None of that ever happened. Ever.
(UP-TEMPO ROCK SONG PLAYS)
(MUSIC PLAYS OVER DIALOGUE)
MAN: God, dude, this campus is awesome!
This is friggin' awesome. Are you looking at this shit?
This is beautiful.
Do you go to school here?
No, I don't go to school here. I'm too dumb.
But my best friend from high school goes here.
Yeah, it's his 21st birthday and me and my friend are going to surprise him.
Whoa. Foaming. Uh...
Wait, is that a beer? What? No. What are you talking about?
Honestly, man, I'm just so psyched to see my friends, man.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, here's the train station.
Yeah, dude, that's him on the corner.
Yeah, can you just honk your horn a little bit?
(HORN HONKING) Yeah, thanks, man.
Hey, you fucking Jew, get in the cab!
(LAUGHS) Dude, he is such a fucking tool. What is he wearing?
I love him, but, like, he does dress like a fucking tool.
Miller! What's up, man? Yo, what's up?
Come on, bring it in, baby. How you doing?
Dude, how you fucking doing, dude? Good.
You look fat. What?
Yeah. I mean, I've had midterms.
I've been stress eating a little bit. A little bit?
A little bit. Dude, stop talking about your weight.
How's Stanford? Good? Stanford's great. Honestly.
Actually, yeah, how's Hakakiqua State?
It's good, dude, I'm killing it. Yeah. Yeah? Kill it! Good.
Dude, how's your family? And your sister?
How's your sister? My sister? Why are you...?
What? No reason. I'm just checking in.
You don't have to check in. She's my sister.
She's 16 years old now.
OK, yeah, she's 16, but in real life she's, like, 18.
No, in real life she's 16. That's the whole thing.
And her Facebook photos are fucking awesome.
Is that Cancun, where does she...? (SIGHS)
You know, there's always this moment right before I see you, where I'm like, "Why haven't I seen Miller in so long? It's ridiculous."
"We should keep in better touch." And then I see you and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that's right, he's a fucking idiot."
I'm just kidding, man, come on.
What if I said that about your sister?
What if I was like, "I wanna fuck Danielle." What would you say?
Dude, honestly, I would love for you to fuck my sister.
Really? Why? Yeah.
It would seriously be an honor to my entire family if you fucked my sister. (LAUGHS) What?
I'll bet you five bucks that I fuck your sister before you fuck my sister.
I bet you five bucks that I fuck my sister before you fuck my sister.
I'll give you five bucks if you fuck your sister.
OK, can we cool it with the sister fucking?
This is your friend's place, all right? Get out.
MILLER: Oh, great. This is awesome.
Jesus Christ, this place is quaint. MILLER: - Thank you.
Whoa! I don't know. Jesus! Who is that guy?
He's kind of a good dancer.
What's up, VisionQuest? Boom.
Dude, if we're not as fucked up as that guy in two hours, we have failed.
I'd definitely wash that hand if I were you.
Did you see the headdress? He's The Chief.
No, he's a street person, dude.
Nice tie. You look like Jason Gordon-Levitz.
It's actually Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
I actually really like him in 500 Days of Summer.
He's actually a really good actor. He is a really good actor.
Had a nice little transitional period, right?
- Third City from the Sun or... Yeah.
BOTH: - Jeff Chang! Hey!
MILLER: Yeah! What's up, bud?
Happy birthday, you tiny yellow son of a bitch!
Surprise, buddy! What are you guys doing here?
I want you to call your lame friends and cancel your plans because we're taking you out tonight and melt your fucking face off!
Yes. Yes, we are! No. Wait, no, no, wait!
Your face will be fine. Guys! Miller, I'm not...
Yeah, dude. Yeah!
No, no, hey, guys. Wow, man, nice place!
Guys, guys, guys, listen to me. What?
I really appreciate you coming all the way down here, but...
Do you have any weed? I smoked all mine on the train.
No, no. Seriously, I can't go out tonight.
OK? I have my biggest med school interview, ever, tomorrow morning.
Shit! We should've called.
Jeff Chang! You're 21 years old, man. Your asshole dad isn't here anymore.
Gentlemen. Holy fuck, he is totally here.
Nice to see you again, Dr. Chang. How's Cathy?
I mean, Mrs. Chang? I mean, Dr. Mrs. Chang? Fuck me.
You still owe me $17.50 for that hole in my fence, Altman.
Uh, really? That was from, like, eighth grade.
I didn't know you still associated with these... people.
No, Dad, I swear, I didn't know they were coming.
Your interview with Dr. Collins is at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
I'll pick you up at seven.
Your suit is pressed? Yeah.
I had to call in a lot of favors to get you this interview.
Be rested, be sharp, do not embarrass me.
Look, it was so nice of you guys to surprise me, but, listen, I can't go out tonight, OK?
This is like my whole life in one interview.
Dude, I totally get it. That's funny 'cause I don't.
I don't totally get it. Could we go out tomorrow night?
No, we cannot go out tomorrow night, because I've got tickets to Soundgarden.
You're a straight-A student, dude. You can go out one night.
He can't go out, dude.
Casey, first of all, you need to shut the fuck up.
And Jeff Chang, you need to sit down. No.
Come on, just take a seat, please, on your nice futon.
Because you have the wrong attitude right now, my friend.
Look, Jeff Chang, this isn't just any birthday.
OK? This is your 21st birthday.
Here we go. This is the day that you become a man.
This is the day that you get to tell every bouncer who's ever carded you, "You know what? Sure, I get it. Yes, I look like a nine-year-old Chinese girl."
What the fuck? "But guess what?"
"Today is my 21st fucking birthday."
So, step aside and let the man come through.
Miller, I totally get it, but I can't go out tonight.
It's actually not your fault. It's your people's fault.
Your people haven't been in this country for a very "rong" time.
What? He's more American than you. My family built the rail roads.
Yeah, but, well, you know what I mean. Like, your people.
What? What? China. I don't know. Are you Chinese?
Listen, the point is... I understand what you're saying, but I can't... MILLER: - In America, in the United States of America, bald eagles and Budweiser, you go out and drink because it's a sacred rite of passage.
It's just like in Africa when... Oh, my God.
If we were in Africa... You are so lucky we're not in Africa.
If we were in Africa, you would have to leave the village and not come back till you killed a bear.
None of that is true.
There's no bears in Africa? Really? No.
You have to read a book. MILLER: - You're 21 years old.
This, as they say in Casey's home country, is a bar mitzvah.
It's the American bar mitzvah. I was born in America.
It's like... OK, it's like when an Eskimo kills his first penguin, right?
Nope, they definitely don't do that. Yes, they fucking do, Casey.
I hate you. In this country, Jeff Chang, your best friends take you out and they fuck you with alcohol.
I'm gonna fuck you with alcohol. Oh, my God.
Now who's with me? Nope.
Come on, fuckers! Uh-uh.
Mm-mm. MILLER: - Whatever.
I'm fucking taking you out whether you want to or not!
I don't care if you're scared of your fucking dad.
Dude, we're all scared of his fucking dad.
I'm not! A little bit.
Also, if you do not come out tonight, I will stand outside your bedroom window all night doing this.
(HORN BLARING) (ALL YELLING)
OK, OK, OK, I'll go out! I can't hear you!
This thing is super loud! I'll go out, just stop! Just stop!
That's what I'm saying. That wasn't so hard.
What kind of asshole brings an air horn in his backpack?
Honestly, it comes in handy more than you'd think.
Just one beer. One beer. That's all I wanted.
We'll take care of you. That's it, man.
Nothing's gonna happen to you. You're my little baby tonight.
♪ You may bury me with an enemy in Mount Calvary!
♪ You can stack me on a pyre and soak me down with whiskey
♪ Roast me to a blackened crisp Give me a shot! - ♪ And throw me in a pyre!
♪ I don't really give a shit I'm going out in style! ♪
I'm gonna be 21 forever, you motherfuckers!
Dude! How you doing? I'm doing great, dude.
Good to see you guys! What's up, dude?
It's awesome to see you. Honestly, 'cause I miss you. I miss your hugs.
Yeah. OK. OK. Give me a hug.
Are you, uh... are you... Are you sure you're OK, man?
You're fine, like, should we maybe get going?
No, Casey, look at me. I'm fine.
I'm fine. You look fine.
I'm fine. He's fine.
You know what this bar reminds me of? What?
The night we won Rothenberg's Beer Pong tournament, and Jeff Chang hooked up with that nine-foot tall chick who played the banjo.
Yeah, what was her name? Tara.
CASEY: - Tara! Yeah, Tara!
She was gigantic.
Man, high school was so awesome.
Speaking of the banjo, you still writing music?
Dude, I'm pre-med, man. I don't write music. I don't listen to music.
I can't even remember the last time I went to a show.
Fuck, man. Yeah.
Hey, you're still in for Sidewinder at The Gorge this summer, right?
Hell, yeah! The Gorge! Right, OK! The Gorge!
Casey, what about you, man? Hm?
The Gorge, Sidewinder. Oh, I don't know, man.
Aren't we too old to be doing the whole music festival thing?
Uh, I don't know, Casey, are we too old to have fun times?
No. Are we too old to spend a week enjoying 250 bands play the seminal music of our generation?
Are we too old to drop acid and make love to white chicks in dreadlocks?
I don't like dreadlocks. Are we too old to take handfuls of Ecstasy and dance around in fur... with other people in fur?
Yeah, we are too old for all of those things.
I don't like dreadlocks.
But, guys, all I'm saying is that we all graduate in May, right?
This could be the last summer all three of us ever spend together. You know?
Right, but I have a job lined up after graduation.
What? You got a fucking job?
Yeah. I'm working for Newbury Capital in New York.
Dude, congrats, that's a great firm! Thanks, Jeff Chang. See?
Yeah, awesome. What about Sidewinder at The Gorge, Casey?
I'll think about it, all right? That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. You're selfish. That's bullshit. WOMAN: - Jeff! Jeff!
JEFFCHANG: - Oh, Nicole! Holy shit, game on.
Hey, how are you doing? (LAUGHS) Happy birthday!
Hey. Meet my oldest friends, Miller, Casey.
We used to tear shit up in high school.
Casey. Nice to meet you, Nicole.
Wow, that's quite a firm shake.
That's 'cause he masturbates a lot.
Oh, yeah? Me too. I can't get to sleep without flicking the bean.
What? Wow, I guess we already have a lot in common. That's great.
Yeah, I masturbate a lot, too.
He does. Like a lot.
Oh. At weird places too, like malls, bathrooms, handicap stalls. They're bigger.
Name some more spots you jerk off in, Miller.
Sometimes I wear flannel. Made me feel like a lumberjack.
What the fuck? I am so sorry for him.
I don't even know you. I feel terrible.
What are you talking about? I feel like she's picking up what I'm putting down.
Oh. Yeah, but then again, she's putting it down again. But then she picks it back up.
I feel like she'd never really pick it up twice.
OK, look, I'm just gonna ask. Who would you rather...?
Him. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
OK, it's over. It's over. CASEY: - Oh, my God.
This is embarrassing. That's fine, that's fine.
Fuck you all, I'm gonna go play some darts.
Have a really boring life with my boring friend Casey, who played the flute in band. Shh.
OK, thanks, buddy. Enjoy.
Wow. Thank you for that. Oh, my God.
Here, sit down. You're welcome. Thank you.
So, um... So, that's your friend?
Yeah, we were best friends back in high school, but we're not really that close anymore.
Yeah. Your oldest friends are always your weirdest friends, right?
Yeah, what is that about? I don't know.
People change when they go to college, right?
Like, I'm sure he wasn't that big of an idiot back in high school.
No, actually, that's exactly how big of an idiot he was, yeah.
Hundred percent same amount of idiot. (LAUGHS) Really? OK.
Yeah. So you're in, uh, Sigma... Zeta...
...circle with a line in it. Oh, OK.
I get it, you're not in a frat? No.
'Cause I'm not angry and secretly gay. (CHUCKLES) Wow!
So, what are you drinking?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, dude, I'm so glad you guys came. I really needed this.
My dad's been driving me crazy. MILLER: - Yeah man, we love you.
We wouldn't miss it for anything. Miller! (LAUGHS)
Honestly, I'm sorry Casey's being such a little bitch, though.
He's not being a bitch. Dude, yeah, he is.
Honestly, I feel like he thinks that he's too good for us and it's like, "Bro, you're a nerd."
He's not a nerd. He's our friend.
You're lucky to be hanging out with us because we're awesome.
Dude, he's just trying to be happy.
So, you leave for Brazil tomorrow?
Yes, and then Chile, Ecuador and Argentina.
What about you? What are you doing for spring break?
I have a two week externship at J.P. Morgan.
It's private equity stuff. It's pretty cool.
You know? It's not that cool. Wait.
So, on the last spring break of your entire life, you're working?
Yeah, why? Aren't we supposed to be starting our lives?
Did your mom tell you that? Yeah, my mom did tell me that.
She did? Yeah. Why you hating on my mama?
No, it's just... I mean, look around. OK?
In ten years, everyone in this bar will be married with kids, driving to some boring job in a fucking minivan.
I mean, we got to do as much crazy shit as we can before then.
No, yeah, exactly. I totally agree.
We're not too big on crazy here, are we?
What? No, I'm a huge proponent of the crazy.
Are you kidding? I'm the mayor of Crazyville.
Oh, my God, you're such a dork. No! Are you...?
What? Check it. Look, V-neck sweater with an un-tucked shirt.
My shit is bananas, girl. (LAUGHING)
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm just saying, the point is, is that he's changed and I can tell that you're upset by it.
I'm not upset. I'm not. Yeah, you are.
OK, whatever, message received. I'm gonna talk to him.
Dude, no. This can't go on. He's hurting you.
He's hurting both of us. You don't need to talk to him.
(MAN SHOUTS) Holy shit, dude!
Fuck me! MILLER: - That's awesome.
It went all the way through. I can see it.
Oh, my God. Hey, hey... Oh, my God, I am so sorry, man.
I'm so sorry. Problem, homeboy?
No, no. Here, let me take a look. Get your hands off me!
I'm gonna be a medical student. I'll just check...
Back off! Hey, hey, hey!
- Step Up, 3D. Take a step back. Miller, help me.
You want to fight? Calm down. Nobody wants to dance, OK?
It was an accident. Sorry, we won't touch you.
It was an accident.
Oh, well, guys, I guess it was just an accident.
You know, my face doesn't even hurt anymore, now that I know that it's an accident.
I mean, accidents, they happen all the time when you're drinking.
People get hit by things like flying darts...
What's happening? ...and flying stools.
What are you doing with the bar stool? What, you're gonna throw it at us?
(GRUNTING) Jesus Christ, man! Are you OK?
Now if I ever see you fucking tampons again, I will come at you like a fucking spider monkey!
I'll rip your face off, bitch.
I think we should get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Wow, you seriously need to get laid.
I know, what do you think I'm trying to do right now?
Oh, really, is that what this is? Yeah.
Why, how am I doing? Is it not... Eh...
Do you have any, like, notes or comments or anything?
(LAUGHS) We gotta go.
What? No, I'm talking to Nicole.
That's a really great story. We gotta go.
Yeah. No, I'm not going.
We need to get out of this bar.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
OK, what could have possibly went down in there that you had to pull me away from her?
What? Dude, that wasn't gonna happen. She's a hard nine, you are a soft six.
Oh, what the fuck, man? Wow.
Shit. OK, where we going? Let's go.
No, man, it's eleven o'clock. We're done.
Oh, dude, there's like 20 bars nearby. That's awesome. Let's do it.
No, we gotta get Jeff Chang home, man. His dad is gonna fucking flip.
What are you? A pussy? (LAUGHING)
That's awesome. You fucking pussy!
How many fuckin' shots did you give him in there?
Relax, OK? He drank us both under the table in high school.
Yeah, I remember. Oh, shit, the Galway.
These fuckers have been carding me for years.
Whoa! Jeff Chang! Car! (HORN HONKING)
Fuckers! What the hell? Where is he going?
All right, dude, relax, one more bar and then we'll go home. I promise.
All right. She was cute, right? Yeah, she was cute.
She's just not my type. What is your type?
Girls that wanna have sex with me.
You got ID or not, man? Just come back when you hit puberty.
Twenty-one. Blackjack, motherfucker!
Whatever, just go the fuck inside. What?
What? What? You're good, go in.
Where are the white women at?
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)
CROWD: Drink, drink, drink, drink!
Take it off, yeah!
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God!
Holy shit, dude! Stop pissing! Stop pissing! Stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
I'll just talk to myself. Awesome.
Man, this is ridiculous.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERING)
CASEY: Miller, we have to get him home.
Three waters, please. Dude, it's too late.
They're gonna need a new bull. This is not funny.
Yeah, let's put him down. He's really heavy.
Oh, my God. (MOANING)
Jeff Chang's dad is gonna fucking honor kill him if we don't get him to that interview.
Relax, he's gonna be fine, man. Let's just get him home.
Yeah, so where are we?
How do I feel like none of this looks familiar?
Did we come from...?
Jeff Chang, where do you live?
Home... Yeah, home, how do we get home, bud?
(SLURS) Suck my shit. CASEY: - OK, hey, hey.
Get you home, we can get you rested. Just give us your address, buddy.
We'll get you a good night's sleep, a nice cup of coffee.
Dude, that's not gonna work. You gotta shake him.
What? Wake up, asshole!
Tell us where you live. Didn't you...?
I know that you're in there and I know that you can hear me.
Didn't you have his address? Yeah, I do, uh...
It's back at his apartment, though.
All right, well, maybe it's in his wallet?
Yeah, check his wallet. He's really passed out, man.
No, that's his parents' address. I know that one. Fuck!
Yeah, let's call his parents. Yeah, let's.
Let's call Dr. Chang, the scariest man in the entire world, and be like, "Hey, what's going on, Dr. Chang?"
"We took your son out, got him shitfaced and totally ruined his future. Oops. Sorry."
OK, look, Casey, we don't know where Jeff Chang lives. OK?
We don't know anybody who knows where Jeff Chang lives, so it seems like... Wait. Oh, my God. Nicole.
Dude, stop thinking with your penis.
No, no, no. Nicole, she's friends with Jeff Chang.
She might know where he lives. OK, cool. Did you get her number?
No. No, because you can't close.
No, because you pulled me away from her before I fucking could.
You know that. You could never close.
She was closeable. I would've closed. Jeff Chang could've closed.
You know what? Nicole lives in a sorority.
If we could find her sorority house, we could find her.
OK, Casey, there's 40,000 people at this university.
There is no way that I'm gonna go looking for one person, who may or may not know where he lives.
That is dumb. No. No.
"No." No, never.
(RAP SONG PLAYING)
MILLER: Oh, hey, it's The Chief.
Dude, what is The Chief doing all the way over here?
I wish I was homeless. Oh, my God.
Think about it, man, they got no stress. They have no responsibilities.
What responsibilities do you have?
Dude, I have a cat that needs love and affection and I have to take her on walks.
You don't take cats on walks. I take my cat on walks.
She has fat legs.
CASEY: Dude, I really don't want to fuck this up.
Jeff Chang has wanted to be a doctor his whole life.
MILLER: Maybe he should've thought about that before he went out drinking tonight.
Yeah, 'cause this is all his fault. What is that supposed to mean?
You forced him to go out and made him get drunk.
Jeff Chang is a grown man and he made his own choices.
There was no air horn involved anywhere?
Great. Seems like you haven't changed at all, that's nice.
Yeah, well, you've changed because in high school, you were sorta cool, Casey. What is this jabbing my leg?
But now, you are not cool. Now you're just super douchey.
What the fuck? Holy shit.
What is Jeff Chang doing with a gun? I don't know, man.
Dude, this is a real gun, man. I know.
I got it. He's on the riflery team, right?
You think this guy's OK? He didn't say anything to you, did he?
No one's trying to hurt him or anything?
No. But we don't talk as much as we used to. You know?
(SIGHS) All right, let’s just keep going, I guess, right?
I want to shoot something if I have this fucking gun in my hand.
Please don't. Please don't. Can I kill a squirrel?
Miller, put the fucking gun away. OK.
Let's go. I'll kill one later.
So, what sorority is Nicole in? Sigma Zeta something.
Dude, her sorority letters were written on her rack.
How do you not remember them?
I was more interested in what she had to say, dude.
Yeah, well, if you had been a normal guy and stared at her tits, we'd be home already.
Speaking of tits, how is your sister? CASEY: - Oh, my God.
MILLER: Sigma Zeta Theta, could that be it?
Yeah, that's actually right. Oh.
(BELL RINGING) Vaginas!
Yeah, you wanna tell us where you live, man?
(CHUCKLES) (MUMBLES) Big vagina.
OK. Let's just lock that away for a few minutes and act normal, OK?
CASEY: - Oh, hello! MILLER: - Hello. How are you?
CASEY: - Hi. MILLER: - Hi.
Awesome. Is Nicole in?
Is this some sort of pledge thing?
I want cereal. Count Chocula. Shh. Jeff Chang.
All right. CASEY: - You don't have to write.
MILLER: The answer is...
Oh, no, don't even worry about it. Just tell Nicole to come downstairs.
Just tell her it's Casey.
It's a funny story, actually. She'll totally love this.
Fuck! Well, what are we gonna do now, man?
That was so weird.
What are you doing? Come on.
Don't leave me with the baby. Bring the baby. Come on.
I can't... fuckin'... Let's go around the back.
Hey. Dude, no, we're not breaking into a sorority.
MILLER: (WHISPERS) Don't be scared. They're just girls.
Oh, jackpot. Yes.
What? Do you have a better idea?
Come on. I fucking hate you.
Watch his head. Watch his head.
It's gonna be fine, everything's gonna be fine.
Oh, Jesus. I'm sure he's fine. Great.
(WHISPERS) Oh, God, Jeff Chang, be careful.
Hey, wait, wait, wait. Was Nicole Latina?
She could be half-tina.
I don't know, man. She seemed pretty Nordic to me.
Dude, Cameron Diaz is Latina. It's just a meaningless ethnic signifier. Come on.
You know, sometimes, you say the stupidest shit and other times it's like, Cameron Diaz, Latina, I never even thought of that.
Shh! Yeah, I really liked her in Shrek.
MILLER: Yeah, dude, Shrek was fucking tight.
JEFFCHANG: - I'm hungry! Shh, Shh, Shh!
(LOUDLY) I want waffles! Shit.
Go. I want waffles! (MUFFLED)
He is way too loud. We definitely can't bring him with us.
Right, so, what are we gonna do?
Well, we can't just leave him here, man.
(CHANTING) Hi-ya. Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya. Hi-ya, hi-ya...
Chill out with the rain dance. I'm trying to tie you to the can.
(SOFTLY) Hi-ya, hi-ya...
Is this really the best idea? Probably not.
Let's hump and dump. That's not an expression, but OK.
(WHISPERS) "Rosa. Maria"?
"Incarnazion"? Dude, something is wrong...
Dude, what are you doing?
(JEFFCHANG MOANS SOFTLY)
(MOANING) Honey, are you OK?
Got a little cramp? Need a tamp?
WOMAN 1: Have you seen my bra?
(WHISPERS) Go, go, go. WOMAN 2: - Maybe it's in your room.
Fuck, it's a dead end.
Go, go, go!
Pledge Gomez and Pledge Aguilar are eager for our spanking, Pledge Mistress!
(JEFFCHANG MOANING) Lupita, are you OK?
WOMAN: - Lupe. (JEFFCHANG SHRIEKS)
Is something wrong, Pledge Mistress?
Why are we not being spanked?
Don't, don't, don't. We wait eagerly, Pledge Mistress.
Pledge Mistress, we are deserving of this spanking.
(WHISPERS) Yes, they are. What are you doing?
I'm gonna spank that ass.
No. Shh. I hear something.
Go check the door. We want to be spanked by you, Pledge Mistress.
I feel nothing. Again.
Pledge Aguilar requests a spanking of her own, Pledge Mistress.
What the fuck?
Fucking... I love sorority chicks.
Pledge Mistress, is there a man in the room?
CASEY: (WHISPERS) Well, say something.
That's right, pledges. This is a new part of your initiation.
Really, because that's not... Yeah, I don't know about that...
Girls, this is what the Pledge Mistress said.
Guys, do you want me to have to call Pledge Mistress?
BOTH: - No, no. I don't want to call Pledge Mistress.
You know how she gets this time of night, but I will wake her up and tell her you're being disobedient pledges.
We're sorry. Yeah.
That's better. What's our new assignment?
(WHISPERS) Find Nicole. Find Nicole.
Your new assignment... Find Nicole.
...is to start making out. What?
(WHISPERS) Who the fuck is this?
This is so wrong.
Relax, all the kids go les nowadays. Isn't that right, Becca?
Yeah, totally, but how is this part of our sorority training again?
I have no idea, but I love you.
I want to make beautiful lesbian babies with both of you.
Look, do either of you guys...
God, they're really going at it. Yeah.
Do either of you guys know which room Nicole is in?
Nicole? There's no Nicole in this sorority.
What? She's not here.
Dude... we're in the wrong sorority.
No, dude, we're in the right sorority.
All right, we do have to get going soon.
Yeah. No, we'll get going.
MILLER: Becca? Hey, sorry.
Will you grab her boobie a little bit? Come on, man, that's...
WOMAN: (SHOUTING) Intruder in the house! Intruder!
I'm so sorry.
Go, go! Go, go, go!
Hey, get your ass back here!
(MOANING) (WOMEN SHOUTING)
Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang, we're coming!
What the hell?
We're gonna kick your ass!
Ladies, please, can we just talk about this?
Holy shit! Oh, window!
Go, go, go, go!
WOMAN: - We're gonna fuck you up! Motherfuckers!
How we gonna get him down?
We're gonna throw him off. What? No.
Trust me. A pool cover's like a giant pillow. I've done this a thousand times.
You have? We're gonna beat your ass!
OK, on three. Oh, my God, look.
That's Nicole's sorority.
Oh, cool. OK. All right.
BOTH: One... two...
Oh, my God.
(WOMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Did we just kill Jeff Chang?
(WOMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING NEARBY)
Oh, my God! Dude, they're everywhere!
CASEY: Jeff Chang is covered in rose thorns.
Open the fucking door! Can I help you?
Oh, my God, thank God you're white. Is Nicole here?
Uh, yes, but... OK... Awesome.
Um, she doesn't want to see you.
MILLER: - OK, just be careful. CASEY: - Oh, my Lord.
MILLER: I'm looking at his asshole. Oh!
So, whose idea was it to throw Jeff off the roof?
Uh, Casey. It was Casey's idea.
Wow. I was all wrong about you.
Had you pegged for a real straight arrow.
Oh, no, he is. He went to space camp.
Thanks, man. Straight arrow.
Yeah. I have a bit of a wild side.
Oh, yeah? Hm-mm.
Sometimes after eating, I jump right into the pool.
I don't even wait 20 minutes. You're a fucking renegade.
CASEY: - Yeah, you think so? Yeah.
Sometimes at night... (WHISPERS) I don't even wear my mouth guard.
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God. And I'm supposed to.
That's recommended. (LAUGHS)
You're funny. Thanks.
I think you're funny too. NICOLE: - Thank you.
What the fuck are you guys doing? OK, look, I go to the window to check out for our safety, and I come back, it's all bananas in pajamas. Let's get serious.
Do you know where Jeff Chang lives? I don't, I'm sorry.
Do you know any of his friends or anything?
I met Jeff in my remedial science study group, but he didn't really talk to anyone else so...
There we go, back at square one. Not a single clue.
Wait, your remedial science group?
Yeah, I'm a Bio major. I tutor kids who are struggling.
OK, no, Jeff Chang is Asian.
There's no remedial in that language. Yeah.
Nicole, Jeff Chang invented science, OK?
Actually, he's failing out of school.
This Jeff Chang, right here? Yeah. This Jeff Chang.
You guys didn't know that?
No. No. What?
What is going on with Jeff Chang? First the gun and now this?
Why wouldn't he tell us he was failing?
I don't know. Maybe he was embarrassed or something.
We're his best friends. You tell your best friends stuff like that.
Maybe we're not friends like that anymore.
What? OK, we're in the middle of a crisis here.
You're just gonna drop that kind of shit on me right now?
Listen, Nicole, is there like a campus address book, or do you know anyone that might know where he lives?
No. Oh, wait, Randy might know where Jeff lives. Oh, great.
He's the campus pep leader. He has every student's address in his phone for sending out flyers and stuff.
So Randy is a cheerleader? Yell leader.
Oh, yell leader. Completely different.
Yeah, I didn't realize, OK. (SCOFFS) Straight to voice-mail.
Oh, he's at the pep rally.
You know what? I'm going to a party on that side of campus, I can take you guys over there. Great!
OK, look, no, guys. We can't just run out of here.
We're surrounded by Latins right now.
They're coming in hot. They're frickin' everywhere.
No worries. I have a car. She has a car!
Nice. A little bit of a road trip? We're on a mission.
CASEY: - OK, there she is. WOMAN 1: - Go that way!
Oh, fuck, what is that? It looks like a toy.
WOMAN 2: - Look over here! CASEY: - It's fine, it's a car.
We're coming. Dude, there's no way.
There's Hispanics everywhere.
WOMAN 3: - Check the bushes. OK, we gotta go, come on!
No, no. This is stupid. We're not gonna fit in that thing.
We'll be fine. I've taken shits bigger than that.
I cannot believe you're jeopardizing our mission for some girl.
Why? You think she likes me? No, you're a fucking nerd.
CASEY: That's what I was saying. It's like, I think she would date a guy that rides a mountain bike...
Shh! ...or like surfs in Costa Rica.
Where do I fit in?
Fuck, this really isn't gonna work. MILLER: - I told you.
(WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
(WHISTLE TRILLING) WOMAN: - There they are!
MILLER: - Go, go, go! (TIRES SQUEALING)
Get the fucking van.
(RAP SONG PLAYS)
CASEY: Is the pep rally even still going on?
NICOLE: Oh, yeah, we've got State tomorrow.
This campus is gonna be going off all night.
Well, thanks for the ride.
So, how are we gonna find this Randy guy?
Pep rally's right down that path. Just look for the big truck.
It's called the Spirit Mobile. Randy should be around there somewhere.
You sure you don't want to come with us?
I'd love to, but I'm already super late to my party.
And why is Randy gonna give us Jeff Chang's address?
Oh, because he's my boyfriend.
Didn't I tell you that? Uh, no.
Yeah. MILLER: - Nicole, have a great night.
Thank you so much. You're a gem. OK, well, good luck.
OK. Great. Thank you.
Just don't. Casey, I'm not gonna say anything.
Can't believe she has a boyfriend, though, right?
I thought she would have said something earlier.
It makes sense. That's why she wasn't, you know, feeling me.
But I'm not gonna say anything. I won't say anything.
I don't want to rub salt in your wound 'cause I could tell you're hurting...
(MARCHING BAND PLAYS IN DISTANCE)
But I didn't know she had a boyfriend. Wow.
Let's just find this guy, OK?
I bet he's huge, by the way.
Probably super flexible. The guy could probably blow himself.
I'd blow myself, but I have a long torso.
But seriously, does your sister ask about me?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTS OUTSIDE)
WOMAN 1: Check the alley!
WOMAN 2: Let's find these motherfuckers!
(WOMEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
What the hell's going on out here?
Hey... have you seen these guys?
I've been looking for them all night.
They were also carrying a drunk Asian kid.
Oh, I got you, you little turds.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) (MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
Hey, let's check over there by the big truck.
Oh, look, cheerleaders! Let's ask the cheerleaders.
Uh, excuse me! Excuse me!
Do you know where Randy is? He's behind the Spirit Mobile.
Oh, thank you.
Excuse me, hey, are you Randy?
Oh, no. What the fuck you doing here?
MAN: Who's this guy, Randy?
These are the motherfuckers that threw a dart at my face.
Break them down, Randy. Wait, this is the guy from the bar?
You got a lot of nerve coming into my house.
You are not cool enough to call something your house.
Plus, we're outside, so it doesn't even make sense. There's no house.
It's a metaphor, bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, dude.
I'm sorry about my friend. Look, we just talked to Nicole and...
Whoa, you talked to my girl?
Yeah, I wouldn't have gone that route.
Yeah, listen, we're just trying to get our friend home and she said you might have his address in your phone?
Nicole said that? Hm-mm.
Lock him up, Randy. Sweep the leg, Randy.
"Sweep the leg"?
Hurt his feelings, Randy. Crush his spirit, Randy.
Well, I mean, I should probably help them out, right?
Here's my phone, motherfuckers.
Come and get it. Can we just be grown-ups about this?
OK, I'm done talking. What's up? Dude, what are you doing?
Oh, shit, Randy! He's got a gun, Randy!
I'm scared, Randy. Give me your fucking phone, Randy!
Put the fucking gun away, OK? No, dude, you know what? I know guns.
That shit ain't even real. Huh? Is this real?
(GUNSHOT ECHOES) (BELLOWING)
(GRUNTING) Yeah, baby, kick his ass, Randy!
Yeah, boy! Fuck him up! Yeah, beat his ass, Randy!
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS) Break a leg, baby!
(GRUNTING) (OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
Oh, shit, Randy. (GROANING)
I got it, I got the phone.
Pussies! Where the hell are you going?
Hey! Get up, Randy. Let's get him, Randy!
Move, move, get out the way! Watch it!
(CROWD SCREAMING) (BELLOWING)
There he is! I see him!
Yeah, we got you now!
You're cornered, dude!
We're gonna fuck up your face! CASEY: - Miller!
Get in, get in, get in!
Hey! I'm in, I'm in! Go, go, go!
Find 'em? All right, go. Look for them. Come on, I want...
(SNORTING) (SIREN WAILING)
That was so dumb. That was so dumb. (CHUCKLING)
This Randy guy's a massive douche, but I actually really like his phone.
Just tell me that Jeff Chang's address is in there.
OK, Jeffrey Reginald Chang.
Four-nineteen Oak Street, number two. Oh, thank God.
And that is located... six blocks away. And boom goes the dynamite.
Nice. Finally! Nice.
Finally. We're gonna get you home, buddy.
I'm glad we didn't ruin his life. He's still breathing, right?
Who cares? Oh, go straight here.
CASEY: OK, so this is good. We're gonna have him home by four.
He'll be able to nap it out for a few hours and be good to go by seven.
His asshole father will never know.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Hello? Honey, I told you. (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS) I knocked on his door, he didn't answer.
I called his cell phone. He didn't pick up.
Oh, man, he's gonna pay for this. - Why didn't you wake him up?
(CHUCKLES) No, he's not asleep. He's out here. I can feel it in my knee.
So, what about that buffalo, you think it's OK?
No, they're gonna kill it. Really?
Buffalos only live for like three years anyway, man.
Whoa! Was that The Chief again? Yes, it is.
Stay awesome, Chief! (RAP SONG PLAYING)
Oh, my God. Oh, God! Whoo-hoo!
(LAUGHING) Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Whoo!
MILLER: - Awesome. You were right, man.
Golf carts go down stairs.
Holy shit, I fucking love college, man. I don't know why I ever left.
Did you drop out of college?
It's me, man. You can tell me whatever you want. I'm not gonna make a big deal.
OK, yeah, I dropped out of college. What?
Two years ago. Two...
What have you been doing for fucking two years?
I work at a gas station, man.
I get, you know, free snacks. I get free smokes.
Like, I hang out with my boy Varaj... Varag.
You have a boy "Varaj"?
Yeah, he's pretty... This is... Oh, my God.
Dude, look, Casey, I don't know why you're acting so surprised, man.
Like, I'm not Jeff Chang, I'm not you.
I wasn't gonna do awesome stuff with my life.
Like... this is what's up. OK. What a cop-out.
You're one of the smartest people I've ever met.
Top 25. Whatever, man. (LAUGHS) Fuck you.
You aced your SAT's, right? Yeah.
And remember Mary what's-her-name? The hot born-again chick?
No one could get near her, and then you stole third base with her at the book fair.
She liked to read. I know.
I don't know what you said to her, but it must have been pretty smart.
Uh... I told herl had leukemia.
That's actually pretty dark.
Whatever, man. The point is you're really smart.
You're just lazy as fuck. Yeah.
I'm not bullshitting, man. I know, you're right.
I just gotta get my shit together, man.
I just gotta get my shit together.
I miss you, dude.
We don't really get to talk like this much anymore.
Look, maybe I could take a couple weeks off this summer and catch up with you guys at the Sidewinder Festival.
Yeah? Yeah, man.
That's awesome, Casey! I miss you guys too.
Dude, I'm gonna fuck so much unwashed hippie ass it's gonna be embarrassing.
(LAUGHS) Right. I like the hippie chicks, man.
They don't shave their legs.
That means they have a huge bush and you know me...
Yeah, you love bushes. Yeah. I like a good bush. Fuck.
MILLER: OK, Jeff Chang's apartment is right up here on the left.
CASEY: Nice. We got you home, buddy.
This doesn't look right. What the shit is this?
(RAP SONG PLAYING)
You sure this is the right address? Yeah.
(SIGHS) Must be an old address.
All right, well, come on, let's go inside.
Maybe someone in his old room knows where he lives now.
(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)
Look at this place, man.
MILLER: Yeah, these nerds know how to party, bro!
Oh, dude, Beer Pong? We gotta play. We gotta play.
Yeah, man. That would be great, but we got some shit to do.
Hey, your elbow's over the table!
Shut up, you piece of shit! Hey, fuck you, man!
Watch your elbow, asshole! Thirty seconds...
I'm gonna kick that guy's ass! CASEY: - Dude, what is wrong with you?
(MUSIC ECHOING IN DISTANCE)
Oh, my God. You are so cute. Hello. Oh, my God.
Bang on my door one more fucking time and I'll claw your fucking eyes out.
OK, um... Do you know this guy?
Why, because I'm Asian?
We don't all know each other, you racist mother...
Oh, wait, I do know this guy. Yeah, he used to live here.
Do you know where he lives now?
No, I used to live across the hall and he never talked to anyone.
Of course he didn't.
That's why I was shocked when the cops came and arrested his bitch ass.
What would the cops possibly want with Jeff Chang?
I don't fucking know, but he moved out after that and I never saw him again.
What is going on with Jeff Chang?
Motherfucker took my laundry detergent.
He's packing heat, he's failing out of school, and now he's a criminal?
Maybe he's a Yakuza or something. This chick is really fucking turning me on.
Do you have a forwarding address for Jeff Chang?
Yeah, yeah, no, I do. No, you fucking cock lickers.
You could check with our RA. He might know.
Your RA, where is your RA? Miller! What, the fuck...
Top floor. His name is PJ Brill and he's throwing this fucking party if you could believe that.
She has such a mouth on her. I believe it. I believe it.
Yeah, and when you see the beaver muncher, tell him to get all the titties and butt-fuckers out of my foyer.
I got fucking field hockey tomorrow.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Oh, here we go. MAN: - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going? We're going up.
No way. Tower of Power, dude. MILLER: - What?
What's the Tower of Power? Yeah.
You gotta win the event on each floor to move up a level. Hey.
CASEY: - You have to be kidding me. Nope.
OK, how many levels are there? There's eight.
OK, we just need to talk to this guy named PJ Brill?
PJ Brill is Tower Master.
You wanna talk to him, you gotta get to the top level.
How do big dumb animals like you even get into college?
Just 'cause I look like this... doesn't mean I don't have feelings.
Look, we just need to get our friend home, OK?
Can you help us out? Please? Come on, man.
Tower of Power, dude.
Tower of Power, dude? Tower of Power.
CASEY: What are we gonna do with Jeff Chang?
Hey, what's up, dudes? What's going on?
You guys mind watching our friend for a bit?
Sure, man. (COUGHING) Killer.
These guys look super high. You sure this is a good idea?
Relax, dude, these morons aren't going anywhere.
Now, come on! Let's show these clown dicks how to pong, baby.
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Ethnic Serbs. These guys can pong.
Fuck the Balkan states. OK, bros, when we beat you, you can't rape us and steal our land, OK? No rapey. No rapey.
OK. Nice shot.
Here we go.
And we're back!
Twinkle, twinkle, baby. Twinkle, twinkle.
Good. Drink up, Serb.
Know what that tastes like? Freedom.
Hey, Ivan Drago, this one's for you and your sweet jumpsuit.
Say something, bro. You're freaking me out.
This one's for Apollo Creed. His spirit lives on.
CASEY: - Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
That's what I'm talking about! Paper covers rock, bitch.
Rock covers your Russian ass! That's right... different cultures.
Last shot, last shot. Kiss it. Kiss it.
BOTH: USA! USA!
Red, white and blue! Undefeated, baby!
Give me my beads, bitch! Sorry, he doesn't mean that.
Tower of fucking Power! (RAP SONG PLAYS)
All day! (INDISTINCT)
That's right, baby! You did it. You know you did it.
Yes! (ALL CHEERING)
What's the name of the game? ALL: - Thumper!
And why do we play? To get fucked up!
Yeah! Give me my beads.
(RAP SONG CONTINUES)
That's what I'm talking about, right there!
CROWD: (CHANTING) Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Almost there! Holy shit! You can do this!
Suck and Blow! Fucking child's play.
CASEY: All right, last event, get in line.
I'm gonna go get in there. Let's go, Suck and Blow party.
Oh, so this was your party. Hey.
Did you get Jeff home OK? Uh, no, actually, we left him downstairs with a couple random stoners.
(GIGGLES) Wait, are you serious?
Yeah, actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of a horrible idea.
(LAUGHS) I don't know why we did that.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
Hey, Walsh. Yeah, bro?
Hey, man, who's this dude?
So, Randy didn't have Jeff's address?
Yeah, no, your boyfriend actually turned out to be a bit of a dead end.
Balls, I'm sorry.
Can I ask you what you see in that guy?
Is this you being jealous? No!
Is that what that is? I'm not jealous.
(LAUGHS) Yes, you are. Why am I jealous?
Why, 'cause he's handsome and has phenomenal school spirit?
Randy is pretty crazy, but he's also fun.
And he's passionate and I like that in a guy.
Yeah, but he's passionate about cheerleading and fighting people.
It's like the two worst things to be passionate about.
OK, all right, what are you passionate about, Casey?
I'm passionate about a lot of things. Oh, what NPR?
Yeah, yeah, I actually like NPR a bit. They have a nice little Morning Edition, sometimes I get some cooking tips from them.
Cute ring-tone. Sorry.
I thought that might have been him.
He hasn't returned my texts all night. I... hate it when he does this.
Well, enough about Randy.
Would you like to Suck and Blow with me?
I thought you'd never ask.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES) (MEN CHUCKLE)
Dude, does it look like the bear's...
...blowing him enough yet or what? It looks great, I believe it.
What about the face... Should I write, "Douchebag"?
Or "Fucktard"? Huh?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Very nice form. Where did you learn to play?
Hanover Lake every summer.
No way, I used to spend every winter break there.
No! I swear to God.
The card needs to be a little higher, Danielle. For next time.
Yeah, people say that it's like old and run down, but I think it's the most beautiful place in the world.
Yes! Well, except for that creepy guy that sells pinecones.
Creepy Dan the Pinecone Man! Yes! Oh, my God!
I can tell you don't like me, but if you have a sister who looks like you...
I can't believe that you know Hanover Lake.
It is literally my favorite place on earth.
It's like, all you need to know about me.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Jesus Christ, we're playing Suck and Blow, people. Game faces.
Oh, God. Randy's in the hospital.
He got mauled by a fucking buffalo.
Some asshole stole his phone. That's why he hasn't texted.
Oh, my God, I'm such a bitch. Do you want me to come with you?
Probably not, right?
All right, bye.
Let her go, man.
Sometimes the heart is a lonely hunter.
Do you want to cry? I'll fucking cry for you.
Do you want to make out with me?
No? Kenny, you can come too.
You look like a watcher.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
He's waking up, dude.
I can't just leave it. It says "DOUCHEBA"...
No one's gonna get it. The public will understand.
This is my art. Stop being such a diva.
Fuck, dude... we gotta go!
What the fuck?
MILLER: Top floor, baby, top floor!
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
What the hell is this? MILLER: - Holy shit.
What is this place? CASEY: - OK, shit just got weird.
You've completed the Tower of Power.
You PJ Brill? Please, call me Tower Master.
These are my sweet bitches.
Hi. Nice to meet you. What's up, sweet bitches?
Look, we're friends with Jeff Chang... Now, here is your reward.
Gold beads? You gotta be kidding me, dude.
All right, are you fucking serious, man?
I want more than gold fucking beads.
Miller, it's not about the beads, man.
They gave me 50 bucks for this whole party, all right?
Fifty bucks! The chair, it was 40! All right?
These chicks, I'm paying them five bucks each tonight.
So maybe you guys could cut me a break.
Maybe he can cut us a break 'cause I just chugged a gallon of milk.
Went through your little rat race. I'm all excited, get to the top floor and look what I got, look at this.
I have a baby wizard Elvis with gold beads.
I'm sorry you got free booze and free milk. Shit!
My fault, buddy! OK, do you know how much milk costs?
Like, it's more than gasoline. We're friends with Jeff Chang...
Hey, can I get my banana? These dudes are like stressing me. Thanks.
OK, who are we talking about? Jeff Chang. He used to live here.
You were his RA. The cops came in here...
Oh, yeah, yeah!
He got super wasted and we're just trying to get him home.
No, I don't know where that little psycho lives, man.
Why you calling him a psycho? What's that about?
Dude, the guy got arrested for attempted murder, right?
BOTH: - What? Yeah, that's fucking psycho, right?
Murder? Are you kidding me? Bullshit. Who did he try to kill?
I don't know, but he had a gun and he fucking used it, dude.
That doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Right?
You know, the boy's a little nuts.
Coming from a man in a diaper, eating a banana.
OK, I get it.
I might not look like your average dude. OK?
MILLER: - That's for sure. But I've got bitches and I've got goblets and I wake up in the morning happy.
CASEY: - Miller... Your nipples are just looking right at me. What the fuck, man?
Uh, thanks for nothing. OK.
PJ Brill, you fucking weirdo. CASEY: - Let's get out of here.
Have some beer, have some milk.
I'll try to get iPods for you guys next time. That'd be great, right?
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) This is bullshit.
You don't think Jeff Chang actually tried to kill someone, do you?
No, I don't. I think Jeff Chang is fine. I think everything is fine.
Look at that asshole. Yeah, what an idiot.
Wait. Is that Jeff Chang? MILLER: - What is he wearing?
CASEY: Oh, my God, he's drinking again.
Fuck me! Move.
Jeff Chang! We're coming! Put the bottle down, buddy!
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHATTERING)
Yeah! (LAUGHING) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Mommy, look at me dance! Look at me dance!
Look at me dance!
Holy shit! Oh, my God.
Suck my dick, bear!
Suck my motherfucking dick, bear!
Hey, chipmunk, hey, I'm one of the good guys.
We're gonna get you some clothes, OK?
It's all gonna be OK.
You'll never catch me alive.
Fuck! (UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)
(SHRIEKING) I'm gonna kick his ass!
We're not gonna kick your ass! We do need you to come back, though!
(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
(POLICE SIREN CHIRPS) Whoo!
Oh, shit! Lookit...
It's the big bad po-po! Get down, sir.
Get down immediately.
What are you doing, sir? I think he's getting down.
Yeah, I know, I see that. I'm just saying, technically, he's doing what you asked him to do.
What the fuck?
OK, sir, please remove yourself...
He's our friend! (TIRES SCREECHING)
What the hell is this?
Dr. Chang! Hi. What are you... Hey.
It's so good to see you, man! Great to see you.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR) Where's my son?
He's home. He's in bed. He's sleeping.
Why don't I believe you? Because you're suspicious and mean?
I'm sorry. Yeah, touch my fucking ass, dude!
Come on! OK. OK. (JEFFCHANG LAUGHING)
Hey! Why are you asking about Jeffrey? ls everything OK?
I have reason to believe that the three of you have been out drinking.
What? No. We put Jeff to bed at like nine o'clock, right, Miller?
Yeah, we watched Cold Case, made paninis and then went to bed.
Yeah, then Miller and I came out for a drink, or nine. (LAUGHS)
Your parents must be so proud of you.
Get him! Free OJ!
Free the dolphins! Hm...!
Fuck you, cop!
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God. Fuck.
Oh, you kids today.
Every one of you is spoiled, drunk and fat!
Oh, my God, right? Thank you, sir.
Appreciate it. CASEY: - Look.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Miller, look. Fuck that!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Here are tonight's winners.
CASEY: I feel like someone should break those two up, right?
Do you see your friend or what?
No, is there anywhere else you might have taken him?
Jeffrey Reginald Chang? Yeah.
Ooh... What? What is it?
They've taken him to Health Services.
What does that mean? I wouldn't want to speculate.
Look, I'm sure he's OK.
No, he's not OK, Miller. He could be in a coma.
You understand that? No, yeah. Absolutely.
All right, how do we get to Health Services?
You're gonna wanna go... I can take you.
Who are you? Why is she wearing an orange vest?
I'm Cara. I'm a campus security escort.
Why don't you come with me? Of course you are.
I will come with you. Casey. What?
She's an escort. Whatever. She not that kind of escort.
No, I love the name Cara. In fact, my mother's name is Cara.
Your mother's name is Beth. Everybody knows that.
Yeah, but I call her Cara, sometimes.
But, Cara, where are your people from? Italy?
Whoa... ladies... Whoa, whoa, whoa...
A lot of Latinas. Ladies, let's just talk about this.
(WHISPERS) What the fuck? What the fuck, dude?
MILLER: - Where the fuck are we? CASEY: - I don't like this.
What are you freaks looking at? Why are we here?
What the fuck is going on right now? I don't want to be here.
Why aren't you guys saying anything? Holy shit, dude.
We are shackled. Why are we shackled?
Why are you wearing a fucking tube sock?
Why are you wearing a sock?
They match. Whose socks are these? We are so fucked.
WOMAN: Welcome to the Tribunal of Justice.
WOMAN: These two men stand accused of infiltrating our sacred home, violating the dignity of two of our pledges, and destroying our award-winning rose garden.
Look, if I could just respond to all that...
What sayest the sisterhood? ALL: - Guilty as charged!
MILLER: OK, look, in our country, America, usually there's like a trial and some evidence and shit!
You're not just guilty. The punishment shall match the crime.
The aggrieved may enter the circle of vengeance.
The circle of what? Hold on. Holy shit, look who it is.
Holy shit, these chicks are gonna tear us up.
WOMAN: - Assume the position. Wait, actually, you know what?
I didn't even spank them. That was all him. I wasn't even...
What are you...? Fuck you, dude. I'm sorry.
Punishment grows more severe every second you delay.
Ready, sister? Ready.
WOMAN: Assume the position.
OK, OK, OK. Oh, my God.
OK, Chantelle, I have a rare skin condition on my upper thighs, so if you could just avoid that area.
Oh, yeah, totally. Thanks, Chantelle.
I'll totally watch it while I just...
Oh, my God, holy shit!
Oh, my God! BOTH: - Ow! Ow!
CASEY: You just had to fuck with these girls, didn't you?
(WOMEN CHUCKLING) Holy shit!
Yeah, when a lady asks you to spank her ass, you spank that ass!
Oh, great. You know what? You are fucking unbelievable, man!
It's called having manners, Casey! Fuck my face!
Enough. Turn around.
CASEY: It hurts. It hurts.
Look, Goat Mask Lady...
I mean, like, we're really sorry. Yeah.
We're just trying to get our friend Jeff Chang home.
Justice has been served... Oh, thank God.
...for the first offense.
What? To address the second offense, the offenders will now commence making out.
Oh, fuck! Yeah, right. What?
You guys really don't want to see that.
That's a joke, that's disgusting. You're weird.
WOMAN: The longer you wait, the longer the kiss.
Look, there's no way I'm kissing him. Yeah I'm sorry, that's just...
All those who want to see the offenders kiss, stomp your feet. (ALL STOMPING)
That's unfair! Clearly we're outnumbered.
MILLER: Yeah, OK, look, you guys can stomp your feet all you want, there's no way I'm making out with a dude!
Do it. Or be forever branded with the mark of the sisterhood.
CASEY: Holy shit.
Dude, I can't get branded.
I'm gonna like not be able to get buried in a Jewish cemetery or...
Fuck it, dude.
I just... I wish you were wearing more than a tube sock, but fuck it, baby.
I really wish you didn't call me baby.
Tongue? Of course, tongue.
Really? You had to fucking ask for tongue?
I'm sorry, that was stupid.
Oh, grab his boobie. You never even did that.
Do it, offender.
Dude, are you getting a chubby right now?
Dude, I can't help it. You're actually kind of a good kisser.
You know what? I'm fucking done.
None of that ever happened. Ever.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
We need to find some clothes, man.
We'll get some at Health Services.
Thanks, dude. Hey.
CASEY: All right, it's already 6:00 a.m.
We gotta hurry up and get Jeff Chang.
MILLER: Dude, if I walk any faster my sock's gonna fall off.
This is all your fault. What?
You made Jeff Chang go out, got him wasted, you fucked with the Latin sorority girls, you pulled a gun out on Randy.
OK, look, you cannot pin all this on me, Casey.
You're the reason why we are currently walking through campus at six in the morning wearing only socks on our cocks!
OK. I'm sorry for trying to show you guys a good time.
You know what, man, we're done. OK? When this is over don't e-mail me, don't text me, don't call me... Whoa!
...don't poke me... you and me are fucking over!
Oh, and another thing, Sidewinder sucks!
Take it back.
It's hot, it's dirty, the people are gross, and half the acts are fucking DJs.
Why would I want to spend a week of my life watching some asshole in a pink track suit play his fucking iPod for me?
Because your friends are gonna be there...
I'm not going to some stupid fucking music festival just to preserve the illusion that we're still friends because we're not.
We're not still friends anymore, Miller.
OK. It's cool, man.
So since we're not friends, I can tell you how fucking lame you've been.
I can tell you that you probably should go to Wall Street and that you should spend the funnest years of your life in an office.
Working for the man, wearing a cute little suit.
It's called growing up, dude. Why don't you look into it?
I don't need to grow up, bro, you need to grow down.
That's not even an expression! Well, today it is! OK?
Do you remember what it's like to have fun, to be cool, to give a shit about your friends?
You've changed. Oh, my God.
You don't have fucking balls anymore. You're a little bitch.
Well, you know what, man? You're just the fucking same desperate, low-life, fucking loser that you've always been. Yeah?
Yeah. So fucking kudos to you, man! Don't fucking push me. Don't start...
You're a fucking dick, dude! Fucking white trash!
Fucking hands off! (BOTH GRUNTING)
Yeah, take it, bitch!
CASEY: - Fucking asshole! MILLER: - Could fight...
You fight like a girl. (GRUNTING)
(OFFICE PHONE RINGING)
WOMAN: Health Services, how can I direct your call?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA)
WOMAN: I'll call you back.
Mental Health, third floor.
You're hilarious. We're hereto pick up our friend.
Name of patient?
Jeffrey Reginald Chang.
Plus if you had any clothes, that would be greatly appreciated.
He's here. Let me get his file.
MILLER: And if you could please hurry up, we're in a rush here.
Thank God I don't know anyone at this school.
Um... where are your clothes?
We just got jumped by some girls. It's a long story.
I bet. What are you doing here?
Um... Randy got mauled by a buffalo, remember?
Right, yes! How is that guy?
He's fine, I guess. Yeah?
I mean, I came over hereto check on him and he got all agro on me again.
And then, I got pissed and we broke up.
So, we're pretty much done.
Are you OK? Yeah, Oh, it's fine.
I mean, we weren't really that serious.
But, still, I mean... Yeah, it was a long time coming.
...it looks like I'm going to South America by myself now, so...
Oh, right, the trip. Hm-mm.
I'm sorry. Oh, no, I'm still going.
Yeah, my flight leaves in a few hours, so...
...I guess this is goodbye.
Can I go with you? No thanks, I'm good.
OK, well, whenever you're not good, I'll be right here, reading Perfect Bride.
What, I can't read Perfect Bride, bro?
I'm sorry, Jeffrey Chang is on 24-hour hold.
He can't be released until tomorrow morning.
What? No, he's gotta be home by 7:00 a.m.
Why is he on hold? (SIGHS) It's confidential.
Oh, it's confidential, Casey. Give me that.
Hey! Give that back immediately! Give me that! You, stop!
My God, look how many times he's been in here, man.
Give that back to me, you little shit!
Oh, my God.
"Patient was brought in for attempted murder.
Later determined his weapon misfired during a suicide attempt."
Jeff Chang tried to commit suicide?
Get out. Now!
Dude, what the fuck is going on?
I mean, Jeff Chang was always the happy one.
What were we supposed to do? He didn't tell us anything.
Dude, look, fuck that. OK?
We are his best friends, and he felt like he couldn't even call us.
What happened, man?
We used to be so close and...
Thanks, Erin. No problem, Gary. See you next time.
Jesus, not The Chief again.
What's up, Chief?
Oh, hey, dudes. How was your night?
Pretty terrible, actually. Tell me about it.
I ripped two sheets of LSD and spent the whole night dancing in front of my house again.
Now I gotta go teach.
Wait. Did The Chief just say he was dancing in front of his house the whole night?
Yeah, so what? That's it!
What's it? Oh, my God, that's it!
What's it? What are you talking about?
OK. So, the first time we saw The Chief was in front of Jeff Chang's place, right?
And then we saw him like nine more times.
Right, and we thought that he was just wandering around campus all night, just like we were. But what if he wasn't?
What if The Chief was in the exact same place the entire time?
Then that would mean we walked past Jeff Chang's place a dozen times.
Oh, my God! Yes, and that's why Jeff Chang kept mumbling those Indian chants.
It was because he was trying to tell us where he lived.
It's like The Da Vinci Code except it makes sense.
Oh, my God, we are officially the two biggest morons in the entire world.
Yeah. Hey, Chief, where do you live?
Um... Fifth and Broadway. Fifth and Broadway.
All right, so wait, here's what we gotta do.
We gotta break Jeff Chang out. Break him out.
Get him home, gotta get him sober... Sober him up.
...and then we gotta get him showered and dressed before his dad shows up, which is in 36 minutes.
That sounds totally impossible. Yeah?
Well, I'm not gonna let Jeff Chang down again.
No, let's get that little fucker home.
Wait, wait. Are we best friends again?
No. Right. No, I'm not either.
(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYS)
Hey, hey, you can't be in here!
Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang!
Jeff Chang! God, God!
(INDISTINCT PA CHATTER)
Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang!
Have you seen a little Asian with shit on his face? No? Thank you.
Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang!
CASEY: - Hey, he's in here! MILLER: - Nice!
We're gonna break you out, buddy.
Jeff Chang! He's barely coherent.
Man, how're we gonna get him outta here?
There's like orderlies everywhere!
Casey. I just had an awesome idea.
This is definitely not an awesome idea.
MILLER: It'll be fine. I've done this a thousand times.
CASEY: No, that's what you said last time.
Hey, you gotta trust me. Now bring him a little to the left. OK.
No, no, we gotta pull him back up.
MILLER: That's the Spirit Mobile. It's super tall.
I don't like this ride, guys. CASEY: - No, it's too far down!
Pull him back up! OK. You're right. Let's pull him up.
Oh, shit! Miller!
Oh, my God! Did we just kill Jeff Chang again?
Where's...? Where's the Spirit Mobile? I don't know. It was right here.
Oh, no. Did they drive off with Jeff Chang on it?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I thought it was only 20 feet. How am I supposed to know?
Come on, guys. Get in. We're late.
What the fuck? Randy, look!
It's the guys who stole your smart phone.
Fuckers. Why are they taking your truck, Randy?
Get out of the Spirit Mobile! Oh shit! Go, go, go!
Go! You're dead!
(RAP SONG PLAYING) (TIRES SQUEALING)
Bitch. Hey, what was that all about?
Don't worry about it, just drive, drive, drive.
How'd you even start the car? The keys were in the ignition.
Fuck! I'm so late. My dad's gonna kill me.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
(RAP SONG CONTINUES)
Hey, why is there a teddy bear glued to my penis?
No idea, no idea how that could have happened.
I miss you guys.
How come we never hang out anymore?
Wrong lane, wrong lane! Wrong lane!
(SCREAMING) You're in the wrong lane! (HONKING)
Oh, my God, Jeff Chang, you're fucking crazy right now!
I feel really alert right now.
I feel like Spider-Man. What?
I just really wish I had my contacts on.
Oh, my God! Fuck!
Parking meter, parking meter, parking meter...!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh, my God, Oh, my God...
Oh, shit! What are you doing? What are you doing?
(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)
(RAP SONG CONTINUES) (JEFFCHANG LAUGHING)
Hit the brake, dude. Dude, hit the brake! Hit the brake!
No, stop! Dude, do it!
Get off! (TIRES SQUEALING)
Ow! (INDISTINCT SHOUTS)
Look, I don't want to die. I want to go back to college.
I want to go to Alaska, I want to make out with a black chick!
I wanna fuck Casey's sister! What?
You dropped out of school? Yeah!
Why would you do that, Miller?
Turn around and drive the car, please!
Oh, my God, we're going to jail. We're going to jail.
I can shake them, no problem. No, don't shake them.
Don't shake them! (TIRES SQUEALING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Whoa!
CASEY: We're not on the street anymore. This is not where cars go.
Cars don't go here. Cars don't go here, Jeff Chang!
Oh, my God. Are your eyes open?
Fuck you. I can't tell.
Oh, no. Oh, my God. Out of my way, nerds!
Hey, did you see that guy?
Casey, we need to neutralize the target
'cause he doesn't know what the fuck's going on right now.
Come on, guys. MILLER: - Shit, shit, shit.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be driving.
(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)
It's 6:51, we have nine minutes to clean him up before his dad gets here.
Guys, my back hurts.
Yeah, we threw you out a third-story window onto a SUV.
What? Why would you do that? MILLER: - You told us to.
JEFFCHANG: Why would I say that?
MILLER: Because we're your best friends. We love you.
CASEY: Get him in the house! Get him in!
What do we do about the bear?
I don't know, man, just fucking hold him or something.
Oh, my God. Let's go.
Holy shit! What are you doing? Pull harder.
I don't want to rip his dick off! I don't want that either!
Fuck you! Seriously, pull harder, dude!
I don't know, man, Jeff Chang has a super stretchy penis!
Pull harder, dude! I'm trying to!
(JEFFCHANG SCREAMS) Fucking come on!
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!
Dude, we just circumcised Jeff Chang.
Who cares? Get him in the bathroom. Come on, buddy!
Dude, I can't believe we actually pulled this off.
Yeah, of course we did, man, we're fucking awesome.
Small arms. Whatever. Come on.
There we go. I don't know if I can do this.
What are you talking about? Yeah, what do you mean?
I mean, like, I don't know if I want go to med school or be a doctor or any of it.
Now you fucking tell us? CASEY: - Miller, shut up.
No, dude, are you serious? I fucking kissed a guy for you!
Yeah, I kissed Casey. It was fucking gross.
Yeah. Miller, shut up.
What? CASEY: - Let him talk.
Look, I'm sort of losing my shit up here.
We heard that you tried to off yourself.
Miller, really? What?
Why'd you do it, man? I didn't.
So then, what...? I mean, I did, sort of. I...
I was up for 72 hours studying. I was cracked out on pills.
I was literally hallucinating in my room, but I didn't actually try to...
Right. I do weird shit when I hallucinate too.
You know? The doctors say I'm not suicidal.
They just think I'm fucking stressed out of my mind.
I mean, you guys know my dad. Yeah.
Yeah. He's been riding me my whole life to go to med school and be a doctor, but I hate medicine.
I suck in science. I'm fucking miserable.
So, don't do it. Yeah. Fuck it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Oh, shit, he's here. What should I do?
Honestly, I think you have to tell him the truth, man.
I think that's pretty obvious to everybody in this room.
You gotta tell him the truth. Oh, my God, you guys are so white.
What? Dude, that's really racist.
Yeah. White people have feelings too, man.
I can't just tell him the truth.
I come from like five generations of doctors. I'm the first-born son.
This is what's expected of me.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) Fuck!
Dude, it's the rest of your life, man. Stop being such a fucking pussy.
He's your dad, dude. He'll understand.
I promise. Yeah.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Whoo! (ALL YELLING)
Holy shit! What the fuck?
You just got rocked, boy!
You OK, buddy? What?
Bat me. That was so hot, Randy.
Look, man, we're sorry that we stole your truck, but like, calm down, man.
Oh, no, this isn't about my truck. (ALL SHOUTING)
OK! OK! Chill, chill!
Oh, that lamp will never work again, Randy!
Yeah! OK, OK, OK, what is this about?
Is this about your phone? Right, OK, we're sorry, Randy, that we stole your truck and your cell phone.
This ain't about my phone neither. Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's my fucking boom box, man.
What is it about? Is it about Nicole? Calm down!
Oh, my God, you didn't even close with Nicole.
Yeah, but I was really close, right?
No, there's no such thing as almost fucking his girlfriend.
You either fucked his girlfriend or you didn't.
Stop talking, assholes! He didn't fuck your girlfriend!
No, no, no, no. He didn't fuck your girlfriend!
That's what I'm saying. Is this a joke?
I almost... I almost did.
Then you've almost fucked every girl you know.
This is not about my truck or my phone...
...or... my... girl!
That's my laptop! Fuck your laptop!
Get a desktop, bitch!
You know what? This is definitely about the dart in the face.
Honestly, I completely forgot about the dart in your face. Are you OK?
He's had a really rough night too. Shut up!
Come on, Randy! Do what I said, fuck me in the ass, Randy!
I mean, fuck them in the ass! Just...
What... The hell is going on here?
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Who the fuck is this guy? Hey.
I'm Jeffrey's father. Who the fuck are you?
He's Randy. That's Randy.
OK, Randy... I'm here to take my son to his interview.
Well, he's not going with you, so why don't you just get the fuck outta here?
Oh, no, he's definitely coming with me.
Look, old man... don't make me beat you in front of your son.
I wouldn't do that.
(GRUNTING) (ALL SHOUTING)
Holy shit! Shit!
(GRUNTING) ALL: - Whoa!
That's what fucking happens, man.
(GROANS) Oh, your dad's a dick. Oh, my arm.
You should probably stay down.
OK, you need to tell him that you don't want to be a doctor right now.
I don't think this is a good time.
Just fucking tell him. No. You tell him.
No, no, no. I'm not fucking telling him.
You fucking tell him. You fucking tell him.
MILLER: - You're not a pussy. JEFFCHANG: - I am a pussy.
MILLER: - Tell him right now. Let's go, Jeffrey.
MAN: Holy shit...
No, I'm not going.
What the hell are you talking about?
I don't want to go to med school.
I don't want to be a doctor. Jeffrey.
I'm not... No, I'm not a kid anymore, Dad.
I'm 21 years old and... from here on out, I'm gonna decide what I do with my life and that's that.
What are you gonna do? Throw me off a roof? These guys already did that.
I get it.
See, I told you he'd understand, man. I get it.
You're even dumber than I thought.
Get in the goddamn car, Jeffrey. No. No.
You ungrateful little shit. Dad!
I can't believe I raised a worthless piece of shit like you...
Oh, shit! Dude, what?
That's my friend! Miller! Miller!
That's my friend, dude. Just calm down.
Why don't you just leave?
(DOOR SLAMMING) Yeah, you just punched my dad in the face.
I know. It felt good, though.
My dad's a dick, too.
I, uh... I'm sorry I broke your apartment.
What the fuck is this?
(SIGHS) Just listen to your heart.
Listen to your heart. Yeah. All right, man. OK.
Nice apology, Randy. That was heartfelt, Randy.
MAN: - See ya, guys! (DOOR CLOSING)
Who are those guys? Those guys are the weirdest guys.
They're so weird. Yeah.
MILLER: - Dude, another good birthday. Yeah.
So, what are you gonna do now?
God, I don't know. You know, I can do whatever the fuck I want.
You know, for once in my life, I don't have to do what other people tell me.
I'm just gonna travel and write music again and...
Fuck it. You know, I'm just gonna live my life.
I'm glad you guys came.
Seriously, thanks for being such good friends.
Me and Casey will always be there for you.
I gotta go. What?
Sorry, just... I'll call you. Yeah, way to ruin the moment, dick!
Love you guys! Good job standing up to your dad, Jeff Chang!
My fucking dick hurts. (CHUCKLES)
(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYS)
Nicole, Nicole! Wait, wait. No, no, no! Stop, stop!
Don't go! Don't...
God damn it! Fuck.
Why are you yelling at my roommate?
Hey. I lent her my car while I'm traveling.
Oh, that's great.
Was there something you wanted to ask me?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
MILLER: God, look at all these freaks. I love this!
All right, guys, but seriously, tomorrow at 9:00 a.m., I have my big admissions interview at Northern.
So don't let me get too stupid.
I'm so psyched you're going back to college, dude.
Yeah. But seriously, don't let me get too messed up. It's really important to me.
Of course, man. OK.
We'll take care of you, dude. Yeah.
You're our little baby tonight.
MILLER: Shit, shit, shit!
Shit, I am so fucking late!
Ooh! I am so sorry that I'm late, this is not like me.
This is actually very unprofessional.
You would not believe what happened to me last night.
I've been taking my academics really serious lately so this is a shock to me.
But I'm very serious about this university, I want you to know that.
You know, I'm just trying to... Oh, hey, man, how you doin'?
No way. Oh, my God! Chief!
(LAUGHS) Dude, you look like shit!
(UP-TEMPO ROCK SONG PLAYS)