A Life Less Ordinary (1997) Script

So, here's the deal. We are in the garden, right?

Everything is great, and there's this tree.

And the man says, "Don't eat the fruit of that tree. Don't eat that apple. "

So, he goes inside, names some animals. Maybe takes a dump.

Anyway, what does she do? What does she do?

She eats the apple!

I can't believe it ./ He says don't eat it, she eats it!

Unbelievable / Since then, men, women, it's all gone wrong.

Perfect Love.

Happy? Sure I'm happy.

Yeah, we're all so happy.


Miserable marriage.

Wedding canceled.


Divorced again.

Ah! Irreconcilable sexual disharmony!

Dysfunctional marriage!


Divorce... divorce, divorce, divorce, divorce!

Well? Talk to me!

We had a bad run.

Things have changed down there. Men and women aren't the same.

Well, things are changing up here as well.

I'm getting pressure from above, for results.

For men and women to be bonded in eternal bliss.

I'm instructed to introduce new incentive schemes for our... leading operatives.

Leading operatives, huh?

That's you.

Skip the flattery, Gabriel.

Where's the beef?

It's a hard case to crack.

But I have full confidence you can do it.

If you don't... you don't come back.


No way!

That's the new incentive scheme.

Your mission is to unite man and woman, blah, blah, blah, blah.


When you're done... you come back.

If you fail

you stay down there forever.

You are not serious!

Liberatum... man's. Es outta my hands.

She's the secret daughter of Marilyn Monroe and John F Kennedy.

That's why Marilyn was murdered.

The young girl grows up in an orphanage, unaware of her incredible parentage.

Years go by. She's beautiful.

She's smart. She's successful, okay?

Then what?

Well, then...

Then she gets sent to London as US Ambassador.

Where she discovers who she is and also the Nazi gold hidden under the embassy.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

It's kinda obvious, Robert.

Of course it is, guys. It's a trash novel! You buy it in the airport, take it on holiday.

Ms Gesteten. Nice to see you down here.

I'd love to stay and talk, but...

Nice trick, Celine.

Wanna try your luck?

With the gun?

With the fruit.

I don't have time for games.

If you're afraid, just say so.

Celine... last night we discussed a certain proposal.

And I said no. Because you cheat, Elliot.

Okay. So, I'm flirtatious.

It's in my nature. But I want you to think again.

Do you know how hard it is for a woman to find a good husband in this town?

Let alone a good dentist.


I'm serious.


You're trying to tell us we'll be replaced by robots?

Robots are gonna clean the dust out of every office in this building?

I think not, Ms Gesteten!

At least the robot won't spend its time writing a trash novel.

Not even a very good trash novel, as I understand it.

Oh, this is personal.

It's nothing to do with me, Robert.

This comes right from the top. From Mr Naville.

Perhaps I should speak to this Mr Naville. It's too late.

You're fired!

Are you ready?


Now, if you move... the offer's canceled.

Okay. Mm-hm.

Wait. Celine...

Don't speak. Is this wise?

Puts me off.

Stop 1

Would you call a doctor?

It would be a pleasure, madam.

Why are you here at this time of day?

Hi, Lily. Well? Answer me.

Lily, I got fired.

They replaced me with a robot!

I know how they feel.


Look... I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now and it seems like as good a time as any.

Robert, I'm leaving you.

You're leaving...? What are you talking about?

His name is Ryan. He teaches aerobics.

We're in love. We're movin' to Miami.

How can you do this? At a time like this? I want a man, not a dreamer.

I don't know what to say. Let's talk about this. I'll get another job.


But as of tonight, you're goin' home alone.


I'm leaving you.

You're fired!

It's kinda obvious, Robert.

He teaches aerobics. We're in love.

We're movin' to Miami.



Mr Robert Lewis?

Yeah, that's me.

My name is Jackson.

This is my associate, Ms O'Reilly.

We're from the Firm But Fair Eviction and Collection Agency.

I have some items to collect under federal and state law in lieu of unpaid debts.

We are also contracted to serve you a notice of eviction from these premises.

I beg your pardon?

We can do this with violence or without. It's up to you.

The client pays our medical bills but not yours... Well?

Oh, without, please.

Good choice.

I cannot believe this!

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a good husband in this town?

Or a good dentist, come to that.

Playing this sort of game, you have disgraced yourself once again.

Well, you caught his frontal lobe, so apparently he'll live.

But he'll never practice orthodontics again.

My main fear in all this is that you'll end up like your mother, who long ago found her natural level in society, scuttling along the bottom.

Her biggest problem was marrying a man like you.

A mistake I've taken great care to avoid.

You are gonna go to work, my girl.


You've spent a quarter of a century watching the tide go in and out but from tomorrow you are gonna work.

Here, under my supervision. You'll learn the essence of business.

About money, and how it flows relentlessly back towards he who owns it.

How to generate a profit from loss, a loss from profit. You will work!

This may not be very palatable, it may make you want to vomit.

But be assured, you will get used to the taste.

And pretty soon, you'll be spooning it down and asking for more like all the other kids.

Eleven... Mr Naville, I presume.

You think you can replace me with a robot?


Eleven... Well, get this!





Nobody fucking move!

Everyone on the floor!







Now I want my job back!

I want what I had before, Mr Naville! I'll count to five.

If you don't oblige me, I'll kill you.


Two, 1 Three!



Why did you say that? Five comes directly after four.

I know that!

I thought you had a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Without a proper education... Shut up!

I was just trying to help. I don't need any help!

You'll die for this, I swear to God! I'm sorry!

No! Shoot him again. In the head.

I'll count to five. Shut up!

Who are you, anyway?

Nobody 1 I'm his daughter.

He's got a gun.

Hey, cool it.

Take it easy. Chill out.


Will you just drive? I can't.

What? I don't know how.

You don't know how to drive??

I never learned. Why not?

I didn't need to. Well, you do now!

This is faster, that slower. Forwards, backwards. The rest you'll pick up.


Where are we going? Never mind.

Drive more carefully. He cut in on me.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

You say nothing, okay?

Afternoon, ma'am.

Afternoon, sir. I'm Walt.

I'm here to help in any way I can during your visit to us.

Whether it's purely to refuel or to use our extensive facilities.

Is this a gas station, Walt? It sure is, sir.

Then fill it up with gas and cut the crap!

The guy was just doin' his job.

You know, he was just... trying to be helpful.

You're in a lot of trouble, you know.

My father's gonna have you killed.

You realise that?

Tortured first, naturally.

Then he's gonna have you killed.

And what if I let you go?

I dunno, what do you think?

Think he'll just forgive you?

Wait a minute. Why would I ask him to forgive me?

Your father treated me like a piece of shit!

Like I was nobody.

Just because I was a cleaner, like I was disposable.


That's the tank full, sir.

Thank you, Walt.

That's for you, Walt.

You're a man, Walt.

Not a slave, not a machine.

Don't let anyone ever treat you otherwise.

Go on.

It's empty-

Now let's get this clear.

I won't hurt you, but I am the kidnapper and you are...

The victim.

That's just how it is.

It's okay, I've been through this before.

Kidnapped before? Yeah, I was 12.

God, that's terrible. It was a long time ago.

So... how am I doing?

In the kidnap? Yeah.

So far, you're not doin' too bad.

Thank you.

I'm tying you up, so you can't escape in the night.

I know that.

Because, of course, you would. Are you gonna try to have sex with me?


Isn't that why I'm here?

No, it's not!

It didn't even cross your mind? No!

Well... No!

Do you have a problem with sex? No!

Just frightened of it? No!

Nervous, then? I'm not nervous.

Calm down.

I am calm, I'm just explaining that there's no sexual motives for my actions.

Glad we got that cleared up.

So what did they do next?

Put a needle in my arm, took a pint of blood and sent it to my father.

The next week they did the same till he paid up.

He waited six weeks.

That's what happens to the victim.

H'- Round are way the sun shines bright

♪ Round are way the birds sing for ya

♪ 'Cause they already know ya... ♪

Enjoying the book?


What's it about?

It's a romance. This girl meets this guy.

They fall in love.

It's bullshit.

I'm writing a novel myself.

I'm not interested.

In you or your novel or any other pathetic ambition you have to change your sad life.

Do you want some exercise? No.

You can't say no. I want to read my book.

You said it was bullshit. I'm enjoying it.

You said you weren't! Can't a girl change her mind?

"She heard his breathing become shallow

"and a flicker of a smile chased across her lips

"as she meditated on the power she now held over him.

'74 re you sure you wanna catch that flight? j she asked. ” Think they're in love yer???


If they are in love, we could go home.

I hate it down here.

I hate the air, I hate the food. I hate the plumbing.

"She pulled him closer, deeper, unable to stop."

I ache... all over. "This indeed was perfect love."

I sweat in the heat and ache in the cold.

Why can't we stay some place decent?

Budget doesn't cover that.


Why not?

You know those mysterious ways you keep hearing about, Jackson?

This is one of them.

"..She let her hand drift down towards the bulge of his passion."

I remember the good old days.

'She heard his breathing become shallow. All you had to do was introduce a man and a woman.

Nature did the rest.

- 'She gasped with surprise and delight,” Ah, fuck!

Doesn't work like that any more.

"While a frisson of delight erupted between her thighs

"as she sensed the firm pressure" Men and women.

It's all gone to shit. Sure has!

"In the hidden recess of her pelvis.

"Their bodies fused into one writhing mass of torrid, sexual... "

Aren't you hungry?

I don't eat red meat.

You could eat the vegetables.

They're on the same plate.


I'm not gonna eat this.

Do you eat fish?

And poultry?


But not red meat? No.

Or eggs, unless they're free-range.

Why didn't you say you don't like meat? You didn't ask!

And I do like meat. I just don't eat it. Moral reasons, if you must know.

If you'd taken the time to enquire... Why are you such a pain?

You tied me to a chair! Because I'm the victim and you're the kidnapper, apparently.

Meaning exactly what?

Kidnap for beginners - chapter one. Have you even asked for a ransom yet?

Don't say a word until I tell you.

Hello, Mr Naville? It's me.

Now, I want my...

Me. The kidnapper!

Right. Now what I wa...

It's not like that!

That's unfair, now. I would ne...

What are you doing?

No... what are you doing? I'm negotiating with your father.

Did you get very far? He kept interrupting.

Right. Wouldn't let me finish.

Remember what they didn't teach you at Harvard Business School.

I didn't go to Harvard Business School!

It's a figure of speech, Robert.



Negotiation is a weakness.

You are the kidnapper. You demand and he complies.

You go in hard and you go in fast.

- Hard and fast. Right.

I'm you. You grasp that?

Pretend it's ringing and psyche yourself up.

Go to your dark side.

Okay. He answers.

All right, motherfucker! I've got your daughter here and I'll send her back in pieces if I don't get what I want!

I'll pull her fingers out with pliers and fry them for breakfast! Understand?

And so on and so on like that, okay? For no longer than 30 seconds.


Hello there, Mr Naville? Now...

Right, arsehole, I've got your daughter and I'll cut her up and post her to you in boxes!

Small boxes!

Right, daughter, I've got your arsehole and I'm gonna send her...


No, I need to speak to him.

Hello? Yeah, I can hold.

Listen, arsehole, I'll send your daughter back in pieces...

Oh, I'm sorry, madam. I must have dialed the wrong number.

I haven't got your daughter here. I have someone else's.

No, we're not married.

I've read the same thing. It's very hard to find suitable young men these days.

I'm sure your daughter's very nice. I've no objections to meeting her.

What is the problem?

I think you should just send a letter.

Done this kind of work before??

We do it all. Eviction and debt collection. But personal retrieval, bounty hunting...

You name it, we do it. How much?

Our fee for the recovery of your daughter is one hundred thousand dollars. That's a lot of money.

5,000 advance. The rest is cash on delivery - no daughter, no dough.

If we only bring back part of your daughter we only get part of the money.

That's enough.

If he's cut her ears off, we knock a couple of thousand off the tariff.

More for a limb, obviously. Jackson !


Mr Naville...

There's no need to worry. My partner's envisaging a worst-case scenario.

And the kidnapper?

You want him, too?

That's extra.

What if he's in the way?

We'll deal with that if it arises.

What if I want him in the way?

Let us speak plainly, Mr Naville.

You want we should kill him?

Yes 1 Uh...

Sir, I must say... No-one's asking you, Mayhew!

Very good, sir.

We are not gonna kill anyone!

If we don't get this job, someone else will.

Two hundred thousand dollars.

Including expenses? Including all expenses.

Except medical costs, for which you accept full and unlimited responsibility.

Only during the contract.


It's a deal.

Good afternoon. Hi.

I'm Tod Johnson.

I live up the hill. That's nice.

I see most things from up there.

Saw you arrive.

Big car...

Middle of the night.


Wondered... "Who's that '?"

A perfectly natural question.

So I asked Felix. Felix?

Felix is my friend. Hasn't been the same since the war.

Of course.

I asked him. I said, "Felix, tell me, are they good or evil '2"

"One bark for good, two for evil." Felix is a dog?

Do you think I would talk to a dog?

That I would ask a dog whether or not you're good or evil?

What do you think I am?

Some kind of a crazy, backwoods lunatic with a barn full of human skulls and a sharpened scythe ready for Armageddon?

No. I'm sure you're just a regular guy. Right, I am regular. A regular man.

I want...

That's not the point. The point is, who are you?

Who are you?

Well, uh... I'm...

We're newlyweds.

Are you coming back to bed soon, darling?

This is Mr Johnson, dear.


Pleased to meet you, ma'am. You can call me Lucille.

It's my pleasure, Lucille.

Are you from the newspapers??

No. I live up the hill.

Oh, good!

Don't tell the newspapers we're here. They won't leave Ritchie alone.


Don't you recognise Ritchie??

Ritchie Vanderlow?

Six gold albums, three platinum.

14 consecutive top-ten singles.

Largest-selling artist worldwide for the last 12 months.

Ritchie Vanderlow!

You have to understand, ma'am, I watch mainly the biblical channels.

It's okay.

We were married in secret. A castle in Scotland. That's in England.

Near Paris?



It was so romantic.

We had our honeymoon there but it wasn't long enough, so we came here for... privacy.

Um, I see.

Would you like to come in, Mr Johnson?

No. I'd better be on my way. I have to feed Felix.


Well... it was a pleasure to meet you, Mr Johnson.

See you around.

I'll catch you later then, Mr Johnson.

Take care, Ritchie.



The ransom note.

Anonymous? Yeah.

Robert, my father knows who you are.

Oh, I never thought of that.

You're the worst kidnapper ever! Is that all I am to you?

The latest kidnapper! A lifestyle accessory. If it doesn't work, it doesn't matter because you can always get another one. Don't be so melodramatic.

I'm trying my best here under really difficult circumstances!

It's not made any easier by you criticizing everything I do!

How much are you asking for? Half a million.

Dollars?! Yes.

US dollars? Problem?

Half a million dollars is not much money for a woman like me!

I didn't mean it as a reflection of you.

If word got out that I was liberated for half a million dollars, I could never show my face in polite society again.

Diamonds have only the value which is placed upon them.

It's more complicated than I thought! Okay, don't worry!

All right, you...

You're trying hard. You're keen to learn. That's important.

Let's not forget the fact that we have the chance to make millions of dollars here.


Yes, Robert.

You and me.

Is that not a little irregular?

Yes. It is.


Please, Dad, give him the money! He's gonna kill me, Daddy! Please!

Please, put it in the trunk of the car, two miles south of Palmer. Please, Daddy!

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay-

Nice shooting.



No problem.

Exactly as you predicted.

"Quick - drive my car."

Here's 40 dollars.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you know he'd react like that?

It's our job to know.

You've done this before?

Let's go!

You can take the car. But remember... it's stolen.

They weren't trying to kill you. They were trying to confuse and scare you.

Before they killed me.

I lost the car and didn't get any money. Don't expect to get it right first time.

You're going to be fine.

You are going to be a success!

Do you think so?

You didn't get caught, right?


No, I didn't get caught.

I fooled them. I got away.

Maybe we should go out.

Out where?

For a drink.

What, like on a date?

Yeah. Like a date.

I wouldn't call it a bad relationship. No, Lily and I, we just...

You know, we just grew apart as people.

There's no bitterness on either side.

She left you.

No, no, no, no. No!

Yes. She left me.

Mm. The aerobics instructor.

How did you know that? You have the demeanor of such a man.

I do? Yeah.

But be honest - it was inevitable.

You two weren't suited. You dream of something better, she wants it now. Hence the gymnast. Am I right?

Well, yeah. It's a common scenario.

Can I tell you about this dream I keep having? I think you're in it.

I'm in your dream?

Now I feel violated.

It's not like that! I don't wanna hear it.

Perhaps I could tell you about my novel.

I'm not interested.

It's 1962, right, and Marilyn Monroe is giving birth to a baby girl.

She's on the phone to Jack Kennedy saying, "Jack, it's yours!"

Then the orphan grows up and solves some great mystery?

It's kind of obvious, Robert.

Let's play a game.

If I Win

I go free.

You are free. The kidnap's over.

I'm no more a kidnapper, than I'm Ritchie Vanderlow.

Indulge me, Robert.

Well, if that's what you want. It's all I ever want.


♪ She's leaving now 'cause I just heard the slammin' of the door

♪ The way I know I've heard it slam a hundred times before

♪ If I could move...

You're free!

That's right!

Aren't you gonna leave?

We haven't got our money yet.

♪ Don't take your love to town

♪ Oh, Ruby, ♪ for God's sake, turn around! ♪ Big hand! Big hand!

Big hand for local boy, Scottie Sherman!

We are privileged to have here tonight a very special guest who is a close personal friend of mine.

I'm gonna ask him to come up here and sing a song.

He is the best-selling artist in the world with 12 gold albums, 16 platinum albums, and 32 number one hit singles!

Mr... Ritchie... Vanderlow!

Rr-ruf! Ruf! Ruf!

Thank you very much.

My name is, er, Rob... Ritchie Vanderlow.

And um...

I'd like to sing this song for my beautiful wife, em, Lucille.


Oh, and this is a very special song for us.

♪ Somewhere

♪ Beyond the sea

♪ Somewhere... waiting for me

♪ My lover stands on golden sands

♪ And watches the ships

♪ That go sailing

♪ Somewhere

♪ Beyond the sea, she's there watching for me

♪ And if I could fly like birds on high

♪ Then straight to her arms

♪ I'd go sailing

♪ It's far

♪ Beyond the star

♪ It's near beyond the moon

♪ I know

♪ Beyond a doubt

♪ My heart will lead me there soon

♪ We'll meet

♪ Beyond the shore

♪ We'll kiss... just like before

♪ And happy we'll be, beyond the sea

♪ And never again

♪ I'll go sailing

♪ I know

♪ Beyond a doubt

♪ My heart will lead me there soon

♪ We'll meet... ♪

Touches my heart to see two young people in love.

Oh, my God! What happened?

You were great.

I was?

I remember drinking tequila.

Certainly was a feature of the evening.

Then I had an incredible dream.

This dream, I've had it before.

You're definitely in it now. I don't wanna hear it.

We were on this game show called "Perfect Love".

Never heard of it. It's just a dream.

The fact it's a game show has no relevance, it merely indicates my cultural origins.

Were I a tribesman in the Kalahari, the location would have been different.

But I think the theme is universal.

We were on this game show called "Perfect Love".

My... my life was in danger.

Are you ready?

Am I ready for what?

To write a letter.

Perhaps you'd like to keep this.

We had it analyzed. It's his handwriting and her blood.

Without our help, that could be the last you see of your daughter.

He wants to make it a straight switch, with no delay.

I want her back.

We'll get her.

I want him dead.

That's understood, Mr Naville. Good.

And when this is over I want this back.

Bradley was nice, you know? Extremely wealthy.

Honourable, amusing...


Well... 87 years old.

Pity! Yeah.

Then there was Jake. He was nice.

Very rich. Just... so conventional.

You see? Rich guys - conventional. It's a problem.

Then there was Angelo.

25 years old.

Handsome, healthy, exciting.

Sophisticated, considerate...


Well, I think that we just sort of, um... grew apart as people.

The aerobics instructor!

Like I said it's a common scenario.

So who was next??

Well, then I got problems with my teeth.

With your teeth?

Yeah. My teeth.

You want a ride??

Thanks for stopping, guys. We're not stealing it, we're just borrowing it.

- I had that dream again. What dream?

About the game show called "Perfect Love".

Fascinating My life was in danger.

On a game show?

I know, it's hard to explain. Strange things happened.

Mm. So it would appear. But my life was in danger and you saved it.

My heart was beating so fast and then it stopped.

And I was just about to die and you saved it. You saved my life.

What are we waiting for??

You wanna get on with this or not?


Send the girl over.

First the money. That was the deal.

Are you okay, Miss Naville?

Yes, I'm okay.

I'm just a little frightened.

Don't you worry, miss.

Everything'll be all right.

Well? It's here.

Okay 7 Send the girl over.

Go on.

Oh, damn!


Get down, get down!

Yes 1

Ah, ha!

Don't move a fucking muscle.

What took ya?

He shot up the car!

You shot up our car?

Now what did you do that for?

I was trying to make a getaway.

You were trying to make a getaway?

How is she?

I don't know.

But I don't think it's worked.

They're not... you know?

Jeopardy, Jackson.

Always works.


This is far enough.

Are you gonna kill me?


Well, then I don't see why I should dig.

If you dig I promise you when the time comes I'll shoot you through the head.

You don't like that?

I can shoot your testicles right now. You can bleed to death. I'll dig the grave.

Can you cut me free?


It's sore.

What's he gonna do with him?

Shoot him in the back of the head.


Would that be a problem for ya?

Have you ever felt like you're not in control of events?

Yes 1

No, I mean something is destined to happen. And it doesn't.

Like what happens when the forces of destiny are no longer in control?

I don't know!

The truth is I don't think even He knows what's going on down here.

The chaos, this hatred, this violence.


Who are you talking about?

"Jeopardy, Jackson. Always works."


What are they doin' in there?

Should've shot him myself. You can't trust them to do anything.

I take it you're not in a love situation.


I mean, you're not in love.

What's it to you?


Just asking.

That's okay. You can stop now.


I've waited long enough.

No. Give me that.

Lie down.

No, no!

Now give it to me. No! No! No! Please!


I commit you to His mercy. Please! Please!

Robert, get "P!

Get UP!

Robert, get "P!

Who are they? Come on!


For a minute, I thought we were in trouble.

I said, don't get caught. Stay in the car.

Don't go in the woods with a stranger. You're right.

I'm always right. Remember that.

You got the money?

No! Jesus! Shit!

Give it to me! Give it to me!


- Oh, shit! Where is she?

Oh, Shit!









What? I'm authorized to destroy a bad card.

It's my card, lady. Is there a problem?

Sorry about this, ma'am.

Don't worry, I've got some cash. 30 dollars, sir.

Thank you.

How could he do a thing like that? Stay calm, okay.

My own father canceled my credit card!

I've never been so humiliated in all my life!

I know how you feel. Only the exceptionally rich can know.

Don't take it personally. He wants me to find my own natural level.

Sink to the bottom like her.

Like who?

Who are you talking about?

Pull over.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no! Live a little.

This is insane! Stop worrying. It'll be my first time, too.

That's why I'm worrying.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.


I'd like to make a withdrawal.

I thought we agreed, no clichés.

Fill the bag.

She's got a gun!

Leave her alone.

Please! Nothing's gonna happen.

She's not gonna kill her.

Yes, I am. What?

Shut up!

Christ, no!

Calm down or her brains go all over the wall.

Fill the bag. Celine!

You shut up most of all!

You can't point a gun at a girl's head! What?

It wasn't difficult for you. That was different.

Didn't feel any different to me. It felt just like this.

Now do you understand how it felt, Robert?

But you lacked the balls to pull the trigger.

Oh, no!

Goodbye, Robert!

Okay, kill me but don't touch the girl!

Extremely amusing Robert, you should be on TV!

Very funny. What's wrong?

You crazy bitch! I thought you were gonna shoot me!

I wouldn't do a thing like that. Oh, no?

I'm having a great time! Oh, good Certainly is!

What's wrong?

Celine, it's over.

I'm dying, Celine.

I'm dying, I don't wanna die.

You're not gonna die!

I don't want to die!

Are you taking me to a hospital? I don't want to die there.

I'm not taking you to a hospital.


What do you mean? I demand to be taken to a hospital. Where are you taking me?

Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

You could have a perfect smile.

For $2,000, you could change your life. No, thanks.

Do you think a perfect smile just happens? Is that what you think?

Do you think Celine's smile is her own? No, it's not.

It's mine. I gave it to her. Just like I can give you one.

$12,000, I'll fix them. I didn't get shot in the teeth.

Well, let me tell you.

Wouldn't have made much difference if you had!

It's your teeth but if you wait another year, you're looking at $50,000.

If you wait another year, he'll be dead.

Sorry. Just a little free consultation.

You know, they wanted me to take a break. Take a break!

Get counseling!

Fuck 'em! They wanted me in hospital. I discharged myself this afternoon.

Lucky for you I did.

Okay... Have you done this before?

The principles of surgery are the same above and below the neck.

I need an anaesthetic.

You'll pass out as the pain worsens.

Get it on, baby!

Here we go, baby!

Give it to me!

You look lovely. Thank you.

Give me the Bambi.

Give me the Bambi, baby! That's it.

Okay, turn over.

What? Turn over, darling.

Turn over.

Flash me the tush.

One heel.



How are you? Come on.

Join the party. Come on.

Do you want some champagne? How rude of me. Excuse me.

Oh, wait.

Here you go.

Here. Look at that.

I understand that you're, uh...

Here. Please.

I understand you're something of a fugitive, Robert.

Don't be shocked. We go back a long way.

Oh, I see, you're her dentist. Yeah. That's right.

We met over that particularly fine set of ivories.

In fact, I gave her her first filling.


You fuck!

I wish you hadn't done that.

Now I have to hurt you.

Which is inconvenient and undignified.


Get UP!

Leave him alone, Elliot. You stay outta this.

You all right?

D'you wanna explain what you were trying to achieve back there?

How about you explaining to me? You were bleeding. I think I saved your life.

I'd rather have died than witnessed that. Witnessed what?

You and Elliot in advanced foreplay. He'd have passed out drunk in 5 minutes if you hadn't come along. Sure.

Even if we were about to get physical, which we weren't, what's it to you anyway?


You thought we had something?

It's possible. But why?

Why do we have to have something? We were just fine.

Having something ruins everything!

What are you gonna do now, ask me to marry you?

Course I'm not.

You thought about it. Don't be absurd.

Never even occurred to you? It wouldn't be so bad!

See what I mean? Forget it.

Consider it forgotten.

Where do you wanna go?

Don't care.

D'you wanna get out the car?

You asking me to? I'm asking if you wanna get out.

Same thing. No, one's a request, one's a question.

If that's what you want, I'll get out. No, if you want, I won't stop you.

Don't ask where I'm going! Don't imagine I care!

Exactly the problem!


Stop hovering over me. I can't concentrate.

Have you written anything yet?

I... I...

What am I supposed to write?

Love letters deal with the subject of love. I need time to think.

We don't have time.

Every day they spend apart, the more difficult it's going to be.

And if Naville finds our boy, he's just meat.

So think, Jackson.

Have you ever done this before?

Back when I was alive there was a girl.

You wrote to some girl?

A long time ago.

You never told me about this. It never came to nothing, O'Reilly.

Her father did not approve our match.

It was just young love. But I wrote many times.

With passion.

And despair.

I never knew you had a romantic soul.

I often wonder what became of that girl.

Sweet... Eliza.

Eliza... Gray.

Her father was a colonel.

Jackson, you're qualified.

You can write this letter.

That's the problem, see, I...

I wrote to her, sure. But I... didn't write letters. What then?

As a matter of fact I... wrote love poems.

Remember, my dear, they only want one thing.

Maybe they want it more than once, but it's still only one thing.

I wish you'd let me read that poem.

A poem is a very personal document.

Well, I hope it was a good one.

That's all I'm saying.

'Cause if she don't like it, she won't come. If she don't come, we're stuck!

It's her!

I got your poem.


The poem you wrote me??


"O desert me, wretched loneliness

"And bring me back my love

"For she and I have parted

"And the sky is up above."

It worked!

She loves it!


"Your limbs so svelte and slender

"Your touch so soft and tender

"But the bits that I like best are the bits that..."

I won't read that line.

Jackson, what the hell did you write?

It was a... Yeah?

A simple poetic reference to her... Oh!

Oh! Celine.

Please. Last verse.

"Just as the flowers blossom in the gaze of the shining sun

"I would be most honoured

"if you would bear my son."

Robert, no-one has ever written me a poem before.

All those guys I dated, they didn't care about me.

They just wanted to own this.

I would never open my heart to any of those guys.

Before I met you I never believed that there was any alternative.

Oh, I knew it!

But when you stopped that bullet and got the wrong idea about Elliot...

I knew it!

I should have understood.

Celine. Please, let me finish. It's hard to say.

- But I feel I can trust you. I didn't write the poem.


I've never written a poem in my life.

How can anybody be that honest. Tell him it's his handwriting.

It's your handwriting. It has this address. There's cheap aftershave on the paper.

I didn't write the poem, okay!

Oh, my God!

Celine, don't...

Human fucking beings!

What do you have to do??

We did everything for them!

We brought 'em together, put 'em in jeopardy. Damn near killed 'em both!

We gave 'em every opportunity. All they had to do was fall in love! And we could've gone home!

Maybe we failed, Jackson.

But we don't have to live like this.

Is she gone?


Nice-looking woman.

She isn't my type-

What are you talking about?

Look at yourself. You're nobody.

You're nothing.

You're wanted in connection with a violent crime.

You're cleaning the floor of a diner.

But she is an intelligent, passionate, beautiful, rich woman.

The issue of whether or not she's your type is not one you're likely to have to resolve in this world.

Or the next since she will be going to some heaven for glamorous pussy.

And you will be cleaning the floor of a diner in hell.

I guess so.

So why are you even thinking about it?

I don't know.


Finish the floor.

What the...?

You ruined my beautiful poem!

Your father's not home yet.

He won't pay our ransom straight off. Not till we send a few of your fingers.


I'm gonna stick right there. Yeah?

How about you?

You want a hit?




Uh, huh?

Mmf. Hit?

J “m! Again?


Miss Naville, you got a five-card trick.

You could stick right there, you got $4,000.

Mm! But you want another hit?

Okay, it's up to you.

What is that?

Answer it, Jackson.

I can't do that.

She might cheat while I'm out of the room.

All right.

I'll answer the door.

You play blackjack with the hostage.

Sure you wanna increase your bet before you take another hit?

No! Stick!



And Mm-mm!




Just as well we're not playing for real.

Come on!

All right, now cut her free.


What the hell d'you do to her?

I punched her in the face. You punched her in the face!

She's half your size!

She had a gun!

That makes everything all right, does it?

I'm not saying that.

But for all I knew, she could've been a karate expert or something!

With a broken arm? A broken arm!

Okay, I'm sorry.

Now just cut her free!

You son of a bitch!


What do you want?

I'm just trying to explain.

Despite your crummy poem, I came to see you.

All you could do was humiliate me and tum me away.

I thought you were decent, different, but you're not.

You're a lying, cheating son of a bitch, just like all the rest!

Celine! I never meant to hurt you!

I don't know who wrote that poem, but they are my feelings.

Oh, sure Not so easy now, huh? Celine!

Celine! Celine!

When you left the diner, I realised that I'd turned away the woman who I'd spent the happiest, most exciting time of my life with.

Who I care for more than anyone on earth!

Listen! Listen!


Remember, I had a dream?

I dreamt my life was in danger. That my heart stopped.

But you saved my life, by piercing my heart with an arrow.

An arrow of your love.

And that's the truth!

Celine, what I'm saying is that I love you!

Wha... what did you say??

I said... What I was trying to say...

Oh, shit!


Who is that?

Don't worry, Miss Celine. Everything will be just fine.

We're not just gonna leave them here, are we?

No, sir!

I'm innocent.

Come in!

I don't think they're coming back.

Isn't there anything you can do?

I don't have the authority to intervene.

I don't have the authority to intervene!

Somebody let me out of this trunk!

Robert, he's gonna kill you! Just run, Robert.

He doesn't want the money. He's gonna kill you.

Just run, Robert, run!

It's probably in the canoe, that's probably where it is.

It's not in the canoe, sir.

But I think it's, upstairs! I would've put it up there.

We probably left it under the bed. That'd be a good place.

Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.

I don't think he has it, Mr Naville.


That's it, that's where it is!

That's where it was. I put it under that board.

I'll have your money back in a minute, sir.

Just get this board up and then we'll get it back to you.

We'll just have to face the truth, Robert. You don't have my money!

It's down here all right, Mr Naville, sir. Just where I left it.

Frankly, I don't care. It's just a detail.

You'll have your money back in a second, sir.

As long as you understand it isn't the money, it's the principle!

Somebody, please, just let me outta here I

Mayhew, not with the axe.

This is Gabriel. Get me God.

Right you... Come on, come on!

So, Robert, what happened was you shot them and then you sh...

Did... he just move then?

No, sir.

But, sir, how could anything be beyond your control?

Well, anyway, you shot... them, and then you shot... You sh...

Sure he didn't move?

I'm quite sure, sir.

Yes, sir.

No, sir.



Yeah. Quite.

Yeah, right.

Mayhew, she's moved!

She's moved!

I saw it with my own eyes!

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

They are both dead, sir. I shot them myself!

I won't disturb you again.


Who is that??


You shot them... and then yourself.

And then... you set fire to this cabin, didn't you?

Not yet, he didn't.


Why don't you just put that gun down?

Do not get in my way, Father.


You're not responsible for your actions. You're unhinged.

You need the best psychiatric treatment that money can buy.

Just like your mother.

So, just...

Why don't you just give me the gun?

Because as he dreamt I shall save his life with an arrow.

An arrow of my love for him.

Kill him, Mayhew!


He's alive, Mayhew.

They're all alive.

You're telling me that successful relationships are made in heaven?

Not founded on the daily practicality of two people being prepared to tolerate the imperfections of one another?

It's not 'successful relationships', Celine. It's love.

It comes from a strange and wonderful place that we don't know about.

So, you also reject the idea that love is an emotional adaptation to a physical necessity.

Completely. Are you serious?

Fate intervenes in people's lives.

In ours, for instance? Fate brought us together, kept us together.

We were destined for one another.

Fate had a pretty strange way of making it's point.

That's part of the beauty of it.

It's inexplicable, unpredictable and absolutely beyond control or understanding.

But you nearly got killed! But I didn't!

And here we are.

Do you have any substantial evidence to back all of this?

None at all. And you realise it's absurd and irrational?

I know that.

Then why do you believe it?

Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.

Well, I guess that makes two of us.

Are you ready?

As I'll ever be.

Then let's go.

All clear!

So... how was it?

Believe me, Gabriel, you don't wanna know.

But it worked! Yeah.

Love worked.

Amoratus pathum laborium!

Are we gain' home now?

We're gain' home.

At last!