Absurd Planet S1E1 Script

The Cycle of Life (2020)

[stirring music]

[David Attenborough impersonation] In a time when Mother Nature was still just a babe in the wood...

[wind howling]

...she dreamed a barren planet would someday teem...

[T-Rex] Growl. Grrrr!

...with majestic beings both great... and small.

[stirring music continues]

And when her wondrous vision came to pass, she gazed upon the primordial ooze and realized, that she still had some leftover ooze.

[ooze bubbling]

And from those remaining glops of goo, she created our...

Absurd Planet!

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for...

Mother...

Nature! [fades out]

[birds chirping] [Mother Nature] Yes! Hallelujah!

I am Mother Nature, and that's right, I did create some of the most spectacular creatures humankind has ever seen... but I also made some pretty bizarre artistic choices.

[vulture chirps]

Yep, somewhere along the line, being strange got a bad rap.

Right, Mr. Mustache Face? [chuckles]

Just because something is weird, doesn't mean it's not worthy.

Got that, four-eyed rainbow butt?

And I'm here to proclaim that different is good!

Can I get an amen, my no-nosed, frozen-faced cutie pie?

[flamingos mutter] Strangest things.

Therefore, I present to you, - my parade of oddities. [slurping sound]

Rebels amongst regulars, that must truly be seen to be believed.

[high voice] From mini, [deep voice] to maxi!

We begin this one... with number two.

[munching sounds]

Dung beetles are insects that feed either partly or exclusively on the feces of other animals.

You thought your paleo diet was hard to stomach!

[insects buzzing]

And just like those other Beatles, these little rock stars are shooting right up the charts.

[applause]

[announcer] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, The Dung Beetles!

[screams] [Beatles-style music]

♪ Here's a story 'bout a bug you know ♪

♪ They live on farms and grasslands, oh ♪

♪ You see these critters Everywhere you go ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

[girls scream]

♪ They don't care What kind of food they eat ♪

♪ This one's crazier than Fred VanVleet ♪

♪ Stick to their diet man They never cheat ♪

♪ No no no no ♪

[girls scream]

♪ Dung beetles live for poo ♪

♪ Dung beetles eat it ewww ♪

♪ Dung beetles roll number two ♪

♪ Dung beetles and poo ♪

[girls screaming] Dung Beetles! Dung Beetles! Dung Beetles!

I love you, Rollie!

Oh my God, have my babies, Dwellie!

[girls squealing]

♪ Dung beetles live for poo ♪

♪ Dung beetles eat it ewww ♪

♪ Dung beetles roll number two ♪

♪ Dung beetles and poo ♪

♪ So there's a scarab That you thought you knew ♪

♪ Five thousand species Only one loves poo ♪

♪ Don't invite them to your barbecue ♪

♪ No no no no ♪

♪ Dung beetles ewww! ♪

[applause and laughter]

[Dung Beetle shouting] I've got feces on me pincers!

[applause continues] [Dung Beetle voice plays in reverse]

[slowed down] I... bury... poo.

[applause continues]

[toilet flushes]

[suspenseful music]

[music gets louder]

Sorry, but this nightmare on elm tree isn't much of a palate cleanser.

[birds tweeting]

It's the creepiest, crawliest thing I ever created.

[creepy music]

Centipedes.

The word "centipede" means "100-footed,"

which is odd, because most centipedes don't have a hundred feet.

[sarcastically] Way to go, animal namers!

Either way, that's still a lot of slimy legs to crawl across your face at night.

[centipede] See you in your dreams!

Centipedes thrive in dark, warm, humid environments, like South American rain forests, or a hipster's beanie in the summertime.

Using their front two legs like fangs, centipedes inject their victim with venom, then curl around the creature and wait patiently for it to expire.

[dramatic music]

And they eat everything.

[caterpillar] Ooh, look at me, I'm dying.

Crickets, spiders, frogs, lizards,

small rodents...

Uh, that's a caterpillar!

Couldn't find a rodent?

[centipede] It's "ro-dent."

[music climaxes]

[birds chirruping and hooting]

Let's crawl over to Madagascar, an island so incredibly strange and jam-packed with nutso creatures, you basically have to be on fire to stand out.

Now, everyone's crazy about geckos.

They have sticky feet and adorbs little grins.

[gecko] Yep, I'm very popular.

[heavy metal music]

But... deep within this exotic island lives a member of the gecko family they don't even want to talk about.

The satanic leaf-tailed gecko.

♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪ Every family has its black sheep.

Even my... sheep.

[gentle folk music]

[sheep] Bah.

[heavy metal music]

This fallen angel of darkness has a flattened tail with notches to mimic a dying or decaying leaf.

They do this to blend into their habitat, and also because death and decay are wicked cool to demons!

♪ Death and decay Death and decay ♪ This one's so hardcore, he just painted his bedroom black and screamed...

[gecko teenager] You're not my real father!

...to someone who actually is his real father.

Lord Satan Gecko uses his long mobile tongue to wipe off dust and debris.

♪ Dust and debris, Dust and debris ♪ All of the aforementioned reasons are why the normal gecko family no longer invites the satanic leaf-tailed gecko to Gecko Thanksgiving.

♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪

[gecko teenager] Why am I always at the kids' table?

[heavy metal music ends]

[insects chirruping]

The low-lying wetlands of North America are peppered with funky-faced freakazoids.

Like star-nosed moles, whose personalities range from mellow... to psycho!

To find evidence of them, you just have to do a little digging.

[mole] Hello.

My name is Buddy Sparkle, and I'm a star-nosed mole attorney.

Your attorney.

YOUR attorney.

Friends, did you know, you already may be entitled to an absurd financial settlement? [cash register rings]

Uh, excuse me, but what makes you such a great lawyer?

First of all, let me ask the questions, Miss Nature.

But also, that's a great question!

My snout is outfitted with 25,000 minute receptors, each working to sniff out the best outcome for your wallet.

Impressive!

You must have the greatest sense of smell ever!

Meh. Strange but true, doll, I don't smell so good.

I really only use these pink doodads to feel around for justice.

So that means you must have incredible vision.

Well, technically, we're all blind.

Hold that thought. Lunch break.

Mm, worm.

[chomping]

Anyway, I'm an excellent digger, too.

Using my front paws as shovels to make tunnels that can go down a hundred feet or more.

So I know where all the bodies are buried.

But are you sensitive to your clients' needs?

Sensitive?

My pink, star-shaped nose is the most sensitive touch organ of any mammal, packed with over a hundred thousand nerve fibers.

Okay, maybe I'll hire you.

I object... if you don't.

[phone rings] - [Buddy] Operators are standing by.

[baboon] Buddy Sparkle, please hold.

Buddy Sparkle, please hold. [phone rings]

Buddy Sparkle, please hold! [phone rings]

Call me today. Call me yesterday.

Yes, I can time travel.

[phone rings] [buttons click]

[cicadas chirruping]

[Mother Nature] In the decidedly more sultry climate of Southeastern Asia, lives a creature you'll have to set an alarm and grab your infrared goggles... to witness.

[new age music]

I... am a pygmy... slow... loris.

Pyg... my.

I... have... a toxic... bite,

making me... the only... poisonous primate.

I sleep... during the day, sometimes... up in a tree...

under my desk... in my yurt.

[sighs]

I'm going through some stuff.

Someone should make fireworks... for the daytime... that explode... darkness.

Mind... blown.

Ever notice how the most normal-looking critters are always secretly the biggest freaks?

Let's take a trip [Aussie voice] down under, and get to the bottom of what makes this pearlfish so peculiar.

[perky classical music]

The pearlfish seems like a nice enough fella, until it dawns on you what he's about to do to this otherwise unassuming neighbor.

That yellow creature next to it is one of my sea cucumbers, and that little hole is its tushy.

The pearlfish wants to live inside the sea cucumber's rectum.

This meet-cute starts off like any good rom-com, with the pearlfish gauging the sea cucumber's tolerance...

[pearlfish sniffs]

...by sniffing its breath.

[sea cucumber exhales]

Fun fact:

Sea cucumbers actually breathe out of their butts.

[sea cucumber exhales]

[perky classical music continues]

And once it finds just the right spot, the pearlfish gears up to slide right into her BMs.

Now inside the cucumber's poo hamper, the pearlfish has a nice safe spot away from predators.

But all that work does stimulate an appetite, so the pearlfish will actually snack

- on the cucumber's gonads... [fart sound] and other organs.

As many as 15 pearlfish have been found living inside one poor sea cucumber's booty, and they're also known to mate while inside there.

[pearlfish] Yoo-hoo!

Pretty strange.

Am I right?

[birds and insects chirping]

We move west, to the vastness of Africa, the home office to a wide array of beautiful beasts.

But when it comes to the strangest things on the continent, beauty may only be skin deep but ugly goes straight to the bone!

[classical music]

I'm a marabou stork. Hi.

And we marabous play in smelly bogs.

Look at us poor trash birds. Ugh!

Okay, who had the chicken salad?

Did you leave the tip, Jaden?

You see, I just gobble stuff up with...

Eww! Nasty!

What was that, a snake I just ate? Ugh!

Look, we marabous fight over food like it's the last sticky bun at the bakery.

Oh, good grief!

Look at our crazy necks!

You know what's so funny?

I dress so dapper in my tuxedo, yet, I'm not wearing any underwears.

I need underwears for my neck, don't I?

[chuckles] Oh, yes, I do!

Let me tell you folks, neck sacks are the next big thing.

Trending!

Now supposedly we marabou storks poop on our own legs, just to keep ourselves cool.

Guilty! [laughing] It's pretty classy, huh?

I soar through the air with my big beak!

I have big-beak energy!

Just like Adrien Brody, or Maya Angelou, or even Barbara Stanwyck!

[flamingos squawking] Hey!

What's up, lady flamingos?

Check out my... scrotum neck.

And... all the flamingos walk faster.

Great.

Marabou storks don't care.

The marabou stork.

Me!

I'm this ugly!

End scene. [classical music ends]

[wind howling]

We now fly north, from winged weirdos to a mythical titan, landing in the frigid waters around Canada, Greenland, and Russia.

The narwhal is a curious pale-colored porpoise, so mythical-looking, it's sometimes known as "the unicorn of the sea."

[bells tinkling]

[retro computer game music]

The Inuit word "narwhal" translates to, "the one point to the sky."

[bell tinkling] - Or in English, "the one who pops inflatable life rafts."

[popping sound] [hissing]

[computer game music continues]

That horn is actually a tusk, with up to 10 million nerve endings inside.

[bells tinkling]

It helps detect fluctuations in water quality, and locate food.

[bells tinkling]

- Narwhals can change color as they age. [computer game music continues]

Newborns and juveniles start out blue, black, and gray...

[bell tinkles]

- ...but as they mature... [music, bells]

...all narwhals eventually become almost completely white.

- [bells tinkle loudly] - There's really not enough I can say

[shouts] about these pointy-headed porp-stars!

[bells intensify]

Ugh! Can you stop it already with those cheesy sound effects?

[sound effects stop]

- I get it! [porpoise blows]

It's a magical unicorn porpoise thingy, and you're making mystical sounds.

[sarcastically] Oh, so cute! [bell tinkles]

No! It's annoying!

[huffs] So anyway, don't sleep on a narwhal, and certainly don't sit on one, - unless that's your thing. [bells and springy sound effects]

Cut it out!

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah ♪