A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (1982) Script

Ghosts? Little spirits or pixies?

I don't believe in 'em.

Do you, Mr. Foxx?

No, sir.

You sound it, with all your metaphysical gibberish.

Well, I didn't mean ghosts as spirits, Professor.

Nothing is real but experience, that which can be touched, tasted, felt or, in some scientific fashion, proved.

We must never substitute qualitative events that are marked by similar properties and recurrences for fixed substances.

Mr. Snell, since these are the last few moments before the summer vacation, I would appreciate it if you could remain awake until the final bell.

I'm sorry, sir.

I take it you rule out metaphysics as unworthy of serious consideration.

As I stated quite clearly in my latest paper, metaphysical philosophers are simply men who are too weak to accept the world as it is.

Their theories of the so-called mysteries of life are nothing more than projections of their own inner uneasiness.

Apart from this world, there are no realities.

But that leaves many basic human needs unanswered.

I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos. I merely explain it.

Leopold! Congratulations! Ah!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Do you have a photo of the lucky woman? Of course.

The wedding is tomorrow?

The day after tomorrow. Sunday.

We're motoring to my cousin's home for a simple country ceremony.

She's magnificent!

She'll be the final jewel in your crown.

Is it boorish of me to ask you to inscribe your books?

Oh, not at all.

I agree with you about Balzac, Leopold. He's vastly overrated.

She has the face of an angel.

And the disposition of one, as well.

Gentlemen, as someone who has resolutely resisted matrimony, I now must admit to being the fortunate individual on whom fortune showers her favors beyond measure.

I'm sure she also appreciates what an extraordinary catch she's getting.

You flatter me, Ambrose.

Listen to him. I flatter him!

A philosopher, an art critic, an astute political theorist, an outspoken pacifist.

A man of culture!

And a singer of Schubert lieder.

Come now, gentlemen, am I to be overpraised merely for the accomplishment of being a civilized human?

And what after the wedding, Leopold?

We are only having one week of leisure, which we will spend in London, a long-awaited opportunity to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave.

Following that, we depart for the continent, where I have consented to give a series of lectures on Renaissance art.

It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto into perspective for his innumerable many sycophants.


Andrew, are you all right?

Yeah. No, I'm fine.

I just... I can't seem to get airborne with my wings for some reason.

And, you know, I've had wonderful success with my flying bicycle.

Why does a beautiful day like today give me such a sad feeling?

Adrian, I don't want to hear anything sad for the next two weeks.

I want this to be a terrific time for us.

I just wanna relax and have a good time and go fishing and work on my inventions, and I don't wanna think about Wall Street.

You know, this is supposed to be a vacation.

I never noticed this thing before, Andrew. What is that?

This thing, that's my spirit ball. If it works, which I doubt if it's gonna work, but that penetrates the unseen world.

Oh, yeah? Which unseen world are we talking about?

Well, you do admit that there's more to life than meets the eye, right?

Mmm-hmm. Either that, or I weep.

Maybe... Yeah, well, like what?

Like what? Like, ectoplasm and various energies.

I want that thing to emit light rays and to capture the future and the past.

Hmm.

Well, incidentally, I'm putting my cousin Leopold and his fiancee in our bedroom, and we'll take the guest room for the night.

It'll be much nicer before their wedding.

Oh, imagine sharing a bed before marriage. It's a little bit depraved.

Yeah, I'm very anxious to meet your cousin, Leopold, 'cause I tried to read both his books.

I... I couldn't get through the first one and I couldn't get through the second one.

Is Maxwell going to come up alone or will he bring a guest?

Maxwell appear without appropriate female companionship?

You know better than that. You look adorable.

Oh, Andrew. Um...

You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.

Well, you know Maxwell, he's a doctor.

So, these poor women in the tubercular ward show him gratitude.

Yeah, well don't think I don't notice you leering at his buxom weekend guests.

That's, uh... I leer. I admit it. I look. I leer. Yeah, I salivate.

I salivated the day that I met you.

Andrew, what are you doing?

Come on, Adrian.

It's high noon! This'll give you an appetite.

Oh, Maxwell.

Sweetheart, listen. We can't go on like this.

Why not?

Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.

It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.

Yes, but not so many.

The president doesn't have this kind of healthcare.

Come away with me this weekend.

Oh, I can't!

Why? You know how I feel about you.

You know how much I wanna come, but it's just not possible.

This is the best weekend of the whole summer.

Oh, Maxwell! What?

If there are other guests, we'll have to have separate rooms...

Well, that's okay. You can always leave your door unlocked.

I can't. We'd have fun.

It's impossible! Stop asking me.

Another...

Another time, I promise.

You swear? I swear. Now I have to go out.

Thank you, Doctor.

It's all right, Charles. It's only a muscle spasm.

Come in next Tuesday at 3:00. I'd like to take one more look.

What are you smiling at, Miss Ford?

Oh, I was thinking about something I read in The Katzenjammer Kids.

What are you doing this weekend? Me? Oh...

Well, I'll probably go to Coney Island. Why?

Come away with me.

Where?

To the country. The cousin of my best friend's wife is getting married, and a few of us are gonna celebrate and have a good time.

Really?

Is it all right if I called you Dulcy?

Yes. I'm just surprised.

Did you not know that I've had my eye on you these last two weeks?

I've only been working here for five days.

Oh, I lose track. You always seem so shy around me.

The nurses on the floor say you're fast.

Me? I mean, I think you're handsome.

Come with me. We'll have a fabulous weekend.

We'll sun and swim and drink beer.

Naturally, I'll make sure we have separate rooms.

We don't need separate rooms.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

It's not your fault, Adrian, it's probably me.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

What's wrong is that we have a bad sex life. It's very simple.

But why?

But why? Because we never sleep together anymore that's why.

But what went wrong?

Don't ask me.

Everything seemed great till about a year ago, then you just sort of cooled off.

Well, I've apologized to you about a hundred times.

You don't have to apologize... You know, obviously, I've done something to make you feel that way.

No. I can't explain it.

I just started having those moods and odd feelings.

And the annoying thing is that of course I get tense and I can't relax and the whole thing gets destroyed.

I know. It's become a chore.

Right. It's not the kind of thing that should we should, you know, look forward to, like it's hanging over our heads all day that we're gonna be in bed together at night.

It's not fair to you.

No, it's not fair to you either.

That's why today at the barn I tried to do it quickly and get it over with, and then we would, you know...

I'm... I don't mean "get it over with" in a horrible way.

I mean that... I don't know what else to do.

Adrian, I'm sorry.

Come on, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Could you get me a headache tablet?

We should ask Maxwell. He's a friend and a doctor.

God, no! I don't want everybody to know our personal problems.

What about your cousin, Leopold? He's a philosopher.

I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives?

Oh, please, don't bring it up!

I'm only kidding.

So who's he marrying anyhow? What does she do?

Is she also a philosopher or an astronomer or something?

Oh, well, she doesn't do anything. I think that her family's in politics.

Uh-huh. I believe her name is Ariel Weymouth.

Did you drop something?

Yeah, I dropped a glass.

I better get the broom and make sure all the slivers are up off the floor.


Hi! Hey, Maxwell!

Andrew, my goodness! How are you? Be careful.

This is Dulcy. Andrew.

Don't kill yourself. We just got here.

Hello!

He delights in making impractical but danger...

Adrian! Hello.

This is Dulcy. How do you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

He's down.

Don't worry. I always carry bandages.

You must be tired after your motor trip.

Can I show you to your room... Rooms?

It's up to him.

We'll just use one room.

Maxwell!

Andrew, you okay?

Maxwell, I think I've fractured my last remaining nose.

You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

The man never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

Yeah, who overcharges me?

But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

Say hello to Dulcy.

Oh, hello, Dulcy.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Maxwell, I'll help you with that.

I'll show you to the house. Oh, okay.

Oh, it's a beautiful house. Thank you.

It was Andrew's before we were married.

Mmm, smell that air.

Oh, a hammock. That's so nostalgic.

I lost it in a hammock.

Pardon me?

You really have to have good balance.

Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she, 12 years old? Thirteen?

She's twice that, Andrew. She's very experienced.

She couldn't keep her hands off me on the way up here.

Oh, Jesus, when are you going to grow up?

You're like one of those characters in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

You only live once, Andrew, remember that.

Yeah, I know your theory.

I'm serious. I see what goes on down at the hospital.

I've had a hell of a week. Really?

People with tumors and brain damage, a guy with sudden heart failure... Oh, don't tell me!

They're young men and women Andrew.

They've never lived, we tell 'em they're gonna die.

And they never seized the moment, they never had a life.

"Gather ye rosebuds," Andrew.

So you never have any interest in getting married, right?

I don't stick around long enough to fall in love, Andrew, you know what I'm like.

Marriage for me is the death of hope. Mmm-hmm.

Plus, I can't seem to find that one person.

Oh...

What is it? What's the matter, Andrew? What's wrong?

Maxwell.

Maxwell, things are very bad with Adrian and myself.

No!

Yeah, I don't know... We don't sleep together anymore.

Well, that could be just temporary, Andrew...

No, it's been going on for six months.

I don't know what to do.

That's a long time.

Maybe I should take your pulse.

Oh, Jesus... You know, It's awful.

She was never like that, and then one day it just set in.

Do you cheat?

Of course I don't cheat. You know.

What I do is I pour all my energy into my inventions.

Because of my problem in bed with her, I can now fly.

It's awful. Maybe she's anemic.

Although it sounds like it's mental or something.

You know, they're doing some amazing things with hypnosis these days in Europe.

Really? Hypnosis? Yeah.

Hi!

Maxwell, come on up!

She's a very pretty little girl, isn't she?

Who?

Dulcy, Maxwell's guest.

Why? Who were you thinking of?

Yes, she's adorable, I think. She is.

What was going through your mind just now?

Just... Nothing. Why?

Last night, when you broke that glass and I came upstairs to sweep it, you were just sitting on the edge of the bathtub, just looking off into the distance.

I was exhausted.

Do you know Ariel Weymouth?

How is it possible for me... Of course not.

Don't be silly, Adrian.

She's very freethinking and forward, isn't she?

Who, Ariel Weymouth?

Dulcy.

She seems to give off animal vibrations.

Yeah, well, she's a nurse.

Well, not every nurse is sexy.

But they're very knowledgeable about the body.

They know exactly how all the organs function, so they're wonderful.

Maybe I should ask for lessons.

I bet she'd be willing to answer any questions that you might have.

Oh...

I was just joking. You think I need lessons?

Do you like it?

No, not a bit. My blood pressure is always 90 over 680.

It drives them wild at Coney Island.

But if we're gonna be in a country stream, why do I have to wear anything at all?

Well, it might shock Andrew. He's elderly.

Oh.

I brought some contraceptives with me in case you forgot.

Oh, good. 'Cause I only brought 300.

Leopold, hello. It's wonderful to see you again.

Hi, there. You must be Ariel.

I'm Adrian. This is my husband Andrew.

Yes, we've met before.

Ariel told me about it.

It was such a funny coincidence when Leopold said that you were his cousin's husband.

I told him we were old friends.

Acquaintances. We're... I didn't know it was the same...

I couldn't imagine it was the same Ariel Weymouth.

So, I'll get the luggage, right?

Like each snowflake, there is only one Ariel Weymouth.

"Only one Ariel..." Did you hear? Every individual snowflake...

It's been a long time, Cousin Adrian.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Professor Leopold Sturgis, Dr. Maxwell Jordan.

Charmed. Dulcy Ford, Ariel Weymouth.

Blue Moon Glow.

That's exactly right. I'm amazed.

I didn't think they sold it in this country.

Well, an old love of mine wore it. A ballerina from Spain.

And the scent you're wearing, is that Bay Rum?

Yes, exactly right. Straight from the corner drugstore.

We recognize each other's smells.

In the animal kingdom, we'd be married.

Are you the Dr. Maxwell Jordan who wrote the book on natural science?

Yes, it's my hobby.

I must be honest. I thought it was poor.

Oh, well it wasn't great.

I'm just an amateur speculator on science, I admit it.

Oh, I liked your book, Professor.

Both of 'em. I liked both of 'em.

The first one was chosen as the best philosophical treatise of the year by a committee of publishers.

Oh, which one was that? Conceptual Pragmatism.

Oh, I haven't gotten to that yet. Exactly what is it?

The house is exactly as I remember it.

You've been here before?

Oh, did. Just once. Years ago.

What an odd coincidence.

Shall I show you to your room, or do you know the way?

"Do you know the way?" Did you hear that?

Come, wife.

"Sumer is icumen in, Ihude sing cuccu.

"Groweth sed, and bloweth med, and springth the wude nu."

"Sing cuccu!"

So, you've been here before. You've met Andrew?

Yes. A long time ago, before I left for Paris.

We spent a little time together. Very little.

I've been to Paris twice, but I was miserable both times.

Probably because I was there with the wrong person.

Oh, that's important, because it's such a romantic place.

If two people are really in love, a city like Paris becomes a great medium through which to explore their feelings.

Don't you think, Leopold?

I like large cities.

Oh, and in the rain...

Mmm. Tell me about your book, Professor.

What's the plot?

What do you do, Miss, uh... Dulcy.

Miss Dulcy?

I'm a nurse, but I get to do a lot of reading.

The patients all have books.

A lot of them are too weak to read, or they die and I get to keep the copies.

Oh look, why don't we change our clothes and play badminton?

How could you lie to me?

I didn't lie! I wasn't lying, Adrian.

I was not lying.

All right, do you wanna know why I lied?

You told me you didn't know her.

Yes, I admit. That part I admit.

What do you mean, "admit"?

I caught you! You were exposed!

May I make my point, please?

Why didn't you want me to know?

Why? Because the way things are going in our marriage, I thought, you know, that you'd be full of fear and suspicion.

And, you know, I thought you'd be uneasy all weekend. You lied because you're guilty.

Guilty? Ha-ha! That's a laugh. How am I guilty?

How can I be guilty if I didn't do anything?

Well, why should I be uneasy unless you were lovers?

Lovers? I never laid a finger on the woman.

Didn't you even think she was gonna give you away?

I-I think...

I thought it was so insignificant she wouldn't even remember.

It was so long ago.

Oh, and you think that I would care?

Listen, Andrew, I know I wasn't the first one.

It's just that you lied to me that makes me wonder.

I mean, you dropped that glass at the mention of her name.

That's because our marriage is not going well, so I thought the less said, the better.

That was my fault, I shouldn't have done it.

You went out with her? No, never!

Yeah, once. Once.

Once, and you took her here?

So twice, three times. You know, you gonna quibble?

I drove her up here. It was a simple thing.

I showed her the premises and I drove her back to New York City.

It was very easy and...

I swear by my mother.

You didn't make love to her?

No! I would remember that.

And what if I did?

Which I didn't. I didn't. I never did.

I've got a really terrible headache.

I'm gonna go get more tablets. You just had a headache!

Listen, so how do you feel about her now, when you see her after all these years?

This is exactly why I didn't tell you, Adrian.

Because if things were okay between us, this wouldn't give this a second thought.

But I figured you're so vulnerable, and they'll be here all weekend, and we don't sleep together anymore...

Oh! Not so loud.

And she's so beautiful... Oh...

That's a simple fact. I mean, a blind man could see that.

Adrian, I love you.

I was never in love with Ariel Weymouth and I don't love her now.

Hey, trust me.

So how did you and Leopold meet?

We were both tourists at St. Peter's in Rome.

You picked her up at the Vatican, Leopold?

My whole life I wanted to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

I met her in the basilica before one of the lesser a Madonnas.

I couldn't resist the impulse to speak to this heavenly creature.

Naturally.

Leopold's an expert on Italian art.

I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.

Oh, when Raphael first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

Had he eaten?


To summer.

"The spring, the summer, the childing autumn, "angry winter, change their wonted liveries."


Okay. Just try something else.

Got it. Yeah. Okay, can I stop now?

So, do you remember these woods at all?

Do you remember this area? Do you remember the bridge down there?

Oh, yeah. Of course I remember. Yeah?

It was one of the most beautiful summer nights I'd ever seen.

I know, it was very romantic.

I think about that night all the time.

No, really? Yeah. I do, yeah.

And whenever I think about it, I want to kill you.

Kill you or myself, but much more you.

What for?

Do you have any idea how much I lusted after you?

Well, why didn't you do something? I wanted you to.

You were this diplomat's daughter, raised by nuns.

You know, I was shy. We were not in love. It was pure animal lust.

That's just what I was in the mood for.

I know, I know. I missed an opportunity.

I've regretted it ever since.

You know, that's the saddest thing in life, is a missed opportunity.

And particularly rotten in this case because after you left, a month after you went to Europe, I learned only then, that you were and had been, sleeping with everyone. Everyone!

Not everyone. Ha-ha!

Well, maybe it was everyone.

Yeah, I wouldn't have been the first, I'd have been the 21 st.

Writers, bankers, poets, the entire infield of the Chicago White Sox.

You have to admit, I wasn't one of your shrinking, mousy, inhibited virgins.

You know, that's the understatement of the century.

What did you want me to do, take charge?

You didn't act like you wanted anything.

Well, I was used to slower women.

You know, Adrian and I had no sex till we were married.

Hey, why are we rehashing all this, Huh?

It's over. We're two older people now.

By tomorrow this time, I'll be married, too.

And what is it with you and Leopold?

This guy's so much older than you are.

Leopold's very brilliant. A genius.

So what? If you're such a free spirit, what do you want to tie yourself down for anyhow?

You know. For a woman, the years slip away quickly.

Don't tell me you're getting scared.

Maybe.

But why? I don't understand.

You're so beautiful and charming.

You could get any man that you wanted.

No, that's not true.

Oh, that was always true, Ariel.

Not you. Me?

I think amongst all the love affairs I was running through in those days, you were the one person that could have stopped me.

I could have?

Yeah. I...

I was really beginning to care for you.

You see, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we'd made love that night.

The moment was so perfect, you know.

People find out things about themselves through lovemaking that they never dreamed of.

What? What are you thinking?

Nothing. Only that our whole lives might have been different if only I had acted.

Tell me something, Andrew. If you lusted after me so, why weren't you also in love with me?

Can the two feelings really be separate?

Did you see the trout that I got? It was great!

Look, Ariel, a fossil!

I think he's talking about you, Andrew.

Oh, come on, Max. Millions of years old, when prehistoric man roamed these very woods naked and savage.

Give me the good, old days.

Yes, you think you'd like to see some long-haired Neanderthal, his primitive weapon in hand, stalking through the brush like an animal, never dreaming that someday he will be extinct and culture will be the order of the day.

Well, I'd like to try it for one night.

Look! There's a Yellow-bellied Sapsucker.

We get a lot of great birds here.

I love nature. I could live in the woods.

Maxwell was raised by wolves.

And he was raised by skunks.

This is the country, Maxwell, why don't you get dressed and do the dance of the merry peasants?

There are too many merry peasants as it is.

There's another Sapsucker!

How come everything you say sounds dirty?

These woods are especially beautiful.

Yeah, they are. These woods are enchanted, you know.

On certain summer nights, you can see things.

Really? Yeah.

Shadows and, I don't know, little glowing things.

Yeah, spirits.

Yes, shadows, glowing things, spirits...

What pathetic delusions we frightened humans cling to.

Oh, come on.

Leopold has no patience with the spirit world.

I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.

You have to, Maxwell. That's where all your patients wind up.

Very funny, Andrew. Very funny.

You were fishing with Ariel for such a long time.

I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all. What do you want me to do?

Were you reminiscing?

Reminiscing? I was out with her once years ago!

We had a couple of lobsters, a couple of beers and that was it.

Oh, you still remember exactly what you ate?

Adrian, you know, I'm gonna be glad when this weekend is over, because it's a disaster.

Leopold and Maxwell can't stand each other and you...

You know, you I'm gonna have to take to a hypnotist.

Why?

Why? So we can start making love again.

Of course, you'll be in a trance, but that's okay.

That's terrible!

Let's not discuss my ideas if you haven't read my ideas.

Oh, your view is educated, but it's narrow.

That's why your book was second-rate.

Ah! A yellow-banded butterfly.

I've been looking for one my whole life.

Don't scare it. Bring the net.

It went that way.

I can't see... Which way did it go?

Everybody quiet and fan out.

Maxwell, what am I supposed to be looking for?

Andrew, climb up that side.

I didn't see any butterfly.

No, no! There it is!

What color is it?

Did you hurt yourself? Did you...

All right, everybody stand back. Give her air.

Does that hurt?

It's probably the metatarsal.

Relax, it's nothing serious.

Maxwell, stop fondling her instep. It's a rouse to feel her.

The butterfly's gone.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

That's what comes from horsing around. I apologize.

Running around the woods like Indians. How is it?

She's gonna be fine. This man is a major quack.

You have nothing to worry about.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, that feels good. Oh, yes.

Right in there, isn't it? Yes.

Would you two prefer to be alone?

Are you well enough to walk?

I think so. Just hold it.

It feels much better, thank you.

You don't want it to come back.

She said she was fine.

Okay. All better.

It's fine! It's good. I used to get this at dance class all the time.

You studied dance? So did I, but my folks insisted on medicine.

Now, now, I'm tired of standing around amidst of poison ivy, snakes and toadstools.

Okay, I just wanted to make sure she didn't pull a tendon.

Besides, for you information, it's not poison ivy and they're not toadstools.

Oh, you are wrong. Toadstools is exactly what they are.

Yes? Well, these happen to be mushrooms.

Those are poisonous fungi.

I believe you're mistaken.

Does it really matter?

I don't think you'd be willing to eat one.

No? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Let's go home.

Those are toadstools and I'm surprised that a doctor who writes about nature can't tell the difference.

Yeah, come on, Maxwell, give us all a thrill.

Pop one into your mouth and go into convulsions.

Maxwell!

Okay, Leopold. Yeah.

For once in your life, do you stand...

Get some coffee or something.

Do we have anything in here? Quickly.

There's some aspirin. Get some plain white bread.

I don't know what he was trying to prove.

Leopold, put down the telescope and come help us.


The summer light is so beautiful at this hour, isn't it?

I love the long days. Hmm.

So do I. It makes me think of when I was a little girl.

Me too. Full of dreams.

Yes. Mostly about falling in love.

Mine, too.

Do you think that when two people are in love, um, it must always express itself physically?

I don't understand.

Do you mean that, um, a man could lust passionately for a woman but he... Still he might not love her?

I don't know. It's very confusing when you try and think about it, isn't it?

Tell me, I don't mean to be forward, but was it, um, a difficult decision to, you know, come from a convent and everything, and guard your chastity, to decide to share the bed with Leopold before the wedding?

Not too tough.

Hmm.

I wish I'd have been that brave.

It's funny. I always considered myself a modern woman, and then I see someone like Nurse Dulcy.

Oh, yeah.

I hear she knows how all the organs function and just what to do.

I think men appreciate vigorous women.

Yes?

And young ones. This beautiful summer light doesn't last for ever.

I was watching you. You shoot well.

It's all in the pectoral muscles.

Healthy pectorals. You should try it.

Rather than express them with weapons of destruction, my aggressive impulses are given vent in the more socially acceptable chessboard.

Oh, I wouldn't mind learning chess.

I feel it would be tame for you.

Well, I like the way the stallions look.

They're called knights.

That's a knight. Not a stallion.

They're watching us, right? Who?

Leopold, the who tried to poison me.

Yeah. Right, sure.

Andrew, I'm in love with Ariel.

I know, she's actually beautiful.

No, I mean I'm really in love with her.

Yeah, I don't blame you. She's an exceptional woman.

No, you don't understand. I'm in love with her.

I love her. I don't want her to get married.

Maxwell, will you make your shot please? I wanna take my bath.

I've never felt like this before. It's astonishing!

The moment I smelled her, I loved her.

Yeah, well smell someone else, because she's taken.

Jesus, he's such a pompous ass! I know, I know.

But this time tomorrow night she's gonna be Mrs. Pompous Ass.

What's the matter with you? Don't you read the signs?

Don't you know what she's thinking?

What does that mean?

I kissed her! You did?

Yeah, in the woods. I think there's a chance Leopold saw.

He's watching me like a hawk. I need you help.

What do you mean? She let you kiss her?

Well, not exactly, but I could feel her lips tremble with feeling.

Don't tell me about it. Adrian's jealous enough. I've had an experience with Ariel.

What was that experience? No, it was nothing.

What do you mean, "It was nothing"? Don't tell me it was nothing.

It was brief and platonic.

Bring her to the brook. Don't tell her it's to meet me. I'll get there.

Why the brook?

What's the matter?

I dunno, because you just lust after her.

You're not in love. You wanna sleep with her.

How could anyone just wanna sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't.

She's hot. She's very hot. I know, I know.

Those are the ones that are incredible in bed, the ones that are raised in a convent.

Maxwell, do me a favor, go play with your butterfly net.

Take a casual walk with Ariel. Bring her to the brook.

I can't! Adrian's too jealous.

Why? What the hell did you two do together that was so incriminating?

Nothing. I didn't do anything.

Don't tell me it was nothing, because you're blushing.

Oh, leave me alone, Maxwell.

You slept with her, didn't you?

I didn't. I swear!

You still like her, don't you?

No. Go away. Leave me alone.

God, Andrew, I'm suffering. I mean it!

All right! I'll bring her to the brook.

I'll talk to her on your behalf. I'll try.

Stop it, they're looking at us.

Didn't he say that they napped before dinner?

Check.

Very aggressive. You learn quickly.

And if I do this?

Trapped. Hmm.

You have a wonderful flair for spatial relationships.

Can you get away later on?

What do you mean?

I mean, can you get away later on to be alone with me?

What for?

These are my last few hours of freedom.

Professor!

I pray you, do not register untoward dismay.

I have known many women, and it is only because I cherish Ariel so intensely that I am, with some trepidation, closing the book on my bachelorhood for ever.

I hold the marriage vows sacred and, once wed, would never be unfaithful.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Please, the shame I feel over my desires is already too much to bear.

Don't be ashamed. I'm just surprised it's me you asked.

You have an open personality and I feel you're modern enough in your thinking not to make more of the experience than is intended.

And, although I'm surely not the first to tell you, you're quite attractive and you radiate a certain raw energy.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be an interesting experience for me.

What if your fiancee finds out?

She must never.

I want Ariel for my wife and...

Yet the pull is strong.

I cannot help imagining what it would be like with you.

I'm flattered.

Have you ever made love with a much older man?

Yes.

Illicitly? In the woods?

Yes.

Was he a genius?

He was a dentist.

Do you find me unattractive?

No, you're elegant.

Would you meet me where we swam today, at 6:00?

Yes.

I'm grateful.


Ariel! Psst!

Ariel!

Ariel! Ariel!


Are you gonna be in there for a while?

I just got in the tub about two minutes ago.

I really like soaking in a good, hot bath.

I think I'll stay in here for about half an hour, 'cause the water feels so good on my back.

Mmm. Well...

I'm bushed. I think I'll just take nap, so just, you know...

Relax and take as long as you want in the tub.

Don't worry about me. I'll take a nap for about, maybe, half an hour or so.


Oh!

I have to speak to you.

Now? Please. It's an emergency.

What's the matter?

I'm sorry. I feel humiliated to come to you like this.

But I didn't know where else to turn.

Calm down, please. I'm a nurse. It's okay.

Sorry. This is very hard for me. Don't worry.

He can't hear you. It's fine. It's okay.

All right. Well, the thing is...

I want to learn how to please my husband in bed.


Ariel! Ariel!

Andrew! What are you doing there?

Maxwell Jordan is in love with you.

He's a medical Casanova.

No, he's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor.

Really. Never lost a patient.

Got a couple of 'em pregnant, but never lost one.

I'm getting married tomorrow.

You don't love Leopold. You know that.

You're just in love with the idea of marrying a great scholar. I know you.

You've got a lot of nerve.

No, no. You've always had that as a goal even way back then.

I didn't think you were listening to anything I was saying way back then.

All that was on your mind was animal passion.

And what was on your mind?

It's my fault. I shouldn't have flirted with Maxwell.

It just comes naturally. Now I've started something.

He likes the way you smell.

Oh, Andrew. I'm so mixed up.

That's why the sooner I marry Leopold and settle down, the better.

You've gotta give Maxwell five minutes. Really, he's pining away for you.

I never saw the guy so serious in his life.

Unless you're absolutely certain that what you're doing tomorrow is the right thing.

It's a little late for me to be having those thoughts.

But not too late.

I was fine till I saw you again. Fine!

Come with me to the brook. Here, I've brought a hat.

Hop on, really. For five minutes.

Andrew, we'll get killed.

No, no! Don't be silly. Trust me. It's me, Andrew.

Trust me anyhow.

My God, we're actually flying!

I know. It's perfect, isn't it?

It's great. Better not look down. Hang on tight.

I knew it would work! I knew it!

It's wonderful, Andrew.

You!

I was, uh...

I was just here and looking at some moss formations.

I couldn't sleep. I felt like a stroll.

What a coincidence.

Are you staying?

Are you?

No!

Uh... Why don't we stroll together?

Yes.

No! Not that way.

I think there's something more interesting up there.

Yes? Oh, yes.

There's some very interesting leaves and things.

I'd like to show them to you.

It's much better that way, especially if you're in the mood for a stroll.

Yes, that's the only reason I'm about. I usually nap.

Say, if you'd prefer to walk alone, I could give you directions.

Would you rather stroll by yourself?

Certainly not! Not me.

We can talk about nature, even if we don't agree on everything.

Oh, God. What am I gonna do?

All right, now I know my flying bicycle won't handle that weight.

We could have been killed. Not killed. Crippled.

That lake is cold. You're shaking. You're shivering.

Come on, you're shaking.

You know, you're wet. I know I'm wet!

I thought I saw a Red-winged Blackbird.

Yes.

These woods are fascinating and beautiful, aren't they?

There is something magical about them.

Four miles is rather longer than I anticipated.

Oh, we're half there. So, tomorrow's the big day, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

You know what I jokingly call marriage? The death of hope.

Jokingly, of course. Although no joke is ever completely untrue.

I'm aware that you have designs on Ariel.

What? It's pointless to deny it.

I observe the way you stare at her and take pleasure in her behavior.

I can almost hear your heart beat every time she passes close to you.

Hey, you know, you have some imagination. You should write fiction.

I assure you Ariel does not return these rather desperate and somewhat vulgar feelings of yours.

You know, you're not too overeducated to get a punch in the nose.

Go ahead, hit me. You've wanted to all day.

Don't be afraid. I never resist violence.

I realize that often it is the sole recourse of primitives.

It's like swimming. It's a measured stroke.

And remember, here's the key.

When the sperm count is low, they won't listen to reason.

But when the sperm count is high, they'll do anything you want.

It sounds awfully clinical.

Well, we're just going over some basics.

But if you love the guy, it should all come together with a certain sense of danger and excitement.

You shouldn't just limit yourself to the bedroom.

It should be full of surprise and spontaneity.

It shouldn't be routine.

Mmm-hmm.

So, I understand Maxwell kissed you today?

Yes. Very suddenly, in the woods.

Really? How did it feel?

It felt good. What do you mean good?

You asked how it felt and I said good.

Well, if it's so good how can you think of getting married?

I'm always mixed up when it comes to the opposite sex.

I think I know what I want, and then I don't. And then I do.

What about you? How's your marriage?

My marriage is fine.

It's not working, but it's fine.

I'm sorry.

So what are you telling me? You find Maxwell attractive?

Well, kind of. In his own way.

You're kidding. The kid's tubby.

Haven't you noticed? He's a butterball.

A few minutes ago you were telling me how great he was.

He's great. Don't misunderstand me. It's just that he's blubber.

He's my best friend but... I guess he is.

If I had only acted that time when we were at the brook that night!

Yeah. It just haunts me.

Not a week has gone by that I haven't dreamt about you or that evening.

I swear. We shouldn't be talking like this.

I gotta get married tomorrow.

Why? What are you running into? Stop for a second.

I'm not running into it. No. He's perfect for me, really.

You don't believe that. He's solid. He's taught me a lot.

Like what? Well...

Like how to listen to Mozart.

With your ears, right? Is that a reason to marry...

Hey, are you okay?

We got wet. We should go back.

Maxwell, it's flooding! Maxwell! Maxwell, are you all right?

Max...

I fell asleep in the tub and it overflowed.

It's okay, I got everything under control. Did you have a good nap?

Yeah, I just decided to change.

Oh.

I, uh, didn't feel tired so I took a brief stroll.

You've been in there a long time.

Oh, I... I fell asleep in the bath.

Did you have a nice stroll?

Yes. Very enlightening.

Did you have a nice bath?

Oh, yes. Very refreshing.

Where have you been? The table's still not set.

I was chopping ice. I was in the barn.

I was just...

There was a huge block of ice and I chopped it.

We... We'll have the ice for dinner.

Okay, I understand.

Hey...

Dinner's nowhere near ready.

Oh. No.

I had to clean the fish.

I thought you said you cleaned the fish.

Oh, I didn't mean to say the fish. I meant to say the chicken.

We're having fish and chicken, because Leopold hates fish.

More trout, Leopold?

Please, yes.

The trellis is broken. Have you been climbing on it again, Andrew?

No, I was just trying to fix something there. It's a terrible story.

I once got locked in the bathroom.

Andrew climbed up the trellis and got me out the window. It was very romantic.

I'd like to say that, also that I'm a little drunk.

The wine is a little heavy.

It's gone straight to my head, too.

Yeah, you've got to watch it, Maxwell, because you're turn into one of those doctors whose hands shake when they operate.

Domestic brands are always less subtle.

Did anyone see that big, strange bird that was flying around before dinner?

What bird?

The one that dived into the lake.

You know what there is up here? There's hawks and eagles.

You haven't been trying your wings on again, Andrew?

Yeah, sure. I always spin around the lake a couple of times before dinner.

It builds my appetite.

So you're an inventor, eh?

Crackpot inventor.

In actual life, I help people with their investments until there's nothing left.

What was that odd-looking contraption with the ball on top that we saw earlier?

That was my spirit box.

It's a kind of a magic lantern that penetrates the unseen world.

What unseen world? Forest spirits? Little glowing things?

Hmm, you can make fun if you want, but you all will admit that there's more to life than what we perceive with our five senses.

I'm afraid not.

Oh, I think there is.

I've seen these spirits on summer nights.

Truth is nobody really knows.

That thing looked like something I saw at a magic show at Coney Island.

There is nothing magical about existence.

It becomes more understandable every day.

Greater familiarity with some of our best minds might make that quite clear.

I disagree. I think that if anything can be said to be magical, it's the universe.

Me, too.

What a pity that people require more for their existence than the wonderful world about them.

It's not always so wonderful down at the hospital.

So when are you gonna show us this, uh, little trick of yours?

It's not a trick. I'm gonna try it later.

It's gotta be dark before I can do anything.

Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel.

Oh, really? What?

Tell them about that.

Oh, it's nothing. It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish.

Or if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

That's great.

To Leopold and Ariel.

Tomorrow they will be man and wife, forsaking all others till death do them part.

May they be very happy with one another for the rest of their lives.

Maxwell, are you all right?

Are you choking? Are you okay?

Just a little wine went down the wrong way.

You're gulping that stuff down like it was milk.

I'll be all right. I'm just a little dizzy.

It's not a bone? It's okay, I'm all right.

Is he an alcoholic?

No, no, no. He probably just had a little too much to drink tonight.

He started on an empty stomach. He just has to walk it off.

So, where will you settle after you're married?

I've taken a townhouse near the university.

I can't wait for Ariel to meet the professors and their wives.

Already I'm the envy of the faculty.

You'll adore Professor Eddy and his wife. They're a very entertaining couple, with a kind of a theme to their marriage.

You see, he specializes in Dr. Johnson and she teaches Boswell.

They're an entertaining and amusing couple, and I look forward to many wonderful chats.

Well, to wonderful chats, and Boswell and Johnson, and Leopold and Ariel, and this summer night, and you two, of course.

And Maxwell. And Dr. Maxwell Jordan.

Doctor of high jinks.

And of course to Adrian and Andrew.

Where did that come from? What was that?

Maxwell! Maxwell!

Maxwell, what is it?

Maxwell, are you all right?

Did you hurt yourself?

Maxwell, you're bleeding.

I just picked it up and it went off. I didn't know it was loaded.

Put that thing down! Be careful with it!

Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Andrew, you keep it loaded!

No, I don't. That's what I don't understand.

I'm okay. Go on back to dinner.

There's no harm done. I'm all right.

Everybody, go. He'll be all right.

We'll put a bandage on it.

Go back to the house. We'll put some alcohol on it.

Just relax. He's okay. Maxwell, let me see that thing for a second.

Maxwell, are you crazy? I never keep bullets in that thing.

So what?

So are you insane?

Is she worth putting a bullet through your head for?

I love her.

You... Well, I don't know who I'm talking to anymore.

I don't know you.

Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.

Don't be melodramatic. Are you a crazy person?

Maybe I'm drunk, Andrew, but I haven't been able to think of anything else but her all day long.

Would you... I have to be alone with her.

I've got to be alone with her. Maxwell, what are you telling me?

Do you realize what would have happened if you hadn't missed?

What a tragedy that would be.

Wouldn't you die for Ariel? Me?

I see the way you look at her.

Maxwell, I'm not a poet.

I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street.

I waited by the brook. You never sent her.

Why didn't you send her? I tried!

Was she willing to come?

Yes! I tried to take her by air.

We fell into the lake. It was ridiculous.

We had to get out. We walked.

Our clothes were soaking wet. It was awful!

It sounds very romantic, the two of you walking around with wet clothes.

Did you kiss her? Kiss her? I sneezed on her.

Why do you blush when we talk about her?

Maxwell, leave me alone!

If I did love her, it wouldn't matter anyhow! Because she's marrying Leopold tomorrow.

What do you mean, if you did love her? What do you mean if you did?

Do you love her?

I'm saying "if." If I loved her, if I wasn't married, things were different then...

Then...

Well, then we would have some problems.


That's wonderful.


I love you. Don't get married.

I can't live without you. I'm serious.

What a childish thing to do in the barn.

Do you have any feelings for me at all?

I don't know.

How will you ever if you get married tomorrow?

I won't.

Meet me later.

Go away.

By the brook at midnight, please!

Don't cause trouble!

Give me a chance, will you? I haven't had a single free moment to bring my personality to bear to show you how charming I can be.

Your charm is apparent, but that's not enough.

Why are you so stubborn? Do you love Andrew?

How dare you!

Oh, you protest too strongly.

I love Leopold.

You don't. He'd run a poor third.

You're rude.

And you're adorable. And Andrew's married.

Go away, will you? We've both had too much wine.

How can you resist? The moon is full.

You're about to be married forever.

This is your last free night. Spend it with me.

Not all of it, 10 minutes, just talking.

I know if you knew me better, you'd like me.

You don't want to get married with the nagging thought "Maybe I should have.

"After all he wasn't such an ogre.

"Maybe if I'd given him 10 minutes, "against all odds, he would have changed my mind.

"But now it's too late. Here I am, I'm the professor's wife.

"Secure, it's true, yet something's missing. Maybe if I'd acted..."

Stop it!

Marriage is the death of hope.

It is not.

No, not with the right person.

I don't love you.

Because you don't know me. Give me 10 minutes. Ten lousy minutes.

If you don't, I'll kill myself, I swear, right after the wedding.

This time I won't miss.

All right! Okay, I'll meet you.

You promise?

Go away.

If you don't come, the guilt will haunt you forever.

Ariel, come play for a while.

All right.

Yes, why don't you, Ariel? I feel like something devotional.

I love your accompaniment.

You have a way of caressing the words I sing.

Our Father

Which art in heaven

Hallowed be...

What are you slamming the door for?

He doesn't sound that bad.

Is something the matter? You've got a funny look on your face.

Are you okay?

Andrew, kiss me. Yeah?

What are you doing?

I want to make love to you.

Adrian, what's the matter with you?

Adrian, stop! Adrian! Adrian, stop that!

Adrian, we've got guests in the house.

Yeah, that makes it a little dangerous.

Adrian, stop it. Adrian!

This is the kitchen table! What are you doing?

Adrian! I cannot have intercourse where we eat oatmeal.

I want you right now!

Adrian, stop this. You're crazy.

Stop it!

Adrian, there's a fork under me.

Oh, stop that.

Look, I broke an egg! This is like a Flemish painting.

Get those pants off!

Shh, quiet!

There's a man in the next room singing the Lord's Prayer.

We'll go blind!

Adrian! Adrian, I'm on the burner.

Kiss me.

Lead us not into temptation But deliver us from evil For thine is the Kingdom

What are you doing?

Don't stop.

I suddenly feel panicky.

You can't stop now. I'm past the point of no return.

Well, I feel a lot of fear in the bottom of my stomach.

Yeah, but you're gonna have to pack me in ice.

I can't. It's disgusting.

How can it be disgusting? I don't have my clothes off yet.

I'm sorry, Andrew. I really wanted to. You know that.

I just... Suddenly... I became aware of myself, of the others.

I could feel my heart beating.

You don't feel it for me anymore, Adrian. Face it.

Oh, look.

Maybe I don't. I don't know what I feel.

I know one thing. I can't go on like this anymore.

What about the spirit world, Andrew? We're all waiting.

Okay, everyone, now I can't guarantee this thing is gonna work.

You know, this is... What's it supposed to do?

You're a man of science. What are your views on an unseen world?

Well, I don't believe in ghosts, though I almost became one before.

I believe in science and sex.

Not love?

Yes. Love at first sight.

Can there be love without sex?

Oh, sometimes I think the two can be totally different.

How?

Well, sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

Think about that for a minute.

Okay, join hands, everyone. Everyone, just hold your hand. Everyone, relax.

I'm dealing here with ectoplasm and animal magnetism.

Everyone, concentrate on the ball.

Just concentrate and make your mind a blank.

Can we look at it?

You can look at it, yeah.

Okay, relax. Please, take this seriously.

Keep concentrating.

Just relax.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

Just relax.


Look at that! Look, isn't that fantastic?

Oh, it's wonderful.

It's working! It's working!

We went swimming there. It's the brook.

It's a person. Some man.

It's Andrew! No, it's Maxwell.

It's Andrew. It's neither of them.

What's he doing?

He's waiting alone. Waiting for who?

A woman, who else?

He's alone. I guess she never came.

Is this looking into the past?

It's an optical illusion.

Look, there's someone in a summer dress.

They're just talking. Why doesn't he kiss her?

I know he wants to.

I wonder why he doesn't.

He's too timid.

She really wants him to.

She does want him to. Look, you can see. She's straining too.

But he's not, he just isn't.

He's missing his chance.

It's so sad.

Isn't it true, the best opportunities only happen once?

Careful, Andrew. You got something to pour on it?

Take that away from there. The house'll burn down.

You've really invented something here, Andrew.

Yeah, but what?

Give it time. It'll die down.

I hope so. I can't seem to put it out.

There, you see? That explains it. Movement is no miracle.

The retina retains an image for 1/16th of a second, flickering lights...

Quite explainable.

Is it explainable?

But what did we see? The past, the present, the future?

Maybe it was the spirit world and those were two ghosts.

There are no ghosts, except in Shakespeare.

And many of those are more real than many people that I know.

Well, come along, Ariel. Time to go to bed.

Thank you, everyone. Lovely dinner.

Thank you for dinner.

Marvelous demonstration.

I think I'd better go to bed too.

Adrian, dinner was super. Thank you.

Good night, Andrew.

I was always scared of ghosts.

Andrew's got everything under control.


Hey, aren't you coming to bed?

No, I'm gonna stay downstairs up for a while.

Oh? I'm not tired.

Really? You're just gonna...

Get a little air. No kidding.

A little. It's such a pretty night.

Oh. Where's Dulcy?

She's exhausted.

Uh-huh.

It's funny, Maxwell. You don't seem as depressed now, not nearly depressed as you were before.

I'm not. No?

I'm much better.

Good. Good. I like to hear that.

How come, Maxwell? Why do you feel better?

Well, I guess if marriage is the death of hope, then the night before marriage, there's still hope.

I don't understand. Where do you think you're gonna walk at this hour?

Just around, under the stars, I don't know.

You think maybe down by the brook?

Why are you so concerned? Just go to sleep.

Hey, I'm not concerned.

I'm gonna take a little walk. It's good for the digestion.

Well, maybe I should walk along with you?

No, no, don't bother.

Why not? I'd like to. I like to digest.

Andrew, I prefer to be alone.

Yeah, but why?

Look, go to bed.

I'm going to meet Ariel.

You are? Yes. By the brook at midnight.

Since when did that happen?

I spoke to her.

What do you mean? She's gonna meet you?

Yes.

What did you tell her? I told her I loved her.

I told her not to marry Leopold.

I told her to meet me tonight.

And she agreed to this?

Andrew, I think I have a chance with her.

You do? Yeah.

I got a great idea. Why don't I bring her to meet you?

No, no, no. No, no. I will.

It's perfect. No, you go to sleep.

No, I'm not tired. I'll bring her. Ma... Ma...

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Maxwell, I'm not tired.


Ariel?

Yes? Yes, Leopold?

Ariel... Doctor... Andrew... Sing... Music...

Ariel! Ariel, over here by the tree.

Ariel, by the tree!

Why are you doing here? I'm here to see Ariel.

Why? I told you I wanna be alone with her.

It's no use, Maxwell. I'm in love with her.

What? I can't fight it anymore.

I don't know what to say. I said I thought you loved her.

I know. Don't get upset.

You denied it. And I'm not upset.

She's been in love with me a long time.

Since when? You said it was platonic. It was platonic.

I never touched her, but I could have and I should have.

She wanted me too, years ago.

I said I thought you loved her!

What am I gonna tell Adrian?

You're my best friend. I asked you to help me.

I tried to bring her to the brook, it just didn't work out.

We flew, we laughed, we reminisced. It turned romantic.

Did she tell you she loved you?

She's loved me from the first day I took her to a baseball game.

I'll kill you!

I knew you would take this badly.

You knew how much I cared for her.

Nobody plans these things, Maxwell.

They just happen. You gotta be a little mature.

Mature? That's right.

I'll show you what mature is, you're a backstabbing little runt!

Hey, what's going on here?

Ariel, I love you.

You do? Yes.

Oh, see? She's not bowled over.

I can't fight it any longer.

For what it's worth to you, Ariel, I love you too.

Oh Jesus, will you stop confusing things.

I'm surprised. When did this feeling come over you?

I've had it for a long time now. Oh, come on!

I just didn't know what to do.

He's having some domestic problems, the man's panicky, that's all.

Don't marry Leopold.

She's not going to marry Leopold.

You can't do that, you'll never be happy.

He's not the right guy for you. Any fool could see that.

I told you she's not marrying him.

Hey, I'm not asking you. I'm talking to her.

And I'm talking to you. Ariel and I had a rendezvous planed.

You're married, Andrew.

The magic has gone out, particularly in the bedroom.

Oh my God! How can you give away intimate secrets?

Do you mind? What do you care?

Ariel, we stood I this spot years ago and I failed to act.

He'll always fail to act, Ariel. He's a procrastinator.

He's not a doer. He talks big schemes and does nothing.

Don't get me angry.

I love you, Ariel. I just need time to show you how much.

One thing's for sure. I can't go through my marriage with Leopold.

No, you can't. And I gotta say something to Adrian.

Listen to him! I wouldn't tell Adrian anything if I were you.

That's my business, okay? Do you mind?

We have a second chance. Let's not mess it up.

It's no good, Andrew. It's no use. She may have cared for you once, but this is now.

Ariel, I love you and, in spite of all his nauseating begging, I want you.

I'm sorry, Maxwell.

Maxwell, you gotta understand.

Maxwell, I'm your best friend. Forgive me.

I should have killed myself. Don't talk like that!

Only a drunken infantile idiot shoots himself over love. Not an internist.

You'll forget me. No.

You will, we'll help you. You'll come over. We won't let you sit and brood.

If I come over, how am I gonna forget her? She'll be here.

That's a point. So don't come over.

Maxwell, we know each other for so long. This was inevitable.

Maxwell, you know I love you.

Better Andrew than Leopold. At least you'll have a few laughs.

What are you gonna do?

I'll go for a walk. I'll throw a rock in the brook. I'll go to sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not a drunken, infantile idiot.

I'll go back to my bedroom and I'll get anaesthetized with meaningless lovemaking.

Maxwell, I didn't mean it.

Will he be all right? I'm worried.

Why does it have to be so complicated? The guy's my best friend.

Ariel?

Ariel!

Remember this tree? We stood under it and looked at the stars.

The constellations are in the same place. There's Gemini.

Yeah, I remember you pointed that out to me.

We both had wine, and you showed me your latest invention.

Did I? Oh, of course! My musical house slippers, right?

As you walked, they would play My Old Kentucky Home. Never sold.

You remember what we talked about?

We talked about the brook and the stars, and your dress.

You had bought a new dress.

Yes. This is it. This is the same dress.

It looks more beautiful. You look more beautiful.

Thank you.

You've lost a little hair from the top.

I'm working on a hair restorer.

But you still have that little boy's look. You do.


It's only Leopold. There's no need to worry. I'm not a spirit.

I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs to read The Katzenjammer Kids.

The Katzenjammer Kids?

That's extraordinary.

That's what happened in the dream.

What dream?

Just now, before I awoke.

I was dreaming this.

Me?

Precisely this. That's incredible.

We were alone and you were lying across the sofa, and you were reading.

I asked you what, and you said, "The Katzenjammer Kids."

And I thought it was funny.

And then your robe fell open slightly.

Only slightly, the way it is now, and I was taken with a great erotic fervor.

And all the terrible thoughts of my whole life that I'd been afraid to unleash poured forth.

How did I react?

You pressed your lips to mine...

And then the scene changed, and we were two savages in the wilderness.

It was a prehistoric era.

I was a Neanderthal, hunting my enemies with primitive weapons, and loving you uninhibitedly.

Jesus. What did you eat before you went to bed?

What are you doing here?

I couldn't sleep.

I didn't want to read alone in the room.

All that ghost talk makes me nervous.

Alone? Why alone?

Maxwell's off walking.

He is? Yeah.

So is Ariel. She slipped out of bed after I fell asleep.

You don't think that they...

I will not play the cuckold for that medical goat.

Relax! You have to learn to trust Ariel if you're gonna marry her.

I trust no one. I can feel it.

They're looking into each other's eyes or holding hands.

I can just envision his clumsy general practitioner's attempts to kiss her.

Or worse. Worse! And it is now officially our wedding day.

Okay, you can relax now, 'cause there's Maxwell and he's alone.

He's right there.

But where's Ariel?

Those shadows...

That's Ariel's dress. Her French frock.

But if Maxwell is here...

Those eyeglasses... That's Andrew!

Leopold. Andrew and Ariel.

Deceived by that third-rate inventor.

I'll kill him.

Leopold!

Leopold, come back! Leopold!

Maxwell, go get Leopold! Leopold's gone to kill Andrew.

What?

Was... Was it a completely horrible experience, Ariel?

No. At least I didn't... At least we bulled our way though it.

Yeah. Great. That's exactly what it was.

The frogs kept croaking.

I know, I know. I got a headache.

Yeah, but it wasn't what I thought it would be.

Did you feel it was?

No.

I think it's true.

You really do learn an awful lot about yourself through lovemaking.

It's quite incredible.

It's so strange.

Years ago when we were here, that kind of stuff never bothered me.

I know. I think if we had made love that very first night when we had the chance, we never would have dreamed that the outside world even existed.

Boy, time passes.

Before you know it, a little hair falls out, a little noise becomes bothersome...

I guess we just... We change. We become different people.

Ah-ha, you little vermin!

Leopold! Prepare to die!

Leopold, don't shoot!

Leopold, you're a man of reason. You're a pacifist.

You're an animal.

Stop it, Leopold! Come back!

Leopold! Leopold!

Andrew!

Hold still, you miserable worm!

Leopold, I can exp...

Really?

Blood.

I've drawn blood.

Who am I?

Maxwell! Maxwell!

Maxwell, are you all right?

No. I'm badly hit. I'm dying.

Oh, Jesus. Help! Help!

It's no use, Andrew. I'm finished.

Maxwell, don't say that. Help!

I'm a doctor. I know where I've been hit.

Blood. Blood!

I've drawn blood and I relished it!

Leopold, what's gotten into you?

I've returned from the hunt.

What's an intellectual genius like you want with a simple nurse like me?

Maxwell, for what it's worth to you, I don't think the old magic is there between Ariel and myself anymore.

If it's any incentive for you to pull through, I think you got a chance with her.

I can't breathe. I'm dying. Take it easy.

I have a confession to make. I want my soul, if it exists, to be clean.

Maxwell, don't talk like that. We're not gonna let you die.

I slept with your wife.

Pardon me? I did it with Adrian.

What did you say?

By the brook, one night last summer.

Maxwell, what are you talking about?

The images from the spirit box.

Didn't you recognize us? Adrian and me.

Didn't you notice? It was her dress.

How could you?

The moment was perfect. I seized it.

You only live once.

But you're my best friend.

I apologize.

I don't accept it.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

It's nothing serious. Just an arrow in his heart.

He's still breathing. Where are you going? We have to help him.

Leopold. Bite me... Hard. Harder!

I can't. These are not my teeth.

Hello!

Andrew? I saw a light.

So you slept with Maxwell?

Me? Why?

Why? 'Cause he told me you did.

How could he?

'Cause he thinks he's dying, which he's probably not, unfortunately.

I don't know what to tell you. It's true.

We were alone by the brook.

You weren't paying any attention to me.

You were obsessed with your inventions.

It was a perfect, moonlit, summer night.

He put his hands on my breasts and my blood just started to boil.

And afterwards, I've never been able to rid myself of the guilt.

But you enjoyed it?

Oh, yeah, definitely. It was hot.

How could you?

And that's exactly when all the trouble began between the two of us.

I will make it up to you, Andrew.

Now that you know this, I feel...

I feel really relieved. This is like a weight is off my back.

I've been carrying around a terrible secret.

Don't lie to me.

No, Andrew. I swear to you. This is like a curse has been lifted.

I hate you.

You love me.

No. I love Ariel. I always loved Ariel.

No, that's not true.

Andrew, make love to me.

Adrian, don't mix me up.

I mean it. In fact, let me handle it.

No, I'm furious with you.

Oh, no, no, no. I really mean it this time.

No, Adrian. Stop.

Andrew, you're gonna like this.

Stop, I've had a very rough night.

Excuse me.

Adrian, stop. What are you doing?

Andrew, I promise you, this is a good idea.

Adrian, what is this with table tops?

I'm on a loaded pistol!

It feels much better. Does it?

I can't believe I did this. The sight of blood terrifies me.

I love you. You're still wounded.

I need time to be with you, to prove to you that you can be happy with me.

Maxwell, I'm such a frivolous person.

First I thought I loved Leopold, then I thought I loved Andrew...

But you never loved Leopold, and Andrew was just a dream out of the past.

I, however, am the man of the moment.

We're gonna seize this moment and keep it forever.

I have to admit that when we first met, and you recognized my perfume, you smelled it, I did feel a little weak at the knees.

I know. You were scared and attracted to me all day.

We're two of a kind. We're both flirts, but our flirting days are all over.

Careful. Just easy.

Me, a confirmed bachelor, struck down by Cupid's arrow.

Unfortunately, it was shot by Leopold.

You said you believed in love at first sight.

It's all in the smell, and you smell wonderful.

Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning.

That was a deeply religious experience on that table top.

It's only the beginning. Wait till everyone's gone, I'll show you what Dulcy calls a Mexican Cartwheel.

Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.

It is!

Good. I can't wait.

Oh, so can you forgive me?

Forgive you? I can ordain you.

You've cleared my sinuses for the summer.

And Maxwell, too? Yes.

The way I feel tonight, I could heal people.

Oh! What is he doing with Ariel?

Doing well, I think.

Really? What about Leopold?

Help! Come quickly! Leopold's dead.

Help! Help! Come quickly!

Oh, my God!

What happened to him?

Maxwell, what's wrong with him?

We were making love. He was like an animal. He tore off my robe.

He was wonderful. We did it all violently, like two savages.

He was screaming with pleasure, and at the highest moment of ecstasy, he just keeled over with that smile on his face.

Poor Leopold.

I'm sorry, Ariel.


Don't feel sorry for me, Maxwell.

My soul has merely passed into a different dimension.

I feel myself floating, liberated.

I am, at long last, pure essence.

Leopold? Is that really you?

Of course it's me, Ariel. And I am most delighted to say that Andrew and Adrian were right.

These woods are enchanted, filled with the spirits of the lucky men and women of passion who have passed away at the height of lovemaking.

Promise me, all of you, to look for my glowing presence on starlit evenings, in these woods, under the summer moon, forever.

Look! Leopold!

That's incredible.