Ali G Indahouse (2002) Script

[ Siren blaring, tires screeching ]

[ Helicopter flying by ]

[ Man on radio ] Go ahead and disregard the chase. We got him.

That, uh-- [ Indistinct ]

[ Man ] You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.

* [ Rap ] [ Radio, indistinct ]

*I'm Coming Straight Out of compton *

*When Something Happens In south central Los Angeles nothing happens *

*It's Just Another Nigger Dead, dead, dead *

*Straight Out Of Compton

*Crazy Motherfucker Name ice cube *

*From The Gang Called Niggers with attitude *

*Ak-47 Is The Tool

*Don't Make Me Out The motherfucking fool *

*As I Leave Believe I'm scarred, baby *

*When I Come Back, Boys I'm coming straight out of compton, compton, compton *

[ Speaking spanish ]

My friend said he saw you with ramon comacho. Shut up, ho! It ain't true, ricco.

It's time to teach both of you a lesson.

I wouldn't do that if I was you. [ Squeaking ]

You better step back,ese, unless you want me to bust a cap in your ass.

This is my 'hood. And these girls belong to me.

Belong? That is a very sexist way to talk about these bitches.

[ Speaking spanish ]

Bonjour. Je m'appelle ali.

J'habitein staines.

[ Hawking ]

You made me use me last tissue.

Me ain't got another one now.

[ Speaking spanish ]

You what? Speak to the hand, 'cause the face, it ain't listening.

[ Speaking spanish ]

[ Yells ] [ Yells ]

Sorry.

No!


[ Speaking spanish ]

REMEMBER: Life is the most precious gift that jah has given us.

[ Guns cocking ]

[ Imitating machine gun ]

[ All laughing ]

[ Yelling ]

Unlucky.

Mm, you saved us. I justreally want to thank you.

Mm. [ Zipper unzipping ]

I'ah, dios mio! That's gonna need the two of us.

Mmm. Here. Let me help you with that.

*Boy, I'm Gonna Make you love me make you want me *

*And I'm Gonna Give You Some attention * Mm, that's nice.

* [ Continues ] That's very nice. Oh, yes, please.

Mmm. Thank you very much.

Oh, that's good, babe. [ Chuckles ] oh, 2 pac, no! [ Licking ]

[ Dog whimpers ] Whatever.

[ Rapid licking ] oh, yeah, baby. Play with the balls. [ Rapid licking ]

Oh, good dog. [ Knocking on door ]

[ Woman ] Ali, are you awake? For real.

Ally pally, do you know how very late it is?

And you're still in bed all asleep. sorry, nana. *It's Nice To Get Up In the morning *

[ Growling ] Get off.

*Four Or Five Or Six O'clock In the good old summertime * [ Growling ]

*But When The Winter Comes And it's snowing out * [ Growling continues ]

*It's Nice To Get Up In the morning *

[ Growling stops ] *But Better To stay in bed *

[ Whimpers ] ah, that's better.

Ally pally, it's not nice to play with yourpupik when nana's in the room. come on. You're teaching your class today. oh, wicked.

Out of bed, choppy-chop.

*Wicked, Wicked *Junglist Massive

*Wicked, Wicked *Junglist Massive

*Wicked, Wicked *Junglist Massive

*Wicked Original * [ Reggae ]

*Booyaka, Booyaka * [ Reggae Continues ]

*Booyaka, Booyaka Booyaka, booyaka *

*Booyaka, Booyaka

* [ Reggae Continues ]

[ No dialogue ]

* [ Fading ] yo, yo. A'ight. A'ight. A'ight. [ Belches ]

Respect. So, what's goin' down in staines town, my nigga?

Yo, nigga, we just be cold chillin', kicking back, suckin' on some gin and juice, laid back. Laid back?

All right. For real.

Jezzy, is you wearing green?

I knew it. You is defecting to the iver heath posse, isn't it?

Come on, let's stab him. Hold on, wait!

Me mum put me yellow top in the wash with my brother's blue football socks, even though they ain't colorfast.

All right, but you tell that slag that in the ghetto...

Washing non-colorfast synthetics at 60 degrees could cost you your life.

Will you boys move? I've told you before. It's a fire risk.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, my brother. What's the problem? Huh?

We just four brothers chillin' out on the sidewalk, maxin', relaxin'.

It ain't too taxin'. Boof. Move!

Okay. Yeah. We'll just sit on the bench. Yes.

* [ Rap ]

De east staines massiv.

Well, if it ain't the west staines massiv outside their precious center.

[ All ] Booyakasha!

[ All ] Wikity-waketysha! Boo!

Eastside is the best. Shhhh.

Westside is the best. [ Squeaks ] eastside is the best. westside is the best. westside is the best. eastside is the best.

[ Laughing ] shit. I meant westside is the best.

Anyways, you is on our turf.

Once you past the bumblebees day nursery, just before you get to the mini-roundabout-- you know, on elmsleigh gardens-- then you is in the westside, oh, yeah? We don't care.

Your mama is so fat...

That when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo, people walk by and say, "look at that hippopotamus."

That ain't fair. It's glandular.

Let's leave these batty boys behind. Hey, your mama don't think so.

* [ Hip-hop ]

slow down! [ Tires screeching ]

[ Horn beeps ]

Stop! eastside! what a flippin' loon. He's gonna get himself killed.

Hey, yo, yo, g. It's the lapd, man.

Yeah? And?

[ Laughs ] Oh, man! You are one bad mofo, man.

*I Is Feelin' It You rockin' it * *I'm Feelin' It

*I'm Checkin' It *I'm Doin' It

*I'm Feelin' It *I'm Kissin' It

*I'm Checkin' It *Nice

* [ Rap Beat ] *Wicked

*Wicked *Follow Me

*Wicked Now, Wicked Now Wicked *

*Me Got The Chicken Me like the chicken *

*Me Got The Chicken Wicked A rockin' and a flickin' *

*We Got With The [ Scatting ]

*A To The L To the I to the g *

*Ali G That's me, that's me *

*A To The L To the I to the g *

*That's G That's me, that's me *

*R To The I To The C To the k to the y *

*That's Ricky C Ricky c to the c to the c *

*Ricky C, Ricky-- Oh, wait a sec. I's gonna be late for me class. Let's go.

[ Ali g ] Crack cocaine is destroying our community.

So when a brother makes it through, they deserve our respect.

So let's big it up for darren, who's been clean and off the crack now for eight years. eight and three-quarter years. whatever.

Me don't want to say this, but most of you ain't never gonna see 11.

Booka! Drive-bys.

[ Sobbing ] Look, he's crying. Homo, homo.

Hey! We'll have none of that language here. the word is "batty boy." batty boy!

Batty boy! Better! Now, everybody up.

'Cause it's time to give out this week's badges.

First, big it up for me main man andy...

Who has finally got his hot-wiring badge...

And his advanced swearing badge. Shit off, you hairy dog's cock.

Respect. And since you is got your fifth badge, you has also earned your second slit.

Hopefully one day, you'll get to be tyrone's level.

Tryrone, if you's get any better, we is gonna have to start doing your pubes, a'ight?

I don't have any.

Well, I have got millions.

Now, remember, without realness, we is nothing.

So, posse, keep it real.

[ All ] Keep it real! Keep it real!

Now on the streets, you is gotta know that your homey...

Will take a cap in his ass for you.

So let's start with a very basic trust exercise.

One, two, three. ali, can I have a word? sure.

It's about the center.

Now I know how much these classes mean to you... and how much the kids enjoy them. [ Groans ]

But I'm afraid the government is withdrawing our funding.

They're closing down the john nike leisure center.

You what?

How is these kids gonna make it out of the ghetto now?

They'll have to go somewhere else. Somewhere else?

Do you know what this center means to them? And to me?

This is the spiritual home of the west staines massiv.

This is like what mecca is to the jews.

It's like what Kentucky is to chickens.

And it was here where me first felt me julie's... [ Whistles ]

Ali, there's nothing you can do.

Now, you better go and tell the kids.


I ain't never gonna let them close us down.

Keep it real. Yeah?

[ Thud ] [ Groans ]

[ Woman ] Dinner with the belgian prime minister at 8:00.

Nato briefing in half an hour.

And the deputy prime minister urgently wishes to speak to you.

Has he heard the poll results yet? Excuse me. I wish I hadn't.

Gallup's putting us 22 points behind.

What about mori? Twenty-three points behind.

The youth vote's deserting us in droves.

All our focus groups suggest we're out of touch. Maybe we are. I know I am.

Don't be ridiculous. Are we gonna lose this by-election, david?

No chance. We haven't lost staines in 20 years, and we're not about to start now.

We just have an image problem.

We have to find a candidate who will improve that image.

Somebody young.

Somebody ethnic. Somebody in touch.

Exactly, prime minister. You're absolutely right, david.

What we got to find is an outstanding candidate...

Who's intellectually superior, who can guarantee us victory.

Easy now, Mrs. Hugh. Booyakasha.

Is me julie about? Safe. She's upstairs.

Hello, baby. I's been missing you so much today.

You is looking so fine. all I want to do is pull your panties down-- ali?

Oh, hello, me julie.

Stop feeling up nina and get in here.

Sorry. I got confused. Strange how you never get confused with tracy, isn't it? hello, ali. hello.

You know you's me only bitch-- ho.

Lady? When me close me eyes, you's the only girl me ever think about.

* [ Hip-hop ]

* [ Ends ] Ali, open your eyes.

Sorry. There was something in them.

Because there's these fleas that is going around.

And two of them, and they're coming.

They're coming in again. They're in me eyes.

* [ Hip-hop Resumes ] [ Whip cracks ]

Ali g, you've been a very bad boy and you need to be punished. are you a bad boy? yes, I am.

My skin is so dry. So for being a bad boy, I want you to rub oil into me.

Paying special attention to my breasts and my batty crease.

Okay. I will do that.

But first, I want you to take your hat off, you naughty, naughty boy.

But me never take me hat off. You take that off, and I'll take these off. okay.

Now I'm going to milk you. [ Julie's voice ] Ali.

Give me one more sec. behave, alistair. j.lo, they is closing down the center.

So I was gonna go on a hunger strike until they save it.

Or until I die. So just in case I do join...

Tupac and biggie in dat ghetto in the sky, I's come here to bone you one last time.

I think Mr. Johnson might have something to say about that. can I watch? I ain't got no problem with that. Has you?

Ali. Don't do nothing stupid, all right?

Hear me now. She ain't really me julie.

Obviously, in real life, I's going out with someone much fitter.

But they do that to make me more accessible.

Which means that you girls out there will think that I will knob you, even if you was a minger.

Okay, you got ten seconds till you start, mac daddy.

[ Muffled ] More, more! More!

Okay, and go!

Mr. G, why are you on hunger strike?

[ Muffled ] In the struggle for--

in the struggle for justice, I's willing to lay down me life.

Just like martin luther... Vandross did.

This is local party chairman, alan swan.

He's been putting together a list of names for the by-election.

This is a great honor. I've always, um, been a particular admirer-- the names, swan. right. Uh, well, uh, there are, um-- there are three really outstanding candidates that match all your criteria.

Top of the list is andrew hamilton. PHD., political science, studied PP. At oxford, gained a starred first.

Have you tried these new chicken dippers? They're quite good, aren't they?

Oh, yeah, they're really good. What sauce are you going for?

Ooh. Uh, I think it's barbecue.

[ Yelling ]

I can't take it. I can't take it.

[ Yelling ]

Chicken dippers!

good. We can go home now. ah, nips.

I'll get the keys, yeah?

Starting again from... Now!

* [ Rap ]

No.

Well, what has we got here then?

I's doin' a serious protest, if you don't mind.

Well, in that case, we'll leave you to it.

Oh, thanks.

There was just one thing, though.

[ All laughing ] * [ Rap ]

*And Y'all Gonna See That the hottest nigger out there *

*Was, Is, Will Be Me

*Just Like That I can go away for a minute do some other shit *

*But Bounce Right Back [ Groans ]

Grow, biggy, grow. I just gotta get a semi-lob on.

Jennifer lopez. Jennifer lopez.

Jennifer lopez lezzing off with the one from destiny's child with the big thighs.

[ Giggles ]

Look here now! Look here now!

Look at my massive beast. [ All screaming ]

You filthy animal!

Oh, shep, this rail is very dirty.

It's going to need a lot of polishing.

[ Moaning ]

PHD. In economics, three years at harvard, age 34-- swan, is there any reason why there should be an absurdly dressed, half-naked man chained to a fence...

Being tossed off by an old blind council worker?

[ Moaning ] ignore him.

It's the local idiot making some pathetic protest.

Have him unchained and bring him in here.

But I'm trying to go through the whole-- bring him in, swan.

Straight ahead at the top of the stairs.

*Freak Me, Baby *Yeah, Just Like That

*Freak Me, Baby *Come On, Come On

*Freak Me, Baby

*Let Me Lick You Up and down *

*Till You Say Stop

*Let Me Play With your body, baby *

*Make You Feel Hot

[ Off-key ] *Let Me Do All The Things

*You Want Me To Do

*'Cause Tonight, Baby

*I Wanna Get Freaky with you *

I'm kate hedges, the deputy prime minister's private secretary.

Please, come in. And, uh, you can pull your pants up now.

Hello. I'm david carlton, the chancellor of the exchequer and the deputy prime minister.

*Hello, I's Ali G The dominatin' MC. *

*Makin' Bitches Touch Their punani *

*The Number After Two It be * Three.

*No Ali A, No Ali B No ali c, no ali d *

*No Ali--

*E

*No Ali--

Uh...

*F But ali * G.

Po! Your rhymes is tight for a honky. Yes, sir. that's his full name and address. tell me, ali, do you have a job? unfortunately, I's recently gone on the dole. really? When? eight years and three months ago.

It says here you claim disability benefit. Are you-- yes, I is actually spasticated.

I's got a terrible dj-ing injury.

Me still ain't got full mobility on me main mixing finger.

[ Scratching ] Ow!

Everything down there is still working.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Ali, um, would you sit down?

Um, please, sit down.

Have you ever considered becoming a member of parliament?

What would me want to do that for? It's full of pricks.

Oh, that's a little harsh. I'm an MP. Am I a prick? Yes.

Let's try approaching this from a different angle.

Um... Is there nothing in the world that you would like to change?

Yeah. Me'd wanna save the john nike leisure center, obviously.

Well, as the MP. For staines, you could achieve that.

Would you stand as our candidate in this by-election?

Well, me gotta be honest. Me ain't actually bi. I mean, obviously, I done it with two girls.

Well, I seen it on the internet.

But me would never feel completely comfortable...

Being bummed by a man, or even bummin' a man.

I know a lot of people say, "never say ever," But me feel so strongly...

That me exit hole should always stay me exit hole and never become me entry hole.

You know what I's saying? Yes.

Yes. Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

Later.

Later, sweetheart.

David? What are you doing?

He was the biggest idiot I have ever met.

Choose him and there is no way we can win the by-election.

I know. But there will be a leadership crisis.

A vote of no confidence. The PM. Will be out.

And who could possibly replace him?

Ali has two weeks to lose us 18,000 votes.

Let's get him on the campaign trail.

Easy now, rude boy. Me name be ali g...

And me is here representing staines.

Me wanna know if me can count on your vote. What ya say? definitely not! hairy muff.

Well, seein' as I is here, I couldn't interest you in a quarter of moroccan black?

It's well good shit.

Dave, it's your turn to shit through the letter box.

Our anti-bullying program has won paise throughout the county.

And incidents of bullying in this school are at an all-time low.

Ah, this is jonathan, who used to suffer terribly at the hands of bullies.

I ain't surprised. Look at him.

Hey, fatty boom-boom. Hey, fatty boom-boom.

Hey, want another cream cake? Boing, boing, boing.

[ Chuckles ] Oh. He is well fat, though, isn't he?

All you motherfuckers, fu-fu-fu-fuckers.

All you motherfuckers. Fu-fu-fu-fuckers.

Vote for the g. The motherfucking g. That's me. The motherfucking g.

All the bitches in the house say "yo."

Vote for me, 'cause me know what you lezzers want.

I's a big supporter of your cause.

And I's got many, many of your videos.

If you vote for me, me give you me pledge...

To lower taxes on strap-ons.

[ Booing ] why's you getting so eggy? Is you all on?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate the extension of the town hall, we're asking all the candidates to lay down a brick.

Ali, we wonder whether you'd be good enough to lay one for us now? what? Here? we would be honored.

In front of everyone? Well, yes.

All right.

[ Crowd groaning ]

Not bad.

This is absolutely vital.

Ten days ago, we were 14 points ahead.

With one day to go, we are eight points behind.

Listen, did you get the manifesto that I sent you?

Have you got another roach? Uh, for real.

You got another roach? Uh, yeah, for real.

Wicked. Wicked. Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Yes. It was very helpful.

Thirty seconds till we're on air. Would you like to come with me?

Good luck. Don't hold back.

* [ Fanfare ]

Shh, shh, shh, shh. [ Giggles ] [ Mumbling ]

In what is possibly the most crucial by-election of the past decade, we're joined tonight by ex-environment secretary and political heavyweight...

David griffiths, and newcomer ali g.

If you haven't made your mind up yet, you will have done by the end of this debate.

Ali, if elected, what would you do for staines?

Well, me'd save the john nike leisure center, isn't it?

You can't suggest that your sole policy...

Is to save a center that's barely used and a terrible drain on funds.

What are your other policies?

My other policies?

Yes. You must have some.

[ No sound ]

Well.

Oh, I think it is well important to reduce...

"Inflat-ee-on."

And, also, to invest in the "nehuss."

The naha... Nahus.

Oh, the NH.S. you're reading from my sheet. no, I ain't. I was for them things myself.

You has obviously copied from me. It wasn't me.

Well, then, perhaps you'd like to tell me where you stand on the ER.M.?

No problem. Me thought their first album was whack.

And to be honest, me hate all indie music.

Quick frankly, the voters of staines deserve better.

You're making a mockery of this debate.

What? Is you looking in the mirror? All you're doing...

Is making it obvious to all the voters out there... what an absolute buffoon you are. talking about yourself again?

[ Ali ] I think so, yes.

You are an embarrassment to your party and to the people of staines.

That is not a very nice way to talk about your mum.

I put it to you...

That you are the worst possible candidate...

Ever put forward by your miserable party.

Well, I put it to you...

that you sucked off a horse. [ Gasps ]

I did not, uh, suck off a horse.

I have already dealt with this issue with the party chairman.

And as I explained to him, I was out hunting with a friend...

And I slipped on to the end of a horse's phallus, which, unfortunately, owing to it being the mating season, was... Aroused.

[ Ali ] Why is he going? Does he need to do a pony?

[ Laughing ] Oh. That's cold. is that a yes or a neigh?

Why ain't you speaking? Is you a bit hoarse?

Was that a lie or was that the tr-hoof, hoof?

[ Ali over speaker ] I don't want to read the "gallop" polls tomorrow. Giddyup!

Another dramatic day in the staines by-elections...

Saw the unexpected withdrawal of opposition candidate david griffiths.

Tomorrow's vote now becomes a two-horse race between thomas alvarez...

And ali g, with the result too close to call.

Thomas alvarez, liberal democrats, five thousand and eighty votes.

Alistair leslie graham, [ Laughing ]

Who? What a stupid name.

Five thousand and eighty-six votes. [ Screams ]

You won! You did it!

Selector!

[ Man ] And I now declare ali g...

Has been duly elected as member of parliament for staines.

Now, do you wanna see the new member of parliament, a'ight?

[ Both laughing ]

[ Zipper unzipping ] [ Feedback ]

[ Ali on PA. ] Look, I is touching myself. Do you like that?

Is that turnin' you on?

[ Julie on PA. ] Not really. Hmm.

[ Ali ] Would you like to give a kiss to Mr. Gherkin?

[ Julie ] Oh, baby, you're so long and hard.

[ Ali ] That's the hand brake. now let's get jiggy.

[ Ali ] *Mm, Mr. Bombastic Reggae fantastic *

*Take It And De doogie doogie doogie *

*Mr. Ro-ro-ro-ro-ro

*Mmmmmmantic

[ Softly moans ]

Is it in yet?

Big up yourself. Respect. Safe. Big up yourself.

[ Indistinct ] hey, hey, I know you.

You is the geezer that did it with that prozzie, isn't it?

Respect.

[ Man ] ...because this government's conduct-- order! Order!

[ All shouting ] this government's conduct of economic policy...

Has not only been incompetent, it has been unscrupulous, untrustworthy and untruthful.

They is dissin' our posse. I's gonna sort this.

[ Man ] Order! Order in the house! and look at this. order! Order!

Will the member from staines return to his seat?

Will the member from staines return to his seat?

Order! Order in the house!

What is he doing? I'm-i'm not sure, prime minister.

Order in the house!

And for you, sir, to come down and step up to me... Shh.

And have the-- relax, ya batty.

[ Snaps fingers ]

Look at you.

All you ever do all day long is cuss each other.

R-e-s-t-e-c-p.

Do you even know what that spells?

"Restecp"?

yes. "Restecp." restecp.

How's anyone out there meant to restecp each other...

If you lot in here...

Don't even start restecping one another?

Sergeant, eject the gentleman.

Do you wanna know how to make this country better? It's simple.

Two WORDS: Keep it real. that's three words. don't be a spanner. "It" ain't a real word.

It's short for "innit," innit? Keep it real!

The member of staines will be banned from the house.

Is it 'cause I's black?

What in god's name have you done to me?

I want that idiot in my office in the morning with his letter of resignation.

Is that clear? Yes, prime minister.

[ Knocking on door ] come in.

Listen. Me know me done wrong.

Ali, haven't you read the papers?

I can't believe it.

There's a dog that can play table tennis.

Ali, it's the press. They love you.

But how can he hold the bat?

Ali, the deputy prime minister and I were wondering...

What would you say if I asked you to join the cabinet?

No. Think about it. Ali joins the cabinet.

The two of them are publicly allied together.

Ali slips up and he takes that old prat with him.

What makes you think ali will join?

Because I've suggested to the prime minister...

That he offers to save his leisure center. Are you mad? That would-- let me finish. Offers to save his leisure center...

If ali can secure him a 20-point lead in the polls.

Yo, boss man, now I's in the cabinet and all that, could I have a look at the red button? can I trust you? yes.

All right, here we are.

Now, one touch on that red button could destroy the whole world.

That is very interesting that you say that because-- no! No!

[ Laughs ] Fell for it, fell for it.

Ali, please stand away, please.

Dear me. Can't we just blow up something?

Of course not. Please?

No! Come on, just somewhere shitty, like wales.

Ali. I heard the prime minister of wales called your mum a slag.

Iamthe prime minister of wales.

Well, you shouldn't talk that way about your mum, isn't it?

Now, look, your first cabinet meeting is next thursday.

[ Prime minister ] We're going to be discussing asylum seekers.

I'm sending you on a fact-finding mission.

If anybody wants to smuggle anything into britain, chances are they'll come through here.

And it's not just immigrants. Take a look at this.

You'll be appalled.

Look at this crap.

Thirty kilos of marijuana smuggled in from europe, south America and the middle east.

That is terrible. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. is there any skunk? yes.

Some scumbag managed to smuggle in 15 kilos of this.

Turns out it's the strongest super skunk ever discovered.

Over here is where we keep the confiscated weapons.

And this is where we keep the-- [ Yelling ]

You must have such a laugh here, what? no, we don't. oh.

This next section is where we keep the mountains of hard-core pornography.

Most of it coming from germany.

You may want to look away at this bit.

No, I's got a job to do.

[ Whimpers ] I know.

It makes me feel sick too.

Well, I's gonna have to compile me report now.

So if you wouldn't mind fucking off. Certainly, sir.

Oh, westminster will be sending down a couple of experts...

To help me with me research. [ Ricky c ] jezzy, glasses.

Hello. We is experts.

[ Music plays, man, woman moaning ]

[ Man on tv speaking german ]

Well, now, ali, tells us. What did you find out in dover?

Well, we saw a lot of stuff-- most of it from germany-- of these blokes all goin' in through the back door.

Absolutely right. I've been to germany and experienced it myself.

Respect. I remember one time...

There were these two huge african men...

Who managed to squeeze themselves into... This tiny box. how long was they in there for? fifteen hours.

It was incredibly emotional. It must have hurt, what? it still does. sorry.

So, john, what are we going to do about these asylum seekers?

Well, we can't just let them all in. It'll cripple the economy. ooh. Ooh. ah, yes, ali.

Let's think about this, right?

What is the main thing we ain't got enough of in this country? hospitals. no. libraries?

Behave! We ain't got enough fit women.

And we's got too many mingers. No offense, karen.

So why don't we just let in all the fit refugees...

And turn away all the rank ones.

That way we solve both problems.

We's knobbin' two birds with one connie, isn't it? [ Chattering ] this is ludicrous. what do you think?

I think we should "keep it real."

Fit. Fit.

Fit. Wait.

Back to slovenia. Fit.

As I was saying, education standards are at their lowest for 15 years.

Yeah, well, that is because kids is learning stuff that ain't no use to them.

I mean, who here has ever used maths? Or english?

Exactly. Let's start making education relevant.

So, if kevin buys six ounces of jamaican sinsemilla from fat tony...

For 6480, cash in hand, and has to divide it amongst 11 of his customers, how much should he charge for an eighth...

So he can make 6100 profit to pay off his child support?

Prime minister, the situation in northern ireland...

Is threatening to spiral out of all control.

Hear me now. The only way you is ever gonna get those hindus...

To stop killing them islams-- it's actually catholics fighting protestants.

Whatever-- is if you get some really fit woman...

To get her babylons out for peace.

Prime minister-- not you, love.

The army is costing the british taxpayer 64.2 billion a year.

How does the government intend to reduce this figure?

We is gonna hire the a-team.

[ Man ] Her majesty, the queen.

Your majesty.

May I introduce ali g, member of parliament for staines.

*Come On, Baby Girl Will you show me your twirls *

*Come On, We both on the floor *

*I Will Rock Your World

*I Will Wind And Go Down Wind and come up *

*I'll Watch The People On the way *

* [ Fading ]

Hello, cheeky. You is much fitter than you look on them coins.

Me tell you, next time I put a 50 pence piece in me pocket, me'll feel honored having your head so close to me nuts.

Nothing's working. The jobless figures are at their highest level--

this country has a special relationship with the united states.

What do you think of bush?

Me love bush. I mean, me love anything that gives foliage to the punani area.

Would you do a dance for me, please?

oh, my god. shaven heaven. Respect.

As ali g's influence grows ever stronger--

[ Reporter #2 ] Ali g storms the palace.

[ Man speaking foreign language ]

[ Applause, cheering ]

"As of 12:00, all rizlas will be free.

"To discourage their use, there will be a levy...

"Of 25 pence in the pound on panties.

"This will exclude thongs.

"As for the health service, "marijuana will be made available free on the NH.S...

For the treatment of chronic diseases, such as itchy scrot."

"Furthermore, I am a bellend--" [ Laughing ]

prime minister, I can't be expected-- get on, david.

"I like to take it up de batty.

Yes, I do. It feel really nice and is me favorite."

"I used to be a girl and wear knicks.

Honest."

"Ask me mum." [ All laughing ]

* [ Theme ]

War looms in central africa.

Britain is to host a last-minute peace conference.

A triumphant budget framed by britain's most controversial MP.

[ Turns tv off ]


Just because you bought me a fancy frock doesn't make up for three months of neglect.

Me know. Listen, ali, I ain't never been to nothing like this before, so don't leave me on my own tonight, all right? Don't worry, baby.

* [ Classical ]

Look, there's the prime minister. I seen him on the telly.

Let me get his autograph. Yo, boss man, this is me julie.

Oh, yes, right. Shall we meet the delegates?

Ah. This is president wattana from thailand.

It is an honor to meet you.

Thai. A'ight. Present. [ Pops lips ]

Ali, let's move along. Do forgive me.

Ah. This is the mongolian delegate.

Is you a genuine mong?

Oh, that is fantastic that you lot is also being represented here.

[ Speaking native language ]

[ Slowly ] I will go and get you...

Some nice crayons.

[ Chuckles ] Shall we-- shall we carry on?

Thank you. Do-do forgive me.

They really can do anything, what?

Oh, this is borat from kazakhstan.

[ Speaking native language ] Bless you.

It is nice to meet you.

Get off, you batty boy! Oh, no! Ali, ali. it's all right. that's ridiculous. you're a cocksucker.

Bonjour.

Canape, sir?

[ Nickers ]

Me julie.

Julie?

[ Sobbing ]

Hello?

[ Sniffles ]

What you doing up here with me? Why don't you just stay downstairs with that posh girl?

We was just talking about the politics.

I ain't interested in what you got to say. Just shut up!

For real, me won't speak no more.

Oh, you really are a prat.

Now come here. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, we can't. This is the PM.'s bedroom.

Well,

why don't you pretend to be the prime minister then?

Cheeky.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Uh, in advance of tomorrow's summit, I shall be having private talks with both parties.

So, so first, president mwepu, would you care to join me upstairs? a pleasure.

Thank you.

[ Banging ] [ Julie moaning ]

[ Glass clinking ]

[ Banging, moaning ]

[ Banging, faster ] [ Ali, muffled ] Boombayeh! Boombayeh!

[ Banging stops ]

I must say, I enjoyed that. So did I.

I'm so glad we thrashed it out.

Mm-hmm. Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone to know...

That president mwepu, here, is a very big man.

[ Disgusted moaning ] and I would like you to know that the prime minister...

Was very hard... [ Crowd ] ohh! but very straight. [ Moaning continues ]

The president here was very muchon top to start off with.

[ Sickened gasping ] But I don't mind telling you...

I was in a deep hole. Oh, very deep.

But even though we had some sticky patches, I'm delighted to say we came together, finally, in the end.

[ Violent moans ] yes, I lapped up everything that you had to offer.

Now, President oempeba, would you care to join me upstairs? no bloody way! can I come?

Hmm.

Come on, honey. Let's go home.

I'll cook you up your favorite.

What, angel delight? Yeah. Butterscotch.

Mm. Mm. Butterscotch.

This bit is for the girls.

To show that me can be well sensitive.

By the way, if any of you bitches is fit and into doggie...

Then 'ere is my mobile number.

Callers must be over 16.

But not by too much, obviously.

Me can't.

They need me at the peace conference tomorrow.

You wha'? What about the people who really need ya?

What about ricky? What about dave?

What about me, ali?

[ Sighs ] Please come back to staines.

The world is bigger than staines.

And me gotta save it.

You'll have to do it on your own, then.

Julie-- julie? [ Sighs ]

Uh, let me call you back.

We've got to get rid of him before this bloody center's saved. well, what I thought-- youthought?

[ U.s. Delegate ] The united states will do everything in its power...

To support chad in its struggle against its neighbors!

Russia will not allow this western oppression to continue, and in order to support burkina faso...

Is prepared to utilize all our military capabilities.

[ Gasping, chattering ] that's outrageous!

[ All talking together ] how can you make a statement like that?

Ali, ali, ali! * [ Music On Headphones ]

Could be armageddon breaking out. Please help me, will you? chill, bro. Me'll sort it. the united states will not be intimidated!

We are prepared to meet any show of force with our full military might.

Oi! Do you know why they is all shoutin' in there?

It's because they ain't been fed their teas.

Come on! Choppy-chop!

[ Pandemonium ]

Moving to a motion. All those in favor of sending iran...

Down to the gas station to get some potato chips and chocolate, raise your hands. [ All agreeing, laughing ]

-[ man ] bye-bye. oh, bummer.

*Tease Me, Tease Me Tease me, baby *

I'm sorry we invaded you.

It wasreallyuncool.

You know, who cares? It's all in the past.

And hey, if I was going to be invaded by anyone, I am happy it was you. [ Chuckles ]

You are really cool.

And you have nice clothes.

You saved my white ass, ali.

No problem, "bredrin."

Big up the 'erbal tea, a'ight? A'ight. hey, you, britain! [ Grunts ] [ Cork popping ]

Respect.

-*I will never forget the first time we kissed * how does he do it?

*Catching A Big Fish

*Yes, You Are On Top Of my romance list *

*Second To None You defeat the favorite *

*Woman, Your Love Is Like Burnin' fire on me soul *

*Woman, Tease Me Till me lose control *

*Woman Your Love Is Like Burnin' fire on me soul *

*Woman, Tease Me Till me lose control *

*Tease Me, Tease Me Tease me, baby *

[ Prime minister ] You know, we're quite a team, ali.

It's thanks to you we're 22 points ahead.

I'm gonna save that center of yours.

[ Ali ] Wicked! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Check out all the "pepperami." [ Prime minister ] They're for you, ali.

This is your moment.

[ All shouting ]

Will you comment on accusations that you drugged the leaders of the world?

you what? -Well, we have evidence that proves you're guilty.

Uh, "well, we have evidence that proves you guilty." this is just childish. "this is just childish!"

Aren't you, by employing this absurd rhetorical tactic, merely incriminating yourself further?

Aren't you, by... Blah, blah, tactic, just blah, blah your father?

This bag was sent to my office anonymously this morning.

Do you deny that you stole it from customs and excise?

That could be anyone's! What's that to do with me? Come on.

I's got to go. I's turtlin'.

I's actually touchin' cloth.

Oh, dear. There goes your leisure center.

Clear your desk before you go, will you? Prime minister!


[ John ] Big up yourself, ali. Good-bye, Mr. G.

Won't be the same without you. We'll Miss you, Mr. G.

Respect. Big up yourself.

You're all right. Westside.

[ Children playing ]

Flippin' heck.

Nan, can I borrow your car?

[ Hip-hop ] *Where Would I Be Without My *Baby

*The Thought Alone Might *Break Me

*And I Don't Want To Go *Crazy

*But Every Dog Needs A *Lady

*And I Feel Like You and I been * *Moanin' Together

*Inseparable You chose pain over pleasure *

*For That, You'll Forever Be part of me *

*My Body And Your Soul They know I can't wait *

*Baby *What Would I Be Without you *

*Uh, Yeah *I Only Think About You

*I Know You're Tired Of bein' lonely *

*Lonely *So, Baby Girl Put it on me *

*Put It On Me *What Would I Be Without you *

*Uh *I Only Think About You

[ Sucks lip ]

[ Commodores ] *Thanks For The Times

[ Mouthing words silently ] *That You've Given Me

*The Memories Are All In my mind *

*You're Once

*Twice

*Three Times A Lady [ Doorbell ringing ]

*And I Lo-- [ Beeping ]

Having a bad day? Maybe I can help. is it nippy outside? very.

Wha' is you doin' here?

[ Clears throat ] Let me show you.

So, today's main news AGAIN: The prime minister has resigned, after the discovery of a videotape from a security camera...

Showing him having perverse sexual intercourse with an unknown prostitute.

[ Julie moaning ]

That ain't no prostitute, that's me ho!

As of 11:00 this morning, the deputy prime minister, david carlton, will be acting prime minister.

What? That ain't fair. That weren't the PM.! why ain't they showin' the rest of the tape? unfortunately, my boss has locked it in his safe, in his new office at chequers, and that's where it's staying. you ain't gonna get away with this.

If you keep your mouth shut, david's willing to be very generous.

I'm... Willing to be verygenerous.

[ Loud sucking ]

All that you have to do...

Is keep... Your mouth... Shut.

[ Groaning ]

I'm tuning up my engine, ali.

[ Sucking sound ] Fill me with petrol.

I's gonna pump you with me five-star unleaded, a'ight? let me see your nozzle. what?

Oh, you wanna see me knob? All right.

[ Turns on music ] -*Freak me, baby

*Let Me Lick You Up And Down

*Till You Say Stop

*Let Me Play With your body, baby *

*Make You Real Hot

*Let Me Do All The Things

*You Want Me To Do

*'Cause Tonight, Baby

*I Want To Get Freaky with you *

*Baby, Don't You Understand

*I Wanna Be Your Nasty Man

[ Turns off music ] [ Panting ] Give me your fuel injection.

And in tomorrow's phone-in, we'll be asking this QUESTION:

"Have you ever slept with a pig?" I know I certainly have.

[ Woman on tv ] and we'll be finding out what turns girls like this into slags.

No one calls me julie a slag.

[ Clicks off tv ] come to mama.

Take them off.

* [ Disco, Indistinct ]

*Where Are You, Baby We used to have so much fun *

*You Drive Me Crazy

*Somebody Tell Me Where he's gone *

*Where Are You, Baby We used to have so much fun *

*You Drive Me Crazy

[ Cub scouts, chanting ] Keep it real. Keep it real.

This ain't right. Here.

Set it to vibrate and finish yourself off.

[ Groaning, panting ]

Open up, open up! Yo, blood, I needs your help.

Everyone on the telly is callin' me julie a slag.

What, they heard about her three-header at derek jamal's 18th?

What three-header? Nothin'. No. No.

Anyways, I can prove that she ain't. "Bredrin."

We got to restart "drive-by fm." What you say?

"Drive-by fm" is back 'pon the road!

Wicked! Let's do it. Let's go. Is you any good at knots?

Yo, yo, yo, 'ear me now. Rewind, bubba dubba, 'ear now. [ Gibberish ]

This is drive-by fm, the sound of the ghetto, coming to you from deep in the heart of berkshire.

[ Both imitating drums, gunshots ]

[ Clicking ]

[ Stops ] What was dat?

A helicopter. Oh, you was doin' the wings?

[ Whispers ] Oh, that's good.

'Ear me now, gangsters. There is some serious shit goin' down.

Da prime minister-- check it-- has been chucked out by a geezer who is a m-massive dong.

He is even more "eviller" Than skeletor.

To get the PM. Back in, me needs to get 'old of this tape...

Of me knobbin' me bitch.

If you 'elp me rescue this video, we can save da country.

Plus, you will get to see me julie's babylons.

[ Laughs ] Wicked!

That is why I's callin' all of you...

To end the berkshire turf wars.

There's been enough brothers slain.

So, put down your AK.S.

Lay down your uzis.

And unite into one massive massiv.

So big up the eton wick crew. Hold tight.

Hold tight the iver heath posse. One love.

Shout goin' out to the englefield green massiv.

-Two time! and me never thought me would ever say THIS:

But big up...

The east staines massiv.

Hey, what you doin', man? Shh.

Hear this, hassan "b".

If you join us, then I is prepared to hand over...

The boris the spider climbing frame in leagrove park.

Let's do what tupac and biggie never managed, a'ight?

There it is, there it is, if you is joining us for this military operation, then meet up wearing your camouflage and combat gear.

The venue is outside the john nike leisure center at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Actually, that's a bit early. Could we make it 12:00?

Sorry I is late.

But there was something on the telly about monkeys.

Dey is well funny, what, with all their arms and their--

respect to all of you for wearin' your "camelflage."

It will help you go undetected.

Now, let's go to chequers and rescue that tape.

Let's do this for britain.

Let's do this for me julie.

And let's do this for hip-hop! selector! [ All ] selector!

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power

*Fight The Power Hear me now. I's drawn up a detailed plan of chequers.

The tape is in the PM.'s office. In a safe.

Right? First up, ricky, dave and me will go in.

Jezzy, you stay here. We's gonna be like the a-team.

And I is BA. Baracus.

I wanna be BA. Baracus. [ Deep grunting ]

But I is very muchlikehim.

[ Imitating ] "I ain't gettin' on no plane!" "I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

"I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

"Shut up, fool! I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

What? Look, it's gold. "I ain't gettin' on no plane."

"I wanna step back, kiss myself. I ain't gettin' on no plane." That's james brown.

You'll be murdoch. And dave, you'll be face. and what do we do? you lot stay 'ere, and we all hide..

And blend into the natural habitat. [ Owl hooting ]

Then, when it gets dark, me will make the secret signal.

* [ Imitating Hip-hop ]

[ Imitating DJ. Scratching ] *Fresh, Fresh, Fresh, Fresh A'ight * let's go! -At that point, you will tune in all your radios...

To the baddest speed garage station, and crank up the volume to the max!

This will bring out the guards.

And at that point, we will use ourcunning to overpower them. bundle! [ Screaming ]

* [ Rap, Indistinct ]

[ Phone ringing ] sir? what the hell's going on?

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, sir. But I've sent some men out to check.

Well, see that you do. I want maximum security. Patrol the house.

[ Ali ] The great hall is exactly like the one in lara croft's house.

You know, in "tomb raider ii" On playstation.

So, dave, if you run at the pillar, that will take us through to the underwater kingdom, and onto the next level.

[ Banging head, grunting ]

If for some reason that don't work, we must find a way to cross the touch-sensitive floor.

If we lift our feet at all, we're dead.

[ Mechanical, raspy voice ] *Break Dance Electric boogie break dance *

*Electric Boogie Break Dance Electric boogie break dance *

*Break It Off

Nothing. We'll keep on looking.

[ Ali ] next stop, we's got to go through the laser room.

Dave, you'll use your special skills to help us through.

-[ dave coughs ] remember, if we break any of these beams, it will set the alarms off-- so extra careful.

Now, let's do it.

*This Is The Funk Now hit me *

*Just Get On Down And hit me *

*Their Bodies Gettin' So funky, now hit me *

* [ SAMPLE: Kraftwerk, "Trans-europe express" ]

*You Gotta Rock It Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It Don't stop it *

*You Gotta Rock It Don't stop * This must be the PM.'s office.

The tape is in there.

Intruders in my office. This is a terrorist attack.

Shoot on sight. Repeat, shoot on sight.

The safe! No, the safe. Yeah, safe, man.

[ Ali ] Yeah, I is safe, man. Open it up. No, the safe.

Yeah, man. I is feeling fine. I told you.

[ Ricky ] The safe, the safe. Yeah, man, I's safe.

[ High, squeaky voice ] Behind you!

Hold on. I thought you couldn't speak.

[ Squeaking ] It's not really that. It's just I've always been...

Terribly embarrassed about my voice.

All right. Don't go on about it.

Stop givin' it "all that."

Now, if me can just interrupt your life story for one second.

[ Pretending to yawn ] Let's tie these geezers up, and get that safe open, hmm? Safe.

[ Sighs ] No.

I got it. Why don't we link up the batteries...

Of all the cars outside here, and then transfer the electrical current...

Through a human chain, and blow this mother open!

But won't we get "electrical-o-cooted"?

We'll blow the batteries, but we won't get fried, long as the chain don't break, 'cause we're all wearin' rubber-soled trainers. trust me, man, I got a "d" in physics. wicked. I'll text 'em.

[ Beeping ] [ Beeping ]

"b--"? no, "b-8-2-rez."

"Be-attories"? Batteries!

"2-Ger-4," Two-gef-for? Together!

Me was tryin' to save time. Bumbaclot.

Switch on the engine. Pass it on.

[ High voice ] Switch on the engine. Pass it on.

[ Laughs ] your voice. [ Whispers ] switch on the engine. Pass it on.

[ Passing it on ]

Bitch on a pension. Suck my dong. what? Should I turn the engine on? yeah.

[ Starting engines ]

*This Is The Funk Now hit me *

*Just Get On Down And hit me *

What is you doin'? I can't help it. I'm bein' pulled!

No!

[ Choir ] *Be Our Saviors

[ Laughing ] Bo, bo, bo! Yes!

We up on the a-team!

peace, man. peace, "bredrin."

Ali! Ali!

Fuckin' hell! The tape ain't here!

What you talkin' about, willis? Well, look for yourself.

All it is is some... Photographs...

And this, uh, map of staines.

Jah rastafari haile selassie I-and-i!

Dey's extendin' heathrow airport. That means...

They's gonna destroy staines!

And they's startin' in... Three hours.

Two hours, fifty-seven minutes, to be precise.

Why is you got to build this terminal over staines?

Because I have bought 600 acres of land there. Can I have those, please?

Now, don't try escaping from here, because this room doubles as a nuclear bunker.

It is completely impenetrable to the outside world.

[ Inhales, sighs ] And I've forgotten to put on the air supply.

Why don't you just nip outside now and stick it on?

Do you know, you really are unbelievably stupid.

[ Beeps ]

Oi! Knob-end! what? gimme them plans.

Or what? Or nipple cripple, that's what.

[ Grunting, breathing hard ]

Chinese burn!

[ Sobbing ]

You hit me on the nose, you fuckin' nutcase!

I ain't bein' funny, but you should look behind you.

Uh, because there's like a thousand police officers behind you--

look behind you. There's jennifer lopez!

What? You want to bone him right this second, 'cause you is feelin' so horny...

That if you don't get it now--

look, there's 20 squid on the floor.

There is a squirrel, with the head of a chicken, and with, like, wings and everything.

There's ju-- [ Sighs deeply ]

Is you gonna hit me again? Mm-hmm.

Now I'm going to shoot you.

Booyakasha!

[ Groans ]

This is from the people of staines.

[ Passing gas quietly, then loudly ]

Ooh. I think I followed through.

[ Beeping ] Me julie, you there?

Me know what you must think of me.

I been a piece of knob cheese.

But me got to save staines, and me can't do it on me own, and-- and I shat meself.

Shit. Ricky and dave!

ricky? [ Panting ]

We thought if we was gonna die, we might as well give it a go. well, what's it like? it's not bad, you know. dave? [ High voice ] Quite nice, actually.

We'll talk about this later. Now we got to save staines.

Two minutes. See you in the car?

All right. Be quick. The feds is comin'. and you don't want to finish up inside. well--

[ Me julie ] Save our center! Save our center!

Hold on tight, we gotta delay 'em.

Leave 'em alone, you pigs! They're senile!

Send it in. Send it in.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Ali! I love you!

Julie!

hello. ignore them and start the demolition.

Wait! Don't listen to him! He's a criminal.

And not even the good kind, that sell drugs or do drive-bys.

I is got proof here that he is tryin' to destroy staines.

So what? It's a shithole. arrest them. oh, shit!

We's goin' to jail. Every day for the next twenty years, we is gonna get bummed in the showers. [ Siren wailing ] hold it. Release him. -Under what authority?

In case you forgot, I am the acting prime minister.

You are the disgraced one. [ Car door slamming ]

Disgraced by you. And this tape proves it. kate-- no, david.

When I first entered politics, it was to create a better world.

A world of honesty, integrity and truth.

But somewhere along the way, that vision was lost.

My dream was tarnished, and instead, I discovered greed, avarice and-- bo-ring! [ Yawning ]

Arrest him.

Enjoy your life with this fool.

You two deserve each other. Piss off. oh, nice! and you can rest assured, ali, we're not gonna build terminal five over staines.

We're gonna demolish slough instead.

Wicked. As of right now, I'm gonna need a new deputy prime minister.

How would you feel about being my right-hand man?

[ Laughing ] Right-hand man! Batty boy, batty boy!

What do you say, ali?

I's shown you the way.

You will have to carry on the journey by yourself, now.

As for me, I is gonna stick with me posse.

And me bi-- me lady.

Ahem, "hactually," There is one thing you could do for me.

* [ Reggae ]

This way, ambassador.

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

Your crop is ready for inspection.

Bo. *I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador

*Hey, Me Play Me Reggae Music In any condition *

*Drop It In A Style Drop it in a fashion *

-*Everywhere I go good morning, ambassador.

Ambassador, will you try the harvest?

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

*Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

*Ah, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Yea I'm Mr. Reggae ambassador *

This... Is good shit.

The man from staines, he say yes!

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It

ice, please? huh! [ Popping ]

Ali, this is a great jacuzzi.

That... Ain'ta jacuzzi.

*It's Friday Night Sorry.

*And I Feel All Right

*The Party's Here On the westside *

*So I Reach For My 40 And I turn it up *

*Designated Driver Take the keys to my truck *

*Hit The Shore 'Cause I'm faded *

*Honeys In The Street Say Monty, oh, we made it *

*It Feels So Good In my 'hood tonight * * [ Bongoes, Bass Drum ]

*The Summertime Skirts And the guys in kani *

*All The Gang-bangers Forgot about the drive-bys *

*You Gotta Get Your Groove On Before you go get paid *

Bring her in.

*Throw Your Hands Up And let me hear the party say *

Dance for me, bitch.

*This Is How We Do It *South Central Does It Like nobody does *

*This Is How We Do It

*To All My Neighbors You got much flava *

*This Is How We Do It

*Let's Flip The Track Bring the old school back * *This Is How We Do It

-*I'm kinda buzzed me julie.

Me got something to ask you.

[ Giggling ] Will you make me...

The happiest man in the world?

Yeah, I will. [ Giggling ] Let me shag her, then.

*This Is How We Do It In a UK. Vibe *

*This Is How We Do It Come on, sue, to the floor and sabrina to the mic *

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It It's friday night *

*And I Feel All Right

*Party's Here On The Westside So, what did you think of the film?

It weren't bad, was it?

It was easily better than harry potter, which me thought was very childish.

If you is watchin' this, potter, I's better than you.

You probably ain't even slept with a girl.

I's slept with three.

And I got one of 'em to play with herself.

Anyways, whatever you thought of this film, please tell your mates that it waswicked.

'Cause if this flops, me won't be able to get me nan a new hip.

So the choice is yours. No pressure.

Come here, nan, and tell them about it.

What? You is fallin' over again?

What, you done the other one in as well?

Don't cry there, all mashed up, a lump of bones.

Me will get you the cash to make it better.

Somehow.

Don't be selfish.

Buy the merchandise and all.

*Ali G

*Shaggy

*Last Time, Babylon You A ride, now yeah, you man *

*A To The L To The I To the g-issey * *Ali G

*J To The U To the L-i-e-issey * *Julie

*S To The H To the a double g-issey, y * *Shaggy

*Rude Boys Get Busy

*I Need A Cure For this thing I'm feelin' *

*Shaggy Need Some Sexual healin' *

*I Want To Reach And touch the ceilin' *

*When I'm Knobbin' My julie *

*Me Am The King Of the late-night dealin' *

*Worse Now, It's Just A piece I'm stealing *

*Safe Sex It's just a lover believin' *

*When I'm Loggin' My Julie

*Julie, Truly *You Know Me Love-a You

*From My Head Down To My *Goolie

*Uh, Uh *Woman, You Turn Me On With your big babylons *

*Julie, Truly *You Got To Treat Her

*When Me Touch You With Me *Goolie

[ Ali ] *Hey, Mr. Shaggy Me can rap too *

*Yo, Yo, Yo [ Ali ] *You Is Better Than J.lo

*Sexy You, She's Just A Minger Fit as destiny's child *

*Well, Apart From The lead singer *

*You's Fitter Than the spice girls including the ginger *

*Give It A Shake 'Cause me wanna be in ya *

*They Was Claimin' That Our love was wrong, uh *

*The People Just Stared And said it was too long *

*But It Ain't A Crime To have a 12-inch *

*A What *Dong, Da-dong, Dong-dong

*Julie, Julie *You Know Me Love-a You

*From My Head Down To My *Goolie

*Woman You Turn Me On With your big babylons * *Hey Yo, Hey Yo

*Me Julie, Truly *You Got To Sweet Talk

*That's Right *When Me Touch You To me goolie *

*But You Turn Me On With your big babylons *

*Whoa *This Is How We Do It In a UK. Vibe *

*This Is How We Do It *Ha, It's The Mis-teeq Mis-teeq, mis-teeq *

*This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It It's friday night *

*And I Feel All Right

*Party's Here On The Westside

*So I Reach For My 40 And I turn it up *

*Designated Driver Turn the key to my truck *

*Hit The Shore 'Cause I'm faded *

*Guys In The Street Say Girls, oh, you made it *

*It Feels So Good In my 'hood tonight *

*The Summertime Skirts And the guys in kani *

*All The Gang-bangers Forgot about the drive-bys *

*You Gotta Get Your Groove On Before you're gonna get paid *

*So Tip Up Your Cup And throw your hands up *

*And Let Me Hear The party say *

*I'm Kinda Buzzed And it's all because *

*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It Like nobody does *

*This Is How We Do It

*To All My Neighbors You got much flava *

*This Is How We Do It

*So Flip The Track Bring the old school back *

*This Is How We Do It

*Oh, I'm Buzzin' Because

*This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It Like nobody does * *This Is How We Do It

*L-o-n-d-o-n

*This Is How We Do It

*I'll Never Come Back On an old school track *

*This Is How We Do It *Check It Out

* [ Rap, Indistinct ]

*But I'm Buzzin' Because *This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It Like nobody does * *This Is How We Do It

*L-o-n-d-o-n

*This Is How We Do It

*I Never Come Back On an old school track *

*This Is How We Do It

*I'm Kinda Buzzed And it's all because * *This Is How We Do It

*South Central Does It Like nobody does * *This Is How We Do It

*All My Neighbors You got much flava * *This Is How We Do It

*So, Flip The Track Bring the old school back * *This Is How We Do It

*This Is How We Do It *This Is How We Do It

*Mis Teeq Does It Like nobody does * *This Is How We Do It

*All My Neighbors You got much flava * *This Is How We Do It

*And We'll Never Come Back On an old school track * *This Is How We Do It