A Raunchy Christmas Story (2018) Script

Welcome back and a big thanks to DJ Big Tony for playing his hits.

I'm your host Becks, it's the title of the show and also my name.

So Dave before the break we were discussing your impressive career as a stand up comedian, philanthropist, ladies man.

Well I am very blessed Becks, not everyone is born with the raw talent and the bewildering feral good looks like me.

So Dave, in your autobiography, The Four Pillars of Comedy the Dave McGinty Story, you not only touch on the deep affect humor has to the human brain but also your double life as a spy for the US government?

Hey now, that's top secret Becks.

You have a chapter entitled Martinis, Bullets and Broads, My Life as a Spy for the US Government.

Well you got me on that one.

Dave!

Well there lady killer, can't even keep the fan girls away.

Wanna take me out for drinks and hot wings?

Well, actually my lady, I have a girlfriend.

I'm in the mood for mozzarella sticks.

Uh okay.

So tell me Dave, why comedy?

Well Becks, you know, we think that comedy is all about having a laugh, couple jokes here and there, but the job of a comic, it's really, it's really about the stability of an entire society and really when you get down to it, it's all that I'm, it's all that I'm good at.

And you are good at it.

Well, yeah, yeah of course.

So tell me Dave when was the last time you had sex?

Excuse me?

What is going on?

No, no, no.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my, oh.

Oh, those are cute though.

Hello?

Dave it's me Becks, where are you?

What? Becks?

You were supposed to be at the club an hour ago.

But I've been stalling Byron I can only save him in the bathroom for so long so if he asks our story is you gorged yourself on Applebee's street tacos last night, get here as soon as possible and try to look a little dehydrated.

Okay, cool, happy holidays and get here soon please, bye.

Okay.

Oh God.

Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

It's the--

No, no, no, but for real, I'll never have a soft boiled egg again.

So, up next is our old buddy Dave, everybody give it up for Dave!

Hey everybody, thank you so much.

So, contrary to popular belief, the best thing about Hitler is not his mustache.

But in fact, it is, it's Eva, Eva Braun, his girlfriend.

Do you think that Hitler ever actually referred to Eva Braun as his girlfriend?

I mean, look, he's having a meeting, he's discussing more efficient methods of gypsy eradication with Himmler and Goebbels and then Eva walks in and he says, "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Eva, "she's a real firecracker.

"She makes a mean spritzkuchen and she can bend herself

"in half backwards."

Um...

Yeah, so uh, I have a girlfriend.

Well, she can't bend herself in half backwards, but she does make a mean streuselkuchen, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So, I was talking about Hitler.

Bring back Becks!

So the thing about the Rag Shag fire.

Alright, so that was Dave McGinty everybody.

Everyone give it up for Dave.

And of course you know me, your host Becks.

But seriously folks, what's with Twitter lately?

Am I right?

I mean, really.

This guy gets it, right?

What kind of name do you have?

Brian? Right?

No but seriously folks, you guys are great.

Except for you.

What kinda hat is that?

Get that at a hat store?

Sorry, I'm just teasing.

I was kidding.

It's me Becks, it's Becks, right?

Oh, you guys are great.

Oh, yeah hey, hey Byron, what's up?

Hey Dave.

You sucked ass balls tonight.

Ass balls?

Ya know, ass balls, like ass, a donkey, you sucked donkey testicles.

Right.

So basically normal.

Great.

And another thing.

Someone threw up Fireball all over the women's restroom, so you gotta clean it up because Lilly is allergic to cinnamon.

I'm allergic to cinnamon.

Um...

Come on Byron.

Hey, hey, hey, we take the ADA very seriously here at Yuks Yuks and not cleaning up Fireball vomit is a reasonable accommodation.

So, get accommodated.

Yes sir, I'll get right to it.

Oh Byron.

I'd like to sign up for the amateur night on Thursday, if that's OK.

Whatever, it's your testicles.

Hey roomy.

Guess what I did today.

What did you do, Upchuck?

I got a pet.

What? Why?

It was free. I named him Pubes.

Doug, have you seen this?

Oh sweet.

Um, I don't think Pubes was purchased from a licensed pet store.

Hey, you leave Pubes alone.

Took me six hours to catch him.

Didn't it, Pubes?

David, I feel like we have more pressing issues than Upcharles' new rodent.

I noticed you didn't put your half of the rent in the rent mug.

Yeah well, I have been meaning to talk to you about that actually.

Whoa, whoa.

Feel like a lot of tension here.

I think I'd like to keep the conversation a little productive.

Maybe we could use some I feel statements, OK?

I'll start.

I feel like you didn't put your half of the rent in the rent mug.

Well Doug, I feel that I shouldn't have to pay half because Upchuck lives here too.

Upcharles almost died, David.

He walked right up to the gaping mall of death, looked it in the face.

Because of this, he is now disabled.

I'm disabled.

He is not!

He's living off a car injury settlement like some daytime TV loser.

How dare you.

Yeah, you play video games all day.

David, rent bowl, tomorrow.

Good talk.

Hey guys, look, Pubes in my pants playing.

Hi, my name is Big Tony.

What do you call a pig who does karate?

A pork chop.

Where do they go to dance?

A meat bowl.

How does he do it?

So school education falling behind.

Why did student eat homework?

Teacher told him piece of cake.

Did you hear the one about the rebel's secrets?

What do you want, Dave?

Hi Lambkin.

Lambkin? What is that, some kind of furry thing?

Um, it's Shakespeare, I think, but anyway, thanks for calling me.

Well after 37 test messages, I thought I should.

That's getting a little high maintenance.

I miss you.

I'm so excited for next weekend.

What's this weekend?

I thought, well, you're driving in from Colorado.

Oh, uh...

Sorry, I can't come.

Work stuff.

Hey sweetie, hey baby, hey sweetie.

I got low blood sugar.

Who's that?

That's my brother, Hank.

You have a brother?

Yeah, his name is Hank.

Um...

Hey baby.

Just a second.

I'm coming.

Hi Hank!

Dave, I gotta go but, hey, I'm getting my head shots redone this month, so I'm gonna need an extra 100 from you.

OK.

Love you, Dave.

You're the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life, bye!

So, before my cousin got disappeared, he played tennis like this.

Hi Becks! Here.

Hi Dave.

Hey listen, I've got a few ideas.

I was hoping I could workshop those with you.

Sure.

OK so, I've been meaning to make some changes to my Hitler routine.

Didn't really get as many laughs as I wanted last night.

I can't imagine why.

Uh yeah, I've been doing some research about Eva Braun Hitler.

They had a dog!

I'm not sure expanding the Hitler bit is the way to go, Dave.

Becks, there's four pillars of comedy.

Slapstick, farce, satire, and then ya got Hitler.

While there's a case to be made, Dave, you need to relax, forget the Hitler bit, gettin' too intense, relax.

Yeah, OK.

OK, I'll just relax.

Just gotta relax, just relax!

I just gotta relax, right? Dear God, short circuit.

You're gonna overheat.

Listen! Humor is not a science, it's an art.

It comes from uh...

within.

Yeah OK, says the girl who won Hayesville's Little Miss Charmer Pageant by accident when she got lost at the carnival and just wandered on stage.

Ya know, your midichlorian count is off the chart.

I don't have the gifts that you have.

I put the work in.

I do. OK, sure.

Who was that?

Bethany, no, Brenda!

Uh, Bethany, definitely Bethany.

OK, I thought you didn't go out last night.

We met at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart?

So, are you a famous comedian too?

Oh yeah, well no, I'm Dave.

Dave is struggling with his act and came over for some advice.

OK, I wouldn't say struggling.

Hey, I have a joke for your failing act.

Do you wanna hear it?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

So, when I was in college, I was in a band and it was called The Hermeneutic of Discontinuity, but we had to change it to The Hermeneutic of Continuity because the other way was like, way too depressing.

I don't get it.

What's a Hermeneutic?

So, a Hermeneutic is a systematic way of looking at things.

See, there's like two different schools of thought when it comes to the history of the church.

One, that the traditions have continued unchanged from the beginning to now and the other is that at some point, there was a break in continuity and so the church was lost along the way, so you can see why it's funny and depressing.

Uh yeah, OK.

I guess it's a theologians joke.

It was funny in seminary.

I love it.

So wait, what do you do?

I'm a youth minister.

Really?

Unitarian, Dave.

Yeah, yeah, that makes more sense.

And boy, was I converted last night!

Creature in the streets, sinner in the sheets, am I right?

More like Monophysite in the streets and Abyssinia in the sheets.

Sure.

Dave here is also having trouble in the romance department.

Becks.

Dave, it's OK if you have a small penis.

It really is.

I once rode a beenie weenie like a cowgirl all the way into the sunset.

Yeehaw!

No, listen, I don't have a, that--

Nah, he just has a lousy long distance girlfriend who thinks Skype sex is porn-y.

She also says old timers instead of Alzheimer's.

OK, she did that twice.

One was at your grandmother's funeral.

Yeah, it was appropriate in context.

She also says that bopping the bologna is the same thing as cheating, so Dave here has been living like a Mormon missionary for the past six months.

I caught him caressing a Mrs. Butterworth bottle in a very suggestive way the other day.

It made an awkward breakfast.

OK, you know that I have a deep affection for maple syrup.

Who doesn't?

Dave, remember when you were five years old and you'd play naked in the sandbox?

You got that grain of sand lodged in your wee wee?

Yeah, I remember.

I wish you wouldn't talk about that so often.

Remember how your wee wee hurt so bad but you didn't wanna tell your Mom?

You remember that, Dave?

Yeah.

Can you stop saying wee wee?

And remember what I said?

I said, "Dave, you gotta tell your Mom

"about the sand in your wee wee

"so the doctor can get it out."

Remember that Dave?

Yeah.

And what happened? You listened to me.

You listened to my advice.

And the doctor fixed your wee wee.

Is there a point to this story?

The point is, Dave, that since that day, I have developed a sense of personal responsibility for the well-being of your wee wee.

You know, we adult males prefer the term penis.

Well, sorry, I'm protective of your penis, Dave, but I think Sarah is bad for the little fella.

There, I've said it and I'd say it again.

I mean, you can't even fly the bishop occasionally.

I mean, come on, I'm at a loss for words.

Oh jeez, you know, I know you look out for me and you always have, but, Sarah is just so far out of my league and ya know, I know she's a little moody sometimes but, isn't that how all women are?

Shrieking banshees?

You know, sometimes, I do wail outside of Mrs. Fernelli's apartment.

Sorry, that's completely unrelated.

You know, girls just wanna have fun.

This Red Bull?

Yeah.

Shots, shots, shots!

It's so cool that Yuk's let you take home alcohol.

I love bachelor parties!

Perrier, woo!

Me too, I can't wait til we go to the bar.

Hey, I made cinnamon toast friend shots.

I'm allergic to cinnamon.

I could sue you for attempting murder.

I would not attempt murder, my bestie!

How dare you!

So sorry I'm late.

Allison!

It's Lilly's turn to be married this week.

I'm marrying a Hungarian prince and I'm looking for one last fling.

Bring on the boys!

Sit down, biatch.

Um, sure biatch, but I have to use the little girls room first.

Do you have any ginger ale?

Or a shot of 151?

Yes! Yes, bitch!

Just looking at her breaks my heart.

It's not her fault she looks so homely.

It's bad genetics and the wrathful hand of God.

Oh, I mean, it's been almost exactly one year since the incident.

Oh my gee, what incident?

So, she told me her boyfriend broke up with her last Christmas and immediately was gorged to death by an escaped bull.

Oh my God.

Why'd he break up with her?

I mean, besides the obvious?

I guess being average looking on the inside isn't enough.

For some people, it is, mostly poors.

It's not their fault, poor filthy saps.

You know her cat, Cocoa?

So cute.

He's not even rescued.

That's an offense equal to genocide!

I know.

So cute.

So cute.

So cute.

Tell Brian he has to move back the deadline.

I'm really onto something now and I think these girls have finally accepted me as one of their own.

I need more time.

Ugh, it's Allison!

Put me in your contacts!

I just feel so bad.

People being alone and unattractive.

What can we do, Jane?

I mean, we're not magic.

Lilly! We could get her a Christmas boyfriend!

Oh em gee, I've been trying to break into charity work for so long, but every time I go down to the soup kitchen, it's like hella surrounded by homeless people.

That's exactly what she needs, a pure connection with another human being.

What? She needs dick?

A big old honkin' johnson?

Size doesn't matter.

What matters is bad vision and a lack of self respect.

I bet.

I bet!

That's fire.

Belinda's pool party is gonna be fire.

So, anybody in here watch Judge Judy?

What about you?

You look divorced.

Oh hey, Sarah.

Make your good lucks and break a legs quick.

I'm going on stage in a couple minutes.

You're charging me $50 as a consultation fee just to taste the cake?

You realize I'm going to buy an entire cake from you and I still have to pay just to decide which shitty cake I want?

Sarah?

Dave, hey, I have to make this quick.

Two things.

First, I changed the Netflix password.

I just don't like the idea of you being able to see every single movie that I watch.

It feels like an invasion of privacy.

You changed my Netflix password?

Second, I think we should stop doing this.

This?

Dating?

Well, I don't--

I'm breaking up with you, Dave.

I think we should start seeing and sleeping with other people, well I will.

You can keep doing your dungeons and dalmations.

But darling, sugar, sweet stuff, happy dust--

You're just using other words for cocaine.

You're my cocaine, I love you!

Ugh, gross.

Dave, I'm a lady, and when someone comes around and puts a $10,000 hunk of rock on my finger, I don't exactly need my minute man from Kansas anymore.

Wow, that's beautiful.

Did your Gaga leave that for you?

Red velvet.

It's chocolate with food coloring.

It's not that hard to figure out.

Oh, you look beautiful baby.

Thanks baby.

Hank?

Wait, are you marrying your brother?

Is that even legal in Colorado?

Anyway, thanks for everything, Dave.

Never call me again.

Well, maybe we can talk through this.

Goodbye Dave.

So, you ever like, put on a turtleneck and you're like, damn it!

Alright, that's the end of my set, everybody.

I'm Becks.

Up next is our old buddy Dave.

So uh, Hitler.

You know, the best thing about Hitler wasn't his mustache, but his girlfriend.

You ever think Hitler was like, "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Eva.

"She can bend really, really far."

They had a dog.

So, I was in a band in college.

We were called the Hermeneutic of Discontinuity and then we changed it to the Hermeneutic of Continuity because we thought the other one was just too depressing.

What?

Um, well, you see, there's two things in the church history.

What is happening?

Get off the stage!

Oh, like you're so funny!

Who's that?

Oh let me guess, it's your sister?

You guys should move to Colorado.

Can I top you off?

No, you may not take your top off!

I'm sorry, I misheard you.

Uh, don't let me interrupt.

I don't wanna stop you from doing what makes you happy.

So, go pour your drinks, carry your trays, go have sex with Hank in Boulder, Colorado.

What do you got against Colorado?

Well Edith, oh, may I call you Edith?

What I have against Colorado is that it is the flaky scab of the whole United States.

It is where evil people live and where relationships go to die!

I don't really write any of my sets.

I think they're just coming and I don't know how I do it, really.

That is so cool.

You know, I'm having a Christmas party this Friday.

You should totally come.

A Christmas party?

I make a really great homemade eggnog with yak's milk and hand ground cinnamon.

That sounds great Byron, you should email me the recipe.

Did you see my set?

Uh no, I was talking to Ariella here.

It was the worst five minutes of my entire life.

It was terrible.

Well, it was the second worst.

Dave, I've just been informed that that elderly patron whose business you were all up in, well we will never be getting her business again.

You wanna know why?

Because she complained and stormed out.

She's mad?

No, she's dead, Dave.

Heart attack.

You're fired.

Byron!

But before you go, I need you to scrape the tampons off the ladies restroom walls.

I deserve that.

See you in two.

Dave!


Wearing a hole in my floor will not make life any better.

What life?

Ya know?

Everything has turned to dust.

Hey, do you have any sackcloth?

You know, they're always talking about sackcloth in the nasty bits of the bible?

Ew, you read the bible?

Yeah.

Oh, this is Brandy.

Brittney.

Brittney, we met last night.

She was dumpster diving behind my whole booth.

Jesus!

Don't be a dick.

I am having an existential crisis right now.

You know, I need some council.

Becks.

Whatever you can say to me, you can say in front of Bettany.

Brittney.

Brittney, so let's start wrestling with your issues.

What is it that you need, Dave?

Well, first of all, a less sympathetic ear, ya know?

Maybe a little human intimacy?

Someone to make a connection with?

You need to get laid.

No, it's more than that.

You need a kickstart to get you outta this slump.

You need an existential blow to your loins.

You need a girlfriend.

No, no, I'm terrible at talking to girls.

You know the only reason I chatted up Sarah was because we were trapped in an elevator.

Well that's it then.

We can just disable an elevator.

Or we could have a party.

That's it, my Christmas party.

I can simply lose any invitation that isn't for a conventionally attractive young woman with loose morals.

You're a Gemini right?

I think so.

How do you know that?

Ah, this is perfect.

You have to have this party tomorrow night.

The stars will be aligned.

Engage in coitous as the midnight hour strikes.

Tomorrow night?

I need a little more time to heal.

Ya know, I'm not exactly Ric Flair in the wooing department.

There's gonna be alcohol there, Dave.

Everyone's more charming after a couple drinks.

Bring that VHS of the Russian comedian guy that you're in love with.

I'm terrible at parties and it's the last known recording of him in existence.

So I don't really just whip it out all willy nilly.

Come to the party, Dave.

Drink a little.

You'll have some fun and if you meet the love of your life and make me the best woman at your wedding, this is a plus.

It takes me hours to get comfortable.

I forget how to stand.

I just ugh, I can't.

You need to let loose, alright?

You're too careful.

You play it too safe.

You need to wake up naked in the Home Depot parking lot covered in mustard.

Been there.

Thanks.

You're coming and you're bringing your best quips with you.

You're smart, funny, handsome, you can recite all of Ghostbusters by heart.

Yeah, do you think my photographic memory will help me win some ladies?

It has to eventually, right?

Come to the party Dave.

I don't know, I'll think about it.

You'll do it!

Fine, let me go so I can go to the bathroom.

I have a plan, slightly extreme.

This man needs an extreme plan.

Our goal is to keep the maximum number of supple young women with promiscuous tendencies at this party location for as long as possible.

To do this, we one, we move your car, take it to the mall, say it's at the shop.

We cannot have an alternative means of escape.

We can do a sweet and roll over the hood.

Two, cut off all the communication the cell phone.

I'll bring mine from home.

Three, we disable any means of transportation.

While you distract them with an engaging tale of misadventure, I'll sneak out and render their cars non-functional.

We can make out in the back seat.

Four, ensure the weather is inhospitable for them to walk out.

I'll use my cult knowledge to summon the snow goddess, Chione.

Five, Dave uses his latent charms and best quips to get the girl and fulfill his destiny.

I like it.

So, what's up?

Nothing, the party of your life.

I gotta make some calls.

You didn't wash your hands.

Sorry.


I feel like I've been scraped at the bottom of a shit farm.

I just don't understand.

I called 37 guys last night.

None of them will take Allison out.

I've tried Tindr, Grinder, Snapchat, OK Cupid, Eharmony, FarmersOnly.com.

I called all my ex boyfriends, all of my old teachers, that one blind guy, and nothing, no luck.

We need a miracle.

Hello?

Hello?

Lilly!

Oh, hi Becks, what's up?

Lilly, I need you.

Well, it's always fun to check different waters from time to time.

When do you want me over?

Well that's excellent information to know, but the purpose of my call entails your long list of cute straight girl contacts.

What?

I'm having a party tomorrow night.

You and your friends can come.

Becks, you know how I feel about parties.

Right, you know how to party.

You know, they still haven't found that guy?

Anyway, I know this is last minute, but do you think you can round up some cute girls for tomorrow night?

I got over-excited and ordered over $100 of smoked salmon, so the date's pretty set.

Well that sounds really fun and all.

Is this gonna be an Ellen and Portia party?

A what now?

Are we gonna be listening to Tegan and Sara?

Would Kristen Stewart feel at home there?

I don't understand.

Is this going to be a matoesque soiree?

Huh?

Will there be dicks there, biatch?

Oh yes!

Buckets of cute boys!

That sounds like so much fun.

Is it OK if I invite my ugly friend?

Sure, but not too many.

Sounds great!

This is gonna be a great party.

And now Ted, my ex-wife is trying her hand at being a standup comedian.

So speaking of things that aren't funny, this snow is certainly ruining a lot of commuter's day.

Recorded snowfall is blanketed throughout the area.


I brought egg salad.

Right, it's almost party time.

We feeling ready, feeling good?

Yeah, I'm ready, I guess.

I have all my supplies.

Should we synchronize our watches?

What are you talking about?

She means party supplies.

You know, corn chips, alcohol, Barry Manilow records, the works.

Whose house is this?

Is this your house, Brittney?

It is now.

That's not important Dave.

What's important is that we have a good time, cray it up, as I think the young people say.

This is exactly what you need.

And honestly, the less we know, the less our legal liability.

Becks.

This is what you need and I'm gonna give it to you good and hard.

You take it like a man who takes things well.

Do things that are legal in every state.

Chug a bottle of sangria, jaywalk, kick a baby, kick out a jams tonight, you need to live it!

Say it with me, I need to live it!

I need to live it.

I need to live it!

I will live it.

Live it!

I have to live it.

Live it!

Live it!

Live it.

Kill it!

Like millennials are killing Applebee's.

OK quiet, we don't want them to think we're crazy.

Remember Dave, the labe is a jealous God.

The what?

A jealous God.

Who said jager bombs?

You invited Upchuck?

I love this guy!

Ho ho ho, my dude.

How are you feeling?

I'm on a strict diet of Percocet, Red Bull, and Bartons, a lot of Bartons.

Well, thank you for at least wearing a shirt.

Thanks, it's my sisters.

I think it fits pretty nice.

Hey!

Jane, I haven't seen you since well, on the news.

That explosion was not my fault.

We were trying to invent a new self-baking bread.

Thomas Edison wasn't appreciated in his time either.

Right, so introductions, Dave, Brittney.

Brittney.

Oh wait yes, Brittney, Brittney.

Brittney.

Lilly, you know Dave from the club.

And this is Jane.

Sorry, hello.

And Allison.

Right so, I got 38 bottles of gin, rum, vodka and Fireball.

Let's get drunk!

You keep that cinnamon cyanide away from me, ya hear?

Jesus!

Party!

So, you're a comedian?

Yeah, dishwasher by day.

What does that entail?

Well, it's ya know, gathering the dishes, rinsing the dishes, taking the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.

No, the being a comedian.

Oh! Oh.

Well, it's telling jokes mostly.

Humorous anecdotes about my life, painful experiences supplimated through the critical eye and cynicism to get to the core of the human experience, a long line to the DMV, my ex-wife's cooking, fart jokes.

You were married?

No, no.

Oh okay, tell me a joke.

OK.

I do have this one.

Not a lot of people find it very funny though.

Oh hey, try me.

I have a great sense of humor.

I used to write for MAD Magazine.

Really? You're a writer?

Nah, I left that shit behind.

I am in bakery science now.

Bakery science, what's that?

I develop better emulsifiers all day.

Emulsifiers, that sounds fun.

OK, there's nothing fun about bakery science.

It is a tough field.

Tougher than you would think.

OK.

Yeah, my friend invented the stuffed crust pizza.

Awards, limos, the whole bit.

Wow!

Yeah, she never has to work again, lucky bitch.

So, what's the career path for a bakery scientist?

The golden ticket is creating a new flavor with one of the big guys.

Little Debbie, Otis Spunkmeyer, snooty bastards down at Spunkmeyer.

We're people too, Otis!

Neat.

That explosion was not my fault.

No, no, I didn't think that--

OK, tell me a joke.

OK, um...

Well, the thing about Hitler is--

Um, hi Brittney.

Hey.

Met Hitler's great nephew once.

Great guy.

Made a mean ham salad.

Don't waste your efforts on this one, Dave.

The female human Lilly has her sights set on you.

Respect the labe, Dave.

That's a big 409.

Who's ready for charades?

Yeah, Byron, how did you get here?

I brought eggnog and egg salad.

Well Dave already brought egg salad.

Remember Dave? You fired him.

Might be kinda awkward.

Yes but this is made with fish eggs.

And before you go declaring your loyalty for certain past employees, remember, I control how big your Christmas bonus is.

You know what?

That looks delicious.

You make yourself at home.

Thanks.

So sorry!

Is that eggnog?

Would you like to try some of my creamy and delicious eggnog?

Yeah, thanks.

I'm glad ya liked it.

What's your name?

Upchuck, but all my friends call me Greg.

Just kidding, they call me Upchuck.

You're really funny.

You should come down to my club, try doing some comedy.

That sounds dope.

My friend Dave tells me it's hard, blah blah blah blah.

Oh, you know Dave.

Yeah, Dave, my roommate.

Dave, come try some of this eggnog.

Nevermind, I finished it off, but it was fire though.

Hey uh, why is Byron here?

Oh yeah, listen, I don't want him or his weird fish egg salad here either, but I gotta schmooze for that Christmas bonus.

I don't think Yuk Yuk's does Christmas bonuses.

I thought maybe they were starting to.

Dave.

Oh, hi Byron.

I heard that you brought egg salad.

That's correct.

Uh great, well it was nice talking to you.

Wait Dave, I wanted to tell you that even though I fired you, I saw you perform a lot and you should know that you are really bad at standup.

It's terrible, and that you should definitely consider virtually any other career other than standup, like what was that last set even?

Uh well, the church has--

It matters not, my pet.

Now I realize that you consider me to be not only your boss, but a mentor.

I don't know what gave you that impression.

So, you and Upchuck are roommates.

What are his grooming habits?

Do you know?

Does he perhaps shave his entire body below the neck?

You know what?

I actually hear someone calling me, so I'm gonna go.

Brittney, is there someone in there?

No, don't be ridiculous.

That was a chair.

But they were--

It's a wild party, Dave.

You and your partner never been bound head to foot with gags in your mouth?

It's very sensual.

But who are they?

Have you seen Becks?

According to the plan, I believe it's time for her distraction and I have my tasks as well.

Plan? What plan?

Plan? What are you talking about?

You just said--

No I didn't Dave, I think your drinking problem's heavily contributing to your scatterbrain.

I don't have a drinking--

Shh.

The labor is hard, but you must serve the mistress well.

You must serve the labe.

OK, gather round everyone, gather round.

It's time for the annual recitation of my favorite Christmas story.

I'll start in Christmas Eve 1992.

I was alone.

Weren't you born in 96?

It all started in 2004.

Thank you Byron, I had my dates mixed up.

It was the year my family and I decided to spend Christmas roughing it abroad.

And now the cars.

So I'm hanging there upside down over a huge pot of boiling vegetables when I make direct eye contact with a tazmanian devil.

This sounds a lot like another story I've heard starring Bugs Bunny.

Save your questions for the end of the story, thank you.

Were you scared?

Terrified but I made a connection with that tazmanian devil.

He looked at me and he said, "Trust me, you're safe."

Not with his, but telepathically.

So I put on a brave face.

Like the face that the cannibals were wearing?

No, those were actual faces.

I just adopted courageous traits.

I looked at the king and then I said yes, I will marry you.

I literally can't believe it.

God's truth.

Ask Ryan Seacrest, he was the one that bailed me out that night.

All I ever asked for was a bag of pork rinds and according to the locals, that was the first time it snowed in over 100 years.

You're so brave.

I try my best.

Anyway, here's to a merry Christmas.

I have a Christmas story too!

But it's also a drinking game.

Drink every time I say black guy.


Yuri, Yuri, do you receive?

Ya, we are receiving you Sir.

What is your?

The American Dave, I believe he has the tape.

The deviant, Becks, she says that he never leaves without it.

Retrieve the tape from the American pig dogs by any means necessary.

Many Soviet lives depend on it.

And when I do, I can return home to mother Russia?

Da, only when you have the tape.

Use whatever means necessary.

You'll have the tape, Yuri.

Yes, you will.

And I will have my revenge.

Are you done?

Yes, just one second Jane, I'll be right out.

Let's kick this night right in the baby maker.

So, you like whiskey, huh?

Yeah, um, I guess I'm not exactly having the best night or week.

Drowning your sorrows.

Boy troubles?

Yeah well, no, I'm not gay.

Are you gay?

No, no, I kinda thought this was a gay party.

So, girl troubles then?

Partially.

My frigid long distance girlfriend decided to keep another guy warm this winter.

Hm, so the whiskey.

Well, here's to infidelity.

My ex had a three-month affair with the milk girl.

Milk girl?

Now they live on a dairy farm in Iowa, oddly enough.

Enough about me.

How well do you know Jane and Lilly?

Um, don't really know Jane.

I've seen her around.

And I've worked with Lilly for the last six months at the club.

Well worked, I got fired the other day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Eh, I kinda yelled at an old lady and she died.

Oh!

Wow.

That'll do it.

Yeah.

So, you work at the club.

Worked, I mean.

Yeah, I'm a comic.

Well, would be comic, I'm not really that funny.

I can see how that would be a career barrier.

Well actually ya know, you'd be surprised with how many of the successful comedians aren't really that funny at all.

So, what do you think of Lilly?

Oh uh, Lilly is fine.

She sure can pound down the booze.

Yeah, I've never seen a woman drink so much vodka and still be able to stand up.

She gets this crazy strength when she drinks.

Ya know, she pushed a car out of a lake.

So uh, do you like wine?

I like a good red.

So Lilly, do you think that her behavior changes when she drinks to excess?

That she becomes reckless?

Uh yeah, reckless is probably a pretty good word to describe it.

You know, you have really pretty eyes.

And do you think that she habitually uses drugs?

Uh...

My bad.

This is quite the spillage.

I'll go grab a towel.

I'll clean it up.

Um, yeah so, ya know, Allison said she was grabbing a towel.

Don't rub it!

You have to dab it.

Dab it!

Ugh, let me show you.


Do you think you should help?

Hey, what took you so long?

All in good time, young human, it's finished.

I'm having second thoughts.

I mean, I love Dave, but this all seems a little insane and kind of illegal and--

Once you're in steep, you've just gotta go all the way.

What is happening?

There was a spill.


Whiskey.

I prefer vodka but that tastes good.

I like to try new things whenever I can.

Do you like to try new things?

Um, well, I've been known to sample.

Do you know what it means to be a man, Dave?

Making 20% more for the same work?

It mostly involves, how do you say, butt sex.

What?

Care to join me in the shadowy corners for some passionate necking?

Don't really know--

Ah...

So uh, are you a fan of Kippling.

No.

OK.

Uh...

So what was that you were talking to Becks about earlier?

Some VHS tape with an Armanian comedian?

Animal soul train?

Oh yeah, Russian actually.

Yeah, Anatoli Big Tony Solshinitzen.

It was his last performance before he was sent to the Goulag and disappeared forever.

That's fascinating!

Yeah, thank you, yes it is.

Actually, he wasn't Russian.

He was Lithuanian by birth.

His paternal grandfather raised him.

He talked a lot about his childhood in his act, you know, he wove these beautiful themes of loss and humanity mixed in with the jokes about farts and borscht, ya know?

That's very interesting.

I'd love to see it.

Do you have it with you, the tape?

Yeah, yeah always.

Ah!

Lilly!

Jane!

Have you forgetten-say about Allison-A?

Like a threesome?

Wait just a minute and I'll go get my ugly friend.

No threesome!

You promised!

A Christmas boyfriend for Allison!

Wait, are you guys, you guys planning to set me up with Allison?

Well you see, last year, there was an escaped bull that gorged Michael to death.

Uh huh, uh huh, OK.

Does Allison like me?

I'm so sorry, I just really needed a pick me up after the spill and global warming and what not.

This bitch understands the struggle, babe.

But it looks like the only other guys at this party are gonna hook up with each other.

This could be ugly's only change.

I mean, Allison.

Right, I'm such a bad friend.

No, you're a good friend!

When you try.

Do you wanna bump some lines and maybe make out later?

Sure!

Besties!

Just may as well find something.

A note.


Hi, I'm Dave and this is my audition tape for Last Comic Standing.

Hey, Upchuck, would you hold the camera still?

Thank you.

OK, so the best thing about Hitler is not his mustache, but it's actu--

And that is why I just love the Jewish community, my favorite people in the entire world.

Hey, how did you get Dave's audition tape?


So what are you doing?

Lilly asked me to grab something from her purse.

Cool, cool, yeah.

Grabbing stuff for your friends, cool.

So, what did she ask you to get?

Uh, this.

Oh um, you know, Lilly actually did seem like she would need that right about now.

She seemed like she needed a dildo?

I think yeah, a penis, a pick me up.

I mean, hey, you're the one gettin' it for her right?

Yeah, right.

Her party pick me up penis.

Uh...

So what are you gonna do now?

Now that you're not at the club anymore?

Oh um, I don't know.

Probably something that I'll fail utterly at again.

No, everybody fails at something.

Everybody falls flat on their face.

It's a part of life.

So have you fallen flat on your face?

Well, no.

Actually, I did get second place at a spelling bee one time.

But that's not the point.

The point is that it's part of becoming an adult.

You aren't really an adult until you have failed utterly.

Something important to you.

Maybe if I haven't totally boned it, then I'm not really grown up.

But you have and that's good because now you can take this moment and learn from it and grow into the real you.

Yeah, ya know Allison, I think you're right.

I've been beating myself up like someone just like grabbed my hand and said, "Stop hitting yourself!

"Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself," and then I've opened my eyes and it was just me the whole time.

I just ya know, I need to own this.

I need to own it, ya know?

Thank you, thank you Allison.

Dave, can I trust you?

Uh, yeah sure.

I have a confession to make.

I'm an investigative reporter and I'm researching something, something explosive, I mean really big.

And I might need your help.

The fate of the world may rest on your decision.

What kind of help?

They said they didn't cast me because I was too good looking.

Have you guys seen Upchuck?

Sexy little peanut disappeared on me.

He left to chase a squirrel or something.

That guy and his rodents, what a riot.

What?

Lilly, where have you been?

Mama always said to dance with the one who brung ya.

I've danced all my dances.

What?

Have you ever felt like you've lost something really important but you realize you've already snorted it?

Oh!

I see.

I'm all out and Byron has a guy nearby.

I do.

So we're gonna go on a little field trip.

But we're coming back, right?

For Allison, I mean?

I don't know, yeah, maybe.

But Mama's got a fee that comes first!

Allison.

Allison!

Damn it to hell son of a bitch!

Listen Becks, I really appreciate you throwing this party for me but, you know, maybe I should just work through this thing on my own, you know?

I gotta be my own man.

Dave, I've not even yet begun to humiliate myself for the benefit of your loins.

That's creepy but, ya know, I'm afraid that all your effort on behalf on my loins tonight haven't really--

Just wait a few more seconds.

What?

Five, four, three, two--

Well hello Jane, Lilly, Allison and Byron.

What are you doing back?

Hi, uh, my car wouldn't start.

Oh no!

That was a drug run, right?

Who calls it that?

And why would that pup go chasing after that squirrel when there's a perfectly good otter right here?

This is just awful and during a snowstorm in which the likes of snow goddess Chione has never seen.

And Upchuck's car won't start either.

How do you know that?

Is he back already?

I mean, if we can't find Upchuck, we can't find his keys, right?

And I Ubered here and frankly was hoping to be taken home by someone.

Do you mind if we stay in here where it's warm while we wait and call for an Uber?

Absolutely.

Damn it.

What is it, my dear?

I don't have signal!

No bars!

Do you have WiFi?

Oh no, no, no, no, no. No WiFi.

Lilly, do you have a signal?

Nope, not at all, strange.

Does anybody have a signal?

Nope.

Nothing here.

Becks, you have a car.

Please, I have somewhere I need to be.

Uh actually, my car is in the shop.

I got dropped off by a cab.

Bad flux capacitor.

Damn it to hell!

Son of a bitch!

We could walk.

In this weather?

Maybe we should just stay a while.

Let's check the radio!

And the blizzard conditions will continue for at least 36 hours, so if you are somewhere safe, for God's sake, stay there!

You don't wanna be out in this, not to mention the mass escape from the state mental hospital for the extra criminally insane that just happened.

Some bad characters out there for sure.

Whew, well, that sounds bad.

Everyone settle in.

We still have games, parties and drinks, and some surprises in store.

Song.

Uh sand baby.

Uh, songs about sex.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Take me out to the ball game.

Hit me baby one more time?

Time's up.

It's the Game of Thrones theme song!

OK, I'll go next.

OK, this is a movie.

No, you can't talk.

Now.

You can't talk man!

Uh, War Horse.

Horse Whisperer.

Flicka.

Cowboys.

No talking!

True Grit.

Jaws.

The Shining?

Kill Bill Volume One.

Rocky one.

The Shining?

Rocky two.

Kill Bill Volume Two.

Rocky three?

A New Hope.

Rocky four.

E.T., E.T.!

Terminator!

Shining?

So are you having fun?

Totes.

Brittney, right?

That's the name I've chosen.

From the before time, I was called something else.

That's interesting.

I used to be called The Brave Balini.

Where are you from?

The circus.

Oh, there's a hair in there, sorry.

That's interesting.

I don't see a hair and I have 20/70 vision.

I took a couple sips from it.

You could get another one though.

Are you still interested in Dave?

It's been a while since you've talked to him.

I like to take things slow sometimes.

It's really whipping up out there.

I see you got some punch as well.

I thirst for mango sorbet, sugar, and productivity.

That's a really nice painting.

What painting?

Is that crown molding?

Dave has an interesting shirt on.

Why's that man naked?

Charades sure makes me thirsty.

Who's ready for the next round?

Upchuck sure doesn't know what he's missing and you know what a really good game is?

Really good game is spin the--

Spin the, what are you going to spin?

Book!

No, movie.

Uh, Because of Winn Dixie.

The Shining?

The commemorative statuette of liberty.

Wow!

It's hot in here, isn't it?

It's hot in here, right?

Who else got the egg salad?

Well, clearly, someone's had too much to drink.

Somebody give me a hand.

He just needs to sleep it off.

I may have miscalculated.

You sure he's alright?

What a lightweight.

If anyone wants to draw dicks on his face, there's sharpies by the solo cups.

Hey, can I have that?

What?

Nothing.

That one should be fine.

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪ Hey, do you wanna make out?

Suddenly, I feel like that's the right thing to do right now.

Sure, maybe later.

Who am I kidding?

Look at you with your red hair.

You never take time to stoop off your high horse to fraternize with the likes of me!

Are you OK?

This looks more familiar.

Byron! Make out with me!

Byron?

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪ You know what, she's got the right idea.

Who is ready to party?

My little buddy!

It's you!

OK, this is taking way too long.

Oh God, oh!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Lilly, why do you have that?

My name is not Lilly, it's Svetlanna and I've been trained to withstand the most extreme torture and not crack, but spending the last few months with the likes of you is all the torture I can take.

Hold on, hold on a minute.

So we're not besties?

Oh damn!

Holy shit!

Ow, it hurts!

Oh, I feel so good.

What do you want?

You can literally steal anything you want from this house.

You have what I want.

Oh my God.

Damn, she wants you body bad, bro.

Don't make me throw up.

His skin tastes like beef jerky.

I guess that's not the first time I've heard that.

The tape.

Scotch tape?

Anatoli Solshinitzen, you have the world's only remaining copy of his last known performance.

Enema Soul Train?

It's a film we've been looking for for the past

20 years.

Wow!

Are you a fan of his work?

He was swine.

Anatoli was one of the biggest conspirators of an unsuccessful insurrection against Soviet.

It is said in the tape, he had revel secrets within bad jokes.

They are not bad.

Quiet you!

Lesbianca, throw me that bag.

No! It's fragile!

Big Tony.

Was this another audition tape?

Aha! The smoking gun!

Two grand spent at JJ's bar and for Tammy?

Who's Tammy?

Fact, tomorrow I go back home to mother Russia with the rebel secrets or the ugly gets it.

No!

I did not think this is how my night was gonna go.

You can't kill her.

She...

She has dirt on you.

What?

What?

Yeah she's an investigative journalist and boy, you don't wanna get on her bad side.

Dave, how is that going to help me get out of this alive?

So, you're not a horse doctor?

I've never even seen a horse.

Who do you work for?

Teeny Bop Bubblegum Magazine.

What the hell is that?

I read that, they have great quizzes.

I was doing an expose on binge drinking among millennials.

Lilly was my research subject.

Liars! All my friends are liars!

I'm so horny!

I'm so confused!

Save!

Wait, don't hurt her.

I know the tape by heart.

I can recite it word for word.

Please, take me, you really don't need Allison.

Dave, no.

Is this true?

Even the parts in Russian?

Impressed.

Well, I don't know what it means but I can recite it phonetically.

You say you want to go back home and kiss mother?

Gross.

Dave, you come with me.

Unfortunately for the rest of you, there can be no witnesses.

Lesbianca, you die first.

Oh God, it's happening.

The Brave Balini.

Again?

This was all easier when you all comply, American scum.

Well I'm proud to be an American.

I pledge allegiance to the flag.

Oh no, no, no.

Well, she died how she lived, passed out on the ground covered in alcohol.

What are you doing?

Haven't you seen Halloween?

The villain always comes back for one last scare.

Hey, since when has John Carpenter directed my life, right?

You didn't hit her once!

Should someone call the police?

Yeah, we should probably uninstall the cell phone blockers.

The what?

Uh, negative, having any police officials here would be bad for someone wanted in 13 states.

You?

The smaller ones.

There's a woman with half her face on the floor.

Jane's thighs are oozing and Byron still hasn't even woken up!

We'll meet again soon, young human.

What?

FBI, get down on the ground!

Everybody get down on the ground!

Brittney? Brittney?

Brandy?

Bethany.

Well Becks, thanks to the tracking device I put in your butt, you led us right to our target.

What?

Sorry it took us an extra minute.

Something was blocking our signal for a while.

What's in my butt?

Which one of you is Allison?

Me.

You have a Teeny Bopper Bubblegum Magazine issued recording device, correct?

This one?

Thanks, we'll use this in court.

You probably just saved the country from lots of bad guys.

And Dave.

Huh?

You have photographic memory.

What's in my butt?

Uh yeah.

Skills like that, we could really use on the force.

Have you ever considered a career in the FBI?

No.

Uh, but I will now.

Give me a call sometimes.

We'll find a spot for you.

Does she even see him shoot?

Can I have some help please?

Hey, you're cute!


It really is a Christmas miracle.