A Stand Up Guy (2016) Script

How you doing?

Give me 300.

Come on, come on, come on, 300.

By the way, you're looking unbelievable.

You're losing weight, right?

Face looks chiseled. Take this.

You have a nice tan.

Tell your mom I said, "Hello", all right?

Call her.

All right?


Dom, let me ask you a question. What?

What makes you think that a shaved head's a good look on you?

I don't know. You know, the hairline was falling back a little.

Figured I'd trick the scalp.

"Trick the scalp?"

You tricked the earth, bro.

Doesn't look great.

What? You don't like it?

Looks like your mother fucked a marshmallow.

I, I don't even get that.

I don't know, you just got a face that looks better with hair.

I mean, look at my hair.

You never seen me shaving my fucking head, do you?

You don't need to, you're growing hair while I'm looking at you.

I know, how great is that, huh?

See... I thought checking in was when I left and told you where I was going.

How's that not checking in?

Hello.

Hell...

Dom, come here.

This is the address to the house.

Family's out of town, so you're clean.

Hey, you're taking that loudmouth LeGucci with you?

What, Sammy? Yeah.

Ah, yeah, he's a good guy.

Can't stop sharing his thoughts. He's going.

He thinks I don't know he's flipping electronic cigarettes all over town.

Plus, I ain't seen a dime from him.

Uh, you know, I don't know anything about that.

Okay, listen.

There's over 200 large in the house.

It's behind the fake fireplace when you get in.

Family's on vacation.

It's good. It's no problem.

Sammy!

Yo!

I heard you got a beat on electronic cigarettes.

Yeah, I heard a few things.

I'll let you know if it's worth it.

Remember...

Smoking kills.

Yeah.

Dom, let me ask you a question.

Why does your uncle always have to exit with a dramatic statement?

I don't know.

I don't like him.

Plays the "Nice Guy" role.

Then, boom, says some shit you can't be comfortable with.

Look, I wouldn't worry about it.

But, look, he says this score, it's like 200k.

Okay, we need to get this money, get some new head shots, model my way into a fucking catalog already.

Sal, you're 41 years old.

So what?

40 year Olds are a huge marketing demographic.

Plus, they buy a lot of shit.

Not from your face.

Thanks.

So, how is school?

School's not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Well, that's good.

I wouldn't want you to be sick of school this early in the game.

That, I can't promise.

Oh, God.

Honey, time's up.

Uh.

All right, come on.

There's never enough time, right, Maddy? Yeah.

You know I love you. I'm gonna see you in a few days, okay?

Hi, honey.

Mommy needs just a minute with Daddy, okay?

Do you wanna sit here? Okay.

Love you, Daddy. See you soon. I love you, Maddy.

Here, take the ball.

I'll see you this week, okay, honey?

Okay.

Step into my office.

An office? Wow, what a great idea.

An actual office.

That would mean you would have a real job.

Don't go spending it all on your hair or your shoes or whatever you do with your money.

My hair? My hair is the problem, wow.

Okay, you know, I swear to god, I look at you and I think there's so many things you could've been good at.

Maybe stealing is my gift, huh?

That's not funny. Sammy...

Your daughter needs some time with you.

Like an actual schedule.

I know.

I'm working on a schedule.

Trust me.

This is gonna be like taking candy from a fucking baby.

A baby gorilla.

Hey, I think I know that guy.

From your modeling school?

Shit on my dreams again, I will fucking kill you where you stand.

Calm down, Fabio, it's a fucking joke.

Shit.

I'm didn't have to use the drill.

I thought we were gonna have to do some weak point drilling here.

Is that what you call it when you bang Lorie?

Everything is not a joke.

Holy fuck.

What? Holy fuck.

Nice.

200k, boys.

Motherfucking jackpot.

Freeze! Hands where we can see them.

One wrong move and Sammy and I will shoot you for fun.

Fuck this shit. Come on, come on.

Oh, my God.

Freeze, you fuckers.

Sammy Legucci, why am I not shocked?

Put the gun down, Tommy.

I'm telling you, bro, crazy is the best in bed.

Uh, you sleep with a girl that never met her real dad, shit's going down.

Come out of the bed, you're missing a tooth, you got a black eye, your foot hurts, your ear's throbbing, you're hearing new languages.

It's fucking amazing. Orphanage pussy.

Give it a shot, bro, trust me.

Legucci!

You got some real fucking issues.

You tell us who's running things and we cut a deal.

Otherwise, you get the max and you know it.

There's nothing I can do here.

No offense, Tommy.

I mean, you can really use a mint.

What did you eat, everything?

All right. Wise ass.

Friends or no friends, you ain't leaving this room until you talk.

Uh, I'm disgusted with you.

I expected bigger things from you in life, Sammy.

Really? Yeah.

Voted "Most Likely to Succeed", dated the hottest girl in school.

I don't know, I think you had options.

Now you're going away for robbery, book-making, extortion, I'm guessing fixing horses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never fixed no horses.

Give me some name, Sammy.

Save yourself, you know what I'm saying? You know, you got a kid.

She's gonna need you around.

Think big picture. You don't talk like that.

You do a bit, you come out, you missed her confirmation, you go back in, you missed her wedding, you go in again, you missed her baby.

Before you turn around, you're an old ex-con and you missed her goddamn life.

You're a cop or a psychic, what are you?

I'm both.

Sammy.

I got something for you.

It's only because I've known you my whole life.

It's not a sad song mix tape, is it?

Might as well be.

Even though you didn't invite me to your 21st birthday party.

'Cause I always knew you were gonna be a cop.

What's up, Pat?

What's up? Your bearded friend's gotta go.

Yeah?

He's a loose fucking cannon and I don't like it.

Never shuts the fuck up, fuck, he doesn't kick up when he's supposed to.

All right, now what do you want me to do about it?

Nothing. Just go back to your wife and I'll take care of the rest.

You wanna pretend that life is a joke, then, unfortunately, I have to teach you a lesson.

'Cause that's what I do.

Little fucking bearded lawn jockey.

All right, all right.

I've got a plan for this extra head fuck wizard.

Looks like a Middle-Eastern version of Merlyn, the magician.

I get it.

You know that voice?

Like the back of my hand.

This is a memorandum of understanding, Sammy.

Keep a low profile till we bring you back to testify.

We will provide you with a new identity, a home somewhere in America, $65,000 a year in salary, and 24-hour protection.

That's a guarantee.

Guaranteed boring life, that's what that is.

But as much as I hate to say it, on this, you're doing the right thing.

The girls will stay with me.

Thanks, Frank.

Tell Maddy I'll be in touch and that I love her very much.

Of course, kid.

What if I wanna go see her?

That's entirely up to you.

But we only provide protection as long as you stay within these guidelines.

You know Pat's gonna make bail.

So watch your back.

Where are you taking me?

This is like the vanilla version of a life.

I don't feel good about this.

You think I give a damn how you feel?

Just keep your nose out of trouble.

I don't wanna have to monitor your every move.

Isn't that your job?

So what?

Think I love my job?

I'm just gonna do my time, save some lives, make some extra bucks on the side, you don't mind, do you?

I've got an ingrown toenail I care more about.

You're a real sensitive guy, huh?

I'm here to keep tabs on you and that's it.

I don't like the small talk.

I don't like small talk either, okay?

I don't know what's more depressing, your voice or my life.

I think I can answer that.

This is Sheriff Colin wood.

Wowie, looky here.

We have ourselves a real live mafioso from the big city.

There's no such thing as the mafia, okay? So relax.

Yeah, I'm sure there is not.

But just remember, we have families here.

Big families with big guns.

So I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

Chief, he is here under our protection.

Let's just try to get off on the right foot.

Okey-dokey.

Maybe one day we can meet up and have a beer, share some stories.

I bet you got some good stories, huh?

Bet yours will throw us for a real whimsy, huh?

What the hell's a whimsy?

What the hell's a whimsy, Mr. Hirsh.

Hesh.

His new name is Derek Hesh.

I obviously didn't pick it.

I bet you didn't.

Hmm?

Bet you wanted to pick something like Travolta.

Hmm?


Hi, you must be Derek.

I'm Tricia, Colin's wife and this Rex and we are so happy to have you here.

I hope you don't mind us showing up unannounced.

I just wanted to let you know we're right down the block.

If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.

Isn't this area just great?

Is that dirt or chocolate on his face?

Oh, it's both.

The boy gets into everything.

What exactly did your husband tell you about me?

Oh, he said you are from New York and that you were just a spitfire of a personality and that you were gonna be great here with us small town folk.

He said you were working construction or something so I just, I brought you a pie.

Enjoy, it's apple.

Thank you. Mm-mmm.

You a smoker? Yeah, why?

Hold on.

Try this.

You're gonna thank me.

And the little man's gonna thank me too.

You're gonna have a lot of energy after this, you're gonna be cleaning his face all day.

Mon, I wanna try one.

Those look fun to me.

Make it happen.

Stop it, Rex.

My father wants to know if you got the phone.

'Course I go that phone I'm talking to you on it.

Tell him I said, "Thank you".

Where's my daughter? I'd like to speak to her.

She's not here right now.

When can I call her?

I don't know.

Just give me a time that I can call her.

Try back in a few days and I'm sure you'll catch her.

Okay, tell her I said hi.

All right.


♪ One more drink And I didn't think ♪

♪ She was serious When she said goodbye ♪

♪ One more shot That's all I got ♪

♪ When I keep my name In her favorite car ♪

♪ She was my only girl My whole world ♪

♪ Who would've thought That it would end like this ♪

♪ Never saw myself As a stalker ♪

♪ But she left me High and dry ♪

♪ So she had to know When she decided to go ♪

♪ That I would follow right behind ♪

♪ Never saw myself As a stalker... ♪ Hey, how can I help you?

My God does your face look out of place in here.

Get out of here.

It's just that you're really hot and your face doesn't go with this building.

Oh, your mouth must be real dry from all that hot air coming out of it.

Are you drinking?

Yeah, I'll have a whiskey and some confidence.

Eh, let me ask you a question. Hmm.

Is this the hot spot in town? This is it?

Let me see.

We have a broken-hearted redneck on stage named Mel, singing about a love he probably never even had.

So if you call that a hot spot, then this is the hot spot.

I think I have a crush.

Oh, let's hope not.

What's your name?

Hey, Manny. This is my brother.

Your brother? Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Is it?

The fuck happened at your house growing up?

Lot of awkward family talk.

♪ Well, she stole my heart My car, my soul ♪

♪ She stole my spirit And she hurt me so... ♪ So we open the trunk, it's like 3,000 beanie babies.

Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.

We thought we were hijacking cigarettes, we ended up hijacking a ten year old's dream.

Ha!

Many, come on.

When a man meets a woman something happens inside, deep inside.

His first inclination is to recite a diatribe, as he relates to his rebellious history as a childhood thief, thereby appearing edgy, cool, tough.

All the while just trying to gain access into her lady palace.

What?

I didn't say anything.

♪ She stole my spirit And she hurt me so ♪

♪ I tried, I tried I cried, I cried ♪

♪ And they found her body I lied, I lied ♪ This guy is killing me with his depressing songs.

♪ Had to do it ♪ I mean, he's confessing to murder with the worst voice I ever heard in my life.

Why don't you get up there?

No, no, no.

I don't show off in front of strangers.

Why stop now?

Showing off is just insecurity masking as bravado.

I've got a 100 bucks that says you won't do it.

I'll put 50 on top of that.

150 bucks just to go up there?

Uh-huh.

Who's bringing me up?

Hey, Mel.

Time to tuck your sensitive heart back in your pants.

Just bring up this guy, what's your name again?

Derek.

Little DD.

It's Derek.

Little Deacon.

All right. Yeah, please welcome Little Deacon.

It's Derek. Please welcome Little Derek.

And if anybody knows where JD is, please come see me after the show.

150 bucks? Mm-hmm.

Put your money out.

Mel nearly broke my heart and my love for music.

That was the opposite of uplifting, right?

I mean, the guy couldn't hit a note if he blew Marvin Gaye.

Wow, you two.

What dressed you, a goat?

When was the last time you shaved? Never ago?

You guys never heard of gel?

No? Hair products?

Are you eating a jawbreaker or is his balls in your mouth?

Your parents, definitely fucked in woods.

No doubt about it.

Look at you.

The product of a deer and a man.

Two friends sharing one tooth.

I'm killing it up here.

This is great, I can do it all day.

So, when Lorie writes, "I still like you", she really means, "I love you".

She just didn't write "love", right?

I don't know, bro.

I'm pretty sure she knows the difference between like and love.

No, no, no, no.

It's gotta be some kind of auto-correct malfunction or something.

Yeah, you know, you could tell yourself that but that technology is, it's pretty rock solid.

So is our love, bro.

Oh, hang on.

She just sent a video. Let's see what she says.

It's probably an apology.

We don't text our apologies.

Hey, Sal, I just jerked your cousin for the third time, isn't that weird?

I got real problems and I gotta listen to this crap?

Sammy Legucci.

We gotta find him.

Hmm.

25.

Want one?

25.

Okay, coming up next to the stage, if it wasn't for selling fly fishing videos, our next act would be sleeping in a barrel of whiskey.

Here to sing about his drinking problem and his penchant for stalking, give it up for your favorite, Mel.

Yo, you move any slower, you'll be going backwards.

Come on, buddy.

Thank you, Derek.

Well, I like to get right to it, I don't like to mince words, or ramble or just make stuff up.

That'd be a waste of your time and my time.

This song I'd like to do is called, "That Wasn't Me Heavy Breathing on the Other End, Leslie."

You know, I hear, Mel, he's out there dating again.

And I think you really did something special for him.

I think even his lyrics, they've even made a turn for the positive.

Yeah, some people just can't shake a heartbreak.

Mm, not me.

I shook mine like the dust off a porch mat.

I just can't see a guy breaking your heart.

Well, it wasn't really my heart, more like my nose.

Really? Hmm.

See if that guy wants to come back for an old fashioned lesson in relationships.

I left that part of my past long ago.

Yeah, I left mine too.

♪ ...Lousy, dirty whore ♪ So, he's sending you the money.

Bit by bit.

But, yeah.

Oh, I can't believe they broke up.

To you and Madison?

Yes, Dad, so what?

He's supposed to, she's his daughter.

All his life, he does the bare minimum.

She is not 32.

I never hated the guy.

I mean, I know he ran his mouth off too much and he played the class clown...

Whoa, whoa, you're defending him.

Beautiful, Dad, thank you.

I'm just saying.

Maybe he'll find his way, his path, you never know.

No, he won't, Dad.

He's right where he's supposed to be.

In hiding.

So I tell this kid, if he doesn't kick in the wig, I'm taking his TV and his car.

What does he do? What does he do?

He hands me the keys to the car, just like that.

I rode a rhinoceros in Guatemala with a man named Phillip.

So, I'm driving the car for like a week, right?

Come to find out the guy doesn't even own the car.

I saved a woman and her dwarf son from a hotel fire against my will.

It's great.

Listen, I pull into the house right, just as I'm about to make a right...

I once caught a land shark in Tijuana.

It was tricky.

Yo, Manny, what the fuck is up?

Why you keep interrupting me, bro?

Your stories take too long and I'm having a hard time believing them.

♪ The condom broke We're having a baby ♪

♪ The happiest accident That I've ever known ♪

♪ He was my John And I was his lady ♪

♪ I canceled my appointments For the rest of the time ♪

♪ I love you, John ♪ That's his real name.

Wow.

Don't know where that came from.

Let's not question that.

I like it.

Give me another one.

Mmm.

All right, I got to go on stage.

All right, I'll be right back.

Mmm, keep that thought, all right?

Yes.

Jenny, you still owe $20 for those e-cigarettes.

Hey, you.

Where the hell are you from, anyway?

Dressed like you're in some old time gang or something.

You know what? I am in a gang.

You ever heard of "Sleep With Your Mothers, The Bigger Your House"?

Hey, that shit ain't funny.

Oh, I think the audience thinks it's funny.

You know, you sneak into town all quiet and what not with your greasy, greasy personality.

Who knows where you're from, man?

Clint, shut your trap. Go drink with your mother.

There you go. A woman after my own heart. Thanks, honey.

All right, tough guy.

Let's dance.

Wow, those are four words in a row out of you. You might need a nap.

Somebody come clean this shit up.

You must be one of the dumbest people on the planet.

I tell you to lay low and you get into a fight with one of the locals while doing comedy?

Let me put it to you like this.

You just made my life twice as hard as it is and that's damn near impossible considering that I have high blood pressure, a love of dark alcohol and a gambling addiction.

Now, you listen to me, Sammy, you have one responsibility, one responsibility, stay boring.

You got that, Sammy?

Stay boring.

Hi, welcome back everybody to The Show.

Before we get to my first guest this evening, I have to share with you, this video that I got sent over the weekend.

It's insane.

There's a stand up comedian, he's doing his act and he's getting heckled, and then madness ensues.

Have you seen this?

It's like John Gotti doing open mic night, guy gets into a fight with two people in the crowd, unbelievable.

At first, I thought it was fake, but, apparently, it's not, take a look.

Wow, those are four words in a row out of you. You might need a nap.

Excuse me, ladies, what are you looking at?

We're watching you. Excuse me?

Yeah, it's definitely you.

Beating up Clint with everyone in town watching.

It's kinda sexy.

What are you talking about?

Not bad for a small town comic.

Better than Bieber when he started.

Even though, you're like three times as old.

Old?

My hair's still in fifth grade.

I'd like to see what your dad's hair looked like at 35.

My dad was struck by lightning at a state fair.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How did he look pre-strike?


Somebody come clean this shit up.

500,000 views.

It's, you're like, famous.

And they love you, like, look at these comments, uh...

"My Lord, did Dice Clay and George Lopez have a baby?"

"This guy's got it all."

Uh, oh.

"Say hello to my little friend, I love this comic."

Somebody's found their calling.

She texted back, "K".

What the hell is that?

"K" is just a solid response, don't read into it.

"K" is a verbal stabbing.

Here's your money, Frank.

Yo.

Your friend Sammy's blowing up on the internet.

Excuse me? Yeah.

I mean, who knew the guy was so funny.

And he's a badass.

What the fuck you talking about, Chucky?

Sammy's gone.

No, he's not. He's back, look.

I want this town rat dead.

Done.

We'll find his ass.

You know you really messed up with this whole online video thing.

I mean, being popular is the worst thing you could do right now.

It wasn't my fault, the guy was heckling me.

What am I supposed to do? I had to protect myself.

He's lucky I didn't stab him with the fucking mic.

Piece of shit.

No one's getting stabbed.

I'm gonna need a very detailed account of your whereabouts at all times, okay?

I'll make sure you're all right.

I go from home to the bar, you know my schedule.

I'm dead.

This is not fucking good.

You spend a lot of time with that Vicky, right?

So I'm gonna need her address.

Mr. Hesh?

I need to be honest with you.

Last time someone said that to me, my girlfriend told me she likes my best friend better.

Oh, that's too bad.

My best friend was a girl, so it was all right.

Little emasculating but it brought out my sensitive side.

I knew you were good.

You have a timing I haven't heard it in years.

A natural delivery.

Like a Dangerfield or a Dice.

Now I don't wanna say Pryor but I see a glimpse.

Are you trying to fuck me? I was only kidding about the sensitive side.

Fuck you? I booked the Majestic Theater.

No shit.

I booked Rascal Flatts last week and hand to God, all sold out.

And my new client, Todd Player, he'll be there performing next week.

Well, look at that, two artists I've never even heard of.

Mr. Hesh...

Derek...

Bobbale...

I want you to open for Todd.

That's right, picture this, "Sold Out"

You can sell merch after the show, if you got any.

Oh, and it pays five grand.

Let me understand this.

You're gonna pay me $5,000 to tell jokes.

I can sell whatever merchandise I want afterwards.

Is this a trick? Who sent you here?

Huh? Who sent you here?

What happened to the tail end of my sub?

What? The sub tail, it's the best part.

When the cheese and meat and the peppers, they all accidentally get moved into the tail end of the bread situation.

Pat, I think we killed everything in it.

Yeah, it's all about the meat to bread ratio for me too, Pat.

She is cheating. I know it.

Enough.

All right, listen up.

I got a guy on the inside.

I met him when I was inside.

He's gonna meet up with you and lead us to Sammy.

I hope they have this in heaven.

Some guy shows up to the bar, offers me $5,000 to perform.

You serious? Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

I have never met anyone like you.

I have never met anyone like me.

I can't do it.

Why not?

It's gotta be the 500,000 views, it's gotta be, right?

Or it's a sign?

Stop sign.

People think you're funny.

Not everyone.

Oh, hi, there he is.

Okay, so this how it's gonna happen.

When we announce you, you go on.

You'll see a light in the middle of the room by the sound booth.

When that light hits you, you take your time, but wrap it up.

And we take care of the rest.

If I die on that stage tonight, I want you to take my ashes and I want you to spread them all over Brooklyn, okay?

God forbid, Pu-pu-pu.

You're already a hit.

Let's give him half the money back.

People skip their shows all the time, just say it was my voice or something, you know.

Yo, Bobby, coffee's over.

I'll take care of it in just a second. All right.

Todd Player, this is Derek Hesh.

Hey, Derek, man, God, yo, I'm a big fan, man.

I love your video, fucking shit is sick, man.

Comedy and music, it's like one and the same, every note counts.

I admire you, dude. Thank you.

I always heard if the opening act sucks, the whole show is a wash.

You guys are taking a big risk here, seriously, I'm telling you.

I could just leave and no one will even know I was here.

Derek, I am risk.

I freaking hand glided off the Rockies in the dead of winter.

Did the Baja 1000.

In just a jeep wrangler.

Swam with the sharks in the Dominican...

Naked.

You wanna open for yourself?

You got a fucking resume.

Dude, come on, you know, every night, I take the stage, right?

And I'm singing songs about lost pussy and runaway dogs and the fucking people are going ape shit, but you, you are doing important shit.

Yeah, man, you're you're saving the earth.

I think I'm a fucking fraud.

No, man. I do.

I wanna tell you something, my friend, 'cause you got sad eyes, I was bar mitzvahed at the Wailing Wall.

My real name is Todd Silverstein, I'm the son of a Jewish scrap man and a lesbian Hebrew school teacher.

Get the fuck out of here.

Derek, mazel tov.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage, all the way from your neighborhood watering hole, please give a warm Wisconsin welcome, to Derek Hesh. I'll be right back.

This better fucking work. You'll crush it.

Thank you, thank you.

You probably want me to sing you a little something.

Just like a little something. Let's rock it up. No, I'm okay.

♪ Something about the way ♪

♪ She keeps me hanging on ♪

♪ And I keep coming on back For more ♪ You probably want me to continue or...?

No, no it's... I'm sorry I said pussy.

Pussy.

You look like Tom Selleck fucked a badger.

Oh.

I gotta give you credit.

You have some balls leaving the house with that face.

He's cool.

Maybe we take him on the road with us.

It's not a bad idea.

You see my cocaine?

Nope. Nyquil?

Nope.

Maybe crush me up some Vibrin and baby aspirin and put it in my hummus.

You got it.

Your poor dad, your poor dad.

I'm sure he wished he pulled out.

How does it feel to put your parents in therapy?

So...

You and Derek.

You guys serious or what?

Very.

So...

Not really, then?

I get it.

Extremely.

I'll poke you on Facebook.

Give it up for the construction worker from the village people, everybody.

Doesn't he look like him? I mean, God.

And that mustache.

My name is Derek Hesh, thank you so much.

We have a great show for you guys.

Todd Player's coming to the stage.

Thank you very much.

There he is.

Derek, darling, you know, I think I can get you on The Show with Ian Cams.

The talk show? The one and only.

I can't do that, listen, I'm getting a little too popular and I'm trying to keep a low profile, so, it's not gonna happen, okay?

But, you know, Buble, Buble, he was discovered at a wedding.

Who gives a shit?

I give a shit.

I'm gonna get you his book.

Please, don't.

It's a great read. I don't read.

You know what, Derek, can I give you a hug? No.

Come on. No hugs.

Can I give you a hug, please? Don't touch me.

Can I just touch your face? No.

All right, how about this?

You want eight Thai boys massaging you in bare shorts and whispering sweet nothings in your ear? You got it.

You want a line of geishas doing magic tricks, pulling rabbits out of their assholes while they whistle Dixie?

You got it.

'Cause I'm your guy.

Bob Lifshitz, whatever you want, I'm your guy.

Listen... Listen, Bob, not interested, can't do it, not gonna happen.

That's it, it's done, over with, get out of here, come on, stop.

All right... This was fun, by the way.

You know Bob, said he can get me on the Ian Cams show.

What?

Yeah. That's amazing.

Are you gonna do it?

No, I can't do that, no.

Why? It's such a good opportunity.

Yeah, listen, um...

I've been wanting to tell you something, I gotta tell you something.

And I don't want you to get mad, okay?

But...

Here it is, my name is Sammy Legucci, it's not Derek Hesh and I'm in the Witness Protection Program.

In the, in, in the what, did you kill somebody?

No, no, listen...

What did you do?

Just...

I'm from Brooklyn, New York and I grew up with some bad people and I did some really bad things and now it's coming back and biting me in the ass.

Now I have to testify against them and the government put me here.

You know, to protect me for a couple months till I go back and testify.

But that's it, it's over, it's done with.

Okay, so...

So, so what does this mean for us then?

No, it doesn't mean anything. I just wanted to...

If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have said anything, but...

Look, I'm sorry, it's just, there's one more thing, I have a daughter.

Yes, and I have to go see her before this whole thing goes down.

I'm sorry.

Please.


How are you? Good.

How's Maddy? She's fine.

She's fine. Right.

In and out, right? That's it.

Okay, I mean, forget the boys, my daughter scares me more than they do.

Tell me about it.

She's gone, right? Yeah.

She's in the city for a couple days.

All right, good.

Thanks, Frank.


Hi.

Why did you have to go? It's not fair, Dad.

Maddy, I'll be back, I promise.

I can't tell you exactly when but I promise, I'll be back.

Just had to see your face.

You don't have another family somewhere, do you?

What? No. I don't have another family, honey, No, you're the only family I have.

Maddy, I love you very, very much, okay?

And I will be back, I promise, I will.

You think so?

I know so, honey.

Listen, I want you to be a good girl, I want you to listen to your mom, okay?

Okay. I love you so much.

I love you too.

I gotta go, okay.

And now, you know, walking down to the car, fucking clothes on my neck, my head, everywhere, I'm holding it up.

Get to my car, I'm looking around, it's fucking towed, gone, nothing is there.

So, now, I'm schlepping to, uh, my friend's apartment...

Had to take an Uber over here.

You guys take Uber, right?

You know that these guys can review you?

What do you think these reviews are even like?

As if I don't have enough negative feedback in my life.

And the technology in these cars, you know, you could just walk in, link up your Spotify, listen wirelessly, no problems.

Maybe they should link up with Tinder, maybe even Hotels Tonight, you know, take her out, lay her down, ship her out.

You guys ever check out this JSwipe thing?

Yeah, it's like Tinder for ugly people.

Done.

I gotta find better friends.

You know, most people have a friend for life, all my friends are doing life.

You know, but I'm new in town.

You know, I started dating, I met this girl, she got so many personalities.

She keeps asking me, "Do you even like me?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I like all seven versions of you.

I like your Sunday, I like your Tuesday, your Thursday is a little off.

Of course, I like you, you have sex with me."

Dating's hard, especially when you're getting old, God, I'm getting old.

You know how I'm getting old?

I used to play basketball, all day, every day, nothing, I was fine.

Yesterday, I pulled a muscle on my neck ordering food and looking left.

Yeah, there's a problem.

Anybody single in the audience? Any single guys in the audience?

I got some good news for you.

After this financial crisis, personality is making a comeback.

Personality is definitely making a comeback, I swear.

I got eight jokes and Honda Accord and I'm fucking everybody.

Okay, so, people are calling like crazy for reservations, Sammy.

We literally can't take them all.

Babe, can we please still call me Derek?

My fake identity is the only thing I still got going here.

I really messed up, you know that, right?

Why? By doing all this.

Becoming "The Man".

Doing stand up.

I mean, you might think it's cool, but...

Where I come from, my friends take this shit very seriously.

Well, what about the people that are protecting you?

What about 'em?

If you knew where I come from, ha.

Yeah, okay, look, there's a motel just past mile marker 61, meet there.

And as little talking as possible, you follow?

Yes, and bring the money, okay?

Of course, I'm sure, what are you...

Okay, yeah, goodbye.

Oh, that feels so good. I'm so glad you're here.

I know, I'm so happy to be here.

Uh, unfortunately, tonight we can't do anything.

What are you talking about? You're already here.

I know, but my girlfriend just reminded me, Mercury is in retrograde. What?

What does retrograde have to do with you and me?

I'm very sensitive right now.

And sleeping with you tonight could really set me off.

What? You didn't even know it was in retrograde before your friend told you.

I know. But I knew something was definitely off.

I mean, I cried during a "Save the Tiger" commercial and I don't even care about tigers.

Can't you just start this whole retrograde nonsense tomorrow?

I can't, I made a decision this morning and if there's one thing, you cannot change your mind when Mercury's in retrograde.

Hmm, well.

I guess maybe you should go.

You wanna cuddle?

Let's cuddle.

This is a disaster.

No, it's nice, there.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he's not even the talented one.

Come on, Sal, you gotta quit that shit.

Look, Sammy's always been funny.

He's got a thing about him, you know, he's the kind of guy you go to a party...

♪ I knew the day I met you ♪

♪ That I loved you And I needed you ♪ Sal, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Goddammit, Dom.

Look, I'm the one who played peter Pan in fifth grade.

Jesus Christ. Huh?

Remember that? I was good.

I was fucking great.

Flying around and shit.

Sammy? He couldn't even play one of them lost boys.

All he had to do was play lost.

Yeah, Star Search, you're fucking losing it.

Okay? Look, I don't even wanna do this Sammy shit.

What? Hunting him down, taking out our friend?

Oh, yeah? You wanna go to your Uncle Pat, and say we're not doing it?

Guy's not even my real uncle.

He's you know, that friend of the family who's at the house all the time, and you got to call him uncle.

Shit, I got actual uncles who get jealous when they hear me call him uncle.

It's too late, Dom, it's already in motion.

Fuck.

I can't believe you just broke into song.

Hey, I'm just trying to show you what's what.

Yeah.

I wanna be able to move him if we need to move him.

Move him if you wanna move him, you say?

Achoo.

Did you just sneeze?

It sounded like you said, "achoo" but you didn't sneeze.

Yeah, that's the way I sneeze.

Achoo.

Bless you. Thank you.

Okay, look.

We got to keep a closer eye on Legucci, all right?

We're hired to protect him, we can't let this get away from us.

I understand. Sometimes a man's gotta trust his instincts like a cat on a summer sprinkler.

What language are you speaking?

I don't understand.

Look, let's just make everyone's life a lot easier.

You keep a closer eye on Legucci.

No problem.

Achoo.

Bless you.

But, you know, this is like my first or second time being up here, trying this whole comedy thing.

I used to make fun of people, who used to go out in the audience and be like, pick somebody from, I mean that's not comedy.

I figured I gotta tell jokes, I gotta start learning how to tell stories.

So I'm gonna try some jokes on you guys.

You guys like blond jokes?

What's the first thing a blond girl says when she wakes up in the morning?

"Which one of you guys taking me home?"

A blond girl is driving to the beach, she sees a sign that says, "Beach Left", she makes U-turn and goes home.

These blond girls are unbelievable.

Yeah, so this blond girl is driving down the highway, she cuts off some guy, and the guy pulls up next to her and says, "Pull Over".

She pulls the car over, he's like, "Step out of the vehicle", takes a pencil, draws a circle, says, "Stay in the circle, don't move".

She's standing there, he turns around, takes a baseball bat, and starts breaking all her windows, boom, boom.

He turns around, the girl's on the floor, laughing, ha-ha-ha.

He's like, "What's so funny?"

Takes a match, lights her car, blows the shit up.

Turns around, the girl's dying on the floor, laughing.

He goes, "Are you stupid or something, what's so funny?"

She goes, "I'm stupid? Every time you turned around, I went outside the circle."

'Cause you just don't seem like a bad guy to me.

It's my smile.

It's been throwing people off for years.

You should've seen my first mugshot.

Looks like I won the lotto.

Can you just be serious, for once?

I'm gonna take this.

Hello.

Derek.

When Hashem grants you a gift, you gotta go with it.

So get ready to curl over, throw up and start getting nervous, 'cause you got The Show.

Bob? Yeah, who else?

I don't know, anyone but Bob.

Bubbale, you got The Show.

It's a lock, I sent them the video and they loved it.

We got dates.

Bob, you're fucking up my life, seriously.

It's a opportunity of a lifetime.

Comics' careers are made by doing The Show.

Look, I appreciate it, I really do.

But I can't do it.

I'm gonna let that marinate.

All right, marinate.

I can't do it. I appreciate it.

Look, thank you, but, no, thank you.

Great, I'll call you tomorrow. We'll close the deal.

Hello, hello.

What did he say?

I'm telling you, it's all in your head, bro.

I mean, why not try finding a girl who doesn't make you nuts?

They're out there, you know.

My gut's telling me she's got her hand on another man right now.

Both hands.

You just gel your hair?

I put a little spritz in it.

Trying something new.

That's good.

Thanks.

Uh, here come this fucking train-wreck.

How you doing, Marshall?

I have a drinking problem and a crush on a South American prostitute.

How does it look like I'm doing?

It's all there.

Here you go, this is where he spends most of his time.

How's he doing? Sammy?

You know, I've been at this job almost 20 years, and I've never seen ingratiate themselves in a community so quickly.

The guy found his calling.

Gotta give it to him for that, right?

We'll give it to him, all right.

Yeah, well, he's close. So it should be over pretty quickly.

Good.

We'll give the other 20 when the job is done.

Then I will see you boys soon.

These big city Marshalls are always on the verge of something, always on the verge of corruption, I don't know.

It's just more confusion than a crossword puzzle on a blind man's Tuesday.

Achoo. Bless you.

Thank you, sweetie. Achoo.

Bless you. Thank you, babe.

Well, why don't you check the Marshall's records?

You know, find out if he's made any calls to the New York area recently, and if so, to who.

That's a good idea.

I was gonna do it myself but that's a strong idea nonetheless, sweetie.

I'm just trying to help. Right, Rex? Mommy just wants to help out.

Right.

Rex, did you brush those teeth this morning?

No, I took a break from the brush.

Needs a break from the brush.

That Marshall's a real piece of work, huh?

Yeah, like he's had 20 years of bad luck.

Someone else is gonna see some bad luck today.

Can I help you?

We're looking for a friend of ours.

We hear he's inside.

Only friends here are mine.

Back up, Earl.

Yeah, I'll back up, but I'm right here if you need me.

I'm a day drinker, boys.

I do my nighttime shit during the daytime.

Let's dance.

No, where the fuck is he?

I sense your confidence from your puffed out chest and your wonderful hair.

But we don't know your friend.

We don't make new friends.

That long list is closed.

Yeah.

Maybe this will help.

Oh, no.

You can check inside if you would like.

Go right on ahead.

You got great taste in hair.

But this ain't over.

Let's go.

Fucking guy sends us right into a clubhouse?

Time to pay the Marshall a visit.

We can stay here if you need us to.

I don't really like slumber parties with dudes and I didn't bring my pajamas, but I can see you're very, very scared.

I think the guns and the hatchet shook 'em up for a little while, though.

How the hell did they find me?

I'm in Wisconsin.

Hmm.

Most specially considering how teeny tiny you are. I'm 5'7".

I think that's a little bit of a lie.

5' 6 and a half.

I think you're still lying to yourself.

5'6", honestly.

Just let it go.

Maybe like 5'4".

And you're all over the internet.

Hey, this is Mike Stevens, welcome back to 106.5 WKTU.

Some local gossip news here, we hear that local comedian and internet sensation, Derek Hesh will be announcing that he is going on the Ian Cams show.

It's all going down tonight at the Corner Parks.

Stay tuned to win tickets this week and it only shoots two hours away in Grand Rapids.

I tried to eat puppet pussy and I got splinters in my teeth.

All right, that's enough, we have to go.

Fine, fine.

Ruined my pussy and my night.

Let's just get there so we can all feel bad about our lives.

That's a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man responsible for the success of this place, and he's doing The Show, Derek Hesh.

Whoo! Oh!

You know, the first time I came up here, I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just speaking my mind, and you guys laughed.

And it made me feel really, really good.

But, unfortunately,

this is the end for me.

I can't do The Show.

Derek Hesh is not even my name.

Derek Hesh is the name the government gave me.

My name is Sammy Legucci.

I'm a small-time gangster from Brooklyn and I decided to testify against my best friends.

The government put me here so they can protect me.

They're not really doing a great job.

You don't know these guys.

Hold on here, excuse me.

Hold on, excuse me.

Excuse me, Derek or Sammy or whatever your name is, can you just sit down? I have something to say.

Sit down.

You awakened the people of this town.

I lost my wife, the love of my life, the woman that meant everything to me.

Sure, I lost her few blocks away to claw out the berry farmer.

What the hell, shit happens.

The point is, you gave me an outlet.

So, thank you.

Me too.

Shit.

I'm famous 'cause of you, bro.

My name is Clint Morris.

And most of you fucking people know me 'cause you probably drove me home when I was drunk.

But, guess what, that ain't me now.

Okay?

I saw that video and I saw that anger that got the best of me and I fucking cried.

I cried.

For the first time in my life.

And I don't know what you...

If you people fucking know what 35 years of pent up tears looks like, I'll tell you.

It's like both my eyes were going to the bathroom.

Each eye, individually, just fucking pissing.

Fuck...

One time in third grade, an unfortunate young man made the costly mistake of calling me stupid while I was giving a speech, and so, I chewed his nose and pushed him off a bridge.

I took care of that.

But I digress.

You know, I've never seen my sister so happy.

Used to seeing her in bad relationship after bad relationship after bad relationship.

Usually had to step in and hit people very hard.

So I don't really care what your real name is, or what you did in your past, or even how tall you are.

I just know that you make her really happy and, um, her being happy really means a lot to me, so...

So I say if you wanna go do The Show then just go fucking do it.

Iron Badgers got your back.

Let's do it.

You guys like Italian food?

I like Italian Food, I went to an Italian restaurant in this town, unbelievable.

I walk in, waitress come over, she gives me a menu.

I'm like, "Excuse me, how is the penne pasta here?"

She goes, "It's $21."

I go, "Who asked you? How is it?"

She's like, "I don't know, nobody ever orders it, it's $21."

Difference is, where I come from, you go to an Italian restaurant for an experience.

It's a real experience, you walk in, guy named Joey walks over, he's like, "How you doing?"

You good?", "Good, I'm good." "Yeah, sit down, what, you hungry?"

"Yeah, I was thinking maybe we'll have pasta."

"You want pasta? Frankie!

Let's get this guy some meatballs, let's get him some penne, let's get his some spaghetti, let's get him some pasta.

What are you drinking?

"Maybe a glass of wine." "Give him a bottle of wine."

I'm eating, I'm drinking, it's the best experience of my life, then I ask him the bill. Guy goes, "Bill? We don't have a bill here.

I mean, what did you have?" "Had some pasta, some wine."

"Give me $300, we're good."

$300, unbelievable.

You guys like Jewish jokes?

Anybody wanna hear Jewish jokes?

One day, outside of a church, there's two guys standing there.

One guys is holding a sign that says, "I'm Jewish, please help."

Right next to him, another guy is standing, says, "I'm Catholic, please help."

People coming out of church, they see these two guys, everybody is walking over to the Catholic, obviously, it's outside of a church, start giving him money.

This goes on for weeks.

The more times, they see this guy holding the sign, that says, "I'm Jewish", they go to the Catholic guy, they give him more money, more money.

One day the priest comes out.

Walks over to the guy with the sign, "I'm Jewish", says, "Listen, I'm gonna help you out, you know, there's a synagogue down the block, I think if you stand there, you'll make more money, you obviously see people giving money to the guy with the "Catholic" sign.

The guy looks at the priest, then looks at the guy with the "Catholic" sign and goes, "Jaco, they're trying to teach us how to make money."

Jews, they're the best.

I'm sure I'm fine, just let me speak to her for a minute.

For what? ...for what? Sammy?

Listen, I just want to hear her voice, okay?

God forbid, something happens, I just want to hear her voice.

Can you please put her on the phone, Maria, just one second?

Okay, Sammy.

Don't let her down.

We'll be watching.

Nothing is gonna happen to you.

Okay? Nothing.

You were never in any trouble, these rednecks aren't gonna pull the trigger on you.

We know that.

We just wanted to thank you for getting us close.

Seriously.

You're gonna get the rest of your money.

Well, that is much appreciated.

My hooker's got me in couple's therapy.

Whatever.

You could've gotten us fucking killed out there.

Killed? What? Would you relax?

No one's getting killed on my watch.

I've been doing this for 23 years...

Enough.

No wonder this guy's paying for pussy, won't shut up.

What the fuck, Sal? In the car?

I'm sorry, I'll clean it up.

I'm on edge.

Lorie hasn't responded in 13 hours, except for two or three Ks and "Of course, I still like you."

I mean, I'm literally, losing my mind at this point.

Sal, you killed a US Marshall, bro...

Dude, she's got three new likes on her page, from guys that I've never even seen before.

You're fucking unstable. You're telling me.

She posted two pictures of herself in lingerie.

I mean, what the fuck?

You girl posts lingerie pictures on Facebook?

Yeah, she says, if I can model, so can she.

But you don't even fucking model.

Come on, man, where's the support, huh?

I'm working on my look book.

Oh, shut the fuck up, come on.

My God, this motherfucker's heavy.

Oh, God.

I'm Special Agent Nicholas. Can we talk?

And you think the Marshall is calling the shots?

Yes, I do. He had a sleepy disposition about him.

And I've been working off gut instinct and cornbread for 20 years.

Okay, I got an inkling stronger than a redneck with a pale wife.

Look, these are serious allegations, Colin.

Are those words coming out of your mouth?

There hasn't been a corrupt Marshall mob connection since 1977.

I understand.

I understand but I'm surer than a week old toast in the kitchen of cougar.

Look, my husband has a gift.

He told he thought that my daddy was cheating on my mommy, two weeks later, they filed for divorce.

Daddy had a lover.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Did you know the other woman or?

A woman? No, he left her for a 26 year old firefighter named Brick.

Big son of a bitch. Oh, yeah.

Then I'll make the call.

Man didn't ask you to a Walker Texas, buddy.

Go make the call.

Why you looking at my wife funny?

No, I wasn't looking at your wife funny?

I just feel bad about Brick.

I truly have never cared less about what one man has said to me.

Unlike your physical presence, your fear's very, very tall.

But it doesn't need to be.

We're gonna get to the place, assess the situation, and make sure you're protected.

I hope the motherfucker does try some shit.

No, you don't. No, I don't.

Okay, everything's going to be fine.

We are going to go there, you're going to be amazing, and then, we're gonna come home.

Because I have way too many plans for us, okay?

You know what god says about plans, right?

You don't know?

Hey, I wanted to say something to you up on that stage.

Oh, yeah, what would you have said?

I would've said that you have made my life so much better.

You know, regardless of what happens between us, it's... just true.

Did I really?

I mean, if we really break it down, did I make your life that much better?

I mean, there was the whole lie. Hmm.

The criminal past. Hmm.

Can you just shut up for one second?

Yeah.

All right, let's introduce Derek Hesh to the world.


It had to be done.

For this, you two are gonna get a bump when you get back, Sal.

You and Dom both.

We got big plans for you.

We appreciate that, Pat.

Of course.

What am I, an animal?

Call me when it's done.

You wanna know the truth?

Please, enlighten me.

I'm going to hit you with the truth.

When a girl says "K", she don't give a fuck about you.

And when she says, "I like you", it's not code for love.

She fucking likes you, likes, that's it.

And she goes silent at 9:00 pm., there's a 99 percent chance she's fucking somebody else.

You are crossing a line, Dom.

You are really crossing a fucking line!

Sammy shit on every dream I ever had, you know that.

Dude, the kid liked to bust balls is all.

Not for nothing, Sal, modeling thing, little out there.

I'm uncomfortably handsome in certain circles.

What circles? Circles!

Anyway, fuck Sam. He's a rat.

He's a rat? Yeah, he's a rat.

Everyone's a fucking rat.

For all we know, it was Pat that dimmed on us.

I mean, that motherfucker's got Intel on everyone.

He knows where Sammy was living, what he was doing, where he was going, who the fuck knows anymore?

It is what it is, Dom.

Fuck that overused phrase.

Lorie loved that saying.


I gotta take this.

Hello.

They said Derek Hesh is performing, they didn't even have a picture of you.

Yeah, they don't do that all the time.

Oh, my God, I swear to God, Sam Legucci, if you're not on the TV tonight...

Calm down, okay.

Put Maddy on the phone, please.

Fine, honey, your father.

Daddy? Hey, baby.

Daddy, you don't have to be nervous, you're gonna be great.

I know, listen, Maddy.

No matter what happens tonight, I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in the whole world, okay, honey?

What do you mean? It's gonna be great.

I know.

Can you put your mom back on the phone?

I love you, Maddy.

We're gonna be watching, Sammy Legucci.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Me too.

There must've been love there at some point.

I will call more like a strong, strong like.

Okay, so what's with this Derek Hesh?

Uh, million hits, kid's blowing up, I mean, this show is really lucky to have him.

Okay, I've heard of Chappelle. I've heard of Attell, I've heard of Rock.

I've never heard of Hesh.

Well, you will after tonight.

Didn't I tell you we'd get you here?

Thanks, Manny.

Hey, I know it's hard for you to understand our world, this is what we do.

Now go knock 'em dead.

"Knock 'em dead?"

What do you mean, "A special feed"?

It's welcometotheshow.tv, and we can watch live all their taping.

We're gonna see Daddy on TV, it's gonna be great.

That would be great, honey.

Mom, you should give him a break, he's trying.

What more can you ask for?

And he's famous.

He's famous.

Let's do it? Great. Mm-hmm.

You know this is amazing, right?

You get to have your moment.

Not everybody gets to have their moment.

Hmm.

I'll see you when it's over.


Well, if it isn't Don fucking Rickles.

Don't fucking move. Don't you fucking move.

You, get out of the bed slowly, face the wall.

I'm so sick of your fucking whining.

Dom, what the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Dom, I got some guys with me.

They can hide you out, come with me.

No, bro.

You do your thing, Sammy.

You're fucking talented.

I'm proud of you, bro.

I always loved you, Dom.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Kill it. Excuse me.

You're on in five minutes.

I'm so sorry.

What's going on out here?

I just ran into some old friends.

Okay, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, we are happy to have him, give it up, you guys, for the very funny, the hilarious, Derek Hesh.

Thank you very much, thank you.

First, I'd like to start by saying hello to my daughter.

Maddy, look at this, your father figured out a way to get on TV with absolutely no talent.

I'm obviously not the first one.

Um...

But first, I'd like to set the record straight.

My name is actually not Derek Hesh.

No, my name is Sammy Legucci, and I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

That's right.

Thank you.

Um, you know, I didn't Google this or anything but I'm pretty sure I'm the first comedian in the history of comedy to be doing The Show while still in the Witness Protection Program.

Yeah, the Program's got a new thing they're trying, they throw you on TV, and just hope for the best.

Uh, but the truth is, having a loudmouth comment for everything is actually not a bad way to get into comedy.

I mean, I've been in the program for, like, a month now, I must've offended the whole town.

Um...

But to figure out how I got here, we got to start with my family, ha, my family.

My dad, last thing he said to me before he left, he was like, "Son, you're the man of the house now."

I'm thinking to myself, "I'm seven."

He was a bank robber.

Not a good one, we never had any money.

The guy was unbelievable, the guy was unbelievable.

I mean, the last time I saw him, he went out for a carton of milk, the next time I saw him, he was on the carton of milk.

I mean, he kept sending me pictures of himself.

Always wearing the same thing, an orange jumpsuit.

I just thought he liked Halloween, what do I know, right?

But, you know, I made a promise to myself, I would never be like him, no, siree, I would never be like him,

But I figured life's a gamble, right?

I mean, I made it all the way here on a bet.

So you know what, from now on, I'm gonna bet on myself.

That's right, I'm gonna bet on Sammy Legucci.

I appreciate your time, thank you very much, thank you, thank you.

Maddy, I love you so much, I'll see you soon.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.