All Over the Guy (2001) Script

Captioning made possible by Trimark Pictures

♪ You got to face it

♪ love makes no sense

♪ don't try to fight it

♪ all your defenses are useless ♪

♪ To you now

♪ when you leave this room

♪ all you will think about is me ♪

♪ I'll be every song on your radio ♪

♪ Everything on your TV

♪ just wait and see

♪ even though you never looked at me ♪

♪ I know the real you is behind those eyes ♪

♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

♪ That lead to

♪ The real you

Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.

Hey. It's Tom...

Again. Um...

Call me.

♪ I'll take you by the hand and soon I'll pull your heart ♪

♪ Out of your body, and there is no way ♪

♪ You can escape me

♪ I know the real you is behind those eyes ♪

♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

♪ That lead to

♪ the real you

♪ the real you

♪ real you

♪ real you

♪ real... You

um... hi, I'm Eli Wyckoff.

I'm here for my test results.

And you're about an hour early.

Why don't you go get yourself some coffee?

Oh, I'm... I'm going to wait, if that's okay.

Okay. All right.

This your first time?

My... my first?

No. No.

I have this habit of getting tested after every boy...

Guy that I ever... You know.

Well, there's only been like 3 in the past few...

Oh... this is the third, so it's not really a habit...

Yet. Uh-huh oh, no! It's not like I think there's even a chance that I have... You know.

I know the dangers.

I do the police blotter for the Hollywood news, so... me and danger are like this.

So why are you here?

Feedback clinic. This is Esther.


Well, did you suck his dick?

Then you better come in.


Hi, I'm Tom.

And... i'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Tom.

So, um...

I'm 10 days away from my 30-day chip.

Yeah, um... Anyway.

Both my parents are drunks.

But, um... I still don't feel like I belong here.

You know?

I mean, I go to flea markets.

I vote. Even for, like, school board and... and prop... whatever.

I-I-I'm a special ed teacher, for Christ's sake.

It's not like I'm this Hollywood has-been, crouched in an airport bathroom, sucking on a can of final net.

So... why am I here?

The truth?

Truth is, I met a guy.

And if... I had to pick a... I don't know, a trigger, you know, I'd... I'd have to say it was all over this guy.

But, whatever. You know what? Who cares... How it happened.

Bottom line is I'm here.

And I quit drinking... And guys, because I can't be trusted with either!


Nice going.

Oh. Ha ha.

Yeah, well, I'll get it right one of these times.

It sounded right to me.

It's like you were telling my story.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I shared first, so I get dibs on the book rights.

That's fair.

So tell me about the guy.

Uh, you know what? No. I don't want to keep you from...

What? From what?

The important things in life, like stapling or filing?

Oh, please! I couldn't be more bored.

So this thing with that guy?

You seem pretty healthy with it.

Only to the sight- and hearing-impaired.

Pull up your chair, honey.

This one? Yeah. Move up.

So, you and your boyfriend. You broke up.

Oh, boyfriend. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, but... but things just got too...


You know? And I choked.

I'm an alcoholic. You do the math.

We met on a blind date, which sucked.

Then we became friends, and...

Now we don't speak to each other.

So, a happy ending.

How did we meet.

It all started with this phone call from my best friend, Jackie.

Tom! Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Damn it. Where are you?

I'm at a pay phone, 'cause I can't get my piece of shit cell phone to work unless I'm standing on my head with my fingers up my ass.

Whoo hoo! Yeah!

Fuck you!

Anyway, um... Listen.

Uh, what are you doing Friday night?

'Cause I just met this guy Brett at a furniture store on Montana, and he showed me this great love seat to die for, and I think I could get it wholesale.

There's just, um, one catch.

♪ Everything I want, you got it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪

♪ Everything I want, you got it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪ An-an-any luck?

Oh! Uh... With?

Oh, I don't know. I just figured by now you'd be looking for change beneath the seat cushions.

Oh, god. You did... you saw me?

Um, yeah, no. The whole routine.

The little dance thing.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Now I'm thoroughly mortified.

No, you're fine.

Don't... don't... don't worry about it.

Well, I know. But now it's, um, it's your turn to do something humiliating.

Oh, well, I... I work in a furniture store, so I've pretty much covered those bases.

Well, hello! Hey.

What's humiliating about an employee discount, right?

Which, by the way, does that apply to this sort of wheelie cartie thing?

'Cause this is yummy. Right. Look.

"A"... I get 10% off of this crap, and "B"... you know, I don't... I don't know if the whole clockwork orange come Ikea thing is really your scene?


Quite a salesman.

Yeah, I don't even know what half this shit is.

Okay. Great.

Well, you know what, though?

My heart does kind of beat faster for this love seat.

Oh, you're kidding!

Why? Do you hate it?

No, I... it's the only thing in the store that's mine.


Uh, one of my designs, yeah.

Oh! You're a designer.

Yeah, yeah. No, this...

This was one of my first projects.

Well, I love it. Thank you.

Uh, what is the color?

Sort of a yellow, beige, yellow...




I'm... I'm not gay. Okay?

Just 'cause I say butter... you know.

You know, I have this argument with Eli all the time.

God damn it, man.

You know, honestly, just 'cause I say buttercup doesn't mean I'm gay, you know?

Or I used to be gay, or I want to be gay.

Not gay, you know, just very...

Particular about the nomenclature I use regarding my palette.

And, uh, who's Eli? The boyfriend?

Right! No, no.

He's my... he's my, you know, he's my best friend, who happens... happens to be gay.

Well, you know what I think?

I think you're one of those guys who, you know, sort of flirts with a girl, maybe even takes her to dinner, and then, you know, when push comes to shove, the only frenching you'll be doing with her are her braids.

Well! That's pretty sassy.

So you've been braided a lot recently?

No, I... look, I know gay men.

Okay? I practically invented them. Oh, okay.

You know? And there's no such thing as a straight guy with a gay best friend he's not fucking.

Hey! Don't give me that look, all right? What?

My friend Tom... who by the way, is single, if you're interested...

Yeah, he's the first to agree.

Right, right. Uh, okay. Well, thanks for the tip.

I'm not particularly interested in... in... in Tom.

Uh, unless, of course, I mean, he has your eyes.

So, there's actually a chance that he didn't hate my guts, and I could be having his children on that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.

Which is where you come in.

I was like, great!

I figured next she'll be asking me to blow some guy for 3-day blinds.

You know in the movies, when a guy's in the supermarket and he accidentally bumps shopping carts with the love of his life?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, well.

The last few times I bumped carts with anyone, they looked like they were fresh off the special bus.

That is why I let my friends fix me up.

Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.

Eli, you there?

Buddy? Hello, hello.

That's right. There's an x-file marathon on.

I cannot believe I'm friends with a Trekkie. It's pathetic.

Okay, I am not a Trekkie. You got that?

I just like the x-files.

I believe the truth is out there. Don't you?

Yeah, whatever. Look, man. I, uh...

Fully hooked you up.

You have a date on Friday night.

What a minute. What?!

Mmm, yep, that's right.

Your losing streak is over, my man.

He's, uh, a total stud, like a big guy.

Okay, you always say that.

It's like entry level.

It means he's got nipples.

For you, that'd be a step up.

Ha ha. That's funny.

Anyway, like, uh, his, uh, his friend Jackie came into the store.

I completely hit it off. Yikes!

Let me tell you. She's got unbelievable K.B.

What is that? Killer butt? No.

Killer boobs.

Anyway, she told me about her friend Tom.

Uh, sounds like a nice guy.

I, uh, I told... I lied, basically.

I said you were a great guy.

Told her about you. That's really nice.

And now you two have to go out on Friday night.

Okay, wait a minute, says who? That's...

Hold on. Someone's at the door.

Actually, you know what? Can I... can I call you right back?

I just showed up at my loser gay friend's place.

I'll call you back.

That's funny. It's mainly junk.

Umm, anyway, look. I know it didn't go all so, you know, that well the last time with, uh... Richard, was it?

Rita! From ups. She was a woman!

Whatever, you know. She was still gay.

That's your problem. You're so picky.

Anyway, you yourself said she had K.B.

Killer... boobs? No, butt.

Okay, you know, the whole initial thing? It's got to stop.

And P.S. I never said K.B. I said K.G. B.

Killer garlic breath. Oh.

Whatever. Look.

The bottom line is, I made a reservation for you, for Tom, Friday night at Nick's, 8:00. Be there or be square.

Okay, you know, I hate it when people say that, 'cause even when I'm there, I'm square, so what is the incentive?

Well, he's a teacher. Sounds like a great guy.

Maybe you'll get lucky. You'll have to stay after class.

All right? Detention?

You like that sort of thing, don't you?

The discipline, the gravity boots, the whole thing.

You're welcome.

Of course, you went?

Yep. I went.

♪ She landed on my roof

♪ ...from Venus

♪ her ship ran out of gas

♪ fast as light and love came between us ♪

♪ Fashion girl from outer space

♪ I'll never turn you on

♪ future love

♪ that's right, that's right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight

♪ that's right, that's right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight

♪ it's all right if I love you ♪

♪ It's all right if I don't

♪ but I've been praying that you're running away ♪

♪ 'Cause I got the feeling, honey, that you won't ♪

♪ Supersonic safety love

♪ I'll never turn you on

♪ that's right, that's right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight

♪ that's right, that's right

Believe me, I didn't have high hopes for this date.

Well, you didn't have anything to lose.

I know. Honestly, all I kept thinking was, "I hope he doesn't smoke."

♪ sometimes I wish I had a gun ♪

Uh, I'm going to...

I'm going to go up to the bar and get another drink.

You want... you want something?

Yes, yes. I'll have another seltzer with lime.

Seltzer with lime.

Make it a white wine spritzer.

Spritzer. Got it.

On second thought, can I get a, uh, 7 & 7?

Rocks with a twist.

Okay. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I always get a 7 & 7.

Oh, hi. Yeah. We're going to have a...

Absolut Martini, straight up, two olives.

Make it a little dirty.



Do you like movies?

Yeah, I like movies.

Yeah, me too.

I think it was gay night on cable last night, 'cause I...

In and out was on again.


Nah, I just thought it was great, you know, to see a movie like that, with two guys.

Not with two guys.

You know, with two guys who... You know... In the movie.

I hated it.

Oh. Yeah. No. Me too.

I just... Thought it was light... Fun.



Fun to see Kevin Kline get on his sorry-assed, middle-aged knees and give us a big ole Hollywood blow job by catering to every cliched, homophobic, stereotypical idea of what it means to be gay?

Without having the decency or the courtesy or... or even just the balls to drop a little trou' and show us his.

Wait a minute. Come on. I don't know.

I thought it was nice to see a guy coming out to his family, his friends.

Not to mention his fiance. His fiance?

The loser bitch has been waiting her whole life to marry this Nelly, Barbara-loving, self-hating, geriatric English teacher who can't get it up for her.

And we're supposed to feel sorry for her?

Awww. No fucking way. I mean, you do the math.

Where the hell is the waiter with my drink?

You want anything?

I'm not even going to mention birdcage.

Can I get a diet coke? Sure.

All right. What was your favorite movie of all time?

Let's just... Let's just start with that.

You know what? I'm not a big fan of the favorites game, so why don't you go first?

Oh. Okay. Um...

Well, I know it sounds corny and cliche, but I have to say gone with the wind.

I never saw it.

Yeah, right.

I didn't. I... I never saw gone with the wind.

You're kidding, right? No.

I'm not kidding. Come on.

I... I never saw the movie.

You never saw the movie? No. I never...

Okay, fine. Do you want me to tell you that I saw the movie?

I will. I saw the movie.

It was the best movie I've ever seen.

Especially, especially that part where red buttons is up on the hill with Charlotte.

Oh, my god. You are scaring me!

What... what do you want me to say?

I'm not a big fan of black-and-white movies.

Relax, would you? Relax.

I saw fame like 15 times. Does that help?

Well, it's a start.

Wow, K.E.

What? What?

What... what did you just say?


Yeah, you just said something.

No, n-no I didn't.

Yeah, you did. You said, "K.E."

What... what... what is that?

It... it's nothing. It's... it's nothing.

It... It's stupid.

It's initial talk. Brett and I have been doing it for years.

It is so stupid. It means nothing. Trust me.

Right, so I just took a hit.

No, no, no! You didn't. Tom.

Believe me. I swear to you.

Oh. Damn it.

It means... Killer eyes, okay?

You know what? I-i-I'm going to go.

It's late, and uh... Yeah.

Yeah, let's... let's you and I go.

On our way. Ways! On our ways.

Separate. You and me.

You know. Here, let's split it.

No, I got it, I got it, I got it.

No. Let's split it. No, I want to do this.

Please. I don't want to do that. Just let me pay.

Let me just split it. Let me do this!

Let me just pay for my own. Just go!


He hated me. It's like I activated his gag reflex.

That is the last time I will let you fix me up.

You got that? Take it in.

Next date I go on is going to cost me $2.00 for the first minute and $1.50 each additional minute.

Did he say anything about me and Jackie?

What? No, it didn't come up.

Are you sure the guy was even gay?

Are you kidding?

I don't know. You know... With you...

How many straight guys you know pretend they're gay?

Besides you? Hello!

You sure he didn't say anything about me?

Hey, you want eggs? I can easily add an egg to this.

Can I have eggs? Are there eggs? Are there eggs?

You have to relax. You're becoming a crazy person.

You've been whipping for 20 minutes.

Your mother told me you were going to be like this.

My mom called you again?

What did you tell her?

No, she's concerned about you.

You never... you never talk to the woman.

You know? She thinks you're becoming a big loser.

Oh, that's... That's nice.

That's great. Thanks. Thanks for that.

Easy for her to say.

I know what's out there.

Guys with bad fucking hair plugs, staples in their dicks, beanie baby collections, or worse. Worse?

Oh, there's worse.

Oh, come on. It'll be so much better next time.

There won't be a next time.

Unless his name is Ben, Jerry, or Jose Cuervo.

Uh-huh. Like you haven't already had those guys.

And their brothers.

Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be with the same guy for more than... Oh, I don't know... 5 minutes?

With the guys I meet, 5 minutes is all it takes.


Okay, but more importantly, mmm... what did Eli say about me?

Is it going to happen with Brett?

No idea. Didn't mention it.


Like I care.

But maybe I should call Brett, and just, you know, find out what Eli said about your date.

Couldn't care less.

Right. Right. We officially don't care.

I get it... Yeah.

I definitely am not going to call.

Where you going?

Uh... home. To officially not call.

No, no, no, no. You were supposed to stay here and watch lifetime television for women and gay men.

Uh... no.

It's Joan Van Arc in not without my nose job.

Oh, angel. I've already lived that movie.

All that shit people say about finding "the one"?

I'm sick of it.

Tom certainly isn't.

I don't ever think I'm going to meet the guy who is.

You know, your whole problem is there's no such thing as "the one." okay?

You're such a liar!

Like two seconds ago, you told me how you think this girl Jackie is the one.

I met her one time.

I said she could be the one or one of the ones. There's not just one "one."

You know, there's fractions of one, there's halves of one, there's quarters of one.

You know, the idea is about making yourself open to someone, you know, perhaps Tom becoming the one.

Are you coming to the flea market with me tomorrow?

No, sweetie, by tomorrow, I'm hoping to actually have plans with a man who will appreciate me for my body, okay?

Not just my brains and wit and sense of style.

So dad's in town?

You're disgusting.

Why don't you take a date to the flea market?

Oh! Okay, that is why you never go steady.

I haven't gone steady since the seventh grade. You do the math.

Besides, he kept saying, "you do the math," even when it made no sense. What a turn-off.

What's the turn-on?

According to your mother, you haven't had a hard-on since she first took you to see the nutcracker at the Jewish community center in first grade.

Stop talking to my mother about my sex life.

What sex life? I have one.

Uh-huh. Right. Okay, you know, it counts.

I spent 10 years learning which buttons to push, now I just have to look at myself and I come.


♪ Everybody's looking for something ♪

♪ Step right up and tell me what it's all about ♪

♪ Well, don't you worry 'bout nothin' ♪

♪ If you see what you like, I'm sure we'll work it out ♪

♪ I come and see you on Sundays ♪

♪ East side, West Side, uptown or down ♪

♪ And all your problems will disappear ♪

♪ When you lay your money down

♪ vamos a alegresia ♪

♪ Let's make a deal, man

♪ vamos a alegresia ♪ Hey!

Hey! Hey, uh... How are you doing?

Good. Good. How are you?

Yeah. Good. Good, good. Good.

You, um... You look good.

God... thanks.

No, no, no. Really.

So, what, you were lying the first time?

What? No! No, no, no. I...

You got that fresh, Sunday morning, read the paper, cup of coffee kinda look.

Yeah, and here I thought I had that stale, Sunday morning hangover, choke on my own vomit thing going.

What are you, uh, what are you here for?

You looking for anything in particular?

Um, yeah, yeah, actually, I'm looking for a vintage Martini set.

You know, the shaker and the glasses and the whole thing.


How about you? You just... You just browsing?

Me? Are you kidding? I go nuts.

I have to look for one thing and just one thing.

And that would be what?

Hmm? A bathroom, actually.

Shit. They probably don't have bathrooms at a place like this, right?

Probably just porta-potties. God, I hate those.

You know, my parents had to rent like 4 of them for my sister's bat mitzvah.

Come on. You didn't come here looking for a bathroom.

I didn't?

Okay, I'm looking for an original Cornelius action figure, you know, from planet of the apes?

What, you're yanking my chain, right?

Yeah, actually, no, I'm not, and I really hate that expression, but you know, it was good seeing you.

I'll see you around. No, no! No, don't.

Come on, come on. Grow a sense of humor, will ya?

I'm not... you're funny! I'm not laughing at...

No, not funny bad. You're funny good.

Funny good. Look.

Why don't we go grab a cup of coffee, and then I'll help you go look for your Dollie.

Action figure!

So, is it just the apes or do you have Betsy wetsy, too?

Because Jackie didn't tell me that you were a doll collector.

Interesting. You know, Brett didn't tell me you were an asshole.

Speaking of which, what's up with those two?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Uh, so...

I, um, I thought you should know, they, uh, they hated each other.

Oh. Oh, right, uh, more than life itself, yeah.

No, no... No fucking chemistry.

I had the biggest planet of the apes collection until, like, the sixth grade, when my parents made me sell it at a garage sale.

They were afraid it was going to adversely affect my psychosexual development.

They're both shrinks.

Well, did it? What?

Affect your psycho... Whatever?

Well, I'm gay, aren't I?

Oh. So the apes made you gay. I don't know.

What is that? The ape theory?

Well, you've got a half-naked Charlton Heston in a cage...

Where he belongs. Yeah, right.

Plus my huge crush on Roddy McDowell and those cute, little leather outfits.

That, my friend, is a gay, pre-teen happy meal.

Do you have any Martini sets?

No, afraid not.

You know, I've got to admit, I don't even know what a Martini set looks like.

I... I wouldn't know a Martini if it bit me in the ass.

No, it shouldn't if you know how to make them.

Uh, I take it you do.

In my house, you had to.

I couldn't tie my shoes till I was 10, but I can make a Martini.

I was like Isaac on our sinking little love boat.

Thank you, sweetheart.

This is perfect.

So, Tommy. Have you met any nice girls at school this year?

Yeah. They're nice.

Hey. You give any thought to what we talked about?

None of the other fifth graders know what they're going to do after high school.

And what do I care about a bunch of pansy fifth graders with silver spoons in their mouths?

I sort of like the idea of teaching.

Teaching sounds good.

That's terrific, honey.

I can't remember them without a drink in their hand.

You know, when my father used to pitch baseballs to me in the backyard...

Uh-huh? He never spilt a drop.

Oh, my god. I can't even imagine.

Your parents didn't drink?

No, we never played games in the backyard.


First of all, we didn't have a backyard.

And second of all, the closest we ever came to a game was...

The feel wheel.

Rage is at the top.

Then we move down to frustration, confusion, loneliness.

On the other side, we have loving, affectionate, silly!

Okay? Eli, you go first.

Take your name and put it on the emotion you're feeling right now.

That's right, Eli. Don't think. Look inside.

What are you feeling? Right now. Go.

Don't think. Go. Go!


Do I have to, Dr. Wyckoff?

Can you do it for mommy?

You'd just be walking along and then you'd think...

"Gee, I feel happy," and then you'd put your little flag on the wheel?

No, no. It's just... Something my parents wanted us to do, so that... They would feel more enlightened.

Like getting us to say penis and vagina at the dinner table.

You know, so that we would feel comfortable talking about sex, which is probably why now I prefer pee-pee and hoo-hoo.

More pee-pee than hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.

Does it show?

I don't think that game would have been a hit in my house, unless there was a section on the wheel for thirsty.

Well, there was a section on the wheel for scared.

But... you'd have had to share that one with me.

Hey, no chance on the Eli and Tom thing. That's...

Oh! What a pain.

The gays are so picky.

No, no, no, no. It's Eli. I'm telling you.

He's got the worst D.K. On the planet.

Donna Karan?

No. Dating Kharma. Oh!

Yeah. No, it sucks.

He told me that "a"... He thinks he, like, insulted Tom a hundred times, and "b"... that he's... You know, straight.


Okay, so now, Tom is just a freak.

You know, he officially hates any guy that he likes.

Or worse, who likes him.

What, dude?

Yeah, well, welcome to the wonderful world of self-hate.

And he's not even Jewish.

What on god's earth is this?

I mean, honestly, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.



What's, uh, what's the hurry?

Oh, you know what?

Today is decoupage day at school, and I'm late, so...

Oh, okay.

Um, listen, I just...

I want to apologize for yesterday and last night.

It just shouldn't have happened.


I mean, I feel like we got off to a really good start, but then I feel like I kind of fucked things up, so I promise it won't ever happen again.

Good. Yeah. I...

We shouldn't have...

Anyway, it was both of our faults, so...

No. No. I... well, yeah.

So, you know, let's just pretend it never happened.


Great. All right. I'll see you later.


How you doing?

I don't know. We had a great time. I don't get it.

Looked to me like you did get it... something called laid.

You know, FYI, gay guys don't necessarily play the same bases as straight guys do.

It's still fucking, dude.

Hello, gentlemen.

You don't mind if the brother hangs out, do you? I had him fixed.

Do I have a choice?

I don't get the double standard.

You know, guys can do all kinds of things with women, and they won't call it sex unless they actually fuck.

You know, like sex with interns.

Listen, I'm not judging you. You know, it's just sex, man.

I'm not being defensive. I'm trying to explain to you that a guy can get together with another guy and do all kinds of things without necessarily, you know.

Right. Good. That's enough.

It's a big step. I know couples who have never and probably will never actually...

N.t... new topic.

What? What is with you? You were never this squeamish in college.

That's because you were dating women.

Yeah, well, it's the same thing if you don't count the vaginas.

Oof. I count them: 4... so far.

Okay, you know what, Mitch?

Doesn't count if they have inflate nozzles.

Hey, look man, it's not like, you know, you picked him up at ye olde cock and balls and got out the butter spray and the choke collar and the whole thing.

I mean, you spent an afternoon together, right?

I mean, obviously he likes you.


Fuck, these are new.

What's the matter? Are you cranky?

You know, I don't want to do this anymore.

That's fine. That's great.

Okay. Well, you did a terrific job.

Hey, listen, what are you doing on Friday night?

Are you going to go out with the guy?

I don't know. Why, did Jackie say something?

I don't know, but if you're coming Friday night, she can tell you herself.

Yeah. No, I'm not doing that. That's so seventh grade.

Well, you'll catch up. Huh?

Did she invite Tom?

No. It's just us. It will be fine.

7:00 Friday night. All right?

All right. Take this.

Have a Valerian or something. Take a nap.

He's too intense.

You know, I like him as a friend, but...


That is just fear of intimacy, which by the way is so 1991.

Pause. Marie?


Put the headphones on.

The headphones... there you go.

Um, nice, Marie, but I need more smile and less sell, okay?

Uh, have fun.

Okay. Great. Fun. All right.

Good. Topnotch. Thanks.

The way you did in the audition, remember?

The reason we hired you.

Right. Absolutely. Yes.

Good note. Really good note.


"New vita-power energy bars with tasty, chewy goodness in every bite."

I'm just glad you met a guy with half a brain in his head.

Oh, wait, let me find the love in that...

Oh, right, there is none.

Hey, I'm not the one who fell in love with a guy who could only get a job selling sperm samples and doing experimental drug research.

Wasn't he allergic?

Yes, but he was cute, and you know it.

Yeah, when the hives cleared up.

"During and after your living and giving life."

Pause. Sweetie?

Uh, yeah.

What are you doing?

You're not Kathleen Turner, okay?

No, I'm not. I'm not Kathleen Turner.

That's right. Yeah, I'm me.

Is that what you're saying? I should be me.

No. What I'm saying is that this isn't blue cross, blue shield.

It's an energy snack, so why don't we have some... I don't know... energy?

Energy... yes, of course! Okay, you're right.

All right, because it's vita-power, and "vita" means life.

Okay, now, correct me if I'm wrong:

My intention should be to have...

No, to give more life...

Except as a bar.

But, Jackie, my concern is that I'm going to be over the top.

No. Honey, you're so under the top right now it's like you're selling me a douche.

Okay? I'm getting you on the beach in a floral-print dress talking about feminine freshness.

Is that the read you're going for?

No, that's not.

Those were good word pictures.

Okay, just translate them for what I need.

Okay, good. Yeah, I can do this.

I'm just going to keep going.

You are so mean. You're not even listening to her.

Yes, I am. She thinks she's doing books on tape.

I think she's good.

Well, don't change the subject.

Brett and I are cooking dinner on Friday night.

Ha! What are you having?

Shut up. You're coming.

Is he invited?

No. Just you.


That's it. Go home.

You want me to go? I should go home?

No, you're incredible.

I mean, that voice...

Don't even kid yourself.

You're going to have a huge career.

Oh! Okay. I thought...

Thank you. Well, thanks to you.

Jackie's a piece of work.

Brett's a lying sack of shit.

You look good.

I have no idea who this is. I'm going to kill you.

If this is a sports figure, I'm going to kill you.

Jaleel white!

Elie Wiesel!

You're actually not my partner. Okay, come on. Go.

What is it about this look that makes you think I know?

Come on. All right, pass. Pass. Pass.

Okay, this one. Oh, fuck, open.

Okay, the ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! "Allegedly" ...what are you, nuts?

Just say it!

O.J. Simpson.


That's like saying Jackie allegedly got a nose job.

Shut up.

Both of you shut up. Okay?

All right, this one... the first name rhymes with this... okay, could you never, ever do that again?

Just say it.

Time! Time, time. Time.

Brett, is it maybe time?

What the fuck was that?

I bet you it was one of Brett's.

They're so hard because he's so smart.

Apparently not smart enough to know that you had a nose job.

What, I told you about that.

No, you didn't.

So what's the diff?

Come on, Brett, like you couldn't tell...

Every Jewish teen-age girl with money winds up with that nose.

Don't you think it's, like, a little bit weird, though, that everyone on the planet knows but your boyfriend?

Seriously, Eli, who was that?

Okay, well, I was doing the hula, so...

I mean, it's a little strange. Right?

Okay. They used to call me the jackal.

All right? So I got a nose job.

Are you happy now?

All right. I give up. What rhymes with hula?

Wow. The jackal. That's brutal.

You're being a jerk.

Yeah, but I'm being an honest jerk, so that counts for something, I think.

Oh, wait. Shh. You hear that?

That's the sound of you not getting laid tonight.

Ha ha ha ha...

Oh, that's wonderful. Did you guys hear that?

That was the sound of Jackie being a bitch.

Did you guys hear that?

Yeah, I did hear that...

Well, what do you want from me?

I don't know. How about a little honesty. You know...

Oh, come on. You know what, the self-pity bus stops right in front of my building, pal. Don't miss it.

Well, maybe I'll get on the self-pity bus, you know? Maybe I'll get a transfer.

Okay, you know what? Can we get out of here before they start looking like my parents?

Fine with me.

All right. Your place?

Uh, yeah, okay. We can take one c...

Oh, hey, hey. Was that Tallulah Bankhead?

No, no. Rula Lenska.

Rula Lenska.

Who the fuck is rula Lenska?

Oh, I'm so sorry...

Oh, you're tickling me.

Guess they made up.

Hope she paid for Scotchgard.

Mmm. Oh, don't do that.

Ooh, not right now.

Like when people say "ex cetera" instead of "et cetera"...

What is that, "ex cetera"? Crazy.

Oh, my favorite is

"for all intensive purposes."

That's like nuts. It's like, you know what, where'd you go to school?

Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?

I mean, I don't know how you could eat that food.

No offense, but Jackie can't cook for shit.

No wonder Brett's losing weight.

Hey, hey, hey... Hollywood news. Where's your section?

Oh, no. You don't have to.

Oh, come on, please.

I's embarrassing. God, I mean it's...

Here, that's it right there. But don't...

Look at that: "Police blotter.

Yeah. I don't want you to...

"Juan a. Mass, 35, "arrested early Sunday for D.U.I.

"Blood alcohol level was 2.1 when suspect was apprehended by L.A.P.D."


It says "apprehended."

No, it doesn't. It's "apprehended."

It says "apprehended."

Oh, my god. Shit!

To apprehend. That's when, what, they grab the guy on the ass?

Goddamn. I proofread this like a million times.

Oh, god.



Do you know what you need?

Yeah. A new job, apparently.

No, no, no, no. You need a drink.

A drink. A real drink.

Do you have any vodka?

Um, I don't know. Is this vodka?

I've had it since like 1947.

All right, do you have Martini glasses?

Those are my Martini glasses.

And my juice glasses. And my water glasses.

All right, never mind. They'll do.

I am going to introduce you to the wonderful world of Martinis.

No, no, no. Screen, screen.

No, no. Let me get it.

Come on. Let the machine get it.

You know what, I bet you can't do it.

I can do it.

I dare you.

All right.

Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.

I got to get that piece- of-shit machine fixed.

Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff.

There's something wrong with your machine.

Who's that, your shrink?

No, it's my mom.

You refer to her as...

It took her 12 years to get her Ph.D.

She likes to hear herself say it, okay?

Now move. No, come on. I'm serious.

Eli, I was just reading the new England journal of medicine.

And there's a pull-out section on the new t.S.E...

Testicular self-exam and how to make it part of your lifestyle.

My god.

Do you want to try it?

No. Come on. God damn it. I can't bel...

I faxed the diagram over to your office.

I put your name all over it.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Yeah. Don't listen.

The hues just hit you right in the face.

You may want to give yourself an exam while I read aloud.

I think we should do this exam together.

Okay, let's take a deep breath together.

Okay, start by lifting the penis to one side.

Oh, my god.

Slowly roll the testicle between the thumb and fingers, applying slight pressure.


Hello? Mom?

It's me.



Eli. Oh, well, are we screening?

Yeah... no. I wasn't, actually.

We just got in.

We. Mm-hmm. What does that mean?

Can I call you back?

Do we have company?



No, but...


Will you stop?

Wear a condom.

Oh, god, mom, no. It's not like...

Did you hear the stuff about the t.S.E.?

Did you hear what I was talking about?

Yeah. We both did. Thanks.

Maybe you could both do it together then.

Nothing wrong with helping each other with a testicular exam.


Don't be shy.

I got to call you later, okay?

Wait, honey, please, hold on for a second.

Call me tomorrow morning between 6:50 and 7:00...

Good-bye. God.

I feel so dirty.

So why does it matter if I'm Jewish?

You heard that?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god.

I am going to go to the bathroom now and hope to god that I can overdose on tums or Maalox or pine-scented glade.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be. It wasn't that bad.

Really. It was funny, actually.

Will you please call mom for me? I cannot talk to her.

The woman stopped having boundaries when she stopped wearing a bra.

And the fact that I know that... ooh.

I know. It's scary.

Does she pull that shit with you?

Are you kidding? She wanted me to tape my first time for her professional evaluation.


I'm not telling you.

Oh, god, and did I tell you... she just sent me this article about circle jerks in the new safe sex.

Can you believe I thought

"circle jerks" was a figure-skating term?

Well, you know, it is... With the male figure skaters.

Will you please call her for me... please.

I cannot talk to her.

You know, you can't fight it.

And the more you try to avoid her, the more she's going to insist on meeting...

What's your new boyfriend's name?

Tom. And he's not my boyfriend.


I don't know what the hell he is.

What do you want him to be?


I... no. Yeah.

It's like... I... no, no...

I just wish I knew one way or the other.

Okay, put the bong down, space cowboy.

He's your fucking boyfriend, just like I said.


Oh, hey.

♪ When you said to me

♪ you are not so old

♪ did I know it then

♪ 'cause I had just been told

♪ I didn't think I'd find you

♪ perfect in so many ways

♪ but I've been waiting

♪ waiting what is it with you and nudity?

Nothing. But that movie was pandering.

It was an art film.

Yeah... the art of guys with 6-pack abs blowing each other every chance they get.

And every gay guy in L.A.

Is like "run, don't walk."

And the problem with that is...

Christ, you may as well stay home and watch the hand that rocks my ladle or Pocahoncho.

At least those movies don't pretend to be something that they're not.

You have those? Pop them in.

Oh, god. See? You're part of the problem.

Let me get this straight.

You think that a movie about 2 guys...

It can't be about love... Just sex?

Those guys were in love.

Granted, it was a special kind of love.

The kind of love that required latex.

Oh, my god. You know what, never mind.

I cannot have this argument with a guy who never saw gone with the wind... what is that?

God, would you relax.

Huh? You're going to give yourself an aneurysm.

You are infuriating.

You... you don't have to.

Do you want me to stop?



Man, you always smell so good.

Okay, there you go.

So, uh, Saturday is tennis, right?

There must be an open on...

Australia, British. Pakistani, right?

Is something wrong?

What? No, no.

I just want to watch TV, that's all.


That's okay. Whatever. I get it.

Get what?

Same as usual.

The whole come-here- go-away routine.

What, do you want me to keep massaging you?

I will, but I got to tell you, this isn't exactly the way to get me to want to.

No, Tom, it's actually fine.

You know, that's just...

You're not attracted to me, you want to just be friends... I can handle that.

But then stop fucking calling me and inviting me to see semi-porn on a Saturday afternoon.

And then drag me back to my house and start rubbing my shoulders and expect me to be like, "hey, buddy, thanks a lot. I'll see you around."

What is so wrong with taking things slow?

Huh? Why does it always have to be all or nothing with you?

I don't know.

All right, fine.

Then maybe we should cool it off for a while.

No, I like you. I do.

Thank you.

It's just...

I want to have a good time.

That's all.

I don't want to make this this intense thing.

And you seem to want this...

I don't know. I don't know.

What do you want?

Eggs, actually.


Remember cooties?

Don't touch the losers or you get cooties.

And who are the losers?

Easy. Anybody with a hard-boiled egg in their lunch bag.

Well, I don't think Tom liked what I had in my lunch bag.

What about sex? I mean, people do have sex.

Sex is the logical outgrowth of...

Eli, let it out.

No, you know, I don't want to talk about it.


Why do you feel the need to beat yourself up?

Why won't you let us into the now?

Why do I feel like I'm in a cheesy seventies est seminar?

Good. How else do you feel?

Would you like us to bring out the feel wheel?

You know what, no. I would actually like it if you would just leave me alone for a little while.

Let me in.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm your friend. What is wrong?

I'm fine, okay?

I don't think so.

It's this guy.

I knew it.

He has this reputation for being sort of easy.


Not with me.

With me, it's hard.

Or not hard... maybe that's the problem.


Oh, Eli. What is this?

A closeted gay teacher is outed by a former student on the night of the academy awards in the ground-breaking comedy starring Kevin Kline.

I hate this film. David, come in here, you won't believe what they're showing again.

What a piece-of-shit film. Honestly.

Like we're supposed to believe...

Look at this. They're showing it again.

They showed it last week.

That this woman's going to fall in love with a middle-aged, homophobic, self-hating teacher who's only now discovered he's gay.

We hated this movie.

I don't think so.

Change the channel. Change the channel.

Fuck you!


Hi, sunny.


Oh, honey...

That's so sweet.

But right now the thought of food makes me want to borch.

Pretty picture to wake up to, huh?

Well, "a"... I can't imagine waking up to any other picture, and, "b"...

I don't ever want to have to.

What is this?

It's your capers.

I know how you like them on the side.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, shit.

D... huh?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I...

Of course I'll marry you.

It's just that now everybody's going to think we're doing it because I'm pregnant.

You're kidding me. Are you kidding me?

Holy... oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Mmm. Mr. Preggers.

Mr. Preggers. Wake up, Mr. Preggers.

We should have never fooled around.

I know. Why don't you have some more wine?

What can I say? He doesn't make me weak in the knees.

Please. That is exactly why you should be with him.

I mean, the ones that make you dizzy are only good for a quick fuck.

The rest are marriage material, like Brett.

That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

Wait. What?

Wow. Wow, that was fast.

Well, tick-tock, you know?

You're crazy.

I want you to be my man of honor.

There's no such thing.

So? You're my best friend.

I couldn't even imagine anybody else by my side.

And your first duty as my personal slave is to pretend to love it.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Thanks. I love you.

♪ I've been walking backwards lately ♪

♪ To see if I could find you ♪ It's Jackie. Again. Hello?

Where are you? Call me back... stat.

♪ Imagine you falling asleep ♪

♪ Watching TV in the den

♪ if I could bring you back ♪

♪ Talk about...

Hi, this is Tom. Leave a message or don't.

This is the bride-to-be.

I really wouldn't mind having my best friend around right now, being that it's the most important time of my life.

But, hey, maybe that's just too much to ask for.

♪ Anything just to see your face again ♪

♪ And just to make you smile

♪ and set me free

♪ if I could bring you back

♪ well, that'd be the sweetest thing ♪

♪ If I could bring you back

♪ to me

♪ Turn his head and run

♪ and don't look back

♪ because I fear

♪ there is nothing left to say to you ♪

♪ That you want to hear, that you want to know ♪

♪ I think I should go

♪ the things I have done are way too shameful ♪

♪ Oh

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh freeze!

Jack. Jack, pick up. It's me.

Jackie, please pick up.

All right, well, I met someone...

Apparently. Fuck!

Listen, Jack, I'm...

I'm really sorry I haven't returned your calls.

I've been a shit, all right, and it's me. It's not you.

Like you don't know that.

Jack, I really, really need to talk to you, all right?

I'm freaking out here.

Oh, Jesus, this guy has the number 8 tattooed on his... Wait.

Correction. It says "eighth wonder." okay. Yeah. You know, I really know how to pick them.

Jack, please call me back.

Open your eyes and look at me.

No, I don't think I will kiss you...

Although you need kissing badly.

If the right moment ever came.

You're a conceited, black-hearted, varmint, Rhett Butler, and I don't know why I let you come and see me.

I'll tell you why, Scarlett.

The war can't last much longer.

Really, Rhett. Why?

There's a little battle going on right now that ought to...


How have you been?



Listen, um...


Well, what I was going to say was I've been procrastinating about this whole wedding thing.

I haven't gotten a gift for Jackie's shower yet.

I guess I'm in denial.

I'm sure it's not the first time.

Yeah. Right.

You know, Tom, I guess I never got the e-mail, you know, that our cooling-off period was officially over.

And, frankly, I'd like to renew my option.

Um... yeah. I...


Fuck... fuck...

Hi, this is Eli. Leave a message.

Yeah, it's Tom again.

Listen, I'm all for keeping things casual...

Now he's over me. That's just great.

But that doesn't mean we can't go out and buy a baby gift together, does it?

I hate people like this.

I know.

They play this game. Once you decide to play it, too, they don't want to play it anymore.

I mean, what the fuck is that?

Yeah. You know, I'm starting to think that's all there is out there anymore.

Well, that's wrong.

Nope. No, here's what I think.

I think who I am, you know, what I've been...

Not working so much anymore.

From now on, there's going to be a whole new Eli.

The whole love thing... I don't buy it.

Well, how come it works for me?

Oh, my god, you are so full of shit. It doesn't work for you.

You fall in love with a different person each week.

My point exactly.

No, no, no. You fall in love with the idea of being in love...

With a married man to, what, experience the rush of breaking up a family?

Now you fall in love with a deaf guy to learn sign language?

Well, I did.

Okay, honey, this does not constitute sign language.

And then with a woman just to piss off mom and dad.

Okay, how much did that backfire?

That's the year that they decided to run for co-president of p-flag.

You know what, from now on, it's just going to be one-night stands, casual sex, just a lot of close friends.

Hmph. You sound pathetic.

No, you know what? For the first time in my life, I think I actually make sense.

Great. Glad to help you through the pain. Bye-bye.

Bye. I'll call you later.

Yeah, will you tell that other Eli to give me a call?

This one sucks.

If that's him, you're not going shopping.

Okay, FYI, the only reason I'm here is because your whole tires-got-slashed-story was so much more believable than the first 13 messages you left me.

Personally, I thought I had you with the tickets to X files on ice.

I already saw it.

I always wanted one when I was a kid.

Surprising, huh?

Oh, my god, I had so many dolls.

My dad would have killed me.



My house was like a free-for-all.

My sister had all these Barbies and kens, and my parents made me play with them.

Your parents forced you to play with dolls?

Oh, it was just so I could learn the names of all the body parts.

Pick whichever doll you like.

It's your choice. They're all beautiful.

Good. Now switch.

What do you call this?


Yes. Vagina. Good, Rayna.

Eli... vagina.


Now say it like you mean it: Va-gi-Na.


Yes. Yes. Yes.

I always thought Ken was gay.

He was when I got through with him.

That's another story.

You know, you and Ken together...

It's strangely erotic.

Well, we have been known to do private shows, if you're interested.

Not today.


Hello, there, Eli.

I'm fuzzy wuzzy the bear.

Jackie would love this bear.

♪ Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear ♪

♪ Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair ♪

♪ Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? ♪ Was he? Was he?

Was he? Was he? Was he?

Was he? Was he!

Was he! Was he!

Was he. Was he. Was he.

That's what I said.

No, no. You said, was he?

It's was he.

What's the difference?

You're kidding, right?

You just established that fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.

Why would you then ask, was he?

Like a question, like you didn't know if he was fuzzy or not.

It is a question. I'm asking if fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.

What is so wrong about that?

It is a rhetorical question.

There's no answer to it.

It's supposed to be ironic.

"Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he."

I don't think it's that obvious if fuzzy wuzzy was or wasn't fuzzy.

It is the point of the whole goddamn thing.

Man, why are you so uptight?

No... there always has to be a right way with you and a wrong way with you.

I mean, is that why you like being with me...

So you can feel like you're right all the time.

What? No.

That's... is that what you think?

Alls I know is you have this rigid idea of how I should be.

"Alls you know"?

Right. Right. I can't.


Oh, boy, it's mine, mine, mine!

I love this.

Well, enjoy it now, honey, because in a month or so, you're going to be ripping the seams.

I'm going to kill you.

Rachel, could you shut the fuck up?

You're cackling like an idiot.

Come on, Liz, grab some bows and help us with the rehearsal bouquet.

Why do you want me to do it?

Because you think it's the only time I'm ever going to get to hold one?

Okay, Liz, what time is therapy, hon?

Do they make house calls?

That's really sweet. Very supportive.

I'm taking my gift back.

I'll make it. I'll make it.

Thank you. Nice person.

Wait! The door. Get the door. Get the door.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Is Jackie here?

Hey, Jackie, did you forget to pay some parking tickets?


Are you Jackie gold?

I'll be Jackie gold.

I'm going to kill you guys.

I can't believe you did this.

Jackie, you have been a bad, bad, bad girl, haven't you?

Oh, baby! Oh, yeah!

Put that thing away.

Go ahead... Great angle.

Oh, my god.

You work that Booty.

Uh, I love him.


This is it! This is it!

Okay, that is going to be amazing!

Enough with the pictures.

That was great. It was great.

I hate it with the pictures.

Ah, ring, ring, ring, ring.


Forget about the ring.

Can we talk about our friend the cop?

You mean your future ex-husband?

So how long you been doing this?

Too long...

Let's go, ladies.

Let me ask you this.

How many of these gifts can I take home with me?

You're crazy.

I wrap beautifully, though.

Don't you think we should share?

You don't even like mine. Can I take it back?

Excuse me... one second.

So, um, you know, I've been kind of bad myself.

You have?

♪ Please forgive me if I act a little strange ♪

♪ For I know not what I do

♪ Feels like lightning

♪ running through my veins

♪ every time I look at you



How much do I owe you?

Uh, $9.22.

All right, why don't you keep that.


Thanks a lot.

Have a good night.

You, too. Thanks.

♪ And there's so much I want to say ♪

♪ Want to tell you just how good it feels ♪

♪ When you look at me...



Where did you find this?


Thank you.

I took it out of the box so you could play with it.

It came in a box? The original box?


Where is it?

I tossed it. Why?


Never mind.

And then it happened.


We went where no 2 men should ever go without a prescription.

Trust me. You don't want the details.

Are you nuts?

At my age, the details are all I got.

Take off your...


It's the remote.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-a Let's not...


That's the back of my leg.

Oh, sorry.

Kidding. Kidding.

That's funny. That's funny.


Don't you want to...

You have a thingie?

Shut up. Shut up.


You know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

♪ For I know not what I do



Look at me.

I... love you.

Oh, my god.

I love you.

Oh, my god.

♪ Every time I look at you

I'm hungry.

Yeah? You like eggs?

Why don't I make us some eggs?

Well, I'm supposed to meet my parents at the country club for brunch.

Do you want to come?


Hi, mom.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, dad.


Um, this is Eli.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Hello, Eli.


Nice to meet you.

Well, why don't we all sit down?

Lydia and I can share a menu.

I'll get another set up.

Do you guys want coffee or juice or anything?

Yeah. Coffee with milk.

Can I get a mimosa and a coffee..And a water?

You'll fill up on liquids, honey.

Save room for your meal.

Leave him alone, Lydia.

I wasn't criticizing him...

He's obviously old enough to please himself.

Yeah. So, uh...

What have you guys been up to?

Well, not much really.

We got back from Keenan on Friday.

And, oh...

And then I took the girls from my church group to see the phantom of the opera.

Oh, is that still running?

It was Friday night.

Right. Right. I didn't know.

75 bucks a shot... it's absurd.

It's like throwing money in the trash.

It's theater, Jim.

It's trash, Lydia.

All right. All right. But how was it up in Keenan?

What? What's wrong?

Now's not the time, honey.

So there's a right time to ask about Amy?

Stupid. Excuse me.

You heard me, Lydia.

You talk to me like that, you'll see what you get from me.

Is that a threat, Lydia?

Dad, could you not...

Shut up, Tom.

Oh, that's rich.

Let's go.

Come on. Let's go.

Let go of me. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Get your hands off me.

I told you...

You always do this. You always pull a scene.

Let's go.

Tom. Tom, the valet's that way.

I'm not ready. If you want to go, I'll take a cab.

It's a nice club.

You think if I were half-Jewish, they'd let me halfway in the pool?

I'm really sorry.

You didn't do anything.

Who's Amy?

She's my sister.

What? I didn't know you had a sister.

Okay. I have a sister... Amy.

She lives up north at a special needs facility.

Was she in an accident?

No. No. F.A.S... Do you know what that is?

Fetal alcohol syndrome. Any other questions?

Hey, pal, I'm on your side, remember?

I don't want anyone on my side, remember?

You think just because we fucked, that makes us "we"?

I didn't ask for this, for you, so just stop.

You called me, remember, so make up your fucking mind!

How many ways do you need to be told to leave me the fuck alone?

You know what, asshole?

Just one.

Alls I know...

All I know is if I wasn't loaded half the time, I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

Don't you feel like the older you get, the less you really know about anything?

Absolutely. I don't know shit.

People think just because I managed to make it to 60 without getting a Colombian necklace or run over by a u.P.S. Truck that I have the answers to life's questions.

Great. Great. So there's no hope.

Ah, don't do that.

See, I'm not that deepshak Oprah or whatever the hell he calls himself...

Who tells you, you believe in yourself, you can do anything. Pish.

Alls I know is you keep your 2 eyes on your own paper and both hands on the wheel.

And a multivitamin can't hurt.

So I guess the lesson is the same with booze As it is with guys: Wanting it and having it...

Totally not the same thing.

I'll be right back... bathroom.


Sometimes I think you can want it and have it.

Isn't that what happens now?


Oh, what do you mean...

About Eli being at the wedding?

No, that's not what I meant.

Oh, wait, wait...

No, no, you wait a minute.

You made me wait too long.

You think too much, buddy.

Told you... negative.


So I guess that's it.

It's nice meeting you.

Oh, you're going to be seeing a lot more of me.

You'll see. You know, now that I'm off relationships and just doing one-night stands.

Yeah. Sure.

Take a condom.

Used to put candy in this.

Anyway, I'm sorry I talked your ear off.

Please. It's better than a fucking movie, sweetheart.

Oh, don't you need a parking validation?

Oh, god, right. Thank you.


Oh, wait a second, hon.

Feedback clinic, this is Esther.

Oh, hi, honey.

How you doing?


No, what? Go ahead, ask me.

Well, I'm not a mind reader.

You ever seen me on the fucking psychic friends network channel?

So what... all right...

Would you just shut up for a minute?

Okay, so don't tell me.

Trust me, Esther, one-night stands.

It's all black-and-white for you, isn't it?


I have been married to that putz for 42 years.

The strongest, healthiest man all his life.

And all of a sudden he gets sick...

Lung cancer.

He never smoked a day in his life.

Pretty fucking ironic, isn't it?

He's even got someone taking care of him in the afternoon... Just like a little boy.

But he's dying.

And if I stop Hawking him and giving him shit, and calling him an asshole, he'll know he's dying.

So I don't stop.

Plus, he is an asshole, so that's a bonus.

So I've got my grandmother's ring.

That's old and borrowed.

And Rachel got me that blue thong.

Ooh, hoochie floss.

You got something else that's new and blue?

Oh, actually, yeah, I do.

Holy shit, Tom! What happened?

Bad date.

What did you do, pick him up on the street?

Worse. AA.

Apparently, he uses sex to work through anger, which is fine when you're not quite that angry.

What am I going to do with you?

I smell a lecture.

Fuck you, Tom.

Okay, you blow off a great guy...

Who by the way doesn't hit...

Because he made the tragic mistake of falling for you.

And instead you're doing like and Tina Turner with some asshole from AA.

Well, you know, at least he's not at Williams-Sonoma registering for a commitment ceremony.

You're right.

You're right. Eli is such a loser.

I'm going home.

Holy shit.

What's the matter?

What? Nothing.

Bullshit. Why aren't you getting dressed?

I'm nervous about seeing Tom at the wedding.

That's all.

See, only you could turn my wedding day into the Eli Wyckoff show. You know that?

I'm sorry, okay? Believe me, nobody can hate me as much as I do.

Oh, my god. You know, you have to change the fucking record, man.

You have to stop!

You cannot make this be the be-all, end-all of your entire life!

I'm not.

Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing. Let me tell you something.

Love, right? It's going to come up, and it's just going to whack you on the back of the head before you even know what hit you.

I don't believe that.

This is what happened to me and Jackie.

You and Jackie were lucky.

You know, you're so... You're unbelievable.

I was miserable before I met her, and it just happens, you know?

I mean, you're a fucking amazing guy.

You don't have to do this. Don't do...

Please shut up. You're a great guy, you know.

I mean, if I were into guys, we'd be in China right now picking out a baby.

Thank god I'm not, but...

I'm kidding. You know I love the gays.

And we appreciate it.


Uh, Mitch.

I don't know if it's just me, but I'm loving this tux.

You like the tux?

Loving it.

Mitch, remember how we discussed the Ritalin situation?

Just please put on your pants.

Or get a tan.

Get doubles. I want all of these.

Oh, yeah. When my sister got married, the best pictures were, like, from the Instamatics.

Your sister got married?


Jesus. Fuck. What is my problem?

I'm like man poison...

Fucking penis raid.


Okay, girls...

How do I look?

Oh, my god.

You look like a movie star.

Really? Yes.


Oh, Christ. In a million years, I never thought I'd be wearing white this soon.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be, unless you want me to call the pope and tell him it happened again.

Hey, I would have worn the cream one, except for it made me look like a Jenny Craig "before" picture.

Are you crazy?

Where's Tom?

He's out on the patio.

I mean, he is a man, after all. What?

Repellent, remember? Gay or straight... doesn't matter.

Hey, put that out.

You're killing my unborn child.

I was aiming a little higher.

Oh, nice.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, my god! Eli was stalking you?

That is so romantic.

Well, not to me.

Oh. Oh, that's right, that's right, but if he tried to kill you, then you'd be picking out China patterns.

Hey, you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Just... you're getting married.

I'm having abandonment issues.

I'm just extending the family, babe.

Jackie, let's go!

We'll be right there!


Tom, I owe you an apology.

For what?

The way I've been pressuring you about Eli.

I realize I've just been trying to make you like everybody else, and you're not...

And that's one of the things I love about you.

You're the only guy I know who will probably never find that one person to settle down with, and still be very happy.

I envy that.

Jackie, get your ass in here, or I'm wearing the veil.

We're coming!

But look at me. Shit!

I'm, like, one step away from den mother, p.T.A., and, "hi, honey, I'm home!"

How the fuck did that happen?

I guess you fell in love.

What? Oh, no, no, no. I just got lipstick all over every single one of my teeth.

How did I do that? Hmm.

All right. Well, it's show time.

You may exchange the rings.

Wow. It's a nice one.


I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Mazel tov!




How... how long are we going to have to keep ignoring each other?


I'm not ignoring you.

Are you ignoring me?

Come on, Eli. You haven't returned one of my phone calls, and you've said maybe 3 words to me the entire day, two of which were "seafood newburg."

Which I have to say was repulsive.

Can I get some more champagne? Champagne?

Um, no. Can I get a...

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

Absolut Martini, straight up, two olives. Make it dirty.

No, no. Actually, seltzer with lime, please.

What? So now you're... Not drinking?

Wow. Good for you.


I sort of had to.

I was slipping in the polls.

Yeah, well...

I, on the other hand, need some more champagne.

Look, Eli, I'm sorry I didn't...

You know what? Let's not do any of that...

"I'm sorry it didn't work out" postmortem stuff, okay?


Besides, it will free up some time to make fun of people...

Like Mitch, man of mystery, teaching the rabbi the macarena.

What is this, 1987?

Did you see Brett's mom?

I've never seen a woman with more hair on her back.

I know. I keep waiting for the Anti-fur activists to storm in here and throw paint on her.

Poor Brett and Jackie.

They have no idea what they've gotten themselves into, but they will... Mark my words.

See, first, they'll only hang out with other couples, and then they'll start doing the "we" thing.

"Oh, we love this, and we hate that."

And ordering for each other, because "that's what we always have."

Before you know it, she'll be shopping for lingerie at bloomingdale's, and Brett, the poor loser, will be outside the dressing room with her pocketbook in his lap.

Oh, my god.

You are so full of shit, you know that?

You got this bullshit "I don't need anyone" thing, and you use that, thinking it's going to shield you from the fact that your parents were drunks, had a lousy marriage, and fucked up everyone in their lives.

But it's your life now, not theirs.

And what do you have to show for it?

You're just another self-hating recovering alcoholic with nothing to live for but a Martini and a blow job.

Eli. Eli!


Don't you dare sum me up!

You don't know the first thing about me.

And that would be whose fault? Oh, god.

God. You know what?

It's so easy for you, Mr. Love is a many-splendored thing.

But you know what? I've seen it. I've seen it.

My parents loved one another "till death do us part," and believe me, it practically came to that.

I mean, have you... Have you ever heard the sound of two people suffocating one another?

Have you?

Or the sound of ice cubes smashing against the wall, or a pot roast being shoved down the disposal?

No. How could you possibly, with your touchy-feely, "I'm okay, you're okay" parents?

I'm sorry I'm bursting your little bubble, but there are a million guys out there who can give you what you want.

I'm just not one of them.

I'm sorry.

You do the math.

You know what?

Fuck you if that's the wrong use of that expression.

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ That'd be the sweetest thing ♪

♪ If I could bring you back

♪ I would do anything

♪ if I could bring you back ♪

♪ To me

I just wanted to say before I go...

I'm sorry.

I don't want you to leave here today thinking that you can't do this...

Being a...

Because you can.

Tom, you are going to meet someone...

And you are going to be so great at this.

And it's not going to be like your parents, and... and it's not going to be like it was with me.

Anyway, um...

I'll see you around.



What exactly do you want?

What... what do I?


Yeah, you.

I wanted... This to stop being so fucking hard.

I want to meet your sister.

I want to be over this part, you know, so that I can call you an asshole, even when you're sick, and...

You'd still know how much I love you.


I don't know what you call that, Tom...

Pocketbook-holding, suffocating, maybe...

But if I could ever have anything even close to that...


So I'm gonna go, okay?

Valet's got my car.

Got to...

Hey! There you are. Oh, Eli! Hey.


Uh, should I... Or is...

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up with the braid?

Oh, uh, Brett did it. It's a long story.

Okay, I need to take a personal moment.

What's the matter? You're not having fun?

Oh, I was till about 5 minutes ago.

What happened?

I put my left foot in, I put my left foot out, I put my left foot in, and then I threw up.

The baby?

Uh, no. Brett's cousin Al bumped his pokey into my hokey, and I borched, all right?

I think Brett is the only normal person in that family.


Okay, can we talk about his brother Mitch?

Hello? Freaky Mcfreak!

I know. The guy wants to get into Cirque Du Soleil.

I swear to you, he says he can swallow his own leg.

Well... yo, what's up?

How are you doin'?

What am I missing?

Oh, just a family resemblance, and I love you for it.

Okay. I don't know what that means.

Uh, I'm really smashed. I think I just made out with the rabbi.

Is that...?

He I hot.

Is there gonna be dancing?

Are we gonna dance?

'Cause I promised the family some hot man-on-man action tonight.

You and me?


I think he means me.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

It's gonna be fun. Come on, sweetheart.

Oh, look at that ass!

A little something like that, or if you want, we could do eighties style.

No? Come on. Stuff like that, and then maybe a little unh!

You know what I'm saying?

Ow. Ow.

You're stepping on my foot.

How hot does this broad look tonight?

So I meant to tell you, I finally saw gone with the wind.


And... and I loved it.

Oh, thank god.

See, I think Scarlett realizes in the end that it was just fear holding her back from the guy that she wanted to...

You know, hold her pocketbook.


And the thing about Rhett Butler...


He wasn't very fuzzy... Was he?

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears

♪ and we're gonna stay together ♪

♪ For a million years

♪ it's the least I can do

♪ just to make you my baby

♪ no words could describe

♪ oh, pinch me, I'm dreamin'

♪ your hair's long and black

♪ as it lays 'cross my pillow

♪ when I stare in your eyes

♪ I get lost in your glory

♪ I'll never leave

♪ oh, you want me to

♪ but that's all right

♪ I'm gonna make you love me

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

♪ Dry all the tears

♪ and we're gonna stay together ♪

♪ For a million

♪ I'm gonna make you love me

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

♪ Dry all the tears

♪ and we're gonna stay together ♪

♪ For a million years

♪ If the silence doesn't kill you ♪

♪ Then illusion will

♪ and you're starin' at the sky ♪

♪ But the moon ain't gonna pay our bills ♪

♪ And we're laughin' 'bout it loud ♪

♪ When, oh, you know it ain't no joke ♪

♪ You seem them cake the roads with glitter ♪

♪ Trade your dreams for smoke

♪ teardrops in the treetops

♪ the wind is whistlin' through the mountain's teeth ♪

♪ A song for every wounded dove ♪

♪ But we're out further

♪ than the rainbow's edge

♪ going down, down to the roots ♪

♪ Of love Captioning made possible by Trimark Pictures