Absurd Planet S1E9 Script

The Flight Stuff (2020)

[thud] [heavy metal music]

- Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! [animals roaring]

Oh, how I love it so!

Of course, there are so many reasons why animals throw down.

[bear roars] - To protect, to defend territory, - for mating dominance... [snarls]

...and just because animals seem to find roughhousing way rad.

[monkeys screeching]

So, I figured, why not sit back, and watch them bash each other's brains out!

[kangaroo] Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself!

[Mother Nature] Here, on my...

Absurd Planet!

[wind howling]

Those guys we just saw duking it out are called elephant seals.

Folks are always asking me, "How did you come up with such a mush-faced mammal mashup anyway?"

Worthy question, nerds.

[lively music] [elephant trumpets]

I simply took the rubbery schnozzola of the feisty elephant, combined it with the salty sleek seal, and voilà!

[fart noise]

One of the most beautiful creatures on Earth, [chuckles smugly] if I do say so myself.

[grunts and snarls wetly]

Oh, hello, my pugnacious pretty.

He sounds like a lactose-intolerant old guy at a grilled-cheese convention, but those bubbling burp-like vocalizations are designed to make the ladies fall weird-head over flappy-flippers for him.

[grunting]

And by the time the males are eight years old...

[grunting]

...the battle for dominance begins.

[snarling]

[heavy metal music] [Pedro] Q, you're about to get wrecked.

[video game music] [game VO] Let's begin.

[heavy metal music continues]

[chomping]

[video game sounds]

[chomping]

[Pedro] Oh, yeah, there we go!

[heavy metal climaxes]

[Mother Nature] Way to go, Pedro! Now, show me how you win gracefully.

[Pedro] I win, I win, I win, I win...

Uh-uh! That's not at all what I had in mind.

I win, I win...

[dramatic music]

Animals of the same species tussle all the time, like two dads fighting over who gets to man the grill.

[growling] - But when push comes to shove, neither pudgy, sunburnt wuss is ultimately ready to stick his neck out to wage war.

- Unlike these typically mild-mannered Gs. [gentle music]

Giraffes are often thought of as one of the most gentle giants in the Sahara.

Look at 'em. Just eating trees and stuff.

[giraffe] Mm-mm.

- [dramatic music] - But today, these two alpha males standing over 19 feet tall and weighing in at 3,500 pounds, have one good reason to check themselves before they neck-wreck themselves!

- [female giraffe] Yoo-hoo, boys! [cheesy music]

[Mother Nature] Girls! Duh.

I don't know why they can't just do something romantic, like write her a poem.

[male giraffe] Roses are red, your neck is long, I would really enjoy if you played with my... [music slows down]

[embarrassed] O-kay...

[giraffe squealing]

[Mother Nature] Maybe fighting is better than poetry.

[male giraffe] What?

I was gonna say "gong."

[gong crashes]

[Mother Nature] Anyway, the fight starts off simply.

A little nudging here, a little shoving there.

But soon, the battle intensifies, and they whip their heads back and forth at breakneck speeds!

They're trying to knock the other off balance.

Or even knock the other one out cold!

In the end, the giraffe who loses the battle, hangs his head low and droops his ears.

And the winner gets to enjoy a little more necking with his new lady friend.

[female giraffe] Ooh, you're so randomly stronger than that other giraffe.

[playful music]

[Mother Nature] These are cormorants.

Seabirds enjoying their daily dive for fish.

Looks like fun.

Dive, gorge, repeat.

But you remember that old chestnut that goes...

"Sometimes, the hunter becomes the hunted"?

[menacing music] Hard to fathom this shark not getting to enjoy his early-bird special.

[menacing music continues]

But nooo...

[music ends]

A fight that's over before it even starts.

That attack turned out to be water off a cormorant's back.

For... now.

[music reprises]

[cormorant] Heading into your stomach, chief.

[Mother Nature] These next critters are worldwide prizefighters.

From Asia to Europe to North America, nothing can stop these winged warriors from exchanging stinging blows.

But unfortunately, back in Giraffe City, I can't stop these two dingleberries from commentating on them.

Thanks, Mother Nature, we love you, too. I'm Brian.

And I'm Bhryann.

[driving rock music]

And we're... [together] The Battle Bug Bros!

[Bhryann] We have got an epic match-up today between the hornets and the bees!

[Brian] Hold onto your flatbill bros, because this place is about to get lit.

[Bhryann] So lit! Check it out!

The hornets are moving in on the beehive!

They're gonna destroy all their larvae, and then they're just gonna annihilate the whole hive after broseph.

[Brian] Dude, those hornets have no chill, Joe Brogan.

[Bhryann] Straight-up savages!

The hornets actually decapitate the bees, cutting their bodies in half!

[Brian] Dude, that's nasty.

But hornets have a massive advantage.

One hornet can easily shred, like, 20 bees.

[Bhryann] Wa-hoa! That hornet's eating him like a little breakfast bee-rito!

[Brian] Dude, remember that girl at the burrito place?

She gave me her number but then you called her.

[Bhryann] Dude, her name was Betty Burrito, and she was, like, super annoying. I said I was sorry!

[Brian] You still owe me three tacos, bro.

But wait! These bees have figured out an extreme way of fighting back against these gnarly hornets.

[Bhryann] That's right, bro! Epic comeback by Bee-town!

The bees will surround the hornet in a ball, and then vibrate their wings and muscles to generate so much heat that they literally cook the hornet to death.

[Brian] The little bro-becue. That's cookin' with gas!

[Bhryann] Dude! I hope we never fight like that!

[Brian] We just did, bro!

[Bhryann] I love you, Betty Burrito!

[Brian] Too soon, dude!

[Bhryann] We are... [together] The Battle Bug Bros!

[Mother Nature] Every great bruiser has an adrenaline-inducing training regimen.

Rocky... Van Damme... Mulan...

[hard rock music]

...Bieber.

And in East Africa, there's an iron church where some of the best creature combatants earn their stripes by clangin' and bangin'.

[hard rock continues]

[gerenuk] I know what you're thinking.

You look at me and you say, I wish I was lucky like that gorgeous beast.

He has killer genes.

Wrong!

We "jerenuks" have little use for denim, and number "B,"

I didn't always look like this chiseled, golden gladiator.

[Mother Nature] You're pronounced "gerenuk."

But you're already ripped like Triple G.

- What's your secret? Secrets are for ostriches, shorty.

Just hard work, eating right, plants, veggies, physical fitness, and intense, vein-popping, isometric flexing when I make stools.

That's my gospel, Mona.

[Mother Nature] So what kind of animals work out at your gym?

[gerenuk] Any animal tired of getting rocked by predators, intruders on their turf, or ones just wanting to get ready for his, or her, woke special mate.

Testify, wildebeest!

[Ted] I used to run from lions and cheetahs.

Now I just walk right up to 'em and get in their face!

[gerenuk] Great doorbell camera footage, Ted.

See! The results are clear.

[Mother Nature] So you're telling these animals not to run away from predators?

[gerenuk] I am.

But results may vary.

Like this result... which was bad.

I built this gym with my blood, sweat, deer tears and fears, Mother Nature.

This is "Jerenuk's" Gym. That's me.

I'm the "jerenuk." And I have this gym.

[Mother Nature] You're pronounced "gerenuk"!

[gerenuk] Here at Gerenuk's "gim," I put the "buff" in buffalo, the "war" in warthog, the "hell" in gaz-hell, and the "hyah!" in hyena.

[Mother Nature] And the "bull" in bull.

[gerenuk] No! Days! Off!

[hard rock ends]

[birds chirping]

[Mother Nature] The most cinematic fight scenes always have the perfect musical score to amp up the drama, and I think to not include a heart-pumping musical montage right now would be downright... funk-ay!

♪ Kick it! ♪

[funk music playing]

♪ Don't let me funk you up ♪

♪ Ooh! I'm gonna funk you up ♪

- ♪ Ow! ♪ ♪ Don't let me funk you up ♪

♪ Ooh! I'm gonna funk you up ♪

♪ Yow! It's a rumble ♪

♪ In a jungle ♪

- ♪ I'm about to lose my cool ♪ ♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ It's a clashing of the titans You gonna be the fool ♪

♪ It's a stingin' sensation When you're cracked upside the head ♪

♪ It's survival of the fittest You got me seein' red. Ooh! ♪

♪ I have big fists ♪

♪ You have got sharp teeth ♪

- ♪ I'm gon' knock you out ♪ ♪ To this funky beat ♪

♪ I'm gonna fight for my life ♪

♪ You gotta fight for your life ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna fight for my life ♪ ♪ Don't let me funk you up ♪

♪ I'm gonna funk you up ♪

- ♪ You gotta fight for your life ♪ ♪ I'm gonna funk you up ♪

♪ Funk you up ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

[growling]

[Mother Nature] Not all animals fight for survival, or in the name of some testosterone-fueled mating rage.

[thwack] - Some of my fuzzy little furballs play "King of the Mountain" for completely good-natured reasons.

For fun!

[chirpy folk music] - Like this wee marmot of North America.

- Wait! Where's my marmot? [music ends suddenly]

[man] I've taken your marmot.

[Mother Nature] You kidnapped my marmot?

Why? What's the ransom?

[man] More.

[Mother Nature] More marmots?

Okay, but they're not what I would call the easiest animals to keep as pets.

- [chirpy folk music] - All they do is play-fight constantly and they're also known for their high-pitched chirps and whistles.

[high-pitched chirping]

In fact, they whistle so much that Whistler Mountain in British Columbia was named after them.

[man] Bor-ing!

More... marmots!

[Mother Nature] Okay, but, plus... they love to eat.

- They never stop eating and whistling... [chirping]

- and play fighting, and eating... [chirping]

- But you're in charge, boss. [chirps]

Take more marmots.

[man] Ugh! I was so wrong. [chirps]

- These things are the worst! [chirping]

- Stop play-fighting! [chirps]

- Ah! Stop play-fighting! [chirping]

[Mother Nature] Good luck with all that!

[man] I swear, I'll find human friends! [chirping]

For the love of everything good and decent...

- Take. Back. Your. Marmots! [chirping loudly]

[Mother Nature] 'Kay, byeee! [chirping]

[new age music]

[male moose] I... am... moose.

A giant... deer.

My antlers... are made of bone... velvet... and pride.

Mad... mating moose... must mess... with many... moose... males.

[yawning]

I don't wanna fight... today.

Today...

Today...

Today...

Guess I'll... vam-... moose?

[salesman] Introducing a new board game adventure from your friends in Absurd Games!

[all together] Yay!

If you love boards, and you love hippos, then you're gonna shout "hip hip hooray" for Hangry Hangry Hippos.

[impersonates child] How do we play?

[salesman] This game is all about staying alive.

[impersonates child] How do I win?

[salesman] Great question, Timmy! In the African Sahara, these fired-up hippos will show off how big their jaws are to send a warning to any predator to stay off their territory and to stay away from their mates.

Fun, right?

[Timmy] Those hippos seem angry.

[salesman] Shut up, Timmy!

If the hippo challenger ignores the warning, then it's time to fight to the death!

[Timmy] Hippos die in this game?

[salesman] Ha! You bet they do, and that's why kids love the silly game of Hangry Hangry Hippos!

[Timmy] I don't like this.

[salesman] I said shut up, Timmy!

[Timmy crying] [man] All hippos were harmed in the making of this Hangry Hangry Hippos Board Game: The Commercial.

[anthemic rock music]

[Brian] We're back with another epic fight between two of Nature's gnarliest insects!

Rhino beetle and then, like, another rhino beetle!

I'm Brian. And I'm Bhryann. And we're...

[together] The Battle Bug Bros!

[Brian] These bros are really sizing each other up!

[Bhryann] Dude, in Asia, sometimes these guys are kept as pets.

[Brian] Whoa! Trivia alert, Einstein!

Here we go, it's on!

Looks like one beetle already has the other beetle in a death grip.

[Bhryann] That rhino bro looks shook.

But why are they even squabbling, dude?

[Brian] Excellent quest, bro!

You'd think they'd just hug it out, but they have these mega horns, and they use them to always battle each other over females.

Sound familiar, bro? [Bhryann] Dude, Shelly was my girl!

I still can't believe you took her to the luau.

[Brian] Mahalo, dude! Shelly sucked!

I promise, next luau, I'm taking you!

[Bhryann] Ohana for life, dude.

Anyway, it looks like this beetle's about to do an epic body slam!

Just like the legend Hulk Bro-gan, dude.

[Brian laughing] Yeah, dude! Rhino beetles use their big horns to lift and push each other around.

The victorious beetle will eventually break off the other dude's horn, causing him to be, like, extra embarrassed and run away.

[Bhryann] I'd never break off your horns, dude.

[Brian] Thanks, man. That would totally harsh our bro-jo!

And that was...

[together] The Battle Bug Bros!

[Bhryann] Shelly, hit me up sometime. Dude!

Not cool, Bhryann with a "Y," "H," and two "N"s!

[Mother Nature] One of the most gratifying aspects of watching two of my most tenacious species beat the bubblegum out of each other, is wondering who's gonna come out on top.

[dramatic music] [fight bell dings]

So, in this corner, we have the Indian grey mongoose, found primarily in Asia.

Mongooses are bold and inquisitive, but also wary, and rarely venture out far from cover.

Beware the shy ones!

Mongooses and their kin, like meerkats, are omnivores, their diet consisting mainly of prey that they catch.

Such as scorpions, beetles, other crunchy insects, and you can bet your Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, also snakes.

[mongooses snarl] - Which leads us to our next competitor:

The cobra snake.

Cobras are highly venomous, with the ability to rear back and fan out their hoods when threatened.

They have short fangs and a sinister talent to inject neurotoxins into their prey.

[cobra] Strike!

Which is often a fatal blow to the nervous system.

[cobra] Strike!

So, sports fans...

[cobra] Strike three, you're dead!

...place your bets!

Let's see what happens when these two powerhouses collide!

[cobra] Hey, Mr. Mongoose.

I'm about to get loose, and knock you on your caboose.

Oh, hello, Mr. Cobra, I'm so sorry, but I'm just gonna have to eat your baby.

[musical climax]

[spectators applaud] [announcer] And here we go!

Ooh, watch out Daniel-san, Cobra Kai is poised and ready to kill.

The mongoose goes straight to work!

And just like Ali in the jungle, the mongoose is trying to exhaust the cobra with a little bit of rope-a-dope.

Is he playing with toxic fire? Yes!

Uh, wait a minute, I was just handed a scientific note.

The mongoose isn't playing with toxic fire.

He's actually immune to venomous snake bites.

Harold, does that change the judge's scorecard?

[Harold] How would I know? It's a mongoose fighting a cobra. Shut up!

[announcer] And down goes cobra!

- Down goes cobra! [spectators groan]

Let's take another look.

A spectacular move from the mongoose, as it accelerates and takes down the mighty serpent.

I am absolutely going to plotz!

♪ I like-ah the pangolin ♪

♪ I like-ah the horny toad ♪

♪ I like-ah the man o' war ♪

♪ I like-ah the crab in the road ♪

♪ I like-ah the Jumping Stick ♪

♪ A super-engorged brown tick ♪

♪ A magical unicorn tang ♪

♪ A deer with a crazy fang ♪

♪ And they like yooou ♪

♪ Pah! ♪