Absurd Planet S1E11 Script

We're All the Same (2020)

You all think you're sooo special with your fancy opposable thumbs, but you human beings are really just the "greatest hits" evolutionary compilation

- of my OG animal creations. [squawking]

That whole "walking upright" idea? [scoffs]

That refreshing dip in the river?

That jet propulsion thing? [scoffs]

My animals did it first.

Okay, well, maybe not jet propulsion.

[whizzing sound]

Take this frogfish, for example, with all of its frilly varietals, colorful ensembles, and diva behaviorisms.

Some see "voracious hunter,"

I see Sir Elton John screaming:

[Elton John impersonation] "Good night, Cleveland!"

[Mother Nature] So, just accept it. [kissing sounds]

Humans and animals have more in common than you know.

[male] Come out to the swamp, we'll get together, have a few laughs.

[applause]

- Coexisting here, on my... [loud kissing sound]

...Absurd Planet!

[birds twittering]

Let's face it, it's hard being an animal.

Sometimes, just like humans, animals have to unwind after long days of almost getting eaten by predators.

Lucky for them, there's a little place called Fantastic Tam's, and it's all about pampering for primates.

[East Coast accent] That's right! I'm a tamarin monkey.

Owner and founder of Fantastic Taaam's!

Are you a Japanese snow monkey with a barrel of stress?

Well, swing on over to my all-natural hot springs!

Where females can luxuriate as they groom each other to maintain hygiene.

But watch out, ladies...

Sometimes this steamy grotto will attract dominant males to the group.

[squealing]

We're all the same. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

[Tamarin monkey] Eww! Yum.

Hot springs not only keep macaques warm during winter months, but this toasty soak also lowers the stress hormone levels!

Talk about a happy ending!

And if the steamy spa setting isn't your thing, then check into a full body rub-down with a licensed primate.

[male] Ohhh, that's the stuff!

[tamarin monkey] Our grooming experts know how to sift through hair, picking out dirt, insects, and dry skin from your coat, so you can look your best!

[70s disco music] Get a mani!

Get a pedi!

Lift that tail, and just get ready!

Peekaboo!

When you need to go from a prime- "eight" to a prime- "ten..." [camera clicks]

...remember the name:

Fantastic Tam's.

♪ Next time your hair is in a jam ♪

♪ Climb on down to Fantastic Tam's! ♪

[dramatic music]

[anchor] We're sorry to interrupt your programming, ladies and gentlemen, but we have some late breaking news.

There are widespread reports of seals yawning.

Scientists are still not sure what caused this yawning outbreak.

Just like humans, the seals may be tired, bored, or in need of oxygen to their brains.

We now go live to our resident seal expert to find out what he thinks.

And, I think, uhhhhhhhhh...

[dramatic music]

[new age music]

[Mother Nature] It's my job to make creatures.

It's your job to name 'em.

Sometimes you nail it, like "hammerhead shark."

That makes perfect sense.

Head that looks like a hammer? Check.

Brava!

But some animal names insinuate they'd be good corporate employees in the human world.

And... yikes!

That's just false advertising.

[chirping] [African percussion]

[male] I'm a secretary bird, hello.

I'm a very large bird of prey from Africa, hi!

And I stand over four feet tall.

I make a cool secretary bird, but... I would make for a very terrible secretary.

For starters, the secretary birds are terrestrial birds, which means we don't really like to fly much.

I mean, imagine being a bird with wings, and choosing not to fly.

Good luck getting me to pick up your dry cleaning! [laughs]

Secretary birds are also known for our stomping of prey until they're dead or immobilized. [squeals]

And then I eat it.

Yum.

But, if I were your actual secretary, that'd make for some frightening moments for folks waiting for their job interview.

"She will see you in five minutes.

I am just going to stomp this sweet little bunny to death."

[squeals] We secretary birds can strike with the force of five times our body weight.

Hey, Linda, would you please get me the accounting file?

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Dead.

Linda doesn't get files! Linda stomps!

Also, we secretary birds do not speak English, or any other human language.

In conclusion, we secretary birds would make terrible secretaries.

A better name for us would've been "Stompy the HR Nightmare Bird."

[Mother Nature] See ya in court, Stompy. Good day!

[dramatic music]

[anchor] We're sorry to interrupt your absurd program yet again, - but we have more breaking news. [police siren]

There has been a sighting of a Sally Lightfoot crab doing... imitations?

Now known as the "imitation crab," we take you live to the Galapagos Islands.

Mr. Crab, what's going on down there?

[sincerely] Let me be clear.

Uh... I am... uh... Sally Lightfoot... uh... crab.

[anchor] Ah! Very nice Obama.

[Sally Lightfoot] I was named "Sally" after a Caribbean dancer.

I can even jump to avoid, uh, predators.

See!

I told you so.

You can read about it in my book, The Audacity of Kelp.

[anchor] That was... really great.

Do you do any other impressions of US presidents?

[imitating Richard Nixon] I am not a crab.

Wait a minute, yes I am.

[anchor] Oh, I got it. Richard Nixon.

Pretty soon, you won't have this Sally Lightfoot crab to kick around anymore.

[anchor] Well, there you have it, folks.

A truly unremarkable story.

[dramatic music]

[Mother Nature] Well, that left a bad impression. [chuckles]

While we're still in the Galapagos, let's pay a visit to another creature that exhibits one of the more snotty traits of humanity.

This is the marine iguana.

The only lizard in the world that has adapted to a marine lifestyle.

[R&B music]

They spend their days swimming out into the ocean to forage for algae, and in doing so, they inadvertently ingest a lot of salty seawater.

Actually, a lethal dose of it.

And in order to expel all the extra salt in their bodies, marine iguanas have large cranial glands that shoot all the extra fluid right out of their nostrils.

You might know it as a farmer's blow... or something you might see the first baseman of the New York Yankees do while waiting for the next pitch.

But to be fair, a lot of my other animals share the same snotty and slobbery traits

- as you etiquette-challenged humans. [chirruping]

Get ready, this song... blows!

[acoustic guitar strumming]

Uhhh! Uhhh!

Get outta there, boogie!

♪ I picked your nose after eating a bee ♪

♪ I pulled it out, now it's inside me ♪

♪ It's one of those desert boogies ♪

♪ A little bloody but mostly green ♪

♪ I understand that you can't breathe ♪

♪ And if you don't blast it out You're gonna sneeze

♪ But ohhh ♪

[squirting sounds]

♪ Snot rocket ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sticky, sticky snot rocket ♪

♪ Oh, Christmas-colored snot rocket ♪

♪ You're stuck on me ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la laaa ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

[grumbling]

♪ Wipe it off with a tree leaf, please ♪

♪ Before I get some booger disease ♪

♪ I'd cross the desert And the seven seas ♪

♪ To not get hit with your nasal peas ♪

♪ I understand that you can't breathe ♪

♪ And if you don't blast it out You're gonna sneeze

♪ But ohhhh ♪

♪ Snot rocket ♪

♪ Oh, sticky, sticky snot rocket ♪

♪ Oh, Christmas-colored snot rocket ♪

♪ You're stuck on me ♪ Aaaaaa... choo!

♪ La... la la laaa ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la laaa ♪

♪ I'm glad you're stuck on me ♪ Ah-ahhh! [splurt]

[growls]

[country music]

[Mother Nature] Vanity, schmanity.

Frankly, I find you people to be highly narcissistic relative to my babes.

But... from time to time, I'll just sit back and admire some of their strikingly spectacular, and enviable human-like attributes.

[quirky music]

This is a red-lipped batfish.

You can find this little flippin' flapper in the waters around the Galapagos Islands and off the coast of Peru.

While indeed it is a fish, it is not a very good swimmer, which seems like an oxymoron.

That's like being a fly who can't fly, a crow who can't crow, or a cheetah who can't cheat.

The red-lipped batfish is a scavenging bottom dweller.

[female] Hey, not cool!

But it's true!

The red-lipped batfish has pectoral fins that have evolved for walking on the ocean floor.

Right, Darwin?

I once ate an owl.

The batfish actually travels more on foot than it does by swimming.

I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here!

Yes, you are, and you're getting in your steps!

Peripatetic perambulation.

But, by far, the physical attribute this fish is most famous for, is its big, juicy, red, human-like lips.

And boy, are people envious of these puckers.

I woke up like this.

That's technically true.

It did wake up like that.

It was born like that, but the bright-red lips are used by the male batfish to attract mates.

[male, clears throat] Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Not at all!

I don't hate you because you're beautiful.

Smooches! [kissing sound]

I married my first cousin.

[African drums]

We all know the housing market is out of control.

Everyone's trying to find a home that's bigger, better and newer.

Just like my hermit crabs, who are known to shed their shell houses any chance they get.

And with this much turnover, there's bound to be some wheelin' and dealin'!

[boing]

I'm Harriet the hermit crab from Harriet's Used Conch and Hermit Crab Shell Lot, and I'm here to remind you that it's everyone's favorite time of year.

[VO] Molt-a-thon! [Mother Nature] Can I get a good deal?

[Harriet] Deals so good they make your antennae spin.

[Mother Nature] Yeah... I don't have antennae.

[Harriet] Take a look at my shellroom, every interior smoooother than an eel's ear hole.

You can't fathom the discounts!

Ready to claw your way to the top of the line?

Back yourself into one of those certified, pre-owned, deluxe, General Mollusk models?

This one still has that new-shell smell! [cash till pinging]

Or... maybe that's your thing.

The stench of rotting fish!

Who's to say?

[VO] You... do... you!

[Mother Nature] Where you located? [Harriet] Down at the confluence of Little Cayman Island and Grand Cayman Island Way.

If you pass the wacky waving garden eels, you've gone too far! [tires squeal]

Musical tagline:

♪ Harry's Used Conch and Hermit Crab Shell Lot ♪

♪ Pick one soon or you will die ♪ Hey! You stole my theme song!

[Mother Nature] Some creatures act just like humans when it comes to finding a mate.

And, like you weekend Watusi warriors, they compete in fabulous dance-offs, hoping to win over Mrs. Right.

Or in this case... Mrs. Flight.

[disco music]

There are over 40 species of birds of paradise, - each with its own distinctive style. [screeches]

- Look at this guy. Yo!

- And this guy. Eh... yes, ma'am.

And what about this guy?

[deep voice] What it do, baby?

More diversity than a college brochure.

[chirping]

The fellas are not only reminiscent of a Lady BooGa after party, they also have the moves to back it up.

When a lucky gal catches his eye, he'll spread out his feathers in a fan shape and boogie down.

The elaborate display of peacocking dovetails into an explosion of passion and everlasting bliss that lasts for...

Oh. It's already over.

[cheesy music]

[dreamily] A romance for the ages.

Why? Because...

[male] Nobody puts Birdy in the corner!

[ambient music]

[male VO] I... am... a... tool... user.

[birds chirping]

Sticks... and stones... add meat... to my... bones.

A coco-... nut... shell... so you can't... hurt... me.

[ambient music continues]

Toooooools.

Toooooools.

Toooooools... are my... friends.

[insects chirruping]

[sprightly music]

[Mother Nature] For decades, human companies have been using my creatures to hawk their products.

Tony the Tiger, Smokey the Bear, - Winnie the Pooh. [growls]

- No, that's not actually Winnie. [farting sound]

- That's just a bear... taking a poo. [growls, farts]

[quacking]

But to show you how disastrous an animal running a large business would be, here is a duck in charge of an auto insurance company.

[phone rings]

Quack?

- Yeah, hi, I was just in a car accident. Quack?

The guy who hit me was driving very fast.

Quack.

Are you actually a duck?

- Is the only thing you can say "quack"? Quack.

You know, there's an urban legend that a duck's quack doesn't echo, but that's not true, they do echo!

[echoing] Quack!

See?

And did you know a male duck is called a drake?

Hey, Drake.

What are your thoughts about being on Absurd Planet?

- It's definitely surreal. - Anyway, back to my auto insurance claim.

Quack! - You know, I'm getting tired of this!

Quaaack. - Don't talk to me that way!

Quack?

Do you have any idea with whom you are speaking?

Quack? - That's it. Lemme talk to your supervisor.

She's also a duck. [duck laughing]

[dramatic music]

[anchor] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We are sorry to interrupt your program once again, but we are following a startling slow-speed chase, of what appears to be a common slug, on the run.

[anchor 2] That's right, Chuck, the felonious slug has led police on a treacherous pursuit, hitting the gastropod's top speed of .0028 meters per second.

As you know, driving like an idiot is a privilege in the human world.

[Chuck chuckling] Oh yes, Gary. Humans are awful.

[Gary] Wait a minute, it looks like he just passed a pebble!

- He is not slowing down! But he's not speeding up, either.

Is it true, Gary, that slugs secrete slime in order to slide across surfaces more easily?

[Gary] Yes, that's correct.

It's scientifically known as a "snail trail."

[Chuck] Okay, and now let's go live to our resident slug expert to see... what he thinks.

And, I think, uhhhhhhhhh...

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪