$5 a Day (2008) Script

Crab cakes.

Your favorite.

Trying to bribe me, Mr. Martinez?

It's not a bribe.

It's a hot meal.


Fryer's still leaking.

How's your girlfriend?

He said he was going to fix it.

I tell him, but he keeps blaming everything on me.

If you downgrade us, he's gonna fire me.


See you tomorrow.

Flynn.

He wants to see you.

Hey.

Flynn.

Can I just say something?

If this is about the crab cakes--

It's not.

Seems your resume failed to mention a certain 11 months in jail four years ago.

You've done a good job here.

But we have a responsibility to the public trust, and you broke that trust.

I guess I did.


Hi.

Are you expecting someone?

Yeah.

Are you bribing me?

Well, yeah, okay. All right, it's a little bribe.


Oh, my God. What are you doing to me?

You can't play this song.

Don't tell me you don't like this song.

Turn it off.

Really?

Turn it off.

All right.

Don't move out.

I already moved out.

Please. Take the keys.

No, I don't need the keys.

I have another copy of them. You can keep them.

After two years, you know what I know about you?

I know two things about you:

You take steroids for dust mites.

It's for my allergies.

And you grind your teeth when you sleep.

That's why you get headaches.

That is-- that is not-- that's not true.

You know me. That's not true.

I've told you tons of stuff.

Nat called. I told you--

He said he's your father.

He's pretty chatty for a dead man.

I never said he was dead.

Yes, you did.

Well, he's dead to me, so...

Your name's not even Flynn.

Yes, it is.

All right, Flynn's my last name.

Hey, hey.

Maggie, I don't know what kind of stupid stories he's been telling you, but whatever it is, it's got nothing to do with us.

It's him. He's toxic.

What did he want?

He called to borrow money, right, collect?

I bet he was real charming too.

That's how he works.

He pulls you in.

He makes you feel sorry for him.

And before you know it, he's in your pocket.

Don't talk about him like that.

What?

He called to say he was dying, Richie.

He isn't dying, and don't call me Richie.

Why would he say he's dying if he isn't dying?

Because it's the only card he has left to play.

You don't understand.

He isn't dying.

He's lying.

Like father, like son.


I'll take the boat.


Flynn.

It's good to see you.

So welcome to my casbah.

Here.

You like boats.

I taught you to motor a boat. Yes?

No.

Of course, out on the harbor.

That was Uncle Al.

Al was in Rikers on that chop shop deal.

No, it was Al.

You're right.

You don't look sick.

Thank you.

You're listening to...

One second.

WNJ, New Jersey's home to the ticket giveaway.

The first caller who gets through will win two tickets to the sold-out 50 Cent concert.

Going to the first caller to say, "I love WNJ."

Caller, you're on the air.

This is Nat Santos, and I love WNJ.

Congratulations, Nat.

You just won two tickets to the sold-out 50 Cent concert.

Hold on. We'll get your info.

Congratulations.

Can we get your name and where to send the tickets?

Yes, Nat Santos, P.O. Box 981, Atlantic City.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well...

Santos, huh?

It's one of my aliases.

They have restrictions on how many times you can call in.

Don't shake your head.

Know what I can scalp these tickets for?

Cut my overhead for a month.

So you sit here all day trying to win freebies off the radio now?

When did you know me to sit around?

I got things to do. How about you?

Still behaving yourself?

Yeah, I'm trying.

Two tickets going out to the first caller who can correctly identify this band.

Duran Duran.

Spandau Ballet. Duran Duran.

Spandau Ballet.

Is it Spandau Ballet?

Spandau Ballet is correct.

You just won two tickets to the--

[radio shuts off?

You're right.

What am I doing here, Nat?

I can't remember the last time you called me Dad.

You told me you were dying.

You're obviously fine.

So what is it you need me for?

Want me to help you rig a bingo game at a golden age club?

That's so mean.

I don't do bingo anymore.

Since when?

Since... you get out.

I got a rotten egg inside my head.

It's a tumor.

Malignant, inoperable, and growing.

It's preoccipital, is the medical mumbo jumbo.

Sorry.

Me too.

You hungry?

I could use a cup of coffee.

Let's go.

So what are you up to these days?

Are you working?

Yeah, I'm a health inspector.

Really?

Is that good? How do you do that?

Well, I'm the guy who makes sure there's no mouse turds in your salad when you go to a restaurant.

That's good.

What? This is the coffee?

Yeah.

Help yourself.

I need you to drive me to New Mexico.

There's a treatment down there, some kind of experimental holistic thing.

They dunk you in mud, do chanting.

I don't know.

They need volunteers, so I get a freebie.

Maybe it's a waste of time, but I figure, what the heck?

Won't take more than a week, tops.

A week?

Are you serious?

Yeah. I'm not taking you.

Why can't you drive yourself?

Drive myself?

This thing's messing with my vision.

Why can't you get somebody else?

Don't you have any friends?

None that I don't owe money to.

So take a plane. You got all those vouchers.

Why don't you use them?

Doctor says altitude's bad also for my brain.

Makes for swelling.

Turn in here.

I want to show you something.

Hey.

Hey, Nat. Marty.

Meet my son.

What a thrill.

Nice to meet you.

Marty's been storing it for me in his humidor.

It keeps it soft.

Here, try it on.

What do you think it's worth?

I don't know.

Take a guess.

Nothing.

This is one of four jackets worn by Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.

Where'd you get this?

Bert Kruger.

You probably don't remember him.

He had car dealerships when you were a kid.

Kruger Motors. No.

Your mother worked there.

Anyway, he won the jacket in some charity raffle.

He gave it to your mother.

She left it behind when we broke up.

I was going to sell it, but then I thought, "No", "I keep it for Flynny.

If he wants, after I die, he can sell it."

It's a nest egg.

It's a bribe.

It's a jacket.

A nice jacket.

Looks good on you, don't you think?

Thanks, Marty.

I have to know, are you my wheel man or what?

Jeez.

You know, you're really putting me on the spot here.

I mean, I got a job.

I got commitments.

I only brought an overnight bag.

The fact is, I don't want you to do this.

I need you to.

I need to make things copasetic between us.

I know I've been a terrible father.

It's not a thing I can ignore.

Sometimes, for no particular reason, life hauls off and knocks you flat, slams you so hard against the ground, you think that all your insides are busted.

But if you look for something to replace what's broken, if you're lucky, you can find it.

You're all I have.

You really got a brain tumor?

You think I'd kid around about a tumor?

I do.

Come on.

Just say yes.

All right.

All right. You're the one.

All right.

You're pure, pure flame.

I'll drive you.

Blood is thick.

All right. All right.

Know what I'm saying? You behave.


And these glue traps are just plain gross.

High technology arrives with the push--

Thing you do now is try and forget it.

How, Pa?

How you gonna forget something like that?

What I'm trying to say is, now and then, for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just... haul off and knock him flat, slam him again' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted.

And you start looking around for something good to take the place of the bad.

As a general rule, you can find it.

Think you packed enough?

Cool, no?

New regulations at the airlines say you got 60 days to pick up unclaimed baggage.

After that...

This is the good stuff.

Louis Vuitton.

You're not going to be sorry.

I got this so totally worked out.

And you don't have to dip in your pocket for a thing, zip, zilch, not a crouton.

This trip's on me, ever last pillow chocolate.

That is good news.

Of course.

I got us set up in five-star places.

Wait'll you see.

You're going to be shocked and awed.

Let's go.


What ZIP code did you park in?

Oh, here's our ride.

Are you shittin' me?

Free wheels and gas for a year.

All I have to do is drive 1,000 miles a month.

No way. No, no, no.

Why not?

No, I'm not getting in there. I'm not getting in that.

Don't be a snob.

No.

You know what?

You are completely insane.

You're gone. Going, going, gone.

Get in the car.


Don't-- don't put that there.

Put that over here.

No, don't put that on. That stinks.

What about your Maggie?

Is it serious?

'Cause she's answering your telephone.

It is.

Don't do what I did.

Don't let go of something special, 'cause, in my experience, it comes along once.

Okay. Thanks for the advice.

She dumped you, right?

Yeah, I'm psychic.

Turn in here.

We need to make a stop.

What, you got to take a piss?

No, make a right. I got a surprise.

Just make a right.

What kind of surprise?

We just got on the road.

I was feeling good.

Little trim, a spruce-up, get back on the highway.

I don't need a little trim.

I promise you, these women are good, and it's not going to cost a dime.

What the heck?

They don't have their license? Big deal.

They're about to be very good at what they do.

Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah, Nat is one of our favorites.

He's up for anything. Oh, yeah?

He let me put his hair in a Mohawk last summer.

No.

I bet it was great growing up with a dad like that.

Yeah.

You know, if it wasn't for Nat, I wouldn't be here.

Tuition's real pricey.

What, he paid your tuition?

Not exactly.

But he knew a guy whose wife was having a hard time getting knocked up, so your dad thought of me, if you know what I mean.

I'm afraid to ask.

He sold my eggs.

Got me enough for a new car too.

Yep, Nat's the bomb.

Sherry, what have you done?

So much better.

You like it?

Yeah, yeah.

Tips.

All around excellent service.

30 free minutes. Enjoy.

Thank you.

I'm crazy about you. Okay.

Good?

They only do one haircut here, huh?

I always knew you had big hair.

Women, they take care of everything for me.

They're saints.

Flynn.

There's a good one.

What was that for?

Are you trying to blind me?

It's for my wallet.

When's the last time I had a picture of you?

My mug shot.

Does that thing even work anyway?

Three box tops and $1 .20 post and handling, of course.

30 days unlimited airtime.

It's promotional.

Take a couple.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Yeah?

When was the last time you actually paid for something?

You know how much I'm out-of-pocket in the last six months?

50 cents.

$900, and I've wanted for nothing.

Rent, food, sundries, entertainment, even.

That works out to under $5 a day.

Well, if you stopped eating, you'd cut it down to three.

Do you know how many people could do what I'm doing?

You may see a curious old person, but I see a good-looking older guy who's making the system work for him.

I do quite well, you know, in my modest way.

It's sort of monkish.

All I need is my bowl.

I go from village to village, tapping with my stick.

Who taught you how to drive?

You're a terrible driver.

You're a lot like me.


Nat.

Hey. Huh?

You all right. Yeah.

Food.

Let's eat.

Who planned this route? It's like an EKG.

It's worked out exactly.

We do a trip down memory lane, plus there's an lHOP and a Chevron station every 300 miles.

I get free gas.

It's the best of all possible worlds.

Let's go.

Every day's my birthday, 'cause I got a guy who does drivers licenses.

Watch.

Welcome to lHOP.

Thank you, darling. ls Jones on the grill?

Oh, God, no. He died years ago.

No. Enough said.

May he rest in peace.

We'll have a window booth.

Window booth.

You might not remember Jonesy.

Wonderful Reuben sandwich.

Thank you.

What's the most expensive dish you have?

Chicken combo.

It's $11 .99.

We'll have two.

Yes.

Ma'am?

Right here.

Thank you.

Make a wish.

Nah-- Grab the bone.

I don't do that stuff. Come on.

No, it's voodoo stuff.

Come on. Don't be a stick in the mud.

Grab the bone.

I'm not superstitious. Grab the bone.

I wish I could run across my own private beach and jump in the ocean.

What about you?

You wanted a boat.

I used to want a lot of things.

Altoona.

We had good times here.

Are you serious?

This was our turf.

Father and son.

You want to know the last time I called you Dad?

It was right here in Altoona.

I said, "Thanks, Dad," right after they found me guilty of grand larceny.

I took my eye off the ball.

Definitely, I did.

I was willing to do the time.

You had a record.

You would've done ten years.

And then you hired that clown impersonating a lawyer.

And he guaranteed I'd get off.

Everybody said he was tops.

Hey, look at me.

11 months, a week, and 3 days at Rahway, Dad.

That's all right. Thank you.

Which one's the birthday boy?

That's me. Thank you. Well, Happy birthday.

All right, thanks. Don't mention it.

Happy Birthday.


Can I pick them or what?

Wow. Whose house is it?

Our new best friend.

His name's Nobody, and su casa's our casa.

For-sale listings in 2,700 counties.

I don't know why I was thinking you might spring for a motel.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, I'm not going in there.

Why not? It's empty.

I'm an ex-con, and it's illegal.

Whoop.

Huh?

Let's check out the bed situation.

I hope they got a firm rack.

These doggies are tired.

Sweet dreams.

I'm just going to go sleep in the car.

Yeah, sleep in the car.

Hi, this is Maggie. Please leave a message.

Hi, are you there?

I'm on the road... with my father.

I think I'm going to be gone a few days.

You were right.

It hurts me to say this, but the only person who really knows me is him.

And that scares the hell out of me.

Anyway...

I don't know. Maybe it's too late.

But even if you hate me, I want you to know who you're hating.

The thing is, I'm not from Canada.

I was born in Secaucus, New Jersey.

I don't have any brothers or sisters.

I grew up without a mother because my father drove her away.

I--

Promotional period ended.

To purchase additional minutes, press 7.


Hello?

Nat!

I got a gun!

Richie.

Don't call me Richie.

Flynny.

Always good to see you.

I slept like a polar bear.

So good.

I need coffee.

There's a wonderful motel 83 miles away.

Comps on coffee and Danish.

The 7-Eleven.

Or we could buy a cup now.

We're doing so good here.

Let's not blow it on luxury items.

Come on. Come on.

Perfect.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Lovely.

And it is just the safest neighborhood.

Hi. Hello.

Can I help you?

Wish you could, darling.

The house is wonderful. We like it.

The fact is, my partner and I are looking for something a little more feng shui-ish.

The house is wonderful, though, isn't it?

Vaulted ceilings.

Take it easy, honey.

It's the first place we've seen.

It's got everything. Thank you.

Yikes.

We escaped.


Last time I drove across country, it took me four days.

Did I tell you that? No.

A lifetime ago.

Four perfect days.

We wound up on a beach in Mexico, freezing.

White sand, clear blue water, your mother looking up at me like I was the one.

That's when I asked her to marry me.

Then we did it, twice, maybe three times.

Yeah, shake your head.

These are memories.

You'll see what it's like when things stop happening on command.

Half mast.

I'm not even dead yet.

What are you saying, you're impotent?

I'm saying, I can't get it up most of the time.

Since when?

Since...

It's hard to say.

Couple of years, maybe five.

Well, have you tried taking those pills?

They're junk. They don't work.

Where'd you buy them, off a fruit truck?

What difference does it make?

They don't work. I don't work.

Clock's ticking.

One last frolic is not going to stop that, is it?


Use this for the gas.

The Sweet 'N Low people will pick it up.

Be back in a flash.

Room service, please.

Room service. How may I help you?

Yes, we'd like to order up some brunch, my wife and I.

What room, please?

Room 120.

All right.

Thank you so much. Please hold.

Yes, I'll wait.

Thank you.

Sir.

Could you leave the tray outside the door?

My wife is under the weather, and I'm trying not to disturb her.

Thank you so much.

May I add the tip to the check?

Sure.

There. That's for you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, sir. Please.

Thank you.

Hi, this is Maggie. Please leave a message.

Hey, it's me.

Are you there?

Are you there? Are you there? Are you there?

Okay, another confession.

Um, this is...

This is a little tricky.

I'm gonna--I'm gonna tell you a story, okay?

Here we go.

My father drove a beat-up Mustang with 150,000 miles on it, about the time a sane person buys a new car.

But not him.

He rents a new Mustang, strips it, and swaps the parts with his hunk of junk.

Then he returns the rental, complains it's a lemon, and gets his $69 back.

But guess what.

This time, they nailed him.

And guess what else.

My name was on the lease.

Okay?

You can guess the rest.

All right.

I'm going to call you back.

I'm thinking about those lobster dinners we pinched from that place up in Bar Harbor.

Could you forget the taste, the flavor, the freshness?

It was like the ocean.

Eat something.

You can't live on coffee.

I'm tired.

You're depressed.

Anybody in your situation's got to feel like junk.

The trick is to take your mind off getting dumped.

Every obstacle is an opportunity.

Think about it this way.

You have a clean slate.

No girl. No job.

No nothing to hold you back.

How did you know about my job?

You sent that letter to the health department?

The whole thing was beneath you.

You got me fired.

I did you a favor.

You want to spend the next 30 years punching a clock?

Huh?

Things are out there.

Life is out there.

One day, you're going to say thank you.

Thank you, Dad.

Oh, it was nothing.

What's wrong?

Come on, Flynn.

Don't be so serious, huh?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm spending the night in a room that you're paying for.

And then tomorrow, I'm on the first train, bus, or pickup truck the hell out of here.

Yeah.

Your mother and I got married in a HoJo's.

They wanted $800 for the banquet room.

Back then, good for me, I was able to swing a deal with the night manager.

We had a tasteful, low-key ceremony in the lobby for $50.

Who knew the difference?

Who could tell the difference?

Flynn?

I'm going to go have a drink...

Meet some people, have some fun.

Hi. Bill and Betty Richmond.

Hi. Hey.

Thank you.

Sounds like a shindig.

I wouldn't know, sir.

Good blazer.

I had one almost like it.

Different buttons.

Brooks Brothers.

Sears.

Solid store.

Good return policy.

Is there something I can help you with?

Shooting the breeze.

I must say, that's some serious hair you got there.

When's the last time you cut it?

Nine years.

That's really something.

Actually, another 13 inches, and I beat the county record.

Good for you.

Of course, Dory Jensen's got the state sewn up at 5'2".

Oh, hair is important.

I'm a fan.

I've always had good hair.

It's nice we can share that.

From back East?

Brooklyn.

Queens.

Do you mind if I go inside and have a cocktail?

I'm thirsty.

Sales of teeth-bleaching kits brighten...

Up 2.8% in the last quarter, while psoriasis ointment dried up substantially...

Up 5.5%.

And finally, in our laxative department, I'm pleased to announce that back orders have loosened up.

Who is that?

You're kidding, right?

No.

That's the new CEO.

Wow, he's so boring.

Jesus.

I don't think we've met.

Rick Carlson.

Sales rep of the year.

Of course.

Kudos, Rick.

You put us all to shame.

Thank you very much.

I didn't catch your name.

Richie Flynn.

What office are you in, Flynn?

Topeka.

Oh, you work with Tim Webber, then?

T-Bird?

I like to think he works with me.

You know, that bastard hasn't even shown up yet.

Too cheap to buy a suit.

With the bonus he got last year, he got buy us all brand-new suits and maybe a little bit of plastic surgery for that wife of his.

Yeah, but she's a nice person.

Nice ain't got nothing to do with it.

Woof.

That's right.

This is the good stuff.

Thank the little woman for that.

She put this whole thing together.

But between you and me, that's the only thing she put together in the last three weeks.

Honey?

Excuse me.

Say hello to Richie Flynn.

He's in Webber's office.

My wife, Claire.

Wonderful. Thank you.

Congratulations. Oh, yes.

Are these hybrid tea roses in the centerpieces?

Well, yes.

Brilliant.

Thank you for noticing.

Thank you for making a beautiful thing tonight.

Thank you so much.

The whole thing, it's so well done, you know?

It's my pleasure.

Do you garden?

I do.

Me too. Oh, that's nice.

I like to grow things.

Oh, do you cook?

I do.


Hey, here's Webber.

Hey. Hey.

See that jackass over there dancing with my wife?

Yeah.

You know him?

Never seen him before in my life.

Hold this.


There, buddy.

Who the hell are you?

This is Tim Webber, your "boss."

Oh!

Wait a minute.

Why are we fighting?

We're not fighting yet, buddy.

Are you all right? I'm all right. You all right?

I'm not all right, no.

Who the hell are you? I'm Richie.

I don't know who you are. Webber has no idea who you are.

T-Bone, I'm Rich--

I'm gonna knock your teeth out, pal.

Let me.

Excuse me. Can we step aside?

Step aside, please.

This man is under my orders.

Nat Santos, county health department.

Apologize for the timing, but we're in the midst of an undercover investigation of the premises, which has several outstanding health code violations.

Are you telling me you send this guy here to drink our booze and make the moves on my wife?

I ought to kick your ass.

No, let's just call the cops.

Sure, call 'em.

And while you're dialing, I'm going to go ahead and shut this party down.

What? Are you in charge here?

No.

Rick, your wife did kind of put this together, huh?

Great, why don't you come with me.

Let's go have a look at the kitchen.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

So I'm showing 114 degrees here.

That's 10 degrees below my standards, 20 degrees below most restaurant standards.

That good enough for you?

No, it isn't.

It's not good enough for me either.

Throw that out, please.

You ever had a foodborne illness?

Have you ever launched stomach contents north?

Have you had vomit come up at high velocity?

It's a hideous situation in the end.

Give me diarrhea over vomit any day.

I am not liking the look of this.

What is going on?

Why is he on the floor?

Honey, relax, okay?

Give me a minute.

Accumulation of unidentified organic matter, harborage, or conditions conducive... to vermin.

Do you know what this is?

Is it poop?

I'm going to go check the buffet.

Not the buffet.

These are decent people.

Give them a break.

I've seen him shut people down over a chafing dish.

Could I talk to you for one second?

I'll tell you, you know, a little cash wouldn't hurt.

The entire agency is corrupt.

Everybody knows that.

No problem. No problem, buddy.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What a nice guy he was.


Get in.


I should've left you there.

But you didn't.

I should have.

Hi, this is Maggie. Please leave a message.

It's me again.

I don't know if he's dying.

But if he isn't, I'm going to kill him.

You know, I was a hustler, a petty scammer.

As far back as I can remember, that's what I did.

That's what we did, and we were good at it.

Still are.

I'll call you back.

Put this on. No, no.

Please. I'm not cold.

There's something I need to show you.

A '63 Corvair, best car I ever drove.

First time I got nookie was in this car.

Well, similar.

Stand by the car.

I want a picture of the both of yous.

Why? You got nookie in that car; that's gross.

No, for my wallet. Let's go.

If I can't drive one, I can take a picture.

Say, "Holy moly, guacamole."

Nice.

Looks good, huh?


Welcome to Cactus Villas, a self-contained community for the sunset years.

Now, after--

Welcome.

Hi.

Welcome.

After my 90-minute sales presentation, we invite each one of you active seniors to spend the weekend in one of our phase one mountain view units.

Nice one.

Now, if you'll look at my diagram here, the phase one units are on the west side of the property.

Each unit contains a kitchen and either one or two bedrooms decorated in its own unique style.

This is good.

I taught you that.

It was Uncle Al.

Uncle Al, Uncle Al, blah, blah.

He hated my cat, so I kicked him out.

Did you know that the question mark--

What question mark?

The symbol, the question mark, like at the end of a sentence, it's a question.

Like in grammar? Yeah.

It was originally a hieroglyphic symbol which came from the view of the ass of a cat as it's walking away from you.

Explain.

Well, because when a cat walks away from you, you feel insecure; you're unsure of yourself; it's doubt.

I see. A question mark.

You mean like the thing, the tail--

Yeah, you look at it, you see the tail.

And then the--pfft. Pop.

The a-hole. The asshole.

Well, sounds like Al.

Dubious a-hole.

What do you got against Al?

You'll have to ask him.

He taught you everything else you know.

All right, left or right?

Which way, left or right?

Left.

Left or right? Left. Left.

Here's the house.

Pull in here.

Do you know this person?

Yes, I do.

Think back.

Dolores Jones.

She won a beauty contest.

You had the hots for her; I sensed it.

Yeah, she was my babysitter.

Yes. She moved here.

We stayed in touch.

I thought you and I could stop in for a visit.

You're older now.

Maybe you could, you know-- how you say in English?

Seal the deal.

Why is it guys with E.D. can't stop talking about sex?

What's wrong?

You got something against fornication?

Hey.

Hey!

Look at you. You're early.

I was just about to take a dip.

There you are. Time stands still.

Here he is.

Skinny Flynny?

Look who filled out.

He's gun shy.

Come on in.

I was just about to make some cocktails.

Put your bags anywhere.

Not there. Over there.

This is real nice.

Oh, don't be polite.

You know I never stay in one place too long.

Isn't that right, Nat?

We got ants in our pants.

Yes, we do.

Come on out.

Before we take off, how about a daiquiri?

Absolutely.

So, Flynny, last thing I heard, you were selling washers and dryers.

Oh, I know.

You're shutting down restaurants.

Yeah, didn't work out.

How about grabbing the rum and topping off these drinks?

Sure.

And I am going to go put some clothes on.

Oh, no argument.

Never.

Hey, sorry.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Oh, he will.

Comfortable? That's my motto.

Cool, no?

I told you I would set us up.

Don't hold back.

No, thou shalt not perish by plague or by famine yet.

So shalt thou perish by pestilence, so why bother shaving?

You're so weird.

I'm gonna catch some rays by the pool.

Why don't you take her some place nice and buy her a cocktail.

Here, for later. Oh, no.

Glow-in-the-dark condoms?

They're extra large, jumbo.

They're glow-in-the-dark, for God's sake.

Check for pinholes. Might be Chinese.

Look at you.

Scheherazade.

She could win a beauty contest as we speak.

Yeah, well, you're not so bad yourself there, daddy.

Yeah.

Okay, sugar shorts, let's hit the road.

Let's do it.

Hold down the fort.

I'm gonna clean the kitchen.

Perfect.

So...

I take you're not still babysitting.

Why, do you need one?

From time to time, yeah.

So what are you doing?

This and that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Got my notary's license.

Did you?

Congratulations.

Well, it was Nat's idea.

He's so thoughtful.

Remember when he got me that pink briefcase when I graduated high school?

Yeah, I also remember he didn't pay for it.

It was still nice.

All right.

You used to have the most pitiful crush on me.

I did not.

I was your dream girl.

Yeah, all right, you were.

Remember when I used to give you those bubbles baths?

Vaguely.

You still take baths?

Showers.

With other people?

Sometimes lots of people.

Of course, there was always a guard watching.

There's no guards here, Flynny.

You never did it with Nat...

Did you?

...

That was a-- that was a no, right?

Right.

Though I can't say I didn't think about it.

Just never met a man who was so in love with his wife.

I used to sit on my front porch and watch them dance in the living room.

I can't say, if things weren't different, I wouldn't have...

The man deserved a little love and affection.

Why?

Because of the way she treated him.

What are you talking about?

He drove her away.

He didn't drive her away. Yes, he did.

I don't know what he told you, but she left him for another man.

What?

That candy-ass that she used to work for at the car dealership.

What, Kruger?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She did not.

I would've known.

Everybody in the town knew, Flynn.

Nearly broke that man in two.

You were just a kid.

And of course, Kruger moved on to greener pastures.

And, you know...

She died.

Probably shouldn't have told you.

It's okay.

I'm sorry. Your coffee, ma'am.

Hey.

Are you all right?

Hey, can we get some napkins here?

What happened?

He very nearly burned me to death.

Please, ma'am, anything that we can do to solve the problem, we'll be more than happy to.

There is.

And you will be hearing from me.

You will.

And it will not be for a refill.

He saw it. Did you see it?

Yes, yes.

Would you take me home?

What are you, kidding?

Get a lawyer.

I didn't--

So I got my Mercedes with a trip and a slip at the supermarket last year.

This?

This ought to be worth 5 grand and maybe a new wardrobe.

Well, in that case, you don't mind if I ask for my 20 dollars back, do you?

Nat!

What are you doing?

What are you doing, man?

Guys?

Sensory dep.

It's so soothing.

It's better than meditating.

Hi, baby.


Hey.

Hey.

Nighty-night, Flynny.


Comfy?

Hi.

Hey.

I got that mattress from that sexual harassment thingy, from Price Breakers last summer.

A Sealy Posturepedic.

The good stuff.

Nice, huh?

It's nice and springy.

Yeah, it's a wonderful mattress.

He's not here, you know?

He's on the couch.

I know.

I know.

Okay.

I'm verklempt.

You are one of the most exciting women I've ever been this close to, and normally, I'm a guy who does what comes next, but in this case, at the end of the day, it's too late.

No, it's not.

It is.

I have an idea.

How about I give you a supply of calling cards, 30 minutes, including weekends and holidays?

I already have 2,000 free minutes.

Wow.

Is this because I'm dying?

This is because you're a good man.

I used to be.

You still are.

Dolores? Yeah, baby?

I would deny you nothing, but this is not going to happen, I promise you.

It's a fruitless effort.

Are you giving up that easy?

...

You think this is easy, for me to embarrass myself this way?

You should go.

No.

No.

No.

Why?

The pink briefcase.

I've never heard it spoken of in that way before.

You gave it to me for my high school graduation.

That was a souvenir of friendship.

I... I didn't even pay for it.

You're going to pay for it now, buddy.

Oh, Nat!

Dolores. Oh, Dolores.

Golly.

Yeah.

Boom, boom, boom, let's go back to my room.

I'll give you another try.

You know, don't like good-byes, no tears, no sighs.

Thank you.

Mighty hunter drive?


What do you say to a chow-down after a hard day's night?

Pancakes, sausage patties, maple syrup!

You worked up an appetite, huh?

How come you never told me about Kruger?

Did I tell you he owes me $2,000?

That's what I lent him to open his first car lot, $2,000.

And he stiffed me.

You know how many showrooms Kruger has as we speak?

23.

And still, I haven't seen dime one of my investment.

He's not an honorable man.

No, no, Kruger and Mom, Kruger and Mom.

How could you not tell me?

Tell you what?


Oh, come on.

Make a wish?

What was yours, running naked on the beach again?

Nah.

I already got mine.

I wish you weren't sick.

What, are you on a diet?

It's my cake.

It's for you.

Thanks.


So how you going to stick it to him?

What do you mean?

Well, that's what we're here for, isn't it?

Get back at Kruger?

How'd you put that together?

I'm your son, aren't I?


Let me in on it.

I have to do this by myself.

I want to help.

Meet me at the hotel, noonish.


Welcome to Kruger Motors.

Beauty, isn't she?

4.6-liter V8 engine, 320 horses.

Interested in a test drive?

No, thanks. I have a meeting with BK.

Nat Flynn.

He's very busy today. It could be a while.

I'm early.

Is there a place to sit, maybe some tea?

Thanks.

Nat.

Bert.

Sit down.

Thanks.

Long time, no see.

Not long enough.

A lot of spilt milk under the bridge for the both of us, I'm sure.

How's your family?

Children and your wife?

They're great.

Bert junior must be in college by now.

Michigan.

Yeah, your alma mater.

Kudos.

Let's get down to it, Nat.

Sure.

Nice-looking boy.

He's all right.

No chick magnet, not like us.

First time they handed him to met at the hospital, I got scared.

What am I going to do with a screaming, red-faced kid?

But three seconds later, I was in love with him.

I wish I hadn't felt that way.

It should've been you, Bert.

Look, Nat--

I understand you've got a beautiful thing here, terrific family, new career.

I'm not here to upset any of that.

All I care about is him.

I want him to have something, a nest egg for when I'm gone.

I haven't been able to do that for him, but you could.

Or we have to do this in court.

And then it's a public thing.

How do I know that in six months, you're not going to show up on my front porch, Nat?

I'm not going to be here six months from now, Bert.

Look, check with my oncologist.

His number's on the back, if you want.

What about the kid?

He doesn't know.

At this time of my life, the last thing I want is to tell him I'm not his father.

He may be a disaster, but he's all I've got.

It pains me to say this, but there's something wrong with him, Bert.

I believe it.

It's my fault.

You don't look sick, Nat.

You haven't changed at all.

Same impeccable sense of timing.

You know, today's the day I announce my candidacy for mayor.

Of course, you knew that already.

Got us a suite.

You going to tell me what happened, or what?

I've thought about this day so long, worked it out in my head, and it was nothing.

No big deal.

I talked. He listened.

He gave me the money. That's it.

Well, that's good, right? You should be happy.

You got your $2,000 back.

My money plus 30 years compounded interest adjusted for inflation.

$150,000.

What is this?

You got $150,000 in a plastic-- did you steal this?

He gave it to me, and I promise you, he's not coming after it.

Why would he give you $150,000?

He thinks he's your father.

Why does he think he's my father?

He took a test. I sent him his own DNA, said it was yours.

Well, how'd you get his DNA?

Short, curly pubic hair.

I don't know. Ask Dolores.

Oh, that's-- that's disgusting.

She's a friend.

Top of the menu, right?

What do you say we throw the map away and detour down to Vegas?

What stays there stays there.

Yeah, all right.

What's wrong, mopey face, hangdog mopey face?

Why would he just roll over?

Well, what else was he going to do?

I had him boxed in.

He's running for mayor.

You think his wife and spin doctors want you on the campaign poster?

Thanks.

No, it's just, he was with Mom.

Is that right?

So when exactly did that start?

I don't know.

Was it before I was born?

I try not to worry about things I can't do anything about.

Excuse me?

The thing is, we hit the jackpot, you and me.

You play your cards right, you never have to punch a clock.

You can start up something permanent with this.

It's a nest egg.

Are you shitting me?

Are you kidding?

I know how you feel, but these last days have been the best time for me in a long time.

Oh, jeez.

I wanted us to get to know each other again, and we did.

No, you're right. You're right, you're right.

I admit it.

For some reason, I was starting to enjoy sitting in that stupid car with you all day.

But that's worth nothing now, because you're a liar.

How could you think that it wouldn't matter to me to know who my father is?

Hello?

Hey.

Give me a straight answer.

You're not even dying, are you?

The X-ray is from a friend of mine at the zoo.

It's the skull bone of a gorilla.

All right, well, maybe you're not my father, but ever morning, I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I feel sick to my stomach because I think I'm turning out to be just like you.

Stick a knife in my heart.

What's wrong?

Where you going with the money?

What are you doing?


So give me a number.

How much more is this going to cost me?

I don't want your money.

Why have you come?

I wanted to get a look at you.

I wanted to get a look at you too.

You're not what I expected.

But then again, I bet Nat painted me as the bad guy too, didn't he?

Something like that.

Look, I already have a son.

But I might be willing to make an arrangement with you.

Not out in the open, of course.

But I could get you a job in sales.

We're opening a new dealership in Reno.

So you're my father.

I suppose we ought to get a legitimate blood test.

I got to assume Nat's hustling me.

Why'd you pay him?

Guilt.

Pity.

I wanted him to feel like he'd pulled off something big for once in his life.

You know, a big score.

Look... after the election, you get in touch with me.

I really have to be getting back.

Okay, can I ask you a question?

Did you love her?

You know what women are like.

You say something in the heat of the moment.

Do you mean it?

They think it's forever.

Honey?

You're keeping some very important people waiting.

Can you see your way out?

Saw my way in.

Seriously, I will turn the mic over to Tom.

Tom, what do you have to say about Bert Kruger?

He's a man of honor and integrity, despite being a used car salesman.

It would be my honor to support him as the next mayor of this city, especially if I get the discount on that new Caddy.

You got it, Tom.

Just kidding, Bert.

Hi, everybody.

I'll be real quick.

I just wanted to say a few words about the man I've just discovered is my father, Mr. Kruger.

Dad...

I just wanted to say how great it is to finally meet you and to see what I've been missing all this time.

I was in jail.

And about that $150,000 that you paid to get rid of me, I don't want it.

I hate bribes.

Hold it!

Mr. Kruger, sir, you've just been accused of paying hush money to an ex-con who claims to be your son.

Do you have any comments, sir?

Yes, this is dirty tricks by Terrance Bissen, my opponent.

Is that a denial, sir?

It's a categorical denial.

Excuse me. Thank you very much.


Did you give him the money?

How could you do that?

What have you done?

You gave back $150,000.

Am I right?

Did you give him the money?

Yes or no?

Come on.

You raised me better than that.

Vegas, here we come.

Hey, Nat?

How about we head down to L.A. after?

I want you to meet Maggie.

Nat?


Hi.

I'm in a hospital in Albuquerque.

It's Nat.

And it turns out, this is the first time in his life he's telling the truth.

And... he's dying.

He really is dying.

So...

That's... what I wanted to tell you.

Bye.


Hello?

Hi.

Could I get another tapioca, please?

You've got a sweet tooth.

I do.

Closer.

Let me feel your face.

I'm sorry.

We did good, though.

We got copasetic.

We're not done yet.

Come here.

Get me out of here.

Hi.

Thanks for coming.

Well, nobody ever flew me first class before.

I do what I can.

Your mustache.

You want me to grow it back or what?


I won this place in a card game a long time ago.

I figured, one day, you'd come here and bring the girl of your dreams, like I did.

Somebody's been here.

I don't remember the place being such a dump.

We were a family once.

You wanted a boat?

Thank you.

Just so you know, if I could do it again, I'd have been more like a dad, tossed a ball, pitched a tent, taught you to drive.

You did teach me to drive.

Come on. Uncle Al--

No, you did. You did.

In the parking lot behind St. Paul's Church when I was 11.

You're right.

How could I do a thing like that?

Come on.

There's something we got to do.


Well, I spent my whole life wanting a different kind of a father, one who would look after me instead of me looking after him.

And instead, I got this infantile, irresponsible, uncivilized, cheap, jive-talking bullshit artist.

And now that I'm rid of you, here...

Here I am wanting you back.

It's typical.

Oh, and you'd be happy to know that urn was free with $5 of gas.

I'm gonna miss you, Dad.

We're sinking.

Oh, come on.

What do we do? What do we do?

Hey, grab that metal cup right there.

It's coming in fast.

Bail, bail, bail, bail!

Why don't you row?

Bail!

You got to be shitting me, Nat!

Row!

Oh, what did I do?

Oh, my God.

Help! Help!

It's not funny.