Act Naturally (2011) Script


HELLO, THERE.

RUSTY CARTER. PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

I OFFICIALLY REGRET HAVING EYES.

WHO WANTS A DRINK?

[GIRLS] NO THANKS.

FINE, FINE. MORE FOR ME.

HAVE A SEAT, YOUNG LADIES.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[PHONE DIALING BEEPS]

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

HEY, IS THIS, UM, LEAH COLLINS?

YES, IT IS, MAY I ASK WHO'S CALLING?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THIS OR WHATEVER.

YOUR DAD DIED.

HE'S...DEAD.

WHAT?

OK. WHO IS THIS?

IT'S CHARLIE TILLERMAN.

YOU KNOW, HIS OTHER DAUGHTER.

I'M SORRY.

DID YOU JUST SAY CHARLIE TILLERMAN?

YEAH.

OK. IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY DAD.

OH, WOW.

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

ANYWAY, HE DIED IN A BOATING ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING AND THIS LAWYER GUY CALLED.

HE SAID WE HAVE TO GO DOWN TO ARIZONA TO FILL OUT SOME PAPERWORK AND PACK UP HIS SHIT.

OH, AND WE GOTTA TO DRIVE BECAUSE THERE'S JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF AND WE CAN'T FIT IT ALL ON A PLANE.

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

SO, THIS IS REAL?

YEAH.

WE GOTTA GO PACK UP HIS STUFF.

[WHISPERS] OH MY GOD.

HELLO? ARE YOU STILL THERE?

YEAH, I'M STILL HERE. I'M JUST...

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

I'M LOOKING AT MY CALENDAR AND IT SAYS THAT MY DAD WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD HE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF THAT WE HAVE TO BRING BACK.

I HAVE NO IDEA EITHER.

THE LAWYER JUST SAID GO TO ARIZONA, PACK UP HIS SHIT, AND BRING IT BACK.

I MEAN, THAT'S ALL. THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

THIS JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE CALLING ME.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM--WHY WOULD YOU BE NOTIFIED FIRST?

WELL, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I USE HIS LAST NAME.

AND I WOULDN'T, IF MY MOM'S MAIDEN NAME WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN RAPER.

YEAH, I GUESS.

OH MY GOD, MY MOM.

DID YOU CALL MY MOM?

DOES MY MOM KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NO, I DIDN'T TELL HER.

SO, YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME WITH IF YOU WANT, BUT YOU GOTTA COVER HALF THE GAS.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

SORRY I HAD TO TELL YOU LIKE THIS.

NO YOU'RE NOT.

FAIR ENOUGH.

I'LL TEXT YOU MY ADDRESS.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

I CAN'T UNLOCK MY WINDOW.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.

WE'RE GONNA DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO ARIZONA AND I CAN'T SMOKE?

YOU CAN, JUST NOT IN THE CAR.

IT'S A ROAD TRIP.

EXACTLY.

WHICH MEANS WE'LL BE STOPPING AT GAS STATIONS.

YOU CAN SMOKE WHEN WE GET THERE.

[UNDER HER BREATH] GREAT.

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THAT.

SHIT! PULL OVER.

WHAT?

I FORGOT SOMETHING AT THE HOUSE.

PLEASE, JUST GO BACK AROUND.

FLIP A BITCH.

I'LL BE REALLY FAST, I SWEAR.

IS IT IMPORTANT?

YEAH. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

PLEASE, I GOTTA HAVE IT.

GOD...

"FLIP A BITCH?"

SO YOU'RE SURE MY CAR'S GOING TO BE SAFE HERE, RIGHT?

CHILL. IT'S JUST FOR 3 DAYS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

UGH. IS THIS CAR EVEN GOING TO MAKE IT TO ARIZONA?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT YOUR OIL CHANGED?

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR TIRES ROTATED?

DOES YOUR WARRANTY HAVE ROAD-SIDE ASSISTANCE?

DO YOU HAVE JUMPER CABLES?

DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?

[LEAH] SO...WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

[CHARLIE] I'M AN ARTIST.

SO, YOU'RE A WAITRESS THEN?

NO. NOT FULL TIME.

WHATEVER.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

OH, I WORK IN FINANCE.

SO, YOU'RE A BANK TELLER?

NOT EXACTLY. I'M A FINANCIAL SYSTEMS ANALYST.

THRILLING.

UGH. THAT SMELLS FOUL.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]


HOLY SHIT.

UH, ARE WE THERE?

I HOPE NOT.

[INTERCOM] WELCOME TO BEAR LAKE.

MY NAME IS CORY, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, YEA, HI, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I THINK WE MAY HAVE THE WRONG ADDRESS...

IS THIS 2324 OLIVE ROAD?

YES IT IS!

OOH! OOH! ARE YOU GUYS NEW MEMBERS?

MEMBERS OF WHAT?

NO, WE'RE ACTUALLY HERE ABOUT NED TILLERMAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW HIM, THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER.

OH MY GOD! YOU POOR THING.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD.

THANK YOU.

WE'RE HERE FOR HIS STUFF.

CAN YOU JUST BUZZ US IN?

OH, YEAH. WHOOPSIES!

DID HE JUST SAY "WHOOPSIES?"

OH COME ON, YOU HEARD THAT LISP.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S NOT EVEN AWORD.

YES IT IS.

MY BOYFRIEND IN COLLEGE USED TO SAY IT ALL THE TIME.

WAS HE STRAIGHT?

STRAIGHT ENOUGH.

BUZZER'S BROKE, SO HOLD TIGHT.

I'LL OPEN THE GATE BY HAND.

NATURIST?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DID YOU EVER READ "WALDEN"?

NOPE.

YOU'RE A HIPPIE ARTIST AND YOU'VE NEVER READ "WALDEN"?

NO, I HAVEN'T.

DID YOU MANAGE TO BECOME A YUPPIE BITCH WITHOUT READING "WHO MOVED MY CHEESE?"

GOD, I LOVE THAT BOOK!

HEY GIRLFRIENDS!

WHAT... THE... FUCK?

FOLLOW THE PATH AS IT BENDS 'ROUND, PARK UP, COME BACK, I'LL GET YOU ALL CHECKED IN.

THANK YOU.

DID YOU BRING US TO A--

MMM-HMMM.

AND DOES THAT MEAN THAT DAD--

DUNNO.

CAN YOU STOP STARRING AT HIS--

UH-UH.

ME NEITHER.

JESUS.

HI, I'M CORY, IT'S SO GOOD TO MEET YOU.

CHARLIE.

HEY YOU. HI! I'M CORY.

LEAH COLLINS.

SO... WELCOME TO BEAR LAKE!

WE'RE JUST HERE TO SEE RUSTY--

RUSTY CARTER?

YEAH, HE SAID HE'D BE HERE.

HE CERTAINLY IS, BUT I THINK I'D BETTER TAKE YOU TO SEE KRISTI FIRST.

SHE WOULD BE...?

KRISTI LERNNER.

SHE'S THE RESORT'S GENERAL MANAGER.

SHE'S JUST INSIDE, SO LET ME GRAB HER.

THANKS.

GIRLS, IT IS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

I'M KRISTI.

I'M JUST SO SORRY THAT IT HAD TO BE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

COME HERE, BOTH OF YOU.

NED WAS JUST A WONDERFUL MAN.

A TRUE HERO.

HIS PASSING HAS BEEN REALLY HARD ON ALL OF US HERE.

HEY PARTY PEOPLE!

MID-DAY DAIQUIRIS ARE AVAILABLE POOL-SIDE!

COME AND GET 'EM!

YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ALL REAL TORN UP ABOUT IT.

WELL, LIFE GOES ON!

SO, WE APPARENTLY NEED TO MEET WITH RUSTY.

I TAKE IT HE'S A LAWYER?

YES. AFTER HE SPENT SO MUCH TIME HERE, WE MADE HIM OUR RESIDENT LEGAL COUNSEL.

AND HE HAS NED'S WILL?

CORRECT. HE'S BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

GREAT. CAN YOU SHOW US TO HIM?

YES.

SO... WE'LL FOLLOW YOU?

ABSOLUTELY. RIGHT AFTER YOU DISROBE.

[CHUCKLES]

AH, NO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

RIIIGHT.

MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME TO GET THE MONEY FIRST.

IT'S A JOKE.

OH. OK. WELL, I'M NOT JOKING.

YOU'LL NEED TO DISROBE BEFORE YOU ENTER THE RESORT.

I CAN SHOW YOU TO THE LOCKER ROOMS--

I'M JUST GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

WE'RE NOT TAKING OFF OUR CLOTHES!

SO, HOW ELSE TO YOU WANT TO GO ABOUT THIS?

I MEAN, WE'RE NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU OR YOUR LIFE CHOICES OR WHATEVER, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS: A CHOICE.

AND DEFINITELY NOT ONE WE'RE WILLING TO MAKE.

IT'S PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD.

NO OFFENSE.

GIRLS, THE BEAR LAKE NATURIST RESORT IS A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE PAY TO COME AND BE SOCIALLY NUDE IN AN ACCEPTING ATMOSPHERE.

AND THE BY-LAWS OF THE RESORT STATE THAT NO ONE CAN BE CLOTHED BEYOND THIS POINT, FOR THE COMFORT AND SAFETY OF ALL GUESTS.

THERE'S NO EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE?

RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU'RE JUST HERE TO PICKUP YOUR DEAD DAD'S SHIT?

NO, REALLY, KRISTI, WE JUST NEED TO TAKE CARE OF A FEW THINGS.

I'M SORRY. RULES ARE RULES.

TEXTILES ARE NOT PERMITTED BEYOND THIS VISITOR'S CENTER.

UN-FUCKING-REAL.

WAIT, DID I JUST HEAR SOMEONE SAY THERE'S A POOL?

YEAH, WE HAVE AN AMAZING POOL, AND--

GREAT. JUST SHOW US TO THE LOCKER ROOM.

ALRIGHT, FOLLOW ME.

YO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

IT'S FINE! I HAVE A PLAN. C'MON.

OH, UH, I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET OUR BAGS OUT OF THE CAR. RIGHT?

WHAT IS YOUR BRILLIANT PLAN?

HOLD ON...

WHAT?

HELLO...

SO YOU HAVE A FOOFY TOWEL.

SO WHAT?

OH MY GOD.

CHARLIE, FOCUS WITH ME FOR A SECOND.

THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA LET US WEAR CLOTHES, RIGHT?

YEAH.

BUT THERE'S A POOL, SO WE CAN JUST WEAR TOWELS!

I MEAN, PROBLEM SOLVED.

I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE IN A LOCKER ROOM.

EW.

IT'S EITHER THAT OR NOTHING.

LITERALLY. SO TAKE YOUR PICK.

YOUR'S VELCRO'S?

COOL, HUH?

PACKING LIGHT DOESN'T ALWAYS COME IN HANDY.

ARE YOU GONNA CHANGE?

YEAH. BUT... TURN AROUND.

COME ON.

TURN AROUND!

ARE YOU IN 7TH GRADE? MY GOD!

READY!

LET'S GO!

ARE YOU COMING?

YEAH.

A LITTLE HELP, MAYBE?

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT PACKING LIGHT?

THANKS.

UH, THAT'S NOT REALLY--

I KNOW. AND, I'M SORRY.

WE'RE REALLY NOT TRYING TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS, BUT SINCE THERE'S A POOL, AND PEOPLE WEAR TOWELS, WE'LL FIT RIGHT IN.

SO PLEASE... JUST TAKE US TO SEE RUSTY?

UM, I GET THE FEELING YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN, SO I WILL ALLOW THIS... FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF HOURS.

IF YOU STAY ANY LONGER THAN THAT, YOU'LL NEED TO DISROBE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

IT'S A DEAL.

NO IT ISN'T!

WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE HERE THAT LONG.

OK, OH, HOW ABOUT YOU LEAVE YOUR SUITCASES HERE?

GREAT.

OK, LET'S GET GOING.

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY STUFF HERE.

HELLO! NUDIES AREN'T GONNA STEAL YOUR CLOTHES.

COME ON!

THIS IS RUSTY'S CABIN.

I'LL BE WAITING RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.

HELLO, THERE. RUSTY CARTER.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

WHO WANTS A DRINK?!

NO THANKS.

FINE, MORE FOR ME.

HAVE A SEAT, YOUNG LADIES.

SO IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO MEET NED'S DAUGHTER.

WHICH OF YOU DID I SPEAK TO ON THE PHONE?

THAT'D BE ME. CHARLIE TILLERMAN.

CHARLIE, YOUR DAD WAS A GOOD GUY.

HE WAS, WASN'T HE.

OH, I'M SORRY, WE'VE NEVER SPOKEN.

I'M LEAH, NED'S DAUGHTER.

THERE'S TWO OF YOU?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER...

AND THAT'S ME.

THAT'S CORRECT, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE DAUGHTER THAT HE RAISED... AND THAT'S ME.

I'M SORRY.

HE NEVER MENTIONED EITHER ONE OF YOU, EXCEPT IN THE WILL.

THERE'S A LOT OF LEGAL JARGON ON HERE;

FOR THE SAKE OF TIME WE'LL JUST SKIP OVER IT.

GREAT.

NO, I THINK IT'D BE BEST IF WE HEARD IT ALL.

IT'S OK, WE HAVE TIME.

WELL, THERE'S REALLY ONLY TWO MAIN ARTICLES OF NOTE.

NED WANTED TO BE CREMATED.

AND HE'D LIKE HIS ASHES TO BE SPREAD AROUND THIS AREA.

HEY, SO, HAS HE ALREADY BEEN COOKED OR WHAT?

NO, WE'VE GOT HIM IN STORAGE DOWN AT THE MORGUE IN TOWN.

IF BE COULD BACK UP FOR A SECOND, BRIEF ASIDE:

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

OH WOW.

SKIPPED RIGHT OVER THAT, DIDN'T I?

YES, YOU DID.

IT'S THE SCOTCH.

WELL, NED WAS WORKING WITH A BUDDY ON A MOTORBOAT HERE AT THE RESORT.

THEY THOUGHT THE ENGINE WAS OUT OF GEAR--

WELL, IT STARTED AND THE PROPELLER BURIED ITSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SPINAL CORD.

HE DIED INSTANTLY.

POOR BASTARD.

DO WE NEED TO GO TO THE MORGUE AND GET HIM PREPARED?

RUSTY!

YEAH.

FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING.

WHAT?!

WELL THE MORTICIAN IS OUT OF TOWN.

WHERE IS HE?

HE'S ON A FISHING TRIP.

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE THAT WORK AT THE MORGUE.

CAN'T SOMEONE ELSE LET US IN?

RIGHT! WE DON'T LIVE AROUND HERE.

WHERE ARE WE GONNA STAY?

YOU CAN STAY HERE, I IMAGINE.

NO, IT'S NOT EVEN AN OPTION.

I HAVE TO BE BACK IN MIAMI MONDAY MORNING FOR A MEETING.

I CANNOT MISS THIS MEETING!

SO WHAT DID NED DO WHEN HE WAS HERE?

YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN GET KILLED.

[CHUCKLES]

WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D BE A LITTLE LESS ANTAGONISTIC WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU OWN THE PLACE.

WE OWN ONE OF THESE LITTLE CABINS?

ALL OF BEAR LAKE. HE LEFT IT TO YOU.

GET...OUT!

THAT GUY HASN'T SEEN ME IN TWO DECADES, AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT BY LEAVING ME A FUCKING NUDIST COLONY?!

NUDIST RESORT. COLONIES ARE FOR LEPERS.

YOU'RE TELLING ME RIGHT NOW THAT MY DAD OWNED THIS ENTIRE PLACE?

TECHNICALLY, UNTIL NOW.

THE WILL STATES THAT SOLE PROPRIETORSHIP SHALL BE PASSED DIRECTLY TO QUOTE DAUGHTER UNQUOTE.

THAT'S ME!

ARE YOU HIGH?

THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT YOU!

IT'S BOTH OF YOU.

WELL, I'M BLOOD!

HE DOESN'T KNOW HER.

I'M HIS DAUGHTER!

WELL, TECHNICALLY YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT.

WHILE CHARLIE IS HIS BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER, LEAH IS HIS DAUGHTER THROUGH COMMON LAW ADOPTION.

SO, I FIND THAT THE ESTATE SHALL BE DIVIDED BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

[SARCASTICALLY] BEAUTIFUL!

I LIKE THE TOWELS. NICE TOUCH.

ARE YOU ON NITROUS?

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE NED'S DAUGHTERS ARE SO UPTIGHT!

ANYWAY, WE'RE GONNA SIGN ALL THE PAPERS, AND SIGN THE DEED OVER AS SOON AS YOU TAKE CARE OF HIS ASHES.

THIS FUCKIN' SUCKS. I'M OUT OF HERE.

CHARLIE, HEY!

UM, CAN I USE THIS?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY NUMBER AND IF YOU HEAR FROM BILLY BEFORE MONDAY MORNING, YOU KNOW WHERE TO REACH ME.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

LIKEWISE.

WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE AWARE OF EVERYTHING, HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU ON THE GRAND TOUR?

PLEASE.

GREAT! LET'S GET STARTED.

THIS IS THE CABIN AREA.

WE HAVE FIFTEEN ROOMS - LET ME SHOW YOU THIS ONE!

SO, THERE'S EITHER ONE OR TWO BEDS - THIS ONE HAS ONE -

HEATER, AIR CONDITIONER, A NIGHT SIDE TABLE, LAMP...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

NICE.

HANGERS? REALLY?

EVERYBODY ARRIVES IN CLOTHES.

WHOA! YOU DO NOT SEE THAT EVERYDAY.

THIS IS OUR GIFT SHOP, "BARE NECESSITIES."

AND THIS IS NATALIE!

WELCOME! HI!

YOU GUYS SELL T-SHIRTS AT A NUDIST RESORT?

WE'RE SELLING THEM IRONICALLY.

OH, SO IF WE GET ONE FROM HERE, WE CAN WEAR IT?

NO.

WELL, THIS IS OUR INCREDIBLE POOL, HOT TUB, AND SAUNA.

THERE AREN'T MANY PEOPLE HERE...

IS THIS JUST A SLOW DAY?

IT'S BEEN KIND OF A SLOW SEASON.

SO HOW DO YOU STAY A FLOAT?

NUDIST RESORTS ARE ACTUALLY A GROWING INDUSTRY IN THE UNITED STATES.

THEY MAKE AS MUCH AS $300,000 A YEAR.

OH SNAP, I'M RICH!

YEAH, THAT'S NOT US.

HOW MUCH DOES THIS ONE MAKE?

WE CAN GET INTO ALL THAT LATER.

LAUREN, THESE ARE NED'S DAUGHTERS, LEAH & CHARLIE.

OH, WOW, HI.

LAUREN IS, OBVIOUSLY, OUR LIFEGUARD AND THE HEAD OF FITNESS ACTIVITIES.

YOUR YOGA CLASSES ARE THE BEST.

GOD, YOU REALLY LOOK SO MUCH LIKE HIM.

OH, NO, I'M ACTUALLY NOT HIS BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER.

I AM.

OH. I DIDN'T... UM...

WHAT, I BETTER DO THIS.

WE WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR JOB.

WE'VE GOT SO MUCH MORE TO SEE; LET'S GO!

AND THIS IS WHERE EVERYONE SHOWERS.

WE HAVE TO SHOWER WITH OTHER PEOPLE TOO?

YUP!

ALRIGHT, NOW THAT'S SOME KOOKIE SHIT.

NO KIDDING.

AH, AND THIS IS OUR RESTAURANT, UDISTS.

WE SERVE THREE DELICIOUS MEALS A DAY COURTESY OF OUR WONDERFUL CHEF, CORY, WHOM YOU'VE--

IS HE THAT ADORABLE GAY GUY WHO'S SURPRISINGLY WELL HUNG?

WE DON'T CONDONE GAWKING AT EACH OTHER'S GENITALS.

BUT YES, THAT'S HIM.

THE MENU CHANGES DAILY--YOU'LL LOVE IT.

YOU GUYS DO HAVE A LIQUOR LICENSE, RIGHT?

YUP. RIGHT ACROSS THE WAY AT OUR BAR, "FIESTA CANTINA".

THAT'S YOUR LAST ONE, OK.

OK.

THIS IS TREVOR.

TREVOR, THESE ARE NED'S DAUGHTERS CHARLIE AND LEAH.

HI.

HEY.

I'M... REALLY SORRY ABOUT NED.

HE WAS A REALLY GREAT GUY.

AND... ONE OF MY REGULARS HERE.

I CAN SEE WHY.

I MEAN... BECAUSE... THIS BAR IS AWESOME!

THAT CONCLUDES OUR TOUR.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.

YEAH. IT WAS EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING.

SHOULD I SHOW YOU BACK TO YOUR CABIN?

I THINK WE CAN FIND IT ON OUR OWN.

YEAH. I THINK WE JUST NEED A FEW MINUTES TO TAKE THIS ALL IN.

SO IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, DON'T HESITATE TO ASK ME.

WE WON'T.

THANK YOU.

UM, LET'S GO.

BYE, LEAH.

BYE!

CAN I HAVE A DRINK?

YEAH, YEAH, DEFINITELY! LET'S HAVE TWO!

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING.

WE HAVE TO SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN THIS INSANE ASYLUM.

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS?

THIS IS WHY I LIKE PORN--

BECAUSE WHEN I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT BALLS, I CAN JUST TURN IT OFF.

I KNOW!

I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY KNOW, BUT STILL, LIKE, MY DAD WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME WEAR A BIKINI.

SO HOW WAS HE OK WITH THIS?

I REALLY NEED SOME HAND SANITIZER.

LET'S JUST GET BACK TO THE CABIN.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MAN, IF WE GOTTA BE AT NUDIE CAMP UNTIL MONDAY, I'M AT LEAST GONNA SEE IF THERE'S CIVILIZATION NEARBY.

CIVILIZATION?

HAVE YOU LOOKED AROUND?

I LOOKED GOOGLED THIS PLACE BEFORE WE GO HERE, AND WE'RE IN LIKE 100 MILE DEAD ZONE.

OH MY GOD.

DID YOU BRING ME TO THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE?

IT'S LIKE "THE HILLS HAVE EYES".

UGH, SUCKS.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A DIVE BAR SOMEWHERE.

BELIEVE ME, I CHECKED.

MAYBE A LIQUOR STORE?

PLEASE GOD LET THERE BE A LIQUOR STORE.

YOU COMING?

NO, I THINK I'LL STAY.

ALRIGHT. SUIT YOURSELF.

SO, YOU WANT ANYTHING?

SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FORGET TODAY EVER HAPPENED?

DONE.

YOU OK?

I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HOW DOES SOMEONE COME TO THIS?

I FEEL LIKE MOST OTHER DADS ARE CONTENT TO JUST SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH A BEER IN THEIR UNDERWEAR...

I'M SURE YOUR DAD SAT IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH A BEER...

JUST WITHOUT THE UNDERWEAR.

THANKS FOR THAT IMAGE.

SORRY.

I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.

GOOD LUCK MAKING IT OUT CLOTHED.

GOD, WHAT DID YOU SEE IN THIS PLACE?

HEY CHARLIE!

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TOWEL TO ME...

DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE A COLD DRINK WITH THAT?

YOU GOT A BEER?

YEAH, SIT DOWN!

HERE YOU ARE.

THANKS.

SO, UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE?

WELL, MY PARENTS BOUGHT THIS PLACE IN THE LATE 60S.

WHOA, THAT MEANS YOU GREW UP HERE.

GOD, THAT'S CRAZY. WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

NOT AS COOL AS SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.

I MEAN, IT WAS GREAT AS A CHILD...

IT'S JUST A LITTLE STRANGE WHEN YOU HIT PUBERTY.

BUT WHEN I WENT OFF TO COLLEGE, I REALIZED THE APPLE DIDN'T FALL TOO FAR FROM THE TREE.

I WAS ALL ABOUT BEING NAKED IN MY APARTMENT.

WHICH REALLY BOTHERED MY ROOMMATE...

BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM TO BOTHER HER BOYFRIEND THAT MUCH.

WELL, WHEN YOU WENT TO SCHOOL THOUGH...

I MEAN, YOU HAD TO WEAR CLOTHES THERE, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND MY PARENTS RAN A NUDIST RESORT, SO CLOTHING SHOPPING REALLY WASN'T A BIG PRIORITY.

IT WAS ALL HAND-ME-DOWNS AND THE GOODWILL...

AND I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE A LOT WITH THE POPULARITY.

GOD YEAH. I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

PEOPLE USED TO MAKE FUN OF ME A LOT IN HIGH SCHOOL TOO.

I TRIED A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT STYLES -

LIKE I WAS GRUNGE, AND GOTH, AND PUNK FOR A LITTLE BIT -

IT REALLY DIDN'T MATTER WHAT I WORE, PEOPLE STILL FOUND SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEVER FIT IN, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

ALL THAT ENDED WHEN I MOVED BACK HERE MY JUNIOR YEAR.

WHY DID YOU MOVE BACK?

I HAD A BAD ACCIDENT.

WHAT SORT OF ACCIDENT?

A FIRE.

AND, WELL, YOU CAN SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT.

AFTER MONTHS OF TREATMENT AND MONTHS OF CRYING -

I KNEW I HAD TO LEARN TO COME TO TERMS WITH MY NEW SELF.

IT WAS EITHER THAT, OR BE VERY ANGRY...

AND I FIGURED, WHAT BETTER PLACE TO LEARN ACCEPTANCE THAN HERE?

SO BECOMING A BURN VICTIM MADE YOU TAKE OVER A NUDIST RESORT?

HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

WELL... WHAT MADE ME TAKE IT OVER WAS MY PARENTS MOVING TO FLORIDA TO BE WITH MY GRANDMA.

AND, THERE ARE WORSE PLACES TO COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR BODY-IMAGE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

BUT IT WASN'T ALL SELF-HEALING.

THE FIRST COUPLE YEARS I TREATED IT LIKE A PAID VACATION.

I ALMOST RAN THIS PLACE INTO THE GROUND.

THAT'S WHEN "GOOD OL' NED" CAME INTO THE PICTURE, RIGHT?

YEAH, AND MY PARENTS FULLY EXPECTED HIM TO CONVERT IT INTO A SUMMER CAMP OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BUT HE GAVE MY DAD HIS WORD THAT HE'D KEEP IT AS IT WAS.

SO, YOU SAID THIS WAS A SLOW SEASON.

IF THIS PLACE ISN'T DOING GOOD BUSINESS--

I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

BEAR LAKE IS MORE OF A HOME THAN A BUSINESS, I'M JUST...

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

JOE WELLS... CENTURY 21.

IS THIS HIS OFFICE OR CELL PHONE?

OK. AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPOKEN WITH HIM, RIGHT?

AND HE'LL BE DISCREET?

OK, I JUST, THIS DOES NOT NEED TO BE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.

OK, I WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK THEN!

THANKS AGAIN, MAYA.

[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]

YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE TO GO. OK.

JUST A SEC!

COME IN.

HI! LEAH, RIGHT?

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?

OH, I JUST BROUGHT YOU GUYS SOME EXTRA BLANKETS AND TOWELS...

IT GETS PRETTY COLD HERE AT NIGHT.

THANKS, THAT WAS AWFULLY SWEET OF Y--

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

KRISTI SENT ME TO TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR HEATER.

[LOUDSPEAKER] CODE YELLOW... REPEAT, COLD YELLOW.

YOU GUYS HAVE CODES?

YEAH, WE GET BORED.

EASILY.

SO WHAT'S A CODE YELLOW?

IT'S A BROKEN URINAL.

NO, IT'S NOT!

IT JUST MEANS THERE'S A MAINTENANCE REQUEST IN THE YELLOW CABIN.

C'MON... WE TOTALLY COULD'VE HAD HER.

DON'T YOU HAVE THAT DATE NIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

OH YEAH! YEAH... I DID.

YES...

YEAH, UM, DUSTY'S COOKING ME... MEATY LASAGNA BECAUSE IT'S...

YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE SO HE'S DOING A SPECIAL THING.

UMMM...

MMMM...

OH...UH, LEAH... I'M UP HERE.

I KNOW.

[CHUCKLES] NO, IT'S OK.

I MEAN, I'M COOL WITH IT. WE'RE ALL USED TO IT.

COOL WITH WHAT?

YOU WERE TOTALLY STARING JUST THEN.

NO I WASN'T.

I'VE... I'VE SEEN...

I'VE SEEN SOME OF THOSE BEFORE.

WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE.

I'M COMFORTABLE.

YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.

I'M SO COOL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, GO AHEAD, TAKE A LOOK.

IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE A LONG ONE BUT...

I'M OK WITH THAT.

YEAH, NO, EYE CONTACT IS ALWAYS GOOD.

YEAH, UM, IT'S, WELL, YEAH I KINDA FEEL DIRTY NOW.

YOU SHOULDN'T. IT'S TOTALLY HARMLESS.

YEAH... I MEAN...

WELL, UM...I'M GLAD THAT WASN'T AWKWARD.

SO, I GOTTA GO.

YOU KNOW, THAT HUSBAND DINNER THING.

SO UM, YOU'RE ALL SET ON BLANKETS AND...

YUP! ABSOLUTELY, I'M TOTALLY FINE.

I ACTUALLY DID HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU...

UM, IS THERE A TIME WHEN THE COMMUNAL SHOWERS AREN'T SO COMMUNAL?

ACTUALLY TONIGHT THERE'S A--

SORRY. THERE'S A STAFF MEETING AT 8, SO YOU'LL HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE TO YOURSELF.

AND JUST GET TO THE YELLOW CABIN WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU HAVE TIME.

[LOUDSPEAKER] REPEAT, CODE YELLOW.

THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS, PRETTY SERIOUS.

I SHOULD--

YOU SHOULD GO. THAT'S WHY YOU GET PAID.

JUST GO. YEAH...

BUT I'LL SEE YOU LATER, YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA TAKE A LOOK AT THAT TOO.

IT'S NOT SAFE.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OK?

[MUSIC]

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THEY SEEM... NICE.

YEAH.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW THEY FELT ABOUT BEING CROWNED THE "NUDEYLAND QUEENS".

WELL, "VERONICA" WAS PISSED, AND "BETTY" WAS... EFFICIENT.

YEAH, THAT'S... THAT'S PRETTY ACCURATE.

SHOOT!

DID I FORGET TO PACK IT?

YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO DO.

THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND THE WAY THAT WE LIVE HERE?

ALL WE GOTTA DO IS MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME.

AND THEN MAYBE THEY'LL BE RELAXED ENOUGH TO DROP THOSE TOWELS.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I SPENT ALL AFTERNOON WITH THEM.

OBVIOUSLY NED HAD A REASON TO KEEP THIS PLACE A SECRET FROM THEM.

WHY DID HE GIVE IT TO THEM?

THEY'RE JUST GONNA SELL IT!

NO! HE JUST THOUGHT THAT IF THEY CAME HERE, AND EXPERIENCED IT, THEY'D FALL IN LOVE WITH BEAR LAKE LIKE WE DID.

OH YEAH RIGHT!

THEY WILL TURN IT INTO CONDOS, OR A MALL, OR A FRIGGING GOLF COUR--

GUYS! GUYS!

THOSE GIRLS HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPOSED TO THIS TYPE OF ENVIRONMENT BEFORE.

SO OF COURSE THEY'LL BE SCARED AT FIRST.

I WAS.

LOOK, IF WE TRY OUR BEST AND HELP THEM OUT, THEN I'M SURE WE CAN--

THEY HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO US.

THE DON'T EVEN LIKE US.

THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE THEM LIKE US.

CHEERS TO THAT.

[EXCITED MOANING]

[CHARLIE] WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

GET THAT OUTTA THERE!

THAT WASN'T MY TOOTHBRUSH...

CHARLIE! WHY WOULD I USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

WHY WOULD YOU BE USING A TOOTHBRUSH TO BEGIN WITH?

'CAUSE YOU WANT TO BE MINTY FRESH?

NO! I NEED TO RELAX.

AND I LEFT MY REAL... THING... AT HOME.

YOU COULD'VE BORROWED ONE OF MINE.

I BROUGHT THREE SIZES.

OKAY, THIS CONVERSATION JUST ENDED.

SO, DID YOU AT LEAST FIND A BAR?

NO.

FIESTA CANTINA'S OUR ONLY OPTION.

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES OR ELSE NO SERVICE.

AWESOME.

I'M GONNA SEE WHAT'S ON TV.

GOOD IDEA.

SHIT. IS THIS PAY-PER-VIEW?

WELCOME TO BEAR LAKE!

WE HAVE A REGULATION SIZE TENNIS COURT.

YOU'LL LOVE IT!

WE ALSO HAVE HORSE SHOES...

AND YOU CAN WORK UP A SWEAT IN OUR OUTDOOR GYM.

AND LATER YOU CAN RELAX THOSE BURNING MUSCLES IN OUR HOT TUB.

NO, I THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "EDUCATIONAL."

AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MORE RELAXING FUN IN THE SUN, BEAR LAKE BEACH IS ONLY A SHORT HIKE AWAY.

AND NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE THE AMAZING FACILITIES THAT YOU JUST SAW, BUT WE SURE KNOW DO HOW TO HAVE A GOODTIME HERE.

WE HAVE WEEKLY THEME PARTIES!

ALRIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU AT THE POOL TABLE LATER ON.

NO MORE OF THOSE JOKES!

HEY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON GIRLFRIEND!

TWO SHOTS PLEASE!

WE ALSO HOST PRIVATE EVENTS...

SUCH AS BIRTHDAYS, BAR MITZVAHS AND WEDDINGS!

TAKE DUSTY'S RING, AND PUT IT ON HIS LEFT FINGER, AND REPEAT AFTER ME:

DUSTY I GIVE YOU THIS RING.

DUSTY, I GIVE YOU THIS RING.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY ORDAINED WOMEN PRIESTS.

THEY DON'T.

I ASK THAT YOU PUT THIS ON NATALIE'S LEFT FINGER.

SO, IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU MAY NOW KISS YOUR BRIDE.

AND THE FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE...

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT CORY'S RENDITION OF "THE MAN-GINA MONOLOGUES".

"MY VAGINA IS ANGRY.

"IT IS. IT'S PISSED OFF.

"MY VAGINA'S FURIOUS AND IT NEEDS TO TALK.

"IT NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.

IT NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU. "

SO COME TO BEAR LAKE!

IT'S WHERE THE BARES PLAY--

NO, UH UH.

WE'RE LEAVING.

WE'RE NOT LEAVING, CHARLIE...

WE STILL HAVE TO GET MY DAD'S ASHES.

GIVE ME THE BODY. I'LL BURN IT MYSELF.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU SAW THE VIDEO!

THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING NUT HOUSE!

I KNOW.

I JUST SAW A GROWN MAN TALK ABOUT HIS ANGRY VAGINA...

I GET IT!

BUT, LET'S JUST MAKE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND AND THEN WE'LL SELL THIS PLACE AND USE THE MONEY FOR THERAPY.

LIKE, ETERNAL-SUNSHINE THERAPY.

FINE.

LET'S JUST GO TO BED.

I AM SOOO DOWN FOR THAT.

HEY LEAH!

YOU KNOW...

I HAVE LIVED HERE FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS, AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, THAT'S PROBABLY THE SEXIEST OUTFIT I'VE SEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE.

I'M GLAD YOU GOT TO WITNESS IT.

I SOOO DID NOT THINK PEOPLE WOULD BE AWAKE THIS EARLY.

I KNOW, I HAVE PRETTY RIDICULOUS BEAD HEAD.

THAT'S UH, SOMETHING.

IT'S HORRIBLE!

SHE DOESN'T LIKE MY OUTFIT, HUH?

YEAH, IT'S THE FACT THAT YOU'RE WEARING ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK SHE'S JUST JEALOUS.

YEAH... THAT'S PROBABLY IT.

IT IS PROBABLY IT!

IT'S LIKE A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES, IT'S AWESOME.

YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

I'LL HAVE TO LOOK INTO IT...

BUT, IN THE MEANTIME...

WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO GO GET SOME BREAKFAST.

YOU SHOULD COME WITH YOUR MOO MOO.

THAT'S AN ENTICING OFFER, BUT I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO SO I THINK I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST STAY HERE AND DO IT.

WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO?

IT'S BORING STUFF.

I'M A FINANCIAL SYSTEMS ANALYST.

IT'S THRILLING, I KNOW.

WOW.

TREV', YOU COMING?

OKAY, WELL THAT'S MY CUE.

ALRIGHT. DON'T WORK TOO HARD.

I WON'T.

OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT IS.

ALRIGHT, BRING IT, BITCH.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

NICE.

HI, RUSTY.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

[MUSIC]

ANOTHER DAY LIKE THIS?

IF I CAN.

BUT THIS THING KEEPS FALLING OFF.

[CHICKEN NOISES]

SO, WILL YOUR SISTER BE JOINING US?

I DUNNO.

I THINK SHE IS.

OH YEAH? WHY?

HEY, GUYS. GOOD MORNING!

[CHEERING]

GO GIRL. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!

THANKS.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT?

MMM....

I KNOW! THERE AREN'T EVEN WORDS!

COME JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.

[LEAH] COOL, YEAH!

[CHARLIE] GOD, YOU BITCH!

YOU JUST COMPLETELY ABANDONED ME.

C'MON, CHARLIE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE.

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!

THIS GUY GETS TO WEAR CLOTHES?

BELIEVE ME, HONEY, I'D RATHER NOT...

BUT THERE'S A LOT OF JOBS AROUND HERE THAT REQUIRE CLOTHING.

YEAH. LIKE, CARPENTRY...

REMOVING BEE HIVES...

FRYING BACON...

AUTO REPAIR...

DON'T TRY IT, HONEY.

UM... WHY DON'T YOU COME HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN?

HERE WE GO, "OVER 40 AND LOVING IT", IN REFERENCE TO THE NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS YOU HAVE A DAY.

[CHUCKLES]

THAT TOWEL IS REALLY GETTING IN THE WAY.

SORRY.

HERE WE GO, I NOW ANOINT YOU MY OFFICIAL KITCHEN HELPER.

THANK YOU!

DO YOU THINK I COULD GET ONE FOR THE BACKSIDE?

OK, FINE.

BUT IF I WERE YOU, I'D FLAUNT THAT BOOTY.

THANK YOU, BUT I THINK I'LL KEEP IT COVERED.

I'M JUST SAYING!

IF YOU'D STOP HIDING, YOU MAY JUST DISCOVER NEW THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

LIKE...

NUDISM IS AN AWESOME WAY TO PROTEST MATERIALISM!

I UNDERSTAND THAT, ACTUALLY.

I SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON CLOTHES--

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

LAST MONTH I BOUGHT A $2,000 PAIR OF ALLIGATOR COWBOY BOOTS.

REALLY?!

I WANNA SEE THOSE BOOTS!

KRISTI CONVINCED ME TO RETURN THEM.

IT WAS A SAD, SAD DAY.

SO, YOU DO REALIZE THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO ACHIEVE SIMPLICITY IN YOUR LIFE, RIGHT?

LIKE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRIP OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES JUST TO PROTEST MATERIALISM.

OF COURSE, I KNOW THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHY I LIVE HERE.

WHY DO YOU LIVE HERE?

WELL, I GREW UP IN SOUTHERN INDIANA.

AND GROWING UP GAY IN SOUTHERN INDIANA WAS A NIGHTMARE.

EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE SOME JOCK WAS LIKE, "HEY, SUCK MY COCK,"

AND THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL, HE WOULD KICK MY TEETH IN.

I DID TWO DAYS AT IU, AND THE SAME SHIT WENT DOWN...

SO I JUST GOT IN MY CAR AND DROVE STRAIGHT TO WEST HOLLYWOOD.

BUT LA SUCKED TOO... FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

WHY?

THE MATERIALISM, THE ELITISM, THE EXPENSE OF JUST GETTING BY.

SO, THE GUY I WAS DATING BROUGHT ME TO BEAR LAKE!

AND, HERE I AM!

HE'S SOOO LONG GONE, BUT THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

GOOD FOR YOU, I GUESS.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

THIS PLACE-

WHERE WHO YOU ARE AS A HUMAN BEING IS ALL THAT MATTERS -

AND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU DOESN'T MATTER A DARN THING.

WELL, I DIG THAT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME.

YOU ARE SOO LYING!

IF THAT WERE TRUE, YOU WOULDN'T BE SPORTING THE DOUBLE-APRON LOOK.

SO...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO WITH THE PLACE?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE SELL IT TO DEVELOPERS, ARE YOU?

TO BE HONEST, I COULD REALLY USE THE CASH.

NOOOOOOOO. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD GO.

WELL NOTHING HAS BEEN DECIDED YET.

WE JUST TALKED ABOUT IT THIS MORNING...

AND THEN LEAH GOT A CALL FROM SOME GUY, AND SHE WAS ON THE PHONE FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

OOH! A GUY?!?!

WHAT GUY?

UM, FROM THE 21ST CENTURY?

SWEETIE... WE'RE ALL FROM THE 21ST CENTURY...

YOU MEAN A GUY FROM CENTURY 21.

THE REALTY COMPANY?

THAT'S THE ONE, YEAH!

WE PUT OUT A COUPLE FEELERS TO A FEW BUYERS.

BUT, WITH MY LUCK, NO ONE WILL BE INTERESTED.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YA -

AS SOMEONE WHO'S HAD NEARLY FOUR DECADES OF BAD LUCK -

THIS PLACE IS THE ONLY 'GOOD LUCK' I'VE EVER HAD.

I LOVE YOU TOO. BYE.

WHAT'S WITH THE CLOTHES?

THE NUDISM DIDN'T TAKE?

NO SO MUCH.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

CORY LET ME OUT OF THE KITCHEN FOR JUST A FEW HOURS TO HELP YOU CLEAN THE CABIN SO... LET'S GO.

YOU READY?

YEAH.

[MUSIC]

HE HAS ROMANCE NOVELS.

THEY CAN'T BE HIS...

THERE'S LIKE TEN OF THEM HERE!

NO THAT... DOESN'T FIT.

THERE IS SO MUCH I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM.

OH, C'MON, YOU KNEW LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

EXCEPT FOR A FEW CHOICE HOBBIES.

WOAH...

I FOUND A PHOTO ALBUM.

THIS IS WHEN HE TOOK ME TO GREAT AMERICA WHEN I WAS LIKE, 12.

HE REFUSED TO RIDE ANY OF THE ROLLER COASTERS

'CAUSE HE GO, LIKE, NAUSEOUS.

IT'S SO WEIRD...

IT'S SO CRAZY TO SEE HIM.

UGH!

OH MY GOD! OH JESUS! NAKED FATHER PICTURES!

UGH, EWWW!

THAT'S DISGUSTING. THAT'S DISGUSTING!

THAT IS SO WRONG THAT I EVEN SAW THAT.

THAT JUST HAPPENED!

CLEARLY, HE DIDN'T NEED THESE!

WHY AM I LAUGHING ABOUT THIS?

OH MY GOSH.

THIS STUFF EVEN SMELLS LIKE HIM.

I JUST FOUND HIS JOURNAL.

NO!

HE DID NOT HAVE A JOURNAL...

HE USED TO GIVE ME SO MUCH CRAP FOR HAVING A JOURNAL!

DO YOU THINK WE CAN READ IT?

HE'S NOT GONNA KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

WE SHOULD HAVE A KEEP PILE, SO WE CAN KEEP THE IMPORTANT STUFF AND THEN BOX THE REST UP OR THROW IT AWAY.

OH MY GOD!

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

OH MY GOD!

WHAT?! WHAT?!

OH MY GOD, YOUR DAD WAS A SLUT TOO!

NO HE WASN'T!

THAT WAS NOT HIS.

YOU DON'T THINK IT WAS--

HE'S NOT GAY CHARLIE!

OOO HEY! I HAVE AN IDEA!

LET'S USE YOUR DEAD DAD'S NUDIE PICTURES TO PICK UP HIS DIRTY CONDOM.

DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT?

YOU'RE SO AWKWARD... OH, MY GOSH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BURN THE WHOLE CABIN DOWN?

IT'LL BE FASTER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY.

YOU CAN GO IF YOU WANT.

I MEAN, I'M TOTALLY FINE LOOKING THROUGH THIS STUFF BY MYSELF.

I'LL GO ASK KRISTI FOR A FEW BOXES.

COOL.

I'M GONNA SNAG THESE TWO.

GO FOR IT.

YOU GOT IT?

YEAH.

FUCK!

YOU NEED ANY HELP?

I'M SO HUNGRY, I JUST WANNA GO EAT.

YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT IT CLOSED AT 6?

I'VE GOT THE KITCHEN COVERED.

COME ON. IT'S FINE, WE'LL DO IT LATER.

LET'S JUST TAKE THIS ONE TO THE CAR. LETS GO.

[MUSIC]

THEY KEEP PLATES OF FOOD IN THE OVEN FOR PEOPLE WHO MISS MEALS.

SWEET!

AW, FUCKTWAT!

YOU OK?

IS EVERYONE OK IN HERE?

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO SPEAK?

OH. IT'S YOU TWO.

HELLO, LAUREN.

HI... HEY! WAIT...

I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVEN'T BEEN HAVING THE GREATEST TIME HERE--

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST BLISTER EVER.

BUT WE'RE HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT AT THE BAR.

YOU SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT COMING.

GREAT, THANKS FOR THE INVITE.

NO, SERIOUSLY. CONSIDER IT.

IT'S A THEME PARTY, AND THE THEME IS 'ONE ITEM'.

SO, YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT, AS LONG AS IT'S JUST ONE THING.

THAT SOUNDS... PROMISING.

YEAH, RIGHT?

WILL THERE BE LIKE, AN OPEN BAR?

TREVOR'S USUALLY PRETTY GENEROUS.

COOL, I'LL GO.

REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY?

WHY NOT?

I MEAN, I COULD USE SOMETHING TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF.

BUT YOU SURE HAVE A FASCINATING WAY OF UNWINDING AT THE END OF A LONG, HARD DAY--

DROP IT ALREADY!

AND, WHAT ABOUT YOU CHARLIE?

WE'LL SEE.

GREAT!

AND FOR THE RECORD, I WON'T TELL KRISTI ABOUT YOUR TEXTILES.

THANKS.

BUT YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT TRYING SOMETHING NEW.

CAN'T HURT, RIGHT?

YES, IT CAN.

I'VE TOTALLY GOT THE RUG BURNS TO PROVE IT.

CHARMING.

WHATEVER, HAVE FUN AT YOUR LITTLE PARTY.

AH, YOU'RE BAD! T-REX RULE APPLIES.

YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNNY!

LOOK WHO'S AT THE PARTY.

I TOLD YOU THEY'D COME AROUND!

YEAH BUT DRUNK NUDISTS ARE SCARY TO UPTIGHT PRUDES.

I THINK YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY CHARM. YOOHOO!

HI!

HEY...

A SHEET?

REALLY? THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NEW FOUND FREEDOM?

IT WAS A LITTLE TOO FREE-ING.

AH. COME JOIN US! COME ON.

THANKS.

HEY LEAH! YOU WANT A DRINK?

YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.

I LIKE YOUR ITEM!

THANK YOU!

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

SURE, BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET ME PRETTY DRUNK IT YOU EXPECT TO SLEEP WITH ME.

AND YOU'D HAVE TO GET ME DRUNK ENOUGH TO FORGET I LIKE COCK, SO I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

LONG ISLAND.

ONE LONG ISLAND, COMING UP!

THIS ROUND'S ON ME.

HEY TREV, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE FIVE, COME DANCE WITH ME?

OH, SORRY LAUREN.

WHATEVER. IT'S YOUR LOSS.

NOT REALLY.

SO I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

YOU'RE ALL PUNK ROCK AND NONCONFORMIST...

YES?

SO WHAT'S MORE ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT THAN WHAT WE DO HERE?

KRISTI! DRINK?

THE USUAL.

THAT'S A VALID POINT...

SO, YOU'RE BACK TO BREAKING THE DRESS CODE?

OH COME ON! DON'T EVEN!

WHAT?

I TOTALLY FOLLOWED THE RULES.

THEY SAID 'ONE ITEM'.

ONE ITEM!

WEAK. SAUCE.

I DIDN'T EVEN WEAR UNDERWEAR.

WELL, THAT'S A START.

IT IS!

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

THAT TASTES FUCKING GOOD.

COME ONE, LET'S DANCE.

UH, NO.

I USUALLY WAIT UNTIL THE SECOND OR THIRD DATE TO LET PEOPLE RUB THEIR JUNK ON MY ASS.

SO, HERE, HERE...

AND... WHAT DATE WOULD YOU CONSIDER THIS?

WELL, WHAT DATE WOULD YOU WANT IT TO BE?

I LIKE YOU!

DUDE, I TOTALLY JUST BUSTED MY KNEE!

CAN WE SIT?

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR TOP HAT BACK NOW!

SHHH.

I KNOW. SHHHH!

CLOSE ENOUGH.

YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.

YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE SWEET.

WELL, YOU'RE HOT.

IS THAT SO?

UH HUH. LIKE, CRAZY HOT.

LIKE THE KIND OF HOT WHEN YOU TAKE PIZZA OUT OF THE OVEN AND IT BURNS YOU--

YOU TASTE GOOD.

WELL YOU SMELL GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING EARLIER?

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT IF I COULD FUCK A SMELL, I WOULD SOO FUCK YOUR SMELL.

LEAH, ARE YOU OK?

I WOULD SOO FUCK YOUR SMELL.

IS THIS YOUR PLACE?

UH HUH.

WELL LET'S GO THEN!

NOT MUCH LEFT...

YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T GET?

WHY WOULD MY DAD HAVE A BABY AND THEN LEAVE HER FOR ANOTHER BABY? RIGHT?

HE CHEATED ON ME WITH A DIFFERENT BABY!

THAT'S WHAT'S HE DID.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

THAT'S MY CUE!

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU, AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

I THINK WE NEED TO GET YOU ON TO THE WATER.

OK, YEAH, TOP IT OFF FOR ME, THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T WEAR CLOTHES!

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR KEYS?

I LEAVE THEM UNDER THE DOORSTEP.

WELL I'M GONNA SIT HERE TILL YOU FIND THEM.

TREVOR?

YEAH?

I HAVE A SECRET.

AND WHAT'S THAT SECRET?

I TOTALLY WORE MORE THAN ONE ITEM.

NOT FOR LONG.

YOU KNOW ANOTHER THING?

I BET SHE HAD THE BEST CHRISTMASES EVER.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE SHE HAD PRESENTS UNDER HER TREE.

AND I BET SHE DID NOT SPEND HER CHILDHOOD WONDERING WHY HER DADDY DIDN'T WANT HER.

WHY DON'T WE GET YOU TO BED?

YOU'RE SO NICE. I LOVE YOU, CORY.

LOVE YOU TOO, BUT I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH YOU.

THAT'S YOUR LOSS, ISN'T IT?

[MUSIC]

THIS IS SO CRAZY BECAUSE I TOTALLY DID NOT EVEN THINK THAT YOU LIKED ME.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT YOU LIKED...

ANNIE, CURLY ANNIE...

YOU MEAN LAUREN, DON'T YOU?

I-- BUT SHE TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE, DOESN'T SHE?

I KNOW!

I FUCKIN' LOVE THAT MOVIE!

HEY...HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. IT'S OK.

LOOK, LAUREN AND I NEVER HAD ANYTHING GOING ON, OK?

LIAR!

YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.

I TOTALLY WOULDN'T BLAME YOU.

SHE'S A NAKED FUCKIN' YOGA INSTRUCTOR!

SHE'S, LIKE, FLEXIBLE!

LEAH, I WAS NEVER INTO HER.

BESIDES, SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH NED--

WHAT?

WHAT?

HE'S MARRIED!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

AND YOU DIDN'T STOP IT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN CONTROL ANYONE HERE.

THAT'S ALL YOU'VE DONE SINCE WE GOT HERE, IS TRY TO CONTROL US!

NO, WE ARE NOT TRYING TO CONTROL YOU GUYS, LEAH.

THIS IS OUR LIFESTYLE.

I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH YOU GUYS.

LEAH, WAIT.

YOU'RE SUCH A HYPOCRITE.

AND YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE DOOR, IDIOT!

OW!!

YOU'RE JUST AS DRUNK AS I WAS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

KRISTI KICKED ME OUT OF THE KITCHEN, SO I HAVE TO GO FIND FOR ANOTHER CLOTHED JOB.

SOUNDS LIKE MY ONLY TWO OPTIONS ARE CARPENTRY AND BEE KEEPING.

CHARLIE, WE OWN THIS PLACE NOW.

WE CAN MAKE THE RULES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A JOB IN ORDER TO WEAR CLOTHES.

[DOOR OPENS]

HI, KRISTI.

HEY, LEAH.

DO YOU HAVE SOME TAPE I CAN BORROW?

SURE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

OH, JUST SOME NEW RESORT RULES.

WHAT?

YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

ACTUALLY, I CAN.

SEE, I NOW OWN HALF OF BEAR LAKE, WHICH MEANS I CAN MAKE WHATEVER CHANGES I SEE FIT.

I'M SORRY.

I'M GONNA BORROW THIS REAL QUICK.

[INTERCOM] ATTENTION ALL BEAR LAKE GUESTS!

PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY AS WE ARE ESTABLISHING A NEW SET OF RESORT RULES.

RULE NUMBER ONE: BEAR LAKE IS NOW A CLOTHING OPTIONAL RESORT.

YOU MAY WEAR CLOTHING IF YOU PREFER.

SWEET.

THANK GOD!

YOU CAN'T TAKE--!

SURE CAN!

RULE NUMBER TWO: THIS ONE'S IMPORTANT, NO ADULTERY.

AND RULE NUMBER THREE, WHICH IS KIND OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

IT ALSO GOES HAND IN HAND WITH RULE NUMBER TWO:

NO SKANKS ALLOWED!

THIS MEANS YOU LAUREN...

GOD, HE WAS LIKE TWICE YOUR AGE.

NEW RULES MY ASS!

HEY, NICE WORK!

WHAT WAS THAT THING ABOUT LAUREN?

I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DID IT, BUT YOU ARE A FLIPPIN' GENIUS. THANK YOU!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

BUT SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT.

YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY.

NOT REALLY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE LIKE A STATUE!

A GAWKY ONE WITH SHITTY HAIR, BUT STILL... A STATUE.

WHAT?

I'M NOT A FUCKING STATUE!

I HAVE...

WHAT?

NO BOOBS AND A FAT ASS.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH MY ENTIRE FRICKIN' LIFE SINCE I WAS FOURTEEN!

MY MOM?

FORMER FUCKING BEAUTY QUEEN, OK?

LIKE, SERIOUSLY?

IMAGINE GROWING UP IN THAT HOUSE.

LIKE, ALL SHE COULD TALK ABOUT WAS, "GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS CHARLIE, AND GO WORK OUT.

GO GET IN SHAPE. DON'T EAT THAT. "

I KNOW! MOMENT OF TRUTH?

I TOTALLY FUCK WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.

WHY?

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS...UM...

FIRST GRADE.

DAMON ROTH... CALLED ME "CHUNKY".

I'M STILL ON A DIET.

I SAW YOU NAKED, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

THANK YOU!

CHEERS.

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT EVERYONE THINKS.

SO, WE'RE TYPICAL AMERICAN CHICKS.

WAA WAA WAA.

RIGHT?

ALRIGHT SERIOUSLY, ORANGE JUICE?

THIS TOAST IS FUCKIN' DISGUTING.

BUT HERE'S THE THING...

I MADE IT.

THEN YOU NEED A BETTER TOASTER.

THIS IS WHAT'S WEIRD--

AND I SO CANNOT BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS--

BUT THIS PLACE?

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

I MEAN, THAT'S KINDA WHY I DID WHAT I DID AT BREAKFAST THE OTHER DAY.

BULLSHIT! YOU DID IT TO IMPRESS A DUDE.

I DID NOT!

ALRIGHT MAYBE... A LITTE. BUT DUDE, WHATEVER!

LIKE... IT WAS ACTUALLY... KIND OF LIBERATING.

WELL HEY, LISTEN.

I'M GONNA HEAD UP TO THAT LAKE I THINK.

OOO, GO FOR IT.

I ACTUALLY NEED TO TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS TOO.

NEED A HAND?

NO, I'M GOOD.

ALRIGHT, HAVE FUN.

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH---

LEAH, STOP!

WHAT WAS THAT?

AN ATTEMPT AT TEACHING YOU A LESSON.

WHAT... DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR STRANGERS?

DON'T FUCK MY DAD.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S TRUE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD LEAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD FAMILY AT HOME TO COME FUCK SOME SLUTTY LIFEGUARD?

THAT'S NOT WHAT IT WAS--

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE A KID. YOU'RE LIKE, MY AGE.

YOUR DAD DIDN'T SEE ME THAT WAY.

WELL I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE:

A DISTRACTION.

AND BRAVO LAUREN, BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN KNEW THAT WE EXISTED!

I MEAN, RUSTY DIDN'T EVEN CALL US WHEN HE DIED.

THAT'S NOT TRUE, I KNEW ALL ABOUT YOU.

NED TALKED ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!

HE WAS SO PROUD OF YOU.

HE WAS ALWAYS SAYING THAT SOON YOU'D BE THE ONE SUPPORTING HIM.

YEAH, HE SAID THAT TO ME TOO.

YEAH.

SEE, HE REALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW YOU'D REACT.

HE SAID YOU HAD SOME ISSUES ABOUT YOUR BODY--

HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THAT?

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU.

AND I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD TELL YOU, BUT HE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS PLACE.

BUT LOOK, YOU'RE HERE NOW.

SO MAYBE THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE HIM WRONG...

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PROVE, LAUREN.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG.

[PHONE RINGS]

HEY, JOE!

PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD.

YOU'RE BREAKING UP.

JOE?

WHAT?

HOLD ON JOE.

JOE?

PROPANE HEATER! I HAVE NO CLUE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HOLD ON.

I THINK I SEE SOMEONE WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO ANSWER THAT.

EXCUSE ME!

NATALIE, RIGHT?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

CAN YOU TELL ME IF ANY OF THE CABINS HERE ARE RUN WITH PROPANE HEAT?

WELL... THE CABINS RUN ON ELECTRIC SPACE HEATERS, BUT THE RESTAURANT AND BAR...

JUST A SECOND, JOE.

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

MY REALTOR.

I THINK THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO KRISTI ABOUT.

FINE. ALRIGHT JOE, SHE SAYS THAT THE CABINS ARE RUN ON ELECTRIC SPACE HEATERS.

JOE? JOE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

JOE? JOE?

GOD... I HATE THIS PLACE!

YOU KNOW, I'D WATCH HOW LOUDLY YOU SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.

HEY CHARLIE.

MAN, I'M REALLY STRIKING OUT WITH THIS FAMILY TODAY.

SO... WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

OH, SHE'S THIS, LIKE, INDIE ROCK CHICK THAT NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF.

RACHEL YAMAGATA?

NO SHIT. CHECK IT OUT.

[MUSIC]

YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH A NUDIST!

SCARY.

I AM SORRY YOU'RE HAVING TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS.

RIGHT.

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING NATALIE, ANYTHING, JUST TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF INSIGHT.

YOU GUYS ALL SEEM TO KNOW MY DAD.

TO ME HE WAS LIKE A STRANGER.

OKAY, FINE...

IF I TELL YOU SOMETHING, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO GO AND TELL CHARLIE?

YEAH.

SO ARE YOU DOCUMENTING YOUR NIGHTMARE WEEKEND HERE AT BEAR LAKE?

THIS? OH, IT'S... NED'S.

OH.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?

YES, PLEASE.

YOU'RE MOM KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE.

SHE KNEW ABOUT LAUREN TOO.

SHUT UP.

NO, SHE DIDN'T...

YEAH, SHE DID.

SO WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE?

DID YOU GET LOST ON YOUR WAY TO BONNAROO?

HONESTLY, IT WAS KIND OF AN ACCIDENT.

YOU ACCIDENTALLY BECAME A NUDIST.

WELL...

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

I WAS A RUNNER IN COLLEGE, AND WE'D ALWAYS DO THESE TRAINING RUNS THAT TOOK UP DOWN THE TRAIL, PAST BEAR LAKE.

THE BIG JOKE WAS ABOUT COMING DOWN HERE, BUT NOBODY EVER DID...

SO ONE DAY, I TOOK THE TURN, I CAME DOWN HERE...

TOOK OFF MY SHOES AND MY SOCKS AND THEN I KIND OF SAT HERE.

TILL I FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE AND JUST RAN INTO THE WATER.

YOU KNOW, THINKING ABOUT IT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN ACTUALLY DOING IT.

IT FELT GREAT!

I REMEMBER STANDING THERE--RIGHT OVER THERE--

AND THEN SOMEONE STOLE MY CLOTHES!

[CHARLIE] WHAT?

YEAH!

I LOOKED AWAY FOR A SECOND AND THEY WERE GONE.

MY SHORTS, MY SHOES, MY KEY TO THE DORMS, ALL OF IT.

GETTING BACK WAS A MESS.

NOT MY FINEST HOUR.

BUT I STILL CAME BACK.

EVEN AFTER THAT.

I MET KRISTI, SHE OFFERED ME THE JOB...

I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.

YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T EXACTLY HAVE A STORYBOOK MARRIAGE.

YEAH, THEY'RE HUMAN.

JUST LIKE ANY OTHER COUPLE, THEY FOUGHT...

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY WERE HAPPY.

A FEW YEARS AGO THEY ALMOST HAD A DIVORCE.

YEAH.

I MEAN YOUR DAD FELT REALLY GUILTY ABOUT SCREWING THINGS UP WITH CHARLIE -

AND THAT CAUSED A LOT OF PROBLEMS -

AND HE WANTED TO LEAVE.

BUT YOUR PARENTS WANTED YOU TO HAVE A SENSE SECURITY, SO THEY AGREED TO STAY TOGETHER...

AT LEAST UNTIL YOU FINISHED COLLEGE...

AT WHICH POINT, THEY BASICALLY SEPARATED.

BUT THEN THEY FIGURED THE ARRANGEMENT HAD BEEN WORKING SO WELL FOR SO MANY YEARS...

WHY TO CHANGE SOMETHING THAT WORKED?

ARE YOU OK?

UM... THAT WAS... FOR YOUR EYES.

[CHUCKLES]

OH! I WILL ABSOLUTELY WASH THAT.

THE THING IS CHARLIE, YOU GOTTA DO YOUR OWN THING, YOU KNOW?

SELL THE PLACE, WHATEVER.

I'LL BE FINE.

BUT JUST TAKE IT EASY ON CORY.

THIS PLACE REALLY IS THE ONLY HOME HE'S EVER KNOWN.

I'VE GOT A CLASS I'VE GOTTA TEACH.

SEE YA 'ROUND?

YEAH.

FOUR WORDS, LADIES...

HOT-TUB-HAPPY-HOUR!

NO CAN DO TREVOR, I'VE GOT TO GET TO YOGA CLASS, THEN I'VE GOTTA PICK THE HUBBY UP FROM WORK.

BUT I THINK THIS ONE COULD USE A LITTLE THIRST AID.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU IN?

YEAH.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OK?

YEAH.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN CHARLIE?

YEAH, I TALKED TO HER A WHILE AGO...

OOO, I SEE CHARLIE!

[CHEERS] HEY! ALRIGHT! GOOD JOB!

WE KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!

COME OVER HERE, SIT NEXT TO ME!

THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

WHO'S DRINKING AROUND HERE?

YOU GOT A BEER FOR ME, SOMEONE?

THANKS, SIS.

CHEERS! CHEERS!

WELCOME TO THE CULT.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN!

HEY. CAN I COME IN?

YES. YEAH.

SO YOU'RE BACK IN THE BUFF?

I AM.

I LIKE IT... WHY THE CHANGE OF HEART?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE THE OTHER NIGHT.

AND I KIND THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT.

YOU KNOW...

I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THAT WAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A MUSICIAN TOO.

YOU ARE SO GIFTED! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

OK, THIS IS WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND--

AND I DO NOT MEAN FOR THIS TO COME OUT THE WRONG WAY--

BUT YOU REALIZE YOU COULD BE CRAZY SUCCESSFUL IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD, RIGHT?

SO WHY DO YOU CHOOSE TO WORK HERE?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE A PART OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

I DIDN'T GROW UP HERE.

I WAS ACTUALLY IN MED-SCHOOL BEFORE I CAME.

WHOA!

BUT I DIDN'T LIKE THE PERSON I WAS BECOMING...

I WAS FAKE.

MAKING CONNECTIONS WITH FAKE PEOPLE...

AND I STARTED TO HATE MYSELF.

AS SOON AS I'D WALK THROUGH THE DOOR AT NIGHT...

THE FURTHER I STEPPED OUT OF CHARACTER WHEN I WAS AT HOME...

THE CLOSER I GOT TO WHO I WANTED TO BE.

IT WAS MISERABLE.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR.

SOMEONE ELSE WANTED THAT FOR ME.

SO I QUIT.

COINCIDENTALLY, MY GIRLFRIEND QUIT ON ME.

THEN I WENT ON THIS JOURNEY...

PACKED UP AND LEFT.

THEN I STUMBLED UPON THIS PLACE.

AND I'M HAPPY HERE.

TREV, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW I SCREWED UP.

I WAS JUST HURT, AND UPSET, AND CONFUSED, AND I TOOK IT OUT ON YOU... AND, THE WHOLE RESORT FOR--

LEAH. IT'S OK.

REALLY?

REALLY.

NO, LIKE REALLY REALLY?

LIKE, REALLY REALLY.

SO, CHARLIE, YOU THINK YOU MIGHT KEEP THE PLACE AFTER ALL?

GOT A MILLION DOLLARS TO GIVE ME?

I KNEW IT.

WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STARTING TO ENJOY YOURSELF.

YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY TONIGHT.

I KNOW.

I AM BUT... IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW.

IT'S ABOUT THE CASH.

SO NOW, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CASH.

I MEAN, LOOK.

IT'S BEEN ABOUT THE MONEY EVER SINCE MY DAD LEFT MY MOM WITHOUT A CENT.

YOU KNOW?

AND HE'S NEVER GIVEN ME ANYTHING...

EXCEPT THIS PLACE.

SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET US LIVE HERE ANYMORE?

I... I DON'T MEAN TO KICK YOU GUYS OUT OF YOUR HOME.

WOW, THAT'S REALLY NOT MY INTENTION AT ALL.

LEAH JUST RAN THE NUMBERS AND THIS PLACE JUST ISN'T MAKING ANY MONEY.

SO THAT'S IT?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THE REAL WORLD EXISTS.

IT'S OUT THERE.

I KNOW YOU GUYS DON'T WANT TO DEAL IT, BUT I HAVE BILLS AND RENT AND SHIT TO PAY, AND ALL THAT STUFF HAPPENS OUTSIDE THIS SWEET LITTLE BUBBLE.

CORY!

I SWEAR...

I'M GOING AFTER HIM.

CORY! HONEY...

I'M SORRY.

DON'T APOLOGIZE.

DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT...

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

SHIT!

CHARLIE?

CHARLIE, WAKE UP! OPEN THE DOOR CHARLIE.

OH MY GOD, CHARLIE PLEASE WAKE UP!

I'M KINDA, LIKE, REALLY NAKED.

ALRIGHT, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

CHARLIE?

WE'RE LATE!

CHARLIE! WAKE UP CHARLIE!

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLEEPING. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

CHURCH.

WHERE DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

THANK YOU.

AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER.

OH, YES WE CAN.

WE'RE SO LATE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

SO YOU HAD A GOODNIGHT.

IT WAS PRETTY FUCKIN' AMAZING.

UGH, WE'RE SO LATE.

WILL YOU LOCK THE DOOR?

YES!

IT'S YOUR FAULT WE'RE LATE.

I KNOW. BLAME ME LATER. LET'S GO.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

CHARLIE!

HEY.

WE WERE JUST WONDERING, HAVE YOU DECIDED HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA STAY?

WE'RE GONNA SIGN SOME PAPERS OVER AT RUSTY'S, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA HIT THE ROAD.

ALREADY?

HEY! I'M ALL PACKED UP. YOU READY TO GO?

HEY.

HEY, I'M SORRY.

WE'RE JUST KIND OF IN A HURRY.

WELL LEAH, IF YOU'RE GOING, I'D REALLY LOVE A CHANCE TO APOLOGIZE BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

HONESTLY, IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO LEAVE THINGS THE WAY THAT WE LEFT THEM.

REALLY, IT'S WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

OK.

IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.

BYE.

SO, I COULDN'T TELL YOU BACK THERE, BUT WE JUST GOT AN OFFER ON THE PLACE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I GOT THE PHONE CALL AND I TALKED TO MY REALTOR.

SHE SAID WE COULD HAVE IT SOLD IN LIKE A WEEK.

THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED.

I'M GONNA GRAB MY CLOTHES.

YOU GET CHANGED, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR.

SO HOW MUCH ARE WE TALKIN' HERE?

SEVEN FIGURES.

WHAT?!

YOU CAN FINALLY QUIT THAT WAITRESS-ING JOB.

YOU GOT THAT STUFF?

YEAH.

RUSTY'S BEEN WAITING. LET'S GO.

READY TO SIGN SOME PAPERS?

YEAH.

ALRIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GONNA TRY CALLING MOM AGAIN.

TO MY HOMEY.

SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG.

I'VE GOT TO GET A BETTER FILING SYSTEM.

ALRIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[CHARLIE] SHIT! WE GOTTA GO BACK.

[LEAH] WHAT, DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING AGAIN?

[CHARLIE] NO.

OK, I READ DAD'S JOURNAL, AND IT HAD THIS BUSINESS PLAN.

TO TURN BEAR LAKE AROUND.

[LEAH] WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

WE JUST SIGNED THE PAPERS!

[CHARLIE] LEAH!

HE WANTED OUR INHERITANCE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS.

[LEAH] THIS IS RIDICULOUS, CHARLIE.

PUT THE CAR IN DRIVE.

I HAVE A FLIGHT TO CATCH; I HAVE A JOB TO GET BACK TO.

[CHARLIE] THIS IS WHAT YOUR DAD WANTED.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST TRY IT?

[MUSIC]


HEY, KRISTI.

HI LADIES.

SO, UM, KRISTI...

I'VE DECIDED I'M STAYING.

I'M GONNA KEEP THE RESORT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D COME AROUND.

I'M SO EXCITED! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

AND IN HONOR OF THE OCCASION...

RULES, RULES...

RIP THEM UP! PLEASE!

AND IN HONOR OF THE OCCASION...

I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE!

HOW DO...

HELLO?

ATTENTION BEAR LAKE GUESTS: THIS IS CHARLIETILLERMAN AND I AM THE NEW OWNER OF BEAR LAKE.

NO ONE IS GOING ANYWHERE!

SO I'M JUST GOING TO ASSUME YOU'RE ALL CHEERING AND CHANTING MY NAME...

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

OH, OTHER NEWS, IT IS RUMORED THAT CORY MIGHT BE GAY.

SEE YOU ALL AT THE COMMUNAL SHOWERS.

IS IT TRUE?

YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

ALRIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA MISS YOUR FLIGHT!

LET'S GO.

BYE.

BYE.

[MUSIC]

BYE! WHOO!