21 Jump Street (2012) Script

facebook.com/sazu489 Hey, Melodie.

Hey. Look, I know we've known each other for a really long time.

And we live across the street from each other and stuff.

And...

I know, like, in four days, I'm sure, if...

You know, prom's, like, in four days... Oh, my God.

You're not asking me to prom, are you?

Fuck, no.

No, I... No, I just...

You're probably going with someone. I'm sorry.

I don't know how to put this nicely.

There's not a nice way to put it.

You're a fucking nerd.

And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.

Look at her. Look at her.

Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. I'll see you later.

Bye. All right, buddy, good talk.

Dude, classic.

Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

Shit. Good luck, bro.

I said loud and clear, if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.

You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.

I should pay who?

You're not going to the prom.

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

But I'm going to be prom king.

I'm glad you had a great time in school.

'Cause you ain't learned nothing.

Fuck! Fuck!

Welcome to the Police Academy.

Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.

Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!

Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.

Oh, fuck!

You're good at this, huh? Yeah, lam.

Thank you.

Such bullshit.

You're really good at this.

Yeah, I am.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.

I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.

Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.

What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Faster. Let's go.

Clear!

Clear!

Come on, come on, come on! Stop.

Yes! Yes!

Let me see. Let me see.

Nice.

Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the graduates of Class 137.

Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.

I am.

I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions, and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

Do you guys really think this is a police matter?

To get your Frisbee back?

Get your own fucking Frisbee.

Shit.

Shit! Shit!

Yours isn't loaded, right?

We're supposed to unload them first, right?

What, you... No.

That's no fun. Come on.

Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."

It's right there.

Don't you... Don't... Don't. Stop it.

Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

You feel like a big shot?

No fucking way.

One Percenters?

These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.

If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.

You see what I see?

Cannabis sativa.

Chaka Khan.

Chaka Khan?

Gentlemen. We having a little party?

Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?

I have glaucoma.

I get nervous in crowds.

Herpes.

Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?

Go ahead. You won't find shit.

- Get up. Célmate, gringo.

Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.

If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.

I know, right? I know.

It's hilarious.

So why don't you show us a little respect?

Fuck you, pig- Hey.

You want me to beat your dick off?

You want to beat my dick off?

I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up'? Let's go.

That's weird, man. I think what he was trying to say was, he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area that your dick's just going to fall off.

Why do you have salt in your...

That's actual drugs. Oh, my God.

Get on the ground! Hey!

Come here now! What do I do?

Chase someone! Chase someone?

Are you leaving your bike here?

Okay. All right.

Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!

No! Get out of the way!

Stop!

I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!

Hey! Come here!

I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!

I got him. I got him.

Freeze! Freeze!

Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!

That's it! Come here!

Freeze! Stop it!

You're a pussy!

You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...

...to suck my dick, motherfucker!

My elbow.

You got nothing. How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?

Hey! Hey! How's it feel? How's it feel now?

That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!

We got one! I got him!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah ! We got an arrest!

Yeah! We got him! Yes!

Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!

What's up?

Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!

That's right. Fuck you, park!

We arrest people now! What up, park?

What's up? What's up'? What up, park? Who wants one?

Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.

Thank you, Cinnamon. Are those new?

The department was forced to drop the charges because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.

What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing you have to do when arresting someone?

I did read him his right... I did a version of that.

Do you even know the Miranda rights? Yes.

Let's hear them, then.

You got a lot of stuff to do.

No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?

We got time.

I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.

Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question, for a total of 57 words.

Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."

I know you've heard this before. And then, I think it sounds something like...

-"You have the right to an attorney." Well, the thing... Yeah, right.

"You have the right to remain an attorney."

Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?

You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.

Where were you?

I was chasing my perp, sir.

And how did that go for you?

Honestly, he did get away, and he threw me down pretty hard.

Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.

Can I see that?

Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.

Wow.

Fortunately for you two, we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s and revamping it for modern times.

You see, the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.

One of these programs involves the use of young, immature-seeming officers.

Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like, a child sex slavery ring or something?

Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.

It's just... I'd prefer not to.

I think you idiots are perfect.

You're officially transferred.

All right. Yeah. That's great.

Where should we report to?

Down on Jump Street.

37 Jump Street.

No, that doesn't sound right.

Is it...

This has got to be a joke.

This is it.

Aroma of Christ Church?

How's it going?

This place is weird.

Everybody comfortable?

Yeah.

Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!

You will be going undercover as high school students.

You are here simply because you look young.

You some Justin Beaver, Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.

Captain Sassy.

I know what you're thinking, "Angry Black Captain."

It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.

Well, guess what, motherfuckers.

I'm black.

And I worked my ass off to be the captain!

And sometimes I get angry.

So suck a dick!

What I'm trying to show you is, embrace your stereotypes.

Like this guy right here. Handsome.

And he's probably a dummy.

And then this guy.

He's short and insecure.

And he's probably good with money.

You are good with money. What the fuck?

Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?

I don't... I actually didn't...

I didn't get a letter or anything.

Yeah, like, a start time... With a dress code or anything like that.

Teenage the fuck up!

Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.

Do not get expelled.

Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.

You get kicked out of school, your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.

Rule number two. Burns.

Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.

You hear that? That's you.

Don't do it, man. Why...

Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Dirty?

Don't fuck no students.

Don't fuck no teachers.

Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady-killers, but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.

Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.

You cherub-looking motherfucker.

I was talking to your partner over here.

Fake-ass Handsome McGee.

When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.

When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"

I'm talking to you. Cool.

Now, you two sons of bitches, in my office now.

Right now!

Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.

So I bought these, which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.

Cheers.

It's a new synthetic drug.

Goes by the street name H.F.S.

Holy fucking shit.

Holy...

They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?

They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.

So you should blend right in.

Jessica, will you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer. It's yes.

I could watch this kid all day.

Man, this kid rules.

Ruled.

His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.

He's dead.

Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.

And as you can see, this kid is white.

That means people actually give a shit.

Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.

Right now, H.F.S. Is contained right there at Sagan High.

Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.

Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.

I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses like photography and drama.

Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.

Find out who's slinging this shit.

Schmidt, says you were a virgin

-through high school. It says that?

No. I just assumed it, due to your many years on the honor roll and your membership to the juggling squad.

It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. it's fine.

They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.

That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.

I enrolled you into honors chemistry.

Here's your new identities, all right?

Brad and Doug McQuaid.

The mission is this.

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

We get to be brothers?

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.

God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

Hey, Korean Jesus.

I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians or if you even exist. No offense.

I just...

I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.

It was just so fucking hard the first time.

I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.

Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up.

I'm sorry for swearing so much.

The end?

I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?

Yeah.

Hey! Hey!

Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!

He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!

With Korean shit.

You two get to your mama house ASAP. What?

You're teenagers now, all right?

You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house for the duration of this assignment.

Fuck me.

This house is adorable.

My baby's home! Come here.

You will always be my infant angel baby child.

There's my QW-

It's great to see you guys.

Hey. Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.

Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?

This is unbelievable. Well, yeah.

I guess I did. It's gorgeous!

So are you.

Honey, listen, I want to tell you, we did blow up the air mattress in your room

'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area, so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.

No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.

Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.

Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?

I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash

-and you guys haven't moved on. Rid of it?

If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.

I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years, but completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.

That is a great picture, Morton.

You look like a young Jay Leno.

Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?

No.

I remember. You know why?

Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.

I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer.

It's literally a medal for sucking.

No, that is a medal for trying. Yes.

Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.

That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.

What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.

I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.

"Undercover." That's so cute.

I'm going upstairs. Okay, honey. I want you to know

-we are so glad you're here. Okay.

That's great. Thank you.

All right. Where is he? He's upstairs.

He just needs to take a little rest, and then he's dying to see you, too.

Bye-bye. I baked muffins!

If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.

You got to study this stuff.

Forget those identities. They're bullshit. They said I was held back a year.

You were. You were held back two years.

Just 'cause it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

Fuck! Socks don't match.

I got to start all over.

It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.

You know, back in the day, you were super popular, and I wasn't as much.

We didn't really get along in high school.

You don't think that's going to happen again, do you'?

No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.

It's definitely not going to happen again.

We're good. Cool.

Beautiful day out there, boys.

Just shut up.

"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

"You have the right to an attorney.

"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."

Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.

Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.

All right, let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

What are you doing?

What? What are you talking about? Are you two-strapping?

My backpack? Yeah. Yeah, I got to be seen with you.

You got to one-strap it.

Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible.

Okay, what makes you the expert?

I was cool in high school, and you weren't.

Okay, that makes sense. Continue.

The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.

One, don't try hard at anything.

Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.

Three, be handsome.

Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face.

Five, drive a kick-ass car.

Shit.

All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers, revving up the engine and shit, okay?

We would never.

Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.

Hey' You ready? Go! '

That was awesome! That was amazing.

Was I flying'? That was amazing.

All right, do mine, do mine.

Okay, ready? Here I go. Yeah, yeah.

You okay?

I think I shit my pants.

Hey, park in that handicapped spot.

It'll make us look cool. That's awesome.

Dude?

Everybody's two-strapping it. Just stay with the one-strap.

I can't. I can't. I can't right now.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't succumb to the peer pressure.

What are you doing? You're supposed to use two straps.

One strap is peer pressure. No. No. You're fucking up right now.

Okay, those are Goths.

Those are nerds.

I don't know what they are.

What the fuck are those things?

I'm so confused right now.

Whoa.

Hi. Hey.

Hey. Good morning.

Hey, yo. HEY-

Is that your car? Yeah.

What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?

No, try, like, seven.

What about you? Biodiesel, dawg.

Smells like egg rolls.

Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.

But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.

Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.

You don't care about the environment? That's kind of fucked up, man.

Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?

I'm trying to study. Thanks.

Look at him. He's trying.

He's actually trying. What a nerd.

Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.

Look at him. Look at the nerd. Who you calling a nerd, man?

I'm sorry. What...

Shit! Shit, dude.

Are you okay, man'? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?

Well, turn that gay-ass music off.

You punched me because I'm gay? What?

No. Come on.

That's not cool, man.

That is really insensitive.

I didn't punch him because he's gay.

I punched him, and then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.

I was gay when you punched me! In a weird way, it might have been homophobic not to punch you

-just because you were gay. Right.

You punched a little gay black kid in the face, and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...

Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?

A kid died the other day from drugs, and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.

That's weird, guys.

And then you two show up, with 30 days left, causing trouble in my school.

I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?

You guys cross my line again, and you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you. You got me?

All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?

Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.

Which one of you is named Doug?

No, dude, I'm Brad. Okay, good.

So that means your name is Doug, son.

Yeah, I'm Doug. Great.

Here are your class schedules.

Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.

I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.

Thank you.

Now we have the wrong identities, you dumb-ass.

I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing.

Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?

I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks.

AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't, because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!

It's going to be fine. You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.

Okay, now, chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

Fuck.

So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.

Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.

When I was a young actorjust starting out in New York state, Albany, to be exact, I booked a local television commercial... Hey.

...In which I had to play a young man...

It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.

So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?

No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

I was just busting your balls.

Okay. Good.

I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse, and we were having so much fun.

And then I realized that she was dead.

I remember one summer...

Do kids still do this stuff?

Even after what happened to him?

Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.

Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it's not my thing.

It's not really my thing, either, but a buddy of mine really wants it.

Who would he call if he wanted it?

Well, you can tell your friend that if he really wanted it, it's not so hard to find.

When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.

Drugs are bad.

But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."

New person. Mr. Texty Texty.

Since you have so much to say to Molly, let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.

You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.

I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something Doug, you never won't know what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.

My point is, you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.

Yeah, sure.

My favorite molecule is water.

I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm.

It allowed life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash our cars.

H2O.

H2O. H2O.

H20 It's okay. Thank you.

Thank you, Zack. So good.

All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?

Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.

A what?

I'm sorry.

What is your name? Brad?

Brad. Yes, ma'am. Wow. Look at you, Brad. Big.

What is a pop Quiznos?

It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.

Today's quiz is on... You look really old.

Were you held back or something or... No. You look super young.

Were you held forward?

I went to school in France, so And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there. It's so lame.

French, the language of love.

That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.

Hey.

Good luck.

I've gotta crow I'm just the cleverest...

Okay.

Maybe try one cooler.

And faster.

And louder. And better.

And less insecure and more just cool.

Okay, yeah, those are great notes.

I'm going to run outside, and I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.

It's such bullshit.

Wow. You're fast.

Not like that. Just, let me check you out.

Let me check out your chest.

Check out your test... Let me...

Let me grade your quiz.

Can I go take a dump?

Yeah, okay. That's cool.

We have this "hurry back" rule, so if you're not back in six minutes, I have to send you to the principal.

Rules are rules, so, I guess this will have to be a quickie.

Which way is yearbook? I don't know.

Is it this way? I don't know!

Yo. Hey.

YOU guys, huh?

That was a total mix-up, what happened earlier.

Yeah. He feels awful. He feels...

Totally, very nervous.

You're the dealer?

You're the dealer guy? Is that you?

Yep.

So do you make the stuff or...

Do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.

Yeah, he just sells it. Come on Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I meant I just... How many you guys want?

20 bucks a pop.

One each? One pop each of drugs.

You guys aren't narcs, are you?

Whoa!

Dude, come on. No! Maybe you're a narc.

You know who calls people narcs?

Narcs, narc.

First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself, because if you call us narcs, if narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...

-'Cause you just said that. They call people...

Look, I don't have time for this shit. You guys want to do this or not?

Jesus. Yes.

Yes, yes. No problem.

All right, take it here so I know you're cool.

I'm sorry. What?

We were going to take it home. I gotta go back to class, -is the only thing. I was thinking that I was going to go home, maybe turn down the lights, getting snuggy, get a little weird.

I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.

Okay, I'm not asking. Take it now or get the fuck out.

I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.

Yeah?

Yeah, no, it's all good.

I love doing drugs at school. I'll just take the drugs right here, in our mouths.

There you go. That's it.

What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?

Have fun.

You got to pull the trigger! Okay.

You got to pull the trigger!

We got to throw up, man. I can't.

We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.

Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.

You fucking think of something. Okay, all right, all right.

Your grandma's vagina, and there's a dick going into it.

What the fuck are you saying? I don't know! I'm just trying!

I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! Fuck! Come on, man!

Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.

No! Yeah.

No, you're not fingering my mouth.

Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? Okay, fine!

Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!

What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot?

Just stick it in! I don't know. I've never done this before!

Just stick it in! Go!

Cut your fucking fingernails!

Oh, God!

Is it me?

I'm sorry.

I just can't sometimes.

Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.

Me, neither.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got a pass for running around the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?

Pass, in your hand.

Hello.

Damn. You guys are late.

Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.

No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. Come on, please.

You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.

When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?

You look like you're in your mid-20s, for crying out loud.

McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.

I read your file.

You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.

What the hell was that? God damn it, son!

Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?

I consider that a threat.

I was just saying that I'm Doug.

I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.

That's Brad.

You're the new kid who's All County in track?

Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid, the track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.

He's really fast.

Is this funny to you guys?

So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.

You're Doug. You're Doug.

Here's the deal.

My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.

I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off at how spastic they are, but I am the coach, so I need you.

I need me some Doug McQuaid.

Understand?

I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.

You do that, and I'll sign this pass.

Don't blow on me, son.

I haven't trained.

Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.

Do we have a deal?

Yes.

Nice.

I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it What are you doing? Stop it.

Actually, that's not bad.

All right, here you go.

Are you guys on drugs?

Okay.

One particle of Unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.

Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.

Fuck you, science!

All right, all right, we're good.

We're good. We're good, man. We're good.

We're good, baby.

Good work. Hit that shit.

I've gotta crow I'm just the cleverest fellow

'Twas ever my fortune to know I taught a trick to my shadow To stick to the tip of my toe I've gotta crow I've gotta Crow!

Christoph, did you feel that?

Who are you?

Welcome aboard, Peter.

No, keep it going!

Keep it going. That was so tight!

No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.

All right, let's go, McQuaid!

All right! Yeah!

I like it! I like the confidence, son!

I know y'all seen this shit before.

I know you've seen this shit before.

Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.

You're looking amped!

Here we go.

Here we go! Here we go!

Hey, pick it up!

Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?

What are you doing? Pick it...

What? McQuaid!

Don't throw the baton, you jackass!

Come on!

McQuaid!

Run that way!

Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!

Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!

Let's go! Come on!

Oh, my God.

No, no.

No, stop.

Come here. Come here.

Don't make a...

That is a baton penis.

Speak of the devil!

Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.

Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.

That's just what I do.

Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?

I don't get this school.

That was awesome.

Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.

It's awesome. You're really going to like it.

All yarn work was done by Jenko.

Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular.

They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone that they're cool, and they're not cool.

It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.

Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.

Sick chicks, killer steeze.

Did the AIDS run this year.

He's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.

Who put this together'? Are you autistic?

It is artistic, sir, because the thing is, -the yarn actually indicates... We're compiling a list of suspicious types at school. The users are here.

This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.

Cut the bullshit!

I want to know who's the supplier.

We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.

That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

Simple.

Sounds like you guys really cracked the whole case.

Great job. You guys are on fire So proud. Like you could do any better?

We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.

What? Meanwhile, you two were standing around finger-popping each other's assholes.

We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.

What we're doing is getting shit done.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.

Password! Open the door!

You have to say the password. I'm sorry. What?

What are you...

Geez.

What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?

Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.

Bakugan? You dealing drugs?

Let me see. You dealing drugs? No.

It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.

See? They open up. Battle Brawlers.

You're not doing anything illegal? No.

What are you doing in here? I'm here to study.

Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...

You're behind. I'm ahead.

I know everything. Really'?

What's a covalent bond?

Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.

I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry I just... I don't think you know everything.

I know everything.

Okay.

What kind of bullshit do they say about a covalent bond in this school?

They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.

It helps them to stick together.

I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.

What are you doing with all those phones anyway?

I crack and jailbreak kids' phones to try and save for college.

You know, I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.

Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?

No, no, I can't install a spyvvare to remotely monitor calls or anything that the mic picks up.

I can't do that at all. Wait, you can't do it?

No, I can't.

Is he being sarcastic? I don't know.

So you can.

Liking comic books is popular.

Environmental awareness, being tolerant.

If I was just born 10 years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.

I know. It's bullshit.

You know what?

I totally know the cause.

Glee. Fuck you, Glee.

Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.

I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.

We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.

You saying we should throw a party?

I'll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric, and that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.

Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?

I think it would be better if you get in with the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.

That'd be the best thing for the case.

Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.

Hello? Hey. Is this Molly?

Speaking.

Hey. It's Schmidt.

It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.

Hey, man.

It's so weird that you're calling me.

I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.

I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together, -and. . . - Hello ?

Mom, get off the phone!

Sorry, Do!-IQ, -my teen son. Mom!

I love you, honey, Dougie, Doug, Douglas McQuaid.

Mom, so serious right now! Stop!

I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.

She just, like, smothers me with affection and makes me feel like I'm five years old.

Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.

Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.

There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.

The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.

I didn't, though, just to be clear.

Yeah, because you already had one.

Exactly. I already had one.

And you don't need two vaginae. You just don't.

Although you could use one as a coin purse.

I never got any stuffed animals growing up.

Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.

My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.

I'm just fucking with you.

That is a weird joke.

I thought your dad abandoned your family.

No, he did walk out on us, though.

But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.

Just broken dreams.

Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say well, that there are some good guys out there, and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience taint your memory.

Oh, my God.

Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.

No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

Normal transition here.

Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!

You and Eric and Juario, whatever.

Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?

Okay. Yeah, yeah!

I should call you back.

Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.

-5ye-bye. B ye_ Bye.

What the fuck are you...

Are y'all throwing a party?

What? There's rumors in the Twittersphere.

And if any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they'll find theyself in prison with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth and me shitting down that snorkel.

That's extremely vivid. Thank you.

You're the best. You are the best.

Oh, my God. We love you.

Enjoy the vineyard. You boys be good, now.

Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.

Bye!

"We love you"? What are you doing'? Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?

I'm in character. Shut up. It's weird.

Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.

Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?

Dude, I don't have a fake ID.

How are we going to get drugs for the party?

Oh, no.

We got a pound of coke.

We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Pound of marijuana?

Best party ever. Boo-yah!

To a brilliant idea from my brilliant brother that I love so very much.

And this is going to fucking rock.

Cheers, man. Cheers.

Who invited you guys? I did!

The party's here!

What's up, Zack? Hey, buddy.

What's up, Roman?

This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.

Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.

Do we have enough chips?

Is this playlist too dance-y?

Feels too dance-y. Too dance-y?

What are you talking about? I don't know, it just feels dance-y.

What are you doing?

That's my mom's Kokopelli vase. I got it, I got it.

Doug, Doug, hey!

Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.

Such a bad joke.

Terrible, terrible.

You guys know each other, right? Yeah.

Get ready, get ready, there's Eric. Wait for the signal.

And then you come in here looking like a rock-solid 10.

What?

What's up, man, how you doing?

Eco Suave.

Whoa.

Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.

Very Native American.

Yeah, our parents are actually

-really into Native American... Let's rock and roll.

Sorry. What are y'all doing?

Come on. Did you guys even see Eric?

Seriously, did you not see Eric?

No offense, man, but your brother sucks.

Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.

Man, let's bounce. We're out of here, man.

No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here you just got here.

Come on, let me at least give you a tour.

Okay, boys, come on, we did it, we can do this, just go, just go as fast as you possibly can.

Taking out the SIM card.

Taking down Eric with the SIM card information Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.

Are you drunk? No.

Have you even been drunk before?

No, but... Give me this.

What? Can we get some bitches up in here?

'Cause it's just boys right now.

No, you can't get any bitches up here.

This is my parents' bedroom.

What the fuck, bro? Some privacy! Shit, shit, shit!

And that is a really gross three-way.

But what was the girl in the back doing?

Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.

Cool, yeah.

Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality, but we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?

Dude, tell me about it.

Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.

It's extracting right now.

Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?

Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."

Shit! It's a bust.

Keep it casual. Yeah.

Go with the flow, dude. Cool, man.

I don't like to make plans or whatever. You got it.

Thank you again, though, man. All right.

Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?

Hey, why you here, Scott?

What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?

No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.

Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.

Got other commitments on that front, so, you know...

I wasn't asking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.

Yeah? You sure? I got this one.

Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.

Don't worry about who I am. I'm worried about it.

Why? -'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.

This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg, and you're coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop, metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew, and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"

It's that kind of party? Yeah, dude.

Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?

No, it's getting real. It's getting very real.

Yeah. It's like seven strangers living in one house. True story.

You want Real World? Yeah, let's do it, man.

Come on. What's your Real... Here's Real World.

What was that? Did you hear that?

Real enough for you?

Schmidt. Doug.

What do I do? Hit him!

Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!

Fight normal.

Yo, I'm serious.

Sorry.

I'll fucking kill you! I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!

Seriously, use your words, use your words!

I kicked him in the nuts.

Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!

No, watch my mom's shit, man!

I'm gonna fucking kill you! You'll knock over my mom's vase!

Fuck your mom's vase! Fuck this!

Oh, shit!

Yeah!

That's my brother!

That was insane! You're so cool!

Did you see that shit? That was crazy.

Oh, shit.

When did I get stabbed?

That's awesome.

Yeah!

Is that a cop?

Where?

No, it's not. Here.

I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.

I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.

Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.

It's like we're living with a narc.

The boy is an angel.

Pull it out!

Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!

Sorry!

Okay, let's take some shots.

Shots, shots!

That's like us fucking Mother Earth without a condom.


What the fuck is going on?

Annie, hang on.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!

I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!

The mom is coming!

Listen to me! Chill out! Chill out!

Let go of me! You're embarrassing me

-in front of my friends! Get back here, you shit!

Dude, that was so crazy, man.

I swear, best party I've been to in years.

Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that, -like, all the time, man. I bet you are.

Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!

You, dude, I like you, man.

How do you feel about making a little extra money?

Whatever it is, I'm in.

All right, here's the deal.

Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like.

Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing, I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?

Cool with me. My man.

That is my man...

That was nuts. I lost you guys.

Hey, thank you again for the party, man.

Yo, yo.

Come on!

"I love dick"?

You think that's funny?

"Wonder Years douche"?

What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into an 8-year-old's mouth?

It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.

You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?

I know all about dick and balls!

I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!

You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.

You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it, you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...

Dude, I have a surprise for you.

Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it, so we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.

Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.

What?

What if you had gotten found out? But it worked.

This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled, so, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?

I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad you have something to do.

Good.

What's up?

Great job, Schmidt

Password! Kneel before Zod!

You may enter.

Thank you, Zod.

Let's tap that wire, huh?

We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.

We were going to test what blows up.

There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right'?

Not that I can think of that would make sense.

Go for it, go for it.

Look out. Go, go, go!

Yes!

Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about!

I love this science shit!

This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.

Are you texting Molly?

What?

I don't... Molly...

Maybe. Is that...

Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.

I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.

I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.

I just, like... I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?

Ja feel, ja definitely feel.

Yeah. Schmidty?

Schmidty.

Phyllis.

I'll be right back, dude. Okay.

Hey. How are you?

How is my favorite police officer? Okay.

Your mother told me that you are undercover.

Listen, now is not a really good time.

Are you undercover right now?

Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.

Are those the bad guys over there?

Do they have guns? Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.

I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.

I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.

Where is my phone? Okay, okay.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth, you understand me?

Let's go check this out.

I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.

There is no... A straight-up face punch.

I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.

Hey, yo. That is...

Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!

What? You tried to grab his... She tried to grab myjunk.

She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis, "it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."

I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"

She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?

And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second, so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.

All right, cool, let's get the...

So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever?

Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.

Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.

You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.

Right?

This place is awesome. Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

How's it going?

Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.

Sorry. I'm happy to see you.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

H6Y- HeY-

Good?

All right, come on. Yeah, let's...

I brought tacos, so that's cool.

Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!

Hey, boys, this eco-pussy is going down today.

Take down eco-pussy Take down eco-pussy!

Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying And when it rains It means that beautiful bitch is crying It's really not a planet. It's for sure a planet.

Pluto is a planet.

It's ready! It used to be a planet.

It's ready. Not any more.

Reduce, reuse Recycle I'm embarrassed.

I always feel exposed after playing. Do not feel exposed.

I got to use the bathroom.

Is it in there? Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.

All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.

The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.

What are you doing?

I heard something.

Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.

Okay.

I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful with whatever it is that you're getting involved in.

Yeah, I promise we will.

It would just suck if something bad happened, because you're a good guy.

Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you, except girl version.

You're a girl.

I am. Yeah.

That's why I put this dress on, -to remind you. Exactly.

Are you excited about the play? Yes.

Yeah, you were just

-right in there with excitement. Yes.

No hesitash. I'm very excited.

Yeah.

Does that make me a super nerd?

No, not at all.

We get to act together:

What a vagina. He has no chance with her.

So...

Shit. Sorry.

You're on the prom committee.

Do you think it's going to be fun?

Did shejust bring up prom on her own?

She did, she just brought up prom. What is she doing?

I think it's going to be awesome.

Prom eats a dong. Multiple dongs.

All right, anyone who says they don't care about prom actually secretly does.

Who we gonna take to the prom? No one's going to prom with us.

Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.

You got fine-ass honeys with you.

You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.

Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.

Doves. Why doves?

'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.

I am pretty skeptical, but maybe, if someone fun asked me, I would go.

Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...

Wouldn't you and Eric go together?

Not that I know of.

Would you...

He's going to choke.

He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.

So would...

So would...

Would you...

Mayb...

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Yeah.

That is the actual sound of choking.

I was wondering if you...

Would you maybe want to go with me to prom?

Would you want to go to me... Maybe with me to prom?

Yes.

I would love to go to prom with you.

What? She just said yes!

Whoa. Wow.

Good for you, Doug.

Thank you for asking.

Put her there, man.

Just put... Put it right there.

I'm putting it right there.

Yeah. There you guys are.

What's up, my man?

Hi. How you doing?

Whazzup? Yeah.

Doug... Okay, settle an argument.

You and your brother aren't related, right?

'Cause you look totally different.

He's adopted.

We all suspect from a very lame family.

Where is he tonight?

Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. I don't know.

You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?

That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.

Your brother's kind of a dick.

Well, yeah.

He kind of is, isn't he?

Don't listen to that.

I don't give a fuck.

Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.

How are you? Guess what, I don't care.

We just closed our third high school operation.

And check what we found at Kennedy.

Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.

Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.

You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!

We are running out of time!

You either find the supplier, or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!

I totally understand where you're coming from, sir, but, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday with somebody that sounded very suspect about meeting up with a stuffed pifiata.

Is that a code for sex?

Pifiata? Really? Yep.

Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?

While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.

I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a pifiata.

That's all you heard?

Yep.

I am so nervous.

We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.

I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.

Serious question, though.

How do I look?

Ravishing.

Is it too sexy of an outfit?

Bend the knee a little bit.

Yep, it is.

It's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.

I am so happy that I met you.

You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.

Yep. That's me.

Doug.

Potassium nitrate.

Don't hate. It's great.

It can act as an oxidizer.

I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.

It has a crystalline structure.

If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.

It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.

K-NO-three, don't give no grief.

It can be used to make corned beef.

It's also known as saltpeter.

Brad? Shit.

Where are you going?

I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.

Right. Doug! Hi.

Brad!

Whoa. What are you wearing?

Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.

I need to borrow you.

Now's not a good time, Brad.

It's a really good time.

'Cause my pifiata is killing me.

Is that code for a sex thing?

It's leaving the parking lot.

Pifiata?

Molly.

I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something, okay?

I just need to help Brad with something real quick.

What? No. What? I promise you...

Do you understand how soon the show is starting?

I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.

I swear. I swear to you. Tell me you understand how soon...

What? Are you kidding me?

What did I say? What did I say?

See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?

Shit.

Fuck!

You told me not to worry about the tickets!

I thought they made us look cool.

Cones, cones... Driver's ed car.

I'm driving. No, you're not.

I never get to drive. I'm driving this time. Fine! Drive!

Hey, guys. Just borrowing this for one sec.

Sure. Go. Go, go, go, go.

Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.

Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?

Holy fucking shit. No fucking way.

Those are the guys from the park.

That's just too crazy.

What do you think's in that thing?

I don't know, money, drugs.

They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.

If it's good, you'll hear from me.

If it's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how it's not good.

Makes sense.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, no worries, man.

I'll see you guys.

We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.

Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down!

What are you doing? If they see us, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

What? No! Yes. Stop.

You pretend like you're sucking my dick.

No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

Why am I automatically blowing you?

'Cause you're in a fucking Peter Pan costume!

Okay.

Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go. Okay, fine, we'll follow them.

But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.

Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?

Yeah, you're following too close, dude.

They're going to make us. Well, if I go too far back, it's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.

God, just let me do my thing.

I know what I'm doing.

Seriously, if you do that again, I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.

Just stay back.

I could not be more serious. Take your foot off the brake.

No. I'm not... No. Take your foot off the brake!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Look what you did! Look what you did!

What the fuck? You non-driving motherfuckers!

Get the fuck out of the car!

Oh, fuck. Lock the door! Lock the door!

What do I do? Go away!

What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?

Get him out of that car!

No, no! It's fucking ZZ Top!

No, no! No, no, no! It's fucking ZZ Top!

Like an angry walrus!

I stomp the car now! Oh, my God!

Stomp! Stomp! Oh, shit.

Okay. Okay. Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Just let me drive! Stop hitting me!

Dude, watch out!

Will you stop front-seat driving? Get your hands off the wheel!

Man, you just hit two people back there!

You stop. I'm not... Take your hands off. Shit!

We're stuck in traffic! Oh, shit.

Shit, they're coming! They're coming! What?

Oh, my God, dude.

What do we do?

What the... What the...

Oh, Shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What's wrong with you? Run!

I can't! I'm wearing tights!

I got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!

They're going to make us, or kill us.

Porsche! Porsche! Police! Get out of the car, douche!

I'm on a call here, jackass.

That's right. Go to sleep, bitch. You just got head-butted, motherfucker!

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Shit.

Check around for a gun or something, all right?

Where? Where? There's no glove compartment in this shitty-ass car! There's golf balls and this.

What am I supposed to do with this? I don't know, man!

I've never been in a freeway chase before!

Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!

What happened? I don't know.

It just didn't explode. That's weird.

Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?

French! You're not my first choice, but I need you to go on as Peter.

Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.

Great. Nobody cares.

Come on! Another traffic jam?

I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report

-before we got in a car chase! Let's go! Come on!

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! Shit!

Are you texting? No, I'm not texting!

Yes, you are! You're texting! No, I'm not!

Okay, almost done.

IILOL.ll

I'm driving!

Why do you always jump over the car like that?

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Hi. God damn, you are beautiful.

Oh. Hi. You are fine as shit.

Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.

Wow. Hurry. Just drive.

Wait. Pick me up?

They're coming! They're coming! I got an idea.

Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us?

Oh, shit!

He's got a gun!

I'm going to throw this thing at him!

Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!

Just throw it! Okay! Okay, okay!

It's going to explode! Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!

What the fuck is that going to do? Roll it up!

I don't fucking care! Just do it! Oh, God!

I really thought that one was going to explode.

Oh, shit!

Look in the glove compartment for a gun.

What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!

I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!

What the hell?

Shoot. Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Take the shot!

Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!

Shit, shit, Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shoot! Shoot! Shit, shit...

That's what exploded? Holy shit. That was crazy.

Why did you shoot for me?

You weren't shooting, you were choking, -so I had to save us. I was going to shoot.

You always do this, every single time. What?

Seriously, just take me back to school, man.

If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out and she's not going to go to prom with me.

Are you fucking serious right now? Fuck, yes, I'm serious!

Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.

I'm selfish? Yes, you're selfish!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look at yourself!

You're in too deep, man.

Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!

I don't know how long this case is going to last.

And Eric's going to get into Berkeley, and, honestly, I can get in, too.

Who knows? I could ride this thing out. I could be a doctor or something.

Have you lost your fucking mind?

You screwed this investigation all up.

At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.

You are a very silly man indeed.

Boys, squaws, come quickly.

Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.

I know I missed the first few scenes.

I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels

-for ably backing me up. Fuck you, Doug! What?

I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?

This is my twin. We're together in...

Get the fuck out of here.

What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?

What is this?

I don't know, but it's already more exciting.

You're embarrassing me.

It's okay. I'll make it up to you.

And... Let's fly!

Such bullshit! Get off of me!

I'm not dumb! I'm smart!

You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!

Go, Doug! I guess I should do something.

I should probably not just stand here watching.

I should take action.

Worst best friend ever!

M°IIY, I'm sorry!

I don't want to talk to you ever again.

I'm sorry.

You stupid idiot!

Come here! Come on!

Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?

I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!

Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!

Hey, guys, no!

I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!

Principal Dadier sucks dick!

You're supposed to be my friend!

Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.

And that's the end of Act Two.

Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?

Nope.

I'm gonna just fire you.


Moving out?

Yep.

You know what's crazy to me is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.

I would've tooken a bullet for you.

Get in now. Both of you.

Why should I?

Just get in the car, man.

Get in the fucking car.

Nope, not until you ask nicely.

Please get in the car.

Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.

Some messed up shit went down yesterday.

Yeah, after we made the exchange, our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops.

That's insane, man.

Are you serious?

Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!

You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?

It rhymes with "grape"!

It rhymes with "grape."

I can't let that happen.

So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.

Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. Whoa. Come on. Whoa.

Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.

You ever use one?

We're not really gun people, man. No. No?

A lot of things have made me wonder about you.

Come on.

Your taste in music The fact that you look like a fucking 40-year-old man.

Then after that shit at the play, I realized

there's no way you guys could be cops.

Yeah, I got this deal going down. The supplier's going to be there.

I need people I can trust.

All right. All right, come on.

Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.

We're going to practice, okay? Okay.

That was... That was actually really fuckin' awesome.

Beginner's luck.

All right.

The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.

All right, there's going to be all these heavies there, but as long as you guys have my back...

Yeah? Yeah? Shit.

I always got your back.

Time to get our jobs back.

Let's get ready for prom.

Schmidty! Chore time!

Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!

If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!

Mom!

Fuck this thing.

Here.

It'll be quicker if I help.

There you go.

Thanks.

Your shotgun's hanging too low.

They're gonna see it.

Thanks.

Jenko...

Will you go to prom with me?

I guess.

Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?

I got some contacts that'll help us.


Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.

What if the principal sees you?

This is wrong, yet so right. What?

I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.

You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.

Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.

Stay! Stay. Stop.

What? Stay.

Go! "Okay Stay. Stop. Stop-

I'm lost without you. What?

Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.

You are so hot!

All right.

Hey, pumpkin head.

I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.

Are you on that shit? So what if I am?

Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down, and I don't want you to get hurt.

I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.

You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to get out of here right now.

Making a lot of hand gestures!

Okay, my name's not Doug.

It's Schmidt. What?

And I'm a cop. What?

Okay, and I care about you, and I don't want you to get busted, so you have to leave right now.

Leave the prom right now, Molly.

I'm serious. Hey. Hey.

Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.

What are you? Come on. Hey, come on.

Supplier's waiting. Is that Eric?

Molly, leave right now. What are you...

Just leave right now! What is this?

Mr. Walters?

Hey!

Beautiful Brad, and his brother.

Wow. You look great.

You're the supplier? You're a teacher.

And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.

Could barely pay my alimony. What are you gonna do?

Oh, yeah.

You boys are so good at this.

Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!

Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.

I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap from the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets, and it was muy deliciosol Then one day I catch Eco Butt-munch over here smoking a J.J. behind the field house, and I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"

What a green penis that guy is, huh?

There's my quesadilla.

I hurt my hands!

Bitch.

Oh, shit.

You guys look crazy scary.

How many of you are there?

A lot.

Karl.

Patch looks pimp, man.

Thank you.

He's gonna recognize us, man.

I'm freaking out.

This is Walters, he made the stuff.

Real pleasure to meet you. Fuck what his name is.

Your shit's good.

Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

What, you having a party now?

Who are these two motherfuckers?

Fuck!

Hey. Hey. How's it going?

Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...

Are they? Yeah.

I don't like strangers.

How do you ever expect to make any new friends with that attitude?

It's, like, everyone's a stranger till you give them a chance, man.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I don't even...

Just fuckin' around.

Do your thing, man. Proceed Hey, kid, come here.

You, you look familiar.

Me? Yeah.

I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid, so people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you," but I don't think we've ever met before.

Do I look like I eat French fries?

I don't know, you look like you're in great shape, but maybe you have, like, one cheat day, like a carb blowout, you know'? I don't know.

Nah.

Yeah, the theme song was, like...

Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium Where friendship and French fries Go hand in hand

That's my quesadilla!

Who wants a piece? Huh?

I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!

You lied to me!

I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!

Hey, you guys, shejust called me a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.

Dickhead narc motherfucker!

Did shejust say "nickhead dark motherfucker"?

That's just racist.

I know these two.

Your boys are cops! They're cops!

Police! Get on the ground!

You get on the fuckin' ground!

We asked you first! I don't give a damn!

You're fucking cops?

But we partied together, man.

You bought us Taco Bell.

Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.

You made me this friendship bracelet.

Well, he's not really your friend. He was pretending the whole time.

I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?

What the fuck is going on?

Shut this kid up!

Him, too. No, no! Hey, wait!

No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!

I didn't know these guys were cops!

I'm getting out of here.

I fucking hate you!

Get that out of my face!

Molly! Oh, there you are!

What the fuck!

Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!

Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?

I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right? I've never done this shit before.

Well, you're fucking up.

Drop the guns or she's dead! She looks dead already.

What? No.

Jesus.

Yeah, I can hear her breathing.

She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.

Drop the guns or...

All right, all right, just chill out.

We're gonna drop our guns.

You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?

Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.

D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.

Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.

You're a liar, and you're mean!

That's unfair. We're all friends here.

Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.

Yeah, let's do that. Y'all boys are stupid.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.

God damn it!

Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!

What the fuck?

Now! Fuck!

Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!

Put them down.

Nice! Yes!

Shut the fuck up!

You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.

We had no idea.

You're, like, an amazing actor, man.

You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

Tough titty. I fucked her, too.

What?

You little turds.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?

Do you see this nose?

That is a fake nose.

Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for, like, months on end'? Glue and shit?

Worse things in the world.

We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.

Hey, actually, I just said that

-to mess with you. What?

Looks tough.

Look, we know what it's like being undercover.

Metro Police, Jump Street Division.

Come on, you guys are Jump Street?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

What? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

Oh, my God, dude!

Get them!

Motherfucker!

Shoot them!

Fuck that.

That was a gun.

Somebody definitely got shot.

All right.

Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.

Did I hit anything?

You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.

Doug.

I know sometimes I was a jerk to you when we were undercover.

It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.

All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants, was just so that people would think I'm cool.

The only approval that I ever needed

was my best friend.

Thanks, man.

The money's gone!

Come on, let's roll.

We gotta get out of here, man.

Are you telling me it's on?

Let's do this. Let's make a baby.

What? What are you talking about? I don't know.

I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.


That was crazy! You killed a guy!

Oh, fuckin' shit!

Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!


Go, go: go'

Where'd they go?

Molly!

Shit!

You want to drive? Yeah, I do, actually Okay, cool.

Nice! Did it look cool when I did it?

That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

How you guys doing back there, huh?

God, I love high school!

Best prom night ever!

Shoot them! Stay on them!

I'm on them! I'm on them!

Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.

Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? Did she pass out back there?

Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?

Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!

All right, one second!

Just shoot someone, you bitch!

Peek-a-boo!

Give me my money!

Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!

I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!

I'm gonna get the party started!

I'm gonna get the party started! No! No! Lisa, no!

Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!

What?

You're killing my dream! Come in.

What? I'm trying to party. Down!

Bitch!

What? Fuck!

I'll kill you!

Kill you!

No! No! Stay where you are.

Go! Go, go!

No! Stop!

I'm not fucking kidding! Look, I'm trying to shoot people!

Will you stop! Just for two seconds!

You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome, but I got to shoot people right now!

You think I'm hot?

Iwanna... Oh, my God!

Wait, guys! Call me!

Let me know where you're ending up later.

I'm almost out of ammo.

We're fucked.

Give me my money!

I got an idea.

You still got those shotgun shells? Yeah.

Pop Quiznos.

What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?

That would be a covalent bond, brother.

That's when two atoms, they share electrons.

You see, they both need what the other one has.

That makes them stick together.

Are you saying we're covalent bonds?

What? No.

We're not atoms, dude.

What's this? Tequila?

I don't know, it was supposed to explode.

Oh, shit!

Where'd you learn how to do that, man?

App chemistry, bitch.

Come on, blondie.

Molly!

Drop your weapon!

Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.

Don't.

Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!

Come on! Get out here!

What? What's going on? All right.

All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.

Do you understand? Nobody move!

All right. Eric, help me.

Don't you have a gun?

All right, don't move!

Come on, let's go. Let's go. No!

Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, no, no, I said don't move!

Oh, fuck, you shot him! Oh, God!

Are you okay?

You shot my partner, you motherfucker!

I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!

Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.

Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.

Didn't you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right?

Eric, you heard me!

I said don't move! Eric, help me!

You got this. Hey, hold still.

Freeze!

Shoot!

Come on.

You peaked in high school, motherfucker.

Oh, shit.

I shot him in the dick.

You shot me in the dick!

Oh, my God!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You are under arrest!

It definitely came out my asshole! You have the right to remain silent!

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!

You have the right to an attorney!

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Fuck you! Bitch!

Yes! Yes!

We did it, man!

We did it.

God, I feel so good.

We did it, man!

You're a goddamn rock star.

Do you feel that?

God damn, you're so cool.

You just shot him in the dick.

I've never seen that. Who does that?

Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.

I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.

You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful, and you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...

And I fuckin' cherish you.

Should we high-five?

My hand!

Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?

Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. Hey, call somebody!

I got to get my dick sewn back on.

You shut the fuck up. Hey, you shut up.

That's not funny. Is that it?

What?

That's my dick!

Pick up my dick! Please!

No, we're not picking up your dick.

Fuckin' pick my dick up!

Oh, fuck!

He's my friend.

They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.

Hey.

Molly...

I'm really sorry.

I know you wanted a guy to trust, and I wanted to be that person so badly.

And I let you down in a lot of ways.

And...

It's good that you're mad at me.

I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys, because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.

And you should never settle for less than that.

There are good guys out there who aren't assholes like me.

Thanks for saving my life, asshole.

Put her there, partner.

I'll come back later.

We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.

It's crazy.

Number one or two? Three.

Sam Jackson one. Yeah! Sam Jackson style.

Boom, motherfuckers! What's going on'? Come on!

Where is he? There's my guy!

There he is! That's him. That's him.

Enough. Too long on the hug.

Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherfuckers.

You got your first arrest, huh?

Look. Got something made for you. You didn't!

Come on. All right, all right. Enough. Enough.

New assignment.

Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

Oh, I love Disneyland!

You two sons of bitches are going to college!

"Yes! No!


Boo-yah!


Oh, my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!

Oh, fuck!


Hey, why are you here, Scott?

What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?