12 Pound Balls (2017) Script


One of the world's oldest sports.

Artifacts date bowling back to Ancient Egypt and the Roman Empire over 5,000 years ago.

Or as my mom would say, "About the same age as the earth."

Modern rules were established in 1895.

In New York City, and have since evolved into what is widely regarded as the highest form of competition among man.

You got one competitor, ten pins, and a polyurethane ball.

Some play for fun, others compete for glory.

I bowl because it's who I am.

I'm Emily Baardsson and you're watching...

Ah, jeepers.

Here in Roseau County, We do a big bowling event every year at my alley.

Actually, It's not my alley.

Uh, it was my Uncle Harley's, Uh, but he's dead now.

I run it, well, I guess it is my alley.

Anyway, we call it the, uh, wait for it, The Roseau Bowl.

You know, 'cause the football game.

Anyway, it really is a big event around here every year.

This year we're gonna reopen The open-age, open-gender brackets to figure out Who is the absolutely best bowler.

It's a question that's on everybody's mind, and we just have a right to know.

So that's what we're gonna do, and plus, it should get me a whole bunch of extra moolah from concession sales.

'Cause last time we did the open-age, open-gender bracket, concession sales went through the roof.

I mean, you're not making a bunch of money on shoe rentals.

You're not. If we can avoid a post-tourney controversy this time, we may make the open-age, open-gender bracket a regular thing.

Friggin' fountain drink.

That was the first episode of my video blog, Which was, jeez, wow, it was six years ago now.

So, yeah, got a bunch of comments about the title.

Holy buckets. I had no idea people were gonna take it like that.

So I quickly changed it to "Emily's Turkeys"

For the next episode. You know, because of the whole three strikes in a row thing?

You're looking at "Emily's Turkeys."

After getting a bunch of inappropriate nipple comments, I switched it to "Emily XXX," 'cause I figured It's the same thing as bowling a turkey, except not dirty.

What the frick was I thinking?

To be fair, that video got a lot of views, But I don't think it's what the people were expecting, you know?

So after that, I made the final decision To call it "Rollin' with Emily," and, uh, that's what my video blog's been called ever since.

Oh, yeah.

I suppose living legend would be an appropriate way to refer to Gunnar Solberg.

No, no, after you.

Jeez Louise, go already.

I mean, how many people can say they've dominated ten out of the last 12 Roseau Bowls?

Gunnar can say that.

He says it all the time.

Ten for 12, Baby. Ten of 12.

Ten of the last 12. Last seven straight.

Ten for 12? Literally.

I'll learn you something else, about five years ago, they did an open bracket.

Not only did I dominate my cousin Emily so hard that she quit competing, they closed the open bracket forever, till like the end of time.

I mean, until now.

I guess that's what you get for going to college thinking you're better than everybody else.

You ain't better than Gunnar Solberg...

Fart Face!

She'll know what I'm talking about.

I can do a close up on "Fart Face" If you guys need it.

Nah. Like... All right.

Hi, I'm Barry Williams.

I work here at the Warroad Bowling Alley.

Um, mostly I do my working in..

Uh, frickin' face is itchy..

Uh, mostly work in, Uh, concessions, but when my cash drawer comes out on point for three days in a row, Alan lets me hit up shoe duty.

So it's pretty, um, You know, it's whatever, you know?

It's pretty cool.

I retired from competitive bowling about five years ago, after the last open tournament.

It, uh, it wasn't because of Gunnar beating me.

Or, uh, you know, him rubbing it in my face real bad afterwards, or, you know, because of what happened to my dad.

I mean, yeah, sure, he was a real jerk and, uh, he made me feel real lousy about it, But that's not why I quit.

You know, I just got..

I got too much on my plate now, you know?


I mean, I just got too much to do, you know?

Oh, I'm super excited for the tournament this year, but I try to compete to be a bowling guy, I'm not a bowler.

My dream, actually, is to try to be a singer.

You know, like, Uh, Justin Bieber.

Um, but if you guys wanted, I could probably do a quick fast singing for you to hear me do that.

Uh, one, two, three, four. ♪ I'm so I've been running my video blog which, You know, gets literally dozens of hits every week.

And, um, I've been training my favorite aunt..

Ooh. Friggin' bump.

I've been, uh, training my favorite Aunt Donna to be a bowler, which is, uh, which is where we're heading right now, and I'm teaching fifth grade right here in Warroad.

You know, I'd like to see Gunnar get in the physical peak condition necessary to compete with that kind of workload.

No siree Bob. He couldn't do it.

So that's why I friggin' retired.

Yeah, I know Emily has a fancy job, but she's such a idiot.

I get this whole basement to myself.

Rent free. Boom!

And then I'll blow it up.

I do still get to the lanes quite a bit.

Uh, actually, I, uh, took my fifth graders bowling last week, and, uh, oh, I gotta tell ya, Jeez Louise, one of my students, who I shall not name, Jared H., Somehow managed to bowl in the single digits.

He had bumpers and everything.

I mean, I didn't even know that was possible.

He scored a seven!

It is times like that it is real tough to stay professional, you know?

I mean, friggin' seven. And plus, when I win the Roseau Bowl, I get like $3,000 in cash and gift cards.

So who's the dummy now?

It's Emily.

And I'll learn you something else, Gary down at the bowling alley lets me bowl for free whenever I want.

I'm sorry. Who's Gary?

You know Gary.

The weird dude that works at the bowling alley.

Oh, are you referring to Barry?

Could be.

He's the one with dong broom on his lip and the toadstool haircut.

I think he might be a little, Derpy Derp or something.

You know? That friggin' guy!

Gunnar's pretty much one of my best friends.

I mean, it's kind of one of the perks of working here and at the movie theater, uh, where we have two screens now.

Um, and, uh..

Because I get to meet all the, like, the really, the popular guys when they come in and, but I would, I'd probably say Gunnar's the biggest, like, star that I'm best friends with.

I think he works at the movie theater, too, because I went to go see Jackie Chan's "First Strike"

Because I thought it was a bowling movie, and I was way off, but it was still a pretty good movie.

It was actually a really good movie.

Like, super bad-ass movie if you haven't see it.

But, um...

I'm not quite sure where I was going with that, um...

It was a good movie.

You guys should, um, you should check it out. It's a pretty good movie.

You got this. Five more. I can't.

Hey, don't you use that filthy word around me.

Believe it or not, I used to be quite the bowler. State champ in high school.

Now I don't mean to toot my own horn about that or nothing, but, you know, toot-toot!

Oh, Hon, don't act like an idiot.

You don't want people to think you're an idiot.

'Cause he's not an idiot.

But ever since the Carpal Tunnel, I haven't been able to bowl.

So I spend my free time training this little lady.

Aw, Hon. How, uh, how'd you guys meet? Ooh.

It's a pretty funny story, actually.

Hey, why don't you tell him, Sweetheart?

Oh, about how we're cousins or about where we first met?

Oh, talk about how we worked together at Christian Brothers Hockey Sticks.

Yeah, but, I.. We're not cousins.

Well, I think the cousin thing is a lot more interesting.

Yeah, I definitely want to hear the cousin thing.

See, Hon, I told ya. Okay, first off, we're not blood cousins. It's through marriage.

And, uh, second, I feel like in a town this size, pretty much everyone's related, so, you know?

Hey, what the (bleep) are you laughing about? Huh?

You know, love has no DNA.

So if two cousins fall in love and want to marry each other, then so be it, okay? Okay, but again, I just wanna clarify that we are not blood cousins.

Okay, we were already in our thirties and married when my mom married her dad.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, I guess that makes us siblings.

Whew. Ski-u-mah.

Ah, who gives a (bleep)?

You know, my parents are first cousins, and we all turned out fine.

Well, your brother.

What? I'm just saying.

He's awfully rude.

Well, yeah, my brother tells rude jokes and they're dirty. Yeah.

But they're funny as hell.

They're pretty funny, but they're real dirty.

Tell the one about the hot dog.


So, uh, uh, one guy is eating a hot dog and the other guy says, "Hey, how's that hot dog?" and then the first guy takes it and sticks it in his butt and says, "You tell me."

And then the second guy says, uh, "Whew. Could use a little more ketchup."

You see?

'Cause it could use ketchup. Yeah.

'Cause it tastes like (bleep).

You got this, five, four, three, two, one.

Nice work. All right.

Hiya. Hey, Emily.

Oh. How's it going?

She's working up quite a sweat.

Whew, yeah, look at that. Yeah, right?

Whew. Get some water, huh?

Yeah, little trooper. Oh, I'll get some.

She's got it all, eh?

Brains, beauty, athleticism, willpower, and she's got the greatest..

Are you (bleep) talking about me?

What the (bleep) are you saying about me?

Huh? Oh, nothing.

What did you say? Whoo.

Huh? She's..

Don't talk about me behind my back.

She's got it going on right now.

Don't talk about me behind my back. Okay, I won't, I won't.

Huh? Oh.

Are you being naughty right now? No, Cripes, I'm not.

Ah, I think you need t-o get a spanking.

Honey, no.

Okay, uh, let's train.

Huh? Ahem! Come on, Donna.

All right, back at it. Let's do this.

She gets tired doing those weights, but when it comes to the other stuff, there ain't no stopping her.

One more, come on. No, I can't.

You can do this. Ugh.

I'm done. Ah, come on.

Donna? Donna? Donna? I'm done.

This isn't gonna happen. Donna, look at me.

Look at me. No.

Look at me. You can do this.

Yes, I believe in ya. Jeff believes in ya.

Sure do. Not now, Jeff.

Okie dokie. Ya gotta believe in yourself.

Dig deep, Donna.

Come on, let's do it. Come on! One more.

Ready? Come on.

Do it.

Do it.


Ugh! Yeah!


Whoo! Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.

You did it, Babe. You did it.

I started to lose faith, But then I thought about your cute buns.

Okay. Ah, jeez.

Here's a little something To put a tickle in your taint.

Gunnar's rolled three perfect games in the last three years.

Let's see if he can go ahead and do one of those again for ya today.

I'm gonna learn you some bowling.


♪ Yeah

♪ We living right

♪ Now we up all night

♪ Pass the Ciroc, sip it up, live it up ♪

♪ I suppose you got your five pounds of fame ♪

♪ Now you're into it knee deep ♪

♪ Back onto the stage

♪ 'Cause you needed more

♪ Got your five pounds of fame ♪

♪ Break the cycle or repeat

♪ Back onto the stage

♪ Yeah

No perfect game, but, uh, 238 ain't nothing to scoff at.


Hey, Barry, why don't you stop staring at us and score us some soft pretzels?

He's so weird.

I got some press to do tomorrow, for this tournament.

You know, it's a life of an athlete.

You gotta do the P.R.

Local news thing?

No, Emily's, uh, video on A.O.L.

Yeah, she's got a video show on there.

Jeez Louise.

Look at the ass on that hockey mom.


You gotta get the people out no matter what it takes.

I'm trying to get paid. Sweet cheddar cheese, baby.

Over the line!

If Emily lets you, you should come watch, because I have a lot in store for that interview.

You're gonna wanna be there.

You guys are gonna love Bjorn.

Oh, look, there he is.

Hey, Sis, how goes it? Oh, it goes, you know?

You okay? I'm fine.

Good to hear. You betcha.

So do you wanna go straight to the alley?

Or you think we got time to stop by Doug's Sandwich Shop and pick up a couple of quick subs?

Well, let's see. Your practice is at 3:30, yeah?

All right. I'd say we got time. Oh, good.

I'm a Starvin' Marvin right about now.

Ooh, wow. You know, if you buy two foot-long subs from Doug's with all the fixin's, you get a free fountain drink.

No kiddin'. No kiddin'.

I heard it on the radio there. Two-foot long subs with all the fixin's, free fountain drink.

Well, jeez, they leave us no choice, do they?

You're telling me.

Em's my baby sister. Now I know what you're saying.

"But you look so young." Ah, jeez.

No? Okay. Anywho, we been carpooling ever since she started teaching.

Mm-hmm. Well, you know, we're both teachers, but Bjorn coaches the bowling team.

We got a great team this year.

Mm-hmm. Like I always say, "Strength in numbers."

We got nearly eight kids going out for a squad.

Now, come on, you're gonna have a great team 'cause you're the coach.

Now don't get it twisted.

Em here got all the talent in the family.

I mean, I know how to coach bowling, but I can't pick up a 5-8-10 split to save my life.

Em here can do it in her sleep.

He's just being modest.

Well, you know what Woody Allen says?

Hmm? "Those who can't do, teach.

And those who can't teach, teach gym."

Oh, man.

Bjorn's a gym teacher. I teach gym.

♪ Every single day

♪ We open up our eyes to see

♪ Every single way

♪ We've achieved our goals Ah, shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Would ya look at that, for fudge sake!

That was good. What're you talking about? That was awful.

What're you patronizing me? No, it was good.

You just need to adjust about a half step to your left.

Try taking it two boards over. You got it.

You're lucky you're so hot, you (bleep).

Oh, stop it. Well, ya are.

Okay. You're my hot piece of meat.

Please. Come one. Come on.

No, you're catching the fire department here.

All right, fine.

But when we get home. Okay.

♪ You finally made your move

♪ Every single day Hey. Oh, how'd you do that?

I didn't do it. You did.

You're amazing sometimes. I know you are, but what am I?

My hot piece of meat. Oh, okay, all right.

It's what you are. Okay, I know, I know.

I'm serious about when we get home.

Yeah, okay, just no hair pulling this time, okay?

It hurts. Okay.

All right. I'll be easy on you.

Yeah, so you say that now. I am gonna eat you up, though.

I know, I know. I'm scared.

All right, get back up on that lane.

Oh, yeah, we know Gunnar.

He's a second cousin twice removed or something like that.

He's not close related that's all I know.

Ah, not this again.

I mean, I'm not really sure how to put this, but you know how we all got that one relative That's just, uh, well, not as pleasant?

And after what he did to Emily's father, you know?

He's an (bleep). He.. Oh.

The guy's an (bleep), Jeff. You can say it.

He's an (bleep). I'm not gonna.

Say it.

Just say it. It feels good to say the truth.

Okay, okay. Say it.

He's an (bleep).

There you go. See, now doesn't that feel better?

Now my stomach hurts.

You shouldn't have had that grilled cheese.

I couldn't help it.

It looked so good. It was piping hot.

But it's also 'cause of what I just said.

Yep, I'm ready when you're ready.

I want you to be my cheerleader.

You better believe it. That's what I was born to do.

Okay, here we go.

All right, all right, all right.

Here we go, go, go, go, yeah!

Oh! Still just one.

Hey, that's closer than last time, you know?

I know, you're right. Yep, you're doing great.

I should be happy. Yeah, you should be.

You're incredible.

She's incredible. What'd you say?

I said you're incredible.

Emily's been great with her, just a real good coach.

Super patient.

She couldn't be here today 'cause she's preparing her video show on the YouTube tomorrow.

Boy, oh, boy.

You'll see a real difference in Donna's game when Emily's around.

Well, in the meantime though, we're making do.

So why did you agree to have him on?

Publicity, you know?

Like, when Gunnar's on we get the views, so just make it perfect.

Yeah, I'm with Kenny.

Gunnar's a total douche, Babe.

Don't call me babe.

I'm no one's babe.

Emily always gets like this when Gunnar's around.

He really got under her skin.

Dude totally friggin' sucks.

We're all on your side, Emily.

There's only one way to describe the way he treated you after the tournament.


Totally uncalled for.

That's what I'm screaming. The dude's a friggin' dick.

I choked in the third game. I did.

And, uh, afterward, he got all up in my bubble, you know, shouting real loud, you know, and then he started doing that mooning thing where you share your bare naked bottom, wiggling it back and forth.

And then he farted...

While his pants were down.

And, uh, I don't know if maybe he pooped a little bit, Because the smell was...

Real bad, you know, and it got up in my nose, and with like no filter or nothing.

And, uh..

And, uh, then my dad stepped in.

And, um, anyway, so, you know, it made all the papers, of course, and, uh, there was one headline that read, uh, "'Choking on farts,' starring Emily Baardsson."

So, yeah, I'm not in the best mood when he's around.

But, you know, I, uh..

I gotta get those views.

Got to get those views.

Hey, em, uh, yeah, maybe after this, you know, if you needed to wind down a bit, take the edge off, you know, we could go get some drinks? Just you, just me.

Papa Nick's buying!

Yeah, yeah, I'd like that. Right, all right, great.

But, you know, like, as friends, yeah?

Yeah, friends, more than friends, future couple.

You know, either way. Nick, come on.

You know I'm not into guys.

Never have been. Never will be.

There I said it.

Not all lesbians look like Al Franken, you know.

It's, uh.. It's a joke I like to tell.

Nick really has to let that one go.

I mean, I know he's into her and everything, But... He's barking up the wrong tree.

I can't get enough of her. She's, seriously, like, The omega babe of the century.

You know, she's the end all to be all babes.

She is the mayor of babe city U.S.A., and I am voting for her every year.

But, yeah, I just gotta respect her, though, you know, 'cause she's.. She's super cool, and, uh, she's a great friend, and so friendship it is.

What kinda question is that?

Of course Gunnar plans to win.

Seems that's all he ever does really.

Win. Me. Champion. Greatest ever.

These are words I've become to be known ab.. about.

They get used about me a bunch.

I mean, it's no surprise.

I've won ten out of the last 12 Roseau Bowls, including the last seven straight.

Now... Including, also..

Also including the 2010 Roseau Bowl.

Which was the last time they had the open bracket.

You know that they closed it down?

Because I beat you so bad, right?

That's not why they closed it.

Yeah, it is. You remember that?

Remember I put my butt in your face and I farted?

Remember when I farted In your face?

Yeah! You know, what? Yeah!

Yeah, I remember, you stupid idiot!

Jeez, who do you think you are, huh?

You know if you..

If your balls were in the gutter half as much as your mind, You'd be bowling zeros. That's right.

I am that guy.

I'm also the guy calling you out for this year's Roseau Bowl.

That's right. You versus me, toots, on the hardwood.


You know, I'm, uh, I'm retired.

And, uh, I gotta lot on my plate.

You know, I got a job, and I, uh, I got my Aunt Donna who's bowling.

And, I, you know, I couldn't ever bowl against her.

Huh. And, I, and I got, I got book clubs on tuesdays.

And I got tons of shows... Horse hockey!

Building up on my DVR. In its purest form.

Absolute horse hockey!

You don't have too much on your plate.

And Donna's a moron. You're a chicken.

Duck, duck, gray duck, you're a chicken.

You tore my family apart!

And I want nothing to do with you and your stupid challenge!

And that's all the time we have for today.

So, um, please tune in next week when we discuss the importance of different size finger holes...

Finger holes?

Did you hear what she said?

And, uh, I'm Emily Baardsson and, uh...

Oh, I can't believe you just said that.

This is how I roll. Finger holes!

Gunnar! I can't believe it.

Gunnar, get out! Where are we going?

Seriously, Gunnar, get outta here.

You guys want a selfie or something before I leave?

Jeez. Thanks for having me, Emily.

I don't know, you know, he's..

I just got all rattled and I, I was, was I too mean? No.

I mean, I got real upset, man, I cannot stand that guy.

You all right? Yeah, I'll be fine, thanks.

Good. You really nailed him, though, with that balls in that gutter line.


Oh, jeez, no, I meant, like.. Aw, dang.

Oh, I know I'm, like, uh, aw, jeez.

Yes! Whoo!

There you go, Donna.

You know, you've got that power, and it is all about that follow-through.

It felt real good.

It looked real good. Yeah.

You're like a sniper out there.

Okay, so for this next time, though, I'm gonna have you take a step and a half to your right.


Ease up on that spin just a touch.

Okay. Okay?

Mm-hmm. You got this.

Here she goes. Heart's pounding.

Whoo! Oh, man!

Yes! That was unbelievable.

Yeah! You two are good together.

Oh, yeah, we are. It's all her, though.

Yeah. You know, uh, I saw that interview with Gunnar.

Did you now?

Well, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Well, you wanna know what I think?

Maybe not.

You know, maybe we just sweep this one under the rug?

Well, I think you should take him down.

I wouldn't be mad.

You're the best bowler I know.

Come on, now, you know I can't do that.

No, no, I don't know that.

I know you'd beat me, that much I know.

After everything that he's put you through, You're the only one who can shut him up, and somebody needs to shut him up.

You know, I know they do, and I'm training the person that's gonna do it.

Okay, you know I truly, truly believe that.

Just to be clear, you two are talking about...

Yes, I'm talking about Donna, Jeff.

Yeah, Jeff, who'd you think she was talking about?

She's training me. Yeah.

Doesn't that make sense? You're the one.

Sometimes you can be a real dummy, you know that?

You know, if you weren't such a steaming Hot piece of yum-yum, I don't know what I'd do.

Look at you.

Ooh! It's like Hercules.

What? We did some groceries today.

Yeah. Yes, you did.

Let me see those buns. Okay.

Of course I'm gonna win it this year, unless some freak accident happens.

I mean, my biggest competition right now is Donna.

You heard me. Donna!

Friggin' Donna! Who the heck is Donna?

I mean, I'm what the bowling community refers to as a cranker.

C-A-R, no. C-R-A-N, Yeah, C-R-A-N, C-R-A-N-K-E-R.

Cranker. Right?

Ain't too many people in a bowling alley That can do what it is that I can do.

What I do is I come with a high backswing, I square my shoulders, and then I put a lot of spin on the ball, and then I just let 'er rip.

I get as close to the line as possible and then I just release.

You know, it's a plant and pull.

So, plant and then pull.

Far as I'm concerned, that's the best way to get a big hook on your ball.

You know, I mean, of course you know.

Unless you're a friggin' idiot.

Bowling is like life to me. frame by frame, No apologies.

Gunnar does what Gunnar does, and he never looks back.

Emily can blame me all she wants for what happened, but she's the one that needs to look in the mirror.

You know, as far as I'm concerned, If she didn't choke, everybody would be alive and well Singing "Kumbaya" and (bleep).

But she choked at the end of the game, and I just let her know about it.

And that's my fault?

That makes me the bad guy?

I don't think so.

And I'll learn you something else, America don't think so either.


Okay, you know, not bad, not bad.

What am I gonna tell ya though?

Uh, that I didn't follow through.


You know, bowling is like life.

You gotta follow through.

Lose or lose, follow through.

Okay, I know, I know.

Two weeks to go, you know.

We gotta get this every single time.

Okay, you got it.

Things are really heating up here.

Can I tell ya, we need emily now more than ever.

Ever since I got a promotion at Christian Brothers, I just don't have nearly the time needed.

But I'd say we're in pretty good hands.

Yes! Whoo! Nailed it!

Yes, you did. Do it.

Do I think she can win?

No telling, really, I guess.

Uh, but she's doing really good, you know?

Bowling the best she ever has.

Is it enough to beat Gunnar?

I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

But here's one thing I will say, nothing's gonna stop her from trying.

You know, she's gonna get out there, and she's gonna do her best.

That much I can guarantee.

Aah! Are you okay?

My back.

I think it's my Latissimus Dorsi!

She's speaking Gibberish.

It's okay, Donna. Just breathe, okay?

It's gonna be okay. No, it's not.

Last time this happened, I couldn't bowl for a month.

Oh, I think it's torn. Donna, Donna.

I think it's torn. It's gonna be okay.

No, I'm not gonna be okay.

This town needs you, Emily.

Your family needs you.

I need you to bowl for me.

You really think she's gonna announce it on air?

Dude, you never know.

She could be a total wildcard at times.

No, no, it's gotta be about the tournament.

So we've been told Emily has a pretty big announcement to make on her show today. I think she's gonna be announcing that she's entering the tournament.

Kenny's probably right, but, man, fingers crossed.

If she's announcing that she's gonna try dudes today, pretty good chance that my long hair bumps me to the front of the line.

Dude, I'm just saying if it's gonna be anybody, it's probably gonna me. What would be you?

Uh, we hear you got some news.

Huh? The show.

We hear you got a big announcement to make.

Oh, yeah, big time. Get ready...

For me to enter the Roseau Bowl Tournament this year.

You say you're not scared?

Well, I got 288 reasons for you to be scared, you frickin' little baby.

That's what I bowled yesterday and, uh, and those were also the reasons.

Well, I got the best friggin' coach in Minnesota, and I'm coming to whoop your behind, pardon my French.

I'm Emily Baardsson, and this is how I roll.

Is 288 a good score?

Sure, it's darn good.

But you know what that means, right?

It means she choked in the end.

Last frame.

When it comes down to the wire, she's gonna choke.

♪ Creating a new high

♪ This is your new life

♪ The game is closing in

♪ You start to feel the cry ♪ She always does.

I don't know the exact science behind it, but it had something to do with a woman competing.

Now I'm gonna choose my words real careful here.

It's just like..

Like their reproductive parts or something remind them that if they ever want to have babies their body won't even let them win.

Like, again, I don't know the exact science behind it, but it was something I read online once on A.O.L., and it was in a chat room.

♪ Universe on fire

♪ Passion on the rise

♪ The job will get you paid... ♪ You know, you never know, though.

I mean, you can't believe everything you read online.

Plus, how do I know she wasn't one of those freaks born with girl and boy parts?

Then all the science goes right down the (bleep) drain.

Everybody knows that.

So Gunnar just has to train his ass off, and that's what Gunnar does.

Oh, yeah, that's much better.

Yeah, you know, I don't see the point of this.

Uh, to strengthen your backswing, doy!

Hey, don't doy me.

Okay, follow-through is the most important thing, so I don't know why we're working the friggin' backswing when we should be working on follow-through.

Jeepers, em. No need to get all worked up.

You just need to have a well-rounded game.

Yeah, I know.

You think you can torque the ball enough to take down a 5-7 split, or heaven forbid, a 7-10, with your dinky backswing?


"Jeez" is right. no Siree Bob, you can't.

Now we don't have much time, and we need to get you there.

Okay. Okay.

Eye of the tiger. Strike.

Torque it! Torque it! Torque it!

Strike, strike, strike, strike, strike!

Strike, strike, strike, strike, strike!

Torque it! Torque it! Torque it!

93, 94, 95...

You're doing great.

96, 97, 98, 99, 100!

Whoo! Whoo!

Let's take it to the lanes!

Yes, let's take it to the lanes, also, too.

Whoo! Whoo!

Strike! Strike!

Whooshka! Order a tater tot hot dish, 'Cause she just smashed the potatoes.

Those pins don't stand a chance.


Oh! Oh!

One more, one more. One more.



Now are you ready to take on Gunnar?

Ready as I'll ever be, yes.


This isn't just one of those Hollywood movies where a girl is just going after a man.

Unless you count the man on the top of the trophy, which I guess I kinda am going after.

Dang. Eh.


There are times in a person's life where they can't lose, and that's me right now.

I can't lose.

Unless someone bowls a higher score than me, and then I would lose.

But I feel real good about that not happening.

Probably, to me.

Wow. Powerful stuff, em.

Oh, yeah, I heard all right, you betcha.

Yeah, Emily coming back could not be better for a whole slew of reasons.

I mean, she will bring literally dozens of fans with her, and more people to feed just equals more concession money.

That's just an old-fashioned blend of math and common sense right there.

Barry, you're five minutes late.

But crap, I'm 25 minutes early.

I gotcha. Just testing ya.

Nah, I'm a fun boss.

But, seriously, we like to joke around about here.

So, yeah. Hey, Adam.

Hey, you coming to the Roseau Bowl this year?

You betcha. See?

Adam hasn't been to a Roseau Bowl in three, four years.

So not only will Emily bring more fans with her, I just hope she can get redemption from what happened last time.

What happened to my cousin, her dad, it's inexcusable. It makes me sick.

Did she tell ya about that? About the fart?

Oh, no Siree. No, Gunnar..

Gunnar, he took it much further.

It got ugly, that's all I can say.

I'll leave her to tell ya the rest about that.

Barry! Quit sleeping on the job!

I'm not. Frickin' eyes are wide open.

I was putting my lunch in the friggin' thing.

I'm just testing ya. Freakin' blueberries and..

Every stinkin' time. Every stinkin' time.

Warming up, baby.

Gotta have those game day rituals.

How many do you have?

How long are you guys gonna be here?

Because I got a friggin' crapload of 'em.

No, I don't anything real special to prepare.

I'm just grading some papers right here, and I'll probably call Donna in a bit, see how she's doing.

Honestly, it's really just a normal day for me before I head on down to the alley.

So you don't have any superstitions or anything?

Oh, gag me with a spoon.

48, 49, 50.

All part of the process of being great, you gotta get the sugar out of the cereal, but if you let it digest, you get all the bad carbs, too.

A little secret I came up with to get the best of both worlds.


I know I have what it takes to win.

I've prepared the way I need to win.


They're really just another form of fear.

That's a interesting way to look at it.

The way I see it, If I win, it's 'cause I was the best that day.

If I lose, it's 'cause I wasn't good enough.

This is the most important part of the morning ritual.

I gotta put my underwear on inside out.

Well, why's that?

Uh, 12 years ago, I was on day three of my underwear the day of the competition.

Obviously, you don't wanna smell, so I put them on inside out to squeeze one more day out of the deal.

That was the first time I took home the gold.

Ever since then, even if I've only worn them one day or none days, I still turn them on inside out the day of the tournament.

I forgot to two times, and those are the two years I got second.

Coincidence? No. Fact.

You think you need to do that to beat Emily as well?

Ha! So funny I forget to laugh.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna put 'em on regular just to prove a point.

Eh, I probably better just put 'em on inside out.

I mean, I'm coming up on day seven now.

It has nothing to do with Emily.

You know, it's not gonna make a lick of difference if I put on some magical T-Shirt, if I put my underpants inside out, that's just fear.

So you know about Gunnar?


Gunnar puts his underwear inside out the day of the tournament.




Get outta town.

No, no, no, no. No!

This is happening. Gunnar versus Emily.

The epic showdown that'll make the Federation-Klingon War of 2372 look like the Vrash slaughter by the people of Pasik.

That's right. Gunnar's got this.

Me and Gunnar, we're gonna be the stars of the show.

Why you?

Oh, you didn't.. You didn't hear?

Um, they chose.. They chose me to be the guy who sings the USA National Anthem for the bowling thing.

So, uh, if you guys wanted, I could probably give you a little sneak pre..

♪ You know you've arrived

♪ You've finally made your move ♪



Hey, Em, it's Nick.

Long hair don't care.

Back hair don't care.

Time to go to the tournament, Em.

Time to bowl some strikes, get some spares.

Emily, are you all right?

Heck no. No, I'm.. I'm sick, you know?

I'm sicker than a dog in an ice fishing hole.

Yeah, hey, Em, the tournament's today.

The big tournament.

Did you forget that it's today?

The Roseau Bowl? I know, Nick, I know.


I'm, uh, you know, I can have Bjorn bowl in my place.

I don't.. I don't think that's such..

Such a really good idea, Em.

I've got nothing else. Psych out, Em.

You've got you.

Come on, I mean, you're amazing at everything.

And that's why I'm so thankful for our friendship.

And, I mean, I know that there's never gonna be anything more than that, and that's totally okay.

You can't help but be into babes.

So what, you're into babes.

You know, I can't blame you, because I'm totally into babes.

Babes are literally my most favorite thing in the world.

It's, like, why I do anything.

Why do I go outside?

Uh, I don't know. Hopefully I see a babe.

You know, it's like my life's motto.

A babe a day... Feeds the Boner Buffet.

I know. I helped you write that.

But what're you trying to say?

I'm trying to say that I really just love being your friend, and I know you can do this.

Whether you're sick or not, Em, I believe in you.

That's sweet. Frick yeah, it's sweet.

I'm a frickin' sweet guy.

You know, hey, you remember your most viewed vlog, right?

Oh, jeez, yeah, of course.

Yeah, well, you were sick when you were doing that, too.

Yeah, okay, but, you know, how does that relate?

Well, that's the episode that you talked about the art of the follow-through.

Not just in bowling, but in real life, too.

You know, you've always known how to get exactly what you want by just following through.

That's why, what, a million people or so have watched that episode when like most have barely gotten a hundred.

Okay, Nick, that's not why all those people watched that video. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's the episode where my boob popped out for nearly a minute.

That's right, 54 seconds. You know, I didn't even know my boob popped out until I saw that video had over a hundred thousand views. Yeah, the video got so big because know how to follow through.

I mean, it's like, no matter how sick you get or how long your titty hangs out of your shirt, you just keep going.

You know, you're so dedicated.

Look, Em, it's like, no matter what you decide, I'm always gonna be in your corner, all right?

I appreciate it.

Um, but I.. You know, I...

I just don't think I can do it.

Em, I know you can do it.

I hope you change your mind.

All right, get outta here.


Hey there, Barry.

Cash drawer come out on point three days in a row?

Ah, jeez. Hello?

This illness really hit you quickly.

Yeah. I, uh, I suppose it did.

I guess we should probably get going so we don't catch anything.

No, you'll..

You'll be fine.

Ugh. I just got a call from Nick.

He says I'm supposed to bowl in Em's place.

Gosh, she's sick or something? I don't know.

Must be some kinda doofus taking crazy pills to think I can bowl in a tournament like that.

We got people coming in from friggin' Anoka and friggin' Blaine and friggin' Coon Rapids.

I was just thinkin' about my dad.

Where is he now?

Dead. Oh.

I'm so sorry.

You know, Gunnar was just pushing and pushing...

And the mooning and the farting...

You know, as if I didn't already feel bad enough about losing, you know?

He had to go and make it infinity times worse.

And, uh..

And, uh, my dad stepped in.

But, uh, I think he musta got over heated or something...

And, uh..

You know, in his heart because...

He had a heart attack.

And he...

He died.

I'm sorry.

He was by best friend in the world, and it's my fault that he died.


Your bowler's not here yet.

Yeah. Where's Emily?

I'm talking about you. We got bad news, Bro.

Well, yeah, you're telling me.

There's literally, I don't know, tens of people here to see the big showdown.

Yeah, that's the thing.

There's not gonna be a big showdown, man.

Emily's sick.

No kidding?

Yeah, man, dead serious, Bro.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez. Yeah. Oh, jeez, is right.

I just hope she's okay.

Yeah, I just hope these people stick around long enough...

For nothing.

I frigging stocked concessions plum full for this.

Well, scram!

Attention, everyone.

Emily will not be making it to the tournament.

Look, be sure to ease your sorrows, um, with an ice cold fountain drink or a nice hot "Pretzable", available at the, um, right over there at the concession stand.

Look, this news is sure sour, so get something sweet, like a candy bar or maybe some taffy.

You can also upgrade any meal with an order of nice hot seasoned fries.

Anywho, we're gonna go ahead and get started with the tournament.

Let's, uh, have Barry Williams here to sing the national anthem.

One, two, three, four. ♪ Oh Hey, em, I hear you're feeling real junky.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I, uh, got a real bad sinus infection in my lower abdomen, and, uh, it's real bad, you know?

You ain't sick, are ya?

I mean, those tissues aren't from blowing your nose.

What happened to dad wasn't your fault.

I know, but I.. Plus, let's not pretend he was exactly the picture of health.

Well, a three-time Schnitzel-eating champion never is.

No. Look, Em, dad would want you to bowl.

So what'd you say?

And we are underway, fans.

I am Alan Johnson, owner of this beautiful establishment, and alongside me as always, the gorgeous vocal minority and my brother from another mother, Johnny.

Yeah, see, our dad couldn't keep it in his pants.

Looks like today's the day there's gonna be a bowling game.

Excellent color there, Johnny.

Might I add, the suit looks amazing on you, as it has the last seven days in a row.

Well, you don't make a trip all the way to Mall of America just for cargo shorts. You certainly don't.

Let's get down to the floor.

And a perfect strike for Gunnar.

Two more of those, and he is out of the competition.

No, that's a turkey. I'm not actually doing meat right now.

I'm kind of on a cleanse. Well, it's working.

You look fantastic. My bowels feel amazing.

Hey! Hey, Emily's here. What?

No. No. Can you believe Emily showed up?

Absolutely, I'm looking right at her.

Sorry I'm late. A little too late really.

Ooh. Right-o. Shut up, Johnny.

Sorry. We already started.

I'm really not sorry. It's true.

We actually did start already.

Well, has everyone bowled yet? Just me, toots.


The rules state that as long as no bowler has bowled two frames, new competitors are permitted to join the competition with the majority vote of all bowlers and permission from the commissioner.

Let me see that. No, that's not the rule book.

It's, uh, "Sisterhood of the traveling pants."

No spoilers. You know I've got no problem.

Thirsty for a showdown? Hurry up and quench that thirst right now with a ice cold fountain drink available at the concession stand.

This is ridiculous! I'm trying to have a tournament here!

The only thing that's ridiculous is the savings when you buy a jumbo cheese pretzel or nachos available right now at the concession stand.

What's the matter, Gunnar? You look scared.

I mean, I would be, too, if I were you.

I'm not afraid of nothing. So you are afraid of something.

No. I just said "I'm not afraid of nothing."

You just used a double-negative, thus turning it into a positive, which translates to "I am scared of something."

So you are scared of something. We wanna know what it is.

Yeah, you know, he's not wrong.

It's bees, isn't it? I'm scared of bees, too.

I'm not even allergic or anything.

I just hate getting stung. Getting stung is the worst.

Right? And the swelling and the itching..

All right! Get the vote already! You heard the man.

All bowlers in favor of Emily joining the competition just say "Aye." Aye.

Aye. No!

An overwhelming majority. Let's get started, folks.

Fine, but be prepared to be dominated.

I'm not taking it easy on nobody.

So he is taking it easy on somebody.

Stay tuned to find out whom.

Shut up, Johnny. Start speaking American.

You're gonna get it, Emily!

♪ Wake up in the morning

♪ Feel like number one Ski-u-mah!

♪ Starting my day off winning ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna be the champion ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Been a long time coming

♪ But I know my time is now

♪ I slay the competition

♪ Let me tell you how...

Gunnar and Emily have really run away with it.

Ninth frame, Gunnar leads by seven pins.

Emily needs a miracle here. She certainly does.

Either that or to pick up eight more points than Gunnar on the next two boxes.

I believe that would do the trick as well. It absolutely would.

It absolutely would. Let's get right back into it.

♪ If you

♪ Want to be the best Oh! Friggin' no!

Gunnar does not like the looks of that. Is it possible there was something strategic about leaving those two pins there?

Perhaps he's planning for a future move, and this is a setup.

Anything along those lines possible at all?

Absolutely not. Right-o.

Here comes Emily, her chances, although grim, not quite eliminated from the game mathematically.

I was actually in Emily's math class.

And though not quite half a tard, certainly no straight-A student.

♪ You have got to be

♪ Better than, better than

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one...

Shoot. Emily just barely misses That strike. Mmm, perhaps If she'd taken it just a bee's dick to the left, she would've picked up that last pin.

That would be a higher score.

Great job with your numbers, Johnny.

Here comes Gunnar to open up the tenth frame.

♪ I see my destination

♪ Trophy in my hand He shoots.

He scores! Like a tater tot hot dish, that is yummy. Smells like victory.

No, you smell bad, and I'm being serious.

Maybe I beefed. Deal with it.


Friggin' gross.

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion Another strike. Unbelievable.

I have not seen dance moves like that since the last time our dad got remarried...

Again. That is spot on.

Gunnar looks to put the final nail in the coffin for round one. ♪ One champion

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ One, one

♪ One champion I cannot believe it.

Closed out the game with a turkey.

Emily will take an easy second place, but it's no longer possible for her to win game one.

Yes, she would need a miracle. No, she literally can't win.


I didn't know you were gonna make it so easy for me.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm all warmed up now.

So you're going downtown, Buster Brown.

Hah! You keep bowling like a can of rotten lutefisk, the only thing going down is you into the trash can. Yeah?

Well, at least I don't smell like rotten lutefisk.

You're always eatin' it, when it's rotten, probably.

Ooh, shots fired.

♪ 'Cause if you

♪ Want to be the best

♪ You have got to be

♪ Better than, better than

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ Whoa, whoa, one, one, one champion ♪ All right, this is it, Em.

I believe in ya.

I don't..

I don't think I can beat him.

There's nobody on this planet I believe in more than you, and I met Leonard Nimoy once.

And if he were to show up to this thing, I'd still believe in you more.

I mean, it'd be close, but, uh, you'd take the cake.

Leonard Nimoy's dead.

What? Yeah.

Well then, some other star that has what it takes to pull through when the odds are against 'em, like, uh, Whitney Houston.

What I'm tryin' to say is you have it in ya.

You always have.

And just like Miss Houston herself, you will continue to succeed for years to come.

Bobby Brown can't keep you down.

It's time to get some.

♪ And I And we are back, round two of three.

If Gunnar wins this one, it's all over.

♪ Make way, 'cause I'm coming through ♪

♪ Ain't nothing You can do... ♪ Fair dinkum! That was an absolute pearl.

♪ Second place, you watched me win ♪

♪ Third place means you suck Gunnar really needs to pick up his game before he lets this one slip away.

He is bowling like a real dick. I can hear you.

♪ No one gives a fuck

♪ 'Cause if you

♪ Want to be the best

♪ You have got to be

♪ Better than, better than

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one Wow. That's two in a row for Emily.

She is perfect so far.

Imagine what emily's score might be if she continues this perfect streak all the way through.

300. Close to what I would assume, but there's no way of knowing for sure.

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion and another strike for Emily.

Halfway through, and she's still perfect. It is safe to say that Emily is the Serena Williams of awkward white people sports.

She certainly is, and she is phenomenal.

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion

♪ There can only be one...

Emily's got this one in the bag.

We are going to a third, folks.

Whoo! Nice!

I knew you could do it. I knew you could do it.

You know, I'm starting to believe in me like you believe in me.

You should. I mean, you're amazing.

All luck, all luck. All luck?

Hah! My butt.

You want me to go "Batman Forever" on your ass?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Make your face look like Seal?

You're about to get a kiss from a rose. That is not cool.

Seal's skin is like that from a disease.

Pretty sure it's from a shark attack.

That's where he got his nickname "Seal."

Uh, Seal has lupus. Then how can he walk?

He get better doctors than President Roosevelt?

Uh, F.D.R. Had Polio. Yeah? You have Polio, and I'm a shark about to attack, and you're nothing but a seal without all the killer slow jams. You know what?

You're a friggin' idiot. I might be an idiot, but at least I'm not gonna choke in the last game.

You done it before, you'll do it again. Everybody knows it.

Then you'll have to go away and hide for another five years.

Also, I'm not an idiot.

♪ I see my destination

♪ Trophy in my hand Let's go.

♪ And no one's gonna touch me ♪ ♪ You can't touch me

♪ 'Cause I have a plan

♪ 'Cause if you

♪ Want to be the best

♪ You have got to be

♪ Better than, better than

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion Three frames into round three, and Gunnar is sitting perfect.

Meanwhile, Emily seems to have lost her steam from round two with two spares and failing to close out a third.

How goes it, Em?

It's fine. You? Ah, pretty good.

Uh, it's a little colder than I'd like, but that Minnesota for ya.

Ahem. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Is there something you wanted?

Yeah, I, uh, I just want to talk to you about all this.

Yeah. Look.

You're the best bowler I've ever seen, on and off the lanes.

Thanks. No, I mean it, Em.

You can do this, all right?

You just need to remember who you're doing it for.


Okay, yeah, Pops.

Yeah. No.

You need to do this for you.

Your whole life, all you do is give.

You wasted your time with Donna, and god bless her heart, she friggin' stinks.

So screw Gunnar and screw the other bowlers.

This is for you, because that's what dad would want.


Yeah. All right.

Go get him.

♪ If you want to be the best ♪

♪ Yeah!

♪ You have got to be

♪ Better than, better than

♪ Better than the rest

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one I have never seen anything like this.

She is a woman on a mission. Speaking of missions, If you're on the way back from the bathroom, Stop at the concession stand for the new Kosher Polish corn dogs.

They're delicious.

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one Gunnar seems to be feeling the pressure.

He seems to have lost focus.

Is that a thing that's important in bowling? I imagine it is.

It most definitely is, Johnny, yeah.

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one And another strike for Emily.

We are witnessing Roseau Bowl History.

That sounds more grandiose than I assume it is in real life.

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion That is how you bowl!

That is how you bowl! That is how you bowl!

She's unstoppable. A slow start, But has bowled perfect since that third frame.

Well, there's only one little box thing left and their scores are pretty close, is that fair to say?

Yes, Johnny, they are all tied up.

That sounds really close.

Is it ever. Gunnar will bowl first.

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one, one, one ♪

♪ One champion Ooh, that's gonna be tough to beat.

He does look disappointed though.

Probably wishes he'd hit all the pins on that last one.

That's my best guess anyway.

Nothing escapes my brother Johnny.

Here comes Emily.

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one

♪ One champion You little beauty.

Check out Emily. Hoo-hoo, wow!

One down, two to go.

♪ One, one

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I don't believe this.

♪ One champion

♪ There can only be one

♪ One, one, one champion Are you having fun?


For dad. All right, you got this.

♪ One champion


She has done it.

She has won the Open Bracket Championship and redemption for her father, my cousin.

Stop by the concession stand to celebrate with a licorice rope or an ice cold fountain drink.

They're not on sale. We just have plenty available.

And it is all over, I hope, anyway.

I've got some where to be.

♪ There can only be one Yeah, Emily!

You did it.

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

You friggin' cheated!

You cheated. Everybody knows that.

I won that fair and square. Okay, whatever, Gunnar. Have a nice day.

Nine out of ten times I catch you cheating.

You're a friggin' cheater. Celebration subs for everyone.

I love subs. Whoo!

Whoo! Strike!

♪ One, one, one champion

Oh, jeez, Has it felt good.

The publicity from winning the Roseau Bowl Has been overwhelming.

I mean, I had nearly six strangers send me congrats flowers.

So, yeah, pretty nuts.

And, oh, jeez. It didn't stop there either, no Siree.

My video blog has taken off like nobody's business.

It's paying the bill now, you know?

So I got to quit my teaching job.

And now I have so much free time to train Donna to win next year's Roseau Bowl.

And Bjorn has been training me to win this year's National Championship.

Bomb dropped.

Six months, huh?

Seems longer behind bars.

You went to jail?

Yeah, the night of the tournament, I got drunk.

I don't mean like a couple drinks too many I shouldn't drive my truck home drunk.

I mean, like, blacked out, wake up outside with a goat chained around your leg and a toilet cake in your shirt pocket kinda drunk.

In my case, instead of waking up outside, I woke up in the drunk tank.

And instead of a toilet cake in my shirt pocket, I just didn't have any pants on.

And, uh, the goat?

No, that happened.

Anywho, I always heard that when you're in jail you gotta beat up the biggest guy in there so you don't become a prison (bleep).

I coulda sworn she was a guy, You know, coming from a costume party or something.

Apparently, that police uniform was very real, and so was her night stick, her pepper spray, her taser, her K-9 unit.

After I healed up, I got five months for assault on an officer.

Which is kinda bull (bleep), because even though I threw the first punch, it didn't even land.

Oh, boy, were we excited for Emily to win.

And, uh, we've been keeping pretty busy since then, too.

I found a bird outside, and it was almost dead.

I nursed it back to health.

Kept it in the house for a week.

Yep. And then I let it go.

And that's what you gotta do. you gotta let them fly.

Yeah, yeah. Not gonna keep him for a pet, but I nursed it back to health.

You did, and then you shooed it out with a broom.

Yeah, and then I shooed. I said, "Shoo! Shoo!

Go on now, go!" Didn't want to leave

'Cause it loved her so much. Yeah. See that now?

They'll bond with me. Absolutely.

She used that tough love, got herself a broom, shooed that bird outta the house.

You gotta push the bird outta the nest.

That's what they say. Absolutely.

So we're thinking about adopting, you know?

You guys were clearly in for a pretty big treat when you got to hear me sing the USA Anthem at the bowling alley.

But, like, sure, there were some freakin' jerks just like saying stupid crap on YouTube.

Like, whatever.

I'm just gonna keep living fancy, 'cause I got some real hype behind me from that, too.

I got to sing the USA Anthem at the St. Paul Saints game.

So would a freakin' cheeseknob get to do that,

Probably not.

Um, if you guys wanted, I could probably get you a tape of me doing that singing thing for you to use inside your movie.

Nah, we're good.

On a bright note, I became very spiritual in prison.

I realized that I had a lot of anger issues that I needed to work on, and the word of Buddha really spoke to me.

It's helping me become a better person on and off the lanes.

Gunney, tater tot hot dish is ready.

Come get supper.

I told you! I wanted lutefisk and lefse.

How hard can it (bleep) be to open up a (bleep) can of lutefisk and wrap up some (bleep) lefse?

That woman.

This is what I deal with.

This is my life.

Most of my videos are getting hundreds of thousands of views.

Some are even up in the millions.

Unfortunately, the same old video still holds my personal record.

Yeah, the booby slip clip took off like wildfire.

Okay, I want you to get a real good look in here, okay?

See how I'm holding nothing back here?

That is how you...

Follow through with style.

I mean, sure like someone might be walking by and they're gonna see and be like, "What the friggin' heck is she doing?"

And I want you to look them in the eye and you say, "I'm showing the world what I got."

And what I got is a real...

Juicy follow-through."

Show the world what you got. Don't hold nothing back.

I'm Emily Baardsson and this is how I roll.

Whoo. Freakin' jeez.

This thing is heavy.

Friggin' lip's wet.

Whoo! I am bowling like a real doofus out there today.

Oh, come on, sis. You just need to tweak things a bit.

I know, I'm just doing a little self-defecating humor.

Did you say "Self-defecating"?

Yeah. You know, it's like when you're making jokes, but you're also kind of crappin' on yourself.

Oh, nice.

I knew I needed to be a bowler when me and my best friend Chambers were throwing rocks at each other and I threw this rock and it hit him right in the forehead.

He was like really mad.

So I was like running away from him, but he caught me and he tripped me, like, really hard, and I slammed my head into the pavement three times.

And that's when I knew.

I get up from that, and I knew I needed to be a bowler.

It's not terrible. She could still pick up a spare.

Jeez Louise! You're a monster.

I like taking pictures of people who have kitchen tables, But they have, like, different chairs that didn't come with the table.

Yeah, he finds it real interesting.

Yeah, so whenever we go to some friend's house and they have a kitchen table, but it's clear those chairs aren't matching..

Where'd you get them? Where'd you get those?

What happened to the regular chairs?

Did they break and then you couldn't get 'em fixed or something?

And there's usually a heck of a story there, and I'll write that story down and I'll put it in the book.

Right now it's just like..

It was an empty photo album.

I'm just filling up a photo album, then I just kinda write little notes about where the chairs came from.

So it's not like a real book or nothing.

How full is the photo album at this point?

Six or seven tables.

Six or seven tables, a bunch of chairs.

So it's getting there.

There's a doctor they have on the air Saturday mornings on AM 630.

Ask him if it's normal for people to only have sex in the dark.

I don't think he's that kind of doctor.

They're all that kind of doctor.

It's human nature, Jeff.

I have needs, you know?

You need to have the lights on?

Why don't you stop over at the concession stand, get a licorice rope, corn dogs, or an ice cold fountain drink. We've got the pretzels, open-face sandwiches, and personal pizzas.

Feel free to grab whatever you like.

We really stocked up this year.

They are not on sale or free, we just have plenty available.

Fair dinkum! That was an absolute pearl.

That was a rip snorter.

That was absolutely bonzo. That was a belter.

You little beauty! Check out Emily.

Wow! An absolute ball tearer from Emily.

Don't say anything to Emily, But I'd eat that booty like groceries.

Jeez Louise, real inappropriate, Nicholas.

I think she heard me.

Hey, Gary. Hey, Gunnar.

I'll be bowling for free today, right?

Okay, um, my name's, uh..

I'm Bar.. I'm Bar..

Did you guys, uh, see that?

We're just, like.. We're just hanging out for a minute or whatever.

It's pretty cool.

♪ Let me in

♪ I could fill you up

♪ We could ride all night

♪ Get to feeling right

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Yeah

♪ Whoo!