30 Miles from Nowhere (2018) Script


Oh, shit!




This girl is how old?


Ah wow, that is... even for Jack.

Yeah well, he's in LA.

23 is like, you know, fossilized.

He's become that guy, you know, the one you see with some teenage girl, think he's a father with his daughter until he like, kisses her on the mouth or smacks her ass.

Then you don't know whether to call Family Services or just call him an asshole.

Yeah, an asshole who's getting 23-year-old pussy.

Is it that much better?

Yeah it's something that every man covets.

Why, because it makes your dick feel less geriatric?

That's right.

Um, excuse me, what kind of tequila do you have?

The one with the worm.


It is a college bar, what do you want?

Fine, I'll take that on the rocks.

No worm.

Hi, yes, sorry.

What cabernets do you have?

The red one.

I will take it.


I cannot believe we drank here.

You practically slept here.

That I did.

Remember Funny Hat Fridays?

Ah, I was always the pirate.

Oh, you were.

So what do you think the note said?

Probably "Sorry I bailed, sorry I made you fly

"800 miles to my funeral in the middle of Larry's

"fucking busy season."

No, I mean about his wife.

Like do people say why or just goodbye?

I don't know.

It probably just said "Fuck you, I win, love Max."

Oh come on.

Good luck finishing a crossword puzzle.

Oh my god, totally.

Who does Sundays in pen?

So aggressive.

By the way, I'm so sorry about your mom.

But I...

Ah, well, that's what happens when you have a gastric bypass at 70, become a late-life alcoholic.

Thought I'd get a jump on it.

Hey, is Paulie coming?

Yeah, apparently.

Fuck, now they decide to make up.

Oh, be nice.

I am nice, I'm always nice.

I'm here, aren't I?

Um, I gave you a 50.

No, it was a 20.


Okay you keep the change.

All righty, so when do we board the fun bus?

Are you kidding me?

Excuse me, should I...?

♪ Go you Maple dogs, take it down the line ♪

♪ With the tails a-flying ♪ Hey! Bessy!

♪ We will beat you just in time to ♪

♪ Boom, have a drink, have a drink, drink, drink ♪ Hug it up, hug it up.

Hey, oh me too!

Oh my god it fell all out.

Sorry, I can taste my teeth.

Mmm, it's airplane pretzels and house red, and the recycled air, and the breathing other people's farts for four hours.

Haha, for JFK?

Yeah, two on the runway, two in the air.

It wasn't that bad.

Oh, you were in first class.

Well, people fart in first class.

So how are you?

Oh, it's been like a really long time.

Your wedding.


No, no, there was that winter in New York.

Oh god, that was like...

Years... ago.

I know, I know.

And I've been meaning to... and you have kids now, oh my god, so cute.

You post all those great pictures.

Yeah, thanks.

And thank you for the flowers.

It's too bad you couldn't make it to either baby shower.

It was like, impossible to leave town with like life stuff and work, it's been insane.

For the last six years?

I'll have a white wine.

So, suburban life, how's that?

Very good, we're managing.

Managing, sounds promising.

How's your man Chad?



So what is it like, uh, the playdate soccer practices, dinners at six?

Actually I enjoy it.

It's the most important job I've ever had.

Good, 'cause nothing's as important like a four bedroom Tudor in Connecticut.

Better than herpes on a Grateful Dead poncho.

♪ Anyway ♪ That poncho was handcrafted in the fucking Appalachians.

So, how's the job, Elaine?

Oh, be awesome if I don't wanna kill myself by 9:15 in the morning.

And I didn't give you herpes.

Well somebody did.

And, cut!

Sylvia, hi.

I'm just kidding, the lighting was terrible.

Oh, you poor thing, I am so sorry.

Oh, and I did not mean that thing I just said.

I'm so sorry about Max.

But I remember that poncho.

Oh god, uh.

Once a filmmaker, always a filmmaker, huh?

Oh yeah, I guess so.

Sorry, can you delete that?

How does that, like work?

I mean it's not exactly L.A.

Larry. at least the herpes part...

I don't actually have... No, it's not, is it?

But I just, you know, I still like to dabble.

...I mean it's not contagious.

That'll be eight dollars.


My country's overrun with psychotherapists and Max, you know, he liked academic life.

He was the breadwinner, so.

Oh please, I think we'd all love to get away, move to Iowa, or...


Or Wisconsin.

30 miles from nowhere.

Exactly, I mean if I never saw another six-inch cockroach in the subway.

Oh, no cockroaches here.

The cold kills them.

And it's so civilized and quiet.

Just you and the great outdoors.

Well, it certainly is now.

Sylvia, I'm so sorry about Max, it's just...



It's so sad.

Do you want a drink?

Oh, no, no, no, I can't, I can't really.

So what happened?

Unless you don't... I mean, if it's private...

We should probably get Paul and head north before it gets dark.


Oh. Wait, what about Jack?

Oh, they missed their flight.


His girlfriend Amber, apparently she's coming too.



Smally Pauly!


Get over here!


Your bag.

Uh, yeah.

I'm just...


You look great, Paul.

Oh, totally, dude.

Starving social worker thing looks good on you.


What, I'm saying, fancy dinners make you fucking fat.

You look awesome.

So, how's the practice?

Oh yeah, reporting live, shrink good.

No, no, that was a slow news day.

Max would have killed for a story like that.

It was about the center, not me.

You're still a big deal though, huh?

Well no.

Yeah, yeah if it's on NPR it's a big deal.

Trust me I had to hear enough about it to know.

...but sometimes, these studies have unintended consequences.

There are casualties, psychologically speaking.

Well I don't get it, why would anyone...

This was a dedicated student wanting to please a professor.

Even stayed at the house for a time.

Jesus, sounds like a fucking prisoner.

Oh, no.

No, no.

It was just images that might be disturbing to people with certain constitutions.

But nothing tactile.

So what happened?

Well I mean he failed, pathologically speaking.

Did he quit?

He disappeared.

And I mean just gone without a trace.

The university opened an investigation so they canceled all Max's classes, his grants dried up overnight.

I mean as you know, Paul, an incomplete study is a useless one.



Oh my god.

What was that?

Should we stop?

No, gross, no.

We got a lot of stray dogs out here.

I'm sorry, I'm not good with...

Blood, yeah we know.

With the economy, people just stopped caring for them.

But they do what they have to do to survive...

-So sad.

...until they don't.

Okay, so how did Max do it, did you say?

Larry. Dude, come on.

A 1911 Colt 45.

I mean, I don't know from guns, but that's what the police told me.

I'm so sorry, Sylvia.

I'm glad we could be here.

We all are.

Those college years meant the world to Max.

You guys, the McHale Hall Crew.

It was the closest he ever got to family.

I think he always knew that you guys would be there in the end.

I can't believe it.

It looks exactly the same.

Ah, the memories.

This is very Big Chill.

Please, those people were like a hundred.

Ooh, we're like a hundred.

And didn't they all sleep together?

Did they?

I don't know, I'm assuming.

Don't they always?

Don't forget to sign the guestbook.

Even in death, Max would wanna know who was here.

He was always a stickler for detail.

He's not asking for a fucking cheek swab.

Anyhoo, I put you all in the loft.

Paul and Larry can take the twins.

Bess, you and Elaine can share the queen, you're good friends.

And I put Jack and his girlfriend in the back bedroom.

Pssh, per usual.

Max's mother and I will be in the main house if you need anything.

Oh, I didn't know Norma was living here.

She's been staying here year-round for the last few months now.

She was having some... confusion, and Max was always fascinated by the aging process, so she's here but her mental state is not.

Oh wow.

But you don't turn away family, so.

Paul, your father, didn't he have...

Yeah, it's not easy.

Amazing what strain does to the human brain.

So, uh, the kitchen's the same.

We're still on well water.

The filtration system is not what it used to be so you might catch a little sediment.

It has its own flavor but it's drinkable, and oh!

Oh! Ugh.

Oh, for goodness sake.


Maisy, get in here!

Oh, that cat.

Max used to work out here in the guesthouse.

Maisy would bring him a dead rat every morning.

Guess she misses him too.

Well anyhoo, it's one less rat for you to have to worry about.

Okay, so the cellphones, they don't work up here.

You'll have to use the landline if you wanna make outside calls.

I left some menus in case you want to order food.

There are only two or three places that will deliver this far out so I would say Top Ling's Chinese is the best of them.

Ooh, I'd kill for a pork bun.

I remember.

Just stay away from Caldova Lucha.

We're so hard to find and all they have are these kids driving.

Half of them never even make it.

God forbid we had a real emergency.

We'd be decomposing by the time the cops got here.

Thank you...

All of you, for coming.

It means the world to us.

Wow, she perked right the fuck up.

I'm exhausted, no wonder he offed himself.

She's lonely.

She probably hasn't talked to anyone in months.

Weren't they gonna get a divorce 10 years ago?

They got married 10 years ago.


Guys, can we focus on food, I'm starving.

Wow, does Chinese food in Wisconsin not sound good?

There's Indian here too and Thai.

It's the midwest, shouldn't there be cheeseburgers?

Well, they probably don't deliver to the middle of fucking nowhere.

Oh, come on, you loved it here.

You were the slut of Chez Lehman.

Was I?

It was like hunting season, man.

Everyone's date was fair game.

Grouch much?

I'm just saying I always drove home with a full pack of condoms and an awkward car trip to look forward to.

Well dude, you can't spend four nights in the woods and spend three of them with chicks crying on your shoulder.

No one wants to have sex with their fucking teddy bear.

Yeah, okay.

So, dumplings?

Yes ma'am.


Okay, if I have to.

Uh, not a word.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Not a word.

Sure it is.

Meaning? Bruns.

I don't know what it means, but I know it's a word.

We'll never know, will we?

Not without wifi, we won't.

How does a guy with a PhD not have a dictionary?

Language of the mind.

Words are superfluous.

As are ethics, apparently.

There, there it is.

Did you hear that?


Like a buzzing, I keep hearing this hum.

Scientists are always misunderstood.

Like Mengele.

I don't hear anything.

It's gone now.

You seriously equating Max with a Nazi?

Well, why do you have the right to torment people just because you have a degree and some funding?

They weren't tormenting people, they vet these studies, you can't do...

Do they thought?


Where'd it go?

You know, just because you work with the unwashed masses doesn't mean that all shrinks are saints.

Did I say that we were?

Nothing like paying a guy like 200 dollars an hour to tell you your life sucks.

Now you're a sad sack and a sucker.

You would make a terrible patient.

Damn right.

I don't need some dick in a turtleneck to tell me how to process my feelings.

I don't think people wear turtlenecks anymore.


Max isn't a dick, he's a scientist and he is your friend.

Was, Paul, he was a scientist.

None of us have seen him in years.

Who knows what he is now?


He's dead now.

Okay, whatever.

This kid knew what he was getting himself into, otherwise he shouldn't have signed on the dotted line.

What, what was he like, 18?

Think of us at 18.

Caveat emptor.

Crazy always finds its way out.

Who's ready to party?!

What is up?

Hey Jack.

Oh, baby girl!

There he is!

Hey buddy.

Good to see you, buddy.

Yo, man, how you been? It's been a long time!

Yeah it's been a while, I'm good.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, let me help with those.

So you're a model, is that right?

Give up the dream, Larry!

Once you go Jack, you never go back.

You got me, I'm a dreamer.

You don't change, man.

Oh thank god, someone brought booze.

So this is...?

Oh, Amber.

Amber this is everyone.

Hey. Hello.

So, who's ready to grieve into a 2008 Pinot?

Lucky for you, we went shopping.

We got spray cheese.

Beef jerky.

Glow in the dark condoms.

So come on, fill me in!

Do we know why this fucker offed himself?

Yeah, he didn't talk to me for like two weeks because I wouldn't fill out that dumbass sex survey.

Oh god the sex survey.

Am I the only one who filled that out?

You sucker!

He was like Houdini, man, he got you every time.

Because it was flattering though, I mean I think we all want to be the subject of something.

The quickest way to get your ass broken up with is to be honest about your sex habits.

Cause and effect, man.

We get dumped because of his shitty survey and then he gets his pick of our exes?

Yeah, pick exes!

Oh he would have loved you.

Absolutely, totally.


But what, no, whatever, that was, it was a psych study.

That wasn't like a sex plot.

Well, you two had your level of shit going on.

It was college man, it was competitive.

Yeah, then you had to rat him out to the IRB for quoting a fucking science journal.

It was a little more than just a quote.

Well it's none of your business is what it was, Mr. Rogers.

Or was it?

Guys, shut up.

Got you the grant though, didn't it?

Yeah, it did, because you don't get funding unless you have numbers.

Right, which you're not gonna have if all your friends are ratting you out.

Oh Larry, come on.

I apologized, okay?

I'm still apologizing.

Hey, you don't have to apologize to me, man.

Pickaxe for a pickin' ass!

Oh yes.

Shirt down, babe, we can see your tits!

Thank you for that.

Do you need help with those?

Oh, I do. Yo!

Okay, the only way that having sex with a stranger does not count as cheating is if you're a hooker.

Then it's like your nine to five.

Holy shit, what the hell is that?

Whoah, whoah, whoah, where you going, dude?

It's a woman.

It's a ghost.

Why is he talking to it?

Holy shit! What the hell?

Oh my god, is that a wolf?

Get out of here!

Go on, shoo!

Do you have dogs?

No, she's just an alpha.

I can also be beta.

Oh, I totally have the shakes, dudes.

Oh, shit like detox shakes?

'cause I think I killed the bottle.

How many does that make?

Oh don't judge.

I'm the only one here with no hope of getting laid.

Hello, married.

I don't think pork buns is getting laid.

It's a funeral, you really wanna get laid at a funeral?

That was Norma.

She said she was looking for Max.

She didn't even recognize me.

Oh, what was in those pork buns?

Bartendo, what have we got?

Ah, whiskey, two lights and a zinfandel.


Top Ling just tried to kill me.

I want red, white, and a little bit of Jack.

Oh you want a little bit of Jack?

You want a bit of Jack?

Come here.

Oh shit!

What the fuck?

What the...?

Oh fuck.

Whoah, you all right?

Yeah fine, fine.

I'm just getting used to the well water.

Oh yeah, it's like an egg being filtered through a fucking diaper.

Yeah, hey, was anyone in the basement just now?

Uh, not unless that kid came back for his dignity.



What's up, you're tense.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Yeah, dead friend.

Are you missing the little people?

The rocky marriage?


Oh please.

We're managing?

I mean, I know a sinking ship when I see one.

Believe me, I've sunk two of them.

Karen, oh, really?

Yeah, it's all over but the signing.

Oh Larry, I'm sorry, that's awful.


It's not so bad.

Off, what do you say we revisit the summer of '05?

You have puke breath.


Oh my god!

What happened?!

Oh my god, there's somebody out there.

Oh my god.

He was on the balcony.

He was there up against the glass like a vampire.

A hot one?


Babe, you're tired.

No, there's somebody out there!

Did you see a ladder?


Did you see wings?

Oh my god, fuck you!

'Cause you know last time I checked, man couldn't fly.

I can't believe I forgot she does this.

We used to call it pulling a Cho.

Well, I mean we could just like adjust her, right?

Please, I've lifted her off the bathroom floor before.

She's like a concrete slab.

Okay well, I'll sleep with her, and you can push the twins together.

After 20 years of wussing out, now you're gonna make your move?

I will leave my clothes on.

Of course you will.

No, no, we'll take the twins.

Like old times.

Why are we always the ones stuck in the balcony while everyone else played the sick card or fucked their faces off in the actual bedroom?

Yeah, that sounds familiar.

I mean I didn't really have any options, but you...

No, I was surrounded by wolves.

Well the pack leader ain't getting any tonight, not after those pork buns.

This room used to be dark.

Seems exactly the same.

Just a little older.

A little drunker.

And without all the baggage.

Yeah right.

Good night.

Good night, E.

Can you tell me a story?


Come on, a short story.

Sleeping time.

That's my face. I know.


Hope you slept okay.

Oh yeah... hi!

What time is it?

Breakfast time.

Oh Sylvia, we should be taking care of you.

Oh, no, no, don't be silly, you're my guests.

Who is it?

Just thought you might need a little something to soak up the booze.

Oh no, I'm so sorry, were we loud?

No, no, I just figured old college crowd.

Max always said you guys were a little wild.

Oh you should have joined us.

No, no, I don't drink anymore.

Oh god.


You okay?

So I picked these up in town.

People are closing down early, what with the weather coming in.

Is it supposed to rain?

Rain, hail, maybe a tornado if we're lucky.

We call it flood season.

Sometimes it's best to just lock up and sit tight.

Oh wow, I'm sure, so...

Of course the dead don't wait on the rain, do they?

I'll be back in a bit to pick you up for the service.


That is so loud.

I don't think it's ever even worked.

There's probably produce from 1998 down there.

Oh, wow.

Who throws up in the kitchen sink?

Says the man who spent half the night in the bathroom.

How dare you.

I was poisoned by pork buns.

That woman was poisoned by wine and youth and stupidity.

Ah, she was nervous, she's 23.

Pretty sure I was waking up in a pool of my own vomit at 23.

I remember, you were.

Now I have the tolerance of an Irish seaman.

Vomit aside, I was thinking I might tap that.

Oh Larry.

I am kidding.

You've been stealing girlfriends for 20 years.

Give someone else a chance.


Fuck me.

I guess the storm's coming in.

That's better.

That's nice.


Hi, sorry, sorry, did I, sorry.

I thought I'd bring aspirin and some water, a little hair of the dog, if you're so inclined.

Oh yes, doggy needs some hair.

Okay here you go.

Do you want the aspirin bit, too?

-Oh yeah.

Was it bad?

Which part?

I kind of threw up a little bit.

Oh my god, you did?

Okay, in the sink, yeah.

It's better than in the fridge.

I guess, yeah.

Besides you made Larry feel better.

He thinks we forgot he was shitting pork buns all night.

I just, I don't usually drink whiskey.

I'm more of a pink wine kind of girl.

Well, desperate times.

Oh my god, do I seem desperate?

No, no, no, it's a quote.

Oh my god, 'cause I usually drink when I get nervous.

And then I saw that thing in the window.

-I get it.

It's kind of hard to be the newbie among crazy people.

Jack gets really annoyed.

Please, he's lucky to have you.

At least I kept my clothes on, right?

Oh my god, he's gonna kill me.

No, it was nothing.

I mean you flashed us.

-Oh that's so embarrassing.

But it was super fast, like too fast.

And no, it's not, because you have... a great rack.



Thank you.

You're welcome.

Maybe you should get drunk and nervous more often.

What the hell?

Jack, what are you doing?

I thought you might need help.

No, I'm good.

Baby, I know you're having trouble reaching your back.

Knock it off, give me a towel.

Hey, summer of '02, what do you say?

Jack, it's his funeral, I'm not gonna...

What, cheat on him again?


Come on, babe.

There's a statute of limitations on all that.

Especially when the injured party is dead.

You have a girlfriend in the other room.


So, she was vomiting, maybe you should go and...

We could go canoeing.

Maybe you should go check on her.

I won't tell Max if you don't.

Mmm, that feels good.

Mm, totally.

Who knew?

As a kid, I used to love having my arm tickled.

But the neck feels good too.

What the hell, what happened?


There were fucking cockroaches!

Oh my god, there was like thousands of them, they're everywhere!

They're bugs, Amber.

I know they're bugs, Jack.

Why are you wet?

What's up, what's going on?

There are cockroaches in the bed!


In our bed, ugh!

That's disgusting, I thought there weren't...

No, it's a lie.

Cockroaches do not die in Wisconsin.

They come inside to get warm in your fucking seat.

Oh god I feel like there's one in my mouth.

Wait, there was a cockroach?

Not a cockroach, Paul!

Like 60 of them!

And they were...

On you, we get it.

Just calm down, so we can...

Get out of here?

We're not going anywhere, babe.

We got a funeral to go to.

I didn't know him.

I'm not going.

In the woods, they're bugs.

Maybe the wind just blew something open.

Like your pants?


It's like the end of the world out there.

Nope, just Wisconsin in October.

Jesus, she's like a ninja.

Okay, time to say our goodbyes.

We are here to celebrate the life of Maxwell Lehman, who now returns to his home with our God, the Father.

With each flower, we give our love, our hearts, our commitment to cherish your memory.

May you find more peace among God's angels and may your tortured soul find solace in the afterlife.

Here you go.

Thanks, I'll...

No, for the coffin. Sure.

No, that's okay, that's okay.

I didn't really know him.

No, any friends of Jack's is a friend of Max, please.


These guys really miss you, and, uh, wherever you are...

Oh my god!

Grab my hand!

Grab my hand, give me your hand!


Well, it was a very nice service, all things considered. Short and sweet.

Max was never one for sentiment.

I just wish that his colleagues had come, you know, show a little remorse.

Scientist can be so cold-hearted when they want to be.

I remember.

Milk-livered man.

Thou bear'st a cheek for blows, a head for wrongs.

-Norma, please.

Pluck out his eyes!

She thinks that she's back in Pittsburgh, doing some kind of...

King Lear.

We did it in my cold reading class.

Madness can be so unforgiving.

You just gotta hope it's not genetic, right Paul?

I'm sorry?

Your dad, with his early onset.


Stink... shit.


See it can happen so fast.


Max is dead, Norma.

He's dead.

She gets this way, I'm sorry.

No, no.

I think it's time for us to go.

So what the hell is that about your dad, dude?

Doesn't matter.

Oh, come on.

I thought it was shitty.

People grieve in different ways, you know.

When my dog Sparky died, I got drunk for a week and I went skeet shooting.

I've never gone skeet shooting a day in my life.

Death does strange things to people.


Why is it freezing in here?

Where is the fucking firewood?

Out there.

Oh, no thank you.

I'll go.

I'll go.


I'm the perfect human.

I work in non-profit.

I just offered to go get wood.

You're welcome.

It's not his fault he's chivalrous and you're a dick, Larry.

Hey, at least I still have mine.

You seen the size of those fucking ticks out there?

They don't want your dick, trust me.

How would you know?

Yeah, we really missed out.

You didn't.

Whatever, not worth it.

Ever the pacifist.

Why, because I don't care about your tick-bait dick?

No, because you don't care that someone called your dad crazy and said it's only a matter of time for you!

The woman is grieving, man, she just lost her husband!

I'm not gonna be a jerk about it!

No, of course not.

It would ruin your reputation as a fucking saint!

Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about.

There it is, there it is, let it out.

Fuck you!

Okay, you satisfied, prick, fuck you.


Hey, hey, stop it.

Well, there goes your peace prize.

I'll come with you, Paul.

Let's go get tick bit.

Don't pay attention.

They do this all the time.

Where are they going?

For a screw.

Yeah right.

So she dates girls, right?

Most lesbians do.

Paul's really nice.

And so is Mr. Rogers.


That old dude that used to ride tiny trains with a bunch of puppets on them?

That's really creepy.


That's why I always come on when you least... expect it.

Oh, Jesus fuck!

Oh man damn, that was... fuck.

It's a raccoon.

The size of a horse?

Damn, how many of them are there?

Oh my god, that's him.

What, who?


What about him?

That's the man.

That's the man that I saw.

In this picture?

No, in the window.

Babe, have some water.

No, no, I saw him yesterday.

And today I thought...

It couldn't be.

Why not?

'Cause that's Max.

Who's Max?

Max, the guy we just buried.

He's dead.

Very dead.

Not anymore.


Man it sucks out there.

You guys okay?

Yeah, yeah we're fine.

Just a little tipsy.

As you should be.

Man, the window in the kitchen busted.

Yeah, 'cause it's a fucking thousand years old.

All right, I'm gonna call a cab.

Huh, I don't blame you.

Can I come?

Oh yeah, because they're everywhere.

Just hop on down the corner and fucking hail one.

Okay, well I'm not staying here.

We're in Wisconsin, babe.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

You wanted to come.

I want to milk cows, I want to eat cheese.

I didn't know that we'd be in a shack in the middle of the woods with fucking dead people and rabid dogs in the walls!

Well it's not really a shack.

I said it was rustic!

This is not rustic, Jack.

This is survival!


Hi, I need a cab to the airport please.

No, I know, I know.

Where are we?

The Lehman house.

The Lehman house.

Black Hill road.

On Black Hill road.



Maybe there's service in the main house.

Or Sylvia could drive us.

The woman just buried her husband.

We can't ask her to drive 30 miles in a rainstorm.

That's what happens when you live in the middle of the fucking boonies.

You have to drive people places, deal with it.

Dude, let it go.

If you wanna act like a pussy, do it on your own time.

I didn't cheat a dead guy out of a fucking science grant

20 years ago, I have nothing to apologize for so don't include me in your fucking never ending mea culpa.

So sleeping with his girlfriends doesn't count?

Oh Jesus, it was college, asshole, who didn't sleep with his girlfriends?

You did?


No, I... maybe.

I don't know.

We're here, okay.

We all did shit we're not proud of but we're here now so can we please try to be civilized for a goddamn second?

And who the fuck finished the wine?

You have a drinking problem.

No fucking duh.

Who the hell has a funeral in the middle of the damn woods anyway?

Oh Max does, of course he does.

God forbid he make anything easy.

It's like making people go to your wedding in Columbus, Ohio on New Years Eve.

You didn't have to come, Larry.

No one dragged you there.

The roads are closed, Amber.

No one's gonna drive you.

Then I'll walk.

Fine, go.

You wanna go?!

Hey, whoah.

You wanna go. Don't touch me!


Hey, if you wanna go, go.

You can't even catch the right train to Brooklyn.

You think you're gonna find the fucking airport?

Good luck!

Oh, come on!

What the fuck?

I'm sorry.

I tried to call but the lines are down.

Yeah, we got that.

Nature's way of telling us to unplug I guess.

Any trouble with the rooms?

Actually, kind of, yeah.

Do you have...

-Yeah, the kitchen window broke.

Oh geez.

We're fine.

We're actually not fucking fine.

Oh geez, I am sorry, the windows.

But don't worry about it.

We can just use one of these.

I brought these tarps, in case, um, we had some leaking in the crawlspace a while back and I'm a little worried about the foundation.

Of the fucking house?

Under it, really.

Oh is that the animal farm you got down there?

'Cause they were having a fucking dance party earlier.

Oh, I don't think so.

An animal could barely fit in there.

We used to have raccoons but Max chased those away years ago.


No, the only thing that's there is old boxes and dust.

Huh, well this was not dust.

It was like a couple fat guys on a treadmill.

So you might wanna maybe reset your traps or something.

We don't really do traps.

The only killing that we do out here is of the mercy variety.

Oh my god.

Anyhoo, here are the tarps, Paul.

If you don't mind checking the crawlspace when you get a chance.

It's just no handyman till after the storm passes.

Yeah, mmhmm, yeah sure.


It's through the carport.

And, um... under the house.


Listen, Sylvia.

A few of us were thinking about heading out a little early, you know just get ahead of the rain, you know.

Yeah, any chance you could drive us to the airport?

Oh, well I mean I would but the roads are washed out.

But they should be clear by daybreak.

Morning daybreak?

Yeah, happens every October through March.

Nature's curfew.

That's really cute.

If the lights blow, we keep candles and a kerosene lamp or two in the back of the basement.

May as well just shelter from the storm.

Maybe we should pack it in, try to sleep.

I'm too wired to sleep.

I'm probably too sober.

What is the deal with this thing?

Does the garbage disposal even work?

Maybe Amber's right, this is kind of fucked up.

Oh please, she's a ding dong.

Hey Paul, this thing is totally clogged.

Maybe the pump is broken.

She's not a...

I mean she's young and hot.

Hey Paul, can you please check the well?

She's not an idiot.

Nice of you to defend her.

Well, because she doesn't even want a beer, give her a break.


Uh, Sylvia?

Oh, good, it's you.

Could you give me a hand, Paul?

Oh, I was just coming down to check the well.

The sink's all backed up.

Oh, sorry about that.

There really is no good way to dispose of these.

What do you care?

It's not like you're gonna remember anyway.

You'll be blacked out by nine.

What the fuck?

I mean, two baby showers, Elaine?

Oh my god.

And you didn't come to Jojo's, you didn't come to Sally's.

She's your step-kid.

She was four years old!

She was two and a half and she was still my first baby!

Seriously, who doesn't visit their best friend just because they live a fucking bus ride away?

It's Connecticut, Bess, not a bus ride.

It's called the Metro North, Elaine, and it takes about an hour and a half!

You're right, I'm so sorry!

Between paying two rents, changing adult diapers and keeping my mom from falling down the stairs, I definitely had time for a joyride to the suburbs!

We would have come in, okay?

We could have come to the funeral, taken you out to lunch, taken you to the park.

Oh because going to a fucking petting zoo with your perfect family is exactly how I want to spend my first days as an orphan!

You made a choice!

You were all about work.

You never once talked about having kids!

Oh how could I?

You never for a second stopped fucking talking about yours!

Everyone okay?

I think we unclogged the sink.

Oh, come on, dudes!


I'm gonna change.

Of course it doesn't.

Come on.

Oh gosh.

I should be listening to my uh oh feelings.

Ah, smells like shit down here.

That's what I tell the kids.

Listen to their uh oh feelings.

What are they, five?

They're fucking idiots.

I don't see any lamps.

Okay, hold up, would you please?

She said back of the basement, ah.

Back of the basement.

Come on, Larry.

I'm sure it's in here.


Yeah, maybe some old Playboys back here.

Blow up sex doll.

That'd be fun, huh?

Okay, wait.

Is this it, this is one of those, um...

Oh yeah, that's, let me see.

Camping lamps, right? Yup.

I think you just...

I think you just...

Yup. Ah, cool.


We have light.

Oh, it smells like a damn public bathroom, man.

It was like a stack.

It was like a stack of animals, dude.

And Sylvia was just...

Dude, I don't wanna know, man.

I'm sorry, I can't.

I just, I don't have my pipe here and I just...

I'm not high enough to hear this shit.

And you definitely can't be telling the girls.

We cannot take any more crazy right now.

Fine, can you just hand me the tarps please?

You know, you're nuts, man.

The last thing we should be doing is Sylvia's damn housework.

Right, whatever, come on.

You know, that's why she asked you.

She knew that you would be the only sucker to say yes.


Look at that.

Is it on?

Yeah, say cheese.

Maybe Sylvia's working on a rat documentary.

Wanna say a few words?

Turn it off, it's super creepy.

You look really hot in this light.

Shut up.

Maybe Max has a science blog, LonelyMax15.

Right, Max on the internet.

He wouldn't even be in photographs.

Okay, let's see.

Let's see what's on it.

No, Larry, stop, okay, what if he's masturbating or something?

I don't want that image in my head.

Dead guy jacking off?


And, ah, not naked.

Needs a shower maybe but...

Oh, Max.

Yeah, uh.

Those were some really great years.

You know, you guys, you were the McHale Hall Crew, and...

...my best friends, so.

I know I'll see you on the other side, so...

Forgive me.

What the fuck?

Oh Jesus.

Why did you show me that?

Why the fuck did we watch that, you asshole!

I didn't know.

I didn't know!

How was I supposed to know that he was gonna off himself on camera?

She didn't tell us.

She did, remember?

She said he asked for us.

Not before he offed himself, she didn't say that!

Well, she didn't have to, we got to see for ourselves.

Why didn't he say anything?

I mean who did he have, Sylvia?

He had us.

Yeah, right.

He should have told somebody.


He's a therapist.

Another fucking therapist, I don't know.

Fuck, Larry, we shouldn't have seen that.

It was private.

Please, she didn't take the tape out.

The camera was on.

Well maybe it was a shrine or something too painful to deal with.

So she sends us down here to get candles and kerosene lamps?

Oh shit.

Um... uh dude?

I think there's something in...

Ah shit! No, fuck, get off!

Get the fuck off!


Goddamn shit!

The fuck?


You all right, man?

No, I'm, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

He reloaded?

Is that Sylvia?


Not exactly sheltering from the storm.

What was that?

Oh Jesus.

Oh my god.


What, what, come on, come on!

It won't budge!

I can't do it, it's just locked.

Guys! Guys!

Hey guys!

You are a saint, dude.

Not enough people like you in this world.

Thanks, man, thanks.

Oh shit man, what happened?

Oh, there's this... You gotta wrap that, man, that is nasty.

Thanks man, I'll do that.

Hey, so what'd you find?

Any cash?

Oh no, it's just a bunch of junk.

Total hoarders huh?

Yeah, yeah some people don't know when to let things go.

Hey guys! Guys!

Where the fuck did everybody go?

Fuck, I can't get through that.


Do you hear that?


Yo guys!

Who is that?

Fuck if I know.

Maybe Jack and Gandhi are done underneath the house.

It doesn't sound like Jack.

Yeah, sure shit ain't Paul.

Holy shit!

Open the fucking door!

Help guys!

Hey, hey, hey!

Fuck, fuck, come on!


What the hell, dudes, what are you doing?

Going to second fucking base, what do you think we're doing?!

Well what happened?

It's Max.



He's fucking back.

What you said was that you saw Max shoot himself.

We did.

Well who the hell is gonna kill a guy twice?

Fuck me, come on!

He was right there, I swear.

Told you.

There was fighting, okay?

Someone was fighting, we heard a thump and then suddenly his dead ass body is on the ground staring back at us.

The same dead ass body we buried this afternoon?

I don't know.

Okay, so where's the body?

I mean did he walk away?

I don't see drag marks.

Well, it's been raining.

What are you, CSI guy now?

Wanna test for fucking coat fibers?

What happened to your arm?

All I'm saying is that if there was a body it would be here.

Well so maybe that freaky kid dug up Max's body and he's running around scaring the shit out of people with it.


Hold on, babe.

I don't know, it's Wisconsin.

What do people do for fun around here?

So an 18 year old's gonna drag around a 200 pound dead man?

Maybe he had help.

Who would do that, another student, a member of the faculty?



Jack, what is that?

Just a second, babe.

I don't know dude, I don't know why.

Max wasn't exactly the easiest to get along with.

But he's not a monster, man.

I mean you wouldn't dig him out of the ground over it.

To someone out there, death was not punishment enough.




Oh... oh shit.

Oh god.


Are you all right, man?

What the fuck was that, man?

What the fuck was that?

Oh my god, it's a trap, a fucking animal trap.

Look at that shit!

It's gotta be like a trip line right, for the dogs, to keep them off the property!

What was that?

We've gotta get out of here.

No, we have to take him to a hospital

'cause he doesn't look good.

We're gonna have to ask Sylvia to borrow her car.

No, fuck that, we're gonna take it.

I'm not stealing a car, Larry!

You know what, you stay here and console the fucking widow.

And tell him how bummed you are that her husband keeps showing up covered in blood.

But I am done here!

We have to tell Sylvia.

I mean it's gotta be a prank!

Oh because this is really, really funny.

And even if it's not, I mean if somebody is desecrating her husband's grave she has a right to know!

Okay fine, you want to tell Sylvia someone dug up her husband, now's you're chance.

Good luck with that, dude.

Oh that's typical.

What was that?

You, sticking your neck out, it's not really your thing, is it?

What the hell, man, now you're gonna ball up?

It's cool, I'll go.

No, no, no, fuck that, I'll go.

Yeah, up to you.

Let's go!

You picked the fucking hell of a time to ball up, dude.

I'm taking her car.

I'll come too.

What? What?

Or I could stay here, you know if Amber needs me.

Bess can stay!

I'll be back in a sec, babe.

If you leave without me, I will find you, set fire to your apartment and tell your girlfriend we fucked in the shower.

You must be an amazing mother.

I'm serious, Jack.

Don't you fucking start that engine without me.

What are you gonna do with a knife, the guy's already dead!

You're right, you're totally right.

I need a shotgun.

Can you fire a shotgun?

No, okay, but like an ax or something.

But we like to have decapitate him.

Okay, you watch a lot of TV.

Sorry, I don't want my brains eaten.

Look, look, there's that wack job student of Max who's just pissed off decides to freak out his wife to fuck up his body, I don't know, people are sick.

Knives, knives.

Will you stop it, you don't need a knife!

How do you know?

How do you know that he's not gonna come back with a dead guy, with a whole bunch of dead guys?

Amber, stop it!

It's about to be the zombie freaking apocalypse in here!

Amber, stop!

Mrs. Lehman? Norma?

Louder. Norma?

Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Lehman.

Oh my god, wait, a camera.

This place is a dump, there's nothing to steal.

They're not watching the house.

They're watching us.

Norma, it's Jack and Elaine, Max's friends.

Can we come in?

We're looking for car keys, to Sylvia's car.

Do you mind if we...


Norma, sorry to wake you.

Do you have the keys to Sylvia's car?

Oh no, no, don't get up, we can.

Oh shit, holy shit.

What the fuck, is she dead?



Oh fuck, what the fuck?

Out, out!

Out out out now, get out now, now!

I found another one.


Found one.

Over the sink, sick fucks.

Points directly at the toilet.

Hah, they asked for it.

You put a camera in the bathroom, you're gonna see some shit.

Oh, come on!

Hey! Open up!

What the hell, dude?


Are you watching or playing?

'Cause either way, you're paying.

Hello, anybody home?

You don't seem particularly concerned.

Norma's been going downhill for a very long time now.

Well, there's nothing I can do until the phone lines are up.

What about the rat massacre?

It's hardly a massacre.

Maisy used to kill one rat a day.

Well, it's not my job to monitor my husband's work, strange as it is.

Then what's with all the cameras?

Oh, Max got nervous.

He received a bunch of phone calls and threatening emails.

This place is wired like the fucking White House.

He was afraid he was being targeted.

By scientists?

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Where are Paul and Larry?

They're not with you?

Where's Max?

Max is dead, Jack.

You sure about that?

I don't have to listen to this.

You do, if you ever wanna see your creepy ass footage again.


I got 'em.

Good, so you tell us where Paul and Larry are, why Max's corpse keeps showing up, or Amber burns every memory card in this house.

Oh, it's Max's project.

I don't particularly care.

Although I'm sure it's exactly what he would have expected of you.

Not me, he didn't know me.

Well he didn't need to, you're kind of obvious.

You see, human nature never disappoints.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Follow me.

No, no, no, no.

Well I can't really explain it to you.

I wouldn't do it justice.


But I know just the one who can.

If we're not back in 15 minutes, burn them.

Oh my god, Larry?

What the hell, Max?

Please, please don't touch them.

These are consenting adults, albeit implied.

Jesus, what the hell?

I said don't touch them!

Whoah, I don't believe this.

Sylvia, Sylvia, put down the gun.

I'm sorry, that doesn't feel right.

Now Max would explain everything but our creative differences have rendered him speechless.

So, I will.

Oh Sylvia, please, can we just...

Back the fuck up!

Back the fuck up.

Now if he could speak, Max would say he had no choice.

An unfinished study is a worthless one and I promised him that we would finish it together.

But I'm all about the art.

And he's all about the science which does get annoying.

Sylvia, come on.

It's a damn college study!

What the fuck?!

Shit, Sylvia!

So uh, we've had to give each other a little space.

Healthy in any marriage.

Shut up, Max.


Did you guys know that in World War II only 25 percent of soldiers actually fired their weapons at an exposed enemy soldier?

Our mammalian brains, our dog brains kept getting in the way.

Reluctance to kill one of our own species, can you believe that?

What a waste of government spending.

I'm very uncomfortable right now.


Stimulate that amygdala enough, that fear center, follow it up with a little loathing, make it personal, and that little dog brain just goes to sleep.

Just a little nap, just long enough to pull the trigger and then, voila!, your ordinary citizen becomes an instant soldier.

As you can see Jack, it's not just a damn college study.

This is a potentially game changing tactic of war!

That's really fucked up.

Isn't it?

But no ending, no cash.

So Max's friends were the obvious choice.

The perfect petri dish of boring middle class America.

Just give us our friend and we will go.

Which friend?

You can only have one.

Shut up, Jesus, I cannot think with you moaning all the time!

Hey, hey, hey, what did I say, what did I say?

If it was up to you we would still be on the web searching for fucking zip ties.

Now shut it!

Sylvia, you don't need to do this.

This is Max's fucked up thing.

I mean you're like the real deal, you do documentaries.

No one funds documentaries anymore.

Unless they're about orphans in Sudan or fat people in America!

Max was in on all of this of course.


Until now.

This is where we part ways, creatively.


And literally too, I suppose.

Yo, Max, are you...?

Guess I don't know my own strength.

Well, it's time to put it to some good use.

Shit, man!

Ooh, I might have to make that hole bigger.

Oh come on, Sylvia.

If you kill us, your project's dead.

You're just part of the story.

You're ultimately dispensable.

No, no, no, if we're not back, Bess and Amber are gonna burn all the footage.

You really think they'll still be there?

Yeah I do.

You would.

You are relentlessly optimistic for someone with such a sad little life.

Oh no.

Oh I didn't say that, he did.

Now's your chance to get him back.

Get up!

Oh shit! Hey, hey!

Get the fuck up before I kill off your character!

Still gotta have an ending.

So, here's the deal.

One of you could run and have a 10 percent chance of making it out that door.

If all of you run at the same time, your odds go up to 40, maybe 50 percent but the odds that I shoot your pal Larry here at close range are 100 percent.

So you might live but your friend will most certainly die, up to you.

Oh, well, you're eyeing the exit.

And who can blame you?

No sense in risking your life for someone who wouldn't even hail you a cab in the rain.

You're crazy.

Well, look around you.

It's all relative.

You're on the fence.

Oh, I can tell.

He's a dick of a friend, but, you're really in no condition to make any new ones.

Huh, I'd say misery loves company but you see your sad little life is the only thing keeping his sad little life from seeming comparatively less sad.

You really wanna sacrifice yourself to someone who's sitting here thinking at least I'm not you.

That's nice Larry, that's really nice.

But not you, Jack.

You never liked Larry.

He never let you forget that he was a lawyer, and you were selling phone bundles to housewives in the valley.

You make in a week what he makes in an hour, I mean that has gotta be hard.

Guys like Larry are what's wrong with this world, taking your jobs, your girlfriends, maybe it's time to take them back!

Hey, hey, hey.

It is not your turn to speak.

Well, I mean, come on.

I think we all knew that Connecticut thing wouldn't last.

You're hanging on by a small thread just calculating, how much more therapy you'll need to get over the latest trauma and how much guilt you should feel for refusing to fuck Larry in the kitchen last night for old time's sake.

Jesus, Bess.

What do you care?

She has a point.


I mean we may as well clear the air while we're all still breathing it.


Kill or be killed, my little lab rodents.

You choose.


Ah, you think the outcome would be obvious!

But the D.O.D. do love to have the numbers crunched!

Oh, I almost wish Max was here to see this!

But my film will finally show our work, my work, to the world!

All I need now is the perfect ending.

And there's nothing more final than fire.

All right, all right.

Paul, Paul.

Ma'am, you're gonna have to stay back.

No, no, no you don't understand, there's been a mistake.

Ma'am I don't have to understand, that's not my job.

No, but you can't just...

Ma'am I'm gonna ask you one more time.

He's a therapist, he's a pacifist!

With a loaded gun.

Paul would never hurt anyone, that's not him.

It isn't till it is, ma'am.

They don't walk around wearing a sign.

Ah, it's a shame too.

She was a real nice lady.

This is all wrong, okay?

He's not, he's the one who's unstable.

Well I'm not a doctor, ma'am.

I don't diagnose.

But you're all consenting adults.

And if you don't want to participate, you shouldn't sign the waiver.

The what?

Weaponizing fear.

A comprehensive study of the effects of fear on the human brain.

Sound familiar?

These your signature?

I didn't sign that.

Ah, at least someone's got some brains around here.

The things people do for money these days.

Okay folks.

We'll give you a ride down to the station.


Hey Max!

Yeah, what the fuck, man?

They'll take your statements in town.

Let's go.

No wait, no, no, no, wait wait.

What about that kid, that student, you know, he freaked out, he disappeared, and...

Dropped out of college.

Say it ain't so.

I mean, but look at him, his wife is dead, he's not even...

Who, Professor Lehman?

Ex Professor Lehman.

No ma'am, he still works at the university.

He runs that psychology department or something.

And he'll be the first to tell you...

Crazy always finds its way out.