Absurd Planet S1E5 Script

H2w0ah (2020)

[electronic bleep]

[NASA-style VO] Octo-8 Aquatic Craft, we have ink-nition sequence, in three... two... one...

We have inkjets, and we are a go!

Suction off, we have separation, go, go!

[chirpy classical music]

[Mother Nature] Every aquatic creature has a talent that contributes to Earth's ongoing variety show.

[fish] Gotta get over there. I gotta get over there.

And ratings are a-booming!

[hippos grunting]

Perhaps it's working with their pincers, fins...

[African percussion]

[chirpy classical music] - ...or sandy butts.

Maybe they've always been their class, or genus, clown.

[clown horn honks]

[female otter] Uh-huh, I'm tumbling, I'm tumbling. Hee-hee!

[Mother Nature] To that end, I wanted to shine the Klieg lights on some of my aquatic stars.

[music intensifies]

Welcome to Mother Nature's Wet 'N' Wild, Smashing and Splashing, - Amazing and Absurd... [croaks]

Bizarre and Beautiful, Traveling Talent Extravaganza!

Working title only.

[dramatic classical music]

Please, silence your cell phones.

And children.

We're about to plunge into some very weird water...

[roars]

...on my...

Absurd Planet!

[Hawaiian music]

Part of knowing your place up on the world stage, and specifically around the reef, is feeling at ease in your own skin.

Or, in this case, "exoskeleton."

[drum roll] - And so, once again, here today, gone today, your MC who will soon be DOA...

- Petey the Mayfly! [entrance music]

[hearty applause]

Ho-ho, right!

I just flew in, and boy, is everybody dead.

[canned laughter]

Hwah! [laughing] All right, now, bringing up to the stage, a very funny stand-up crustacean...

Zebra Crab!

[entrance music] [applause]

Thank you! You're too kind!

So, uh, this is my first stand-up set.

I'm really coming out of my shell by being here.

I'm usually such a hermit.

I could use a little "kelp" up here, huh? "Kelp?"

[fish yawning] Kelp? [laughing] Okay...

So, a little bit about me, I'm a zebra crab.

Obviously, right, because I have these black-and-white stripes.

[laughing] You know, like... Like a zebra!

'Kay?

But I've got major beef with that logic.

You see, we crabs have been scuttling around Earth for like, what, 150 million years?

Wh-what's the deal with those land-based zebras?

They've only been around for, like, what?

[mocking] A measly four million years.

So why am I called the zebra crab, if I were here first?

Let's call them something else, like, uh, "horsetaceans," or "clawless gallop-spiders!"

Or, "crabracadabras"!

Right? Am I right? [audience booing and hissing]

Cringe!

You suck, is what he means. Shoulda called ya the zebra "drab."

Who brought this guy?

[coughs]

Ha. Thank you.

Four million years, I mean, I have girlfriends older than that.

Like anyone would date you.

Okay, who invited my wife, huh?

[laughing] [audience booing]

[male] Not funny!

[female] Get outta here!

[booing and hissing]

[exit music]

[male] Boo!

[Mother Nature] Uff! Tough reef.

Wanna know what else can be soul-sucking?

Having flatmates.

One time, I let Poseidon move in. [sarcastic laugh]

What a pack rat!

Fish guts and shipwrecks everywhere!

Point is, it's always better when roomies can somehow find common ground.

[fragile voice] Hi.

Hi.

- A perfect example of this in the deep... Hi.

- ...a "squid pro quo," if you will... Hi.Hi.

...is the Moray eel

- and his live-in housekeeper... Hi.

...the cleaner shrimp.

[sprightly music] [eel] Ohhhh.

[pleasurably] Oooooooo.

Haaaaaaaaa.

Haaaaaa.

- Eels are predatory creatures... Haa...

- ...with diets rich in crustaceans. Aaaaaaaaaa...

Yet, remarkably...

Ooh!

...they show zero interest in eating the cleaner shrimp...

Hi.

...even going so far as allowing them to kick it in their mouth.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

The shrimp returns the symbiotic favor by cleaning the gills and teeth of the eel

- which rids it of parasites and bacteria. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

[muffled] So I have this piece of seahorse Parmesan stuck in my molar.

[shrimp] Open wide!

[eel talks unintelligibly]

Oh, you got it!

The eel stays squeaky clean, and the shrimp gets the oceanic equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Ahhhhhhh!

Ay! When you're eel, you're family.

[eel 1] Hey, my turn! [eel 2] Me next!

[eel 3] My turn! [eel 4] Hey! Over here!

[eel] Hiiii. [shrimp] Gonna feel a little pinch...

[eel talks unintelligibly]

Hiiiii...

Hiiiiiii...

[Mother Nature] Okay, wait! You're gonna love this!

[quirky pop music]

Ah!

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

You got catfished! Ha!

Get it? Catfished? Hoo!

I'm hilarious.

Have you ever noticed those with the most extraordinary talents on stage are often the shyest in public?

[fish] Guilty as chaaarged.

What in the world are you guys hiding from?

So, let's play a game.

There's a camouflaged critter chillin' amidst the coral.

You've got five seconds to find it.

Five...

Four...

One! Time's up!

Here it is! It's called a pygmy seahorse.

[male VO] Pygmy.

[Mother Nature] And just like university graduates trying to find themselves, these two-centimeter long midgies hide out in the tropical oceans of Southeast Asia.

Okay, better grab your Warby Parkers and eat your carrots for this next one.

[female] Marco!

[male] Coral!

[Mother Nature] Ooh, there it is!

[buzzer]

Oh. Even I got that wrong.

[seahorses giggling]

These things are harder to find than a parking space at a BTS concert.

[bugle wake-up call]

[seahorse] Yee-ha! Woo-hoo!

Pygmy seahorses are super fast, too.

They can move up to 500 body lengths per second.

To put that in perspective, the Usain Bolt of land species, the cheetah, can only run 30 body lengths per second.

[growls]

[cheetah] Hey, I'm going as fast as I can. [snarls]

[lively music]

[female seahorse] I can't even find myself!

When I get lazy, I tend to pump out the same creatures over and over again, with only embarrassingly slight modifications.

Take shrimp, for example.

[hillbilly harmonica] [Mother Nature clears throat]

Anyway, like I was sayin'... shrimp is the fruit of the sea.

[music gets lively] - There's skeleton shrimp, dancing shrimp, Donald Duck shrimp, green spearing shrimp, tall blade shrimp, emperor shrimp, Coleman shrimp, [fades out] saw-blade shrimp...

[rousing music]

Our next act calls the coastal waters of England and Ireland his home.

We are about to fly you there non-stop, on Zenned-Out Airlines.

[softly] No baggage allowed.

[slow new age music]

[male voice] I... am a razor... fish.

I spend most of my time... hanging around...

vertically.

I do this... to "camouflooge."

So predators... don't murder me... and my razor pals.

Alive... is... gooood.

Insight deeper than the Marianas Trench.

My next aquatic idol will have you feeling even more effervescent.

[psychedelic pop music]

[spoken lyrics] Under the depths of the ocean, lies a tremendous mollusk known commonly as the giant clam.

Their mantle's a mixture of yellow, red, green, blue and pink.

No two giant clams are the same.

They are all wonderfully unique.

Even though you can't grammatically qualify "unique," you know what I mean?

♪ Giant clams in the ocean ♪

♪ They look beautiful when they open ♪

♪ Giant clams ♪

♪ Here's a diagram, so scientific ♪

♪ They live under the South Pacific ♪

♪ Giant clams ♪

[spoken lyrics] Giant clams can live to be 100 years old, but can never fully close their shells.

There has never been a recorded case of a giant clam eating a scuba diver.

♪ Giant clams, in the ocean ♪

♪ They look beautiful when they open ♪

♪ Giant clams ♪

♪ Giant clams ♪

♪ Here's a diagram again ♪

[Mother Nature] Ooh, stunning!

I'll never look at a giant clam the same way.

[African drumming]

From a clam jam, to some very busy beavers.

Salty, to something oh-so-sweet!

And also a wee, wee bit gross.

That'll make sense in a second.

This is an old industrial film I made on the subject of resourcefulness.

It needs some updating, sure, but the message holds true.

[big band music]

[British anchor] Welcome to another edition of The Daily Poop!

These are the beavers of Europe and North America!

These animals secrete a yellowish substance known as castoreum, from their castor sacs.

[big band music continues]

Beavers blend castoreum with their urine, as a way to mark their territory.

However, castoreum extract is also listed by the United States Food and Drug Administration as a safe food additive.

No doubt castoreum is more commonly known to you, mom-and-pop consumer, by the term "natural flavoring."

Currently starring on a list of your favorite ingredients.

That oh-so-refreshing vanilla or raspberry ice cream you are about to scoop into that glass of icy-cool root beer, may all contain juice of the beaver.

And at $60 a pound, castoreum might just make you say...

[Mother Nature] Damn, beaver!

[disclaimer] Castoreum's rarely used in food items anymore, it's mostly used in perfumes but wasn't this fun?

[Mother Nature] Let's check back in on that divey sandbar open-mic under the sea!

Once again...

[entrance music] - Petey Junior, Junior, Junior...

- Junior, Junior, Junior... Junio, Junior, Junior...

Junior, Junior, Jun... They get it! Mayflies die a lot!

Now, bringing up to the stage, the sarcastic fringehead fish!

Oh, my gosh, she is hilarious.

[entrance music]

Um... Thank you?

It's so nice to be here.

Growing up with the name "Sarcastic Fringehead" was so awesome, you guys.

It really made for a stellar childhood.

No issues here. Nope.

I'm a very small, but very hardy saltwater fish.

I live in the Pacific, in the waters between San Fran and Baja, to be more "Pacific."

[fish laughs hysterically, wheezes]

I'm still working these jokes out, nerds.

I have a giant mouth, and I'm overly aggressive and territorial.

Roar!

So, obviously, guys think I'm the catch of the day.

Roar...

I literally have the biggest pie hole ever.

Roar! Roar!

And when I get into a territorial battle with another sarcastic fringehead...

Roar!

...which is, like, all the time. [tense music]

We both open our mouths as wide as we can go and then we get face-to-face.

Roar! Roar!

It almost looks like we're kissing...

Roar. Roar!

...But, gross! We're so... not!

Roar. Roar.

We're just trying to figure out who's bigger.

Roar. Roar!

Bigger wins the territorial battle. Roar.

My friends call me Terry-Tori Spelling.

[music climaxes]

Roar! Roar!

Sarcastic Fringehead, out!

[booing] [male] Get off the sea floor!

Work on your jokes! W-w-w-w-woo.

Amateur hour.

Hiiii.

Hi.

[gulls squawking]

[Mother Nature] A few miles away, a brawl is breaking out between two Pacific Ocean rival talents.

Sometimes your greatest opportunity to win a skirmish is something completely unforeseen.

[dramatic music]

[spectator applause]

[commentator] We're comin' to you live from Madison Square Octopus's Garden, where a battle is being waged between a crab and an octopus!

[dramatic music continues]

They're feeling each other out.

He's got the crab up against the reef.

[spectators shriek]

Oh, that crab has gotta get his pincers up!

Oh, this octopus is relentless!

And with his eight arms of terror, he definitely has the reach advantage.

Oh, a facial from the cephalopod!

Oh, and another!

[fight bell dings]

And like Zack Morris, that crab was just saved by the bell.

We'll be back with round five of the Commotion in the Ocean, right after this.

[sprightly music]

[Mother Nature] Ahem. As I was sayin'... giant tiger shrimp, dragon shrimp, boxer shrimp, dancing hunchback shrimp, mantis shrimp, banded coral sh...

Australian ghost shrimp, spotted cleaner shrimp, freshwater shrimp, Indian shrimp Hoo! That's a lotta shrimp!

[dramatic music] [applause]

[commentator] Hi, we're back with round five of the Commotion in the Ocean!

[fight bell dings]

Well the octopus now utilizing all eight of his limbs to great effect.

Oh! There's three rights, and a left, all at the same time!

Right, let's go down to the scorer's table.

Whaddya got, Harold?

[Harold] I don't know, it's a crab fighting an octopus.

[commentator] Thanks, Harold.

Oh, and the cephalopod just pummeling the crustacean.

[dramatic music continues]

Oh, and this crab is definitely wobbly.

Looks to be out on his claws.

The way this is going, the crab may not see the end of round five.

- Whoa! [applause]

Down goes the octopus! Down goes the octopus!

[applause and cheering]

I can't believe what I just saw!

There's chaos down there!

I can't even see anymore!

Let's take another look.

From the left side of your screen, what appears to be a leopard seal devours the nearly victorious octopus.

And on the right side of your screen, just check out the crab, no doubt enjoying the show.

[male crab] Yo, "crust-Adrian"!

[applause]

[commentator] Do you believe in barnacles?

Yes!

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪