Accepted (2006) Script

Everyone, have your money ready. We only have so much time.

Okay, say, "Cheers!" Cheers.

Say, "Beer!" Beer!

Say, "Cheers!"

Glen, you got to take that shirt off, pal.

Why?

Hands, you wanna field this one?

Uh, dude, you're getting a fake ID...

...and you're wearing a shirt that says you're in high school.

So?

Okay, whatever. I'll fix it later.

Just do what you were doing.

Give me some nice cat things.

- B! Oh, hey, Schrader.

What the hell is going on here?

Relax, pal.

Five percent goes to your favorite charity.

Uh, I forgot to tell you, I borrowed your keys.

You borrowed my keys? Come on.

Well, I needed them. Ow.

We're providing a vital service to America's youth here.

Could we get the next in line, please? No, we're not. Stay there!

We're contributing to the delinquency of minors, B.

Do you know what will happen to me if I get caught?

Every day after eighth period...

Vice Principal Matthews comes in here.

He picks up the women's fitness magazine...

...and he snaps one off!

Are you serious? Yes.

That is a problem.

Uh, okay, well, we still have the rest of eighth period, right?

So, we'll just pack everybody up and get out of here.

Okay, let's go!

Shit!

Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!

Okay, good, good.

Ah, wonderful! Vice Principal Matthews!

So glad you could join us!

What the hell is this?

It's Glee Club practice, sir.

We're just gettin' ready for Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.

We don't have a Glee Club.

Not yet, we don't, sir.

But as the graduating class, we wanted to leave behind...

...a legacy that inspires future students...

...to take initiative rather than spend their time...

I don't know, privately defacing women's fitness magazines.

I mean, I went to read an article...

...about no carbs and higher reps the other day...

...and the pages were... You are a rotten egg.

...as if by some natural adhesive. That'll be enough.

I need to cut the pounds...

...and I can't open the... Stop it!

Whatever does it for... Stop it!

That's all I'm gonna say.

Thank God you're graduating.

I'm the fourth-generation Schrader... Sorry.

...to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.

I can't do anything to screw that up.

You know, like, I don't know, getting busted for identity fraud.

Look at you. Would you stop, man? Relax.

We're all goin' to college, okay?

This is said by the guy who's been rejected... Hey, B.

...by seven schools.

Hey, I'm creating dramatic tension.

I got a good feeling about number eight! Ugh.

I got in! I got in! I got into Princeton!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, I think that guy got into Princeton.

Oh, what makes you say that?

I don't know.

Bartleby! Hey.

Hey, how are you, Monica? Hey, how are you?

Good. Do you know Schrader?

No, I don't think so. Oh! Yes! We...

I actually... We had a class.

Oh, yeah.

My shit was all crazy. I sat way behind you.

Yeah. Sorry. I don't remember you, either.

Sorry. It's all right.

Um, anyway, I really wanted to ask you something.

Sure, anything.

Um, you know, I know it's really late...

...but, um, last minute and everything...

...but prom is coming up soon, you know? It's okay. Yes.

And I'm actually having a party at my house beforehand.

Awesome! And I was wondering...

...if you'd like to, um... If you could, um...

I'd love to... mow our lawn.

Mow your lawn? Yeah.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm really embarrassed, but, you know...

...our mower's broken and my mom was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"

That's cool!

I... Yeah. Tell your mother I would love to mow the lawn. Really?

Of course.

Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.

Thank you. Hey, babe! Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!

Sorry, I got to go.

But thank you, again. Yeah, s-sure.

You're really helping us out. Oh, great to see you.

And, hey, it was nice to meet, um, see you. Talk to you.

Yes, yes. It was... It was so nice catching up with you.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye. B- Bye, Monica.

Hey, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, baby.

Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!

Hoyt Ambrose. What's that guy got that I don't have?

I just need to get a car.

And classic good looks.

"I regret... "

I can't believe I didn't get into State!

I wasn't even aiming high with that one.

That was my fallback!

It was my safety school, my fail-safe!

Maybe you're just too average.

Hey, time out.

Too average?

Okay. Okay. Excuse me, Lizzie.

R- R-Remember who you're talkin' to here.

I didn't have to go to gym class for a whole year...

'cause I claimed to be allergic to sweat.

Or what about the time I got the note from my doctor saying I was nocturnal...

...and I was allowed to study in my dreams?

I got the school bully, Frank Daley, kicked out for two years...

...because he was sexually harassing me...

...by pushing me up against the locker and I said I felt something.

I mean, come on. That was pure genius.

Maybe if you didn't write an essay called "I Don't Have a Clue. "

Well, it's true. You know?

I don't have a clue what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.

O ye of little faith.

They're not gonna kill me. Uh-huh.

I just have to spin it...

...and put it in terms they can understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand, either.

Okay, I figure it like this.

The average cost of college is, what, $20,000 a year?

Now, according to these estimates that I got off the Web...

You can pass those around.

Someone with no education beyond high school...

...can expect to make about $20,000 a year in the current job market.

Now, that being said, over the next four years...

...you could either spend $80,000

...or I could make $80,000.

Are you saying you don't want to go to college?

No. I'm saying that it is fiscally irresponsible...

...for me to go to college. You know?

Are you huffing? Oh, God. No.

Are you high? You're huffing grass?

No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm not stoned. I'm completely fine.

In fact, I'm more clear and level-headed than I've ever been.

Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.

Society has rules.

And the first rule is you go to college. Mmm-hmm.

You want to have a happy and successful life? You go to college.

If you want to be somebody, you go to college.

If you want to fit in, you go to college.

Well, you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college.

What do you mean?

I didn't get accepted anywhere.

Oh, Bartleby.

Damn it.

I knew he should've started preparing for college in junior high...

...like his sister.

Now, she's got a shot. I've got a shot.

She's got a shot. Listen, guys.

There are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college.

Albert Einstein, you know.

Pocahontas never went to college.

Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.

They had a great run.

Both Lewis and Clark.

Suzanne Somers. Bono.

I need to go check on the cobbler.

"Check the cobbler. " Glug, glug, glug.

You know, I really don't care what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.

You're goin' to college.

I told you so.

You were adopted.

Everyone...

I would like to propose a toast to our graduates.

To the Class of 2006...

...may the next four years of college...

...be the best years of your life.

Hear, hear. Mom.

Hey. Hey, man, what's up?

What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?

Dude, I swear, if one more person tells me...

...how excited they are to go to college, I'm gonna lose it.

Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.

That's insane. You're one of the best receivers in the state.

Uh, the best. And, uh, no knee, no football, man.

That sucks. What are you gonna do now?

I have no idea.

That makes two of us, pal.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Hey, Rory. What's goin' on? Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.

Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.

I did... I didn't, I didn't get into Yale.

I didn't... I didn't get into Yale.

What? I can't believe that!

Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale.

Too many rich kids with mediocre grades...

...and well-connected parents this year, I guess.

No room for Rory, who's been working...

...since first grade to get into Yale.

Rory, who only applied to Yale and nowhere else.

I had it all planned!

It was perfect, B! Perfect!

And now it's nothing! Nada!

It's a goose egg!

Okay. Well.

God, Rory! Rory!

She's handling that really well.

College is for pussies!

All right. I got to get out of here, pal.

Hang in there. All right, man. You, too.

Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr. Schrader. I was actually just...

Did you have any cake?

No, you know, I'm not much of a cake guy.

Oh, it is a hell of a cake.

It is the same cake we got for Scotty and Seth when they got into Harmon.

Oh, ah, everything comes full circle.

Jay! How are ya, bud? Oh, I really don't...

Hey, Stu. Hey.

I can't imagine your pride, knowing your youngest...

...is headed off to a good college. Must take a load off.

Yeah, well, not to mention...

...the load it takes off my bank account.

Dad.

Nothin' like gettin' a load off!

What about you, Bartleby?

That's a good question, Mr. Harkin.

What's with the questions, Mr. Trebek?

Where you goin'?

Um, I... I., well...

I didn't really, uh...

Bartleby screwed around and now he's not goin' to college.

He's thrown his life away.

Yeah, that's... That's what I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.


Wait. South Harmon Institute of Technology?

Yeah. B, you realize that makes it S.H.I.T., right?

S.H.I.T.? I was wingin' it. Whatever.

Just finish building the website, please.

This is the act of a desperate, wildly unrealistic person.

Yo, B, you have to hook me up with one of these acceptance letters, bro.

Are you kidding me? No way. Why not?

Oh, come on. The only way this is gonna work is if we keep it quiet.

And even then, it's still a long shot.

Dude, I don't care. I have to do somethin'.

The minute I lost my scholarship...

...my pop started talkin' about me getting my own bus route.

Help me. Please? Mmm.

You know something?

For the safety of the public, I can't let you drive a bus.

Sweet. But listen to me.

This is just a temporary stopgap measure, okay?

Nothing more. Gotcha.

Bravo, guys. Great. Both of you guys.

Let's start this fake college. And then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.

Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?

That's how these things start.

You know something, Schrader...

...you got into a great college.

And your future's lookin' really good...

...and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause you're my best friend and I love you.

I'm talking about me coming to you, asking for your help.

Just finish the damn website.

Please.

What do you say?

There he is! Fine.

Get off me, you idiot.

But we need some sort of, like, mission statement or something.

Your dad's gonna want to see that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.

Hey, kids. Honey!

Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.

What's this?

South Harmon Institute of Technology? What's that?

Mmm? What's that?

One of the most respected schools in the area, that's what that is.

Well, what's it say?

I gotta open it first.

Come on, hurry.

Oh. I'm nervous.

"Dear Bartleby...

"congratulations, you've been accepted!"

I got in!

Aw, thank God. Thank God. I got in!

Hey-o! Oh! God!

Honey. I'm okay.

Hey, this is great!

It's so exciting!

What the hell is South Harmon Institute of Technology? Yeah.

Oh, it's one of Harmon College's sister schools.

I've never heard of it.

Well, because it's the baby sister.

It's the most discreet and unharmed of the sister schools.

You got any literature on this place?

Yeah, there's a website, I'll show you the link.

You did it. You're a college boy.

Wow.

So you guys want to eat? Yeah.

Hey! I hate my life.

I'm a huge tool.

Have fun being hot.

Bartleby!

Hey, Dad, what's up?

I took a look at that website.

Oh.

Cool.

It looks unreal.

Unreal?

Yeah, it looks pretty unbelievable, huh?

It seems like a solid place.

Really?

Here you go.

First semester's tuition. Paid in full.

That's great.

Wow, thank you, Dad.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Thanks, Dad.

Your mother and I can't wait to drop you off.

What we need to do is lease a place near Harmon...

...so we can fool our parents. Yeah.

Hey, Schrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?

Oh, yeah, I do, actually.

I carry around a list with me at all times...

...of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Dude, I started you guys a bank account already.

What do you want me to be, your realtor?

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

Hey, what's up, Glen?

Hey. Hey, Glen...

...when did you start working at the Kwik 'N Stop?

Since I got boned, hard, by every college I applied to.

Why, what happened?

Some political crap.

I got a zero on my SATs.

You know you get 600 points...

...just for signing your name, right?

All right, let's get serious, man.

Now, where we gonna find a place to pass off as a college?

Hey, guys! I know a place.

How'd you know about this place?

I used to do volunteer work here.

This place is awesome.

'Cause now I can finally get hepatitis.

A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hand.

That doesn't make any sense.

It's a saying. What?

A diamond in the rough.

Hope you guys have hobo-stab insurance.

Great. The birthplace of crack.

Hello, beautiful.

Hey! Hey, guys, don't go in there.

This is breaking and entering.

Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.

Who's scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.

Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.

I told you that in confidence, Hands.

Schrader, you were afraid when your tooth fell out...

...because you were terrified of the tooth fairy.

That's actually a legitimate fear.

She was rifling through my shit.

Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.

Fine. I will.

Okay, guys, seriously...

I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed.

We don't have to renovate the whole place.

We just have to focus on essential areas.

We got the... The main lobby. Hallway.

Dorm rooms. Dorm rooms, exactly.

I think this could really work. Huh? It's awesome!

Can you hold that? Yeah.

Guys, a little can-do attitude, some elbow grease...

...maybe a smile from Schrader.

It's like cleaning up your room, you know?

Welcome to the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Atta baby. The beginning of good things.

Yeah.

Schrader, what the hell was that?

Um, this is embarrassing.

Are you kidding?

It would be really cool...

...if you guys wouldn't tell people I scream like that.

Ready, set, go.

Whoo! All right.

Uh, whoa, Glen.

Oh, hey, B.

What are you doing here, buddy?

Rory told me about it.

What are you doing? We were gonna keep this place a big secret.

But he didn't have any place to go.

He got fired from the Kwik 'N Stop.

Is that true? Why'd you... Why'd you get fired?

I got fired for making a shrimp slushee.

That's disgusting. See?

Why would you do that, pal?

'Cause I was hungry and thirsty.

Oh, God.


This kitchen is bitchin'!

And this'll be the bath...

Close the door. Shit!

Close it!


It takes 10,000 steps to get from here to greatness.

And this right here...

...this is step one.

Good luck, Son.

Mister Ambrose, do you know what makes Harmon a great college?

Rejection.

The exclusivity of any university...

...is judged primarily by the amount of students...

...it rejects.

Unfortunately, for the last few years...

...we have been unable to match the amount of students...

...that Yale, Princeton, or even Stanford rejects...

...primarily because of our physical limitations.

But all that is about to change.

Yale has one, Princeton has one.

And now Harmon College will have...

...the prestigious entranceway it deserves.

A verdant buffer zone...

...to keep knowledge in, and ignorance out.

That is a great idea, sir. Yes, it is.

Now, you, Mr. Ambrose, are chairman...

...of the Student Community Outreach Committee.

I need you to secure all these decrepit properties...

...in the neighboring community.

So that we can demolish them to make room...

...for the Van Horne Gateway.

You know what?

This actually looks like the real deal.

Guys, I don't want to be too overly optimistic...

...but I think this could work.

It really looks professional. Hello.

Hey, kid, where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm, uh... Listen.

I took another look at that website.

What's all this "be what you want to be" crap?

No, no, Dad, they just... They just have to say stuff like that...

...just to keep from being sued.

Yeah, well, sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

Glen, go long. Set up a meeting with the dean.

The dean? Jesus. Mother of hell!

Your college does have a dean, doesn't it?

I'm good! Yes, of course the college has a dean.

Dad, you know, he's a busy guy, though, you know...

...he can't just, uh, set up a meeting with parents.

Listen. If I'm paying for it, I'm meeting with the dean.

I want to make sure you have the same education I did. A real education.

Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad, Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.

I gotta trim this corner right here. I think I got poisoned.

What's up, B? We got a little problem.

What? Who was that, Bartleby?

We gotta find a dean.

In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want.

You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.

I want the Pump!

I don't got the Pump.

Look, oh, I got the Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.

I want the Pump!

Listen, you insolent little snot...

...there are kids right now in Asia who are sewing your stupid shoes together...

...so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!

This is the worst idea of all time.

Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius.

He'll be fine. Mom!

What did you do?

You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid.

You know what? Maybe he's retarded.

I'm glad my mother's dead.

He's just having a bad day.

Oh, my gosh.

You want me to be the dean of your college?

No, I want you to pretend to be the dean.

It's just for one day.

Uh, perhaps young Sherman didn't share this with you.

I've retired, I'm no longer a shaper of young minds.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, technically, he was fired.

That's not true. I got fed up with the education racket.

So I quit.

I did send in my resignation...

...in a rather unorthodox fashion.

You sent the dean of the university a bag of dog shit.

It was a metaphor. For what?

For "You're full of shit!" Oh.

That's not a metaphor. That's a metaphor.

Oh, semantics, schmantics.

Three years from now, I'm finished with this crap.

I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea. I'm outta here.

Wh-Where... Where you going?

I'm going off the grid.

No more, uh, franchises, no more Botox...

...no more "Eh, oh, let's clone another goat. "

And certainly no more sexual harassment suits.

What's wrong with saying, "Hey! Nice tits. "

When did that go out the window?

Okay, Ben, all I'm asking you...

...is just shake a couple hands with some parents...

...say, "Hi, I'm the dean," whatever.

What if we pay you?

Don't sully my dignity with your cash.

There you are! Did you make another child cry?

It's not my fault the kid's a crybaby! Little dipshit.

You're an asshole! You're an asshole.

You are an asshole. And you're fired.

Perhaps it is time to move on.

But I get to bring my house.

Deal.

Right or left? Right.

Whose right? Your call.

You're an idiot! You're upset.

Go with what you feel.

You got about 12 feet.

Perfect.

Asshole.

Okay, smiles, everyone.

First day at college.

What's up with these colors? Shit brown? Really?

Glen picked 'em. Of course he did.

Where'd you find all these people?

Uh, I volunteer at an English-as-a-second-language program.

These are my students. I told them if they wanted to pass...

...they'd have to successfully assimilate...

...into the American college environment.

Whoa! The parents are here!

Okay! We're on, guys!

Okay, people, it's showtime!

Wow.

No frills around here. Oh, none at all.

None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles, or mahogany, it's the real deal.

The real deal, huh?

This is it, kid. This is it.

The big moment. Take this in. Ah.

It's exciting, it's scary.

It's really scary. Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.

Okay.

What's going on here?

Okay, we lost one of the campers.

Curious campers.

What are you doing? Don't do that. Don't do that.

Honey.

Take it easy. Okay, here we are. Let's...

What the devil is that? Oh.

That's just a surge of collegiate energy.

It's college for you.

Take a left up here for the dorm room, Dad.

Oh, uh, can you hang on a second?

I just really gotta go to the bathroom a minute, you know.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I just wanna...

No, no, no, no, no!

Uh, it's, that's, it's the men's room.

You can't go in there.

Well, can't you just stand outside...

Diane, can't you wait till we get to the restaurant?

Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed. I'll see you in math class.

You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.

You jokester.

Here we are. You remember Hands. Hey, Mrs. Gaines.

Hey, hi. The fam.

You look great. Well, thank you.

When I first saw it, I was like, I gotta live here?

I can't believe this. But it's a dorm room.

Mr. Gaines. Daryl, how are you, partner?

Oh, thunder grip.

Why are there bars on the window?

Oh, that's so nobody accidentally gets thrown out.

It's fine. It's a good learning environment.

Not a lot of extras. You'll study harder.

Yes. We will, because of the blue and the sparse walls.

I agree with you, sir.

What are these?

That's in case of an earthquake.

Uh, never mind that. Hey, let's go meet the dean.

Huh? The dean.

Come here, honey. Come on.

Which way? Take a right there, Mom.

It's gonna be fun.

You know, a lot of people say...

...that college is the time when young men and women...

...expand the way that they look at their world...

...when they open their minds to new ideas and experiences...

...and when they begin that long journey...

...from the innocence of youth...

...to the responsibilities of adulthood.

Now isn't that a load of horseshit?

W What?

Could you explain that to us a little more?

Uh, Dean Lewis, why don't you tell them...

...a little bit about the philosophy here at South Harmon?

Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids...

...in order to attract them to going to school...

...in the belief that they're gonna have a better life.

And we all know that all we're doing...

...is breeding a whole new generation...

...of buyers and sellers.

Buyers and sellers!

Pimps and whores. Pimps and whores!

And indoctrinating them into a life-long hell of debt and indecision.

I... Um...

I... I just don't understand.

Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?

Look, there's only one reason...

...that kids want to go to school.

Holy shit.

Which is?

To get a good job.

To get a good job, with a great starting salary.

I couldn't agree more.

It is so refreshing to have somebody...

...approach education so rationally.

Fuckin' A!

Well, Dad. Ow.

Oh, Mom.

You make us proud, kiddo.

I'll try, Dad.

Don't worry about anything, okay?

Bye, honey. Seat belts.

Spread your wings.

I'm gonna fly. You gotta let me fly.

Bye, Lizzie. Bye!

Bye!

So what do we do now?

Well, my friend, we're in college now.

We can do whatever we want.

Gotta hand it to you, B.

Kids everywhere are busting their ass in the classroom...

...and we're killing aliens, dude.

This is way better than learning. We are learning here, pal.

We're learning the dire cost to civilization when diplomacy fails.

We're learning political science right now.

What the... What the hell is that?

Who is it?

Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir.

Hi, there!

What's your name?

My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.

But you could call me A.D.D...

...on account of the fact that I have A.D.D...

...which is Attention Deficit Disorder and you know...

...everyone used to think it was just an addiction to sugar when I was six...

...and my mom used to cry because she thought I would never be...

...like, a fully functioning member of society...

...like my neighbor who has Legionnaire's Disease.

Oh...

This is no longer a mental health facility.

I'm so sorry we can't help you.

Good luck to you, pal. I don't need a hospital!

Okay, okay, wh-wh-what are you doing here, then?

Well, unless I misread the website...

I'm here for orientation!

Oh, you scared me for a second. In more ways than one.

Uh, you're looking for Harmon College...

...it's just right on up the hill.

But good luck, have fun. Go, Harmon.

No! I'm looking for South Harmon Institute of Technology...

...because, well, it's the only place I got accepted...

...and I'm looking to pursue my degree in English...

...or law or animal husbandry or anything really!

Did you just say you got accepted here?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all did.

What?

Thank you so much!

Oh, God. Holy balls.

I'm sorry.

Move, fool.

Oh, look, there's my old girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.

You broke my heart!

Please.

Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No parents allowed past this point.

It's part of our philosophy here at South Harmon.

We need to mold your kids into individuals...

...and the first step is to...

...sever the ties of the parent-child relationship.

Take him.

We're just glad Larry got in someplace.

He's your problem now.

Bye, hon. No biting!

Hey, Larry.

Okay, good talk. Go on in there.

You're gonna fit right in, Larry. Unfortunately.

What are we gonna do?

This is supposed to be a secret.

Yeah, well, I guess the secret's out.

You go check the P.O. Box, I'm gonna go find Schrader, okay?

Hey, pledge guy, welcome to B.K.E. House.

Can I take your blazer for you?

Get in there, your future is right in there.

Thank you. All right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Bartleby. Hey, how are you? Hey, how you doing?

Good. I'm so sorry about your jacket.

Dude, don't worry about it. It's... It's not even my jacket.

Perfect. So, what are you doing here?

I'm, I'm looking for Schrader, actually. Have you seen him?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.

I'll catch up with you.

Hey.

I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.

This is fun. I'm just gonna hang back...

...while you guys shoot around and stuff, you know.

Oh, shit.

I got it.

Oh. That's a... It's a G chord.

I used to play in a Cranberries tribute band.

Uh, we disbanded.

Hey, you're Sherman Schrader. Yeah.

Hoyt Ambrose. Yes, right. I know.

Yes. You are the president of this whole fraternity.

That's right. Right. You date Monica Moreland.

That I do. Right.

I think about her when I masturbate.

What? What?

I didn't mean to say that.

Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged alongside my father back in the day.

Oh, so you're the legacy.

That's right. Legacy!

You need... You probably need this to play, actually.

Was it here?

Uh, was it there? Was it...

So... So do you go to school here now, or...

I don't. Uh, I go to South Harmon.

Did you say South Harmon?

Yes, I did.

Oh, what's that? Hmm?

Wha-What's South Harmon?

South Harmon is... It's a college...

...just a very small college. Teeny, tiny college.

That's great. Well, congratulations to you. Thank you.

Hey, sweetie. Hey!

Oh, my gosh, I was so excited for you...

Actually, can you just give me just one sec, okay? Thanks.

Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.

Floyd Pambrose.

That's weird. Our names rhyme.

Yeah, that is pretty weird.

That's kind of crazy. Welcome to B.K.E.

Thanks. It's great. I love it here.

All the sexually repressed energy. Oh.

I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism, but under the rug, you know.

I like it, I like the way you handle your business.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, hey, why don't you just hang around and meet some guys?

Oh, no, thanks, man, I'm not into guys.

I totally respect your lifestyle choice, though. And good luck with it.

Your parents probably don't get it, but I do.

I'll see you later, Monica. Bye. It was good to see you.

I'll see you later, Thor. I mean Dirk.

Uh, I mean Trent. Sorry, Troy.

Whoop, sorry, Goldie.

Schrader, where you been? I've been calling you for half an hour.

What the hell, man? I'm in the middle of rush.

I don't care, man. I got a situation goin' on.

This is huge for me, all right?

You can't be here right now. Okay, okay, okay.

Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?

Yeah, and then Lizzie was born. It's worse than that.

Where did these people come from?

Oh, from the chaos catalog. They were going out of business.

What is happening? I'll tell you what's happening.

I told you to make the website look legitimate, not functional.

Hey, you wanted to fool your dad. And the guy's not an idiot.

And, also, it was your idea to put "Acceptance is just one click away. "

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click away, you don't make it clickable.

Oh, my... Holy shit.

Yeah.

They all paid first semester's tuition?

Oh, yeah. 10,000 bucks apiece.

I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.

That's $74,000,000.

It's $1,000,000, Glen.

Yeah. In human dollars.

Okay, okay, okay. We gotta do something.

Hey, don't look at me. Ask one of the founding fathers.

B?

This isn't my deal, man.

I told you this was a bad idea from the get-go.

True.

We could have a Battle Royale.

Wow. What is that?

B, you gotta tell these people to go home.

You are absolutely right, my friend.

I started this, I'm gonna finish it.

Thank you.

Go.

Hey. Hey, Glen!

All right.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody.

Can I... Can I just get your attention for one minute?

Um, yeah, I'll be taking questions in a minute.

Just give me one second, please. Hold on. All right.

Who the hell are you?

Ah-ah. Okay.

That's a good question. Thank you.

My name's Bartleby. Hello.

Um, Gaines, for what it's worth.

And, um, you know on the website how it said...

"Acceptance is just one click away"?

Do you remember that?

We had intended... Hold on.

We added that because we were... Aw, shit.

Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry. What... What... What do you want?

When I got accepted here...

...it was the first time my parents ever said they were proud of me!

That's cool. Um, that's cool, man.

Hey, uh, just show of hands, how many people applied to other colleges?

Everybody. Uh, okay.

And how many of you got in to the other places you applied to?

Nobody.

Nobody got in anywhere else?

And you know what? I didn't, either.

I didn't get into a real college.

A really, really good college.

I know what it's like to be rejected. It sucks.

Rejection blows. Being said no to.

You know what, I'm sorry, you're just not quite good enough.

You didn't have enough extracurriculars.

You didn't play enough tennis.

You didn't study hard enough for your scores. So you're not gonna make it.

You know what? Screw that!

What's he doing?

I think he's winging it.

Shouldn't we all have the chance to be said yes to?

At South Harmon, we say yes to you!

We say yes to your hopes.

We say yes to your dreams.

We say yes to your flaws! So welcome!

Grab a room, grab a friend...

...grab yourself, we don't give a shit.

Welcome to South Harmon Institute of Technology!

Oh, man.

And welcome to S.H.I.T.!

You! I love you!

What are you doing?

Do you realize how stupid this is?

You invited everyone to a college that doesn't exist.

I... I just couldn't do it, okay? You saw their faces.

They got rejected from everywhere.

What... What kind of message does that send if I reject them from my college?

You don't have a college!

Hey, hey, hey, where's the bookstore?

Oh, we have a deal with Amazon.

You just buy 'em with a credit card.

When do we sign up for classes?

Uh, we extended orientation. You're fine.

Hey, man, where the heck do we eat around here?

Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas. Order them.

18 pizza pockets. What? No, no, no. 3...

Hey, who do I give my intuition money to?

Who? What? Me, I guess.

I'm done fishing singles out of my G-string.

I'm a college girl now! Aw, yeah.

Wow.

Uh, B, hey, uh, you just started a fictional college.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Hey, do you guys have a swim team here?

Yes, you know what? This is Hands Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.

He can help you with anything you need to know. I can't do it right now.

Thank you, though, thank you, I'm sorry.

Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do now? I just need a minute to think.

What? What the... Holy shit!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!

What the hell are you guys doing?

What do you mean? We're makin' the room bigger!

Yeah, Thorgeous, but this is my room.

Who's in charge of room assignments around here, anyway?

Guys, I'd like you to meet Rory.

She is the resident S.H.I.T. room assignmenter.

And she'll be more than happy to help you out with that. Okay?

Okay, uh, I... I guess I'll show you your rooms.

Follow me. Thanks.

Sorry about the wall.

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it, man.

It happens all the time. No problem.

Yeah, well, we actually do have a problem...

...because you don't know how to run a college.

It's fine. It's okay. It's fine.

We'll just relax, get some sleep, we'll regroup tomorrow morning.

It will be totally calm.

Ahoy! Scallywags and scally-ladies.

Okay, dude, B, I'm with you on this, I am.

But we need a plan, dude. We need a plan now.

I know. I know. I... I... I... I'm processing.

You're gonna need to process faster.

What is... Why are the... Find out what's going on.

- Yo! Ah, there's my college man.

How you doin', kid?

Dad, now is not the... The... the best time to talk.

Hang on, let me get your mother.

Can I have this? Come here, let me talk to you.

Diane, pick up! Honey! Is it you?

Stop yellin' in the damn phone.

Oh, it feels like ages since we've spoken to you.

How's school so far?

Oh, it's going great. It's going really...

Hey, someone here order two dozen kegs?

The... The... The old guy with the hat, playing craps.

What the hell was that?

Sounded like he said something about two dozen kegs.

Bartleby, are you experimenting with alcohol?

Aw, no, no, no. He said two dozen eggs, Mom.

You misunderstood. Two dozen eggs.

What took you so long?

I've been building a thirst over there!

Hey, listen, I'm not paying for you to be making omelets up there.

Tell me what classes you're taking.

Classes?

Uh, right. I'm taking...

Statistics.

And, uh, business...

...and anatomy.

- Anatomy? Anatomy?

Thanks, dude.

Bartleby, Bartleby!

Yeah!

Hey. I always wanted to go to college.

Couldn't get in anywhere, though...

'cause I was in the military.

Oh. Beverage ops.

I was snooping around, saw something secretive.

Next thing I know CIA swoops in...

...does this whole brain-scramble thing.

Now I can't remember anything.

So do you have room at the college for me?

You know what, we already started the semester, I'm sorry.

That's cool, man. Yeah.

It's just I... I got my GI Bill...

...and I can pay you all four years in advance.

Okay, you're in. Yeah!

Yeah, welcome to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!

How's the processing?

I just have to figure this whole college thing out.

Here at Harmon College, we offer a highly structured...

...time-tested curriculum carefully designed to stimulate the young mind.

So, Mr. Gaines, you're thinking about transferring?

I don't know about transferring.

My life is kind of, like, a little weird right now.

But I just kind of want to figure out...

...what all this is all about.

Sorry.

A And what college are you attending right now? Sorry?

The college that you're... Oh, it's down there. By the thing.

Pardon me?

I'd like to look around, if that's okay. Uh, that's fine.

If that's what you'd like to do.

Thank you. It was... It was, uh, it was great to meet you.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

That's all right. No. You know what? Leave them, leave them alone.

Leave it, leave them alone.

And go on and take your tour, okay?

A single rate of income tax eliminates loopholes...

...allowances and exemptions...

...as well as encourages payments...

...through use of low interest rates...

...which theoretically would cause...

...an economic boom.

Now if you would refer back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.

So theoretically what I was saying was...

This guy's pretty boring.

Don't talk to me, man! Right, this is gonna be on the midterm.

And my whole life is riding on an A in this class.

This guy's... EBITA!

What?

Earnings Before Interest, Taxes and Amortization.

Good afternoon, students...

...and welcome, everyone in the spillover class.

What the... What is this?

We'll begin today's lecture...

Okay, great, yeah. I'll see you in the library at 8:00.

And I'll bring my notes. Okay, see you then.

Bye, Monica.

Monica. Hey.

Bartleby. Hey, what, are you stalking me or something?

Stalking's an ugly word.

I like to think of it more like obsessively shadowing. Oh.

I'm thinking about going here, so I'm checking out the classes.

Really? Yeah. Do you like all your classes?

Yeah. I mean, well, I'm taking a bunch of classes...

...that I don't really care about.

There was this one, though, that I was dying to take.

But, um, I ended up not being able to. But, you know, it's okay.

What was that one that you wanted to take?

Uh, ph-photography. It's... Really? That's cool.

Yeah. What was the problem?

Well, see, there's this, um, photojournalism class...

...but they said it's only for journalism majors.

And then there's this art photography class...

...but they said it's for fine arts majors.

So my advisor said it would be best not to take either one, or something...

...because certain photography classes...

...don't apply to a degree in photography.

Wow, that makes, that makes no sense at all.

I know. Um, but I'm really sorry.

I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for my Ancient Roman History class.

It was good seeing you. Bye. Okay. Bye.

Hey, uh...

I'm... I'm just saying, I mean, is that what college is?

What were you expecting? A renaissance of the human spirit?

American education is in the shitter.

You know why?

Because people forget the most important rule.

College is a service industry.

A service industry?

As in "serve us," as opposed to the other way around.

Look, you see all these kids out here?

They all paid to come here.

Right. They all paid for an experience.

What kind of experience?

The hell if I know. I'm not a goddamn mind reader.

Well, maybe I should just ask them.

Welcome to the conversation.

What do I want to learn?

Why are you asking me?

Well, I'm asking you, Glen, because I have a hunch...

...that no one's ever really asked you that before. Yeah?

Well, I like pancakes and alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.

Okay, you know what, let's appropriate the bulk of this man's tuition...

...to learning more about the culinary arts.

Huh? Food.

All right. All right.

Rory. What about you?

Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment...

...of every single day has been scheduled.

So what do I want to do?

Nothing.

Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it. Hands, what about you?

Summer camp I made a paperweight and won Camp Nagachewy's...

...coveted woodcarving award and next day...

...ran a 4.6 forty and it's been football ever since.

Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting. Good, something with your hands.

Well, there may be something in there.

You can think about that, and then get back to me. All right?

Schrader, what about you? Well, B, I'm glad you asked, actually.

'Cause since we're going to prison...

I'm gonna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.

Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you something, though.

All our lives we've been told what to learn.

Well, today the tide is gonna turn, my friend.

Because today we're gonna ask the customer.

What do I want to learn? What do I want to learn?

What am I interested in studying?

Huh? What?

W What? Come again.

That's a good question. No, really, come again.

I thought you were supposed to tell us.

Please come again!

I want to meet girls.

Girls. Girls.

Some girls! Uh, girls.

I wanna rock!

You know, and roll.

Well, as you can probably tell at this point...

...is that I really want to learn how to slow things down.

More speed. More vert.

Maybe something with clothes, you know?

Putting them on, taking them off.

I'm really good at that part. You wanna see?

I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.

Okay. Well, write it on the board.

Go ahead.

Okay, thanks. Okay.

All right. Thank you, smiley.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah, buddy.

Taxes? I'll tell you about that nonsense.

If you're rich, the government'll protect...

...every buck you make and every shit you take.

Kiki Dee. Got a job for you, kid.

New school colors and logo. You're in charge.

Really? Don't screw it up.

I won't screw it up, I... I won't screw anything...


What are you?


Health insurance, my ass. They don't pay for shit!

You get sick on a Friday, they only pay for Monday through Thursday.

You go to Dr. A, they only pay for Dr. B.

You break your penis, they only fix vaginas.

You mind if I join you?

Ah, cool. Awesome. Thank you, that was great!

I'll see you guys later. Okay, bye.

That's pretty, uh...

I know, right?

That's African fertility sculpture.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

The wood speaks to me.

The wood speaks to you?

Ladies and gentlemen, the new S.H.I.T. Line.

Thank you.

What is learning? It's paying attention!

It's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life!

And what's the worst thing that can happen? You get bit in the ass!

Well, let me tell you, my ass looks like hamburger meat...

...but I can still sit down!

I can't believe this is a class.

Yeah.

Look what I did.

Ugh. What are those?

I call 'em GlenWads.

They contain every delicious flavor in every single bite. Try one.

I'm not gonna lie to you. They look disgusting.

This shit will get you high on flavor alone.

Glen, I love your Wads. Hmm.

Glen.

This is like the most... Literally the most incredible thing I've ever eaten.

Heads up, bro.

Whoa.

And it's so easy to swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.

Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy. Sure.

Hey, how's it going? Hey.

Can I help you with something?

Aren't you that guy?

No, I don't think so.

You're not? I'm not what?

I saw you at rush. What are you doing here?

I'm eating a Wad, man. What are you doing here?

Wait... wait, let me guess.

You want me to sign your petition...

...banning minorities from your yacht club. No?

I am the chairman, actually...

...of the Student Community Outreach Committee at Harmon College.

Ah! That was my next guess. My next guess.

That sounds very important.

As a matter of fact, it is! That's why I said it.

And Harmon wants to buy this property...

...so do you know where I could find the lease holder?

I do.

Well, could you tell me?

Oh, yeah, I could. I could, Gunther.

Okay, well, are you going to tell me?

No. I'm not gonna tell you. I will tell you this.

The lease holder's not interested in relocating at any point.

So thanks for asking, and have a good day.

And enjoy the game show that you host. Bye-bye.

Oh, look out.

Open it.

Ah. Thank you for coming by.

Have a good day. I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.

Hey! What the hell is this place?

South Harmon Institute of Technology. The best college ever.

Is this a test?

Hey, Sperminator.

South Harmon?

Knock, knock.

Oh, hey, Gwynn.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing up here all by your lonesome?

You know, you're missing the whole party.

Hey, have you ever heard of the South Harmon Institute of Technology?

No. How come?

No reason.

Hey, pledge.

Hello, knights of freedom.

Sperman, do you know why you're dressed like this?

Because it's required for brotherhood.

Drink this. Okay.

No, wait.

There you go.

Good addition, sir.

Hey, Hoyt. Hey, what are you doin'?

Oh-oh. Hoyt.

Monica. Hold on. Shit!

Harmon Gateway, my ass. Let me tell you something.

That's the kind of group-think mob mentality that's dumbing down America...

...and flushing your brains down the toilet.

B! We have a problem.

Virgin daiquiri.

And easy on the lime there, Eraserhead.

Comin' right up.

Lizzie. What are you doing here?

You mean I can't swing by and visit my big brother at college?

You are in college, aren't you?

What is that supposed to mean?

Come on, Bartleby. The jig's up.

I'm telling Mom and Dad.

Uh, listen, w-w-what do you want?

$20,000.

What? No way! That's insane. Come on.

I'm not gonna play your little game.

I'm not gonna give you a cent.

How do you like that? How do you like them apples, huh?

Fortunately, Mom and Dad are on speed dial.

Oh. I'll ask them to pick me up here.

Okay, you're gonna call Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.

You are bluffing with the best.

You're very good, though. I gotta give it to you.

Hi, Mom. Okay, stop it.

Anything you want, not money-related.

Your Razor scooter. Done.

And a fake ID. No! That's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna let you drink.

It's so I can vote, dumbass.

Oh. Okay, deal.

You need a Razor scooter to vote?

What do you mean, they're a college?

They're called the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

The South Harmon Institute of Technology?

What is this, some kind of joke?

No, I don't think it is, sir.

Mr. Ambrose, that is the one building...

...standing between me and the Van Horne Gateway.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Tell me that you're not that naive.

Colleges don't just spring up out of the ground overnight.

You're right. You're right, sir.

I know I'm right!

All right, don't worry. I'll... I'll figure a way to get them out of there.

What an excellent idea, Mr. Ambrose.

That's the kind of thinking that will get you into law school.


Coming through!

Ow!

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just came to thank you so much for my camera, B.

It was so sweet, thank you.

Come on. Please, I figured, who needs a life's savings, right?

Actually, I had a really hard time finding this place.

You... You guys aren't listed in the phone book...

...and nobody really seems to know about you guys.

Yeah, yeah, we're... we're a pretty well-kept secret.

Well, let me... Let me show you the rest of the place.

Sure. Really?

Yeah, of course. Okay.

Great. Great.

Let's, let's go. All right.

Two lava flows. Thank you.

And keep your voice down. People are playing.

Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm. Oh, okay. Thank you.

He makes a mean drink. Yeah. It's great.

All right. Hello.

How do you like your drink?

Yeah, it's really good, Glen. Thanks.

Does she like hers?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, she...

Yeah, it's great. Thank you.

Okay, great, thanks. Okay, pal. Okay.

Ah, Glen.

Wait. So this is your course guide?

Yeah, this is a new pilot program.

See, the administration wanted us to create our own classes...

...so we just, uh, write 'em on the board.

Really? Yeah.

Wow, that's so cool, B.

Hey, why don't you sign up for one? No, no.

Come on. Sign up for one. No. No, Bartleby, no.

It... It's painless. I insist. Oh, really?

Even if you don't sign up for one you'll go on a fun ride.

Okay.

Just stop me when you see something that you like.

Okay. Oh, I like this one. "Men: The Weaker Sex. "

Give me a pen. Oh.

B, there can't honestly be a class called "Bullshitting 236."

What about "The Decline and Fall of Chevy Chase"?

There's a wait list for that one.

What?

Are... Are you okay?

What?

What the hell happened?

An explosion of flavor!

I'm working with some very unstable herbs!

Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me...

...that there are no tests, or essays...

...or required reading, or any of that nonsense?

That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?

Yeah. Never ever.

Ask me about my wiener! That's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Oh, no.

Ask me about my wiener!

What the...

Ask me about my wiener!

Schrader?

Oh, hey, B. Hi.

And Monica.

Hey. Why... Why are you wearing this?

Every single brother in my fraternity has worn this suit.

President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman.

Oh, yeah, and look what happened to him.

He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Do me a favor, ask me about my wiener really quickly.

Schrader, no.

Guys, my brothers could be watching me right now.

Just ask me about my wiener, please.

Why are you doing this? What do you mean?

Come on. You're... This...

You're humiliating yourself, buddy.

You know what, B. Don't mess with me!

These are the happiest times of my life, all right?

Schrader. I'm so happy, I'm the happiest.

I'm happy!

Hey! Ask me about my wiener!

S.H.I.T. Rag. Hot off the presses.

Here you go, B. Thanks, Boner.

The S.H.I.T. Rag?

Yeah, come on, every school's gotta have a paper.

There's a great op-ed piece in there about not believing everything you read.

It's really provocative.

As your de facto consigliere my advice to you is to shut this down immediately.

And my advice to you is to stop worrying...

...before you spontaneously combust.

Yes, but you can't just do this.

To be a real college...

...you have to go through the appropriate legal channels.

You need to be accredited.

Well, yeah, could you take care of that?

Hey, B. Pancho, looking good, pal.

Who's that? Spank me.

That's, uh, the mascot.

Oh, it's the mascot? Yeah.

A sandwich? Yes.

You're the S.H.I.T. Sandwiches? Yes, we are.

You are taking this way too far.

How so? Oh, I don't know, man.

Maybe it's the pool, or the half-pipe.

That's not in the budget. I'm re-investing in their education.

Those are South Harmon cornerstones there.

Yes, but you're overlooking zoning requirements...

...noise permits, there are insurance issues.

Come on. Insurance? What's gonna happen?

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Yeah!

Aw, shit.

We gotta do it again, dudes. Left the lens cap on.

No, you didn't! Damn!

You know what? You're absolutely right. This has gone way too far.

And I think we need to do something about it ASAP.

Thank you. Thank you.

Is this great or is this great?

It's pretty cool, man, but I gotta go.

The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s biggest party of the year.

And we're recreating the scene from The Untouchables...

...where Roy, as Bobby De Niro...

...crushes my skull with a baseball bat.

Wow, what an incredible honor.

Could you sign a copy of your book for me?

I got it on eBay. They sell my shit on eBay?

You wrote a book? Yeah.

But that was back when I was drinking.

Come on, Glen, you can't keep stringing us along.

Which one of us is it going to be?

Quiet, quiet, quiet! Quiet, shh!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for your fearless leader...

Bartleby Gaines. Come on up here, buddy!

Aw, man.

Thanks. Thank you. Get up here!

Come on up! I know you know this one!

Go. Go up there right now. Go, man, go!

How you doin'? Yeah! You the man.


I'm going to have that.

Shut up.

Look, where the hell is everybody at?

You! Hey.

Hey. How are you?

Aw, God, look, where the hell is everybody?

This is the biggest party of the year, guys.

Band, hey!

Ah, you want to start playing some music, please?

Hey. Hoyt, hey.

There's, like, some big party down the hill.

Oh, that son of a...

Hey! B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.

Aw, my God, you saw that. I'm embarrassed.

I don't know what happened to me.

Someone possessed me, and... And it was the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.

B, is there anything that you're not incredibly amazing at?

Yeah, it's funny you should ask.

There are very few things I'm not very good at.

Off the top of my head I can think of spelunking, uh, telekinesis...

...not crying at the end of My Girl.

It gets me. And dairy products.

Which is good, because you know I'm not really in the mood...

...for any dairy products tonight.

Well, let's see if we can get you something else then.

Let's see. All right.

This is my... Oh! Ooh!

I'm okay, I'm okay. I keep forgetting this opens out.

It happens all the time, I gotta get used to it.

Oh, no.

And this is...

Mi casa.

Bartleby, uh, oh, my God, this is amazing!

Huh? It's fine.

I mean, I like it 'cause it's simple, and functional.

Provides a good safe workspace for me to focus on my studies.

B, this is so cheesy, in the greatest way.

There is nothing cheesy about a clap-on disco ball.

Maybe it's a little bit much.

I've wanted one since I was a kid, though.

Wait, is everybody's room at South Harmon this incredible?

Well, at South Harmon you're free...

...to kind of design your own rooms, you know?

Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're...

And I was thinking clap-on disco ball.

How about that drink? Can I get you a drink?

I would love a drink. All right.

Ah, touché. Ahh.

This party's off the hook!

Hey, hey, hey, shut up!

All right. Where is that asshole?

Co-Come on, Bartleby, that was 7th grade.

Yeah, exactly, that was my point.

Well, I will have you know... Oh, now...

...now I can't go back to your past, but you can go back to mine.

That Christina Aguilera look did very well for me, thank you very much.

Yeah, you did great, you did great. I know.

I remember you making out with Pete Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.

You were at that party?

Oh, even if I wasn't there, I would have known about it.

It made headline news at school.

And... And... And that day something happened in my life...

...that I never thought would happen.

I became envious of Pete "The Gooch" Goochman.

Never thought it would happen.

But I was like, "He got to make out with Monica Moreland. "

Well, if you wanted to kiss me so bad in the basement, why didn't you?

Well, 'cause the Gooch beat me to it...

...and I was a little shy, and, uh...

Well, you want to kiss me now, don't you?

You look like Carly Simon!

If I could bang one woman in the world it'd be Carly Simon...

...and you look like her!

Are you having fun?

I'm having so much fun.

Let's go find him. Oh!

Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.

Sorry. One sec.

Oh, shit. Uh, I got a situation.

Come, come with me. Okay.

Hey, have you seen Schrader?

Excuse me.

Shit.

Monica? What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, just picking up my application for transfer.

You're telling me that you're with this guy now?

Actually, Hoyt, um...

I'm telling you it's none of your business.

It's none of my business? Yeah.

Oh, snap!

Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce you to an old friend of mine.

The word "rejection. " She can be a real bitch.

But you don't have to give her roofies.

So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.

You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?

You mean something funnier than your future alcohol abuse?

Battle Royale!

Uh, shit. Let's go, guys.

All right, come on, guys. Let's get out of here.

Wow, Monica, you really know how to pick 'em, don't you?

Have fun with these idiots!

Bye-bye. Bye.

Thank you for comin'.

Guys, let's get the music back up! Come on!


Wet T-shirt party!

Mom? Dad?

Gwynn. Hi, there.

What are you doing here?

I'm your escort.

Induction night, big guy.

B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood, brotherhood, you and me!

B.K.E., B.K.E. Brotherhood, brotherhood, you and me!

Sherman Schrader, you rock!

Aw, no! You guys rock!

Get ready to be inducted into the brotherhood, you winner!

Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have. Whoo!

I want lilac shirts! I want visors...

...kind of tilted to the side, with hair gel coming out of it.

I want to have sex with girls that look like this!

You rock! I know I do!

You do, yeah, you do.

Do I get hair gel now, or do I have to go and buy my own?

Did you crack him?

No.

We'll crack him.

Sherman, do you know how long that this fraternity has survived?

Yes, sir.

153 majestic years, sir.

That is correct. Because it's based on the most sacred principle...

...that brothers can share.

Trust.

And seriously, bro, I'm... I'm beginning to question...

...whether or not I can trust you.

'Cause we know you been hanging out with those freaks down at the loony bin.

So with your allegiance being called into question...

I just wanted to ask you just one thing.

Paddle.

That's actually not a question. Shut up!

Are you with them...

...or are you with us?

Decent party.

Okay, I'll give you decent.

Hey, where is Schrader? He should be here for this.

I don't know. I haven't seen him in a couple of days.

I hope he's not sick.

Okay. Quick, quick, quick, everybody say "Cheers"!

Hey, "quick, quick, quick," get up in here.

No. Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.

Gotta up the gorgeous quotient.

Okay. Get ready and now.

Cheers!

Schrader.

Schrader, come on, open up.

What are you...

What the hell happened to you?

Nothing. Just a little ritual bonding over at the B.K.E. House.

What? What are you talking about?

They kicked my ass, until I told them all about South Harmon.

Oh, shit.

They took my laptop, the mailing list, everything.

Shit. Man, I'm sorry.

All I ever wanted was a run-of-the-mill college experience.

But not me, right? I can't have that.

Not me!

'Cause I'm too busy getting the shit kicked out of me...

...and being an accomplice to fraud!

Does the run-of-the-mill college experience...

...include stripping you of your dignity?

Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... A... A frigging hot dog suit?

It's a tradition. A tradition?

Yes. I got a tradition for you.

Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old.

That's the only tradition I know.

I just messed up. I really messed up.

How? What happened?

With Schrader.

I know Bartleby is by the pool.

Oh, my God.

What is it? Cops?

Worse. Parents.

Mom! Dad! Great!

Hey, guys.

Bartleby! Hiya, kid!

Hey, oh, it's so good to see you!

Oh, it's great to see you. Ow. You look thin.

There's five good ones right there for my college boy, huh?

Hey, hey, Dad.

Wha... What... What... What are you doing here?

Well, Parents' Day.

What a wonderful idea on the part of the college, you know?

Yeah. Oh, right.

Parents' Day. Of course.

Hello, everyone. Now, welcome to Parents' Day.

And, uh, we're very glad you could be here.

Um, we have a wonderful guided tour planned...

...a Around the grounds and the campus...

Show you what we've been working on all year.

So, welcome one and all. Excuse me, everyone.

May I have your attention, please?

Oh, shit.

I knew I smelled bacon.

My name is Richard Van Horne.

Oh, Van Horne, yes.

The... The dean of Harmon College, our big sister school.

Give him a round of applause. He's earned it.

Thank you for comin' by. Great to see him here.

They are our big sister school...

...and we are honored by their presence.

Thank you for that nice introduction, young man, but the joke is over.

Ladies and gentlemen...

South Harmon Institute of Technology...

...is not the sister school of Harmon...

...or of anything else, for that matter.

More like cousins. Thank you for coming.

It is not accredited. Any...

Nor is it truly an educational institution.

Is this true, Bartleby?

It is a sham, a fraud...

...that undermines the efforts of real colleges everywhere...

...and I invite you to confirm that...

...with the State Board of Accreditation.

To all those students who have been duped...

...good luck applying to schools next year.

And to Mr. Gaines I say you will be hearing from our attorneys.

Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish I would have thought of that.

Oh, that's right, I did.

Oh, and by the way...

...if you, uh, if you see that lease holder of yours...

...will you tell him that his lease automatically breaks...

...when he's found guilty of fraud?

Cool. Thanks, D.

Er, was it G?

That's right, it's F. See you, F.

Guys, I can explain. Mmm-mmm.

You have done some stupid things in your life, Bartleby...

...but this...

You get your stuff together. You meet us in the car.

This is unconscionable.

Ridiculous.

Hey.

So...

...none of this was real?

That's not true.

Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.

Monica.

Sorry, man.

It's cool. We tried.


Have you completely lost your mind?

Guys, the state defines a college as a body of people...

...with a shared common purpose of a higher education.

Well that's us, isn't it?

I mean, you know, with the word "higher" kind of loosely defined.

Uh, yeah. He's completely lost his mind.

No, no. Listen, all we have to do...

...is go before the state accrediting board...

...with a licensed administrator, and just present our case.

B, look, let's just cut our losses, okay?

What are we talking about here, huh?

We're talking about a stupid piece of paper.

I mean, if a stupid piece of paper...

...is what's gonna make us acceptable...

...then let's go for it. Why not?

'Cause you gotta remember, it's not just about us anymore, okay?

It's about everyone who went to South Harmon.

Ah, great speech.

I was inspired, I felt inspired by it.

Thanks a lot, I'm... I'm taking it on tour.

What are you doing here?

Aw, I don't know. I had... I had to pick up some stuff.

Some sage. Eggplant. Olive oil. Some Funyuns.

Wait a minute.

Come on!

You're the one that applied for accreditation, aren't you?

Well, someone had to do it, you know?

We all can't live with our heads up our asses.

I disagree. I... I don't get it, man.

You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.

I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon.

But then I realized...

I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader...

...to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

I said it, okay? I said it.

So you're saying...

...you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. Head?

I'm sayin' I want to be a S.H.I.T. Head.

I wanna be a S.H.I.T. Head.

Yeah, man, well, it's good to have you back, buddy.

Yes. Yeah!

Yay!

All right, so we're doing it.

Thanks to this S.H.I.T. Head, we got a hearing set for Friday.

Don't sweat it, kid. I'm all over it.

All right, please remember, Ben, this is serious, all right?

If this doesn't work, I'm going to prison.

Oh, don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.

Hello, sir. Um, we're from South Harmon.

We have a 3:00 in Hearing Room A.

Okay, actually your meeting room's been changed to the Grand Hall.

Why the change? It's bigger.

How did they... Rory called them.

The whole school?

I had to do something.

This meeting of the State Board of Education will come to order.

Today we'll be hearing the case for accreditation...

...for the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Your case for accreditation is being contested...

...by Dean Richard Van Horne...

...representing Harmon College.

Loser. Loser.

In order to become accredited...

...a school must meet three requirements.

You must have a facility, a curriculum and a faculty.

Please state your case.

You're on, kid.

What? Wha... I thought you were gonna handle this. What are you doing?

Rule number one, lead with your star witness.

Nobody knows South Harmon and these kids better than you.

So, it's showtime.

Let's kick some ass.

You're gonna be great, man. Just go do your thing.

Sling some bull.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Uh...

...ladies and gentlemen of the panel, thank you for meeting with us.

Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines and I'm the co-founder of...

South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Sorry. Friends of mine.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry, first of all...

...w what were those three things that you listed?

A facility, a curriculum and a faculty.

Facility, right.

Okay, well, we definitely have a facility.

Uh, we have a common room, we have dorm rooms.

Uh, we have a skateboard ramp.

We got a tiki bar. Umm...

They have leased an old mental hospital.

They have none of the traditional support facilities...

...or resources.

Mr. Gaines, do you have a formal athletic facility?

Okay, uh, by formal you mean...

No. No, we don't.

A library?

No.

A health services center? No.

No.

Your curriculum?

Our curriculum? Yes.

Do you have a course book? A comprehensive list of your available classes?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Uh, Sunshine. Can you...

What is this?

Our curriculum. These are the courses we offer at South Harmon.

This is a joke. "Slacking 101"?

Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines...

...how does one major in bumper stickers?

Sir, um...

I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.

I fail to see any merit...

...or scholastic value in anything listed on that board.

Okay, uh, guys, you want to help me out here?

In "Taking A Walk and Thinking About Stuff,"

...we get to think about what we want to do with our lives...

...in a stress-free environment.

"Let It Speak To You 202" is an art class in which we discover our talents...

...by examining our personal life experiences.

In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp that teaches us about engineering...

And physics. And aerodynamics.

In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"

...we listen to the music and lyrical angst of a lost generation.

And we rock our faces off.

They do.

Do you have faculty present?

Yes, we do, sir.

Faculty, stand.

What is the meaning of this?

See, at South Harmon, sir, the students are the teachers.

Aw, this is preposterous.

Students are not and cannot be teachers.

Dean Van Horne is right.

You must have a faculty as defined by the state, or you cannot be accredited.

Mr. Gaines, have you employed a faculty or not?

Um...

Present and accounted for.

Oh, for God's sake.

Dr. Alexander, this man has not been a part of academia for three decades.

We were on the faculty together at Harmon in our late 20s...

...and he washed out.

He's a drunk, he's a degenerate, and he's looney tunes.

Hey, asshole! You're talking about my mom's brother!

Oh, sit down! Okay.

Hey! Why don't you take your PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?

Settle down right this minute!

Dean Lewis! Sit down.

Order!

Couldn't help myself.

So, is that it, Mr. Gaines?

You have one formal teacher for upwards of 300 students?

Mr. Gaines.

Answer the question.

Nah, I'm not gonna answer your question...

'cause you guys have already made up your minds.

I'm an expert in rejection...

...and I can see it on your faces.

And it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look...

...and not by who we are.

Just because you want us to be more like them...

...when the truth is we're not like them.

And I am damn proud of that fact.

Rock on!

I mean...

Harmon College and their... And their 100 years of tradition.

But tradition of what?

Of hazing kids...

...and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different?

Of putting so much pressure on kids...

...they turn into these... These stress freaks and caffeine addicts.

Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!

Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh?

You can have your grades, and your rules...

...and your structure, and your ivory towers...

...and then we'll do things our way.

Why do we have to conform to what you want?

Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.

You know what? You're a criminal.

'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion.

That's the real crime!

Yeah. Maybe he's right.

Well, what about you parents?

Did... Did the system really work out for you?

Did it teach you to follow your heart...

...or to just play it safe, roll over?

What about you guys?

Did you always want to be school administrators?

Dr. Alexander, was that your dream?

Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet.

Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist.

Maybe you just wanted to travel the world.

Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.

I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry.

Dad, especially to you.

But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing.

Life was full of possibilities.

A- A-And isn't that what you ultimately want for us?

As parents, I mean, is... is that, is possibilities.

Well, we came here today to ask for your approval...

...and something just occurred to me.

I don't give a shit!

Who cares about your approval?

We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real.

'Cause there are so few truths in this world...

...that when you see one, you know it.

And I know that it is a truth...

...that real learning took place at South Harmon.

Whether you like it or not, it did.

'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms...

...or... Or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn.

You just need people with a desire to better themselves...

...and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon.

So you can go ahead, sign your forms...

...reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do.

It doesn't really matter at this point.

Because we'll never stop learning...

...and we'll never stop growing...

...and we'll never forget the ideals that were instilled in us...

...at our place.

'Cause we are S.H.I.T. Heads now...

...and we'll be S.H.I.T. Heads forever...

...and nothing you can say or do or stamp...

...can take that away from us! So go!

Go ahead!

Everyone...

...please, quiet down.

Everyone, please quiet down.

Quiet down. Please.

Thank you.

Mr. Gaines...

...your presentation was unorthodox...

...to say the least...

...and your methodology is... questionable at best.

However...

...the true purpose of education is to stimulate the creativity...

...and the passions of the student body.

And in that regard you have certainly succeeded.

This board does not reject innovation...

...but it must be watched carefully.

Therefore...

...the South Harmon Institute of Technology...

...will be granted a one-year probationary period...

...in which to continue its experimental programs.

Don't be so quick to judge us by the way we look.

Congratulations.

Mr. Gaines?

Trombone.

What?

I wanted to play jazz trombone.

It's never too late, sir.

Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. There were just a lot of things in my life...

...that I thought were real that ended up being fake.

So, why can't the opposite be true?

This is not your orientation. This is your disorientation.

You have been orientated for years.

Don't come up to me, go "Where am I gonna get that?"

I'm not interested! You figure it out.

I only wanted big things for you, Bartleby.

I'd say this is pretty big.

Thanks, Dad. Ah!

Thanks, Pop.

Okay, honey, I want you to have a good semester.

Okay, I will. I love you. Lizzie, up top.

Wasn't enthusiastic, but I'll take it.

And I appreciate the smile.

Schrads! Hey, no time for chit-chat, my friend.

I'm teaching "Skepticism 401." Sha-mon!

At South Harmon, we like to begin each semester...

...by clearing our minds and doing some deep breathing.

I got 85 pork tenderloins with balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!

Eddie, we gotta pack these paninis for Rory's nature walk.

Pronto!

And someone get a rabbi down here to bless this chicken.

Tomorrow we're gonna go kosher.

South Harmon actually allowed me the opportunity...

...to rediscover my passion for the arts.

So I urge you guys to do the same. Let it come from the heart.

Let it come from inside. And... And let the art speak for itself.

You agree? Watch... Watch the tip.

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If you're gonna take my picture, you gotta take it from my good side.

Um, so there wouldn't happen to be anybody around...

...that could show me to my new dorm room, would there?

As fate would have it, I recall your room being right next to mine.

Really? They're not adjoining though, right?

Oh, no, no, no. That would be totally unacceptable.

And do me a favor. Enjoy your time here.

You got four years, these are the best years of your life.

And then, you're.


I told you.