Absurd Planet S1E12 Script

Absurd is the Word (2020)

[raunchy rock music]

Dudes!

What a long, strange trip it's been!

Together, we've witnessed some of the most spectacular, weird and wonderful creatures that call our big, blue ball "home."

But indulge me, if you will, as I turn the very concept of our absurd planet... on its head, because, while you may think you knew everything about animals

- we typically consider normal... [animal calls]

...you actually don't know jack!

So, let's call this a behind-the-scenes, deep-dive peek at my hall of famers.

The oddest facts about the everyday animals, like lions...

[roars]

...tigers...

[growls] - ...and bears, that will have you actually saying:

[male] Oh, my!

- All here on our... [squeals]

...Absurd Planet!

[Italian accordion music]

[NYC Italian accent] Hey! I'm a raccoon, okay?

You probably met my cousin, the naked mole rat.

Anywhere you go on the Earth globe, there I am.

My habitat's everywhere, so get used to us, cuzo.

You see that garbage pile? That's my garbage pile.

You see that gunk? That's my gunk.

That's what I eat, okay?

I'm the world's most omnivorous animal.

Omni-vor-ous.

That's a good word, right? Look it up. I'll wait.

[clock ticking]

Okay?

That means I eat plants, I eat animals, I'll even eat that bird! [tweets]

Get over here. Gimme that. Bring it over here. Bring it over here!

[jazz music]

My most distinctive features are my dexterous front paws.

[jazz interlude]

They're gorgeous!

My facial mask, which helps me see in the dark.

[jazz music interlude]

Gorgeous.

And my ringed tail?

[jazz interlude]

Gorgeous.

Wetting my food so it'll make a nice sauce, huh?

[jazz music interlude] Smart!

Scusi, okay?

Get outta my gaaarbage, huh?

I'm datin' yer sister.

Whaddya want?

Now, where was I? What?

Raccoons.

We're okay by me, huh? Whaddya want?

[jazz music ends]

[whimsical music] [birds twittering]

[Mother Nature] Now, everyone knows what a goat is.

They're an animal so common, they practically grow on trees.

[bleating]

Point is, there's a curiously absurd fact about goats you probably didn't know.

Take a listen to this goat:

[long, high bleat]

Alright, now listen to this one:

[short, low bleat]

Notice anything different?

[low bleat]

Hmm, well... depending on where they grow up, goats have different accents and dialects.

[bleating]

Oh, you don't speak goat?

Well, lucky for you, I'm Mother Nature.

So my crack linguistics team will help translate.

[long bleat]

[calling] Oh, Clive! Translation please?

[upper-class British accent] Chuffed to bits to meet you.

Fancy a cuppa?

- Ah, yes, the regal British goat. [bleating]

Let's listen to this next one:

[high-pitched bleat]

Étienne?

[male] Je suis un beau chèvre.

Veux-tu m'épouser?

[Mother Nature] Yeah, I'll get back to you on that, Frenchie.

Researchers found that goats modify their accents as they age, and enter specific goatherds.

Sorta like that time Madonna turned British. [chuckles]

[New Jersey female] Uhh! You give me angina when you make fun o' Madonna!

She's my inspiration.

I listen to her every day, on my drive in to Dunkin' Donuts.

[ambient music]

[chirruping insects]

[male] I... am... elephant.

[baby elephant call]

We have... perfect... memory.

[sighs]

I can't 'member... where I... heard that.

We can't... jump.

But you can't... weigh...

13,000 pounds...

Dumbo.

So... call... me... maybeee.

[country music]

[Mother Nature] Do you know what an opossum is?

You o'probably think they're just an ordinary o'pest from your o'garden, but, oh boy, do you have them all o'wrong.

[cheesy music]

Hi, everybody.

My name is O'Patrick the Opossum, and I'm here to tell you that opossums are awesomes.

People think we're ugly and scary, and have gross tails.

And while that's totally true, we also have many benefits to humans.

For starters, we eat garden pests like slugs, cockroaches and rats, and we love eating ticks.

I can eat 5,000 ticks per season.

Wow!

Even ticks that carry Lyme disease.

But get this:

I don't carry Lyme disease myself!

Pretty awesomes, right?

We're also immune to snake venom.

I'll eat a snake to protect your family. [hisses]

Uh, that's actually a snake eating an opossum, but you get the point.

Sometimes when we get really scared, we'll get paralyzed and play dead for one to four hours, hoping the predator will just go away.

How awesomes is that?

So next time you see an opossum, don't be scared.

Give him a high-five, because opossums are awesomes!

Disclaimer: Don't give an opossum a high-five.

While they don't carry Lyme disease, they still carry diseases, like tuberculosis, relapsing fever, and Chagas disease, and they may be infested with fleas, mites, and lice.

Don't listen to him. Opossums are awesomes!

[Mother Nature] For millennia, many of my... shall I say, peskier creations, have been a source of irritation and controversy.

Yeah... for all of mankind!

Admittedly, he's right.

I am nothing, if not an equal opportunist.

So, in the interest of equal time, I present these opposing viewpoints... in song.

[insects buzzing]

[male human] ♪ She has to say she's sorry For the mess she's made ♪

♪ Mosquito bites and bed bugs Dust mites ♪

♪ Walk away! ♪

♪ You better get your can of Raid ♪

♪ She has to say she's sorry For these jerks she's brought ♪

♪ Why do fleas and ticks even exist ♪

♪ Tapeworms are caught ♪

♪ From that day-old sushi you bought ♪

[animals] ♪ She's our hero ♪

♪ Perfect in every way ♪

♪ She can do no wrong ♪

♪ We're offended by this song ♪

[human] ♪ She has to do some 'splainin' ♪

♪ What the heck is this? ♪

♪ There's fish that swim into urethra ♪

♪ Say you're sorry, Miss ♪

♪ Well you must be a lunatic ♪

[animals] ♪ She's our hero ♪

♪ Perfect in every way ♪

♪ She can do no wrong ♪

♪ We're offended by this song ♪

[human] ♪ She has to say she's sorry For the mess she's made ♪

[wasps buzzing]

[Mother Nature huffing] Fine. I'm really sorry.

We all know lions.

They are kings, and they are cowards.

They open up classic movies, and have never won Wimbledon.

[growling] - But what you might not know is that lions have a reputation among my creatures to spin tales... with their tails.

This is...

[male VO] The Lion Shares.

[male] Hey, I'm a lion!

[snarls] I'm the only big cat with a tassel tail.

That's right, King!

And you use that fluffy tail to signal other lions in your pride.

Your messages can be simple directional orders, or even a little flirtatious fun.

Lion share.

Bet you didn't know that I'm afraid of porcupines.

One quill could get stuck in my throat for years.

Yikes! Lion share. [snarling]

When my lioness Laura's in heat, I can mate every fifteen minutes.

[roars] [Laura] Oh, grits on a stick!

That lion ain't lyin'.

Uh... Whoa! Lion share?

[Lenny] One time, my Laura, she ate a bad vulture, and she got diarrhea for 12 days.

[Laura] To reiterate, that lion ain't lyin'.

[sniggers] I pooped all over the Serengeti.

[Mother Nature] And... the lion shared too much.

[fart]

[big band music]

[upper class British accent] Welcome to another edition of The Daily Poop!

These are the sperm whales, found in ocean waters the world over!

These animals barf up ambergris, a waxy blob that makes its way through their digestive system.

Freshly regurgitated ambergris initially has a low-tide-y, fecal odor.

However, it eventually smells sweet as it ages, taking on an earthy and nutty note.

It is highly prized by you... and me.

"Why?" you say.

Because ambergris has been used by perfumers to make pretty scents last longer.

It has even been known to enhance foods, as a serving of eggs and ambergris was reportedly King Charles II of England's favorite dish.

[Charles II] Wakey wakey, eggs and pukey!

And at 44,000 dollars per kilo, you better believe, ambergris is one whale of a waste product!

[Mother Nature] Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! [big band music ends]

[lounge music]

During a study a few decades ago, it was discovered that the common pigeon can be taught to differentiate between specific artists.

You heard me correctly.

This means that subway pigeon you see platform-hopping might not be thinking about French fries, but rather, French post-impressionism.

I now have the pleasure of interviewing the leading avian art critic.

I know your time is valuable, so, thank you so much for joining me today, Oliver Pigeon.

[strong French accent] Iz pronounced "Oliv-er Pee-zhon."

Oh! I'm so sorry...

Oliv-ier.

I find it fascinating that as a much-maligned common pigeon, often even referred to as a "rat with wings," that you're capable of distinguishing between artists.

Ah, art! What a wonderful side effect of existence!

Of course! But, any specific pieces you can't wait to talk about?

Ehh! I find all human artperfunctory.

[Mother Nature] Really? The Mona Lisa?

Liberty Leading the People?

La Grande Odalisque?

[Olivier] Perfunctory, perfunctory... eh, satisfactory.

Is there any art you do like?

Andy Warhol had some good stuff.

Yes, eez okay.

A spilled can of soup, rotting banana on the ground, the one where he eats a burger.

So, you only like art with food in it?

I am a filthy, hungry pee-zhon.

Pretentious pigeon!

Um, what's that on the ground behind you?

A Jackson Pollack?

Non, that's just le pee-zhon's poop.

[dramatic music]

While koala bears might be one of the more recognizable creatures in the Australian outback, there's a lot of things about these little guys that most people don't know.

One thing I do know, is there's never enough podcasts in the world.

♪ Marsupial mysteries ♪

[male] The podcast.

[female] Hey, everybody, I'm Shalla Enpeeyar.

We have a super-perplexing case today, and here to help me sort out the mayhem, is our very own Reef Morrison.

[Reef] So good to be back?

[Shalla] I dunno, Reef, you tell me.

[Reef] What strange things do koala bears and humans have in common?

[Shalla] Pouches?

[Reef] Good guess, but it's fingerprints. That's right, Reef.

In fact, our fingerprints are so close to koala bears, that sometimes forensic specialists can't rule out that a suspect isn't a koala bear at the scene of a crime.

[police siren] [Reef] What crime?

Koala bear-king and entering?

[Shalla laughing] Oh, Reef...

Scientists think that koalas evolved to have these intricate fingerprints from having to grab for food high up in trees, but they can't be sure.

[Reef] I can't quite put my finger on it, but it seems like the investigators aren't koala-fied?

[Shalla laughing hysterically] [Reef laughing]

Oh, Miss Enpeeyar!

[Shalla] Ah, we still have fun.

[human beatbox]

[human beatbox ends]

[applause]

[impresario] Ladies and gentlemen, once again:

- The Dung Beetles! [screams]

♪ Here's a story 'bout a bug you know... ♪

[music slows down]

[British rockumentary VO] It was like nothing the world had ever smelled before.

The Fecal Four.

Rollie, Dwellie, Tunnel-Boy, and Stinko.

Wait. Who's Stinko?

Dung beetles only live three years, but that didn't stop 'em from releasing four seminal records, which influenced countless other major artists.

Which album is my favorite?

Probably Rubber Stool.

Maybe Abbey Load?

No, no, no, no. The Brown Album.

The Brown Album, ladies and gentlemen! [chuckles]

[rockumentary VO] And if you listen to "Revolution Number Two" backwards, you'll 'ear, "We're the strongest animals in the world relative to our size."

They can actually lift up to a thousand times their body weight.

Let's see the Eagles do that!

In particular, the reminiscence of the vicissitudes eh, make a corn muffin for the strawberry alarm clock.

But it weren't all dung n' roses for the band.

[John Lennon voice] I'm not saying we're bigger or even better thanmosquitoes...

[rockumentary VO] But definitely... tastier.

There's a lotta low moments in music history.

None of them was worse than the day Tunnel-Boy was devoured by a fennec fox.

[Liverpudlian accent] Oh, no.

You, my friend, just ate... a legend.

Of course, by then, Rollie's girlfriend had already broken up the band.

So...

[in Japanese]

[Dung Beetles song] - There's no denying that The Dung Beetles will continue to be the biggest name in music history, long after their last dookie ball is rolled.

[human beatbox]

[country guitar]

[Mother Nature] Well, that's that! For now, anyway.

Good times, am I right?

I proved that being different, whether you look absurd...

[male] Pretty strange!

...sound absurd...

[rapid hooting]

...or just are absurd...

[Fantastic Tam] Peekaboo!

...is incontrovertibly awesome!

Trust me, my babies know they're special.

Be sure you treat 'em that way, so I can keep showing you more of their antics.

You feel me?

This was just the tip of the iceberg.

[eel] Byyye!

We're all in it together, trying to live our very best lives, surviving...

[male] Ah! Speak for yourself!

...and thriving.

[together] Foam party!

- Here... [male] I can't wait to hang again.

...on our... absurd planet.

♪ This is our swan song ♪

[fart]

- ♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪ [Randall] Pangolin don't care.

- ♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪ Ooh!

- ♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪ They don't care.

- ♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪ Crabs are gross!

- ♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪ Don't care.

- ♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪ Nasty!

- ♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪ Don't care!

- ♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪ What the...?

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪