Absurd Planet S1E2 Script

Raging Waters (2020)

[enchanting music]

[gulls squawking] - Robert Frost once said, "Good fences make good neighbors."

But I once said:

"You can't put fences in the ocean, Bobby!

It's way too big!"

Yes, sir.

Those big wet spots cover over 70 percent of the Earth's surface, and... not to brag, its briny, amniotic "kerploppiness" was only where all of life began! [chuckles smugly]

And when you have millions of mind-blowing species thriving in this barrio, you're bound to end up seeing some love, war... and killer block parties.

[vinyl record scratching]

[urban music]

So, let's take a dive into the saltiest neighborhoods on my...

Absurd Planet!

[soul music]

After any rager worth its salt, comes a time to clean up the mess, and it often feels like these oceans of mine can be an utter pigsty.

Was I tired of constantly having to clean the ocean floor?

I was!

Did I spend all day picking up after schools of messy fish?

I did!

So, have I got the perfect product for me!

[salesman] Introducing the euselenops luniceps, and his team of sea slug vacuum cleaners.

Nature's Roomba!

[psychedelic music]

This bottom dweller picks up bits of food, algae, and debris off the ocean floor, so you can get back to work.

[Mother Nature] Fabulous!

[salesman] And since it's an invertebrate, it can get to those hard-to-reach areas of the reef.

[Mother Nature] Does it ever stop sucking?

[salesman] Never!

This thing will literally suck until it dies, and since it's equipped with stinging cells and a decidedly offensive odor...

[sea slug] I suck and I stink.

...predators usually keep their distance, so your sea slug is guaranteed to last.

[Mother Nature] Well, I'm sold!

[salesman] But wait, there's more!

It's even got a self-cleaning feature.

This sea slug filters out excess waste by shooting it right out of a tiny hole on its bottom!

[lawyer] The euselenops luniceps is not responsible if your vacuum picks up debris then poops it back out making a dirtier and grosser than before.

Legal jargon gobbledygook.

[salesman] And for those super-hard-to-reach places, I'll throw in a bluestreak cleaner wrasse, completely free!

But only if you order now!

Did you order?

[Mother Nature] Yeah!

Restraining order.

[salesman] Terrific!

[tropical music]

[Mother Nature] As the sun sets off the coast of Mexico, and all the little fingerlings go off to bed, under this tranquil cover of darkness, the oceans truly come alive.

Bioluminescence is the production and emission of light by a creature.

They do this to attract mates, and to see prey better at night.

Ultimately, these natural glow sticks put on quite the show after hours.

[electronic dance music]

♪ Bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bioluminescence ♪

[distorted female voice] The comb jelly is a species at least 500 million years old.

♪ Bioluminescence ♪

Sea butterfly.

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪ Some animals use luminescence as a defense mechanism to startle predators.

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪ Feel the light.

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bioluminescence ♪

[electronic dance music continues]

Ready... set... glow!

[music intensifies]

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bio-bio-bio-bio-bioluminescence ♪

♪ Bioluminescence ♪

[gulls squawking]

[Mother Nature] Strap on your water wings, it's about to get choppy.

Down on the floor of the Pacific, an adorable seahorse takes a stroll along a serene sandy boulevard.

And... [shrieks] Oh, Nelly!

He just got got, right? Ooh.

That happened so fast, even I missed it.

Let's see that again.

[voice rewinding]

Everyone knows the flounder is a bottom dweller, so you'd think the seahorse would be on the lookout.

[seahorse] Ooh!

So I ask unto you, will this wee fella escape the peckish flat flounder?

Hate to leave you hanging, but hold onto your seahorses, and we'll all find out... in a bit.

[tropical drums]

Let's backstroke over to the friendlier waters of the Australian reef, where everything is warmer.

[Aussie man] The shrimp on the barbie.

The barbie on the shrimp.

[Barbie] This makes no sense!

[Mother Nature] Even the hospitality, thanks to a little thing called symbiosis, where two creatures develop a mutual understanding.

In other words...

[turtle] You scratch my back, I won't eat your family.

[fishes] Yay!

A squid pro quo, if you will.

[chirpy music]

Sea anemones are predatory marine animals that contain a highly lethal poison in their wavy and deceptively safe-looking arms.

Conveniently, clownfish are immune to the poisonous tentacles of the anemone.

[clownfish] The anemone of my enemy, is my friend.

Which works out well for both Nemo, and the sea pillow of death.

The anemone provides the striped swimmer protection from the neighborhood bullies.

[clownfish] Hey, buddy, back it up. I'm sitting in poison here.

And in exchange, the clownfish eats parasites, bacteria, and scraps of food from in and around the anemone.

Fren-enemies... for life!

Meanwhile, around the block, another friends-with-benefits relationship is in full bloom.

[funk rock music]

This is an urchin crab, giving free piggyback rides to a fire sea urchin.

Part jaws-of-death avoidance, part ride-share, - part royal wedding hat. [royal bugling]

[Queen impersonation] One is quite amused.

[funky music continues]

The crustacean provides the fire sea urchin with crosstown transportation, and... yummy leftovers.

[sea urchin chuckles and chomps]

And this thorny companion protects the decapod from any number of predators that might be looking to turn Sebastian the Crab into an all-you-can-eat scuttling smorgasbord.

[sea urchin] Thank you! [Sebastian] No, thank you.

[African music]

There's a novel method by which you people categorize groups of the same animals.

For example, a school of fish, or a bed of clams.


But there's also some absurdly bizarre collective names.

[medieval music]

They're all compiled in the medieval book of Saint Albans, which discusses such random but wicked cool matters.

A group of jellyfish is called... a smack.

A smack of jellyfish.

Whereas a group of nu metal rockers is called... a Godsmack.

[nu metal music]

[medieval music]

A group of stingrays is called a fever.

A fever of stingrays.

Whereas, a group of out-of-shape men admiring a Stingray is called a... midlife crisis.

[cheesy music]

[medieval music]

[dolphins bleat] - A group of dolphins is called a pod, - and a group of falcons is called a cast. [falcons squawk]

So, that means... when you're watching the Miami Dolphins play the Atlanta Falcons, you're technically watching a pod cast.

[monkey laughs and wheezes]

Don't patronize me, proboscis monkey!

[African music]

Every shoreline community has its version of the beach bum.

One of my favorites are these sandy clams you'll find stretching down the coast from Alaska to Baja.

[Hawaiian guitar music]

Meet my geoduck.

Geoducks bury themselves in the sand for their own protection.

They can live about 150 years.

[sand glugging]

Penny for your thoughts.

Oh! Just like the Bellagio!

[tropical music]

Now, not all of my saltwater dwellers live exclusively in one habitat.

Some are cool enough to live on both land and sea.

In creature terms, that's called amphibious.

[choral music] - In people terms, that's called being a mermaid, and I had nothing to do with those whack jobs.

So, allow me to introduce my most camera-ready amphibians:

The mudskippers.

[Caribbean music]

Let's find out what happens when they stop playing nice, and start getting dirty.

Roll call:

Madeline, the leader.

[Madeline] Hello.

Molly, the flirty one.

[Molly] Hey.

Meredith, the one with the car.

[Meredith] Suck it, nerds!

Meredith 2, the one who can't read.

[Meredith 2] Huh?

Martin, a mudskipper's mudskipper.

[Martin] Ciao.

Melanie, the dead one.

[cicadas chirping]

Muckrinthany, not a real name.

[Muckrinthany] It's pronounced M...

And Mia, the one who's here to stay.

[Mia] Nah, I gotta go.


Looks like all the ladies are gearing up for summertime.

That's mating season, when all the fellas develop these really colorful spots.

[femalemudskipper] Those boys and their spots drive me coconuts!

Most mudskippers can only last a day or two out of the water.

But this one time, Martin was on land for a whole week.

[Martin] Uhh... it was actually seven days, dingus.

Mudskippers can move their eyes independently from each other.

So Martin can see two girls at once.

[Martin] So what? I got a wandering eyes.

Michelle's got privacy issues.

She doesn't let anyone get too close.

Not that anyone wants to.

Meredith is finally going to let Matilda absolutely have it, right after their hot aerial yoga class.

[mudskipper] I'm on TV. Hey, Momma!


All that and more, this season on Mudskipper Mudflat Millennial Mansion.


We're just starting to skim the waters.

The ocean's all-you-can-hunt-and-eat buffet is always open for business.

So... come and get it!

[shark] Guh guh guh...


This monster of the deep is a basking shark...


...and the tiny critters he's hoovering up, they're called krill.

The basking shark is the second largest fish in the ocean, behind whale sharks.

They can grow up to 35 feet, and 8,000 pounds.

Sure, they're not the megalodon, but to put their mouth size in perspective, you could store that old recliner you've been trying to sell inside of there, with Granny still in it.

[Granny] I'm in a basking shark, and I can't get up!

[shark] Gulp!


These gentle, gargantuan-jawed giants have hundreds of small teeth in their cavernous kisser, but unlike most other sharks, they don't use them for feeding.

Instead, basking sharks use their large mouths and highly developed gill breakers to assist in filter feeding as they appear to... maybe you guessed it by their name... bask in the sun near the surface of the ocean.

Guuuuh! - Just don't trust them with your secrets, because they obviously have really big... issues with keeping their mouths shut.

I mean, I got totally burned once...

[shark mocking] Mother Nature has a tattoo of Weird Al. Guh!

...by a basking shark.

A famous philosopher named Anonymous once said, "What goes around, comes around."

That's called karma, baby.

And there's no better joy than watching it play out in the Gulf of Mexico.

[sprightly classical music]

Once upon a time, there lived a little baby frogfish.

And one day, two evil regal demoiselle fish started to bully the frogfish, by sticking their butts in his face.

They said, "I hope you like the smell of fish tushies."

And the frogfish said, "Please, please, I'm just a baby!"

But, the frogfish trained very hard at hunting and killing other fish.

Little did those pesky regals know, that of all predators in the animal kingdom,

the frogfish has the fastest strike speed of all.

[frogfish gulping] Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-raa!

Their attack maneuver is sometimes referred to as gulp-killing.


A frogfish can expand its mouth at speeds reported to be as fast...

[gulp] - ...as 1/6000 of a second.

The frogfish got bigger, - and he was very patient... [yawns]

...and he waited for the right time to eat those other fish whole.


Make no mistake.

Those regal fish won't be acting so high-and-mighty anymore.

And the moral of the story:

You should be nice to everyone.

And don't shove your rear end in anyone's face.

Aw! Not a dry eye in the ocean.

[frogfish] Gulp! Ra-ra-ra-rah! Sexy!

[suspenseful music]

Hmm, I wonder whatever happened to that seahorse the flounder was about to turn into reef jerky.

Here it comes...

[anxiously] Oh, my gosh...

[screams] Doh!

[seahorse] Stupid flounder.

[triumphant music]

Ride on, buckin' bronco!

- You're back in the saddle again! [seahorse] I'm getting too old for this...

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yoooouu ♪

♪ Pah! ♪