A Taste of Honey (1961) Script

Go on, go on!

Come on, Jo, come on!

Come on, move with the ball!

That's it, up, come on, jump!

Don't let it drop into your hands, jump!

Go for it, Jo, come on!

That's right, go on.

Oh, come on, Jo, pull yourself together!

Move with it!

You're not much good at netball, are you, Jo?

No, Iím bad on purpose.

Are you going dancing tonight? I can't.

You never go anywhere, do you?

I haven't got any clothes to wear, for one thing.

And for another... What?

We might be moving home again.

Like gypsies, you and your mother.

So what?

Don't think it's the first time Iíve heard you and your men friends here in the afternoon.

This is a respectable house and I mean to keep it that way.

I warned you when you first came, no gentlemen and pay regular.

You owe me two months' rent. If I don't have it by tomorrow, you're out!

I don't want any more of your fancy men coming in here.

And that's my last word! Oh, shut up, you'll get your rent.

Suppose that means another flit?

She's always glued to television at tea time. We can slip out that window.

Now, come on, hurry up!

Be a bit useful for a change.

Now, come on, hurry up!

Now, come on, hurry up, keep quiet!

Come on!

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# The alley-alley-o, the alley-alley-o

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# On the last day of September

# The captain said it would never never do

# Never never do, never never do

# The captain said it would never never do

# On the last day of September

# We dipped our heads in the deep blue sea

# The deep blue sea, the deep blue sea

# We dipped our heads in the deep blue sea

# On the last day of September

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# The alley-alley-o, the alley-alley-o

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# On the last day of September

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o #

Come on, hurry up. Hurry up, Jo. Can you manage? Hurry up.

Let me give you a hand. Thanks very much. itís up here.

Oh, she's so stupid! She's getting bone lazy, that girl.

Thanks very much. Ta-ra.

See ya.

This the bedroom? Well, what do you think?

Sharing a bed again, I see.

I can't bear to be parted from you for a minute What I wouldn't give for a room of me own.

Oh, isn't that awful?

Well, don't look at it, then.

I do hate to see an unshaded light bulb dangling from the ceiling like that.

Ooh! God, it's hot! Oh, you do get on my nerves!

Why can't you leave things alone?

I can get a proper shade tomorrow. What makes you think we'll live that long?

The roof's leaking.

No, it's not, it's condensation.

Make me a cup of coffee, love, I feel rotten.

Every time I move me head me eyeballs hurt.

Where's the kitchen? itís along the corridor. Ooh...

D'you know, I think Iíve got more than a cold. I think it's flu.

Why should I run after you?

Because children owe their parents these little attentions!

Which knob do I turn?

Switch 'em all on, you're bound to find the right one in the end.

And mind you don't gas yourself.

Oh, the way you bang about!

Where's the coffee? Er... it's in the brown suitcase.

I was thinking of washing me hair tonight but I don't think Iíd better with this cold.

Oh, do hurry up, love, Iíve got to meet Peter.

Who's Peter?

Now, don't get into any mischief, Gladys. Oh, go on!

Cheeky monkey!

# Why does he follow me about

# And wait up for me when it's my night out?

# Why? Because he loves me

# Why does he help me shell the peas and stick the fork in the sausages?

# Why? Because he loves me

# And when he's got lumbago in his back Iíve got

# To make him poultices, all nice and hot

# Why does he smile with never a frown?

# If it gets too hard it slips right down

# Why? Because he loves me #


Oh, no, go on!

# Why when his wife gives me the sack

# He throws her out and he takes me back

# Why? Because he loves me

# Why does his wife wear bits of string

# While I wear garters with diamonds in?

# Why? Because he loves me

# I have to lather him each morning when he shaves

# I piles the lather on in little waves

# Why does he sit in his chair and blush

# When I tickle his chin with a lather brush?

# Why? Because he loves me #

Oh, shut up!

Give over!

Oh, no.

Buzz off, love, I don't feel like it. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's the little lady want, an engagement ring?

I always accept the odd diamond ring with pleasure.

Who's that? itís me daughter.

Hello, then. What's this one called?

Oh, go to bed, go on!

Are you coming? Not yet.

Then IíII wait for you. is she always like this?

She's jealous. That's something I didn't bargain for.

She ought to be in bed. I know.

Shall I retire while you kiss her good night?

IíII kiss you good night, young lady!

Look after your mother while she's ailing.

You know how fragile these old ladies are.

Oh, buzz off!

Ooh, he's a noisy beggar, that one.

What's that bed like?

Like a coffin, only half as comfortable. itís where we all end up in the end.

Oh, now, come on, Jo, get that light off and let's get to bed.

Aren't we going to clear this luggage up? Oh, it'll look all right in the dark.

Yeah, it's seen at its best, this room, in the dark.

Everything's seen at its best in the dark.

Even me.

I can't understand why you're so frightened of it. itís not the darkness outside Iím frightened of. itís the darkness inside houses I don't like.

Hey, Jo, what would you do if I told you I was thinking of getting married again?

Iíd have you locked up in an institution right away.

You're up early. itís a long way from here to school.

Not for much longer, thank God. Only a few more days.

You're still set on leaving, then. What are you going to do?

Get out of your sight as soon as possible. Get a bit of money in me pocket.

Well, it's your life, ruin it your own way. Takes me all me time to look after meself.

Here, love, you've forgotten this... Oh. Give those to me!

Oh, I say. Leave them alone, IíII pick them up.

Have you done these? Yes.

Oh, I didn't realise Iíd got such a talented daughter.

Iím not just talented, Iím geniused.

What's these?

Self-portraits. Oh, give 'em here.

I suppose you've got to draw yourself, nobody else'd draw you.

Hey! is that supposed to be me?


Don't I look a proper misery?

Still, it's very artistic, in't it?

Tell me, Jo, have you ever thought of taking it up properly and going to art school?

Iíve had enough of schools.

Too many different schools in too many different places.

Well, I think you're wasting yourself, I do.

So long as I don't waste anybody else.

Anyway, why are you so suddenly interested in me?

You never cared much before.

I know. Iím a cruel, wicked mother

\x22The voice I hear this passing night was heard

\x22In ancient days by emperor and clown:

\x22Perhaps the selfsame song that found a path

\x22Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home

\x22She stood in tears amid the alien corn;

\x22The same that ofttimes hath

\x22Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam

\x22Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

\x22Forlorn! the very word is like a bell

\x22To toll me back from thee to my sole self.

\x22Adieu! the Fancy cannot cheat so well

\x22As she is famed to do, deceiving elf.

\x22Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades

\x22Past the near meadows, over the still stream, \x22Up the hillside; and now 'tis buried deep...\x22



Don't you remember me?

Oh, yes, you helped us off the bus.

That's right. What you doing out here?

What are you?

Iím the cook.

What's the matter with your knee?

I fell down some steps at school.

Looks bad. Needs a bandage.

Come on, IíII fix it for you.

Where are we going?

Come on.

They're all off duty.

Come on!

Iíve never been on one of these before. itís all right.

Mind your 'ead.

So this is where you do your cooking, is it?

Yes, this is it. Now, come on.

Let's have a look at it.

Oh, very 'handsome! Sure, now, come on!

Don't be so soft. I won't hurt you, Iím very professional.

What were you doing round here, anyway? I was kept in late at school.

I didn't want to go home until me mam had gone out with her boyfriend.

I often come this way.


itíII take him a long time to sleep that off.

Helen, come and live with me.

Oh, go on, I don't fancy it.

I may never ask you again. Oh, go on!

I want to make an honest woman of you.

Oh, go on, you're drunk. Iím not, Iím not.

Iím old enough to be your mother.

You know I like this mother-and-son relationship.

Oh, stop it!

Aren't you wearing your girdle? Oh, give over!

Well, you certainly liberate something in me and it's not maternal instincts, either!

I must go in. Iíve got to see about a job tomorrow.

Will I see you?

Iím not coming to that ship again. Anything might happen to a girl! it almost did, you shameless woman! itís you taking advantage of my innocence.

You enjoyed it as much as I did. Shut up!

This is the sort of conversation that can colour a young girl's mind.

I must go in and get me beauty sleep.

Good night.

Good night, Jo!


Surprised to find me waiting for you? Not really.

Glad I came? You know I am.

IíII walk you home.

itís sad to think that once I was a happy young man without a care in the world.

Now Iím trapped in a primitive cult.

What's that? Mau Mau? No, matrimony!

Trapped? I like that! You almost begged me to marry you.

Did your ancestors come from Africa?

No, Liverpool! Were you expecting to marry a man whose father beat the tom-tom?

There's still a bit of jungle in you somewhere.

I must go home. You're the boss.

Well, goodbye.

Hey! Aren't you gonna kiss me goodbye? You know I am.

Dream of me.

Dreamt of you last night.

Fell out of bed twice! Ta-ra! I love ya!

Why do you love me?

Cos you're daft!

is that you, Jo? Yeah.

Well, you're late. Where've you been?

I met a friend.

Oh! Well, he certainly knows how to put pink in your cheeks.

What makes you think it's a he?

I certainly hope it isn't a she that makes you walk around in this enraptured fashion.

He's a sailor.

Well, I hope you exercised proper control over his nautical ardour.

Jo, Iíve got summat to tell you.

Jo, Iím gonna get married again.

is it that Peter Smith? He's the unlucky man, yes.

You're centuries older than him.

D'you mind? Iím only eight years.

What use can a woman of your age be to anybody?

Don't talk about me as if Iím an impotent old woman!

You're not exactly a child bride. I was once.

I hope to be dead and buried by the time I reach your age.

Just think, you've been living for 40 years!

I know. I must be a biological phenomenon!

You don't look 40.

You look a sort of well-preserved 60.

Ooh, you're a cheeky monkey, you are!

Anyway, we're off to Blackpool this weekend.

You're not leaving me here on me own?

You've been on your own before now.

Well, Iím coming with you this time.

All right, if you want to, love.

Iíve got something for you.

What is it?

A ring!

What will your mother say?

Don't care what she says.

She doesn't know Iím...? No.

Whatever else she might be, she isn't prejudiced.

You're not worried about it, are you?

Well, so long as you like it.

You know I do.

Here, this ring, it's too big. Couldn't wear it for school, anyway.

Let's go all romantic. Got a piece of string?

Come on, turn out your pockets.

Gosh, don't little boys carry some trash? Hey, what's this?

Just a toy car. Can I try it?

Go on, then.

No, goes like this, look.

I like that.

Can I keep it?

Take it. My soul and all. Everything!

Thanks. I know.

I can use my hair ribbon for me ring.

Do it up for me.

Pretty neck you've got.

Glad you like it. itís my schoolgirl complexion.

Oh, I must go home.

IíII just go and hurry her up. All right, love.

Hey, aren't you ready? Bert and Doris are waiting.

I won't be a minute, love.

You wearing your blue garters? Oh, stop it.

Hello, Daddy

You've told her, then.

Yes. Now, would you mind going in there and leaving me alone for a minute?

What's she all dressed up for?

Iím coming with you, Mr Smith.

That's right. it was a bit awkward, lovely.

I bought her these chocolates. Well, give them to her, go on.

Well, here y'are. Trying to buy me off, eh?

Well, Iím still coming with you.

Now come on, you two, go in the other room while I finish me toilet.

I won't be a minute, really I won't.

Make up to him, love, and be nice. He brought you some chocolates!

Don't get impatient, Mr Smith. The artwork takes a long time.

Joey, Joey, Joey!

Why d'you have a glass eye?

Er... I lost one during the war.

And can you take that eye out?

Don't ask daft questions!

D'you wear it when you go to bed?

Well, there's one highly recommended way for a young lady to find out.

Oh, d'you fancy me?

No, thanks.

You prefer old women.

Well, that's love, innit?

You don't like your mother much, do you? She doesn't much care for me.

Iím not surprised.


You sure you lost that eye during the war?

Are you married? No, Iím still available.

But only just. How do I look? Fantastic. Come on.

Come on, love, and put your face straight for goodness' sake.

Robin Hood and his merry men Went to school and back again The teacher said you're late again...

Do we have to have her tagging along? Bloody little nuisance!

Don't talk about her like that! Bloody happy family!

Anyway, there won't be room in the car. We can squeeze her in.

Iím coming! Come on, Helen!

I want to fix these shoes, they're...

Jo, come on! Ooh, you look lovely!

Jo, this is Doris, Doris, this is Jo.

Come on, get in! Oh, shut up, you bad-tempered thing!

Looks as though it might be a lovely day. Hope it stops fine. itís no more than we deserve.

Well, you're the lucky one, aren't you? What d'you mean, love?

Little lady's big surprise. What d'you think about that?

is this for us? Where'd you find it?

One of the lads at the club wanted to sell it so I bought it.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Look, a bungalow with bay windows and crazy paving.

Oh, look, Jo. itís all right. Certainly fixed up things behind my back.

# The time comes along, and I

# Knock the guy that say that it's a crime

# Iím gonna grab it, our habit

# Why not, why not, why not?

# Guess some fun's in sight on a party night

# What's it matter what they're singing about?

# Iím gonna grab it, our habit

# Why not, why not, why not?

# So if a pretty chick is possible

# To get to the other side Come on!

# That pretty chick better jump down quick...

# Baby, baby, you're so square

# Things you do really get in my hair

# You dig that jazz like no one do

# I wanna rock and roll with you, let's rock

# Let's rock

# Let down your hair

# Don't be a square

'Now we have Fascination by Van Gogh, which now hangs in the Louvre gallery in Paris.'

Here we have our lovely Lorraine in her exotic, exciting pose as a provocative provoking provocation.

We hope she'll be our guest artiste for the rest of the season.

And now, in comparison, here is the ugly blackened shell of the Parisian Georgette.

She used to play Cinderella, but she took to drugs and excessive alcohol.

Now she couldn't even play the wick in Aladdin's lamp.

And now a short scene from the famous film Dracula.

Die, girl, die!

That was the vampire strangling his...

..I mean her victim.

And now we have Fascination by Van Gogh, which now hangs in the Louvre gallery in Paris.

'Fascination. '

# Let's slip away

# Somewhere quiet

# Let's slip away

# And live on a diet of love

# And kisses all day

# Slip away, slip away

# Let's slip away

# Let's play truant

# Let's go today, just ask me and... #

Oh, look, there's the gypsy that told me fortune last year, she's wonderful.

I never believe a word they say. Hey, where you going? itíII be raining again in a minute.

They'll be half an hour now.

D'you feel like that about me, Mr Smith?

Or must we wait until we're alone for an answer?

Will you behave yourself! Iím getting wet and Iím tired.

Iím not surprised. The way you're guzzling them chocolates I wonder you're not sick.

Don't boss me about, you're not me father! Ah, get lost and leave us alone!

You leave me alone and leave my mother alone, too!

I know you're planning to run off with my old woman.

What you gonna do about me? Hey, me blazer!

Oh! IíII knock your head in, you jealous little cat!

She's always like this if Iím affectionate with anybody.

You've never been affectionate with me. That's no way to talk to your mother.

Shut up! You've really upset Peter now, you have.

Now send the kid home! I won't spend another minute with her.

I feel properly embarrassed in front of Bert and Doris.

Well, she's been on her own before. I suppose she'll be all right.

Come on, make up your mind! Either she goes or I do. Now, which is it?

You've properly upset Peter. You've got to go home.

Come on, Helen!

Oh, stop shouting!

Iím gonna give her some money so she can get home. Here you are, love.

Shall I come to the bus stop with you?

I can find me own way to the bus stop. Don't treat me like a baby.

Go back to your friends! Oh, you do show me up, you do!

You will be all right though, won't you? itís not the first time you've gone away. Don't get a conscience now!

Come on!

And another thing, we're not having her living with us! Now think on that!




What's the matter? Have you been crying?

No. Oh, you would have to be here when I feel such a mess!

Listen to that. IíII be gone soon.

Me heart's broke You can lie in bed and hear me ship passing down the old canal.

is my ring still round your neck?


Well, wear it, then. Unfasten it, then.

Pretty neck you've got. Glad you like it.

Let me put it on.

Did it cost you very much?

Shouldn't ask questions like that.

I got it in Woolworth! Woolworth's best, eh?

I don't care. itís the thought that counts.

I wonder what the thought was in your wicked mind that made you buy it?

Will you stay with me?

If that's what you want.

That's what you want.

Probably never see you again. I know it.

What makes you say that?

I just know it, that's all.

But I don't care.

Stay with me now. itís enough.

And if you do come back IíII still be here.

IíII come back.

Anyway, after this, perhaps you might not want to come back.

After all, Iím not very experienced in these little matters.

I am.

Don't do that.

Why not?

I like it.

Well, I must go. Are you all right?

Course Iím all right. You'd better hurry up.

We sail sometime this afternoon. Today?

Yes. Don't forget me. I won't.

See you. Come on there, hurry up!

# Oh, dear, what can the matter be?

# Three old ladies got locked in a lavatory

# They were there from Monday to Saturday

# Nobody knew they were there #

Jo, are you still in bed? itís three o'clock.

The sun's shining. Yes. Happy the bride the sun shines on.

And happy the corpse the rain rains on.

Where you going, anyway?

Iíve come to get my things. Iím gonna get married.

Really? You're not getting married in a church, are you?

Why, you coming to throw bricks at us? Course Iím not.

Hey, Jo.


How d'you like this?

Bet somebody's missing their cat. itís a present from that young man of mine.

You would catch cold, wouldn't you? Use your hankie.

I haven't got one. Use mine, then.

What are you trying to hide? Nothing.

Let's have a look. Let go, you're hurting me!

What's this? A ring.

I can see it's a ring. Who's given it you?

The man Iím gonna marry.

Silly little bitch!

You mean that sailor lad you've been knocking about with?

Has he really asked you to marry him? Yes. We're as good as married.

You know where this belongs? In the ash can with everything else!

I could kill you, I could really!

You've already had a damn good try!

Oh, Jo, why can't you learn from my mistakes? it takes half your lifetime to learn from your own.

Oh, what a thing to happen!

As soon as me back's turned you'll be off with that sailor lad and ruin yourself.

Don't worry, Helen. He's gone away.

IíII probably never see him again for months.

Oh, Jo, love.

You're only young.

Why don't you enjoy your life? Don't get trapped.

Marriage can be murder for a kid.

Oh, give me your hankie back.

Where's your husband? He's outside waiting for me.

Ooh, I say, look at that.

Every line tells a dirty story.

Helen? Yeah?

What was me father like?

Who? Me father.

Oh, him.

Was he so horrible that you can't even tell me about him?

No, he wasn't horrible. He was just a bit simple, that's all.

Are you serious? Course Iím serious.

You're a liar!

Am I?

No. So now you know.

Was he... a real idiot? Well, he wasn't daft, he was...

I don't know. He'd got funny eyes.

You've got them.

Iíve no time to waste here. Where is he now?

Locked up? Course not. He's dead.


Why? Don't ask me why.

Death comes to us all sooner or later.

Oh, I must go.

Madness is hereditary, isn't it?

Oh, for God's sake, Jo.

Decide for yourself whether you're mad or not.

Course you're not mad, and neither was he.

You said he was an 'alfwit.

How could you go with an 'alfwit?

I don't know. Everybody used to laugh at him but I thought he was rather nice.

Tell me.

I want to understand.

Look, Jo.

For one night, well, actually it was the afternoon, I loved him.

Iíd never really been with a man before. it was the first time.

You can remember the second and the third and the fourth time.

But there's no time like the first. itís always there.

Oh, it's no good, love, Iíve got to go. Peter's gonna kill me.

Aren't you sorry to see me go?

Iím not sorry and Iím not glad.

Iím not gonna wait for you to come back.

Well, suit yourself, then.

And think on, take summat for that cold.

I say, what a smasher!

Look at Gertie getting fatter!

Find a stick and throw it at her!

I say, what a smasher!

Look at Gertie getting fatter IíII give you a clout across the earhole!

Find a brick and throw it at her...

Good luck, Helen. Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? it seems ages since you kissed me. Save it for him.

You will be all right, love, won't you? Course IíII be all right.

Iíve got a job starting on Monday in a shoe shop.

Yes, well, IíII see you when the honeymoon's over. Ta-ra, love.


# And a face I do not know

# Oh, Betty Grable is a star, S-T-A-R Look at Gertie getting fatter!

Get a brick and throw it at her!

I say, what a smasher...

No, no, I don't care for them.

IíII look for some more. No, don't bother.

You haven't got much of a stock here.

Perhaps we can order something for you.

No, thank you, IíII go up to the centre. They've got more fashions there.

Oh, you've got to get used to all sorts, love.

When you've been here a week or two, her sort won't bother you at all.

She made me get all the stock out.

I haven't made one sale yet. Give yourself time.

Oh, Jo, Iíve got to go out. Lock up for me, will you?

Yes, but if you don't mind IíII make it six on the dot.

Iím going to see some rooms Iím thinking of moving into. I fancy a change.

Ah, well, good night. Night.

Can I help you?

Yes, I want a pair of shoes. What sort of shoes?

Have you got any of them Italian...

Casuals? Yeah.

What size? Eight.

Any particular colour? No.

Hey, but nothing too startling.

Mm, these are nice.

Oh, aye. Can I try 'em?

Fit all right? Yeah, they're very comfortable.

Are they very expensive?

Not really. They're in the sale, 18 bob.

They're not bad, are they? No, I think they look very smart.

They really cost 24/11, so you got a real bargain.

Well, IíII have 'em. Ta.

Hey, you needn't bother to wrap 'em. They'll go in there.

I think you'll find them very nice for the summer.

If we have any. Mm.

Two bob change. Just right.

Thank you.

Ta-ra. Ta-ra.

Here we are.

You'll have to clean it up a bit.

Won't it be too big for you?

No, this is just nice. Iíve always wanted a place of me own.

30 bob a week, is it? That's it.

Collect on Fridays, I suppose.

Aye, payday. Iím in there while they've still got it.

I can give it you in advance. Oh, ta, love.

30 bob.

You move in whenever you like.

'Ello! 'Ello!

Fancy seeing you here. You enjoying it?

Yes, I always do. So do I.

Hey, them shoes are ever so comfortable.

Yes, they look very smart.

Are you by yourself? Yes.

Would you like to go to the fair?

Oh, Iíd love to. Would you? Oh, come on!

I haven't been to a fair since Christmas. Thanks, Geoff.

I loved it.

Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night.


Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?

Well, of course I have!

Then what are you lurking about for down there?

Come on in if you're coming.

Hey, d'you want the light on? No, don't you dare put that light on!

Hey, this place is enormous, in't it?

I know. Got to work hard all week to pay for it. itís the only place Iíve ever had that's all mine and nobody else's.

Bit big for one though, in't it, Jo?

Why, thinking of moving in? Oh, not likely!

Haven't you got an 'ome to go to? No, me landlady threw me out.

Why? Mind your own business.

You can stay here if you tell me. I was behind with the rent.

That's a lie for a start. No, it's not!

Oh, come on, Geoffrey Ingham.

Let's have a bit of light on the subject.

Who did she find you with, your girlfriend? Of course not.

'Ey, it wasn't a man, was it?

Look, Iíve got a nice comfortable couch. Iíve even got some sheets.

You can stay if you tell me what you do.

Go on, Geoffrey. Iíve always wanted to know about people like you.

Go to hell! 'Ey, I won't snigger, honest I won't.

Tell me some of it, go on.

I bet you never told a woman before.

I don't go in for sensational confessions.

I want to know what you do.

I want to know why you do it.

Well, tell me or get out!


Oh, Geoff, don't go, Geoff. Iím sorry. Please stay.

Get off! I can't stand women at times.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Come on, Geoff. IíII get those sheets and blankets and make up a bed for you.

I don't care what you do. Honest I don't.

Please stay, Geoff.


Iíve only got one blanket. is that enough? Oh, yes, that'll do.

What you gonna sleep in? Me shirt.

Ooh, I don't think you'll be very comfy on this couch.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Aye, we're both beggars. Aye, the devil's own.

Ooh, you are mucky and messy, aren't you?

You need taking in hand, you do. Ooh, no, thanks!

Has anyone ever tried? What?

Taking you in hand. Yeah.

What happened to him?

Oh, Iím that tired I can hardly get myself to bed.

Let me lie down and don't wake me up for a month.

What time have you got to be up?

I don't go to school tomorrow. School? What d'you do at school?

Textile design. Oh, one of them.

Here, I tell you what.

IíII stay here and tidy the place up a bit. Get you a proper meal.


Better put that light off. I might be after you!

'Night, Geoffrey. Good night.


Oh, go to sleep!

Geoffrey! What?

You're just like a big sister to me.

Hey, you're home early.

Dinner isn't quite ready. Won't be long. Where is it?

In the oven. Hey, get off!

Quite nice, in't it? Yeah.

What's that, a self-portrait?



Put your hand up. The other back up.

Right. Now keep it.

You might have washed 'em first.

Don't forget your ears!

Oh, Jo went early and it's her half-day.

'Ey, you seen Jo? She's up the arches.

Hey, Iíve been looking for you. Iíve cooked dinner, don't you want it?

I don't fancy anything. Well, I haven't poisoned you up till now.

I don't want anything to eat.

Iím gonna have a baby.

Yes, I thought so.

You're in a bit of a mess, aren't you? Oh, I don't care.

You can get rid of babies before they're born, you know.

Yes, I know, but I think that's terrible.

When's it due? About November.

Your mother should know. Why?

You'll have to buy clothes, a cot and a pram...

Oh, shut up! Iím not planning big plans for this baby or dreaming big dreams.

You know what happens when you do things like that?

This baby will be born dead or daft or...

You're just feeling a bit depressed, that's all.

You'll be your usual self once you get used to the idea.

And what is my usual self?

My usual self is a very unusual self, and don't you forget that, Geoffrey Ingham!

Iím an extraordinary person! There's only one of me and only one of you!

We're unique! Young!

Unrivalled! Smashing!

We're bloody marvellous!

'Ey, Geoff, it's me half-day. How would you like to go to the country?

Wonderful! 'Ey, come on!

'Ey, d'you want some chocolate?

'Ey, go on, it's strawberry cream, you like that.

Here y'are.

'Ey, what would you say if I started something?

Eh? What would you do if I started something?

In my condition, probably faint. No, I mean after.

I don't want you, Geoff. Well, am I repulsive to you?

You're nothing to me. Iím everything to meself.

You need me, Jo. Let go, you're hurting me!

Will you let me kiss you, Jo? Oh, leave me alone!

Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, Jo.

I like you, Geoff.

I like you, but... Will you marry me?

Iím not marrying anybody.

Well, just for the baby's sake.

Iím going down to the caves.

When the water reaches the caves, it deposits lime, which forms stalactites on the roof, stalagmites on the floor and covers the walls all over as it is doing mostly, as you can see, in this chamber.

The lovely colours are made by iron and copper staining the lime.

What was he like, Jo?

He wasn't a bit like you.

He could sing and dance. He was black as coal.

A black boy? From darkest Africa.

A prince. A what?

A prince, son of a chieftain.

IíII bet he was, too Prince Ossini.

D'you love him?

I must've.

D'you wish he was still here? No.

I hate love. Do you, Jo?

Yes, I do.

God, it's hot!

Oh, Jo, stop prowling about.

I feel so restless. Well, sit down or something.

Come on, baby, let's see what big sister's making for us.

Oh, Jo, put it down, Iíve just done all that, get off!

I feel like throwing myself in the river! I wouldn't do that, it's full of rubbish.


Read this.

When the baby comes, you won't know one end of it from the other.

\x22Looking after baby.\x22 In't that nice

\x22Third month.\x22

\x22Exercises, relaxation.\x22

\x22Fourth month.\x22

\x22Constipation.\x22 Drink that and shut up.

I hate milk. Well, get it drunk.

Does it tell you how to feed babies? Even you know that.

I know about that way, breast-feeding.

Iím not having a little animal nibbling at me. itís cannibalistic.

Stop trying to be inhuman, it doesn't suit you.

I mean it. I hate motherhood.

Well, you've got it coming to you, so you might as well make a good job of it.

Iíve got toothache. Yes, Iíve got bloody heartache.

Got any of that toothache cure?

There's only one cure for the toothache and that's a visit to the dentist.

Oh... Jo!

How much longer is this going on for? What?

Your present performance. You moved in on me, remember?

If you don't like it, get out.

But you wouldn't do that, Geoffrey. Got no confidence in yourself, have you?

Afraid the girls'll laugh.

You like babies, don't you, Geoff? They're all right.

Would you like to be the father of my baby, Geoff?

Yes, I would.

I... Iím... I feel stifled in here.

Iím going out. Well, IíII come with you.

# All she wants is gold and silver

# And a fine young man, you know

# On a hill there lives a lady

# Who she is I do not know...

Can you smell that canal? itís filthy!

And all those dirty children! They can't help getting dirty round here.

Why d'you stay with me, Geoff?

Somebody's got to look after you. You can't look after yourself, that's obvious.

# All she wants is gold and silver

# And a fine young man, you know

# On a hill there lives a lady

# Who she is I do not know

# All she wants is gold and silver

# And a fine young man, you know Do you think there's gonna be a storm?

I wouldn't be surprised.

I don't think it's doing you any good being with me all the time.

I couldn't move away from you now.

You must. We can't be together all the time.

Iíd rather be dead than away from you.

You say that as if you mean it.

Well, I do mean it.

Before I knew you I didn't care much whether I lived or died, y'know.

But then I met you and, well, being with you's me life.

There's no need for us to split up, is there?

Come on, rain, come on, storm!


it kicked me, Geoff.

it kicked me!

Can I help you, sir? Yes, I wanted some information, please.

Well, me wife's going to have a baby and I wondered if you'd got any leaflets.

To put me in the picture, like. Iím sure we can do something for you.

When does she expect the baby? Not yet. A couple of months.

Well, perhaps she ought to come down here herself.

She's a little bit shy. I expect she'll be along later.

Very well. Just a moment, Mrs Walsh. Will you wait here a second, please?

I think she ought to have this. She can practise on it.

I suppose she's very young.

Anyway, you can borrow this and let us have it back when you've done with it. it comes in very handy if she's dubious about handling the baby.

There. All right?

Look at that little boy over there.

He's filthy.

And his hair, it's walking away.

She shouldn't be allowed.

Who? His mother.

Think of the harm she does having children.

Look at that. itís dead.

A bit of love, a bit of lust and there y'are.

We don't ask for life, we have it thrust upon us.

Hold me hand, Geoff. What?

Hold me hand! Jo!

You've got nice hands.


I used to try and hold me mother's hands but she'd always pull 'em away from me.

I like you. Oh!

D'you like me more than you don't? Now you're being Irish.

Well, a fine Irishwoman you are.

Where did your ancestors fall, battle of Salford Town Hall?

Me mother's father was Irish.

And she had me by an Irishman.

The village idiot, from what I can make out.

You what?

A frolic in a hayloft one afternoon.

She said he had eyes like me.

Are you making it up? No.

He lived in the twilight land, my daddy.

The land of the daft.

Did Helen tell you all this? Yes.

Yes, I thought so. She likes to make an effect, that one.

Well, can you see Helen going out with a real loony?

Oh, thanks, Geoff, you're a cure.

'Ey, Iíve got something for you.

Well, I got it from the clinic, y'know.

I thought you could practise a few holds on it.

The colour's wrong. What?

The colour's wrong!

IíII bash its brains out, IíII kill it!

I don't want this baby, Geoff!

I don't want to be a mother!

I don't want to be a woman!


What d'you think I can do about it?

In any case, bearing a child doesn't put you under an obligation to it.

Well, I would've thought it would've done.

Well, you've got another think coming. If she can't look after herself, it's her own lookout.

And don't sit there looking as if it's all my fault.

Well, it's your grandchild.

Oh, you put years on me, you do.

She's more than I can cope with, that girl. She always has been.

Well, that's obvious.

And what part have you got in this little Victorian melodrama? Nursemaid?


Helen! Have I got a clean shirt?

All right, IíII come and see her. itís not my fault. Iíve not known where she's been living these last few months.

Now, don't keep me waiting, I want a drink. You've had enough.

Iím not hanging about in this filthy hole.

Wait where you like, then.

If you're not back in ten minutes, Iím going.

Oh, suit yourself.



'Ey, you won't tell her I came and saw you, will you?

Where is she, Romeo? She's in bed.

And what sort of a dump is this?

And what d'you think you're doing, hiding yourself away in this chicken run?

Lots of girls in your condition have to work and take care of a family.

Well, come on, let's have a look at you.

You're looking a bit peaky.

No wonder.

Oh, stop sulking. Iíve brought you some money. itís taken you a long time to come round to this, hasn't it?

What? The famous mother love act.

Since Iíve known Iíve not been able to sleep at nights thinking about you.

There'll be money every week in the post from now on.

Until you forget! You walked out the door with that man.

You didn't give me a second thought.

How did you get here, anyway?

IíII get you for this, Geoffrey Ingham!

What you trying to run, a back-to-mother movement?

Are you working? She doesn't like people looking at her.

She'd be better off working than living off you like a little bloodsucker.

She doesn't live off me! No, we share everything.

We're communists, too! That's his influence, I suppose.

You go back to your fancy man!

Ooh, IíII give you such a bloody good hiding! That's what you've gone short of.

Don't show yourself up for what y'are! You couldn't wait, could you?

Now look at the mess you've got yourself in.

IíII get out of it without your help. Threw yourself at the first man you met.

Yes, I did.

You're man mad. Like you.

Know what they're calling you round here? A silly little whore.

They know where I got it from, don't they?

Ooh, IíII knock your bloody head off!

Let me get at her! Go ahead, go on!

Stop shouting at each other, will you!

Oh, shut up, we enjoy it.

And another thing... Hey, hey, what the hell's going on?

D'you expect me to wait all day in that filthy street?

I told you to wait outside.

Don't you wag your bloody finger at me.

Oh, hello, then, the erring daughter.

Well, Josephine, you're a big girl now, aren't you?

Who's this, the father?

Oh dear, no.

Who's got a bun in the oven, then, eh?

Who's got a cake in the stove?

Iím sorry. He's had one too many.

Who's coming out for a little drink, eh?

What's the matter with everybody?

Doesn't anybody want to come out for a little drink?

You get out of here! Ah-ah-ah!

You be quiet.

That's right, Mary Ann, you come and have a little drink with me.

Who's been giving my money away again?

Take your money.

Which is the way to the littlest room?

Oh, get him out of here, Romeo.

That's right, Pollyanna, you lead the way.

Ooh! itís all right, love, I know the district.

Like a cigarette?


Yes, I will. IíII keep it for later.

Jo, why don't you come and live with me?

There's a nice room and plenty of food. No, thanks.

Peter's all right except when he's had one too many.

Jo, look, Iím offering you a decent home.

IíII take care of you, IíII see you through.

We're not having that little slut at our place!

The house is half mine.

Aye, like hell it is.

Oh, take no notice of him. Now, will you come on?

I want this drink!

Get him out of here, we'll get our notice!

Would you like me to come and stay here with you?

No, thanks.

Well, IíII send you some money.

And hang on to it, you might need it.

We're not having that mademoiselle from Armentiťres living with us!

Now, I dragged you out of the gutter once.

If you want to go back it's all the same to me. itís your own bloody level.

And don't you worry about your wandering boy.

There's plenty of other fish in the ocean.

Iím getting out.

In't he smashing? Yes, marvellous, in't he?

Where's Jo? I saw her going down by the river.

Hello. Thinking of chucking yourself in?

No. I like it here.

Iíve seen five water rats. Charming!

D'you still love him? No. itís only a dream I had.

Aye, your black prince. What was his name?

Prince Ossini. No. it was Jimmie.

Oh, well, the dream's gone. But the baby's real enough.

Me mother always used to say you remember the first time all your life.

Until now Iíd forgotten all about it. Remember when I asked you to marry me?

Yes. itís not marrying love between us, thank God.

You need someone to love you while you look for someone to love.

Have you been unhappy with me?

Who's happy?

As I was going up Pippin Hill Pippin Hill was dirty And then I met a pretty miss And she dropped me a curtsy Little miss, pretty miss Blessings light upon you If I had half-a-crown a day Iíd gladly spend it on you.

Would you, Geoff? I would.

Iíd hold your baby in me arms Iíd comfort you and keep you We'd climb the hill when the moon was up And we'd sit there till it set Iíd hold you tight till the world was done And a daisy grew in my hat!

That doesn't rhyme! I know, but it's true.

You're a funny man, Geoff.

I mean that.

You're unique.

I always want to have you with me cos I know you'll never ask anything from me.

Where you going? Home.

Iím cooking something for tea.

'Ey, look at that, in't it marvellous?

'Ere, what you gonna call it?

What, the cake? Oh, no, the baby, you daft thing!

I think IíII call it Number One. itíII always be number one to itself. You're right.

Anybody at home?

Well, Iím back.

Well, the old place looks more cheerful now, doesn't it?

Well, I arrived just in time by the look of things, didn't I?

D'you want a cup of tea? Hm, you're still here, are you?

There won't be much room for two of us around, you know.

Don't you start on Geoffrey! That's all right, Jo, I don't mind moving out.

For heaven's sake, you don't have to wilt away as soon as she barges in.

All right, I will have a cup of tea with you.

Jo, I got you some lovely things for the baby.

Have you got everything packed?

Packed? Yeah.

But Iím not going into hospital.

You're not having the baby here, are you? She didn't want to go away.

She can't have a baby in a dump like this.

The first one can be a bit tricky. She's been having regular checkups.

Don't start frightening her.

And what do you know about it? We're not playing at doctors now, you know.

I forgot to pay the taxi. Where's me bags? I won't be a minute.

Well, she's back, Jo.

'Ey, would you like a bit of cake?

No, thanks.

You're glad she's back really.

No, Iím not.

You needn't be afraid of hurting me feelings.

God, what am I supposed to say, Geoffrey? itís you I need, not her. itís only a choice between two old women.

Oh, thanks And of the two Iíd rather have you.

Well, you'll need a woman with you too.

Someone who's been through it all before. Oh, stop romancing!

I asked you to stay here. Why can't you leave me alone?

Now, don't you start upsetting her!

I haven't! itís you, charging in here, trampling on everyone's feelings!

Iíd have a hard job to trample on yours, son!

Don't you \x22son\x22 me!

My God, what a travesty of a mother you've turned out to be!

Come here to help her, have you?

All you do is put the fear of death in her! Have you gone mad?

Oh, leave me alone, both of you!

I can't stand it any more! I just can't stand it!

Excuse me. I want a word with my daughter.

What's the matter, Jo?

Geoffrey's right about you.

I wanted you to come back.

But when you did it all went wrong again.

Why did you want me to come back, love?

I wanted to know what it's like. What? is there much pain? itís not so much pain as hard work.

But don't worry, love. You've got me now.

I can do without you. I can manage.

Well, you're very clever, aren't you There's no need for you to be so superior. He's thrown you out, hasn't he?

And you had to come crawling back here.

Well, it was good while it lasted.

D'you know what I think? What?

I think you're still in love with him.

Me, in love? Don't be so daft.

What happened?

He's just gone off with his bit of crumpet.

So we're back where we started.

Jo, I forgot to tell you.

Iíve ordered a beautiful cot. itís got lambs and poodles all over it.

We've got one.

Geoff got it.

Bit old-fashioned, in't it?

We like it.

Now, come on, lie back, love, come on.

You'll be giving yourself a headache. Do you wonder?

Now, come on, have a bit of a rest and IíII just go and tidy up.

Helen? What?

I want Geoffrey to stay.



Iím writing her a note.

While you're at it, take this thing with you.

What's the matter, Jo?

I must have been dreaming.

Don't worry, love.

Where's Geoff?

Iím just going to make you a nice fresh cup of tea, dear.

Where's Geoffrey?

He's just gone out, love.

Helen? Yes, love?

My baby may be black.

You what, love?

My baby may be black.

Oh, shut up! You'll be giving yourself nightmares. itís true.

You don't mean that sailor was a black man?


Oh, my God, I need a drink!

Well, what you gonna do about it?

Guy, guy, guy! Prick him in the eye!

Tie him to the lamppost and leave him there to die!

'Ey, in't it marvellous?

Tie him to the lamppost and leave him there to die!

Guy, guy, guy! Prick him in the eye!

Tie him to the lamppost and leave him there to die!

Guy, guy, guy! Prick him in the eye!

Tie him to the lamppost and leave him there to die!


You clown, Geoff!

You clown!

IíII make you a cup of tea, love.

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# The alley-alley-o, the alley-alley-o

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# On the last day of September

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# The alley-alley-o, the alley-alley-o

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o

# On the last day of September

# Oh, the big ship sails on the alley-alley-o #