A Bad Moms Christmas (2017) Script

I'm Amy Mitchell And this year, I ruined Christmas.

Christmas is by far the most stressful time of the year for moms.

There are a million things to do.

And you have to do them all perfectly or else you will never forgive yourself.

And more importantly, neither will your kids.

I literally feel like the worst mom in the world right now.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

I've always loved Christmas.

It's my favorite time of the year.

Most of all, I love the time with my family.

Because all I want, all any mom wants, is for their kids to have an amazing Christmas.

That said, Christmas is an insane amount of work.

First, you have to buy gifts for every human being you've ever met.

I gave my coffee guy a scented candle this year.

Why did I do that?

Then you have to decorate your house. Which, clearly, I suck at.

I'm doing the best I can, Charmaine!

Then you have to go to all your kids' Christmas shows, which are...

Yeah.

Then there's all the over-the-top Christmas parties.

Oh, my God. Are these lobster Santa hats?

Are these a thing now? What the fuck?

Then there's all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the wrapping, It's insane.

There's just never enough time.

Hi, Mom. Hey, Mom.

Hey. How was the game? Hey.

It was great. The Bulls won. Yes.

Congratulations. Yes!

Hi, honey. How are you, baby?

Wow. Your house looks really great.

Oh, thank you.

I still got lots left to do, but...

Can I do anything to help?

No. Not unless you know how to magically fix Christmas lights.

Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, you just swap out the fuse. It's pretty easy.

That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

Oh, you're definitely getting the gold-star treatment tonight.

I like that, but hold that thought. Okay.

Oh.

Your dad is awesome.

I thought you hated him.

What? No, honey, why would you say that?

When you came over to the house last week, I heard you and Daddy in the bedroom and you kept screaming at him.

Oh...

Yeah, no, honey, those were... Those were happy screams.

They didn't sound happy.

And then you punched the wall and yelled the f-word.

Okay, I, um, yeah, I don't really recall doing that so...

Yeah, I don't know if that happened.

You did. You were like, "Oh, my fucking God!"

Just like that

"Oh, my fucking God!" Okay, all right.

Urn... Here's the thing, your clad and I were just playing a fun little grown-up game.

You played the game seven times.

Six and a half. But who's counting?

Here's the thing, let's just not...

Just not talk about this. Cool?

Cool. Got it. High-five.

Awesome.

Oh, no.

What is it?

My mother's coming for Christmas.

Oh, my fucking God!

Thanks for helping me decorate the tree, guys.

Bernard, let's hang 'em on the tree, okay, buddy?

Oh. Who put the big brown ornament right on the front of the tree?

It looks like doodie.

Yes, it does, baby, and that's why Mommy's gonna move it around back.

Oh, no, sweetie, we don't drink the tree water.

We don't drink the tree water

'cause we're people, right?

Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

You bet there is, buddy.

I know.

Are you lying to me, Mommy?

Oh, God. Make it stop.

What else have you lied about?

Hey, babe. Hey, Dad.

Hi, guys. Hi.

You all right? Yeah.

Tree looks great. Thank you.

Want me to feed the twins? Yes, please.

Hey, buddy. Good to see you. Thank you.

Let's get some food. It's okay, buddy.

Oh, it's all right.

Merry Christmas, Kiki!

Mom! Hi... Oh, my gosh.

I thought you weren't coming until Friday.

Well, I just hopped on an earlier flight.

Three days earlier?

Oh. I haven't made up the guest bedroom or anything. So...

That's okay. I'll just sleep with you. Big spoon, little spoon.

I usually sleep with my husband now.

Hey' you wanna see the sweatshirt I made?

I love this picture.

And look, you were just getting your little tiny breasts.

Well, one of 'em anyway.

You just got here, let's not talk about my breasts.

Then the other one popped out. Yeah.

Thank goodness! Oh, Keeks!

If you play your cards right, you could get a sweatshirt just like this for Christmas.

Oh, no.

Oh, Kiki Dee. I cannot wait to spend every waking minute of the next three weeks with you.

Mmm. Oh!

Mmm...

Are you smelling my hair?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

If I have to wax one more pussy today, I'm gonna black out.

Since when did every woman in America need a completely hairless vagina on Christmas?

Anyone else here for a wax?

Oh, my God, that's like 50 more vaginas.

Okay, who's next?

Oh. No, not you, Sasquatch, I can't handle you right now.

Hmm. Let's see.

Oh. You. Betty White.

I'm intrigued. Come with me.

Hey, what's up, lady?

Mom? Wait, what the actual fuck?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

My God! Oh» my God!

You didn't tell me you were coming for Christmas.

It's Christmas?

Yeah, isn't that why you're here? 'Cause it's...

Totally! Totally why I'm here. Merry Christmas, lady.

Merry Christmas. Jesus, look at you!

You bitch, you don't age at all. Look how fucking hot you look!

Look at those boobs!

Oh, thanks. You're lookin' little bit older.

But good, you look good.

What's it been, like three years?

Three? Whoa, really?

Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe. I don't really know what year it is.

Why are you wearing black pajamas?

Oh. No, yeah, I, uh, work at a spa.

You have a fucking job?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm tryin' be more responsible and shit.

Oh, you always were so weird.

So why are you really here, Mom?

What do you mean?

Well, you only come when you need money.

Oh. No, no, no. I don't gamble anymore.

No, I'm just here to see my daughter on Easter.

Christmas. Christmas.

So I think we should celebrate.

I know. Thunder Down Under is playing by the airport.

I think we should hit that hard.

Male strippers? Yeah.

With my mother? Mmm-hmm.

On Christmas? Yeah.

How could I say no!

Let's go slap some wieners, bitch.

All right! That's my girl!

Oh, my God. Jaxon is gonna shit himself when he sees you.

Still got that kid, huh? Yup, yup.

How old is he now?

Uh, 15 to 17.

Oh, cute, cute. Yeah.

So your mom and dad have never been here on Christmas before?

Uh. No, no.

Okay, wait. Do you think that I made enough food?

Seriously? I can make quiche.

I'm gonna go make quiche. Babe, everything's gonna be fine.

No, honey, it's not gonna be fine.

My mom is the most critical human being on the planet.

When I was six years old, I made her a birthday card and she returned it with notes.

Okay, that's fucked up.

The point is, she's perfect at everything and she is impossible to please.

If she's impossible to please, why're you trying so hard to please her?

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

Daughters spend their whole lives trying to please their mothers and mothers spend their whole lives shitting all over their daughters.

It's just how the world works. Okay?

I can't fix that. I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

Well, you are to me.

Ugh. I love you.

I love you. Mmm.

Okay.

You think your mom's gonna like me'?

I'm sorry we're late, Hank drives like a girl.

Merry Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa! Merry Christmas, Grandpa!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Dad!

Here, have some Xboxes.

Are you serious? Thank you so much!

Mom would never let us have these. Thank you.

Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie. So nice to meet you.

Please take the bags upstairs. Gracias.

Okay. Hi, Mom.

Amy. You look pale. Hi.

Oh. I'm just trying out a new skin thing.

Oh, good, it's just bad makeup. You're not dying.

Where's your tree?

I haven't had time to get one yet.

Amy, it's December 19th.

Even the Jews have Christmas trees by now.

Never mind, we'll get one tomorrow. Okay.

Huh... Yeah.

Do you have any food? I haven't eaten in three days.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I have all your favorites.

It's adorable. You let your kids cook.

Okay.

Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid made Christmas decorations.

So I have the whole week planned out. On Thursday, we'll see The Nutcracker.

And then, of course, on Friday, we'll all go caroling.

Unfortunately, Mike was our baritone and you're divorcing him so we're gonna have to fill that hole if we're gonna win the Caroling Cup this year.

Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

Darling, when I lived here, we won the Caroling Cup nine times.

And it's too bad you've given up on our family's tradition of winning.

Yeah, I guess I've just been a little busy, so...

Well, clearly not at the gym. Whoop.

I want to celebrate my triumphant return to Chicago.

I wanna throw an enormous Christmas party at your house.

I was thinking Christmas Eve, if that's convenient?

What? No. That's not convenient.

I mean, we can invite all of my old friends and we can have a sushi station, and we can hire Kenny G to play Christmas music.

I hear he's not even that expensive anymore.

Yeah, okay. That sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah. It's too bad I've already invited everyone.

Where, to my house? Yes, 184 people are coming.

What?

Why haven't I gotten a Christmas card from you yet?

I don't know, Mom. I guess it just fell through the cracks.

What is happening with you'?

Nothing. Nothing's happening to me.

Amy, this is Christmas. It's the big show.

I know. You can't dick around.

I'm not dicking around. I really feel like you're clicking around.

Mom, I'm honestly not dicking around. Yes.

Yes, you are dicking around. I can tell when you're dicking around.

I'm not dicking around. Dick, dick, dick around.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not dicking around.

All right, enough with the bad language. Okay.

I like your hair.

Really? Yeah, it looks like you're not trying so hard.

Yeah. Love you.

I can't do Christmas with my mother.

It's like living with Saddam Hussein.

My mom is only staying with me because I think she wants to steal my TV.

Oh, I have to go Christmas tree shopping with my mother tonight.

Oh. Mmm-mmm. Yeah, it's like going on a seven-hour death march around the city.

My daughter really wants a Happy Happy Princess Doll, and I have looked everywhere for it and I don't know where it is.

Where is she, guys?

Where is Happy Happy Princess?

Oh, my God.

I know it's just a doll but, God, Christmas is killing me this year. Oh!

Holy fuck.

Hi, princess! Oh!

I can't do this shit sober.

Me neither.

You guys wanna get drunk at the food court?

Fuck yeah! Yeah.

Come on, come on. Oh, fun!

My bodysnoot unsnapped.

You guys, you know what drives me crazy?

Genital warts? What?

Genital warts? No.

Carla, no. No, what drives me crazy is the pressure that we put on ourselves to make Christmas perfect, Guys.

Oh. Christmas is supposed to be fun.

Yes! Why am I responsible for getting every gift for everyone in my entire family?

Ugh! I mean, just 'cause I'm a girl?

Yeah. It's 2017.

I thought so. Why can't my husband buy presents for his own mom?

I don't even like his mom.

She blames her farts on my kids.

You know what I do with my big dumb son?

Every November, I just go into his room grab a bunch of random crap, wrap it up, give it to him on Christmas. He doesn't even notice. Seriously?

Oh, my God, I've given him the same baseball glove like nine times.

And how lame are the gifts that your family gives you?

I spend months picking out the perfect gift for everyone in my family and all lever get is coupons for free back rubs.

Oh, that's so wrong.

You know what my son gave me last year for Christmas?

A box of Ziploc baggies.

Think I'll probably just wrap it up and give it back to him again this Christmas.

You guys, I'm just like a giant stress ball from November to New Year's.

I just wanna enjoy Christmas again.

Yeah.

Well, then let's doll.

What?

Guys, what is wrong with us?

Have we learned nothing? This is bullshit.

I am disappointed in this threesome.

We are mothers.

And if things are not going our way, then what do we do?

We hide in the bathroom.

No. No.

No, we don't do that Mmm-mmm.

We... No. We stand up and we fight back. Fight back.

Yes. So if we wanna do Christmas our way this year then we're gonna do Christmas our way.

No more perfect gifts, no more perfect decorations, no more perfect anything. Fuck it.

Let's take Christmas back.

Let's put the “ass" back in "Christmass."

What?

That didn't come out exactly as I planned, but you guys get what...

Yeah, we know what you meant. Yeah. We getcha.

Okay, okay. To taking Christmas back.

Yes!

Merry Christmas!

Ooh, samples! Samples.

What? Yeah.

Now it's gonna be better.

Now it's gonna be better. Whoa!

Okay. Who's next?


Hey. Do you know which one is better for the vagina?

Attention, shoppers! Excuse me.

I am drunk and horny.

I repeat, I am drunk and horny.

I'm so sorry.

Ma'am you need to... Go! Go, go, go!

Oh, shit. Wait, you guys. Wait, wait, wait...

I still have to go Christmas tree shopping with my mom.

I just had a really dumb idea.


All right, guys. Here.

Ooh, you got some popcorn. I got extra.

Yes! You guys ready?

Yeah. Okay. Look at that.

This is really nice, Mom.

Yeah. We should do all of Christmas like this.

Yeah, can we just hang out together and skip all the annoying stuff?

Yeah, you guys, I would actually really like that.

Hey, Jessie. You should come over on Christmas.

Um... I don't know. It's kind of a big deal.

I wouldn't want to impose.

Don't be weird, Dad.

We'll be here.

Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I would actually love that.

Me, too. Okay.

Good evening, everyone...

What in God's name is that?

That is our new Christmas tree.

I got it at Lady Foot Locker. Do you like it?

No, I don't, Amy. I find it revolting.

What is this thing doing in your house?

I didn't wanna waste time tree shopping this year.

I actually wanted to enjoy Christmas.

Amy, you are a mom.

Moms don't enjoy, they give joy.

That's how being a mom works.

And this hideous tree does not give joy to anybody.

I don't know, I kind of like it.

Thank you. Yeah.

Who are you, and why are you talking?

Mom. Please be nice. This is Jessie. You met him.

I'm tired of this conversation.

But if you think for one second I'm gonna let your lazy shenanigans ruin Christmas for this entire family, you are very much mistaken.

Good night, dear children. Here, have some iTunes gift cards.

Mom, seriously, you have to stop giving them gifts. Oh, my God!

Thanks, Grandma.

Honey, did you see these ornaments? They are all little shoes.

I swear to God, Hank. I will drive you to a fire station, and I will leave you there.

Hi. Hi.

How was your night?

So good. Yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You taste like grape soda.

I know. I had a Welch's right before bed.

Bless you.

Mom!

Hi, guys.

What are you doing in here?

Well, I just came in here to watch you fall asleep like I always do, and then you started going at it like monkeys in a zoo.

You watch me fall asleep every night?

Well, except after Blue Bloods. I know that's your special intercourse night.

Oh, honey.

I'm so glad to see you have such a vibrant sex life.

It's so important for you and Kent to just bang each other.

And, Kent, I am so happy that you're able to get an erection again. Yay!

And, Kiki, he's so much bigger than your clad was.

Okay, Mom. Thanks. You can go before my husband never has sex with me again.

Yup.

Oh, and, honey, your dad liked it when I tickled his balls.

God. Okay. You need to stop talking.

I'm gonna come check on you guys in a little while.

Oh, please don't.

Oh, wow.

You need to talk to your mom. I know.

She needs some boundaries. Or, at least, a boundary.

I know. I just...

I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

And, you know, ever since my dad died, I'm, like, pretty much her only family, so, I'm worried that if I push her away even a little, that it's gonna break her heart.

She saw my boner, Kiki.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. What the...

What the fuck.

Okay, bring the French hens three inches to the left.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mom?

What are you doing? Lam decorating your house properly because apparently you are unwilling to do so yourself.

Why does my house have to be properly decorated?

Making Christmas special is how you show your family that you love them, Amy.

You don't want your kids to think they're worthless and unloved, do you?

Well, no, of course not. This is the time of the year when mom's kill themselves to create a magical world of joy for their children.

It is not a time of year when moms sit around in their pajamas eating fudge.

I don't even like fudge.

Great, so stop being a shitty mom. Ugh!

Hey, kids. How do you like the Christmas Cavalcade, huh?

Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.

Show Mom how it works!

Really, Amy, you are gonna love this. Okay.

We are go for the Cavalcade, over.

Don't worry. I'll show you how this works. It's on an app.

Oh, you installed outdoor speakers.

Yeah. Wait for it, wait for it.

Twelve drummers drumming Eleven pipers piping Ten lords are leaping Nine ladies dancing Eight maids are milking Seven swans are swimming Six geese are laying Five gold rings How much did this cost?

How can you put a price tag on a child's happiness, Amy?

It was very expensive.

God! Mom.

Wait for it, this is the big ending!

Are those actual partridges?

Of course. They don't have any survival skills.

They'll be dead within an hour.

Okay. Here, kids. Have some breakfast candy.

I'm sorry, what?

Thank you, Grandma. I love you.

How I love you. I love you, too, guys. You're the best, Grandma.

Thanks. Okay, let's reload the birds.

And I hate that they're gray. Let's paint them all white.

And can't they look a little happier when they fly away?

I mean, it is Christmas.

Your mom decorated your house?

Oh, no, no. That is not okay.

Who cares. Let her decorate your house.

She wanna do mine next?

It's not about the house.

It's about the fact that I'm a 34-year-old woman and my mother is still telling me how to live my life.

Well, then you need to fight her.

Like, physically?

That is correct, Amy.

I can teach you some basic karate moves but we all know that she's gonna keep treating you like this until you beat the shit out of her.

I don't want you to meet my mom.

She's a 62-year-old woman, so...

Fine. But you need to have at least a serious conversation with her.

That sounds more legal. I know.

Know. And where's your dad in all this?

Aw, my dad. He's so sweet, but he's completely under her control.

I mean, there's no way he's gonna choose my side over hers. No.

Sweetie. That's hard.

Moms are so weird.

How's Christmas with your mom?

Oh, you know. It's...

It's okay, I guess. Yeah. I mean...

My mom got her hair out and colored exactly like mine, but...

I think that's pretty normal, right? Did your moms...

Do your moms have your hairstyle?

You know, every time I think I'm the fucked up one in this group, Kiki, you open your mouth, and then I'm like, "No, I'm doing great."

Anyway, my mom and I were gonna take the kids over to Sky Zone later.

Do you guys wanna come?

Legally, I can't get within 50 yards of a Sky Zone, but, Oh, you know what? Fuck it. I'm totally in.

Amy? Oh, I can't go. I wish I could, but my mother's making us go see The Nutcracker. So.

I love The Nutcracker.

Oh, no, not like the Sugar Plum Fairy Nutcracker.

No, the original, the five-hour long version that's all in Russian where a bunch of people die. It's awful.

Why don't you just not go?

Oh, God, no. No. She would never let me live it down.

It's much easier to do it this way. Yeah.

Guys, are we not taking Christmas back this year?

Yeah. Hmm.

I'm asking you that seriously 'cause I got so wasted at the mall I can't remember if I said that or that's something I'm dreaming about right now.

Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.

You guys, do you wanna know what I've been working on?

Happy Holidays.

Oh, my...

Carla! Broke my cock!

Just go to work. Just go to work. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

What up, lady?

Mom! What are you doing here?

Well, what does it look like I'm doing?

I'm waiting for my daughter to give me a free manicure.

Free manicure, huh?

Yeah.

All right. Well, at least I'm not waxing your pussy.

Maybe next time.

Okay. So, what's up? You seein' anybody?

Well, you know, there was a couple of things going with some dads from school.

But it gets complicated.

Plus, like, there is not a better time of the year to be single than Christmas.

I mean, it's like I go to the mall and I see these, you know, these couples walking around and they're, you know, like, holding hands and, you know, wearing scarves and feeding each other sandwiches and...

Lookin' at jewelry, you know.

Every kiss begins with Kay All right, stop. Stop. What?

You sound super lonely.

No! Babe, listen.

The rock-and-roll lifestyle isn't for everybody.

I'm still super rock-and-roll. I woke up in a park this moming.

Carla. I found kale chips in your kitchen.

Okay, those are for my kid.

Right. They're healthy as fuck.

They say they're heart-smart.

You really care about your kid, don't you?

Yeah. It's my... I mean, most...

People care about their children, Mom.

Whatever.

I just can't keep up with the latest parenting trends.

So how you doin'?

I've been better actually, to tell you the truth. I...

There is something that I'm very excited about, which I just need a little money for...

Here we go.

What?

You always do this. What?

You show back up in my life, you ask me for money, I give it to you, you gamble it all away. What?

And you leave me and then you just come runnin' back... What?

...asking for more. I give it to you again, What?

'Cause I'm an idiot. What are you... This is a legitimate business opportunity.

How much do you need?

Not much. Like five grand.

Really. Between five and 10 grand, maybe 15, tops.

Okay, I'll think about ii.

Good!

Wow, you have some really cool shit here, huh?

Nice, classy place.

I wish I'd brought my purse.

Why do we have to go to the Russian Nutcracker again?

I mean, we're not even Russian.

The Russian Nutcracker is the real Nutcracker.

Not the sellout Disney version with all the dancing and joy.

Is it actually five hours long?

Yes, and you will love every minute of it.

Now, just listen to this beautiful music.

This song is called When Boris Gets Murdered.

It sounds like someone's yelling at us.

Why can't we just do something fun?

Where are you going? It's not left. The theater's to the right.

Oh. I know. We're not goin' to the theater.

Where are you taking us? You'll see.


Merry Christmas, guys! Welcome to Sky Zone! Merry Christmas.

All right, three kid passes?

Yes. No, no. Sorry, we're actually all gonna go.

We're all gonna do it. No, we're not all doing it.

It smells like diapers in here.

Amy! You guys made it!

Hey! Oh, my God, I'm so glad you guys came!

Me, too. I think my mother's gonna kill me in the middle of the night, but it's totally worth it. Hey.

Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

Hi. Isis! Nice to meet you. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Hi. You must be Amy's mom. Amy, nice to meet you.

I'm Carla. Jaxon, honey, Mama needs more hooch.

Ooh, good idea. Yeah.

Top me off, babe. That's my son, Jaxon.

This is my mom, Isis.

Hello. Ruth. Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Oh. Isis.

Like the terrorist organization.

This is my mom, Sandy.

Oh, Amy. Hi, Sandy.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, boy, you really have the same haircuts.

Hello, I'm Ruth. I'm Amy's mom.

Uh. I'm Jessie. I was literally just in the car with you.

Come on, who's ready to have some Christmas fun?


Hi, Ruth. We bought you a churro. You want that?

No, thank you.

This place is fun. I never went to place like this when I was a kid.

My God, no.

When I was a kid, we would go down to the quarry and blow shit up.

That's nice. Where are you ladies from?

I am from Ottawa, which is in Canada.

And then my husband Dirk wanted a faster life, so we moved to Bismarck, North Dakota.

And then I had Kiki when I was only 18 years old.

And then Dirk died. A long, slow, painful death. Oh!

But we're all gonna die sometime, alone and afraid.

Where are you from, Ruth?

Chicago.

The City of Lights! The Windy City.

You know, they call Bismarck "The City of Old White People."

You are so weird.

Ruth, did you enjoy growing up in Chicago? No.

My mother is a terrible woman.

Oh! She once slapped me for wearing open-teed shoes on a sailboat.

Well. It was a different time then.

This was two months ago.

My daughter thinks that I'm so hard on her but she has no idea what I went through with my own mother.

When I was 15, I got my ears pierced and she called me a whore.

And sent me away to boarding school.

In Croatia. Croatia?

Now, that is a hard woman. Ah!

Where are you from, Isis?

I don't know, everywhere. I never met my parents.

I basically just raised myself using my wits and my tits.

Oh, wow. That sounds disgusting.

No, dude, I was a roadie for REO Speedwagon for 15 years.

Oh, Isis, you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes in here.

It's okay. It's not a cigarette. You want some?

No! You want some?

Ah... No, thank you.

Suit yourself. So, which church does everyone go to on Christmas Eve?

Well, I always go to midnight mass at Our Mother of Perpetual Suffering.

It's the premiere service in the city.

Great, I'll meet you there.

What? This is so nice.

Making new friends. Yeah.

I don't get a lot of... You guys wanna play dodgeball?

No, honey. Grandmas don't play dodgeball. We should probably...

What the fuck did she say?

She said, "Grandmas don't play dodgeball."

I got it' but we play. We play.

I'm in.


Tonight was a complete travesty.

Do you think that was funny, Hank?

What if I changed out your heart pills. Would that be funny, too'?

Oh, Jesus, babe.

I can't believe Amy is actually intent on ruining Christmas this year.

I'm gonna have to redouble my efforts.

Or you could stop fighting with her, and we could just have a nice Christmas.

Do you think I enjoy fighting with my daughter, Hank?

Yeah!

Because I don't. Oh.

I'm just trying to give my grandchildren the amazing Christmas that they deserve.

This is their first Christmas without their father, and if it is perfect they will know that things are gonna be okay.

But if our daughter throws a half-assed Christmas, it will rattle the kids and they could descend into a spiral of fear, depression and drugs.

Okay. But the kids looked really happy tonight.

They would have been happier at the Russian Nutcracker, Hank.

My way of doing Christmas is enchanting and magical and Amy's way of doing Christmas is lazy and embarrassing and my way is better and my way will win because my way will always win.

Well, I'm just glad this is all about the kids.

Hank, lam Amy's mother and it is my job to push her to be the best mother she possibly can be.

Trust me, someday she will thank me in an inspirational speech at some large public venue.

Now, are you done ironing my pajamas, Hank? Yes, Ruth.

They're still warm.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Thank you.

It's okay.

You're wrinkling my pajamas.

I'll get your toothbrush ready. Thank you.

Oh, my God. No more pussies- Please, God, no more pussies.

Uh... Yeah?

Oh, hi. Uh. Are you Carla?

Yeah, I am. Who are you?

I'm Ty Swindel. I'm here to get my balls waxed.

That's great news. Why don't you hop on my table, Ty Swindel.

All right, thank you.

Okay. So have you ever had your balls waxed before, Ty?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm an exotic dancer, so I have to keep my dick, balls and taint smooth at all times.

Great, okay, got it. Yeah.

Um. So I am just gonna remove the towel and then we'll apply the wax if you...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Look at the size of that thing.

It looks like a parking cone.

Oh, yeah. I am so sorry. I forgot to... You know, it scares most people.

No, I'm not scared, though. I'm gonna need a lot more... Just a lot more wax.

Okay. So just gimme one second.

Sure.

Wow. Okay.

So who usually waxes your balls?

Oh, I go to a woman in Cleveland, which is where I'm from.

No way. What?

I'm from Edgewater.

You're from Edgewater? Yeah.

Okay. I'm from Tremont! Oh, my God.

Small world. That is so weird! Unbelievable.

Like... Right?

Wow. Okay.

Urn. If you could just lift that penis up for me.

Okay.

Yeah, that's great.

So, what brings you to Chicago, Ty?

I'm in town to do a few Sexy Santa competitions.

Nice! Yeah.

Okay, slight sting on your nut sack.

So uh, how did you get into dancing?

Oh, I'm a fireman by trade. That's what I do.

Of course you are.

And a few years ago, I responded to this fire at a strip club and the owner comes up to me and he's like, "Hey, dude. You got a massive cock?"

And I'm like, "Uh... Well, I do."

And the rest is... The rest is history. Wow.

That's a beautiful story, Ty.

Thank you.

Okay. Hot burn.

So holidays, huh?

Know. You got big plans with your girlfriend?

I wish. I wish I had a girlfriend.

Yeah, most women, they just see me as this object to have sex with and then they leave. You know?

And I'm like, yeah, I dance around in basketball sneakers and a G-string. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings, right?

Yeah. I, uh, I can relate.

I don't know what it is about you.

I feel like you're easy to talk to, you know? I can just open up.

Be myself. It's nice.

I feel the same way, Ty.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to put your heels over your head so I can start to go to town on your taint and your butthole.

Yup. All right. Thanks.

All right. Okay.

Let's get these out of the way. Right. There we go.

Great, great, great, great.

Carla. Uh. At the risk of sounding forward, um, would you be willing to come with me to my Sexy Santa competition tonight?

Uh. Well, I don't date my clients, Ty. I have a really strict code.

Yeah. Oh, of course you do. Are you kidding me? I know. And I know.

And you should... You should have a...

I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty. I don't have a code!

I'm waxing your butthole.

I would love to go to your show. You would?

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God. She's funny and she's beautiful.

This is a combination you don't run into every day, you know.

You don't see this combo that often, either.

So it's a date, then. I'll see you tonight.

It's a date.

Oh. Um... Do you want me to reach down there, and I can pull my butt crack open for you if you want.

Thank you. No one's ever asked if they could hold their butt crack open for me before.

I'll hold my butt crack open for you anytime you want, Carla.

Where did you come from, Ty Swindel'?

So what brings you here today, Kiki?

Well, um, my mom and I, we're very close.

And we would like to be...

To be closer. No. No.

I think we would like to be a little more independent. Closer.

Sandy, tell me about your relationship with your daughter.

Oh, my gosh. That's my favorite topic.

Well, I had Kiki when I was 18 years old and when the nurse placed her on my breast, I looked down at her and I said, "You are gonna be my best friend forever."

Is that normal? The best friend forever thing?

Well, you know, we don't like to use the word "normal" around here.

Anyways, Kiki and I have always been super close because we're basically the same age.

And then my husband died, and we became crazy close.

We went to prom together.

WOW! Okay, And, Kiki, how does all this closeness make you feel?

Well... She feels great.

Who wouldn't want to be best friends with their mom?

I love my mom. Thank you, honey.

I really do. Thank you.

But sometimes, she can be a bit much. What?

Like when?

Like when you watched Kent and I have sex the other night.

Oh, Lord.

I just wanna know what's going on in your life. Is that so wrong?

No. But sometimes I'm in need of a little space.

Oh, boy.

I don't know what's happening right now.

Why are you turning on me?

I'm not turning on you. I'm just saying I think that we could benefit from some boundaries, right?

I have cancer.

Cancer? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, God. What kind of cancer?

Heart cancer.

Heart cancer. Yeah.

Stage 12.

Maybe you can find it in your non-cancerous heart to be nice to me before I die.

I'm so sorry, Mom. I had...

I had no idea. I know.

I know.

On, God. Shoot.

Mom. Oh, Keeks.

Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

Okay, I don't have cancer. What?

I knew it.

But imagine if I did have cancer, how would you feel being so mean to your mother?

I'm not trying to be mean to you, Mom.

I'm trying to have an honest conversation about our relationship.

I have cancer again.

No. It doesn't work like that a second time. I have polio.

I think they cured polio.

I have bubonic plague. No.

I have shingles. Mom!

I have bird flu. Are you done?

I have a lazy eye. Mom!

Please, can we just talk about our relationship because I wanna work this out with you.

Yes. Let's do that. Yes.

Really? Yes.

I wanna work this out with you.

Honestly? I'm gonna run to the ladies' room and I will be right back.

Okay.

She's not coming back, is she?

No.

What is the matter with her?

You really wanna know?

Yeah.

Your mom was probably pretty normal before she had you.

But then you were born. And you didn't sleep for six months, so she didn't sleep for six months.

And you refused to eat, and when you did eat, you would barf all over her clothes.

And that made your mom a little crazy.

And then you fell off your bike and you broke your arm.

And then you got bullied in school.

And then you started dating that weird dude with the stake through his nose. And all those things made your mom a little more crazy.

And then you got married and you bought a house you can't afford and you're raising kids who never say "please" or "thank you."

Shit, they can't even read. And all those things made your mom super-duper crazy.

And now you come into my office and you go, "Dr. Karl, why is my mom so crazy?"

And the answer is.“ You, motherfucker. You made your mom crazy.

So be nice to your mom 'cause you're the one who fucked her shit up.

We are gonna dominate caroling this year.

What are you wearing?

Sweetie, if you wanna win the Caroling Cup, you have to have a theme.

Which is why we're all going as characters from A Christmas Carol.

Oh, my God. Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

Jane, you are the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Oh, great. And, Amy, you're Scrooge.

Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.

I just think it's appropriate, given how much you seem to hate Christmas this year.

Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

And here is everyone's sheet music. I'd hope we'd all be off-book by now.

This is a lot of songs.

Well, every home in Westbury gets to vote on who wins the Cup.

So we have to hit at least 300 houses tonight.

Three hundred! Don't worry. We have backup.

Come on in, everybody.

Please, welcome the Chicago All Saints Choir!

You hired ringers?

I did what I needed to do to succeed, Amy.

You should try it sometime.

Okay, fine. We'll go caroling.

But I'm not wearing this ridiculous costume.

Fuck me.

Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

Read your line, Scrooge!

Do it!

"Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer Scrooge and I hate Christmas

"because it's so much work and lam lazy."

Please, Mr. Scrooge! Won't you listen to our song?

And let ye heart be warmed! Two, three, four.

We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year Good tidings we bring to you and your kids Yeah! Good tidings for Christmas What the fuck is happening?

And a happy New Year Everybody!

A happy New Year

"Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer Scrooge and I hate Christmas

"because it's so much work..." Amy?

On, shit.

What in the fuck are you wearing?

My mom made me wear this.

Oh, my God. You look amazing. Serious...

Honestly. This is better than what you usually wear to school.

Wait, guys, come here. No, no, guys. It's okay. You could just stay there.

It's fine... This is Amy Mitchell. She's dressed up as an old fat man.

Uh. I'm actually supposed to be Scrooge, but that's...

Don't laugh. She's my friend. That's rude.

Honey, I'm gonna lnstagram the shit out of this right now.

Okay, wait, side angle. And this one. Okay. Um...

Can you purse your lips for me a little bit?

I'ma go kill myself, so...

I'll put a filter on it so you don't look so tired. Okay.

Thank you for visiting, Amy. Bye.

I will never let you forget this.

You know that I do.

Was that a broken dick on her face?

Well, I thought that was an enormous success.

Mom, this isn't working. What isn't working?

This. This... I wanted a mellow Christmas and you keep fighting me every step of the way.

Amy, this is a very important Christmas for your kids.

You cannot just phone it in.

Mother, I'm not phoning it in.

My kids told me that they wanted a mellow Christmas and I promised them that I would give it to them.

Well, of course they told you that, Amy, because they're telling you what they think you want to hear.

But, secretly, they know that I'm right because you know what, I just am.

Okay.

You know what, I'm clone fighting this.

I'm gonna tell you exactly how we're doing Christmas this year.

The kids and I are gonna spend the entire Christmas Eve day sledding.

And then we're gonna come home, bake cookies, and watch Love Actually.

Dumb movie.

Then, Christmas moming, only Jessie and his daughter are gonna come over and we're gonna exchange three gifts.

Who's Jessie?

Then we're gonna spend all day in our pajamas until my friends come over for dinner when we are gonna order Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.

The horror!

Ugh! There'll be no show-off-y party, no sushi, no camels and definitely, definitely no Kenny G.

Amy, he is the godfather of smooth jazz.

Mom, lam done with your over-the-top Christmases.

This is my house and this is my life.

And if you wanna come down here and be a part of my family then you have to live by my rules.

Okay.

Really? We will do it your way.

We will have a mellow Christmas.

I hope you're happy.

I don't think you mean that but thank you, I am.


And it worked.

I stood up to her, and she totally backed down.

I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

I actually feel, for the first time, my mom looked at me as an equal like maybe some day, somehow, we could be closer.

Relax, Obama. Your mom is still a colossal bitch.

Don't let your guard down or she's gonna blow up your car.

All right. I'm just sayin'.

Either way, it was a big step, so I just wanna say thank you for encouraging me, ladies.

Ah, so proud. Thank you.

You know what we should do to celebrate? What?

Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses take off their clothes!

Yay! I love Santa Claus.

And there're so many of them.

Guys, I don't wanna make a big deal of this, but I'm kind of on a first date with one of the Santas.

Shut up. Yeah.

Which one?

Santa Number Two.

How'd you guys meet?

Oh, waxing his balls.

That is so romantic.

You learn a lot about a man when you wax his sack.

You know, some guys cry. Some guys act real tough.

But with Ty, he was so calm.

It was almost like waxing the balls of the Dalai Lama.

How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

All right.

Okay, listen, ladies, I need you guys to tell me which one of these sexy Santas is the sexiest of them all.

Any of them?

Yeah! Okay, well, let's start this thing off.

Santa Number One, the bar is yours, sir.

Oh. That is a lot of white skin.

Okay, you know, all right. Santa Number One, the audience has spoken.

Thank you.

Such a good sport. Such a good sport.

All right.

Now.

Bring it to the stage, my man, Santa Number Two!


Yeah! Take it off!

He's really good at stripping.

He has such kind eyes. Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck his dick off tonight.

Put a baby in me, Santa Number Two!

Whoo!

I love his panties. They're so seasonal.

Oh, my God.

I think I am in love. What?

I honestly think that he's the one.

Is that your mom?

Wait, holy shit. It is. Why is... Mom!

What are you doing?

Oh, look at that. Yeah. My mom dances this way with everybody.

So this doesn't bother me at all.

Oh, my God- His face is in her tits.

Wait. Mom, no motorboating! We talked about this.

All right. It's about to get weird. It's game time.

Oh, you look great! That's my mom.

That's your mom? Yeah. That's my mom.

You're Mom? Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's a pleasure. You have such a lovely daughter.

I know!

You should never have to watch your mom lick your boyfriend's nipples.

No.

Mom! What are you doing?

Ha! Whoa!

Oh» my God!

Mom!

Not one person caught me. That was amazing.

Every time they jump into the crowd, someone usually...

Hi.

Hi. Hey. Here you are.

I... Bag of ice for you.

Thank you, Ty.

Um...

So about tonight.

You know, we were gonna hang out after the show and I was looking forward to it.

I was wondering if you're still up for it? You know.

Oh, TY-

Yeah.

Um...

I would love to. Good.

But, you know, I think this is my mom's third concussion this month.

Wow. That's a lot of concussions.

Better stay with her for observation.

Yeah.

Well, um...

I gotta get back to Cleveland tomorrow.

Right.

But, uh... Think I could give you a call next time I come into town?

Would that interest you at all? Could I do that?

Please. Yeah?

Yes. Great.

I'd wax your balls for free.

That is so sweet Well, I would really love that, Carla.

And so would my balls.

Well. Consider it done.

Oh...

Sorry, I thought you wanted to...

Merry Christmas, Carla.

Merry Christmas, Ty.


Okay, time for bed, my darlings.

Tonight, I am going to sing you My Heart Will Go On by seven-time Grammy winner, Celine Dion.

Hmm?

What's the matter?

Is everything okay with you and Mom?

Yeah. You guys have been fighting a lot.

Come here and sit by me.

Both of you, come here.

Now, your mother and I just have a few tiny disagreements about the importance of Christmas and what it means to be a mother and the sanctity of marriage and how best to raise children.

But, otherwise, everything is fine.

There's no reason to worry, okay?

Look, I know this is your first Christmas since your parents got divorced and it's probably a little strange for you. Am I right?

Yeah. Yeah, it really is.

Well, first of all, both of your parents still love you so very much.

And no matter what happens I will always be there for you.

Always.

Because you're my grandkids.

And I love you more than anything in the whole world.

And so does Grandpa Hank.

I know his brain is the size of a walnut, but, you know, his heart is enormous.

Okay? Feel better?

Yeah. It's really nice having you here, Grandma.

Yeah. We really miss you.

Yeah. Aw!

I miss you, too.

Grandkids, they really are the greatest gift.

Speaking of gifts, have some iPhones.

Nice. No way.

Now, get ready for bed.

And I will come back and sing to you for hours.

I can't believe people fall for this shit.

It's so stupid.

I know. Wait, here comes somebody.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, hold on.

Hey, would you like to donate your canned goods to our Christmas canned food drive?

Oh, um, I sort of just bought all this...

Bingo. She's got cans.

Oh, Mom, look. She's got wine.

Thank you very much for a very generous donation to the canned Christmas food drive.

The children are gonna be so happy.

Yes!

That was a good haul' Mom.

Yeah, she had some good shit.

You know...

Ripping off rich people in front of the supermarket with you is bringing back a lot of happy Christmas memories for me.

Yeah. Me, too, babe.

I miss you, you know?

I miss you, too.

It's so weird.

Yeah. Maybe we should spend more time together?

Do you mean that?

Yeah. You know when we were at the bouncy place with what's his name?

Oh, my son, Jaxon? Yeah, him.

Um, I was watching you two and you were beating the shit out of each other with those sticks, and I thought, "Maybe I should have a relationship with my grandson."

Well, we'd love to see you more.

Yeah. Okay.

You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the money you asked me for, Mom, and...

I'm such an idiot.

But it's Christmas and you're my mom and...

Fuck it. Here.

It's a loan. It's a loan.

I mean, it's not everything you asked for.

But it's basically all I have. No, that's great. Thank you so much.

This is a loan. I will pay you back, I swear.

I really have my shit together now. Thanks.

Whoa!

Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Would you like to donate your cans to our canned food drive?

We're collecting for a drive for the homeless.

Yikes. I just bought all this. And canned goods.

You know, this is important. The fuck is this?

Uh, that's fennel.

Fuck it. So happy.

Thank you so much.

Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's coming. Code red, code red.

Go, go, go. Mom! Where did we park? Where did we park?

Happy Hanukkah. Where did we park?

Go, go, go. They just totally stole all my shit.

Taking this, though. This is cute, right? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, guys. So since it's Christmas Eve everybody gets to open one present, okay'?

Oh! Hey, Kiki, Kiki. Open mine.

Please open mine first. Please.

I'll go first. I guess. Okay.

What's this?

It is a key to my new house!

What are you talking about?

Well, after our therapy session, I felt like we were drifting apart so I decided to move closer to you guys.

Oh, okay. Where are you moving to?

Right next door!

Oh, Jesus. What?

You're moving, um, next door to me?

Yeah, the house wasn't on the market.

So I checked it out on Zillow and made an all-cash offer and then, boom. Howdy, neighbor.

Howdy, neighbor.

Oh, my God.

We can dig a tunnel between the houses.

Keeks!

Keeks.

Kent, get the kids out of here.

Mmm-hmm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.

Let's get outta here. Mommy and Grandma gotta talk.

Come on, buddy. This is gonna get ugly.

Mom. What?

You can't live next door to me.

Why not?

Because I need space and that is too close.

I have diabetes. Mom, stop.

Sit down. Kiki.

Sit. Kiki.

I've got strep throat. Mom.

I might have a gallstones. Really... Kiki... No. Enough.

We need to have this conversation.

I am a grown woman who needs a life that is separate from you rs and I need you to have a life that's separate from mine. I'm sorry.

Kiki, I don't want a life separate from yours.

You're my favorite person in the whole world.

I know. But, Mom, this is starting to affect my marriage.

And my family. And my sanity. What?

And I just need you to just let me go a little bit!

Well, what am I supposed to do with myself?

I don't know, Mom! Anything! Make some friends!

You're always saying you wanna go to Vegas to see Wayne Newton before he dies.

Do that! Anything! As long as it's without me!

Without you'?

Why are you doing this to me, Kiki?

I didn't... Mom...

And I really don't think I can return that house!

Ooh. 'Kay.

How fun was that sledding?

There is still an alarming amount of snow in my pants, I gotta say.

Oh, I can't wait to go home, throw on some jammies, get comfy.

I know. It's gonna be... Oh, look, someones having a party.

Yeah, they are.

Wow, that's a lot of people. A lot of people.

Wait.

You're having a party.

Um, is that a camel?

Yup, that's a camel.

I'm gonna kill her.

What the fuck.

What did she do to my house?

No!

Kenny G's in my den.

Mom.

You lied to me.

I did what was best for the family.

Mom, everything that is wrong with Christmas is in this room, and I want it all gone.

Amy, don't be ridiculous.

You can't kick Kenny G out of the house. He's a national treasure.

If you won't do it, then I will.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh.

Watch me.

Yo!

I need you to leave my house.

What are you talking about?

Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

I'm still getting paid, right?

I don't know! Take your little flute and shoo! Shoo, fly.

Okay. Okay. Go make another album.

It's not a flute, bitch.

Don't care. Thank you so much. You can go now.

Please. You can leave. Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you very much. You too, my friend. I'm so sorry.

Please, no, no, please exit.

I don't know any of you.

Please leave my house.

Farewell, see you later.

Sushi Chef, you gotta go. We're done.

You can take that plate.

Amy, stop! You're embarrassing the family.

Oh, my God. That's what this is about, isn't it?

This finally makes sense.

The perfect decorations, the perfect tree, whatever the hell that thing is in my front yard.

You didn't do this for the kids!

You did this for you!

All you care about is for people to go, "Oh, Ruth. You're so amazing.“ I have no idea what you're talking about.

Please don't leave without taking your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

This has got to all go. All of this has got to go.

The swag bags, the weird curtains, the floor, the tree.

Oh, God, the tree has got to go.

No, not my tree! It's from Paris!

Watch me. No!

No!

Say goodbye to your tree, Mother!

That's an antique!

It's a hideous tree, Mother!

You have no idea! It's not even real snow!

How dare you!

Do you know how much that thing cost?

I don't care! Let go!

Let go! Let go!

Those were from the Titanic!

I don't care!

That ice was from the moon! It was moon ice, you nasty bitch!

Let go of the stupid tree!

Let go!

Listen, Mom!

I promised my kids I wouldn't do Christmas like this!

Everybody loves a Christmas like this!

It's fucking spectacular!

No, they don't!

Holy shit.

I need you to get out.

Amy...

I've been putting up with your shit my entire life.

I can't do it anymore. I can't.

I need you out of my house, and I need you out of my life for good.

You don't mean that.

I really, really do.

Amy, it's Christmas. Mother, get out!


Did you just kick out Grandma forever?

How long have you been standing here?

How could you do this to us?

Guys, would you please just trust me that it's for the best.

No, it's not! It's the best for you.

We actually love Grandma.

Yeah, she's a part of our family, and we love her.

You don't just kick someone out.

First, you kick Dad out.

Now, you kick Grandma out.

Who's next? Are you gonna kick us out?

What? Honey, no, of course not.

I would never do that.

Why do you always have to screw everything up?

Honey...

Nice goin'.

Guys.

Guys?

So that's how I! Happened.

That's how I ruined Christmas.

I got so wrapped up in fighting with my mom that I lost sight of the only thing that actually matters.

I lost sight of my kids.

What's worse is I didn't just ruin Christmas.

I ruined my family.

Mom?

It's Christmas Eve.

Where do you wanna get takeout?

Mom?

Mom?


Hey.

Oh, hello.

Thank you again for inviting me to your church.

I really didn't.

What's up, bitches?

Oh, my gosh. It's Isis.

Isis is here.

Hi, Isis. Hey.

1111'.“ Well, I'm workin' out some shit.

Plus, all the bars are closed.

Oh, you guys I could really use some churchin' tonight.

You know what I mean?

No. Nope.

Well, today my daughter told me she needed "more space."

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

Yeah. Well, my daughter just kicked me out of her life forever.

Why?

Because I push her to be the best, and she can't handle it.

Of course, my mother pushed me twice as hard and I turned out amazing.

But I guess not everyone is as incredibly strong as I am.

Well, my daughter didn't kick me out of the house or anything.

But you would not believe how mad she got when I told her I bought the house next to hers.

What? You bought the house next to your daughter?

Yeah, I did.

Did you ask her first?

No, I wanted it to be a surprise.

Yeah, that might be a bit much.

Dude, that is fucking psycho.

Well, at least I love my daughter.

You only visit Carla when you need money.

No, that is not true.

I visit her on other occasions, like when I'm hiding from someone.

Oh, just admit it, Isis.

You're a degenerate gambler with a third-grade education and a cheap weave.

This is my own hair, okay? And you're a terrible mother.

Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.

No, I'm serious.

You think that you are so perfect, but you are the worst mom of all of us.

Well, I don't know.

Okay, okay. The second worst, whatever.

But the point is that you're one of those moms that you dress so perfectly and you give fancy parties, and you know how to cook food and you have all your own teeth.

But you know what? You suck.

You suck at all the shit that really matters.

And I even can see it. And I'm stoned all the time.

Please. You don't know the first thing about me.

If you're such an awesome mom, why did your daughter kick you out of her life forever?

In your face.

And you know what? I have done horrible stuff to my daughter, really horrible shit and she has never kicked me out. Never.

So you just take that and you roll it up real tight and you shove it up your ass.

Okay.

We have all shared some very powerful feelings tonight.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

You bet.

Hey.

Hey. Wow.

I heard what happened.

Are you doin' okay?

I don't know.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

How do you take it?

Take what? Living with Mom.

I mean, she's so bossy and controlling and...

Oh, my God, she's so vain. I mean, she spends all her time creating this perfect image of herself just so she can lord it over people.

Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

Oh, come on. She wears a princess outfit at least once a month.

You're probably never gonna believe this but your mom is the most insecure woman I've ever met.

My mother?

Ruth? Yes.

Redmond? Yes.

Huh.

She never shows anyone except for me but beneath that tough exterior is a scared little girl whose mom never really loved her.

Oh, come on, Dad. You know her mother.

Nothing your mom does is ever good enough for that woman.

She makes your mom feel worthless every single day of her life.

So that's why it's so important to your mom to make everything perfect.

It's not because she's vain. You know, it's because when someone tells her she's got the most amazing Christmas tree on the block it makes her feel, just for a second, like she's not worthless.

Like she's actually good at something.

Like she's loved.

Why does she take it out on me, then?

Because you know what she's most insecure about?

Mmm'?

Being a mom.

I can't tell you the number of times she said to me, "Did I do a good job raising Amy?

"Am I good mother? Did I screw everything up?"

She really asked that?

Sweetheart, she loves you more than anything in the world.

She's just got a...

A deeply fucked up way of showing it.

Yeah.

Look, I've been married to your mother for 36 years.

Mmm.

And she is a pain in the ass, even on a good day.

But you know what?

I love her more now than I did the day we got married.

Because I know the real her.

And if you can find it in your heart to forgive her and get to know her like I know her you might just find that there is a funny, sweet, beautiful person hiding inside there.

Did you say "sweet"?

Okay, a funny, beautiful person hiding in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know where she is?

It's Christmas Eve.


Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, Mom.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Sandy. I'm Kiki's mom.

Yes, I know. Nice to see you again.

How you doin'?

Hey, wow, look at that, all of you are here.

Okay.

And what are you doing here, Amy?

I, um...

I actually came to apologize for kicking you out of the house.

You're my mom, and that was a little harsh.

It certainly was.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, psycho bitch, your daughter just apologized to you.

You're now supposed to say, "I'm sorry“ to her.

That's the way human beings talk to each other.

Yeah.

I'm also basically sorry.

Okay, good. That was good.

Now tell her what you're sorry for.

You got this.

It is possible that I should not have thrown a secret Christmas party at your house.

Obviously, you made an incredible number of bad decisions this Christmas as well but for the tiny fraction of blame that falls on me, lam generally apologetic.

Okay.

Thank you.

Mom, I know that that was really, really hard for you to say.

It actually really was.

And you know what?

I want you to know that I finally understand why you're like this.

And I need you to know that I love you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't think that you're worthless.

I think you're fucking amazing.

Why are you saying this?

And no matter what anyone says

I think you're a great mom.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I loved my childhood.

I did. You gave me everything that I needed.

And you always pushed me to do better.

And' were you perfect?

Yes.

No.

But none of us are.

Sol really want you to know

that you did great.

That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

I actually think that you're a really wonderful mom.

I mean, your kids are so happy.

They're so sweet, and they love you so much.

Thank you.

I mean, I wish.-.

I wish I was as close to you as you are to your kids.

We still can, Mom.

Wow, I'm just not very good at this, Amy.

But I just love you so much.

I love you so much. I do.

Oh, my God. You're a train wreck.

Well, it's a very complicated relationship between a mother and a daughter.

But these two, they've got it together.

I know. I know, babe. Finally.

Yeah. Okay.

Here, do you want some of this? Yes.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Okay, Mom?

Mom, is it midnight already? Well, yeah.

We gotta save Christmas.

Oh, my God. I've been waiting my whole life for this.


Oh, it's going, it's going, it's going. Mom! Mom!

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Mom, you really did a lot of work.

I had a little help.

Merry Christmas, children. Grandma.

Oh!

Go open your presents.

I got you seasons one through six of The Walking Dead.

Oh, good Lord. Really, Mom?

Thanks, Grandma.

I'll get N.

Merry Christmas.

Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

Merry Christmas, Ruth. Merry Christmas, Jesus.

Uh... It's Jessie.

Wow, you have really broad shoulders. Amy, feel his shoulders.

Oh, here we go. Okay, Mother. Thank you. Get in.

Oh, thanks for almost learning his name.

I love you, girl.

Merry Christmas, Kiki.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Do you like my Kiki-head pajamas?

Sort of. Thank you.

I just wanted to let you know that I have put the house next door on the market.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I really appreciate that I know I can be a little psycho sometimes, and I know you need your space.

Which is why I bought the house across the street.

No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy the house across the street. Oh, okay.

I bought the house down the street. What?

No, I'm gonna move into your attic.

Mom! Seriously. Kiki. What?

Where are you living?

I'm gonna go back to Bismarck, where I belong.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I just...

I really miss your dad on Christmas.

I do, too. Yeah.

I do, too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Hey, Mom, look what Santa got me.

A used baseball glove.

It's great, buddy.

I used to have one just like it.

Is that Santa?

Why would it be Santa, honey?

Remember, Santa came last night.

Can I come in?

Um...

All right, I know I haven't been the best mother in the world.

But you somehow just turned out really good.

Um...

And, Carla, I just...

I wanna be more like you.

So I've given up gambling on horses.

And I'm gonna pay you back every cent that I borrowed from you.

Really?

Yeah. You know, I got a fucking job.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No! They hired me to be in charge of childrens' safety.

Why would they let you do that?

I don't even know how I passed the drug test.

Seriously.

They're crazy.

And with what they're paying me, I think I can pay you back in about 245 years.

Wait, does this mean you're gonna...

Stick around for a while?

If it's cool with you, yeah.

Mom.

It's all I've ever wanted.

Well, I'll stay as long as you want me to.

Mom.

Mom, also I got a box o' Ziploc bags.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Shaobing for everybody.

Everybody but me.

God, Chinese food on Christmas.

I feel like such a Jew.

Would you like some shaobing?

Oh, you know I would.

No, honey, that is Ruth's husband.

Oh, honestly, have at it.

Hank deserves a little fun at Christmas.

Guys, I can't believe that we're eating Chinese food for Christmas dinner and my mother is loving it.

I can't believe my mom's not wearing a sweatshirt with my face on it.

Guys, we did it.

We actually took Christmas back this year.

I couldn't have done it without you girls.

Ladies, I love you.

We love you back. Same here.

Hi, is, um, Carla here?

Yes!

Ty Swindel.

How did you find me?

I just looked for you.

Hi.

I have so many things I wanna say to you right now.

Just say it.

I feel like it's better if I do it through the universal language of dance.

Shut up. Yes!

What dancing? Christmas dancing.

Oh, TY-

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful, Ty.

Oh, my fucking God.

Turn her around. Turn her around.

It's okay, just turn her around.

Okay.

All right, that's great. Okay, we're done.

That was amazing. Thank you so much.

Just go for it, dude.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

He's so hot.

That's my son. Yeah?

Hey, man. Right there.

That's Jaxon.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

I'll take you right in there. I love you.

I love you.

Whew' Oh!

Oh! We better get going or we're gonna miss our flight.

What flight? Oh, I didn't tell you?

Isis, Ruth and I are going to Las Vegas for New Year's.

And we're gonna see Wayne Newton before he dies.

The three of you are going to Vegas together?

Yeah. Well, we're best friends now.

Well, we're new friends.

We're best friends.

Yeah, we're new friends.

Mmm.

Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Yes, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hank, get all our bags.


Merry Christmas, everyone!

Ho, ho, ho, girl.

You're on my naughty list.

Tonight.


Your Santa, baby


Merry Christmas, baby.