A Night at the Roxbury (1998) Script

Cindy. Hi. Who, me? Him?

Not you. Don't worry about it.


How are you doing? Oh, fuck off.

What's up? Feel good. All right.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Score. Very nice.

All right. Let's talk to this little lady called Night.

I broke the window again.

Dad's gonna be pissed. I'll just tell him you did it.

But I didn't do it. I'm driving. Don't do that.

So anyways, I'm standing there, waiting to use the pay phone...

And this guy on the phone turns around and tips his hat like this.

And who do you think that guy was?

Emilio Estevez. "The Mighty Duck". I was there!

Of course you were. You yelled the "Breakfast Clubber's" name.

So, anyway. You guys wanna make out or what?

Oh, man. It was perfect that time.

Four months of work for nothing.

What's up? Did you know you were doing 50?

Hottie cop likes you. Think she pulls over just anybody? Make a move.

What's up? Not much. Just giving you an $80 ticket.

She is so into you.

I want you to do me a favor. Whatever you say, "T.J. Hooker".

Please obey all posted speed limits. Have a good night.

It's already been good, now that you've served and protected me.

Way to go my friend! You got her badge number-- plus a month from now you got a date to meet her at The Municipal State Court. Up top.

What was the point of that? Sorry.

Come next week. I'm gonna take care of you. All right, man.

This is the Roxbury. We have a list.

We're on the list. Doug Butabi. Steve Butabi.

You're brothers? No.

Yes. Man! That's quite a joke.

Doug is hilarious. Check this out.

You ever heard of this one? You're not on the list. Get in line.

Is that...? It's the king of "21 Jump Street".

Richard Grieco.

Excuse me. See you later. We'll go wait in line.

Maybe we'll hang out later? No chance.

Sounds good. Know what's wrong with this place?

They don't evaluate the clientele. I thought we just weren't cool enough.

You are a beautiful man. Know what we're gonna do when we get our club?

We're gonna treat all wannabes just as well as any legendary TV-star.

That's pretty Roosevelt of you. It's just what I believe in.

Wanna dance? We're not in the club yet.

So, maybe when we get in?

So I'm waiting to use the pay phone, and this guy tips his hat like this.

And who do you think that guy was? Emilio Estevez!

"The Mighty Duck", man. I swear to God. I was, like, "Emilio!"


The club is closed, folks. Sorry.

Nozzled you, my friend. Totally got me.

That was in my nose.

You're an idiot. Oh yeah? You like it.

Get off... Watch it!

Where's Mom? And who's this gorgeous young hottie in the kitchen?

Why is she wearing Mom's bathrobe? What do you think of my new chin?

Is it better than last year's?

Behave yourselves. Look who's gracing us with their presence.

Who? Here, Dad.

It's a health shake. It helps me hit my physical peak.

Get the camera. He's gonna hit his peak.

Honey, do it in your room. Oh, Mom, you're so funny.

Steve? In the store in a half hour. Wear something nice. Emily's back.

As if he gives a flying rat's ass.

"Flying rat's ass..." That would be wild to see.

Steve, at the store in a half hour. Bring your dancing monkey brother.

Hey, are you from out of town? You have a local number?

Are you all right? Sure?

Finally. An hour and a half late. Steve, go dust the roses.

Idiot boy, go cover the cash register.

Idiot boy, go cover the cash register.

Hi. How are you paying for these? Cash, check or charge?

Charge. Okay.

Is this a Visa or a Mastercard? Move your thumb.

Good one. Okay.

Sure this is your card? It's not processing. I have to call it in.

Operator 238, please. Authorization. Card number?

What's up? I told you not to call anymore.

I need an approval. Card number?

Not the card, sweetness, me. Shut up and swipe it.

I can go for that.

You like that? Does that feel good? 'Cause I can swipe it all night.

The card's fine. Bye, Doug. Bye, 238.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi, Doug. Your nightclub's so cool. Can my model friends come in?

No. Yes. You're so funny and cute and tall.

Let's shake it.

What are you doing? You have to cut up my plants and make toys of them?

It's a club with a jungle theme. You're a jungle theme.

Go find your brother and load the trucks. Idiot... Useless!

Steve...? Don't look.

Hi, Steve. Hey, Doug. Whatever.

So, you're back from school, working for your dad at the lamp store?

I missed you. You said when I got back, we could get together.

Now I'm back, so we can get together.

You wanna go see a movie? Sure.

Or we could just drive around and make out. I love making out.

And I'm really good at it. Sounds good.

Back off, Chicklett. My brother and I, we live life in the fast lane.

That means no stop signs, no pulling over to take pictures.

See this man? He's my co-pilot on this magic carpet ride.

You're just way too much luggage. Shut up, Doug.

Emily? I see you've picked the right son.

You know, Steve likes you very much.

Mr. Butabi. Is Steve asking Emily to marry him again?

You know something? If they have enough children, - we won't have to hire salesmen.

Oh, Kamehl, you kill me. No, you kill me, Mr. Sanderson.

Can you please leave Steve alone? He likes the girl... Yes, you do!

You see this wall? After they get married, we'll combine stores - and have the first plant-lamp shop. Steve and Emily will run it.

Maybe you can clean the toilets. You're living on "Fantasy Island".

God, that was a sweet show. I have a fantasy.

That I have two capable sons. Not one with his head up his ass!

Is this how you load trucks? Disgusting. Get out of here.

So we're on a break? I guess.

You wanna crunch it? Sure. Let's crunch.

Can the rest of us use the mirror? Appreciate it.

Everyone's got an attitude here. Gentlemen! Looking large.

Want my power bar? How about an energy bar?

I got a muscle triplicator bar. Supplements aside...

How long have we been friends? All seven years of high school.

That's why I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I'm worried about your triceps.

You aren't going all the way down. I'm not seeing full extension.

We had a long talk about that the other night.

You just shouldn't cheat yourselves. Sorry to come down on you like this.

That's why we love you and hate you.

Still friends? You know it.

I'm glad we had this talk.

I had a great idea for the store...

The store? You're supposed to be thinking about... Hey, what's up?

Can we call you sometime? Want some of this?

Think about our future. You're Mount St. Helensing on me.

Why are you forgetting our plans?

The plans about you and I opening up only the coolest club a la the Roxbury.

How? We can't even get in. We're letting them not let us in.

But no more. It's time we step up into that sweet-ass world.

From now on, the only club we're going to is the Roxbury.

We can't... We can. You know why?

We're good looking? Very good looking. You especially.

Repeat after me: We can get into the Roxbury.

We can get into the Roxbury.


Hey, what's up? You want some of this? How about a little of that?

She starts to smell them. She thought they were real plants!

Hello? What's up?

The Sandersons are here to see your mother's new chin. Get dressed.

Sorry, we're a bit busy tonight. Steve? I'll be right back.

I like your bathing suit. You have really good muscle definition.

Most Americans don't wear revealing bathing suits. Very European of you.

It's really sexy and I have a really good taste in what's sexy.

Steve! Whatever, Emily.


What's going on...?

Are you from out of town...?

When I tell you to do something, I mean it. Never come in half-naked.

Put some clothes on and come down. Isn't on our things-to-do-list.

We have something to do tonight. Yes. To get downstairs.

I don't want to!

How do I get through to this individual?

Doug is like a fax machine.

Without a cover page, people don't know where it's coming from.

And sometimes you get a busy signal. That's why you got a redial button.

Actually, I always screw it up... Don't bother. He'll never understand.

I understand very well. You're going to a new, hot club tonight, right?

But how are you gonna get there? What are you doing?

You can take away our phones and our keys, but not our dreams.

'Cos we're, like, sleeping when we have them.

Later much!

Boys, wait. I don't like you leaving without a phone.

How old are these? How embarrassing.

You know, in case of emergency. Have fun.

Did Mom get lipstick on me? It looks like you were making out.

How's my hair? Roxbury-good? You know it.

I've got to tell you, Steve, tonight, I can taste it.

I can't taste it. I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do.

You're mad-cowing on me. Relax. I'm nervous.

It's this pressure to get in. You must take control of yourself.

No, you take control. I'm barely hanging on here.

Come on, relax. Think puppies and candy canes, all right?

Hey, hotlegs. What's going on? We'll clean it up later. Don't worry.

I see your Roxbury balloon and I hate to burst it, - but I don't think our names are on that list.

Perfect. "Rites of Passage".

Remember? A boy in the jungle with only a spear to hunt the lion.

This van is our spear. That Roxbury is our lion.

Does the bouncer know about this? He's about to find out.

See you next week.

My good hombre. Remember us? Doug and Steve Butabi.

You're brothers? No... Yes.

Man! Works every time.

Now I remember. You can't come in.

What's up, partner? How are you doing tonight?

Time to play a little softball.

Hey, good man. How's it going? Good. You still can't come in.

That's not what my friend told me. His name is Abraham.

You don't know him? What about his two friends?

George Washington and George Washington?

And George Washington is a little lonely. Wants to join his buddies.

And look who else we've got. Roosevelt, Roosevelt and Jefferson.

Thanks... Great.

Is that an ATM? That's where we drop off videos.

Hello, that's it. That was a card store.

That's just Weight Watchers... ATM. That's it.

Shit. The car. What about me?

This racing car is illegal. All I need is a police report.

Are you all right? Yeah, let me see.

Great. They're starting with the neck injuries. I'm screwed.

Jesus, man.

Sorry about your van. No way. Richard Grieco!

We saw you at the Roxbury. Right. So what do you want to do?

Go to the Roxbury again. We couldn't get in.

You want me to get you into the Roxbury? Great. Follow me.

Amazing. It all comes from within.

He felt it because he's an actor.

We gotta make a stop at the Roxbury. I just don't want a lawsuit.

Oh, my God, this is the most amazing place I've ever been.

This is the coatroom. The club's in there.

What's up...?

Get a hold of yourself. It's hottie overload in here.

Just pace yourself. What's up? Two, three, four.

What's up? Two, three, four...

Sweet! Sweet!

Richie, good to see you. Get over here.

The place is kicking. Jumping like "21 Jump Street".

Who are your friends?

Mr. Zadir owns the place. Doug Butabi.

You look like good boys. Come to my VIP table.

The owner. The man we want to be.

I thought we wanted to be Grieco. Professionally, it's this guy.

Dooey, my main man. I love this man. Meet the Butabi brothers.

These are good boys. Did you grab my ass?

No, sir. I did not grab your ass. It's okay if you did.

I understand. It's just that you're barking up the wrong tree.

You guys come here a lot? All the time.

But we've never been inside. Watch what you're saying.

So, is Johnny Depp meeting you here?


All right... Listen, Bennie, see you later. See you, guys.

See you, Richard Grieco. See you, Grieco's lady.

I'm honored to shoot the shit with the owner of the club of all clubs.

And we're proficient club hoppers. We usually go to the Mudd Club.

That place is rank. They let any asswad in the door.

I own that place also. It's a really good location, though.

No, you're right. One day you're hot, the next day you're not.

Actually, I had an idea for a club.

Wait. Did you grab my ass? No.

Do you want to? No. Should I?

Okay. Continue.

People waiting outside are bummed, 'cos they're trying to get in.

What if the outside of the club looked like the inside?

With couches and music and all that. But then on the inside...

...it looks like the street. You know, cars and signs.

The outside is the inside and the inside is the outside.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

What about that guy? Owns a restaurant. One.

Boy, has this place gone downhill. No one over six figures. Let's go.

Wait. That's that Zadir guy. Who are those guys with him?

If they're with Zadir, they've got to be worth something.

Great. Let's work.

Tell him about the vampire idea. That's a dumb idea.

I have to say hello to Jim Carrey.

Come here, you pet detective bastard.

"Smoking", you crazy son of a bitch.

Was I too pushy? Did I speak well? You were totally articulate.

It's hard to pitch in a nightclub. The music is way too loud in here.

We have to get a meeting. Steve...?

You want to dance? Yes.

All right. Take it easy. She said yes.

Hotties wanna shake it. Come on.

That's some good ass-grabbing going on there.

1980. Good year.

Excellent year. Devo had a huge hit.

And "Joanie Loves Chachi" started. Chachi gives a fuck about Joanie.

Cambi makes a good point. But tonight we have some fun.

Sweet suds, Mr. Zadir. But you know what makes a party?

Fluffy whip. But not putting it on stuff.

You press the little white nozzle and you suck on it. It's fun.

You mean, like, nitrous oxide? No. What is that?

Dooey, we have to stop and get some fluffy whip for the party.

Yes, sir. It has to be in a can.

He can't hear you.

Hey, Dooey, tell your mom I had a nice time last night.

And your dad. What?

I mean, your sister. Good one!

Only in a Limo. We nailed him.


And that alien was Robin Williams. I'll be right back.

It's my boss's card. I'll take care of that.

Operator 238, please. Hello, Doug.

Guess where we went tonight. The One-Stop Market on Ventura?

No, I mean before that, you sly, little credit vixen.

I give up, you nasty card-swiper.

The Roxbury. Come out some time. I would.

But then who would approve all the money you spend?

You're always thinking of me. The card's good. Bye, Doug.

She approved. Approved.

Sweet-ass dwelling, Mr. Zadir. It's a place to hang my hat.

Look. A hundred thousand dollar sound system, and nobody's dancing.

If I may congest, the pool is taking up the prime dancing real estate.

If you put glass over the pool, it would be like dancing on water.

And people love to do that. Let's not talk business now.

Let's set up a meeting.

Anna Nicole? Put something on. You're making us sick.


Let's mingle. Right.

This Italian food tastes so good. It's, like, Mexican.

Could you pass me a towel, please? Good. How are you?

They're right behind you. BMW... Vanilla, mostly.

There you are. We got scared.

Of who? We'll kick his ass. No.

We got scared somebody stole you away from us.

Oh, okay.

Like some other girls would steal us away...

Oh, right. Oh!

So, do you guys wanna go some place we can be alone?

No... Yes! Oh, man.

Why does it taste so sweet? 'Cos it's like candy.

These are real. They'll be dead in a week.

You know what I always thought would make a cool "Twilight Zone"?

Like, we see a picture of this lady, - but to this lady, are we just a picture of us? Ever think of that?


Why don't you come over here?

Vivica, you know what I heard when I first met you?


What are you doing? That's an ambulance.

Coming to take me away. The sight of you stopped my heart.

Cambi, do you like blueberries or strawberries?

I wanna know what kind of pancakes to order you in the morning.


I was wondering... What are you doing?

Checking your label. Just as I thought. Made in heaven.

Doug. You've gotten past the opening lines.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? What?

I could see myself in your pants.

If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

I was there. I was, like, "Emilio!" And Doug was going cra...

And Steve was, like, "Emilio!" Oh, God, if you were only there.

I feel like a selfish pig, going on about myself. What about you?

Where are you from? Any brothers or sisters? Any family?

Pets, what about pets? I got a cat.

Really? A cat? Interesting.

I think of you more as a dog person. Maybe a Pomeranian. Lhasa Apso.

Something small, warm, fuzzy...

Is this your first time?

Yes. Isn't it yours?

Is this your first time? What?

Are you serious? Oh, you're hilarious.

Oh, man. You're funny. Hey, Steve? You're a funny girl.

All right. Hey, where are you going?

Oh, my God. Did you just? 'Cos I just...

Not that it hasn't happened before. It was okay.

I'm gonna go back in and...

Hey, Steve? Yeah, Doug?

You got a number. We got a number.

I got some great office supplies for our new nightclub business.

Post-It notes to annotate important documents.

Little ones. You write smaller than me. Mugs with our names on them.

Yours say Doug. Did you call Mr. Zadir?

Before you talk to a man like Mr. Zadir, you have to have a plan of attack.

I'd like to schedule a meeting. Can you do... 12:30?

Let me see.

I'm clear. You know what?

Let's have a pre-meeting to brainstorm before our meeting.

Yeah, that way we don't look like idiots at our meeting.

I'm sorry. Register's closed. Sorry.

Mr. Butabi, where's the other cash register?

Steve? I was just thinking. Dad would be really proud of us right now.

What are you idiots doing? I pay you to take money and push a button.

Are your delicate fingers injured?

We're working our asses off. Our week's filling up quick.

We've made important business contacts.

Dancing the Macarena with Donald Trump?

You're always telling us to do something with our lives.

You never support us or care about what's important to us, right?

Yeah... for the most part. Even your brother isn't convinced.

Why? He uses his brain, unlike you. You're a loser! New policy.

No more clubs. Yes! Your life is retail.

Go clean the stockroom. You know what?

Not only will we not clean out the stockroom, we're out of here!

What about the stockroom?

We don't need you. We made huge-ass contacts last night.

Plus we met these girls, Dad.

We'll make it without you. You'll see.

I'll see when you come home, begging for food and shelter. Morons!

Steve? You're an ass, Doug. You want to go to the beach later?

I know a beach where you don't have to wear a bathing suit.

Plus with my milky white skin... This is a major family crisis.

I have to take a rain check on this convo.

Nice bulbs, Emily. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

Just give me a call if you wanna go out. Or just call me anyway.

You notice we forgot to ask her something. That's weird.

We're in serious relationships right now, and our ladies can trust us.

Why go out for burgers, when you got steak at home?

Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

Doug and Steve Butabi. You're brothers?

We can't get into that right now. Your names are not on the list.

We have a meeting.

Doug, Mr. Zadir! Security.

Dooey... Yeah. Up top. Main man.

Raging party last night. Is that what my mother told you?

What? The fluffy whip was a big hit.

I was sent out looking for more. You, sir, are a party animal.

It's been great spending quality time, but we're meeting Mr. Zadir.

Zadir was drunk last night. He doesn't even remember you.

You think you're the first losers I've had to get rid of on a Monday?

Are we being blown off? Actually, you're being kicked out.

That doesn't feel good at all...

What's going on? Just some trespassers.

And the boys from last night? I haven't located them yet.

Dooey, did you just grab my ass?

From where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibility.

I know your tricks, Dooey.

Maybe we should just go back to work.

Maybe we should go to college, not put gel in our hair and wear jeans!

Let's do that, Steve! Sorry.

Cambi's number.

We had a pretty sweet time, right? Sweet-ass time.

Diabetic. I could see us doing that again.

Maybe even a couple of times a week.

The ladies await, my friend. Cell.

So you do travel to places other than Japan.

These hotties are sweet. Sweet ass sweet.

Who is it? Just a bunch of pound signs.

Are you doing it right? You have to hit the pound sign.

You have to put in our number and then hit the pound sign.

Excuse me, Bill Nye, the science guy.

That's a sweet show, too.

Cambi, it's your boyfriend. Look, I need to see you.

I'm at the Skybar. We'll be right there.

Nice. I was focused the whole time.

Did you have a good time last night?

I had a great time. I think we've reached a point - where I can call you Viv and leave out the "ica".

You wanna hang out or do what we did last night?

Or eat, then do what we did? Sounds good.

Have your boarding passes ready. You'll have to check your bag.

The movie on this flight will be... I can't think of any more.

Where's your car? Our dad got mad, took it away.

We used to work for him, but we quit today. Actually, we're unemployed.

You don't work with Mr. Zadir? We just met him last night.

We will be. So no, but yes. If we ever get to see him again.

You don't need boarding passes. Get away from us.

You guys are a big waste of time. Como what?

Steve, you're a jerkoff. I'm glad you shared that with me.

It's a big step for both of us. Consider last night a favor.

Now do us a favor. Never talk to us again!

What did we do? We'll change. You can't change.

You are ugly, pathetic losers.

I can't believe we actually had sex with these asswads!

That's the problem. Poor schmucks look just the same as rich schmucks.

No... Yes... This is the worst day of my life.

I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk to me right now.

I don't know how to respond to that.

Big surprise. You don't know how to work the clubs, talk to the ladies.

You only know how to ask me how to do everything!

That's why everything has gone wrong. You're holding me back.

You're like this thing tied to my leg, this dragging thing on a chain.

A lead weight? Yes, thank you. But not anymore!

Nothing. That's all. Nothing.

You can't blame me. Today was just a series of random events gone awry.

Maybe they wouldn't go awry if I had someone next to me with a brain!

You know what? Dad was right. You are a loser.

You know what, Steve? I lied. You're not good looking.

Did you say something? I can't hear things from that low to the ground.

Consider me your ex-brother. I don't care.

Care about this? You want the real thing?

Do you want...? Stop talking to me.

Fine. My pleasure.

Little Post-Its, you little idiot.

Get out, 'cos I hate you.

You should take a lesson from it. Grieco.

You'll be very happy with these. How long do they last?

They last forever. They're silk. They'll always be in bloom.

They'll never die, never change. Never say you're not good looking.

They'll always be in your room, not suddenly move to the guest house.

Something has come up. Excuse me.

All the customers are depressed. It's just that I miss Doug.

He's in the guest house. It's a mansion. There's no cable.

Yes, there is. They have Cinemax. But there's no HBO. God!

Feel it right here. Squeeze. Hey, Steve.

I heard about your brother.

So when are we gonna go out? I know a place with spinach wraps.

I know you've had you heart set on this, but the truth is, I'm a rebel.

You're like this sweet-girl-from-next-door type.

I go to college. Translation: Drunken orgies with occasional Cliff notes.

It sounds good, but I just got out of this very serious relationship.

I have to nurse my emotional wounds.

That could take till... Saturday.

That's perfect. Your dad got us tickets for David Copperfield this Saturday.

It's gonna be so much fun to see things appear and disappear.

I'll see you.

Oh, man. Great glutes. I don't care.

That's expensive. Gotta go.

Who decorates like this? Steve, come on.

"Business. Human Relationships in Management."

"Covers the development of..."

Here's one. "Business Computer Systems." That's a good one.

Machines are Doug's thing. I'm more of a people person.

A business man must have knowledge of computers. Come on.

Here's another one. "Venture Management."

Gosh, Emily, school? I'll have to read, and homework...

Teachers saying: "Would you share that with the rest of the class?"

Do you want me to be less horny?

No, that wouldn't be good. Look, here's what we do.

First, we combine the stores, okay? Then we can add the furniture.

Recliners and sofa beds...

And end tables and... Chairs.

Oh, yes, chairs. Ottomans.

Yes, ottomans. We're gonna be bigger than Ikea... Home Depot.


I think we're moving way too fast. You're talking like we're married.

Oh, Steve. You just made me so happy.

What? No, I don't mean that.

It's just that I don't...


Doug, if I'm not mistaken, this place has got it going on!

I owe you big time for inviting me.

Who wants to dance? I call this one the sprinkler.

You think it would be okay to wear this to your brother's wedding?

Your brother's wedding, man. What are you gonna wear?

You have to hand it to Steve. That Emily is the perfect woman.

Strong legs, tight stomach, positive mental attitude...

She can really keep you on track. Shut up...! Idiot.

Just because you and your brother are having problems, - that's no reason to refer to my intellect in a diminutive manner.

I'm sorry. It's just...

Can we not talk about my brother for a second?

10-4. Boundary set. Thank you.

I'm having a hell of a time.

At this moment, I want to make a toast to Steve and Emily, - who after tomorrow will be Mr. and Mrs. Steven Butabi.

Emily Sanderson-Butabi. Whoever.

I would like to thank my parents, who came in all the way from Maine.

Despite Mom's sciatica. Terrific, sir.

And the Butabis, who came in all the way from Yayman.

Yemen. And that's not the only union.

We got a new lamp-plant store. Plant-lamp store. Much better.

Seriously, it sounds better. Steve?

You want to make a toast?

I think you should make a toast. All the men are making toasts.

Okay, I just want to say, "What's up, Grandma, Grandpa?"

And to the other two old people, "What's up?"

Yeah, you. Very nice.

Steve is thrilled that this family's coming together.

I'd like to show you some of our business plans for after the merger.

Dad? Is there any way we can cancel this whole thing?

Yes... No! That is so funny.

But it's like Emily turned out to be this whole different other person.

Let me explain something.

The caterer has been paid. Your grandparents came.

All men are nervous the night before their wedding.

All guys are nervous and kind of hope she eats a can of botulism?

She could hang out with a deer and accidentally be shot by a hunter.

You know, when she's sleeping she makes that nose whistle sound, - and you want to ram her toothbrush up her nostril into her skull.

These are perfectly normal feelings.

Doug, are you there? It's Steve.

Hi, you've reached Doug Butabi. I'm outside living it up.

Unlike my pussywhipped brother - who's too busy throwing his life away for Emily. Beep.

Doug? Sorry I missed you. I guess I'm getting married - and I'm just wondering if you wanted to be my best man.

Give me a call or page me.

I'm in our room still across from the pool.

See you.

Let's go over this one more time. I know my duties as best man.

I walk down the aisle. I stand next to you.

I settle interwedding skirmishes. No, no...

You're the best man. Not the wedding bouncer. You just back me up.

Like, if things get too heavy, I step in like a spotter.

Yeah, right. Thanks, man.

Let's go. We're ready, let's go.

Do you want your kid blessed or not?

Richard Grieco. You know Steve? I just don't want to be sued.

No, listen to me. You can't get your kid confirmed for less than $150.

You want your kid blessed, you call me.

Dad, I didn't have a bachelor party. That's a major part of a wedding.

So could we delay a couple of hours so that we could go to a strip club?

I have to go. Leave me a message.

Hey... Steve getting married. You're the man!

Shut up, Craig. I'm walking down the aisle, you dick!

I told you to wear white. Grandma, get off the phone.

Dearly beloved. We're gathered here today to join...

Did we already start? Oh.

I thought there was supposed to be a buzzer or a whistle or something.

...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

But first I understand the bride and groom have each prepared something.

"Dear Steve. They say if you set something free and it comes back - you should love it forever. Like one of your silk plants, -

I'll try to stay beautiful. I know our lives together will be great."

"Just like when we saw David Copperfield on our first date."

"Love Emily."

"I used to see you outside my father's store - and then we went on some dates and you let me have sex with you."

Oh, I'm done.

If anyone has reason to believe that this man or woman - should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.

What's up? From out of town? Don't hit on the bridesmaid.

It's your wedding. Wait till after the ceremony.

Do you promise to love Emily for as long as you both shall live?

My dad already paid the caterer.

Do you promise to love Steven for as long as you both shall live?

Steven, repeat after me. After me.

With this ring, I thee wed. With this ring, I thee wed.

Now, Emily.

With this ring...


What the hell's he doing here? Make him stop.

Turn that music off!

You know what I paid for this wedding?

Don't do that with your head. That's so dumb!

Mr. Butabi, I can't... Keep going. You want to get paid?

You're out of my will! I told you he was a jerk!

Emily... Sorry. I'm not ready yet.

Steve, stop! Nice poem, though. Sorry, Dad.

Steve, come back here! Don't you leave me. I'm not kidding.

Mr. Butabi, as an actor and observer of human nature, I can tell you - that your son is not ready for this sort of commitment.

Hello. Hey.

Go ahead, Father. What are you doing?

Emily, Steve's discipline is lacking as is his appreciation for you.

Now, I can bench press 305 pound, and my body fat is less than 2%.

I am a professional trainer. I also hope to market my own protein bar.

Plus, I've always loved you.

Okay. But we should look into infomercials.

This is a completely new fee. Cool? Yeah.

Okay. Dearly beloved, we're gathered here again today...

Also, I took Craig clubbing.

That was all right.

Plus I rented a lot of videos. I didn't do much else.

Look, Steve...

I'm sorry. I said a lot of bad things before.

I've been thinking... You're my brother.

We're brothers, and when we're together...

I just...

You don't drag me down.

I drag me down.

And you...

You complete me.

Shut up. What?

Just shut up. You had me at "hello".

It seems to me, you're a bit harder on Doug than you are on Steve.

It's true. It's just that Doug is so rebellious. I can't control him.

But rebellious, scrappy, dreamer...

What other young man does that remind you of?

Myself as a kid. So who are you really fighting with?

Mr. Grieco... You see right through me.

I missed this car. I look good in it.

And you look good also.

Thanks. Glad you moved back into the room.

Dad was cool about the wedding after his chat with Grieco.

And it really improved your relationship with him.

Is that an outside nightclub? That's your idea.

Pull over. Let's check it out.

We only let people in on the list. We're on the list.

Steve and Doug Butabi. Step right in.

Go right in. I guess we should go in then.

We're gonna go in. We're going in.

I can't believe we got in. Sure it wasn't a mistake?

It's weird to be in here. But they stole your idea.

Butabis? I've been looking all over for you. Come here!

Mr. Zadir! How do you like our club?

Our club? I cut you in. It was your idea.

Sweet ass sweet. Running a club is hard work.

Don't worry about it. We're workaholics.

Dooey just called from Pismo Beach. He says he didn't grab your ass.

What is he up to now?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Let's do some business. All right.

Put some cherries on that. Nice call.

Mr. Butabi, can you approve this? That looks fine and all that.

Hi, Mr. Barntabi. It's Butabi, but that's okay.

How's the hair? Successful-club-owner good?

That voice sounds so familiar.

Are you...? Doug?

Credit vixen? My God, I can't believe this.

You're even more beautiful than you sound.

You stopped calling. Not because I didn't want to.

Am I what you expected?

I totally approve.

You're not here with anyone? Just my friend.

Hottie police officer?

I was really looking forward to meeting you in court on June 6th.

So, do you guys wanna dance? No.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I love this song. I'm getting kind of sick of it.