A Boy and His Dog (1975) Script

Ahem. World War 3.

Hot and cold.

Lasted from...

Dog: Hold.

Dog: Female.

Dog: Rover pack has her, 125 yards.

Dog: Solo, waiting to move in, 75 yards.

Don't ...your stinking... all over this god damn..get away from me, No.....

Get away from me, nooo...

..Help me! Help me!

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, see her jerk when I cut her?

Dog: Hold, one more.

Dog: You're still constantly overreacting.

Dog: I've absolutely no idea how I managed to keep you alive so long.

Dog: And I wouldn't bother going down in there unless your taste has changed radically Dog: They left an ugly mess.

Dog: I said, they left a mess!

I heard you.

Dog: The poor swine all my directives go completely unregarded.

Dog: Sometimes you’re just as ignorant as any other common rover.

Dog: One indication of a female alone Dog: and leave caution to the wind, and the eyes glaze Dog: glands swell and the brain freezes.

I can't see a thing in there....smell it!

Dog: I thought you were doing all the scouting today, Vic.

Damn it Blood, don't give me a hard time, smell it!

Dog: It's clean.

Ain't that a shame.

Hell, they didn't have to cut her.

She could have been used three or more times.

Dog: Ah, war is hell.

All right. Run it again.

Dog: You’re so funny when you are sexually frustrated.

And I'm funny enough to kick you upside the butt!

I said find and I ain't kidding.

Dog: One does not said ain't, Albert, simply say I'm not kidding.

Fine, dog meat. And stop calling me Albert.

Dog: Ah, and you would stone a poor defenseless animal, wouldn't you.

Dog: Yes, I can tell that would.

Dog: I could tell by your short breath Dog: And your disgusting aggressive behavior that you would.

Dog: And, humph.

Dog: that's because you're not a nice person, Albert Dog: you're not a nice person at all.

Dog: Do I gawk at you when you're working?

Dog: I'll locate a female if there is one.

Dog: You go look for food.

woohoo, yeah, sonofabitch why don't you shove it

hey, what's going on?

Dog: I detect no living female person in my range, sir.

Dog: I have sniffed and I have cast Dog: And I have a negative reading.

Dog: However I'd be happy to tell you a suggestive story if that would help Pass, fuzzy-butt.

Dog: A cautious young man named Lodge Dog: Had seat belts installed in his dodge.

Dog: When his date was strapped in Dog: He committed a sin, without leaving the garage.

Dog: That's clever, isn't it?

Let's see, from March 1953 to June...

Dog: Now Albert, you have all the cranial capacity of a canary.

Dog: Now, I'm going to recount these events of historical significance once again Dog: Now please try to assimilate them this time.

Dog: WW3, hot and cold, lasted from June 1950 to March 1983 Dog: Dog: When the Vatican armistice was signed Dog: Between the Eastern and Western blocs, a total of 33 years.

Dog: Is it too fast for you?

No, I'm right with you. Dog: Oh, good.

Dog: Now World War 4 lasted 5 days Dog: Just long enough for the final missiles Dog: to leave their silos on both sides.

Dog: What's left here were once homes with warm hearths...

Hee, hee, would you get off my back you mad dog, hehehe Dog: Now, only desolation, civilization lies smothered and decaying under an ocean of mud Dog: belonging to anyone who's strong enough to Dog: kick and fight and take it for their own.

Dog: God, that's dramatic, I like it.

Dog: So, spread about us, the city of Phoenix, Arizona Dog: where in 2006, 18 odd years ago you managed to Dog: come into the world and we became associates.

Dog: Now, let's hear that back.

Dog: Now let run through the modern presidents.

What good is this history crap going to do me?

Dog: Just do the Presidents.

Oh, God...Eisenhower, Truman.. Dog: Truman, Eisenhower Vic: Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon...Kennedy, Kennedy...

Dog: Your continued narrow-minded refusal to believe in Over The Hill, is possibly costing us a better life, you know.

Over The Hill, my ass.

Dog: Well when do we start looking for it again?

Soon as I get my heart started?

Dog: I mean let's stop the crap..

I know what you mean, over the hill where the deer and the antelope play. and it's warm and clean and we can relax and have fun Man, they grow food right out of the ground, how do like that pipe dream?

Dog: It's called farming.

Oh, I believe you. And they also have a great crop of clothes and guns and gorgeous chicks.

Now you're gonna tell me how so saw the whole thing with your baby blues.

Dog: Never said I saw, I said I heard about it.

And from who?

Dog: From whom, and you know from whom.

And whom the hell's gonna believe a police dog?

I'm sorry Blood.

I believe you about Over the Hill.

Hell, I believe anything you tell me. and even if we don't know for sure, it's worth checking, right?


Dog: Whatever you say.

We will go, just like I promised.

Right now I'm hungry and I wanna get laid.

So find me a broad and we'll go to the promised land.

Dog: That's what you always say.

I know, I know, but I mean it this time.

Find me a chick and we'll go.

Dog: I'm hungry.

So am I!

I tell you what. You go find a chick and I'll hustle us up some food.

Dog: I'm hungry.

You already said that, God damn it and I just said...

Dog: I can't do good work when I'm hungry.

You ain't pulling that crap on me again.

And you shove that part about how you lost the ability to hunt for food when you learned how to talk!

Oh hell all you're good for is finding hard, stingy scum bags, that are just liable to cut off my Goddamn....

Dog: No food, no females.

Okay you just sit there on your flabby butt while I do all the god damn work.

I'll tell you one goddamn thing, you better do some tracking; it's been six weeks since I been laid and it sure as hell ain't been that long since you ate. (dog hums in background]

By god it damn well may be if you don't start producing.

Leroy's here.

Heave, heave, pull, pull on that line!

Pull on it! Pull....

Get out of there, hey you junkies, get that dirt out of there.

Must be something special. You got the whole bunch.

You get up and get in that hole. Get up!

You get yourself up or you ain't never gonna get up!

How'd he know there'd be a house here...he' smart, that's how.

Wonder why they hang around him?

Dog: Hmmm, probably just charisma.

Hey there...

You dig.

Move your foot if you don't want...hey, watch where you're going!

Where'd you...it? Maybe he ain't heard about it?



Play melancholy baby!

Winds were soft, rains were wet, mountains were high, things....

Dog: God, I wish he'd tune that.


I don't know.

Chet got Cracker Jack to here.

Think he just might do.


Get out of here.. Look at that. Real beer.

Keep your hands off of that. Now get away from here.

Dog: Sigh. Vic: Look at all that food.

I'll knock your stupid head in. You and who else?

You all right. I need shoes. Anybody see some shoes?

Hey you pigs get down there and dig.

This place ought to be loaded. Get it out of there.

Might work.

Dog: We'll wait like we always do.

Hell with waiting.

Dog: Vic, come back here!

Get away from here, help help, he's taking our bag, help help.

Get back down in here, you idiots, get back in here.

Leave him go.

Oh shut up. At least he's got some guts.

Get out of here and guard that wagon.

He got our bag. Run boy!

Come back any time, though.

Dig you...

That's our boy. Put out the cheese.

What do you want to do tonight?

Dog: Oh, doesn't really matter to me.

Whatever you would like to do, Albert...uh, Vic.

Well, hell, now that we're loaded, I guess we could hit the turf.

Dog: Yes, we could do that.

Well if you rather not...

Dog: Oh no, no, no, that would be fine.

We could probably even afford a little pop..popcorn.

Mats good for the rifle, put in the water there.

They’re getting wet there; move them over, goes to rust fast.

Move on along.

You money grabbing toad, you move my stuff over!

Move his heat; we don't want no trouble tonight.

If it picks up one rust spot, you're going to wake up with a crowd around you.


We could use some.

What about the mutt.

He ain't no mutt.

You wanna see the movies or don't you.


How the hell am I supposed to know that?

You can read, can't you?

Peaches for the dog.

Beets are better for him any way.

There's a screamer 'bout a mile out.

Where's he heading?

You think I'd stick around to find out? I said screamers.

Dog: I want popcorn.


You said we'd get some.

Who said.

Dog: Come on, Albert, buy me some popcorn.

I'm tapped, you can live without it.

Dog: You're just being an ass.

You just remember that the next time you want to call me Albert.

Dog: I hope the next time you play with yourself you go blind.

Dog: Come on let's sit there in front.

Sit down!

Get your ass over there, I want to sit here.

Dog: How can you enjoy a show without popcorn.

[movie sounds}

Dog: All right tightwad, watch the master at work.

Dog: Charity is a thing of the past.

Dog: There's a female in here.

You're nuts.

Dog: I tell you she's in here.


Where is she?

Wait a minute.

Come out here, I want to talk to you.

Lying egg sucker, I ought to kick your tail up around your ears.

Expect me to believe you can whiff her when there ain't no other dog in the whole joint that's caught her yet?

Dog: Now you forget my infallibility, Albert, that's foolish.

No I didn't forget, I just don't believe it.

Where is she?

Knock it off.

How the hell can I see the picture?

Get them out of here, sic the dogs on them.

Call off the dog...

Ok, all right I was dumb, you taught me all I know, I believe everything you say.

That wasn't her was it? Come on.

She might get away. I'll buy you the popcorn.

Bottom line, you're a brain with an educated nose and there's no other canine in your class.

Dog: She's dressed like a solo wearing a knit cap.

Where's the kid?

He's spending the night with Johnny Lambert.

Oh, please, take me now.

Come on, get up. Not yet guys.

Damn it darling, cry!

Look what I found.

Okay? Which way did she go?

Dog: To the right.

Come on.

Not Troy or Hitchcock.

That's it for tonight, shut 'her down.

That stupid broad.

She's in there where the screamers hole up.

Dog: They're not in there now, she's in there alone.


Damn it.

How the hell am I going to nail her in there?

Dog: Simple, stop shaking like a leaf and go in there and do it.

You sure it's clean?

Dog: Albert, have I ever lied to you?

Go over there, and I'm going to get one of them mats.

You make one move off there and I'll shoot your leg right out from under you. and you'll still get it except you'll be without a leg.

Well what are you looking at?

What's your name?


Vic what?

Just Vic.

Then what are your mother and father's names?

Boy are you a dumb broad.

I told you to stop looking at me like that or I'll bust your teeth out.

Now get that stuff off.

What's your name?

Quilla June Holmes.

That's a weird name.

It's not. My mother says it's not that unusual back in Oklahoma.

That where your folks come from?

Before the war.

They must be pretty old by now.

They are, but they're okay I guess.

Hmm, this one's better....Now what?

Dog: Rover pack. 23 strong. They got the building surrounded.

Great, some other mutt must have smelled her in the theater.

Who are you talking too?


The dog?

Dog: Give them the girl.

Dig in and stand them off.

Dog: They don't know about us.

Just give them the girl and let's get out of here.

We stay. Now you got any helpful suggestions?

Dog: Yeah, pull up your pants, Romeo.

Dog: Now will you listen to reason?

Dog: There's too many of them. You're going to get us shot up.

Dog: Damn fool.

Dog: There's only one way out of here. Boxed in, that's no good.

Dog: out there in the big room...what...Quilla: Hello dog, hello...

Dog: Oh Jesus, they'll probably come down the ladder...Quilla:

What's a matter, don't you talk to strangers? Dog: Shut up will you!

Dog: I can see it.

Dog: It's going to be a great help, now if we..Quilla: Do you understand me?

Dog: One down, take his heat that will get him...Quilla: What's the...

Shut up!

Dog: Lovely odds we're up against, aren't they?

Right. Let's set up for them.

Dog: And I'm right about the simpering female.

I get that, now how do you figure the fight?


Over there!

Hey ....

She's moving again.


Where'd she go?

Dog: Good or bad first.


Dog: All right, they didn't come down the ladder like I anticipated and since they found other ways in, we've lost the element of surprise.

Dog: There's no way we can handle them.

And the good?

Let the 7 dwarfs have Snow White and we can get out of here with all our parts.

Over my dead body.

Dog: They're working on that right now. Grrrrr...

Dog: Screamers.

Where? I don't hear them.

Dog: Now what would everyone do if they heard one right now.

Run like a sonofabitch.

Dog: Ah ha.

It's worth a try.


You hear that?


Goddamn it, get out of the way!

Dog: Make certain they've gone, Vic.

Dog: Don't stick your empty head out, Vic.


Dog: Will you shut her up? I can't hear myself think.

Dog: Get something green. Wrap it around a stick.

Dog: Wave it up there. Shine a flashlight up through it.

Have they gone?

What do you see?

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

They are wimps...woohoohoo!

We did it!

I would have given a whole sack of potatoes to see their faces when they ran!

Hehehe, Hey Blood we did it, we did it! Woohoohoo.

Come on. Let's get the hell out of here.

Dog: They might still be out there. Just pull back a little.

Dog: Wait until daylight, then we'll see.


Well, I'll take the chick in.

Dog: She's right below us.

Stupid hick, you wanna run into one of them?

You think I'm bad? Well you just wait until you see one of them.

What are they?

I don't know.

I just know you stay away from them.


'Cuz if one of them touches you you're dead, green dead.

Dog: 3 of them, move.

Dog: Come one.

Where are you?

Do: By the boiler. The insulation might help.

Where are we going, Vic. Why is it? Why....

Shut up, and hang on to me.

Dog: Hurry it up.

Dog: Help me up there.

Dog: Yes, this will do.

Dog: Clumsy.

Dog: I wonder how many mattresses are in here.

Dog: Screamers certainly wouldn't want to be confined.

Dog: Albert! Tell this to keep it's hands to itself!

Dog: Maybe somebody else hid in here.

Dog: Get yer...

Dog: Oh well, somewhat of a weak call I bet.

Catch anything yet?

Dog: Oh well, we're all right so far.

You be able to tell when they leave?

Dog: Yes, I'll be able to tell.

Dog: If they leave.

Just take it easy. Everything's going to be all right.

That is, if we don't get choked off in here.

Can you handle it?

Dog: Oh yes, Massah Vic, I can handle it.

Dog: Ugh, breeding is an ugly thing.

..long enough for the final misses to leave their silos on both sides Let's see that was in 2006 Dog: 2007 Uhh...2007. It only lasted 5 days.

You're awfully smart to know all that history..

Well Blood helps...a little.

Dog: Humph.

Haven't you ever been down under?



It's very nice.

I heard how nice.

From a solo who raided one.

Well it's very nice, and you'd like it.


That's very crude.

I'm very crude.

Not all the time.

Listen, ass, I grabbed you and brung you down here.

So what's so good about me?

I didn't mind. I liked it.

You want to do it again?

Well I've never seen no chick like you before.

Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to wanna....do it.

Dog: Once more into the breech dear friend.

Dog: Copula something that connects, copulate from the Latin copulatus doing...

Honey, it's good to just watch you.

Your waist falls in. your hips out, they fit right in my hands.

Just want to talk.

Dog: I'm not just going to keep pretending I'm asleep, Albert.

Oh, boy, you're a bloody mess.

Dog: Well you're not exactly a rose garden yourself.

We'll get out of here, yet.

Dog: Seems clear. I better go have a look.

Think you, think you can handle it in your condition?

Dog: Can I handle in my condition, humph. I can handle several hours on the rack to extricate myself from this disgusting display.


Dog: No sacrifice is too great...no, I throw myself gladly into the very jaws of death.

I don't think he likes me very much.



Oh, he just feels bad. He likes you a lot.

He told me so.

He did really?

Uh, huh.

That's nice, because I think he's cute.

How do you do it?


Talk to him.

I don't know, I never thought about it.

Just talk.

Well, how come I can't hear him?

Uh, he said something one time.

He thought we had a feeling for each other or something.

What do you mean, like love?

I guess.

I don't know.

He said we though alike.

Ha ha, I don't know.

Well, anyway...

We'll get a nice little place... and, we'll spend a lot of time together alone... and do whatever we feel like doing. and when Blood comes to visit he can have his own room.

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't exactly think he's going to fit in Down Under.

No way!

No, that's what I said.

No, I mean, no way I'm going down there.

I'm going to be there.

No, you're not.

We'll make it up here, the 3 of us.

Vic, now I live there.

If you love me...

I don't care.

Dog: Come out here right now.

Dog: Vic, we need to talk.

What the hell's lumbering you.

Dog: Your headlong plunge into stupidity.

Dog: Last night was inexcusable.

Dog: Leaving her for the pack would have been the intelligent thing to do.

I wanted her.

Dog: I know you wanted her about half a hundred times. Why we still hanging around?

I want her some more.

Well listen my friend I want to get rid of this pain in my side and I want to get away from here.

The screamers can come back any time, you know.

Oh, what the hell you worrying about that for. We can handle all that.

That don't mean she can't go with us.

Dog: Go with us? Are you out of your small mind?

Dog: What good is she? It's all we can do to feed our own selves.

You know you're starting to sound like a poodle.

Dog: You're starting to sound like a jackass.


Blood, come on. Hey!

It will still be 50 50 with you and me.

Hell, I owe you.

Dog: Don't try that hackney ruse on me.

Oh come on, I just meant like that time that, that old screamer made a grab for me.

You know that righteous tone green he was too, all glowing like a fungus, oozing and eyelashes...

Boy, made a grab for me, and you went for him.

You'd been burned bad, too, and died.

That would have been all of it for you, right?

Dog: Now get that dramatic catch out of your voice and tell me how she's going to carry her share of the load up here. Tell me....

All right, okay, just don't hang her Dog: Harangue, not hang her..

I don't care whatever the hell, you just knock of the crap or we can forget the whole stinking arrangement Dog: Well, maybe we should, you simple dumb putz.

Putz. What's a putz. Is that something bad?

I'll bet it is. It's something bad. You better watch your stinking mouth or I'm going to kick you in the butt.

Dog: Definitely a putz.


Dog: Hahaha, That means she can't go with us. I told she was no good.

Okay, okay.

I just don't like being made to feel guilty.

I'm going to do right by you.

Dog: I would highly recommend that considering there are several knowledgeable solos around town who would be delighted to work with an accomplished female provider like myself.

I also don't like being threatened.

Dog: It's not a threat, that's a fact.

No, that's a good way to get that other leg broke.

Dog: Don't take your petty frustrations out on me Albert, I locate females I don't guarantee their behavior.

What the hell's that?

Dog: Well how should I know?

Well smell it.

Dog: It's probably some ID she used to get out of the Down Under.

Dog: Oh, now we're in a big hurry.

Dog: Now if you'd listened to me last night instead of...

Dog: Wait a minute...you're not thinking of following that....

Dog: You, you listen to me Albert.

Dog: You, you'll get killed out there.

Dog: Albert. Albert. You come back here.

Dog: You idiot, you can't go down there. You listen to me.

Dog: Because some stinking female knocked you on the head and bruised your ego, Dog: there's no reason to become a callous juvenile.

Dog: You stop this instant Albert!.. Vic Egg sucker.

All right.

Dog: Vic, please don't.

Dog: Please stop a minute, please stop.

Dog: I don't know what to say, there, how to make you understand.

Dog: Your not thinking clearly. You can't go down there...

Dog: An ever hope to come back and she knows it.

Dog: Down Unders hate solos. Enough rover packs have raided down there and...

Dog: and raped their woman and stolen their food...

Dog: They'll have their defenses up and they'll catch you and they'll kill you.

What the hell do you care?

You're always saying you'll better of without me anyway.

Dog: Oh forget about her, Vic. Let her go, let's look for Over the Dog: You get tired of me, you find another partner somewhere, Dog: Whatever you do, don't follow here down there.

I got to, Blood.

I got to.

Dog: Hasn't occurred to you how convenient this whole operation has been?

Dog: How easy she was to spot and follow and how she Dog: Just think about it Vic instead of walking right into their hands. God knows what they'll do with you.

Dog: We've been together long time, good or bad...

Dog: This could be the worst. I'm scared.

Dog: I'm scared you won't come back and I'll have to find some Dog: rover to take me on.

Dog: You know most rovers are in packs now, and I'm not that young anymore.

Dog: And I'll miss you, Vic.

Dog: I'll really miss you.


Try to get back as quick as I can.

Will you wait?

Dog: For a while, then...Over the Hill.

Take care of yourself.

Dog: Do my best.

I'll catch up with you.

Dog: Sure.

Dog: So long...


[high pitched hum)

And with these terrifying sounds of primeval sounds of savagery We close the committee's presentation... of sound tours into the past.

Today, chapter 3.

Africa the dark continent.

Tomorrow chapter 4, Alaska.

Michael, yellow reference, a malfunction.

Level 10, up section 6.

Repeat, yellow reference

We often despise what is closest to us.

Another helpful hint from the committee's almanac.

Now is the ??of the man.

It is exactly 10 am on this Wednesday, June 29 Year of our Lord, 103

May I have the chicken salad please?

...and awards and punishment session, committed to all. Attendance discretionary. One hour. I repeat one hour....

Be resolved therefore that Mrs. Eunice Long has been declared the blue ribbon winner... of the annual Topeka canning festival. and throughout the year of Lord, 103, all preserved peaches, be they canned or in jars, shall bear her likeness and inscription, Topeka Queen.

Michael, green reference. hydroponics laboratory, number 173 Patty and Gordon McBurnat.

...of nutrient supplements....

...repeat, green reference....

This is the best the architects can do.


Why are they here?

Lack of respect. Wrong attitude.

Failure to obey authority.



Cut and dry then.

I think so.

That will do it.

Patty and Jordan McBurnat.

Any reason to be easy?

Not, when we... put this in and then we'll add...

That's that.

We find it almost impossible to believe, that you have ignored several warnings by us to conform. you of the rules that are vital to the continue growth and well being of our beloved Topeka, but you did.

Defiance of this committee duly elected and ordained by the people will not be tolerated.

The Farm. Both of them.

Now how did the last farms go, Miss.

Had cancer at the...No, No!

...no, let me see...

I had it down here.

No...no, it was an action with farm machinery.

That's what it was.

Larry and Linda Lacey March 17, of this year.

Let's make these heart attacks.


Yeah, yeah, grief from the committee, Dot will do the eulogy Services at Lakeside Methodist, the usual.

...and may God have mercy on your soul.

Now that's the way to build a cotton head.

Quilla June Honey! Come to papa.

Oh, aah. It sure is pleasing to see you back home again.

Didn't have any trouble, everything went okay, didn't have any trouble, eh?

No sir.

Aaah, that's fine, fine.

Sure did yourself proud missy.

The committee won't forget it, no siree!

Then I'll be put on the committee right away, like we talked about.

Hmm, don't you worry about it, little girl, soon as there's an opening.

Mr. Craddock, I would prefer not to wait.

After all, I did bring Vic down here exactly like you told me to.

Now you just be patient Quilla June.

Have fun with the young folks your own age.

Think about getting married making a home.

Your time will come.

I'd rather be just like you, Miss Mez And not wait.

Well, don't you worry, little girl.

I don't see why you don't...

That will be all, that will be all.

That young lady's going to be trouble.

Always has been. Any reason for her to change?

Maybe you should have gone to three.

Uhhh, little childish.

Plotting doesn't bother me none.

Long as it stays little.

Miss, I...

See that she's one of the recipients.

Then marry her off to Harriman and his boy, what's his name.


Charlie, yeah.

If that don't cool her ambitions, farm her out.

Horse manure.

You are one dumb committee, stupid stinking ole Rotterloo.

I am bristling!

That is the only reason I went along with their dumb plan.

[announcer: America, the land of plenty, was the world's greatest agricultural...]

They promised me.

Promised. announcer: capable not only of feeding its own hardworking...

They hinted.

Then they tried to shoo me off without a by your leave, so I pushed.

Well you shouldn't have. I mean they're going to be watching us now.

Gary, I don't care. I am so sick and tired...

The Farm. announcer: our Christian desire to aid our brothers across the seas.

You're right.

I do care.

Okay I'm going to smile. and I'm going to curtsy the right time to all the right people, 'cuz it ain't going to be much longer The song of David will not wait even for you, Quilla June Holmes.

That is you class Aah, yes Mrs. Cammock.

Oh, pigeon feed Aah, I'm sorry I'll be right there, ma'am.

See you later.

He and Vic were in the park together, I turned my back for just a sec....


What did you and Vic talk about?

Come on, we want to know.

Well, Lew.


Uh, sometimes I'm so confused.

There, good.

Now, how about it boy?

I mean, we're going to find out any way, so..

Why don't you just tell us and it will make it easier on all of us, huh?

What do you say, huh?

How about it boy?

The Farm, immediately. announcer: Grandmother's Conrad's recipe for rhubarb marmalade.

Let me go, god dammit, aargh. announcer: and lemon jam.

Ah, what did the exam show?

It's about the usual cold virus, it's a little high blood pressure to be expected under these conditions.

There no infection, he's well developed and reasonably well nourished.

..intelligence average, emotional responses simplistic Most marked finding is his overtly aggressive behavior. in other words, he's extremely physical.

As you may have noticed.

Hehe, well now son.

Suck wind, duck brain Better be nice, boy.

I hope all your stinking kids are harelips.


All right.

Better behave, son.

Along with many other organisms... somehow managed to stay alive up above You have been studied, observed Unobtrusively, of course.

Living habits, common sense tenacity physical prowess Out of the many You have been chosen

Led down here by...

Quilla June to be the recipient of an honor Now she's a scumbag!

Watch your foul mouth, boy.

When anybody on the committee speaks You just keep still and listen.

Hey, how would like to have a rifle rammed up your butt.


All right, all right You show respect, boy.

As I was saying to be the recipient of an honor that occurs but once in several decades.

Now Mez... let me have the original elders proclamation, will you.

The fruit of your loins will enable the productive citizenry of Topeka to overcome metabolic changes resulting from months of subterranean living. allow it to keeps its leadership in the drive through to make this in God's own image.

See, we've been underground too long.

Our woman can't get pregnant.

Every once and awhile we need new blood.

We, need a new man.

announcer: We are never so happy, nor unhappy..

..a man... announcer: ...as we imagined... announcer: Another helpful hint for living, from the committee's..

..special kind of man...

Hahaha, you mean you want me to knock you broads?

You talked me into it. Line them up.

You first, honey.

Take your hands off me.

Together with beseech thee..

..in the way of righteousness and peace that loving and serving thee with one heart and mind all the days of their life they may be abundantly enriched the tokens of thy everlasting favor


By authority vested in me by the Committee I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

According to the ordinances and the laws of the state of Topeka.

What got has put together, let no man put asunder.

Amen. announcer: a man should never be ashamed to admit he has been in the wrong announcer: Which is but saying he is wiser today... announcer: then he was yesterday announcer: another helpful hint for living, from the committee's almanac.

Mez, you would have something to help a well used throat Be sure to get both parents to sign right here.

Now, let's see brother Hathaway. announcer: Michael, amber reference announcer: air intake valve, number 12. announcer: shaft 17B. announcer: Indicates heat buildup. announcer: repeat amber reference.

Chapter One, verse twenty-two, mayor.

God blessed them and said be fruitful and multiply.

God Bless, that's a B.

You almost asked yourself out of this honor, young lady.


The committee.

Oh, well, I'm sure the committee knows best.

Where are your parents?

Aah, Miss Mez said it would be all right.

Uhh, they must have come down with something because they sure don't feel well.

Shall we keep the schedule? Dearly beloved Uhh, Brother Har...

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today...

They made me do it.

You don't understand, they made me do it.

Don't you give me that I'm sorry bullshit.

You're as crazy as these other damn nuts.

Keep your voice down.

Maybe stupid, but they're not dumb like you.

Oh no? They bring me down here to make babies and then hook me up to this machine, that's real smart.

It's population control, Vic, in case you haven't heard of it.

35 girls are impregnated and then you are killed, do you understand?

There are idiots like you running around the place.

So you wiggled your little butt...

And teased me down here to get beaten up.

They said kill me if I didn't. Listen...

...and there is another thing I want you to make sure of on this most solemn and joyous...

I'm going to run Topeka.

You and me. and maybe some others.

We'll be the committee.

Do anything we want, any time we want.

Let them bow and scrape for a change.

Just by springing me?

Yeah, and getting rid of the committee.

Where's my heat?


My guns, where's my guns?

In the committee office.

How you got it figured?

Okay Right out this door to the right is Michael.

There's a crowd there. We run through the crowd..

They'll come unglued, and right to the right again Big doors. Through the doors we have help outside.

Don't panic.

God damn it. announcer: another helpful hint for living from the committee’s almanac.

Your guns are to the right.

What happened?

They'll probably be coming up.

They folded like I said they would.

Hey listen, Michael's got to be first.

And Jeb, then Wilson, or we're all in trouble.

announcer: And then the faint thunder became an uproar the winds changed to a great vibration of..

Then Lew, then Mez.

Then Doc. Kill Lew first, 'cuz he's the important one.

Where you going? The church is this way.

Hey, we got to get them when they are together.

Where you going?

I'm getting the hell out of here I want to see Blood again.

I want to get into a good straightforward fight with some sonofabitch over a can of beans.

I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean Wait a minute.

How can you just put us out in the open.

You got to help us.

Good luck baby.

Vic please. You dirty, filthy, stinking, rotten, animal.

You stupid animal. You think I let you slobber all over me and paw me so's you can walk out now?

I didn't bring you down here so they could use you.

I brought you down here so I could use you.

You better kill them, then I don't care what you do.

Please, no, don't leave darling, please help me I love you, I love you My lips said that 'cuz you believe me.

Please, Vic. announcer: cooking skillets of preferably of the non-stick variety.. announcer: fry the bacon until brown, but not too crisp announcer: then set it aside to drain announcer: pour off all but two tablespoons of the fat..

I don't understand you, all you can think about is going back up there, and about your dog.

That's like all the time we spent together didn't mean anything to you. announcer: but they don't brown now I don't see what's wrong with staying down here and running the committee. announcer: add the corn beef and reserve the liquid for the potatoes There they are. Killing them can bring everything down here in powers announcer: Two tablespoons of chopped parsley announcer: and add the greens. Mix together gently but thoroughly Oh, to kick them out. We can do whatever we please. announcer: and add salt and freshly ground pepper to taste..

Kill them, Vic, now. announcer: Red reference. announcer: repeat red, red reference.

Moron announcer: The committee.

Do it!

The Committee, sitting an extraordinary session

11:37 am.

July 4, year of our lord, 103 All present.

Bestow upon the Committee thy servants of the seal thine approval and thy fatherly benediction. granting on to them grace to fulfill with pure and steadfast affection the ordinances and the laws.

The state of Topeka, Amen.

You have ignored several warnings by us informed of the rules that are vital to continue the growth of our beloved Topeka What's been ordained by the people could not be tolerated Quilla June. announcer: Quilla June Holmes

2006, 1 hundred and 44 Lack of respect, wrong attitude, failure to obey authority How say you one and all?

Aye. Aye. Aye.

The Farm, immediately.


Gary Maroy Franklin, number 2598.

Lack of respect, wrong attitude, failure to obey authority.

How say you one and all?

Aye. Aye. Aye.

The Farm, immediately. announcer: Richard Richard Van Ricecue, number 2601 announcer: Lack of respect. wrong attitude failure...

All right.

Vic, I'll show you the way out. Let's get out of here.


The Farm, immediately.

I'll show you the way out, All right, I'll show you the way out.


Please, let's just get out of here.

I'll take care of you and Blood.

I'll do anything you want to do.

Vic, remember in the boiler room? announcer: wrong attitude, failure to...

How say you one and all?

Aye, aye, aye.

First thing that boys ever done.

A shame.

Vic, please, let's get out of here.

Same, Farm, immediately.

And may God have mercy on your soul. announcer: Take the the bacon fat in the skillet announcer: add dash, and with a spatula spread evenly..

announcer: cook uncovered over moderate heat for 30 to 40 minutes announcer: turning now and again to prevent the hash from sticking announcer: As it cooks remove that excess fat from that announcer: and with the spoon....

Kill him! Up there, kill him.

You kill him....aargh! announcer:...it's the third of Sept, 261....

Kill him....aaaah announcer: Number 2601...

Let's get on with. Jack?

Of the 35 proposed recipients, 10 have been serviced.

We need another donor of course.

Let's run...I have to kill him, Vic.

Put the third program back in effect.

Scratch the boy’s name. Concentrate on the rest of the list.

Whichever one we pick...Make sure we have better security. announcer: then place a large round platter over the skillets and gripping platter and skillets firmly together...

Stop him, Vic, stop him.

announcer: if any of the hash...lift it up...

Ooh, we got to keep him in check.

Now I've been talking about the meaning of this, and announcer: and serve poached eggs if desired.

Come on, come on come on.

Hurry announcer: one cup diced cooked vegetables Let's get another Michael out of the warehouse.

This time, make sure the department wipes that smile off his face. announcer: 4 tablespoons of finely chopped parsley announcer: one cup of heavy cream, salt announcer: and freshly ground, black, pepper.




You kept me down there too long.

Come on with me, let's go.

Over The Hill, that's where he went, and we need him.

Well, let's catch up with him.

I don't know where it is.

If Blood knows, why didn't he tell you?

Dog: Vic!


Dog: Vic!



Dog: Hello, partner.

Blood, we made it back.

Dog: Who's your new tailor, Albert?

How long has it been since you ate?

Dog: Grabbed a lizard yesterday, uh Dog: Maybe it was the day before. I can't seem to remember...

Well, we got to leg it into town and get you something to eat fast.

Dog: No, Fellini's taken everything over.

Dog: Slaughtered every solo who wouldn't join him.

Dog: Whole town's under their control Dog: Can't get any food there Dog: You can't even go back at all.

Okay, just take it easy.

Dog: I can't take it any other way.

Dog: I'm almost gone...

Dog: Better just leave and find some place where you can stay alive.

Heh, how about Over The Hill, Tiger?

Dog: Hmm, I can't make it the way I am now.

Dog: But you might be able to.

He needs food and he needs medicine.

We've got to get it fast.

'Cuz we can't make it without him.

We're too late, darling.

There's nothing we can do about it now.

Vic, we've got to get out of here.

We're going to be together.

You want us to be together.

Now, I love you.

If you love me, you'll come on, too.

Dog: You haven't eaten a bite.

I'm not hungry.

Dog: Um, I really appreciate this.

Dog: Well, let's press on.

Dog: Now, where were you?

Dog: Oh yeah in the hospital.

Oh Blood, come on.

Dog: You know if they just let you have your way with the blushing bride Dog: Instead of hooking you up to the machine Dog: You'd probably never come back up.

[Blood laughs}

You sure you had enough to eat?

Dog: Oh yes Dog: I'm satiated.


Dog: Nothing, I said I'm full Dog: But after we walk all day, you'll probably have to cook up what's left.

She said she loved me.

Oh hell, it wasn't my fault she picked me to get all wet-brained over.

Dog: Well I'd say she had marvelous judgment, Albert Dog: If not particularly good taste

Dog: particularly good....

A boy and his dog go walking

A boy and his dog sometimes talk to each other.

A boy and a dog can be happy sitting down in the woods on a log but a dog knows his boy can go wrong.

A boy and his dog can go fishing

A boy can teach a dog to bring a dish in when he's hungry.

A boy and his dog can be happy sitting out in the woods on a log but a dog knows his boy can go wrong.

"Do you know what love is?"

"A boy loves his dog"