Albert (2016) Script

[mellow, upbeat music]


[humming "O Christmas Tree"]


[playful music]


[leaves rustle]

[bamboo clatters softly]


[slurping sound]


[insect buzzing]


All right.

The coast is officially clear.


This girl's got some roots to stretch!


Get some water, get some fertilizer.

Now's your chance, folks!


[smack, smack]

Aah! Whoa! Oof!

Larry? Larry?

Has anyone seen my pet ladybug?



Guys, guys! I've grown a flower.

Whoa! Ooh!

That's just glued on.

You can't glue on a flower.

You can glue everything.

Look! I glued eyes to my butt.


Everyone stay close to your pot spots!

Don't wander too far.

Too late, Boo! Ha ha ha! Tag! You're it!

[yawns] Can't a bonsai get some sleep around here?

Can't catch me!

Whoa! Whoa! Oof!




Hey! Go back to your side!

Can we share it?

Whoa! Oh!

[comical notes]

[sadly] Oh... I knew it.

Look! Winter's coming! Herman lost another leaf.

[gasps] That means it's almost Christmas!

Shh! Don't say--

Um, did somebody say Christmas?!

Ah, yes! Sing for us, Albert!

Me? Sing?

Oh, I don't know if I can...

[chanting] Albert! Albert!

Albert! Albert! Albert! Ha ha, come on, Albert.

Who's ready to get their jingle on?

[all cheering] Sing it, Albert!

I'm ready! I'm ready! JINGLE ME!

Ahhh, here we go...

* I admit that when it comes to Christmas *

* I can get a little extreme

* It's been a year of waiting, so I'll start decorating *

* The morning after Halloween *

* Bring on the red and green

* Come on, sing those carols and chime those chimes *

* I'm ready, so let's do this *

* Trim the trees, let's start with me *

* For the Christmassy-est Christmas *

* So come on, everyone, let's get our jingle on *

* And cover every square inch with lights *

* Hang all the bling we've got *

Right there. Ooh, you missed a spot.

And turn up the "Silent Nights"!

That's not too much, right? Ha ha ha ha!

* Ring those bells and light those lights *

* I'm ready, so let's do this *

* If it's up to me, this one will be *

* The Christmassy-est all: * Christmassy-est

* Christmassy-est

[off-key] * Christmas!

[music winds down, stops]

Nailed it.

Eeew, Lola's got a weed!


She's got a weed. Maybe I've got a flower.

Ever think of that? Weedist.



Ooh! Eew!

Ugh! Try cleaning your butt yard once in a while, Gramps.

Off my lawn!

Owww! Oh! Get outta here, jerkweed!

The name is Geeeen--


Be nice. It's Christmastime!

Goodwill towards all, remember?

So warm and moist. Ahh...


Uh, 'scuse me, guys, I don't wanna disturb you or anything, but there's fresh Christmas trees on the lot!

Oh! Ah!

Get outta my way! I wanna take a gander!

Calm down. Come on. Everybody'll get to see 'em.

Check out that bark! Oh ho ho ho ho!

Check out those stems! It's me and the spirit!

Hubba-hubba! They're big!

That's some serious plants! [plants murmuring]

Hey. Why are you so blue Christmas?

[sighs] Those trees outside-- someone's gonna take them home, make 'em all twinkly and shiny.

And right on top will go a big, bright star.

[sighs] Why not me?

Uh, guys, I don't wanna alarm you or anything, but Earth Mama's comin' back!

[commotion] Get back to your pot spots-- pronto! [grunts] Ohh!

[light, suspenseful music]

How did you get down here and all gussied up?

[gasps] Is that your Christmas tree, Grandma?

This pipsqueak? Ha ha ha!

He's not ready yet.

Ya got the delivery for Baker's Hill, Ma?

It's in the back. We just need to load the truck.

Sweetie, do Grandma a favor and take off all those ornaments.

[mellow music]


Lots of people think I'm a pipsqueak too.



But my dad always says it's okay to be small, as long as it doesn't stop you from doing big things.

[door thuds closed] And she's gone!

Aah! I'm so glad she plugged you in!

Oh, you look so nice all plugged in!

I do, don't I? [laughs]



Aw, no.


Delicious bamboo... [panda crunching] is the panda's favorite food.

Aah! Turn it off, turn it off!


[jazzy, seductive music]



Not in front of the children!

Aw, man!

So the search is on for the world-famous Empire City Christmas tree.

I'm here with tree expert Horton Farber.

Now, professor... [thump] what makes the perfect Christmas tree?

Ha ha. Right. Robust branches are a must for any Christmas tree, the better to hold those ornaments and lights.

Some delight at the aroma of a tree, or "nature's perfume"...

[inhales] As I like to call it.

But the truly perfect Empire City Tree that captures our hearts and imaginations, it radiates all the beauty and wonder and joy that--

[voice breaks, sobs] I'm sorry.

That is Christmas.

[uplifting music]

[gasps] Albert! Everything he said-- that's you!

[gasps] I can be that tree!

Yes! [overlapping encouragement]

Ha ha ha! You? Why not me?

Tomorrow, I'll be joining Professor Farber at Baker's Hill, Vermont, where he will select this year's Empire City Tree.

All right, plants! Baker's Hill!

We need coordinates!

We're here, and Baker's Hill is there.

I'd say it's about 3 inches.

[gasps] That's so close!

Ugh. What are they putting in your mulch?

Wait, now hold on, hold on, hold on.

You're leaving us, Albert?

[plants murmur]

Albert, we--we love you.

[cacti whimpering, sobbing]

I will never forget you guys.

Again, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Albert, your ride's leavin'!

[gasps] You'll be sorry!

No. I'll be a Christmas tree!

[laughs] all: Go, go, go!

No, no, no!

What the dingus is goin' on here?

[plants gasp]



[lightly suspenseful music]

Go, Albert. Follow your dreams!

Ha ha ha ha!


It's gonna be a very peaceful Christmas this year.

[squish] Ooh!


[cacti giggling]

[exciting music]



Albert! [gasps]



[exciting music]


[grunts] Whoo-hoo!


Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-- Whoa--oh-oh-oh!

No, no, no! Oh, my lights!

I can't be the Empire City Tree without my lights!

Yaaaah! Oof!

One more stop at Baker's Hill and then...

Empire City! And then... both: The greatest Christmas Tree in the world!

Whoa! So this is outside.

Yeah, brutal, ugly, and cold.

Brrr... [soft crying]

Do you hear that?

It's like someone's crying.

[crying continues]

We're being transplanted!

[laughs] Aww! Aren't they cute?

[all crying]

Can I tell you a secret?

I'm on my way to a new place too.

You think I'm scared?

I am.

You are?

Yeah, even a big tree like me.

Sometimes we all feel small.

But that's okay, as long as it doesn't stop you from doing big things.


[bang] all: Whoa!


[suspenseful music]


[rapid hopping thuds]

Uh, Dad, what's Grandma's little tree doing on the truck?

You're seeing things, honey.

Not things. Grandma's tree!


[brakes squeak] [clattering]

Uh-oh! Oh, bite my bark.

[suspenseful music]


[dramatic musical buildup]

Holy Blitzen!

Coulda sworn I covered those up.

The tree was here.

I saw it!

Maybe you're just hungry, sweetie.

Let's get some lunch!

I see things when I'm hungry, too.

One time, I saw a giant fried chicken.

Whoo! That was close.

I think I wet my soil.

[muffled] Help!


[louder] Help!

Help! Talking snow!

Whoa! The outside is a strange and mysterious place.

[groans] Ugh!

Someone's underneath!



Cold, cold, cold!

[gasping breath]



Sweet relief!

I got snow in places no cactus should have snow!

Hey, are you okay, mister? Mister?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like you don't know who I am.

I love it, the whole not recognizing me thing.

Hello! Cactus Pete!

* Come on down to Cactus Pete's *

* We'll show you

* A prickly good

[off-key] * Time

[gasps] You're on a sign!

A sign? How 'bout plates!

Cups, napkins--the menu!

How 'bout the toilet paper?


His real name's Roy.

He changed it after he got the job.



What were you doing in the snow?

It's a brutal and sadistic tale.

[festive Latin music] 11 months outta the year, I'm the hottest tamale in town.

[singer whooping]


[somber music]

But as soon as Christmas blows in like a bad smell...

[brakes screech]

They toss me out like trash just so this pretty boy can take my special spot!


[quietly] I hate you.

[sighs] Check out those lights.

That tree has nothing on you, Albert.

[tense music]

[chuckling] Well... aren't you mister shiny and twinkly?

Albert's gonna be the Empire City Christmas Tree.

Maybe you've heard of it.

Well, you don't say?

The most famous Christmas Tree in the whole dang universe.

Guys, we should roll.

Well, not the universe, not the whole thing.

[chuckles] Just the world.

Oh, don't be modest, Albert.

Yeah, don't be modest, Al.

You're the Empire City Christmas Tree, Al.

Everyone loves you, Al!

Oh ho ho ho, that's because the truly perfect Christmas tree, like moi, radiates the--


I know all about Christmas trees, jocko!

[mocking] "We need room for our precious trees.

Let's throw the cactus outside. It won't mind."

Well, I do mind!

I mind a great deal!

[nervous laugh] We should go.

Sharpen your needles, boys!

It's time to show our friends a prickly good time.

Ooh, whatever you say, Roy.

[blows] [groaning]



Destroy that tree!

[cacti grunting]

Albert: Aaaah!

[dramatic music]


[thump] [base scraping]

[inhales] Aah!

You gotta shoot back. Gene's right.

Make us fly, Maisie.

Not what I meant!

Albert: Aaaahhh!

[thump] [thud, sizzle]




Head for the truck!



Aah! Aah--ooh-ooh-wah-oh!

[dramatic music]


[gasps] Aah!

[grunts] Run!


Albert! Behind you!

Yah, yah!


Wow. Dang.



[ice cracking] Ha ha ha ha!

Now, that was a prickly good time!


* O, Christmas tree

* O, Christmas tree

* How heavenly are thy branches *

Leave Albert al--

Hah. That's the best you got?

Aah! [crash]

Maisie! Ha ha.

How's it feel... knowing there ain't gonna be no stinking Empire City Tree this year?

Let me get back to you on that.

Man, I hate Christmas.


[groans] Ohh...

Yes! [truck engine turns]

Next stop, Baker's Hill!

Ha ha ha!

Wait, no! No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait for us! [panting]

No! No...

[somber music]

I'll get us a new ride faster than you can say

"Every wish comes true if the wisher who wishes it wishes hard enough!"

Where'd you dig her up?

Come on, let's go back to that cozy, wozy wonderful store.

You're a quitter.

I'm a realist, pal.

Even if she does find us a truck, which she won't, what are the chances it's gonna take us to Baker's--

[engine turns]

Yoo-hoo! Baker's Hill anyone?!

Maisie, ha ha ha, you're amazing!


I'm the best, I'm the best!

Aw, yeah!

I'm the best! Ooh-ooh!

I found a truck! Ooh, yeah! Let's go!

[ominous Latin music]


[soft music]

Oh, boy! This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

Can you feel it, Albert?

Whoa! [chuckles]

There are stars in the sky and snow on the ground.

It's everything Christmas should be.

[sighs] But something's still missing.

It's me!

[upbeat music]

* Bows top presents perfectly *

* Snow's like frosting on a tree *

* The stockings and the sleigh bells *

* Are a lovely touch

* But there's room for improvement in everything *

* And Christmas is missing a certain zing! *

* It's a matter of time until I get to shine *

* And then everyone will see

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* Is me What about Santa?

Yeah, he's pretty great.

And the nine flying reindeer?

Uh, there were only eight.

* When it comes to Christmas *

* You can't have too

* Much both: * There's more to be merry and sing about *

* The timing is right, and the moment's now *

* The star of the evening might not be the star *

But, actually, the tree!

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* The best thing that can happen to Christmas *

* Is meeeee Yaahhh! [whack]

Ha ha ha! The best thing that could happen to Christmas is me... beating the sap out of the shiniest, twinkliest, Christmas tree in the world!

Whoa! What's happening?

[tense music]

[Cactus Pete groans]

"Bakers Hill.

Paper--Paper Mill?"

[all exclaiming]

Aah! Aah!

[buzzer blaring]


I don't wanna die in screaming agony!


Hold on to something big!

At least we got rid of Cactus Pete!

Think again!

Ha ha!


[bang, crunch]


Hang on, I'm comin'!

[banging, crunching] Oh!

Wrong again. You're goin'!


Ha ha!

Oh, boy.


[dramatic music]


Pete, I know a way out.

But I need your help.

What's your plan?

Gene can flip the switch!


This is not a plan.


[intense music]

Hurry up, Gene! Hurry!

[grunts] It's stuck!


I'm sorry, Maisie!

I'm sorry!

At least I'll take you down with--


[buzzer blaring]

[dramatic musical buildup]


[wood cracking, crunching]


Albert! Maisie!


Aah-- [thud]

[panting] Finally!

[dark music]


[hinges creak]


[dramatic musical flourish]


Let the auditions begin!


This could work.

We can't have Christmas without a tree.

Bring it, Boo!

* If it's up to me, this one will be *

[straining] * The Christmassy-est--

Oh! [music stops]

[sighs] Oh. Next!

["Deck the Halls" plays]

[boing] Next!

[rapid notes]

[gagging, choking]


["O Christmas Tree" on organ] Ho...ho...ho.

[music winds down] all: We miss Albert.


[eerie music]

[wood creaking]

[wind howling]

Whoa! I didn't know trees grew so tall!

Hello? Hello!

Does anybody know how to get to Baker's Hill?


Maybe they're too tall to hear.

Maybe you're too short to be heard.

[snow crunches]

A bunny! Aw!

I don't like the way she's lookin' at me.

Gene, only you could be paranoid about a bunny.

Yeah. She's such a honey bunny!


The cutest wittle fuzzy muffin in the world!

[chomp] Aah!

Hey, stop! [growling]

[eerie stinger notes]

Ouch! [growls]

You want a piece of me?


He already got a piece a' you.

It's the piece a' me I'm worried about.

What's his problem?

[snarls] Aah!

[ominous chords]

Another one?

How many are there?

You don't wanna know.

[dramatic musical sting]

[overlapping whimpers, cries]

[rabbits growling]


Hop, hop, hop!

Ah...I'm getting sleigh sick!

* both: Uh-oh.




[overlapping yelling]

[dramatic music]

[rabbits snarling]

Oh, this is how it ends.

[intense musical buildup]

[ice squeaking]

Ha ha ha! Yes!

Vegetables--one. Bunnies--nothing.

[ice squeaking]

[helicopter blades thrumming]

[uplifting music]


[both panting]

Baker's Hill!

We made it!

Well, tweeze my roots!

Whoo-hoo! [laughing]

How do ya feel now, Mr. Grumpy Pants?

You're sharing a pot with the next Empire City Christmas Tree!

[crack, clatter]

Oh, my last one!

I can't go out there without my ornaments!

Oh, don't worry.

We're gonna get ya all holly jolly.

Aren't you gonna help?

Why bother?

Gene, this is my chance to be a real Christmas tree.

Albert, you don't need any of that shiny, twinkly stuff to be a Christmas tree.

You shared your pot with me when no one else would.

You treated me like a friend and not some filthy weed.

If that's not what Christmas is all about, then I don't know what is!

Thanks, guys. If anyone says you're not Christmassy enough, send them to me.

Break a branch!

And not literally!

Just an expression!

[inspiring music]

Trunk in.

Branches out.

Be...the tree!

[whimsical music]


Oh! This is it!

We found our tree, everyone!


[music goes off-key, stops]

Christmas tree! Over here, please!

Christmas tree! Please!

I'm the one.

I'm...the one.

It's a Christmas miracle, everyone.

We have found the glorious Empire City Tree!

[soft music]


[wind howls]

You'll be the Empire City Tree next year, Albert.

You'll see.

[trees laughing]

The runt wants to be the Empire City Tree!


That's precious!

I mean, right?

I mean, tell me, am I'm wrong?

Hear that, Betty? Shrimpo wants your job.

Ha ha ha ha ho!

Look at you!

Oh, I've got pine cones bigger than you, little sprout.

I'm not a sprout.

I'm just short.

[soft music]


Leave me alone!


Albert! Ah-choo!

Albert! Ah-choo!


Oh, there you are.

All my life, I dreamed about being a Christmas tree.

Forget those jerkweeds.

They don't know their butts from their branches.

Come on, let's go home.

No way. Everyone at the nursery is just gonna laugh at me.

Ah ha ha!

What's funny is that you actually had me fooled.

I really thought you were the famous tree!

But hey, I gotta thank ya, Al.

Because of you, I found the real Empire City Tree.

* O, Christmas Tree

* O, Christmas Tree

* Your flames will shine so *

[laughing] * Brightly Ha ha ha ha ha ha!



He's gonna destroy the Empire City Tree.

And it's all my fault.

Don't blame yourself, Albert.

It's her fault too.

Yeah! Feel better now?

How did Pete survive the Mill?

He's unstoppable.

[throttle up humming]

No, he's not.


Ah, yeah!

[epic music]

[funky upbeat music]


[cars whooshing] [horns honking]

Yikes! Where are we?

Leave it to me.

Ah-choo! [shivering]

Are you all right?

Why wouldn't I be?


[weed humming "Deck the Halls"]

Watch this.

Yo, buddy, can you help out a fellow weed?

A weed in need?

Yes, indeed.

We gotta get to Empire City Square!

Hey, SCUZZ! We got a weed in need here!

Harry! Let's get these newbies to the square ASAP!

Yo, take it down a notch.

See, everyone else treats weeds like dirt.

So we help each other.

It's the weed creed.

How can you grow in a crack?

Hey, babe, it's just a crack. But it's my crack, all right?

It's a crack.

Hey, we got your route!

[energetic rhythm]

This way. Let's go!


[whistles] Right here!





[funky upbeat music continues]


[whack] [yipping]

["Joy to the World" plays]


We're here in Empire City for the lighting of the world's most famous Christmas tree.

Professor Horton, what can you tell us about this year's tree?

Oh, that trunk!

Those branches! Is that Albert?

Yeah, if he's been scarfing a buttload of fertilizer.

You mean, they didn't pick him?

Well, I would have picked him!

What's wrong with them? He was perfect!

Hey, down in front!

Cactus Pete!

[dark notes]


Save...the... ah...ah... ah-choo!

Maisie? Maisie! [echoing]



You're freezing.

We gotta warm her up.

[light music]


I know you. You're from Grandma's nursery.

A tree like you shouldn't be out in the cold.

Dad! Dad! The palm tree from Grandma's store.

You gotta see this!

Someone's pulling a fast one.

[suspenseful music]


[pot thunking along ground]

Well, if it isn't my old pal Al, the little tree that couldn't.


Look at yourself!


I may never be a Christmas tree, but I am not letting you ruin Christmas.

Oh ho ho ho! Sassy words, amigo.

Oh, sometimes I'm so bad.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to get a little festive.

I call it "The Empire City Christmas Tree Lighting... with extra picante."

[tense music]





[intense musical buildup]




[crash, shatter]


[ominous chords]

["Deck the Halls" plays]


I saved the tree.

Not yet. Look, a falling star.


[crowd gasps]

[crowd commotion]

[ominous music]

[crowd murmuring]

[winch squeaks]




I'm--I'm--I'm bald!

[crowd murmurs]


My dad always says it's okay to be small as long as it doesn't stop you from doing big things.

[soft music]


[uplifting music]


[grunts] Uhh!


Folks, the Christmas star has sliced off the top of this beautiful tree.

Sliced it like a knife through a holiday cheese log.

You don't have to be a scientist to know that a Christmas tree without a star is...

[sniffs] not a Christmas...


[light music]


Are you okay?

Yes! Someone get me a pot, a shovel, and ornaments. Quick!

You heard the professor.

And while you're at it, get rid of this ugly cactus.

[groans] Oh...

I don't know how you got here, my little friend, but thank Christmas you made it.

[heroic music]


Daddy! That's him! Grandma's tree!

I told you I saw him!

Jiminy Christmas!

[intense music]

[cheers and applause]


[laughs] It's like my dream had a dream, and that dream came true!


[crowd commotion]

You can do it...

C'mon, little guy...

Be strong.

Be...the tree.


[crowd roars]

[epic, sweeping music]


Hooray! I'm a genius!

Go, little tree!


[overlapping chatter, shouting]


* Ring those bells and light those lights *

* I'm ready, so let's do this

* If it's up to me, this one will be *

* The Christmassy--

Are you gonna sing that all night?

I might! [Betty chuckles]

I figured!

Back home, my friends can't get enough of it.

[soft music]


[sighs] Good-bye, Albert.



Oh... oh--uhh!


[melancholy music]

Ah, you've gotta be kidding me.


Maisie! Wait! I need a favor!

* Come on down to Cactus Pete's *

* I'll show you a prickly

* Good time...


[whimsical music]


Thanks, guys!

Ugh. You won, okay?

Just let me be. Go spread joy to the world or some reindeer-poop like that.

You don't really hate Christmas, Pete.

Oh, stop.

What you hate is being left out.

I know how it feels.


You're talkin' nonsense.

We're not so different, you and me.

We both have needles, but... no one hangs ornaments on yours.

And that stinks.


I always wondered what it would be like, bein' all shiny and twinkly and feeling the warmth of those lights and...making everyone feel merry!




Listen, I'm, uh...

I'm sorry. For everything I did to you.

[sighs] I've been nothin' but naughty this year.

It's not too late to do nice.


Hey, look at me!

I'm Mr. Shiny McTwinkly!

Ooh, sorry about the buzz cut, ma'am.

Don't mention it.


Ha ha ha! I'm prickly!

I'm prickly, and it's okay!

How long are we gonna give him?

As long as he wants. Wait, what?

After all you put me through? You're just walking away?

No. I'm going home.

I got some friends who need a Christmas Tree.

[pensive music]


* O, Christmas Pete

* O, Christmas Pete

* How heavenly are thy

* Needles!

Yeah, that's the stuff!

["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays]

Maisie looked that bunny square in the eyes and said--

You want a piece of me?!


Right, that's telling 'em!

What about green Gene, here?

Ah, you wouldn't believe it.

Gene knew every weed in Empire City!

Every weed! Wow!

Gene's a bad dude.

[chuckles] What can I say?

I get around.

I hate to alarm y'all again, but Earth Mama's on the move! Hurry!

You wanna do what?

But we've got presents to open!

Just one second.

What is it with her and that tree?

I don't know how you did it, little tree, but I'm glad you're back.

Here, I made something for ya.

I'm sure I'll be seeing you around.

I always do. [giggles]

[light music]

I love sappy endings.

Yeah, me too!

Weed! You can call me SCUZZ.

Merry Christmas! Aah!

How's it hanging, fun stuff?

Watch your mouth, little weed boy.

[slurping] Ohhh...


I think I found my soilmate. Mwah.

Oh, no...

Oh, yeah, we invited some friends over for Christmas.

Come on, guys! Mingle, dance around.

This is a party! Let's party!

[all whooping]

Who's ready to get their jingle on?

Ha ha ha!