Aliens in the Attic (2009) Script

Aliens in the Attic


[Typing Continues] [Thud]

[Wind Whistling]

Oh, my God. Stuart.

What is it? Tom's grades finally posted.

[Typing Continues] Look.

[Stuart] Wonderful. Not one "A." No.

Ora "B." Mm-mmm.

Not even in Health. [Typing Continues]

What the... That was just a "D."

[Woman] How are these changing? [Typing Continues]


One word, and you're dead.


Are you crazy? If Dad catches you, he's gonna kill you.

Dad's not gonna catch me. [Kisses Fingers]

Mwah! I don't get it. What do you see in that guy?

Bye, babe!

You mean, other than the fact that he's good-looking, sweet, sensitive, romantic, funny and ridiculously athletic?

Dad's coming, and he's mad. At who?

Tom. [Stuart] Tom!

What? If you're smart enough to hack into the school Web site, then you are smart enough to pass math.

Do you think Bethany got accepted to Michigan by screwing around all the time?

Of course not. She got in 'cause she's perfect.

No. Your sister worked her tail off, and that's exactly what I expect from you.

Yeah. You're right, Dad.

L-l-I don't deserve a family vacation.

I should stay home tomorrow, learn my lesson.

Oh, no, no. I am not taking that bait, kiddo.

This isn't you. The bad attitude, the grades. What is going on?


I blame all this for coming between this right here.

Some good old-fashioned no-tech—

[Equipment Powering Down] Uh— family togetherness is exactly what we need.

So get some sleep. We're hitting the road at sunup.

Oh, and you guys too.



Hannah. Please, next time, you ride the hump, okay?

I barf in the middle. Remember?

[Man On Radio] And that's the farm report. In other news, it looks like... there will be more than just fireworks in the sky tonight... as an unexpected meteor shower adds a little excitement to our area this holiday weekend.

Very exciting. We're in for a little bit of a show. That'll be beautiful, guys.

Better wear hats tonight. We don't want our heads catching on fire.

[Phone Beeps] Wow.

Hey. Your boy toy is a complete idiot.

Ricky is not a boy toy.

We're in a mature, loving relationship. [Groans]

Why don't we talk in a few years when you have a clue what dating's all about?

Like Ricky has a clue? One more word about Ricky, and I swear to God I'll kill you.

[Horn Honks] Okay. That is enough. Knock it off, you guys.

We're almost there.

[Animal Chittering] [Birds Tweeting]

And there's the pool. See ya!

We beat Uncle Nate! Oh, yeah! Ha-ha!

Ah. I got it, Tom. Don't worry.

Nice, huh? Great, yes. I'll grab that.

I hope there was a discount for booking us into the most boring spot in the whole country.

We're only a stone's throw away from at least a half dozen top-notch fishing lakes.

Are we near a time machine so we can go back five years to when I thought fishing was cool?

Hey, I bought us all new Sidestab reels. Anti-Reverse technology.


[Door Squeaks]


So lame.


[Radio: Rock]

Nice landing, Nate. [Stops]

Told you I could fishtail this thing.

Nice try, Nate, but you just missed my kids.

But he did almost give your mother a heart attack.

Again. Nana!

Hi, Mom. Oh, hi, darling.

Nana! Yes, sweetheart!

Ooh! [Kissing]

I got you a little treat. You did?

Yes, I did. Here we go. [Laughs]

Thank you. [Games Bleeping]

[Nana] Oh, it's so good to see you. I missed you. Hey. We're here.

[Bleeping Continues]

Well, one of the Pearson brothers came to party.

Are those even legal here? No. [Laughing]

Here! Come on, Stu! Let's get him!

Nate, stop it! I'll tell Mom. Tickle him! Tickle your uncle!

Spin him faster, Nate! [Nate Laughing] Get his shirt off!

[Stuart] Mom! [Cell Phone Beeps]

[Nate] Aw, Stuey's crying for Mommy!

Twins, in here.

Hey, guys. Put my bags on the bed.

Sir, yes, sir.

Trying to be a wise guy? No. No. Definitely not. Don't provoke him.

Good. Now, get these out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Why do you get the best room? I was here first.

I'm here now. I'm older.

And I'm bigger.

Did you... grow since Christmas?

Two inches, cuz. I can tag a stop sign without even having to jump.

[Chuckles] How's Mathletes?

I don't do Mathletes anymore.

You tired of getting beat up? [Stuart] Tom!

Get down here and help us unload! Now!

Close my door on the way out.

[Radio: Dance]


Surprise, surprise, princess. Ricky, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just stopping by for the afternoon... or maybe the night.

[Tires Squeal]


What's that? What's what?

Ricky! Hey! Mmm!

Whoa. Watch out for the car. I can't believe you're here.

Well, you're my girlfriend now, so there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

[Laughing] Now, give papa some sugar.

Bethany. Please don't give papa sugar.

Mr. And Mrs. P!

Ricky, wow! Hey, Ricky! What a surprise.

I got you a little housewarming gift. Oh, that is so sweet.

Isn't he sweet? Yes. They're beautiful.

Those are gorgeous. Yeah. Very patriotic too, huh?

Let's stick the flags in some water, see if they grow.

I know. We can do that. Do you want anything to eat or drink?

Oh, that is so sweet of you. I really wish I could.

But my parents have a lake house in Oakstown, and I gotta get back before dark in case my car breaks down again.

Uh-oh. Car trouble. Hmm. Dad, why don't you take a look at it for Ricky?

Yeah, I don't mind getting my hands dirty.

Try it again, Ricky. [Engine Grinding]

[Tom] It's gotta be something obvious, Dad.

I got to be honest with you. Auto mechanics isn't really my thing.

Now, if this were a spreadsheet or a ledger, I would be all over it, but—

[Chuckles] I'll tell you what, Ricky. Stay here tonight, and then we'll take your car to the shop in the morning.

Mr. P, that's really considerate of you.

Well— Really? He can stay the night?

[Stuart] Yeah, in the den, on the couch. [Bethany] Of course.

No fooling around. [Bethany] Dad.

What a gas pipe.

I know. Why can't they see that?

Well, dude, parents are wired differently.

Their brains are old, mushy, fried from bad '80s music.

That's why it's up to you, Thomas.

You gotta defend your family honor, like a man.

I call it the Punisher.

Your dad bought you this? Perks of divorce.

Never underestimate the power of a grown man's guilt.

If we even mention Mom, Nate drives us straight to the mall. [Chuckles]

She's all yours. Don't be a wuss all your life.

Uh— I don't know, man.

Take a look at that guy.

Do you really want Ricky as your brother-in-law? Waah, waah, waah.

Heck, no.

Then let's go prune the family tree.

I had so much fun last night, Ricky.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know, that's just the beginning. [Chuckles]

Man, the sun off the water and... this lightweight cotton... is... so... constricting.

I hate cotton.

[Chuckles] Mind helping me with the lotion, babe?

I'm thinking shooting my sister's boyfriend isn't the best idea.

This isn't about ideas. This is about action.

Don't think. Do.

I can't believe I'm even listening to you. You're dressed like a shrub.

Just a little on my chest. Target is on the move.

Take him out before he reaches second base. Nah. I don't think that—

[Screaming] [Yelling]

[Screams] [Yelling]

Why did you do that? Shut up. You'll compromise our position.

[Yelling Continues]

Oh, my God. She saw us. What do we do? What do we do?

Camo mode. Hunker down and blend.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You shot my boyfriend.

"Sorry" doesn't even touch that. When, Tom?

When are you gonna grow up and stop being a total embarrassment?

And that's why we use camo.

Shut up, Jake.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Ooh! Are you gonna be okay?

[Stuart] I don't know what you were thinking. I really don't.

Yeah, I'm gonna be all right. A paintball gun.

This was a good idea though, Miss Smarty-Pants. That's a gateway gun.

[Laughs] How about what's next? B. B? Pellet?

Stun? What am I gonna do? What do you think I should do? I don't know what to do.

Can't you keep him in his room for the rest of the week?

But it wasn't even me. Okay, you boys are just lucky that Ricky wasn't badly hurt.

It's okay, Mr. P. I was a little kid once too.

Oh, that's nice, Ricky. Thank you. He's a good guy.

He's a good guy. But, no, I'm not okay with this.

Look, we're up here to fish, not to hunt your sister's boyfriend, all right?

You could have put his eye out. Would that have been funny? I don't think so.

All right, let's start over with a clean slate.

Tomorrow, we fish.

7:00 a.m. Sharp. 7:00?

You're kidding. Pass. Nate?

Yeah, Stu. Don't you think that's a little early? How about this?

10:00 a.m., on the boat, no questions asked.

Way to crack the whip, Nate. Way to crack the whip.


[Objects Crashing]

Oh, Stu. Stu.

Natey, the TV's gone haywire.

Stu, TV's gone haywire!

[Cane Banging TV] Mom. Mom, stop it. It's probably the dish.

After the storm, I'll climb up on the roof and fix it.

Hey, wait a second, Mr. P. Let me fix the dish, man.

That's the least I can do for your hospitality.

No, Ricky. You're hurt. Oh, no. It was just a graze.

Oh, no, honey. He's fine.

Go ahead, Richard. Show some hustle.

Yes, indeedy. But I will be needing a helping hand.

So what do you say, brother? Give us a chance to bury the old hatchet.

Make things right with Ricky, or don't come off that roof.

Uh, ladies first.


Whoa. Total creepshow.

All right. Here we go.

Listen, about that paintball thing— Oh, hey. Don't even worry about it.

Firecracker! Too slow. [Laughs]

You know what? Thanks to your little, uh, sharpshooting stunt, I racked up pity points with your parents, and big sis is just itching to be my private nurse.

So thanks a ton, ace. That was a textbook wingman move.

Come on. Quit stalling.

Get your butt up there and make me Nana's hero.

But you told my dad you'd fix it.

Aw, well, I told your dad a lot of things.

Like my car broke down, my parents own a lake house, I'm 18.

You-You're not a senior?

Not in high school.

Now go. [Scoffs]


There you go. [Laughs]

[Wind Whistling]

[Object Clatters]


[Wind Whistling]

[Laughs] Dude, you make it too easy. It's not funny.

What the heck happened to the dish?

I can't do a week here without TV.

I can't do a week here, period.

[Gasps] Whoa.

[Gasps] Hello, hu-mans.

Please tell me you see that too. Not sure I want to.

But, yeah. We come from upstairs!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa. I handle human contact.

Yes, sir. Noted. It's understood. Hello, humans.

[Mumbling] No need to notification army.

We come in pieces. In peace.

What? Say it with me. "Peace."

What are you talking about? Read the book. Peace.

Forget the book! Attack the humans! Attack!

With pleasure. Humans, submit.


Hey, what is taking you girls so long? No, don't. No. No.

[Thud] [Squeals]

Ricky! [Alien Chuckling]

[Tom] What's happening to him? Now the fun begins.

Testing. Testing. Testing. [Distorted Voice] Testing. Testing. Testing.

Testing. [Laughs]

Humanoid subjects, we are the Zirkonian species.

And we hereby claim your luscious planet as our own.

[Tom] Wha— Wha— You have the choice of eternal enslavement or...

Whoa! Whoa!

Instantaneous death.

Run? I'm good with run.

[Jake, Tom Grunt] You have chosen instantaneous death.

[Alien] The human grubs are escaping.

It's locked. Not from me.

We're trapped. Duck!

[Grunts] Unbelievable.

Razor, go! Yes, sir.

[Razor Yelling]

Hey, can I play too? Oh, Hannah, thank God. Open. Hurry.


[Screams] Creepy-crawly!

No, no, no, no. Come back. Come back!

Take them down! Look out!

Hey, frog-face!

What's with all the noise?

Open the window! Open it.

You open it. No, you open it.

Hurry! Get them! Help!

Someone, open it!

Come on. Right there.

Charge! Hurry up!

Move, twin!

Everybody, downstairs now!

Why? Just move!


[Grunts] Creepy-crawlies.

Creepy. Go, go, go, go, go!

Get down! Down!

[Grunts] [Grunts]

Pull! Pull! Pull! I am! Hurry! [Grunts]

Stupid remote control. Glorious commander, be careful.

What's wrong with it? Fix it. Be careful!

[Panting] You a zombie?

No. You? No.

Prove it.

What do you mean? I mean prove it!

You-You wet the bed until you were 10. A zombie wouldn't know that.

[Lee] Here they come! Look out! Ugly humans, submit.

Get the rope. [Grunting]

Tie it off! I'm trying. Push harder.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [Screams]

She scratched me with her claws!

Sorry, sucker.

[Lee] Whoa. He cut off her nails.

We gotta call 911.

I can't get a signal. Neither can I.

Mine's dead too.

Those midget Martians must be jamming us. Never a good sign.

[Dial Tone] It's working!

There's no buttons. What is this thing?

It's a rotary phone. You spin it.

[Dialing Slowly]

What happened up there? Was "get them" not clear enough?

Someone was obviously distracted.

I was following the plan.

You were playing with your little toy.

This is a deadly weapon! It is. No. These are deadly weapons.

Listen on yourselves. This is why we lost success on our mission previous.

Not looking to blame throw, but that one was Razor's fault.

What? You were the one— If we lose success this time, I lose my command.

Now, you're going to learn to work together... or we will together end up shoveling manure back in Sector 7.

We won't let you down, sir.

Let's go enslave some humans!

Actually, uh, about that, I'm sure enslaving is plenty of fun.

But why the hu-mans? What?

They don't seem that bad. Aw. Rookie.

Oh, "they don't seem that bad."

Funny. That's what our engineer previous said. Engineer previous?

Right before the creature that was "not that bad" ate him!

[Groans] The humans are vicious.

Peace is not an option.

[Ringing] [Slurping]

[Ringing Continues] Sheriff here.

Uh, th-there's an alien invasion at our rental house.

Knee-high beings. Very violent. Knee-high. Like a hobbit?

No. Real. Look, I know this sounds crazy, but you gotta understand— Okay, yeah, listen, son.

You do know making a fraudulent complaint is a federal offense. It's punishable—

[Line Clicks] Hello?

[Electricity Zaps] Hmm.

Decent technique... for a female.

[Groans] [Grunts]

How's that technique? [Chuckles]

Hello? [Dial Tone]

We gotta tell our parents. [Thud]


[Hannah Screams]

Think he's still an alien zombie?

You are useless. [Hannah Whimpers]

Why aren't the mind-control plugs working? You're the engineer.

Figure it out. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Fix it! [Grunts]

Fix it. Fix it now, you idiot. He's not talking to us, right?

I think he's picking up their conversation. They had, like, a Bluetooth.

What do you mean their hormone levels are too unstable?

Are you telling me the plugs only work on mature subjects?

Why did we not plan for this?

You have failed me, you incompetent piece of...

Deck. Translation not available.

These humans will pay!

[Body Hits Ground] Did you hear that?

Yeah. Sounds like Ricky landed on his face.

No. Those things they shot at us, they-re-they're mind-control plugs.

They won't work on kids. It's like you said. We're wired differently.

Wha-What about Ricky? It tagged him and he's Bethany's age.

No. He lied. The tool's in college.

So if their plugs don't work on kids— That means we're safe. It means we can fight 'em.

It means they'll go after our parents. They're walking targets.

We got to tell 'em. Now.

Whoa, whoa. Wait. Think.

If our parents even go near those things, they'll get zapped and end up zombies.

Our own parents will attack us.

We need the police and their hard-core firepower. Oh, armed zombies. Even better.

We're done. Game over. Game over for the grown-ups. But we can still fight back.

So you expect us to stop an alien invasion on our own?

He's right. We're the only option.

But we can't tell anyone.

No police, no parents, no exceptions.

Got it? Hannah?

They're up in the attic right now, little aliens.

They're loud and scary and really mean.

Han, there's no such things as aliens. Yes, there is. I saw them.

They smashed the skylight and tried to break the attic stairs.

Well, let's hope not for your sake. We put a huge deposit on this place.

So you boys better keep it in one piece.

You heard her, Tom. No more trouble. It was just a video game.

We shouldn't have let her watch. It's rated "T" for "Teen." It's teen violence.

Tommy, I'm scared. I don't like the mean aliens.

Don't worry, Han. Just pretend it's a big game, a game that we're gonna win.

Just think about how little they are. Little and deadly.

[Art] What do we do now? We figure out their weakness.

They flew here from another galaxy. You really think they have a weakness?

First rule of the warrior code— All enemies have a weakness.

Sparks, why isn't my locator map up and running?

I told you. I need parts to repair it. You're not helping—

[Electrical Surge] [Yells]

Aha! Even on Earth, the male is dominant. Ah.

[Grunting] [Tazer] Aha. Oh.

Wait. Ah. But the female always wins.

What the...

By the rings of Zirkon.

Huh? That makes no sense.

They were fighting. Now their lips are hugging?

I would never. Never.

Ne-ver. Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I get you anything? A cold drink? Some snacks? Hmm?

Or would you rather help me invade a planet? [Grunts]

All right, recon's my specialty. I'm going up.

I'm coming with you. Tom, be careful.

[Squeaking] Enemy... apprehended.

[Clears Throat] I'll interrogate. Ah!

[Crunching] [Rat Squeaks]

[Belches] [Both Groan]

Ah. Disgusting. What? Seriously, what?

Locator activated, sir.

Excellent. Target the objective.

Zoom in. Zoom.

Zoom. Zoom, zoom, zoom.

[Sparks] You don't have to keep saying "zoom." Zoom. Zoom.

And... rotate.

[Tom] I think they're after something in the house.

Let me get a better look. Stop.

[Yells, Grunts] Rotate. Ah. The basement.

Tom, help me! Ah.

[Both Yelling]

That must have hurt. [Groans]

Basement. We gotta get to the basement.



Oh. Hey, guys, wait. Have you guys seen Ricky?

Uh, pretty sure he's still hanging around here somewhere.

Actually, Beth, uh— He didn't leave, did he?

No, no. He, um— He told us he was heading back to the lake, uh, to, bronze up his rock-hard abs.

Yeah, he wants you to meet him there. Wait.

What did you guys talk about on the roof?

Did he say anything about me?

No. No, no. He— He talked about his car.

And, um— But pre-pretty much just his car.

Um, but you should hit the lake so he doesn't think you're blowing him off.

Yeah, the lake. Over there. It's probably good there.

I'm telling you, their map led down here. You positive?

Shh. You hear that? Rice Krispies.

[Popping, Crackling]

[Popping, Crackling Continue]

[Crackling] What is that?

[Crackling Continues]

It's them.

Something down here's setting it off.

Well, whatever it is, we can't let 'em get to it.

Everyone, gear up. We move on my command.

Now, just hold on.

If we run up there with a bunch of random junk, we're gonna get creamed.

We can make something better.

We're in the middle of a battle, and you wanna play science fair?

No way. We're going back in now... before our parents end up as alien zombies.

You're not thinking. We need a plan.

I already have a great idea for a weapon. Really?

[Chuckles] Let's go.


Hannah, hand me that tape.

What's up, Nate? [Lee] Hey, guys!

[Art] Hey, Nana! Who wants a treat?

[Laughs] Whoo. That's a lot of tools to try to fix the TV.


They're busting through. The warrior code says strike first.

Art, cover me. With the rake?


How do you feel now? Suckers!

Mission accomplished.

Oh, God.

Oh— Crud.

[Laughs] It's a dud.


What the— Whoa!

Whoa! What's happening? Why are we floating?

They turned off the gravity, like in Halo.

This isn't Xbox, Lee. It's real. Like Wii.

[Lee] Now what are we gonna do? [Art] I don't know.

Stay behind me.

No! Don't! Don't! [Lee] There's no gravity.

Hello, hu-mans. [Laughs]

Enjoying the ride?

[Grunts, Yells]

[Art] They have gravity boots.

[Lee] Why don't we have gravity boots? "They have gravity boots."

[Jake] The door! Stop 'em! Use your weapon, Tom!

Bring it, meat sack. [Jake] Today!

A potato gun? That's your big idea?

My plan is working. My plan. You mean my plan.

Hurry, Tommy!


[Grunts, Coughing]

[Coughing Continues]

Ooh. [Yelps]

[Coughing] You okay? I'm fine. The door.

On it.

Jake, get the grenade!

Ah. Hurry!

Quick! Toss it here!

What? [Yells, Grunts] Oh!

[Screams] Sock Monkey.

Oh! Ha!

You little— Quick! Get 'em!

Go! [Grunts]

[Art] Shoot him! Shoot him! [Lee] Go, go, go!

[Art] Shoot him! Ouch! Ow! Ouch again!

Buttocks on fire! [Panting]

Whoa. That's the thing they used to control Ricky.

Whoa! [Beeps]

Oh, cool. Let me see it. Oh, nice action on the toggles.

Wait. What are these? Give it back. Let me see.

I picked it up first. [Back Cracks] Give it back.

It's mine. Hey, hey, hey, guys. This is not a toy. It's real.


[Jake] Ricky? Yep.

Get him before somebody finds him. I'll stand alien watch.

I'm sure that'll buff right out. [Laughs]

Wonder where he went.

Oh, I'll find him. [Beeps, Whirring]



Cool. So these move him. And these... operate the arms.

Talk about the ultimate Game Boy. [Slapping]

[Laughing] What does that big button do?

Whoa! What the— My car! [Beeps]

That would be the on-and-off button.

Press it again. [Beeps]


Who did this to my car? You did, you giant idiot.

[Beeps] [Bethany] Ricky!

Where have you been? [Beeps]

Oh, shut up, you little b— Bethany.

What? Ah!

Why are you hitting me? Why are you being such a jerk?

Huh? Revenge is so sweet.

I just spent the last hour walking around the lake. Where were you?

Uh— l— That's what I thought.

No. L-I don't know. [Laughs]

Want me to bring him back? Babe, please don't be mad at me.

[Bethany] Did your brain fall out of your head? Let him suffer.

Where's Ricky? Taken prisoner by the aliens?

No. Worse. My sister.

Any action up here?

It's been quiet. Too quiet.

[Thumping] [Skip] No talking in here. Got it?

What are they doing in the vents?

Their map. That's how they'll get to the basement. What do we do?

I hope this works, Einstein.

I didn't get to thank you for pulling me to safety back there, because I didn't need you to.

Uh, that doesn't make sense. I don't like you.

Shh. Stop talking. Good to know. Okay.

[Grunts] Hmm?

Hmm. Sweating?

[Sizzles] [Grunts] Hot! Ah!

Hot! Hot! Hotter! Run!

[All Yelling]

Fall back! Fall back! Ouch! Ouch!

[All Yelling]

Sounds like they're mad. [Yelling]

Nice job. I think it's working.

[Stuart] Kids, get down here right now!

Who turned on the heat?

I did. Um, we need that on.

Are you crazy? It's July.

Yeah, but it's... it's freezing in here. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, Arctic.

Yeah. I think Hannah's coming down with something.


What's going on?

We're fighting aliens. I'm pretending it's pretend.

I mean, it is pretend.

Okay, but I'm not pretending, so don't touch the thermostat.

Tom, I'm not playing around. Neither am I.

Tom, I'm not kidding. You wanna spend the rest of the week in your room?

Why can't you at least trust there's a reason I'm doing this?

A reason why you're blasting the furnace on summer vacation?

Yes. A reason why you shot your sister's boyfriend?

Yes. A reason why you're talking back, giving me attitude?

Failing your classes? So that's what this is about?

I failed them on purpose.

Yeah, I tanked my grades, okay?

I'm tired of getting picked on because I'm a brainiac.

I was a brainiac. It worked for me.

I don't wanna be like you. I wanna be cool.

Don't touch the thermostat.

Is that true? You really fail on purpose?

Nobody likes a mathlete.

Man, we can't fight these things with our parents around.

We can’t just get rid of 'em.

Maybe we can. Here's what I want you to do.

Send it.

I hate it when we fight. Aw, I can't fight someone as cute as you.

Well, I'm glad we made up.

Well, it's not an official make-up without the make-up kiss.

Easy. My family's up there. And your family's crazy about me.

What about you? Well, you know I like you.

And we have the whole summer ahead of us.

Maybe we don't have to go so fast.

What? What?


Is that a "no"?


Careful. Don't break him. Ricky!

Better grab his shirt. Ricky!

[Lee] Still no sign of 'em.

Where are they? Two options.

We're dealing with a retreat or a surprise attack.

[Laughs, Snarls]

[Gasps] Surprise attack.

Hey, where's Tom? I thought he was gonna help you.

So did I. [Ricky] Bad news.

The leasing office called.

They need you to go back there before they close for the holidays.

Really? Problem with the contract.

They insisted.

Ricky, are you okay?

Oh, um— Um— Just allergies, Mr. P. Just allergies, Mr. P.

But they did say it's urgent.

Urgent? Ah. Okay, I'll call and I'll sort this out.

That's so weird.

Oh, this is weird, Stu. I think the phone's dead.

Did they just cut off our power?

Oh, they are gonna hear about it from me.

Let's go. We are going down there right now.

Hey, guys, uh, we can use some more beer, some chips.

Why don't you run to the grocery store? I'll fire up the grill.

And watch the kids? Okay, whatever. [Chuckles]

No. No.

I mean, you all have to go.

They said all your names are on the lease. [Ricky Repeating Tom]

I'll look after the kids. I don't know if that’s a good idea.

[Nina] No. That'd be... Well, l— I guess I could drive.

Oh. Um— Okay.

Okay. Oh, and, Mr. P, while you're out, can you get me some adult diapers?

Mine are almost full. Mine are almost full.

That is a bad allergy. Oof.

[Ricky] Super absorbent.

Look. Alien death mist. Don't breathe.

Put him on "pause." [Beeps]


Happy Fourth of July, space maggots.

Jake, there's smoke in the vents.

It's me. We have unfriendlies on the move. I tracked them down and held 'em off.

Nice. Parents?

Gone. Nice.

Now we can take it up a notch.

[Firecracker Lands] [Explosion]

[Aliens Screaming, Shouting]

This could get ugly. Hannah, go hide.

Yeah. Seek safety. Not you.

Incoming! Duck!

[All Shouting]

[Jake] Sayonara, suckers!

Oh— Crud.

[Screaming, Shouting]

My arm! My head! They got me!

[Footsteps Running] Go, go, go, go!

[Groaning] I'm starting to see why the last engineer...

[Screams] [Thud]

[Screaming] [Screaming]

[Groans] [Panting]

I see you've booby-trapped your room.

Got it. Got it. Ooh! Don't got it!

Ingenious human snare.


Ow. [Grunts]


[Slams Drum] Oh, wow. I thought I was clumsy.

It's okay. Don't worry. I come in peace.

It's okay. I'll help you.

Don't worry. Trust me. It's okay.


Oh. Ow. Oh.

You've got a boo-boo. Don't move.


Okay? Thank you.

Tazer. Razor.

Sparks. Sparks!

[Groans] He's critical to mission.

[Tones Sounding]

Nice sounds. It's music.

[Slides Over All Keys] Ooh, music. I try?


[Rock And Roll]


We've definitely slowed 'em down, but those buggers adapt fast.

We need to pull out the big guns.

Black Cat Whistler or Fire Dragon?

How about not burning down the house?

[Hannah, Sparks Laughing]

[Sparks Chattering, Gasps]

[Jake] He's armed! Enemy armed!

Hannah, step away from the alien.

No! Leave him alone! He's my friend.

He was just holding a ray gun to your head.

It's my bubble blower. He fixed it for me.

He's not like the others. Look.

First sign of aggression, I'm taking him out... with extreme prejudice.

I don't have training for this. No training.

It's okay, Mr. Snuggle Lump. Snuggle Lump?

Yeah, that's what I named him. My name Sparks.

He's not your pet, Hannah. He's a freakin' alien. [Shudders]

He's my alien.

Hi. [Gasps]


I mean— [Groans]

Maybe she's right.

I mean, look at his belt. I think those are tools.

Hey, it's okay, buddy. We just want to talk to you.

Come on, Snugs.

Back up.

Uh— Oh.

Watch. [Hum Resonating]


[Lee] Awesome. [Art] How does he do that?

[Laughter Continues]


What the heck was that?

Talking about feelings comes with the territory when you have a girlfriend.

There is no loophole for that one!

Okay. Okay, I get it.

You're not gonna talk when I'm yelling. I'm sorry. It's not mature of me to shout.

Look, I am so, so happy being your girlfriend.

But if you really care about me the way that I care about you, then it shouldn't be a problem to give me the time that I need.

Maybe you need to think about it.

And I can respect that. Okay? Take all the time that you want.

[Exhales] I'll be here, ready to talk.

With you.


So-So that's how it is?

I'm getting the silent treatment? Who is in high school now?


Whoa. Whoa. Why are you trying to kill us?

What's the invasion plan? [Jake] What's your weakness?

Water? Earth germs?

Women? Are there more of you coming?

[Jake] We need the information. L— Guys, don't be mean.

Han, we have to interrogate him.

Do you want the world to end? Do ya?



[All] Whoa.

House here. Mission objective here.

What you're after isn't in the basement. It's under the basement.

[Sparks] Yes. What are you trying to steal from our planet?

Who says it's from our planet? Look at that thing. It looks alien to me.

It must be from their planet.

Mmm. [Gulps] Yeah. Planet Fruitcake.

[Sparks Groans] [Art] Whatever it is, it's huge.


Almost done.

[Tom] So, that's what's in the capsule? Ah.

Some kind of giant machine?

Oh, great. A giant alien death machine.

No one said anything about death. I doubt it's a photocopier.

Come on! We can't trust this four-armed freak. He's one of them.

He's not.

This guy doesn't fit in with the others.

He's... different.

Mmm. Great. A geek alien.

Jake, he's not a geek.

It's better than a killer alien.




Buenas noches, wrinkles.

[Stuart] Oh, this is ridiculous.

[Sighs] Well, this sucks.

Modified. Whoa.


Sweet. [Siren Chirps]

[Sparks Imitating Chirps]

[Chirping] Sorry. Huh?

[Siren Wails]

It's the po-po. Be cool. Be cool?

[Nana Knocking] Open up!

Oh, crap. We forgot about Nana.

Open the door! Hold on. Hannah, quick. Hide your alien.

Open the door now! Snugs.

Get in!

Hold on a second.

Children of my children, I request entry.

I have candied sweets.

Don't open it. That's not Nana.

Are you sure?

[Growls] Yeah, I'm sure.

Surrender Engineer Sparks now.

Nana— Nana— Out of my way, Earth children!

Move! Nana, don't make me hurt you.

Nana, uh—



Return him to me.

[Jake] Tom, do something!

[Skip Gasps, Screams]


Ew. Gross human. [Doorbell Ringing]

Someone's gotta get the door.

We can't let the cops in here. It's too dangerous. Here's Nana!

Hey! Leave my Nana alone! Silence, squeaky-voiced human child!


I got Nana's controller!

Free me! Free me, or face the consequence!

In here. You don't trap me! I trap you! Why, you— Shake all you want. We own you. [Grunting]

The suitcase! Go!

[Karate Yell]

Ha! You missed me.

Stand still, Earth burgers! [Gasping]

Ha! Got him!

[Hannah] Don't let 'em take Snuggle Lump!

[Lee] Art, wait!

[Tazer] Shoot him! Shoot the humans! [Jake] Incoming!

[Tazer] Shoot 'em up! [Jake] Hit the deck!

You lose. [Razor] Zirkon forever!

I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm sorry. They got him.

Sweet, huh? Very nice.

This is the Creek Landing Sheriff's Department.

Open this door at once, or I will begin forcible entry... in 10, nine, eight, seven, six... You guys get rid of the cop. I'm going after the aliens.

Five, four— We can't leave him up here. Two, one.

I don't know how much you kids know about penal codes, but making phone calls with the intent to annoy or harass is a serious offense.

It's called criminal mischief. And it could mean six months in jail.

911 is for emergency calls only.

Any misuse of this system compromises this county's... Oh, weapons.

Only line of defense, and that's me.

Around here, I am the law.

Literally, I'm the only one. My deputy's on maternity leave.

Look, Sheriff, we told you we're sorry. It won't happen again.

So, really, you can leave now. We'll be good.

Oh, I can leave? Okay, we got the whole problem solved.

Hey, what's that there? [Device Beeping]

Squadron, come in. Come in. Do you have Sparks?

No. Ah! Is there any job you two can't screw up?

[Groans] Come in!

I'm sorry. I apologize. That was uncalled for.

You're still trapped in that box, aren't you? Yes, I am.

Step aside, young man. No need for that.

It's just my sister's robot dog. It's sound activated. Right, Han?

Right. It's not an alien.


You know what? I'm gonna take a look inside that chest, so please step aside.

[Horn Honking]

It's the po-po. Be cool.

One hour. We're gone one hour. What happened? What'd you kids do?

Hi. Nina Pearson. Are you kids okay?

Is everything okay? [Sheriff] No, ma'am.

I'd say making a fraudulent call to 911 about an alien invasion is most definitely not okay.

You called 911? [Nate] Come on, buddy.

I'm sure you can let these kids off with a warning. Look at 'em.

One, not your buddy.

Two, notice that your vehicle is missing a front license plate.

Three, how about I write you up a ticket? How about you don't?

Nate, stop talking.

You people usually leave your children unsupervised like this?

No. No, not at all. We had to go into town to the leasing office.

They shut our power off.

[Sheriff] Looks all right to me.

[Nina] Sheriff, I know this isn't something to be taken lightly, but honestly, they are really good kids.

Why don't you stay and see for yourself? We're barbecuing.

Join us. Mom— Thank you, ma'am. I'd like to, but I am on duty.

Look. The kids made a big mistake. And I assure you, Tom will be punished.

But my wife is right. We got plenty of great food. Why don't you stick around?

I know you're on the job, but there's no law against a home-cooked meal.

Got lots of hot dogs, hamburgers, steaks and—

[Tazer] Hmm.


[Growls] [Neck Muscles Crack]

I have to admit, it has been a while.

All right. Arm successfully twisted. [Stuart] Great.

I guess an hour off won't kill anyone.

No. [Laughs]


Hey! Huh? [Grunts]

[Laughs] Oh.

What was that?

What was what? I don't know. I felt something.

Come on, everyone. Dinner. Let me help you with the bags.

Inside. I've got the desserts.


You're going down, punk! You're going down, punk.

I just said that. I just said that.

Stop that. Stop that.


You've been punked. [Laughs]

Hail Zirkonia. [Grunts] Ow!

Okay, now hold on, Mom. I'm not following. Now, what happened?

One moment I'm cleaning my chompers, and then the next thing you know, I'm down here.

[Nina] You know, you're entitled to a few senior moments at your age.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I forgot. Did you want cheese on your burger?

No. I want to find whoever invented love and hack him apart with a machete.

Boy trouble. That makes two of us.

I don't know what to do about this Tom situation. We have a guest. Happy face.

Hey, Nate, where's Jake? I have no idea.

[Stuart] Well, dinner's almost ready. How about you track him down?

Jake's an adult. If he wants to eat, he'll come down and get it.

Oh, sorry. That will raise welts.

Excuse us. No. Pardon me. Oops. Watch your head.


I tell you, there's nothing more American than a charred chunk of meat... hittin' your stomach. [All Chuckle]

I bought the pickles. Oh, really?

If you think a dill spear is gonna get you out of that ticket, it's a no-go, mister.

[Skip Growling]


Uh— My stomach. I'm starving.

[Art] Any word from Jake? Still no signal.

Where is he? Hey, boys. None of that at the table.

Right, Nate? They're playing with their phones.

[Stuart] Oh, yeah. Slap it on.

Hey, Hannah, did you eat all the hot dogs?

No. [Sparks Belches]

I mean, yes.

[Sheriff] Gotta tell ya, this sure beats eating ramen noodles in my squad car... every day by myself. [Growls]

[Tazer] Comfortable up there, Earth boy?

[Razor] Hope so. Enjoy some dirt in your face.

[Muffled] Help!

Attention, all. Resistance is futile. Give me what I need.

Oh, baby. I knew you'd come back.

Step aside, hormonal female.

Wait. You're calling me hormonal?

Back away. You are irrelevant to my mission.


I don't care how old you are. You can't talk to me like that!

What is going on?

Teen drama. L-I think.

It is teen drama, right, Ricky?

Snuggles! [Lee] Turn him off.

It's not me. [Hannah] Snuggles!

Let's move. Bring Nana. Whoa, whoa. Freeze.

You kids have not been excused. [Beeps]

Let them go!

We're playin' a game, Uncle Stu— I mean, Stu.

We're on vacation. Am I aging backwards?

Yeah, I don't think so. You really want to deny me my time with the kids?

[Sighs] Wow. Guilt never gets old. Well, go ahead.

I think we oughta keep Mom out of the pinot grigio.


You have lost. And now the invasion shall begin.

Invasion? You mean there's more of you guys coming?

Many more. And we will crush you like bugs.

Not if we crush you first. I will not be beaten by children.

Any more signs of resistance, and the one you call Jake will be eliminated.

I want Snuggle Lump back! That's it.

Time to die.

[Whirs, Beeps] Richard?

You remember Nana.

Game on.

Game over. [Knuckles Cracking]


Whoa! What was that move? Double right-thumb click with a left-panel twist.

Chinese get up!

[Growls] [Object Rattling]

He's on the light! Send Nana after him!

Nana! Lee! Flying's your specialty.


Ooh. Take him out, Lee.

Thumb cramp. Thumb cramp! Give it to me.

[Glass Shatters]

[Ricky Screams]

Ricky? What the—




Yes, scream, human, for your species ends tonight.


What the heck was that thing?

Space alien. Too much to explain.

We think they're probably here to destroy the world as we know it.

If we don't get down there, we're gonna be in real trouble.

[Nina] I'd say that's the understatement of the century.

Mom? Are you okay? [Remote Beeps]

What— What happened? How— How did I get— Oh, I need a glass of water. Uh— Okay. Somebody better start talking.

It looks like you guys had a battle royal in here.

We did. Nana versus Ricky. Not now, Hannah.

Dad, it's not what it looks like. All of you, upstairs, now.

But, Uncle Stu, it wasn't our fault. Now.

Get up.

Okay, unless you wanna join them, you better spill it.

What the heck happened in here?

I haven't got a clue as to what happened, but my back hasn't felt this good in ages.

[Stuart] Mom? Mom? Where you goin'?


Build machine... now.

No. [Grunts]

[Screams] [Laughs]

[Tom] I'm sorry, guys.

It's over.

Over? It better not be over.

Ricky is down in the basement with that... space rodent.

You don't get it. An entire fleet of those guys are about to invade.

Well, man up and deal with it.

I have been... all day.

Well, if he's too scared, maybe you guys can help me.

Not without Tom. Why?

'Cause he's our leader.

Come on. It's not just Ricky. Jake needs your help too.

And Snuggles.

And, like, everyone on Earth, including our parents.

All right.

Let's go save the planet.

And your dumb old boyfriend.

You want Monkey? He's good luck.

I'm fine. [Banging]

[Tom] Stay close.

They could be anywhere.



[Grunts] It's Jake!

Those Zirkonians... They tied me up and dragged Snuggles outside.

This vacation really sucks.

You see the machine? Yeah. You were right. It was sent here years ago.

Some idiot built this place smack on top of it.

Guys? Guys, I found Ricky.

He's waking up. Where in the heck am I?

Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're okay.

Whoa! Don't touch me!


Stop. Okay, okay.

I know it's been a really weird day, but you have to let me explain.

Okay. Okay.

Explain to me why I keep blacking out, why I'm bleeding... and why your grandma did a flying ninja kick on my face down the stairs.


We're fighting, um, space aliens.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, they're small, but dangerous and— and really scary.

Oh, no. Of course. I believe you. Why wouldn't they be?

Why do you want to waste our time playing hide-and-seek and kill the aliens... with your stupid brother and your dumb little cousins?

Don't talk about my family like that.

Well, you don't have to worry about it anymore 'cause we're done.

I knew I should have stayed home and hooked up with Annie Filkins.

She's smokin' hot, and she doesn't like talking about feelings all the time.

I'm goin' straight to Annie's.


I'm really sorry.

Don't be. You were right all along.

If it's any consolation, he's not going straight to Annie's.

Or anywhere for a while.


Guys? Enough of this sibling bonding. We're at DEFCON 1 here.

[Whirring, Beeping]

Go. Go! Rookie.

[Art] Oh, my God. They're forcing him to build it.

Build what? How do you take over the world with that thing?

I really don't want to find out. We gotta stop them before their fleet arrives.

Fleet? This is just the advance team.

We have to rescue Snuggle Lump. Snuggle what?

Lump. The foreign fella. He's on our side.

The other three... not so much.

This is so not happening. We gotta get out there. Let's move.

Not so fast. I have a plan. Work with me here. Did Nana give anyone Mentos?

Why? Hand 'em over!

What, we're gonna throw candy at them? No.

My own little science project.

Mentos bomb. You're a genius.

You shouldn't do this.

Humans friendly. Whoa! [Skip] Incoming!

[Tazer] In my eyes!

[Jake] Let's get 'em! [Tom] Move!


Snuggles! Traitor.

Release me. Never mess with a girl who just got dumped.

He's out cold.

You! Get off my planet, you little green son of a—

[Shouts, Groans]

[Machine Whirring]



How do you feel now? Weakness... We found their weakness!

It's their own death ray. Yes!

Bad. Not sweet. So not sweet.

Hey! Humans. [Hannah] Hey, listen.

The machine molecule expands. Machine make commander big.


Who's little now, Earth maggots?

Pretty cool, huh? You're gonna need a bigger potato.

It's over. I win.

[Art] Where's he going? Anywhere he wants.

What about Mommy and Daddy? [Bethany] Tom will figure it out.

[All Chattering]

Everyone, listen. We don't have much time.

Sparks, can anything go on that machine? Theoretically.

Good. Art, Lee, I'm gonna need a controller.

Bethany, I need you to keep the other aliens on lockdown. Okay.


Jake, come on.

This battle's not over yet. Awesome.


Cool. He super-sized it.

You are one ugly alien.

[Banging] [Grunts]

He may be ugly, but he's mine.

You don't know when to quit, do you?

We need a clean shot at his neck. I'm goin' up.

Ow! You broke my nail! I don't care.



Ah! Oh, my gosh. They're beacons.

He's calling the invasion.

[Stuart] Wow.

[Stuart] Unbelievable. [Nana] Look at this.

God bless America. Now that's what I call a patriot act.

It's not bad, but it's nothin' compared to this.

Whoa, whoa. Those are category-three pyrotechnics you got there.

I suppose that's another ticket.

Light 'em up. Let's put that guy to shame.

I got it! Tom! Tom, I found it.

Get him to turn around!

Hey! Down here, you prehistoric space scum!

[Sheriff] Ooh. [Stuart] Nice one, Nate.

That was awesome! Those things only cost $ 1.99. Can you believe it?

I don't think that's you, Nate. What is that?

It's them. They'll all be coming soon.

Open your eyes, people.

There's only one answer... meteor shower.

Oh, that's right. I heard on the radio. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Screams] [Groans]

[Grunts] Is that all ya got?

[Grunts] Hey. Come on!

Tom! Take the shot!

Shoot him! His collar's still in the way.

Look out! The ugly one got big! [Groaning]

Hurry. Do it, Tom! Fifty yards.

Angle equals one-half arc sine of gravity times distance over velocity squared.

Forty-five degrees.

What was that?


You messed with the wrong mathlete.

Yes. Get him away from him.

Commander. Hey, wait a second.

Take that.

Puny humans, is that all you have? Whoa, he's good.

No, you don't.

You see that?

Sparks! Reverse the machine.


[Tazer Laughs] [Beeping]

Too easy. Uh—

Nothing's working. Give it to me.


Crude. But effective.

That was awesome. [Laughs]

Reversed. Tommy, he's done.


You came back for me. Let's go.

We can hug lips on Zirkon.

Whoa! [All Gasp]

[Hannah] Bethany!

Hannah, are you okay? Yeah.

[Jake] Over here. Did you guys see that? Great job, Hannah.

Snugs was great. So were you guys. Tom, what about the others?

There's so many.


Retreat. Retreat. The machine is destroyed.

We have been outsmarted by the humans.

The invasion has failed. Retreat to Zirkon right away.

Retreat. Retreat.


[Tom] Whoa.

He's gone.

It's over. It's all over.

We won.

Thanks, Snugs, for everything.

You're all right for a space maggot. I'm gonna miss you.

Miss him? He's staying here, with us.

Please don't go. You can be a part of our family.


Han, I think he's already got a family.

My family.

[Sighs] Good-bye, Hannah.

[Stuart] Hey.


Listen, about your grades— Dad, let me save you a lecture.

You were right, and I was wrong.

Turns out there are advantages to being smart.

I'm sorry.

I had this really great lecture planned.

Even rehearsed it in front of the mirror.

Did you see the meteor shower?

Yeah. Yeah, it was life-changing.

Nice cast, Nana. Hey.

Whoa, whoa! Got a bite. Got a bite. [Fishing Line Pulling]

Oh, yeah. Come on. [Laughs]


[Grunts] [Caws]


[Woman] You're out of this world, I'm sure

[Doorbell Chimes]

Annie! Ricky, I thought you were at your lake house.

Vacation ended early. These are for you. You're so sweet.

Hey, you're my girlfriend now.

So there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Now give papa some— Hoo-hoo-hoo! Ladies.

It's girls' night out. But, hey, you should come...

If you like dancing. Dancing?

[Device Beeps] You ain't even seen dancing— Till you've seen funky Ricky.



Wedgie time.


I think he's hungry.


Turn him off.

Ricky, you're acting really weird.

What are you talking about? [Gasps]

Okay, now back on.

[Both Gasp]


[Loud Groaning]

I am so keeping this.

[Loud Groaning] Why?

[Woman] Hey, so strange You switched in front of me Hey, you've changed Not like you used to be

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world Hey, you're just talking like a machine Hey, I'm stuck on everyone in between

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world You're out of this world I'm sure of it A crazy intuition You're off and on You're here, then gone Come back A curious condition And then you switch right over It's weird Yeah, I know But just can't get a hold of myself Hey, so strange You switched in front of me Hey, you've changed Not like you used to be

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world Hey, you're just talking like a machine Hey, I'm stuck on everyone in between

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world You're out of this world I'm sure of it A little more than different And you keep lacking lacking concern for it It's you that I am missing And then you switch right over It's weird Yeah, I know But just can't get a hold of myself Hey, so strange You switched in front of me Hey, you've changed Not like you used to be

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world Hey, you're just talking like a machine Hey, I'm stuck on everyone in between

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world Wonder where you are How can I find you Staring at the stars falling behind you Across the universe Hope you'll be back soon I gotta find a planet for me I'll rearrange it

Hey, so strange you switched in front of me Hey, you've changed Not like you used to be

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world Hey, you're just talking like a machine Hey, I'm stuck on everyone in between

'Cause you get in my head and hold my heart When I'm here, you're there We're worlds apart So reverse your words back to the start and switch back to my world

Here comes the magic. Take two.


Whoa, whoa! Crazy girl.


You think Brittany... You think Bethany got— To make a phone call with the intent to annoy or harass...


You mean, other than the fact that he's good-looking, sweet— Smart, sensitive— Oh, gosh.

Good-looking, smart, sensitive, romantic— I said he was smart.

[Engine Grinding]

Come on. We're only a stone's away... throw away...


Hey, I bought us all new side-stab— Anti-rapers— Can't you get somebody else for this role? [Director] Action.

[People Laughing]

You are floating. [Smacks Face]


Cool it. You could have poked my eye out.

Liberty Lions, come on, come on!

Ricky Dillman is a big moron!


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