All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018) Script

MAN ON RADIO: ...minutes until the top of the hour on a chilly Southern California Christmas Eve.

I hope you're all staying inside nice and warm with the ones you love.

But for those of you out there riding solo, this next one goes out to you.

♪ I don't need no presents♪

♪ 'Round my tree♪

♪ Or no mistletoe♪

♪ To share my needs♪

♪ Christmastime with you♪

♪ More than enough for me♪

♪ For me♪

♪ When --♪

Uh, hey, Jenna.

Hey, Max.

-Thanks for calling me. -Yeah.

I saw we were both orphans on this holiday and figured we might as well be orphans together.

Anything's better than being alone on Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

That sounded awful. I'm sorry.

No. It's all right.

So, uh, what is this?

I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure it's the only thing playing tonight.

Sounds fantastic.

Although, looks like a hot ticket.

Hope we can get a seat.

Don't worry. I made reservations.

Smart man.

Hello.

Uh, there should be two tickets under Max Clayton.

[ Sighs ]

-Okay. All set. -[ Cellphone vibrates ]

I'm sorry, I have to take this. Just one minute.


[ Door closes ]

Okay. Sorry about that.

-Want to go inside? -Uh, sure.

MAX: When I was a kid, I thought it was

"visions of Sugar Plum Fairies dancing in their heads."

Isn't it?


Interesting crowd.

I guess this is the Christmas Eve theater crowd, looks like.

[ Door creaks ]


[ Keys clacking]

[ Snorts ]

DARREN: Yeah, I'm still on hold.

Do you ever get a negative answer to that question?

I got to be out of here by 6:00.

[ Laughs ]

Darren will nail you before you get anywhere near that exit.

Yeah. Can you see if you can get that clean this time?

I got to get the twins' toys together when I get home.

I heard it's mandatory now because Suzanne bawled her eyes out when no one showed up last year.

Oh, shit, the gift exchange.

What are you saying? I-I-I...

Time is now. Godspeed.

No, your partner's an idiot. I don't know why I pay you.

What am I paying you for?

Oh, my God, you're like my ex-girlfriend.

All you do is bitch.

Just get in there and fucking tell them, "Quality. Quality."

That's what we are.

Oh, my God.

[ Bossa nova music playing]

[ Click, music stops ]

It's been a good year for Chem-Ways.

We've seen some pretty good growth across the board.

So I would like to take this moment to dole out some individual congratulations on a job well done.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Oh, we're gonna have to put a pin in that.

I've got to hop on this call.

Spencer, can I get you to take over?

Go for Darren.

Uhh huh huh huh...

Suzanne, you wanted to go over some rules.

Uh, yes, thank you.

Okay, here are the rules.

Someone will open a gift, and the next person who opens one can either keep the gift or they can steal someone else's already opened gift.

Got it?

Oh! This is gonna be so much fun!

[ Giggling ]

Alissa, why don't you go first?

Sure, why not?

This looks like something I could use.

Balsamic vinegar.

I make it myself!

Let's hope no one steals that away from you.

Let's hope.

Ty, why don't you go next, sweetie?

Okay.

-Hey. -Ah, just kidding.

[ Music box plays ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ People screaming ]

Holy fuck!

SPENCER: I'll call 911.

[ Muffled screaming ]

-I don't have a signal. -[ Gasps ]

The door's jammed.

There's no signal on mine either.

Oh, my God!

MANNY: Scott! Scott! Scott!

Try the office line!

[ Ringing ]

-[ Sawing] -[ Muffled screaming]

[ Groaning and gasping]

[ Metal clanking]

[ Man chuckling]

[ Gasping continues]

I can't wait to watch you all die.

[ Cackling]

Who is this?

Interrupt me again, Spencer, and I'll eat your fucking heart out!

-[ Cackling] -[ Gas hissing ]

What is that?

I'm filling the room with gas.

[ Cackling]

And if you don't listen, you're all gonna die!

I've added a few presents of my own.

Take turns opening them. [ Cackles]

Somecould save you, but...

If you live, I'll let you go.

And if you don't play, you die.

[ Stifled cackling]

[ Cackling]

You have 10 minutes before I kill you myself.

[ Line clicks]

O-Okay, I have to go. I have to go now.

-All right, calm down. -No, no, I can't do this!

-I have to leave. This is crazy. -Listen, we have 10 minutes.

We've just got to play his game --

I'm not touching anything on this table.

I'll go first.

It's empty.

Let me see that.

Bad move, asshole.

What is it?

MAN: [ Weakly ] Manny.

Manny.

Manny, help me, please. [ Grunts ]

Hey, hey. You break that, and all that gas is coming in here.

[ Gasping ]

[ Grunts ]

When I get out of here, I'm gonna kill you, you psycho son of a bitch!

[ Grunts ]

[ Gun thuds ]

-You gonna go next? -Hell no!

He said everyone has to go.

Well, he can go fuck himself!

SPENCER: Scott.

[ Exhales slowly ]


ALISSA: Wait, wait, wait!

What if it's a bomb?

Everyone opens their gifts from over here, okay?

Scott.

Yeah, okay.


Fuck it.

[ Soft moaning and heavy breathing]

TY: Alissa...

[ Soft moaning and heavy breathing continues]

Shut the card.

Kara, shut the card.

Shut the card. Shut the damn card!

[ Soft moaning and heavy breathing stops]

MANNY: Wait a minute.

Oh, shit.

Little Scotty boy has a thing for Alissa.

Who cares about that right now?

No. No, no, think about it.

I'm onto something here.

So, what was it, Scott? Were you in love with her?

Must have been a real bitch to know she was fucking Ty.

-Knock it off, Manny. -Get off me.

He's trapped in here with the rest of us.

Yeah, and Ty's brains are all over the wall!

This sick psycho probably got off on it.

-SCOTT: [ Grunts ] -Manny, stop!

Think about it, Spencer. It was him.

No one gets in this building without security clearance.

It had to be one of us, and I'm picking this jealous psycho.

No. [ Grunts ]

[ Coughing ]

Tell your friend outside to turn off the gas and open the door.

[ Weakly ] It wasn't me. It wasn't --

MANNY: It's over!

-But I wasn't -- -Let us out!

That's enough!

[ Coughing ]


Manny!

Oh, no!

-[ Gasps ] -SUZANNE: No!

Oh, God, no!

Oh, f-- Oh, my God.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Click ]

MAN: [ Crying] Ohh!

Scott! No!

Scott's gone!

[ Crying]

[ Cackling]

No one told you to stop playing.

[ Line clicks]

We have to keep going.


[ Gas hissing ]

KARA: Suzanne?

Someone help me get her away from the vent!

MANNY: [ Coughing ] Kara! Get back!

[ People coughing ]

KARA: Come on, help!

MANNY: It's too late. Get away! Come on.

KARA: No, no!

[ Crying ] I'm sorry!

[ Coughing continues ]

Manny, you've got to go now.

Fuck it.

No, open it over in the corner.

This blows up, I'm taking all you assholes with me.

Listen, uh, I just got word from upstairs.

They want us to start trimming the fat from this floor.

Honestly, I'm surprised Manny wasn't fired months ago.

DARREN: Sounds good.

SPENCER: Manny. I don't...

You have no idea the pressure we're under to turn a profit here.

Come on, Manny. We have to stick together.

-No, Manny, stop. -Kara, get out of the way!

Back off!

You fucking asshole. We really should've fired you.

[ Gun clicks ]

[ Rattling ]

[ Heavy breathing]

[ Heavy breathing continues]

ALISSA: I just opened this.

-[ Grunting ] -[ Thudding ]

What are you doing?! Get off!

[ Grunting continues ]

[ Gunshot ]


[ Stifled snorting ]

What the hell was that?

I have no idea. [ Chuckles ]


[ Scanner beeping]

MAN: Attention, customers.

The store will be closing in five minutes.

Please take your purchases to the nearest available register.

From all of us here at Headley's department store, we'd like to wish you a very happy holidays.

[ Sighs ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey. I'm literally getting in the car as we speak.

I got everything.

No, they were out of that.

Well, I got everything the store wasn't already out of.

No, they didn't have that either.

I'm getting in the car right now.

Right now. See you in a bit. Love you.

[ Door unlocking ]

[ Open-door tone sounding ]

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Door locks ]

No.

[ Chimes ]

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no!

Fuck!

Aah!

You...

Hello? I just need to use your phone.

Hello?!


[ Knocks ]

Hello? I locked my keys...

Hey there. I'm so sorry to bother you.

I locked myself out of my car.

I was wondering if you had a phone I could borrow.

-WOMAN: You don't have a phone? -Yeah, no, I have one.

I just locked it in my car with my keys.

That sucks.

Uh, yeah, it does.

So do you have one I could borrow, just to call roadside assistance?

Hello?

Sasha, you're making a mess.

Sure.

No problem.

It's a burner. A prepaid.

So please don't use up all our minutes.

No problem. I'll be quick.

[ Cellphone dialing ]

[ Line ringing ]

Hi, I locked my keys in my car.

Eric Turner. Member number is 3433-1D.

Date of birth is 12/25/81.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'd really rather not spend my birthday in a parking lot, so please tell me you can send someone soon.

All right, well, if they can get here a lot sooner, then I'd really appreciate it.

Merry Christmas. Thanks.

Mind if I call my wife?

Of course. Go ahead.

Be quick.

[ Line ringing ]

Hey, it's me. I'm using someone else's phone.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

I just locked my keys in the car.

They said 30 to 40 minutes.

No, no, stay there. No, do not send my dad.

He'd just get lost and we wouldn't see him again till the new year.

It's tempting, I know.

I'll be home as soon as I can.

All done?

Yeah. Here.

You sure you don't want to wait in the van?

You know what? I should wait by my car.

Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and pick the lock.

-Good luck. -Thanks.

Happy almost birthday.

[ Chuckles ]


[ Sighs ]

[ Blows ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Engine revs ]


[ Brakes squeak ]


We decided we couldn't let you freeze to death on Christmas.

Uh, thanks.

[ Whispering ]

Want some?

No, I'm good.

-See? Not poisoned. -[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

So, what was the plan, Eric?

Plan?

Yeah.

You having family over for Christmas Eve?

Yep, yep.

Wife, kids, parents, the whole nine.

But you know how family gets.

You're around them too much, and you just want to...

But it's good too.

Do you two have any plans for the holidays?

You're looking at it.

Do you need any money?

It's the least I can do since you -- you helped me out.

Thanks, but we're okay.

I didn't mean to insult you guys.

-I just wanted to -- -We're good.

-Is there someone else... -What?

Your door's open.

Uh, yeah, it's an old van. This thing is glitchy.

I got it.

-[ Snarls ] -Jesus Christ!

-What else is back there? -What are you talking about?

There's something in the back of your van.

-Just us. -Hey, come out of there!

Dude, there's no one else there.

[ Whispering ] The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

-The evil must not be free. -Are you okay?

...the tether must hold. The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

The evil must not be free.

The tether is with it, the tether must hold.

Aah! What the fuck?

Renew the tether with fresh blood.

The new keeper has been found.

Aah! Get the fuck off of me!

We're free.

Let's go.

ERIC: Get off of me!

Sasha, wait! It's not finished!

Frankie.

How far am I?

[ Breathing heavily ]

Please.

I'll go back.

Please.

I'll go back.

I'll go back.

Please.

Please.

No!

[ Body thuds ]

The tether will hold. The tether will hold.

Aah! Get the fuck off! Aah!

-...18, 19... -What the hell is this?

FRANKIE: ...20, 21.

Oh, shit.

Stop. Stop or it'll kill your family.

-What? -If you run, it will kill you.

When it's done with you, it won't stop killing.

It won't stop until another tether is found.

You're full of shit.

Hey! Don't test it, Eric.

-What is it? -It's pure fucking evil.

You're responsible for it now.

[ Snarls ]

Listen. Listen!

This is important.

Only one who shares the day of their birth with the unconquered son can tether this evil.

It means you were born on Christmas, Eric.

Just like me, just like Sasha.

We're the only ones that can bear the mark, and we're the only ones that can keep this evil at bay.

Why?

Who fucking knows?

Okay, you stay within 20 feet of that thing, and you stay safe.

Your family stays safe. Everyone's safe.

Once you break that boundary, you're fucked.

This isn't happening. I'm going home.

Is your bedroom within 10 paces of that van?

How about your children's play room?

You really want that thing around your family if you step outside that circle?

I don't need those.

Maybe you'll get lucky, find some other loser born on December 25th.

It only took us three years.

-What's your address? -Go to hell.

Take me home.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Finding directions home.

I'll leave them on your doorstep.

[ Car door closes, engine starts ]

Hey.

Happy birthday to us.

[ Keys jingle ]

This isn't happening.


[ Distorted mid-tempo music playing ]

[ Up-tempo Christmas music playing]

Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho!

WOMAN: ...town to bring you joy on Christmas Eve!

So, Merry Christmas, Steve!

MAN: My name's not Steve.

No, I'll come after shopping.

WOMAN: From home.

-MAN: No! Get back! -[ Knocking on door ]

WOMAN: What did you do to him?

MAN: You don't know what you're doing! Don't!

[ Sighs ]

-[ Christmas music continues] -Oh, shit!

Jesus Christ, Michael.

I see you scaled it back on the decorations this year.

Oh, yeah, my -- my kids like them.

That sounds awful.

Oh, I don't mind putting up the decorations.

No, I meant having kids.

Uh, speaking of which, my, uh -- my eldest is collecting donations for the United National Christmas Fund.

Wanted to know if you could toss in a few bucks.

What's wrong? He can't come over and beg for money himself?

Come on, Chet, it's -- it's for a good cause.

Fine. Let me get my wallet.

What's happening?

Oh, my God, the door won't stop closing.

It's like it has a mind of its own.

I know you trashed my light-up Santa!

Asshole.

It's just a meager pittance.

It does not matter in the least.

His heart does not warm that way.

-But it's Christmas. -He cares not about the date.

Fuck this.

-Linda. -You've got to be kidding me.

-It's Christmas Eve. -That isn't work, is it?

No. No, Mom, it's just a friend.

A friend she's banging.

-Is your friend coming over? -No, no, he's not.

-Is dinner ready yet? -Did you ask him?

Yeah, Linda, did you ask me?

Who's she talking to?

Fine. Would you like to come over for dinner?

No, I have plans.

O-Oh, yeah, okay.

Uh, what -- what are those plans?

I was gonna have you come over so we could eat sushi off each other's naked bodies.

You know, I could just pick up an order to go on my way over there.

Does your mom like tuna rolls or spicy beef or...

-Very funny. -[ TV turns on ]

Perhaps that's the answer he's looking for.

What the fuck?

I'm afraid it'll only fill him with more loneliness.

-Hello? What's going on? -Nothing.

-I'll call you back in a minute. -Merry Christ--

[ Knocking on door ]

-[ Christmas music continues] -What?! Shit!

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Mike? Keep your trash off my property!

I'm keeping this!

You will be visited by three ghosts.

[ Clatters ]

Pure poppycock!

Yes.

Yes, t-that's all that it is.

This is poppycock.

Perhaps a tonic will help settle this.

[ Snorting ]

[ Snorting ]

[ Coughs ] Aah!

[ Coughs ]


[ Child giggling]

How'd you get in here? Are you Michael's brat?

Would you look at little Chester?

Aren't you the most adorable little thing?

Now, sing a Christmas song for Grandma.

Come on, Chester. Sing a song for your grandmother.

Anybody care if I get out of here?

-Honey, it's -- it's Christmas. -Yeah, we opened the presents.

Oh, just let him go to a bar already.

-He's not gonna go -- -Why don't we all go to a bar?

-Would you two stop? -Please, sing [Sighs]

See what happens when you don't do what you're told?

Now sing for Grandma.

Come on, kid, sing! Now!

Sing the goddamn song.

Honey, language. Sing.

-Stop it! -Sing!

Stop it! Leave me alone!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Fuck. Fuck!

Oh, my God. Where's my fucking phone?

Um -- Um...

I'm calling the cops! R-Right now!

Yes, Officer, my home is being invaded!

My address is 2740 Chandler Way!

Oh, you're coming right now with a SWAT team?!

Thank you, Officer!

You're fucked now!

[ Panting ]

Fuck.

[ Sighs ]

I've got a gun.

You got three seconds before I come out shooting!

MAN: [ Singsong ] Chet.

All alone on Christmas, Chet?

What of it?

No, I think it's great.

You got that right.

No stupid decorations, no annoying friends.

Freeloading family around to suffocate us.

Hell yeah, we got this shit beat.

I don't think there's anywhere else to go.

Wait.

-Yeah. -What are you talking about?

I think we're done here.

It's been a wonderful fucking life, bro.

No fucking way!

Then why are you doing that?

[ Gasping ] Fuck!

[ Choking ]

Fuck.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

You rosy-cheeked son of a bitch.

[ Knock on door ]

Okay, I know I'm a little bit drunk, but I think this is something we need to discuss.

Okay, we have been neighbors now for five years, and every Christmas, you...

Is that my Santa?

Ho ho ho ho ho!

What, are you stealing my Christmas decorations now?!

No! No, no, no, no, no.

No, shut up! I don't want to hear it!

Every year, it's the same "I hate Christmas" routine.

-Help me. -Man, let go!

No, I have to show you something in the bathroom!

What is wrong with you, man?!

Oh, shit.


A sad fate to die all alone without a friend.

I'm not alone. I have friends.

There he'll lie to rot away.

Someone'll come by any minute now.

Linda's probably on her way over here right now.

But, Chet, she has her family to keep her company tonight.

She probably started heading over here the second I got off the phone with her.

I'll get some CPR. I'll be good as fucking new.

And then drinks and blowjobs later. You'll see.

Oh, yes, of course.

Drinks and blowjobs. I'm sure of it.

Poor deluded bastard.

What are you doing?

No, they'll come.

They'll come.

Stop. Stop it!

Stop it. Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Aaah!

Aaah!

All that's left is food for the rats.

[ Rat squeaking ]

-[ Flesh crunches ] -[ Screaming ]

Oh, I can't watch.

Let me have a look.

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Ohh, ohh...

Aah!

[ Panting ]

I know I am a little bit drunk, but we need to discuss this.

Okay, we have been neighbors for five years now, and every year at Christmas, you pull the same shit.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

[ Gasps ]

[ Christmas music continues]

For your kid.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Whoo!

Merry Christmas!

Whoo!

God, I hate Christmas.

Is that my wreath?

[ Laughing ]

Whoo!

[ Laughing ]

[ Door creaks ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Sighs ]

Do you want to?

I have to pee.

Is that too much information on a first date?

Is this a date? Should I be asking that?

Just go.

-Go. -Okay.

Could I get a water?

[ Sighs ]

Thanks.


MAX: Don't patronize me. No, I can't. I'm fine.

Yes, I know it's tonight.

Because I'm out with someone.

-I just -- -Hey.

Is everything all right?

Uh, yeah, I'm just dealing with some work stuff.

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Sorry, I have to take this.

Uh, I'll see you inside?

-Uh, see you there. -Leave me alone.


-Sorry about that. -It's all right.

Not a lot of people coming back from intermission.

-Do you think wecould... -Shh.

[ Footsteps ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Engine running]

[ Down-tempo country music playing]

...in the middle of a 24-hour rock block of all Christmas hits here in Southern California --

[ Crash ]

Shit!

God damn it!

Fuck.

[ Grunting ]

[ Animal bellowing ]


[ Sighs ]


[ Soft snarling ]

Who's there?


Are these the prints?

-Hi. -Hi.

And I'll take this.

I didn't think you were coming until tomorrow.

Well, I didn't want to put this off another day, so I decided to change my travel plans.

You, my friend, should be very flattered.

[ Laughs ]

And plus I couldn't leave you all alone on Christmas, right?

Who knows that kind of trouble you'd get into.

[ Laughs ]

Let me have a look.

Some of my favorites.

I guess they're not bad.

-[ Clattering ] -Oh, are you expecting someone?

No.

Come on.

[ Clattering ]

[ Animal snorts ]

[ Bellowing WOMAN: What was that?

-[ Clattering ] -What --

-There's somebody upstairs. -Well, who is it?

-Who's upstairs? -I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I'm gonna go look. You stay right here.


[ Soft snarling ]

-[ Growling ] -No.

No! No!

[ Stabbing ]

[ Moaning ]


Guy?

Guy?

Guy, what happened in here?

[ Snarls softly ]

-[ Growling ] -[ Screaming ]

[ Screams]

[ Bellowing]

[ Stomach gurgling ]

Sorry.

[ Exhales slowly ]

[ Door creaks ]


[ Door locks ]

Not tonight.

Not tonight.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

GABBY: Hey, Steve, where are you?

-Home. -Well, are you coming over?

I told you I can't go out tonight, Gabby.

Come on, it's Christmas Eve. You can't spend it alone.

I have to.

[ Knock on window ]


[ Knock on window ]

Gabby!

Dude, let me in. What are you doing in there?

-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas!

[ Cheering ]

We brought Christmas dinner to you, you grumpy bastard.

You shouldn't have done that.

I know we shouldn't have done it, but we're awesome, so deal with it.

-I'll warm everything up. -Oh, I'll help.

-I'll grab the serving dishes. -I'm gonna make myself a drink.

How do you not have bitters?

Whoa!

What's up?

We're just gonna talk, right?

You couldn't have picked a worse time.

Okay, listen.

It started 10 years ago tonight.

Before that day, I always celebrated Christmas.

-But then -- -Hey, guys, dinner's ready.

-I'm gonna leave you two alone. -GABBY: Actually, you know what?

I need a cigarette before dinner.

We'll talk about this later.

-Gabby! -Later!

Oh, that's really weird.

Hey, guys, come check out this star.

MAN: Atomic activity on the moon.

MAN #2: I never saw anything like them.

They must be from another planet.

ALIEN: You aren't going in the right direction, Earth man.

MAN #3: Let's get out of here!

-MAN #4: And leave the ray gun? -MAN #3: What else can we do?

Oh, I just had the strangest...

Oh. I don't remember bringing all of this.

Would you like to come in and eat with us?

-Sure. -Would you like to sit here?

It is the only empty chair.

[ Clears throat ]

Should we say a blessing?

Steve, would you like to?

I don't know one.

Gabby, would you?

Uh, I-I don't really know one either.

I have to use the bathroom.

[ Sighs ]

Do you like Christmas, Gabby?

Yeah, sure.

Could you tell us about one of your own Christmas memories?

Uh, you guys are messing with me, right?

Oh, did you guys get high without --

Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck, Steve!

Steve, are you still there?

Oh, my God, Steve, what have you done?

Not what you think.

Would you like to join us for dinner, Steve?

Looks like yougot invited to the party.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, you guys suck so bad.

Yeah, nice joke. [ Laughs ]

Okay, you got me. [ Chuckles ]

It was a good prank, okay? Now stop being assholes.

I got to smoke a cigarette.

Would you like to join us for dinner, Gabby?

Yeah, Gabby, join us for dinner. Tried to warn you.

Would you like to sit here in the only empty chair?

[ Sighs ]

Would you like to say a blessing?

So, what's going on here, Steve?

Is this, like, group hypnosis?

Did you get a book on how to hypnotize your friends at dinner parties?

Would you like to say a blessing?

They're not our friends. They just took on their forms.

What do you mean, "they"?

Would you like to say a blessing?

You had me with the gun thing, but you kind of lost me with --

Would you like to say a blessing?

Jesus Christ, Mary!

-Amen. -Amen.

[ Laughter]

Would you like eggnog?

Would you like some m-m-mixed nuts?

Would you like to help us decorate a tree?

You're the one who wanted to spend Christmas with me.

[ Sighs ]

What the hell do they want?

Not sure.

They just take me up and ask me questions.

Have you ever asked them?

No, Gabby, in 10 years I've never once asked them what their end game might be.

Would you like to enjoy some more sugary foods?

No, thank you.

Would you like to open your presents now?

Why are you doing this?

[ Screeching ]

I forgot to tell you, they don't really like it when you ask that question.

GABBY: I hate it. I hate it. Okay.

So, what happens now?

We play their game.

Oh, screw that. I'm gonna take my chances out there.

Take a seat.

Yeah, okay. Sure.

Who wants to g-go first?

Gabby, would you like to open your present first?

Okay.

[ Paper crinkles ]

Do you like it?

Yes.

Steve, would you like to go next?

Okay.

[ Wrapping crinkles ]

Okay, I'm done now. C-Can I please go home?

Don't you want to open your other present?

You...

Okay, I'm -- I'm done with this.

Can I just go now?

-What's wrong, Gabby? -Don't you like it?

Isn't it what you've always wanted?

Shut up, Mary.

Why is it so important for Steve to celebrate Christmas?

-Why Gabby? -Why Gabby?

-Why Gabby? -Why?

Because I never had one, okay?!

My parents didn't celebrate Christmas, so we never put up a tree and I never got any presents.

And this...

This was the doll that I begged for and I never got.

Why don't you guys go abduct my parents and ask them why they had to be such assholes every December 25th?

So now that I'm older, I hold the holidays pretty fucking dear to my heart.

So merry fucking Christmas. Are you fucking happy?

Ow!

-Are we back? -I think so.

Thought you might want this.

[ Down-tempo "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing ]

Merry Christmas.


[ Stomach gurgling ]


Hey. Thanks for calling me.

I noticed we're both orphans this holiday, so why not be orphans together?

Anything beats being alone on Christmas Eve.

That sounded awful. I'm so sorry.

That's fine.

Interesting-looking crowd.

Yeah, I guess this is what the Christmas Eve theater crowd looks like.

-What's wrong? Are you okay? -I'll -- I'll be right back.

Guess a lot of people aren't coming back from intermission.

Max?

-Do you think we could... -Shh.

[ Retching ]

[ Gasping ]

Sorry.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

MAN: I'll be right back.

WOMAN: Max?

Are you there?

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

I tried. I thought...

I thought I could beat it.

But it's too close now. It's too late.

[ Breathing heavily ]

I'm sorry.

I...

I have to feed.

Is it over?

I'm starving. How about you?

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh, is it over?

I'm starving.

How about you?

[ Snarls]

Whoa. Hey.

Are you okay?

[ Laughing ]

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

♪ Dum dooby doo

♪ Dooby dooby dum, dum dooby doo ♪

♪ Dooby dooby dum, ahhh

♪ Hey, Mr. Santa Claus

♪ Don't want no presents in my tree ♪

♪ No, the gift I want is a special one ♪

♪ That only you can give to me ♪

♪ And that is

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody's dancing now ♪

♪ The Popeye and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ I've been such a good little girl ♪

♪ Waitin' all year for you

♪ Now, before you go away, hop out of your sleigh ♪

♪ And show me a step or two

♪ Hey, Santa

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody's dancing now ♪

♪ The Popeye and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me every step ♪

♪ To every dance of the day

♪ So I can dance my nights away ♪

♪ 'Cause when the snow starts a-fallin' ♪

♪ And the boys start a-callin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna be on my way

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody's dancing now ♪

♪ The Popeye and papa-oom-mow-mow ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to dance ♪

♪ Whoa, now

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to mashed potato ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to wiggle wobble ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to locomotion ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to holly jolly ♪

♪ Hey, Santa, teach me to do the twist ♪


[ Up-tempo Christmas music plays]

Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!