Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016) Script

Let your hurr down We's about to get down Yeah!

Oh, my, oh my, oh my God This girl straight and this girl not Tipsy off that peach Ciroc Like la la la Ching-a-lang-lang ching-a-ling-a-lang-lang Jeans so tight I could see loose change Do your thang, thang, girl Do that thang Like la la la Tell them pretty faced girls tryna brass each other And them undercover freaks who ain't nun' but trouble Baby, I'm a tell you some' only cause I love ya People all around the world sexy Get ugly Get ugly, baby Woo hoo And everybody say La la la Get ugly You're too sexy to me You're too sexy to me So sexy Damn, that's ugly

Giles! Giles!

He loves me, he loves me.

Get ugly, baby Woo hoo And everybody say la la la Get ugly

Eddy? Eddy?

Eddy?

Ed?

Look, I'm twerkin', darling. I'm twerkin'.

No, you're not.

Isn't that twerking?

No, move your bum.

Ooh.

Dysfunctional Get ugly

You're too sexy to me Sweetheart, darling? Saff?

Your grandmother's home.

Darling! Sweetheart! Darling! Sweetheart!

Darling!

Wakey, wakey, my lady.

Oh, get out, get out.

You have meetings, meetings, meetings... parties, openings.

Pats?

Pats! What?

Today's the day I sign the deal on my book deal, darling.

Oh! Fabulous.

Yeah, fabulous.

Am I in it?

Of course you're in it, darling, because you are my oldest, oldest friend.

Mmm-hmm.

And who will play me, Eddy?

Well, darling, it's only just nearly a book.

It will be a film, though, sweetheart, because it's about me, isn't it?

It's about London's premier fashion P. R.

Fabulous.

And who will play me, Eddy? Not Jane Fonda.

Why?

I've had stem cells and the blood of a 2-year-old child injected in my skin and I still look like this.

You need to use fetus blood, Eddy.

A little spritz of afterbirth, darling.

Oh. Keep up, sweetie.

Oh!

I want to go in there, but I have to get past that big mirror.

I think I am now officially fatter sideways than I am front on.

Darling, you don't need those. I am your mirror.

How do I look?

Fabulous. Thank you.

Ooh.

Need to move that, Eddy.

I'll call Kelly Hoppen.

Fabulous.

Morning.

Afternoon.

When did these stairs get so long?

Since you dug into middle earth.

Oh, yes. Good though, isn't it?

Bo and Marshall rang.

Both of them?

They want to come and talk about the house.

Why do they want to talk about the house?

I don't know.

Go outside!

Eddy, I'm vaping.

No, darling, you lit it, that's a cigarette.

And she's a child.

Then why can't she go outside into the air?

Your mother's here.

Oh, Christ.

How long is this one here for?

When's she going back?

I don't know.

All I know is it's something else I'm paying for.

I'm not going back to Africa.

If Dad wants to see me, he can come here.

Why isn't he paying for her?

Mum, we're divorced.

Well, he can't just sit in Ebola or wherever he is, darling, and not pay for her.

Gabon?

What?

Gabon?

Gabon?

Why is she... Why are you saying Gabon?

Is he still in Gabon?

Is he still in Gabon? No.

No! No.

Dad's paying for me.

He gave me a credit card.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Talking about credit cards. Bubble?

All of my cards are broken. Fix them, please.

Eddy, I'm thirsty. Morning, Mrs. M.

Morning, Patsy, dear.

I'll open a Bolly.

Darling, where is the champagne?

I don't know.

Where's the Bolly? Where's the champagne?

If you want things, you have to pay for them.

Since when?

Sounds like you'll have to tighten your belt, dear.

Oh.

If you manage that, it'll be a first.

Don't let her eat anything while she's here.

All right? No eaty.

Eddy, what are we going to do without champagne?

That'll be Bo and Marshall.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hello, there.

No need to rush, honey. Be careful.

All of this is new.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hello, there.

Let's get up here, one, two, three.

Now tell her why we're here.

I can't go on with the house payments.

You paid for all this? Yes.

Well, darling, that's how divorce works. Learn.

He needs surgery.

Yes. We can tell them. Marshall is a transgender.

He'd like to live as a woman.

Oh, that's typical. Jumping on the bandwagon.

Finally she gets to cut your balls off!

Oh, well, I don't need your measly payments.

I've got a book deal.

Come on, Pats.

At least you're small. You'll be able to get shoes.

So when does it come off?

Oh, we haven't gone through "coming off" therapy yet.

Darling, come with me today.

I'm putting the final touches to... the Huki Muki retrospective launch party.

Can Lulu sing at that? No.

Oh, no, no, that all has to go back.

That's all got to go back.

Eddy, how long have we got this for?

Oh, they've lent it for Emma Bunton, but they don't mind.

No, they want it back.

Exercise, exercise, exercise... done!

And coming up on "Woman's Hour", was Shakespeare's wife depressed?

But first, here in the studio we have P.R. supremo Claudia Bing, a woman... with her finger on the pulse.

Oh, turn that shit off.

There was a time the zeitgeist blew through me.

Now it's just...

A tiny fart.

Eddy, look.

Quite close by. Ooh.

No, I'm all right.

Had him, had him, had him, had him.

Eddy, can we stop at the Wolseley?

No, darling, my cards are broken.

Chiltern Firehouse?

My cards are broken!

Well, haven't you got any of that...

hand money?

No.

What is that?

Chanel No. 5.

No, I'm all right.

Show them your breasts. No.

Oh, come on. Leave it, Bo.

Women, can't live with 'em, can't...

Is this little Lola?

Oh.

Africa.

We are sisters. My people are your people.

Which people?

Black people. I am a black person.

Deep down, we are all black.

Oh!

So, can I have an advance?

No. What is this? I just don't get it.

Well, this isn't how it would be written.

This is how I dictated it to Bubble.

Bubble. What is Bubble?

My P.A., Bubble.

Oh, I thought it was new software.

You see, I'm just not really understanding anything you say.

I need a coffee.

Coffee!

I mean, the world of P. R. Mmm.

Who really knows what P. R. is?

P. R. is everything. I am P. R.

I took Sting and put him in the rainforest, gave the little pygmies a party.

I put Bono behind yellow glasses.

I gave celebrities AIDS.

The T-shirt.

Anyway, look... there's not enough here.

What do you mean, not enough?

There's pages and pages. I dictated it to Bubble.

It mostly just says, "Blah, blah, blah."

Who do you represent in P. R.?

Well, it's not just the "who's", it's the "what's". It's the likes of...

Not the "likes of", the "actuals".

The singer Lulu.

Who else?

Spice Emma, Baby Bunton.

And?

Queen Noor.

I have a huge boutique vodka. I have Pop-Specs.

Joel.

Graham! Graham, I know you. I know him.

He loves me.

I don't love you. You're gay, come on.

I don't love you! Leave me alone.

I don't know what's wrong with him.

All my friends are gay.

And Nigella! Yes. I know Nigella.

Write a chapter on that. Me and Nigella... eating late at night... in a fridge.

No.

Can I have an advance? No.

Why?

Because it's shit.

Eddy, let's go.

I'll be late.

You only read 'em. You don't write 'em.

You just work in the shop.

You think your life's interesting. It isn't.

It may be worth living, but it's not worth reading.

It's happened. Move on.

Bloody, bloody books! Bloody books!

Blah, blah, blah! Bloody books!

I have to check the Huki Muki mannequins before tonight.

Coming with me, Eds?

No, I can't.

I've got that P. R. persons lunch-of-the-month lunch.

Brunch.

A munch-of-the-munch munch?

Not munch. Lunch.

Oh, kill her, Eddy.

What are we going to?

Have you rung Lulu yet?

Oh, shut up about Lulu.

Don't rush me.

I haven't got any money.

Get someone to pay at the other end.

Where's my car?

It's gone back to Baby Bunton.

But I need wheels!

Oh!

But you were only given feet.

Oh, shut up.

Yeah. Love. Love.

Hate.

Put the fishtail next to the red blob.

And change that mannequin, it's too fat.

Why are we doing this by the river?

It stinks of fish.

Is that you? Good grief.

What's the food? Oh, raw.

Freshly dead, octopus with a pulse?

Yeah.

Cocktails?

The mixologist is Madeira Slice.

He's doing his flaming gasoline herbal labia cocktails.

No olives. No.

Oh, Metro wants a paragraph.

Oh, Patsy Stone, fashion editor, The A.

Fashion designer Huki Muki makes Valentino look like Topshop.

Disorientating beauty juxtaposed between life and death... and shoes.

Yeah, all that shit, but more importantly, our magazine is sponsoring it.

I want Huki Muki smaller, our logo bigger.

Yeah, Magda.

Oi, Pats. I've just been with Valentino.

What's left of him?

Not much. He's a small lizard handbag with a hoverboard of hair.

Shut up! Ooh!

Guest list, now. Right.

Okay, we have got all the Jenners and Tyga...

Suki, Cara, David...

Kanye. We have Dolce, but not Gabbana. Okay.

SamCam, I don't know who...

Ai Wuhwuh... Ai Weiwuh... Weiwie...

Am I going deaf or have you not said "Kate Moss" yet?

Apart from the fact me head's full of fish fumes... it's impossible because she's left her P. R.

I shouldn't have said that, it's secret.

Delete, delete.

I don't care. Just get her here.

Offer her ayahuasca and shamans and enough vodka to kill cattle.

I'm off to Chanel. Lagerfeld waits for no man.

Get me an Uber. A minicab?

Helicopter! I don't do traffic!

Bag.

Chanel, Chanel!

I can't bloody work with that shit!

Welcome, everybody, to this month's P.R. person-of-the-month lunch.

Eat. It's all free.

Nothing is free anymore. Even freedom isn't free.

It used to be.

But now everybody wants your PIN number.

Sure they do, old girl. Sure they do.

Say nothing.

Edina.

Claudia.

I hear you've just been to a meeting with my friend Joel at Random Penguin.

Yeah, it went really well.

He said how it went.

Ladies and gentlemen, Claudia Bing.

Thank you, guys. So proud to be yet again... the P. R. person's P. R. person of the month.

We will continue to run campaigns... with the... "sergeny"?

Synergy.

Oh, synergy.

Shooting up and... Out.

Out. Shooting out on Twitter... and joining up all those conversations.

Do we do that? No.

Who knew that a blog post could do more than a banner or cookie engagement?

Do you feed my Twitter?

No, I forgot. And it died.

These days, you can't get by with a couple of old pop stars and a vodka.

It's a boutique vodka! It's a huge boutique vodka!

Eddy! Top secret, darling.

You don't know this... and I don't know this, but, darling...

Kate Moss is changing her P.R.!

Darling? Kate Moss!

Oh, shut up! Stop!

Eds, darling, she's going to be at the Huki Muki.

Shut up! Shut up!

No one else will know.

Don't let that bitch Bing know.

Damn!

So common.

Ooh!

Lola!

Lola! What?

Have you seen Gran?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Oh.

Um, are you okay? You seem a bit flustered.

Yeah, uh, no. Uh...

I just need to see Gran off to the airport.

My mother's looking after Lola tonight.

Should I meet your mother? No.

Okay.

Sorry. It's fine.

Can I kiss you properly now?

I've been thinking about it all day.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that face came from the womb of the little dumpster.

Excuse me?

Tonight, Lola, you are my perfect accessory.

Oh, she won't need much, darling.

If raw material was the finished article, there'd be no point of me.

I'm going to straighten and shimmer.

Ow! Ow! Go for it.

Just take the pain, bitch. Your hair will straighten.

Ow!

Beyoncé cried, too, but she surrendered.

Ow!

Don't stop.

There's something in the suitcase?

Where am I?

Oh, Gran!

What's she doing?

I'm off to Cannes, dear.

She's going to Aunt Violet's birthday party.

Why don't I know about this?

We didn't want you to know, dear.

It's going to be very sprauncy.

Oh!

No, no, leave it! It's Pats. Patsy.

Hi, darling.

Got some threads for the midget.

Leave them there.

Oh, I smell pigs, Eddy. I smell rozzers.

Oh, just a thought. Will I need injections, Saffy?

Yeah, lethal ones.

Bonjour.

You just met my mother.

She seems nice.

Look up.

Okay, I'm looking up.

Patsy's here.

Ugh.

Darling, it's pretty exciting, isn't it?

Tonight is going to change everything.

Oh, my God, what's happening?

No, Eddy. What?

I'm going to... Don't tell him, Eddy.

Tell him, Eddy.

I'm gonna get Kate Moss! I'm her new P. R.!

Go on, go to Patsy.

We all love you.

We love you. We love you.

We thought we'd go to Goa for an Ayurvedic colonic.

It's totes amaze. So beautiful.

Edina has to come. She has to.

Or we could go out.

There's that new club, FoFo BoBo.

Who's D.J.-ing? Dead Mice.

I love Dead Mice.

Oh, Edina, you have to come.

Stella will give you all the clothes you need.

I would love to dress you.

Oh, Eddy... you're my favorite person in the whole world.

You have to do my P. R.

Please, you have to.

Please? Okay, okay.

Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!

What are those? I'm not wearing them!

Pats! Will you just let her wear what she wants?

Can I do Kate's hair?

I'd love to give her ends a good tonging.

Yes.

She's going to love you, Lola.

Why?

'Cause you have what we all want.

Eddy, look.

Youth patch. Absorb, absorb.

Now, listen.

You're coming as my daughter, so all you do...

I'm not going to be man bait.

You should be so lucky.

What are you doing?

I'm going. I want to go.

Kate Moss will be there and Eddy said...

What?

Are you sexing that little rodent downstairs, darling?

You know what? Fine. Fuck it.

Sorry. Fuck. Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck it!

I am going out. Do what you want.

You can do what you want.

Just don't do it to get at me.

I ruined my life by trying not to make my mother happy.

Don't do the same.

You wearing Stella McCartney tonight, Eds?

Uh, no, darling, no.

She still won't let me in her shop.

I'm here on the red carpet of the Huki Muki retrospective... with London's fashion glitterati.

If you're not here, then who the hell are you?

You're singing tonight, Lulu.

Yeah. It's going to be a great crowd in there. I'm excited.

Jerry, you look ravishing. What are you wearing?

Well, Richard, I'm wearing a dress that was given to me by Chanel.

As you can see, it's beautiful.

I have lots of their dresses.

Magda, is it possible... No.

Gwendoline? Gwendoline?

How are you?

You're really tall. Well spotted.

It's just I was speaking to Lulu and she's quite small.

Great.

Last ones, please.

Good grief. Oh, Christ, love, we can see your bumhole.

This way.

Do you think Kate's already here?

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

Where's Kate? Darling, just be cool.

I am cool, darling. I am cool.

Oh, shit! Lulu. Forgot to ring her.

What'll I tell Lulu?

Oi! You're not wearing my clothes, are you?

No, darling, no.

This is all T. K. Maxx. T. K. Maxx.

I can't stand that woman.

Let it go. Just breathe.

Stella, darling.

Is your father with you? Is little Pauly with you?

No. Oh, that's a shame.

I was hoping to have a little catch-up with him.

I haven't seen him since 1969, know what I mean?

Ugh, God, and the world blamed Yoko.

My shoes I just adore. So comfortable.

They're also made by Chanel.

And are made of really soft leather.

Huki Muki!

I need to piss.

Huki! Huki!

Just a word, please! Huki! Huki Muki!

Sorry, Huki won't speak.

Why do you think there's been a Huki Muki revival?

It's about blobs. Great big blobs of color.

But why now?

It's simply that we're ready to see it again.

Thank you very much.

Claudia Bing, an incredible woman.

You know, Richard, you really can't go wrong with Chanel.

I've been a big fan of Karl's for so many years, and I love what he does.

And glasses off.

And glasses on again, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, La Roux!

He wants to know What it feels like Excuse me.

Just looking for my mate, Kate.

She wants to know What it feels like To settle down Settle down He's got the money Have you seen Kate Moss? Just looking for Kate.

He wants to pounce You're joking.

He wants to pounce Never know ifhe's giving you up Are youjust not good enough Lulu, I thought you were singing tonight.

That's what I was told.

She's done this to me before as well.

Oi!

You. You told Lulu this was her gig.

You know what, darling? It is, 'cause afterwards, they said you can sing "Shout". Accapeli.

I will bloody murder her.

Has anyone seen Kate? I'm supposed to meet her.

Get me half a Bass in a straight glass, and something to eat, but nothing with tentacles.

And none of that dim sum bollocks.

Get me a sandwich.

He wants to know Kelly Hoppen.

What's your take on all this color?

To be honest, it's doing my head in.

Eddy, little Kate is on the balcony.

She's out there, darling!

Oh, Lola, Lola, follow, follow.

Sweetie!

It's Brienne of Tarth...

Lola, come here!

Are you okay?

I just have this nightmare P. R.

Oh, I got rid of mine. Good for you.

Eddy, I'm going to roll away the Hamm.

All right, darling.

I don't even know what they do.

Who does?

Oh, watch out.

Hi, Jonny. Patsy. Stone.

Patsy.

Hamm. Jon. Hamm.

Don't you remember me, Jonny?

No.

Jonny Jonny from the Big Apple needing a little taste of the English rose?

Oh, God.

Yes, I do. I was fifteen.

But you were a very big fifteen, sweetheart.

Oh, God.

I want you to go over there and talk to her casually.

And then what?

Then I'll come over and join you and she'll think I'm cool... and before you know it, I'll be doing her P. R.

That's the plan? Yeah.

Jesus.

I can't believe you're still, uh... alive.

Can I offer you a taste now? No.

Oh, come on, Jonny, come on.

No, thank you.

You took my virginity. Please leave me my... sanity.

Good luck.

Jonny. Hi, Kate, sweetie.

Jonny? Jonny?

Okay, go, go, go!

Talk to her. Big me up.

Yes, yes. Smoke, smoke.

Smoke.

Kate? Claudia Bing.

Edina Monsoon! Oh!

Kate!

Why did you do that?

She fell.

You pushed her. No, she fell!

I saw you!

Kate Moss has been pushed!

Kate! Kate!

Kate Moss!

Hold on. I'll go in!

You are not going in! Put your jacket back on!

Eddy!

She'll pop up! It's only water!

It's just water, why isn't she popping up?

Why did you do this?

I didn't do it! She just fell!

Eddy, this is my party!

I have a limp and I don't know why.

Get them all down.

I don't want to see anything on camera.

Right, the only thing is... Now!

I fucking hate parties. I fucking hate handbags!

Me leg. Good Lord.

Magda! Selfie!

Fuck off!

Get them off.

That woman has always been out of control.

Kate was trying to get away from her.

I was shocked. I saw it happen.

She was pushed.

Did I miss something?

This is the scene wherejust a few hours ago... celebrated international model Kate Moss... fell or was pushed from a balcony into the Thames.

Since then, emergency services have been struggling to cope with the aftermath.

It's my little toe.

She fell off her shoe.

Looking for Kate!

Get back. One more dance. Baby, please.

I'm okay. I didn't fall in the river.


Shut up! You shut up!

How bad can this be? I mean, you know.

You have probably killed Kate Moss.

Shit.

Spoilt your night out?

That doesn't matter.

I shouldn't have let you go.

I don't know what I was thinking.

She'll be all right, won't she?

Kate, she's waterproof.

That's what we always say about Kate, she's waterproof.

I demand to see your superior!

That would be me. Nick?

This is Detective Inspector Nick...

We know each other, thank you.

God.

Don't.

Hello, hello? Have they found Kate?

No. The currents are very strong.

Only an outside chance...

Thank you. She will either have drowned or just be very, very wet.

In the meantime, you're here for your own safety.

There's a very well-coordinated lynch mob outside.

What happens now?

This doesn't change anything between us.

No, about this.

Oh. I have witnesses to say that your mother pushed her.

No!

I didn't want her to die.

She needed her. Loved her!

We don't know that she's dead yet.

Or that it's murder.

Murder? Thank you.

Manslaughter charges might be brought.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

Police continue to search the Thames after fashion icon Kate Moss.... fell from a balcony.

There is a real sense of devastation. Local people... friends, eyewitnesses are in disbelief.

They are reluctant to leave the banks of the Thames while any faint hope remains... of Kate Moss being found alive.

We're expecting the police to hold a news conference... to give us the latest information they have about the incident.

Now back to the studio.

Some breaking news...

P. R. guru Edina Monsoon, the woman at the heart... of the police investigation has returned to her West London home.

Don't drive off until I'm in the house!

Oi! Oi!

Stop hounding me! I'm not an animal!

She was, like, someone that I really looked up to.

She wouldn't give a fuck what we think.

No!

Devastated. I'm so confused.

Is there really nothing else happening in the world?

Fashion is dead.

Oh! Oh!

OMG. What, darling?

You're trending on Twitter.

Am I?

You're a hashtag.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, this is horrible.

Disgusting.

Oh, they hate you!

Who? Who?

Oh, there she is.

Here she is.

The fat woman!

Yeah, just do the toes.

Your fat little toes?

The fat little celebrity toes?

Yeah, yeah. Right.

Fat woman kills thin woman.

You don't know anything! It was an accident!

Nothing about you is an accident.

May I suggest...

Fat Pink?

What are you doing?

Oh, here we go.

This is my therapy, sweetheart.

When are you going to just for one moment... take in the enormity of what has happened?

When are you going to stop rolling through life, wanting more and more?

Look at this house. Nobody needs a house this big.

I do.

You see? Even your house is fat.

I'm on a diet.

You're always on a diet, Mum, but you're always fat.

Mmm-hmm.

Because you never stop eating!

Mmm-hmm.

Now will you please... just stop for one second and look at what you've done?

Yes.

Oh, I love that girl.

Your death threats, m'lady.

Like a bird on the wire Like a drunk in a midnight choir Everybody bloody hates you!

Stupid bloody drunk!

You mucky bitch.

You filthy scunner!

You make me sick.

Like a worm on a hook I'm innocent.

Patsy Stone. But I am innocent.

Excuse me, guys. I'm the victim here.

I'm Patsy Stone, but I am innocent.

That's it, Patsy, lovely. Thank you, darling.

Thanks.

Thursday.

Can you please shut up, darling?

I'm trying to do my Mindlessness.

I'm being trollied on Twitter.

Oh.

Everybody hates me.

When I was coming in earlier, a woman screamed at me.

What did she say?

She told me I was a pariah.

Do you know what a pariah is?

It's a fish.

That's right.

Flash, flash, flash. Flash for Patsy.

Patsy, flash, flash, flash.

Ugh, Eddy.

You killed Kate Moss!

I've lost my job because of you!

And now I am nothing as well.

It's from Stella McCartney.

How many "Om's" have I given you?

How much money?

Where is my enlightenment?

Where is my nirvana, you stupid, blue, buggering Buddha!

Om...

Om...

Ba-ding-ding-ding-ding, cha...

Om...

Ba-ring-ding-ding- ding-ding-cha...

Om...

Oh.

Sorry you lost your job, darling.

You're not nothing.

Cheers, thanks a lot.

It's the first thing I've ever had from Stella.

Oh, Eddy.

So the little scrap drowned. People will forget that.

They've forgotten a lot worse.

I mean, look at lovely Hugh.

He unzipped his chinos for a prossie blowjob and we forgave him.

In fact, I think we loved him a little bit more after that.

She's probably popped up somewhere, hasn't she?

Confused and shivering.

Poor little tiny wet Katie, flapping about in the mud.

Washed up on the Isle of Dogs.

I mean, Eddy... things float.

Yeah.

Yeah, things drift, and they float.

Why don't those idiots float something down the river?

Eddy... if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself.

Yeah.

It's the right place and the right time.

What for? Shut up.

Are you ready, Pats?

Ready, Eddy. Ready for what?

Ah.

Go, drift.

Bubble?

Bubble!

Where is she, Ed? I don't know. Bubble?

She swims too fast.

There she is. Go forward! What is she doing?

Bubble!

Fish her out, the little insect.

Bubble!

Bubble?

Darling, she fell off.

Eddy.

It's okay, no one saw.

But, Eddy, they'll find her!

Then just go, go, go!

Go, darling, go, go, go.

Oh, that's great, isn't it?

Now I've killed two people!

Oh!

Come on!

Eddy, we've got to get away. We've got to go now.

But where? I can't leave the country.

I'm a marked woman.

We could go north. North?

What, south?

You know what we need.

We need money.

Darling, darling. Listen.

When this is actually over, and it will actually be over one day, darling... will you please just remind me... to go back for the boots I just saw in Westwood window.

Eddy?

What is this?

Darling, it's a onesie.

Mmm-hmm.

I've got some pills.

Pills, pills, pills.

I've got some little blue ones, little pink ones.

That little blue one. What's that?

It's a button.

Maybe I should just resign myself to my fate, darling.

I mean, I can't redecorate my way out of this one, can I?

You bitch!

Eddy, we've got to escape.

We've got to get out of the country.

I have no money.

Why didn't you marry some of those rich men you slept with?

That wasn't the point.

There must be someone.

There must be someone, darling.

Think. We've got to make a serious plan. Think!

We could try a bong.

I've got a bong.

Everyone used to die young in old cavemen historical times.

They didn't reach the age of 30.

That's why now, everyone young just wants to go so fast.

But at our age, you're lost, because... we should all be dead.

Shouldn't we, darling? No, Eddy, no.

It's very good to die young.

It is good to go young.

Yeah.

Oh, no, it's ash.

Oh.

Oh...

Eddy, there was Charlie.

Who's Charlie?

Charlie Douglas. He had an enormous yacht.

Ah, he never married.

He said I was the only girl he would ever marry.

He said he would wait for me.

Oh... We had some good times.

We had good times and he was rich!

He was very rich!

Eddy? Yeah.

Saffy's little birth blob has money.

Darling. We need Lola. We need to take Lola.

Yeah, we need Lola.

I can hear everything you're saying, you know.

Everything.

Are you looking for my money so you can go find Charlie?

No, no, no, darling. No, no.

Yes! Give us your credit cards and you won't get hurt!

Why should I?

Oh. Oh...

Because, darling, now you listen to me, all right?

I've messed up, I know that, but that will happen to anybody... who really lives life, who really lives life, darling.

And I now know who my friends are.

Husbands, they come and go, but my friend has stayed.

Why does she stay?

Because it's bloody good fun.

We have fun.

Good fun, darling. And you know what?

There's so many great times out there waiting for us.

And I don't want to miss them.

We don't want to miss them, do we?

Or would you rather stay here?

You know, with Mum. Dull old Mum.

Or come with us, sweetheart.

Come with us. For fun.

Fine.

You'll need more than the card.

We can't just walk out of the house in broad daylight.

Yeah, of course. We need help. More help.

Who else would be stupid enough to help you two?

Huh.

Oh.

So what is Patsy's plan?

Just do what I do.

We sneak into the house looking perfectly normal.

It'll be a nightmare with all the paparazzi.

Excuse me! No! No photographs!

No one's taking any photos.

It's as if they didn't know who we are.

Missed a perfect opportunity. Get in.

No photos, no photos.

Come on, dear.

Police are urging the crowd to move on.

The flowers, offerings of Hunter Wellingtons... and bottles of Sauvignon Blanc are proving a hazard to shipping.

Oh, for God's sake, turn it off.

We can't, darling. We're drunk and have eaten too many drugs.

As per usual.

Where's Mum?

What has happened to Kate Moss?

Where is she? What in the world is going on?

Quick, quick. Almost there.

Get into this taxi where we're going nowhere.

What took you so long?

Hurry up, Fleur.

It's these bloody shoes.

All right, taxi, drive.

Drive, drive!

Welcome back.

So, Lily, can you tell us how you're feeling about Kate?

Well... Put it into words.

Well, I... Sad.

I didn't actually know her that well.

You're devastated.

I...

Heartbroken. Thank you so much.

Your feelings are shared by a nation still in shock.

How's your mother holding up?

It seems to be taking its toll... facially.

I'm going to wake Lola up.

I can't believe she slept this long.

Let her sleep. She's a grownup.

She's thirteen.

I want you to know something.

I'm sorry I went out that night.

I, uh... should have stayed with you.

Then perhaps you wouldn't have got caught up in all this mess.

I love you.

Lola's gone. She's gone! She must have gone with them!

Tell me where they've gone.

Tell me!

Whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Where have they gone?

We don't know.

We weren't told.

A girl has only one confidante and mum's the word.

Oh, her hairdresser, Christopher. Oh!

Judas.

I knew she spoke to him because she canceled her next appointment.

Don't panic.

It's only a problem if they've left the country.

Welcome to Budget.

Where the only tossers are our baggage handlers.

How are you? Hi.

Morning. Oh, shut up.

Where we wing it.

Welcome on-board Budget Airlines.

This is flight BD1 15 to Nice.

Where is first class? Down the back?

Oh...

There is no first class.

It's just first ass on any available seat.

We are three. There's only two seats.

The middle one isn't a seat, it's where you put your bag.

Oh, no, they're all seats. Uh, you put your bags up top.

Oh, God.

Uh...

I don't put the bags up. I'm the designated DNB.

"Do Nothing Bitch."

Thank you. Ow!

Sandwich. Heads up.

Can we get free nuts and drinks from the bitch?

Oi, waitress? We want our complimentary drinks and nuts.

Oh, you have to prepay for all the snacks and beverages.

Just get your credit card, slip it through your slot.

Uh, ma'am, you'll have to take your seat.

I need a piss.

It'll have to wait.

I've started.

I hate how you have to be nice to transgendered people now.

Just reach around and get that lady's red wine.

No.

Oi! Drop the fag, hag!

What is your problem?

You!

Cheers. Don't get that on British Airways.

Whoo-hoo!

We did it, Pats!

Oh, Eddy, we did it!

We're free, free!

We can breathe!

Breathe!

We're going to join the jet set.

The jet set.

So you're going to marry this Charlie?

She's going to marry him, then he's going to die and we'll get all the money.

How old is he?

Oh, he's ancient.

He's old. He's like on death's door.

Actually, he's the same age as me.

We need more champagne, darling.

No, it's nearly over its limit.

What does that mean?

It means we need Charlie's big bucks, darling, if we're ever going to live the dream.

Oh, Eddy, the dream. The dream, darling.

But where do you go to my lovely When you're alone in your bed Tell me the thoughts that surround you I want to look inside your head, yes, I do

I need to buy champagne. What's that in French?

Champignons, champignons.

We need to get out of these clothes.

It's all right, darling. No one knows us here.

They're just so horrible.

Oh, Eddy?

Oh.

Buongiorno!

Baby Bunton, Pats. Baby Bunton.

Shit.

Eddy, Eddy.

Why can't we go anywhere without knowing someone?

She didn't see us.

I think I just saw Edina Monsoon.

Really?

Unless you've seen a mannequin that fat before.

Hiya. You okay?

I've put you into hot yoga after this.

You do it in an actual oven. Ooh!

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Just don't think about Edina Monsoon.

Oh, thanks.

It's Emma Bunton.

What? Emma Bunton?

No. Edina?

She's where?

Did you call the police?

Yes. And I'm going over there to make sure the police do their job!

Her P.A. has a house near Cannes.

Bubble has a house there? Yeah.

You talked to her?

Yeah. She's had a terrible time.

It's been quite a saga.

Nothing.

What's that?

That's nice. eBay?

Oi!

Oi, you!

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Have you been in the water long?

All bloody night. Did you jump?

Did I, buggery. I was pushed.

Lola won't answer my calls and I've tried every number for Christopher.

I'll have to look for him.

At least she's with your mother.

And Patsy.

My daughter is with Patsy.

I'll come with you.

Edina must be back in 3 days for the primary hearing.

I don't care about her. No, I'm sorry.

Let me. No!

I'm better on my own.

Shoot that poison arrow to my heart, heart, heart Shoot that poison arrow to my heart Oh, hello. I know you.

My mother used to bring me here as a child.

Shoot that poison arrow to my heart, heart, heart Shoot that poison arrow

Shoot that poison arrow

Christopher, I know you're here. I just saw you.

My daughter's gone missing and I think you know where she's gone.

Clear off, you little wet wipe!

Just sing something.

That'll quieten them down.

Get off, you little bitch troll!

I learned the truth at seventeen That love was meant for beauty queens And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles Who married young and then retired

And those of us with ravaged faces Lacking in the social graces Desperately remained at home lnventing lovers on the phone Who called to say "Come dance with me"

And murmured vague obscenities It isn't all it seems at seventeen

So who is this Charles?

Oh, just an old scrotum Patsy knows.

More money than marbles.

Charles was rather superb, actually.

Back when the South of France was really something...

God created woman and Brigitte Bardot was just out of nappies.

She's back in 'em now.

What did Charles do? Films.

What kind? Art films.

Oh, porn!

Well, no. For connoisseurs...

Gentlemen.

Gentlesseurs.

If you don't find him?

This is my old hunting ground.

Plenty of prey out there.

And they won't need beaters to flush 'em out once they sniff me up the Croisette.

So the plan is, we start at Violet's party, right?

The old guys will be there.

My mother doesn't know anything and Violet won't care.

In the South of France, everyone's a criminal!

Plenty of cleavage, Eddy.

Yes, darling. I'm wearing this.

But not those shoes.

Those shoes, darling. Not those shoes.

But I like these shoes.

They make you hobble.

I'm wearing them anyway. I have thin ankles.

We all play the game and when we dare We cheat ourselves at solitaire lnventing lovers on the phone Oh, my God.

What that woman has done to you.

You have to tell me where she is.

Do you know?

Cannes. Cannes in France. Thank you.

And, hey.

Make your own kind of music.

Merci.

You're very lucky at this.

No, not luck.

It's just that I play a bad hand well.

Don't we all?

Keep behind us.

Stay behind. Don't come with us.

This is it, Eddy.

I'm looking good, I'm looking...

Oh, Eddy, look how young we are.

Look at the sad shoes.

It's all leopard print and liver spots.

It's like old age camouflage.

I smell formaldehyde.

What on earth are you doing here?

Mrs. M.

Just looking for the party.

Well, this is it.

Yoo-hoo!

Christ, is that Violet?

What is this, some late-life lesbo party?

Where are the men?

They're on the terrace, dear.

We have to make do with cards and a little dancing.

It's quite nice, actually.

Terrace, terrace, terrace.

Yeah. Yeah.

You stay here with the old ones. We're off.

Ooh, look, Pats, not hobbling, not hobbling.

Ah, this is more like it, Eds.

This is our kind of party, darling.

We fit in here.

Hey, Monty. How's things?

No ex-wives allowed here.

You need some help, old ladies?

The place is full of weird babies.

Little stretched fetus faces.

Patsy!

Patsy!

It's Charlie. Stay here. Jesus.

My God! I'd know those tits anywhere!

Patsy!

Oh, Charles, darling.

What are you doing here, Patricia?

Charles, darling, looking for you.

Oh.

Still got the yacht, Charlie?

I've got a big one.

The trouble is the girls all want their own cabins these days.

Oh, Charlie, do you remember the old days?

You... Fiona and that Kristel wench.

No, Charlie. I meant us.

Black Emanuelle meets Hitler.

I loved that film!

Do you remember waking up together in hot, sweet Saint-Tropez?

Walking across the duckboards down to the fairy blue sea?

Oh, I miss those times.

So do I, Charlie.

But you know what I really miss?

Yes, Charles.

Pubic hair.

I'm sick of those Brazilians... those Hollywoods. So bald, so boring.

I had a full beard in those days.

But I suppose you are what you eat.

But Charlie, Charlie, look at me.

Remember you said you would only ever marry me?

Uh, I might have said that.

Well, Charles, I'm ready.

My answer is yes.

Steady on, Patsy, steady on.

As you can see, we're very well catered for here.

Charlie, you always said I was the one.

I think he's tired of you now.

Isn't she terrific looking?

Charlie, she's a gold digger.

I'm a gold mine.

Oh, by the way, steer clear of the Jacuzzi.

It's a smoothie of old sperm.

Ciao.

Hmm?

Bastard.

No luck?

No.

You see, dear, we're all too old now.

Oh, shut up.

Come on, Eddy! It's my birthday.

Come on, come on.

Oh!

Enjoying yourself?

No.

No, I'm young! I'm still young. I'm not old.

I'm not old. I'm still young.

Because 60 is the new 40!

Sixty is the new 40!

No! Not the sad feet!

Oh, ow! Ow.

Careful!

With your reputation for galumphing into people, we don't want you to trip over the Duchess.

What is that?

She's the Dowager Baroness Lubliana Thysen von Rothschild und Muck.

Pats, Pats, Pats, Pats, Pats.

That is the richest woman in the world.

Darling, that... is the richest woman in the world!

No, Eddy, no, no, Eddy, no!

Yes, yes, yes. Just come on.

Oi! Where are you two off to?

Laundry. You come, too.

Reports from a source close to the investigation suggest Edina Monsoon may have fled the country.

For you. Ooh.

Gran?

Oh, hello, Saffy. Is Mum there?

Yes, your mother and Patsy are here.

What about Lola?

Is she with them?

Well, she was, dear.

Oh, my goodness. I must go. Shirley Bassey is arriving... any minute now.

The minute you walked in thejoint I could see you were a man of distinction A real big spender Very nice.

Good lookin', so refined Say, wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind?

So let me get right to the point I don't pop my cork for every man I see May we join you?

Who are you?

I am Edina.

May I introduce my brother Pat?

Spend a little time with me Stone. Pat Stone.

Do you know who I am?

Dowager Baroness Lubliana Thysen von Rothschild und Muck.

So you're not partying with all the other men?

No, he likes older women.

Not those girls.

We want a proper shuffle, no fuzzing the cards.

With me

Spring was never waiting for us, boy It ran one step ahead As we followed in the dance

Between the parted pages and were pressed ln love's hot fevered iron like a striped...

French.

Pat Stone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oui.

Okay.

Yes, absolutely.

Now.

Oh!

Oh, what a rainbow world we live in.

Till death do you part, till death do you part.

How long do you think it will be?

Let Lubey have her moment. Come on, sweetie, be cool.

My darling Pat.

You feeling all right?

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark All the sweet green icing flowing down

Still got it, hasn't it, the Riviera?

Yeah, it's still got it.

Where are we going?

The Grand-Hotel Du Cap-Ferrat.

Oh, Eddy, the six finest words in the English language.

Are we booked in?

No need, it's mine. I own it.

I'm so happy. Are you?

Tremendously happy.

You and I are married.

So...

so... happy?

Tremendously.

Now it's late, darling. Bed beckons.

Does it? Um, another drink? Perhaps some nibbles?

I'm tired.

Oh, I'm tired, too.

Would you mind if I retired?

Stay and drink with your sister.

I don't mind. Enjoy the evening.

And thank you.

I may be... the richest woman in the world, but also sometimes the loneliest.

Oh, Lubey.

Am I interrupting something? No, darling.

Au revoir.

Oh, Eddy.

Little Lubey, Eds. Mmm. is a darling.

Wasabi nut, wasabi.

Thank you, darling.

How are you feeling?

Tremendously happy.

What if they've found Bubble?

Darling, don't think about it. They can't tie it to us.

Yeah, yeah.

Eddy, living well is the best revenge.

This could be our life, couldn't it?

This is our life. We're not going back.

And what's to miss? Just things.

You've never had attachments, have you?

They're not attachments.

They're parasites, ticks, danglers.

You can buy new things.

Hmm.

We're not going back.

Do you want vodka in that?

Yeah.

I can't believe you can afford a place like this.

Well, I do all our accounts and I've been overpaying meself for years.

'Twas nowt but a wormhole when I bought it, though.

She's an idiot and she tried to kill you, remember.

I know, but...

I called the police.

They will find her. And she will get...

Hello, Saffy, dear. Gran.

Funniest thing... I was wrong.

Lola's not here?

It wasn't Shirley Bassey, it was a lookalike.

Gran, where is Lola?

I have no idea, dear.

Come on, Gloria.

Have you got the balls?

Saff!

Emma. Lola!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I found her cleaning my room. They gave her to housekeeping.

I'm so glad you're safe.

Mmm-hmm.

I love you.

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's a long story.

Lulu called the police because I saw your mother here.

Lulu?

Nick?

What?

Oh, uh...

Hang on. Can you look after Lola?

Of course. I won't be long, I promise.

Nick, I found Lola. I found your mother.

I don't care about my mother.

Yes, you do. Drive!

Allez.

Go. Please.

I don't normally like the stuff you get in hotel lobbies, but this is quite nice.

It's fabulous.

Oh, I could get used to this.

I am used to it.

Where's the wife?

She's using the funicular. She'll be hours.

I tell you something, Eddy.

Little Kate Moss, thank you.

Oh. I mean, darling... this could be the first day of the start of the whole days of the rest of our lives, couldn't it, really?

Thanks to Lubey. Yeah, thanks to Lubey.

Are you growing attached to Lubey, darling?

We are just waiting for her to change her will and die.

Oh, Eddy.

I mean, has she changed her will yet?

All in good time, Eds, all in good time.

Oh, I say. Hello.

I'll just go and check that out.

Saffy, listen. I'm not coming home, so stop phoning me!

I've got the rest of my life to live and I'm going to live it.

I'm done with all of you, so forget me.

Just forget me.

I'm walking down the road Looking at trees All the people going by They say "How do you look so good today, Eddy?"

I say "I don't know. I don't know"

So... have you been working here long?

You look pretty... Oh, the mustache.

You're pretty gorgeous, too.

Eddy, Eddy! Eddy!

Eddy! What, darling?

The pigs, the fuzz... your face!

We've got to leave. The pigs, the fuzz, your face!

The pigs, the pigs!

Quick!

Come on, Eddy, we've got to get out of here.

Cover your face. Just hide, hide.

Excusez-moi. Hello.

Excusez-moi, madame?

I say!

Excusez-moi, madame?

Can I help you?

Quick, quick, quick, darling! Get in!

Allez, allez!

I am allez-ing.

Go left, go left!

Keep going, Eddy!

Go left!

At the end, go left.

Left. We've been left!

What's that pedal? Press that pedal.

That pedal! That pedal there!

Oh. Oh.

No, not that pedal.

Not that pedal.

Watch out!

Oh, God! Merci.

That was quite nice.

We've lost them, Eddy.

Shall I keep going? Yeah! We're not giving in!

Watch out!

Bloody bicyclettes!

We're not going back.

Brake, Eddy!

Oh, God! Whoa!

She could be anywhere.

Bubble, you're alive!

Welcome to my humble abode.

Lulu? What are you doing here?

I want to see you pay.

Mum!

Saff. Oh, shit.

Get out!

No, no.

Don't be ridiculous.

Nick's come to take you back for the hearing.

Eddy?

No, we're not going back, darling.

Mum, get out of the water!

Eddy, we're sinking.

Do get out of the pool, Mrs. Monsoon.

I would rather die than go back to all those hating faces!

I mean, look at me, darling.

All I've ever wanted was not to be fat... and old.

You know, darling. To just keep the party going.

Now here I am.

Just fat and old and hated... and nothing.

I'm getting in.

Darling, I know you think I don't know who I am...

...and what I've done.

But I do, darling, I do.

I'm disgusting.

Always wanting everything, always taking more.

Wearing stupid... ridiculous small, small, small, stylish, stupid, ridiculous clothing!

You think it's hard living with me, try being at this end, darling.

And it is all about me, isn't it?

It has been all about me.

And me, Eds.

Darling...

I've never given you the love that you deserve.

Before I go...

I want you to know that I love you.

I love you, Mum.

And Lola, sweetheart.

And Pats.

It's all right.

You can let me go, darling.

Let me go. I'm going to join Kate in the watery grave. Let me go.

Kate's not dead.

What? What?

What? She lives!

Kate!

Jean Paul. Where's the party?

The party is wherever you are, Kate!

I lost everyone.

Sometimes it's good to have lost some people.

You stay with me. We make another little party.

You stupid, bloody, bollocking idiot!

Why didn't you say that before?

I just humiliated myself!

Hi, Kate, darling.

No, I'm working from Nobu this week.

The world is at your feet and I can make them stay there.

Game-changing reinvention...

You are the new face of Louis Vuitton menswear.

I know!

No, I've done a big dump.

I only represent you now.

Got rid of Emma Bunton and Lulu.

I'm gonna be a big cheese in the Big Apple.

I am a big cheese! Thank you, darling!

We are living the dream, darling.

We are, darling.

Here I am, Edina Monsoon, on my way to... my book launch. Yeah.

Oh, darling, I lost my pelvic floor on takeoff.

Don't worry. We'll pick it up on the way back.

Fashion icon Kate Moss has been found safe and well... five days after falling from a balcony into the river.

It's been reported she is resting at the home ofher new P.R., Eddy Mon...

Why is Kate Moss still here?

Mum's doing her P. R. now.

Apparently, she's never been so in demand since she went missing.

So, darling, the plan is we throw a huge party in Hyde Park.

Like a "Welcome Back, Kate" party.

And darling, we should get Bollinger to give us a whole vintage. A whole vintage, darling.

Eddy, you'll want to wear couture.

Yeah, yeah. No Stella.

Am I still sending all the bills to Baroness Lublubliana...

Rothschild Von Thy...

Mum, no! You can't do that.

No, Eddy, no, no, no.

Think of our life, our dream!

Don't let this repellent little shrew take it away from us.

Every time our life hits a good patch, this miserable piece of flesh ruins it.

If you don't tell her, I will!

Oh, you little bitch troll from hell.

No!

Lubey, I have something to tell you.

I'm not a man.

I know.

And I'm not a woman.

Well, you don't mind sleeping with him/her?

Does it mean you don't need the strap-on? I don't know.

Wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next ofkin This wheel shall explode!

If your memory serves you well I was going to confiscate my lace And wrap it up in a sailor's knot And hide it in your case If I knew for sure that it was yours But it was oh, so hard to tell But you knew that we would meet again lfyour memory served you well

Wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next ofkin This wheel shall explode!

If your memory serves you well You'll remember you're the one That called on me to call on them To get you your favors done And after every plan had failed And there was nothing more to tell You knew that we would meet again lfyour memory served you well

Wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next ofkin This wheel shall explode!


You talk like Marlene Dietrich And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire Your clothes are all made by Balmain And there's diamonds and pearls in your hair Yes, there are You live in a fancy apartment Off the Boulevard Saint-Michel Where you keep your Rolling Stones records And your friend of Sacha Distel Yes, you do

Oh, but where do you go to, my lovely When you're alone in your bed?

Tell me the thoughts that surround you I want to look inside your head Yes, I do I've seen all your qualifications You got from the Sorbonne And the painting you stole from Picasso Your loveliness goes on and on Yes, it does Oh, when you go on your summer vacation You go to Juan-les-Pins With your carefully designed topless swimsuit You get an even suntan On your back and on your legs And when the snow falls you're found in St. Moritz With the others of thejet-set And you sip your Napoleon brandy But you never get your lips wet No, you don't But where do you go to my lovely When you're alone in your bed?

Won't you tell me the thoughts that surround you?

I want to look inside your head Yes, I do Your name it is heard in high places You know the Aga Khan He sent you a racehorse for Christmas And you keep itjust for fun for a laugh, ha-ha-ha They say that when you get married It'll be to a millionaire But they don't realize where you came from And I wonder if they really care Or give a damn Where do you go to, my lovely When you're alone in your bed?

Tell me the thoughts that surround you I want to look inside your head Yes, I do I remember the back streets ofNaples Two children begging in rags Both touched with a burning ambition To shake off their lowly-borne tags They try So look into my face Marie-Claire And remember just who you are Then go and forget me forever But I know you still bear the scar, deep inside Yes, you do I know where you go to my lovely When you're alone in your bed I know the thoughts that surround you

'Cause I can look inside your head


People should go back to watching videos of kittens.

Now bugger off.