CHILDREN: Happy birthday, Carter.
MAN: Here we go, everybody. Happy birthday, pal.
ALL: Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? Are you four?
MELISSA: (YELLING) I hope she chokes on your dick!
Well, at least she gets close to it!
I hate you!
Oh, what a filthy, fat mouth you've got!
MELISSA: You lying piece of shit!
HUGH: She couldn't be bothered to make a cake, she bought it.
MELISSA: I'll call the police again.
HUGH: Now blow out the goddamn candles.
Dave, turn it off. Turn it off.
MELISSA: You can eat your own shit and die!
NARRATOR: Chapter three: Seminal Moments.
On his ninth birthday, a simple wish was made over a store-bought cake.
Stop the madness.
It did not come true.
It's up to you, son. Who do you want to live with?
Six months till Christmas!
NARRATOR: Over the years, he was subject to emotional manipulation.
Open it fast, it's alive. (PUPPY BARKING)
NARRATOR: Character assassination.
I hate to be the one to tell you, sweetie, but Daddy's a homosexual.
NARRATOR: Pressured into unnatural and awkward relationships.
This is Chloe. She's going to be your sister from now on.
NARRATOR: And witness to his parents finding true love, over and over again.
Oh, God, look at you. It's just you and me forever.
NARRATOR: This young man was eager to grow up.
To be free of these people who called themselves parents.
And for a while, he did a pretty good job at convincing the world he'd done just that.
Please, can we not hire any more actresses, no matter how much waiting experience they have.
Hey, Etta, how's your husband? Not dead yet.
Why don't you just slide 29 over to 30?
Because I have a birthday party at 30.
How about 15? Fifteen is good.
Oh, by the way, your brother called. He's such a flirt.
Hello, sir. How are you? Hi.
That table finished their dessert, paid their bill and they've been sitting there for a half-hour!
We're actually setting a new table for you right now.
Good. Okay? Thank you. I'm so sorry.
Word up. Thank you.
We're slammed, Trey, talk fast.
Well, I don't have anywhere to sit, so tell me while I'm standing.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look!
Whoa! Really? I know!
I think you mean "congratulations"?
The phone hasn't stopped. One sec.
I know! I'm so excited.
Wanna get high?
No, I don't wanna get high. Married?
What's it been? Three or four months? Holy shit, yeah, it has been.
Yeah. it's been like four months!
Yeah. That's a huge decision.
Honestly, I just came up with it yesterday.
We were at Costco and she made the fucking funniest joke about this DVD display and I just thought this is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, you know?
(STAMMERING) That's great.
Are you sure you're ready for this, man? I mean, you kind of...
You live in my garage, Trey.
And you don't have a checkbook.
It just feels right.
Okay. That's great. Thanks, man.
TREY: You're not gonna want to do this, but could you talk to Mom and Dad?
About? Coming to a wedding.
You're not having a wedding. Just do a small thing at City Hall.
One witness, no hassle.
I mean, isn't there some sort of traditional Japanese thing you can do?
She's from Palo Alto. I know. But like the old country?
She's third generation.
Trey, Mom and Dad haven't spoken in 20 years.
I know, but if anybody could get them to, it's you.
They listen to you.
They don't really. I mean, I patronize them, so...
Look, things have been pretty good.
We're in a period of real calm here.
You sure you want to take that risk?
It's my wedding.
Please. I mean, if there was ever going to be a day...
Okay. I'll give it a shot.
You're the man. Okay.
You are the Best Man. You get it?
Thanks a lot.
He said okay!
CARTER: All right, guys, who's going to go higher?
Oh, my God, it's so scary.
Don't tell your mom I'm giving you these, there's no actual juice in them.
Look who's here. Okay, one, two, three. Oh, my gosh.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Oh, guys, come on. Whoa!
Hey. How was Rancho De La... Wherever it was you went?
Oh, it's the greatest. It's a first-class joint. I had a manicure.
I can see from here.
Bring me my babies.
Hi. How were they?
They were good.
Pretty interesting park, though. A lot of sharp right angles.
This is a very important park. Do you know I. M. Pei?
His brother comes here.
Carter, I got you something. These are the greatest hats.
Yeah, the greatest.
Put it on. I will. I just...
Come on, put it on. I wanna see what it looks like on your head.
HUGH: Carter, on.
I nailed it. SONDRA: it looks great on you.
Hey, Dad, did you happen to talk to Trey?
Great news, huh? How about that kid?
Well, he wants to have a wedding.
Terrific. I told him, whatever he wants.
Come on, forget the family of the bride pays for this or that.
It's me, because I might only do this once.
So you'll go to a wedding if Mom is there?
No. She can have her own wedding.
Right. But we're probably not going to have two weddings.
I'm gonna throw a first-class party, and then your mother and Captain Fuckface can rent out a KFC in Petersburg.
They can charge admission to cover the fucking cost.
Dad, I'm not asking you to dance with her. Just be in the same room.
If I ever see that woman, I'm going to kick her in the balls.
MELISSA: It's just something every parent dreams of, their child's wedding.
Yeah, I think it's wonderful. I do.
Yeah, me, too. It's just... I don't know, it's too bad.
Oh, it's just too bad they have to elope.
What? No, no! Absolutely not.
Well, Trey doesn't have a choice, Mom.
I mean, unless you and Dad will show up at the same wedding.
I'll elope with them.
Mom, if you go, it's not an elopement.
GARY: It's a destination wedding. That's right.
And, plus, Dad has to go and Sondra.
The Cuntessa is not coming to San Martin.
GARY: Melissa? Will you grab that penlight in the kitchen drawer for me?
(WHISPERING) He's losing his mind. Tie it to yourself.
She usually calms down in 10 to 15 seconds.
Found it. Sorry.
You know what? I'll go to a wedding with your father.
You will? Mmm-hmm.
As soon as he pays me that $485,000 he owes me for my share of the lake house.
Larry Ellis was waterskiing there last weekend and he saw a light on.
Is your father using it? You know he's not allowed to use it.
Mom, no one's been there in 20 years.
Because he's renting it! He's renting it!
Anything he earns on that house, I get half.
That's in the settlement agreement. That's how that works.
You know your father's refusing to put it on the market just to spite me?
That means your father is stealing from your mother.
That must really bother you.
I don't... How does it not bother you?
No, it doesn't seem to.
Please tell me you are not your father's son!
So here's a bit of news. Kieko called me.
Yeah. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. Straighten your back.
I didn't even know they were getting married.
Yeah, I was going to tell you about that.
Trey and Kieko have been together, what, four months?
Yeah, something like that.
And we've been together how long?
Well, that's kind of apples and oranges, if you think about it.
It's four years.
Four years. And I don't even have a key to your apartment.
Look, I've been patient. Really.
But how long do you expect me to wait?
Oh, my God. I totally had you!
You did. Yeah. I had you for a minute.
I'm really excited. I think it's going to be great.
All right, get up. All right, everybody! Gloves on, hands up.
They should be $6, because they are fresh.
Your mom called.
And your dad called, too. Twice.
And we're off.
MELISSA: (ON VOICEMAIL) Carter, it's Mom. I've been thinking, what about a surprise wedding for Trey?
Your father doesn't even have to know about it.
HUGH: (ON VOICEMAIL) Carter, listen, bottom line, if I'm paying she can't come.
She's been suckling at my teat for way too long.
MELISSA: (ON VOICEMAIL) Good news, Carter, Gary has a friend with a boat.
It's a barge. It is big!
HUGH: (ON VOICEMAIL) I'm not saying I'm gonna do it, but if this wedding thing goes south, I can get a restraining order. I will.
MELISSA: (ON VOICEMAIL) Okay, I talked to the boat guy.
His name is Yuri, he's a Russian gentleman...
(BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON VOICEMAIL)
MELISSA: (ON VOICEMAIL) I don't want him there! I will make it hell.
My God, Carter.
I was just thrilled to hear from you.
Come on in. This way. Thank you.
Sorry it's such a mess, I've been really busy.
I'm lecturing here and there, "The Modern Family Dynamic."
And why don't you have a seat right here. I'll move all this.
I just came back from Northwestern... That's great.
...Louisiana State College.
It's a junior college.
Well, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
I didn't want to have to explain everything to someone new.
Well, I haven't seen you since you were 13, so...
Yeah, I know. So tell me about you.
What do you do? Well, I have a restaurant.
On Temple Street? Yeah.
I've eaten there! Great.
I didn't love it, but I'd try it again.
And how is your mom? I always liked her.
You did? Yeah. Very assertive woman.
And your dad, he has a new wife. Something Nordic? Thor?
Oh, no, no, no. Elka's gone.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that.
Oh, no, she didn't die. She just aged.
On to wife number three.
Yeah, Sondra. Not my cup of anything.
But she does own the building that my restaurant's in, so I get a sweet deal on rent.
Oh, good. So tell me, what brings you here?
Well, my brother is getting married.
Oh, I love weddings.
And my parents are being a nightmare already.
And I've kind of forged this fragile peace between them.
"A fragile peace"?
They always made a mess of everything.
Like all holidays, graduations, funerals.
I remember the funeral incident.
And I maintain that funerals need to be about the person who died.
Right. And I got smart. And over the years, I've started coming up with ways to avoid situations like this.
Like Thanksgiving. Who am I going to spend Thanksgiving with?
Well, they think I'm in Honduras building schools with the US Cares program.
But little do they know, the US Cares program doesn't exist, so...
Oh. That sounds real.
Yeah, I kind of got it figured out, but...
I don't know. This wedding, it's risky.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice. Someone to talk to super quick, to figure out how to survive the next few months.
I can absolutely recommend somebody, if I could find a pen.
Well, I thought you, just because you know the whole backstory.
But I'm not a therapist.
But you were my therapist.
Oh, no, no, no. No. Is that what they told you?
I saw you as part of a state-funded study of the effects of divorce on children.
Your mother was referred to me by the courts because of the nature of your parents' divorce.
Oh. I wrote a book about it.
It was on The New York Times Best Seller list for 38 weeks.
It's in its 14th printing.
Margot Kidder did the audio book!
What was the name of that book again?
Well, fuck me.
CARTER: Do you think I walk around like a victim?
I don't think I walk around like a victim.
Do you think I'm a negotiator?
Like I'm constantly trying to keep the peace, even if there's no peace to be kept?
I mean, that's actually written in a sentence.
I mean, that's just bad sentence construction, in my opinion.
Am I living in a shell of insecurity and approval-seeking?
I don't know.
You know what?
Thank you for this.
People are going to think you're my boy toy.
Don't say that. Shall we?
It's better for you at room temperature.
So, I brought you something.
Huh. Yeah, I remember that book.
It's funny, I don't.
You don't? Well, you should keep it.
Your father was running around with every 25-year-old coat check girl in the city.
And you really needed to talk to somebody.
Relax. She didn't use your real name.
You were like Robert or something.
Rob. it's Rick.
So you read it?
According to this, Rick is a total disaster.
You do realize that Rick now owns a successful business and has employees who come to him with their problems.
Mmm-hmm. Rick has a beautiful girlfriend whom he loves. Mmm-hmm.
Carter, please tell me this book is not the reason you brought me here.
Oh, no. It's not.
Put that on a good hanger for me, will you.
All of our hangers are quite good, sir.
Ha, that's cute.
MAITRE D: Right this way, sir.
I pulled the big gun out tonight.
Having dinner with my son.
Mmm, crab. You know they self-amputate?
Hey, buddy. Look.
Shall I open the wine? No!
Yes. Sit down.
Forget it. I'll go.
You leave, he wins.
Right. You go. I cleared a very busy evening to have dinner with my son.
Like I didn't?
You've destroyed this evening. What have you done?
This is ridiculous!
Is it? I don't know. Look around you.
The building is still standing.
You're both in the same room and somehow the universe hasn't folded in on itself.
Holy shit. Now, I brought you both here tonight, because you've turned a nine-year marriage into a hundred-year war.
And I am officially over it.
We're playing by new rules now. Okay?
Trey is getting married. There is going to be a wedding.
Now, you don't have to pay for it, you don't have to organize it, you don't even have to enjoy it. All you have to do is show up, be civil, and for one night, just shut the fuck up.
A pain in the ass, he is.
On, my God. (STAMMERING)
You actually agree on something.
That's fantastic. This is a great start, you guys.
You sit here, you talk. You have a good time together.
I ordered the tasting menu and I paid for it, so bon appétit!
Oh, and FYI, I've never been to Honduras.
Have you had your face done?
I gotta tell you, what you did, that took some balls.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, honestly, I should have straightened them out years ago.
It felt good. All right. So, what's next?
Well, full speed ahead. You plan the wedding you want, Trey.
Awesome! Oh, by the way, we don't want Morn and Dad paying for anything, so don't ask.
Okay. Can Kieko's family help out?
Um... Because I'd be happy to chip in, as well.
Really? Yeah, of course.
(STAMMERING) Dude, I can't thank you enough.
I mean it. Just for all of it.
Well, it's how it should be.
This stuff, it's...
it doesn't have to be so complicated, does it?
All I'm saying is don't leave the classroom without putting shorts on over those shorts. Okay?
Hey, so do male strippers work here or...
Ah, that's Herve, the French spinning instructor.
Herve? Aren't the French supposed to be about leaving a little something to the imagination?
What's with the surprise visit?
Oh, well, I got you a little something. I think you might like it.
Oh, my God.
No! No, no.
Oh, my God, Carter.
I'm sorry, it's a... This is a...
It's just a key.
It's a key? Oh, my God.
It's just a key.
I mean, you said you wanted a key for my apartment.
Right, right, right.
Right! You scared me. Sorry.
It's an antique chain.
It's really nice. Do you see the beads?
Your step-mom sent this over with instructions to hang it.
What is it? it's her painting.
Apparently, yes. Okay. Take it down.
Oh, no. I can't.
She threatened to sell the place to Dunkin' Donuts if we did that.
Is that Sondra? What do you think she's crying about?
The painting she's in.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Hi!
The homeless are getting so aggressive these days.
What the hell?
Hello. Hi! Whitegrass. Is that Indian?
Is it the healthy drink that you have with ginger sometimes?
That's wheatgrass. Oh, yeah.
That's so funny. So what are you doing here?
Yeah, well, listen. I realized something after you left the other day and I had to tell you.
Oh, thank you. No, it's fine. Yeah, I'm fine.
It turns out seeing you and seeing your book, it kind of got me going.
And I confronted my parents, and set them straight and showed them who's boss.
Yeah, really. I'm great, actually. So...
Definitely not that kid from your book.
Well, of course you aren't.
You were a kid back then. Which got me to thinking.
There's no current research about people like you.
People like me? ACODs.
Adult Children of Divorce.
I'm getting in touch with the other subjects from my book for a follow-up. A sequel.
A 20-year study of a generation unique to the American landscape.
Carter, do you realize you were the least parented, least nurtured generation ever?
Sorry. I'm going to be in another book?
Oh, yes. No, no, no, no, no.
What are you afraid of? I'm not afraid of anything.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) I can assure you of that.
Carter, listen to me. When you were a little boy, your parents turned to you for emotional support.
They thrust you into the center of their divorce.
In my book, I called it "parentification."
But look at you now, as an adult. You're well-adjusted, you're successful, you're responsible.
Look, you're the owner of the Wheatgrass.
You're dressing sharp, you have a great haircut.
I want to tell that story, Carter.
It is a better story. Infinitely. It's inspiring.
I can set the record straight about "Rick"?
Now, I'm free most days, but Friday at 1:00 is really good for me.
How about you? (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Can you give me just a second? Sure.
Hey, Sondra, what's up?
SONDRA: Hey, how is the father-son retreat going?
When's your tee time?
Where are you?
I'm at my sorority reunion at Cornell.
You went to Cornell?
Shocking, Carter. Put your father on.
Oh, my God, JJ, you look amazing! You're so skinny.
(STAMMERING) He's at the pro shop.
Well, go get him.
I... I can't.
Just yell his name.
I'm getting my clubs cleaned.
Can I have him call you right back?
Oh, my God, forget it.
Just tell him I look really good, that I look better than a lot of people here.
Who was that? On the phone?
Yeah. My chef. He just needs peppers...
Why don't I clear the whole day on Friday?
I'm so happy to be working with you again, Carter.
Have you talked to Dad?
Yeah. He's home sick.
So you talked to him?
Yeah, we were supposed to go tux shopping for the greatest tux ever, and he called and said he was shitting fire.
All right, thanks.
(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
Jesus! Shit! Shit!
I should have turned on the alarm.
And shoulders. Good. Relax.
I need to talk to you!
Carter! I need to talk to you right now!
I'm gonna use the door.
I am so sorry.
Please excuse me for one minute. I'm gonna be right back.
Okay, how about we take 50 deep breaths.
One hundred deep breaths. Okay? I'll be right back.
They were on the breakfast bar.
On the breakfast table? Yes!
That is insane! I know.
Are you sure that's what they were doing?
I saw my dad's butt.
How? it was moving.
Look, she'd never been there before. He had to give her directions.
They talked on the phone, or texted or sexted. Or some disgusting thing.
They planned this. it was planned. They planned this.
Wow, that must have been some make-up sex.
TREY: So these are all your uncles? KIEKO: I have three.
So we'll put Yoshi, Nakata, and Paul at this table.
KIEKO: Um, Yoshi's in jail. TREY: Seriously?
KIEKO: Or maybe he's out. We don't keep in touch.
TREY: We should find out, so we don't offend anyone.
I know, but...
TREY: Do we have to invite him? KIEKO: Um, no.
Oh, hey, you're up.
What's going on?
We're mocking up seating charts for the reception.
Okay, so, originally, we had thought we would have Mom's table over here, and Dad's table way over here, and then this is three generations of Kobayashis.
Yellow was the only other color we had.
Yeah, I just thought...
(LAUGHING) What are the odds?
But thanks to your handiwork, we had thought maybe we could have Mom and Dad's tables, next to each other or...
A family table?
My parents and your parents all sit together?
Well, no, it's okay. We're gonna do a dry run first, because her parents want to meet Mom and Dad before the wedding anyway.
No. I mean, it won't be a big deal.
Not a big dinner. Just tea or something.
No, no, look, Mom and Dad should go here and here, and they are not to interact in any capacity at any time.
Do you understand?
Okay, look, Lauren and I will go to tea, okay?
She likes tea.
She likes weird tea, like rooibos and oolong and all that bullshit, okay?
It'll be awesome. All right, I mean...
Oh, that's Gary.
Yeah, he called earlier saying he needed to talk to me and you.
I told him to swing by.
Oh, no, no, no. No, don't let him up. We're not here.
I just let him up.
No, no, no, but don't buzz him up.
There's not an unbuzz button.
(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)
TREY: Hey, what up, G?
What's up, T?
When did that start?
It's recent, but it makes me feel like I'm in my 50s.
Can I sit? Actually, I have to step out.
GARY: Chill, Carter. This will just take a second.
Kieko, do you mind if I talk to the boys alone?
Yeah, of course.
I'm not very good at this stuff, but it's important and a little awkward.
You guys mean a lot to me.
You're my family.
Okay, look, Trey doesn't know, okay?
He doesn't know.
What are you talking about? Shh.
I just want to be a part of this.
So consider it an anonymous donation.
This should take care of the reception and maybe some top-shelf liquor.
G does not drink rail.
Okay, look, Gary, no.
Look, what I mean to say is, it's very nice of you, Gary, but it's just not the right time.
Yes, it is. Well...
Well, sure it is. Okay.
Look, I know you want to do it all on your own.
Your mom used the word "commandeered."
But, I mean, this is what family's about.
This is so nice, Gary. Thank you. All right?
I got to get to the gym. Your mom's getting in shape for the wedding.
Get this. She canceled lunch yesterday to do Pilates.
Oh, is that what they're calling it?
GARY: Have a good day.
What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna go talk to him. Hurry back.
Come on, come on.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
I told her I'd talk to you about adding a kids' menu.
I'm not gonna nod.
Come on, nod, nod.
Hope you don't mind me dropping by unexpected.
I tried calling you 10 times.
I turned my phone off. It's a classy move.
Look, what you saw at the house, not that it's any of your business...
Well, you made it my business when you pretended to spend the day with me.
Oh, listen, Carter, I love you like a son.
I am your son.
Your mom and I saw each other at dinner, and we had a few bottles of wine, a very nice Chateau d'Yquem.
And, you know, we never had a physical problem.
The sex was always good.
You know what? That's what you said about Elka.
No, no, no, no. Elka, no. That was epic.
It was epic sex.
Why are you bringing Elka into this?
Look, what happened was an accident.
It was just a one-time thing. We got a little carried away.
Your mother threw herself at me.
She's not a strong woman. I mean, come on, you of all people know that.
Look, not gonna happen again. Huh?
Buddy, never happen again.
So what do you say? Let's pretend like it didn't. Okay?
Because we don't want to upset a whole lot of people, do we?
Huh? Do we?
Do you think you can man up?
Are you serious?
Come on. Fine. I'm a man.
Terrific. Terrific. Terrific.
JUDITH: Now that you're an adult, what impact does your parents' behavior have on you?
My life and my parents' life are completely separate.
They have nothing to do with each other.
Well, I don't believe you.
But we don't have to talk about your parents.
Why don't we talk about you? Is that okay?
How'd you end up in the restaurant business?
Oh, I just kind of fell into it.
I always worked in restaurants to make extra money.
They were always really poorly run.
It's like people doing cocaine in the kitchen and people doing cocaine at the front of the house, and, man, there was a lot of cocaine.
People just love cocaine.
So I always thought if I had my own place, I could do it better.
Bring in my own people and...
Your own little family.
Yeah, except I could fire the ones I didn't like.
You said you had a girlfriend. Her name is Lauren? Tell me about her.
Lauren and I have a great thing.
We never fight and there's no chaos, and she's really even and fun.
But? I didn't say "but."
You didn't say the word, okay? Don't pick nits with me, all right?
This isn't gonna work if you're picking at everything I say.
I mean, she's not always realistic about how families really work.
I mean, her parents have been married for, like, 35 years
(WHISTLES) and they celebrate every anniversary with a party.
Have you ever been to a 34th anniversary?
It's a lot like a 33rd.
So, where do you see your relationship with Lauren going?
My brother jumped in, and my parents, I mean, they spent their whole lives being hasty and irrational.
So you're afraid of making the same mistakes your parents made.
I'm gonna call that "echoing." Echoing.
Don't write that down. I love it.
No, it's not echoing.
I'm writing the book. I'm sorry?
Okay, so I'll decide if echoing is in the book or not.
And I just coined a new term, and I think it's clever.
I got what I needed. Thank you.
And I'll see you next week. This is great.
How'd it go?
It was... What?
Did she make you cry?
Oh, are you...
You must be Claire.
Why not Yvette?
Well, I don't know. I always pictured Yvette black.
Because her father ran off with her basketball coach?
A little racist. Yep.
You have got to be Rick.
I'm not. I'm not Rick.
You're totally Rick.
I am totally not Rick. I'm Kevin.
Kevin dropped out of high school, became a devout Muslim, and moved to Pakistan.
Exactly. Yeah, I just got back from my pilgrimage two weeks ago, and just figuring it all out, trying out this sweater.
It feels good.
Got to shave my beard, so that feels good.
Did the cops really show up on your ninth birthday?
Yeah, but it wasn't a big deal.
I got to get in there.
I'm gonna start off with a little incest anecdote.
Just to throw her off her game.
Catch you later, Rick.
Hey, do you think Glen should wear a tux?
Gary's son, Glen.
I asked him to officiate the wedding.
Yeah, I mean, I just figured it's the least I could do.
Since Gary's been so generous.
Glen lives in Alaska, Trey.
I know, but he's a pastor or a deacon.
Captain of a fishing boat.
Right, so he can marry people.
Yeah, on a boat.
Yeah, maritime law. He can marry us.
You've never even met him.
Well, I know, but he's family. This will be a good way to get to know him.
The more, the merrier.
All right. We look like a couple of riverboat gamblers, like Burt Reynolds, huh? (CLAPS)
You're up, buddy.
Get in there. Stop.
This whole marriage thing is easy for you.
Well, you've seen Kieko. She's smoking hot.
And when she gets pregnant, she's gonna stay hot, because Japanese women carry it all in their bellies.
There might be a little spillover to the boobs, but that's it.
You shouldn't share that theory with anyone.
She knows it. Just...
Dad was supposed to be here a half hour ago.
TREY: Hey, it's Trey. Is my dad around?
What's wrong? He's been at a tux fitting all morning.
Call her at the office.
TREY: Hey, Lorraine, it's Trey. ls Mom there?
Oh, wow, Pilates again.
Okay, thanks anyway. Bye.
I mean, do you have any idea how long a Pilates class lasts?
It's like an hour. Maybe an hour and a half.
And my mom has been gone for three hours.
Is that not weird to you?
Does that not raise any red flags whatsoever?
Things are slow.
Our industry's dying.
Down, down, down, down!
Where are the stairs?
What are you doing?
What are you gonna do? Run me...
Why are you reading it?
It's probably Trey's. He's always leaving his crap around.
These poor kids.
One of them, he had this awesome drum set, but his mom wouldn't let him play it, because it was a gift from his dad.
So it just sat in the garage unused, like it was taunting him or something.
So, my brother is spearheading the song this year for my parents' party.
What anniversary is this?
You should probably get up.
You going somewhere?
Tea with the Kobayashis.
Oh, shit, that's tonight.
(STAMMERING) I'm not going.
You dragged me into it. I don't even like tea.
Carter, it's a thrill to finally meet you.
Helping the kids with the wedding the way you have, it's really above and beyond.
Oh, well, what option did I have, really?
I love these two. But who are we kidding?
They're just a couple bad decisions away from sleeping beneath an underpass, am I right?
Mrs. Kobayashi, that necklace is incredible.
Oh, I made it for her.
She also made this for me.
TREY: I know, right?
Room for one more in here?
TREY: Oh, my gosh, you made it!
HUGH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dad, this is Mr. and Mrs. Kobayashi.
Oh, hi, hi.
Nice to meet you, too.
You must be Ellen.
Come, sit. Please.
Hey, sweetheart. Hi, you look beautiful.
Hi, guys. You made it.
Sorry I'm late. Mom?
What are you doing here?
I should ask you, what are you doing here?
Trey called me and told me about this very important meeting.
He called me as well.
I never thought you would both show up.
MELISSA: As long as we're here...
HUGH: Completely by coincidence.
We may as well act maturely.
I don't totally agree with you, but you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to try to agree with you more as time goes on, so that we can be more civil.
What the hell?
MELISSA: Oh, come on.
Food looks good here, doesn't it?
Watashi wa Melissa.
Hello, I'm Gene. Nice to meet you.
Nice English. Your turn.
Watashi wa Melissa.
Yes, my name is Ellen.
What else can you say?
Two, two and a half?
Three, right. All right, three.
So Trey was crying like a little girl.
Trey was such a sensitive little boy, terrified of everything.
Oh, my Lord, spiders, shoelaces, the mailman.
I just picked him up, and I just threw him in the fucking lake.
Without the water wings.
Because it's sink or swim time, right, Trey, buddy?
We saved at least $400 in swimming lessons.
I don't even remember this.
Yeah, because it was me.
The water wings, that was me. I was five. I almost drowned.
It was hilarious.
What? By the time Trey was old enough to swim, you guys weren't even married anymore.
You were way divorced.
I guess just as divorced as you are right now.
Well, let's eat. KIEKO: Good idea.
TREY: Who wants sticky buns? KIEKO: I do.
You know what, actually, I need to get some air.
(CLATTERS) Oh, God.
TREY: Not cool, man.
MRS. KOBAYASHI: That's all right. It's okay. No, I...
So you had to shit all over the water wings story.
You said it was a one-time thing.
So you're actually gonna stand here and look me in the eye and...
Wow, you're really good at lying. What?
Hugh, forget it. He knows.
He's been spying on us.
At the zoo?
So, wait a second, you guys are actually having a full-on affair?
I don't know what to call it.
Well, what did you call it when you busted him with a six-foot Swede named Elka?
How is that relevant?
"How is that relevant?" Have you forgotten the last 20 years?
You hate each other.
Carter, I know you think you know better. That's a trait you get from your father.
I do know better.
But the heart wants what the heart wants.
We are very confused, so we're going to Wildwood this weekend, and we're gonna figure it all out.
There's a bluegrass festival, and we're going to...
No, Crystal Lake, and it's jazz.
What happened to Wildwood?
I couldn't get the rate on the room, so...
And when were you gonna tell me? I'm telling you now.
No, you weren't gonna tell me. Yeah, I was...
You were not. I have to drag it out of you.
It's like pulling teeth!
You're not going anywhere, either of you. You are staying here.
Do you hear me? You stop it, now, both of you.
Invitations just went out for Trey's wedding, based on the assumption that you are both married to other people.
How in the world is he supposed to have any faith whatsoever in the whole stupid idea of marriage, if you two just keep making a joke out of it?
Stop it right there.
You've never been married, and you've never been divorced, so you do not know what commitment is.
You don't know.
The most in love I've ever seen you is with that mangy little dog you had.
Don't, don't... You keep Blackie out of this.
No, I was right there, Carter.
All right, all right. You weren't there.
Are you gonna let him talk to me this way?
(BOTH ARGUING) Shh. Quiet. Be quiet.
We're in a Japanese restaurant. Stop it, please.
Now you get your ass back inside and you apologize to the Takahashis.
Come on. Come on.
You can just never stop parenting.
Yeah, can't let it go.
You were great.
Do we have to go back? No, no, come on.
What a nice surprise.
What's up, "C"?
Gary, where does Mom keep all that stuff that she never throws out, the pictures and the letters and all the lawsuits and legal stuff?
In the garage. Hope you have a few days.
Hey, I don't know if you heard the news, but Trey is getting married.
And, well, Elka, I had this really cool, really fun idea that I thought you would love.
I'm gonna call you back.
Yes. I didn't know you still talked.
We don't. I just had this idea that maybe if my dad were to bump into Elka even for a second, he would get that look in his eye, the panther, and my mom would be an afterthought.
Um, I really think you need to take a step back.
What do you mean?
They're adults. Let them handle it.
Oh, no, no, no, see? I'm the adult. Okay?
And, once again, I need to remind them that they do not, under any circumstances, belong together.
Them together is bad for everyone.
Makes sense. I mean, how could Rick turn out any other way?
It was in the book, the one that you lied about.
Dr. Judith came by. She had some questions for me.
She had a lot of questions.
You gotta be kidding me.
How come you can't tell me about this, about any of it?
Because I just...
I can't believe she would go behind my back.
I mean, do you know that she's not an actual doctor?
That she just does research? Right.
Like, as a job?
She just digs and digs and digs and...
I know it's a weird way to wear a hat, but it just feels comfortable.
She told me she wants me to wear a wedding ring, but I said the only ring I wear goes in my eyebrow.
What does this have to do with anything?
Carter. I don't have you on my schedule.
Yeah, well, I figured, once you started snooping around behind my back, all formalities were off.
I can see you're very upset.
What, are you a therapist now?
Oh, and by the way, don't let the new couch fool you or the new chair. What is it?
It's a knockoff of an Eames chair.
That's not the point. That's not why I was saying that.
Oh, my God. You're Rick.
Mark a.k.a. Louis.
Louis with the au pair and the stutter.
Stutter's gone. I did marry the au pair.
Can I just say, the birthday story, such a heartbreaker.
I mean, a seminal moment in my life, and it's not even my life.
Oh, all right.
Could you just give us a moment, okay?
You, outside. Stay.
Is this about Lauren?
Yeah. Yeah? Okay. Well, sorry.
I was just trying to get a full picture.
No, it's fine. Really?
Thing is you're barking up the wrong tree.
If I were you, I would go to the source.
I would talk to my parents.
Pound them with questions, really dig.
See this box?
This will help you.
It's pictures, letters, legal documents.
You should show it to them and ask them all about it.
Okay, thank you, and I will do that.
Before the weekend.
Hey, Lauren's really nice.
You've been keeping a lot of secrets from her, though, huh?
Who does that remind you of?
You are incredibly unprofessional.
Get on it.
Trivia night. Trivia night?
Trivia night. What's that?
Do you work here?
Kind of. It's my place.
I'm sorry. I'm Carter.
So how do you two know each other?
Well, we're part of a...
Book club. Book club.
We're in a book club together.
That's right. We're just finishing The Importance of Being Earnest.
That's a play.
It's a progressive book club.
All right, well, check's paid. You want to go?
Um, actually, you know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and chat with Carter because there's a few things about the play that I didn't quite get.
That's a farce.
They farced the moral disintegration of Victorian England.
I didn't actually read it.
I'll call you later.
Nice meeting you. You, too.
Thanks. Oh, you're welcome.
That was my ex-husband.
That was your ex-husband. Ol' Man River?
I actually think he's quite sexy.
(STAMMERING) I do, too. I was just...
So if you own the place, then the wine's free?
CARTER: That lake house was everything when I was a kid.
The drive up there, the smell of the lake.
We had this bell, this rusty, super loud bell.
It was from a ship or something.
We could only ring it when we first arrived.
It was just kind of awesome. I don't know.
Never been back. Not since my ninth birthday.
My parents sort of sucked the joy right out of it, you know?
Fuck them. Yeah.
How old were you when you got married?
It only lasted three years.
But I got engaged twice after that.
Wait a second. I just figured out who you are in the book.
Had her first boyfriend when she was nine.
You are Claire. Right?
I have two dogs that need to go out, so I'm gonna go.
Okay. Yeah. Sure.
Thanks. This was...
Oh, no, thank you. it was nice talking to you.
Yeah. You, too. All right.
Ow! Careful, careful.
I forgot my purse.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Those look so good.
Oh, no, no, don't.
Don't you dare.
All right. I'll have it.
Oh. Okay. Okay.
Three, one, four, and two.
I totally agree. I'm so excited!
Hey, what do you think?
About the cake. What's your pick?
Oh, God, it's such a tough choice. Um...
They all taste the same, and no one will like them.
I don't get you, man.
Look, if you're against this wedding, you just need to come out and say that.
Well, then what is it?
Things are just kind of out of control right now, okay?
I don't know what that means.
Well, it means that you don't want to know, okay?
So don't worry about it.
You can tell me. I'm a grown man, Carter.
Mom and Dad are together. What?
That's right. I may have accidentally gotten them back together.
So there you go.
Together, together? Yeah.
What do we do about this? What should we do?
I don't know. I'm out of ideas.
So why don't you take the reins, okay?
I got my own problems.
They're saying multiple code violations and not having a proper lease filed.
(WHISPERS) What the fuck?
You're out. One week.
Your mother? That's just sad.
Okay, Sondra, I know that you're upset, and I actually don't blame you, but I don't think we should do anything rash here.
(STAMMERING) I mean, both of you, you're just...
You're so terrific together.
Are you fucking serious, Carter?
You've hated me from day one. You call me the Cuntessa.
I don't think I called you that. That's terrible. I hate that.
Excuse me, will you be careful with that? It's very valuable.
Sondra, let me buy you out, please.
Okay? I can get money. I can get a loan of some sort, and I can't kick all these people to the street.
Okay. Okay? Really?
Great. $100 million.
Do you know how many men I could have married?
A lot of men.
And I married your father, who had an adult son the same age as me.
I'm a year younger than you.
You think? Yeah.
You didn't spend five minutes getting to know who I was.
You just treated me like some unwelcomed guest.
Maybe in another time we would have been friends.
You have a week to get out of here.
You know what, Sondra?
I'm dying here, man. You got to move those accounts now.
I don't know. The Caymans? Delaware?
Yeah, Delaware, I saw a thing on the Internet about it.
I'll call you back. Numbnuts is here.
You dumb son of a bitch.
You dumb, dumb, dumb son of a bitch.
I mean, there's a reason we used you as a go-between all these years.
Your brother sucks at it.
He told her? No, he e-mailed me to see if what you said was true to an account that I share with Sondra.
Okay, well, I wouldn't have done that.
You don't end a marriage like this, son.
I could have made her miserable.
I could have gotten her to leave me.
Do you have any idea how much cheaper that is?
Guess who's here.
We were hoping to hold all this off until after Trey's big day.
Darling, you know Daddy and I did not want it to go this way.
You told me it was okay to plan my wedding.
I thought it was.
Well, Kieko is pissed.
She wants to postpone.
The guest list is blown to shit.
Sandra's really pissed.
Yeah, and I already sent Gary's money to that DJ in Tel Aviv.
You think those guys give refunds?
Listen, Carter, you knew about this the whole time.
Why didn't you just tell me?
Because I was trying to protect you.
Well, since when is that your job?
Since when is it my job? Yeah.
Trey, let me tell you something.
The reason you're so clear-headed about getting married is because I shielded you from these two your whole life, which, by the way, almost didn't happen.
That's right. You were a last-ditch effort to save this marriage.
I mean, you're not even a person.
You're a Hail Mary.
That's a stupid lie.
Darling, you were an accident.
Carter, you couldn't have timed this any worse.
Yeah, I agree. I think he's jealous.
Kieko thinks you're jealous.
How long have you been going with Lauren?
Oh, since the beginning of time.
Exactly. We're in the game. And he's on the sidelines.
Yeah. No, wait a second.
I'm in the game. Carter, you have to stop pissing on our love parade.
I can't... I don't even...
You know what?
You people, I want all of you out of my garage.
(GARAGE DOOR LIFTING)
I quit this family.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Ah, fuck you.
(GIGGLING) They can't.
MR. STRINGER: Needless to say, I kept that ticket stub.
And so, 37 years later, here we are, surrounded by our dearest friends and best of all, our children.
Cynthia and her incredible husband David, Tyler and the beautiful Maureen, Lauren and Carter.
And, Kate, because of you, I fear nothing.
Sweetie. Thank you.
Thank you all. (APPLAUSE)
That was a little louder than I thought.
Steve, that was a great speech.
That was really nice.
And I've been to several of these now, your anniversary parties, and, um, I never quite honestly appreciated them.
I guess I always just sort of looked forward to the food, and I have something to share with you.
And it's sort of...
Carter, you shouldn't have.
Oh, well, I didn't, Mr. Stringer.
This is actually for Lauren.
Um, maybe later?
No, I think right now is a good time.
What is it?
I'm not gonna tell you.
That's kind of the point, right?
How about we make it official?
ALL: Ohhh. (LAUGHTER)
I think it's about time.
I feel like you should be slightly more elated.
That was the most public display of personal crisis I've ever seen.
What are you trying to prove?
I'm not trying to prove anything.
Just looking for some, I don't know, some stability.
Marriage is not stability.
Stability is stability.
What are you talking about?
Look at the people in that room, Lauren.
What do they have to do with me?
I'm not them. Well...
I don't even know where this is coming from.
I mean, why now?
We're not in a good place.
We are in a weird place.
No, that's all done.
I worked through all that, and I'm...
Carter, you didn't even ask me to marry you.
You said, "Let's make it official."
Let's not. Not now.
JUDITH: You skipped your last two appointments.
You aren't returning my calls.
Uh, I'm avoiding you.
We're just getting started.
No, you're just getting started.
I just got a six-figure advance.
They don't give those things out for nothing.
We have something real here.
Yeah, it's called my life.
And I want you to stop messing with it, okay?
I'm not a fucking lab rat.
Millions of people have been helped by my research.
And my next book will help millions more.
Okay, you were supposed to help me.
I know. I tried. I tried to do both, and I couldn't.
But, Carter, when you walked into my office that first day, everything about you just screamed possibility.
But you said I was so together.
Well, I had to say that.
A scientist only gets an opportunity like this once in a lifetime.
I'm a scientist. You're data.
You were so sure.
You were so confident that you had escaped the chaos of your childhood.
But you're growing now, and growth is painful.
What kind of a doctor are you?
I brought this back for you. Take a look at it.
It explains so much.
Not about your parents.
Hey, you want to quit, Carter? Go ahead.
But sooner or later, you're gonna have to deal.
What are you doing here?
Your mother and I...
We actually used to use the place.
Yeah. All the time.
I repainted the canoe.
I just thought I'd do some fishing.
Clears my head.
Look, Gary, I'm really sorry.
Well, listen, my first two marriages ended far worse.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm, uh...
Just having an existential crisis.
Want to come fishing?
HUGH: I don't see him.
Maybe he's in the water.
Carter, what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
TREY: Honey, it's all over the car.
You don't smell it?
I do, but I like it.
It's all over the front of my pants. It fell down.
Who invited him?
I don't know. He's just here.
Trey, get those ribs in the fridge, please.
Okay, what is going on?
We're here for the night, just kind of a family getaway.
You quit us, remember?
Darling, you need some help with those?
No, no, I got 'em. I got 'em.
Sweetie, put some of these on a plate with some bread, and we'll get some hors d'oeuvres going.
Bread and a plate. Let's get this party started.
Carter, hope you're hungry.
What the hell is he doing here?
They've been coming for years.
They what? No, no.
Maybe once or twice.
On the ride up here, you said you barely remember the place.
Yeah, I barely remember the place with you.
You Google-mapped directions.
I should probably go.
SONDRA: I knew it.
The security company called and said the alarm had been tripped.
Is she speaking to us?
I'm sorry. There's an alarm?
Yes, we added it a couple months ago.
HUGH: It was her idea.
What other improvements has she made to my house?
Well, Melissa, if you actually need to know, we added a new septic system, and I crocheted a few blankets.
Yes, asshole, I crochet.
I also finished all the puzzles in the house.
Wait a second. Am I the only one that hasn't been coming here?
We camped. But we never came in the house.
Yeah, he made me pee under the porch.
SONDRA: Believe it or not, Hugh and I had some happy memories here.
And I had big plans for this place.
A third bedroom upstairs, an outdoor shower...
HUGH: Oh, boy.
You'll never get this house.
You haven't met my lawyer.
Well, Hugh and I are very good at tying it up in court, aren't we, Hugh?
Oh, well, yeah.
May I attempt to be a voice of reason?
Shut up, Gary.
Don't tell Gary to shut up, please.
Dick. MELISSA: Gary!
He is a dick. I had Carter out of his restaurant in 12 hours.
I'll have all of you out of here in six.
What's up, Trey?
Ah, this is fun.
Mom, how hard is it to set up a guest room?
Can you put Daddy on the phone?
Daddy, it's happening again.
I don't know. Just send me a plane ticket.
Make sure it's an aisle seat.
Look, I'm so sorry we didn't invite you.
Oh, dude... I wanted to.
Mom and Dad would not let me invite you.
That's... He took my phone.
They're like fucking children. Yeah.
I don't know how you've put up with them all these years.
Trey, I am sorry I messed up your wedding.
No. You didn't.
No, no one did.
It was just bad timing.
Kieko thought that you didn't like her, but then I showed her that book that you're in, and now she does not care what you think.
Do you smell something? (SNIFFING)
Nature, man. Let's look at it.
What the hell?
Holy shit! Holy shit!
Holy shit! Holy shit, holy shit!
Water! We need water!
Why? What's the matter? Kieko, call 611.
Why? What's wrong?
Tupperware bowls, we need water.
Guys, just shut up.
There is a fire.
And it is right outside.
If you say "fire..."
Why did you say "water"?
Are you serious? Fill it up.
Oh, my God, the house is on fire.
I think Carter started it.
Where's my purse?
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
FIRE CHIEF: All right, folks, there's really nothing left to salvage.
You got some canoes and some fishing gear.
So whose place is it?
Well, it's very big of you, Hugh, but I got what I came for.
I'll buy it.
I'll buy it as is.
Sold. Knock yourself out.
Okay. Let's go.
Bacon and eggs on Gary. Come on.
Thanks, Gary. I'm kidding. Come on, Gary.
GARY: I'll take the canoes if nobody wants 'em.
SONDRA: Go for it, Gary. HUGH: 80 bucks for the pair.
MELISSA: Lock up on your way out, Carter.
Still got the view.
JUDITH: Children of divorce experience certain moments unique to them and ones that they'll never forget.
This is the very first generation to grow up with divorce, not as the exception, but as a fact of life for nearly every other house on the block.
They don't have healthy relationship models to follow, just hard lessons in whatnot to do.
I believe these six people are the brave pioneers of a brand-new world.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Folks, I'll be signing books in the back, but, please, no personalizations.
I don't sign them all.
(STAMMERING) You're here.
Well, I read a review of the book, and I had to get my copy signed, so...
Well, get in line.
When I found that woman, she was in the gutter.
JUDITH: Thank you.
WOMAN: It's inspirational.
Hey, do you want to take a walk or...
(CHURCH BELL RINGING)
When I was in the army, I was a courier.
And we were on a stopover in the Azores.
We were delivering a diplomatic pouch or something to Prague.
And the thing about Portuguese whores is some are born in Portugal, but some are born in Africa.
It's a real mix.
Anyway, I end up meeting this great gal, Lydia.
She took me home. Met her mom and dad.
She had a couple of kids.
We had dinner. This delicious bacalhau.
Just the greatest.
And afterwards, we were sitting on this veranda sipping sherry, and the moonlight kicking off the harbor, perfect breeze.
And I remember thinking, "Maybe I could just stay here.
"Maybe this is exactly where I'm supposed to be."
And I've had that feeling at least 10 times in my life.
(SIGHS) Hey, you boys ready?
This is really happening.
You better believe it.
Let's do this thing.
I am an ACOD.
Yes, I am an adult child of divorce.
I am an ACOD.
I am an ACOD. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old.
My parents were divorced when I was five, they were not in love.
Technically, I'm not an adult child of divorce.
I was an adult when my parents got divorced.
I am an ACOD.
I am an ACOD. I feel like everyone probably is, on the set.
I'm not an ACOD.
I am not an ACOD. My parents have been married for 31 years.
I am not an ACOD. My parents are still happily married.
They met when they were in eighth grade.
I am not an ACOD. My parents were married for 31 years, happily married the whole time, but my dad was married four times before my mom.
Yeah, I'm an adult child of divorce, yes.
Uh, my parents got divorced when I was 18 years old.
Uh, my parents separated when I was 12 months old.
And, uh, got divorced when I was five.
I don't ever remember my parents being together.
They were divorced by the time I was five.
Four, five, six, something like that.
I have a half-brother who's 13 years older than I am.
And I have a step-mom and a step-dad.
My mom got remarried, and divorced again, and my dad is still a bachelor. It's really awesome.
My parents got divorced when I was, gosh, five or six.
Uh, I've never known what it's like for them to be together.
And, uh, it's pretty much exactly like this movie, they've never been able to talk and I've always been the middleman.
Parents divorced when I was 11.
Uh, remarried when I was 17 and 18.
They've been divorced for 15 years, and they act like they never even knew each other.
They act like they can't be in the same room with one another.
I don't get it.
It was horrible, the divorce, and I ended up living with my mother, and being the one that was in charge of everyone.
I wanted to live with my dad, but I fought and fought and fought, and I couldn't do it, so I just stayed here with my mom, and I still haven't seen my dad in 25 years.
My mom remarried when I was about four or five, and my dad remarried about the same time.
And they hated each other the whole time.
That was my mother's second husband, my father's first wife.
My mother was then remarried again for 13 years.
Uh, lam still the only child as far as that's concerned.
My father got remarried 20 years ago and I have a step-sister, who I don't really have a relationship with.
My parents never got remarried. My dad was gay.
Well, my father asked my mother for a divorce.
But she died before she could get one.
My dad is on, well, technically, number five.
And, uh, mom never remarried.
And, uh, I'm hoping to break the curse.
My parents were divorced when I was 10 years old, but I still believe in marriage, and, one day, I will find the right one.
I don't ever want to get married.
I'm an ACOD, I'm never getting married, either.
Now, I don't think I would want to get married, just because in my experience, the marriage didn't work out.
I'm not getting married.
CAMERAMAN: Ever? Never.
I have been married twice and divorced twice.
I have been married.
CAMERAMAN: How many times? Twice.
I don't like marriage, never did, never will.
I've been going with a guy for 40 years, but I told him, "Don't ever mention marriage."
I think marriage is sacred.
I think it's something not to be taken lightly, and I think it can be something amazing.
I feel good about marriage myself, because I'm getting married in two days.
I am not married. I have better sense than that, sir.
Marriage? I am married, but, uh...
I don't know. I'm not too romantic about it.
I want to get married, but I am divorced.
I don't want to get married someday. No, not really.
CAMERAMAN: No? Why?
Why? Because I've never seen one that's worked.
Never seen any