Absurd Planet S1E7 Script

Eat Prey Live (2020)

[birds chirping]

Do you know how many NASA aerospace engineers it took to make this hummingbird fly?

None!

Zippo!

Just one master craftsperson:

Me!

Mother Nature.

I mean, I don't want to belabor the issue, but...

- I singlehandedly invented flying. [quacking]

[jaunty electronic music]

The Wright brothers? [scoffs]

More like the "right sista."

I never had to sweat brainiac stuff like propulsive thrust...

Oi! - ...wing lift, and ballistic movement.

Ha-ha! Child's play.

And so, while you are now free to move about the cabin, I'd advise keeping your tail feathers safely in your seats, because it's time to leave the nest, and take...

[quacking]

...flight...

over my...

Absurd Planet!

[whimsical piano]

There's an old adage that says:

"When you look at nature, nature shows you who you are."

For example, someone may look at a beautiful sunrise, and it may make them very... sad, because it means they have to go back inside their coffins for the day, since they're, you know, vampires.

[male Transylvanian accent] Good morning!

[coffin lid shuts] [snoring]

[Mother Nature] It's quite enlightening what you may learn about yourself when you gaze deeply at nature's splendor.

This curious little bird is called a starling.

It travels in large flocks called murmurations.

Starlings group together like this to make it harder for predatory birds to snatch one of them out of the sky.

And today, I'll be using my assistant, Clive, for a little murmuration experiment... for free.

[Clive, British accent] You said you were going to pay...

[Mother Nature] Shut it, Clive!

And I want all of you at home to sink deeper into your couch or toilet.

I am gonna show you a series of mesmerizing murmurations.

And when I pause them, I want you to tell me what you see.

Your answers will predict your future.

[country guitar] Okay! What do you see, Clive?

[Clive] This looks like a man wearing a beanie.

[bell tings] [Mother Nature] Let me check the chart.

Uh-oh!

Well, that means you're about to get robbed.

[Clive aghast] What? By whom?

[Mother Nature] A man wearing a beanie.

Hmm, this is a curious looking pattern.

What do you see this time, Clive?

[Clive] Uh, I... I kind of see an elephant here.

[bell tings] - [Mother Nature] Uh-oh...

That means you're going to be robbed by a man wearing a beanie, riding an elephant.

[Clive] Oh dear!

Well, that seems unlikely.

[Mother Nature] Anyway, moving on to our final murmuration.

Ah! And will you look at this!

Very interesting.

Okay. What do you see?

[Clive] Uh, I see Elvis Presley holding a microphone, singing "Blue Suede Shoes."

[blues music]

[Mother Nature] Uh-oh.

Okay, well, that means you're definitely gonna get robbed by a man wearing a beanie, riding an elephant, dressed as Elvis, singing "Blue Suede Shoes."

[Clive] Oddly specific.

- I can't imagine that ev... [elephant roar]

Oh, no!

[elephants roar] - I think I hear them coming!

[galloping] - Ow!

- Ooh! Bad boys! [thwacks]

[elephants roar, galloping] - Give me back my bum bag, you beanie-wearing, elephant-riding Elvis!

[Elvis impersonator] Thank you, Clive. Thank you very much.

[blues music outro]

[string music] [bird squawks]

[Mother Nature] Did you know there are roughly 10,000 species of bird in the world?

From sparrows to seagulls, to falcons and eagles, and then there are these.

This is a tit bird.

There are European, Asian, African, and even Mexican tits.

[chirping]

They are mainly small, stocky woodland species, with short, stout bills.

But tits do come in many different sizes.

They can range in length from 10 to 22 centimeters.

It is believed that some are actually evolving to grow longer beaks.

That way, they're able to reach inside bird feeders to get at their favorite food: nuts!

Not unlike the Galapagos Islands' blue-footed booby, tit birds are very active, noisy and social, and they have a variety of elaborate methods for attracting mates.

There's even one subspecies called the "great tit."

But to me, tit birds are all great.

We're about to make some heads turn!

- Look at these flyboys! [hoots]

Did you know owls can rotate their necks 270 degrees?

That means, if one wants to look to the right, it can do so by actually looking really far to the left.

Whoa!

That's totally tubular!

[80s synth pop] Which reminds me...

Remember the 80s?

Buns of Steel?

- Flock of Seagulls? [squawking]

[laughing to herself] Dolph-in Lundgren?

Yum.

Point is, everyone was in peak-performance shape.

So, who's ready to get physical?

[80s synth pop continues]

[male] Are you guys ready to neck-sercise?

[music intensifies]

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ You whip your head left ♪

♪ Now whip your head right ♪

♪ You sleep all day up in a tree So you can dance all night ♪

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ Hoo! I'm talking to you, silly goose ♪

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ Owls move like this Because they cannot move their eyes ♪

♪ If they want to look around They have to neck-sercise ♪

♪ Hoo! ♪

♪ They have to neck-sercise ♪

♪ Hoo! ♪

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ Hey look, it's a double neck dance ♪

♪ Those vibrations Are getting next level ♪

♪ Hoo! ♪

♪ This guy's not doing the neck dance ♪

♪ He must be a grumpy owl scowl ♪

♪ It's so easy, even a baby can do it ♪

♪ Come on everybody, let's neck-sercise ♪

♪ I'll even show you how ♪

♪ It goes like this ♪

♪ You whip your head left ♪

♪ Now whip your head right ♪

♪ You sleep all day up in a tree So you can dance all night ♪

♪ You whip your head left ♪

♪ Now whip your head right ♪

♪ You sleep all day up in a tree So you can dance all night ♪

♪ Do the neck dance ♪

♪ I am not liable if you get whiplash ♪

♪ And have to wear a neck brace For the rest of your life ♪

♪ Hoo! ♪

[country guitar music]

[Mother Nature] Now that we've warmed up, check out this "neck-st" frequent flyer.

Frigates are a family of seabird, most known for their pouchy, red neck thingies.

Only male frigate birds have these, and they inflate like balloons during mating season.

To attract a lady, he spreads his wings and makes this alluring come-hither call.

[rapid hooting]

Aye! [sarcastically] Well, that's not too irritating.

Frigates also have the largest wing area to body weight ratio of any bird.

[rapid hooting]

That giant wingspan allows them to fly for two months at a time without even landing.

They can even sleep while they fly.

A frigate bird can shut down half of its brain midair, going on autopilot for short bursts, just like commercial airline captains.

[snoring] [controller] Uh... Flight 36, are you up?

[Mother Nature] But don't worry, my fab frigates only need sleep for 10 seconds every 45 minutes.

Frigates are also known as kleptoparasites.

A kleptoparasite is an animal that steals food that was caught by another animal.

[plane diving sound effect]

[male] Yoink! I'll take that.

[plane engine sound effect] Yuck!

Undercooked!

[male] Yay! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!

[Mother Nature] Good for you! You got away!

Ohhh!

[Mother Nature] Ahhh, frigate!

[plane engine sound effect]

Now, let's catch a non-stop flight up to Iceland, where, coming up to the stage, is a very funny comic.

[drum roll] - You may know her from her early work in Happy Feet, and the all-you-can-eat herring episode of Lillehammer.

Ladies and gentlemen, - Puffinnnnn! [entrance music]

Alright! [chuckles] Great to be here!

Best time of the year for us puffins: mating season!

[applause]

A lot of people don't know this, but... we puffs like to be surrounded by our friends and family when we procreate.

So if you think doing stand-up is nerve-racking, imagine having crazy Uncle Magnus watching you get your svið on, while your special fella's worried about his kjötsúpa.

[male 1] You're kjöt-super not funny.

[male 2] Owl second that. [laughs]

Alright... hmm.

Well, I'm from Iceland.

I'm really proud to be Icelandic. I like Iceland a lot.

A lot of people say there are better countries out there, I disagree.

Whenever someone asks me if there's anywhere I'd rather live, [chuckling] I say, "Nor-way, dude!"

Get it?

[trying not to laugh] Nor... way, dude!

Boo! Baad!

Okay, great. Well... that's my time.

I'm gonna fly out of here.

Yes, I can fly.

I'm not one of those lame-o American turkeys.

[male] Turkeys can fly!

Ugh, I should've been a dental hygienist.

Nah, you would've sucked at that, too!

[Mother Nature] Alright, show of hands, who's been in a shipwreck?

Most of you, right?

And when you were adrift for weeks, mere moments from going completely bonkers, did your mind begin playing tricks on you?

And in that parched and addled state, did you perhaps spot one of... these?

Whoa!

And no, you weren't losing your marbles, these are mobula rays, found in temperate tropical waters around the globe.

They make a habit of leaping out of the ocean in amazing flights of fancy, particularly when they gather in groups.

These majestically streamlined rays with their wing-like fins can surface-breach to heights of more than six feet above the ocean.

This behavior is barely understood by scientists, and, frankly, I lost my notes when I moved, as to why I made 'em this way.

But possible reasons include: a form of communication, courtship, feeding, and perhaps even to remove parasites.

So how do they do it?

Well, it could be their wings displacing incredible amounts of water but what I'd prefer to believe gives mobulas their insane jet propulsion is way more fun.

["The Blue Danube Waltz" Johann Strauss]

[farting in time to the music]

[farting in time to the music]

[very long fart]

[long fart]

[farting in time to the music]

[all farting]

Now that's funny. [loud fart]

[insects chirruping]

[Mother Nature] From the seas to the trees.

Another non-avian famous flier is about to take off.

[jovial classical music]

My name is Harold Nutt.

I'm the president and sergeant in arms of the UAA, the Unappreciated Animals Association.

I'm a flying squirrel!

Flying squirrels are rated the fourth most unappreciated animal in the world, right behind pigeons, donkeys...

[rock guitar] ...and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

And what makes us flying squirrels feel so unnoticed?

Look at these people!

I mean, I've been flying my tail off over here, and not even a glance!

I guarantee if I were a flying bear, they'd lose their minds!

[bear] Outta the way, Boo-Boo!

Wow! That is cool! Just like me!

But those people must think I'm just some kind of lowly ground squirrel.

[male] Hey!

[Harold] Those chumps can't fly!

I can spread my membranous wings that stretch from my ankles to my wrists, and I can take off morning, noon, and night!

You might ask, "Hey, Harry Nutt, why do you bother flying if no one cares?"

Whoa, power line! Ha-ha! I do this for myself.

I save a ton of energy flying around the forest and foraging for food.

I mean, just look at this poor, regular, ground-squirrel idiot run.

He must be tired.

[ground squirrel] I am tired.

[breathless] I guess you are pretty cool, flying squirrel.

See? I mean, that's all I wanted.

Just a little bit of respect.

My name is Harold Nutt, and I gotta fly!

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[thud]

Ow! My acorns!

Hey, I legally have to tell you that sometimes we get injured coming in for a big landing.

[beeps] But that's just another thing that makes us flying squirrels so cool!

[bear] This makes no sense!

[MRI beeping]

[Mother Nature] What if I told you, I made an animal with no wings... no arms... no legs... and no hair... but it could still fly.

[horror movie trailer VO] "Snakes Are a Plane."

[dramatic music]

Move over Pennywise, Freddy Krueger and Anne Hathaway.

Introducing the newest horror villain:

Chrysopelea!

[Mother Nature] Um, you should have just used his more common name:

The flying snake!

[horror movie trailer VO] Okay, yeah. Good note.

[horror movie music] It's a snake that can fly from the pure magic of evil.

[music climaxes]

[Mother Nature] Well... the flying snake thrusts itself through the air from high tree branches, sucking in its stomach and throwing out its ribs to form a wing, ultimately, turning itself into a Frisbee.

[horror movie trailer VO] The ultimate Frisbee... of terror!

[Mother Nature] Uh... sure.

The flying snake controls its flight pattern by slithering in the air, his giant fangs always at the ready.

[horror movie trailer VO] Move over, Air Bud.

It's time for Air... Blood!

[Mother Nature] Ha-ha! Clever. That was a good one.

[horror movie trailer VO] Right? Yeah! "Snakes Are a Plane!"

Coming this fall!

[thud]

And... the-the other seasons, too.

[ambient music]

[Mother Nature] That was slightly unappetizing.

I could so go for a warm and soothing palate cleanser.

[male] It's me... woodpecker.

[birds twittering]

[tapping] - Us woodpeck... can peck...

up to 12,000 pecks per woodpeck... day.

[loud tapping]

Sometimes...

I get a headache... just thinking about it.

[tapping]

I lied.

We have reinforced... skulls...

and our brains... are cushioned.

[whispering] Cushioned.

[slow Woody Woodpecker laugh] Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪