Absurd Planet S1E6 Script

Extremeliest (2020)

[raunchy rock music]

When I create creatures, I take it to the max!

Some of them qualify to be part of my limited edition "E-S-T" society.

My fast-est, - my strong-est... [beats chest]

...my pretti-est, old-est, ugli-est, smelli-est, deadli-est...

[chuckles] You get the gist.

Yep.

For the most part, being extreme is all about survival.

So, crack open an ice-cold can of Diet Adrenaline...

[male VO] Drink it if you wanna live!

[Mother Nature] And get ready for the most-est, extremeli-est, creatures... est, on my...

Absurd Planet!

[whimsical music]

You're just not a respectable deity unless you helm a successful superhero franchise.

A coalition to help counteract all of the world's ills.

I've compiled a ragtag team of my most extreme creatures who, in the end, might just save us all.

[stirring music]

With great-est energy, comes great responsibility.

[male VO] Extreme creatures!

[dramatic music]

[Mother Nature] This is the bombardier beetle.

It's most known for its super high-tech defense mechanism.

If anyone messes with it, this little critter ejects a hot, noxious chemical spray from its stomach, - replete with a loud... [loud pop]

...popping noise.

[mafia voice] Say hello to my little phlegm. [loud pop]

[critter] Ow.

[Mother Nature] Eat molten goo, villains!

[male VO] Extreme creatures!

[church organ music]

[Mother Nature] Behold, the Jesus Christ lizard!

This little green lantern got his name for his ability to perform miracles.

Just like the Big Guy himself.

[soaring classical music]

No, he can't turn water into an unctuous buttery Chardonnay...

[cork pops] - ...although that would be très bon.

I should've made at least one creature with the power of craft wine fermentation.

But I did make Jesus Christ lizards, with very large hind feet, that allow them to actually run across the surface of the water.

Trouble in the middle of the lake?

No problem.

Here comes the Jesus Christ lizard, savior to all who believe.

[quirky classicalmusic]

- Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. [engine revs]

Your boat engine, that is, because we're heading to the deep waters off the coast of Greenland, one of the coldest places on Earth, to meet one of the oldest faces on Earth.

Today, I have the great privilege of interviewing my venerable chum, the elusive Greenland shark.

They enjoy the longest lifespan of any vertebrate, living up to 400 years.

[lively jazz]

How you doing, old buddy?

[shark] Who's that? Is that you, Mother Nature?

I can't see gornisht.

I've been blind since 1865.

[Mother Nature] Oh, that's awful.

Are you comfortable?

[sighs] I make a living...

But, I got blinded by a bunch of copepod crustaceans, wormy little pishers.

[Mother Nature] So, how old are you?

Hmm, let's see...

Turned 403... last March.

Got a Pisces over here!

You smell like a nice brisket.

[Mother Nature] Yeah... So have you ever been married?

Oh, you know it, buddy boy.

Six hundred wives, thousands of kids, but nobody calls.

[phone ringing] Oh, wait a minute.

Hello? 400-year-old shark here.

[electronic voice] This is a recording. You are too old.

- Everyone you love is dead. Goodbye. [phone clicks]

Such a nice boy.

[Mother Nature] Well, I'm almost out of interest, so, thanks for your time.

Huh? The time? 3:40 p.m.

[Mother Nature] Oy vey.

[insects chirruping]

Keeping your entire species from extinction is the natural order, and for certain animals, like lesser anteaters, skunks and pangolins, that requires a natural... odor.

So, plug your nose and open your ears, for Earth's smelliest band of survivors...

Nstynk!

[vapor escaping]

[skunk sniffs]

Do you guys smell that?

[boy band music] [vapor hisses]

[talks over music] Hey, girl.

[vapor hisses]

I been trying to find the words.

[vapor hisses]

There's just something I need to... smell you.

[vapor hisses]

♪ Every time I see you walking by ♪

♪ I can feel my heart jolting Why? ♪

♪ What happens next is outta my hands ♪

♪ I know it's gross But it's just my glands ♪

♪ You're fast and have razor-sharp teeth ♪

♪ My ripe essence comes from underneath ♪

♪ I get funky when I think of you ♪

♪ My love is true but smells pee-yew ♪

♪ It's my nature, Nothing I can do ♪

♪ There's no escaping I'm stinking of you ♪

♪ My heart jumps like a kangaroo ♪

♪ More torn up than a boy named Sue ♪

♪ It's my nature Nothing I can do ♪

♪ There's no escaping I'm stinking of you ♪

[talks over music] Hey, girl.

Now I need you to believe me.

It's not that I, you know, don't shower or something.

My smell is my self-defense.

It's the only way I can protect myself from predators, disease... and a broken heart.

♪ I get funky when I think of you ♪

♪ My love is true but smells pee-yew ♪

♪ It's my nature, nothing I can do ♪

♪ There's no escaping I'm stinking of you ♪

♪ My heart jumps like a kangaroo ♪

♪ More torn up than a boy named Sue ♪

♪ It's my nature Nothing I can do ♪

♪ There's no escaping I'm stinking of you ♪

♪ I'm stinking, I'm stinking, I'm stinking ♪

♪ Girl, I'm stinking of you ♪

[vapor hissing]

[Mother Nature holding nose] Is it over? Are they done?

[normal voice] Woo! Okay, good.

You know what else is refreshing?

The tropical waters off Belize.

Here again, to introduce the largest fish in the sea, please welcome back to the stage, your host-who-will-soon-be-a-ghost, Petey... the... Mayfly!

[entrance music] [applause]

Ha-ha! Yes, thank you.

Let's hear it for the fabulous, omniscient Mona, everyone!

There she is. [applause]

Now, coming to the stage, is a creature with one of the biggest hearts, and gallbladders, and kidneys, and... everything else.

She's a Belize behemoth, and you better "belize" she's as funny as she is monstrous!

[chuckles] Yes, now, give it up for...

Whale shark!

¡Hola, mis amigos!

As you can see, I'm a plus-size gal, and I like being big.

I'm forty-feet long!

Twice the size of a great white shark.

Suck it, Jaws!

[croaks]

I weigh twenty tons.

I'm basically the Hindenburg of the ocean.

[fish] Oh, the humanity!

[fish 2] Ha-ha, now that guy's funny!

But the only thing I kill... is krill.

I have a license to krill!

Come on, laugh at that! Anyone?

[fish yawns]

Some may say I'm a serial... kriller! [giggles]

Ugh. You guys are krillin' me.

Hoo! So, um, I live up to a hundred years.

Show-off! Boo!

Dude, chill!

So, yeah, a hundred years... [fish] Whoa whoa whoa!

...or, as I like to say, 36,000 Peteys. [giggles]

Slander!

Okay, you know what? Drop dead, Petey.

[raspberry sound]

[Mother Nature] Yeah, he just did.

[oriental music]

Did you know, I created over one million species of worm?

[chuckles] Talk about extreme.

One million different worms!

That's because every living creature finds them extremely delicious.

So the species' very survival becomes a numbers game.

Welcome to the weird, wild world of worms.

Travel with me, if you dare.

[sci-fi music]

Through my wondrous, worrisome, wormhole.

Check out this nematode.

Nematodes are tiny, slender worms, that can survive just about anywhere on the planet.

They've adapted to nearly every ecosystem, from seawater to freshwater, from deserts to the polar regions.

There are 57 billion nematodes for every human on earth.

That's...

Math! Math!

Math.

[lively piano music]

[Mother Nature] Next up is the acorn worm.

A huge advocate of pooping sand.

Acorn worms look like slimy intestine... doodads... thingies... with acorn-shaped heads.

Acorn worms suck sand inside their bodies...

[worm] I suck!

...sifting out dead plant matter and animal debris for energy, and then leave behind these piles of filtered discharge in distinctive coils.

Acorn worms have no brains, but they do have some nerve, leaving these icky deposits all hither and yon.

[African-style drumming]

Say "'sup" to the hammerhead flatworm.

[puffin] 'Sup, 'sup, 'sup, 'sup!

[Mother Nature] These guys are an invasive, predatory species.

They eat lots of other wigglers, even earthworms.

To begin the feeding process, the hammerhead projects its throat out of its own mouth.

Yes! Its throat!

And then secretes enzymes to start digesting their tasty meal.

Please, hammer! Don't hurt him.

[African-style drumming]

"Food, food, everywhere but not a drop to eat," is a phrase I just coined, that is, thankfully, not true... yet.

But what is abundantly factual, is how humankind goes to extremes using some of my critters' snack-worthy side hustles.

In this case, to survive their morning commute.

So let's travel eastbound and down.

[big band music]

[anchor] Welcome to another edition of The Daily Poop.

These are the palm civets of Southeast Asia.

They are both terrestrial and tree-dwelling, exhibiting increased activity between late evening and dawn.

They are usually active between 6 p.m. and 4 a.m., being less active during nights when the moon is brightest.

And speaking of trying to stay awake, these animals consume coffee cherries and ferment them during digestion.

They then deposit the coffee beans in their fancy feces, from where they are collected and processed.

"Why?" you say.

Because of the unique enzyme secreted by the civet cat during digestion, heretofore known as Kopi Luwak Coffee.

And at $100 a cup, you better believe it's good to the last dropping!

[big band music ends]

[roar of lava]

[Mother Nature] If you like the first wave of X-creature superheroes, I've forged many more in the fiery pits of Mount Mona.

[male VO] Extreme Creatures!

Part two. ["William Tell Overture"]

[Mother Nature] Rounding out my super troopers is the deadly archerfish, armed with the know-how to shoot water out of its mouth, to knock out unsuspecting insects.

[music intensifies]

- It does this by... [bug] Ahh!

...forming a small groove in the roof of its mouth and then contracting its gills.

Archerfish can nail an insect out of the water up to two meters away, and this sharpshooter generally only needs one shot.

Pop!

Kapow!

- Blammo! [bug] Owww!

So watch your back, baddies, the archerfish may squirt you with a small amount of water, leaving you mildly... damp.

[male VO] Extreme creatures!

[Hawaiian music]

This is the massive coconut crab.

It's the largest land-living arthropod in the world.

The coconut crab gets its name because its claws are so powerful they can crack a coconut shell, - or corn, into pieces. [crunching]

Not sure if a coconut crab turns green when they're angry...

[dramatic music]

...but I certainly see him being useful in a superhero scenario.

[crab] You wouldn't like me when I'm crabby.

[rock music] [Brian] Welcome, bro-mo sapiens!

We were both born on Fridays, and we're the...

Battle Bug Bros!

I'm Brian. And I'm Bhryann.

[Brian] Today we have a battle of epic bro-portions.

Ants vs. termites.

[Bhryann] Not just any ants, bro.

We're talking about the matabele ants from Africa.

Who are these guys, anyway? Thanks for asking, bro.

Like you said, these little dudes are named after the matabeles, an African tribe from, like, the 1800s.

[Bhryann] Hold up, bro, I'm taking notes. That was a mean history lesson.

[Brian] This matabele army of scouts travel in packs of, like, two to 500, but once they find a potential termite nest to attack, get this: they don't!

[Bhryann] Major plot twist. Talk about edging.

[Brian] Ha, that's right!

These little bros turn around and book it back to their nest to get a massive amount of their bromies for backup.

[driving rock music]

When they get all of their attack-ant bros together, then they go right into battle.

[Bhryann] Total ambush surprise attack, David Atten-bro.

[Brian] The ants and termites fight valiantly, like when we fight over waves, or girls... or girls on waves.

[Bhryann] Yo, I told you man.

That's my bad, dude. Never again, bro.

[Brian] Sandeee was my girl, man, but bros forever.

[Bhryann] Bros forever, man.

[Brian] Anyway, once the ants kill a bunch of termites, they carry 'em back to their colony so they can have a righteous feast.

[Bhryann] Straight savages! Do any ants get hurt during this epic battle?

[Brian] Most def!

But the injured ants have learned how to call their bros for help.

[Bhryann] Whoa! No way!

Like, "Ring, ring. Yo, bro, can you come scoop me?

My legs got, like, chewed off by a termite."

[scoffs] I bet they use Cricket Wireless. [crickets chirp]

[Brian] Ha-ha! That was a good one bro. Nice!

Yeah, these little bros then carry their injured comrades back to their colony, where they nurse their ant homies back to health.

They live a pretty normal life, even after losing some of their little ant legs.

[Bhryann] Just like Lieutenant Dan. [aside] I miss you, Sandeee.

[Brian] Hey, not cool, dude! And we were...

[together] The Battle Bug Bros!

[Mother Nature] When you belong to a class as extreme as the arachnids, you have to be pretty incredible to stand out.

I'd toss garden-variety tarantulas, Brazilian wandering spiders, and Goliath bird eaters onto my horrifying spidey Mount Rushmore.

And my fourth choice: a species that has all the trappings of a classic 1950s horror movie monster.

[bloodcurdling scream]

[horror movie trailer VO] Deep in the deserts of the Southwestern United States, comes an underground terror to fill the animal kingdom with... uh... terror!

It brings unforgettable suspense to any insect, frog, or baby bird.

[1950s horror movie music] - What is it?

Where did it come from?

What are these tropical mygalomorphs that lurk below the Earth?

And what do they want on... uh... the above ground?

Trapdoor: The Spider: The Movie.

[light music] [Mother Nature] Alright, hold on there!

They rarely bite people, and their venom isn't even toxic like other, more aggressive, spiders.

[1950s horror movie music]

[horror movie trailer VO] Yes, but wait, that doesn't stop them from bringing unacceptable horror upon any edible nom-noms that cross their path.

[bloodcurdling scream]

[fairground music]

[Mother Nature chuckling] Wait...

Why a Ferris wheel?

[horror movie trailer VO] Trapdoor: The Spider: The Movie.

[bloodcurdling scream]

Just... trust me, it-it's scary.

- [bloodcurdling scream] - [laughs menacingly]

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪