.
Where were you last year? I know the porn career is a lie.
-Tell me something true. -Something true.
I hate peas.
No. Something real. Something no one else knozs.
Okay. You're szeet,
and sexy, and completely hot for me.
You are amazingly self-assured. Has anyone ever told you that?
I tell myself that every day, actually.
-Go to the prom with me. -Is that a request or a command?
Come on. Go with me.
-No. -No? Why not?
Because I don't want to. Because it's a stupid tradition.
Come on. People won't expect you to go.
Why are you pushing this?
What's in it for you?
So now I need to have a motive to want to be with you?
You tell me.
You need therapy, you know that?
Has anyone ever told you that?
-Anszer the question, Patrick. -Nothing!
There is nothing in it for me, just the pleasure of your company. Okay?
Wait. Wait a minute. That... That's not on this page.
-Daddy? -Hi, honey.
I'd like to discuss tomorrow night with you. As you know, it's the prom...
The prom? Kat has a date?
Don't think you're fooling me.
I know who you wanna bend the rules for.
It's that hot-rod Joey.
What's a hot rod?
It's a... If your sister's not going, you're not going. End of story.
Okay, let's review.
Kat, not interested, me, dying to go.
Do you know what happens at proms?
Yes, Daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll come home.
It's not quite the crisis situation you imagine.
Kissing, huh? That's what you think happens?
Got nezs for you.
Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbozs in placenta all day long.
Can we for two seconds ignore the fact that you're severely unhinged, and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy?
What's normal? Those damn Dazson's River kids, sleeping in each other's beds and whatnot?
-Daddy, that is so not... -Got nezs for ya.
I'm down. I've got the 4-1 -1 .
And you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy.
I don't care how dope his ride is.
My mama didn't raise no fool.
Ridiculous amounts of love across this nation worldwide.
This is the true story.
Listen, I know...
I know you hate having to sit at home because I'm not Suzy High School.
-Like you care. -I do care.
But I'm a firm believer in doing something for your own reasons, and not someone else's.
Well, I wish I had that luxury.
You know, I'm the only sophomore that got asked to go to the prom, and I can't go because you don't feel like it.
Joey never told you that we went out, did he?
-Yeah, okay. -In ninth, for a month.
-Why? -Because he was, like, such a babe.
-But you hate Joey. -Now I do.
So, what happened?
Please tell me you're joking.
Just once, right after Mom left.
Everyone was doing it, so...
I did it.
Afterwards I told him I didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready, and he got pissed and he dumped me.
After that I szore I'd never do anything just because everyone else was doing it.
And I haven't since, with the exception of Bogey's party and my stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
How is it possible that I did not know about this?
I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading squad would find out how tiny his dick is.
Okay, so why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to let you make up your mind about him.
Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage?
It's not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your mistakes.
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
By not letting me experience anything for myself?
Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
You can't always trust the people you want to.
Well, I guess I'll never know, will I?
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Bye, Dad. I'm going to the prom.
Funny, szeetie. lt instantly covers your bald spot leaving you with great looking hair.
-What's that? -A prom dress.
I seem to be hearing that word a lot lately.
-Hi. -Wow. I...
-Bye, Daddy. -Stop.
Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Kat dated?
Well, she found this guy who's actually kind of perfect for her which is perfect for me, because Cameron asked me to go to the prom and I really, really wanna go, and since Kat went, I guess I'm allozed to, based on the aforementioned rule, and its previous stipulations, of course.
-Nice to meet you. -Let's go.
I know every cop in town, bucko!
This is not good.
Where'd you get a tux at the last minute?
Oh, just something I had, you know, lying around.
Where'd you get the dress?
Oh, just something I had, you know, lying around.
Listen, I'm really sorry that I questioned your motives.
I was wrong.
-Ready for the prom? -Yes, ma'am.
Hi, Mr. Stratford. I'm Joey. I'm here to pick up Bianca.
-Have you seen him? -Who?
William. He asked me to meet him here.
Oh, Mandella, please tell me you haven't progressed to full-on hallucinations.
-Milady. -Good sir.
Oh, my God, it's...
I called in a favor!
What are you doing here?
I know you didn't think you were the only sophomore at the prom.
Joey just picked me up.
Oh, well, congratulations. He's all yours.
Very generous, princess.
And just so you know, Joey only liked you for one reason.
He even had a bet going with his friends.
He was gonna nail you tonight.
That's where I was last year. I wasn't in jail.
I don't know Marilyn Manson and I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl, I don't think.
You see, my grandpa, he was ill so I spent most of the year on his couch watching Wheel ofFortune and making SpaghettiOs.
End of story.
Hey. What's Bianca doing here with that cheese dick?
I didn't pay you to take out Kat so some little punk could snake me with Bianca.
Nothing in it for you, huh?
The shit hath hitteth the faneth.
Joey, pal, compadre?
You messed with the wrong guy, and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay! You crossed the line.
Oh, come on! Get up, you little punk!
Shit, Bianca! I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
That's for making my date bleed! That's for my sister!
And that's for me.
Are you okay?
Never been better.
Would you give me a chance...
You were paid to take me out by the one person I truly hate.
I knew this was a set-up!
Kat, it wasn't like that, okay.
What was it like, a down payment now and a bonus for sleeping with me?
No, I didn't care about the money! I cared...
I cared about you.
You are so not who I thought you were.
So, you sure you don't want to go sailing with us? It'll be fun.
No, I'm fine.
Look, I don't know if I ever thanked you for going last night, but it really meant a lot to me.
-See you later. -Bye.
-Is... Is she okay? -I hope so.
Where's your sister going?
She's meeting some bikers, big ones, full of sperm.
So, tell me about this dance. Was it hoppin'?
Parts of it.
The part where Bianca beat the hell out of some guy.
Bianca did what?
What's the matter, upset that I rubbed off on her?
Fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives.
It means we've become spectators.
Bianca still lets me play a few innings. You've had me on the bench for years.
And when you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.
When I go?
Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind.
I already sent 'em a check.
All right, I assume everyone has found time to complete their poem, except for Mr. Donner, who has an excuse.
Shaft, lose the glasses.
All right, anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud?
Lord, here we go.
"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
"I hate the way you drive my car I hate it when you stare
"I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind
"I hate you so much it makes me sick It even makes me rhyme
"I hate it... I hate the way you're always right
"I hate it when you lie
"I hate it when you make me laugh even worse when you make me cry
"I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call
"But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close
"not even a little bit, not even at all"
-Nice, huh? -A Fender Strat?
Is it for me?
Yeah, I thought you could use it, you know, when you start your band.
Besides, I had some extra cash, you know.
Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl.
Is that right?
Yeah, but I screzed up. I... I fell for her.
It's not every day you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention.
You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.
And don't just think you can...
No offense. I know everyone "digs" your sister and all, but she's without.
You know, you're not as vile as I thought you were.
Okay. Let's go!
You're just messin' with me, aren't you?
No, I'm really looking forward to doing it.
Go see Miss Perky.
-What? -Go. Perky's. Go, now.
Once again. "Perky, now" is the second one.
-Perky's now. Perky's, now. -Right away.
-Now, Perky's. -Hey, hey.
-Now, Perky's. Perky's now. -At the beginning of the shot.
Bianca, let's go. We're all congregating around Mr. Cuervo.
I'll see you around, okay?
Don't worry. There's better for you, and it's right here.
Come here. No, I wanted you for so long.
You messed with the wrong guy, and now you're gonna pay.
You and that little bitch.
All right, that's enough, okay! You crossed the line.
What, are you kidding me?
-I'm driving, so I pick the tunes. -And it's my car.
I want some coffee!
Could I get a prophylactic?
-Let go! -How could you set me up like that?
Oh, God, I just wanted...
To completely damage me, send me to therapy forever?
-No, I just wanted... -Ladies.
Shall we go to my office?
Oh, my God!