800 balas (2002) Script

-Jump! -What are you doing?

-Oh, my God! -What are you doing?

Help me!

Give me your hand!

Give me your hand!

Your hand! Give me your hand!

Where the hell is the stunt coordinator?

I said, where the hell is the stunt coordinator?




Hey, sergio, how are you?

No, I can't talp&s2c=ERBD+gk#l Be quiet, Carlos!

Why don't you tell my secretary? she can check my diary and we'll meet next week.

No, the week after.

No, I've got a bunch of clumsy idiots.

They're going to wreck all my furniture.

But, you know, that's how it is.

What about the Argentineans?

You know what they're like.

Tell them I'll call them tomorrow, or sort it out yourself.

Carlos, stop running around, love.

He'll poke someone's eye out.

I said he was too young for that toy but as no one ever listens to me...

Then say something to him.

No, I'm not his mother!

Carlos, help those gentlemen.


I can hardly hear you.

We'll talk later.

I didn't want to come.

You've said that 20 times!

This house is shit, it doesn't have a pool.

All that money on private schools and he swears like a trooper.

Careful, that's Bohemian crystal!

Can't you see? It says "Fragile"!

Come here, child!

Fucking kid!

You little shit! lfl could get...! lfl catch you... If your father were alive, he'd give you a good thrashing, you little devil!

Unfaithful dog!

The little creep!

The contract says four bathrooms, four, not three bathrooms and a shower room.

What? No, no, a shower room is always a shower room.

It's got a shower and a toilet.

What do you want?

This is my day off.

-We've got it. -What have we got?

The answer to everything.

They can't beat us now.

Is that what I think it is?

The Belgians' offer.

It's got everything.

Thelaunch, merchandising, the plan of the park, and, most important, the price.

Now we've really got them by the balls!

-How did you do it? -Easy.

I sent someone to Belgium.

He broke into their office, stole this disk and brought it to me for 1 20,000 Euros.

1 20,000 Euros?

You're joking.

You think it's expensive orcheap?

I think it's outrageous to act like that.

Should I return it?

Shut up! lt's excellent. Look at the terrain.

It's better than ours.

And cheaper.

200 million less. Dollars, eh? Not Euros.

If we cut out your salary...

Very funny.

But there's one thing they can't hide.

What is it?

And the Americans want sun.

They lost millions in Paris with that water-logged EuroDisney.

That's where we hit them!

We cut our budget by 250 million and sell them the sun.

A blazing sun!

Spanish sun!

Long live lslam!

Down with the West!


You're going to die!

Carlos, come down! He'll kill himself.

Die, grandma!

He'll be the death of us!

Can't you watch him for five minutes?

Your child is a monster!

Carlos, come down, darling!

You'll hurt yourself!

It's in his blood.

You know who I mean.

One day there'll be a disaster.

Don't say that again.

Even MOM

Who's this man dressed as a cowboy?

Is your grandma asleep?

Since the film started.

Turn off the TV and go to bed.

I've got a lot to do.

Where did you get that?

Give it to me.

And leave my things alone. lt's daddy, isn't it? It's dad.


Give me that, I said!

Why is he dressed as a cowboy?

It was a fancy dress party. Give it to me!

Why did you never show it to me?

Because... Because I didn't.

Give it to me.

If you take anything of mine again without asking you'll have no holiday!

You never talk about him.

-Because he's dead. -I know that.

He died in an accident, you told me 1,000 times.

But you never tell me anything else.

It isn't a nice story to tell.

Stories end happily, and this one ended badly.

Go to your room.

God, I've got my headache back.

Come here.

Give me a kiss.

I loved him very much.

Very much.

"Two Rifles and A Grave"

That's your grandpa.

Shit, grandma, don't do that!

Your grandpa and your dad made westerns.

Come off it!

"I'll Go, Kill Him and Come Back."

"Two Bullets For Charlie."

They were all dreadful films, but they laughed so much!

Anything so as not to work.

Your grandpa was a lazy rascal.

Like you. Look at him.

And dad?

Your dad was a simple soul.

He couldn't say no. lf dad hadn't died, I'd have been born in America.

In America?

That's Almeria. In America, he says!

Your granddad never went further than Portugal.

He's probably in some fly-ridden bar down there.

Is he still alive?

If your mother hears me, she'll kill me.

I swear I'll say nothing.

Is he still there, in Almeria?

I didn't say anything.

Don't dare mention him in front of your mother, you hear?

May I keep the photo?

Get up, you're late and the bus won't wait.

Have you packed yourbag?

What bag?

You'll need spare clothes.

Give me another five minutes.

In five seconds, I want you downstairs having breakfast.

-Got your cell phone? -Yes. l tapped in the numbers of the house, the office, and my secretary's house.

If anything happens, I'll call.


Take this.

In case you need money.

Here, the code is in the cell phone.

It's only for an emergency.

You shouldn't give him that.

If it gets stolen... lt'll just make things worse.

What use is ten Euros?

Don't drive me crazy, Rocio, for God's sake.

You'll regret it later.

That's enough.

They're just kids going to the snow.

-See you. -Give me a kiss.

Behave yourself. Do everything you're told.

If they offer you pills or joints or anything like that, you know...

Say yes, and spit it out.

Yeah, grandma.

You shouldn't have given him that card.

You have to make a drama of everything.

He's going to a ski camp, not to Vietnam!

How little you love me.

You wouldn't talk to your mother like that.

| talk to everyone like that.

Since my son died, I'm a nobody.

-What did you tell him? -Me? Nothing.

Don't lie to me, I'm not stupid.

You'll have to tell him some day.

Think about how you'll do it.

Drop it, or you won't set foot in my house again.

I won't drop it. He's my grandson!

If you've told him anything, I'll send you to an old folks home.

And there are no sun beds there.

That's too bad.

I'm sorry about your grandma.

Yes, she's got cancer. l have to go to the hospital.

Well, I hope she gets better.

-Where are we going? -Almeria.


To the province of Almeria.

How much will it cost?

Fuck knows!... Let's see.

Ten years ago, it was 20,000 to go to Asturias.

Now it would be about 70,000.

4 20 Euros, at least.

Is this enough?

Listen, you're not in trouble, are you?

I don't want any hassle because of you.

No, I'm going to a shoot.

A film shoot?

Yes, my grandpa is an actor. ln Almeria.

"Two Rifles and A Grave".

With "Bob Dereck". Fucking hell.

Your grandpa and "Bob Dereck". Lucky devil!

He's made over 50 films.

Actors are always getting it.

My cousin is one and he told me.

You know the ad for removing grease without scrubbing?

My cousin is the grease.

The grease?

And he played a cockroach once.

In an ad for insecticide. What an actor!

My grandpa works with Americans.

Shit, that must be one hell of a life.

Orgies every other day.

You sure it's here?

Maybe they've stopped for lunch.

See? What did I say? Spielberg.

Yeah, but today's Sunday.

He won't be here.

So I think I'll be off.

I want to get back in daylight. Here, kid.

What about the extras?

No, I'm in no mood for an orgy today.

Say hello to your grandpa for me.

You've got my card if you need me.

Ten Euros.

Do I have to pay?

If you want to go in, you sure do.

When does the show start?

-It depends. -On what?

If there are people, they do the show. If not, why bother?

In any case, l have to be here.

Whether they do it or not, I have to be here.

Just in case.

Some Germans have gone in, so they'll do it today.

-So long. -Yeah, have fun.

Kid, get out of the way!

Get out of town, Cheyenne!

We don't want you here!

I don't talk to pigs!

Can you repeat what you just said?

I don't talk to pigs!

I didn't hear you properly, Cheyenne.

Say it again.

Fuck, I don't talk to pigs.

I'm going to do it well. lwill, lwill, lwill.

It was all a trap.

You came here like a friend but you just wanted to betray me!

That star is going to be mine, sheriff.

It's my destiny.


The indians!

We're alone now.

Your time has come.

Shoot, you damn coward!

Cheyenne, you're so ugly you made him cry.

Five little wolf cubs...

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Tomorrow, at the same time, a new show in the wonderful Texas Hollywood!

For only ten Euros, you can experience the real American West.

A dream come true for the whole family!

I'm telling you, that's the last time.

Fucking Coca-Cola cans!

And I'd swept the ground three times.

Get up, Manuel.

Come on, on your feet.

You all right?

Great, I didn't feel a thing.

-Did it look realistic? -You're terrific.

I didn't use my hands because it looks false.

Fucking great! That's the way I like it!

If only they all cared as much as you do.

And some bastard threw broken glass there.

It's no big deal.

They can drag you the next time.

At your age, I was doing it without a shirt.

They dragged me from here to Almeria.

AftenNards, l'd knock back a few drinks and that was that.

Hey, you bastards! Get me down from here!

The show's over. Come on, for crissake.


Whoever is happy can stay.

Whoever isn't can fuck off.

But stop pissing me around.

I'm happy. I'm happy.

I'm happy. I'm happy.

-Give me a drink. -If you pay.

Go on, and put it on my slate.

Don Mariano says no slate.

Give me a break about Don Mariano.

And put on your costume.

This looks like a fishmonger's.

What about you?

Aren't you working today?

Ma cazzo vuoi?

Have you started already?

Ma va fan culo. You tell me niente.

Were those your Coca-Cola cans?

Julian, we can't go on like this.

Nobody comes anymore.

Yesterday, we had two French, today, five Germans, and tomorrow, God knows.

There are more people doing the show than watching it.

Remember those busloads of Japanese?


We haven't had any Japanese in years.

They go to Seville now, to the pirate show.

Yeah, there's a boat, water...

Here, there's troppo ma troppo calore.

And the food's great in Seville.

It's not any better than here.

I found a place at the gas station...

No, the thing is, they prepare their show, they rehearse it.

They take it seriously, they're professionals.

What do you mean, professionals?

You know who you're talking to? l was double for the two gutsiest guys on the planet.

I drove the tank in "Patton" for George S. Scott who won an Oscar in Hollwvood.

And now we'll hear about Clint Eastwood's poncho.

Yeah, asshole, Clint Eastwood's poncho.

I wore Clint Eastwood's poncho in "For a Few Dollars More", "A Fistful Of Dollars" and

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"

So don't talk about professionals or I'll smash your face. l'll smash your face.

Chacho's broken something!

Now what's wrong?

He fell badly off the horse.

I'm not surprised. He's fucking stoned all day.

Hang on.

It's nothing.

We should call an ambulance.

Cut the drama. It's nothing, for crissake.

Jacinta, call Emergencies.

Jacinta, you're not to move.

No ambulances.

We're not insured.

Nobody's covered, we'd be in the shit.

Jacinta, call Don Mariano. He's in charge.

When Don Mariano isn't here, I'm the one in charge.

This is a sprain, that's all.

Well, do I call or not?

You'll all need an ambulance when | get down!


Who's that?

I don't know, he was with the Germans.

He got left behind.

That's all we needed.

-Sir... -C'mere, kid.

Come up here. Give me a hand.

Where are you going?

I'll try to head them off.

-Sir. .. -What about Chacho?

In the jail, by my bunk there's some rheumatism ointment.

Give him some and see if that sorts him out.

Sir, listen...

-Sir... -Shut up, kid.

So long, Jose Maria.


Next time, he'll fucking eat the sheriff's star!

You're all talk, but then...

He shot at me and you said nothin'.

-They were blanks. -You couldn't care less.

Coochy, coochy, who loves you more than I do?

Coochy, my ass!

Keep your lousy hands off me!

Someone get me down! l'm fucking sick of this!

What do you bet he gets something for returning the kid?

Is this kid yours?

You left the boy behind.

I'm not German.

That's what I've been telling you.

You're not? Then who the hell are you?

Carlos Torralba. I think I'm your grandson.

Sorry, I didn't hear you properly.

I'm your grandson, Laura's daughter!

All right, but you don't have to shout.

Your mother isn't here, is she?

No, she's in Madrid, working.

But she knows you're here.


You haven't run away, have you?

Not run away exactly.

I'm supposed to be skiing with the school.

Fucking hell.

I just wanted to meet you.

If it's a problem, l'll clear off.

Yes, it is a problem, and a big one.

If your mother finds out she'll kill me.

She and I don't get on very well.

She doesn't talk much about you.

That's good.

Well, Carlos, I'm delighted to have met you.

Carry straight on and you'll come to the road.

Not this way. This leads to the western town.

The real one is over there, half an hour away.

Shit, don't follow me, kid.

Grandma says you're a lazy rascal.

Your grandma should have died years ago.

She says that about you.

So we agree on something.

We should both be dead.

I keep trying.

| drink whiskey, kill lndians, smoke three packs a day, and I can't manage it. I'm strong as an ox.

And that really pisses some people.

Tell your grandma that.

Why don't they make any more films?

There aren't any films like in the old days.

I mean the good ones.

Now they're either for old women or full of special effects rubbish.

They used to be about Romans and submarines.

The submarine ones were great.

The westerns were the best. l was number one, kid.

I made 50 films as a stuntman, and seven with a line to say.

And I had to say them in English!

I still remember.

And my father?

Your father...

Didn't I tell you to clear off?

Will you get the hell out of here?

Do you know how my father died?

What did those witches tell you?

Nothing, I swear.

Did they say I killed him?

Grandma said it was an accident.

I had nothing to do with it.

-You're hurting me! -I wasn't even there!

You're hurting me!

Christ, the German!

What's up? Did your parents abandon you?

Get in, or the wolves will eat you!

I've got a wooden box in here that's just your size.

You bastards! Come on, get in.

Have you all worked in films?

They say they have, but I think they've never seen a camera in their lives.

Julian has. He was a stuntman for the stars.

He was Clint Eastwood's double.

They were real buddies.

Yeah, real buddies, my ass!

He did leave his poncho.

So why are you here?

I ask myself that every day, kid.

The gallows are more fun than a scaffolding.

Gravedigger, tell him your story.

Lay off, at least I had a contract.

A contract!

He came here to work in a spaghetti western and it started raining!

They cancelled the shoot and there was no more spaghetti!

There were floods for the first time in fifty years!

Porca miseria schifosa!


Snacks and Meals COWBOYS BAR

Do you hear me?

Boots off the table or I'll unplug the satellite dish.

Shit, she doesn't even own the place.

God knows what possessed you to get into this western business.

You'd be better off here with me.

Juli, I'd be no good at catering.

I'm an actor.

A what?

Falling out a window is acting?

What I do is different, Julita.

I've got dialogue, a text.

Let me see.

"Give me a whiskey, Joe."

That's dialogue?

" Watch out, the confederates are coming.'

Look at how you said it.

If you say it as badly as that, even Shakespeare is shit.

For your information, I've had offers.

What offers? l was offered a splendid part in a play.

I didn't tell you because you don't approve.

So what is it?

It's a world famous show.

It's been a hit everwvhere.

They're setting it up now in Almeria.

The Hall of Horror?

What's wrong?

It's a very decent show.

I wouldn't do any old thing.

You know who I'd be, kid?

I'd be Dracula.

King Kong would suit you better.

Let's go see a film.

I'm watching the game with this lot.

Do you always have to follow the others?

You don't like soccer.

I like being here for a while, having a beer, the atmosphere...


We've had seven years of atmosphere.

One of these days I'll take my stuff and clear out.

Can I pay with Visa?

What are you doing? Be careful with that.

The world is full of thieves who'd do anything.

I bet you don't even know the number.

What is it?

Don't you dare!

It was for the boy's own good.

It's on the house. You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you're going home.

Your mother'll be worried.

Don't be like that. Tomorrow we'll take the car and go visit a mall.

Pass the ball, man! Pass it!

He's a halfwit!

A halfwit!

It isn't your fault.

Your wife and daughter-in-law filled the boy's head with lies.

That's right, lies.

I didn't do anything.

I'm a good person.

Don't you think I'm a good person?

You've got a heart of gold.

Come on, eat your omelet.

I'd never hurt anyone, least of all my own son.

Everyone here knows that.

No, not everyone.

And now that kid has turned up.

And he's scared of me.

-Your grandson? -Yes.

He thinks that I killed his father.

Christ Almighty!

Watch it, grandpa!

I'm not your fucking grandpa.

Leave him, he's drunk.

I'll be whatever I want, shithead!

Take it easy.

We're here for a bit of fun.

At my expense!

I saw you laughing behind my back.

You haven't a clue.

Watching the fucking television!

You faggots wouldn't know what to do with a whore!

People come here to fuck!

And you're fucking us.

Julian, leave them be.

You're going to eat your tie!

These are for real, not like the ones in your lousy films.

Julian, are you all right?

Yeah, of course I am. This is what I work at.

All those years of broken ribs and smashed teeth were of some use.

It's nothing. I'm a professional, see?

I'm on my feet again, good as new.

What's your name?


Where have you been hiding?

Go on, go with her. It's on the house tonight.

You think that...?

Now that you mention it, I could do with a lie-down.

Come on.

'Evening, Don Mariano.

Have you done the till yet?

Hurry up, I still have to close the video club.

-They're like tourists. -They won't run.

Why are they here?

I don't want to see them until they've paid their bills.

I've got everything written down.

Goal! Athletic! Athletic!

What's up with him?

Nothing. Now he says he's from Bilbao.

Throwing yourself out of windows isn't good for the brain.

The other day he arrived in shorts.

He said he was hot.

Forgetting to get dressed is bad, but saying he's from Bilbao...

I'm not saying it. I am.

From the heart of Bilbao, the greatest place in the world.

The Guggenheim, the hanging bridge, the "txacolin"...

Look, Manuel.

Can't you hear yourself when you talk?


You've got an Andalusian accent.

You were born in Cadiz.

Your father is from Chipiona.

Your mother is from Barbate.

You like paella, flamenco...

At fifteen, you wanted to be a bullfighter.

No, no, that's impossible. l'm "abertzale", for crissake!

Arzalluz, Julen Guerrero, cod "pil-pil".

That's my world!

You women are so pretty.

Christ Almighty.

Where did you say you came from?


Shit, I thought you were Cuban or something, but Logrofio...

No, I worked for three years in Logrofio.

Before that, l was in Tudela, Laguardia, Miranda de Ebro...

Miranda de Ebro is beautiful.

A friend of mine in the Legion was from there.

Andrés... Do you know him?


It doesn't ring a bell.

-It doesn't? -No.

That's odd, because he liked whoring around.

He's a Civil Guard now.


You don't mind, do you?

It's just that I'm feeling a bit sleepy.

No, sweetheart.

Don't worry.

You go to sleep. I'll stay here.

Listen, don't tell anyone,eh?

Tell them what?

Nothing's happened.

Precisely. And that's what you mustn't say.

That nothing happened.

Tell those people to go away.

I'm getting in a bad mood.

All this fucking show.

He isn't there.

Hey, you bastards! If we're not going to start, take me down!


Niente. He isn't in the saloon, or in the bank.

I even checked the stables.

What about the camels?

Sometimes he sleeps in with them.

Look, he isn't here!

We have to do something!

People are waiting!

Everyone stay calm. We mustn't panic.

I'll see to everything.

Are you there?

What are you doing?

Someone has to take charge.

He's here!

Do you hear?

Nobody fucking listens!

Where am |?

In Kansas City, dickhead!

The Germans have been waiting for the sheriff, so get a move on!

Didn't I tell you to go away?

Let me stay, please. Just for a few days.

Don't you understand me?

I told you to disappear. I don't want to see you.

But why?

Because I fucking say so!

Bring me a blanket!

Jacinta, get the truck and take him into town.

He's not to miss the bus.

Now, let's see if we can start working.

Put this on, it fell off.

Hey, I'm waiting for the signal!

Let's try to do it right, one thing at a time, not all at once, for crissake.

Bring cigarettes!

Move the fucking car! You're ruining the show!

I'm not in the mood for this shit.

Not now, Manuel.

Was that realistic?

Very realistic, but give us a minute. Get lost.

You know why I'm here.

You? To screw us up, as usual.

The Germans are roasting in the sun and you come barging in.

I've got no time for jokes.

Just hand over the stuff or I'll go after it.

What are you talking about?

You asked for it.

Andrés, where are you going?

There's nothing to see in there.

What's the combination?

It's made of wood, for crissake.


You lot, stand there where I can see you.

Shit, a ham!

What's this?

I've never seen it before.

What is it, anyway?

-We've given up drugs. -Like hell you have.

Who the fuck tipped you off?

I'm not naming names.

There are at least 1 5 kilos of hash in there.

It's for personal consumption.

-With the family. -Right.

Tell that to the judge!

Come on.

Get moving.

We haven't done anything!

Bastard! It's your business, I only get a share.

I never knew that.

This doesn't happen in Bilbao.

You shouldn't have handcuffed me.

What'll people say?

They wanted a show, didn't they?

You'll leave us all without a job, that's what you'll do.

Pay the bail.

With what? The hash?

Find something.

Shit, the fuzz.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and...

If I'd thumped you in the Legion, you wouldn't do this to me now.

Don't start on about the old days.

I do as I'm told. The captain wants to get rid of any junkies or...

Or trippers.

Well, you've got enough of those.

Take my picture and I'll book you, foreign shit!

Come on, get in there. Come on!

They've gone.

And now how the hell do we pay the fucking bail?

Hey! Driver! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop the bus!

Stop the bus! Stop the bus!

You have to come with me.

Your grandpa's been arrested and we have to bail him out.

You must have dropped it in the bar.

If we'd known the number we wouldn't have bothered you.

This is my goddamn grandson.

Let's celebrate.

Let's raise hell, like in the old days.

What about the indians?

They're not getting out yet.

This country is like that.

The judge wants to ask them about some radio cassettes...

Are we having the party without them?

Listen to me.

There are some really shitty moments in life.

A lot more than you'd think.

Nobody can prevent them.

You have to make the most of the time in between them.

Not enjoying yourself when you can is the greatest sin in the world.


I've just remembered something.


We left Jose Maria up there again.

Somebody will let him down.

Who's Jose Maria?

The hanged man.


-Wait a minute. -Where are you going?

To hire some talent!

'Afternoon, gentlemen!

Good afternoon!

Would any of you be willing to work in the wonderful world of show business?

What the hell's going on?

This is what you call an audition!

We wanted indians, right?

Well, we've got them!


This is a free country.

If these gentlemen want to play the fool, you just shut your face.

Now, listen.

You have to learn this off by heart.

A pair, a double pair, three of a kind, full house, straight flush, poker and royal flush. Got that?

Aren't face cards better than a full house?

Don't distract me.

Professionals never play with face cards.

You don't want to play with the queen.


She's a pain in the ass.

She wants you home early, she gets angry if you play with other cards, and you always end up cheating, like I did with your grandma.

Why are you telling the kid that?

Because it's true.

It's better he finds out now.

Your grandma and I had a ball together,

until it ended.

Do you never want to see her again?

Yes, of course I do.

When I'm dead!

Don't listen to him. Your grandpa is a flirt.

In my place, I've got lots of clients who are happy with their wives.

Your father was a good poker player.

No one saw how he hid the cards up his sleeve.

Look, Carlos, I never loved anyone more than your father.

We were inseparable, until he married your mother.

She didn't like him being a stuntman.

She said he could do better. She was right.

Your father was very smart.

He could've been whatever the hell he wanted.

We were going through a bad spell here.

They'd started with all that shit about spaceships and galaxies.

It seemed nobody was going to make a western again, much less in Almeria.

Then that guy they called the Russian turned up.

Because he drank vodka, right?

No, because he was from Moscow.

He had money. He swapped whores and caviar for porn videos that he sold on the black market in St. Petersburg.

Anwvay, he wanted to make a film and he wanted the best.

So he called me.

And I called your father.

You know what happened?


Tell him.

He came back to Almeria, back to the west with his father!

You just had to see the smile on his face to know that this was his world.

He was very good.

Much better than me.

He was afraid of nothing.

He was afraid of nobody.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know what went wrong.

We'd rehearsed it so often...

What the hell!

Come on! What's going on here?

All you whores...

Start dancing, like in the west!

What are you looking at?

Come on.

If you want, you can touch my tit.

No, that's not how you do it.

That's how you call an elevator.


You have to feel its weight.

Just imagine that they're little bags, full of coins that make a sound like this.

Now you try it.

Do it gently, or it won't work.

Try again.

Oh, how cute.


I'm here in the cabin.



No, I'm being very good.

Don't worry.


I can't talk now, the monitor is calling me.

We've got a group meeting or something.

Great. l have to hang up.

No, nothing.

All right.

I'm fine, really great.



There are over 400 children.

We can't check on them all every day.

And this isn't a prison.

I called you as soon as I realised.

Be quiet.

I'm trying to think.

Did he say where he is?


But I've got an idea.

Listen, I'm talking to you.

Yes, yes.

Did I tell you that I screwed Raquel Welch?

Yes, yes.

How could I have told you?

We only met this afternoon.

Fuck you.

Yes, yes.

Well, I'm going to tell you.


We were making a film here in Almeria, "1 OO Rifles", and Raquel Tejada, for that's Raquel Welch's real name, habibi, says to me, "How long do we have?"

And I say to her, "Until the next take."

She took me to her trailer...

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Twenty minutes, Habibi.

Are you listening, asshole?

Yes, yes. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

You lot are the limit. You shower of bastards.

You can understand when you want to.


What time is it?

Time for the show!


Three things.

One, don't call me grandpa.

Two, don't shout when I'm hangover.

Three, what the hell is it?

We can give it a miss for once.

The Japanese are waiting.

The Japanese?

The Japanese are back?

How many are there?

A busload.

I don't know if he's asleep or if he's dead.

No matter.

Carlos, get dressed.

Me? What do l have to do?

Just get on the roof, shoot me and that's it. No falling.

Why not? Let me try it.

You want to end up like him?

You want to be from Bilbao too?

I'm going to the gallows.

Sons of bitches! Bastards!

Get out of town, Cheyenne!

We don't want you here!

I don't talk to pigs!

Can you repeat what you just said?

Fuck, I don't talk to pigs!

I can't hear you, Cheyenne.

Say it again.

You've busted my balls!

Carlos! I don't believe it!


I told you not to fall.

-How did I do? -|'m going to kill you!

You did great! You were fantastic!

I can accuse you of kidnapping.

He's under age, Julian.

You can go to jail for this.

Mom, it was me. None of it is Julian's fault.

Be quiet.

We'll talk back at home.

Let's go, I don't want to waste another second here.

I'm staying.

Don't talk rubbish. Get in the car.

Get in the car!

You've got the same problem again, Laura.

They don't love you.

They prefer to live here with me, in Almeria.

It's in their blood.

You're a bastard, Julian.

I'll do all I can to ruin what little life you've got left.

I swear to God!

You can't hurt me here.

This is my home.

Your home?

This is a drunkard's nightmare.

A carnival sideshow run by three deadbeats.

They've all gone, Julian.

Or they're dead.

Like your son!

You killed him.

With your lies and with your stinking films!

I won't let that happen again.

I'm not angry with you.

But why are you treating me like this?

You tricked me, lied to me, and did the one thing that could really hurt me!

You went to your grandfather.

I didn't know him.

You still don't know him.

All this is just a front.

It's a facade, like him.

Yes, he may seem like a legend.

An old adventurer from the west.

But if you knew him like I do, you'd know that behind that front, there's nothing.

He's an old alcoholic who's never done anything for anybody.

He just wants to enjoy himself.

That's why he needs to be alone.

It's easy to be funny when you don't have to pay taxes or school fees or doctor's bills for anyone.

In the real world you have to give up lots of things if you really love people.

In that case, why did Dad leave you and go back with him?

-Yes? -Laura.

Scott, I'm driving. What's up?

Valencia is screwed.


They want another fifty million for the land.

That's impossible!

I've tried everything.

Wait, I'll stop.


What do we do?

We'll have to find something else.

We need sun and land that's worthless.

Just a minute.


I've got it.

Another site? Where? on't do anything.

Don't speak to them yet. Give me three hours.

We filmed "Flint's Gold" here in 1 965.

This set was built over what was once a real mine, from when they believed there was gold in Almeria.

And now, we've come to the creme de la creme.

The museum of the west!

Here we have the treasures which the Americans left when they came to Spain to make their great films.

This is the mythical sleigh from "Doctor Zhivago".

Omar Sharif and Julia Christie rode in that.

This is the saddle and the horse Babieca which Charlton Heston rode in "El Cid".

And these are the saddles from the camels in "Lawrence of Arabia".

Stop touching things, kid.

Ma'am, tell your son to behave, these are relics.

This is Clint Eastwood's authentic poncho.

Smell it, ma'am.

It smells of Clint.

This is the poncho worn by Clint Eastwood in "A Fistful of Dollars".

He never took it off a single day during the entire shoot.

He lost three kilos, for not taking off the poncho.

Here he is.

The person at his side is your humble servant.

I did everything that my friend Clint couldn't do.

That's the stuntman's work.

To do what the star can't or won't do.

Watch closely.

What do you think?

The job is badly paid and not highly thought of, but it's full of honor and grandeur.

Between us, between the stars and their double there is a splendid relationship.

We, the stuntmen, are part of their success.

But unfortunately we don't share their glory.

Mr. Clint Eastwood is an international star and nobody knows me.

That is why the great actors have a great respect for us and a great fondness which lasts a lifetime.

This photo is a montage.

It's been cut out and stuck on.

Of course it is, ma'am! What do you think?

That I'd ask my friend Clint to have his photo taken with me?

He'd have thought I was doing it for money, not for friendship.

Right, that's it. The visit's over.

Back into the street.

What about the Mexican village?

Yeah, the Mexican village.

Yeah, the Mexican village!

Do I look like a Mexican?

Come back another day.

You think I'm going to show you the Mexican village for 1 0 fucking Euros?

Go on, go down to the beach and have a swim. It's a great day.

Julian, do you hear me? No, no fucking chance.

It wasn't now, was it?

No, it was time for the museum.

If you read the program you'd know.

Take it easy. Since your grandson left, you...

I don't give a shit about my grandson!

You hear?

I don't need anybody, you hear?

There's Don Mariano.

Good news. Here's this month's salary.

It's only the 1 5th.

Why are you being so generous?

That's not all.

Here's another month in advance.

What's up?

It's very simple.

We're fired.

I'm sorry, I got an offer I couldn't refuse.

-You've sold the town? -This afternoon.

It's impossible.

-You can't do that! -l've done it.

You don't like it?

I can compensate you for wrongful dismissal.

They've paid me so much I can let you have quite a bit.

How much is that?

At least 3,000 Euros each.

3,000 Euros?

I've never seen that much all at once.

3,000 Euros. Just like that?

Serve them whatever they want.

It's on the house.

Yeah, sure.

Come on, Julian. Cheer up, look.

Yeah, let's celebrate.

They're knocking our house down and paying us a pittance for our lives.

That money won't last a year.

It won't even last six months!

You'll be back working as a waiter in his bar.

The indians will be picking tomatoes.

And the rest'll be unemployed.

Let's drink to that.

That's how it's going to be, right?

Come on, who was it?

A company from Madrid that wants to build a theme park.

Think about it.

They'll create jobs, build hotels and restaurants.

It's good for the town.

I'm talking as mayor, not as a businessman.

You think we're assholes?

They'll bring in outsiders, like always.

We won't see a cent of it.

Ma che cazzo di merda.

I'm sorry, but I can't do anything.

And neither can you.

Julian, where are you going?

What are you going to do?

He's going to town to buy cigarettes, to go to the club!

Carlitos, come down and eat!

I've made lamb, I know you like it.

I don't want anything.

What are you going to do?

Stay in bed until you're 1 8?

Holy Mother!

What a pain!

Hello, Rocio.

Hello, Julian.

My God, you look so old.

And you look the same as ever.

I knew it.

I knew that some day you'd come and apologize.

Slow down.

I've come to talk to Laura.

She's at work.

You've come to see me.

You've come to see me.

Don't lie.

Rocio, please.

The last time we talked I ended up in hospital.

I should have aimed at your heart.

But you aimed at my balls.

It still hurts when I piss.

Don't pretend.

You can't live with the anguish that's eating you up, and you've come crawling back to apologize.

But I'm sorry, It's too late.

-Go on, call Carlos. -Over my dead body.

Carlos, it's Julian!


Goodbye, Rocio.

l'm warning you.

If he isn't here when his mother gets home, she'll kill me.

But first, l'll rip off whatever is left hanging there.

Got that?

I love you too.

Let's go, Carlos.

We'll have 1 8 whiskies and 4 pasties.

Give me a shot. What do you want?

A Coca-Cola.

What's that look for?

Grandma says you drink too much.

And she's right.

Give me another.

I didn't even feel that one.

Leave the bottle, and save your feet.


-That's me! -Who?

Wait. Don't change the channel!

Leave it!

Do you see those tanks?

This is where I appear now. That's me!

That's an American actor!

No, dickhead, l'm his double, I'm driving the jeep.

His double.

Yeah, Patton's double.

Was it a war film?

No it was a romance. For fuck's sake.

-Who was Patton? -Patton?

Patton was a guy with balls.


This is Africa.

Rommel was here.

And Patton was here.

He was surrounded by nazis.

But he wouldn't bow down to Hitler or any of his crew.

But he escaped.

And he fucking invaded ltaly.

Why are you taking that away?

Leave Patton here and leave Rommel here.

He was surrounded by nazis.

But he managed it in the end.

And do you know why?

He didn't give up?

Exactly! He didn't give up.

That's the way.

If they chose you, you must have been like him.


Yeah, years ago I was...

l was like that.

What about the land re-zoning?

How's that coming along?

Very well, they'll approve the...

How are you?

-Carlos, wait outside. -Can't I listen?

All right.


This is some office they gave you.

I want you to know I'm not here to cause you any problems.

Go to hell.

Listen, I...

I'm here to make peace.

I never wanted to take your son away.

If he was with me for a day it was because he wanted.

But it won't happen again.

You come here with Carlos to tell me that?

You think I'm stupid?

-Lola. -Yes?

-Call a taxi. -Right away.

Wait a minute.

I won't let Carlos come back to Almeria.

If he does, I'll put him on a bus to Madrid.

I don't want to interfere in your life.

Please, don't destroy mine.

Your western town.

Is that it?

It's all I've got.

Julian, this has got nothing to do with you.

It's just business.

The land where we want to build happens to be where you work.

Bad luck.

Your show is of no interest.

People want something different.

I've come to apologize, something I've never done.

It's time you started.

All right, you win.

I won't see him again.

But, please, don't destroy the town.

Very touching.

This company's aim is to make money.

And this is a huge multi-national deal.

It isn't my decision. I'm really sorry.

Bad luck, kid.

No more playing at cowboys and indians.

What's going on?

Here you are, Don Julian.

This time I don't want blanks.

I want the kind that do damage.

I can't, you need a license for that.

Like this?

Like this.

Here you are.

Going to test your aim?

Sort of.

I need more. Give me the lot you've got.

-The lot? -The lot.

800 bullets.

That's all I've got.

I want to update the show.

Something modern, you know.

Like you see nowadays.

So long, sideburns!

They had to start there.

You'll end up missing it.

It's back to sweating under the plastic.

You think we'll last in the greenhouses?

We'll think about that when we've blown the 3,000 Euros!

This letter was left in the bar. It's for you.

Anything serious?

Nah, she's left me forever.

Lord above...

She says I've got no personality.

I always let myself be pulled along.

You think she's right?


In a way, she is.

What's going on?



Julian, what the hell are you doing?


Take it easy. Put down the rifle.

Andrés, get out of town.

You've gone crazy!

Now I'm really pissed!

Hold it right there!

Now I do have bullets.

Take his gun.

Whatever you're up to, it's crazy.

The police will be here in an hour.

The national police.

They won't be as nice to you as we are.

Believe me.

They can come when they want.

I'm waiting for them.

What the hell have you just done?

What Patton would have done.

Who's Patton?

You know what that excavator is worth?

-No, and I don't care. -Shit.

I finally got ElI’as's gun.

And I got Andrés's.

We can't give them back now.

This is resisting authority.

Now we really are outlaws!

Right, we're fugitives.

Legendary fugitives. Scary, isn't it?


Sorry, you have to move.

Our company owns the land.

We want to speak to the person in charge.

You won't talk to anybody.

This is police business.

Attention! This is the police.

Come out with your hands up and nothing will happen.

Me va fan culo, faggot!

What did he say?

They won't surrender, sir.

All right, go ahead. Bring them out!

Fire! Fire!

Pull back!

Pull back!


No one told us they were armed!

Christ Almighty!

How do you think they blew up the excavator?

Those are real bullets.

We've got one casualty already.

They're pulling back, we held them off!

This is going to end badly.

Think about it a bit.

Don't be such a pain!

It's a crime now.

They'll arrest all of us.


Listen, chief!

What's going on in there?

Promise you'll do nothing to harm our company's name.

What do you mean?

You want us to get them out? Then shut up.

This isn't a protest by immigrants.

Those people are professionals.

But there are tourists here, people are filming everything.

This looks like a goddamn war!

You want me to arrest them for looking?

Medina, call headquarters and ask for reinforcements.

Tell them this is out of control.

Our spaceship computer is suggesting a final alternative.

What's happening in Almeria might seem like a western but this time it could have a dramatic ending.

A group of workers in the "Texas Hollywood" town where the famous spaghetti westerns were shot years ago, are refusing to accept its closure.

Carlos! Your grandpa is on the TV!

Go back! You can't get through!

All these goddamn cameras!

Take a look at that!

They must have a huge budget!

I told you my grandpa worked on the big films.

This time I'm going to ask if they need people.

-I don't understand it. -Shit!

They all agreed, except Julian.

We should have offered more money.

It's a bit late for that.

Go for it!

It all seems so real!


Hey, you lot! You fucking cops!

Come and get me, you bastards!

We can't back down now!

If we stick together, we can hold out, like in Numancia!

All we've got are the potato chips in the machine.

They'll wait till we die of hunger and have to come out.

We're done for, he's hungry!

Cheyenne is right.

Are we going to surrender just to fill his belly?

Who mentioned surrender?

We have to go out tonight to find supplies.


We're surrounded by all the cops in Almeria.

It's crazy, and anyway I'm not hungry!

We could dig a tunnel.

Christ Almighty! You should be in Madrid!

Now we've got the kid as well!

-l'm on your side. -Our side?

Just wait till this is over. And get down!

Come on, get down.

Get your head down.

The kid suggested digging a tunnel!

That would take weeks!

A tunnel! Fucking great!

If everyone says something stupid we might get lucky.


The boy's right!

Flint's mine!

lt's guarded. We're screwed.

Hold it.

Carlos, do what I told you.

-What did you tell him? -Will you shut up!

Why do you have to know everything?

They'll catch him.

This is crazy!


What are we waiting for?



-And the ragazzo? -He's coming.

Come on, what's keeping you?



Turn off that shit!

Juli! It's us!

Weren't you trapped in the town?

Yeah, but now we're here. Open the door.

It is open.

The door to the bar, not the house.

What's going on?

Nothing! Go back to sleep!

Don Mariano has got the keys.

Hooligans! Get out of here!

Go on, you crowd of bastards!



Weren't you trapped in the town?

No, ma'am, we weren't.

Christ, everybody here knows everything.

What the TV says is all a lie, like when they went to the moon.

Mariano, wake up. Wake up!

l seems Juli hasn't got the keys.

So, come on, get up.


| work my whole life, and now you do this to me. It isn't fair.

Do you want supplies to survive on, or do you want to eat my hams?



I want to send a telegram.

Leave those cigars alone.

If I can't smoke l'll surrender.

All right, take a box, but leave the bottles. This isn't a party.

Jacinta Gonzalez, Garden Street, -Three. -Yes.

-Benidorm. -Benidorm.

-The text, please. -The text?

Go to hell, you lousy bitch.

You're a shameless whore.

I never want to see you again.

-Frowzy bitch? -No, not frowzy, lousy.

-Lousy bitch. -That's it.

-What? -Anything else?

No, that'll do.

You can have another 3 words.

And it'll cost the same?

-That's right. -OK, put...

-Slut. -slut.

-Slut. -slut.

Anything else?

-Slut. -slut. Is that right?

Thank you for using our service.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Are you robbing the bar?

Not now, Juli.

Leave us alone for a little while, will you, love?

This is very serious.

Your husband's lost his mind.

You'll get me fired!

You want us both thrown out?

How will we pay the mortgage?

Forget about the mortgage for once and get the hell out of here.

Cheyenne, stop babbling and do something.

And you, Juli, get out.

You're like his lap-dog.

I thought you were smarter.

We've got no alternative.

Take that sausage.

He's brainwashed you.

I do what I want. I'm a free agent.

If you help me, I'll get you out of this.

I can get out on my own.

You think so?

This is getting nasty.

And those people have money. Wake up!

If you help us out, they'll look out for you.

You get what I mean?


I'll call you.

Take it, it doesn't bite!


Throw down your guns!

What are you doing here?

I'm off duty tonight.

Throw down your guns!

Juli, get out of the way!

Don't you touch him. Shoot at me, if you dare!

Why are you always in the way?

I can't take any more.

Shut up, I'm sick of this.

You and your pals always acting so tough.

Now what, eh? Now what, you asshole?

That gun's from a Playstation.

-What? -You can see the wire.

I had to try, right?

Go on.

Go to bed.

As for you...

What are you doing? You really hurt me.

I thought I'd knock him out.

You nearly split my skull.

They're hitting the mayor!

Go to bed!

I hope they kill you like dogs.

Tie them to the fountain.

We have to be careful.

Don't worry, Matilde, it won't be for long.

I saw you on the TV.

I'm going to call the Civil Guard!

Yes, call them.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Tie them up, quick.

Matilde, if we're on TV again, tell your daughter to tape it.

This is going to end badly!

You'll be sorry!

You'll be in jail tomorrow.

Ma va fan culo!



Free bar!

This round is on me!


-How was that? -Very realistic.

Flatten everything!

Go for it!

Get back!

Don't shoot!

Tell them not to shoot! They've got my son!

Hold your fire!

I repeat, hold your fire.

This is a disaster!

Good evening from the town of Texas Hollywood.

The situation is very tense in Tabernas, Almeria, as a result of confrontations between the police and the former stuntmen who worked in the town and refuse to leave it.

There is a lot of confusion about what is happening but we know that at least 20 people have been seriously injured.

These people in no way represent the majority of the town, because we are decent people and the Town Council strongly condemns these incidents.

It's been part of the town for years, they shouldn't knock it down.

The western town is typical of this area.

Don't take it away.

Look at what they did to my taxi.

Who's going to pay for that?

Spielberg? Or Garci?

Who the hell's going to pay?

This tough guy from the north!

Look at that!

I'd like to send this message to the workers in the town.

I appreciate your situation.

You've been fired and you're worried that the old town will disappear.

But I want to make it clear that our company's intention is not to forget the past but to create a better future for everyone by building a new western town.

-What did she say? -She said a new town.

In this new town, more modern and better equipped, all the former workers will be guaranteed a new job and better wages.

We don't know why your representative refused our offer of continuity.

Our representative?

But I can tell you this.

The offer still stands.

Thank you.

It's a trap. Don't you see?

We'll be arrested and that offer will be forgotten.

That's a lie!

You met with her in Madrid.

Everyone knows you're related.

She's the kid's mother.

You knew about the offer and you said nothing.

Is that true, Julian?

Did you see them in Madrid?


But there was no offer.

It's a trap.

She wants us to come out and this is the first step.

Making us doubt each other.

And it worked, because I don't understand anything.

It's obvious.

They offered Julian a solution and he kept it quiet.

Julian, please, say it isn't true.

You spoke to them and didn't tell us anything?

It didn't concern you.

It was between her and me.

It didn't concern us?

We've worked our guts out here!

Who do we believe?

A company that offers us work, or you, who goes around pretending you've worked with the big actors.

I worked with the Americans.

I've never seen you in any films.

Because I'm a stuntman, idiot.

My job is not to be seen.

Yeah, and we have to believe you.

Like always.

Like with your son.

What do you mean?

That's a different matter.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

It isn't the time to talk about that.

Why not?

It happened years ago, but you lied to everyone, like now.

I said this isn't the time.

You were drunk and you blew it.

Shut up!

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

You weren't there.

Everybody knows.

You weren't there to back him up when he jumped.

You were supposed to help him and you didn't.

He jumped on his own and died under the horses' hooves.

I'd had a drink, but I wasn't drunk!

I didn't kill him.

I didn't kill him.

So why were you thrown off the film?

Go on.

Tell your grandson about the trial, and how you spent two years in jail.

He said he was guilty.

The lawyer said it was best.

Since then, all you've done is get drunk!

Now that your grandson is here and you can't look him in the eye, you prefer to destroy everything and be a hero.

You want to die with your boots on so he'll think you're great.

All right.

But what does all of that have to do with us?

Why do we have to get screwed because of you?


It's for you. They're asking for our representative.


All right.

They're waiting outside. You can go if you want.

Let's go.

| feel as stupid as ever.

Come on!

I'm staying.

I said you're to go, all of you.

Va fan culo.

I've always been late for everything.

This time, I won't miss it.

Even if it kills me.

I'm staying, maestro.

I always told you the truth.

You said you weren't there when it happened.

Well, it was a manner of speaking. I thought that you wouldn't understand.

You lied to me!

All right, I lied!

I said anything just to get you to shut you up.


Now you can clear off too.

Get out, all of you!

I don't need anyone, much less a goddamn kid who's fucked up my life!

No, Carlos, don't go.

I didn't mean that! l was somebody.

I rode with the greatest. That isn't a lie.

Show him the napkin. Carlos!

That's right! The napkin!

Wait! Look!

What's that? lt's Clint Eastwood's phone number.

He gave it to me 40 years ago.

Shall I call him?

I'll call him.

Julian, don't bother now, call him another day.

After all these years, he's probably moved house.

Be quiet.

They said that he isn't at home now.

lt's nighttime there. He'll be out for dinner.

Who are you?

-Sandra, she's a friend. -A friend.

Julian and the gravedigger aren't here.

Your plan was no use.

We have to take tougher action!

-What's your idea? -To solve the problem.

What did you promise him?

Nothing, it was all his idea.

Don't lie to me. I know your methods.

What about yours?

Didn't you promise them a new town that we're not going to build?

I lied, but I don't want to kill anyone.

This is getting out of control.

The time has come.

He's capable of anything.

Of killing me or killing himself.

But I know him.

We've worked together for a long time and with God's help

-maybe I can prevent it. -Don't listen, he's mad!

What are you doing here?

You're not going in there!

Juli, for God's sake.

And take off those things!

Not in front of the TV!

I don't care about the TV!

Fuck it, Juli!

Let me do something on my own for once in my life!

He knows what he's doing.

He's lost his mind!

He's worse than the other one.

Get out of here.

Leave me alone! Take your hands off me!

It's me!

I'm coming in!

They're going to kill each other.

It's what they've always wanted.

Was it all lies?

What are you going to do to grandpa?

Let's go.

Let go of me! Put me down!

Come on!

lt's the dust from the desert.

It got in my eyes.

The two of you are scared shitless!

Why don't you come out and show your faces?

Is this the town you want to preserve?

A heap of old wood, just like you?

Come out of there. You're pitiful.

I don't talk to pigs.

Now you're the one acting the fool.

I thought you were going to make it harder for me.


You want me to kill you too, dickhead?

Now you know who your goddamn coffin was for.

Give me that toy pistol, you'll hurt yourselves.

Julian, stop messing around.

Andrés, you're an interfering bastard.

I don't need help to deal with a lousy waiter.

I don't need anyone's help.

Is this sun driving you all mad?

I'm going to get a few years and I'm too old to go back to jail.

Maybe, but I don't want you to kill each other.

Drop your gun.

I hope we're in time.

l've knocked him out all right.

Now we'll see who's scared shitless.

It was all a trap.

You came here like a friend, but you just wanted to betray me.

You're a second-rater, kid.

You'll never be able to replace me.

You're too fat.

Did you hear that, fatso?

Shut up!

Go away.

Turn round and leave town, Cheyenne.

We don't want you here.

Tell the TV people whatever you want.

You can still sell popcorn when they pull this down.

What is it?

Aren't you going to shoot?

Or do your chubby fingers not fit around the trigger?

You want me to come closer?

Come on, bastard.

Do a favor for a friend.

For once in your life.

Aren't you going to shoot, son of a bitch?

l was a friend of your grandpa.

I know.