3 Geezers! (2013) Script

Yo! What up, dawg?

Yo, yo, yo, diggity, yo!

Yo, yo, yiggity-yo!

Yo, yo, yiggity-do.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Yo-yo?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself, because that girl ain't nothing but trouble.

Listen, this cock-a-doodle do not do it that way.

This cock-a-doodle-do don't doodle-do that way.

This cock-a-doodle-do don't do that way.

Geez, Peaches... shut your fuckin' pie-hole.

Listen, home-skillet, I need some chedda', to take my girl out, candy slack.

I think the scene is about... uh, that, uh...

The scene is about... a girl and a...

I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers in a retirement home, that's what it's about.

Hi, my name is J Kimball, I'm an actor.

Hopefully, you actually knew that already, otherwise, uh...

I don't know... have a little chat with my agent, I guess.

Recently, I was asked to play a character... who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate."

So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh... it's terrible.

Terrible.

The dialogue is bland, the characters are under-developed, the plot... a piece of crap.

Honey?

Then I had a second thought. Are you ready to go?

Did I mention that it was written by my brother-in-law?

My darling wife's adorable baby brother?

Turn that thing off.

I'm working. You haven't seen her in 6 months.

Honey, I'm busy here.

You promised. Your project.

Your mother!

Just let me... give me...

So I got a choice. I can do the movie, or... suffer the consequences.

You married guys know what I'm talking about.

Obviously, I'm doing the movie.

And, since I have no idea what it's like to be 85 years old, I'm gonna need to do more research than usual.

And I figured I'd invite you all along to suffer with me.

The only question is, am I gonna do that research where my mother is, at the Nancy Gaye...

Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often Nursing Home... or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home, conveniently located across the street from my favorite casino?

Shuffle up and deal.

This is for your own personal use, correct?

Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research, makes the characters I play more real for me, you know? And hopefully for the audience as well.

It's, uh... usually just gonna be Bob here, y' know, couple of guys on the crew.

Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself, and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time.

But don't worry about them. They're.. they're non-union.

Oh. Good.

Though I am happy to sign a release, or a contract...

No, that won't be necessary.

Uh, so tell me... how long have you been the Activities Director here?

At The Coconuts? Well, uh, I haven't always been an administrator.

Life... is but a walking shadow.

A poor player that... struts and frets... his hour upon the stage, and then... is heard no more.

You're an actor.

I'm between roles.

Oh, now, I know how that goes.

When was your last gig?

November.

Well, that's not so... 1998.

Listen, what I... just really wanna kinda get out of all this, is uh... an overall feel for what it's like here for the old people.

You know? Um, do they get visitors?

Do they get exercise?

Uh... What gets them up?

In the morning, you know?

And, indeed, can they still... get it up?

How do old people get around?

Well, first off... we don't like to call them "old people."

They're just people, like you and me, only

old.

I can't find my glasses! They're on top of your head.

Oh, they're on top of my head.

You didn't mention how long you will be with us.

A couple of weeks.

Splendid!

So, the idea here at The Coconuts is to make our residents feel at home.

Of course, we try to keep things interesting, mix it up a bit.

In many respects, it's a lot more fun than how they lived before coming here.

Yes, sure! I see that, uh...

Thursday is cherry pie day.

I'm also very excited about a new event we have scheduled for next month. We're putting on our first "talent show".

So they, uh, still have the energy to compete this late in life?

Oh well, yeah. I don't like to speak in clichés, you know, "never too late" and all that, but, uh... you'd be surprised.

And, I might add, uh, reassured by what some of them still can do.

But, but, but... she's my niece! Yeah, I can see the resemblance.

I only need one more minute. Yes, well your niece will have to come back at regular visiting hours.

I hope you wore a condom.

Condoms? We ain't got no condoms.

We don't need no condoms.

I don't have to show you stinking condoms!

You do if you don't want your dick to fall off.

You're just jealous because I have a pretty face.

And bigger balls.

Ah, shall we take a look around, and introduce you to some of our residents, who can help you in your research?

Okay. Yeah...

You really scared me on that prison show.

I've always secretly wanted a tattoo.

Oh-ho-ho, you...

So, this is our recreation room.

What do you think, stripes or solids?

How the fuck should I know?

Have they invented Braille balls since I last checked, honkey mother fucker?

Okay, nice to meet you.

That's Bernard.

"Big Sexy"!

Oh, yes, "Big Sexy."

He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged.

Hello, ladies.

Hi.

Morning.

- And one, and two. This is our all-purpose room.

Oh! You've come at a good time. We're implementing some innovative changes to health and exercise.

Telephone! Telephone!

And one, and two, and three.

And four.

And one, And two...

That son of a bitch manager stole my watch again!

Rex, no one has stolen your watch.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the son of a bitch who took...

Nurse!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Whoa!

So... that's about it. Why don't you make yourself at home, talk to some of our residents.

I have to get back to the office, but if you need anything... anything at all, just ask. Okay. Thanks, Greg.

I'll just hang out here and see what the geezers are up to.

Gimme back my watch!


Hi, guys.

What's up?

My dick, if you rub it.

Listen, boy... this bench is for white's only.

Don't worry about Big Sexy.

Uh, you guys mind if I just ask you a few questions?

Still a free country. Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over.

Don't worry about him.

You're here to find out what it's like to be old, right?

Yeah, right.

It's horrible.

My back hurts all the time, I can't sleep at night.

Colonoscopies. It's just awful gettin' old.

Every day I have to wear diapers 'cause I can't control my bladder.

I'm constipated.

You guys are pathetic!

Every morning, 6 a.m., I have a nice strong piss, 6:30 I have a good firm bowel movement.

Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00...

Ba-dum-bum!

Is he still here?

Yeah, still here.

That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose your sense of humor when you get old, huh?

But seriously, what do you want to know?

Well, you know, everything.

I dunno, you guys look like you're pretty fit, what do you do for exercise?

Eat shit, faggot.

Jesus, Frank, now take it easy.

And... dead.

This is.. it's research. It's for a movie I'm doing. A movie?

You a Jew? I'm an actor.

I just wanna find out what it really feels like to be old.

Now you're callin' us old?

You are old! That's not what your mama said last night!

Wow... So come on, seriously, what do you guys do?

How do you keep in shape?

We play a lot of paddle tennis.

Well, what is that? Paddle tennis? Is that even a real thing?

Bet we could whip your ass!

You think so?

Rex and me... against you.

You win? We let you hang out with us for your research.

We win, we get to be in your movie.

Sure, all right. Deal.

Deal!

Where's Rex?

Ruth... come on.


Out!

Out!


In!

In.

We won!

We won!

Yeah, yeah.

Looks like you lost.

I think the fix was in. I just call 'em like I see 'em.

This guy had a ringer. You totally cheated.

Hollywood! Here we come!

Okay, all right, deal's a deal.

Tell you what... you can still hang with us.

Eh? Thanks...

I think. Just don't touch my junk.

I'll try to resist that urge.

This might be tougher than I thought.

How's your research going?

Should've visited your mother instead.

Thank you, dear.

New guy.

Three o'clock.

First time?

Yes, sir.

Scared it'll hurt? That you'll be humiliated?

Never hold your head up in public again?

I'm just here 'cause my doctor said, y' know, it's time to get it checked out.

Maybe you'll squeal like a pig.

Feel like you're being raped, in prison.

And start to like it.

That's the goal.

Listen, nice chattin' with you guys, I gotta finish this script.

I remember when I was a virgin.

Yeah? A while ago?

'52.

Oh, this really ages you.

Remember Art's son, Frankie?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Insufficient lube.

It got stuck.

Like goin' to the electric chair, and they forgot to wet the sponge.

Sounds like Frankie forgot to relax.

They lasered his poop-hole.

Really?

Had to laser it shut. Oh, I hope he got a good lawyer.

And ripped him a new one.

Does a kind of side-saddle maneuver on the john now.

Oh, but other than that, he's fine. Colon's clear.

Yeah, yeah. Clear colon.

Kind of a semi-colon.

Not that he uses it much anymore.

Is there any room, on either side of you guys? We're a little squished in here.

Well, you know, they give you a DVD.

Yeah, they film it. I heard that.

A keepsake you'll always treasure.

You know, man looks into the abyss, and see's himself staring back at him.

All part of growin' older.

Lookin' forward to it.

Bernard, we're ready for you.

Mmm, you smell good.

Why, thank you.

Hey! Come on, now, you... watch it!

You're next. Oh, go ahead.

No, you. You go first.

You'll thank me. After you.

You're gonna really like this. She seems a little upset.

You are gonna get so used to this.

Please go. You'll be so happy.

I have many years ahead of me.

Might even tickle. Go.

Take a chance! I'm gonna go home.

No, no! Stay!

Stay!

Mistake.

So, uh, Rex... what are you doing for the big talent show?

What talent show?

Uh, the... that's... Not to worry, we'll come back to you.

Bernard, what about you?

Don't worry about me, I'm workin' on it.

Okay.

Why they want you to have any good time in this damn place?

We're right in the middle of an interview!

That's okay, I don't mind.

Okay, what are you doin' for the talent show?

I don't do that stupid shit. You gotta love the president's stimulus package.

Is that what's payin' for all this?

You see the new girl that checked in yesterday?

I hesitate to ask here, Victor... what is... what is goin' on there?

Oh, sexting! With a shawty I met last week.

He's addicted to sext, you know?

Wow, that's, uh...

She hittin' you back, there? Is that what's goin' on?

Ooh! Where'd you meet her? Comic-Con?

She was a friend of my wife's.

I didn't know you were married.

Well, I'm not.

Anymore...

Oh. I'm sorry. What, uh... what happened?

Kandearoo. Kandearoo...

What is that? What is Kandearoo?


Jesus!

I mean, there's no way to stop it?

God! That's... that's terrible. Victor, I'm I'm so sorry man, I- I didn't know.

Va-va-verga!

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Breckin! Breckin Meyer! Hey guys!

Where you goin'? How's it goin'?

I'm going to play some laser tag with some elderly folks. You wanna watch?

Mind if we tag along?

Yeah, actually, I want the footage, come on.

We love your show, uh, Frank and Beans. Oh, thanks brother, we're having a good time.

J!

There he is! How's it goin'?

Hey, man, thanks for coming. All right.

Good to see you, and these guys just, what? Follow you around Yeah, it's my entourage, you don't mind do you?

Whatever.

Who's this? "Who is this?" Who doesn't have a television?

What, are you kidding me?

Breckin Meyer, how ya' doin'? What are you, twelve?

12 inches. Bracken Meyers.

Breckin Meyer? Yes sir.

It sounds like a strand of Ukrainian syphilis to me.

Kinda' mouthy for a blind guy playing laser tag.

Oh! Before the cock crows three times, you shall be punked by the blind.

Is he, did he just call me a cock? Apparently so.

Okay, Father Time? Cryptkeeper? Methuselah? Let's go, let's do this.

All right, welcome to your ultimate laser tag adventure, are you guys excited to be here?

Oh yeah. Awesome, that's nice.

Uh, so my name is Justin and this is Daniel, my trusty sidekick. Everyone say "Hello Daniel."

Hello, Daniel!

And we're gonna be your Game-Masters today.

Did he say Gay Masters?

What sort of S&M bullshit did you bring me to today?

So let's get started.

When you guys walk in that door, you're gonna see a bunch of vests like this one, and what you want to do is grab the vest off the rack and throw it over your shoulders making sure the laser is in front. Looks like an electric dick.

It sure does. If the laser isn't in front your pack's on backwards and that's stupid because you can't fire out of your butts.

Oh, this guy here can. I bet!

So then you wanna strap in your sides and then you're gonna detach your laser from the vest, and hold the vest with the laser with two hands at all times.

How many hands? Two hands. - Two!

That's right, two hands. Now, you wanna fire everywhere and anywhere you see blinking, flashing lights.

So, if it's blinking, you blast it. What do you do? You...

Blast it. Come on guys, what do you do?

Blast it! That's right, you blast it!

All right, Daniel take it over.

All right, we're gonna go over some important game rules for today.

Ah, the first rule is the most important, you guys...

No running. If you run, you're done.

Seriously, with you guy's hearts, if you run, you're done.

You're gonna die. This'll be it.

I'll beat your little ass. No climbing or crawling.

No crawling anywhere in the maze, you guys.

Uh, no physical contact.

Yeah, Victor, that means keep your hands off my junk, too. Okay?

No touching. Uh, no unsportsmanlike conduct.

If it don't feel cool, it ain't cool, and that includes offensive language.

No... that includes trash talking, no trash talking, you guys.

That's bullshit. Totally.

Next rule, follow staff instructions at all times.

We... are staff.

Last rule, any persons failing to follow these rules will be asked to leave without a refund. So, if you just follow these rules, you guys... we'll have a great game, okay?

We'll be good. Whoo! - Okay!

Yeah! Okay. Let's do it.

Go, old people!

Not you guys.

Rex! It's me!

Damn. Right, are you okay?

Bernard? What? Is it your heart? You.. dirty... bastards!

Say "hello" to my little friend!

Hey.

Fish in a barrel.

Hey. Looks like we won.

That's it! You're all out. You run, you're done!

You run, you're done.

We have to go. That's true, Justin.

You break the rules, you get no refund.

Seemed like a short game to me.

Hey, where Rex?

You guys keep up on the latest technology at all?

Well, I've seen color TV. I got a stereo.

Beautiful, welcome to the 21st century here guys, this... is a smart phone.

Can make phone calls, of course, you can also do a shit-load of other things, but here, wait, wait...

I'll show you on this 'cause it's got a bigger screen for your tired old eyes.

You can, uh, you can surf the web here, you got emails, I got thousands of photos in this thing.

Uh... music, got a calendar, maps! You got maps of the whole world on this thing.

There's a... there's thousands of apps you can get for this, all on this one little device.

It's, it's unbelievable. It's a dazzling display of technology, right?

It's like a phone, only bigger.

Okay. Here, look. Look at this, this is the most portable, powerful, lightweight notebook money can buy.

And I can do all that same stuff on this, but I can also, I can upload footage here, I use this for my research all the time, I can edit, I could, I could make a movie on this thing. Really?

Yeah. So you could make a porno?

Porno, you want porno, here we go. In two seconds, just for you, eyes and ears, we have porno!

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, spank the monkey, smart boy.

Damn.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

You seem nice.

I'm also a pretty good dancer.

I'd like to see you dance.

Oh.


...really do see the market to continue to trend...

- ...know why I'm here in the first place. Skank.

...now there's a line drive down the left field line...

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Oh, my!

Ruth Mama Zion! Where did you get that bikini?

Amazon.com.

What has gotten into you lately?

Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Something's missing.

Very funny.

Very good! Very good!

What?

Where are ya'?

You're hot. I know you're in here somewhere.

You're gettin' hot.

Where are you? Hotter.

Yea!

Does Greg know you're out here this late?

It's only 6 o'clock.

Hi Ruth. Oh. Hi Victor.

Well, I'm gonna go get changed.

I'll see you at dinner.

God, that daughter of his... really get's him down.

Yeah, I know. She only visits him for the life insurance money.

Oh, poor guy.


Hi, Victor.

You know how cute I always thought you were.


Gee... are there any Q-tips?

Hang on!

Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?

So, I don't want to play this guy like he's feeble or senile or... Honey? doesn't know what's going on in the world. Honey?

Just a sec'! These guys wanna have sex, they can still get it up. Who spanked the monkey? Hmm?

Apparently.

Smart boy? Okay, let me tell ya'.

I was showing the old farts about computers today, and about getting on the internet, and about all the stuff I can do on the computer like editing, and you know, I said I could make my own movie, this guy Bernard says could you make a porno and I said, oh, well here, lemme show you some porno.

These guys are like, they're like conniving little children. Sweetheart?

What? It's okay. I trust you.

You do? Yes.

It's a convalescent home, how much trouble can you really get into?

I think you'd be surprised.

Yeah? Oh... surprise me.

Hello everyone. My new best friend, J, has generously offered to ask today's special guest to come in and show you some... invaluable self-defense moves.

When I heard he was coming, I got all choked up.

Ah, I'm proud to introduce Mr. Randy "The Natural" Couture.

Who the hell is Randy Couture?

Mr. Couture came in second on the 9th season of "Dancing With The Celebrities".

Actually, I'm a former UFC heavyweight champion and inductee into the UFC Hall of Fame, but, you gotta be talking about Chuck Liddell.

Who was, what, ninth on that dance show? And I'm... way better looking than he is.

Mr. Couture is a mixed martial arts legend.

This guy practically invented the sport.

What is he talking about?

That shit ain't a sport. Just a buncha ass-grabbin' homos who didn't get enough lovin' from their mothers.

Is he gonna teach us to dance like a star?

Oh, ho, ho, I wish! Mr. Couture was nice enough to come down and teach us some of the basic movements of mixed martial arts.

He's gonna show you some pretty neat stuff, so you can protect yourself, should the need arise.

So...

let's get ready to wrestle!

Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'm very excited to be here this afternoon, although not quite as excited as Greg here.

How many of you have seen what we do in the Octagon?

Okay. Well, we could do a demonstration, so... I need a volunteer.

How about you, sir?

I want to demonstrate some pretty simple techniques that don't require a lot of speed or strength, but if you apply them properly, you can take out even the biggest guy.

I want to make sure I isolate that bottom arm, locking out that elbow and that wrist.

And from there, it's pretty easy to escape, or even turn the situation around.

If you're ever attacked from the front, somebody tries to grab you, I wanna take that arm off, drag it by, and now I get behind my attacker.

From here, I wanna apply a rear choke, so I'm gonna wrap my arm around his neck, I'm applying pressure to both those carotid arteries.

I'll lock this technique on, in about 7 seconds my attacker will pass out.

Now, you're a big strong guy.

You wanna try that technique? Okay.

Okay, again. The rear choke, he wraps the arm around the neck.

All right, let's slide this hand behind that's gonna make it nice and tight.

Now from here, if I let him apply the choke, he starts to cut off the blood... Hey, hey, hey... that's gettin' tight.

He starts to... and, uh... and...

Oh my god!

Oh! My god!!

Does anyone have a camera?

This'll be perfect for my Facebook page.

You guys pickin' up some costumes for your grandkids?

(mumbling) What?

(mumbling) What?

Go fuck yourself.

Oh...

Douchebag says "what". And I said "what".

Do you believe that salesman talking about the grandchildren?

Like we came here for grandchildren.

Do you believe that? What a nerd. Ooh!

This is the row.

This is the row. Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Sexy?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh-ho yeah!


Here! Try these on.

So how do I look?

Really scary.

Is the air conditioning on?

Seems a little cool in here.

Hey, old timers, you wanna buy a map to the star's homes?

You got Brangelina?

Sure. You gonna ask her out?

It depends. Say, you got any black people in there?

Tiger? Oh! He's my hero!

He's a master sexter!

Wait a minute.

He's black? Yeah.

Really?

He's nice.

Nice costume.

You too.

Trick or treat!

That's a damn good question you've asked, fellows.

This "Trick or Treat."

Quite the conundrum, really.

Having said that, my costumed friends, as fate would have it, I, too, have a question.

Brace yourselves, it's a doozy.

Which one of you pricks can guess, what I've buried under my house...

Where you going? Hey!

I got Reese's Pieces in here.

And Winston Lights, come back!

I'll be right back.

I gotta do somethin'.

I wasted a whole hour watchin' this douchebag's TV show.

Happy Halloween.

Sir?

Are you... is this ding dong ditch?

By a hundred-year-old?

Is this you running away? Sir?

That's funny. That's very funny.

You're not... you're not moving very fast, sir. I could... come down there and stick a candy bar up your fuckin' ass.

If I felt like it.

Sir.

Have I done something to offend you?

In the past? I'm just curious because I'm just sitting on my couch, waiting for obnoxious children dressed like Spiderman.

Fuck you, sir. Fuck you.

Okay?

Fuck you!

I hope you have a fuckin'... horrible birthday, if you ever have one... again.

Now I'm fuckin' depressed.

Is this my man's place?

I think so.

Hey, fellows. Trick or treat!

Come on, isn't there an age limit on trick or treating?

Just give us some candy, bitch.

Wow... well, Mr. Geezer, perhaps you've had a little too much sugar, huh?

Look, I'm a rich fucker, how did you get in here? Right? There's a security guy out there.

I don't like old people coming in and I just...

Get the fuck out of my place. This is my house!

I didn't get any candy.


Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.

So, who'd be the bitch now, bi-atch?

So let's see, where we are right now.

What's this?

Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Guys, keep it down just a little bit, okay? My wife's sleeping.

Is this it?

Oh, this is my office-slash-mancave.

It's where I do most of my work. Where's the indoor pool, and the manservant?

Come on, inside voice, okay? I gave Cheswick the night off.

Somebody wake me when it's time to go, this place is boring as shit.

What's with all the boxes? Are you moving?

No. No, um...

A while back, my... my mother had a bad fall and broke her hip, so you know, we had to put her in a rest home, I'm...

I'm goin' through her stuff. Where is she?

Nancy Gaye. Jesus Christ!

Why in the world would you put her there?

What? What's wrong with it? Talk about boring, why don't you just ship her straight to the morgue?

Come on, it's not that bad.

"It's not that bad?" When was the last time you were there?

Another ungrateful kid.

I just...

I just can't see her like that.

Will somebody help me down from here?

Nice wheels! Yeah, I'm proud of Buster Hymen.

I got a dual 12-volt, 95 amp-hour, deep-cycle, lead-acid sealed battery with removable armrests for maximum maneuverability, there's tracks in back, for snow, mud, and deep sand high performance hybrid tires for off-roadin' leather seat, and double-reinforced hand grips for superior handling and enhanced control.

What do you need all that for?

Victor!

Damn!


Come on, come on, come on, hurry! Come on, you can!

Congratulations.

Welcome everyone. It is so nice to see you all.

I am excited about our project today.

Because... we are going to try something a little different.

Come on in.

Come on, don't be shy.

This is Luke, everyone.

Luke, you just step right up here and turn around and, um...

Well...

Oh, my! Meh!

No.

Well. Oh, Bernard.

You're joining us today. They canceled Bingo.

Well, it's very nice to have you. Just come right over here, I have a chair for you, right next to Victor.

Okay, here's the chair. Oops, there you go. And...

Never thought I'd be sittin' in a girlie class with peckerwoods like you.

We got a nude model today.

Go on! Yep.

Big titties?

Oh... very well endowed.

Well, wait till she gets a load of Big Sexy.

Okay, class, now, let's begin by entering the clay with our hands and taking hold of it.

Yes, let it envelop your imagination... as it does your fingertips.

Oh, become one with its and soft, pliable wetness.

Let go of your inhibitions and mold the piece to your will.

Now, maybe you want to focus on one certain area...

Like, um... the eyes, or... the feet... for example.

Or, maybe just the overall essence of the model.

Oh, knead and stretch, pull, prod, and twist the clay into submission.

Uh... Well, let's see what we have here.

Oh, my! That's very van Gogh, Rex.

Oh, why that's excellent realism, Ruth.

And very nice, Mary.

Mary?

Ah-hah...

Oh, Victor! Victor, um...

Yes!

And Bernard!

Bernard, that's very imaginative.

That is very good use of personal interpretation.

Oh, and please. Please feel free to use your hands on the model, to mold what you see.

I mean, after all, art is as much about feeling as it is about seeing.

Damn, this must be my lucky day.

Oh, I wish it were me.

Come on, I'll take you to the model.

All rightie? Here we go.

And I have a chair for you... have a seat right here, there you go.

And I'll just wheel you right up here, and here... let's begin with the foot.

Oh! Ooh...

Big Sexy likes your feet.

Oh! And you work out, too.

You need to shave more often, baby.

Ooh, that's hot!

Come to papa, Sugar Bush!

Oh-oh! We got us a problem here.

I don't think you sugar, because that sure ain't no bush.

Gotcha.

Well, I hope you get a refund from the rabbi.

Still your turn, Rex.

What's, uh... what's that little transaction there? What do you keep handing her?

Oh, just makin' some extra cash.

Extra cash? Yeah, I sell my Percocet and Vicodin.

You're a drug dealer?

No, I'm not a drug dealer, I just sell drugs people want to buy. That's all.

You guys are really not what I expected. It's a good way to help pay some of the bills.

Since they legalized medicinal marijuana, been a windfall for us.

So you're a drug dealer too? I'm not a drug dealer.

You just go to the doctor and you say "Oh, Doc, I have terrible migraines this week."

And then next thing you know you got 500 bucks in ganja and Medicare covers the bill.

Your tax dollars at work.

See that dried-up prune over there? Yes.

She's been screwin' his brains out for months, just for his drugs!

That's not his granddaughter?

Uh-uh... She found him on Craigslist.

That's pretty sad!

Not for him.

So what did you expect?

What do you mean?

I mean, since we're not what you expected, then what did you expect?

Oh, uh, I don't know... Don't be a pussy now, Well, I guess I thought you'd be... Sitting around, waiting to die?

Yeah, sort of...

Depressed, decrepit and useless?

A little, maybe...

Angry, bitter, and rude?

All right, look. I admit, I was buyin' into a stereotype, forgive me, but... let's face it, there's a lot of stuff you guys just can't do like you used to... and Rex, he wouldn't remember to eat lunch if it wasn't written down on a note somewhere.

That's true, but I bet you any one of us here is more content with his life than you are.

Percocet?

Hey Sandy, only two today. Oh, good!

It's here! It's here!

Ruth? I've never seen you so excited before!

Oh, it's it! It's the DVD!

It's here!

Oh, baby! I've been waiting for you!

Virgin territory!

Excuse me ma'am, may help carry your package to your room?

Honey, you can carry mine, if I can carry yours!

Looking sharp there, Victor!

Nice hat. Thank you.

Oh, um... where's Rex!? Yes, where is Rex?

And the music's even shittier than last year!

Any hot bitches around? Ow!

Josephine... She's married!

Buford dies last month!

Really!

Pay up!

Take it!

So she's on the rebound, eh?

Oh, she's on the ultimate rebound.

I'll have to tap that ass!

Give her my number!

Thanks everyone for joining us for our sixth annual Moonlight Hootenanny!

This year's theme will incorporate our "Going Green" initiative, there'll be a lot of special editions and exciting changes in the coming weeks.

I wanna give a shout-out to Edith for providing tonight's exciting ear candy, and remind everyone of our special "Ladies' Choice Dance," so... without further ado, Now... it's a party!

What is with the shit-eating grin?

Things are gonna start looking up around here!

♪ I'm too sexy for my love ♪

♪ Too sexy for my love ♪ ♪ Love's going to leave me ♪

♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt ♪

♪ Too sexy for my shirt ♪ ♪ So sexy it hurts ♪

♪ I'm too sexy for Milan ♪

♪ Too sexy for Milan ♪ ♪ New York and Japan ♪

♪ I'm too sexy for your party ♪

♪ Too sexy for your party ♪ ♪ The way I'm disco dancing ♪

♪ I'm a model ♪ ♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ And I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪

♪ Yeah, on the catwalk ♪ ♪ On the catwalk, yeah ♪

♪ I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪

Oh! I think I'm stuck!


Hey, hey... I got the munchies.

Let's find Rex and get the hell out of here!


♪ Face down, ass up ♪ ♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪

♪ Face down, ass up ♪ ♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪

♪ I'm lookin' for a bitch to spend the night ♪

♪ Do the crazy thing while I fuck all night ♪

♪ I make her do things like nothing before ♪

♪ And when I'm done, she'll always be sore ♪

♪ From the things I do when I'm fuckin' ♪

♪ And when I'm tired, the bitches start suckin' ♪

♪ I double team with a friend of mine ♪

♪ Luke's in front and I'm behind ♪

♪ Just ridin' you like a pony ♪

♪ While you suck my dick, makin' me horny ♪

♪ Then all of a sudden we'll switch positions ♪

♪ Prop your ass up and freak the pushin' ♪

♪ And when I cum, you'll hear me roar ♪

♪ I'll treat any bitch like a whore ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the way I like to fuck ♪

♪ It's face down and ass up! ♪

(indistinct)

Fuck that burger!

Fuck!

It's the cops!

Everybody run!

Driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

Turn the camera off!

J? Is that you? Hi, Kev.

Doin' some research. No problem.

Have you been drinking tonight, sir?

I don't think so.

It was my turn to be the designated driver.

Right guys? Yes, yes! - Yeah.

Face down, ass up That's the way I like to fuck Turn the music off!

Always pulling over the black guy!

Get out of the car, sir.

Okay sir, I'm gonna administer some tests to find out if you're too impaired to operate a motor vehicle.

The first thing I want you to do is take your index finger, tilt your head back, and touch the tip of your finger to the tip of your nose, in this manner, and alternate.

Okay, next...

I want you to count backwards from 78 to 69.

69...

70!

72 ..

73 ..

Okay. Okay, we're almost done.

I want you to walk a straight line, now I want you to do it heel-to-toe, just like this...

Then turn around, and walk back.

Uh, Sir! Sir, sir, sir, sir!

Based on my observations, I believe you've had too much to drink.

Have I?

This is a breathalyzer. I want you to blow into the breathalyzer until I say stop.

There. Here...

Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!

And stop.

I'll be! You're clean.

Told you.

Look, you're free to go, but, will you speed up?

Say... thanks for lettin' me drive.

I always wanted to do that.

That was you?

Now, time for a booty call.

This is Ruth! Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't come to the phone right now.

I learned how to give a great BJ.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like shit.

That's disgusting!

These fuckin' low-flow toilets don't flush a thing.

I'm too old for this shit!

I'm gonna stop drinking for good.

I mean it this time.

Well, like they say down south...

We gonna see y'all now, hear?


You guys sure know how to party.

Oh-ho! You should've seen Victor.

I thought I was gonna die last night.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys. Are you afraid of dying?

Nah. I'm not afraid of dying.

I'm afraid of outliving my money.

I can afford to live about six more years.

I can afford about five.

And then what?

But... but the idea of death itself, you don't, you don't find that scary?

Nah. Oh, hell no!

In fact... we got a death pool.

A death pool?!

Yeah, see?

You pick who you think is next to die.

If you're right, you win.

What if two guys pick the same person to die?

Well then, we use cause of death. Heart attack, stroke...

See? Whoever gets the closest.

Don't some people find the idea of a "death pool" a little offensive?

Well, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but most everyone does.

Some that do, I won 100 bucks last month.

He got lucky with Wilber. That wasn't luck.

I was watchin' him, he'd been coughing for weeks.

You don't mess around with pneumonia at this age.

Good riddance.

Good riddance? Come on, the poor guy's dead. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he... wasn't an asshole when he was alive.

So, Bernard, who do you have next to go?

Victor. Victor?!

Oh, yeah.

Well that's messed up!

How the hell do you have me going?

O.D., drug overdose.

Well then, I'm changing my pick to you.

You'll either get hit by a bus or drown in the pool.

I'll decide later.

All right, so listen, uh... tomorrow, tomorrow night! Is the big talent show.

You guys ready?

Ready as I'll ever be.

I've been practicing for weeks.

I'm tellin' you, nobody stands a chance against me.

Oh, I don't know. From what I've heard, you may have some stiff competition.

Well that ain't the only thing stiff around here.

Where the hell's my phone?

I'm always losing the damn thing when I'm drunk.

So, these old geezers have a lot of life left in 'em.

I don't know, maybe getting old isn't the worst thing in the world.

Beats the alternative, as they say.


Nancy Gaye Nursing Home...

Hi, can you please connect me with Pat Kimball's room?

Boys, I'd like you to meet my Mom.

She's hot.


I know everyone has been diligently rehearsing their numbers and is ready to show you their stuff!

Get on with it!


Cut! Cut! Cut it now!

That was good! Uh, Pete, did you get that? Yeah, I got it.

Okay, then print it. Nice job! It's a wrap!

Cut! That... It sucked.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! It sucks. It's...

I wouldn't use this... as fill in a porno.

Cut! Cut! Cut! One word review: shit sandwich.

Cut! Cut! It's just... they're... you're not... the whole thing is it's... it's no good.


A woman goes to a gynecologist.

She says, "Doctor, I can't find my pussy cat!"

The doctor says, "..."

Guy comes home, and he says, "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

"Where are we going?"