2 Days in Paris (2007) Script

This is us, meaning him and me.

Right now we're just exhausted.

We're back from a journey.

We saw palazzos, vaporettos and espressos.

We were on a journey to Italy, like the title of a movie with a happy ending.

Really, we were mostly in Venice...

Because it is the city where lovers go.

It's also the city over water that will end up underwater.

Greens, ochers, pinks, blues, even grays that shine. That's Italy.

And the pasta, of course.

Now we're a true couple. Two years that we've been together.

Two years nowadays, it's almost a miracle.

Two years of happiness with ups and downs...

And in-betweens mostly.

Really, we just need to pick up Jean-Luc that we dropped off at my parents'...

Between the airport and the train station.

Night train to Venice, that was my idea.

So on our way back to New York, we have decided to spend two days in Paris.

Oh, my god. He's gonna kill him. He's gonna kill him.

Isn't that the same guy... isn't it the chef who nearly stabbed me...

For putting Parmesan cheese on my seafood pasta?

It's the same guy. It wasn't that bad.

What are you talking about? I had food poisoning for four days.

Did you enjoy any of it? I enjoyed the view from the bathroom.

Can we call a cab or something? It's pouring already.

There's, like, one drop. It's gonna pour. Trust me.

I'm gonna call a taxi because you're made of sugar. I can't get sick.

The second we get back to New York, I have to start work.

There's no signal. You're kidding me. I'm gonna get a sinus infection.

'Cause the diarrhea lowers your resistance.

Okay, there's a bus stop over there. It's the direct bus... no, no.

No buses, no subways in Europe. The terrorism and the whole thing.

What do you mean? Like it's safer in New York? Paris is fine.

There's no terrorism in Paris.

Because France has a secret deal with terrorist fundamentalists.

Because France is a Muslim country after all.

You're a fucking psycho. I'll try to get a connection somewhere. I don't... excuse me. I heard you talking. You're American, aren't you?

I am indeed. Well, we're, uh, a group of international code breakers.

We're supposed to meet our French delegation at the Louvre at 10:00 A.M.

Do you happen to know if it's anywhere near here?

Oh, yeah. Actually, you're really close. Oh, really?

Yeah... it's so close, I don't think a cab will take you...

'Cause they're very picky here.

So, all you do is you would go right down there, you make a left, make your first right. Right, left?

Yeah... and then just keep going straight for 10 minutes. You'll be fine.

You sure? Yeah, yeah.

I appreciate it so much. Americans are so friendly. Sure.

The French are just so rude.

It's a cliché, but it's true. It's true.

We Americans have to stick together. That's right.

Thank you so much! Absolutely. My pleasure.

Good luck. Bye. Thank you.

Crack that code, huh? Come on, guys. Let's go.

Okay. All right.

Let's get going! No taxi in the area.

That's all right. We'll be fine. What's going on?

What's... what happened?

They wanted to know where the Louvre was, so I told them.

You told them... you know where it is? No.

And you told them to go this way? But it's miles away.

Now we're at the beginning of the taxi line. Survival of the fittest.

They're gonna go straight to the suburb.

I mean, they're your compatriots. My compatriots!

They voted for bush. They're on a Da Vinci tour.

They're the physical embodiment of everything that's wrong...

Culturally and politically with this world.

Maybe they'll see something other than the Mona Lisa. Get involved in a riot.

Jog their political consciousness a little bit.

You're so mean, but you're so right. I love you.

Awww. You're so smart.

Sinus infection.

Oh. It's automatic.

Can you turn the radio down?

We've been on a train for 12 hours. We're exhausted.

Twelve? Where from? Venice.

Hate the place! Took both my wives there.

The program about battered wives.

I want to listen to this. Why?

I had two wives and I beat them both. That's horrible!

Yeah, I was wrong...

Paris. I was born in the 13th, raised in the 14th, lived in the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 19th and 20th...

Until I moved to New York.

I'm Marion, and I'm a photographer.

It's ironic since I can't see much.

I have a birth defect on my retina. It's just full of tiny holes.

How can I describe to you what I see?

There it is... my vision of the world.

Yes, everyone sees the world literally differently.

So I gave her a good beating myself.

This is Jack. He's an interior designer.

"Kids are like rats. They carry diseases." Something he said on our third date.

Oh, my god. I mean, look at the lights. I thought it was so... sweet.

It's like a postcard of Paris.

I'm the photographer, but on this trip, he took all the photos.

Every moment was digitized, immortalized from every angle.

What's he taking pictures of?

Everything. Absolutely everything.

Another terrorist attack... listen to that! Another fast-food joint going up in smoke.

Last week it was two sports stores...

And last month a supermarket.

He's an "anti-globalization protester."

He burns fast food? I heard there's shit in their meat!

It's right here.

Up here? All right, you go straight.

This way? One floor up.

Elevator? What?

Elevator? It's on the second floor. You think you can make it?

Didn't your train get in at nine? Oh, mama.

Yeah, but with traffic, strikes... France, what a mess!

What? Can't the poor exploited nurses go on strike?

This isn't America!

You still have that huge suitcase. You'll break your back!

You never listen, anyway. If it's not... yes, my mother is a true pain in the butt.

But she's also the reason why I became who I am.

Marion. Marion. Marion.

Mom, Marion's stuck again!

Marion? Marion?

Mom, is Marion a retard?

When I was young, I was a bit special, but not special in a good way.

I was always late everywhere because I was stuck in my world.

I would look at things in the courtyard and the streets for hours.

I even think I could hear voices.

But not the kind that tells you to save the world. Other kinds of voices.

♪ We've got two willies move it.

Some parents would have been seriously worried.

The doctors had prescribed tons of new medication, but my mother said no.

She just got me a Polaroid camera, and instead of looking at things for hours, I'd just photograph them.

You've always done exactly what you wanted.

And we had to fall in line. Really, I... honey?

Hello, madam.

Oh, bonjour. Are you okay?

Yes. Jack. Jack, Anna.

I'm sorry we met so briefly on the way in. Yes.

Yes, very short presentation.

We had to drop off a very important package... Jean-Luc.

Give me the pussycat. Here, your phone!

Do you "do" a good voyage?

Oh, yes, very nice. Très bon.

Yes, it was good? Beautiful. Yes, very beautiful.

Come down for lunch at one. Don't be late. Your dad hates that.

Right. D'accord.

How's Jean-Luc? Sleeping.

Au revoir. She's so sweet, your mother.

I know. What happened to you?

I don't know. You having a little trouble there, honey?

Oh, I need your help.

Oh, I need a strong man to carry my suitcase.

I thought you wanted to be a strong, independent woman and carry your own luggage.

Yeah, I am a strong, independent woman. I am a strong, independent woman.

Okay, I got it. I got it. Thank you.

So this is your big investment, huh? An apartment one floor up from your parents?

It's convenient. Yeah, especially if you like privacy.

No sarcasm in Paris. Okay, I'll be quiet for two days.

Thank you.


You like? You don't like?

What is it?

You don't like? No, it's really... it's quaint.

What? No, it's cute.

It's not mid-century, I know. It's mid-century, 15th century.

No, it's very... it's very Parisian, I guess. Is that a compliment?

Sure. It's kind of swampy in here.

Swampy? Yeah, like the water at the lido.

No, it's... what is that smell? What is that?

Oh, my god! What?

Honey! Honey!

Honey, what the fuck is that? Oh, it's a leak.

It's an old building. There's leaks all the time. The plumber... there's no plumber in France.

Is that black mold? What's black mold?

The deadliest fungus known to man if you inhale it. Don't inhale.

That's not funny. I mean, seriously.

All right. No, it was there when I was here in January.

It's fine. It's not black. It-it's green.

Look at it. It's green. It's like blue cheese. It's probably good for you.

Okay, everybody out. Everybody out. Everybody out.

I'm condemning the bathroom. It's a hot zone. All right.

It's a bio hazard. Okay, we'll shit in the corner of the room.

We'll shit outside. Yeah, perfect.

Honestly, this place is like a petri dish for allergens, you know that?

Listen, we have allergies because we are too clean, okay?

A hundred years ago... mm-hmm?

We were covered in parasites and we had no allergies. Really?

Yes. So is that the same theory behind the French not bathing?

Yes. You sure you haven't "find" my contact lenses?

No, I have not "find" it. In your bag?

No, no. I don't feel well. Which one for the... my dad?

I don't feel well!

I can't tell if it's a migraine or if it's a flu.

Can I use this thermometer?

I usually don't use this one in the mouth.

Hmm? I don't use this in the mouth.

Oh, come on! What is wrong with you? What?

It's a French thermometer. What, are you five? You still use a thermometer up your ass?

It's the only way to get your temperature properly.

Why? Why with you? I haven't used it in, like, a few months.

Okay, I take a shower first, all right?

Make sure to take some antibiotics first.

I'm trying to send this design, and I think it would be faster if I just sent it by regular mail.


I forget how slow dial-up is.

We'll be back in civilization in two days.


That bedspread is fucking ridiculous.

It's beautiful! When did you get that?

Like 1982 or something? '86. I don't know.

Don't move. Freeze. What?

There's a bug? I know what it is. Nan Goldin.

Looks like a Nan Goldin photo. Stay right there. No pictures, please.

No! Oh, my god. Perfect.

Lie down.

Work with me. Okay, pretend you're on drugs.

What drug? Heroin, of course.



Look at that.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful. That's a beautiful photo.

You're such a talented photographer. Fuck you.

You know why people are attracted to one another? Oh, my god.

Really attracted to one another? I try to kiss you and I get a lecture.

No, no, but I'm not kidding. Okay, you tell me why.

Because people of very different immune systems are attracted to one another...

So the offspring... the baby... will have a stronger immune system...

With the combination of the two immune systems.

Don't snore! It's important. Oh, no. Yeah. No.

I was saying the same thing. It's interesting.

Seriously, it's like dating public television. You realize that?

No! And you don't like that?

That's so mean. It's very educational.

Really sexy. Anyway, that's complete bullshit.

My parents were madly in love with each other when they had me.

And look at my immune system. It's a fucking wreck. I know. But they probably... it was more like an intellectual attraction. I see. I see.

And that's why they split up after you were born.

You are so sweet. So what you're saying is...

Because your parents have been together, like, 87 years, or whatever the hell it is...

38 years... that somehow you're genetically therefore superior.

No, I'm not saying that. Why do you have to make everything a competition?

Look at me. I'm barely alive. How do I make everything a competition?

Well, look, for example, I'm a photographer, and you keep taking pictures of everything.

The other day in Venice while I was taking a picture of you under that bridge, you started taking a picture of me while I was taking pictures of you.

Is this... what is this, like, shit all over Jack day?

I try to kiss you, and the next thing I know I'm genetically inferior, I'm a copycat with no identity of my own...

I never said you were genetically inferior.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't understand...

Why you're not taking it as flattery that I'm interested in photo... okay, enough of this argument.

Can we... can we go on a little bit? Because I'm enjoying this, really.

It's lovely.

What? What is it? What is it? I'm sensing something.

No, you're scaring me. No, I'm sensing something.

What is it? Like I have cancer or something? You smell, like, a tumor?

You're like those dogs. What, I'm like a dog?

Those dogs that are trained to smell something. I'm not a cancer-sniffing dog.

I'm sensing that we have very, very different immune systems.

And I really... I think we should do something about it.

Really? Like my immune system is very different from yours?

Our offsprings would be really, really strong. Immune to everything.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

All right. But maybe in the meantime before we do procreate, you mind getting a condom?

Where are they? Under the sink.

When did you get these?

Like circa the Nan Goldin bedspread purchase?

No, I got them in January. January?

Yeah. Were you planning on cheating on me in January?

Actually, I was planning on having sex with you in January, but you canceled because you had an eye infection.

You were supposed to come to Paris, remember?

Oh, yeah. That's right. Chlamydia in the eye. It's so rare.

It's so sexy.

What? What the hell is going on?

What is it? Are these things even condoms?

No, but that... what else is it? I don't know. I... you're gonna break it. Don't pull it down like this from the tip. No.

These are smaller than the ones in Italy, if that's possible.

No, they're not smaller... okay, I give up.

Okay, what is it? You just go like this.

This is... this is pretty simple. Careful.

Oh, I didn't touch you.

Barely. Is this, like, a kid-sized condom?

Do they make condoms for kids? Okay, it's on.

No wonder the French men have to be so romantic. Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Okay, let's do this. All right, great. All right, yes.

Oh, no. That's my leg.

Please. No.

I can't see you. I could be having sex with Gregory peck or something.

Well, good for you. Okay, so much for foreplay.

Who is it?

It's my mother. Am I disturbing you?

It's okay. It's just my mother.

Don't come in. We're getting changed.

I came to see if you've got any clothes to wash.

We'll bring it down later. Okay, I'll wait.

You'll wait downstairs? Yes.


Thanks, bye.

Your mother has keys? Of course she has keys. I'm away 10 months a year.

Oh, my god. All right, do you have anything to wash? She wants to know.

No, I don't... I don't have... no. Oh, god.

It's a machine. I'm sorry. I gotta take a shower.

'Cause the thing is cutting off circulation to my brain, and your mom and the whole... what are you talking about? I'm sorry. I love you.

All right. Nice. Okay, good-bye.


Oh, god! I'm going to start on the rabbit.

I have to chop it up. Ooh, la, la.

All right?

All the sparrows in the garden have been scared off by Jean-Luc.

Of course. He'd gobble them up.

You think so? But he's so sweet.

Are you kidding?

It's only because we're bigger and we feed him...

That he doesn't eat us alive.

You're so negative.

Hasn't he put on weight?

I had some cans of foie gras getting past their sell-by date.

You fed him foie gras?

You know he only eats dry cat food.

I've had him 10 years and that's all he eats.

Fat is bad for animals. He's enormous!

He's like dad. You get your hands on someone and turn them into a fat lump.

They won't let me keep him with me in the cabin.

That's why I have to keep him under 5 kilos.

They'll put him in the luggage compartment, drug him and... lots of animals die during the flight.

How can you say that? I've taken care of him for two weeks.

I love this cat, but your dad hates him.

He calls him "eat-shit-sleep."

He wanted to kick him out and now you tell me... calm down.

They'll put him in a cage! You're scaring him.

They're going to kill him!

What's going on?

My mother has always been very good at crying, turning any situation to her advantage.

In a few seconds, my dad will reprimand me...

And never again will I mention the fact that Jean-Luc has gained 10 pounds.

We couldn't go on vacation because of that spoiled doormat!

You say Paris is great in summer, with all the filthy cars gone away.

If you upset your mother, you'll be in trouble.

He's fat. He had them chopped off.

Like me. That's why I got fat!

I had them chopped off by your mother.


Is, uh, everything okay down there?

Yes. Why? Uh... no reason.

Are you coming down? We're having lunch in, like, 30 minutes.

I'm a little terrified, but okay.

All right, let's do this.

Hello. Hello. How are you?

Jack, Jeannot. Good to finally meet you.

Your other cat. He hasn't had them chopped off, huh?

Oh. Oh, no. Insulted already?

Does he understand? No.

Huh? Ah, go.

Ooh, la, la. It's very hot. Watch out.

Smells good. What is that? Yes. It's delicious. He's a great cook.


What's "lapin"?



Oh, no. What?

Oliver. Who's Oliver?

My pet bunny when I was eight years old. He was ravaged by the neighbor's Labrador.

All that was left was two ears. But I'll eat it.

You don't have to eat it. Yes, I do.

Lapin, no? Very good.

Lapin. I don't want to upset the natives.

Please. A thigh.

You don't have to. I didn't know about Oliver. Yes, I do.

Please. Plate.

Oh. A little leg.

Please. Thank you. It looks like chicken.

A small piece. I'm used to small ones.

Marion? Some back.

Oh, the head! It's good, taste.

For real men!

Real men eat the head.

Is that... is that the heart?

No, that's the head. He likes the head.

Carrot? Oh, carrot. Sure.

Carrot, Jack. We're gonna eat the bunny's food as well, huh?

Yes. Are his toys in there?

Sauce, wine black... wine, uh... white wine. Wine, uh, white.

White wine? Oh. Vin blanc.

Vin blanc. Vin blanc.

Anna, your plate. No, no, I don't want.

Oh! What a pain in the butt.

Got enough, dad? Is that your diet?

Rabbit is lean meat.

But look how much you're eating!

And look at your fat ass!

This guy is sick in the head.

I've got a fat ass because I stopped smoking 18 months ago.

Jeannot, that's enough! Will you stop bugging her?

She's the one bugging us! What? I'm eating it. I'm eating it.

She came from New York especially!

It has nothing to do with you.- Shut up, asshole!

Let's be civilized. He came all this way to meet you. Talk to him!

We'll talk to Jack, then.

We'll talk about American literature.

Kerouac? Ker... yes, I love Kerouac. J'aime Kerouac. Yeah, yeah.

Faulkner? Is he quizzing me?

It's a little welcome quiz. Faulkner?

Faulkner, yes. The sound and the fury.


Ah, yes. Miller, Henry? Henry Miller.

Yes, yes. Expat. Ahead of his time. Sex?

Yes, sex. Yes. Sex is good.

Sex, Miller. Sex is... dad, don't start! What's that mean?

Non, jeannot, non! Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry.

Uh, French write?

Hmm? Speak French writer.

French writers, yeah. -Now we're doing French writers?

Yes, we are. Rimbaud.

Rimbaud, yes. Yes. Très bon. Rambo?

Rambo? - That's how they say it in English.

Oh, I mispronounced. Ah, Rambo.

Yes. What a bunch of idiots!


It's a highbrow humor.


Good, good, good. Verlaine.

Verlaine. Huh? Molière.

Ooh. Bravo.

Not bad! See!

Auguste Renoir... a great writer.

He's a painter! Ah, good!

He's trying to trick me! I know. He did.

Bravo, Jack! He's not like the morons you usually bring home.

You can't fuck with me, man. Thanks a lot.

With such a weird face, he better be smart! Mama!

What? Nothing.

It's Rose.

She's got keys too, huh?

Hi. It stinks in here.

Sorry, we didn't have time to deodorize. Ow!

Bonjour, mama. Hi, dad.

You're early.

I got out of work early. Hello.

Hi. How are you? I'm Rose.

Yes, Jack. Nice to meet you. My sister.

Nice to meet you.

As attractive as in the photos. As nice as ever.

Isn't there any coffee? Yes, in the coffeepot.

See to it, huh? As usual.

She's getting worse. I pity the kids she takes care of.

I can hear you!

Are we gonna go visit Paris?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Um, I would like to go see the catacombs.

And the, uh... what is it? Pére-lachaise? Pére-lachaise.

The catacombs and a cemetery? A lot of fun, isn't he?

Well, to see Jim Morrison's grave.

Did I say something tacky?

We took pictures in Venice. Didn't we? Didn't we? Oh, yes, many pictures.

You wanna... would you like to see some pictures? Yeah? Yes.

Mom, do you ever use your computer?

No. We asked Rose to teach us but... I haven't had time.

You didn't show them at all? Or find someone else to do it?

You show up, hand out your presents, and leave the rest to me.

But you help people with learning disabilities.

Once and for all, I help children with psychological problems, not retards!

Hey, you two brats!

Just because you can send "e-miles" doesn't make you superior.

This is the Plaza San Marco. Oh.

You can put so many photos on this thing!

Yes, it's digital.

Yes, bravo. Lots of nice photos.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I just got the camera for work, but, you know, I... I like doing it.

Yes, but why no balloons in these photos? I'm sorry?

Rose? Why did you say that?

It's just a joke. He didn't get it.

Uh... did you show the photos to your sister?

No. Quoi? No. Shh. I told her about it.

You're a real pain. I didn't do anything!

Honey. Oh, yes.

What? Good!

Stop it, dad. Balloons. Photo balloons.

No, dad, please don't!

Three balloons. What a pain! Please don't do this!

Nice weenie with balloons.

Balloons! No!


You're unbelievable! I'm sorry.

Nice weenie.


Really, Anna. You're pains, all of you.

Okay, sweetie, you're not... it's funny. Sweetie, it's funny. So... funny. Stop being overprotective.

Um, that's a little bird on the... bird? Terrace of the hotel.

Au revoir.

Drop by your dad's art gallery. There's an opening.

Homosexuals! It's just not right. It's disgusting!

Huh, Kiki? You wouldn't do that.

Nice snorting.

You used to like my snorting when I laughed. I know. But I said... after two years it gets a little tiring.

I said I liked your snorting 'cause I was trying to get in your pants.

Once I got in your pants, there was no need to compliment you on your snorting anymore.

But now it "discusses" you. It doesn't "discuss" me.

"Discuss me" would be, like, if we were to discuss something.

I'm sorry. I speak four languages, okay? Oh, yeah.

Which one of them do you speak well again? I'm not...

'cause I have no proof that you speak French well.

For all I know, you could be stupid in French. It's true. How would I know?

You know, I'm not a big death fan, but this place is strangely UN-depressing.

I know. All the Parisians are dead here.

That's why it's so quiet? Yeah, it's so nice.

Je t'aime. Why do you put a... je t'aime. Je t'aime.

Je t'aime. It's French. It's easy. You don't put a... it's not German.

It's so ugly when you speak French.

It's really... why are we even going there?

Jim Morrison? Why? You don't even like the doors.

No, it's a famous grave, though. I'm a huge Val Kilmer fan.

You take your photo and we go, okay? All right.

Pardon. Pardon.

Oh, no... we're getting the party started.

Just take the photo. What's wrong with her? Little miniature hippie.

Are you all right, miss?

Come on.

Okay, let's go. I'm a free spirit.

This is it. Super cool.

Yeah, super cool.

I'm so sorry. I can't believe the catacombs were closed.

It's one of my favorite things to do in Paris. Yeah, well...

I can't believe we have not run into one single person I know this entire trip.

I mean, what about the collective dynamics of the small world network?

Collective dynamics of the small world network, a book Jack read while we were in Venice.

Everywhere we went, he was looking for proof that this theory works.

It's very simple. Our world is very small.

And if you travel to the other side of the planet, there is a very high probability that you will bump into someone...

Who lives right down the street from you.

Scientifically, it is proven that it's not just chance.

We are a whole and everything is connected.

The illusion of chaos in which we live...

Is actually quite orderly and definitely linked.

But it's just a theory, and Jack spent our two weeks in Venice...

Looking for a sign of it, and nothing. Morality, mortality?

Manu! Marion? Amazing!

Okay? I was talking about you...

Only today. Really?

So what's new?

Well, my book's just come out. Great. A novel?

No, short stories. But... linked.

Great. This is Jack. Manu.

How are you? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Jack.

You speak French? No, no.

So that's it? You've settled in the states for good?

For now, yeah. I'm with Jack and it's going well.


Are you going to Vanessa's tonight?

Yes, for sure. Me too.

We're going to my friend's party tonight. Oh, tonight. Yeah, yeah.

You haven't changed. It's amazing.

It's like time has stood still.

Stop it. You decided not to age.

Cut the bullshit. We spent all night on a train.

You look gorgeous. Stop it.

I swear. Stop it. Stop it.

Well, we'd better go. My dad has an opening later.

Jeannot. Say hello for me. Yeah. See you later.

Nice to meet you, man. Yeah, that was nice, homey.

"That was nice, homey"? Oh, that's funny.

Let's get a cab, huh? You wanna get a cab? Okay.

Um, so what's the deal, man? What?

That guy was looking at you like you were a big leg of lamb.

It's like he had the fork and the knife and the bib. I am a big leg of lamb.

I know, but you're my leg of lamb. How do you know him?

Well, we met many years ago, and we had a little thing.

I think I gave... I gave him a blow job. No big deal.

Really? A blow job's no big deal?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all right.

It's no big deal in comparison to what's going on in the world.

You know, there's George Bush, the war in Iraq, there's avian flu and there's a blow job.

You know what I mean? Right, right.

In consideration, it's... nice transition. It's a pretty minor event. Don't you think?

I would actually say it's not a minor event, if you wanna start talking in the grander political scheme of things.

If you think about it, it was a blow job, after all, that brought down America's last chance at a healthy democracy.

So... yeah. Hmm.

Hey, do we have to go to this thing tonight?

You don't wanna go? No, no, I'm just... we don't have to go, but I'd love to see my friends. No, it's fine.

Are you friends with all your exes?

I'm friends with some of my exes.

I mean, you know, most of them.

I mean, this guy's a really wonderful writer-poet.

A French poet.

You're not friends with any of your exes?

No. Really?

No. I didn't know that about you.

When it was over, it was over. So, if we broke up, you would not like to see me ever again?

No. I mean, if I ran into you, I wouldn't avoid you.

But I wouldn't go out of my way to hang out with you, no.

So that means you don't think I'm a likable person outside of our relationship?

Oh, yeah, basically. That's interesting.

I like you. I would like to be your friend when we break up. Oh, when?

Whenever we break up. Oh, okay.

If we break up. You know, I would like you even if we were not together.

Well, that's very evolved of you. I mean, I'm... you know.

That's the way we do it in France... we stay really close to our exes.

France is responsible for so much of your personal behavior.

How does the government feel about that?

They make me pay a lot of taxes. Right. Hey, look.

Could we stop at a pharmacy? My head is just killing me. I ran out of migraine medication.

Really? Oh, no. We can get codeine over the counter here, right?

No. No? Why no?

Well, because it's France. You can't buy opiates over the counter.

It's not Afghanistan. Hmm.

Okay, there's no taxi here. Come on. Let's go.

Maybe you can find some heroin over the counter.

This is the bridge. I've seen last tango more than anybody on the planet.

Stop there. Where?

Right there. You're doing Brando in the opening scene.

I'm not doing Brando. Yeah. Look... why don't you do Brando? 'Cause you look more like Brando than I do.

I don't look anything like him. Come on.

Oh, man. Fingers in the ear. And then... back. You're in pain.

You're very upset. Here we go. Ah... fingers in the ear.


All right, good. You know what? What?

Taking pictures all the time turns you into an observer.

It automatically takes you out of the moment. This is the bridge!

For our trip to Venice, I wanted to be in the moment with Jack.

But instead of kissing on the gondola, Jack took 48 pictures on the gondola.

Instead of holding hands walking across piazza San Marco, Jack took 72 pictures of piazza San Marco.

Et cetera. Et cetera.

Which one of these looks more Godard?

Uh... Godard?

Or Godard?

Black. Huh.

How do I look? The question is, is how do I look?

Okay. Um, you look great. You look really good actually.

Like not too fat or too, like... no, you look fat, but you look good.

You look good.

Really, without your glasses, I kind of forgot how good...

I know. I "find" my contacts finally.

Making quite an effort, huh? Huh?

Unlike Venice. Is it for manu?

Manu? We're gonna pass by...

My father's, uh, gallery, on the way.

Is that okay? No, because...

I think you might like it.

Do you read the Bible? I have the Bible?

I didn't even know I had the Bible.

You have this in the Bible.

Oh, that's, uh... oh, yeah.


No, but... oh, that's so funny. You found it. Yeah.

No, it's... I was looking for it the other day.

I... it's, uh... what's his name?

I don't know. I mean, there's so many.

He's the boyfriend of one of my best friends when I was a kid.

Jean-Phillipe. Jean-Louis. Jean-Louis. Jean-Francois!

Jean-Francois? Jean-Francois? It was about 10 years ago.

That's not an ex-boyfriend or anything. That's just a friend.

It was the 14th of July. He was drunk. I was drunk. We were all drunk.

You should see around him. There was, like, 20 people around wearing balloons.

You don't think it's a little offensive to have the same picture?

What? What? It's the same exact photo.

As what? "As what?"

Yeah. Oh, I... no. As me.

No, it's not. It's not at all. Those are blue, white and red balloons.

Oh, that's... like the 14th of July.

Is this... is this like the equivalent of mounting different boyfriends' heads on the wall?

But instead, you take pictures of helium balloons tied around cocks?

Are there more? If I start looking through all of the books, will I find just a catalog of men with helium balloons tied around their dick?

Will it start raining helium balloons on cocks?

No. It's a coincidence.

Come on. It's no big deal.

No, I just feel really... special.

You're special to me. That photo we did was special.

That was not like this one. This one was, like, I was drunk.

Everyone was drunk. You're offended.

Yeah. You're very special.

Like in the retarded way, which is obviously why I am going out with you.

You're okay, booby? Yeah.

Are you American? Uh... he is. I'm French. We live in New York.

Cool! I love New York.

I went last year. I loved downtown, Soho... cool, man. Ah, super cool.

Are you married? Non.

Do you have children? Non.

Really? How old are you? We're all friends here, right?

Yeah. I'm 35.

Don't wait too long. Won't he give you one?

No, it's me. No, no. I don't believe that.

All women want children. It's in their nature.

If he doesn't want to...

I can help. It's up to you, of course.

I make beautiful kids.

So if you want a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney. It's up to you.

You know who to call.

He's just saying how beautiful his kids are.

Hmm. That's funny.

I'm just saying because... You're not bad.

You look like that American actress.

She's married to that guy from fatal attraction. Douglas!

He's saying I look like Catherine zeta-Jones. Catherine zeta-Jones?

That's the one!

Great. We have a blind cab driver. No, I know.

But I'm blonde and I don't look like her.

But you've got exactly the same face, sparkling eyes... you're like twin sisters.

Except you're more beautiful, of course.

Jack. Enchanté. Jack.

De Gaulle is fucking the ass...

Of middle class French. Right.

'68 at the barricades!

Bam! Bam!

That's Anna. Anna.

Because Michelle was with Anna.

They shared the same woman for a while with my mother.

They were having sex. Of course they did.

Lover. The lover. The lover, yeah.

They're all touching each other. It's, uh... a chicken. Chicken. Chicken.

Sure, you gotta have a chicken. Yeah, chicken, sex.

Oh, no, no. I... it's French! But I get migraines.

Marion, "migraine"? What's he saying?

He gets headaches from red wine.

Speak French, goddamn it!

Are you nuts? You'll scare him.

Red wine gives him migraines.

The exhibition's fabulous, dad. Really, you like it?

It's a man who is pregnant having a baby.

Oh, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Hermaphrodite.

Dad, show him my favorites.

I'll leave you with Jack. You take care of him.

But we can't understand each other.

Uh, pigs. Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. Pigs with some sort of salami. Yes.


Marion? Marion?

Yes? Yes? What's going on? Your father... cunnilingus. Cunnilingus French. Cunnilingus.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. Oh, no.

Where are you going?

How are you? Fine, and you?

Yeah, fine.

Good-bye, Jack. Au revoir.

See you soon. Yeah.

Huh? Oh, yes. Yeah. Oui. Au revoir. Au revoir.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Where are you going? I'm done here. I'll see you at Vanessa's?

Yeah. You know, I wanted to tell you...

I think it's wrong what Marion did... showing those pictures of you with the balloons to the family.

Well... it's wrong. You know, it's... it's not right.

It showed... it showed no respect for your "intimity" as a couple.

"Intimity"? Oh, intimacy. Your intimacy.

I know, right? I'm not crazy, right? No.

Take care. Okay, all right.

What are you doing? Oh, I needed some air. It was so stuffy in there.

I know. It's hot. You wanna go? Yeah, yeah. You ready?

You say good-bye to my dad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

You okay? Yeah.

I gotta tell you something. I think it was wrong you showed that picture to your family.

It shows a total lack of respect for our intimacy.

Oh, the picture. But it's so funny. Come on.

It's totally inappropriate. My dad loved it. He thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, judging by the work in his gallery, somehow that doesn't surprise me.

I just don't like being laughed at, that's all.

Come on. I never take subways in New York.

There is no chance of a terrorist attack right now.

Everyone's happy.

They don't look happy. Hmm?

They don't look happy.

It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay.

I got it.

It didn't work.

Maybe not crazy enough.


Hello. Jack.

Vanessa. My friends. Nice to meet you.

Hi. So you're the new boyfriend?

What's your name? Sandra.

Oh, Sandra. New boyfriend? Uh, not that new.

But all right. Nice to meet you.

Somewhat used. Hey.


Very good. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. No. Very good. I'm eating little hot dog balls.

I got a beer. Everything's good. Oh, good.

You want some more food? I'm okay, honey. I'm 35.

Okay, fine.

She... she still breast-feeds me, but don't tell anybody.

Elves came to help me one day when I was looking for something...

And they found it for me.

Bullshit! I swear it's true!

By the way, did you notice...

How most woman have their pussy formatted.

They have that horrible cut, you know.

The subway ticket.

Subway ticket? Uh... yeah, it's... the ticket métro, we call it here... it's narrow and rectangle.

Oh, landing strip. Yeah, I hate it.

You don't like that? No, it's horrible.

Yeah, yeah. I actually call it Hitler's mustache.

Wow. You really hate it.

You look at it like this and the thing's like... yeah, it's horrible.

It always make my cock back away. Not... uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's not the right term? No, I...

you know, when it gets scared or cold?

Oh, yeah, scared. I guess, cold.

Maybe Americans don't have that problem, you know.

You're never scared of entering hostile territory.

By the way, I'm Mathieu. Nice to meet you. Mmm. Jack.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, sweetie. The guy's talking about fascist vaginas.

I saw you from over there.

You're doing an exhibition? Photos?

A bit more conceptual.

Sort of bill viola but more sexual. You'd like it.


What? No, he's doing an exhibition.

Like he's a really interesting artist. Oh, yeah.

Ex-boyfriend? No!

You sure? That'd be a record.

Oh, man...

You don't have to speak to him. Come on. No, I want to. I love man...

I always thought that a very small lie, if it has no repercussions on anything or anyone, is not really a lie.

You have to make a small diagram in your head...

Evaluating the pros and cons of the possible consequences, d - c e I t and especially if there's a chance that the lie might be uncovered.

Hey, it's you. How you doing? Hey, man, how are you?

Oh, okay. Sure. Okay. What's up?

Not much. Not much. How you doing? I'm okay.

She told you that we used to be together, right? Oh, yes.

You know, man, it was, like, 15 years ago, so it's no... yeah, yeah. No big deal, really.

Yeah. I... she was 19.

Just a child. I gave her her first orgasm through intercourse.

I mean, this is rude. I know when I'm rude. This is rude. Sorry about that.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Hey, look, you paved the way for the rest of us, right?

I'll drink to that. Let's toast to that.

Let's toast to that. Okay.

Anyway, you know, it wasn't even a big love story. Mm-hmm.

More like brother and sister. Oh, a brother and sister that have sex.

No big deal, you know. Right. Well, to each his own.

I have to just go get this, uh... the-the thing. Okay.

I love that guy. Go get it.

What is it? Sole blow job, huh? You had sex with the guy.

Who? Manu!

No! Well, yes. Just vaguely. "Vaguely"?

What is that, just the tip? I don't see what the point of lying about it is.

I didn't lie. You did. And not to mention the fact...

That he told me that he was the first person to give you an orgasm through intercourse.

Sound familiar? Rings a bell, doesn't it? No, listen, I... no. I told him that to make him feel better... I mean, good. Right, exactly.

Which is exactly what you told me. Did I?

Oh, my god. But you "knew" it's true with you.

Is that amnesia? I don't understand. No, booby, don't be... don't be all crappy like this. Please, don't be jealous.

You knew I wasn't a virgin when I met you. I was 33.

Okay, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the lying about it.

Of course you're not a virgin. Far from it, in fact. I'm gonna get some dinner.

I'm a child psychologist. I work with, uh, children with difficulties...

In their teens. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rich children with money and problems. Oh, right.

Yeah, that happens. Well, that... that sounds very fascinating.

One time... I have to tell you this story. Uh-huh.

I was working with this kid in my office... uh-huh.

And I had to go to the toilets. Uh-huh.

And when I came back, my chair was all wet.

Ha, ha. That little... rat, he had peed on it. Oh.

I was so... I was so mad.

The only thing I could think about after that is that I just wanted to...

Cut it off... I just wanted to cut it off.

Quit your job or... no!

I wanted to cut off his little penis! Oh, his little penis.

Yes. Oh, boy.

I really like this salad. Are there mussels in it?

I can't take it. We fight all the time.

You go to temple sometimes? Uh, no.

In fact, I'm not really Jewish. What... well, my mother was brought up catholic.

Even though I have a Jewish last name. So, technically not Jewish.

But your father is Jewish. So you're Jewish too, man.

Right, right. You're a happy, hairy Jewish man.

You think Hitler would have let you go because your mother's not Jewish?

Doesn't change anything. You'll be in a camp. Put in a camp by all these guys.

Right, right. Okay, all right.

Yeah, I never liked camp.

By the way. I'll be in your apartment for a couple of days.

Marion invited me. We got a real small one bedroom.

I'll bring foie gras. I feel that I'm your brother.

And that what mine is just yours, man.

Does that mean what's mine is yours?

If you wanna give, I'll take it. So this applies to everything?

Let me just explain something to you.

Um, I'm American, right? Yeah.

And in America, what's mine is mine.

See, my first religion is private property.

Don't trespass. Don't touch my shit. Yeah.

Or I'll kill you. Okay? That's good, man.

I like that, man. See you in August. I love your humor.

You told this paranoid crazy person he can stay at our place in August?

No. I said he could stay if we were away.

You might wanna talk to him, 'cause he thinks our apartment is the fucking promised land.

I was talking to Jack. Nice guy. Yeah, nice.

Not uptight, not too American. No broom up his ass.

Tattoos all over, but I guess you must like that.

Well, he's been in jail so... a financial thing? Enron... no, he did eight years.

Homicide. First-degree murder.

This guy was staying with him and his girlfriend.

Jack was 19 and he... he has anger-management issues.

He invited me to stay a few days in August but...

I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it.

That sucks. I'm going to get another drink.

I want to remember the least romantic day in Parisian history.

All these off-the-wall projects, I couldn't do them here.

I had to, I had to... these old perverts wanted me to blow them. Disgusting.

That's disgusting.

You didn't have to blow anyone to make it?

In art you don't have to blow? No, you don't have to blow, but... you have to lick a bit. Yeah, that's it.

She's totally empty now.

Shit! My contact lens.

There it is.

You got it? Yeah.


I'll put it back in.

Hey, are you okay? Don't fall.

♪ In the stars in the stars ♪

What the fuck?



Marion... what's going... oh, oh, oh. Oh, sweetie.

What's going on? What's going on? I don't feel good.

Huh? I don't feel good.

What's the matter? What's the matter? The mussels.

Huh? I've just remembered, I'm allergic.

Wha... I ate mussels, didn't I?

We-we had m... no, no, no.

We had mussels last month on long island. Mussels.

Yeah, but it was American mussels. Maybe I'm allergic to French mussels.

Quiet! Someone call 911! Is it 911 here?

No! What?

I'm allergic to French mussels. Somebody call... wait. What's the matter? What's the matter?

I don't have a pulse. Yes, you do, honey. You're alive.

I don't have a pulse! No, no, no. Yes, you do.

I'm dead! No, you're not. You're talking...

I'm dead! No, you're not...

you had a dizzy spell.

I had no pulse! Breathe deeply.

I had something stuck in my throat, something hairy.

I'm allergic to French mussels. You have to give me an injection.

You ate too much, that's all.

Drink some water... I'm scared, doctor!

Get some fresh air, you'll be fine. Your blood pressure's perfect.

Jack? I'm alive, booby.

Yeah, I know you are. I could tell by all the talking.

Yes. Yeah.

Hey, do you have anything for, uh, sinuses?

Antihistamine? Uh, actually, no.

No. But she'll be fine. She'll be okay.

Yeah, I know. Okay.

Another Arab. The last one I took jumped out without paying.

The other day I had some Germans.

Never again.

They had sausages in their bags. It still stinks!

Nothing but Romanian scum!

Did you enjoy talking to my sister?

I mean, you barely spoke to anyone else.

That's untrue. I talked to Mathieu and manu and Sandra.

They were charming.

Charming as in charming, or are you sarcastic? No, no, they were lovely.

I can't tell with you.

Where's your friend from? He doesn't speak French.

He's American.


You don't speak English. No, I don't.

You don't speak many languages. What?

I speak French. That's enough, okay?

You don't want us in your taxi because we're not speaking French?

Who do you pick up in your taxi? You don't like Germans.

Arabs? No, you don't like Arabs.

The Romanians? Send them home with their whores!

And gas the Jews!

Hey, I never said that!

Gas chambers were an invention to get our money!

Are you sick in the head? Listen to yourself!

Hey, dumb blonde, who do you think you're talking to?

You're the fucking dumb blond! Hey, hey... sweetie, it's okay. It's under control.

"Sweetie." We're dealing with a fucking psychopath...

Nazi fucking racist asshole.

And that's okay, because you know what? That's France.

We are in France. "Sweetie," uh... welcome to France! Welcome to France! Welcome to France!

We're getting out here.

Before you get out you pay me, or we go straight to the cops.

We'll pay you, asshole! We're rich. We're Americans!

You shut your mouth!

I'll kick your ass! Whose ass you gonna kick?

You with the beard, shut up! Uh, over here. Whoa, we can... we can just... this is fine. This is good right here.

I'm just gonna find a spot to park... oh, my god. Oh, my god.

And then we'll have a talk, little woman.

We're gonna talk about your little woman?

No, I said you, little woman! I thought you meant your wife.

Because I heard your wife's fucking an Arab.


Thank you so much. That was very educational. Thank you.

Good night. Fuck you!

Good night. Thanks.

Bitch! Go get fucked by your yank!

What is wrong with you? That guy was a racist.

You know, when we get back to the states, we're checking you into a... Anger management/rehab clinic.

I didn't even get angry. I mean, is it okay to be racist?

At least Rose is alive.

It smells like lamb in here.

This whole city smells like lamb. Uh-huh.

What is this? Did your mother do this?

Uh, laundry. That was sweet.

Oh, shit. I tell her not to do it, but she can't help it.

She irons jeans? Who irons jeans?

Ironing jeans is her favorite thing in the world.

It's... it's nice.

All right. You know... I thought she was a hippie.

Yeah, but eventually her mother's habits started creeping in and out on her.

Okay. You see, this is what I'm talking about.

What? I'm trying to get on top. Yeah, I know.

You keep fighting it. Yeah.

What's going on? 'Cause you always want to get on top.

What do you mean I always want to get on top? That's how I like to do it.

That's how you like to do it. But I'm here too. I'm not like a human dildo.

You're not? I'm serious.

You know, for all this talk about women being objectified and women are over-sexualized...

And women being pieces of meat, women being baby-making machines, it's men... it's men who are pieces of meat.

It's true. Because there's such emphasis placed on the female orgasm.

It's all about the end result. What's the best position for the woman? What's the... it should be a two-way street. It should be about compromise.

I really feel for you. I mean, it must be horrible to be a man...

And be used and be an object and all that.

I really support your cause. You should call amnesty.

I'm so sorry. You know what? I'm not in the mood anymore.

No, no, no, no, no... no. How do you want me to have sex with you?

Please. Look, I'm sorry... no. I'm not doing this right now.

Oh, hey, let's do it from behind. No!

Okay. Okay? I want to do it on top, and you keep... okay, listen. Now I'm traumatized. Okay? I've been rejected.

Do you know what it is for a woman to be rejected while she's having sex?

No, no. It's over. You know what? I'll probably never eat again.

I'm probably bulimic or anorexic. No... no... no, no, no... leave me alone.

Honey, come on. We haven't made love the entire trip.

Well, yeah! Who wasn't in the mood?

I was on the bowl the whole time.

Did you want to mount me while I was shitting my guts out? No, don't say it anymore.

I can't hear you say the word "shitting" anymore.

I'm too tired to fight. Can we do it tomorrow?

Thank you. I'm gonna sleep with the cat.

He's much sexier anyway.

Jeannot, there's water everywhere!

What? What? What? Oh, my god. What... I don't know.

They're screaming. Ow! What? Ow! What are you doing?

Look at the carpet! Call the fire department!

What is it? A pipe burst.

I'll cut the electricity.

They're on their way.

They told me to turn off the water. Where's the main inlet?

I've no idea! Go ask Mrs. Schindling.

She knows? Yes!

There's a water pipe that broke downstairs.

They're on their way.

Uh, who? The firemen.


God. I have a hangover.

I'm gonna help. Okay.

Mom, do you need help? Shit!


Sorry, we're firemen, not plumbers.

Shit, shit!

Sorry about my mom.

You live upstairs?

Yes, upstairs. But I live in New York.

They have awesome fire trucks.

Fucking shit!

Those are great sweaters. Can you buy them anywhere?

It's our uniform, given to us.

I think you can find them on the Internet now.

Ah, ou oh.

It's nice wool. Touch it.

It's great wool. No, it's okay.

Yeah, go on!

How is this? Not bad, huh?

Good quality.

Scottish wool.

What are they still doing here?

Help me instead of flirting!

We'd better go. Thanks.

Next time we'll call a plumber, not the firemen. Thanks.

Have a nice day. You too. Good-bye.

Oh, hey, guys. How you doing? Jack. Enchanté.

Salut. Jack. How you doing?

Um, can I touch too? Your... hmm?


No? Okay. All right. Okay. Good.


Wait. Oh... oh. Oh. All right. All right.

Eh? All right... ooh!

Something wrong with that guy! Nice.

It's finally under control. I'm soaking wet. Ah, bet you are.


Bring your American to the market to see some real food.

I'll have a shower first.

Do you want to come? To the market? Listen.

I have such a terrible hangover.

Maybe you should spend some alone time with your dad. No. He asked you to come.

How do I know? He's speaking French. For all I know, he said I killed Christ.

It's one of my favorite things to do in Paris. I want to share this with you. Please.

Yes. Yes, yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you.

All right.

Then we'll go to brunch, okay? Oh, I feel sick though.


"Chaute." huh?

"Chaud". Yes, it's hot. Chaud. Chaud.

Chaud. Chaud. Shout.

Shout. Chaud, chaud.

Uh, did you like visiting Paris?

Oh... yes, yes. Very nice, very nice.


Uh, uh... do you like Jim Morrison? Not really, no.

So why did he go to see his grave? It's a tourist thing.

What? It's a touristical thing to do. That's all.

Does he know?

No, I haven't told him. I'm a tourist.

I'll take this opportunity to tell you.

The next time you go on vacation... um... leave your cat somewhere else. What do you mean?

What's the problem? Honey... hello?

Every day at 5:00 A.M. he wants to get in the bathroom.

I told you he likes running water.

What is it? He just keyed the car.

That cat is low maintenance. Worse than a kid.

Are you going to have one? Don't bug me. What is it, sweetie?

Look how this one's parked. He keyed that car. He's doing it again!

He's keying the car. It's parked on the sidewalk.

What is that, like a French ticket? You can just... no. He keys... is it legal here to key the car... no, he keys cars parked on the sidewalk. It's his thing, okay?

Honey... look at that one!

What? Oh, no, no. No, he's gonna key that one.

Well, honey, stop the man. What do you mean stop the man? I can't stop him.

Well, let's... then let's run or something. Dad, stop it.

Come on. Do it at night if you have to.

You're making Jack uncomfortable. He doesn't like it.

Can we pick up the pace a little bit? Car bad.

Car bad. Car bad. Yeah. Yeah. Well... he doesn't like cars. Apparently. No, he's a... pollution. Huh?

Pollution. Pollu... pollution, yeah. Well, you should run for office.


Yes, cornflowers. I'll come back for them later.

I won't pay you with my body today. My daughter's with me.

No sleep. No sleep. Okay.

Went to a party. Soiree. No sleep?

Soiree, and... sleep?

Oh, we didn't... no sleep. No sleep?

No... "sleep" not "slip". He doesn't sleep in a nightie.

Ooh, la, la. Oh, Jack... oh, god! Oh, my god. Pig.

He was suckling last night.

Oh, my god. That's so disturbing.

Okay. I'm sorry... look what the French did to babe.

Oh, it's so sad.

Jack, look, look, look. Uh... uh-huh.

What's that tongue? Calf.

Uh, tongue. Oh, oh.

Tongue of veal. The tongue of... look... look at this.

Yeah... no, I see it. I see it, yeah. Oh, my god.

All right, um... oh. The...


Oh! Baby lamb. Baby lamb.

That's sweet, the way he personifies the skinned baby animal.

Uh, I don't... I'm not doing so well.

Really? Yeah. I feel like I might have to go back, uh, to the apartment. Where? Oh, okay.

You're feeling a little sick. Okay. I'm sorry. I stayed up till 4:00...

Watching m, and, you know, I'm starting to get paranoid... all the people and the skinned animals.

I feel like I'm gonna get lynched, you know?

I'm sick.

He has a bit of a cold.

A hangover?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I love this place very much. D'accord.

I love it so much. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. You take care. Okay. All right.

You feel better. Yeah.

You got the keys, booby, right? Yeah, yeah... bye-bye.

Au revoir.

He's sick? Just a cold.

Let's go to the organic vegetables stall.

"1 new message"

You don't tell your mother about this, okay?

I shouldn't do this.

"You make me as hard as wood! Mathieu"

Hello, madam.

Sorry, I thought you were at the market.

Oh, they're... they're still at the market. I just came back to take a shower.

I washed your shirts. You don't mind?

Thanks very much.

That's so nice of you. Very nice. Very nice.

Jeannot, uh, very angry with me.

Mad at me because of Jim Morrison.

He-he doesn't like the doors?

Because of me with Jim, uh, uh... yes.

You... oui.

You and ]... oh.

I had a short affair with him.

In, uh, '69.

Many people, uh, were very happy with their body.

No aids, no death.

Sex fun. Everyone with everyone.

Oh. The mother's a slut too.

Oh, I see. Uh... no, that's... that's a beautiful story. It's very beautiful.

And do you know after the... abortion movement.

For women. Oh! Uh, women's lib. Yeah.

The 343 bitches movement. I was one. Do you know that?

I was one of the bitches! Oh, you were... oh, I see. Yeah.

Can you, uh, pass me the cat, please? Oh. Jean-Luc?

Oh. He's... I think he's... Jean-Luc?

Ah, he's here. Oh, okay. Yeah. Au revoir.

Bye-bye. Au revoir. Au revoir. Merci.

You... you got the door?


Lovely flowers, miss.

Stop hitting on every girl, dad, please.

Hitting on them? Anything that moves.

I only hit on pretty girls.

"You loved it, you hussy having me lick your pussy..."

"I'm your salami for life"

What music would you like? What do you have?

Brel, ferré, trenet... Barbara.

Whatever you prefer. I'll put something on for you.


It's music day today.

It's like people playing around. They play music everywhere.

Oh. It's a special day.

We should walk around, no?

Mm. Grizzly.


You brought your camera.

Yeah, I might take a few photos.

♪ And tons of cake servers

♪ a 10-speed blender

♪ just for your vinaigrettes

♪ a beautiful air-purifier

♪ that eats all smells

♪ heated blankets waffle irons ♪

♪ an airplane for two

♪ and we'll be happy ♪ what are you gonna eat? I'm not really that hungry.

You don't want to eat anything? No.

You sure? Mm-hmm.

Hi. Salut.

Still writing for that right-wing rag?

What? Nothing. I'm just saying hello.

Do you know these guys? Just a little bit.

Okay, Edouard?

At least you're faithful to your friends.

Shall we go?

Have you decided?

Could I just get a bowl of ground glass? Pardon?

A beer, please.

An omelet.


How was your trip to the Philippines?

Uh, I'm Jack. Gaël.

Jack. Edouard.

Enchanté. See, that's how we do it in America.

One second. Okay.

The trip you dumped me for, to be "free".

Let's go.

Expats never get over those exotic countries.

It's like former colonials.

Life's so good there. The women are...

So gentle, so young.

Finished? It speaks!

You've grown some balls. Interesting.

You couldn't handle me dumping you.

What I couldn't handle was something else!

But I better not say.

Sh-should I leave? I'm sorry, sweetie. It's gonna be fine.

Why don't you just tell me what's going on as a courtesy?

No? Nothing. Okay. This is fun.

You're not that dull. I found that out later on.

You weren't my type, period.

Wanna know what his type is? Shut up!

Okay. Okay.

No, I'm not his type. He worked for an N.G.O. in Thailand...

And screwed 12-year-olds.

A 30-year-old is less sexy than a "woman" of 12!

You're crazy. It's all in your head.

Oh, yes, I forgot. He explained to me.

We judge it with our western minds. We shouldn't.

It's different over there.

It's normal for women and children to be prostitutes.

It's their culture. You shouldn't feel guilty about screwing them.

It's true. You pretend to help the third world but screw them like everyone else.

Just because I ditched you! All I wanted was a chick who can shut up.

A 12-year-old knows how to do that.

But I don't!

Edouard, he screwed the love of your life on vacation.

Oh... oh, darn it!

He didn't... you never told him?

Oh, I'm sorry, really.

Shut up, cunt!

What are you... what's going on? It's okay.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm fine. I'm fine.

What are you doing? I'm fine.

She's insane!

I'm calm now.

I'm okay, sweetie. I'm okay. I'm totally cool.

Everything's in control.

That's enough!

We didn't break anything. Go on, get outta here!

Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you.

This shows France in a great light!


What? What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Honestly. I mean, you're like a crazy person.

Don't say that! No, you had crazy eyes.

I mean, what are you... are you Mike Tyson?

You're Mike Tyson! I'm not Mike Tyson!

I'm dating Mike Tyson! No, you're not!

It was a guy I dated that did something so horrible... no, no. Listen to me. It's so horrible. What?

It was not like a regular thing. What? When? When? When?

Seven... seven... seven years ago.

Seven years ago? And you're still this pissed? Oh, man.

But he did something despicable. He represents everything I hate.

He's, like, part of this little bourgeoisie, and he did something that is so wrong... oh, here we go. Right. Okay. That is so, like... lying and doing terrible things. All right. Mm-hmm.

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!

Like part of this post-colonial bullshit. I don't care. I don't care.

It doesn't warrant that kind of behavior, okay?

You have an impulse control disorder, and you need to be medicated.

That's the problem here.

I was... I was in control.

I was just...

I was... okay, I was angry. I was angry. But I'll never get angry again.

I lost my temper because he did something so wrong.

He had sex with children.

You know how to pick 'em, honey.

I think it was wrong to throw us out like this.

You think it was wrong to throw us out?

We're lucky we don't get shot, the two of us. I mean, honestly.

Well, they don't shoot people in France.

That's bullshit. That's another fallacy.

But anyway, um, so... so that was another ex?

Yeah. All right. No big deal. I mean, right?

Run into a couple of exes. That's not a big deal, right?

Yeah. Why would it be a big deal? Is an affair a big deal?

Is that a big deal to you? Yes. Of course.

Okay. What?

So, is the affair with this guy a big deal? Who?

With mathieu.

What? Mm-hmm.

Uh... I left my phone in Paris. You know?

That's why I picked it up when we came from New York to drop the cat. Right?

Uh-huh. So... so I left it... my mom gave it to my sister, and she had an affair with him.

So he left... he left it for my sister... the messages. Right. Right, right.

Okay. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad.

Um, try this one, though, with just slightly more feeling.

I'm not quite sure I bought that one. I mean, honestly.

Do you think I'm an... you must think I'm the stupidest person on the planet.

You expect me to believe we're a victim of some sort of little French farce here?

You know? I mean, come on!

And your poor little sister you're gonna turn into a scapegoat?

Honey, that girl's got enough problems, you know?

I mean, she's busy turning dozens of children into serial killers right now.

She's very busy. Okay, you're right. You're right.

I did have a thing with mathieu...

Two years ago, but it was nothing serious.

It was before I met you, so it doesn't count, okay?

It doesn't mean anything. You know what? You know what I'm starting to believe?

I'm starting to believe there is a small world theory... that it just applies to your sex life.

Okay? And it wasn't two years ago, honey.

I don't know what the fuck these things say, all right?

But I know that they were in January, okay, and that they're horrible.

Monsieur, monsieur... no!

What means "lick pussy"?

No! Huh?

You sicko!

See? They were bad. They were bad.

Why are you doing this? I didn't lie. He didn't like them.

You know, he kept on sending me messages even after... it was nothing.

And he keeps sending message... I mean, it's actually funny.

Some of them are really funny. Let me translate the humor to you. It's funny.

It's not like serious sex messages. So you lie. I mean, you lie.

I don't lie! I was protecting you!

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

All right! I lied!

I lied just on that. But please trust me.

I didn't do anything bad. I didn't do anything bad. How do...

I didn't cheat on you! I mean, but how do I know?

How can I even believe you anymore? And how do I know what's bad anyway to you?

In France, apparently... I mean, like, maybe having a little anal sex on the side...

Is, like, you know, going fishing or playing a little scrabble.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Trust me.

The messages mean nothing to me. It's just messages.

I didn't do anything bad. Please. We're in Paris.

Oh, no, no, we're not. No, we're not. We're not in Paris. We're in hell!

Say it. Say what?

Say I'm a whore. I'm a whore.

I'm a whore. I'm a whore.

No, I'm a whore. Just say it! No, I'm a whore!

Why, you don't want to say it? You want to stay the friendly John Wayne guy, right?

John Wayne? What?

You want to be the good guy always? I'm the Indian!

Yes! That's me! Well, let me break the news to you!

It's not your cock that's too big for French condoms.

It's your ego that's too big for French condoms.

And... and Italian condoms too.

Not bad.

Why did I say that? I'm so stupid.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Okey dokey. Uh, can I get a, uh, double cheeseburger, a, uh, mm, large fries and a Pepsi?

Sir, I don't speak English.

Uh, no English. No.

All right. Um, a, uh, uh... moo! Moo!

Right. Double. Deux. You know?

And then, uh, uh, large fries and a Pepsi, 'cause Pepsi's gotta be the same in every language.

Sir, there's the salad menu, the veggie menu and the double.

Just choose one of them. It's simple.

Oh, hey, this thing. This. This. ça?

I mean, I don't want to eat the paper, but the food on the paper.

Food on the paper, yeah.


That'll be 5 Euros 30. Ah. Yes.

Here we go. Some European money. Merci.

Were you pissed about the franc? That thing must have kind of upset you, huh?

Terrific. Thank you. I, uh... I hate Paris. Thank you. Good-bye.

Au revoir.

Hi, mathieu, it's Marion.

Hi. Hi.

Can I sit with you?

Uh, okay.

This fast food chain has half the animals still alive when they're skinned.

Everything you're eating is genetically modified.

Your bun has moths in it.

The bun has moths? Mm.

I see.

Are you having a hard time here language-wise?

The language, the food. Uh, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

You seem a bit stressed out. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I just found out my girlfriend's a slut, so... what do you mean? She has sex with many men... Over and over...

Long periods of time.

For money, probably. 'Cause she can't get enough.

Yeah. Good stuff, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird that you called. I just took it out of my workshop...

And I'm just finishing it off.

And there it is!

But... what is it? Who is it? It's you.

Not bad, eh?

It's beautiful. Your style's really developed.

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you. No, thank you.

It's you. It's incredible.

I don't know. Maybe I'm the asshole. Maybe I drove her to this, you know?

All these accusations, you know... eventually they lead to something that's, uh... maybe I don't want to expose myself to her completely, really be honest with her...

Because I'm afraid of hearing what she has to say...

About her own past and that kind of thing. Sure.

And either way, there's not a true exchange. You know, there's not real honesty.

It sounds stupid, but I've never even admitted to anybody that I've, you know, masturbated.

You know what I mean?

I see what you're saying.

But, man, love is everything we have. Mm.

See, the world around us has gone to shit, and all we have left is each other. Mm-hmm.


You know I'm a fairy.

Oh... yeah... well, I... no, no. Like a real fairy. Oh, a real... yeah. Uh-huh.

You need to go back to her. She's not a slut.

Maybe you need to be more careful with her... meaning full of care, care more.

At the very end of your life, you'll look back.

What will you think of? Of the job you got or didn't get or the money you made? No.

You will think mostly for people you loved, and especially of the one woman you loved.

And even better... she'll be right there...

Holding your hand. Mm... mm-hmm.


I'll be right back. Okay.


You're gonna have to run. Run back to her?

No, no. Just run. When the alarm goes off, you run.

It's a delayed fire. No one ever gets hurt. Excuse me?

Here's my number if you need any help. I'm Lukas. Jack.

The restroom's full of smoke. Someone locked the door.

♪ Don't be shy you should still come outside tonight ♪ I'll explain about the messages.

What will you tell him?

That it was a joke, that I don't give a shit...

And that I obviously don't love you.

Nobody wants me. I can't take it anymore!

That's not tr... come on out of there.

What are you doing? Don't break or dirty anything.

I'll call your sister.

Fuck this. This is stupid. All right.

I ran into Iraq.

Oh... hey... okay... pardon.

Outta my way, jerk! Thanks.

My bag, my bag!

It's him! What? What? What? What? What is it?

My bag! Thief! Thief! What? What? What? No, no. American.

No, I don't. I speak English. English.

Oh, the guy? The guy? He went over there. American, my ass! Filthy Arab!

Shh! My bag!

No, no! Just calm down. Relax! No, no, no, no. Police!

No, no, no. Ah!

No! No, no... comedy of errors. No.

The doppelgänger! The doppelgänger!

Oh! I'm an interior designer, for fuck's sake! Marion!

Marion, just come out, okay?

Mathieu doesn't want to touch me. I repulse men! I'm a fat tuna!

What's all this?

No, I tried to kiss her, but she keeps sobbing. It's impossible.

Of course. She's in love with her boyfriend. No psychology.

Marion, what got into you, wanting to screw this idiot?

I'll leave you to it.

Sorry, sir, we made a mistake. We're really sorry.

Yeah. You guys have been terrific. Thank you.

Are you sure it's not him? Yes, we're sure.

I don't know what you're saying, but you have a wonderful singing voice.

A cup of tea.

Sorry about your soap holder. I'm sorry too.

What did you do?

I dropped it by accident. You broke it?

The poor guy. You show up... I'm horrible. I know.

The old fill-in guy.

We get all wound up with jealousy and shit, and we've got everything.

We're shallow with bourgeois problems, as mom says.

And there are people dying in wars.

Marion, don't start again.

The other day I read this article that said... what?

We use more toilet paper than men because we wipe when we pee.

Each time I wipe now I think about it.

About what? All that we destroy.

Non, non, non.

I love you, sister. You're a pain, but I adore you.

Is it your little bunny? No, it's you.

I'm talking to you.

Thank you, sister. You're so dumb!

I'd better go.

And see your guy? I don't know.


Hey. Hey.

I don't know you.

What are you talking about? Are you drunk?

I'm sitting at this fast-food restaurant, and I'm holding hands with this fairy right before he sets the place on fire, you know?

A fairy? Oh, not like... not a gay person.

You know, like from heaven. You know? Or a schizophrenic vegan.

Uh-huh. Maybe. He hated fast food.

I realized something so basic.

I mean, so basic. Mm-hmm.

I don't know you.

You don't know me? No.

To sum up the four hours of discussion that followed, it's not easy being in a relationship, much less to truly know the other one and accept them...

As they are, with all their flaws and baggage.

Marion. You shaved an "m"?

Jack confessed to me his fear of being rejected...

If I truly knew him; If he showed himself totally bare to me.

Jack realized after two years of being with me that he didn't know me at all, nor did I know him.

And to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other, even if it's not so easy to take.

So I told him the truth, which was I'd never cheated on him.

And I also told him that I had just seen mathieu that afternoon.

He did not get mad at me, because nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing for me...

Was to decide to be with someone for good.

Okay. I understand that completely. The idea that this is it, this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, to decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out...

And not run off the minute there is a problem, is very difficult for me.

I told him I could not be for just one man for the rest of my life.

It was a lie, but I said it anyway.

He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel, collecting men like nuts to put away for cold winters.

I thought it was quite funny.

Then he said something that hurt my feelings.

The tone changed drastically.

Then I misunderstood what he was saying.

I thought he meant he didn't love me anymore, and that he wanted to break up. You want to break up with me?

It always fascinates me how people go...

From loving you madly to nothing at all.


It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first...

Before I get to hear the whole thing.

Here it is. One more, one less.

Another wasted love story.

I really loved this one.

When I think that it's over, that I'll never see him again like this... well, yes, I'll bump into him. We'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together.

Then we'll slowly think of each other less and less...

Until we forget each other completely.


Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around.

Meet one guy, then another. Fuck around to forget the one and only.

Then after a few months of total emptiness, start again to look for true love.

Desperately look everywhere, and after two years of loneliness, meet a new love and swear it is the one... until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life...

Where you can't recover anymore from another breakup.

And even if this person bugs you 60% of the time... well, you still can't live without him.

And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face,

well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

♪ Now I'm so much better

♪ and if my words don't come together ♪

♪ listen to the melody

♪ 'cause my love is there hiding ♪

♪ I love you in a place

♪ where there's no space or time ♪

♪ I love you for my life, baby ♪

♪ 'cause you're a friend of mine ♪

♪ and when my life will be over ♪

♪ I wanna dance like we used to ♪

♪ when it was pure when it was new ♪

♪ love me whole like I love you ♪

♪ I wanna be freed but free with you ♪

♪ I wanna dance like we used to ♪

♪ and not worry about you and me ♪

♪ we're gonna die of global warming ♪

♪ or avian flu or quitting smoking ♪

♪ I want to stay for a while

♪ until it's time

♪ to let go

♪ I'd like to really take my time ♪

♪ explore all that comes to mind ♪

♪ I'd like to dance like we used to ♪

♪ before the new world order rules ♪

♪ don't wanna do what others do ♪

♪ let's pretend there's no rules ♪

♪ I wanna dance like we used to ♪

♪ we're so lucky and so spoiled ♪

♪ you and I have such futile jobs ♪

♪ let's stop acting like kings and queens ♪

♪ I want to stay for a while

♪ until it's time

♪ to let go

♪ I'd like to really take my time ♪

♪ explore all that comes to mind ♪

♪ lalalala lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala lalala, lalala ♪

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala ♪