Adult Beginners (2014) Script

Hi, I'm Jake Winton.

If you're receiving this video, it means that you have invested in MINDS i.

It also means that we have raised $2.5 million to start production on the sickest piece of wearable technology on the market today.

It's also much more affordable than any of our competitors.

I'm not gonna name any names, but I think you know who you are.

I'm telling you, there is no other product on the market today that is as comprehensive, easy to use, and fucking cool as MINDS i.

Wired Magazine, TechCrunch, and a whole mess of other media agree.

Look, I'm not an inventor. I'm an investor.

All of my money is in this product.

I know a good thing when I see it, and I want you guys to see it all, so thank you.

And you're welcome.


Gersh, congrats, her dad's out of jail.

Love the Windsor.

Chatakov, thank you for the pork bun rack.

Sam, you're not on the list, you can't be here.

Hey, dude, take off the braided belt.

No bullshit in my house, okay?

It's Hudson's apartment. Do what he says, dick.

Dick. You're gonna kill it, Dick.

We're in for another 75K. This launch is gonna be huge.

When I look around this room, I see so many people that I love... for their money.

But this is where I say something that I really mean.

I really want to thank you guys all for being here and investing your money and your time and your trust into MINDS i.

You are all gonna be so much more interesting to talk to at a dinner party a week from now, and you are gonna have so much more money on paper.

Whoo! To MINDS i.

Not bad.

Now, please, everybody enjoy their champagne.

It's filled with rufies, so we're gonna have a good fucking time tonight.

Oh, my God, you guys, that is so hot.

Mmm, yeah, it is.

Who wants a cup of coffee?

Mmm... I do. Yes.

Hey, lawyer man, tell me you're bringing by more demos.

People want their eyes to get fucked by technology.

Hudson, please.

They're the manufacturer.

What do you mean, they can't manufacture the part?

No, no, fuck.

Look, it's China, it's a big-ass country.

We'll just find someone else to make the part, okay?

We just need to keep this quiet and keep the launch smooth.

You're reading this off of TechCrunch, aren't you?

Jesus Christ. It's already out.

You guys are gonna leave me in here?

B dog.

What, did you have your fucking mom do the production research?

My mom's dead.

Right. But we're gonna find a new manufacturer and make this right.

Fuck you, fuck head.

Already on the phone, I love it.

Yeah, no, I'm on my way home. He... he lost all the money.

See you, man.

What time is it?

We are gonna watch the sun rise every day together, dude, until your soul is healed.

Oh, I can't stay here.

Tickets.

Get your tickets out, please.

I'm sorry, I forget where...

I put it. There it is.

Going backwards makes a lot of people nauseous.

Yeah, I don't get nauseous, man.

New Rochelle. Be there in no time.

Hey, man, where's my money? I trusted you, give me a call...

Hey, great party. Way to fuck up my life.

Stop texting Kat, okay? She broke up with you, dude.

The end, she's done.

Hey, Jake, my kids aren't going to camp this summer. Thanks, buddy.

I just wanted to let you know that you probably shouldn't come to the reunion this weekend.

You better find another fucking manufacturer...

Hey, Jake, I want you to tell my wife that she's probably gonna have to get a second job. I changed your name in my phone to "life ruiner."

Jake, don't come to my birthday party next week.

I wanted to leave you a voice mail so you could hear in my voice how disappointed and angry and pissed I am!


Hey.

It's Jake, your brother. I left you messages.

Well, I had no idea...

What are you doing here? Hi.

Uh...

Do you not answer your phone anymore?

I know, yeah, it's basically impossible for me to talk on the phone.

Hi... come in, hi.

Hi. Ugh.

Whoa. You all right?

No, it's good. I'm good, I'm fine.

I'm pregnant.

Really? Wasn't Teddy born, like, yesterday?

He's three.

He is?

And there's another one in there?

There's like nothing going on with this belly.

Sorry, I just... I don't like people touching it.

But you can touch it.

No, it's fine, I don't need to touch anything.

So how pregnant are you?

13 weeks.

Wow.

Why aren't you wearing your glasses?

I got Lasik.

You had surgery?

You don't have surgery without telling people.

I could have come in for that. When did you do it?

I don't know. Last year.

Wow.

Your eyes look kind of buggy.

Yeah, that's what I was going for.

Maybe you should check your thyroid.

You should check your thyroid.

Sorry, this is Teddy's wake of destruction.

Just step over that turtle, and have a seat.

Where is Teddy? Teddy!

He's actually at daycare, and I have a early meeting, so can you stay for dinner?

Yeah. Is it cool if I crash here?

Tonight? Sure.

Oh, don't sit there. Sorry, that's where Teddy puts his leaf babies to sleep.

Oh, that's where his leaf babies sleep, of course.

That makes perfect sense.

So, how long do you need to stay?

For a couple nights.

That's a big bag.

Yeah, well, I couldn't cram everything into a little bag when my entire world imploded upon itself.

You don't seem very focused.

Huh? I'm focused.

I'm focused on you and on folding this laundry and on not being late. What is going on?

Well, you can basically take the last three years of my life and light them on fire. Company's fucked.

My girlfriend dumped me. People hate me.

Oh. Did you, uh, lose a lot of money?

Oh, yeah, no, I lost, uh, all of my money and then some, and then I lost a lot of other people's money, which feels surprisingly terrible.

Dude, can you just take the day off?

I can't. I-I've been out a lot lately and my principal is tracking my level of commitment, so...

Whatever.

You're gonna be fine, Jake.

Fuck those people. I'm done with the city.

Your shirt's buttoned wrong.

Oh. Shit. Thanks.

So, if it's a couple of months, Is that okay? Three months?

Jesus, three months?

I'm sorry I didn't schedule my life falling apart better for you.

That's not what I'm saying. You just...

You show up here with your big bag, and you haven't been out here for at least a year.

I was here for Teddy's birthday.

We invited you and you didn't come.

Well, I wanted to be there, okay?

That counts for something.

I have to talk to Danny. Like ask him permission?

Like have a conversation where I ask him how he feels about you living with us for three months because he's my husband.

Can you answer me as to why there are so many new sconces around the house?

We're trying to sell the house.

Could you maybe not sell our childhood home right now?

Please?

I'm really sorry, Jake. Look, just...

Just hang out, and eat whatever you want, and I'll be home tonight and we can all have dinner.

Okay.

It's freezing in this house.

Can you get me a sweatshirt, please?

Ah! Fuck you, you pressed wood piece of shit.

Oh, look who it is.

Good nap?

Yeah, I forgot where I was.

You were in my bed with your shoes on.

Uh... It's okay.

Hey, sorry to hear about, you know, everything.

Oh, no worries.

So you gonna replace that door with more sconces?

We're doing reclaimed walnut.

Justine and Teddy are upstairs.

Oh, I'll go say hi to them.

You know what, no, no, don't do that.

She's pretty upset about that nap.

Why don't you be my little helper?

Help me take the door off.

You know I pay a guy to hang pictures in my apartment.

Dude, it's very easy.

You just take this, put it in there...

Uh-huh. And then look.

Exciting.

Do I need goggles? No, dude.

Like that?

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, ho. Lookit, lookit.

Hey! Hey! Holy shit!

Hey. Teddy!

Unky!

Look how big you are! You're like an adult man.

I'm holding an adult man!

I have a train table.

Yeah, I just used an electric screwdriver.

Let's go crazy!

Let's go crazy in the morning.

We just came in to say goodnight.

Good night? What time is it?

7:45. Time for books and bed.

Oh! What?

Shit, that means I've been sleeping for, like, nine hours.

9 1/2.

Shucks, that's a long nap.

Shucks!

You can't be mad at people for napping.

Dude, we get mad at anybody who gets any sleep.

Okay, Mr. Monster Man, let's bring it in.

Family hug. Bring it in.

Family hug. Come on. No!

Oh!

I'm hungry, I'm gonna have to eat some of... grr.

No, you can't eat him!

All right.

Mwah. I'll start dinner.

Hi. Good night.

Okay. Good night!

Night, Teddy.

What is that?

This guy. Is that that...

Is that that song from The Shining?

Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.

I love that song.

Jeez, You guys are eating like rescue dogs.

I know, we got to slow down.

You talk to him yet?

No.

What?

I need to stay here for a few months.

Yeah, sure.

Mm!

What?

My sister moved back in with my parents after she had that nervous breakdown, dropped out of school. Same thing.

Yeah, it's the same thing as that.

I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet.

I can help out around the house, buy groceries, build stuff, rip shit out of walls as needed.

You want to watch Teddy?

Yeah, sure. I'll watch cartoons with him while you guys have a night on the town.

I could do that, like, every other week.

He can watch Teddy.

You mean like "watch him" watch him?

No. Come on, dude.

That day care sucks. It's not clean.

The kids are always licking the toys, and...

One got whooping cough last week.

Yeah, It's fucking dark ages there.

Plus, he'll help us out money-wise.

We're not broke.

Well...

What?

Hi. What the fuck's going on?

I...

Nothing, it's... Well, I guess... The idea on the table is that you... stay for a few months, and you look after Teddy.

Guys, I'm talking about, like, buying groceries, maybe build a few things.

I need you to make me feel better.

Come on, you fuck. He's cute.

You need to get a flu shot.

We'll take care of it, dock it out of your pay, or whatever.

Oh, we're paying him now?

We can't not.

Can't not. How much we talking about?

300.

A day?

A week, maybe.

You should take it, bro.

Fine.

Awesome! I'm gonna get the Breyers.

You seriously gonna do this?

You know I have a DUI, right?

You don't trust me with your kid?

Absolutely.

Dude! The old room.

I'm gonna need, like, four guys to get rid of that thing.

It's all right. Look, left your dope-ass Bar Mitzvah thing up.

Guess I had a lot of interests.

Still badass.

Are you okay? Do you want to talk?

No, I'm good.

Open or closed?

Closed.

Good night.

Good night.


Hey, so you're cool, right, with the whole thing?

Yeah. Yeah?

Fine.

Okay.

He decides when he comes and when he goes, you know.

Whatever works for him.

Okay, so we are gonna talk about it?

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm done.

Yeah? Yeah.

Okay.

You know, he doesn't even know how old Teddy is.

I just don't... I mean, it's not like he has to get him anything.

He's just like my dad. Everything's a fly-by, I...

He just shows up here like...

Okay, I'm gonna go and drink a coke so we can keep talking about it. No, it's fine.

No, it's fine, it's fine. I...

He's my brother.

Okay.

Fuck, I forgot to brush my teeth.

Spit in this.

I love you.

Hmm?

I love you.

I'm sorry, I didn't... Okay.

I'm jumping.

Stop. Stop, Teddy.

Too early, buddy. Stop jumping on the bed, okay?

It's 7:00. We've been up for two hours.

What? Yeah.

He has? How's that possible?

That's crazy.

It's going down!

Can you... I really feel it. Can you?

Yeah, I can feel it.

Unky Jake needs a little coffee, and then I'll be ready to play, okay?

Coffee bean!

Coffee beans!

"I used to just splash. Now I make waves.

"I used to be shy. Now I am brave.

"I used to just watch. Now I can dig.

I used to be little. Now I am big."

How is this not putting you to sleep?

Okay, Teddy's gonna be a good boy while Unky Jake does his business.

No, Teddy, you can't play with that.

That is a heavy glass paperweight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't play with glass like that, buddy.

Okay.

Hold on a second, we're gonna deal with this.

This better be an emergency.

Yeah, no, this is an emergency.

I can't even go to the bathroom without him breaking something.

I'm here with a student who is literally a million times smarter than you.

She's gonna get into Harvard.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Jake, just leave the door open.

I tried leaving the door open, but your devil child wouldn't listen to me.

I'm sorry, it's my little brother.

He's kind of an idiot.

Oh my God, mine's an effing moron.

You really think I can get into Harvard?

Yeah, I really do.

Don't climb up there. Teddy, please, just give me one minute.

Teddy, that's... It's fragile.

I know you think this is hilarious, but this is one of the more embarrassing events of my life.

Look, Jean, if Shirley's gonna organize meeting with parents about college prep strategy during lunch, I'm gonna need a little more notice.

What's happening? Are we rescheduling?

You left me a note about a parent meeting?

Yes, I did, right there in your mailbox.

I have a cell phone.

Yes, I know you have a cell phone.

They're everywhere. Look, Shirley, my brother just showed up out of nowhere and he's staying with us. I'm pregnant.

I have a doctor's appointment.

Listen, I'm sure the baby will be great, but I would like for you and I to be great, and that means we gotta put a little more effort into our communication. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So let me be clear.

You want me to miss my ultrasound appointment to check that my baby is healthy because I didn't check my mailbox?

Jean, we'll reschedule. Can you make that happen?

And please look around and find my password.

I can never remember it.

Yeah?

Hi, uh, how do you open the stroller, and what time are you coming home?

You step down on it, and then you push the handles up and out.

I can't talk, I'm at work. I gotta go.

Who I am, not for what you wanted me to be.

I just wanted you to be happy. That's all.

Oh, my God.

Sweet rides, right? Good afternoon, ladies.

What, you've never seen a kid in a suitcase before?

Who's a stud, Teddy?

Me!

Yeah, that's right.

Suitcase stud!

Kind of a beat scene, huh, Teddy?

Teddy, why don't you go hit the monkey bars for a second?

Yeah, why don't you go hit the jungle gym, bud.

Oof.

They grow up so fast now, they can just play on their own.

Hmm. Hmm.

How old's your little boy?

She's a girl.

No doubt, no doubt.

You're a girl too, aren't you?

I'm Jake.

Blanca.

Blanca? But you're not white?

Funny.

I know, right? Mm-hmm.

It's crazy. Yeah, it's funny, 'cause it's like... Whoo! Pa-pow, pow, pow!

Pa-pow, pow, pow, pow, pow! Pa-pow, pow!

Hey, Armin.

Hey, Blanca.

Mwah.

How are you, gorgeous? No, you're gorgeous.

No, Georgia is gorgeous. Hello, Georgia.

Hey, if you want, Bash and I are gonna go have snacks on the giant turtle today, so you are invited. Ooh.

Oh, shit, I forgot to feed Teddy.

Do you have any snacks?

Hey, language, man.

Just a little something. I'm sorry, he...

Wow. So this is Teddy's nanny.

Oh.

I'm actually his uncle, and what does "oh" mean?

Ah, nothing, man. I'm just effing with you.

Oh, hey, are you guys going to the wool festival today?

Mm-hmm. Oh, great.

You're gonna love this. It's... they've got live sheep.

The kids can pet the sheep. There's a knitting workshop.

The kids go crazy for it. There's a yarn toss.

Remember, we went last year. Uh-huh.

Oh, is that where you made the pizza hat?

Nope, Blanca got me this hat.

'Cause I was gonna say, it's awesome.

Yeah. I mean, everybody loves pizza.

You know, I'm not touching carbs right now, but...

We're going. Okay, good.

Oh, shit.

No, don't sip it from the straw.

Hold it up to your face, please, okay?

There you go, like that.

Good. Hey!

Oh. Hi, little monster.

How's my little baby? You okay, hey, honey?

I'm letting him do whatever he wants.

Hey, you did exactly what I would've done.

Tongues and lips bleed like a m-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r.

Hey, hey. Let me see. I don't know what you're spelling.

I called you, like, a gazillion times, with information.

Hey, I'm sorry. I know, I had my phone on silent.

I had five students today who didn't get into their first choice of schools.

It was an s-h-i-t-show.

Just stop spelling. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I had to pry his mouth open to see if his teeth were still there.

It was fucking rough.

My God, you still have baby blood on your shirt.

What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Okay, hey, let me wash it. I'll wash it off for you.

Jake. Whoa, what's up, Channing Tatum?

Huh? What is up with that?

That is my letter of resignation written in baby blood.

Come on, it's been one day. Where are you going?

I don't know, I just... I gotta go out for a little while.

I'll bring the car back, and then I'm gonna figure out where I'm gonna go next.

Jake, come on.

Hey. Hey.

Are you my little monster? Huh?

Yeah?

Let me see your mouth, baby. Oh.

Hey, are you smoking my cigarettes?

What? You're smoking?

No. You're an idiot.

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling at you.

Please. You're about to have two kids.

No cigarettes, please.

And they're not yours. You have to ask.

Smooshed.

You know I can just buy more.

Not on your salary.

Good night, assholes.

Ow. Don't kiss me so it hurts.

So what's up?

Uh, nothing.

Well, what are you gonna do now?

Well, I was gonna sit here and obsess over all the shit I've done wrong the last few years, and then probably fall asleep watching Bravo.

Want to smoke pot?

I don't have pot.

So cigarettes are a no-fly zone but she's okay with this, or she doesn't know about this?

Dude, I stopped this.

When he turned two, I stopped.

And she didn't even ask me to stop.

She was like, "You don't have to stop

'cause he's getting older," and I was like, "I don't... I want to stop," and she's like, "Well, you don't have to want to stop just because he's getting older."

I-I'm like...

I don't know... Dude, I don't know, stop asking questions.

Hey, you like the renovations?

No.

Nah.

I like that you like staying up late.

I love staying up late.

And this... this gets the smell out?

Fuck yeah.

It's unreal, man.

I did, like, a whole system. I put fucking Joy's blanket that she gave us... right? That's perfect...

Fan, fucking box...

Oh, sure, but you know what? I always forget to do this.

You know, Teddy has got the tiniest fucking hands.

He puts 'em all over everything so I have to do this.

His hands are tiny.

Dude, it's no joke. They're teeny.

His hand is tiny. He says...

His mom... I mean, your sister's are tiny.

His little ears... his ears.

The ears, you can't even see your sister's ears.

Justine's...

Hold on, what is that?

That something?

So what's your plan?

Well, I'm gonna eat all the Cheddar Bunnies in the goddamn universe.

After that, I don't know.

Are you scared?

I don't want to start over again.

At least I'm not getting death threats anymore.

Fuck it, dude, you should just open a cheese shop.

Or a bakery. Like, little, tiny pies.

That's all anybody wants, is comfort, right?

All right, 17 weeks.

Great. If you want me to film this, I...

No.

Are you wanting to know the sex of the child?

Don't. Don't say anything.

Danny likes surprises.

I can't even look at this.

Oh, my God, what is that?

What?

Babe, you're an asshole. Just relax.

Fluid looks great.

Yes, my fluid.

It looks good.


You can't be that happy, you're getting a massage in a strip mall.

No. No, no, no, no.


Wow. Been drinking?

No. I had, like, 3 1/2 glasses of Riesling.

Dude, You can't drink and drive my car.

Okay, Dad.

You already know I have a kid, that's not really an insult.

I'm not drunk.

Good day?

Yeah, yeah, I went... Got some frozen yogurt waiting for that bar to open. Cross Creek Square.

Awesome.

Yeah, you know that one, it's across the street from the frame store and that sad-ass spa. You been there?

Got a lot of choices over there. You can get whatever you want.

A lot of toppings. So how was that spa?

Okay, I don't wanna...

What?

I don't know. Look at me, I'm drunk, and I'm not even gonna remember this tomorrow.

You're not drunk, dude.

Okay, listen to me.

I went and I had a massage with my business associate.

I know that sounds bad, but we weren't even in the same room.

It's not a good spa.

I came in here for juice.

Hey, look, I fuck around on all my girlfriends a little bit, so don't listen to me. I don't even know what I'm saying.

You know what you're saying.

I'm not saying anything.

Nothing happened, okay?

Except the occasional couples massage in separate rooms.

Anything else?

I don't know.

Do we need to talk?

Okay, I'm gonna go to my air mattress now.

Add the power of oxygen to every load...

When you open a restaurant, it's scary, 'cause you're putting yourself out there.

Hey. You want to watch something stupid?

Hmm? Like Chopped?

I'd be asleep before they even fuck up the appetizers.

Justine, come on. You know what's on next.

House Hunters International.

Move over. Your touching my elbow.


Oh, shit. What... why are you up so early?

I thought we should spend some time together today.

Okay.

Since it's... You know, the anniversary.

Mom died on the 15th. It's tomorrow.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I'm going back to bed.

No, no, come on, come on. You're already up.

Hi, Duncan.

So where are you gonna move?

I don't know, we can't afford anything around here.

So don't sell our house.

I want to. I need a change.

We can't live there forever.

If we don't sell it now, we'll never leave.

Oh, is that Dana Sormin's dad?

Yeah. They still live here.

You've got to switch with me.

He caught me feeling up his daughter in eighth grade.

I can't let him see me.

Don't worry about it.

You've gained a lot of weight since high school, Jake.

What? No, my body's just changed shapes.

Is that why you're wearing Mom's coat?

This is Mom's coat? Yeah.

He's gonna think I'm walking with my Aunt Lynne.

"Hello, Madam."

"Oh, hi, sweetie.

You married that Cuban boy, huh?"

"You know, the Cubans and the Jews, they really...

They really get along."

"They understand oppression."

That's right.

Be nice. He never gets to talk to us in the same place at the same time today.

Be nice.

You said that already.

Hey. Hi, Dad.

Oh, there you are.

We just thought we would call you together and see how are you doing today.

It's terrible here.

Yeah. - Oh, my gosh.

It's just like a blow furnace out here.

It's supposed to go up to 103 today.

Forget having a hairdo. Really?

Soon we're just... we're gonna stop wearing clothes altogether.

Oh, wow.

We're just gonna wear rash cream.

Wow. Dad, we...

We took some tulips over to Mom's...

I appreciate that.

Now, where is Teddy, huh?

Yeah, where's that...

Because I have something I want to show him.

What is this? Oh, my gosh.

Dad, what are you doing? I...

Just... I want to show you the new pool.

Oh...

A little spray tan, you think maybe?

Show of hands.

Oh. Just a little.

Hey. Oh.

We just ate lunch, so...

Come on, I want Teddy to see the diving board.

Oh, no, he's... actually, he's not here, Dad, so you don't...

Whoa, is that Bruce Willis and his new hot young wife?

Looking good, Bill!

Who is that, that handsome, drop-dead gorgeous Danny?

I'm just walking through. I'm working.

Don't go. Don't go. Where's Teddy?

Teddy's napping, Dad, so it's just us, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. Miss that munchkin.

Well, can he swim?

No, he's three.

Well, now's the time. See, we waited too long with you two.

Well, he's only three. So...

No, don't wait too long.

You didn't wait too long, did you, Dad?

What? We can't hear you now.

Jake. What? It's on mute.

I didn't touch a thing. It's not working.

He's not good on the phone, okay?

It's like he has no idea what's going on with this family.

He hasn't even asked why I'm here.

You done? You call them every week?

Yeah, every week.

You have a death wish.

Hey. Probably... Oh, there we are.

Hey. Hey. They're back.

What happened? We didn't do anything.

I-I think it just dropped out for a second.

What made that happen? Technology.

Yeah.

One of those things, but we'll let you go.

It was great to see you, and...

Wait, whoa, whoa. Don't go yet.

When are we gonna get to see Teddy?

Yeah, that little Teddy Bear. No, he's napping now, so we'll try you later in the week.

Did he get those little turquoise cufflinks I sent?

I did, I did, yeah.

You know, maybe for his confirmation I could...

Or his Bar Mitzvah.

Okay, well, we'll just do a little David thing, and then we'll do a little Christ thing...

Yeah.

And you know, just have a wardrobe.

Uh-huh.

Okay, well that's it, so we're gonna go, but it was lovely to talk to you, Dad, we miss you.

Yup, and you get that boy swimming.

I'm doing fine, by the way.

Okay, good one. Give my love to Teddy.

Okay, that's it, bye. Bye.

Okay. Bye.

I mean, that made me physically nauseous.

Do you like talking to her? I have a severe headache.

I can smell the hairspray through the screen.

Teddy, you got any straight pieces?

Want to trade?

Hi!

Hi! Mom, I love you!

Yeah! I love you! Come here, monster man.

Can I have a kiss? Please?

Mwah.

Look at these beautiful trains, huh?

Yeah. Look at that.

You guys are busy.

So?

It's gorgeous.

I signed you up for a "Mommy and Me" swim class at the high school.

I'm gonna swim! Yeah.

It starts tomorrow.

No.

I did.

I don't have a bathing suit.

That's okay. You can borrow one of Danny's.

Ew, I'm not gonna wear another man's bathing suit.

That's like rubbing Ds.

What are you, ten?

I don't know, am I?

You need some structure. Danny will give you the car, he said he would, and Teddy's old enough. He should learn.

I agree that he should learn to swim, with his mother.

There's no classes available on the weekend.

I already checked.

Okay. "Swim class, 3-5 years old.

"Friday, 4:00-4:45.

"Still available.

Saturday, 2:00-2:45. Still available.

You want me to check Sunday?

Are you done? Mm-hmm.

2:00 P.M. will fuck up his nap, so we'll go Friday, together.

Fine, but I get my own bathing suit.

I don't give a shit what you wear.

Fine, I'm gonna do it nude.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Excuse me, you have anything else that's a little less Margaritaville?

No, what you see is what we have, man.

Holy shit.

Hello? Dude.

Nothing? Paul Reggio.

Reggio Jackson? Come on, man, everyone called me that.

I went to New Rochelle High with you.

Oh, right.

Think we did Guys and Dolls together.

I think you were Sky Masterson, and I think I was Nicely-Nicely Johnson.

No, that was Goldberg.

That's right. I did tech.

But if I auditioned, I would have been Nicely-Nicely Johnson.

No doubt. All right, man, good to see you.

Thanks, man, doing good.

Doing good, you know, assistant manager, so...

Really? Some day.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Sweet. Crazy, man.

Oh, dude, do you remember Ben Bresler's cast party... you went to? I think it was the night you found out you got into Colgate.

Cornell. Cornell, that's right.

Yeah. Colgate's a toothpaste.

Stupid. Oh, dude, you took the hugest rip off of Bresler's bong.

You tore your pants off, you did LaserDisc karaoke to the Moonlighting theme?

Yeah. We were like...

Yeah. Mind blown, man.

That was a fun night.

Yeah, we all knew you were going on to amazing things at that point.

So what are you up to now, man? Come on, gimme the rundown.

Make me jealous.

Um... I'm actually doing, like, early childhood education stuff now.

Whoa. That sounds big.

I was doing, like, a bunch of tech stuff, and I was like, "Know what? Eh.

How 'bout I give back, you know?"

Awesome. Yeah, it's going well.

Kids. Yeah, they're the future.

We'll see, but...

Mm-hmm. No, they are.

They will be. We'll see.

No, it's undoubted that children are the future.

Crazy, man. Yeah, so...

My sister's pregnant, so I'm, like, staying at her place, and just kind of helping her out a little bit, getting my ducks in a row.

Yeah.

She came in here a couple weeks ago to buy a bra.

It was the best.

All right, cool, man, this is weird.

I'm still thinking about it.

I bet. Okay.

Yeah, hey, well, now that you're back, man, you should give me a call. We do, like, a rotating brunch thing every Sunday with, like, the whole crew. Like, Buskirk, Golub, Mclntire...

Yeah, those guys weren't in my crew, so...

Me neither, but, like, now we roll pretty deep.

Yeah, here, let me take your phone.

Oh. I'm gonna call yo' phone from my phone, and then our phones will do it up.

Is it ringing?

Why isn't it ringing? Hello?

You're 'em both up to...

Yeah, well, I'm trying to see which one...

Yeah.

There we go.

Nice, the Star Wars theme.

It's The Shining.

With Jack Nicklaus?

Yeah, the golfer. Yeah.

All right, man, well, it was good to see you.

Dude, contact made. Jake Winton's back.

Come on, man, bring it in.

Mm. Good seeing you, man.

You too, man. That's a nice coat.

Thanks. Looks like my mom's coat.

It's a... It's a guy's coat.

Did you steal my mom's coat?

Did you steal my mom's coat?

No, man.

Move our aquababies through the water.

We want them to love their water experience so please keep talking to them or...

One parent, one aquababy.

She's the... She's the parent.

You go in. Hey.

He's going in. I'm not going underwater.

I'm not going underwater.

I don't know how to swim.

No one is swimming today. We're just standing and walking, and singing songs.

You said that already.

That might help you, okay?

Come on, everybody.

Okay, just... Please stop wiggling.

Stop wiggling and just hold still for me, please.

Teddy, just stay still. Ugh.

Justine! Okay, okay.

Please. Okay.

Okay.

Stop wiggling. Hold on.

Hold on. Yeah.

Here comes your mama.

One parent, one aquababy.

Yeah, we got it, okay?

Our parents didn't teach us how to swim, so... hi.

Aw. Everyone, let's say hello!

Okay, this is a new aquababy.

Miss Jenn's Adult Beginners?

Get your feet wet.

Then you can swim with Teddy next semester.

No, we are very excited about this class.

It's actually very therapeutic for my brother's depression.

What? Oh.

If you want Teddy to have confidence in the water, you need to have it too.

I'm not depressed.

We're very confident.

Thank you. We'll see you next week.

Fuck her!

I'm not an adult beginner.

Okay, you got five more minutes on this section.

Another glass?

Can I just have, like, that much?

Fine, I'll just have another glass, thanks.

And you?

Uh, yeah, I'll have a glass of that too.

Thanks.

I was kidding.

This is the first time anyone's ever served me alcohol in a restaurant ever.

Wow.

Are you gonna send it back?

When I was your age, I basically took my SATs drunk.

What did you get? I got a 1600.

And then I went to Columbia and was drunk there.

So is this what you studied?

College prep? No, that wasn't my major.

Poly-sci, and then I went to NYU for law school.

You're a lawyer? No, no, I...

My mom got sick in the last semester, so I came up here for a few weeks and then I just never left.

Yeah, shit.

I'm sorry.

You can have one sip, and then finish that section.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hi.

Hey, Teddy.

Welcome to the playdate. Teddy, blow that horn.

Oh, oh, wait. Are you a shoes-off house?

I don't know.

Hmm. Okay, where are the toys?

They're in the living room. Teddy, you can grab my neck, but you can't grab my neck skin.

I can grab your neck skin!

Okay, lesson learned. Hi, Georgia.

Say hi, Georgia.

Aw, she's shy today.

That's okay. Hey, Georgia, did you bring... "Hey, I'm so hungry!"

Today on ze menu at Chez Teddy, we have a delicious assortment of Cheddar Bunnies, Bunny Fruits, Buddy Fruits, carrots, apples shaped like dogs...

And milk in mommy and daddy glasses because this is a special playdate.

Mmm.

I feel like they take stuff out just so that we have to put it away.

They do have so many things.

I know, like this fire truck, I keep trying to hide from Teddy. He keeps finding it.

And this? I tried to throw out, but Georgia caught me.

Oh, this thing is just gonna keep playing.

We just have to wait it out.

No, Georgia!

Don't touch that. That's not yours.

Wait, I actually read this thing that if the kids take things and put them between their thumb and two fingers, it's actually practice for eventual writing skills.

We should get a snack.

Okay.

Wait.

What?

What about the Supermanny?

Armin? Yeah.

That's just for when I'm bored.

Wait, what about the kids? Will they be okay?

They're fine. That's the "Elbow Song."

We have about ten more minutes.

Okay.

Justine?

Could I just...

I'm going for my five-month check-up.

I cleared it with Jane.

No, no.

You have to clear everything with me now.

Jean's son just got checked into rehab for Internet gambling last week.

Yeah, she's totally out to lunch.

I left you a memo about this three days ago.

But, it's not what I want to talk to you about.

Listen, I had a conference with Marley Benson's mom, and she said that she saw you and Sarah Lipson at Theresa's Bakery, and that you were both drinking.

"Drinking" drinking?

Drinking alcohol.

Is she crazy? Well...

She's a minor and I'm pregnant.

I... I realize some of the moms like to manufacture the drama.

Some of the moms are insane.

Justine, her voice was very level with concern.

Penis.

You have no idea what you're looking at.

Penis, that's a boy.

Can you just tell me what it is? Really?

I mean, just tell me.

It's a girl.

I'm gonna be a girl's uncle.

That's insane.

Don't tell Danny. He really didn't want to find out.

I'm such an asshole.

You're not an asshole.

I mean, you're an asshole, but not because of that.

Can you put on a little show for him?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, is it possible that the girl could have a penis?

It's happened before.

I would love her just the same.

What?

Where, where?

What?

Bubble-butt. Muffin top.

Do it up. Muffin back.

Okay, okay, okay. Muffin front.

Dru-Dru-Drury Lane. Drury Lane.

So you can't see it, but the studs are spaced

24 inches rather than 16.

Saved 25% on the studs.

Turned that into six lineal feet of floor-to-ceiling insulation.

Six lineal feet, huh? Yup.

You love insulation.

Oh, also, I designed these floor-to-floor straps.

You know? That we use for certain heavily-loaded second story shear panels.

But I only use those if the calculations prove necessary.

And did they?

Did they what?

Did the calculations prove necessary?

Oh, you guys are fucking with me.

You guys, I just want to know what you think of the place.

Baby, I love it. I love it.

It's awesome. I love it. I love it.

Show... what's this? Show me over here.

Oh, those are my storm windows?

You want to see my storm windows?

It's beautiful. Yeah?

Yeah, I love it. Do you?

Why are you so smart?

Hi, are you here for the open house?

Come right this way.

Oh, fuck.

He's really the best contractor I ever worked with.

Oh, me too.

Okay, come on, we should pick Teddy up from his play date.

Come on, babe.

What the fuck?

Mold?!

What the fuck?

You guys, I'm sorry, I gotta go.

I got an inspection on Monday.

It's okay. He's asleep.

Okay. I'm so sorry, baby.

I'm so fucking hungry.

Dehumidifier. Dijo, dehumidifier.

Hey, want to order a movie On Demand?

I won't make it.

Come on, we'll get something stupid.

We can get The Princess Bride.

I gotta clean up.

Fuck, I feel like this kid is trying to tunnel out my lower back.

Sit down. I got it.

Bring It On?

What's going on here? He's sick.

Can you get the Vicks?

Yeah.

Hey. Oh, thanks.

A little Vicks for Mom.

A little beer for Unky Jake.

A little rubdown for the man.

Here you go, honey.

Is my hair crazy?

No, it looks nice.

What about mine?

No, 'cause you had it chemically straightened.

I had it chemically straightened, like, once.

For prom, okay?

Want to trade?

Yeah.

Jakey. There we go.

Let's get Uncle Jakey just a little sick.

Okay.

You want to hook a brother up?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

There we go, buddy.

Let's get that rub on.

Yeah.

You know, Unky Jakeys have to pay a lot more for these rubdowns.

Dude.

What?

What is that face? I know that face.

What face? What are you talking about?

You were having a sex flashback.

I wasn't having a sex flashback.

Yes, you were. I saw it.

Tell me. Who did you sleep with?

Stop it. No.

You've only been here two months and you're already f-u-c-k-i-n-g-ing somebody?

I'm holding your son.

You're a pervert.

I saw that face.

Busy.

You're busy.

He, like, sneezed on me.

Yeah. Yeah.

"One morning, Little Rabbit sat on the bank.

"He pricked his ears and listened to the trit-trot, trit-trot of a pony..."

Can we put something better on?

No, I'm the guest.

Hey!

That' not how "I'm The Guest" is played.

The guest gets to decide what TV shows to watch, what games are played, and what to listen to on the tape player.

You always cheat.

You've always been a cheater.

I'm the guest.

"Everywhere that Big Chick went, Little Chick went, too."

You're right. This is better.

"Big Chick went looking for berries

"and Little Chick followed.

"Big Chick took a walk in the woods and Little Chick followed."

He's asleep.

"'But I'll be lonely, ' said Little Chick.

"The next morning, Big Chick woke up early, and she left without waiting for Little Chick..."

Fresh lemonade from powder.

Fresh powder. Just 50ยข.

I love that you kept the VCR.

Okay.

Okay, well, it's pretty cold out, but I think we're gonna get some people walking by.

Why were we always trying to sell things that people didn't want to buy?

Fuck. I'm still doing that.

You had such a cute voice.

That was the only reason we sold anything.

It was like the center of our business model.

God, you made me hawk all those sea shells.

They were all fucking broken.

"Sea shells. Get your seashells."

"Seashells"

That's not... I didn't sound like a...

You were so cute.

No, I wasn't.

I drank with a student.

"Drank" drank?

Yeah. It's bad.

I could get fired.

Maybe I want to get fired.

Just fuck everything up.

You're pregnant. They can't fire you.

This girl, Sarah, she's great.

She's gonna get in everywhere she applies.

She sounds like you.

I wish you came to visit because you were happy.

I was happy. Look at me.

We're gonna just keep our eye out for a while.

Are you happy?

Okay, turn it off.

Bye.

Get out of here.

Thank you for not throwing everything away.


Hey. Hey.

How's Teddy?

He's wheezy, but sleeping.

How's the mold?

Bro, it's bad.

Still moldy?

You like your room?

Took me, like, two hours to drag that fucking Nordic Track out of here.

That's great.

You want to smoke out?

No.

You want to keep me company?

Cats. Now and forever.

This is the same wood from the cabinets.

And, you know, he's gonna be able to eat on it.

Fucking Play-Doh.

All that shit.

It's gonna be nice to have his own space.

Yeah, it's great.

I gotta go to bed, man.

What? No, dude.

Come on, I got snacks.

I can't.

I can't look at tiny tables and pretend like we're cool.

Your kid was sick and you were off fucking Plainy the Real Estate Agent.

Look. Hmm?

What is that?

That's mold. Okay?

She wasn't there? Really?

Dude. Mold. Mold, mold, mold.

Mold, fucking everywhere. Yeah.

I don't understand how you can make it okay in your head, because it's not. Okay?

And you walk around, like, just because you're building things, everything's even?

Do you think I'm an asshole?

I don't know.

No, you don't. Because you know I'm not.

Yeah, you're fantastic.

Look, I needed attention, Jake.

I needed somebody to look at me instead of being fucking distracted by something more important.

And that was all? That's all. Okay?

I would talk about whatever and she would think I'm awesome.

Okay? And it only got weird when we started to...

Oh, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

The sex was terrible. It sucked, okay?

And the second time was even worse...

Just stop talking 'cause I don't want to hear.

Twice. That's how many times we did it.

That's it.

Don't fucking throw little cookies at me.

Hey!

Just stop fucking around on my family.

Right. Your family.

So you think you've got it all worked out now, huh?

After three months.

You know what it means to have a family.

To have a wife, to have a kid.

To have a kid, Jake.

You've got it all worked out now.

I was here. Where were you?

I was working.

You know what? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Okay?

I mean, you don't really live here.

Nobody expects anything from you.


Okay, okay, point taken.

A little cabbage goes a long way.

But look, you two do this at every meal.

You know, I used to have a waterbed in here.

Oh.

That sounds really uncomfortable.

Yeah, it was, but I loved it.

I had to read 100 books with my mom to earn it.

And then we sold it 'cause she thought it was gonna give me scoliosis.

Yeah? Yeah.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Are you a doctor now?

How does it feel?

It feels straight enough for me.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Well, that's what you get for working out once a month.

You know Franny's mom?

She asked me about you for nanny share.

Oh, yeah?

Sounds hot.

Shut up.

That just means she wants you to take care of Franny and Teddy together.

One more kid. More money.

Shit.

What?

I mean, she thinks you're really good with Teddy.

Whatever, you don't have to do it.

Don't freak out. I'm not freaking out.

It's just, like, this gig is temporary.

Okay, that's cool.

You know, Armin's band is playing at Brennan's on Saturday.

The manny has a band.

Perfect. Mm-hmm.

So, would you like to go together?

Me and you?

Two nannies on a date together?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool. Let's do it.

And I might get up there and sing with him.

What up? Hey.

Uh, have you seen Teddy's Giraffe-y?

I can't find it anywhere and he's freaking out.

I can't put him down.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. I think we left it at Georgia's house.

I'll go get it.

Oh, no, no, no. It's too late.

No. It's fine. I'm happy to do it.

I literally have nothing better to do.

Thank you.

It is gonna happen.

They are gonna raise the billion six.

They're having an IPO before the end of the year.

Right, we have a shit-ton of homework to do for our guys.

Yeah? Yeah, I'm Jake, Teddy's uncle.

Georgia's friend. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Teddy left his toy giraffe here earlier today and now he's having a Chernobyl-level meltdown...

All right, come in.

So, look, do we have the personnel, or not?

I mean... you know... let me, um, let me call you back.

I got a guy here looking for a giraffe.

Hey, can I use the car tonight?

Where are you going? Are you going out?

I'm going to Brennan's.

For some fucking shitty-ass band.

Wait, okay. Wait, well, I'll come with you.

You can drink. I can drive.

Baby, can you stay here with our sleeping child, and then I get to go out?

Yeah. Of course.

Great.

Awesome.

Give me two seconds.

Fuck you.


Is this too much?

Yeah. No.

It's too short. No, that looks hot.

Yeah? Put some pants on. Please.

Oh, shut up.

You look perfect. Go on, please.

Oh, come on.

Relax, let's go.

Oh, hot!

You look good.

Bring that back home.

Jesus, enough.

You look like a Tim Burton creature.

Hey. What was going on with you and Danny?

What do you mean?

Did he make fun of your shirt or something?

What's wrong with my shirt? It's casual chic.

I can't believe how long you've been here.

Yeah, it's crazy.

No, no, it's, like, it's flown by.

Do you like your room?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

Whoo!

Why are we stopping?

'Cause I'm picking up a friend.

Oh, my God, am I on your date?

Shit, is that why you're wearing CK One?

No. I can smell you from here.

It's fine.

Blanca, you remember my sister, Justine.

Hi. Hey.

Do you always bring your pregnant sister on dates?

Just when I'm trying to guarantee I won't get laid.

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

You should just take me home.

No. No, no, no, no.

You know what? I love your eye shadow.

Thanks! It's gorgeous.

Oh, thank you. I love your hair.

Oh, my God, thank you.

It's incredible.

I love your highlights.

I did these myself. Really?

Yeah. L'Oreal. This coat's from Old Navy.

I always wanted to do highlights but I'm always afraid...

Don't want to miss the band.

You didn't tell me this was a date, by the way.

This is gonna be a fun time.

You know, I never go out.


Thanks, guys.

We'll be back in ten.

Stay sexy.

That's not Toad the Wet Sprocket.

I know you think it is.

But it's not.

You want me to get you another cran and soda?

No, it's cool. I got it.

Sorry, she just doesn't get out much.

She's awesome.

So, um, Georgia's dad, he said that he talked to you the other day.

Yeah, Teddy left his giraffe, so I went and grabbed it.

Mm.

So you got a giraffe and a job offer.

That's cool.

He said you were there for like an hour, and that you were really impressive.

Yeah, it's a finance job, which is fucking boring.

It's practically entry-level.

You gonna take it?

Uh, I am.

You know, my cousin needs a job.

Your sister should totally hire her to take care of Teddy.

What?

I like having sex with you, but I wasn't planning our wedding.

Okay.

You're not taking us seriously, are you?

I know. I just...

I thought that you were taking me seriously and it made me feel better about my life.

Oh. That's fucked up.

Hmm.

I'm gonna go play Asteroids.

I'm gonna stay here and get drunk.

That's cool.

You do that.

See, if you stay here, you already have a girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

Okay, sensitivo.

I used to sneak in here.

I used to want to be in here so badly.

How depressing is that?

You know what? I can't hear you mope anymore.

Okay?

Look.

Pregnant Running Man.

Stretching.

Stretching.

Come on.

You just came to drink?

It's a bar.

Well, we don't have to hang out.

Go and talk to your not girlfriend.

She'll make you feel better.

I'll feel better when I get back to my life.

There's a job in the city. I'm gonna take it.

You're gonna have to find someone else to take care of Teddy.

Blanca said she know someone, so...

Just so you're prepared.

Wow.

That's great.

You must be relieved.

Don't make me feel bad.

It's a real job. I have to take it.

No, no. It's great.

Could you just get me my juice?

Okay, don't. Okay?

If you say that you're gonna get your own juice, then I believe that that is what you're gonna do.

Why are you getting like this?

It's just, like, if you want me to get you juice, just ask.

But don't test me. I'm not Danny.

Oh, thanks.

Just, like, sleep with your husband, okay?

I'm not your problem.

What? I never go out.

Fuck you.

So what, we're leaving? Yeah.

Fine. Take the car. I'll stay somewhere else.

Right, where are you gonna go? I have friends.

Really? Why didn't you stay with them for the last three months?

I've been here for almost three months helping you.

But I don't want that to be my whole life.

Don't worry. It's not.

People die. People are born.

But the only reason you stick around for more than two minutes is when you need something.

I needed you to make me feel better.

I had something real, and now it's gone.

Don't talk to me about how you had something real and now it's gone.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No one told you you had to drop out of law school.

She didn't ask you to come home and take care of her.

Because she didn't have to.

She said she didn't want me to interrupt my life just because she was sick.

We didn't even come close to interrupting your life.

If you had a dog, it would have interrupted your life more than Mom dying.

You don't think I wanted to be there when she died?

I called you. I called you when we knew it was close.

I told the nurse, I said, "Tell me when it's close, I need to call my brother.

We need to be here together."

I left you messages.

I couldn't breathe.

Dad was here. Danny was here.

That's right, I'm an asshole and Danny's a saint.

I wanted you here.

Me. I called you because I needed you.

But you know what? It's fine.

Because Danny held Mom's hand with me until I was ready to let it go.

Well, Danny's fucking around with that real estate agent, but I'm glad he was there.

I'm sorry.

I had to tell you.

What... wait a second.

Hey, baby. How's the concert?

Hey.

It's a girl.

Wh...

I'm sorry.

Justine, I'm sorry.


This one. Not this one!

Yeah, but you said you wanted to wear the...

No! Come on, Teddy, you said you wanted to wear the robot shirt.

I didn't. Yeah, you did.

You said you wanted to wear the robot shirt.

I don't... I really don't want to have this discussion right now.

No!

Hey, where's Danny?

I don't know. He's not here.

But I made him leave the car.

Come on, I got this.

Yeah, over here. Yeah, come here, honey.

He's right there. I know, I know.

Let's put on your shirt, okay? No.

Yeah. Come on, honey.

You love this shirt.

Okay. Use soft hands, please.

No, Mommy, no!

Please? Please? Yeah, no hitting.

Hey! No. Come on. Soft hands.

You know what?

I think you guys just need to go.

I just need some time to myself.

Hey, Teddy, you wanna take a chill pill, bro?

Chill pill, bro.

Yeah.

Trains Trains? You like trains?

Mm.

I'm a big fan of trains myself.

Don't ride backwards on a train though, okay?

Why?

It'll make you sick.

Do you ever get nauseous?

I don't know.

No?


Dude, he's a genius.

You've never met a three-year-old.

This is normal.

This is not normal.

How are all the museums closed today?

It's Monday. Everything's closed on Monday.

Museums, theaters, that amazing meatball place.

I gotta tape everything up.

Make sure he doesn't hurt himself.

Oh, that's great. I mean, for me.

You wouldn't believe what happened here last Friday.

This hooker hit a vein.

Teddy, do you want to go to the park?

No park!

I mean, it bled everywhere. Come on, buddy.

You want to stay in Hudson's apartment all day?

I have to go to the park.

Yeah, well, he's going to the park for a different reason than you're going to the park.

Yeah, but two birds, right?

One stone.

Hello? Yeah?

Where are you guys?

Dinner's almost ready.

We're in the city. At Hudson's place.

Hudson?

Hey, Jake's hot sister.

That dirtbag?

I can't believe you. Hudson says hello.

Hello?

Hello?

What does she look like now?

My sister?

My pregnant sister? She still hot?

Oh, you're a little crazy person, huh?

Mommy!

Baby!

Hi.

Hey.

Hey. Hi, Mama!

Hey, baby.

You told me to take him on a trip.

We're going home now.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

This is not an appropriate place for a child.

You're not an appropriate place for a child.

So should I follow you?

No, do not follow me.

Hey, uh, I'm out of clean sheets, but we're gonna make this work.

Most of our traders are in their 20s.

This work is gonna kick your ass.

I am used to having my ass kicked.

And the salary's...

It's awful.

I'm aware. It's okay.

Well, Rich Kaplan says you're good.

You probably are.

You play golf?

Yeah, a little bit. You play?

Yeah, all the time. I used to play in college.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't recommend it unless I believed in the product myself.

I'm telling you, Emmy and Morgan are gonna thank you, once they're old enough to talk.

All right.

Okay, I gotta go. Thanks, Howard, bye.

There was no receptionist so I just walked back here.

I noticed that.

You know this is my place of work, right?

You won't call me back. So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. Use your inside voice.

She won't see me.

I haven't hung out with Teddy in two days.

He had a doctor's visit the other day.

I didn't even know about it until the next day.

Whoa, what's wrong with him?

That croup-flu thing again.

Okay, well, what's his temperature?

I don't know. That's my point, man.

I mean, Teddy could be, like, counting to, like, 100 by now.

I seriously doubt that.

I'm writing him these little tiny postcards.

I don't know what else to do.

Sorry, all we have is the small ones.

He has his little swim class graduation next week.

What if they wear caps and I'm not there?

Fuck, man, it's not like I'm unhappy.

Okay, where are you living?

In that house I just finished.

On an air mattress. No sheets.

I don't know how the fuck you slept on that raft for three months.

You know what, man? Whatever. I deserve it.

Well, you can begin by going to Target.

Get the Martha Stewart sheets.

They're soft as fuck. I'm telling you.

Are you gonna help me?

Are you gonna use your inside voice?

Are you gonna help me?


Well, you are a totally uneventful pregnancy.

Very healthy.

Very boring.

See you next month.

We are getting a nice bump in our advanced risk investments.

I gotta say, Jake, I wasn't sure you were up for this.

But these are some animal numbers.

Yeah, bro, what's with the 5:00 A.M. clock-ins?

What are you? Part rooster?

I hear... Just heard, that he does like cock.

Oh, shit!

I'm just... don't, don't shoot the messenger.

Early bird gives the beej.

Ha. Cock. Awesome. Yes.

Uh, but like Phil was saying, we are seeing a ton of reward in our high-yield portfolio.

And... excuse me.

Sorry.

If we look towards the second quarter, we're gonna see some real big numbers if we just stay the course on, um...

I'm sorry. I just gotta quickly take this.

Excuse me.

Hey, is everything okay?

No! Hey!

No, Mommy, no!

Justine, it's your brother, Jake, hello?

Teddy. Teddy, we need you to put your trunks on.

You cannot be a naked boy in swim class.

I can be a naked boy.

Just one second.

Teddy. Teddy, we need to put your trunks on, okay?

Hey, where's my giraffe?

Honey.

Unky Jake, Unky Jake, Unky Jake!

Teddy, hey, can you please have soft...

Sorry, man. I've got a family emergency.

So I'll be back in a couple of hours tomorrow if it runs any longer, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just called you an animal. I never say that.

Right, and I'm gonna be back in that chair tomorrow, animal-ing it up.

Okay, so, you have a choice you have to make.

Either you're the guy who sits right back in the chair right now.

Or you're the guy who leaves work for his family.

Right.

Don't... don't give me that look.

This isn't Jerry Maguire, dude.

I won't fire you.

You can put up numbers.

But you know this is one of those decisions that will keep you right here.

In the middle.

Forever.

Fucking intense.

I'll be back bright and early, okay?

Like a rooster.

Cock, cock, man.

All right, Neal, what else do you got for us?

"There's a lot of reward in risk."

Yeah, I just heard Jake say that.

What else do you got, Neal? Jesus fucking Christ.

Right, well, I'm picking up where he left off.

Hurry up. The meter's running.

Let's go.

Schnell, schnell, come on. I'm coming.

Oh, my God.

Don't... Look, just let me talk.

You don't even have a bathing suit.

I have on boxer briefs. It's fine.

Not really.

I'll get out. No, we're coming in.

Daddy, I'm swimming!

Buddy, you are swimming.

And Mama, too. Honestly.

Oh, come on. We're getting out.

Oh, that is cold.

Danny, this is ridiculous.

Hey, ladies. Hi, hi.

I'm Teddy's daddy.

Hey, buddy. Come on.

What? Dude, why are you holding onto me?

I'm not entirely comfortable here.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, I'll hold him. You guys talk.

Go to Uncle Jakey, come on.

What are you doing? I need to talk to you.

Hey, buddy.

Look.

It was a one time thing.

Okay? That happened one-and-a-half times, okay?

Justine, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you know I am.

I don't know what I needed, but it wasn't that.

And I'll do anything.

I'll wake up every morning with Teddy until you forgive me.

I'll get up in the middle of the night with the baby until you forgive me.

I'll do whatever you need me to do.

But you've gotta let me come home.

So many visitors.

Teddy, do you think you're ready to try and jump in?

Oh, today? What? Wait.

No, he doesn't have to, if he's not ready.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy, you gotta jump in okay?

We gotta go under, okay? Watch Daddy.

Like this. Ready?

You do it.

Okay, we gotta go under.

We gotta show him. You gonna go under?

Yeah. Today's our last class.

I don't want to. She's right.

She's right. You gotta do it.

You know what? I'll stay up here, okay?

I'll stay up here in case he jumps in.

You hold onto Jake, and I'll hold onto you.

Nobody's gonna drown. Jesus. Drown?

What? Isn't that what you're worried about?

You know what? You're new to this class.

Why don't you just back off?

Hey, I'm not new to this class.

I been in this class a long time.

I'm gonna be in this class forever.

Okay. Hold onto me.

We're going under.

Okay? Teddy, look at Jakey and Mommy.

We're gonna go under. Okay?

You know I'm doing this just so you'll stop talking to me.

Great. I'll be right here.

One...

Two...

Three!

Come on, buddy.

Jump.


Hey. Hey.

I thought we were all getting pizza.

She's back at the house.

She's in labor. What?

What the fuck are you doing picking me up here?

Chill out, dude. She's in the first inning.

Got, like, hours to go.

Wanna blaze?

I'm just kidding.

We do have to pick up a pizza though.

She'll fucking kill me if I don't.

"And the owl baby took his new owl baby sister, "and together they flew down from the tree

"to their little red car.

"'Let's go fast, ' said the owl baby sister.

'Put on your seatbelt, ' said her owl baby brother."

Hi, guys.

I'm gonna go put your bag in the car.

Teddy, you wanna help Daddy?

No. It's okay.

We're here and we're reading about baby owls.

Okay.

Well, tell your brother to relax.

Kiss.

Okay.

Hey. How are you doing?

When was your last contraction?

20 minutes ago. Relax.

People should be moving at a different clip here.

Hey, Teddy, Mommy and Daddy are gonna go to the hospital for a little while, and you're gonna stay here with Unky Jake, okay?

What does that mean?

Donuts!

Cookies!

More than two shows!

Three shows!

Yeah.

Who stayed with you when I was born?

I have no idea.

Justine, your fort-building skills are very structurally unsound.

I'm in labor.

Honestly, I'd put more sconces in here.

Noted.

"I am a frog. My name is Anton..."

Oh, God, I hate this story.

Can we change it?

I'm the guest.

No, you're not.

"...lived a family of three bears.

"The first was a great big bear.

"The second was a middling-sized bear.

"And the third was a little teeny-tiny bear.

"And they all lived together, in a fine little house.

And very happy they were."