Absurd Planet S1E10 Script

Strangerer Things (2020)

[blues harmonica]

Weirdness blows my hair back.

Craziness... is my raison d'être.

So let's once again, don our tinfoil-hats, and bark at the moon.

[male] Hoo... Wait, I mean... woof!

Nature is stranger than fiction, y'all.

Time for my even stranger-er things, on our...

Absurd Planet!

[stark acoustic guitar] [wind howling]

It takes a face-melting amount of determination to survive out here in the desert.

And in sub-Saharan Africa, the harsh conditions make for some symbiotically strange bedfellows.

[wind howling]

A deep-fried squid pro quo, if you will.

[chirpy classical music]

I've often pondered, how much ox would an oxpecker peck if an oxpecker could peck ox?

The answer? All the ox!

[sprightly music]

And some giraffes, rhinos, and zebras.

Call these little birds the Green Bay Peckers, because they... play... the field.

Typically, the oxpecker will locate a tick-riddled mammal, and then dine out in Flavortown.

They'll pick away at pests from inside of their host's nose...

Mm, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.

Num-num-num-num, boogie, boogie, boogie.

...ears...

[muffled] Mm, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax.

...and around their eyes...

Crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust.

...and deeper within their fur.

Fur, fur, fur.

In the end, both go home happier and healthier.

[male] Hey, Carl! Whaddya got cookin' down there?

[Carl] I don't know, but this guy's nose sure tastes funny.

[male] The following is an announcement of the absurd alert emergency system.

If you are an insect or a small frog in the South Carolina metropolitan area, please pay attention to this message.

There are widespread reports of carnivorous plant sightings.

The Venus flytrap is found in sandy and peaty soil that is poor in nitrogen and phosphorous.

To make up for the lack of nutrients, they rely on supplements from unsuspecting bugs.

When an insect makes the mortal mistake of triggering the sensitive hairs, it takes just one tenth of a second for the jaws of death to close.

In five to twelve days, the trap will then open, to reveal the remains of its murdered munchable.

Don't be ignorant.

There's absolutely no reason to crawl inside the mouth of a Venus flytrap.

Learn to adapt, don't get trapped.

Respect the laws, avoid the jaws.

[Morse Code beeps]

[radio interference]

[jaunty classical music]

[Mother Nature] Since the invention of the Internet, one coddled creature has solidified itself...

[meow] - ...as the undisputed emperor of adorable animal memes.

Helloooo, kitties!

But sorry, all you smug, overrated tabbies, the time for a strange change is right "meow."

[suspenseful music]

Introducing... the newest viral animal craze...

[squealing] - Move over cat memes, it's time for...

♪ Bat memes! ♪

[70s funk rock music]

Why did anyone ever think the "hang in there" cat was a good idea?

No offense...

[meows] - ...but cats aren't exactly known for their hanging ability.

[meows] [crash]

It's bats that hang, man!

♪ Bat memes! ♪ Bats sleep hanging upside down so they can easily take flight and escape predators.

[squealing]

They also have one-way valves in their arteries that prevent blood from flowing backwards.

That's how they're capable of hanging for hours without blood rushing to their bat brains.

♪ Bat memes! ♪ And... [scoffs] move over, laser cat!

For some reason, people have spread a bogus belief

- that bats are... as blind as a bat. [squealing]

Not to "batsplain" here, but they actually have really great eyesight.

They can even see in the dark.

Some would even say they have... laser vision!

♪ Bat memes! ♪

[random notes]

And finally... pack your bags, keyboard kitty.

There's a new rock star in town.

[sci-fi music] [squealing]

Bats have tremendous hearing abilities, and use echolocation, which helps them navigate dark caves.

Those killer ears make them amazing keyboard bats.

[80s synth music]

Oh. And I'll let you cats keep the grumpy one.

[animal cry]

[new age music]

Yep! If we're gonna live on this absurd planet, we're gonna need an absurd leader to run things.

So, welcome to election day in Borneo.

[marching band]

Hello, world.

I'm Stan the proboscis monkey, and I'm running for president of the Absurd Planet kingdom.

I can guarantee you, my constituents, I will win the swing vote.

And like some proboscis monkeys, I've been known to swing both ways!

Proboscis is defined as an elongated appendage from the head of the animal.

So I have no idea why they call me the proboscis monkey.

[wheezy laugh]

But enough of the funny stuff. Here are the cold hard facts.

In high school, I was voted most likely to have a nose that looks like Paul Giamatti's banana.

Talk about a hanging chad!

[aside] Hold for laugh.

Proboscis monkeys are known for our epic vocal honks.

[honk] And boy, can I honk! [honk]

President Hunky Honker.

Write that one down.

Animal experts have called my vocalizations a cross between an elephant learning how to play trombone...

[loud honk]

...and Dame Judi Dench stepping on a Lego!

So, take a stand... with Stan!

I'm Stan the proboscis monkey, and I approve this message.

[honk]

[reggae music]

[Mother Nature] Madagascar is nuts!

Eighty percent of the island species are endemic.

Meaning, you can't find them anywhere else.

And some of these little guys are so weird, you'll think you're in TheTwilight Zone.

[menacing music]

This is a brookesia chameleon, found in the islet of Nosy Hara.

It's the smallest known chameleon on Earth.

Due to their micro size, they are incredibly hard to locate, but... because they sleep so deeply, they are incredibly easy to pick up.

Hi, little guy!

[yawning]

[deep male voice] I'm awake.

Whoa! Someone's due for a manicure.

Couldn't have washed your hands first?

Whoa! Deeper voice than I expected.

Whaddya need?

I'm getting ready to play volleyball down at the Y.

Wait,...volleyball?

But that's a sport for tall creatures!

[scoffing] Dude! Get a grip.

I'm, like, the tallest chameleon on the team.

Oh yeah, I guess size is all relative.

Yeah... relative. Whatever.

[speaks unintelligibly whilst yawning]

Don't you have somewhere else to be?

Stop talking and turn out the light!

Whoa! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the yellow fingernail.

[Hawaiian hula music]

I think we all agree...

I am a highly creative deity.

Stipulated.

But when it comes to populating Earth with wonderful beasts, I only make 'em. I don't name 'em.

And crikey!

You guys are weirding me out with some of your impossible-to-decipher species spellings.

[muzak]

Hello, I'm Miss Pronounced, the Animal Name Mispronunciation Baboon.

Are you ready to play my fun and futile game?

Please, try not to be an I-M-B-E-C-I-L-E.

Alright, here's the first one.

This cardinal is found in the American southwest, and is known for its red crest and wings, but don't commit the cardinal sin of even bothering to pronounce its name correctly.

[male] Piro-hi-lo-ox-gua?

[wrong answer buzzer]

[male 2] Py-ru-ru-hu-lo-shia?

[wrong answer buzzer]

[female] Pyro-ex-lax.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Not great, bird brains.

The correct pronunciation is "pih-ruh-luk-see-uh."

Number two.

This is a neotenic salamander.

They're known as the Mexican walking fish, but, spoiler alert!

They're amphibians.

Buena suerte y felicidades, if you can properly pronounce the name of these absurd Aztecs.

[male] A-hoe-toll.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[male 2] Axl-ghhhh.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[female] Adderall.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tasia, can I put you on hold?

I'm talking to a bunch of idiots.

No bueno, lizard lungs.

The correct pronunciation is "ak-suh-laa-tl."

As in, you're a laa-tl dopey.

Last chance!

These hairy-bodied yet bald-headed monkeys hail from the northwestern region of the Amazon basin.

They have very little visible fat, making their bald heads appear skeletal, and giving them their striking red facial skin.

And your face may turn beet-red trying to pronounce their names.

[male] O-uh...

O-uh-ku-wah...

O-wah-ha-ku-wah.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[male 2] Da-i... Da-i-ka-ri?

[wrong answer buzzer]

[female] Eu... cuh-ner-rious.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Is it possible to get hemorrhoids in your brain?

I'm bleeding out of my ears over here!

Why don't I just tell you how to say it.

It's "wuh-kaa-ree."

As in, you are ah-sorry at pronouncing animal names.

You guys are all losers.

This could've been yours, if you'd just known how to pronounce their names.

[anchor] The following is another announcement from the absurd alert emergency system.

If you are an insect or small frog in the South African, Australian, or Floridian metropolitan area, please pay attention to this message.

The sundew plant is found in marshes and bogs.

They look to sustain themselves by getting nutrients from unsuspecting pollinators.

Sundew plants are known as flypaper plants, meaning they're covered with sticky dew.

Once their prey is stuck, they wrap their leaves around it, leaving the insect to either suffocate or exhaust themselves to death.

Have no doubt, these mucilaginous malefactors are looking to prey on you and your loved ones.

Do not fall for their colorful patterns.

They are nothing but pain and suffering.

And remember, don't push your luck, or you might get stuck.

[Morse Code beeping]

[radio interference]

[jaunty music]

[Mother Nature] This is an aye-aye, also known as a lemur.

They look normal at first glance, but trust me...

I gave them some pretty weird features.

We could chat about them all day.

But aye-aye'd rather tell you about them... in song.

[folk music]

♪ Aye, aye, aye, aye ♪

♪ An aye-aye is a lemur ♪

♪ Teeth that never stop growing Knock holes in the wood ♪

♪ They also have a long middle finger ♪

♪ Aye, aye, aye, aye ♪

♪ An aye-aye is a lemur ♪

♪ Teeth that never stop growing Knock holes in the wood ♪

♪ They also have a long middle finger ♪

[Mother Nature] OK.

[whimsical music]

In southeastern Africa, there's a family of petite antelopes that might seem unremarkable, but the oddball sounds they emit may just get stuck in your head for weeks.

[squeaky whistle]

This is a dik-dik, and these are some of their stranger-er facts.

[squeaky whistle]

Most dik-diks are quite small, measuring only a foot long.

Hmm, that doesn't seem that small to me.

Interestingly, female dik-diks are larger than male dik-diks, but the males have horns, which are small, slanted, and longitudinally grooved.

Dik-diks are monogamous as an evolutionary response to predators.

Although sometimes, a tricky dik-dik male will try to initiate adding a new female into his existing relationship.

[squeaky whistle]

The name "dik-dik" comes from the distinct whistling sound they make

- using their long, tubular snouts. [squeaky whistle]

To the human ear, dik-diks sound like this.

[squeaky whistles]

But to another dik-dik, they sound like this:

[female] Dik-dik! Dik-dik!

Dik-diiik!

[camera shutter clicks] - Aren't dik-diks so-so cool-cool? [laughs]

[sighing] Ah, great... it's these weirdos again.

[rock guitar] [Brian] That's right, Mona!

I'm Brian. And I'm Bhryann.

[Brian] We're the Battle Bug Bros!

And tonight, we're turning into the Rap Battle Bug Bros.

[Bhryann] Truth! We have two of the flyest little guys going head-to-head.

It's fireflies versus house flies.

[Brian] I'm representing team fire!

[Bhryann] And I'm gonna break it down with the houseflies. Drop it!

[rap music intro]

♪ You eat plant pollen While I eat pumpkin pie

♪ Despite your fire butt You're still not very fly

♪ Dodging frogs is the mission That's abundantly clear

♪ But if it's death or being you Hey, Kermit, I'm right here

[flies booing]

Bro, frogs are the biggest predators to fireflies.

Alright, you up...

[rap music intro]

You like to eat poo-poo And you like to rub your hands

You throw up on your food Which I just can't understand

You're so stupid That's why everyone is staring

Your body's so dim You don't have luciferin

[flies] Go home!

Bro, luciferin is the chemical inside fireflies that makes 'em glow.

[Bhryann] Oh, really? I had no idea, dude.

Alright, last round.

[rap music intro]

Keep playing games I'm about to go medieval

Scientifically you're just A glow-in-the-dark beetle

Humans might say You help light up the sky

But, to me, you're just a target And this here's a bull's-eye

[flies] Go home!

[Bhryann] Get this dude, fireflies are actually beetles, not flies.

[Brian] Oh, wow, you're, like, so smart, but...

[rap music intro]

♪ A person wouldn't even Put you inside of a jar ♪

♪ You're probably gonna die On the windshield of my car ♪

♪ When I flash my light It's just to help me find a mate ♪

♪ Go find your momma She can help me demonstrate ♪

[Bhryann] Wait, what'd you say about my mom, bro?

[Brian] I didn't say anything about your mom. The firefly did! [laughs]

[Bhryann] Oh, alright dude.

You know, we're actually, like, pretty good at rapping.

[Brian] Thanks, bro. I used to rap for that girl, Coco.

[Bhryann] Wait, bro. I used to rap for that girl, Coco!

[Brian] What you talkin' about, bro? [arguing]

[Mother Nature] Hey, stop it!

I'm back to select a winner, and it turns out...

[rap music intro]

...you both lose!

[flies] Go home!

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[Mother Nature] Hello? Ken Quandorf here.

[Mother Nature sighing] What is it, Ken?

[Ken] First time, long time.

[Mother Nature] Nope, no... you literally call every day, Ken.

[Ken] No, I don't. But the reason I'm calling is because I heard that all the sand on Hawaiian beaches is actually fish poop.

[Mother Nature] Well, that's almost right, Ken.

And it's all thanks to my parrotfish, a bizarre creature with an appetite for the algae that grows on coral.

The fish gnaws the stuff off with its beak-like teeth, but in the process, also strips calcium carbonate from the reef, and I'm talking a lot of it!

[Ken] I like to eat a lot, too.

[Mother Nature] Well, get this, Ken...

A single parrotfish can eat enough calcium carbonate every year to digest and then plop out 800 pounds of sand!

[Ken] Sand makes my feet smooth.

[Mother Nature] Mm. I'm sure you have beautiful feet, Ken.

[Ken] I'd like those parrot guys.

[Mother Nature] They're not actually guys. All parrotfish are actually born female, and then join a larger school.

[Ken sadly] Me failed school.

[Mother Nature] No. School failed you, Ken.

But, in parrotfish schools, the largest female will subsequently transform into a male, and adopt a beautiful color scheme.

[Ken] My grandma has a mustache!

[Mother Nature] Now he's got himself a harem that he keeps a watch over, and yes... all of them are constantly pooooping sand.

[Ken] I poop poop.

[Mother Nature] Wow, uh... [stuttering] Oo! I think I'm losing you!

[Ken] No, I can hear you fine.

[Mother Nature] Uh... shkwshwsh... I'm going... oh, tunnel... can't, oh... shkkk...

Click.

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪