All Ladies Do It (1992) Script

Paolo?

Paolo?

Paolo, are you here?


Oh Paolo, of course I love you.

CONFESSIONS TO MARIKLA

HOW MUCH DOES LOVE INVOLVE YOU?

'Dear Marikla, 'I'm writing to you because I need your advice.

'I'm 24 and have been married for five years.

'I've been told that I'm pretty and that I'm nice to be around.

'I have a good job and a wonderful husband.

'I know I married a bit young, but it's worked out really well.

'Lots of passion to start out with, 'and lots of understanding to keep it together.

'Except that for a while now I've been feeling upset

'in a kind of strange way.

'It's hard to explain.

'I want to live more... more fully, more intensely.

'But my days are so uneventful, they're almost hum-drum.

'I tell myself that it must be the season

'that's making me have these strange restless cravings.

'But the fact is that they've become stronger and stronger lateIy.

'Especially since that night my sister Nadia took us to a party

'in honour of a Venetian poetess. '

I'd like to fuck you and not touch you, and, loose tongued, make a chant resound among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

I'd like to stuff dancing cunts in your mouth.

I'd like to cover you with sticky breasts and perfumed sweat!

And down between your balls, suck your cock into my heartache.

I'd like, between lusty cornholings and a sob, to lick your knees.

And upwards, from your belly to your heart.

And to find some rest, I'd Iike not... to be abIe to come anymore.

How exceptional! Neo-positivist influences...

Brava!

Congratulations. Your book will be a smash.

I'm Nadia Valentini. I run a body-fitness gym.

Come in and give it a try whenever you like.

Nadia Valentini.

I'd love to be able to write like you. Ah.

♪ Sends a shiver through my spine

♪ I want you so badly... ♪ Really? I've never seen a love-line so long. Or so hard.

♪ And I'm beginning to lose myself

♪ Your touch just feels so real

♪ Please don't walk out of my dreams... ♪

May I beg you for a dance? Why, certainly!

Everyone gate-crashes in Rome, no one needs an invitation.

I wasn't invited either.

I accompanied the poetess.

In Venice we are next-door neighbours.

Nowhere's like Venice, is it? I was born there.

Ah, oui? Do you know how it was described by a famous French poet?

"Venice - sexe femelle d'Europe. "

Are you a sailor, with those tattoos?

Oh, I travel around, you know?

I pick up old things.

I wish you'd go there and pick up those two old biddies and throw them out!

You like the boy? Well, he is my husband, after all.

Come on, husbands don't count!

Maybe not for you, but mine counts a lot for me.

I'd like to fuck you and not touch you...

... and, loose-tongued, make a chant resound...

... among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

I'll bet you're sopping wet.

Excuse me. My head is spinning.

Don't bother with museums, you fools, art is among us, we are art.

I give you two perfect examples of the baroque.

Their prominent masses flatten out as they come down.

Borromini brought to life!

Turn them around and you have two prominent asses in pure rococo style, gorgeous!

But... Shh. Do not be afraid.

I'm not afraid. But I don't know what your name is.

Oh, très juste. Alphonse Donatien.

Pirate d'amour.


I was so right about you. You're at high tide.

Man, that's not fair!

I'm doing everything I promised to do.


Diana, are you in there?

Yes, Paolo. Just a minute.

I hadn't seen you for a while. Anything wrong?

Of course not, I just had to pee. Do you want to leave, darling?

Yeah, I'm bored silly. This party's the shits.

Whatever you like. I'll get my things.

Paolo!

You're dripping.

And it's not pee. What gives, you hot so soon?

Well, if you touch me there, of course I get wet.

You know how sensitive I am.

Do it some more.

Was it that guy or me who brought it out in you?

What guy? Your partner. The dancer.

Oh. He's French. He has a home in Venice, he said.

He came on Iike some kind of cyclone.

Paolo, you're driving me crazy.

A little mature, wasn't he?

Mature isn't the word. You should've called me, my dear.

You just seem to assume that I fought it.

I even found him in the bathroom there. That filth?

You just didn't realise it, right there, standing behind the door.

Ah, you're kidding. It's just another one of your silly stories.

He had me naked in no time. Quit that!

He wanted to give it to me in the ass, if you hadn't shown up right then.

You're inventing everything. I know it! I'm no idiot!

He thought my ass was beautiful.

How was... how was his thing?

Did he make you feel it? Was it as hard as this?

You like my ass, don't you, Paolo?

How many times do I have to tell you? It's the most gorge...

You can't give an opinion unless you look at it first.

Tell me I have a beautiful ass. It's beautiful.

Oh, God!

Let's go home, come on. No!

Let's do it here! Huh?

Hurry up!

Huh, amateurs!

Tell me you made it all up. Oh, tell me!

Be quiet!

And they call us whores! You got it.

Bonjour!

OK now, lazy-bone, rise and shine!

I'll teach you some good manners!

No, you're hurting me! Stop it!

Hey, what gives?

Lay off, will you?

You're being raped, Mister. How do you like it?

Put it on hold! Carnal violence is put off until this evening!

No!

Hey, let go! Let go of the merchandise!

If my mother could see the chaos you make me live in!

I think it's nice.

And besides, wicked witches don't have to like it.

I beg your pardon! You're not to speak about my mother like that.

OK, Mr Grumbly, OK.

It's just the Water Music of Mozart!

Come sing.

You can Handel that!


That's complete amorality!

You pig!

That son of a bitch dribbled right up the middle!

You kidding? That shithead's nowhere.

He couldn't find the hole in that hoop if they stuffed his face inside it!

Got great hands.

You know what Hal Taylor would do?

That so-called turkey is a great clutch player!

Is that what you call a centre?

He's the greatest centre in the league right now.

I'm out of patience with assholes like you who wouldn't know a point guard from a pivot!

You need a crooked umpire to win! You ever seen a basketball game?

Let go of me, goddammit?

Let go of what? Jesus Christ, a fag!

I've been standing here talking to a fag all this time!

You grabbed my cock!

Now I know why you like that Taylor kid so much.

You're lucky this is my stop!

Or what, you would've kissed me?


Miss, take my seat. Please do!

Thanks, no, my stop is coming up.


Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, listen. You gotta get a couple of things clear.

Get the mud out of your upstairs. I can see it's hard on you.

That little thing might just ruin your vocation.

Miss... Take my advice, kid. Go confess all.

How... about a phone call?

Do you have my number? No.

You're outta luck, boy.

So long!

Hi, Lello.

You're crying, what's the matter?

He's left me. He's gone back to his wife.

The battle-axe has the vapours, and he feels guilty, says it's our fault.

Is that true? I should know? Perhaps it is.

Only with a million guys to pick on, why pick on my guy?

Now, Lello, just get your best drag on tonight and go cruising, you'll find one ten thousand times better!

You really think so? Guaranteed.

Hey, your diet, Antonietta!

Like the lady said, everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening!

Really!

Look, I have a terrific surprise for you!

It gave me some ideas for a really memorable night with Pierre.

Is there a new way, huh? The Atom Bomb, just try it!

You're just dying to take it home with you, Lello!

I bought six like it yesterday, only a much better quality.

Then you should invite us all up to have a look at them, least you can do.

Hello, kids, hard at work? That's fine.

Hi, Mr Silvio.

Oh, Antonietta, some new items have come in.

Would you mind very much modelling a few in the South Wing?

Oh, that's really very nice of you.

I'll be right there. Come along, my dear.

Oh!

Some girls have all the luck, huh!

Er... the rest of you can take a break.

Come here.

Lean back.

Ah, yes.

Let me see the one on the right today.

Let me see all of you.

Spread your legs.

Now bend this leg a little.

And turn around now.

That's it.

Pull your panties up tight between the cheeks.

Oh... just my size!

This morning I woke up with a third leg like a telephone pole, and I thought of you right away!

I'm really flattered.


Good morning, all. Hello, Diana. Hello, Mrs Tommasini.

You seem to be dressed in mourning, though.

I am, unfortunately. I lost my little Danny.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Somebody very close?

Oh, yes, intimate.

We'd been together for ages. He was a wonderful labrador.

Ah... I imagine.

And how's your husband, the Senator?

In France eating foiegras and fighting hunger in the world.

Have you prepared those articles as I asked you?

Of course.

I can't wait to fill up my drawers.

Let's try these.

But they're the same ones you chose last Thursday.

I'm no idiot, I stick with what works well.

They wound up ripped into shreds.

That engineer has tastes of his own.

An engineer? Your newest conquest, huh?

No, but one of the most generous. Cartier!

Gosh. Congratulations.

Oh well, at least I'm never bored in the afternoons.

I've found a little group of friends.

I was introduced by Alicia. She's a client of yours.

Alicia? Oh, I know, Mrs Dow.

Right, the one they call Mrs Sow.

Doctors, lawyers, undersecretaries. You make great money.

If you're interested, I'll talk to her about you.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot, but I... I just don't think I could really, I mean...

Trafficking poontang?

Come on, honey, this isn't what you think it is.

I'm not really a pro. Fills in spare time! And plenty of ladies do it.

Anyway, real whores never come. I do, like an avalanche!

Oh, men have great imagination.

I learn something nice and quirky on almost every date!

You mean that wouldn't interest you?

My husband has imagination enough.

Oh, mine doesn't! How inventive can an envoy to the European Parliament be?

Oh, but it's so romantic to meet someone unknown, in some hotel room, in an apartment.

Your heart goes like mad.

It's an adventure of the unknown, it's marvellous!

And then the thrill of feeling yourself up for sale!

Oh, the shame, the sin... I'd give it a whirl, if I were you.

I must say I really think I ought to pass on...

I know a Chilean bishop who'd simply adore you.

Priests have never been my ideal. They're the best customers, believe me!

All right, I'll take a gross. OK, great!

Mrs Tommasini is really very nice.

She's a big success in what she does, which is actually something like what I do, if you want to know the truth.

In there getting porked, yes.

My precious favours in return for a raise in pay.

My husband isn't sorry, and neither am I.

Do you mean that?

Well, he doesn't know all the details, of course.

No guilt about it, for Pierre?

Please, I'm not in love with this old geezer.

But you're still betraying your husband, aren't you?

I don't see how you got that in your mind.

Come on, don't play so dumb!

It's not easy to define.

With Pierre it's special - there's tenderness, and more.

With the others, a poke is a picnic!

See you soon, Diana.

Should you change your mind, call me on the telephone.

OK, I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

I don't know how you can bring yourself to do those things with the boss.

Just for openers, he's ugly as sin.

I'm not gonna cry over that. There's my handsome Mister Pierre.

And there's something special with the uglies.

They're so much more generous than the pretties.

Fact is, they need to have us girls pardon their homeliness, all the time.

I guess. Some people call it wicked.

It's big fun, though.

When I make it with the boss, I feel like I'm screwing my own dad.

So... big deal!

A little incest. Happy banging I say!

What if you get knocked up? Oh, come on, there's no danger.

It's simple, use the most natural of methods.

Just take it here!

Diana! My God. Are you all right?

I'm all right. It's OK.

Diana? Would you mind coming to the workroom?

There's someone here to see you. Oh, yes, yes. Thank you.

I'll be right there.

Nadia, what are you doing here?

Delicately, Nadia!

Aunt Emma just kicked the bucket. Blessed Mary, she didn't?

It's a good thing I told her to use a little tact.

I can't leave the gym right now. You'll have to go to the funeral.

And you were always her pet, and we all know it.

But I don't know. I'm afraid I...

My job, Paolo... No problem, Diana.

None whatever.

You go to Venice tomorrow for that funeral, and don't worry about us.

And don't worry about Paolo.

You're going to be away.

And while you are, I'll take care of him.

I promise you.

I'm sorry, darling, I wish I could go with you, but this is a bad time, I'm up to my neck in work.

Don't worry. I'm a big girl. I can handle it on my own.

I'm worried about your fidelity. You know how sexy funerals are.

Paolo, that's crazy! It's an established historical fact.

A funeral atmosphere creates, on its own, a contrasting, compensating desire to screw.

It says so in an article on adultery I've been reading.

Do you know that statistics show that over 60% of Italian wives cheat on their husbands?

Hey, what the hell's this? Antonietta gave it to me.

What kind of a crowd do you run around with?

People who aren't ashamed of what they do.

Not up-tight old frumps like you. Let's take a look at it.

If you insist.


'Come in, please. Is the gentleman with you?'

'He's my husband.

'Wait here, will you, darling?' 'Of course, dear. '

Oh, that's nice, oh yes.

Mm... like that. 'Get undressed, please. '

Further down, to the right.

'Panties too, please. '

You're off target, Jack.

'Sit down here.

'Open wide. '

Well, what do you think?

When you go to the gynaecologist, I mean does he, er... ?

That man? But he's at least 90!

Supposing he was a young and handsome guy?

Well, it depends. I couldn't say.

'Doctor, what are you doing?' 'Just doing my job, ma'am.

'Now relax and let me concentrate. '

Would it upset you a lot if I did?

I'd be furious as hell, dammit!

And you'd have no other type of reaction?

I... I'd be excited!

You know, that even goes on at the store, all the time.

It's our boss, what a horny man!

He paws me every single minute, honest!

Oh yeah? Where does he paw you?

All over - my tits, my ass...

He was even grabbing a feel while he was saying his condolences.

What a swine! How about you, how did you react?

You just stood there, I bet! Come on, tell me.

I got carried away.

I wound up being dragged into the back room.

Yeah? Then what did he do to you? Tell me!

He threw me down on the table.

He opened my legs, and he touched me right on the button.

You mean here, don't you? Yeah.

Like that? Yes, like that.

Then what?

Then he turned me around and made me bend forward.

'Oh, fuck! What a cock!

'Give it to me! All of it!

'Rip my ass apart!' Higher up, darling, higher up!

Please!

I can't take it! It's your fault, you little sow!

That imagination of yours excites me too much!


You could both do a lady a favour today.

Sure, it'd be a pleasure.

I'm very willing to pay. Shall we say a million lire?

But to do what, though?

I want you to help me.

It's so cruel.

My ass is still a virgin. Would you... ?

Money to do it? Nah...

I know it's incurably romantic, but this guy says "no go".


I'm in mourning. Would you please not act so uncouth?

Subject to an absolutely binding clause by whose terms he will be enjoined from putting up new buildings or additional floors to the existing ones, I bequeath to Marco Valentini, son of my brother Luigi Valentini and therefore my legitimate nephew, the property of Villa di Mira...

She was always so selfish!

... of which he has clear and free title legally.

Is she kidding, that old ruin?

It'll only take 60 times what it's worth to fix it up!

Item!

I bequeath to Diana Bruni, daughter of the late Giovanna Valentini and therefore my legitimate niece my property consisting of the top floor of the building...

Oh! ... at 1477 Giudecca, Old Town.

In its present condition and with everything inside it such as is to be found at the moment of my decease.

You have all the luck. It's just what I wanted to get my claws on.

It was going to be my pied-a-terre in Venice!

Clause three.

I do hereby take all my other properties and all my gifts and incomes accruing thereto, as well as my cash account and bonds in branch number six of the Bank of Venice and leave them to the convent of the Carmelite Nuns in Vittorio Veneto, whom I supported fervently all my life. God bless her.

Your signatures.

You look great.

The air in Rome! Thanks.

I'm going to take a look at the penthouse. Do you want to see it?

That's impossible, Marco. We have guests tonight.

Don't worry about a thing, Nora. You go on back to Padova.

I'll go along with Diana and I'll be home in time for dinner.

Once again, please.

Father, you sign down at the bottom of the page.

The last shall be the first.

I'm glad you came along with me. Strange lady, Aunt Emma.

She liked us a lot, you and me.

Actually, of all the relatives, I'm the one that spent the least time with her.

But you knew about her? Well, sure.

At least the things the family said.

Discreet, organised, intelligent... above all, skillful.

Skillful? In what sense?

Skillful in bed, two or three lovers at a time, maybe four.

The right men though, stalwart citizens, full of cash and possibilities.

They helped her make her money grow.

As it turned out, she learned her lessons very well.

For herself and for us, as we heard in her will.

How about Uncle Harry?

A mystery! Did he know about her infidelities or didn't he?

Did he like it, or was it killing him?

Well, I still think he was really never interested in women.

But one thing's for sure, Emma was always gaga over him.

And if he were alive today, we wouldn't have inherited a thing.

What?

Don't worry, nobody's gonna take your penthouse away from you, Diana.

It's yours, and you can do whatever you want with it.

Who knows? I could run into you in Venice from time to time.

Certainly you will.

How's it going with you and Nora? How about with you and Paolo?

Stupendous!

Does he know about us? Know what, Marco?

That I had you before him, that in bed you and I did everything you can do.

You think so?

My dear, I have some bad news for you!

Come on, move it, Marco.

I feel Iike going up to the tip of the Dogana.

Do you remember? How could I forget?


You're a habit, you. I need more and more.

I used call you the Erector Set.

You used to say my Erector Set.

There's still the same stink of pee here as always.

I bet with all the tourists, even the ladies take a leak.

Spread your legs. I can't make any headway like that.

You just don't have the technique you once did.

No, you've just forgotten how to do it standing up.

I was sure.

Yes, her comments were quite uncalled-for.

She's learned nothing after all these years.

Hey, what is this? You're not going to leave me high and dry, are you?

Let's go to my house. We can do it in style and comfort there.

You mean Aunt Emma's penthouse.

That house is mine!

Oh, I've decided I'm not going back. I'll stay till tomorrow.

I want to spend the first night in my house.

Yeah, but I've got to get back home.

We have these guests coming for dinner.

Ah, as far as that goes, I told Paolo that I'd return tonight.

No, Diana. I simply can't do it. I can't.

No sweat, we'll make it for some other time.

I'm going to make good use of my house in Venice, yeah!

Marco, that's the ferry boat for the station.

If you run you can make it!

Listen, Diana. Do you swear you'll let me see the new house?

Sure!

I swear it.

But you got to hurry. Hurry!

So long!


My God!

Who would have expected this?

You were a trull, Aunt Em!

Well, it's sure to have cost you a lot of blowjobs, this penthouse!

Darling Aunt Emma, you're just sensational!

I love you more with every snapshot!


I did promise Paolo I'd call. Wonder if the phone works?


Donatien, Alphonse.

'Allô, oui?'

Morning, could I please speak with Alphonse Donatien?

'C'est moi. '

Ah, you might not recall, Diana Bruni, you and I met at someone's house in Rome at the party to meet the poetess?

'Ah, oui, the lovely lady I struck up a conversation with.

'Where are you calling from?'

Oh, Venice, I was left a small apartment that I'd like redecorated.

'And that is why you thought of me?'

Partly, after all, you said...

'I'm delighted that you did! Let's talk about it, come on over. '

Come on over? Where?

'To my place, right now. Palazzo Lorenzoni. It's easy to find.

'Just two steps for the Embarcadero Ca' Rezzonico. '

I know Venice, I know where it is.

'Then hurry, please!' I'll be seeing you.


Oh, it's cold!


Welcome!

Bright star. Hello.

Er... haven't we already met somewhere?

Flesh lies languid.

The mouth has its own empiricist.

Turgid, behind, it rejoices in the lacerated flesh.

This is more than strange. It's preposterous.

Go on in. Alphonse is waiting for you.


STREET OF THE FUCKABLES Bonsoir!

You found the place with very little effort, huh?

Sure.

You were with that poetess?

Oh, oui.

Just work.

At this hour of the night?

And you, didn't you come here for that?

Ever since that night, it's been like this.


The house of marvels?

Wait till we go upstairs, then you'll see.

To paradise? Inferno. My inferno.

Uh-oh...

Anytime...

Show me how to get there. No, you go first.

I want to admire your ass, ton cul.

Is this all right? Or do you want to see more?

Come on! Come get me!


My word!

It must have taken you quite some time to collect all of these.

Oh, I started early, with that one!

It's my ex-wife.

It's a very expressive face, I find.

Ah, oui.

From her I learned that the physiognomy of a person is all in the nates! lci!

This is a portrait gallery.

You can distinguish the timid ass, the brave one, the stupid one, the clever, the intelligent, lazy, happy, sad, carefree.

Everyone is the ass that he has.

Oh.

So what am I?

Voyons...

Headstrong, willful and disobedient.

But still a little uptight, closed, introverted.

Am I hopeless, Doc?

Not if you can play by the rules.

Let's hear the rules.

You must follow orders and do for me everything I want.

If you cry out, I stop.

Everything, at your command?

Right.

Down on all fours, over there. Why?

Oh, it's because the game has already started, and you know it!


Feel him!

No... oh, how strong and proud!

It's gonna hurt me, isn't it? Cry out and I'll stop!

It's up to you.

I'm so scared!

Do what I tell you... and it will all be natural.

Breathe deep!

As if you were in child birth, in labour.

Breathe with me!

Good.

Come on!

Was that a scream, Diana? No. I broke through the canvas, though.

Oh, don't worry. C'estpas grave. I'll have it restored.

L'enculeur... du monde!

'Happy banging I say!'

A FRIAR ONCE TOLD ME ONE OF HIS BIGGEST PLEASURES WAS TO MAKE A WOMAN BELIEVE THAT HER ASS WAS NOT MADE FOR SHITTING NO, HER ASS WAS SO DIVINE AND PRECIOUS AND COULD MAKE MEN HAPPY AND THUS AVOID ADULTERY

Incredible.

That fur piece was still hanging up in the closet.

I found some snapshots, too.

Dear old Aunt Emma. Who would ever have guessed?

The apartment is still just the way you see it there.

Nothing's changed at all.

It's mind-boggling, you know?

You should see the view out the window, the whole skyline of Venice.

For a young couple in love that place is Paradise.

Yeah, we put it up for rent. What?

I was going to keep it for the two of us.

We're a young couple in love.

Aren't we, darling? Uh-huh.


That's something new - you've shaved.

I've just indented the margins a little.

I have to be a demure and virtuous lady. After all, I'm an heiress.

That'll be the day, oh yeah!

What an insult!

Auntie Emma got you excited, huh?

I guess I shouId be jealous. I'm the one who ought to be jealous!

Tell me the truth, your cousin came over to see the apartment, didn't he?

Of course he came over.

Marco wouldn't let a chance like that go by.

Did he make a pass at you?

Well, he began to talk about when the two of us used to go out together.

Tell me.

We'd go up to the tip of the Dogana, and he'd touch my little flower under my skirt, and I'd put my hand on him. Show me how you did it.

Careful there, that meat's delicate!

He'd grab my head and get it right down, cos he wanted me to take it in the mouth.

What did you do?

Well, I put up a struggle, of course, but always a very brief one.

And did you do it again yesterday, in your apartment on the Giudecca?

Mm-hmm.


Great fantasies you've got.

Oh yeah? Mm-hmm.

I know you and Marco didn't do a thing, right?

One for you.

I decided to take advantage of good old Alphonse instead.

Another gent? Who is he?

That French guy at the party who I danced with.

I bet you inaugurated the apartment like that, huh?

No, at his place.

Beautiful decor.

OK, give me the details. Come on, come on.

He was crazy for my ass.

He had to have it, no matter what.

I couldn't have avoided it even if I'd wanted to.

He spread my ass and started licking my crack, down and up.

But it isn't so painful.

I could be persuaded.

And did you... ? Did I? Like an express train!

What's the matter? Why do you want me to stop?

Who gave that hickey to you? Huh?

That hickey on your neck! I don't know what you mean.

I thought you were making up one of your stories, but you really did it!

No, please, let me explain. Listen to me!

No, it isn't a fantasy this time. He fucked you!

That bastard prick fucked you!

No, Paolo, I swear it. He didn't fuck me at all!

I took it up the ass.


Please, darling, don't pout.

Better to talk it over, huh? Get away from me!

We've always had a good laugh over my little affairs.

You told me they made you horny. You liked that just swell.

Because they weren't true!

There's no difference, it doesn't matter in the least.

I'm really only yours.

Is it so naughty if I make it with somebody else?

I mean it's all... happy banging, right?

No, no, count me out! I don't want any part of your happy banging!

I guess it seems like the end of the world to you right now, but you'll see, tomorrow...

Don't get near me.

We're history, the past.

There never will be a tomorrow for us.

I'm not going to share my marriage bed with someone like you, you slut!

I shouldn't be surprised after all.

Blood will tell, but yours should be spilled!


Hey, you look all queer.

Thanks to Paolo. Big fight. Beyond repair?

Well, he wants a separation.

No kidding! Another woman?

No, something other than that. A man.

Paolo? No, me!

It was a guy in Venice.

Oh, really! You know, you had me scared.

Turns are up! Let me get these broads outta here.

Head for the showers!

OK, I want to hear all the details.

Woo! Don't do that.

Why in God's name did you tell him? That's just asking for it.

Well, we were only joking around.

It was just what they call a zipless fuck anyway.

Are you simply a slut or just dumb?

All men are really stupid pigs, oily and nasty.

The rule is to deny.

Deny everything in the face of the evidence.

Oh, they all preach equality of the sexes, you can bet on it.

But no one practises it. They're worms, all of them.

I don't want it to end up like this.

I was alone in bed last night and couldn't sleep a wink.

The best thing is to get a fresh male bod in there.

Who does Paolo think he is?

It's really simple.

No woman can be satisfied through the 360-degree circle.

Not by one man - each man has his own different taste.

And a girl needs to taste a lot.

You prattle and blather, but the truth is, you got kicked out by your husband, Nadia.

What's that? Please, kid, there's a black and blue ass in this story all right, but it's his.

No, no, no, come on, that's farcical.

Listen, I'll walk humble, only I must get him back, that's all.

And you're gonna help me. Just how, my dear?

Have a chat with him. Show him he's wrong.

Make him listen to reason. Brilliant of you!

He has to realise that the others just don't count.

And if he won't listen to me?

No, he trusts you. He thinks a lot of you.

Please, Nadia.

Do I have carte blanche?

Just how do you... how do you mean?

Look, it's white!

Oh my God, I'm getting a grizzled cooze!

Anyway, you get carte blanche.

OK, then I think I'll just pop on over at lunch break.

Thanks, Nadia. I knew I'd be able to count on you.

Mind if I have a shower as long as I'm here?

I was in such a big rush getting out this morning, I didn't even take a bidet.

That should never happen.

If you must, put off washing your face, chum.

But before leaving, always take a bidet.

You never know what might be coming up.


Yeah? Ah, it's you.

Yeah, yeah, sure, of course.


Hi. I'm glad you came. I could really use your advice.

Hmm... That's true.

Turd! I don't... Why?

There's a terrific girl you're treating like scum.

You don't know what she did to me! I certainly do.

I just don't see where it's such a tragedy.

Well, how should I have handled it? Give her a medal?

There was no need to do anything.

Look. You've got the most wonderful girl in the world.

She's classy, she's great. Worships you.

So why do you stifle her joie de vivre?

Because wives are supposed to make love with their husbands, nobody else.

You dumb-ass moron!

We're talking about a little affair of no importance.

You can't say that marriage encompasses the universe, or that you represent men of all types.

We're not back in the time of your mother and your father, take a look!

Would you like Diana to be like her? No, of course not.

And anyway I'm the beaten-down one around here.

What can I do about it? I'm jealous!

Ah, the facts come out in the light.

The real trouble is you're jealous. It's absurd and useless.

There's no kind of sense to it.

Paolo, I could understand your misery, if she were tired of you.

But no siree. She just wants minimal liberty, sex-wise.

Just the thing you've always had, you bum.

That's what's so horrible! The thought that she laughs with someone else.

That she uses the same little love words as she does with me!

Who's to know? She might even come!

No, no, it's more than I can stand, Nadia.

It's killing me.

I'm beginning to feel there's a time-bomb inside of me.

A few minutes ago I was asleep and dreaming that I was with Diana.

It was a nightmare. I tell you, I'm going... I'm going nuts.

I'm with you, Paolo. I'll prove it, if you like.

I'm very moved. Really, Paolo.

Here. Touch me.

Can't you tell how I feel for you?

If you only knew how many times I wanted to feel your hands on me.

Lie down.

Oh, goody. I'm glad to see I don't turn you off.

Don't worry. Really, I mean it.

Nobody's gonna see any jealous scenes.

Diana doesn't mind at all. She gave me carte blanche.

Diana? No, no, no, quit it!

I don't want you. I want Diana! Bullshit!

Your cock is calling you a liar!

Poor Diana thought her guy was different.

No way! You're all alike.

Prey to your old-fashioned, stupid ideas.

Honour, virtuousness, betrayal.

And a girl who's liberated is just a slut, right?

Try to understand, Nadia. I can't, I won't.

And if I did, it would be like admitting Diana was right.

She is, you imbecile! She's very right.

Fighting it is no use. You silly bastard!

I guess the trouble is you're a... faggot, honey!

Your panties.

I've met assholes before, but men take the cake!

Here's hell to husbands in general, and ours in particular!

Hey, chin up, little sister. We're out to enjoy life tonight.

Shorten up that long face!

My, would you look at him. Sex on the hoof!

Not bad. Let's take pot luck.

Hey, stud, come here a minute! Who, me?

I wonder if you could give me some information.

Sure, what?

How are you hung?

What the fuck! Come back here, you cunt!

Just don't let me catch you!

Hi, girls!

Holy mother of God!

What a piece of ass! Can't you tell that's a transvestite?

Hey, sweetheart, are you carrying a dong or not?

You're goddam right. Display, please!

You got it, but what do you do with it? It's mighty fine.

I can stick it in your ass, if you like.

Or I might stick this thing in yours.

Cool with me, 20 bills.

Fuck you. No, asshole, fuck you!

I said it first, you ugly, pimping, bull-dyke bitch!

You fucking bitches, I'll get you!

When we feel like living it up, where do we go?

I know a disco, yeah!

We can do better than that, Mother Superior.

We'll go to a place where anything can happen.

Even the worst? If you get lucky.

♪ Everybody fuck now

♪ Come on, let's fuck

♪ Baby

♪ Let my pussy take control

♪ Let my juices move you

♪ Fuck

♪ Let my pussy take control

♪ Let my juices move you

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody, everybody

♪ All you bitches

♪ All you brothers

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody suck some cock up

♪ Fuck all through the night

♪ Everybody fuck now

♪ Everybody

♪ Come on, let's fuck

♪ Baby

♪ Let my pussy take control

♪ Let the juices move you

♪ Let my pussy take control

♪ Let my juices move you... ♪

Hey, just a minute. I don't...

Hey, girls!


I'd like something strong. What do you have?

Try a 'Delirium'. It'll make a corpse dance.

That's right up my alley.

What's in it? Ecstasy.


Excuse me, could you give me some information?

What size are you carrying?

You shouldn't have to ask. The two of you already met each other!

The seminarian! I had a white collar on, in the streetcar.

Gosh, yeah.

Only why are you here?

I'm doing my research.

How can I do a thesis about sin, and not know what it is?

Viens avec moi!

Oh God, I'm gonna scream! Shriek, bellow!

Ah, I never met a tongue with a hard-on, you're great!


Is something the matter? No.

Nothing at all.


How's it going?

I'm minus underpants!

Give me one of those drinks!

Hello? Ah, yeah. What's the news?

No! Shit, no! Back off!

I don't give a fuck about any guarantee.

Just get me the fucking money quick, or it's your ass!

'Hello? Who is it?' It's Diana.

'You at a party?' Oh, yeah. It's great fun, fantastic!

'Diana, it's 4:00am and you're pissed. Come back home. '

'Who's there with you?' A wild boy. Oh, wow!

A bunch of fabulous men.

It's Paolo, guys! Say hi!

Hi, Paolo!

How's it sound, dear?

'Stop it!

'I forbid you! I'm your husband!'

Nah, you know who you are? You're a dumb, stupid asshole!

And this girl's liberated. I mean, I can screw the whole planet!

And not only that, I might not ever come home.

'Come back or not, who gives a shit, you won't find me anyway.

'I'm getting my ass outta here. I've had it.

'I'll move in with my parents today.

'You understand what I'm saying? I'm leaving!'

Fine, fine, fine!

I can't believe I ever sucked your cock, you shitface!

So, hurry on to little mama, and... and screw her!

Hey, you need some help?

Have you had it with the party? Yeah, he's gonna give me a lift.

It's almost dawn, and besides, I'm worried.

Paolo's threatening to move out.

Ah, come on, never! He's too in love, that boy.

I'm leaving. Fine, great.

I'll stay a little more.

I've found a hero of the Resistance!


'Think of what you're doing, Diana. Think of us.

'I love you, Paolo.

'PS But do you love me?'

'Dear Marikla, not only do I love him, 'but in my own way I feel that I'm a faithful wife.

'Going with other men doesn't mean I'm betraying him.

'Those are just casual flings of no importance at all.

'They're great for a quick thrill, 'but they have nothing at all to do with that mixture of body and soul, 'that makes my relationship with Paolo beautiful and unique.

'That's why I have no guilt feelings, no contrition, no remorse.

'That's why I don't want the love we share to finish like this.

'But how do I go about making him understand that? Diana. '

COLUMN: CONFESS ALL TO MARIKLA

'Feelings - Milan. '

Hey, Sara! Come here!


Want some? I just caught them.

No. I hate them.

Feel bad, huh?

Just think, you could be between Diana's legs right now, instead of sitting here eating your heart out.

What are you getting out of it?

Nothing!

Bullshit! You got a hard-on.

He's a goddamn traitor!

No, no way. I'll tell you. Trouble is, he's smarter than you.

He's got his priorities straight, he knows she gives you everything with love.

He feels that you're acting like a bit of an asshole.

Yes, because actually, you should approve of her.

Yeah, you know what that means? That he's a prick!

Thank God!

Anyway what good is it to destroy yourself with jealousy?

Develop a sense of irony and have a laugh about it.

With Diana.

Hey there! Dig up any clams yet?

Hey, I think we should be going. They must be looking for us.

Come on, this way. Hey, wait for me.

Come on, dinner's ready. Wait! I'm coming!

Yes? Who's there?

Hello? Please fuck yourself in the ear.

Who was that? Oh, one of my anonymous admirers.

That's the second time today they've hung up.

He'll come back, don't worry. Husbands always do, more's the pity!

Hello? Paolo?

Well, somebody's breathing.

Paolo? Is that you?

Can't you say some little thing?

You're still hoping! What does he have, this guy, that's so special?

Well, I love him, there's something special.

But he won't try to understand me.

It's his fault for not understanding that faithfulness is unnatural.

Yeah, yeah. But anyhow he's gone.

Oh my God, there he is now! Who, Paolo?

No, not Paolo, it's that Commodore Scarfatti with his latest piece, er... niece!

That man is so butch I just can't bear him.

Fine, I'll take the commission.

Hello, Commodore. Nice to see you again.

My dear Antonietta.

This is my long-lost niece, Maria.

Well, your family's remarkable.

All the nieces are so pretty. Good chromosomes.

I've told Maria all about your things.

She wants some styles that are truly intimate.

You do get my meaning? I certainly do, Commodore.

Now, let's see what we can find. White, red, black?

Miss, what do you prefer?

What do you think, Uncle?

I must ask Antonietta how she feels about it.

Well, I always say there's nothing like black, myself.

When a person has a light complexion like your niece, the effect is sensational.

Unless, obviously, Maria is tanned... here!

Oh, not here, no, never!

We'll just try a few of these on now. OK, Commodore?

Yes. That's fine.


Uncle, I don't feel this is right for me, come take a look.

If you knew how I feel!

Let's see. Hmm, looks a little loose.

You think? Would you be so kind as to show us?

Of course, Commodore, whatever you like.

Ah-ha... Now do you see what I mean?

It's disgraceful to take advantage of a young lady like that.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Unkie! All right, panties next.

That little lady is older than time.

Down, down. She knows just what she wants.

That's right, OK. Come on.

And now the denouement, a fast fuck! If he can manage to do it.

He'll manage, he'll manage. And not just one!

It's just evil. Certain perversions are simply intolerable!

It's all in how you look at it.

If you could I'd tell you to find me a 100 customers like him, and I could retire!

Stand up, dear.

I'd shove that guy and his nieces right in the...

I know, dear, I know. And I know there's plenty of room, hmm!

Do you suppose that for the Commodore that's love?

Love, you said? He doesn't begin to understand the meaning of the word.

None of you types do, all you know is sex!

Diana my dear, is something wrong?

It's a bad period I just have to get through.

A big fight with Paolo. Oh dear, you poor little thing.

You mustn't let the clients see you like that.

That's it. Come to my office.

That's a good girl.

Now what is this? Tell me the whole story.

There's not much to tell, Mister Silvio.

Paolo left me!

Oh my poor dear, cry your heart out. You'll feel better.

It's awful. All because I went to bed with a couple of other guys.

But I'm not sorry I did it. I mean, I didn't do it to hurt him.

Of course, my dear. I understand.

You didn't do anything wrong, not at all.

Oh, Mister Silvio. What are you doing?

Nothing, relax, it'll make you all better.

Hey! Wowee!

It's him! I know the sound of that horn.

Diana, where are you going?

Diana, it's Paolo!

I told you. A husband is just like a bad penny!

MR SILVIO IS A PIG

So... I suppose your folks are in good health?

I guess living, but I never went to their home at all.

Yeah? I'm surprised.

I've something to say. To me? OK, I'll listen.

I'll begin by saying I'll never get over what went on.

You mean to say something was going on?

I'm serious, Diana. I'm not joking around, you know!

I know, me too.

I couldn't leave you. I was just going out of my head.

Oh, Paolo. I love you, Paolo.

So I've decided now and for all time...

Live by your own rules. Go banging and take happiness in it.

That's how I like to hear my man talk!

Who the hell gave you that?

Oh, Paolo, you mean old shit!

Don't get mad. I just want to know, come on.

Once I would have told you that it was a boyfriend.

This time around I'll just say that I bumped into a tree.

Tell me the damn truth, Diana, I gotta know.

All right, Paolo, the French antiquarian is completely mad about little me.

You can do better than that.

Cousin Marco, he's arranging an elopement with me.

Go ahead, torture me. Get your jollies!

I'll always do everything that pleases you. And it does, doesn't it?

Yeah, you're right. I like you just the way you are.

I won't ask any more questions. Not many more, that is.

From now on, only one truth is recognised - this!

That's a great ass, looks real.

It creates a very fine effect.

I bet you didn't know that ass has been restored.

Really? You can't tell.

Well, it had a long crack right down the middle.

So, did you like your first Venetian night?

A-OK. A-OK?

Is that the best you can come up with?

You came up with something better than that last night, six times too!

I expect more gratitude than that. And I always pay my debts!

No, not now!

You'll ruin my eye-liner.

I have to go. I'm late already.

I'd much admire being let in on the secret.

Where're you going, done up like that? Date with cousin Marco?

Truth is, I don't even know where I'm going.

I just know it's a fabulous day.

Venice beckons me.

And I'll be happy!

Goodbye for now.


"I'm so in love with... with my husband.

"In my own way I feel I'm a faithful wife.

"Other men are just casual flings. That's why I feel no guilt.

"Believe me, I did nothing wrong.

"But how can I get him to see it? Diana. "

"Dear Diana.

"Hundreds of girls write me that they betray their husbands, but love them.

"This, as you call it, 'happy banging'

"is no longer the prerogative of only the males in our society.

"It belongs to the women too.

"The important thing is for him not to react with 'jealous banging'... "

'That's why I always tell my readers:

'Live your marriage as though it were a movie, not a prize-fight ring.

'Instead of torturing yourselves body and soul, 'learn to pretend, to act, to play a part.

'Obviously many of the women who write to me know these things, 'judging by the letters I'm printing in this issue. '

'Dear Marikla. There's a man, he's a widower.

'I work part-time for him as a housemaid, because I need the money.

'He likes to watch me do the housework bare-ass naked, 'and I don't mind one bit.

'I let him touch me, and sometimes more than that.

'Am I abnormal?'

Venice is an alcove, more than just a city.

A French poet named it sexe femelle d'Europe.

Alphonse told you. Mm-hmm.

I love you. And me? Don't you love me?

I'll settle for loving... this.

What about you? Do you love me?

Can't you tell that I love you?

That meat's delicate too, take it easy!

The problem is, I don't know how much film is left in Aunt Emma's camera!

Forget about the camera, concentrate on me!

Darling, it's true, we should live our marriage as though it were a film.

A precious heirloom for our grandchildren!