Addams Family Values (1993) Script

Come, sorrow. We welcome thee.

Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.

Dearly beloved...

Shh!

Tsk tsk tsk.


Good show, old man.

Gomez.

Cara mia?

Marvelous news.

I'm going to have a baby... right now.

Nurse, how close are the contractions?

Every 15 seconds, Doctor.

Are you in unbearable pain?

Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?

Oui.

And then mommy kissed daddy, and the angel told the stork.

The stork flew down from heaven and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby.

Our parents are having a baby, too.

They had sex.

Push, Mrs. Addams.

Forceps!

Forceps.

Forceps!

Aah!

Would you like anesthesia?

No, thank you. But do ask the children.

Cara mia.

Mon cher.

Mrs. Addams, the baby?

Pardon.

It's a boy. It's a girl.

Gomez! What news?

Father, what is it?

It's an Addams!


I've arranged a little surprise, my dearest.

I hope you like it.

Oh, Gomez, it's dark, it's depressing, it's desolate.

It says, "toddler."

It's a dream.

Come, cara mia.

The Addams cradle.

Welcome home, my son.

That's not true.

It is so. Everyone knows it is.

When you have a new baby, one of the other children has to die.

Really? It's a tradition. One of us has to go.

Which one?

Well, they only need one boy.

He has my father's eyes.

Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

Coochie coochie coo.

A baby in the house.

It's about time. Hey, kiddo.

Did you see that?

He's a real devil.

Pugsley, the baby weighs 10 pounds.

The cannonball weighs 20 pounds.

Which will hit the stone walkway first?

I'm still on fractions.

Which do you think?

The cannonball?

Very good. But which one will bounce?

The baby?

There's only one way to find out.

Ready?

1...

2...

3.

What a glorious evening.

Rain.

Cara mia.

Oh, dear.

Children, why do you hate the baby?

We don't hate him. We just want to play with him.

Especially his head.

Do you think we love the baby more than we love you?

Yes. Yes.

Do you think when a new baby arrives, another child has to die?

Yes. Yes.

Well, that's just not true.

Not anymore.

It's just sibling rivalry.

Gomez, do you remember what we were like?

I hated you! I despised you.

I choked him till he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator.

I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth.

When he was asleep, I opened his skull and removed his brains.

You did?

A brother!

Brother!

Children, you see?


"Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the republic."

Hoorah!

Justice is served.

Bring forward the evil one.


You have betrayed the people of France.

You are evil incarnate.

How do you plead?

Guilty.

Guilty by her own admission.

The sentence is death.

Executioner, place her on the block.

1...

2...

Children, what are you doing?

Playing! Playing!

3!

Woe to the republic.

Look at you.

Midnight, moonlight, surrounded by death.

It's been too long.

Do it! Hold him still!

You missed.

Here, catch!

I don't want him!

One house, three children.

So many windows.

My darling, it's you I'm worried about, the stress, all this squabbling.

Oh, I'll be fine.

I'm just like any modern woman, trying to have it all... loving husband, a family.

It's just I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade, that's all.

You can! You shall! So it must be!

But how?

Children, as your new nanny, I know that we're all concerned about the environment, so this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.

Prevent them?

All right, children, I've had it up to here.

Now you just answer one simple question.

Where is that baby?

Which part?

Hello, kiddies.

I'm Polly the puppet.

What shall we do today?

I know. Let's all clean our rooms.

Hello, Polly.

I'll clean my room in exchange for your immortal soul.

Hi. Addams residence?

Ooh, it's old.

And big.

Lurch.

Hi! Hi. I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.

The agency?

But they claimed no one else was available.

They suggested a Doberman.

Surprise! I've been out of town.

Are you the mom?

I am Mrs. Addams.

I love your dress. It's so tight.

Thank you.

Gomez.

I believe we may have a new nanny...

Miss Jellinsky.

Deb.

Isn't he a lady-killer?

Acquitted.

I'll show you all my references so you'll know I'm not a homicidal maniac.

Of course you're not. You're too young.

Welcome to our home.

There's a belfry, a swamp, and a dungeon down below.

Cable? Of course.

Debbie.

Oh, is that the little critter?

Oh, no. This is our baby.

He's adorable. He's perfect. What's his name?

It was agony.

We went through all the usual baby names...

Lucifer...

Benito...

Mao.

Then we came to our senses, something a child could live with...

Pubert.

Pubert...

I like it.

It's filthy.

May I?

Your dress, is it flammable?

You've had your shots... measles, mumps, rabies?

Oh, I just adore little babies.

I just want to squeeze them till there's not a breath left in their tiny little bodies.

Hello, Pubert.

I love you.

Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny.

What do we say?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Look at you... all cooped up in this house with a new baby.

That's not easy, is it?

No.

Why, I bet sometimes you wish it was still just the two of you.

Or less.

Well, don't you worry.

Everything's going to be just fine.

I love them.

Thing... stop that.

He likes you.

Heh heh heh heh.

I'm good with my hands.

What a wonderful family, although there's one fella I haven't met yet.

Hi there, mister.

Your nephew?

My brother.

No!

Fester, come out here.

He's very shy.

Fester, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny.

Hello, Fester.

These Addams men, where do you find them?

It has to be damp.

I can't wait.

I'll start first thing tomorrow.

Why not tonight?

Good night, Debbie.

Good night!

Scream if you need anything.

So we've hired Miss Jellinsky.

She's a gem, don't you think?

She's perfect.

Oh, Fester, I'm such a lucky man.

I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them.

First wouldn't I have to get married?

You're just a boy. There's plenty of time.

You'll meet someone, someone very special, someone who won't press charges.

Oh, I'd like that.

You rascal.

Oh, and what's this?

Mom. Mom.

Tonight on America's Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes, we investigate the case of Ursula...

Carmen... and Nadine... three very different women with one thing in common... murder!

And they're all the same woman.

She's known by the police as the Black Widow.

She mates, then she kills.

She investigates wealthy men, finding the richest, loneliest bachelors, gaining their trust and their love, and finally, she marries them.

Then, on the wedding night, she kills them.

The deaths appear accidental.

After the funeral, she disappears, cash in hand, but the money never lasts.

Soon the Black Widow is hungry again, hungry for cash, hungry for love.

A mistress of disguise, she's eluded the authorities for years.

Who is she, and what seemingly innocent pose will she next assume?

All we can say is... bachelors, beware.


We'll be going out for most of the morning.

All the important numbers... police, fire department, morgue.

Fester, come along.

Goodbye, Fester.

Say goodbye to Debbie.

Have fun!

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

Fester Addams. My, my.

Stocks and bonds... deeds... gold bullion.

Treasury bills...

IRAs.

What a strange old house.

It's so drafty.

It's really no place for children.

No place at all.

Hold still, you little brat.

He's not a brat.

Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.

Fine. Rub it in.

We're getting him all ready for a nice little walk.

Would you like to come?

Are you really a nanny?

What a question.

Why did you come here?

Why, to take care of you... all of you.

Especially my uncle?

I shouldn't be telling you this.

They swore me to secrecy, the little angels, but they want to go.

It's all they talked about all morning.

They're just afraid to ask you.

They're afraid you'll think they don't love you.

The poor things.

It's a bizarre request.

It's horrifying.

They have their hearts set on it.

I knew you'd want to know as concerned, caring parents.

Oh, Gomez, what shall we do?

How can we say no?

Don't even mention it.

Just do it.

I'm sure they'll deny everything, but they want to go, God love them.

Summer camp. Summer camp.

"Camp Chippewa."

How charming.

What's a chippewa?

It's an old Indian word.

It means orphan.

Fresh air... the scent of pine.

Wednesday, look at all of the other children... their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles.

Help them.

Hi. I'm Amanda Buckman.

Why are you dressed like that?

Like what?

Like you're going to a funeral.

Why are you dressed like somebody died?

Wait.

Hi. Don Buckman.

Isn't this place something else?

Very exclusive.

A kid has to be extra special to get in, gifted, exceptional.

Our Amanda's already skipped two grades.

How about your boy?

Probation.

We just love Chippewa.

Amanda couldn't wait.

It's all she talked about.

She's got a whole new wardrobe.

And this little lady?

Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.

Boys?

Homicide.

Attention!

Hey! Listen up, everybody.

I'm Gary Granger!

And I'm Becky Martin-Granger.

We're the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa, America's foremost facility for... privileged young adults.

And we're all here to learn, to grow, and to just plain have fun!

'Cause that's what being privileged is all about.

Buffy!

How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

How are you doing?

I don't think I like it here.

Do you know how dirty you are?

Please leave him alone.

I can't breathe.

Stand up straight, please.

This is why he's always sick.

Don't start with me.

This has nothing to do with allergies.

You did this.

Can you breathe?

Stand up straight. Stand up straight.

"Everyone at the ball

"turned and stared at Cinderella.

"Who is that beautiful woman? everyone asked.

"Even Prince Charming noticed the new arrival.

"Who are you? he asked Cinderella.

"My name is Cinderella, she said to the prince.

"Could you tell me

"who is that man over by the punch bowl, "that fascinating man, "that oddly sensual man, "that man who makes me quiver under my bodice, that baldman?"

She's driving me wild!

Who?

Debbie. Debbie.

Even the sound of her name...

Debbie.

Isn't it beautiful?

She makes me think of vinyl. Chemicals!

Truly, Fester, has it finally happened, at long last?

I don't know. I think so.

All these years I've watched you and Morticia through windows, doorways, keyholes.

I've been so happy for you, but I have to confess I've been jealous, too.

I've dreamed that sometime there might be someone for me.

There's Thing.

I know, but I want more... legs, elbows, a head.

Two legs?

Dare I ask Debbie to dinner?

What if she says no?

What if she says yes?

If I asked her, would you come, you and Morticia?

Of course.

Life saving.

We're all top-notch swimmers.

Now we show our stuff and earn those certificates.

How about our first little pair of life saving buddies?

Amanda, Wednesday.

Is that your bathing suit?

Is that your over bite?

One of you will be the drowning victim.

The other one will be our lifesaver.

I'll be the victim.

All your life.

I'm going to be an actress.

Brava!

Now jump in, swim out a few yards, and start drowning.

Help me!

Help me!

I'm drowning!

Help me!

I'm dying!

I can't swim.


It's our favorite bistro.

We've been coming here for years.

Of course, it has been redone.

Oh, it's just... lovely.

Isn't it, Fester?

Fester.

It's a quaint French custom... sharing half-eaten bread.

Fester is truly continental.

He spent many years abroad.

He speaks 12 languages fluently.

I could tell.

When I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.

You did?

It's true.

But I took a bath.

Fester's really a wonderful man.

He's just terribly shy.

I just can't tell... does he like me at all?

Of course he does.

He vomited.

Does he always do that with women he likes?

Oh, no.

Just you.

Ah.

Do you think she minded?

Of course not.

She adores you.

I'm making such a mess of things.

Gomez, how do you do it?

How can I be like you?

How can I be suave?

Woo her, admire her, make her feel like she's the most sublime creature on Earth.

Yes. That's it?

We're back, noses powdered.

Perfection achieved.

We are the luckiest brothers on Earth.

We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such radiance.

Uh, that's right.

We should have... ugly girls.


Hah!


And then the ghost said, "And I will haunt you forever."

Ooh. Ooh.

Wednesday, you have to continue the ghost story.

This is dumb.

Well, if you can't do it...

And, so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin, and he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power."

And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, Fester, how you must hate me.

What?

Here you are, a debonair man of the world.

How I must bore you.

Oh, never.

Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession, something I must tell you.

I'm a virgin.

You are?

Yes.

What's that?

It...It's someone who's never experienced physical love.

Oh.

You mean, with another person.

Then, Debbie, I have a confession to make, as well.

I'm one, too.

You? You?

Yes.

But with your looks, your charm, women must follow you everywhere.

Store detectives.

Oh, Fester, I always dreamed of meeting someone untouched, someone pure, someone... just like you.

You'll meet him.

And...And I dreamed that when I met him, that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.

A goat?

Until now I thought it was impossible, but, Fester Addams, I love you.

You do?

Please, I have to know how you feel about me.

I love you.

I worship you.

I'd do anything for you.

I'd pay.

Fester!

Debbie!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at him.

So peaceful.

This evening as I watched Fester and Debbie, I kept my fingers crossed.

I hoped...

I prayed.

Let them fall in love.

Let them know happiness.

Let them adopt.

Gomez, Morticia, great news...

Something impossible, a miracle.

The rash... It's gone.

I'm engaged.

That ring...

It was our mother's. She was buried with it.

Mail call.

Addams.

Barkley, Castleman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Finley, Fisher, Framingham...

Oh, no.

What is it?

This is unspeakable.

Is something wrong? Bad news?

It's the worst thing ever in the history of human events.

Uncle Fester is getting married.

A wedding?

But that's great news.

To whom?

The nanny.

Get out of the cabin.

I'd kill myself.

The help?

I'm sure she's a very nice lady.

I think that's disgusting.

Their whole family's like some weird medical experiment.

I think they're like circus people.

What did you say?

Tempers.

Group hug.

Wednesday.

Pugsley.

Will a hug hurt us?

We don't hug.

Oh, they're just shy.

We're not shy.

We're contagious.

I'm sensing some friction here, something not quite Chippewa.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey, no problem-o.

All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the harmony hut.

How long do we have to stay in here?

Until we crack.

Have fun.

What are you in for?

I wouldn't go horseback riding.

That's all?

And I wouldn't make a bird house.

Why not?

I just wanted to read.

Not on my time, four-eyes.

Aah!

Aah aah aah!

Hurry up.

I'm coming.

Wait.

Be careful.

Tetanus.

There they are!

I saw them sneak out.

What do you think you're doing?

We have to see our family.

It's important.

More important than summer fun?

More important than making new friends?

More important than sharing?

Joel Glicker, I'm surprised at you.

I have to get out of here.

I have allergies.

Oh, you're allergic?

To sunshine, archery, and crafts?

Yes.

I think they should be punished.

Punished! Punished!

Punished! Punished!

Punished! Punished!

No! We are not here to punish.

We are here to inspire.

Know what our little ninja friends need?

Know what might turn their sad, wasted lives around?

What?

~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

~ Oh, Lord, Kumbaya ~~

Now, Debbie, have you met everyone?

Morticia.

Margaret.

Margaret, this is our bride-to-be.

Welcome to our family.

I can't tell you what it's meant joining the Addams clan.

Have you met my husband Cousin Itt?

Cousin Itt?

We've been so happy, and, just as little Pubert arrived, we were blessed with our own little bundle of joy.

What?

Oh, I didn't say anything.

That's the baby's nickname... What?

From the obstetrician.

Isn't he precious?

We've had offers.

~ For he's a jolly good fellow ~

~ Which nobody can deny ~~

You guys are the best bunch of friends a fella could hope for.

What a party!

And now for the piece de resistance.

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

That poor girl.

Lurch, was she in there before you baked?

So, so, so.

C'est la vie.

Ha ha ha ha!

Are you really allergic?

Uh-huh.

To almost everything.

No, you're not.

Am, too.

I can't have dairy products or wear wool or drink fluoridated water.

You know what happens if my mom uses a fabric softener?

What?

I die.

Where are you?

Over here.

Where?

By the skeleton.

I got your message inside my cutlet.

I need to ask you something.

What?

Do you believe in the existence of evil?

Well, did you meet my mom?

My Uncle Fester's about to get married to this woman in a white uniform.

A radiologist.

A nanny.

I have to go to the wedding.

I have a pass. Want to come?

You mean like... on a date?

No.

I'd love to.


I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my unending love.

I will worship you forever.

I will devote... my every waking moment to your happiness alone.

Oh.

Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.

Nice.

Ditto.

You're going to have a wonderful life together.

Yes, I am.

Come, darling, let's see who's the next happy bride.

Here, Debbie!

To me! Me!

Oh, I have it!

No! I have it! It's mine!

Now you have to get married.

It's not binding.

Tramp.

Bye! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Bon voyage!

The key ingredient to a successful Hawaiian honeymoon is romantic music.

I ordered this cassette from Time-Life.

5,000 of the World's Most Romantic Melodies.

It's superb.

What do you call this?

Number 438.

So... do you like romantic living?

I do, so far.

I love romantic living.

Oh, Fester, how much do you love me?

With all my soul.

Would you do anything for me?

Anything.

Would you die for me?

Yes.

Promise?

Aah!

Aah aah!

Aah aah aah aah!

Pumpkin?

Muffin.

Darling, I know you're nervous.

So am I.

I'm not nervous.

I'm upset.

Because of the bathtub?

Th-Th...

That was an accident.

I know.

I'm fine.

I know.

Don't give it another thought.

Don't be frightened.

This is as new to me as it is to you.

Have you really never had sex?

Never.

Then how do you know we're not having it right now?

We'll be just like Gomez and Morticia.

Pretend we're at home in my room...

Granny down the hallway, Lurch by the door.

Oh, my God.

Please, what is it?

What do you need?

Only you, my dearest.

Really?

Fester, I'm ready.

Just one thing... Gomez told me. No giggling.

And? No hand puppets.

And... What? after we've made love, you can never see your family again.

What?

Otherwise, I could never really enjoy myself.

I could never give myself completely.

Unless I never see my family again?

Yes. If I picture them in our lives, I could never achieve... you know.

Never?

Don't you love me?

Of course.

Don't you want me?

Yes.

Never.

Stud.

Whoa!

Uh... ahh...

It's so odd we haven't heard from Fester and Debbie.

It's been almost a week. Hasn't it, little fellow?

Look at him.

Too much fun at that reception.

Hair of the pup.

Excellent, Amanda!

Thank you.

Next!

"Dear Wednesday and Pugsley, "I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."

Glicker, go!

Good try!

"When you are grown-up and very lonely, "you'll understand.

Love, Uncle Fester."

He's a dead man.

Go!

It's an American bald eagle!

But aren't they extinct?

They are now.

Mrs. Addams?

Yes?

Your hearse. Where's the body?

Right there.

But he's alive.

Tell me about it!

Fester, we may be together for a while...

All our lives, cara mia.

What?

Mon cher.

Speak English. Pumpkin?

If I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes.

Changes?

Be careful! It's a credenza!

These are beautiful things.

They're from catalogues.

Fester, get over here!

It itches.

Don't touch it, not until the scab falls off.

Pumpkin, do you think these clothes are really me?

Of course not. That's the point.

Where do you want this? The second floor boudoir.

I'm her husband.

Fester!

Give me a kiss.

Give me a 20. Watch it!

That's a Queen Anne chandelier!

"Hawaii is wonderful.

"I wish you were here, "and I can never see you again!

P.S., Debbie says hi."

I don't understand. For weeks not a word, and now this.

Darling, come to bed. He can't be serious.

Have I done something, said something?

Why does my brother despise me?

He adores you.

I'd do anything for him.

At his request, I would rip out my eyes.

At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.

Why wait?

Has Fester gone mad?

This is all just some sort of phase.

Post-honeymoon malaise.

It's very common.

Do you remember our honeymoon?

That glorious cruise.

No quarrels.

No cares.

No survivors.

Cara mia.

So... you still desire me after all these years?

The old ball and chain?

Forever.

I'll get them.

Heads up, campers. Thejamboree's only two weeks away.

And you know what that means... clean cabins.

Creating with clay and...

Canoes, canoes, canoes!

So we better get cracking, huh?

Look at this. I've got them.

Schizos and Serial Killers.

I have almost the whole series.

I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy.

But look.

"The Black Widow."

It might be Debbie.

At least three rich husbands... all dead.

I'll trade you.

For what?

Amy Fischer.

Each year, we conclude our summer with a very special presentation.

Book, music, and lyrics by...

Gary Granger!

And this year, the old bean has come up with something pretty exciting... my own personal salute to the first Thanksgiving.

Now, we have thought long and hard about choosing just the right little actress for the leading role of Sarah Miller, our beautiful and kindly pilgrim lady, and we have selected...

Amanda Buckman!

And in the roles of her pilgrim pals...

Lily, Jennifer, Tiffany, Missy, Michelle, and Melissa!

But, of course, not everyone can be a star.

Let's not forget our cheery little Chippewas Mordecai, Yang, Esther... um...

Consuela, Irwin... and, um...

I'm still not sure just how to pronounce this.

Jam-il?Jame-il?

Jamal.

Whatever.

And as their leader in the secondary but still compellingly written role of Pocahontas, guess who we have in mind.

Our own little brunette outcast...

Wednesday Addams.

We want to see Debbie and Fester.

Miss Debbie!

Debra!

Gomez... where are we?

It looks familiar.

Of course... the gates of hell.

Welcome to my home.

Might we see my brother?

No. He doesn't want to see any of you or that.

Why not?

Because he's in love.

He's wrapped in a gossamer blanket of ecstasy, and he hates your guts.

But why?

Because you've flaunted yourselves, your great love affair.

You kept him a child.

I've made him a man.

Let me hear this from his own lips.

His lips are busy.

You want to talk to these people?

Debbie.

Oh.

Go away!

That is not my brother.

Sorry.

You have enslaved him.

You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell.

I respect that. But, please, may we see him?

Don't even think about it.

You have gone too far.

You have married Fester.

You have destroyed his spirit.

You have taken him from us.

All that I could forgive.

But, Debbie...

What?

Pastels?

Get out of my house!

Hit the road!

And if you ever show your faces around here again, I'll have you locked up for trying to visit.

Right, Fessie?

Right!

Luxor, nexor, burst, and burn!

What is she doing?

Just a curse. Have a nice day.

I demand justice!

Someone has married my brother.

No.

She took him to Hawaii. Get outta here.

They have moved into a large, expensive home where they make love constantly.

I hate when that happens.

Arrest her at once without delay.

Who? Debbie.

My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki.

Who are you?

What are you? Who moved the rock?

Officer, you must issue a subpoena.

I believe they own...

Gomez, no!

A Buick!

Just leave. Leave quietly. Leave now.

Don't make me call Ringling Brothers.

Has the planet gone mad?

My brother... passion's hostage.

I seek justice.

Denied.

I shall not submit. I shall conquer. I shall rise.

My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!

I have seen horror!

I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!

They're at camp.

I have seen all this, Officer.

But until today, I had never seen... you!

Hook him, book him, cook him. Now!

Next in line.

Yes, I'd like to renew my passport, please.

I'll be leaving the country very shortly.

Traveling alone?

Yes. I'll be a widow.

~ Happy, happy turkey day ~

~ Hunger pains will go away ~

~ When you hear the pilgrims say ~

~ It's happy turkey day ~

~ Happy, happy turkey day ~

~ Let's all eat the Indian way ~

~ As Bastille and Cape Cod day ~

~ On happy turkey day ~~

Look at you. Oh, Amanda, you look perfect!

You're just the prettiest pilgrim I've ever seen!

Gar, come and take a look at this.

Here they are!

They were by the phone.

We were calling the FBI.

Their uncle's in trouble. We were running a check.

You're late for your fittings.

I don't want to be in the pageant.

You won't help me realize my vision?

Your work is puerile and under-dramatized.

You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.

Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

Everyone, campers!

I have a wonderful idea.

Wednesday and Pugsley and young Mr. Glicker here, well, they have just never quite latched on to the Chippewa spirit, nor have some oftheir little comrades.

Isn't that sad?

Yes! Yes!

Don't we just hate that?

Yes! Yes!

Don't we wish they'd just die?

Yes! Yes!

We don't.

But you know what we'll do with them?

We're going to make an example.

We are going to show that anyone, no matter how odd or pale or chubby, can still have a darn good time.

Whether they like it or not.

What are you going to do?

Yes, indeedy, just the ticket.

Bambi.

Lassie Come Home.

The Little Mermaid.

Stop it.

He's only a child.

Don't worry. We're getting out of here.

But... it's Disney.

Yes.

~ The hills are alive ~

~ With the sound of music ~

~ With songs they have sung ~

~ For a thousand years... ~~

~ And they knew that it was much more than a hunch ~

~ That this group must somehow form a family ~

~ That's the way we all became the BradyBunch... ~~

~ You're always a day ~

~ A-way ~~

Well... good evening.

Is there anything you'd like to say to everyone?

Yes.

And just what might that be?

I'm not perky.

That's for damn sure.

But I want to be.

You do?

I want to smile and sing and dance and be Pocahontas in Gary's vision.

Oh, darling, do you really mean it?

Isn't she pretty?

She's scaring me!

Oh, Gar.

Yeah.

Aah!

Stay back!

He's very sick.

My baby!

Lumbar, dison... pox and thither, curad, brattle, bone and brine!

Bone and brine!

Well, he's stubborn.

It works on cats.

What are we going to do? Is it hopeless?

Here it is.

"Chapter 18. Infant possessions."

He's possessed?

"Warning signs...

"severe alterations in appearance and personality.

Such alterations can become permanent."

Permanent? Those golden curls?

Those rosy cheeks?

That smile?

"These terrifying changes

"are most often the result of a troubled family life.

Separations..."

You mean...

Fester!

Bingo! This kid knows that something is not right around here.

Unless Fester comes back, we're talking dimples.

Not in this house.

He could stay this way for years. Forever.

He could become... a lawyer...

I won't listen!

An orthodontist...

Mama, stop!

President.

Please! I beg you!

Take me!

Each summer we take this occasion to celebrate a seminal event in American history.

This year, we depict perhaps the most important day in our shared past... the first Thanksgiving!

A day for maize, the Native American word for corn, a terrific turkey dinner, and brotherhood!

So, white meat and dark meat, take it away!

~ Eat us, hey, it's Thanksgiving day ~

~ Eat us, we make a nice buffet ~

~ We lost the race with Farmer Ed ~

~ Eat us 'cause we're good and dead ~

~ White man or red man ~

~ From East, North, or South ~

~ Chop off our legs ~

~ And put 'em in your mouth ~

~ Eat me ~

~ Sauteed or barbecued ~

~ Eat me ~

~ We once were pets, but now we're food ~

~ We won't stay fresh for very long ~

~ So eat us before we finish this song ~

~ Eat us before we finish this song ~~

Thank you.

It was a senseless tragedy.

Ha ha!

Angel, I'm going out for just a minute.

I forgot the champagne.

Our three-week anniversary! I'll go.

No, no. You're working hard enough.

I'll just put your present on the table.

Don't peek!

Oh, please, please!

What is it?

Is it string?

You never know.

Uh... is it a dog toy?

Just you wait.

It's a bomb.

What?

I know. Wait for my birthday.

Fester... let me look at you.

I want to remember you just this way.

What do you mean?

Rich. Will you miss me?

But you'll be right back, won't you?

Of course.

Whoo!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

I am so glad we invited the Chippewas to join us for this holiday meal.

Remember, these savages are our guests.

We must not be surprised at any of their strange customs.

After all, they have not had our advantages, such as fine schools, libraries full of books, shampoo.

How. I am Pocahontas, a Chippewa maiden.

An Indian.

Enough said.

And I am Running Bear, betrothed to Pocahontas.

In the play.

20 grand for summer camp, he's Mr. Woo-Woo.

We have brought a special gift for this holiday feast.

I am a turkey. Kill me.

What a thoughtful gift!

Why, you are as civilized as we, except we wear shoes and have last names.

Welcome to our table, our new primitive friends.

Thank you, Sarah Miller.

You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

Your hair is the color of the sun, your skin is like fresh milk, and everyone loves you.

Stop! Sit.

Wait.

What?

We cannot break bread with you.

Huh? Becky, what's going on?

Wednesday!

You have taken the land which is rightfully ours.

Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations.

Your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs.

We will sell our bracelets by the roadsides.

You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres.

My people will have pain and degradation.

Your people will have stick shifts.

The gods of my tribe have spoken.

They have said, "Do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."

Gary, she's changing the words.

And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Aah!

Children! Campers!

Stop! You're destroying my text!

Aah! Aah!

He's not a team player. He's a special child.

But he needs friends.

He needs friends like this?

Aah! Oh!

Aah!

Uh, I beg your pardon.

Do something!


~ Macho, macho man ~

~ Feel my muscles ~

~ I've got to be a macho man ~

~ Mucho, mucho, macho, macho ~

~ I got to be a macho ~

~ Hey, hey, hey, hey ~

Hey! Wait! What time is it, Jorge?

Ah, 6:25.

Oops. Got to go.

No! Wait!

Wait here. It's my anniversary.

I'll be right back.

Your husband is a very lucky man.

Don't say that!

~ Hey, hey, hey ~

~ Hey, macho, macho man ~

~ I got to be a macho man ~~

Cheers.

Oh, no, no.

But, Officer... my husband was in that house.

Happy anniversary, Debbie.


Help. Help.

Sweetheart! Did you get the champagne?

Freeze!

Pookie?

I tried to make it look like an accident.

I tried to give you some dignity, but, oh, no, not you.

What are you saying?

I want you dead, and I want your money.

But...But... don't you love me?

Is that a no?

Oh, do I love you. Look at yourself!

You're a nightmare. You're the missing link.

You shouldn't be married. You should be studied.

You're a big, dumb, weird thing.

No woman in her right mind could love you.

Yeow!

Thing!

I'll get you! And your little hand, too!

Aah!


Come on.

No. I have to go back. For the others.

You're very brave.

And to watch the place burn. You go.

Save your uncle.

I may never see you again.

I know.

There are forces tearing us apart...

Gary, Debbie, seventh grade.

I'll never forget you.

You won't?

You're too weird.

We'll always have today and Chippewa.

And this.

What is it?

Amanda's retainer.

Cara mia.

Mon cher.

Come on!

Move it!

Move out of the way!

"We looked, "then we saw him step in on the mat.

"We looked, and we saw him... the cat in the hat."

Are you enjoying this?

To think... a child of mine.

"I know it is wet, "and the sun is not sunny, "but we can have lots of good fun, that is funny."

Oh, no.

He lives.

Come on! It's Gomez!

~ Swing low ~

~ Sweet chariot ~

~ Coming for to carry me home ~

~ Swing low ~~

My baby is ill, and my husband is dying.

Oh, mama, what shall I do?

Well, you have a black dress.

Gomez!

Fester! Fester!

Fester? Where is Fester?

He's right here, mon cher.

It's me, Gomez.

I've tried to be someone I'm not.

I live in shame... and the suburbs!

But you belong to Debbie.

You're Debbie's love toy.

You are Mr. Debbie!

I am an Addams!

Fester!

Uncle Fester!

Children!

You sent us to camp.

They made us sing.

My own dear family.

How I've missed you all.

Our whole family... together at last.

Three generations... above ground.

In-laws!

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I don't enjoy hurting anybody.

I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen, and so I have to use persuasion... and slides.

My parents... Sharon and Dave.

Generous, doting... or were they?

All I ever wanted was a ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu.

My birthday.

I was 10, and do you know what they got me?

Malibu Barbie.

Malibu Barbie.

The nightmare.

The nerve.

That's not what I wanted.

That's not who I was.

I was a ballerina... graceful, delicate.

They had to go.

My first husband, the heart surgeon.

All day long, coronaries, transplants.

What about your needs?

"Sorry about dinner, Deb.

The pope has a cold."

An axe.

That takes me back.

Husband number two... the senator.

He loved his state. He loved his country.

What about Debbie?

"Sorry, Debbie. No Mercedes this year.

We have to set an example."

Oh, yeah? Set this!

My latest husband.

My late husband Fester.

The fool.

The corpse.

And his adorable family.

You took me in. You accepted me.

But did any of you love me?

Really love me?

Hands.

So I...I killed.

So I maimed.

So I destroyed one innocent life after another.

Aren't I a human being?

Don't I yearn and... ache and shop?

Don't I deserve love... and jewelry?


Adieu, mon cher.

Adios, cara mia.

Debbie, let them go. Take me and my money.

For what I've done, I deserve to die.

Sorry.


Goodbye, everybody.

Wish me luck.

Good luck. Good luck.


A birthday party! What a treat!

And to think I might have missed all this.

What was I thinking of?

Physical pleasure.

Oh...

Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?

Well, sometimes, late at night.

I remember how she'd turn to me and say "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room."

Yoo-hoo!

Are we late?

Not at all. We're just getting started.

I hope no one minds. We brought along a guest.

This is our new nanny... Dementia.

Oh...

Dementia.

What a beautiful name.

It means insanity.

My name's Fester. It means to rot.

A toast.

To the glorious mysteries of life.

To all that binds a family as one.

To mirth, to merriment, to manslaughter.

Hear, hear.

To dear friends.

To new friends.

To youth.

How do I look?

Disturbing.

To passion.

To paradise.

To pain.

Tonight.

Ha ha! Make way for the birthday boy!

Thing, will you do the honors?

Your family is really interesting.

Your parents are so involved with each other.

Wednesday, do you think, like, maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?

No.

But what if you met just the right man who worshipped and adored you, who'd do anything for you, who'd be your devoted slave?

What would you do?

I'd pity him.

Poor Debbie. She was sick.

She wasn't sick.

She was sloppy.

What do you mean?

If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.

How?

I'd scare him to death.

No, you wouldn't.

We're all very sorry, Debbie.

We wish you only the best.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Come on, come on ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah, yo, dig it ~

~ Back again, the Addams Family ~

~ New baby in the house makes three ~

~ Wednesday, Pugsley, Lurch, you ring it ~

~ Fester, Grandmama, and Thing ~

~ Wait, can't forget cousin Itt ~

~ Tag team raps another party hit ~

~ It's the Addams Family movie thing ~

~ Gomez, Morticia, come on, sing ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Come on, come on ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Let me tell you, it's the A-D-D-A-M-S ~

~ The Addams Family, y'all, yes, yes ~

~ They're creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky ~

~ As loony as can be when you see the movie ~

~ It goes on and on, the madness won't stop ~

~ Tick to the tock around the clock ~

~ Tag team kicks the floor, really, though ~

~ With the Addams Family, so here we go ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Hey, there it is ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Come on, come on, come on, come on ~

~ Whoomp! Family ~

~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~

~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~

~ The Addams Family ~

~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~

~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~

~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~

~ The Addams Family ~

~ Something's strange, something's funny ~

~ Nanny's got a plot to get the family money ~

~ Makes Fester fall for her ~

~ Thing gets wise, spreads the word ~

~ The family comes to Fester's aid ~

~ The plot is foiled, no one gets paid ~

~ It's the Addams Family runnin' things ~

~ Get back while tag team swings ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah, come on, come on ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah, give it to me ~

~ It's a family thing, and it won't quit ~

~ They keep it together, y'all, and that's it ~

~ They're not ordinary, just strange ~

~ Some say loco, insane to the brain ~

~ But you know that you love 'em ~

~ In a class by theirselves ~

~ None below, none above 'em ~

~ It ain't nothing to be ashamed of~

~ So give love to the folks who go by the name of~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Ooh-ee ~

~ The Addams Family Theme, I'm gonna kick it ~

~ Step to the mic like Cube and get with it ~

~ Props to the number one family of horror ~

~ This song's for the movie and the dance floor ~

~ Tag team always delivers the funk ~

~ From the old school, with the bump for the trunk ~

~ And it umps, with big bass on the low ~

~ Like my homey all said ~

~ You don't hear me, though ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah, give it to me ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Yeah ~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~~

~ Express yourself~

~ Express yourself~

~ Ooh ~

~ Express yourself~

~ Express yourself~

~ Express yourself~

~ You don't ever need help from nobody else ~

~ All you've got to do now, yeah ~

~ Come on ~

~ Express yourself, come on ~

~ Express yourself, come on ~

~ Let it out of its creepy shell ~

~ Because you know you could ~

~ Express yourself, come on ~

~ Express yourself, come on ~

~ Come on, people Come on, people ~

~ 'Cause you know it's good, yeah ~

~ Express yourself~~

~ Breaking hearts ~

~Just ain't my day ~

~ It ain't my day ~

~ All I want to do ~

~ Is love you ~

~ Well ~

~ Sugar, I won't fill ya ~

~ With regret, my love ~

~ Yo, what you're lookin' for ~

~ Is real lovin' ~

~ Real lovin' ~

~ No matter what you see ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Ahh, baby ~

~ What you see ~

~ Yeah, is what you get ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ What you see ~

~ What you see ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ I said what you see ~

~ Is what you get, now, baby ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ And real ~

~ And the real thing ~

~ Is the best thing yet ~

~ The best thing yet ~

~ Oh ~

~ Oh, what you see ~

~ Yes, why ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Oh, oh ~

~ You're so good ~

~ I can't stand myself~

~ Ah, ah, ah ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Ooh, baby ~

~ What you see ~

~ What you see ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ What you see ~

~ What you see ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ I said what you see ~

~ Is what you get, now, baby ~

~ Is what you get ~

~ And real ~

~ Is the best thing yet ~

~ The best thing yet ~

~ Are you ready for me? ~

~ Whoo! ~~

~ Do it, do it any way you wanna do it ~

~ Do it any way you wanna ~

~ I saw you ~

~ Do it any way you wanna do it ~

~ Do it any way you wanna ~

~ I saw you, baby ~

~ Do it ~

~ Do it any way you wanna ~

~ Do it ~

~ Do it ~

~ Do it any way you wanna, wanna, wanna ~~

~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~

~ There it is ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~

~ Whoomp! The Addams Family ~~