The man, Adonis.
His exquisite, picturesque body was so attractive, it brought notice to the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite.
Aries, the God of War.
Violence and power were his modus operandi, which is why Aries's love for Aphrodite soon turned into a bitter jealousy when he heard of the goddess's ongoing affair with Adonis.
One day, while Adonis was out for a hunt, Aries disguised himself as a wild boar and brutally murdered the young man.
And where Adonis's blood was spilt, there sprung forth the anemone flower, coated in red, signifying the god's love of beauty in creation, beauty in death, and beauty in new life, carrying forth Adonis's mortal form as a body of gods.
Please, someone help me.
Oh, help please!
Somebody help me, please!
Help me out please!
Please help me!
This looks cool.
I gotta pee.
Hi, this is Tad.
Hey, Tad, this is Sam...
Sorry I missed you.
I'm sure our conversation would've been a delight. Gotta be kidding me.
Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible.
Hi, this is Sam with the...
Hi, this is Sam Hagen.
We just got to the rental property.
The access code you've given us is not working.
Please gimme a call back.
Already tried that.
I tried that the first time.
Maybe the customer isn't always right.
Oh, ha ha.
Ooh, there's a fireplace.
That'll be fun.
Where is the damn squatter?
Maybe there isn't one?
Oh my gosh, if it's an outhouse, I swear...
Well, you remember the last place, right?
Oh, with the fleas.
With the fleas! The fleas!
Fleas! Flee the fleas.
And it's no wonder that Cory got such a good deal.
I'm gonna text them, see what the plan is.
It's just so easy Why would you do that?
I hate you so much.
Do you think we can get Cory to go skinny-dipping in the lake?
He's, like, naked 90% of the time, so...
He is in a major naked phase.
Wow. Which is usually reserved for like five-year-olds, but...
Head to toe, or?
Ooh, but then our things would still be correlating.
No, we'll go hole-to-hole.
Yeah, I think What?
I'm gonna still say no.
Nothing can happen.
It's just butts.
My butt likes its own bed, thank you.
Well, my butt gets lonely, all right?
Fine, I'll take the master anyway.
There's a master?
Speaking with a beret on.
Yeah, I know. I just feel so French whenever I drink wine.
And you just look good in a beret.
I've thought so, too, yeah.
Kinda looks like a big boob.
You know what I was thinking about?
Remember MC Mister E from college?
That doesn't ring a bell.
I think you do.
No, I can't, I can't.
Please. Come on.
You're gonna do the cat thing? Come on.
I just wanna see MC. I'll do it.
Just give me a sec.
Gotta get into character.
Mmm hmm, of course.
So, I've got this car, right?
And I don't get why you're laughin'.
It's very serious. I'm sorry.
I got it very, I'm sorry.
So, I've got this car and it's pretty cool, I guess.
I've heard that you need one to sort of compensate for certain endowments or lack thereof, so...
Do you mean like your penis size?
Just one of many Mister E's many insecurities.
That's so weird because in most of your songs, you sound so confident.
Mmm hmm, yeah.
Like, what's that one song?
"Golf Club Dick."
How does that go again?
Um, let's see.
It just does that for like 10 more minutes.
It does that over and over again.
And it's the longest song.
It is super long.
It's such a good song.
Okay. Thank you for that.
All right, let's see what we got here.
"Body of Gods, an exploration of Greek artistry.
"The perfect body and the minds that sculpted them."
That sounds like my kind of flick.
The sequel's better.
Is that the only movie?
Yeah, that's literally it.
There's something I have been meaning to ask you.
The answer is yes, I brought you here to murder you.
I am serious.
Was it about me?
Come on, is this like a Q and A or something?
Okay, this isn't an interview.
I just wanna know.
You know, lines in it were actual conversations that we have had.
Especially from that morning.
The play was about you.
At least a lot of it was.
But that's just art, you know?
I take stuff from my life, from my point of view.
Yeah, but it didn't happen to you.
That night was, uh, scary.
I know especially for you but for both of us.
I made sure nothing happened.
You don't know that.
I love you.
I have loved you since we were stupid college freshmen and I thought if we got here before Becca and Cory, we could talk about it.
I knew it.
Sam, if you... No, no, no.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing the whole inside joke thing with you anymore.
I can't talk to you about your problems that you're having with these other guys.
Who the hell was that?
I don't know.
Aren't Becca and Cory coming tomorrow?
That's what they said, but you know how they are.
Can I help you?
Sir, I thought your car lights were on.
I wasn't sure if you guys were in.
Welcome to the home.
Oh, shit, man.
I got you, man.
You owner, right?
That's right, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry about the door code confusion.
It can be a real bitch.
Yeah, man, no worries.
You live out here?
In the woods.
Yeah, I'm a big-time minimalist.
Well, I'm gonna... The body needs very little when you treat it properly.
Right, yeah, that makes sense.
Well, I just wanted to welcome you to the home.
Amenities and everything should be taken care of.
It's, uh, it's all good.
It's all good.
What the fuck?
What's going on, man?
I'm sorry, did I wake you up?
Did I awaken you?
What are you doing in here?
I'm sorry, I totally woke you up.
I figured I could just get in here, you know, get out quickly enough without being noticed.
Tell me I didn't wake up your wife.
No, she's not... Girlfriend.
Nope, she's just a friend.
All right, good night.
My wife and I were friends for a long time.
Then one weekend, I brought her out here and I spilled my guts to her.
I mean, just like, you know.
And it took her a bit.
But she took my guts.
We've been going strong ever since.
But it takes time, you know.
Attaboy, Sam I like what I'm seeing, kid.
You're a monster, man.
I love what I'm seeing.
Man, now, let's go, sensei.
Let's go, Sam.
Push it, baby.
Push it, baby.
Push it, brother, let's go.
You're the man.
How you doin', huh?
How you're real fam, let's go, keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing.
Let's go, it feels so good, man, let's go.
Yeah, let's go, keep driving.
You're doing so good.
I'm proud of you, Sam, I'm proud of you.
Go, come on, keep fighting, babe, let's go.
Come on, push, push a little bit, Sam, let's go!
Come on, Sam, let's go, come on.
Sam, don't quit.
Don't quit, let's go, come on.
I got some coffee.
I can't... Sam, god, you are able to do so much more with this than this will ever tell you, all right?
I get it, let's, uh, we'll take five, okay?
Get a little breather.
Thanks so much.
You must be Tad, I'm Avery.
You trying to kill me, Ave?
Then why are you offering me poison?
Sorry, I just prefer not to choke my brain and my organs from oxygen just for a little caffeine kick.
Okay, more for us.
Seriously, Sam, be careful, man.
We got like an hour left.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think I can do that.
I'm just gonna enjoy my coffee, poison and all.
Right, of course, yeah.
My wife, my wife says I do this all the time where I never shut up with all my theories on the body.
Well, I guess I'm just, I'm a health nut.
Oh, hey, Tad.
I was wondering about that extra room.
We have some more friends coming and I just thought it...
Thought it was just the four of you.
Sam and I just each have our own room, so...
Well, rental guidelines clearly state that the homeowner needs prior information to each additional guest, so this is highly unprofessional, Ave.
No, no, it's the same amount of guests.
It's too much!
Oh, my stars.
Got the post-workout jitters Oh, man.
Well, Sam, making you work out on your vacation, I'm very sorry.
I'm just gonna be on my way.
Leave you two alone for a bit.
Ave, thanks so much for offering the hot poison.
Just kidding, of course.
All right, well, ta-ta.
The guy is a psycho, Ave.
It's like Professor Nigel.
Oh, yes, yes.
Actually, sir, it's Avery.
Don't interrupt me, Ave.
Don't do it.
Avery, about last night...
It was totally my fault.
I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sorry. It was just dumb and I had too much to drink and...
Sam, you really don't have to say...
I didn't mean it.
Yeah, you know, I do that with girls sometimes, the whole drink too much and share all your feelings and...
I just don't want anything to hurt our friendship.
Yeah, of course.
We have too good a thing going, Mister E.
What about this?
Oh, looks good, babe.
I don't know.
It doesn't feel very lake-like.
How do you mean?
How do you mean?
I don't know, like lake-like, like wintertime.
Like, I wanna feel like lake-y.
What about this one?
Is that the same thing?
No, it's pink.
Oh, um, well, you're beautiful.
So, ready to go?
Oh, just Sam being Sam.
Still with the Avery stuff?
Oh, it's always with the Avery stuff.
Well, you ready for the best/longest road trip of our lives?
Oh, no sweat.
Would you ever leave the city and live out here?
Join some small-town theater?
Write on a typewriter?
Yeah, I did that once.
And what, you weren't hipster enough?
No, I just immediately realized why computers were invented.
I was just thinking about Instagramming this.
What do you think?
Oh, new prof pic.
Oh my god.
God, does this guy stop?
Says the guy who was working out with him this morning.
I felt bad for him.
He started talking about his wife and he's got a super sad story.
I'm just getting in a quick three-mile row.
Gotta stay strong, you know.
You never know what's out there, so.
What are you guys doing out here, though, for real?
Yeah, it just reminds me of when my wife got sick.
She used to come out here and sit, you know.
Is your wife still out here with you?
You guys ever play Rock the Boat?
Uh, not since summer camp.
Come on, man.
Whoa, all right.
Come on, get me, Sam.
No, it's fun, just play this.
Be a man, Sam!
Come on, rock the boat! We don't wanna play.
Hey, Tad. Not cool, man, stop.
Rock the boat!
Stop it, stop it!
What the hell!
What the hell?
I just thought the dude was a little off.
Well, did you see his arms?
Dude, it's covered in heroin scars.
Doctor Health Nut won't drink coffee but he'll dig deep into the black tar.
God, that would explain things.
Maybe if we just chill until Becca and Cory get here, he'll leave us alone.
I swear, if I have to buy a new phone...
It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils.
With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony, I collected the instruments of life around me that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet.
Okay, can we do something else?
You don't like this?
It's not that I don't like it.
I just really, really hate it.
I looked into the dull, yellow eye of the creature and beheld... How much longer?
Mmm, not much.
God, I have to potty.
Think you can hold it for another four hours?
Oh, yeah, totally.
Cool, cool, cool.
It was almost one in the morning when they arrived at the house and Cory was already dead from complete boredom.
It's a good book.
Cory 100% disagreed.
It's a pretty good impression.
Or at least pity-laughed.
Hold my hand?
As the god creates, so the sculptor sculpts, portraying through his art the idea of a god in the body or the perfect body, the artist emulating the god's essence, a resurrection of the spirit in the stone, getting across in one way or another, life after death.
This is the true artist objective.
I feel like I'm really high right now.
God, at least make this a little more interesting.
Now are brought back to life in a way they hadn't been before.
God, I hope that's Becca and Cory.
Would you get it?
I can't even move right now.
I can't tell you how horrid I feel about earlier.
Yeah, I mean, hopefully it's nothing terrible.
Uh, thank you.
It's okay, though, seriously.
I did a bad thing, all right?
And I'm not gonna feel at peace until I do a good one.
Tad, honestly, thank you so much for your apology but we'll just chalk it up to a silly game.
I promise you it's okay.
Let me cook you two dinner.
We're just trying to enjoy our vacation.
Of course, right.
I need to get my, uh, need to get my rude oil checked.
'Cause I am rude.
Uh, no worries though, really.
We'll just go somewhere in town.
No, seriously, there's nothing nearby worth checking out whatsoever.
Here is to us and our vacation.
So, do you eat this meal a lot?
Well, ever since my wife was diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis, I'm pretty strategic with what I consume.
Have you two ever heard of rhabdo?
It comes from overworking the muscles in your system.
You know anything about horses, Sam?
Sure, I guess. Horses, when they're overworked or overrun, they just die.
Flat out, dead.
But humans, we are not horses.
No, see, we have this awesome ability in our minds to push beyond our factory settings.
That's the beauty of the human spirit.
And your wife?
We didn't always get along.
Tad and Jan.
Prom king and queen.
But you know how life goes.
All from her.
I had to lash out a few times.
But then I discovered FitFree.
I mean, it was like fairy dust.
We started loving each other again.
We cared for each other again.
Give me your hands.
Give me your hands, give me your hands.
Now, hold each other's hands.
Sam here told me everything.
The alleged attack.
Don't be mad at Sam.
Don't be mad at Sam, okay?
I practically split him open this morning, all right?
I'm gonna split you open, too, okay?
But that's just what FitFree does.
It's just a part of the program.
Now, I believe that through fitness and through eating right, I can get the two of you to a place of oneness that you didn't even think imaginable.
It's a very simple process but I can get you a discount.
What's so funny, Ave?
I think this is a joke, right?
Mmm, FitFree is not something to joke about.
Yeah, no, you're right.
I'm just amazed that you can ruin our phones, our dinner, and our vacation and you still try and sell your little Ponzi scheme to some tenants.
It is not a Ponzi scheme.
Why would you tell him that?
Did you not like your supper?
Yeah, Tad, what's next?
Vitamins and proteins that we need to get our friends to sell?
Vitamins are part of the tier one supplement package but that's because I want you both to be healthy.
Just shut up, Tad!
Are you actually buying this?
Sam, he's cheating us.
Using your sad rejection to get you to buy fucking milk powder.
I gotta go.
Thanks for dinner, Tad.
Sam, come on.
I'm just trying to make you see how stupid this is.
You offended Sam.
I'm disappointed in you, Ave.
My name isn't Ave.
And who are you to be disappointed in me?
Or does your habit make you all high and mighty?
I wish you wouldn't drink so much.
Especially as a woman.
It's no surprise you were drugged.
What did you just say, Tad?
Do you even have a wife?
Or did she leave you 'cause you're a fucking junkie?
Leave us alone!
This is restricted access.
Oh, you scared me.
Property owners are allowed to deny access to any part of the home so long as what's advertised is provided.
I just thought I heard something.
It's just my workout facility.
You're a curious woman, huh, Ave?
Tell me, do you know how rhabdo works?
When a body is overworked, muscle mass breaks off and it enters the bloodstream, causes immense pain, blood in the urine, sometimes death.
Rhabdo nearly killed Janet.
But through my personal sacrifice, she survived.
Let go of me.
We can be masters over death.
Don't you see the beauty?
Are you okay?
He was aggressive, I don't know, high or something.
Did he do anything to you?
I heard noises in that room.
Are you sure?
He was here, Sam.
No, I know, it's just...
He grabbed me. I'm sorry.
Just stay here.
Where are you going?
Look for him, try to straighten things out.
Sam, you don't have to... No.
I mean, what's he gonna do?
Work me out to death?
Hello and welcome to FitFree with Tad and Janet.
This is Volume 237, all right?
We've got a new recruit.
He's been coming along nicely after dealing with a little emotional turmoil from, you guessed it, a girl.
Janet couldn't be here today but we're making a lot of progress.
So, let's get right to it.
These are military-style jumping jacks.
The Etruscans, the Mesopotamians, the Aztecs, all great societies that believed that healthy blood is what equals a healthy soul.
These are burpees.
I decided to make these videos as Jan recovers.
Jan, I love you, baby.
Rhabdo ain't no thing.
Oh, my god.
Did I scare ya?
Well today, I am pretty excited because we've got a very special guest.
Very, very, very special.
Wouldn't you say, huh?
You know, when they told us that she wasn't gonna make it, well, little did they know, my baby's a fighter, a survivor.
That's my Janet.
So now, for the very first time since her fall forward as we like to call it, here's Janet!
She's, she's being a little shy.
Nothing a little FitFree can't fix.
I did a bad thing.
I just, I just wanted to come apologize.
Sam, Sam, wake up, wake up!
Where are you going, Ave?
We need you!
Ave, where are you going?
Don't drink and drive, Ave!
Don't go anywhere, Ave!
Come on, come on, come on.
I don't have time.
You sure you're good to drive?
As long as you're not, I'm happy.
Just wanna get there alive is all.
Well, I'll stay up with you.
Hey, wake up.
Oh, my god.
Grab the case here.
One, one, four, four, pound.
Yeah, should we find a room?
This is the one.
Shouldn't we see which one they want first?
No, we got here first.
You don't think Sam will be mad?
Oh, whatever, he'll get over it.
Didn't he want like a night alone with Avery?
Then he can take a canoe out on the lake and they can talk there.
Good, 'cause I want this one anyways.
Well, whatever Princess wants.
Princess wants a shower.
What have we got here?
Oh, my god.
You okay, are you okay?
Now are coated in red, signifying the gods' love of beauty and creation.
Please don't scare me.
I'm too tired.
Beauty in new life, carrying forth Adonis's mortal form as a body.
Somebody help me, please!
Help me out, please!
Please help, please help me!
Where are we?
We're in the lake.
He's at the house.
Did he hurt you?
No, no, I'm okay.
What about Becca and Cory?
They never showed up.
I'm trying to find us help.
No, no, no.
He had their phones.
They were there before us.
We will all be fine.
Even you, Cor-bear.
Janet, don't cry.
What do you mean it's not working?
What do you mean it's not working?
It's working, it just takes time, okay?
It takes a little bit of time!
You're funny, baby.
Just a little more time and we'll all be free.
I tried, Sam.
To let you in.
They're fine, Ave!
They're with me and Jan now.
Go find something to open the door.
It's okay, go.
I tried to show you, Sam.
We're all so trapped.
Let us see our friends, Tad.
I am your friends!
We all want to be at optimal capacity.
Don't you see that with them and me and us and Janet, life is achieved.
You, Sam, you, you could've been a part of this beautiful circle, man.
You could've been a part of this beautiful circle, Sam!
I'm sorry you had to be tarnished.
You have to see.
We can be masters over death.
You had so much potential, Samuel.
Oh, my god.
Avery. Oh, my god.
Sam. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go get help.
Get Cory's phone.
Where is it?
Tad has it.
Okay, stay with Becca.
I'll be right back.
Come on, come on, come on, please work.
Hi, um, we're at...