Adam's Rib (1949) Script

[comical music]

[clock chiming]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

[man whistling]

[wolf whistle]

Right into the car. To the back of the car.

Watch your step. Right in.

That's all. That's all. Take the next train.

'Step back.' Step back. Step aside.

[man whistling]

[door buzzes]

[jazz music on stereo]


Now look here, Doris-- Shut up, you! Shut up!

My dear husband!

Oh, no, no. D-D-Doris, please! Please!

[gunshot] 'Aah!'

D-d-don't, Doris! Don't! 'Aah!'


[woman screaming]

Oh, Doris.



[woman screams]


[screams] Help! Help! Help!

Help! Murder! Help!

'Help! Help! Help!'



[sobbing] No.

No. No. Please, don't.

Please, no, don't do this.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]


[female #1] 'Okay.'



Mm, mm.

Oh! Hmm.

You said it. You said it. 7:30.




Mm. Hello, Pinky.


Hello, Pinkie.

You feel alright?

No. Why?

You were making some noises in the night.

Funny noises. I always do, don't I?

That is, you always say that I always do. H-how do I know?

You always do, but not this kind.

What kind?

Well, I don't remember exactly, naturally, but sort of like..


Like that, sort of. Really? You don't say.


Fascinating. Huh?

I say, I sound fascinating.

[chuckles] You d..

Hot dog. What? What?

Wait a second.

What is it?

Woman shot her husband. Ah, kill him?

Wait a second, I think she, uh..

Let's see.

Nope. No. That's a shame.

Condition critical though. Mm, mm, congratulations.


What? Wait a second.

Well, what is it? Oh, find it in yours.

It isn't in here.

He was playing her fast and loose so she caught him out and popped him a few .32 calibers.

Who? This lady.

This lady I've been telling you--

Some lady, some lady.

Serves him right, the little two-timer.

Mm-mm. Says here he's 5'11, weighs 180. Some little.

Little in spirit, I mean, of course. Little in spirit.

I don't approve of people rushing around carrying loaded revolvers.

Depends on who they're rush, rushing at.

Yeah, is that what they taught you at, uh, Yale Law School?

Ha-ha. It's not funny.

Contempt for the law, you know, is the first thing..

[knock on door] You're pretty f.. Come in.

Better get movin', you two. Heavy traffic today.


[honking] big pig. W-why don't you let him go by?

It will be simpler. Well, he wants the whole road.

Now, look, all I'm trying to say is that there are lots of things that a man can do and in society's eyes, it's all hunky-dory.

A woman does the same thing the same, mind you, and she's an outcast.

Finished? No.

Now I'm not blaming you personally, Adam because this is so.

Oh, well, that's awfully large of you.

No, no, it's not your fault.

All I'm saying is why let this deplorable system seep into our courts of law where women are supposed to be equal?

Mostly, I think, females get advantages.

We don't want advantages, and we don't want prejudices.

Oh, don't get excited, honey, and don't..

Oh, you're giving me the Bryn Mawr accent.

Well, what did she try to do?

She tried to keep her home intact.

Yeah, by knocking off her husband.

She didn't knock him off. He's alive.

She didn't kill him. She tried. She missed.

Well, alright, now supposing-- What do you wanna do?

Give her another shot at him? No, I don't.

This sort of thing burns my goat.

Your what? My goat! My goat!

Crime should be punished, not condoned.

If a woman commits it. Anybody.. Here, pull over.


[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

Sorry. Ah, you lady drivers!

You'll put me away yet.

See you later.

Morning, sir. Morning.

Hello, Ned. Morning, Roy.

They down? Just now.

We've got five assaults and seven robberies and I'm still counting.

Well, you're still young. Not for long.

After all, mommy's only got one pair of brains.

I may give up smoking, you know that?

What's this habeas corpus on 904A?

Search me. No sense to it.

On the other hand, why should I give up smoking if I like it?

Oh, no. Something?

Oh, good heavens. What?

The one case I don't want is the case I get.

[Roy] 'That's always the way. Rule of the profession.'

But this. 'Which one?'

This hysterical Hannah who tried to kill her husband.

My wife feels-- 'Oh, that's a cinch.'

You've already got your full confession.

That's the kind of case you take your knitting. A cinch.

A cinch, huh? What?

You don't happen to be married to my wife.

How do you know? A cinch.

I think I ought to poke you one, Roy.

[intercom buzzes] Yes, sir.

'Adam, you got a minute?' Right now, chief.


A case of overwrought. Simple overwrought.

I've noticed guys doing that sort of thing more and more.

I've got a theory. You wanna hear it?

I think the human race is having a nervous breakdown.

Which is, uh, why I am compelled to return same to you for further revision.

If this course seems, uh to you unnecessarily exacting, may I again remind you that unless we obtain certiorari in the immediate future..

Grace. Yeah?

What do you think of a man who's unfaithful to his wife?

Not nice, but..

Alright, now, what about a woman who's unfaithful to her husband?

Something terrible. A-ha!

A-ha what? Why the difference?

Why the difference?

Why not nice if he does it and something terrible if she does it?

I don't make the rules. Sure, you do. We all do.

"Unless we obtain certiorari in the immediate future--"

Oh, yeah, yeah. The, the, uh matter looks hopeless.

I again urge you to study and consider United Zinc..

A boy sows a wild oat or two, the world winks.

[telephone rings] A girl does the same, scandal.

Yeah. 'Hello, honey.'

Hello. Hello, husband.

[Adam] 'You've been on my mind, baby.'

Where have you been keeping yourself?

'I've been resting up after--' Adam.

'You know the woman who shot her husband yesterday?'

Yeah. 'Want a good laugh?'

Sure, go ahead. 'Well, I'm elected.'

'I was gonna ask the chief to let me off'

'if only on account of peace at home.'

What? Uh..

The boss wants a quick conviction.

And I'm just the little guy who can get it for him. So he says.

[Amanda] 'You great, big he-men make me sick.'

What? An outrage.

That's what I think.

'You're getting awful dramatic.'

Why? Why? What's so funny?

[laughing] Nothin'.

You just sound cute when you get causey.


[line disconnects] Hello?

Hello? Hello?


Grace. Yeah?

Did you ever hear about the straw that broke the camel's back?

Many times.

Yeah, well, it just happened again, right on that phone.

The last straw on a female camel.

Right on that phone? Yeah.

Now you better take all this down.

This is important. Go ahead.

There's a woman named, uh, uh, uh..

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hey, Bobby, bring me the morning papers in here right away, will you, please?

Well, whatever her name was, she shot her husband last night.

Served him right. I'm not joking, this is big.

I see that. One, find out where she is.

Two, uh, uh, uh, get me copies of all the police and court records that are available.

Three, uh, find out who's handling her.

Probably Legal Aid Society.

If that's it, let me talk to Rogers down there.

If she's privately defended, find out who and let me talk to them.

Four, get Miss Bassett over at Women's Council for Equal Rights.

Five, get my husband on the phone.

Six.. Oh, no, don't get my husband on the phone.

Thank you, Bobby.

"Woman popped her ever-lovin'." See that?

Yeah. Thanks. Beat it.

Attinger. "A-T-T-I-N-G-E-R."

Yes, Doris Attinger. I want to see her today without fail.

What's going to happen? Plenty.

[clears throat] What's the, what explanation have you got?

She's crazy, that's all. That's the only explanation.

Plain crazy.

Plain crazy.

She's always been crazy, if you want a fact.

Crazy when you married her? Oh, certainly. A fruitcake.

Why did you marry her? How should I know? Who knows?

Why'd you marry yours? Does anybody know?

Now, wait just a minute, Mr. Attinger.

Let's not play around with this thing too free and easy.

Now after you filed complaint--

I've been complaining ever since the day I got married to her.

So go ahead and file it.

She's nuts! That's my complaint.

I'd like to see her put away somewheres.

That's all. Uh, out of my hair.

Murderers running around. What kind of a town is this?

We don't have so many murderers running around, miss, uh but we have a lot of other things just as bad.

You mean like me, huh?

Listen, bub, I connect with you.

You ain't over my head. Good.

I'm gonna get a lawyer on my own or somebody.

I gotta get her put away. Now, listen, pal.

You're running way ahead of yourself.

You just give us the facts and the background.

We'll get a conviction on an attempted murder or a first-degree assault or however... else the office wishes to proceed. You understand that?

What do I do?

You just tell us the truth as clearly and as accurately as you can.

Shoot. Oh, I-I mean, go ahead.

State your full name. Warren Francis Attinger.

Where do you live? 66 West 12 Street.

New York City? New York City.


Nothing, no occupation.

Housewife. Uh, that's right. Housewife.

Alright. And mother?


Uh, no, thank you.

I don't believe women should smoke if you'll excuse me saying it.

Yes, I'll excuse you. Thank you.

Now, how-- It's not feminine.

How long have you been married, Mrs. Attinger?

Nine years and four months. I see.

And 12 days. Finished?

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

And you have three children?

Warren, Jr., he's eight Allan, he's seven, and Trudy, she's six.

And that's all.

Now, when did you begin to suspect that you were losing your husband's affection?

Um, when he stopped battin' me around.

When was that? Eleven months ago. March 14.

He struck you? First time, he broke a tooth.

My tooth. I see.

Upper left molar.

And how often-- It's capped now.

You can't notice a thing. Good.

Now, let's start with the day of the accident--

Oh, no accident. I wanted to shoot him.

Suppose we decide later just what you wanted to do.

[chuckles] Silly.

The difference between ten years in prison and freedom is not silly, Mrs. Attinger.

Call me Doris.

Now you pay attention to what I'm saying.

I don't care what happens to me.

Do you care what happens to Warren and Allan and Trudy?

[sobs] Yes, I do. I wanna go home.

Can't you fix it so I should go home?

Not right now, but we're working on it. Here.

I promised my kids I'd take 'em to Coney Island tomorrow.

Yes, you drink that.

Now, you would help us very much if you could reconstruct the day.

All of yesterday.

Well, first thing in the morning..

Yes? I woke up.


And I see he didn't sleep home.

You were shocked and surprised.

Oh, no. Not shocked, not surprised.

He used to not do that a lot, come home.

Did you ever question him about his behavior?

Certainly. Did he offer any explanation?

Certainly. He told me to shut up and mind my own business.

I see.

But yesterday I got worried.

No, not worried. Mad.

I got mad. You know why? Why?

'Cause it was the fourth night in a row he didn't.

Come home? Yeah.

And that made you angry? Sure.

It was gettin' a habit with him.

So I sent the kids to school, and I went and bought a gun.

Where? This hockshop I go to.

I bought a gun and they gave me a book how to, free.

Had you decided by this time exactly what you planned to do?

I'll tell you the honest truth. I didn't decide nothin'.

I was doin' everything like in a dream.

Like, I was watchin' myself, but I couldn't help it.

Like a dream? Yeah. Wait a second.

You got all that?

"Like, I was watching myself but couldn't help it. Like a dream."

Yeah, good. Now go on, Doris.


So then I got very hungry. When?

When I bought the gun. Yeah.

So I went in this hamburger place and I ate two rare and one lemon meringue pie.

And then?

And then I was still hungry. Think of that.

I, uh..

[clears throat] So... I walked all around and I kept talkin' to myself not to be foolish.

And then? And then I called up Warren.

He was just gettin' his lunch hour by now.

So I said to him I wanna see him important so if we could have lunch together.

So he said no, naturally.

So I asked him, "You comin' home after?"

So he says, "What for?"

So I said to him, "Well, don't you live there no more?"

So he says, "Don't bother me at the office.

You want me to lose my job?"

Loud. So then he hung up.

And what did you do? I had a cup of coffee.

Where? The same place as him.

Only he didn't see me. It was crowded.

The Buffet Exchange.

So then I bought some chocolate nut bars and I went outside of his office and I waited the whole afternoon.

And I kept eatin' the candy bars and waitin' until he come out.

And then I followed him.

And then I shot him.

And after you shot him, how did you feel then?


[instrumental music]

Everything looks lovely, Mary.

You must be dead.

Oh, I don't care, except the extra help.

With me, the more help I got, the harder I have to work.

'Hello, I'm not late, am I?' Isn't that typical?

Twenty minutes of 8:00.



Uh, I don't..


Can you get dressed in four minutes?

Of course, I can't get dressed in four minutes.

What do you mean, can I..

Why, sure, darling, I can, I can get dressed in four minutes.

I may have a little trouble getting in a bath in that time.

I, uh, uh..

[Amanda] 'You are hurrying up, aren't you, darling?'

'Oh, what is Judge Marcasson's wife's name?'

'Do you remember?'

'Oh, I do, I do. Alice.'

'I hope Kip knows enough to behave with the judges around.'

'I'll keep him playing the piano as much as possible.'

Have a good day? 'Yeah.'

Uh, you make a lot of money? 'Nope.'

'Better than money.' Really? What?

[Amanda] 'A very interesting development.'

'Very.' 'Good.'

I hope you'll think so when you find out what it is.

It may jar you a bit at first, but, uh..

Pinky. Calling me?

What's that?

Just the best hat in the world..

...for the best head.

I may ask you to come home late every single night.

Oh! 'Mm.'

[Amanda] 'Mwah. Hey.'

Someday they're gonna build a statue to you somewhere.

Huh? I said..

Oh. Well, now, what about that?

That's sweet.

Isn't that absolutely a miracle?

Yeah, you look kind of like Grandma Moses.

[knock on door] Boy, I'm a lucky girl. Yeah?

[Mary] 'Your mother and father are here.'

Alright, tell 'em we'll be right down.

Tell 'em to fix themselves a drink!

'What?' 'A drink.'

[Adam] 'No, thanks.'


I said I don't want one, thanks.

Oh, for the love of heaven.

How do I look? Oh, boy, you look handsome.

This is a dress I have on. Oh, it's beautiful. Beautiful.

They'll be right down, Mrs. Bonner.

How are you, Mary? 'Hello, everybody.'

Well, hello, honey. It's just us right over there.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, son, how are you? Dad. Hiya.

Hello, Adam. Hello, dear.

Adam, go ahead. Mix the drinks.

I'm sorry we're so late, but I'm not to blame.

I have an irresponsible husband.


We're gonna have the most sensational dinner. I hope..

Oh, oh, my dress. Do it up, will you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I-I forgot my glasses.

You did? Oh, well, Adam!

Hey, come on in here and fasten me up, will you?

Sit down. Fasten? Oh, here, pop.

Oh, yeah, sure. Mix 'em, don't drink 'em now.

I suppose someday somebody will invent something--

You've got no complaint. Uh, just pull..

You ought to see some of the things that I used to have to handle.

Hooks and eyes, begad.

She had an evening gown one time, had about 2000.

Don't exaggerate. Alright then, 1000.

Used to start to hook her up sometimes right after breakfast.

'Good evening.' 'Good evening, Mary.'

Anybody else important here yet?

Well, look at us.

All the way from across the hall and right on time.

Don't we look nice? 'You certainly do.'

You know Emerald Messel, don't you?

Hello, Emerald, how are you? Mrs. Bonner.

You know Adam's father and mother?

Emerald Messel. How do you do?

She's just been proposing to me.

That's why we're on time.


No humor, but stinkin' rich.

Emerald, what do you want to drink?

Oh, whatever's going.

Dad, would you be an angel?

You bet. Thank you.

Need some help, old friend?

No, no, thanks. Well, why not?

She may be your wife, but she's my lawyer.

Amanda, my love, why do you stay married to a legal beagle with ten thumbs?

Alright, Kip. That's enough.

Not for me, it's not.

[Emerald] 'Why don't you go play the piano?'

Alright, I suppose that is why I was invited.

That's right, that's right.

Somebody ought to bring me a drink.

♪ I choose Amanda ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

[Kip] Are you the judges?

Somebody said judges were coming.

[softly] Kip.

Hello, Dotty.

You always have judges here. Why is that?

To get in good with them?


Well.. Hello, Adam.

How very nice to see you, Mrs. Marcasson.

♪ How very nice to see you Mrs. Marcasson ♪

♪ How very nice to see you Mrs. Marcasson ♪

♪ The judge is standing by but I really don't know why ♪

♪ How very nice to.. ♪♪ What were you doing down in my, uh, bailiwick today?

Oh, just a little ambulance chasing.

Mm-hmm. Successful?

Well, I got the case. What case?

A girl named Doris Attinger shot her husband.

I'm going to defend her.

[glasses clinking]

Dinner is served, madam. Uh..

Oh, well, let's go on in, everyone. That's..

That's alright, darling, um..

[indistinct chatter]

[Kip] 'The trouble with this picture, it drags.'

[Amanda] 'Shut up, Kip.'

Are you all sure that you want to see this?

I don't.

Oh, look at that, will you?

[Amanda] 'Oh, this is our main house.'

'The cottage is out here by the camera.'

[Kip] 'I can't see it.'

What an unusual name. Your idea, Adam?

Cute outfit, Amanda. Really cute.

[wolf whistles] Mighty pretty country up there!



I know a lady collapsed a lung once laughing like that.


[no audio]



Oh, cute outfit, Adam. Really cute.


[Adam] 'Mm.'

[Mrs. Bonner] 'Oh, look at those darling dogs.'

[Kip] One, two, three.

Sort of an animal picture, isn't it?

'Oh, now.' 'Kip.'

[Kip] 'I would say this movie has a rather limited appeal.'

'What's that anyhow?' 'It's-it's the mortgage.'

[Judge Marcasson] 'Uh, that was the day they paid off the mortgage.'

'I brought it out myself.'

[Kip] 'Looks like rubber from here.'


We acted this all out later, of course.

'I mean, it's not actual.'

Alright, bigmouth, settle down.

Oh, Kip.


[Kip] 'Seems much slower than the other eight times I've seen it.'

Who took these pictures? Your cow?


[Mr. Bonner] 'You ought to be on the stage, judge.'

[Kip] 'Yeah, anywhere but in this picture.'

[Mr. Bonner] 'You should have taken a picture'

'of burning the mortgage.'

'That would have been a good one.'

[Amanda] 'We did, dad. Wait, look.'


Oh, cute, Adam. Very cute.

'Oh, expensive hot dogs.' 'Mm.'

[Mr. Bonner] 'Oh.'

Tree kissing, a famous old Connecticut custom.

'Really?' 'Mm.'

'Saddle horse.' 'Yeah. Mm-hmm.'

Barn kissing, a famous old Connecticut custom.


[Kip] 'What a funny, funny.. Oh, so funny.'


'Oh!' 'Oh!'

[wolf whistles]


'Oh, that's real good.' 'That's real good.'

'Aww.' 'Aww.'

[indistinct chatter]

Wife kissing, a famous old Connecticut custom.


'Ooh!' 'Oh, oopsie daisy.'

Okay, everybody, on your heads.


[Mr. Bonner] 'What a clown.'

[Kip] 'And as the sanking soo sunks into the sinking sand' we say goodbye to Bonner Hill and the sickening home movies.

Very good. Wonderful.

[Amanda] Alright! Alright! Alright!

You've said the same thing nine times.

[Adam] For the tenth time then, will you, please stay out of this Attinger thing, darling, would you, please--

Did you have to sulk all evening?

Look, look, look.. And with a growl on your face?

How could a man have a growl on his face?

If you think you're gonna turn a court of law into a "Punch And Judy" show--

Darling, please, please, this means a great deal to me.

Yes, would you-- And it's not a stunt.

This poor woman, isn't she entitled to the same justice I mean, that's usually reserved for men?

The same unwritten law that got Lennahan off.

I know what you're going to say.

That he should have been convicted, too, but he wasn't.

And you're not gonna put this poor girl away just because she had the misfortune to be born a female.

Just one word-- Not if I can help it.

Couldn't I, could I, please, get a word in edgewise?

Go ahead. Not one sybbal..

Not one syllable of what you have been blabbering here tonight--

You always do that when you get excited.

I am going to cut you into 12 little pieces and feed you to the jury, so get prepared for it.

Goodnight, Pinky.

Aww, goodnight.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Bonner.

[indistinct chatter]

[Judge Marcasson] People versus Delwyn has been assigned to part 3.

All witnesses in that case will proceed to that part.

That's part three.

[indistinct chatter]

People against Attinger.

You may proceed.

[Adam] Your Honor, I move the case of the people of the state of New York against Doris Szabo Attinger to trial.

Is the defendant ready? Defendant is ready.

Very well. You may proceed to select the jury.

Paul Hurlock.

Take your coat with you, please.

Place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand.

You do solemnly swear that you will true answers make to all questions put to you upon the several challenges

'touching upon your competence as a fair'

'and impartial juror in this proceeding'

'between the people of the state of New York' and Doris Szabo Attinger, so help you God?

I do. Be seated.

State your full name and address.

Paul Hurlock, 1731 Boylston Avenue, New York City.

Mr. Hurlock, what's your occupation?

Infants' headgear.

Uh, are you personally acquainted with one Warren Attinger?

'No.' Doris Szabo Attinger?

'No.' 'Beryl Caighn?'

[Paul] No.

Uh, do you think that you're able to render a just and honest verdict in this case as deduced by the evidence of the law as laid down by the court?

Sure. Yes?

Uh, uh, yes.

The juror is acceptable to the people.

Good morning, Mr. Hurlock. Good morning.

Do you believe in the equal rights for women?

What? Objection.

May it please the court, I submit that my entire line of defense is based on the proposition that persons of the female sex should be dealt with, before the law as the equals of persons of the male sex.

'I submit that I cannot hope to argue this line'

'before minds hostile to'

'and prejudiced against the female sex.'

Objection still stands, Your Honor.

Overruled. Exception.

Repeat the question, counselor.

Do you believe in equal rights for women?

I should say not.

The defendant challenges this juror for cause.

[Judge Marcasson] 'Excused. Ahem.'

[bailiff] Benjamin Klausner.

[male #1] 'Your Honor, in view of the fact that counsel have agreed'

'that alternate jurors are not to be selected'

'may we proceed without making a call'

'for additional prospective jurors at this time?'

[Judge Marcasson] 'You may proceed.'

[bailiff] 'Place your left hand on the Bible'

'raise your right hand.'

'You do solemnly swear that you will true answers'

'make to all questions put to you upon the several challenges'

'touching upon your competence as a fair'

'and impartial juror in this proceeding'

'between the people of the state of New York'

'and Doris Szabo Attinger, so help you God?'

I do. Be seated.

You're Benjamin Klowsner? Klausner.

State your address.

107 East 77 Street, New York City.

Occupation. Projectionist.

Motion picture projectionist.

Have you ever served on a motion picture projectionist before?

What? Uh..

[Adam] 'uh, h-have you ever served on a jury before?'

[Benjamin] 'No.'

[instrumental music]

[clock chiming]

Hello, thing. Hello.

At last.

Well, well, well. Well, well, well, what?

Here we are. How true.

Home at last.

Took the words right out of my..

Uh-huh, huh.

Darling? Mm.

Are you, are you alright?

How do you mean?

I mean, in, in health and so forth.

Sure. Good.

In health, excellent. In so forth, fair.

What's that some? Some daiquiris.

Oh, good. Good.

Hmm, nobody died in the evening papers.

Isn't that nice? Hm. What do you suppose it is?

Just perverseness of human nature or what?

Well, it seems that every night when Mary's out in the night that's the night I wanna stay home and vice-versa.

[chuckles] Not me. I love to go out to dinner.

I'd rather go out than anything.

Mm. Where do you wanna go tonight?

No place. I wanna stay home tonight.

What? What? Would you mind? Please?

Well, I don't know. Cook up something ourselves.

Something exotic. How would you care for some of that?

Oh, I would. Of what?

What you said.

Oh, fine. You gonna make it?

Say, you're not making too much sense, uh..

What do you wanna do? Talk to me or read that paper?

Read the paper. Why?

[chuckles] Quite a lot about me in it.

I guess that's why. Yes, I'll bet.

[chuckles] You feel Pinky, cranky?


You feel cranky, Pinky? Hm.

Hard day, huh? Mm-hmm.

In court all day, were you? Yes.

Had to mix it up with a tough customer, I'll bet.

That always makes you kind of irritable.

Not so bad, not so bad.

As a matter of fact, it was a cinch.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

Hm. Isn't it?

[sighs] Oh, my, my, my.


You mean me? I sure do.

Listen. I'm all ears.

Oh, sure. What?

You alright?

Me? Sure. Of course. Why?

Well, I just wouldn't wanna think of you not being alright, that's all.

You know what you are? What?

Lovable. I know. I know.

Are you hungry? I'm hungry. Yes, I'm starving.

Let's go.

Oh. Mmm!

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Give you a real rubdown later if you'll give me one.

Yeah. Adam!

[Adam] 'There. That's more like it.'

'Ouch.' 'What's the matter?'

[Amanda moans]

[Amanda shrieks]




Anything for a hungry man?

Cheese. A souffle, maybe? No, no, no, no.

See, I've got enough on my mind without a souffle.

There, there ought to be some lamb left.

Lamb.. I don't think..

Hey, wait a minute. Yes!

Lamb? Mm-hmm.

Curry! Lamb curry. What do you say?

Perfect. With rice.

Ha! Chutney, chutney, chutney.

Yes, I think so.

Tea. Tea and curry, that's the thing.

And salad is the thing.

Give me the junk for the salad.

[Adam] Hey, do you know you were pretty cute in there today, my little?

You weren't so bad yourself, chum.

You mind a bit of the old garlic?

Why a bit?

Pinkie? What, Pinky?

Do me a favor, will ya? Not too much salt?

No. Drop the case.

I can't. Why not?

It's my cause. I know. I know.

But I, I could see in there even today.

It's gonna get sillier and messier day by day by day.

By day.

I don't ask many favors. Sure, you do.

You could handle it from your desk.

Not as good. Practically.

Listen, darling, I know that deep down you agree with me, with everything I want and hope and believe in.

We couldn't be so close if you didn't if I didn't feel that you did.

Oh, sure, sure. I'll take this trial, sure.

Maybe it has some of the inconvenience of the spotlight.

But that's my whole point. What point?

Not any green peppers. Indigestible.

Well, everything's indigestible to some people--

Anyway, I don't like green peppers.

Alright, no green peppers. Take the Boston Tea Party.

You mean instead of the green peppers?

What did they do?

They dramatized an injustice. Yeah.

That's all I'm trying to do. Yeah.

You know, people will be making jokes about us over the radio before long.

All in a good cause. Your cause.


[doorbell buzzes]

Now there's just enough for us.

Hello, you well-known thing, you.

How are you?

You just ask that because you can't think of anything else to say.

You don't care whether I live or die.

Hello, lawyer dear. Seen all these?

Yeah. Thank you. Well, have some extras.

Marvelous goings-on. Simply marvelous.

Everybody's talking about it. Yeah.

That's the idea. Sort of like the World Series.

Sort of, isn't it? Yes, yes. I'm afraid it is.

What have you been eating? Raspberry jam or Amanda's face?


Oh, very funny. Very, very funny.

No, but I didn't even notice it.

Well, if you'd look at me once in a while you would notice things like that.

Bicker, bicker, bicker, I give them three months at the most.

What do you want around here, anyway?

As if you didn't know.

Oh, well..

How's, how's it coming? The show?

Hmm. Smashing. Simply smashing.

Couldn't get much work done today though.

Another notion got in the way. Oh, what?

A new song. Wanna hear it?

Well, maybe some other time-- It's not finished yet, but..

Please, it's for you.

And, Adam, you don't have to listen.

He's written a song. Darling, don't be so cross.

He really is sweet. Listening?

[piano music]

♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ Adios addio adieu ♪

♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ It all was great fun but it's done it's through ♪

♪ Still now and then fair Amanda ♪

♪ When you're stepping on the stars above ♪

♪ Please recall that wonderful night ♪

♪ On the veranda ♪

♪ Sweet Amanda ♪

♪ And our love ♪ No verse yet.


[piano music]


♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ Adios addio adieu ♪

♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ It all was great fun but it's done it's through ♪

♪ Still now and then fair Amanda ♪

♪ When you're stepping on the stars above ♪

♪ Please recall that wonderful night ♪

♪ On the veranda ♪

♪ Sweet Amanda ♪

♪ And our love ♪♪

[Kip whistling]

Hey! Oh!

Ow! Pardon.

Did I hear someone say sing it again?

No. I haven't got time, anyway.

It's very pretty. Pretty fresh.

You're not friendly to me. I may consult my lawyer.

I think you ought to change the name--

Can't. Can't. It won't scan, see?

Well, good luck tomorrow, Amanda.

I'm on your side. I guess you know that.

You've got me so convinced I may even go out and become a woman.

Well, goodnight all.

And he wouldn't have far to go either.

Shh! What's the matter?

[whispers] He can hear you.

[instrumental music]

[Adam] 'And then what happened?'

And then I heard a noise, and then I--

What kind of a noise?

Like a sound. Like a loud sound going off.

Yes? So I jumped up.

And all of a sudden, I saw her.

Mrs. Attinger? Yes.

Say so, please. I seen Mrs. Attinger.

And she was comin' after me with this gun of hers right in her two hands, so I guess I must have started to conk out or somethin'.

[laughter] Excuse me, to faint or something.

So then Mr. Attinger grabbed me so's I shouldn't fall down, I guess.

And then she, Mrs. Attinger, tried to kill me.

Objection, will the court, please, instruct the witness to refrain from testifying to conclusions?

Sustain that. Jury, disregard reply.

Strike from record.

Witness will, please, confine herself to the recital of facts.

What did she do? Well, she shot me. At me.

I mean, she tried to shoot me.

How do you know that? Because she did it.

So then he jumped in front of me, Warren, Mr. Attinger and I ran out in the hall hollering and then I fainted and everything went black.

Your witness.

Everything went black a little earlier.

Didn't it, Miss Caighn? 'What?'

I refer to the color of the black silk negligee you put on to receive Mr. Attinger.

Objection. Irrelevant. Not at all.

What difference does it make what color--

A lot. Oh, come, come.

'Overruled.' Exception.

Were you wearing a black silk lace negligee?

Yes. Speak up, Miss Caighn.

We're all very interested in what you have to say.

What else? What?

Answer the question.

I can't remember. Shoes? Slippers?

Yes. Which?

Slippers. Stockings?


Think again.

No. Nothing else?

Yes. What?

A hair ribbon.

This your usual costume for receiving casual callers?

Objection. Sustained.

Withdrawn. Uh, uh, Miss Caighn you said, uh, Mr. Attinger came to see you about--

About another insurance policy. I said this already.

Well, say it again.

Mr. Attinger came to collect on my policy and explained me another kind.

You hold? Straight Life 3000.

And he came to discuss? Health and accident.

[scoffs] He showed remarkable foresight in this, wouldn't you say?

Would Your Honor instruct counsel refrain from these sly and feminine hints to the jury?

I'll withdraw the question, Your Honor, on condition that the word feminine be stricken from the record.

So be it. So ordered.

Miss Caighn, uh, a while ago you said, uh, um..

Would you be kind enough to read me some of Miss Caighn's testimony?

Uh, she just fainted, I believe, for the first time.

[indistinct] "So I guess I must have started to conk out or something.

"Excuse me, to faint or something.

So Mr. Attinger grabbed me--"

Ah! That's it. Thank you very much.

You said Mr. Attinger grabbed you.


Had he ever grabbed you before?


Never before? No.

You're aware that you're under oath, Miss Caighn?

And that any false answer makes you liable to perjury?


Mr. Attinger had never touched you before this time.

Sure. Ah!

We used to shake hands quite a lot.

I see. Did you enjoy it?

Objection! Sustained.

[instrumental music]

And the year before that, what did you give your wife for her birthday?

Nothing. Nothing again.

And the year before that? I don't remember.

You don't remember because there's nothing to remember.

Wait a second. It was, uh..

Ah, husbands remember the gifts they give, Mr. Attinger.

'Okay, so I didn't.' 'Why?'

[Amanda] Had she ceased to be a good wife to you?

Uh, she's okay.

Mr. Attinger, do you wish to see justice done in this case?

Yes. Alright then. Tell the truth.

Do you love your wife? Tell the truth.


Did you love her before she shot you?

Tell the truth.

When before? The day before.


When did you meet Beryl Caighn?

A year, maybe and a half.

And when did you stop loving your wife? Tell the truth.

At least three years.

Why? Tell the truth.

She started getting too fat.

Did you tell her about that? Yeah.

What happened? She got fatter.

Mr. Attinger, did you ever..

...strike your wife?

Not much. Tell the jury yes or no.

Yeah. Knock her down?

What? You heard me.

Did you ever knock her down?

Tell the truth.

Maybe a couple of times, she tripped or slipped.

Scold her? Well--

Tell the jury yes or no.

Yeah. Stay out all night?


'Do you consider yourself a good husband?'


[scoffs] That's all.

Your wife ever scold you? Yes.

Strike you? Yes.

Knock you down? Yes.

Did she ever stay out all night?

No. I wish she did.

Never mind the comment. Just answer the questions.

What I'm doin' now, all day, all day.

Now listen to this very carefully.

Did your wife ever threaten you?

Sure. Yeah.

When? Every day.

And, uh, what effect did this have upon you?

It made me into a nervous wreck.

How else did she mistreat you?

In bed. She used to hit me in my sleep.

How? What do you mean how?

With her fist.

Now, you're, uh, you're sure this wasn't just your imagination?

You don't get a split lip from imagination.

She used to wait until I went to sleep.

Then pow, pow! So then an argument.

So then I'd go to sleep again. So then pow, pow!

And this caused you great distress?

Yes. Also sleepless nights.

[instrumental music]

I says, "Listen, Warren."

I says, "You can't have it both ways, you know

"so make up your mind and don't try to make some kind of part-timer out of me."

So he says, "Bite your tongue, fatso."

So I says, "You comin' home for supper?"

So he says, "I'll write you a letter."

So I said, "You comin' home after?"

So he says, "I'll put an ad

"in the 'New York Times' personal column and let you know."

So I says, "Don't get too sassy, Mr. Attinger."

So he says, "And don't you be lookin' at me so cockeyed

"'cause I don't wanna have to shake your head up to straighten 'em out."

So I threw it.

'Threw what?' The pot.

So he left mad.

[Amanda] 'And that was the last you saw him?'

Till later when I followed him up and caught him muzzlin' that tall job.

[indistinct chatter]

Objection. 'Sustained.'

[Judge Marcasson] 'Instruct jury, bear in mind'

'activity not yet known.'

When you entered Department D, what did you see?

Them clutchin'.

[Amanda] 'How close together were they?'

No close. Together.

'No space between them?' No space.

Where were her hands? On his ears.

On his ears? One on each ear.

Hey, maybe that's why he didn't hear me come in.

'And where were his hands?' Who knows?

'You didn't see them?'

Around her someplace.

'Did that surprise you?' No. I figured.

But it enraged you?

'Objection. Leading.' Sustained.

When you found them thus embraced, what happened?

Uh, it enraged me.

'Then what?'

I pressed the gun.

'And?' Bang.

'Did you take careful aim?' I was too nervous.

'Did you aim at all?' I was too nervous.

Did you at that time intend to kill Beryl Caighn?

No. 'To wound her?'

No. 'To frighten her?'


To kill your husband, Warren Attinger?

No. 'To wound him?'

No. 'To frighten him?'

No. 'No?'


In other words, you fired the pistol only to frighten Beryl Caighn.


'What was the point of that?'

I have three children!

She was breakin' up my home.


[indistinct chatter]

That's right, Mrs. Attinger, you go right ahead and have a good cry.

But somewhere in between those sobs maybe you could find time to tell us just who it is you're crying for.

Is it for Beryl Caighn, an innocent bystander to your sordid domestic failure or is it your husband driven ill by your shrewishness?

Or is it your children cursed with an unstable and irresponsible mother?

Or could it be for yourself?

I object to this pre-peroration, Your Honor on the grounds that it is prejudicial to the defendant.

Oh, let it stand. I can't see that it much matters.

Overruled. Exception.

But do get on with it, Mr. Bonner, please.

Your husband has testified, Mrs. Attinger that you have frequent fits of temper.

What have you-- I must object--

Oh, what are you gonna do?

Object before I ask the question?

...paint the defendant as a kind of lunatic of some sort.

Mrs. Attinger is a fine, healthy, a noble wife, mother.

Just a moment, please!

May I remind the court of the words of the poet Congreve?

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned nor hell a fury like a woman scorned!"

Now just a moment!

Read the question.

"Your husband has testified, Mrs. Attinger

"that you are subject to frequent fits of violent temper.

Now what about.."

[instrumental music]


Don't tell me that judge is impartial, mm.

Every time I look up at him, I can just see him.

Quiet, please.

It doesn't do you any good if you don't..

Wait a minute. Relax. I'm relaxed.

Uh, you're not. I can feel. So can I.

You can? Hmm.

Ow! What are you doing? Testing.


Oh. Oh.

Oh, I thank you, thank you, thank you.

Seems to me I need this more every year.

You're aging fast, that's all. You can say that again.

Alright, I will. You're aging fast, that's all.

Oh, and you're helping.

Mm. Done.

Oh! I thank you. I thank you.

[sighs] 'Wha..'

Oh, there's some news on the radio. You wanna hear it?

If it's good news, yep. Oh, well.

Oh, sorry. I'll do my best.

Why don't they have all the good news on one station and all the bad news on another station?

Wouldn't that be good? Hmm.

♪ Farewell Amanda ♪ I guess nobody's ever thought of it before.

♪ Adios♪♪ I got the station with the bad news.


Getting awfully popular, Kip's song.

I hear it everywhere. Yeah, so do I.

I hear it sometimes even when it isn't playing.


♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ Adios addio adieu ♪

♪ Farewell Amanda ♪♪


What's the matter? Don't you want your rub now or what?

What's, uh, what, are you sore about a little slap?

No. Well, what then?

You meant that, didn't you?

You really meant that. Why, no!

Yes, you did. I can tell. I know your touch.

I know a slap from a slug! Well, okay, okay.

I'm not so sure it is, I'm not so sure I care to expose myself to typical instinctive masculine brutality.

Oh, come now!

And it felt not only as though you meant it, but as though you felt you had a right to.

I can tell.

What have you got back there? Radar equipment?

You're really sore at me, aren't you?

Oh, don't be diriculous, ridiculous.

There. Proves it. Alright.

Alright, I am sore! I am sore! What about it?

Why are you? You know why.

You mean Kip? Just because he's having a little fun?

No, because you're having a little fun.

You're having the wrong kind of fun down in that courtroom.

You're shaking the law by the tail and I don't like it!

I'm ashamed of you, Amanda.

Is that so? Yes, that's so.

We've had our little differences and I've always tried to see your point of view but this time you've got me stumped, baby.

You haven't tried to see my point of view.

You haven't even any respect for my, my, my--

There we go. There we go.

There we go, oh, oh.

Here we go again. The old juice.



Guaranteed heart melter. A few female tears.

I can't help it. Stronger than any acid.

But this time they won't work.

You can cry from now until the time the jury comes in and it won't make you right and it won't win you that silly case!

Adam! Please, please, try to understand!



Don't you want your rubdown?

You want a drink?

No. Do you want any..

[breathing heavily]

What, honey?

Ow! Let's all be manly!

[instrumental music]

And represents a wanton waste of the taxpayer's money. Your Honor--

I have called these few witnesses to assist me in graphically illustrating my point that woman as the equal of man is entitled to equality before the law.

'They have been carefully selected'

'to testify in this case.'

'Each representing a particular branch of American womanhood'

'for not only one woman is on trial here but all women.'

[Adam] 'Your Honor, I submit that not one of this long string'

'of witnesses has any direct bearing on the case.'

[Amanda] 'For years, women have been ridiculed, pampered'

'chucked under the chin.'

'I ask you on behalf of us all'

'be fair to the fair sex.'

We'll be here a year.

Mrs. Bonner, couldn't you cover the ground with, say, three witnesses?

Well, uh, Dr. Margaret Brodeigh would you take the stand, please?

[male #1] 'With this witness to be examined'

'this case will certainly continue'

'for at least two or three days.'

'With Your Honor's permission, I'll report that'

'no new cases are to be added to our day calendar.'

[bailiff] 'Place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand.'

'You do solemnly swear that the evidence'

'you shall give to the court and jury in this case'

'will be the truth, the whole truth'

'and nothing but the truth, so help you God?'

'I do.' 'Please be seated.'

'State your name and address.' 'Dr. Margaret Brodeigh.'

[Margaret] '58 East, 88 Street.'

Dr. Brodeigh, would you be good enough to state your age?

Thirty three.

Your occupation? Chemist.

Now will you tell the court what position

'or positions you now hold?'

Gladly. Chief consulting chemist Institute for Advanced Studies.

Director, Brodeigh-Halleck Laboratories.

Civilian consultant, United States Army Chemical Warfare Service.

'Advisor to supply officer, British Embassy.'

'Director of Chemical Field Research'

United States Department of Agriculture.

That's this year.

Now will you tell the court what degrees you have?

Well, let's see.

AB, BS, Bryn Mawr.

MA, Ph.D, MD, Columbia.

Then, uh.. Do you want the European ones too?

Please. Well.

[Margaret speaking in French]

I see. Now how many months have you been foreman, Mrs. McGrath?


And this promotion placed under you how many?

Uh, 383.

Any men? Mostly.

They didn't complain? Couldn't. Seniority.

'Does your husband object to your employment?'

No. 'Is he employed?'

Yes. 'Where?'

Under me.

[all laughing]

Now just what do you mean by show business, Miss La Pere?

Well, I mean, all different kinds of show business.

There's carnival and vaudeville, Ringling Brothers, nightclubs.

I even did legit once. Just what is it that you do?

Well, it changes, see? Like, take, for instance, tumbling.

I used to do a lot of that tumbling but it gets corny, and I'm stuck with the role of flip-flap--

Just what are they? Well, it's a..

They, uh, start with a..

[crowd laughing]

Hey, look.

[crowd gasping]


That's it.

But nobody wants it. It's corny.

So then I got to trapeze work and high bar but I'm getting a little heavy for that now so two years back, I got into this lift act.

I'm one of the only female understanders around.

What? Yeah.

We do this open pyramid where I support five men.

Surely, you're not the only female who does that.

Oh, no, I mean, in the act.. Oh, a gag.


Hey, you know, that's pretty good.

Yeah, support.

Hey, you know, that was a good one.

[Judge Marcasson] 'Let's get on, counsel, shall we?'

Uh, uh, yes, sir.

Uh, now, um, what do you consider your best physical or athletic accomplishment?

Mm, my lifts, I guess.

I was out last year, these three Olympic guys and me. Just lifts.

You see, I've done the finish where I lift the champ with his barbell together.

What? Oh, yeah. This was a good act.

You see, they lift, lift, lift and then the last guy does a one-hand 350 barbell lift.

Then while he's still got it up I come on and lift him with his barbell together.

Peeled down, see, so they could tell I was a woman.

Remarkable. Oh, yeah.

I used to get a good hand.

Can you lift any man?

Well, I don't know.

Could you lift Mr. Bonner? Who's he?

Your Honor, I object to this farce. I call the counsel's..

That's him. Him? Oh, sure.

May it, please, the court, I strenuously object to the methods being used in this matter, Your Honor if for no other reason that it's a, it's an insult to the dignity of the court. Now we all love the circus.

I love it just as much as anybody else, I'm sure.

But it seems to me.. No, no, no, no!

I'll get you up here. That's it.

Clap your hands. Put him down!

[all laughing]

Your Honor, I am only trying to demonstrate--

Let me down! Let me down, lady!

Come on down from there!

Your Honor, Your..

Just put him down!

Put him down. Put him down.

Let me down, lady.

Now, baby, there you are now.

[instrumental music]

Hello, thing.

I'm sorry I'm so late, darling, but I..

Guess who this is for.


Darling, please.

You're real mad or is this a tease or what?

Real mad.

Shouldn't we talk about it?

Don't you wanna hear my side?

Oh, Adam.

Oh, Adam, don't you wanna talk to me?


Well, what is it?

Did I go too far?

Well, if you think I did, then I'm sorry.

Well, can't I apologize?

Didn't you ever go too far?


Now, Adam, if I'm in the wrong, I want to make it right but you're making a mountain out of something that isn't even a anthill, let alone a molehill.

A hill of beans-- Excuse me, excuse me.

May I say just one thing? Of course.

Save your eloquence for the jury.

Adam, please, forgive me. What for?

For whatever it is that's upset you.

Oh, you don't know what it is? Oh, not exactly, no.

Uh-huh, that's just my point. What point?

We've been close, but we've never been this close and I wanna tell you that this close I see something in you I've never seen before and I don't like it.

As a matter of fact, I hate it.

Go ahead.

Contempt for the law, that's what you've got.

It's a disease. A spreading disease.

You think the law is something that you can get over or get under or get around or get.. Or just plain flaunt.

You start with that, you wind up in the..

Well, look at us.

The law is the law whether it's good or bad!

If it's bad, the thing to do is to change it.

Not just to bust it wide open.

You start with one law. Then pretty soon, it's all laws.

And pretty soon, it's everything.

Then it's me.

You got no respect for me, have you?

Not at the moment, no.

Answer me one question, will you?

What is marriage? Tell me that.

You tell me. Alright, I will tell you.

It's a contract. It's the law.

Are you going to outsmart that the way you've outsmarted all other laws?

That's clever. That's very clever.

You've outsmarted yourself and you've outsmarted me and you've outsmarted everything.

You get yourself set on some dimwitted cause and you go ahead regardless.

You don't care what it does to me or does to you or does to anybody.

And you don't care what people watching will think of us.

Well, I'll tell you what they think of us.

They think we're a couple of uncivilized nuts!


Just what blow you struck for women's rights or what have you, I am sure I don't know.

But you certainly have fouled us up beyond all recognition.

You split us right down the middle.


Just how?

I've done it all the way I said I would.

Sickness, health, richer poorer, better or worse.

This is too worse. This is basic.

I'm old-fashioned. I like two sexes.

Yeah, and another thing, all of a sudden, I don't like being married to what is known as a new woman.

I want a wife, not a competitor.

Competitor! Competitor!

If you wanna be a big he-woman, go and be it, but not with me.

You're not gonna solve anything by running away.

Where are you going?

Why don't you stand still and have it out?

Where are you going? Because I don't want to.

Adam, please. I've said all the wrong things.

I don't know what's the matter with me. But you, you've said--

Oh, no, I haven't. I've said everything I meant.

Adam! What?

Don't you dare slam that door.


[door slams]

[mirror shatters]


♪ Farewell Amanda ♪

♪ Adios adios adieu♪♪

[instrumental music]

And so the question here is equality before the law regardless of religion, color, wealth or, as in this instance, sex.

Excuse me.

Law, like man, is composed of two parts.

Just as man is body and soul so is the law letter and spirit.

The law says thou shalt not kill.

Yet men have killed and proved a reason and been set free.

Self-defense, defense of others of wife, of children and home.

If a thief breaks into your house and you shoot him the law will not deal harshly with you nor indeed should it.

So here you are asked to judge not whether or not these acts were committed but to what extent they were justified.

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury I request that you join me in a revealing experiment.

I ask you all to direct your attention to the defendant, Mrs. Attinger.

Now keep looking at her. Keep watching.

Listen carefully and look at her. Look at her hard.

Now imagine her a man.

'Go on now. Use your imaginations.'

'Think of her as a man'

'sitting there accused of a like crime.'

'A husband who was only trying to protect his home.'

'Now hold it, hold that impression'

'and look at Beryl Caighn.'

'Look at her. Look at her hard.'

'A man. A slick homewrecker.'

'A third party.'

'A wolf. You know the type.'

'Alright, hold that impression and look at Mr. Attinger'

'and suppose him a woman.'

'Try. Try hard.'

'Ah, yes, there she is.'

'The guilty wife. Look at her.'

Does she arouse your sympathy?

Alright. Now you have it.

Judge it so!

An unwritten law stands back of a man who fights to defend his home.

Apply this same law to this maltreated wife and neglected woman.

'We ask you no more. Equality.'

Deep in the heart of South America there thrives today a civilization far older than ours.

A people known as the Lorcananos descended from the Amazons.

'In this vast tribe'

'members of the female sex'

'rule and govern'

'and systematically deny' equal rights to the men made weak and puny by years of subservience too weak to revolt.

'And yet how long have we lived'

'in the shadow of a like injustice?'

Consider this unfortunate woman's act as though you yourselves had each committed it.

Every living being is capable of attack if sufficiently provoked.

'Assault lies dormant within us all.'

'It requires only circumstance' to set it in violent motion.

I ask you..

...for a verdict of not guilty.

There was no murder attempt here.

Only a..

...pathetic attempt to save a home.

First of all, I should like to say at the outset that I think the, uh, arguments advanced by the counsel for the defense were sound.

Mere sound.


Ladies and joodlemen of the gerry uh, that is to say, gentlemen of the jury.

While I have been vastly amused by some of the entertainment provided here I must remind you that it has absolutely no bearing on the case.

Of course, I'm going to ask you for a verdict of guilty as charged.

You, not I, must speak for the people and the people ask you to say citizens abide by the law.

No one can feel safe living in a community when there are reckless and irresponsible neurotics wandering about its thoroughfares armed with deadly weapons.

You must deal with criminals-- Objection!

You must deal with criminals-- Not brought out by testimony--

Sit down, Pinkie! I didn't get up and interrupt you--

'Just a moment!' I didn't get his last--

You said sit down somethin'.

Uh, no matter, no matter, no matter.

May I have it for the record, please?

Sit down, Pinkie.


Yes. What's that? A name?

Yes. Whose?

The counsel for the defense.

Oh. Is that a Y or an I-E?

Y for him, I-E for me.

Can, uh, can we get on with it?

What-what-what was your objection, Pinkie, counsel?

I object to the characterization of the defendant as a criminal.

A strange appellation indeed.. Sustained.

...for one who has an unblemished record as a citizen, wife and mother.

Just a moment. I have ruled.

The court has ruled. Alright, Pinky.

Well, uh, as I was saying or rather as I was hoping I would be able to say uh, the purpose of any summation it seems to me in any lourt of caw uh, in any court of caw..

'I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen.'

'Let me begin again.'

What is there for you to decide? One thing.

Was she trying to kill her husband and Beryl Caighn or both? I smile.

I find it a little difficult to proceed in this case without bursting into laughter at the utter plimsicity of the answer and the puny excuse well after the fact that she was merely trying to frighten them.


I resent, I resent any neighbor who takes the law into her own hands and places a special interpretation upon it just for herself.

Now let's-let's take the character of this, uh, Doris Attinger.

I'm afraid that's going to be a little difficult because we haven't been told much about her in here and we certainly haven't seen Doris Attinger in this courtroom.

What we have seen is a performance complete with makeup and c-costume.

Coached by her counsel for the defense she has presented a sweet face.

What a sweet face.

Crowned by a tenderly trimmed bonnet.

I find it a little difficult to be taken in ladies and gentlemen, because I happen to be the fellow who paid for the bonnet, and here's the receipt to prove it.

Do you mind if I show that to the court and to the jury?

I'd like to enter this as people's exhibit number 12.

And also, Mrs. Attinger, I would like to have my hat back!


Your Honor! Mr. District Attorney--

Now any further attempts--

You will conclude your summation without any further demonstration!

[instrumental music]

Okay, everybody, let's go!

[indistinct chatter]

[bailiff] 'Please rise.'

Please be seated.

Mr. Foreman, please rise.

Have you agreed upon a verdict?

We have.

[bailiff] 'Jurors, please rise.'

Defendant, rise.

Jurors, look upon the defendant.

Defendant, look upon the jurors.

How say you? Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?

We find the defendant not guilty.

[indistinct chatter]

[bailiff] 'Hearken to your verdict as it stands recorded.'

'You say you find the defendant not guilty of the offense'

'as charged in the indictment.'

'So say you all?' Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury thank you for your efforts.

'Jury dismissed. Defendant discharged.'

Court is adjourned. 'Please rise.'

[indistinct chatter]

[reporters clamoring]

[reporters clamoring]

I, I don't want my picture taken.

How about the three of you shakin' hands?

Shakin' hands, that's it. All is forgiven.

[indistinct chatter]


Hey, no, wait a minute. One more picture.

My babies! My babies! Come on, get me a camera!

Now let's get the two of these together.

There she is. My babies! Oh!

Come on, let's get some pictures.

Hey, bring the children around.

Turn around, son. Let your face love the camera.

Bring the father in!

Turn around. Bring Beryl in. Where's Beryl?

[reporters clamoring]

Congratulations. Thanks.

Or should I say congratulations?



I wish it could have been a tie, Adam--

Stand together, will you, right there?

Do you consider this a significant verdict?

Yes, she does. Can you look pleasant at her?

Laugh it up for the camera. Smile!

"A small but important step in women's march toward equality and justice."

From the front part of your summation.

Okay to quote you now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How 'bout shakin' hands? Come on. Shake hands.

Good idea. Shake hands. All is forgiven. Swell.

One more. No, that's enough.

Put your arm around her.

That's enough! Oh! Let's go.

I'm sorry about-- Excuse me, please.

Great job, Mrs. Bonner. Thank you.

Well. Yeah.

[reporters clamoring]


We have to get with Julie over the quarterly tax return.

Remember? Oh.

Um, tomorrow alright?

Fine. Want me to set it up?

No, no, I'll do it. Thanks.

Well. Nothing.

See you.

Yes, I suppose so.

[instrumental music]

Question of the value of the residuals of the piece.

You see, the, the, uh, question of retaining copyright..

You know, I made a mistake tonight.


I should have invited your mind to supper too.

What? Your absent mind.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Kip.

Sure, this is in order though. Thanks.

Want a drink?

He thinks I'm unreasonable. Who?

Adam. Oh, never mind Adam.

Well, just, just as a, as a friend, Kip.

Yes, you beautiful barrister, you.

As a friend, do.. you think that I'm unreasonable?

I think you're reasonable.

Yes, but, but do, do I strike you strike you as overbearing?


I may be wrong about much about plenty, but not about this.

Not about what? Marriage.

What it's supposed to be?

What makes it work or perfect? You're so right.

Balance, equality, mutual everything.

There's no room in marriage for what used to be known as the little woman.

She's got to be as big as the man is.

What if he's a little man? Sharing.

That's what it takes to make a marriage.

Keep a marriage from getting sick of all the duties and respon..

Now you're sure that we can hear my phone in here?

'I'm sure.'

All the duties and responsibilities and-and troubles.

Listen, no part of marriage is the exclusive province of any one sex.

Well, now why can't he see that?

Because he's unreasonable.

Well.. And overbearing.

Sore as he was that was wrong, wrong to call me a comtetitor.

A what? A competitor?


What a way to put it.

Well, he's just miffed because he lost.

Oh, don't be idiotic.

Be something, won't it?

Win the case and lose my husband.

Well, maybe it's a test.

Maybe, if we weather this, we'll be better together and..

...if we don't..

Lawyers should never marry other lawyers.

This is called inbreeding from which comes idiot children and more lawyers.

I wish he'd call me up.

You're-you're sure that we can hear my phone in here?

Lawyers should marry piano players or songwriters or both.

How would you like to give me a little kiss?

What time is it? Wouldn't like to, hmm?

Why don't I? Why don't I call him up?

How would you like me to give you a little kiss?

I would, but I don't know where to call him, that's why.

Well, you couldn't with your mouth full, anyway.

[mumbles] I don't know where he is.

Amanda. Amanda. What?

Do you mind if I call you Mrs. Bonner?

Equality. Mutual everything.

Or nothing. Mrs. Bonner, I love you.

I love lots of girls and ladies and women and so on but you're the only one I know why I love, and you know why?

Because you live right across the hall from me.

You're mighty attractive in every single way, Mrs. Bonner but I'd probably love anybody who lived right across the hall from me. It's so convenient.

Is there anything worse than that awful taking a girl home and then that long trek back alone?

Want to trade kisses? That's equal.

Now you look here, Kip, I'm fighting my prejudices but it's clear that you're behaving like a, like a..

Well, I hate to put it this way, but like a man.

You watch your language.

Was that my phone?

Oh, could I use your pass key? 'Sure thing.'

What would I ever do without you, Louie?

You'd remember your keys.

Don't wait. I'll be right down.

Sure thing.

Just pretend like they do on the stage like Lunt and Fontanne.

You be Lunt and I'll be Fontanne.

Uh, the other way. Okay.

[Adam] Alright. Alright.

Break it up.


Adam, Adam.

L-listen to me, Adam.

Don't you handle me, lady.

I'm not nutty. Not any more than the average.

You said it yourself today, didn't you?

You said anyone is capable of attack if provoked.

You bet, including me. Yes.

Don't you move, young man.

You stand as still as you can be.

Now, Adam, Adam.

You said that before.

Now, Adam, you're sick. Please.

What do you think you're doing?

Teaching a lesson.

Him first.

Then comes yours.

Now get away, Amanda.

Adam, stop. 'Get away, Amanda!'

Don't you do it, Amanda. Stop it, Adam. Stop it.

You've no right. You can't do what you're doing.

'You've no right?' What?

No one has a right to..

That's all, sister. That's all I wanted to hear.

Music to my tin ear.

[both screaming]


Mm, if there's anything I'm a sucker for, it's licorice.

I'll never forget this!


Me neither.

I'll never forget that no matter what you think you think you think the same as I think.

That I have no right.

That no one has a right to break the law.

That your client had no right.

That I'm right and you're wrong.

...worthless, corrupt, mean, rotten dirty, contemptible, little, petty, gruesome, contemptible--

You said all that before. What?

Go on back to your wrestling match.

[Amanda] You think you can just hit and run?

Well, that's where you're wrong.

I have a thing or two to say too--

Oh, no, no. Don't try me now, Pinkie.

Don't you Pinkie me. What's biting you, Adam?

[Adam] 'You're biting me, that's what is biting me.'

[indistinct shouting]

'How dare you!' 'I can have you arrested!'

[indistinct shouting]


[Amanda] You just get out of here.

The manners of a great big educated ape.

You think you've humiliated me.

Well, that's where you're wrong, my boy.

You haven't humiliated anyone with the possible exception of yourself.

You've just revealed yourself for what you are.

You just couldn't bear to be bested by a woman--

Alright, alright, that's enough yelling just to let the people..

If you wanna talk to me, go on in and sit down we'll talk things over.

Are you joking? I'd be afraid to be in the same room with a mad bull.

I'll never be in the same room with you again!

That's fine. Suits me fine. What?

You will be in the same room with me don't forget that, to settle things.

Alright! And that's tomorrow.

And don't forget it.


...for what you owe me, you great clumsy oaf!

Oh, go inside!

You think you know something about law.

Well, let me tell you. I know something about law too.


Let me tell you, I know something about the law and there's gonna be a law against you!

[doors slam]

[instrumental music]

Nobody. Like I told you, just plain nobody.

I don't know what's the matter with you lately.

'You're always hearing things.'

Now, here's a check.

$337.41 issued to Martin L. Baumer.

What's that? It's on the joint account.

Furrier. Mending a coat.

Put it on mine, please.

Wait. The coat was a present.

I know. Well, I gave you the coat.

That's why I expect to keep it in repair.

Not at all. But I want to.

I can't help that.

Listen, if we're gonna debate every one of these, we'll be here till the next quarter.

Okay. Mine.

And not deductible. ND.

Alright. Now, next is Pollard and Douglas.

That's seeds.

Seeds for the house in the country.


We like a lot of plants. Liked.


Alright, $100. $100 to Dwight Everly.

[laughs] That was a.. Remember that.

Uh, that was a bet, uh, we lost.

I lost. A bet? What kind of bet?

Uh, what difference does it make?


Something you can't tell me? Oh, it's nothing. It's silly.

Uh-huh. Alright.

Juel Delwyn, $280.

You should note all these on your stubs. Saves time.

That was mine. Not deductible.

What is it? Maybe it is. Just some underwear.

Underwear? Hm.

Two hundred and eighty dollars' worth?

Wasn't my underwear.

Very well.

Thank you.

Bridgeport, Connecticut Citizens Bank, $8740.30.

That's what?

That's the last payment on the farm.

Written on the stub there, I'm sure, Jules.

I made out that check myself. I'm sure it's there, Julie.

Well, who said it wasn't? I-i-it isn't.

The point is, how much of that is interest, which is deductible and how much of it is actual mortgage payment, which is not?

Uh, I don't know. Do you, Adam?

No, no, I suppose by that time, we were so excited at getting it paid off that we just got careless.

'Oh, uh, this was final?' Yes.

We, um, own it now.

Every scrap.

It took us six years.

But we made it.

Free and clear.


[Jules] 'You know, there's a new ruling on that.'

'This process could be considered' as paying the interest in advance.

The taxpayer, however, can deduct this type of interest payment only at the time the mortgage is fully paid.

Taxpayers who use the accrual method of accounting can, of course, take the deduction as the interest payments accrued during the life of the mortgage.

But I don't know whether that would actually..

Listen, Pinky. What?

If we started now, we could get there in time for dinner.

You mean, and see the dogs?

Yeah, yeah.

[sighs] Of course, there isn't much in the freeze.

You don't wanna go.

Oh, uh, we'll be here another two hours at least.

Yes, I do.

You don't really wanna go.

[Jules] 'But there are a lot more items.'



Come on. Come on.


Come on.

Home. Back to the farm.

Oh, wait a minute. You've got to--

Oh, sign our names. Give them all the money.

Sign anything. But this could cost you.

Oh, we don't care about that.

The more taxes we pay, the better we like it.



[instrumental music]

Hey! Speakin' to me?

You were pretty good. When?

All the way through. Especially the summation.

You had me.

Almost. Almost?


You weren't so bad yourself. No, I didn't think so either.

[chuckles] Uh, we got a big thing to talk about tomorrow.

What? Uh..

They want me to run for that county court judgeship.

The Republicans do. It's a sure seat, practically.

Pinky. Yeah, yeah, that's me.

County Court Judge Pinky.


I'm real proud of you.

I'd rather have you say that than anything.

Thank you.

♪ Hello Amanda ♪

♪ Here's a hearty welcome to you ♪

♪ Hello Amanda ♪

♪ The battle was fun but it's done it's through ♪

♪ And from now on fair Amanda ♪

♪ Oh when you're gazing at the stars above ♪

♪ We'll revive that wonderful night ♪

♪ On the veranda ♪

♪ Sweet Amanda ♪ Adam. 'Yes?'

♪ And our love ♪♪ Have they picked the, uh, Democratic candidate yet?

I was just wondering.

You were. Mm.

But you wouldn't.

How do you know?

Because I'd cry, and then you wouldn't.

What? I'd cry.

The way I did in Julie's office today.

Got me what I wanted, didn't it? Got me you back.

Those were real, those tears. Of course, they were.

But I can turn 'em on anytime I want to.

Us boys can do it, too, you know.

It's just that we just never think to.

Bunk! Bunk, huh?

Keep your eye on the eye.

Now we're having a-a little fuss see, and I'm losing.

So here they come.

On your mark now. Get set, go.


Now I'll help it along a little like this.


Oh, yes.

There ain't any of us don't have our little tricks, you know.

Alright, but, but what does that show? What have you proved?

[chuckles] It shows the score.

Shows that what I said was true.

There's no difference between the sexes.

Men, women, the same.

[blows nose] They are, huh?

Well, maybe there is a difference but it's a little difference.

[chuckles] Well, you know, as the French say.

What do they say?

Vive la difference. Which means?

Which means hooray for that little difference.

[instrumental music]