Absurd Planet S1E4 Script

Mate Expectations (2020)

[rousing music]

Life! Am I right?

You're conceived, you grow, you love...

[toads] We're in love! Yay!

You spread out some babies, you work your tail off gathering what you need...

[otter] I'm gonna eat your face!

...like food and shelter...

[bird] Home, sweet upside-down home.

...and then one day, you know, you croak.

[toad] I will eventually die! Yay!

It's all quite natural.

The constant changes within the cycle of life are a reality you, and my spectacular animal creations, all must embrace.

[squeaking]

The very price of existence.

[baboon] Oh, wow! That's heavy, man.

Here, on our...

[music climaxes]

Absurd Planet!

[piano music]

[insects chirping]

We begin at the beginning:

[plop] birth.

[plop]

Okay, that was gross.

At least 750,000 of my critters have developed their own peculiar method of reproducing under the sea.

[country and western music]

[excitedly] It's Labor Day at Sea Horse Ranch as this pregnant pony delivers an inconceivable number of babies.

[seahorse] Hey! They got a deal on seaBay.

How many strollers we need?

[country music continues]

[auctioneer chanting]

The seahorse carries the babies from nine to 45 days, until the brand-spanking-new pups emerge by the veritable truckload.

[gunshot]

A seahorse can birth as many as 1,500 young-uns at one time.

They're equipped with a baby blaster that can fire out foals faster than a t-shirt cannon at a Lubbock, Texas demolition derby.

But here's something that's nuttier than a five-pound fruitcake:

It's the male seahorse that squirts out all them critters.

[male seahorse] Yup!

While having a special heart-shaped hug with my boo, she'll deposit the brood-to-be into me.

I then carry them to term, while she preserves her energy to crank out our next batch of little nippers.

[female seahorse] Oh, Beauford!

Test came back, you're preggers again!

Well, there goes bikini season.

[music ends]

Moving even closer to the surface, we find the largest bony fish getting ready to play house.

[reggae music]

[news anchor] Mola mola, the star of a popular Japanese video game, was caught sunbathing today off the coast of Hawaii.

Fans were shocked to see photos of her with what appears to be a baby bump!

Mola mola, AKA "Sunfish," refused to comment on her swollen tummy. but fame has definitely gone to her preposterous ten-foot wide boogie board of a head.

[diver] Is it true you're dating John Mayer?

Inside sources tell us that the alleged tummy full of toddlers may be hiding up to 300 million eggs!

Holy mola mola!

[human baby crying]

That house is gonna be fuller fuller!

[Mother Nature, sarcastically] Fantastic journalism, SeaMZ.

While most sea life dwells near the surface, some of my kiddos are homebodies that prefer to skim the ocean floor about 300 feet deep.

[lively music]

This a giant Pacific octopus.

[octopus panting] - She has but a single goal in life: to pop out a solitary healthy litter of babies.

[octopus breathes like woman in labor]

Girl, can you breathe in the other direction for a second?

[octopus] Sorry!

Yup, these octo-mom's never mate again.

Truly a one-life stand.

I know what you're thinking.

Nope, those aren't Pinot Grigio grapes, they're octopus eggs.

Once fertilized, she lays as many as 200,000 of them, then makes it her life's mission to ensure no other animal gets anywhere near them.

But here's where it gets ludicrous...

During the month-long process in which she protects her eggs, she literally starves herself.

[octopus] Dressing on the side, please.

In lieu of eating, she gently wafts currents over her brood...

[octopus] Waft, waft, waft, waft waft, waft, waft.

...so they receive a constant supply of fresh, oxygenated water.

Now, here's the even "ludicrouser" part...

Mother octopuses have been known to eat their own arms... to stay alive.

[octopus] They say kids cost an arm and a leg but this is ridiculous!

[baby octopus] Uh! Uh!

[plop]

[mother octopus] Ahh!

Sadly, as her baby octopuses are just beginning their lives, Mom may be losing hers.

Due to exhaustion, she's no match for predators... lurking above.

And where's the father during all this?

Probably betting on football, and asking his college buddies to pull his tentacle.

[fart]

[fart]

Back on shore, in Australia, these tiny little critters should live 20 to 30 years.

But sometimes a life cycle is stopped in its tracks.

Hmm! This isn't really what I had in mind for these guys.

[French music]

Yup, those little gifts this extremely pregnant Christmas Island crab is munching like caramel corn are actually newborn crabs.

Not hers, mind you.

She's not a monster!

She's no Carol Brady either, but I mean, she is eating the whole bunch.

Those tasty little treats just survived a month-long migration at sea, and were headed back to the jungle when they unknowingly became the hors d'oeuvres at an all-you-can-eat crab fest.

What can I say?

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

[insects buzzing] - It's also a bug-eat-bug world...

[croaking] - a frog-eat-frog world, and sometimes a Jimmy Eat World world.

[Jimmy Eat World playing rock music]

[birds chirping]

On the other side of the planet, in South America,

these semi-aquatic furry creatures live about ten years, and take a more low-key approach to children, in that... they don't eat them.

[capybara speaking softly] I... am a capybara.

I... am the largest rodent in the world.

Capybaras can have, like, up to eight babies at once.

One...

Two...

Three...

That's too many.

Sometimes... humans... confuse... a capybara... for a guinea pig.

Wait.

Can a pig... pull a hammy?

[energetic music]

[cat growls]

As an animal grows, it finds out pretty quickly where it stands on the food chain.

Or in this case, where it runs.

Look, I just create 'em.

Ultimately, they gotta fend for themselves.

[music stops]

Will this little runaway goat make it all the way home?

Find out in a smidge!

I love a good cliffhanger.

[cat growls]

Competition is an integral part of survival.

These subterranean babies of mine battle their way through the maze of adulthood... not only to defend themselves, but to protect their youths.

You know, the young, in the family.

[accordion music]

[Italian-American man] Hey... he's a naked mole-rat, okay?

Watch it eats.

[mole-rat] Num num num num num num num num num num num...

You know, they say never rat on your friends, always keep your mouth shut.

[mole-rat] Num num num num num num.

Hey, you see these guys?

They can't even see.

They don't need glasses, they're blind.

One day, some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home.

You know why?

It was out of respect for the queen, huh?

The queen isn't born the queen.

She's just a regular broad, who clawed her way up to the top.

Look, she has all the babies, you see?

This how you treat a queen?

Naked mole-rats, you like 'em, I like 'em.

I'm gonna go dig a tunnel, dig a tunnel, dig a tunnel.

It's a naked mole-rat, okay?

[Italian-American woman] Leave the rat. Take the cannoli.

[Mother Nature] Above ground these flying jerks in the deserts of the Southwest get a bit more vicious.

[dramatic music]

This winged horror show is a tarantula hawk wasp.

[blood-curdling scream]

So named, because it puts a beat down on tarantulas, and turns them into food.

[blood-curdling scream]

[dramatic music]

Not for itself, mind you, but to nourish its offspring.

When one encounters a tarantula, it approaches cautiously, on account of the spider's terrifying fangs.

Inevitably, the wasp gets under the tarantula, and flips it onto its back, then plunges its stinger into the now-whooped arachnid's belly.

[blood-curdling scream]

[English accent] What a jerk!

The tarantula is instantly paralyzed,

which allows the wasp to drag it into its burrow.

[wasp] Dude, get in the hole already.

You're killin' me.

The wasp then lays an egg on the tarantula, sealing the doomed spider within.

[blood-curdling scream]

[Latin American woman] Qué feo!

[dramatic music continues]

[Mother Nature] When the egg hatches into a larva, it devours the spider. chowing on it... alive!

And this... can take weeks.

[blood-curdling scream]

[lots of voices] What a jerk!

[Jewish man] Gottenyu.

[old radio beeping]

[male announcer] The following is an announcement of the absurd alert emergency system.

If you are an insect or small frog in Madagascar, or the South Asian metropolitan area, please pay attention to this message.

The deadly pitcher plant has modified leaves known as pitfall traps.

This plant will attract innocent insects with sweet nectar, but it's a trick.

The edge of their traps are very slippery and will cause insects to fall inside, where you will die to death.

It's really disgusting.

Remember: keep crawling, don't fall in.

Thank you.

[radio beeps]

[birds twittering]

[Mother Nature] Some deaths mean others may now be born.

But... across the jungle, and in almost every corner of the world, 700 different species of river-dwelling mayfly are searching for their purpose in life, just with a significantly shorter period of time to find it.

[chirpy music]

Mayflies are born, they live, and they die, in just one single day.

They don't even have mouths, cause they don't spend enough time on Earth to eat anything.

Their only purpose in life is to reproduce.

And once they complete that mission, they drop dead.

It's enough to make you wanna sing a sad song.

Right, Petey?

[strums folk guitar]

Hey folks, gather round.

I am a wise old mayfly, 1,200 minutes old.

Can I borrow twenty bucks?

I'll pay you back tomorrow. [laughs]

That's an old mayfly joke.

I'll be dead tomorrow.

And this is my farewell song.

Don't shed a tear for me ♪

♪ I lived a full life ♪

♪ I had 8,000 babies with one wife ♪

♪ I'm just an old mayfly

My cousin He only lived a few hours ♪

At least I got to smell a few flowers ♪

And I landed on a smelly cow pie ♪

Mayflies, then dies ♪

After just one glorious day ♪

♪ Mayflies ♪

♪ Then dies ♪

Did you guys hear about my wife?

She's dead to me. [laughs] [rimshot sounds]

Ah, don't feel bad for her, she could be a real Venus flytrap sometimes! Ha ha!

I should wrap things up, I'm dying up here!

[singing] Mayflies, then dies After just one glorious day Mayflies Then they... die

[speaking] Hey man, your fly's down.

[rimshot]

[life support machine beeps]

[long beep]

[bugle call] [Mother Nature] Come on, let's pour one out for Petey.

[dramatic music]

So, sure... most animals can expect to live longer than one day, but even that can be a dicey proposition.

Remember that crazy chase?

[cat growling]

And the cycle of life goes on!

And the meaning of life?

Ha, well, it's a little...

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the jumping stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like you ♪ Pah!