All About Steve (2009) Script

All About Steve

#Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

# My face to the sky #

# Dreaming aboutjust how high I could go #

# And if I'll know when I finally get there #

# Taking off my glasses #

# Sun pokes through my lashes #

# Somehow I know #

# There's a time for every star to shine #

# Everybody got their something #

# Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #

# Everybody got their something #

# Everybody got their something #

# Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

# People keepin'score #

# Better hurry up and get yours #

- # Somebody else got your spot # Buongiorno.

# Before you even dropped #

# Seek and you shall find #

# Everything in my own sweet time #

# I'll take my chances with what I believe is only-#

# Busy Love song #

# Like a butterfly #

# Believe if you hand it over you'll come out #

# All right #

# Yeah #

# Everybody got their something #

# Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #

# Everybody got their something #

- # Everybody got their something # # Yeah-ah #

# Yeah-ah-ah-ah #

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ##

I'll be there in about 10 minutes.

Excuse me.

- Sorry. I know, girl.

Right? The party was amazing atJasmine's last night.

Girl, everybody was there.

If you want to seal the deal with a guy, you need a short skirt and sexy panties.

Oh. Hold on. Uh, is Soloman here?

Oh, he's in the back, baby.

Anyway- Yeah, you wanna go out with us tonight?

Mexicans traditionally have supplied the world with tacos-


Eight down? Oh. Uh, uh, that would be Bora-Bora.

It's a tough one. Don't punish yourself.

Please say yes. Please say yes.

- Please say yes. Oh, hey, Mary.

Hello, sir.

Um, I have an idea.

Do you have next week's crossword?

Indeed I do, but better yet...

I have many and a brilliant plan.

Instead of doing just one crossword per week, I could go daily.

I could do five per week- I'm sorry... but we just don't have space for that kind of content.

I know, but, sir, the crossword... is everyone's favorite part of the newspaper.

And we could be just like the New York Times... where the puzzle gets harder as the week goes.

So on Monday, a day that traditionally bites the big one-

This isn't the New York Times. We're a local paper.

Our readers just wanna have fun. Oh.

Oh! Well, sir, if fun is what they want... then Mary Horowitz has their fun.

Ta-da! For Saint Patty's Day.

Top o' the morning to ya.

Leprechaun. - Wonderful. You guys are such a beautiful couple.

Congratulations, man.

I know. Who would have ever thought?

Mary. Yes?

Do you ever stop working long enough to, you know, like, go out?

Mm-mmm. Uh, spend time with friends?

Nope. Go on a date?

Mm-mmm. Oh. Uh, well, I have a- a date this evening, sir.

Oh? Yes. A-A blind one.

My parents set it up. So I was obviously going to cancel.

Go on out on your date.

You know, have some fun with him, and-

Have you moved back into your apartment?

Uh, no. Still fumigating.

But I'm just waiting for the chemicals to settle... so I don't get the- the old brain cancer.

Though if I don't move out of my parents' home soon, I'll be forced to get a lobotomy.

So it's brain cancer, lobotomy, brain cancer- Mary.

Mary, less work, more of everything else.

Just enjoy being normal.

Martin, I need that feature on the pumpkin shortage.

Is it ready?

Be normal.


# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

In life, as in crosswords... some days are harder than others... and that's what keeps your brain alive.

The key to surviving those tough days is to pick yourself up... and stay focused on your life's purpose.

For me, that's imparting thejoy of crosswording to all mankind.

Ah, crosswording... the most spectacular fun a person can have without passing out.

I like your protective ensemble.

Bunker gear, if you will.

So, if these kids set you on fire, you're good to what- 300 degrees?

If I survive this- Phew!

I'm supposed to go on a blind date tonight.

Yeah. Steve.

Steve. Yeah. His mother probably thinks he's gay.

So, my parents are no doubt pimping me out to test his sexuality. Thanks.

But I'm- I'm- I'm gonna cancel.

Yeah. I mean, wouldn't you?

Yeah? Though I-I could use a little- if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah. Been a long time.

Mary Horowitz.

Yes. Yes. That is-That's me.

Here's a treat, students.

Miss Mary Horowitz is the crossword constructor for the Sacramento Herald.

You know the crossword puzzles that you see each week in the newspaper?

Well, it's her job to create them.

Isn't that fun?

Ladies and gentlemen... people do crossword puzzles all the time... but they don't often think of the person who made all the words fit together.

Crossword constructors have above-average intelligence... and it helps if they can spell.

Okay. Um-

Okay. That's good.

Imagine, if you will, a world.

A world- Daniel. You have a question.

You make a living doing that?


One puzzle a week can't make you enough to live on.

How do you pay your rent?

Oh, uh-

Well, my parents have graciously permitted me to bunk at their abode...

- while my apartment is being fumigated. You live with your parents?

Temporarily, yes, I live at home.

But, then again, so do all of you. So there. Now-

You don't have a husband, do you? Or a boyfriend.

Kids, come on.

No. Not-Not at- Not at this time.

Though I have had liaisons.

# Soon Yi was a pilot in the nationally known #

# Amazing ladies of the outer ozone #

# She didn't have no kids She didn't have no time #

# She was a woman ofher word She was a fighter of crime #

# She looked good in a hat She had a natural way #

- # With tools and no car# Shoot.

- # She went to UCLA# No, no, no, no, no.

Hi. I often suffer from benign positional vertigo.

Do you mind not driving until I can get my-

Okay. Okay. All right.


# And I don't know why life #

# It seems to be #

# So hard for dreamers #

# Like you and me ##

Mary? How'd it go?

Smashing success.

Or as they say in old Paris, coup de maître, meaning "masterstroke. "

- Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs and, uh, get ready. - Good.

Oh. So you're going ahead with the date?

Yes. Of course.

Look how excited I am. Better get going... if I'm gonna fall in love and get proposed to... register at Barnes and "Normal"... have a beautiful wedding with an accordion band and little, tiny... plastic bride and groom on top of a cake, posing like this.

I'm gonna go.

I just want her to be happy.


Go out and have some fun.

Mm-hmm. You ever wanna see any grandchildren... you're gonna have to burn those damn boots.

Carol, I have a date.

A blind one.

But... if this Steven is anything better than excessively hideous...

I think we really should try and make it work.

Because, if society wants me to be normal... then normal we shall be, right?


Oh, and, Carol, I really would appreciate your support on this too.

And by "support," I don't mean that.


Knock, knock, knock.

Oh. Look at you.

Already have- repeatedly.

Mar. He's hot.

Please don't mean on the inside.

- I'm a cameraman for CCN- Mm-hmm?

- a news program. We don't really watch-

- Work with a guy called Hartman Hughes. Ever seen him? - No. Can't say I have, but-

Hey, Mary. I'm Steve.

Carol. Carol, I bring news.

There's been a- There's been a most unexpected turn of events.

My date is substantially better looking than one might have predicted.

And you know what? Colin Powell once said, "There's no secret to success. "

Well... clearly he doesn't understand the power of spectacular skivvies.

There she is!

Oh, wow.

Nice boots.

Thank you.

You ready?


- So nice to meet you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's raining outside. Hold this. The door.

- Let me get that door for you. Thanks again.

Good luck. Shalom.

I have to admit, at first I wasn't so sure about this whole blind date thing... but now I'm surprised our parents didn't set it up earlier... especially knowing my mother.

Must be some kind of conspiracy.

Oop. You good?

Oh, he's so not gay.

Oh, man, it's coming down.

It's really coming down, huh?

I thought maybe we could go to, uh, Ernesto's.

They've got great tamales.

And they have this drink called, uh, "El Gallo Negro. "

It means "the black rooster. "

You have, like, two of those drinks, it's like you- -

Oh. You okay? You okay?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Wait, wait. What-What about-What about your parents?

What about my parents? Your mom.

Mmm. She's married, and you're not her type. Mmm.

No, I just mean- I just mean we're right in front of home.

Whoa. I just-

I just mean we're right in front of their house.

And I have no problem with that whatsoever.

Oh, Steven. Oh, Steven.

Is that Steven with a "V" or Stephen with a "P-H"?

It's with a "V." I thought so.

Yeah. Thought so. You know, There's over... a million Stevens with a- a "V" in the country.

It's much more popular than the "P-H" way. Twice as popular, in fact.

I think it was the Brits who prefer their P-H's.

Yeah. Not as much as their fish and chips. -

Steven, we really should commend our mothers... for predicting our all-encompassing compatibility. - I got it.

I mean, we're-we're both professionally compatible... you in TV, and- and me in, uh-you know, in newspapers.

I'll help you. Also noticing we're both quite sexually compatible.

I don't know if you noticed like I noticed, but we're both wearing blue... and what are the chances of that? Ooh.

Okay? Yeah. Yeah.

Of course, the chances are probably pretty good- - given that blue is one of the most popular of the three colors.

Do you, uh- Do you like crosswords?

Sure I do.

Really? Yeah.

You know how when the perfect clue gets stuck in your brain... and it just explodes into this bouquet of mixed emotions?

I'm - I'm aroused. I'm intrigued. I'm a- I'm amused.

I'm perplexed. I'm I'm just like all these things. - Uh-huh.

Yeah? - Yeah. Can- Let's go back to the, uh- the aroused.

Okay. Okay. Wow. Steven. Whoa.

Oh. It's like we're two rare Earth elements... just brought together by the Norns.

It's just-That's Scandinavian for the Destinies. Oh.

And now I'm going to eat you like a mountain lion. -

You know what? I'm sorry.

It's my phone. What are you doing?

I didn't hear it ring. That's odd. Vibrate. It vibrated.

I didn't feel it. Oh, probably because of all the grinding.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll get over here. Yeah?

What? Yeah. What's up?

All right. I'm coming. Oh! Already?

Okay. Okay. I can hurry. I can hurry. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I- I gotta go to work.

- There's breaking news. Oh. Oh!

- Gosh, I'm so sorry. Well, it's-it's okay. It's-

I gotta go to, uh, Boston.

Wow. Boston, huh?

That's a spectacular city.

Known not only for its- its tea... but, uh, for Sam Morse, who invented the Morse code.

- Get out of here. Yes. Do you want some help?

No. You know, it's so- it'd be so much more interesting staying here and everything.

Like, I really wish you could be there.

- Life on the road sure is tough. Oh. I- I-

But you have a job to do.

Oh. He likes Twinkies.

Okay. It's been fun.

- Okay. That's for you. Oh. Gracias.


Thank God.

Okay. Big crazy person.

# You got me stuck to you You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you You got me stuck to you #

When I was a fledgling cruciverbalist- that means crossword constructor-

I would find comfort in the words of the learned crossword sages.

My hero was Manny Nosowsky... frequent New York Times contributor and all-around cruciverbal master.

Manny says that a crossword puzzle's greatness... can be determined by asking three simple questions:

- Is it solvable? Bonsoir!

# You got me stuck to you You got me stuck to you #

- Is it entertaining? # You got me stuck to you #

# You got me stuck to you You got me stuck to you #

Does it sparkle?

# You got me stuck to you #

# Clap hands Come on ##

Yes. Okay. So, lunch meeting at thatJapanese restaurant at 1:30, okay?

And I need to- I-This crossword is bullshit.

Anyway, he said he was gonna change, and I, for one, believe him, so-

This doesn't make any sense.

Well, to me, it does. Oh. Yeah. Of course.

This is lame. Have you tried six down?

These clues suck!

I can't get any of these!

Oh, thanks.

Don't even bother. I don't know what the deal is, but it looks like every single clue is-

"All About Steve"?

Steve's eye color. Steve's car odor.

Steve's lips taste like-

Mint explosion.

Mary, who's Steve?

Oh. An extraordinary- No, no. That's not what's important.

What's important is what you've done with this crossword puzzle. I mean, it's - it's -

It's inspired. No.

Romantic. No.

Oh, you're a tough one today. Let's see. Um-

It's unprofessional.

Un- No. That's not the word.

Um, okay. Let me think. You are-


You've tarnished the paper's reputation.

I mean, I really thought that you would've known better than to pull something like this.

Do you have any idea how many readers you've let down?

Uh, 7,402, but-

Mary. Yes?

Mary, we're gonna have to let you go.


I could make it up to you... by doing a fishing themed crossword.

I know how you love the- the piscatology.

I'm sorry.

We can, um-

Yeah, we'll just, uh-We'll-

I'll call you, and we'll just-

Police tell us that the chief suspect in the case is one Mr. Mark McLaglen.

Okay, guys. You're set.

Tucson's affiliate's on site now. Remote van's waiting for you at the airport.

Okay. But I get an Escalade, right?

Dan, we talked about this. Nick Vasquez gets an Escalade.

Nick Vasquez has six Emmys. Stolen from me.

- He was robbed, Dan. All six times. Thank you, Stevie.

I mean, he can't help it if he's considerably older than Vasquez.

By "older" he means experienced, Marlboro Man handsome.

Um, I'm pretty sure I meant old.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Whatever. Which one of you geniuses can explain this?

...little feller just needs to stiffen up.

With the two purple flowers-

I'd, uh, be happy to, Dan. Look at how the blue brings out my eyes.

Yeah. What I was going for here was- Oh, look at that smooth push-in.

Western motif, sort of the iconic flower.

Then I needed a backdrop, like a mountainous range. Boom! Two mountains.

In Hollywood, they call that a Mae West, 'cause Mae West had-

Keep talking, fellas. Keep talking your way right back to the Weather Channel.

Right back to 10 degrees in Buffalo... where you'll be spending most of your days taking close-up shots of kids' snotsicles.

Well, give us something good, Danny.

I mean- we're fighter pilots, man. Yeah, we really are.

It's like sending an F-16 to kill your neighbor's dog.

It's a waste of our energy.

And I need one big report, man, to get that anchor desk.

Get out of my office.

This is a big report, so don't screw it up with any more stupid pranks this time, Hartman.

And you, Angus, you're responsible for these guys.

Make sure they don't embarrass me in Tucson. They screw around, you're out.

Yes, sir. - Remember the Escalade.

Starling, how you doing? Whatever.

Jackie, looking sweet. Paula. In your dreams.

I can feel your love darts coming over this way.

Mom. I'm working. What's up? You're the man, Hartman Hughes.

No, I haven't read it. Why?

Uh, okay. Hey. Does anybody have a Sacramento Herald?

- Yeah. Right here. Right. Yeah, I got it.

Yes, I ate lunch. What section?

Oh, wow. This is all about me.

Wait. This is all about me.


Oh. Ow, ow, ow.

Doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt.

But obviously the gods have seen-

Where are you?

Ooh. Hi. There you are. Okay. Do you know what's at work here?

Pistas. Indicios. Anhaltspunkte.

Clues. They're just-They're-They're everywhere.

One, I was thinking of not going on the date, but then the good children... of, uh, Youngstrum Academy kindly- You know, they-they persuaded me to go.

Two, my date duly arrives.

And lo, not only is he, uh, muy caliente, but he likes my red boots.

Three, Steve says it would be great... if I could be on the road with him.

But, of course, I cannot because I have a job.

Four, only days later, I learn I no longer have a job... which is obviously just the final clue leading to the blindingly simple answer:

Onward, Mary Horowitz. Onward. Go be with Steve.

What do you mean you don't have a job?

Missing the point, Father. Uh, the clues have been deciphered. I must journey forth.

Journey forth where?

Father, you're making me crazy.

Ah. Voilà, Papa.

If it is news, Steven is there. Auf Wiedersehen.

This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.

Anybody seen Vasquez? Huh?

Anybody seen Vasquez? No.

Too much of a pussy to come to a dangerous hostage crisis.

Thirty seconds. - Just gonna bring you around on the left.

Well, I wanna open up on the dust, then we're gonna hit a 45 up to your right side.

All right. Steve, but I'm gonna indicate down the street. I'm gonna come around the left.

And right here. Ten seconds-you're on with Paula.

She still mad at you for giving thoseJenny Craig gift certificates?

And five, four- - Fact I was looking at her ass to begin with is a compliment.

Paula, I've just arrived at Wild Willy's Old Western Town... beloved tourist attraction in Tucson, Arizona.

On a typical day, this street would be busy... with families eager to enjoy the Wild West life experience.

Tragically, today, the man who plays Wild Willy the Outlaw... has taken his role to heart... and captured eight of his coworkers, taking them hostage... and holding them in the saloon... a mere 85 yards away from where I stand now.

Shots have been fired, Paula!

Let's go handheld, Steve!

It's unclear at this moment who the shot was intended for... or how many lives have perhaps been lost.

Okay. Breaking news, Paula.

We have our first confirmed kill: a horse.

One of many that live here at Wild Willy's Old Western Town.

First victim of this senseless tragedy.

It's at moments like this I'd like to believe that there's a heaven just for horses- rolling meadows, lush grasses... the spirits of deceased horses galloping to and fro.

Long may you roam... in heaven, O noble horse.

Not dead.

And yet, the horse not quite dead, Paula.

Not quite dead at all.

He's apparently a trained horse, Paula.

Trained to drop down- during Wild Willy's Old West shoot-out routine.

This particular horse... also sensitive to trucks backfiring on Route 20.

Well- in the midst of tragedy, a blessed miracle.

Cut. - Damn it, Steve! Do you think this is funny?

You guys could see the horse is alive, and you're giving me the "bring 'em the tears" signal?

No, no. This is the "bring the tears" signal.

This is "Hey, the horse is up. It's galloping. "


You know my favorite answer?

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. "

It's a lung disease. Ooh! Fontana, California.

Y- You know what they make there? No?

No? They make-They make steel.

Yeah. Do you know how they make it? No?

I won't bore you with the whole story, just the-just the best parts... like- like how it's made from, uh, molten pig iron, which- which does not, as everyone might think, have anything to do with pigs or swines or hogs.

It's -It's a raw iron made from iron and coke.

And by coke, I mean the, uh, carbonaceous residue, not the-not the cola.

Or the booger sugar.

It's-It's a method perfected by Sir Henry Bessemer, a Brit.

Oh. And Bessemer is also a town in Alabama. Yea!

Yep. And you know what they have there? No? No?

Hitler's typewriter. Hitler's typewriter.

That guy was such an asshole.

Anyone up for a potty break? It's not good to hold it. -

We're gonna take five minutes here.

Establishments in desolate areas like this are usually run by family members that are, uh-

No! No! Stop!


Crap. Crap.

# I want to hit the road #

Yes. Hi. Uh, Do you know when the next bus to Tucson goes through here?

'Cause I kind of just-just missed mine.

I'm headed that way.

Oh. That's nice.

So, you ever kill any animals?

Set a trash can full ofkittens on fire? You know, something like that.


No? Okay.

What about humans? That had to-

Would I tell you if I did?

Touché, sir. Touché.

# Hit the road and drive for miles #

# I'm gonna hit the road and I'm not gonna-#

You can wait for that next bus if you want.

Uh- Uh-

Roughly 9.85. I will give this to you and just-Thank you.

Stop! Stop!

May I see your license, please?

Norman James Durwood?

Mary Magdalene Horowitz. Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, I think.

Norm, if you are going to rape and murder me... you are going to have to cut my body up into a million chunks... and scatter me all over four states... because this appendage... will lead homicide detectives right to you.

And that would be no bueno. I think we're good.

no pencils.

Doing a crossword with a pencil is like screaming with your lips duct-taped together.

It is weak. If you're going to do a crossword puzzle... you need to do it fearlessly and with abandon and with a pen.

I prefer medium felt-tip blue.

It's about choosing your path, Norm, and just committing to it.

Well, I figure that when you miss a bus... maybe you weren't meant to take it.


Are you familiar with, uh- with, uh, moon blindness, Norm?

- It's like this awful eye pus that starts to ooze- You know... quiet time might be real good right about now.

Oh. Okay.

Quiet. Silencio.


Hey, Norm.


Thanks for not raping me.

My pleasure.

Howdy, partners! Welcome to Wild Willy's Ol' Western Town!

Howdy, partners! Welcome to Wild Willy's Ol' Western Town!

All righty. Give my love to the kids.

Good luck. And if that Steve shows you any disrespect-

Disrespect. Well, if you mean unmannerly... tactless and vulgar, he is a straight man, Norman.

Some things can't be helped. But if you mean that he's someone-

See ya, Mary.

See ya, Norm.

# I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #

# I want to learn to rope and ride #

# I want to ride o'er the plains and the desert #

# Out west of the Great Divide #

# I want to hear the coyotes howlin'#

# While the sun sinks in the west #

# I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #

# The life I love the best ##

Hola. Señor.

What happened?

They're all safe. The man surrendered.


- Adiós. Adiós, señora.

What did they say?

- Baby Peggy... ùS/?

- in Oklahoma... ùS/?

Poor little thing.

Oh. Oh. Gracias. Gracias, señor.

- De nada. ¡Hasta luego!

Vaya con Dios.

...Guadalupe Aguero, or to us, Baby Peggy... a third leg.

Shortly after the birth, her poor immigrant parents separated.

Now with joint custody, one parent wants the abnormal baby to keep the third leg.

The other wants it gone. After months of legal wrangling... the judge has ordered in favor of the mother.

Amputation surgery is scheduled for tomorrow... but the father, Mr. Aguero, isn't about to give up.

As his lawyers work to secure an injunction... the father continues to rally support around the rogue leg.

I'm quoting. " If God didn't want my daughter to have a third leg... he wouldn't have stuck one between the other two. "

So, for now, the fate of the precious child's third leg... is in the hands of a judge.

Hartman Hughes, reporting from Oklahoma City... near the leg, and as always, from the edge.

Cut. Okay. What do you think?

In the next segment, I was thinking about saying...

"Baby Peggy is in a three-legged race against time. "

What do you think? Okay.

Wanna do some one-on-ones? Do it.

Okay. Just intelligent arguments from both sides.

Intelligent arguments, guys!

I was born with a vestigial penis. That means a penis hanging outside the body.

You know, like yours. I'm talking about a ding-a-ling. Know what I'm saying?

And it was pretty good size. I was kind of proud of it. I got to be in seventh grade.

I used to work it, hang it on the side in gym class. I got all the attention.

Now there's just a big old scar. Can you feel it? Can you feel that scar?

Right? Okay. So, they cut it off, then-

What? What happened? H- I wasn't finished.

That was unbelievable. - Yeah, that was the, uh, highlight of my morning.

Vasquez. Where?

Oh. That's a new Escalade.

He's got three security guards.

Look at that. He brought toys.

Ooh, that's that guy from the news. Hey. You with the baby. Hey.

Son of a bitch. He's got a three-legged doll baby. Angus!


Oh, no.

#Love him, I love him, I love him #

# And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow #

# I will follow him #

# Follow him wherever he may go #

Hi! Oh!

Hey. Hi. Hi.

Hey. Oh.

How are ya? Hey! I'm good. Surprise!

Yeah, I didn't - I-Yeah.

Look at you, here. Sorry it took me so long.

It did. It did. Yeah.

Oh, I brought your- I brought your umbrella back.

And I got a surprise- Oh. I have a lot, but that's fine. that I know you love.

Oh. Wow. That's, uh-

That's -Wow. That's scary thoughtful.

Thanks. Thank you. I-I-I know you love them. Twinkies.

So, you-you-you came here all the way just to see me? - Yes, sir.

"Ask and you shall receive. " You know who said that?

No. Jesus.

Did Jesus tell you to come here?

Jesus ask me to come here.

No. You did. Oh. No. No.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I don't think so.

Yes. Right after you fondled my breasts. Remember?

Who? You. Remember?

Oh. "Oh, life on the road sure is awful.

Sure would be great if you could be out there with me. "

Oh, yeah.

With your big old hands. Just grabbed my little puppies and-

Yeah. went to town.

It felt good. Good.

Yeah. Uh, well, that's great.

Yeah. It will be great, because you are making journalistic history-

Oh. That's sweet of you to say. and I will be right by your side... for- for support and encouragement... and whatever, like... nurturing and-and coddling you as a man should require. - Okay.

I'm -I'm pretty much a one-man team. It's just-

It's - It's just me and, uh, my camera. God, yeah.

You know what? And yes. Can't believe it.

You know, the news- the news needs you. Look.

Because I-I bet my left ovary... that that- that's Baby Peggy's daddy leaving the hospital to avoid the press.

Right there. Look. Oh, no, that's a nurse.

No. Right- - No, they're all dressed like- There's a lot of nurses.

'Cause we're at a hospital. - But a- But a nurse not wearing sterilized nonslip footwear?

- What? Look.

Oh! Ho-Holy shit! You're right.

Yeah. I- I should, uh-Thank you. Go, Steven with a "V."

First priority, your-your occupation.

Second priority, fornication!


Excuse me, ma'am. Yes. Ooh. Sorry?

Only media are allowed up here. Oh. Absolutely.

My credentials, kind sir.

- "Cruciverbalist"? S/.

You gotta stay down there with your friends.

My friends.

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg! Again!

Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!

Okay, guys. That's 30. That was fantastic.

Hi there. I like your boots.

Oh. Thanks.

Are you pro-leg or anti-leg?

Neither really.

Well, um, this is the pro-leg group over here.

Oh, we are supporting Baby Peggy's dad in the fight to save the baby's third leg.

Oh, wow. - Um, over there-Well, those are the anti-leggers.

Well, is the, uh- is the additional leg functioning or nonfunctioning?

Because if it has full mobility, it's both a physical asset and a medical phenomenon.

Those are a lot of words.

And they're kind of big. I don't understand. Sorry.

In addition to promoting a righteous cause... the pro-leggers have better snacks.

Okay. I'm, um... definitely pro-leg then.


Come around. You can help light the rest of the candles.

Okay. Okay.

Love those boots.

Angus. Footage of the dad leaving the scene.

- Nice work. Right?

How'd you get that? Uh-

This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.

You remember the blind date I went on?

Yeah. The one who did the crossword. Yeah.

She followed me here.

Here? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I saw her at the bridge, and I- I think she's with the protesters. She has red boots.

Is she attractive? I mean, who cares?

I've been married to the same woman for nine years. I care.

I think she thinks that I invited her here. Did you?

No. I mean, well-

Kind of. I mean-

But I was just trying to be nice, you know, to get her out of my truck.

You could have tried "Get out of my truck. "

I can't be held responsible for being a nice guy, right?

No. Of course not. Unless she's doing a crossword all about you... and following you across the country like a stalker.


Who has a stalker? Steve does. Big-time.

No, no, no, no. What? Big-time.

Really? What's going on with that?

No, I was telling him about Mary. Remember Mary, the blind date my parents set me up on?

She was on me like a mountain lion in the truck.

Great in theory, but... wouldn't stop talking.

She was like a talking encyclopedia.

So, uh, is she here, or-

No. No, no, no. I think she went up-

Red boots, with the protesters. Hot.

Red boots?

You bang a fireman? No.

No, I did not bang a fireman.


All right. I'm gonna go outside... and get some, uh, snacks.

- You want anything? Oh, man. I could use a club soda... with shaved ice with a twist oflemon.

Awesome. He's getting me drinks. You think that's where he's going?

Yeah! - That's not where he's going. I don't know what he's up to.

He's always thinking about something.

- # Save the leg, my friend # This glue is making me high.

- # Save the leg # - It's the, uh- It's the methylbenzene in there, Winston.

- Give me that. # Save the leg, my friend ##


Hey, guys. Oh, hi.

Uh, can I help? Oh, sure.

Mary, have you met Howard? Howard, Mary. Mary, Howard.

How do you do? Uh, I'm not quite sure what you mean.


I'm just gonna sit down.

So, what can I do? Can you, um- Can you do the ribbon?

Yes. Okay. Here's scissors if you need them.

Mary. Oh, hey. That's that news guy.

Hartman Hughes.

So, this is the pro-legger camp.

Yeah. Handsome group.

That's right.

You folks are all for keeping Baby Peggy abnormal.

Abnormal? Extra legs equals extra awesomeness.


She'd just be like the tree frog. Come again?

A trematode parasite causes polymely- that means "extra limbs" - in-in tree frogs. Yeah.

Happens all the time. It's -It's totally normal.

- In some ponds,there's a quarter of the tree frogs- - Hartman Hughes! with extra limbs, and sometimes they found that if-

You know, over at the media tent... we're gonna take a break in a few minutes... and, uh, sure enough like you to join me.

Oh. I can't. Um, I have flute lessons.

Will Steve be there?

Who do you think sent me? Oh.

All right, girl. You go, girl.

Go on to that media tent with your bad self.

Go get your man, honey.

- I'll be right back. Holler if you need backup.

Did Steve tell you all about the crossword I did for him? - Oh, yeah.

There's no words to describe how much it meant to him.

Oh, but there are. There are always words.

You know- Yes?

It's easy to see why he fell for you the way he did.


So, he, uh- Oh, yeah. he told you all about the incredible connection and intensity... and je ne sais quoi? Oh, yeah.

He told me about the quoi.

He wouldn't shut his piehole about the quoi.

But, you know, his bliss is tempered with fear.

Oh. When you saw him today... did he seem like a man whose heart and loins were full of joy?


I- I-I-I don't know. I don't know if- if-

Mmm, no. No.

It's because he's afraid, Mary. Oh.

He's afraid you're gonna... break his heart.

But I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that to Steve. I could never do that.

I'm incapable- Shh.

You rest those pretty little mouth pillows, huh?

You're gonna need 'em later for all sorts of naughtiness.

What I need to know from you right now... are you gonna stick around long enough to help us work through Steve's fear?

Oh. Of course. Of course. Yes. Ah.

If he tells you to go, you don't go. Mm-hmm. No? Okay.

Mm-mmm. He starts throwing words around like "cuckoo" and "loony" and "crazy"... that's his fear talking. Oh.

All right? Okay. Okay. Yes.

If he tries to run away, I want you to grab him.

Okay. - And with the strength that God gives you, hang on.

Be calm and focused. Okay. Okay.

You wanna know why? Why? Yeah. Why?

You're the rock in this relationship.

I'm the rock.

You're the glue that holds it together. I'm the glue. Okay.

Right here. Look at me. Focus.

Are you gonna soldier on... no matter what happens?

Of course.

Of course. Good.

You know what I see in those big, beautiful eyes?

Plica semilunaris secretions?

Do I have something in my eye?


Hmm. Well, I'm a little nervous.

Now you go get your Steve on. Okay. Okay.

- You said she was hyper? Yeah, she's really hyper.

That's good. That's good. The calm and focused ones... they keep all that bottled up inside, and before you know it-

You know? But as long as she's hyper, you don't have to worry about it.

One thing she isn't is calm.

Dude. Something you wanna tell me?

Dude. Is that her? Hmm?

Is that her?


Want some?


How'd she get in here? I don't know. She's calm.

Boy, did I miss you, Steven with a "V."

Let's go for a talk outside. Okay. Walkie-talk.

Right out here. Okay.

All right.

Oops. Yes? Okay.

You can't stay here. Sure I can.

No. That's the beauty of my job. I can send in... crossword puzzles from anywhere in the world. No. Listen. Listen. Okay.

Listen to me. Mm-hmm?

I don't want you here. Okay?

But you said.

I said- I know- I'm a guy. Okay?

We say things we don't mean.

Well, then, how do I know you mean what you're saying now... when you said you didn't mean what you said? That's crazy.

Well, see, that's your fear talking.

Why are you so calm?

How come you're not more hyper? That's freaking me out a bit. I gotta be honest.

Steve, it's all gonna be okay. I know it is, if you-

Maybe even wonderful.

Hartman Hughes told me everything. What?

I talked to Hartman Hughes. When did you talk to him?

It doesn't matter. Did he- Did he come get you?

Steve. Where is he? Hughes.

Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven. Come here. Look at me. You here? Are you here with me?

Okay. Focus. Right here. Okay? Look at me.

"Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan...

"but to have any meaning or validity at all... a life plan must include intimate relationships. "

Do you know who said that?

Jesus? Harriet Lerner.

Oh. Psychologist, lecturer and author... of the timeless classic Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair!

I was gonna run for governor, but- Hey, Hughes.

- Come here. Hey.

Come here. Steve.

Yes, sir. This another one of your pranks? Huh?

I don't know what you're into, lago, but you better tell her the truth, okay?

I'm a newsman. I'm incapable of saying anything but the truth.

Okay. Well, then tell her you lied and- and that I really-

I don't want you here. I'm sorry.


Sorry. Just... things didn't work out.

You're gonna find a great guy.


What is that?

I want you guys to have a baby.


You guys belong together.

I'm gonna hit you, man. Aw, come on.

You're not gonna hit the face of CCN-

Stop it! "Victory attained through violence is tantamount to defeat, for it is momentary. "

This is what I'm talking about. Do you know who said it? Gandhi. Gandhi.

What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of?

You don't want her to know about "I heart Mary" carved in a tree trunk?

Why are you putting stuff like that in her head?

You said that? No, I never said that.

Maybe you're afraid the great Hartman Hughes is gonna steal her away.

You're crazy! I'm like Helen ofTroy. No fights!

Hey, guys! Baby Peggy's parents settled.

Steve, your camera. Oh, Jesus, Angus!

Sorry. Sorry. See what happens?

You mess with me, you mess with my boy.

Mary, stay! Mary, stay! But you-

- Mary! Call the station.

- Mary! We're live in two minutes!


With mere hours to spare, the Agueros reconciled... agreeing to halt surgery until Baby Peggy is old enough to decide for herself.

It's time for the Agueros to be a family once again.

So today, like the noble tree frog... whose third leg is nothing if not natural...

Baby Peggy marches on with her three-legged life.

Steve! I'm coming. Excuse me.

Medical emergency. Thank you. Please allow me through.

Possible concussion, could faint at any time.

Steve, I'm coming. No, no. Ma'am, you can't go back there.

Are you all right?

Could someone please help him?

Maybe apply a vasoconstrictor or a nasal tampon? Please.

She trying to kill me? She's trying to kill me.

This is Hartman Hughes report-

What the hell was that?

It's this girl who Steve invited, sir.

I didn't invite her. She's stalking me.

Never mind.

There's a hurricane off the coast ofTexas. Get to it.

I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

If you three weren't the closest crew to Galveston, you'd be hitchhiking home by now.

Yes, sir. Get off the phone.

Did you hear that about the tree frog?

Every time she speaks, I smell anchor desk.

I get it, Hartman. You're trying to get back at me, but Mary's not the way.

She's insane. She tried to kill me.

Hartman, something's wrong with her.

You didn't see that? You fell down. Boo-hoo.

I fell down? My legs were taken out from under me.

What are you talking about? She's stalking me.

- Dude, she's not stalking you. Steve!

Oh, shit! Tell her I'm not here. Tell her I'm not here.

Steve. Hi, guys. Hello, Mary.

Hi. I'm so sorry I was detained.

I was questioned by authorities about an apparent crime against one of your coworkers.

But all's been resolved. Steve.

Considering you almost cost us our job, maybe now's not a great time.

I'm so sorry. I could call your employer and apologize.

I can actually apologize in 17 different languages.


So, Mary, we're going to Galveston. There's a big storm there.

What do you know about Galveston? What are you doing?

Great. Galveston. Well, Galveston's the South's new gay mecca- one of the country's top 10 gay-friendliest cities.

Huh. Gay friendly, Angus. Yeah. Hi, Steve.

Is she running alongside the van?

- What else you got? Oh.

- Biggest natural disaster in American history. Really?

Over 6,000 dead in Galveston alone. Yeah. Ten- Can I have that?

- Ten nuns and 90 orphans. Angus, go faster.

Ask her why she's following me. Please. Why are you stalking him?

I'm not- I'm not stalking. No, I'm not stalking.

Stalking's an obsessive pursuit of prey.

But you're kind of following alongside his van.

Who wouldn't?

Steven is a smart, decent, loving- If he allows himself, right?

Loving, talented human being with deep-seated fears.

- I'm not going anywhere, Steve. I'm your rock. I'm your glue. - Mary.

Steve, hi. Go home. Go.


You should come!

You know what word you never see in crosswords?

"Go. " That or any other two-letter words.

The word "go"- not fun.

The word "vamoose"- now that's super fun.

Yes. Crosswords are a lot like life in that way.

They're only boring if you have no sense of adventure.

We didn't get to light all the candles, Howard.

That's okay. We can save them. Okay. Ooh.

Hi, Mary. Where you been?

I'm -I'm going to- I'm going to go meet Steve at his next job.

Oh. Yeah. Galveston.

Yes, it's a storm.

Could you sign my autograph book before you go?

Yeah, if I, uh- If I had a- a car... on my way to Galveston, I could go through Durant, Oklahoma... where they have the world's largest peanut.

I love peanuts, especially the giant ones.

Yeah, well, who doesn't? I know.

Love them.

- There you go. I'll drive.

Really? Yeah, why not?

All right. Vamoose.

Vamoose indeed.

So, uh, what kind of car do you have? A Gremlin.

What year? '76.

Did you replace the two-wire ignition connector? - Yes.

The reverse doesn't work, and sometimes it stalls. But otherwise, it's good as new.

This storm could be nasty.

Are we sure that we wanna drive into it?

Come on. How bad could it be, right?

Storm Watch!

Hurricane LaQuisha expected to make landfall by tomorrow morning.

And what makes this situation even more frightening- that area ofTexas currently in the midst... of the worst tornado season in history.

And here's where things get interesting.

Add a looming cicada migration... and no one knows just how devastating this storm could be.

Did you know that back in the '80s when everyone's concern was with the aerosol cans... it was actually the cows and their gases... which were actually doing the most damage to the ozone layer?

- # Turn off your radio # # Come on, come on #

# You're gonna feel all right #

# Let's do the panic tonight ##

A little wrinkled old lady.

Yeah, that's Mother Teresa. She's my best seller.

- I'm an apple sculptor. Really?

I love apples.

Yeah? I do.

Well, I went to school for physics, but I got bored.

So I, uh- So now I just make these and sell them on AppleHeadsRule. com.

Here, let me show you another one.

- Oh! Clay Aiken! Yeah, it's Clay Aiken.

I love him!

You know, I was sitting at home... just thinking that I had everything I needed right there.

And then I just thought, maybe there's more, you know?

Maybe this is the road I'm supposed to be on.

Maybe it is.

And now we go out to Hartman Hughes, who's enjoying some fresh air.

Hartman, not getting too wet, are you?

Paula, the only thing keeping me from falling into the bottomless depths... of these shark-infested waters... is this flimsy two-by-four railing.

And the Galvestonians here are hoping that this storm... will not surpass the storm of 1900... when 6,000 people lost their lives- nuns, orphans washed out to sea.

This is Hartman Hughes in Galveston... in the middle of a mild storm... reporting from the edge.

All right. Good work.

Good job. Happy to help!

Holy shit! There's Mary! Where?

You know, you're an asshole! Hmm!

You know what? I love dressing up. I do.

But, guys, those panties are short on sparkle.

Thank the good Lord for the BeDazzler.

Guys? Hold on!

Oh, crap! Oh, God!

Okay, reverse! Reverse!

The car won't start! Reverse doesn't work!

Oh, my God! Put it in drive!

I can't! It's stalled! Okay. Oh, God!

It will not start. What are we gonna do?

Okay, okay. Uh- Uh-

- Crap! Storm drain!

Okay. Okay. Get out!

Guys, come on!

My shoe! Give me your hand!

Ow, ow, ow!

Come on! Keep running!

Come on! We have to hurry!

Everybody get in! Get in and go all the way down! Hurry!

It's blocked!

We're gonna be okay though. We're gonna be fine.

Yea! Ponchos!

Yes. No such thing as too prepared for adversity, my friends.


Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.


Oh. Oh! Oh!

Insecta Hemiptera of the suborder Auchenorrhyncha!


This species only comes around every 17 years!

Add these very, very smart cicadas to a tornado... it's like a once-in-a-lifetime natural miracle!

Do you know how lucky we are? Cool.


Curse words.

Swearing, profanity, expletives-a good old cuss.

Maybe these words aren't such a good idea in some places... such as crosswords or kindergarten... but when amongst friends and in a sewer... it's perfectly acceptable to have a mouth like one.

My car.

Storm's over. What else is happening? All quiet.

Hey, Chris, any celebrities arrested for drunk driving today?

Give me the phone.

Angus, how in the hell do you miss a "tornadocane"?

Please, give us another chance. - If you keep this up, you're leaving me no choice.

Please, sir, I- - Get me downed street signs, damaged boats, drowned puppies- whatever.

And then I want you all in my office Tuesday morning at 9:00.

Sir, I'm sorry, sir, I-

They're through, all of them. Finished.

Find out if Vasquez is happy at NNC.

We need to go shoot some B-roll of the storm damage.

I'm not scared of love.

I went on one date with her, Mom. I went on one date with her.

B- roll?

A complete waste of my handsome gifts.

Where's a decent tragedy when you need one, huh?

Who wants to go forward? Who wants to go backward?

Hey, kids. Who's ready for some fun?


You can knit this handy purse.

But my favorite project- Sorry. We're gonna have to interrupt.

Breaking news from Silver Plume, Colorado.

A group of hearing-impaired children have plummeted into an abandoned mine shaft.

Yeah, I just heard. Who are we sending to cover it?


- ... blissfully unaware of what lay ahead. Is there no one else?

There's no word yet on injuries, John... but we are getting reports that a crane is on its way to the scene... to try and rescue those poor deaf children... before the ground collapses on top of them.

- Judy, John, back to you. Now that's a great story.

Angus, where'd you get those?

Hmm? Mary could have planted those.

Think she poisoned our chips? Well, can you prove that she didn't?

Huh? Did you buy them? I didn't buy them.

Did you buy- You don't buy anything. Did you buy them?

You know, poisoning is the number one murder method for crazy women.

Are you kidding me?

Nope. Hey!

Everything's gotta go out. We gotta flush it. We gotta flush it, guys.

Give a hoot. Don't pollute.

I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

You know, my old man was a combat journalist in 'Nam.

Hard to fill those boots, huh?

Got killed before I ever had a chance to say good-bye to him.

Yeah, if I ever get that anchor desk... he's gonna be really proud of me in heaven.

Well, looks like we found the eye of the storm, guys.

Holy shit. There's Mary.

Oh, my God! Oh, come on!

Oh, my God. It's Steve. Steve.


What are you doing? What? Getting some air.

What are you writing? You're not telling her where we're going?

I'm making some notes! Leave me alone!

Stop it! - No way!

Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Oh, Jesus! She's got a machete! Where the hell did she get a machete?

Oh, man! She's gonna pluck my eyes out, man!

She is gonna carve my eyes out and she's gonna make me eat them!

I swear to God. I've read about it on the Internet, man!

Oh, my God! She's gonna cut my feet off!

I'm not gonna be able to walk! She's gonna make me eat my legs!

She's gonna make you eat your legs?

Yeah, I read about it! Oh, really?

What, some sort of pimento leg loaf?

Hey! You think this is funny? I've read up on this! -

- I know it's not the same thing as- Just shut up. Just shut up.

Just shut up! Just shut the heck up!

I swear to- Shut up! All right?

Jesus! Where do I begin?

Hartman, for the love of God, stop tanning.

You look like a Cheese Nip!

You look like an orange with lips!

You look like a wrinkled peach!

And you! Geraldo! Lose the wig!

You look like a retired porn star.

Who you fooling? Oh, that's a great disguise, Einstein.

The van's the same, dumb-ass!

Mary is not a psycho. You're the psycho.

She's just a smart girl with red boots.

That's good work, Angus.

I knew you had some balls in those Underoos.

Okay. Ooh. Okay.

"Deaf kids in a mine. Silver Plume.

Please 'meat' me. "

"Meat. "

"Please meat" - M-E-A-T.

"Please meat me there. XO, Steve. "

See? He needs me, if only to help with his spelling.

You know what one of my favorite ingredients of crosswording is? Perseverance.

If you quit a puzzle, you can't finish it.

Sure, every once in a while, you run into a doozy... that you don't think you could ever solve in a million years... but if you stick with it, you figure it out.


Worst thing you can do is leave it unfinished.

It's never the solution, is it?

You know what my favorite part of a crossword is?

When you realize you know something you didn't think you knew.


To Colorado then?

- # You got all the sugar# Yea!

# You'll ever need ##

Hey, people, back it up!

This ground can collapse at any time, so please, please back it up!

Here we go, guys. Start lowering him down.


Hey, what's he doing with his hands?

Son of a bitch.

I haven't had my big moment yet, so I gotta find something.

They're all okay!

All right, on three.

Three, two, one.

Elation here in Colorado... and yet danger lurking at every corner... as rescuers bring the "besmudged" little cherubs up one at a time.

Thank God they're all right.

Thank you, God.

That's the last of them!

He's out.

The last child is now rescued... with the parents rejoicing along with the many workers.

Wait. Wait a minute. There's something happening.

- Oh! The ground seems to be collapsing.

The heavy crane is actually shaking. Oh, this is terrible.

Yes, it's dangerous there.

What happened?

I don't know...

I don't know... but I smell a lawsuit.

A happy ending, and yet parents around the country wondering...

"Is my family in danger from an abandoned mine?

Is my backyard an abandoned mine?"

Danger's passed!

Thank God they're all safe.

Is that him?


Well. "Truth is truth, to the end of reckoning. "


And I say to these complete strangers-

Bye. Bye. that has left parents across this country wondering...

"How do I keep my family safe from abandoned mines?

"Is my bedroom-and more to the point-

Holy shit.

"my king-sized bed- on top of an abandoned mine?

"Is my child's school built on top of an abandoned mine?

- Are abandoned mines always unsafe?" Did you see that?

Mary's in the hole. Don't be ridiculous.

Somebody else went in!

Cut! Get over there!

Get back from the tape now! What?

Come on, handheld. Come on, let's go!

Did somebody fall in the mine?

Tell her help is on the way. We're working on getting a new crane.

We just need her to confirm she's conscious.

Here. Give me that.

All rescue personnel on scene... apparently we have another victim who has gone into the hole at the mine.

Okay, I am not afraid.

I'm not afraid, nor am I affrightened.




It is me, Mary Horowitz.

Yes, I seem to have fallen into the mine.

Hello? Everyone?

It's, uh, me, Mary Horowitz. Hello?

People, please move back.

- Back up! Back it up. This ground is unstable.

So she just dove in that hole, like a gopher.

No, dude, not like a gopher. Like a human being.

She was running after me, and she fell in the hole.

That's the way to get your heads out of your asses.

That shot of Steve's girlfriend falling into the pit is priceless.

We've got the inside advantage here, so let's use it.

Get Steve ready to go on and talk about his girlfriend... as soon as we get the graphics together.

Fifteen minutes.

Here he comes! You people are ruining the ferns!

Can you comment on the rumors that Mary's fall into the mine was a suicide attempt?

Well-That's ridiculous. Not our Mary.

The word "depression" is not in her vocabulary.

All right, obviously it is in her vocabulary.

But no. No.

She-She never lets anything get her down.

Still living at home at her age- clearly not a normal situation.

Not normal?

We-We love having her here.

Sir, I'd like to ask another question.

Yes. Yes, we love having her here. Yes, we do.

Fumigation can't be rushed.

One more question!

Now, I don't wanna speculate here...

- but if the ground did collapse... Ow! Ow! Ow! could that not result in death... or, at the absolute least, horrible disfigurement?

I don't wanna speculate either, but, yes, absolutely, it could.

And as we await the tragic fate of Mary Horowitz... attention now on the boots she was wearing when she slipped into the mine... a story I couldn't tell until I'd walked a mile in Mary's shoes.

Take a look.

It's hour one, and it's as if my feet have been placed in vise grips.

We're at the two-hour mark, and, actually, right now I feel pretty-


Light source.

"A nd God said, 'L et there be... light. "'

Oh. Voilà. Yes.

Yes, it's perfect. Yes. This is per-

Ah! Oh!

Oh, my God. They forgot one.

You scared the crap out of me.

Hi. I'm -I'm sorry.

Uh, can you, uh-

Can you- Can you hear me? I mean, at all?

Do you have sensory-neural hearing loss... or do you have conductive?

Because if-if it-

She doesn't hear me. Okay.

You know, I understand a little bit of sign language... so if you wanna-you know? No? Okay.

Um, "Deaf people can do anything except for hear. "

Do you know who said that?

Dr. Jordan- first deaf president at Gallaudet U.

Yeah. Maybe you'll go there one day.

If we both don't perish in here.

Hold on. I'll be right back. You stay here, okay? Okay? Right.

Well, Paula, apparently they're gonna keep it old-school and simple- a piece of paper, a number two pencil.

This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.

Cut. Corbitt wants you on next.

I told you I am not her boyfriend, Angus.

Yeah, but you're the one that encouraged her to come here to begin with.

You're the one that asked her to come here, not me! - Guys! Guys!

NNC has got their hands on everything but her panty size.

What? Our Mary?

- Yes. Son of a bitch. Vasquez scooped us?

Behold, notice of our imminent rescue.

Oh, okay. Okay.

This is good news. This is good news, okay?

They're going to tell us something wonderful.

And it says, "Mary, are you" -


That's a good sign right there.

Oh, God!

What's it say, son?

Millions of people are watching.

Um, okay.

"I think you mean, am I conscious? Not, am I conscience?

"'Conscious'means alert and awake.

"'Conscience' is your inner morality gauge...

"you know, the thing that stops you from doing bad things... e. g., killing, stealing, harming helpless animals and whatnot. "

Can we leave her down there?

"To answer your question, yes, I am conscious.

"My leg is bleeding, though I'll probably live.

Yours truly, Mary Horowitz. " Yes!

"P.S. Did anyone lose a little deaf girl?

I found one. She's fine, other than not being able to hear, I mean. "

They missed a child? Can't these people count?

Thank God for this woman Mary Horowitz.

Let's bring up that picture of her again.

Yesterday, Mary Horowitz.

Today, Mary Horowitz- hero.

- This just in- I'm coming to save you! speculation as to whether or not Mary intentionally heaved herself into the mine... to save the poor deaf child... after rescuers ignored her desperate, desperate pleas.

Paula, I'm here with Steve Muller.

Steve's girlfriend, Mary Horowitz... struggling for her life down in the abandoned mine, as we speak.

She's not my girlfriend, and I'm not gonna say that just to get ratings. Okay?

Yeah, and the truth is I don't really even wanna do this.

Mary Horowitz, described as "freakishly intelligent. "

These words also described Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber.

However, you never know about these people. They're clean-cut-

But people deserve to know the truth about her.

I mean, she sees things that other people don't.

And she's kind, and- and I think she means well... even though, when she does things, they're just a little unusual.

And she's smart. She's supersmart.

And not in a freakish way. In-

Like, she has a gift. I mean, she knows everything... everything but whom not to trust and how not to get hurt and-

and how to survive us.

And she doesn't pretend to be somebody that she's not.

And she certainly doesn't deserve to be where she is now.

Maybe if I just do this, I can-


Yeah. The tracks down there just- just keep going and going down and-

If we just concentrate on this and that and that, then we'll-

But not to- not to worry.

I'll- I'll get us out of here.

Hope that crane gets here soon.

I hope so too.

'Cause if there's carbon monoxide down there-

But the air's coming through the top.

Even at concentrations of five ppm, they could suffocate.

I am so sorry.

She has stolen a little piece of my heart.

- What'd the site engineer say? - The stress fractures are worsening by the minute.

The longer they're down there, the greater the chance of collapse.

They thought the air quality was bad... try a 50-foot span of rock and earth dropping down there.

Oh, Jesus.

That's a bunch of horseshit. She's gonna be fine.

Odds are she won't. We gotta go on.

What are we gonna say? Say she's not gonna make it?

Her whole family is watching, Angus. Christ.

I'll be back in a minute. Hughes.

All right, two minutes. That's it.

Some blind date, huh?

Here's a candle.

Hi, Winston.

I think I'll feel better if I pretend that it's Mary's surprise party.

I'm making an apple head for Mary for when she gets out.

- And she's gonna get out. # And I don't know #

# Why life, it seems to be #

- This one's gonna work. # So hard for dreamers #

# Like you and me #

Rescuers are desperate for the crane to reach them within the hour.

Helicopters are out of the question because of all the power lines.

Hope is fading fast.

The earth tremors are getting stronger. They have to get out soon.

# Is everywhere ##

The other side. Oh!

Ouch too.

I can't do this. I can't get us out of here.

Guess what.

Mary Horowitz doesn't have the answers.

Or a job.

And-And my job mattered!

I was the Sacramento Herald's crossword constructor... and I threw it all away- for what?

"Mary, Steve wants you to come be with us. He needs you. "

Really? Methinks the media lies.

A little.

Words, people. Words.

There are meaningful words, there are pointless words... and then there are words that hurt.

"Mary, why can't you be like every other girl?"

"Mary, where do you get all that useless information?"

"Mary, why do you talk like that?"

"Mary, Mary!" You know, it's just-just-

Oh, oh! Oh! Oh!

And the pièce de résistance, yes.

"Mary, why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time?"

You wanna know why? Huh?

Do you wanna know why? Okay, I will tell you why.

I wear them because they make my toes feel... like 10 friends on a camping trip.

That's why I wear them.

We're finished.

The ground is gonna collapse. We're gonna perish.

I just wanna go home.


"I don't know what you're saying, but you talk too much. "

I know.

I know.

Ma'am, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to step back.

- Hughes! Not now.

You wrote the note telling Mary to come here.

You brought her here. And if she dies-

This is just a fence.

Being on that side of it doesn't make you any better.

You did that.

...cheated on her taxes- ... and the red boots-

Does she think herself some kind of superhero?

Mary- she did this.

He was my ticket to normal.


"Why would you want to be normal?"

I don't. I don't.

These will keep you warm.


"Maybe someone will figure out how to save us. "

Maybe. Maybe.

Say that again.

"Maybe someone" -

"Maybe. " "Maybe. "

Little deaf girl, it's time for us to go home.

Why aren't they doing anything?

How much- How much do you weigh?

Fifty pounds, give or take? Okay.


Okay, just get it right down here.

Just get all over the joints.

When I got kicked out of Girl Scouts... and all the other girls were learning how to sell cookies...

I was at home- ow- reading physics books.


Hartman. What are you doing? I told you two minutes.

It's my fault Mary's in the hole.

But like Patton said...

"A bad plan violently executed today... is better than a great plan tomorrow. "

So, I'm gonna pull the lever, push the cart... and up we go, okay?

I'm coming, Mary Horowitz! I'm coming!

I'm coming to save you!

What the-

One, two-

Oh! Okay! Pretty good drop.

You guys doing all right?

Mm-hmm. But we were just on-on, you know-

Something just touched me! Something bit me!

Something- Help!

There's something in that water.

Something ni-nibbled at my leg.

Hartman Hughes just jumped- I repeat, jumped into the mine.

Grabbing on to a hose that was attached to nothing... he literally dove right into the mine.

All eyes now not only on Mary Horowitz... but also CCN reporter Hartman Hughes.

Why the hell didn't I think of that?

Did you check the perimeter for spiders?

Uh, yes. Yes, I did.

It's really... scary down here.

You know, if my old man could see me now.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I got you into this.

I'm sorry.


Um, how much do you weigh?

And as this pulls back and pulls us upwards...

I'll be cradling her here, and I'll be cradling you here.

Maybe you-you would like to be holding us like this when we go up.

No, no. It's your plan, and I don't wanna take the credit.

I'd like to take the credit. Okay. All right.

I don't know. He said something about Patton and a bad plan.

Did you see the cable just move? Please do notjump into the mine!

Get the camera right now.

We- Steve!

You! Sir!

That cable's moving. Looks like they're coming up. Is there anything I can do to help out?

We're doing everything we can. I know, but can it take all that weight?

- Foot in the stirrup? Yes.

Okay. All set.

All right. Okay.

You ready? Are you ready?

Yeah. I just hope this works. Yeah, you and me.

Hold on. What's up?

Oh. Thank you. Appreciate that.

Thank you. I'm camera-ready.

Okay. All right.


Three, two, one.

Iflife is like a crossword puzzle... then its worth, its greatness, should bejudged in the same way.

Is it solvable?

The crane is beginning to tilt over.

I think they're coming up! It's hard to tell what's going on.

Is it entertaining?

Does it sparkle?

There they are!

They're safe! The crowd is going crazy! This is incredible!

Oh, my God! Mary! Oh, my God!

It's her!


They're safe! Ah!

# No love, pride, deep-fried chicken #

# Your best friend always stickin'up for you #

- # Even when I know you're wrong # Look at him!

Come on, pull! Let's go!

Hartman Hughes!

There's Hartman Hughes.

Hartman, Mary Horowitz and the deaf child.

Everything feels so wonderful.

Looks like we're gonna have to give her her job back.

Our own Hartman Hughes becoming the hero of this story... risking his own life to save the life of Mary Horowitz... and an unidentified little girl.

Truly, folks, this is unbelievable.

I'm gonna have to make that idiot anchor.

There you go. You okay?

Mary, what are you wearing?

- Um, I'm-I'm gonna go. Okay.

Thanks, Mary. You're welcome.

Hey. Yeah?

Have a nice life. Okay.

How did you know there was another child trapped?

Mary, what happened to your boots?

Are you a true blonde?

Mary. Are you okay? Yes. Yes, I am.

Uh, a few lacerations... but I was able to tourniquet them off with this bandanna I found.

I never should've said anything to you that, uh, I didn't mean.

Uh, I'm sorry.


Oh. Here.

Thank you for the loan.

You're welcome.

I have to go.

Okay. Bye.



Don't ever change- for anybody.

I'm Jewish-Catholic.

I'm pretty much set in stone.

- We love you! Welcome back, Mary!

Mary! Mary! Mary!

Oh, my goodness!

Mary, any statement at all? Anything?

You're okay!

I missed you guys so much! Oh, God!

Mary Horowitz.

Angus. Let's finish this.

- Hughes. Hartman Hughes. Move aside. Move aside.

Hey! Get in here!

Ah. It's good to see you guys.

Come here, Steve. Come on, buddy. No, no.

Good to see you. Okay, all right.

Come on. Confessional. Let's do this.

Hartman Hughes, you reminded us to believe in miracles.

What does it feel like to be a hero?

I'm not a hero.

I'm a humble guy who's lucky to be alive.

And, uh, I think any hardworking... patriotic American would've jumped in that hole... once he knew, uh, there was a little girl down there... and a good-looking lady, single, huh?

New York Times crossword editor, Will Shortz, says...

"We have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. "

I like to think he means notjust crosswords... but the empty spaces inside of us... that come from making your way in a world that doesn't always embrace unique.

I tried to fill my empty spaces with words and puzzles-and Steve.

We love you!

But that wasn't the answer.

Now I know.

On thejourney oflife... just find someone as normal as you- if not a whole bunch.

Oh. And here's a little bit of fresh Mary Horowitz wisdom.

If you love someone, set him free.

If you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place.

#My face to the sky #

# Dreaming aboutjust how high I could go #

# And if I'll know when I finally get there #

# Taking off my glasses #

# Sun pokes through my lashes #

# Somehow I know #

# There's a time for every star to shine #

# Everybody got their something #

# Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #

# Everybody got their something #

# Everybody got their something #

# Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

# People keepin'score #

# Better hurry up and get yours #

# Somebody else got your spot #

# Before you even dropped #

# Seek and you shall find #

# Everything in my own sweet time #

# I'll take my chances with what I believe is only mine #

# Busy holding on #

# So the roof don't fly #

# Keep you from moving on #

# So get it right Turn the tide over#

# Like a love song #

# Like a butterfly #

# Believe if you hand it over#

# You'll come out all right #

# Yeah, yeah #

# Everybody got their something #

# Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #

# Everybody got their something #

- # Everybody got their something # # Yeah-ah #

# Yeah-ah-ah-ah #

# Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

- # Uh-huh # # Uh-huh, uh-huh #

# Illuminate the silly things #

# Shed some light on all that's wrong #

# Everybody need it sometime #

# Sometimes the only thing you got #

# Is what makes you feel like #

# You're somethin'else altogether#

# You have everything #

# Don't need another reason to be something #

# I've been on a ride #

# And caught up in the landslide #

# But I'm gonna spread my wings and fly #

# Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, yeah #

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah #

- # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # # Yeah, yeah, yeah #

- # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah # # Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh #

# Everybody got their something #

# Everybody got their something #

# Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #

- # Everybody got their something # # Yeah-ah #

- # Everybody got their something, yeah # # Yeah-ah #

# Yeah-ah Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #

# Yeah-ah-ah-ah, hey #

# Uh-huh #

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star#

# There's a time for every star, yeah #

I'm the news!