Absurd Planet S1E8 Script

Fights Camera Action (2020)

[African music]

[Mother Nature] The quickest way to anyone's heart is through their stomach.

[timer rings] Num num num.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna be me in an hour!

[dramatic music]

With a dash of instinct, [whinnies] - and a sprinkle of natural selection.

[zebras] Oh! But we don't wanna be selected!

Of course, for my creations, their primal cravings are what ensure their very survival.

[funky music]

With tastes that range from the bland...

[giraffe] Utterly... tasteless!

...to the exotic.

[slurps]

So, wash your hands, or feet, because the best table in the house awaits.

I hope you all brought your strange appetites to my deliciously...

Absurd Planet!

[funky country guitar]

One of the most reliable places to find a hearty meal is the outback.

Not the Bloomin' Onion joint, I'm talking about the actual Australian Outback.

Allow me to introduce to you the esteemed Dr. Benjamin Wild.

Dr. Wild, you come very highly recommended.

[Aussie accent] Yes I do!

Now... this is a koala bear.

The coolest bear...

[Mother Nature] They're not bears, by the way.

They're marsupials.

[Dr. Wild] So this marsupial has a diet that consists of the very poisonous apocalyptic leaves.

[Mother Nature] Uh, those are actually eucalyptus leaves, Dr. Wild.

[Dr. Wild] You got Vegemite in your ears?

That's what I said. Eucalyptus leaves.

And they are very dangerous for baby koalas.

[Mother Nature] They're called "joeys."

[Dr. Wild] Right. So, unfortunately for the baby joeys...

[Mother Nature] You don't have to say "baby joeys." You just say "joeys."

[Dr. Wild] Got it. So, the joey joeys will get extremely sick if they eat them straight off the branch.

[joey] My tummy hurts.

[Dr. Wild] But, the mama can eat them because she has super powers.

[Mother Nature] Well, she doesn't exactly have super powers.

She has specially lined bowels that make digesting the poisonous plant possible.

[Dr. Wild] That's what I said. She has super bowels!

And, the super-mom has to chew up her own feces, and then feed it to her joey joey, so that it's safe for his congestion.

[Mother Nature] Di-gestion.

[Dr. Wild] No question.

[Mother Nature] What kinda doctor are you?

[Dr. Wild] Podiatrist.

Let me see your feet.

[koala] Doc... I don't have feet.

[Mother Nature] You know that feeling, when you say a word so many times, it starts to sound all weird and loses its meaning?

Like "spoon"?

Spoooon...

Spooon...

Spoon?

Sorry. Well, sometimes the exact opposite happens, where we see something truly bizarre so often, - it ends up feeling... normal. [insects chirrup]

[classical music]

These little flora foodies are leaf miner caterpillars.

Considered the Genghis Khans of gardens, chowing through everything in their path.

They have been the bane of the green-thumb set for centuries.

Like a bad ex, leaf miners consume from the inside out, feeding on the mesophyll cells of the leaf.

The area inside the leaf provides the caterpillars with an abundant source of nutrients, and protection from predators.

[caterpillars] Whee! Whee! Whee!

Another tree-bound insect that goes "absent without leaves"...

[chuckles] Thank you.

...are the leaf-cutter ants.

[upbeat music]

Everyone knows these tiny trailers can lift 50 times their body weight...

[ant] I'm very strong.

...but what you might not know, is that they don't eat the leaves they're carrying.

[ant] We're very wasteful.

Well, actually they're not, because all of these fun-sized food truckers are bringing the leaves back to the colony.

[ant] We're very organized.

That's right.

When they get back to the colony, they add their findings to the compost pile, and wait for them to die and decay.

Then they wait for the fungus to take over the pile of dead foliage, and that's where they get their dinner.

[ant] We're very gross.

Ah, little guys, I don't think you're gross.

You just eat... fungus-covered... dead... salad.

Okay, yeah, you're gross.

Of course, the greatest predator they have in the wild...

[dramatic violin]

...is the anteater.

[snuffles]

But what the leaf-cutters really have to worry about is a leaf blower.

[motor buzzes]

[music gets more dramatic]

Wielded by the suburban hairy-chested dad.

Such a rare, majestic sighting.

How I love seeing one in his natural habitat.

[sprightly music]

Now, let's take a lazy log ride down the Amazon River, where one man's tears are another man's... tiramisu.

You may wanna keep some tissues handy, because this could make you all misty-eyed.

These cool, flappy Julia butterflies are only after one thing on this hot, summer day.

They just wanna rest their wings and quench their weird butterfly mouths at the local watering hole.

And in a bizarre twist, the local watering hole is actually these turtles' eyeballs, and the butterflies are drinking the turtles' tears.

That's right, they're sipping this sadness sauce in order to get much-needed sodium and other minerals that the shelled fella excretes.

[sprightly music continues]

The butterflies are also known to sip on human sweat, animal urine, and even dangerous reptiles, to get their sodium fix.

[crocodile] Crocodile tears. Doh-eee!

But all of this talk about tears begs one important question.

Why are the turtles crying in the first place?

I know one thing, this is what it sounds like... when turtles cry.

♪ I cry cause I'm slow I cry cause I'm green ♪

♪ I cry cause I'm old I cry cause you're mean ♪

♪ I got a hard shell But I'm really kinda shy ♪

♪ Nobody knows I'm just a softy on the inside ♪

♪ Turtle tears when I cry ♪

♪ Always get drunk by the butterflies ♪

♪ Turtle tears fallin' down ♪

♪ A butterfly's comin' And he's gonna go to town ♪

♪ Another thing that makes me cry Are plastic straws ♪

♪ I know paper straws Come apart in your mouth

♪ When you drink protein shakes But come on ♪

♪ Just bite the ends off A piece of red licorice ♪

♪ And suck on that ♪

♪ Turtle tears when I cry ♪

♪ Always get drunk by the butterflies ♪

♪ Turtle tears fallin' down ♪

♪ A butterfly's comin' And he's gonna go to town ♪

[grunts]

Oops. That's turtle-ly a tortoise.

[grunts]

[new-age music]

[slow, deep voice] Iam man-a-tee.

My friend, Lupe, calls me a... sea cow.

Moooo.

I can live in fresh or salt agua.

That means "water."

I... am an her-bi-vore.

Be-fore, during, and after I eat.

Are you gonna finish that...

Caesar... salad?

[disappointed] Oh, okay.

[lively music]

There's a variety of eating utensils you people use to stuff your faces.

A fork, a spoooon, spork, chopsticks, toothpicks, a shish, a shovel...

Whereas my darling animals merely use paws and tongues, a rudimentary dipping stick, and sometimes a whole tree branch.

This is called a shrike, which is a seriously carnivorous bird.

It should be known, shrikes have earned the nickname "butcher bird" in the animal kingdom, for the barbaric way in which they kill and consume their meals.

They catch insects and small vertebrates, and then bang them repeatedly onto a tree branch, to render them dead or unconscious.

Next, the shrike impales the limp body on a sharp thorn of the branch, or any available spike or bark.

The spike holds their meal steady while the shrike tears into its flesh and rips the meat into smaller, more manageable bites.

Tapas style!

The spiky tree branch also serves as my version of a doggy bag, keeping the meal safe, to be eaten later.

There ain't no five-second rule in the wild.

[jaunty music]

The high prophet, Kanye West, once said, "The prettiest people do the ugliest things."

Same goes in the wild, where one of my stunning Indonesian creatures is almost elegant in how viciously they dine out.

This is an orchid mantis.

This species features brilliant colors, and a body perfectly shaped for camouflage, as it impersonates part of an orchid flower.

In fact, I can barely see it here.

[mantis] Cama-flooge.

Despite looking like famed vegan singer/chanteuse Grimes...

[electro-pop music]

...this species is obviously carnivorous, with a diet consisting of crickets, fruit flies, stinging insects such as bees and butterflies.

Oh no! Not my butterflies!

[mantis crunching] Yup. Sometimes even the butterflies.

Some orchid mantises are even cannibalistic, eating their own siblings when one strays too close.

A truly voracious eater, ready to chew off everyone's head at P. Diddy's White Party.

[mantis] Uh-uh.

Thanks, P. Mantis!

[playful music]

While some creatures like to take their sweet time dining, - this next little fishy prefers fast food. [grunts]

[groans] [sound rewinds]

I obviously wasn't talking about that little fishy, I'm referring to the other guy.

The ironically named angel shark, that is anything but an angel.

These devious devils are gulping down unsuspecting fish all across the Pacific, but good luck finding one.

They're often hidden away, waiting for their next meal to arrive.

Scientists named it the "angel shark,"

I'm assuming because it turned so many fish into angels.

[fish] I'm gonna be shark poop!

Yeah, you will.

It's clear this heartless predator doesn't have much of a conscience.

Just look at that awkward smile, like it's picture day in the third grade.

[shark] Cheese!

Little shark-eating grin.

In Southeast Asia, there's a primate that looks like Yoda, but is sadly... a grasshopper's coda.

Tarsiers appear as if they'll teach you the ways of the Force, but it turns out they all have an insatiable... dark side!

Oh, you're only using the Force to force that little green face into your mouth.

[tarsier] Smack-talking of tarsier, you are!

Come on!

That grasshopper was just sitting there, minding his own business.

[tarsier] Juicy protein nibblet, he was.

You couldn't have waited a second to chomp him?

[tarsier] Judging, you should not be.

Well, I was just about to say how I find you so adorable.

[tarsier] Food-shamed, I feel.

Call attorney, I will!

[phone ringing] [gibbon] Buddy Sparkle, please hold.

[tarsier] Ah!

Settled out of court for the big bucks, did I.

Uh... Wha... Settled for what?

I didn't do anything!

[sprightly music]

Somewhere between science and superstition, there is another world, a world called Tasmania.

For generations, this world had been inhabited by cutie-pie marsupials of all shapes and sizes.

They were the perfect civilization, until...

[dramatic music]

The largest living carnivorous marsupial is bringing darkness to this once peaceful island.

Nobody believed it.

Nobody could stop it!

Using their screeches.

[horror movie scream]

[menacing music]

Eating indiscriminately. Bones, fur, etc, etc, etc.

Etc.

Presenting a film of psychological suspense about an occurrence of Earth-shaking importance.

[growling and squealing]

The Tasmanian devil.

[unsettling choral music]

Conceived in Tasmania, born in fear.

Tasmany's Baby. [menacing sound]

A lame pun on Rosemary's Baby.

[speaking normally] No less terrifying is this famished and snappy ambush predator.

Against my better judgment, I'm submerging us into the very bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, where there is no lack of nightmare fuel and... podcasts, because everything scary has to become the subject of a podcast.

♪ I sea dead fishies ♪

[deep voice] Podcast.

I'm Shalla Enpeeyar, and we have a killer episode today.

Apparently, a lot of fish have gone missing, and here to help me get to the bottom of it, famed aquatic criminologist, Reef Morrison.

- Thanks for being here, Reef. Of course.

Our story begins in the tropical waters

- of the Indo-Pacific. [Shalla] Mm!

[Reef] Truly an idyllic spot for a little fish to swim.

[Shalla] Uh-huh.

[Reef] Or is it?

[Shalla slurping] Mm, tea.

Spoiler alert! It's not idyllic.

Because buried beneath the sea floor dwells a nightmare predator with a thirst for murder.

[Reef] Do tell.

[Shalla] So here's what we know about the suspect so far.

His name is Eunice Aphroditois.

[Reef] French!

[Shalla] But on the streets, he goes by...

[rock guitar] - "...The Bobbit Worm."

[Reef] Actually named after Lorena Bobbitt.

[Shalla] Oh, is that true, Reef?

[Reef] Why, yes it is, Miss Enpeeyar.

[Shalla] He's an ambush predator that can grow up to ten feet long.

He hunts by burrowing in the sea floor and waiting for innocent fish to swim by.

[Reef] Looks like someone is... catch of the day.

[Shalla giggling] Oh, you! [Reef] Oh, me!

[Shalla] Bobbits are equipped with sharp teeth-like structures and bear-trap spring jaws so strong they can chop a poor little fish in half.

[Reef] Looks like this guy is... gill-ty.

[Shalla laughs]

[Reef] Get it? Like, fish "gills."

[Shalla laughs hysterically, snorts]

[Reef] Snorted.

[laughter continues]

[Reef chuckling] Stop!

[both laughing]

[Shalla] We have fun.

♪ I like the pangolin ♪

♪ I like the horny toad ♪

♪ I like the man o' war ♪

♪ I like the crab in a road ♪

♪ I like the jumping stick A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like you-oo-oo

♪ Pah ♪