28 Days (2000) Script


Oh, God, it's a fire! Oh!


Oh! A jackhammer? On Saturday?

JASPER: He should be castrated.


Sat... Oh, God. Oh, God, it's Saturday.

Get up! Get up!

Get up, get up, get up, get up!

My sister's gonna kill me.

Oh, my God, what did we do last night?

JASPER: Oh, the usual.

Collecting money for the poor little homeless children at the church bazaar.

I think the vicar must have spiked the Kool-Aid.

Ah! We are way late!

What am I going to tell my sister?

Is this yours or mine?

Oh, my God, how did that happen?

-I haven't a clue. -Ah, well, there's my excuse.

I'm late because my tits caught on fire.

Come on!


Find a cab! Taxi! Taxi!

JASPER: Hey, cab! Hey! GWEN: Right there! Get him! Get him!

JASPER: Hey! Over here! GWEN: Can you go a little faster, please?

Fast and alive. Alive, all right?

Jesus. The alive part is incredibly important in this case.


You all right, darling?

-Oh, God. I could care less. -Well, that's the whole point, isn't it?

-Right, to care less. -To care less.

Oh! Oh! Hey!

This is tasting like cherry brandy, because I haven't got her a gift.

-GWEN: Thank God for bar cars.

You're late!

Jasper, this is, uh... A bridesmaid with, uh, makeup and a dress.

Really late. Like, 45 minutes.

She has absolutely no sense of humor, but she's really good at telling time.

I am so sorry. There was a water main break and the train got stuck in Rye.

A little electrical thingy, you know, and just, explosion.

-You know, I don't know... -Gwen.


You make it impossible to love you.


EMCEE: May we present Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Topton?

-Like one? -Ooh. Ooh.

But didn't you think it was a pretty wedding?

'Cause I thought it was a really pretty wedding.

Didn't you think it was a pretty wedding?

Yeah, but no one wants pretty anymore from a wedding.

They want a scandal. They want to take home a story.

Oh. Try these.

Come on. This is a party. Let's have some fun with it, for God's sake.

Okay, hold on. Let me just...


-Oh, my God! -Oh, what happened?

-You! -Oh, I'm...

Could you crank it up a little? Liven everything up.

-Yeah. -Sure.

-Is there... -There's a ladies' room...

BAND SINGER: * Well it's Saturday night and I just got paid

* Fool about my money don't try to save

* Heart says go, go have a time on Saturday night

* And I'm feeling fine Gonna rock it up

* I'm gonna rip it up Whoa! Whoa! Ow.

* Gonna fall in love

* Gonna rock it up have a ball tonight *

GWEN: Whoo!

* Got me a date and I won't be late

* Picked her up in my 88

* Shag on down to the Union Hall when the joint starts jumping

* Gonna rock it up Gonna rip it up

* Gonna shake it up gonna fall in love

* Gonna rock it up have a hall tonight *

Uh, don't worry. I'll replace it. Okay?

I'll be right back.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, lady! Hey, lady, what are you doing?

Cake store. Cake store. Cake store.

-OPERATOR: This is Helga. What city, please? -Helga?

Yes, um, Bedford. A cake store.

Lady, if I knew the name, I wouldn't have called you, okay?


Ah! Ooh. Ooh...

Oh, God! Get out.

GWEN: Oh, this is perfect.

Later on this afternoon...

BETTY: All right, everybody. Now, circle up.

That's it. Come on.

ALL: Together, we're better! We're better, together!

No drugs!

-Yeah, is it real? -I need a cigarette.

-Hello? -That judge totally screwed me.

-Hey, good morning! -GWEN: This place is horrible.

I should've picked that rehab center in the city.

-People chant. -They do what?

They chant here. They chant.

They think I'm chanting, they have a whole 'nother think coming.

Well, come on, it could be worse. Could be prison.

Oh, that's worse?

Well, you know, you never hear of anyone being raped with a plunger in rehab.

Well, no, you don't hear about it because they cover it up.

-It's not funny! -Yeah, it is...

Excuse me. Talking.

Uh, no cell phones.

Gwen C, I'm Betty. Follow me.

We carry our own bags here. This isn't the Sheraton.

Oh, glass. In case I slit my wrists. I get it.

An eyelash curler.

And what am I gonna do with that? Stab myself? Curl my tongue to death?

All right. Betty, was it?

Betty, while you're going through my stuff, let's say, uh, we see what Betty's got in her drawers.

Oh, my God. Betty has locked her drawers. Why would...

What? It's for my back pain.

All these things will be returned to you when you check out.

Except for the Vicodin, which will be flushed.

-Smile! -It's "Vicodin".

No phone calls, except during posted phone time and then only for 10 minutes.

No fraternization. That's romance and/or sex between patients.

Oh, and we chant here.

Don't be put off by it. It's just some people prefer it to the serenity prayer.

ALL: * I'll be your friend

* I'll help you carry on

* For it won't be long

* Till I'm gonna need somebody *

Your room.

You're responsible for keeping it clean.

Andrea, this is Gwen. Settle her in.

-Do you watch Santa Cruz? -Pardon me?

Santa Cruz. It's my soap.

They only let us watch TV at night, so I've missed, like, the last two weeks.

Hey, an intellectual.

Like the stuff you were doing to get you in here was real brain food.

Everyone, uh, Parker House people, this is Gwen.

-Gwen, this is everybody. ALL: Hi. Hello, Gwen.

-Hey, Gwen. -Hi.

I'm thinking booze.

-Cocaine. -Painkillers.

-This is not a nice game. -Well?

Well, what?

Oh, um, what's your drug of choice?

Alcohol, cocaine, Percodan, heroin, glue?

I have to pick just one?

Your gateway drug. What you go for first.

I guess I drink.

-DANIEL: Oh! -Yes. Come to Papa.

Hand them over. I know people. You gotta admit that.

Get your thumb out of that one.

What's the matter?

Haven't you ever seen a trach scar before? Hmm?

It's a tracheostomy, okay?

It's not a growth. It's not a deformity. It's a scar.

So you can stop staring at it.

Okay, good. Thank you.

I don't think she was staring, Daniel.

Oh? And how would you know, faggot?

GWEN: Oh, jeez.

You're about as perceptive as Helen Keller.

Actually, Danny-boy, when you think about it, Helen Keller was pretty perceptive.

Oh, shut up!

-Aw, look at him walk away! -Bye-bye.

Run away! Run away!

* We were up in heaven

* Now we're in the mud

* We fell off the wagon You should have heard the thud *

-I like your coat. -Thank you.

-Is that leather? -Yes.

-Not vinyl? -Nope.

-You believe in killing animals? -Yes.

-For clothing? -Absolutely.

* -So do I. For 28 boring days *

Don't worry about Daniel.

He's just all self-conscious about that neck thing 'cause he did it to himself.

He had this thing at night where he'd actually pump his own stomach so he wouldn't get a hangover.

I guess he knew how, 'cause, you know. I mean he's a doctor. Or was.

He lost his license after he killed that patient, but...

Anyway, guess one night while he was scraping that tube down to his stomach, somehow he screwed up and he couldn't breathe and he had to actually

poke a hole in his throat with a pen or something.

Oh, and Jasper, see if you can dig up some more Vicodin before you come.

The Gestapo found my first batch.

That whole here-but-not-here illusion will be much easier to sustain with a little chemical help.

Love, Gwennie.

Good night.

Good night.

Chocolate. Heroin addict.

What are you, like, 12 or something?


Okay. Loving this. Good night.

MOM: * Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Was a good friend of mine

* I never understood a single word he said

* But I helped him a-drink his wine

* And he always had some mighty fine wine

* Singing joy to the world You girls are a lot of fun.

And that's the most important thing.

Because if you're not having fun, peanuts...

What's the frigging point?

Oh, God.

ALL: You can keep your drugs and your whiskey sours.

We got us a higher power!

Yay, God!

BETTY ON PA: Don't forget tonight's lecture at eight-thirty:

"How Many Brain Cells Did I Kill Last Night?"

-Decaf. -Yeah, there's no caffeine. It's mood altering.


There was a nice little moment there. Where you going?

What do you mean you don't have cigarettes? You gotta have cigarettes.

I'm sorry, but we're fresh out.

Lady, the people out there are addicts, okay? They need cigarettes like they need air.

Well, I guess that explains it, then.


It wasn't a problem till, uh, Emmett... He took up with that girl.

Those nights that he was out with her, and I was home with the TV.

See I figured we could see it through.

So when he said he was moving her in with us and that I could stay or leave...

I see now I should have left.

I've got something...

When you...

-Maybe later? You wanna do it later? -Sure. I think, -Yeah. -Okay.

Why did you...

It's okay. Can you... Some feeling words in there, or?

-Uh, you know? -I...

-I don't know how to explain it. -Okay. All right.

Okay, well, that... That's a good start. It's a good start.

-We'll do it another time. It's all right. -Uh-huh.

Okay. So let's... Let's finish up today with a prayer, all right?

Let's all hold hands.

ALL: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It works if you work it!

It's worth it!

-EVELYN: All right! All right. -Yeah!

EVELYN: Take on the day. Go ahead.


Hey, Gwen C!

Your bed was not made up, your clothes were all over the place.

I'm giving you an F for daily inspection and fining you a dollar.

So pay up.

Tell you what.

Here's five dollars. I don't plan on cleaning all week.




-How you doing? -Good.

Uh, look, I don't know how much money I have in my, uh bank account, but, uh, it's all yours if I could just bum one of those cigarettes.


They're Reds.

Thank you.

Been here long?


So, what's the deal here if somebody was looking for something with a little more kick than nicotine?

I mean, do people actually get stuff here, or is it, you know?

-It happens. -Mmm-hmm?

Yeah? I mean, how... How does it work? I mean, how can you get stuff?

I mean, can you... Can you get stuff, or is it, like?

You know if your counselor catches you using, you can get kicked out of here.

Oh, well I don't plan on discussing it with him.

Too late.

You know, generally, people come to rehab not to get loaded.

Yeah, well, I try not to run with the pack.

Oh, yeah, you're a real individual.

You're the only person in the world who does drugs and alcohol.

Look, I meant what I said out there.

You get caught using, you run the risk of getting kicked out.

Fair enough. We done?

And believe me, I'll know if you're using.

Are you always this charming?

Do you always use humor to deflect things when you're uncomfortable?

Well, do you always use insight to disarm your new recruits?

What's that?

-It's literature about your disease. -Oh.

AA big book, some worksheets.

That's a journal I want you to write in every day.

I suppose I have to do this.

What? You got better things to do with your time?

Hey, listen.

This isn't the last lousy day you're gonna have around here.

So just remember, God never dumps more on us than we can handle.

Oh, is that available stitched on a pillow somewhere?

BETTY ON PA: Tonight's lecture: "Are You A Blackout Drunk, "Or Don't You Remember?"

-Okay. -You going down?

My problem is my father just happened to, you know, watch Dateline, uh, the night they're doing some expose on, you know, Park Avenue drug users the night he caught me doing some blow in the bathroom.

But I don't have a problem. And I don't have health problems, either.

I play ultimate Frisbee two times a week.

And... And I'm you know, a patron of the arts, and diseases and cures and stuff.

That's what I'm spending my money on.

So I like to have a little bit of fun.

BETTY ON PA: "Adult Children Of Alcoholics" is moved to 9:00 p.m. in room A.

Co-deps starts at 8:00 p.m. in B.

CAs and NAs meet tomorrow, and overeaters, sexual addicts...

Who the hell do you have to know to get a drink around here?

GWEN: Oh, God. JASPER: Oh!

-Oh, my God, I love you so much. -Shh! Shh! Shh!

So where are all the celebrities?

Well, there are none. Can you believe it?

What? Oh come on.

Don't they know all anyone wants from rehab's a good coked-out star story?

Elizabeth Taylor, weeping in-group about how she never felt beautiful.

Never. Not one single day.

Now, that's the story they want.

-Come here. Come here, I'm gonna get you out of here. -I'm not supposed to leave.

You're not supposed to have Mummy's Little Helper

-in your pocket either. -Hold on, hold on, hold on.

-Okay, go! -BETTY OVER PA: There's a green Isuzu

-parked in a therapist's spot. -Be very, very quiet. I'm hiding.

Shh! Be very quiet.

GUITARIST: * Drunk men stagger Drunk men fall

* Drunk men swear and that's not all

* Quite often they will urinate outdoors

* Like widowed women drunk men weep

* -Oh, God! -Like children curled up drunk men sleep

* Like a dog a drunk will crawl around on all fours

* If you're broke bum or rich

* His dinner be it bread or cake

* His beverage be the worst of whiskey finest wine

* Puke, it stinks and so it seems

* That drunkards go to great extremes

* There's yet to be a perfectly straight line *

Hi, everybody.

So, what's the deal? I'm out?

Well, it'll take me a day to arrange your transfer. I have to make some calls.

I know where I wanna go. There's this place in the city that has...

I'm not referring you to a treatment facility.

I get to go home?


Well, where am I going then?

Your sentence was for twenty-eight days of rehab or jail time.

Oh, well. You don't honestly think I'm going to jail, do you?

No? For driving drunk, crashing into a house, knocking over a lawn jockey that could've been a four-year old child?

Yeah, but it wasn't. It was a four-year-old lawn jockey.

Hey, look, that's fine if this is all a big joke to you, but in here we have rules.

And I warned you about them.

Have your bags packed by tomorrow morning.

No, I'm not. 'Cause I don't belong in jail.

I don't even belong in here.

You know, yeah, I know I drink a lot.

I know I do because I'm a writer and that's what I do.

-We drink. -Hi, um, Cornell Shaw for Clancy, please?

I'm not like those people out there. I can control myself.

No, um, I'll hold.

I can. If I... If that's... If I wanted to, I could, if that's what I wanted.

I could.

I can.

I can!

You know what?

Forget that, Mr. Rogers, you twelve-stepping geek.

You know, I mean what do you know about me? Nothing. You don't know a...

You don't know a goddamn thing about me, you know that?

ALL: * Always tomorrow

* Lean on me

* -When you're not strong -Excuse me.

* -And I'll be your friend -Excuse me. Excuse me.

* I'll help you carry ALL: We're better together! No drugs!

ALL: Grant me the serenity

-to accept the things I cannot change... -Excuse me!

-Are you coming? -Uh, no.


CORNELL: Hi, my name is Cornell.

I am a drug addict, alcoholic, compulsive gambler/liar.

ALL: Hi, Cornell.

Uh, for those of you who are new tonight, I now that, uh, this is not your year.

If that'll make you happy, I will stop drinking.

And then, I would tell myself, "Tonight I will not get wasted."

And then something would happen.

Or nothing would happen.

And, uh...

I'd get that feeling, and you all know what that feeling is.

When your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking.

Uh, and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat.

And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn't dream of asking you to stay that way.

They would say, "Oh, jeez, I didn't know. Here.

"You know, it's... It's okay for you. You do that mound of cocaine.

"Have a drink. Have 20 drinks.

"Whatever... Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being

"you do it."

And, boy, I did it.

-Ow. -I drank, and I snorted, and I drank and snorted and drank and snorted.

And I did this day after day, after day after night after night.

And I, uh, didn't care about the consequences, because I knew that they couldn't be half as bad

-as not using. -Shit!

Oh, God!

And then one night something happened.

You know you're screwed.


CORNELL: I woke up.

I woke up on a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was.

I couldn't have told you the city I was in.

And my head was pounding, and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood.

And as I'm lying there, wondering what happens next, I heard a voice.

And it said, "Man, this is not a way to live.

This is a way to die."

Can I help you?

Eddie Boone, checking in.

You can't bring a girl into treatment with you, Eddie.

-Oh, God. -I wasn't gonna keep her.

You know what? You were really lucky you didn't break anything.

It'll be tender and swollen for a while.

-Oh. -Unfortunately, you're going to have to live with the pain because I can't give you anything.

So take these.


Listen, rest. Alternate heat and cold. Elevate...

You know your carpet is filthy.

And, I... I only bring that up because, uh, you know, carpet grit's responsible for a lot of major health problems and, you know, that's the last thing you need around here is a major health problem.

Uh, hey, um, listen, about the, um... about that, uh, jail thing. I... I can't.

I can't go, um, uh, well, not because I don't wanna go, but, um, it uh...

Oh, God, my hands. You know, they just keep doing that.

That's not normal. I just... There's something wrong with my hands.

Um, well, with me.

'Cause, uh... what kind of person just jumps out of a... What kind of person jumps out of window and, uh, you know, because she can't sit still, you know?

And be alone, and, you know, in a room without...

You know, a person should be able to just be alone, right?

You know human beings should be able to just breathe.

I can't breathe.

And I feel that... I think I know...

I think I know that if I go to jail like this, you know... I'll die. And, uh, I don't wanna die.

I don't like what's happening here.

Well, wait a minute, let's try to use a feeling word.

Um, I'm pissed!

Okay, pissed. Why?

Because no way should she be here.

-All right, but tell her. -No way should you be here!

That's right. There's a rule.

No using. You broke it.

-I'm sorry. -Sorry, my ass.

All you've done since you got here is sit around while the rest of us work our butts off.

-I realize that, and... -And now you expect us to be glad

-that they let you stay? -I'm not expecting anything.

Gwen, just listening. Everybody, feeling words.

I don't think you are giving.

I don't feel that you are giving person. I'm try...

-I'm trying! -I don't think you have niceness.

You see, I don't feel niceness coming from you.

Should I just go to another group?

Oh, that'd be a great idea. You could spread your negativity even further.

-Daniel. -You know, if you really try...

-Daniel. -...you could ruin the experience

-for the entire patient population! -Hey, Daniel! I am having a bad day! I am having the worst damn day of my whole damn life!

So if it is not too much to ask of you people, will you just back the fuck off?

Excellent work. Really excellent work.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Good sharing, everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, hey, hi. Hey.

Oh. I actually wanted to talk to you about, um, last night.

I don't normally do that, but you were great, -and... And, um... -Oh, my Lord.

You gotta be kidding me.


Promise me we were safe.

-We were what? -Safe.


You're not, like, uh, one of them paternity suit kind of gals, are you?

What are you talking about?

-Why? What are you talking about? -I'm talking about last night.

Well, yeah.

You don't remember last night, do you?

Well, I got a little drunk on the airplane.

Oh, well, of course you did.

Um, you know what? It was, uh nothing.

Just don't worry about it.

-We didn't... -Nope.

Thank God, boy, I mean...

You know what? That's, uh, that's more than enough, thank you.

No, I mean, nothing personal. I just made myself a little promise of no more ending up naked with some girl I don't even know what her name is.

That's a noble goal, and I wish you the very best of luck with it.

Cirrhosis is the ninth leading cause of death in the United States, and 45% of the time that is alcohol-induced.

Let's take a look at the first slide.

This could be your liver right now.

Do you have plans for dinner?

This is not a test about you and how you act in relationships.

It's called Equine Therapy.

Tennessee doesn't lie and manipulate.

He's just gonna respond to how you feel.

And your job is to clean his hoof.

-This is how one gets sober? -It's character revealing.

The way we approach the horse is supposed to be the way we approach the world or something.

And we gotta try and match our insides with our outsides here. Be real.

Oh, so our therapist today is a very large, smelly beast of burden.

We're totally in sync.

Step in, you breathe.

Couldn't stink more if he were dead.

And you reach down, pinch the tendon, trust yourself, and let the horse do the rest.

Who's gonna be first? Gwen?

-Think you might need some help? -Nope. I'm fine.

-Let yourself go. -All right, Mr. Ed, just pick up your stupid foot.

THERAPIST: Can't force it.

-Are you sure you don't need some help? -No, I'm fine.

All right, look, Cornell, just... Just, give me a pill, give me a shot, give me a, I don't know, give me a lobotomy.

Right, because instant gratification has worked so well for you in the past.

Just take it easy and keep it simple.

I am so tired by the way you people talk.

You know, I mean, "One day at a time." What is that?

I mean, like, two, three days at a time is an option?

I don't need the Romper Room bullshit. I just need...

-What are you doing? -It's a therapeutic tool.

You leave me no choice.

Betty, you gotta get me a new roommate. This guy stinks.

I mean, I don't know whether he's just eating beef and he's, like, secreting ketones out of every pore of his...

We're gonna come back to this, Betty.

I'm going to be back. We're in each other's lives, okay?

Hey, Gwen, Gwen, did you get a sign?

"Confront me if I don't ask for help."

Um, what kind of help are you looking for exactly?

Okay, Traci.

I want you to tell your mom, "When you do drugs, this is what happens." Okay?

When you do drugs, you don't do any fun stuff like you used to.

Be specific, Traci. What was fun?

Well when you played games with us and do puzzles.

That was fun.

-I have an idea.

You wanna tell your mom about the drawing, Darnell?

It's of me and Traci home late at night, and Mom's not there.

Now, tell your mom how that makes you feel when she's not there.


Beat you down.

-Great. -Oh, man! Not again!

DARNELL: I don't know. YOUNG GWEN: Mom, wake up.

-DARNELL: I don't know. -Mom...

-Hello! Wake up! -DARNELL: Sad, I guess.

DARNELL: Lonely.

-Hello? -No reaction.

DARNELL: Scared, worried.

I have an idea.


-She's fine. -She's up.


ALL: Hey, hey, what do you know?

Pills and booze have got to go!

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Sober is the only way!

-All right. -Whoo!

Good night, Eddie.

-Wait for me! -Beat you.

-Girls! -What?

-Aunt Helen, what are you doing here? -Where's mom?

I'm just gonna be straight with you.

Your mother has passed.

That's okay. Just slap her real hard, and she'll wake up.

Girls, this'll only be for a while until we figure out something more permanent.

-Hello? -Hey, it's me. Gwen.

Well, I know which "me" it is.

What is it? Oh, no, let me guess. You need money.

'Cause I'm not gonna give you any more money, Gwen.

I... Lil, I don't need money. I'm just... It's different this time.

Um, great. I'm glad to hear it, Gwen.

Hey, whatever happened to our fun-and-friendly sister rapport?

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?


Look, they make you...

-They're having a family week. -What?

A... Family sessions. They... They, um... work with us for a couple of days, they teach us how to talk to each other

-and then they supervise an actual conversation. -Uh, what?

You want me to come there, is that what you're saying?

They make you ask somebody, so it's either you or Aunt Helen.

So, uh, let me get this straight.

You screw up, and then I'm supposed to drop everything in my life and just...

They can... They can schedule it around, you know, what's good for you. So...

-Hello? -No, I'm... It's just...

You know, I'm cooking here, okay?

You know. I've got people coming over. I can't just...

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't mean, you know...

No, I mean, you never do. Gwen, you never mean anything.

I have to... I have to go.

Lil, look, I bet this one's really fast.

It's just a table, stupid. Leave it alone.

No, it's a sled.

Well, I'm not a fan of all soap operas, just Santa Cruz.

I mean it's just an incredible show. I saw it the first time, um, when I was in the hospital a while ago after I got out of my first rehab center.

There was this girl on the show who's Darian...

She was also hospitalized, and it was like I was staring at myself. I mean, not physically, 'cause I don't have the curly hair and stuff.

I mean, this whole thing had happened with her.

She had actually been impregnated by her brother, but, I mean, she obviously didn't know it was her brother at the time, and...

And I don't have a brother.

But I have sisters.

So it's really sort of, um, been an inspiration for me.

And it's really sort of helped me stay sober off and on.

-Mom, everything's okay. -Hi!

Hey, Andrea.

Hey, Daniel.

Daniel? Wanna give me one of those?

Get your own.

All right, then.

Hey, Gary, can I bum a cig?

There she is.

Hello, darling. How are you?

Ow. Ow. Ow! Christ!

-Oh, my God, what's that? -Hi, Gerhardt.

-Ah, nothing. -Well, you poor little thing.

What are they doing to you here?

-I fell. -Is that part of the therapy?

Ah, you poor baby.

I'll get you home, darling.

-Okay. -Listen, everyone's asking after you.

Like who?

Like, uh, Mrs. Lefkowitz from downstairs. Remember her?

-What, the non-talker? -Right. Five years, not a peep.

I'm crossing the lobby yesterday, she stops in her tracks, looks at me and says, "Thanks God you got rid of that girl. She's nothing but bad news."

-That's not funny. -Of course, it's funny.

No. Jasper, it's not.

Anonymous strangers thinking I'm bad news, that's not funny.

It is funny, believe me. Everyone I've told has laughed really hard.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, come on. You need cheering up. I'm taking you away.

-What are you doing? -Well, this'll cheer you up a bit.

Get away from these freaky people.

-You don't wanna be here? -Sorry.

Ow! God!

JASPER: Here, have some cheese.

No, have it on a roll.

Mmm, I don't want bread, I'm getting fat.

Come on, it's better with bread.

Not if I don't want bread, it's not.

All right, I'll have the bread. Just break it open for me.

-No. What is your problem? -Just break open the bread.

-This is a ring. -Yep.

What are you proposing or...

Yeah, I am.

At rehab.

No. I'm proposing to you now. You happen to be here.

Yeah, but, I don't know. I mean...

"Well, how did he ask?"

"Well, he came down to visit me in rehab, and, um..."

Okay, so it's not moonlight in Maui.

Where did you think we were gonna get married?

-McSorley's Pub? -Why not? Make a good story.

I don't need anymore stories. I have enough stories. I would like a life.

Well, I guess that was what I thought I was offering.

-What is that? -Champagne.

I brought it to go with the proposal, thinking, wrongly, this might be quite a romantic moment.

This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out!

I'm sorry. I'm just not taking this as lightly as I used to.

-Taking what? -This. This. This. This straighten-up-and-fly-right thing.

This... I don't know. I mean, maybe there is something wrong with me.

-Is that what they're telling you here? -No!

-No, yeah. It is. -Yeah.

-And you know what? I think they're right. -Well, they're not. Trust me.

You're just in a rut. It happens to everyone.

No, Jas. There's an entire world of people out there who do everything right.

They live right, they don't drink, they don't do drugs...

-That's a crock of shit. -...and they are happy.

They're not happy. No one adult human being is happy.

People are born they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy, but then inevitably, tragedy strikes, and they realize life equals loss.

The whole point of the game is to minimize the pain caused by that equation.

Now some people do it by having kids or making money or taking up coin collecting.

And others do it by getting wasted.

Letting that little switch in the head turn the hot light off and the cool light on.

Nobody gets hurt collecting coins.

-Everybody hurts everybody. It's the human condition!

Oh, come on, Gwennie. Don't let them tell you there's something wrong with you!

There isn't! You're fine!

I don't feel fine.

Well, of course you don't feel fine. You're in deliverance country surrounded by a bunch of sober freaks.

And you're not with me.

Come on. I don't feel fine these days either and I think that's because we're apart.

You're mine.

I'm yours.

I love you.

Why do you want me, Jasper? I am such a mess.

Maybe I like mess.

There's a time when you can share and you can hold hands and be on the same path.

But there's always a fork in the road at some point.

And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they gotta go on the other part of the fork.

Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward.

And they're like...

Or they got a salad fork, and you have one of the big dinner forks and you have longer to go but they're like, done, because that's it.

They're stuck on a piece of food that they...

Their dessert fork, or, like one of those, you know, small little shrimp forks or the crab forks when you're trying to get out a crab.

They're like that, and you're over here jumping through the huge serving fork or something like that.

Or a ladle, you know...

Hey, And.

Guess what?

Hey, goober.

What, you don't want to talk to me right now?

I only had, like, five pieces.

What are you doing?

Here, give me that.

-She didn't come. -Your mom?

I waited all day for her.

-I did my hair. -Yeah.

Well, honey, she probably had to you know, work or something like that.

No, she just hates me. I make her embarrassed.

She doesn't hate you. Here, hold on to this. I'm gonna go get someone...

-No, no! Don't tell anybody! -No, no. It's okay. We have to.

-It's very serious. -No, they'll take me to Psychiatric!

-They won't let me stay here! -Okay, okay, okay, okay.

-Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Please, I can't get kicked out again.

Okay, we're not going to go anywhere, all right?

All right, come on, why don't we, um...

-Why don't we go in the other room? Okay? -Okay. Mmm-hmm.

ANDREA: How did you do that?

-What? That? -Mmm-hmm.

Uh, it's pretty easy. You just take one of these.

Tear it in half.

Just so you know, I wasn't trying to off myself or anything.


It's just something I do sometimes.

Doesn't it hurt?

It feels better.

Than what?

Everything else.

Yeah, like that.

Then you try and slip them into the cracks like that.

Right there.

And is he a drunk?

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, then you'll have to say no.

It's just like Darian and Falcon.

He was addicted to gambling, and...

And even though she completely and completely loved him, she had to walk away.

Am I supposed to know these people?

From Santa Cruz.

-Ah. -It was more complicated for them, though, 'cause it turned out that they were actually half-brother, half-sister.

But Darian didn't know that when she found out about the gambling.

Uh-huh. Can't believe this is the advice I'm getting.

Yeah, well a show doesn't stay on the air for 18 years for being stupid.

BETTY OVER PA: Tonight's lecture: "I've Worked All Twelve Steps.

"Can I go home now?"

-Bus is here. -Thanks.

-Oh, my God.

Let's go, team! It's all about trust today.


Ooh. Come here.

Listen, um, uh, about last night. I really think, uh, you should tell somebody.

Oh, yeah. I already did.

Yeah, when?

This morning. I found my counselor, and I told her, and we talked about it. She's gonna help me out.

Hold on, hold on. You really talked to her?

No, I'm making it up.

We don't really have to climb this thing, do we?

Well, we don't know the whole story.

I think that we ought to hear her side before we go saying what's what.

Yeah. Guzzling Gwen!

What's up with the ring-in-the-roll guy?

-Who? -Your boyfriend!

Andrea, does the phrase "in confidence" mean anything to you?

-You never said not to tell. -GWEN: Oh, okay.

Gwen, I know better than anyone how important it is who you marry.

But, honey, just because somebody proposes that don't mean you have to say yes.

-Did someone propose to Gwen? -Her boyfriend.

-I thought Gwen was a lesbian. -I'm not a lesbian!

It'd be okay if you were, you know.

-Can we just talk about something else, please? -Uh-oh.

-When did all this happen? -Yesterday. On the lake.

Was it sunset?

Sunset by the lake is very romantic.

It was lunchtime, and he brought a picnic, -with champagne. -He brought champagne?

Oh, come on! We didn't drink it. I threw it overboard.

Well, it's not a very cool guy to bring you booze in rehab, huh?

Please, it's not his fault. He just doesn't' understand what I'm doing here.

If you were serious about getting sober, your love partner would know.

You must not be very committed to your recovery, huh?

-Ah! Oh, my God! Ah! -Sorry.

Aren't you supposed to be doing something right now?

-I gotcha. -I say you dump that guy.

Believe it or not, I can make this decision on my own, okay? I don't need your help.

That's not what your neck sign says.

Oh, forget what my neck sign says.

He doesn't know the first thing about me! Neither do you people!

You don't have to live my shitty little life.

And until you do, do not tell me to give up the one person that matters to me, okay?

Because I know he's not perfect, but he's the one person that'll show up on my birthday and he'll say, "I'm glad you were born!"

Ah! What is the matter with you?

-Just let go. Trust it. -Yeah. Trust it.

Oh, my God. Look at my package.

ALL: * Wherever I may roam

* On land or sea or foam

* You can always hear me singing this song

* Show me the way to go home *

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

BOBBIE JEAN: Is there a key to the ladies' room, please? Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Can I please have the key to the men's room?

-What? -Eddie Boone.

-What? -Eddie Boone!

Thank you.

Come on, come on, come on.

I need some paper, some pens.

-Dad, we need a napkin or something. -FATHER: All right.

FATHER: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Let me look.

-This is all I got. That's it. -Thanks, thanks.

Uh. There.

EDDIE: What's your name? ADAM: Um, my name's Adam.

DAN: And, I'm Dan. EDDIE: And Dan.

You pitched a no-hitter against the Braves on August the fourth.

Is that right? August fourth?

-August fourth. -Okay, Eddie, where's your car, man?

-I bet it's like, really cool. -My car?

Uh, you know what, guys? Uh, we gotta get home.

Say goodbye now.

EDDIE: Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Have a great season, Eddie.


BETTY: Mail call.

Oh, Charm Blossom. You know, this really isn't necessary.

Lining up the mail like some sort of bar graph to show the relative fullness of everyone's life.

-I know my life is empty, okay? -For you.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Watching game tapes? -Yup.

They're out of ginger snaps.


Well, it looks like your mail's more fun than mine.

-Do you want them? -You don't want them?

No. What did you get?

From my sister. She's coming to family sessions.

-Oh, that's good. -No.

I'd pay very good money not to hear what she has to say.

So, what's wrong with your balls?

So to speak.

So to speak, nothing. I just don't want them.

-Why not? -'Cause I don't.

You know in the world of philosophy, that's called a tautology.

Something is what it is because it is what it is.

Why is the sky blue? Because it reflects the ocean.

Why is the ocean blue? Because it reflects the sky. That kind of thing.

Who are you talking to?

I have no idea.

Man, I bet you can't sit still and be quiet for even one minute.

I can.


Oh, is this what we're doing now?

A little quiet contest? Okay.


Wait a minute.

-Hey. These are not game tapes. -Gwen, no, no, no. Wait.

-Oh, my God! -Let me have that!

-I know what this is! -DEIRDRE: Darian?

I can't believe you watch this!

-I wasn't... Santa Cruz watcher.

DARIAN: Don't make me do this, Falcon. Can't you see this is torture for me?

FALCON: Don't you know every moment away from your bed is another moment of hell for me?

-Um... -I'm sorry.

-No, it's fine. -No, I'm sorry, -I'm sorry. -No, no, it's totally fine.

DARIAN: Don't speak to me like this.

I always do that. I always do that.

You always do what?


Drugs, women. I mean, just leap before you think.

Not you. I mean...

What are you saying? What, you were trying to snort me?

DEIRDRE: Turn it off, Darian. That nice...

Yeah, maybe.

What a perfect opportunity to thank him for curing your cancer.

Oh, if I had known he was gonna save your life just to join it with his I would have preferred you died.

EDDIE: Pretty good show, once you...

Once you get to know everybody in it.

So who sent you all those balls?

-My agent. -Yeah?

He's trying to psych me up.

Oh, for next season?

Well, for there to be a next season. Yeah.

Why? You thinking about retiring?

I don't know. Might have to. I mean you gotta quit sometime.

I'm not 22 anymore.

Plus, you know, maybe a more normal life might be a little less pressure.

I understand. Marry a cute girl, move to the suburbs spend your weekends mowing... You'll never wanna do coke again.

DARIAN: Are you okay? FALCON: These headaches!

Darian? Darian? What the hell is he doing here?


Get an ambulance.

He has meligioma astrocytoma.

What is it?

A tiny little cluster of brain tumors.

-Tiny clusters? -He's very sick.

BETTY OVER PA: Attention all patients. Tonight's lecture:

"What's Wrong With Celebrating Sobriety By Getting Drunk?"

Hey. Give it to her.

Just give it to her.

Ah! Oh my God. How did you get this?

Guys, this is the soap opera that I watch.

You watch my soap?

-Yeah. -Eddie you surprise me.

I only work every fifth day.

How else am I supposed to do with my time?

Well, thank you very much.

Sometimes I like to read.

You know, literature? Stuff like that.

Your betting is what lost you your money and my respect.

I love you.

Mom, Dr. Griffin, what are you doing here?


We've come to tell you something about Falcon.

Darian, it looks like I may be carrying Falcon's child.

And what do you wanna bet that child turns out to have a gambling problem?

-Oh, no! -Ah!

It's just another tiny cluster.

Do something!

It's just a little tiny cluster. It'll be over in a minute.

He'll get over it. Falcon will be back, better than ever.

No, no, Falcon's leaving the show.

He's having brain clusters.

Maybe it's more than a little tiny cluster.

EDDIE: I hate that mother.

I love her.

-You do? -I think she's hilarious.

Okay. I want you to talk to Gwen, and be specific.

Pick one incident.

You ruined my wedding.

And when that happened, how did you feel?

How do you think it made me feel?

EVELYN: Tell her.

I'm trying to explain here, okay?

I mean, you asked me, so I'm just...

I mean, she shows up drunk, stumbles through the entire ceremony and after at the reception, she gets up and, in front of my friends, my new in-laws, she gives this toast

-that was completely... -What? What toast?

-Gwen, let your sister talk. -What toast?

"Well, not everybody can be perfect.

"but at least some of us can try."

We all know that grownups have to make compromises.

And Lily is very, very grownup.

So that's what she did.

She said, "Is Andrew

"the very best man for me on this Earth?


And I mean, no."

She says, "Hey, I'm not getting any younger. He makes a hell of a lot of money so...

"So I'll marry the little sucker."

To Lily and her little sucker.

That's not what happened.

Oh, and you think that your memory of that day is somehow better than mine?

-Hey, I don't think so. -Let's try to stick with the format.

I'm sticking to the format. I'm just trying to give you a picture here.

And she walks around like some victim, like life just handed her this raw deal.

Well, you know, my father left, too.

And my mother died when I was little, too.

And you don't see me using that as some excuse to just completely abandon all self-control

-and indulge myself in... -Indulge?

-Yeah, indulge. -You... What? You think I like this?

We've gotten off-track here. Lily, Lily...

Think about Gwen's behavior at your wedding and tell her now how you feel.

Yeah, Lily, how does it make you feel?

You know, this is just... This is...

I don't need this.

I have a life.

YOUNG GWEN: Wait for me.

YOUNG LILY: Beat you.

What are you doing?

Great. Another thing I suck at.

Well, hold on. Gwen, hey. Please.

Come here a second.

-What? -What were you thinking about?

When you threw the ball, what were you thinking about?

I don't know. The mating habits of African ants. I don't know...

-The striped thing. -The mattress?

-You were thinking about hitting the mattress? -Yeah.

Well, you know, it might sound funny to you, but that's all wrong.

-Oh, good. -When you get all locked in on the strike zone, next thing you know it's looking about the size of a peanut. And you're thinking...

Your thinking, "Damn. I gotta get that little ball in there?"

You've psyched yourself right out of the game.

The strike zone, the call, the count, the batter, all that, forget all that.

You gotta think about the little things.

You know? The things you can control.

You can control your stance, your balance, your release, your follow-through.

All right, think about those little things and only those little things.

You know? I mean, 'cause when you...

When you let go of the ball, it's over.

You don't have a say in what happens down there. I mean that's somebody else's job.

-I want you to try this. -I don't want to try it.

-Yeah. I'm just curious. -I don't wanna do it.

You don't have to do anything. I just wanna see how you hold it.

Just hold it. Don't grab it.

Don't grab it. Look at it, look at it.

Hold it like an egg.

Loose. Easy. All right?

Let me just get a look at it from over here.

Let me just get a look at it from over here.

All right, now.

I want you to throw it over here nice and easy.

Point at me with your left hand.

I want you to throw it where you're pointing at.

That was better. Of course you nutted the batter, and the other team's rushing out to beat the crap out of you.

But it was better.

Try again. Heads up.

I want you to do it again. This time shut your eyes.

-What? -Just shut your eyes.

-So weird. -Fire away.

Right there. That is a strike in any country.

-Yeah? -You're a natural.

Come on.

Come on.

Folks, the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, expecting different results.

-Thank you.

-I have a question. -CORNELL: Yeah?

Once we all leave, we have needs that are going to need to be filled by people physically at times.

How and when can we do that?

-Not how, just when? -CORNELL: Yeah, I know, I know.

Lots of people in recovery want to know when's a good time to start dating.

And, uh, my rule of thumb is, when you get home, get yourself a plant.

Okay? I like those spider plants, but you know, whatever turns you on.

Then in about a year, get a pet.

And then, if, in say two years, the plant and the pet are still alive then you can start to think about having a relationship.


I'll be fine. I know what to do.

Don't drink, go to meetings, find a sponsor, ask for help.

Don't drink, go to meetings, find a sponsor, ask for help.

ALL: * Happy trails to you

* Keep smiling until then

* Who cares about the clouds if we're together

* Just sing a song and bring the sunny *

Well, I hope he makes it.

Well, statistically, only three out of 10 of us will.

So, in a way, it's good for us if he goes back to using, you know?


God, I love afternoons like this.

Do you know what's missing from this afternoon?

That I don't have a very dry vodka martini with two olives in a chilled glass.

God, I miss that.

You know, lately I've been lying awake at night, thinking of all the dumb-ass things I've done when I was messed up.

One night last year at dinner, I threw up all over my glazed ham.

And then I was thinking, "Well, maybe nobody noticed." You know?

People think of it as a garnish.

Yeah, I'm a winner.

Oh, God.

You know what the worst one was?

For me?

My best friend in the whole world.

We grew up playing ball, hunting, fishing.

One Sunday morning, he walks in on me and his wife in bed.

I'll never live that one down.

Tell me one of yours.

-Excuse me? -What's the worst thing you ever did when you were messed up?

Oh, uh... I don't know.

Come on. Give me a couple. I'll... I'll pick one.

I don't... I don't really remember any.

I just told you some stuff that's, -you know pretty much. -I'm a drunk. Drunks forget everything. You know?

-Come on. -Why?

So I can recount the last 15 disgusting years of my life to humiliate myself? No, thanks.

Yeah. Why not?

Why? Because I don't feel like it. I don't feel like talking about it.

What's the matter? You too good for me?

What are you, dense? Did your mother drop you on your head? What?

I said no.

I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just drop it.

God, it's so hard.

You're a doctor. That's the way it's supposed to be.

-Hey, Gwen... -Shh.

BETTY: This isn't the Sheraton.

Your chores are posted.

We will take the stairs.

What? I paid you a shit load of money. I am not doing any chores, just to let you know.

-Pills. -Booze.

Coke and sex.

GRIFFIN: We're not going to need any champagne.

It's our daughter Darian, Deirdre.

Oh, don't worry about Darian. I tucked her into bed hours ago.

So did I.




Oh, God!

It was the most unbelievable episode. I wish you'd seen it.

Everyone was losing their minds.

-What are you doing? -Packing.

What does it look like?

-Why? You're not leaving for another couple of days. -So?

I am leaving.

Might as well get ready. There's no point in making this room all homey when I'm only gonna be here, like, 42 more hours.

Come on. There's 20 minutes left till curfew.

Come on, let's go get some ice cream.

-Satisfy those sugar cravings of yours. -No, thanks.

You don't have to do this, you know.

Do what?

How do you know what I have to do? Have you ever left rehab before?

-No, but I... -Okay. But nothing.

You've never left rehab before, so you don't know what you're talking about.

True, but I have been a part of some very emotional sing-outs, and I thought...

Oh, God, I'm sorry. That's right. You sang, uh, Lean On Me a few times, the stupidest freaking cheesy song ever.

My mistake then. You must know about leaving rehab better than anyone.

Oh, I got an eyelash.

Make a wish.

Custody of my kids.

GERHARDT: Um, sobriety.

Oh, come on, baby. We all want that.

Think of something else.

My foreskin back.

No one asked me before they took it.

They just took it.

Way to share, Gerhardt. Way to share.

Okay, here we go.

All gone.

Hey! Read the sign.

Oh, Betty, where's the love, huh?

Daniel, wow.

Guzzling Gwen.

Hey, what, uh... What happened?


I honest to God don't know.

Well, um...

It's really nice to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, get a room.

Ah! Oh, my God, it's a joke! It's a miracle!

Ooh, you know what? I could, uh I could really use your medical expertise, if you got a second. Do you have a second?

I got a second.

-Use a condom. -Ah, two!

Two in one day!


Gerhardt. Hey.

Um, I wrote this for Andrea's going away, and that is for you.

-Am I the lead? -Yes.

If you could do that, right there, that would be really great.

I think I should direct this.

-You don't want me. -No, I do want you. You're gonna be great.

-Gwen, I'll ruin it. -No, you... Bobbie Jean, you get to wear lipstick.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah. So just, um...

Just, uh, think, uh, think Meryl Streep. Think Cry In the Dark.

Remember? "Dingo stole my baby. A dingo stole my baby."

Andrea D mail pickup at the Parker cabin, main room.

Andrea D.

Okay, go. Go, go, go, go, go.

-Gerhardt, come on! -Oh, all right. Okay.

Watch the phone.

BETTY: Somebody sent you a cute little monkey.

We used to make those here. They're real easy.

You just take a string, tie it around the toes, becomes the head.

GWEN: Hey. BETTY: And the arm...

Hey. Come here.

Okay, so just sit down.

Hello, everybody.

My name's Gwen. Uh, I'm an alcoholic and an addict.

But I guess you already know that.

In honor of Andrea's departure, instead of singing, Lean On Me yet again, uh, we have our own version of Santa Cruz.

Andrea, I hope you like it.

DANIEL: And now Santa Booze.

Oh, Falcon.

I am so afraid. When they find I've taken you out of the hospital Mother and Dr. Griffin Hartley are sure to come here.

What will we do?

-If I can't be without... -With you. With you.

If I can't be with you, I would rather be dead.

Oh, but, dear God, the tiny clusters of tumors in my brain.

Oh, God. The tiny little clusters of tumors in his brain. Somebody, help!

Oh, God.

Wait, I have some pills that...

I'm okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

Oh, Falcon. Hold me.

Hey, Falcon.

I knew we'd find you two together.

Falcon. Darian, your lover is also your sister.

-No! -It's not possible.

It is not possible.

Deirdre, darling, I have some bad news. Your daughter, Darian, uh, uh, Falcon's lover and, uh, sister, is also carrying my baby.

-No. -No!

Oh, God!

Get out of here!

-Get out of here! Go. -All right. I got no problem getting out of here.

-What are you doing? -I'm just improvising. They do that on soaps.

Ow. What are you doing?

Just improvising. Go with it.

Oh! But, no, my tumors!

-It's the, uh, melio... Meli... -Meligioma astrocytoma.

Well, whatever. Look, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

What are... What are you doing?

It says in the script that we're supposed to kiss.

Uh, Andrea, I like you, bon voyage, but I'm not kissing Gerhardt.

Okay, everybody. Excellent work. Excellent work. That was really good sharing.

I really enjoyed that. You know, good use of feeling words and all of that.

Give me more, give me more.

-Who are you? -I'm Evelyn. Don't you recognize the hat?

Okay, but seeing as you're all addicts, drugs, sex, the same story line for 16 years, you know, here are some therapeutic tools, you know, to keep you going.

Sometimes you gotta kiss ass before you can kick it.

It's the engine that kills you not the caboose.

Make love, not war.

Don't ever be someone's slogan 'cause you are poetry.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

GWEN: Hey.

You missed a damn fine show.

All your favorite characters were there.

Yeah, well, I'm happy for you.

You can't still be mad at me.

Listen, I'm sorry I said that.

You're not dense. You're... You're great and you know, that's why I didn't want to rehash my entire disgusting history, you know, in front of you because...



And what you'll think. You'll just...

Look, I know people's perceptions of girls who screw other girls' boyfriends.

I know what the world's perception is on somebody who goes into a bar and realizes five hours later that I've left my three-year-old godson in the back of the car.

I mean, people don't like people like that.

They don't like people... I don't like people like that.

Those just things you've done.

Not who you are.

People make mistakes, you know?

Who you are is just fine.

More than fine.


Hey. Jasper.

What are you doing here?

-Well, I was looking for you. Successfully, as it turns out. -Oh.

Yeah. No, I meant, um, why aren't you at your parents' house?

Oh, that. You know, I realized, what with them both being completely senile I could just call them in a week, thank them for a great time, they'll probably think I made the trip.

See. I thought... I thought you might be lonely.

Oh, uh, this is Eddie. He's a patient here.

And... He's, uh, from Oklahoma.

Well, how do you do, Eddie from Oklahoma? I'm Jasper.

Uh, I'll leave you guys to it, then.

Well, hang on. I don't know about that. I mean... Let's think this through.

You see, the way I see it, Gwennie, we've got two options here.

Scenario number one: We let Eddie from Oklahoma head off to the showers, wash off all that very manly sweat, and you and I could bullshit our way through the afternoon.

Or scenario number two:

We could all acknowledge the awkward situation in which we find ourselves.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

That was a clear vote for scenario number one.

And how about you, Eddie from Oklahoma?

Care to weigh in?

Abstaining? Interesting.

Well, I guess that leaves only me in favor of calling a spade a spade.

And saying, pardon me, sir, but I'd prefer it if you wouldn't sleep with my fiancee.


You got the wrong idea here, pal.

Don't call me "pal."

I mean, I'm not your pal.

And don't treat me like an idiot.

Do me that one courtesy, please. 'Cause I'm not that, either.

In fact, I've got more brain cells than your entire redneck family all put together.

Jasper, don't be a jerk.

-Yeah, Gwen, don't be a slut. -Hey.

Come on, back off, pal.

-Oh! Ah! -Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Go. Go.

-Let me see it. Let me just... -Get off.

Come on, let's put some ice on it.

Come on.

This way.

Honey, wake up. Andrea!

Somebody! Somebody! Come!

Gwen, what is it?

Go back in your rooms.

Oh, what did you do? Oh, your hands are so cold.

Somebody, hurry up!

-What happened? -I don't know. She took that...

-Well, what? -I don't know what this is! Get somebody! Hurry!

We have a medical emergency. Send an ambulance right away.

-Let me in. -Get back in your rooms, now!

Oh, Jesus.

STAVROS: We as a community have all been deeply affected by our loss.

I'd like to begin with how I feel.

And that's scared.

Because I've heard so many people here say, "I just wanna use one more time."

Andrea's one more time was what killed her.

CORNELL: She didn't kill herself.

She used.

She overdosed.

That's what happens to you or I...



-It's me. -Gwen, what happened?

-Lil... -Are you all right?



I'm sorry.

I don't know.

You wanna know how I feel, Gwen?

How I always felt around you?


You have this way.

You know, it's that Mom thing. That amazing gravitational force.

Even when she was a mess, you know, the world noticed her.

You have that.

And I guess, I figured that you always knew that.

I don't know. When I went back home,

I started thinking.

And maybe you don't know that about yourself, I mean.

I mean, who would've told you, you know? Not me.

The only thing I ever told you was what a pain in the ass you were.

Well, I am a pain in the ass.

Even a pain in the ass needs someone to take care of them.

I didn't do that.

I didn't,

and I should have.

I should have helped you with your homework.

I should have walked you home after school.

Sometimes I'd be walking with my friends, and I'd see you half a block ahead, all alone.

You were so little.

Well, so were you.


Well, I never asked for help so...

But you needed it, didn't you?

I mean, everybody does.


I'm sorry I make it so impossible to love me.

You make it impossible for me not to love you, Gwen.


Ninety meetings in 90 days.

And ask for help. It's always there.

Anything else?

Just goodbye.

ALL: * Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Was a good friend of mine

* I never understood a single word he said

* But I helped him a-drink his wine

* And he always had some mighty fine wine *

Take care, sweetie pie.

* Joy to the world

* All the boys and girls

* Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea

* Joy to you and me

* If I were the king of the world

* I'll tell you what I'd do

* I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war

* And make sweet love to you

Look, I messed up.

I got riled up, and there isn't a lot I can do about it right now, except I just wanna say I'm sorry.

And, you know, people make mistakes.

If you can't handle that, if you... if you wanna decide that my messing up means I'm not worth being your friend then you're not half as smart as you think you are.

That guy, Jasper.

I don't know him.

But I do know that, that he is dangerous for you.



Turkey. Meant to be symbolic of my behavior last time we saw each other.

I tried to track down some roasted asshole, but...

Listen, all right?

I've been thinking about us.

Just to say. I can change if you want me to.

And we can have a totally different life together.

All right? I'll buy running shoes. We'll take up yoga or, uh, jogging or...

You know, we'll be organized. Pay our bills, we'll floss our teeth.

We won't set fire to the apartment anymore and I'll buy a goldfish, and we'll be like normal people.

-You hate normal people. -No.

What I hate is being without you.

Oh, come on. You don't wanna do this on your own, do you?

We have to go. I tell you.

Ten people died. That's 500 people having an amazing time chasing this cheese down this one and two gradient in the middle of the Cotswolds. It's hilarious.

The only person who dies, who really died last year, is this old woman.

Jasper, do you ever shut up?

I'm sorry. But it's just that, you know, if I'm gonna do this...

-You know, if I'm gonna really... -Stay clean and sober, as they say in the program.

Yeah. But it's not that simple.

Everything has to be different. Just everything.


And... And, uh, that includes us.

I'm trying to, uh, change things in me.

-I'm trying to... -Oh, my God. Look who's here.

Hey, Marty.

Yeah, Elaine, look. Yeah.

MARTY: I was hoping I would find you here. ELAINE: Oh, God, she's alive.

ELAINE: Gwennie's back in action.

You guys gotta celebrate with us. We got a monster table going in the back.

-Be fun. -Ooh. Excellent idea.

You know what? We're actually in the middle of something right now.

Oh, come on, Gwennie.

-Give us a couple of minutes. We'll be over. -Sure.

All right.

That was really embarrassing.

Hey, Gwen! Gwen, where are you going?

Look, come on. They're waiting for us.

Come on, Gwennie. We'll just go in the back bar, have a quick soda water, and then we'll go.

They just wanna say welcome home. Come on.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know. I'm just trying to make my outsides match my insides, I guess.

Gwen, would you leave the horse alone?

Oh, come on.

I just need help!

Right now!

I can control the little things, then I just have to let go and it's up to somebody else.

Well, the hoof's looking pretty good, Gwen.

Yeah. Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

Are we all fixed now?

Not yet, but, -I'm getting there. -Why? What else have you gotta do?

Check his teeth?

Bye, Jasper.

FLORIST: Sir, I can't replace the plant just because you killed it.

GERHARDT: I did not kill this plant. It was sick or something.

I gave it everything. I was talking to it, telling it stories.

I drew a sketch of it and put it on my refrigerator. I...

Did you water it?


I have. It's important that I did not kill this plant. Do you understand?

So if you're just saying that because that's how you're making your excuse, you have to understand there's...

You can't mess with... I'm never gonna get laid.

You obviously don't care.

And that's one thing I do, is care.

I feel sorry for all the plants in here.

I'm going home.

I killed the plant.

It's okay. It's okay.

I killed the plant.

It's okay. You still have your dog.

I don't even think he likes me.

I don't wanna...

I just...

What are you doing here? It's so good to see you!

It looks like somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.

-All I see are trees... -No cell phones.

We carry our own bags here. This isn't the Sheraton.

-Hey, Falcon. -What?

-Uh, I don't mean to bother you, but... -Oh, sheesh.

BETTY OVER PA: Don't miss tonight's lecture:

"Is God An Alcoholic?"