Almost Christmas (2016) Script

It's a beautiful Birmingham morning and the holiday season looks merry and bright.

Are you ready for the holidays?

Not me.

Man, I got five kids.

Four of them are mine.

Allegedly.

Have you been naughty? Or have you been nice?

So many people coming into town.

What about you?

You got family or friends coming to town?

Me?

I hope it's not my in-laws.

Unless they're listening.

If so, I can't wait to see ya!

On the way, a little music to get you in the holiday spirit.

Merry Christmas!

Yeah.

All right.

Here we go.


I'm sorry. I need to take this. Here.

Daddy, what's going on? Your message sounded urgent.

I can't find that tin of hers.

The ones with Mama's recipes?

Yeah.

They're where the pots and pans are, Daddy.

You're not trying to cook, are you?

Not without those recipes, I'm not.

Okay, good.

Now, don't drive yourself too crazy with it, all right?

You know how you can get.

I can't wait to see you all.

Even your sister?

I can count on you two to be civil with each other, right?

Yeah, of course. I can't wait to see Rachel.

I'll be civil with her as long as she's civil with me.

You know, I'm looking forward to it.

Rach, can I please finish what I'm saying?

Look, I'm just saying that we all want to spend as much time as we can with Dad.

What's wrong with me trying to get you there faster?

I'm not some charity case.

Just because I'm in law school doesn't mean I can't afford to buy plane tickets.

That's exactly what it means.

We talked about this.

Ma'am? Yes?

This tire's got a hole in it.

Just put on the spare.

You mean, one of the two you're already using?

Hey! Yeah, I gotta go.

Well, there's always the bus.

Why?

Promise me you are not gonna be on that phone the entire holiday.

I'm not. That was Rach.

And you do realize I'm in the middle of a campaign, right?

Yes, and I support you.

Give me that bunny!

No!

Slow, please.

But family time is important too, which is why you have a campaign manager.

Besides, it's only a week.

Promise me we'll have fun at your dad's.

Promise.

Family time.

I was cutting it off.

I thought you were getting here last night?

Well, coach dropped another practice on us, but I'm on my way now.

All right, all right. Just drive safe.

And none of that Tweetbooking, or Faceprogramming or Snap whatever that is, okay?

Dad, it's... 88.

I gotta go. Yeah. I'ma see you soon.

Okay. I love you.

Love you too, Pops. No, stay down. Stay down.

Got an early Christmas gift.

Shoulder's good as new. Yes!

You can finally get off those meds and back on the field because you've been cleared for the bowl game!

Yes!

Yo, 88 is back in the building, man!

Yeah. Thank you, Coach.

Listen, I am really proud of all the hard work you've been putting in lately.

Thanks.

And I know that this is gonna be your first holiday at home since...

Coach, you know what?

I'm really good. I'm good.

All right. Happy holidays.

Yeah, same.

All right. Listen up, everyone.

I don't want you pigging out over the holidays.

Gotta win this thing.

Come on, Coach. It's Christmas!

I love how the ring just glimmers.

See? When the light hits it?

I was a champion in Croatia.

You know I played in the NBA also?

1991, Seattle SuperSonics.

I made the last shot in the playoffs.

They called me Lonnie "Shatao" Maclay.

You know what Shatao is?

Shatao is the sound that the ball makes when it goes through the net.

Shatao! Like, Shatao!

So, would you like a mid-size or a sedan?

Could I get a little help here, Lonnie, huh?

A sedan!

What are you talking about over there?

Will you help me with the bags?

Here's a little early Christmas gift.

Could be worth a lot of money on eBay.

But let it marinate.

Okay. Okay?

Lonnie!

Did you bring those damn cards?

Shatao!

Your face.

Yeah.

Shit!

Yeah!

Oh, man.

I'm trying.

May Devaroux, Johnson, Davis...

Shit, there was a lot of them.

I am here. And how's my favorite brother-in-law doing?

May, I'm your only brother-in-law.

Well, lucky you!

Damn, I forgot how old you are.

Come on, give it to me.

How you doing, baby?

It's coming.

It's coming.

You holding on?

I'm holding on.

You holding on, baby.

Yeah, I was expecting you in a day, or two, or three...

If I'd have known, I would have...

Dusted. Damn, Walter!

Changed the locks.

Your ass is old, so I'm gonna let that one slide.

Now, I just thought my brother-in-law could use a little extra help so I said, what the hell.

And Stevie Wonder blind ass done canceled the tour because they gave him the schedule.

Who gonna give his blind ass the schedule? Damn!

Messing with my money, baby.

But such is the life of a background singer.

Now, listen, my bags are in the driveway so be a dear and go get them for me.

And I'ma whip a little something up so the kids have something to eat when they get here.

Perfect. As long as I don't have to eat it.

Walter Meyers, you can kiss all my ass, okay?

You know the shit I cook is good shit. Don't do that now.

You've been eating that bad shit. That's why your ass looks so frail.

Look at yourself. Knees knocking and shit.

And where's the liquor, Walter?

And I hope it ain't that dark liquor, damn it.

Because that dark liquor make a bitch wanna fight!

Pop-pop!

We made it!

Hi, Grandpa! Hi!

You're even prettier than I last saw you.

Yeah! How do you do that?

I don't know.

How you doing, Granddad?

You still hitting those books, I see. Yes, sir.

Yes, he got six A's and one B.

The B was in gym.

When your Uncle Evan gets here, he can help you out with that.

Grandpa, can I go inside and get some cookies?

Of course you can!

Cameron! Just one. Just one! I want some too!

It'll be fine. Just, come on. Honey?

He's always working. Give me a second.

Sweetheart!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Pop!

Man, don't do that.

Aw!

How are you, Pop?

I'm a little tired, but a lot better seeing you all.

Oh, my God! ls that...

Christian, you promised. Family time.

No, no. That's what this will... That's what this is.

He's here so that I won't have to be on the phone as much.

Which gives me more time for family. Oh, my God.

Andy Brooks. Pleasure to meet you, sir.

He's my campaign manager, Pop.

Boy, you have raised a very promising, young, future congressman and his beautiful wife, who you didn't raise.

You raised him. He's your son.

Hope that doesn't come as a surprise to you.

I didn't know you're campaigning over the holidays.

These cookies are amazing!

Give me that.

Hey, Cameron. Take your aunt's luggage in. There.

That's a lot of luggage.

Probably half of them are wigs.

Hey, and take yours in.

We're staying here?

Mmm-hmm. Yay!

Hold on, son. We're not staying here. We're staying at a hotel.

We are staying at the hotel?

I thought we were. I assumed. Let me talk.

No. No.

Pop, we got a hotel room because we didn't wanna be a bother.

Family is never a bother.

We're all going to stay right here.

The kids can sleep in the bunk beds in the basement.

Aw! Thanks, Pop. Yeah. Okay.

This is great. Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to you?

Really, Brooks?

You know what? I'm gonna like that hotel.

It's actually a really good hotel. They got a free breakfast and a free spa.

And I encourage everybody to join me. For the breakfast.

I think the four of us in a spa would...

Just a little bit. Thanks. Okay.

This is the last time I'm gonna let you...

I know. I know.

He's a lot, but he's the best at what he does.

Sir, sir.

I just wanted to express my condolences on your loss.

The African American woman is the backbone of the black family.

Really of the whole American family.

I mean, who wasn't raised by a black woman? I know I was.

You know what? I'm getting a phone call, so I'm gonna have to put a pause on this conversation, which I'm really enjoying. It's...

You're a wonderful conversationalist. I hope someone's told you that.

Dan! Dan, you said the call was in 15 minutes.

See them at the game.

Yeah, man. I got the pics. I'm on my way.

Hey, what's up? Hey, Evan.

I got them, man. I'm on my way right now.

I'ma hit you tomorrow though, because I can't kick it tonight.

I'ma hit you after church.

Boy, you ain't going to church, man. Get outta here.

No, no! No, I got it. All right.

I got it. Happy holidays.

Okay.

Twigs!

Who's Twigs?

My nickname in high school.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. What's up?

Hey!

You must be Niya.

We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Malachi.

Nice to meet you.

Let me grab these bags. I got it.

Don't bother. Let me help you with your bags.

Why? Because I'm a woman, I can't help myself?

No. Because I'm a grown man, and that's what grown men do.

Munchie?

Munchie, don't forget to get the Eskimo Pies from the store, baby.

Okay, Mama.

And would you get me the vinegar potato chips, baby?

All right, and a mud pie.

Okay, Mama.

Hey, Rachel!

You know he's single.

Ha.

Rach! Auntie!

Hey! Hi, baby!

Hey, Malachi!

Cameron! Dee!

So, where's your husband?

Ex-husband. Yeah?

Oh. Oh.

Since I'm here visiting my mom for the week, maybe we can grab a...

I'm okay.

You sure you don't want a hand?

No, thanks.

No, no. No, I got it. Thank you. You sure?

It's not a problem. No. I got it.

Those bags look heavy.

I got it.

Clearly, it's a different technique.

See? I had it.

Had it the whole time. I do Pilates. So...

This girl.

Somebody come help me with these bags!

I was in the kitchen. I was helping Aunt May.

Hi!

What's... It still doesn't even seem real.

I know. I know.

How was your trip?

Good. Good.

How's school?

Good. I may have to sit out next semester...

What? What are you talking about?

No. It's expensive.

Who's that making all that noise out here?

Part-time job. I'll be okay. Okay.

Hey, Daddy!

How are you?

God!

A lot better now that my little baby girl's here.

How are you really?

Um...

It's Christmas.

I miss you.

Somebody else is here.

Guess who? Hi! Daddy!

Hey! Look at you!

Look at you!

God!

Sonya!

Cheryl, I missed you.

You look amazing! Politics agrees with you.

Thank you!

Hey!

Rachel!

Hi, Cheryl.

Wait. Who is that? Lonnie!

Hey, Lonnie.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Good to be here!

Uh-oh. I got a little something for you.

How about an early Christmas gift for everybody.

Lonnie, nobody wants that right now.

Everybody wants it. Come on.

Here you go. One for you.

You get one, and you're going to appreciate that one.

What is this? One for you.

You have hair!

Of course I had hair in '93.

Hey, that's going to be very valuable one day.

I'm telling you, if something happens to me, something happens to you!

In a good way, if you know what I mean.

So, hold on to it.

Walter, I'm so hungry. I've been traveling. Right, baby? Oh!

Anything in the kitchen to eat?

Aunt May's putting something together to eat.

Why does that sound like a terrorist threat to me?

Say another damn thing, Lonnie! Your ass is whooped in here tonight!

I'm going to make sure these two don't kill each other.

Granddad! Can we please turn on rooftop Santa?

When are we going to turn it on?

I'm sorry, buddy, but I couldn't get it to work this year.

Oh! You know, when I left the league, I dabbled in electronics.

You know what that means?

That means I'm going to have that Santa working in no time.

Ding, ding, ding!

Thanks, Uncle Lonnie!

Uncle Lonnie's going to fix rooftop Santa!

You worked two weeks at Best Buy.

You're right. But I worked like a dog!

If I do my math right, that's like 14 weeks in dog years.

I left that place barking.

They will never forget Lonnie Maclay.

Uh-oh! Auntie May, I smell that food.

Uh-oh. Wait a minute.

I'm in the bathroom!

He's a regular Renaissance man. You should be so proud.

Well, why don't you all get settled in?

I have to run down to the shelter. I'll be back in a minute.

Do you want me to come with you, Daddy?

No, no, no. Yeah, no. I'll come.

No, no, no. You two, you connect up.

You haven't seen each other, I don't know when.

I'll be back, okay?

Love you both.


Walter?

Hi!

Oh. Good.

My goodness! It's so good to have you here.

Oh, boy.

Christmas would not be Christmas without you.

And my Grace, you couldn't drag her away from here.

Remember when the lights went out?

Yeah, the lights went out. You know I'm scared of the dark.

We tried to find candles everywhere.

Everything.

I'm telling you, you and Grace were my best friends.

I know. I've missed you guys so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Hey, Walter. All right.

Thank you. I have something for you. Okay.

I do.

Grace had it framed and she didn't have a chance to give it to you.

Who knew her sweet heart would give out so suddenly?

She's so beautiful.

I'll be right back.

All right.

Hi, kids! Don't forget, we have finger painting later today.

Wow.

You sure are fine, girl.

I don't look that bad either.

Sorry it took so long for dinner. I hope y'all ready.

I figured y'all would be hungry from all that traveling, so I put a little something together for y'all.

You shouldn't have.

You didn't have to go through all that trouble, Aunt May.

Baby, this is no trouble at all. Now y'all are my family.

And this right here, this is my spiced mung bean winter casserole.

Got that from Ike and Tina Turner, 1972.

And right here, this is my Korean dry, squid salad with authentic kimchi.

Mick Jagger, 1983. That was a special tour.

This looks like all the ingredients to vomit.

And this here is Aunt May's prized possession, baby.

I put my foot in this.

This is my potato salad from Poland.

Pickled fish, duck sausage with mayonnaise.

And to wash it all down, some milk tea with boiled tapioca balls.

Little Richard gave me that one. Yes!

Who wants pizza? Me!

I do! Extra sausage.

Pepperoni! We like thick crust.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Thick crust.

Hey! Wait a minute.

Your Aunt May went through a lot of trouble preparing all this.

Yes, I did.

The least we could do is to eat her...

What's this?

Thank you, Walter.

Because this right here, baby, this is my spiced mung bean winter casserole with a hint of...

Spam.

Limburger cheese. Baby lotion?

You all remind my ass when to laugh, okay?

Aunt May, this looks like a million bucks.

Thank you, baby.

And Cameron is going to be the first one to try it.

Wait! Why do I have to eat it? I didn't do anything wrong!

Don't talk back to your mother, boy.

Why can't you eat it?

Don't talk back to your daddy.

Y'all are all going to owe me a huge apology.

Here we go.

Just a little taste to kick off the celebration.

I don't want to die.

Open your mouth.

Here, hold his nose. Hold his nose so he opens his mouth.

Be a man now. Hold his nose!

Open! Okay. Open up. Get it in.

There you go. Seal it!

Chew it! Cameron, are you okay?

You ungrateful bastards!

The whole lot of you!

Now I'm in there slaving my ass off trying to make it right.

You think his ass upset right now? Wait till he finds out you not his daddy.

Aunt May! Aunt May!

It's not that we wouldn't like it. We just don't recognize it.

Kiss my ass.

Put it on a plate then.

And I guarantee you it's better than this food on this table.

And I don't know where your ass been at.

Lonnie.

Am I wrong?

I'm sorry, Walter.

Look, well, at least there's bread.

Here, baby, have some bread. Here, have some bread.

Baby, you know, Brooks has got me on a meal plan.

Mommy!

It doesn't look good in here.

It's a low-carb...

Daddy, Aunt May doesn't think she's actually cooking Christmas dinner, does she?

With any luck, she's not.

Grace always believed in everybody pitching in.

Grandma let me snap the peas.

She did, she did.

She used to make me clean a tub of greens.

She would be like, "Rachel, make sure you get those bugs out them greens."

Yeah.

Somehow I always ended up having a ton of bugs in my greens anyway.

But you barreled through. Didn't you? Didn't let that stop you.

Extra protein. Yeah.

Remember after I got married, Mom finally let me make the stuffing?

That obviously didn't work out.

Okay, really?

I was talking about the dressing.

You cannot help yourself, and it is baffling.

We were talking about our mother and somehow you made it about my marriage.

I wasn't talking about your marriage. I was talking about your divorce.

At least I was smart enough to get one.

Smartness! Hey, I'm still in the room. Okay? Girls!

88's in the house!

Are y'all fighting already?

Niya, pack your stuff. We're going to a hotel.

A hotel? A hostel, hotel, it's the same thing.

Girls! It'll be an adventure. Come on.

Don't waste a bus pass on my account.

Pack your bags, Lonnie. Hey, Rachel! That's called karma.

We're getting the hell out of here. Hey, Rachel! Cheryl!

Here we go.

You two. Get down here now!

What's wrong with you two? I didn't start this, Daddy.

Oh, my God! You always start it. Actually, you both started it.

You stay out of it. You're just making it worse.

I'm makin'... Okay. I'm Lonnie, now.

This is exactly why I wanted to stay in a hotel, Pop.

Well, what's stopping you now, huh?

Nothing's stopping me.

Quiet! Quiet! Hey, quiet!

What would your mother say if she could see you carrying on like this, huh?

Five days.

Just five days for you all to act like a family.

To act like you have the good sense you were raised with.

Five days so we can make it through Christmas.

That's all I'm asking.

Can you do that? Huh?

Love you, Pops.

You gotta hug me back. I need it. There it is!

You all should feel like a bunch of dumbasses.

No, Aunt May, I came here with the purest of intentions.

You are just straight up delusional!

Shut up! You're the one being stupid!

Shut up!

Now just shut the shit up! I'm sick of it.

Your daddy too damn old for all this bullshit.

Now if y'all don't get your asses in that kitchen and apologize right now, I'm kicking everybody's ass in here. Come on.

Well, I just walked in.

Boy, listen here.

Your little ass got on them red Bozo shoes. That's why you gotta apologize.

Get your asses in the kitchen.

Y'all need to get yourselves together so we can go to church tomorrow.

Look at this. Look at this young shit, here.

Push a bitch again!

Push a bitch again! God damn it!

Y'all gotta go to church tomorrow. You get there early.

Lonnie, get your ass away from me.

This don't make no sense.

They're just going to blow my buzz.

We're not going to make it to Christmas, are we?

Huh! Not a damn chance.

That's some good liquor right there, baby.

And the award for the most outstanding performance on offense, defense, and special teams for the Sportsman of the Universe...

I'm talking for the entire millennium.

Ladies and gentlemen, number 88, Evan Meyers!

Is it...

I can't...

You guys are so kind. My gosh! Thank you!

You know what I mean. That's just how I do.

Uncle Evan, Granddad said hurry up. We're going to be late for church.

All right, Cam. I'm coming.


God, you're holy Yes, you are God, you're worthy Yes, you are We give you our praise

Now, you know not one of us has been to church since we left Birmingham.

And now we're just supposed to come in here and act like...

We anointed!

Praise Him! Hallelujah!

How are you?

Yes, you are Yes, you are Yes, you are Yes, you are Yes, you are Yes, you are

"Unto us a child is born.

"Unto us, a son is given.

"And his name

"shall be called Wonderful."

Wonderful!

Before we get started this morning, I want to welcome all of our visitors and our CME Christians.

They only make it on Christmas, Mother's Day, and Easter.

Also, want to recognize one of our longest serving and dearest brothers in Christ, Brother Walter Meyers, here with his beautiful family.

Lonnie! Lonnie!

Let's not make it about me. This is about Jesus.

Stop it. Sit down.

Now we haven't seen Brother Meyers for a while since the passing of our dearest Grace.

You all right, son?

If you're in the neighborhood... Yeah.

Stop on by and say hello. Okay.

I'm sure he would welcome the company.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Uncle Lonnie, are we still going to fix rooftop Santa tonight?

Has Uncle Lonnie ever let you down?

Yes! Yes!

Lonnie, don't you think you should wait for Evan?

Hey, I'm doing it for the kids!

Your kids!

My hands are going up your ass. Ain't got no gloves or nothing.

Last time a man gave you a prostate exam with no gloves on?

I really don't think you should be messing around in there, Lonnie.

Don't listen to the Grinch, okay? I got this.

Uncle Lonnie got this for you!

Are you kids ready for Santa?

Yeah! Yeah!

I said, who's ready for Santa?

We are! We are!

I'm going to make you an icepack for the knot that's going to be on your head when you fall.

Come on, give it up for the Grinch. Give it up for the Grinch.

Cut that out! It's freezing out here. Let's get in the house!

Auntie, please. Can we stay for just a little bit longer?

Please, Mommy?

All right.

But the minute he's done, you come inside, okay?

Okay, Mommy. Okay, bunny.

Okay.

Careful, Lonnie!

Whatever.

I got this. Uncle Lonnie got this for you, okay?

Uncle Lonnie said he would do it...

Ooh!

Get out! Ow! Ow!

Whoo!

I got a little buzz on my finger that time.

Does Uncle Lonnie know what he's doing?

No.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

It's working!

He actually got it!

Great job, Uncle Lonnie.

Who's the man?

Uncle Lonnie!

That's what it's all about!

Ding, ding, ding- Ding, ding, ding-

Good job, Uncle Lonnie!

Good job! You actually did it!

I did not let the Grinches ruin Christmas for you.

Uncle Lonnie! Uncle Lonnie!

That's not good.

Oh! Shit!

Shit!

Oh, shit!

Ho-ho-ho!

Uncle Lonnie killed Santa!

Hold it! Hold it! Mommy!

Did you get that? I just posted it.

Good. Mommy!

Don't tell Cheryl. Do not tell Cheryl, okay?

Uncle Lonnie has it, okay?

Shit! My gosh!

Shit!

Is he still breathing?

We should take a selfie.

Don't tell Cheryl.


Hmm.

You could tell me where the tin is.

Thought I heard somebody down here.

Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

HEY-

God, she had the best smile.

Yeah, she had the best everything.

It's good to have you home. Yeah.

I wish you and Cheryl were getting along better.

Yeah.

Been that way since we were kids.

I don't know, I mean, I guess even in family sometimes people just don't fit.

You should have seen how I used to fight with my big brother.

I know you're not trying to make Mom's sweet potato pie, are you?

There's never been a Meyers Christmas without it.

And if I'm going to make it, I'm going to make it right.

The top five in the draft were supposed to be a lock.

However, now that doctors have cleared Evan Meyers to play in the upcoming bowl game, that changes everything, everybody. That changes everything!

He may be naughty, but the boy's game is real nice.

Poetic injustice, good morning.

Look. It's the accident child in his natural habitat.

He's unfunny and, therefore, a liability to the pride.

It's a shame, he won't make it.

I was not an accident.

Everyone has their fourth child in their 50s. That's common.

You better not shrink from the spotlight.

Merry Christmas, young man.

Merry Christmas.

Hey. Evan.

You locked me out. What?

You locked me out!

What? I can't hear you. What happened?

Evan, quit playing.

I am freezing out here, and I'm in my underwear.

Oh! I'm sorry. It must have been an accident.

Evan. Evan! I'm melting!

Evan! Evan!

Happy Kwanzaa, Mrs. Olakanday.

Mmm-hmm.

Evan! Evan! Evan!

Okay.

Oh!

No!

Evan, come on. Evan?

Come on. Evan? Evan! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're not an accident. Evan, don't be like this.

Don't be like this. God does not like ugly, Evan.

Evan, please.

Please, please. Come on!

Twigs. You need some help?

No, I'm fine.

Is there a reason you have a tattoo that says "sesame chicken"?

It does not say "sesame chicken," okay?

If you were more cultured, you would know that it says "Unbreakable" in Mandarin.

Well, I actually took Mandarin for a semester in college, I'm pretty sure it says "sesame chicken."

Stop looking at my ass.

You know what? You're right.

You got it.

I think it says, "Free fortune cookie with delivery."

Really?

Let me try to get you out of here.

No! No, no, no.

It's not that kind of party! Okay? It's not that kind of party.

Let me use two hands. I just... Get from behind me!

No! No!

Get... Get from behind me! No! Just...

Hold on. Back up off of my butt!

No! No! No!

There you go.

You okay? Yeah. I'm good.

What's wrong with you? I'm good. Okay?

I got it.

You Okay?

Evan, I'm going to kill you!

Phew! Everybody got everything?

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Hey, Aunt Rachel.

Look who's up! How was your morning?

Don't ask.

Hey, baby girl. Hey.

We got a lot of food.

I see this.

I swear, if I close my eyes, I can almost see her in here like it was yesterday.

The thought of having Christmas dinner without her...

Thought of cooking Christmas dinner without her...

She was a great cook.

Guess it runs in the family.

You need a cough drop, baby?

It's a shame we can't find her recipes.

Where are they? Who knows?

She stashed them in a tin around here somewhere.

That's right. You know, I saw her make those recipes a million times. I should know them.

I just always thought she'd be here.

She is here.

She's in every pot, in every pan, every cabinet, and every drawer.

We are all standing on holy ground.

This is the Church of Grace.

Y'all didn't hear me? This is the Church of Grace!

Hallelujah!

In the Church of Grace, we need music.

Let's get that music, Miss Niya. Thank you, Jesus!

Let's do it!

Put your music on, Miss Niya. Here we go.

Let's see what you gonna work with.

This is not church dancing!

Don't you get down! Don't you get down!

Come on, Mom.

Give it to 'em. Show 'em what you got.

All right, Aunt May. Show Aunt May what you're working with.

What do y'all know about this stuff?

You got my jam!

Sonya, you better get your titties off my back, girl, with your non-dancing ass!

Right here.

Cheryl! Cheryl! Do our routine!

Wait, let me get my shoes off!

That's it! Okay, that's enough of that.

We got it.

What? What?

Let Aunt May play some real music.

Okay, there go mine. Remember that? Remember that?

Remember, Aunt May taught y'all that when y'all was little girls?

Remember that? Come on. What you got?

Bring it back. Bring it back. Now take it low.

What? What? Now pop that.

All right. I'm doing second round.

Come on. Come on. Here we go.

Now, take it back. Come on.

Bring it back. Come on. Pump that.

Remember? Step! Bring it up.

Here it goes!

There it goes!

Now, take it back!

Come on, Aunt May.

Wait, Aunt May, you been drinking again?

Join us, Pop-pop. You gotta move it.

Daddy, Daddy!

Come on, Walter. Bring your old ass in here.

Go, Daddy. Go, Daddy. Go, Daddy.

Get 'em, Pop! Show 'em!

Push, Lonnie. Dang!

Push with your legs.

Y'all did it.

That's the biggest tree I've ever seen.

We've had bigger, sweetie.

Yeah!

Like the year Mom let Evan pick the tree.

It was so big we had to saw off the top just to get it in the house.

What did you do with the other half you sawed off?

We stood it up next to the bigger half. We had two trees that year.

You're welcome, by the way.

Like your mother always said, "The bigger the tree..."

"The bigger the love!"

Man.

Yeah.

Look here. I'm going to go into the garage and get the ornaments. Okay?

You need some help, Daddy?

I'm all right, sweetie. All right.

All right, y'all. Well, let's bring this thing to life.

Yes. Christian, go get some water for the tree.

I can't. I gotta go meet Brooks in town square.

Well, the kids would love to go to town square and meet Santa.

Come on, y'all. Let's do this. All right, have fun.

All right, Evan, baby. Get a broom so we can get up these pine needles.

I can't. I told Eric that I'ma hang with him for a little bit.

But you love decorating the tree.

I know. But when y'all mess up, then I get to fix it.

Don't be chasing them fast-ass girls.

Nah. Bye, y'all. Be careful, baby.

Now, Rachel and Cheryl, do y'all think y'all can go in the kitchen and put something together?

Some snacks, without killing each other?

Yes. I appreciate that.

Y'all go on and be big girls for Aunt May.

Depending on y'all.

And, Lonnie, I'm going to need you to get me the dustpan and the broom so you can help me get up these pine needles.

Okay. We'll get 'em up. Thank you.

But let me tell you something. What?

I love how your hair just drapes your face.

It just like...

You know, you feathered it.

And it's just so nice how it just, you know, shapes your face real nice.

Thank you, Lonnie. I appreciate that. Take care of yourself.

Thank you. Yes, indeed.

It's like you did a big-ass peach and a big-ass wig and you put that wig on top of that peach, and you drape it the same way.

Lonnie, go on, boy.

I don't feel like you right now. Get you on. All right, all right.

Let me get that broom. Get on!

Which tree do you think we should take home, Evan?

This one?

I want this one, Mommy.

Perfect. Just like you.


Feliz Navidad!

What up, fam? Come on, Santa Claus!

Time to go get them ho, ho, ho's.

Good to see you, boy. You always shining like a little...

God damn! What's that? Soul Glo?

Man, beauty supply store. Aisle two.

I'm up here way too high. Hang on. There it is.

Hold up. Boy, you ain't cool enough. What?

Come on, baby. You ain't going to leave me behind.

Come on, now. Who do you think taught you?

You ready? I'm ready. Let's go.

Hold on, I'm gonna put my seat belt on.

Because we all know you can't drive.

Let's get it. You know what I'm saying?

Okay... Daddy! Can we go see Santa, Daddy?

Huh?

Can we go see Santa?

Santa?

You know, 75% of all sidewalk Santa's have Hepatitis C.

Don't put your fingers in his beard.

Thank you for that very fun fact, Brooks.

Look, baby, soon as Daddy's done here, I'm going to take you to do whatever you want to do, okay?

Like that's going to happen.

Come on. I'll take you. Okay.

He gets that from his mother.

Let's take a walk.

We just lost Van Kirk. He's supporting Baxter.

What?

Our biggest donor just backed out? Wow.

Politics.

Yeah, so what do we do now?

Well, the Brigham Group is still looking for a way to...

Control our campaign.

No. Yeah.

To support you... Not me.

Because they believe in your vision to invest in you.

No, what they believe in is that if we win, they're the first in line for a favor.

Their last favor downsized a factory!

1,500 people out of work! Their last candidate is now a senator.

Andy Brooks, just, please.

I'm an adult. Just tell me what they want.

It's not even a done deal yet.

We will talk more about this after the interview.

What interview?

We are here with congressional candidate Christian Meyers.

New poll numbers show... Christian's on TV!

- That you really have a good chance- What?

Yeah, but we will not stop until the last vote is in. My gosh!

Politics aside, how are you enjoying being home for the holidays with your family?

Daddy! Daddy! It's Christian! Hurry!

Hey! That's the tie I bought him!

Move, Cheryl. Move! Geez Louise!

And the other highlight is Santa Claus.

Have you had a chance to sit on his lap yet?

No, I'm leaving that up to the kids.

If you did sit on Santa's lap, I'm sure everyone at home would love to know what you would ask for.

Ask for a suit that fits.

Because he going to mess around and get a yeast infection.

May! And that cream don't work on men, Cheryl.

You used to keep a yeast infection.

Aunt May! That itching, burning...

It didn't do good for you.

They ain't Instagram models, but they a'ight.

'Cause anytime you ask them to do something, they gonna be like, "A'ight."

Put some gas in the car. "A'ight." Pour my bath water. "A'ight."

I don't even take baths. I take showers.

What can I get for you?

Everything.

Can I get the chili cheese bacon burger?

And can I get some fries?

And can you please tell them to make it crispy.

I need to hear the when I eat. You know what I'm saying?

And can I get a milkshake?

With extra whipped cream.

Because last time, they forgot my whipped cream.

So I'm going to need my last time whipped cream and this time whipped cream, and some apple pie.

Can I just get a chicken breast, side of asparagus, and some brown rice, please?

Absolutely.

Everything's coming right up, baby. Okay.

All right, baby. You got mine? Baby?

Baby, baby, baby! I heard you 1 O times already. Okay!

Obviously you didn't. A bag of sugar.

A bag of sugar. Two sticks of butter.

Two sticks of butter. And some vanilla extract.

Don't forget, Lonnie.

And the vanilla wafers, and bananas... I'ma call you back.

Call you back!

Let me give you a hand with that.

Oh! See that?

I'm used to putting my hands up like that. Crashing the boards.

I know a little bit about boxing out, myself.

Okay. You play basketball?

I did.

I did. What about you?

You know, a little bit.

Who hasn't?

Lonnie Maclay?

My dad is a huge Seattle SuperSonics fan.

Wow.

I remember game four, 1991, game-winning shot.

You remember? You saw that game?

Did I?

We wore green for like a week straight!

Wow. Shatao!

Don't tell me you know about "shatao."

I know all about "shatao."

Wow.

I don't think anyone's going to believe that I actually met you.

Would you mind if I take a selfie?

If you know about "shatao," you can take as many photos as you want.

Okay.

Love that! Can we take another?

Funny face. Okay.

All right, you ready? Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Love that! Let me see.

That's great! Right?

You know what? I would love a copy of that picture.

Yeah.

You want to put your number in my phone?

And I'll just send it to you when I get off?

Okay, I'll put my number. Okay, put it in.

My number in here.

I would love to put this photo on my fan wall.

Especially someone as beautiful as you.

That's me.

I got it.

So, I'll send it.

You better send it.

I will.

But you're not going to get me fired. Okay.

It's a pleasure meeting you, Lonnie.

Attention, all shoppers.

Special holiday savings today with your Clubs Card.

Pleasure's all mine.

Twigs!

Twigs! Hold up!

Cool!

Workout partner for the week.

I missed the last three days. Had to double up.

How far do you usually run?

A lot farther when people aren't talking to me.

Me, I love the company. Helps the time go by.

I don't. It distracts me.

Girl, I swear, you haven't changed one bit.

Except for this jogging thing.

Looks good on you.

And neighborhood's looking good.

I gotta say, your pops did a real good job fixing up the house.

Okay, what part of "it's distracting" don't you understand?

Probably the same part of "there's a cicada in your hair" that you don't understand.

Get it! Get it! Get it!

Have a good rest of the day.

Get it! Get it! Get it!

Get it Off!

Did you find everything you need?

Sometimes you find things that you're not even looking for.

Crazy.

I seen your interview, E.

What interview?

The one on ESPN.

They said your shoulder was good. You all right?

Yeah.

Coach is...

He's trying to get me to stay on these pills for like another week or two.

I just forgot to get my prescription filled before I left.

You think your boy can get me some?

Who? Lil' Discount? Mmm-hmm.

Man. He good.

Got your suits, pills, negative pregnancy results.

Listen, the baby is not yours.

Ask him if he can get these.

My man can do it all, bro. I got you.

I'ma to talk to him for you.

Thanks, man.

Oh, God.

I found her!

Hey! Hey.

Who's Munchie?

His name is Malachi, and we used to be friends in high school.

Then why didn't you let him help us with the bags?

Because first they help you with your bags and next thing you know, they're taking somebody else to prom.

Mom, can I tell you something?

And not get in trouble for it?

What?

Am I going to get in trouble?

Probably.

You're an attractive woman.

You have a lot to offer a guy but you gotta stop running them off.

I'm not running anybody off.

Really?

Remember my gym teacher, Mr. Harrison? Yeah.

He said you were beautiful. He said he loved your hair.

And you said, "So if I was bald, I wouldn't be beautiful?"

No. See, I just don't think a woman's beauty should be defined by her hair.

Well, what about the gas station?

It was storming, and that really cute guy asked to pump our gas.

And I let him.

Well, yeah.

Until he hit regular unleaded, and you said, "So a black woman can't afford premium?"

Exactly.

You had to pump your gas in the rain while it ruined your hair.

I was getting my hair done the next day.

Mom, you're missing the point.

Men aren't that smart.

So we have to trick them into thinking things are their idea when it's really ours.

Like Brandon, my boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

You have a boyfriend?

Mom, stay focused.

I don't like carrying my bag all the time.

So when Brandon's around, I act like it hurts my shoulder and he carries it for me.

He gets to be a hero, and I don't have to carry my bag.

When did you get a boyfriend?

Focus, Mom.

Trust me.

Life's a whole lot easier when there's someone to help carry the load.

Even if you can carry it yourself.

People want jobs, and small businesses want capital.

It's not enough to create centers for small businesses.

We have to pool...

We have to cultivate resources.

Pop. Hey, morning! Morning! Morning!

I'm gonna whip up some pancakes here. You want some?

No, I'm trying to lay off them processed carbs right now.

Yeah.

I cannot tell you how excited we were watching you on TV yesterday.

You know, it's not often the son of an old mechanic becomes a United States congressman.

You own six auto shops, Pop.

And I do have to win the election first.

It's only a formality.

Hey, your mother...

She would have turned this whole house into your campaign headquarters.

Yep-

She'd have been so proud of you.

You know, maybe you can say a few words at the shelter this year.

I mean, hearing from a future congressman would make the year even more special.

I'd love to.

Hey!

Oh! Buddy.

You ain't worried about me embarrassing you?

Whoo! Here we go.

I thought we supposed to be playing some football.

Come on, old man. Let's go!

Who you talking to?

Hey. Come on, old man.

Hut! Hike!

Here I come!

Get him, son. Get him!

This is great. Quality family time.

A beautiful day. Beautiful day. Yes, it is.

They gonna kill each other out there.

Block! Look at the old man!

Here! Right here! Throw the ball!

Lonnie, heads up! Nice catch, Lonnie.

That's how they did it in Croatia.

What's up with those pink pants, Malibu Barbie?

I left mine at home. These are Cheryl's.

Yeah. No, we all believe that.

I'm down.

First down for me. It's touch!

Get off my sister, man. I got you.

I was down, Lonnie!

Cheryl, that's how you do it.

Whoo! What are y'all doing?

I taught you that! I taught you that, baby.

We got skills over here.

Hey, Aunt May.

That's for you, baby. She don't want you!

Uh-oh! Somebody got a boyfriend!

They'd make an excellent couple.

I got vibrators older than that child.

Go, baby! Go, baby!

Rachel, stop trying to pump him.

What's all this freaking going on? Come on!

What are you doing?

Cameron, don't you want to play?

Is it better to be on the team or own it?

Where's the flag?

Get your ass up, boy. Come on. Get up, boy.

Come on, Ev. Damn!

'Got it!

What was that, Lonnie?

Evan! Evan! Don't!

What the hell was that? You tripped him! What are you doing?

Lonnie, don't!

World Star!

Lonnie, have you lost your damn mind? Lonnie!

Lonnie! Wait a minute!

Man, you saw where I was going!

You gonna try to trip me? Stop it!

You had to trip him?

That's his career!

Not your dumb, made up one!

Really? What's that, right there?

What is that? Everyone knows you go overseas when you don't make it in the NBA.

You're a joke!

Oh. At least he had a career, Miss Teacher-Veterinarian.

Or is it attorney now?

Which, given the salary of a divorced, single mom working graveyard shifts at the Waffle House, will take till 2050 to afford.

Rachel, Cheryl! Okay.

Okay, game's over! Game's over.

Good game! Good game! Good game! Yeah!

Good game. Let's go get...

Let's go get dinner. Okay?

As long as it's not Waffle House.

The hell is wrong with him?

Go ahead. I got the baby. Come on, babies.

I got y'all. Come on. Come on.

We were doing so well.

You were great, Mom.

Yeah, man. I'm all right. I almost whooped that...

We almost whooped his ass.

Yo, you got that for me, or what?

Yeah, I got it.

Yes!

Damn, man! I didn't need this many!

No, a couple of 'em SweeTARTS.

Come on, Christian. Just hear me out.

This is exactly why I said I didn't want them to back my campaign!

They just blow into town and start steamrolling over small businesses.

No, they blow into town, and they turn state senators into congressmen.

This is not good! I can't do this!

I think you're over thinking this.

They're just going to go downtown.

They're going to turn some old, shitty buildings into beautiful lofts.

What's the problem? My mom.

The homeless shelter is in the district.

It meant a lot to my mom.

Look, after you're elected, you're going to rebuild that homeless shelter.

And it's going to be beautiful. Your mother would love it.

Andy Brooks, no announcement until after the holidays.

Fine.

Hey, Lonnie.

Can I get some help in the back?


Hmm!

No, you didn't.

Ooh!

Sorry.

Rachel.

Rachel Meyers.

Do we know each other?

Jasmine. Chloe's little sister.

From high school.

Yeah, right! Right. How is she?

She's good. She's coaching women's basketball at Kansas.

Nice! Yeah.

Wow! You look the same.

Like no time passed.

How have you been?

Seem to be blowing up over there.

Boyfriend?

Um...

He just invited me to Chicago for the weekend.

Must be nice. $8.49.

He can't get enough of you.

Do you mind?

He's so cute.

Look how perfect we are together.

Shit.

That's what I said.

Want to see another?

Um... Oh!

Yeah. Confirmation of your love.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to spend Christmas alone.

But he's got to take care of his Grandma Cheryl.

She's really old.

Yeah.

I had an old Grandma Cheryl once.

She was a mean, old bitch.

You said you were going to be alone on Christmas?

Yeah.

You don't have to be.

I don't? Nope.

Our family has so much love to give.

Obviously.

That's what's up.


Some game, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, don't worry about what your sister said.

Being single isn't bad.

Thanks. Feel a lot better.

What is wrong with you?

You know, nothing.

Except that you keep trying to act like we're cool when we're not.

Why aren't we cool? Really?

Belinda "Big teeth"?

Who?

Your prom date? Horse face?

Her teeth weren't really that big. She had a small mouth.

And, okay, I took her to the prom. What's the big problem?

You took her to the prom! That's the problem.

After you canceled on me at the last minute.

Like you even wanted to go with me!

Why do you think I asked you to go?

I heard him.

Heard who? Your dumb jock friend.

He was laughing about how easy it would be for the star basketball player to take his nerdy next-door neighbor to bed that night.

I heard him. And you just let him talk about me.

You didn't say anything!

You're right. I didn't.

And neither did he after I broke his nose.

That's how Damien broke his nose?

You would have known if you weren't such a dramatic little princess.

You would have known why I canceled if you weren't such a dumb jock.

Wouldn't have mattered anyway

'cause there wouldn't have been enough room in the limo for the three of us.

The three of us? Yeah.

Me, you, and your ego.

Oh. We'd have fit.

Because your low self-esteem doesn't take up too much real estate.

You know what? I'm glad we didn't go.

That makes two of us. It would've been a terrible night.

Worst prom ever.

Absolute worst!

It would have been a horrible night.

Awful.


Ooh!

Okay. Here.

Aunt May, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Hold it. Aunt May is in concert, baby.

You don't interrupt Aunt May's concerts.

Just hold it a little longer, Cam.

Is Cameron all right?

That food is still running through him.

Heaven and nature sing Heaven and nature sing

I've been sipping!

This is good to me.

Ah!

Come on.

It's getting me up outta my seat!

You feel that?

You sound beautiful, Aunt May.

I'm gonna go ahead and let Cameron sip some.

Hell no.

Double the temperature, half the time.

Boom!

You've got to finish strong, baby.

I haven't even done my small business speech yet.

That's our "Yes, We Can" speech.

I don't know what's in that speech, but just keep saying it because you're now the growth candidate.

That means that you are going to be...

What the hell is this?

The rezoning's going to happen with or without me, Pop.

They don't need my support. Our prime purpose in life...

If I plan to get into office, I need theirs... is to help others.

If you can't help them, at the very least, don't hurt them.

But if I do not get elected into office, how can I help, Pop?

Great progress requires great sacrifice.

Did you come up with that yourself?

Or did your campaign manager write it for you?

People figure it out, Pop. They always figure it out.

Your mother was seven years old when your aunt was born.

Pop, please don't bring Mom into this.

Your grandparents were having a tough time and having another mouth to feed didn't make it any easier.

They ended up losing their home.

And moving into a shelter.

That shelter.

That's why it was so important to her.

So the next time you talk about people figuring it out, remember, one of those people was your mother.

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

My macaroni and cheese!

It was going to be disgusting. I did you a favor.

Well, then do me a damn favor. Don't burn down the damn house!

'Got it!

Damn! Lonnie!

I'm sorry, Aunt May.

What the hell did you all do?

And you done sprayed some shit on me, Lonnie?

I ought to whip your ass. You raise your goddamn...

Shut up!

You can't afford to buy me no more outfits like this.

This my damn Chaka Khan.

Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan!

Five days.

I knew it was going to be tough.

But I said, "Surely the children she loved so much

"and damn near gave her life for

"would find a way to make it work."

Obviously, I was wrong.

And disappointed.

I expect you all will clean this up.

I'll tell you what. I'll be the better man between the both of us. Okay?

I'm sorry.

You going to be the better man between the both of us?

There! Messed up my damn Chaka Khan wig.

You see what happened just now? Do you see what happened?

You don't do that to a man!

That wasn't no man I did it to. Here, you take this rag.

You old big-lipped son of a bitch. You take that one.

Good luck.

No. Don't even try, Christian.

I'm not the one who tried to deep-fry the whole kitchen, am I?

No. And I don't think I was making the blackeroni and cheese over there.

So I think we should just go.

You want some pizza and wings or something?

You know I gotta watch my carbs, right?

That's fine.

They got that high school cheerleader menu you can order from.

Shut up, dude.

It's all good. Right?

Okay, I'm done.

Great!

So now, I can remake the macaroni you ruined.

No. I'm going to make the dressing you ruined.

Rachel, you're being ridiculous. No. I need to get my stuff.

Rachel, stop. You always do this.

I need all this.

Why are you taking my stuff?

I need the noodles. No.I need...

Oh, my God.

Oh.


Mom's fried chicken.

"Always use a cast iron skillet."

That's why mine never turned out right.

Yeah, she did.

Buttermilk biscuits.

Christian would kill for this.

And Brooks would kill us.

Let's give it to him.

Carbs!

Her collard green recipe.

Smoked turkey necks, half a cup of sugar, and a pinch of bugs. Bugs.

So amazing.

Did you find the sweet potato pie recipe?

Oh, God. Mom made it so often I don't even think she wrote it down.

Look at this. Wow.

Aw!

I think I'm going to go outside for a minute.

What's up? It's your girl, Jazz. Leave a message.

Hey, Jasmine. It's Rachel.

Look, I made a mistake in inviting you to dinner.

And I'm really sorry.

And I hope it doesn't totally screw up your whole day.

Merry Christmas.

There's maybe more sugar, butter.

It looks like Grace's.

Will it taste like it? Let's see.

What are you doing here?

Me and bunny were elected to tell you that everyone is really sorry.

They say you wouldn't be mad at me 'cause I'm too cute.

And they are right.

You all ready for Santa?

Am I'.>

I get to see all my presents, and eat all the dessert I want, and not get in trouble.

And Nana's sweet potato pie is my favorite.

Mine too.

I just hope my version doesn't disappoint everyone.

So far, it hasn't been going that good.

Are you smiling when you make it?

When Nana cooked, she always smiled.

You haven't smiled a lot, Pop-pop.

When I get sad, I just think about all the things that make me happy.

And then I smile.

Maybe you should try it.

Maybe I will.

Hot!

What do you think, love?

Eggs.

Just a little bit of cinnamon. Now, remember that. Little bit.

Sweet vanilla.

All right?

And nutmeg.

That's the bomb.

I can't remember how much milk you put in this.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.


Hey, yo, Pops. Santa came early.

Oh, man.


You want some sweet potatoes, baby?

30. Daddy? Hmm?

How do you like the cranberry salad? Pretty good, huh?

Very good.

I made the stuffing. Do you like it?

Tasty. Cheryl, would you like some?

Yes. I would, Rachel.

That's very nice of y'all.

There you go. I'm going to be a copycat.

Thank you. I want some stuffing too.

You can't get enough stuffing, can you?

Sure can't.

Let me get that.

Do you want some stuffing, baby?

Boy, I'm a grown-ass woman.

Cameron, you mind passing me the green beans, please?

Don't eat too much.

We should save some for the shelter. Right, Granddad?

That's right, buddy.

This is really delicious.

Listen, if I promise not to cook, can we do it again tomorrow?

Oh. Careful. Watch the floors there, Cam.

Never know when we gotta resell. Right, Pops?

Right.

If you want to get scratches out of wood floors, here's a little trick.

You get some shoe polish and some Crisco oil.

Get a pair of old underwear.

Wrap the old underwear around your hand, nice and tight, and you buff it out.

Put a little muscle to it. Buff it out real good.

I'm sure you got a pair of old underwear lying around, Walter.

Little trick I learned over in Croatia.

Listen.

I'ma stab your ass with this fork. Do you hear me?

I would love that.

Evan.

What's going on with you? You've been moping around all day.

Nothing, yo. I guess I just lost my appetite.

Well, that's never happened before.

I love the new paint on the porch, Pops.

Evan, we were talking to you.

And the hedges.

You've been meaning to clean those up for a while now. It's nice.

I guess you finally got around to it now, huh?

Yeah.

I guess I did.

You know they have these new fiberglass gutters, right?

Lonnie, shut your ass up. Lonnie, please.

Now, damn!

Evan, baby, what you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Tell 'em, Dad. Tell everybody what it is I'm talking about.

Wait a minute. What the hell is going on?

Dad, you're selling the house?

No. You're joking, right?

You did this without saying anything to us?

Cheryl, give that to me. That's not what that is.

Let me see this.

Come on now, Walter.

You know you should've said something to somebody.

Pop, Mom would have spoken to everyone in this house before she made that kind of decision.

Mom wouldn't even think about selling the house.

This is the family home.

It's my house.

Let me tell y'all something. I understand...

We're just a little confused.

It's really sudden, Dad.

It's my house.

Why would you even consider that?

It's my house!

I'm supposed to ask your permission to sell my house?

Evan, baby. Get him.

Evan!

Evan, come back!

Well, at least we know it can't get any worse.

I'll get it.

Hey, everybody, there's a lady named Jasmine.

She says she's Aunt Rachel's friend.

Hey!

Hey! What are you doing here?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!

You invited me.

I did. Did you not get my message?

No. Oh.

Um...

I never check my voicemails. I'm a texter.

What was it? Am I not supposed...

No. No.

I just wanted to make sure you brought something.

And you did! You're a mind reader.

This is great.

Jasmine, this is my family.

Family, this is Jasmine.

Okay, we have names.

That's sister, father, brother, sister-in-law, child.

Nice to meet you all.

You can sit right here. Welcome.

Why would you do that?

Why would I do that? Why would you do that?

What are you trying to do? Break up a happy home?

Obviously, it's not that happy if you are banging the cashier from the Piggly Wiggly.

You invited her to Christmas dinner with your sister.

Who does that?

Who does what?

Who puts paprika in potato salad?

Who does that?

Everybody. Not my family.

We don't put paprika on potato salad. We just don't do that.

Okay, Lonnie, you're being ridiculous. Come on.

I'm talking to your sister about the potato salad.

Okay, we're in the middle of Christmas dinner.

You can talk to her later. Okay.

Come on now. Come on.

Help me!

Okay. You like them brownies, don't you?

This must be a special recipe.

I love your home, by the way.

Yeah? Thank you.

It's so beautiful.

I really think you should. They're very good.

I already had 'em, baby.

Really pretty.

I love your family.

Thank you.

I still have some.

That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah, they are good.

Is there any more dressing?

No dressing on this table. I'm going to go grab some.

Lonnie, sit down.

Lonnie?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Rachel, you know Lonnie.

I'd love some ham. Thank you.

Some ham?

How about I just stick a slice at a time in your mouth?

You were trying to surprise me.

That is so sweet.

So, you two know each other?

Yeah, well, when you called me from the supermarket when I was getting those ingredients for the banana pudding.

Bananas, the vanilla, the vanilla wafers.

It's not every day around here you run into a professional athlete who invites you to spend a weekend in Chicago.

What is going on? And you definitely don%run into people nice enough to invite you to such a beautiful Christmas dinner.

So, Rachel knew that you knew Lonnie when she invited you to our dinner?

Mmm-hmm.

I got a little toothache here.

Orajel.

You were saying?

Well...

See, she recognized him from one of our pictures.

Oh!

There's pictures!

Shit!

You got a Instagram?

Want to see?

No.

I'd love to.

Are you getting this?

How sweet!

Right?

Just cute.

Christian?

Oh. Uh... Don't swipe left.

I was thinking Lonnie and I wouldn't get to spend Christmas together because of his grandma.

Cheryl?

Oh! Shit!

Shit! Hey, Cameron, you and Niya take your sister downstairs.

Finish your meal down there, okay?

But I didn't even get to see the pictures. Now!

I need to see these pictures.

You get your plate.

And you get yours. And your napkin. You can move faster than that.

See? I always get treated like this. You need to whip his ass.

This is the problem with these children nowadays.

I never get to see stuff.

Sonya, you gotta take more control.

This is not fair.

Be on back.

Is that oil?

I Skyped you.

Thank you. Wait for me.

All right. Here we go.

Your Grandma Cheryl.

It's obvious that she misunderstood...

Thanks. What I said.

You said your grandmother was sick, and you had to take care of her.

And I love that about you, babe.

Just shut up. So proud of you.

Where is she? I would love to meet your grandma.

I'd love to meet Grandma Cheryl.

No, baby. You don't want to meet Grandma Cheryl.

You know what?

I'll get Grandma.

Baby.

Aunt May going to ask you not to go get Grandma.

Don't disturb Grandma.

I think it's the perfect time for it.

I'ma ask that you let Grandma rest because every time Grandma come out, something different starts to happen.

We don't have to impress nobody with Grandma.

Walter, your old ass need to do something.

Now, you sitting there like you don't hear this shit.

Lonnie, you don't want her to get Grandma.

Christian.

Let's go in the kitchen. How about that?

I'm good.

Sonya.

Auntie May, let's go make some kimchi balls.

Hey, Lonnie. Can't help you.

Baby, did I say something wrong?

You said a lot of things wrong.

You want to meet Grandma?

Well, here she is.

Don't shoot me! Wait a minute.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

Cheryl! Cheryl! Wait!

Give me that gun!

You all knew who Grandma was!

That's not Grandma!

This is ridiculous! Somebody say something!

Lonnie, what the hell is going on?

Shut up!

I'm his wife, you dumb bitch.

Who you calling a dumb bitch?

You! You dumb bitch, young bitch, silly bitch, dead bitch.

She got the gun, bitch.

Lonnie, if you're going to bring bitches in here, bring a smart bitch.

Give me that rifle, and give it to me right now!

Stay out of this, Christian.

Christian, get her!

I'm too old for this shit.

Shit!

Shit!

Christian, stop her.

Cheryl, please! No, no, no!

Cheryl, drop the gun.

Cheryl, you're not going to shoot me.

You're not going to shoot me outside in front of all these people.

Cheryl, please! Enough!

Walter. Okay. That's enough.

Shit! You shot me! Cheryl, please. Enough.

She's the best shot in the family, Lonnie.

If she wanted to shoot your ass, she would have.

Come on. I'm taking the gun now.

Give it to him, baby. Let me have it.

I got you.

We all got you.

We all got you, all right?

Something happened to Uncle Evan!

What?

Evan's going to be fine. Thank God.

He's a little banged up, but very lucky.

We still need to run a few more tests, but he should be okay to go home.


I don't need...

Any help.

I know.

I can't believe this is how we're going to remember our last Christmas in the house.

At least Evan's okay.

Cheryl...

What I did...

No matter what, no matter how I felt,

it was awful.

Yeah, it was.

I'm sorry.

No.

You probably did me a favor.

Lonnie had a wandering eye and a wandering everything else.

He wasn't going to change.

And he refused to floss.

But as much as I want to blame Lonnie for everything,

I probably could have been a little less...

Overbearing?

Controlling.

You're also ambitious and generous and the smartest woman that I know.

I always wanted to be like you.

You wanted to be like me?

Yeah! You're my big sister. Of course.

I was always jealous of you.

I mean, Mom and Dad always let you just figure it out on your own.

Highly overrated.

I was jealous of you because you never had to.

Also overrated.

So, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Maybe you could help me with my divorce?

If you ever get that law degree.

You can't help yourself, can you?

I just can't. Just gotta... You know?

Learned this one. I earned it.

How you doing?

Okay. Yeah.

Quite an accident, huh?

Being high on pain pills probably didn't help.

Mom's never going to see me graduate, never see me in pros, get married, have my first kid.

She was supposed to be my date to the draft.

We talked about what we was going to wear and everything.

I know you're missing your mother.

She was always there for you.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was.

She was always cheering the loudest.

Every time I caught the ball.

Every time I dropped the ball, she still was cheering the loudest.

Every moment in my life, my mother was there for me.

The one time...

The one moment that she needed me, I was not there for her.

Evan.

You were exactly where she wanted you.

Watching you do what you love is what she loved.

I mean, she's still watching you and loving every minute of it.

It's not fair.

It's not. I know.

But numbing the pain doesn't make it go away.

Neither does selling the house.

Without your mother,

it's like...

It's like learning to walk again.

Though...

I guess we're gonna both have to learn together.

There they are. Managing directors of Brigham's.

They just want to meet you before they leave town.

It's not a big deal.

Let's just get it over with. All right?

Let's get it over with. Come on. Smile.

Walter, I'm so glad you could make it.

We needed you more than ever this year.

I think I needed you even more.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

That is so true. I tell ya.

Because the truth is, we are going to make more money than anybody.

It's going to make people sick. And you, my man...

We're going to take you to the White House.

Yes, sir. I'm not joking.

Don't think I'm playing.

Our prime purpose in life is to help people.

And if we cannot help them, at the very least, don't hurt them.

You're going to be happy.

And you, my man, are going to be happy.

Right?

I can't do this.

I'm serious. We can take it to the top. What?

I believe it. I know we can.

Have a good evening, gentlemen.

Merry Christmas and God bless.

I'm not allowing this place to go without a fight.

Don't worry, Pop. You won't be fighting alone.

You see this old man skimping on your dressing?

Come on, Pop.

That's more like it.

Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you.

I love you, Pop. I love you, son.


"If you're going to help me with my divorce, "you gotta finish law school first. Cheryl."

Wow.


Is this Grandmaster Munchie Mega Mellow Mix, Volume 7?

It's Mellow Mega Mix, Volume 8.

The one I made just for you.

That was a good mix tape.

It was.

What are you doing?

We missed out on something special 20 years ago.

And I'll be damned if I let that happen again.

So, I was wondering, if you're not busy tonight will you let me take you to the prom?

Rachel?

Rachel?

Just gonna leave me out here like that?

I was digging through my mother's attic for two hours looking for this tape.

Munchie? You making a lot of noise out there...

Ma, go to bed!

This is crazy.

She ain't never gonna change.

Damn.

Damn.

It's Cheryl's.

I kind of barbecued mine after, you know...

May I have this dance?

Yeah.

It's gonna be a terrible night.

Absolute worst.


Talk about going out with a bang.

Yeah.

I sure am going to miss this old house.

Yeah.

Hmm.

When I proposed to Grace,

I knew I was going to do everything I could to give her the best life possible.

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I think I didn't do enough.

I really didn't think it was possible.

But you really are dumber than you look.

You know, I've performed with some of the greatest entertainers to ever grace a stage.

And I've dined atop of the Eiffel Tower as the lights shined as bright as a thousand stars.

Even got drunk in a pub in Denmark with the Count of Rosenberg.

He was a huge fan.

That was when I was on that Sly and the Family Stone tour.

Mmm-hmm. Remember that one?

Little Sister. Yes.

Yes, indeed.

You know, I'm living my happily ever after.

And because of you and with you, my beautiful sister got to live her happily ever after, too.

Yes, she did.

How you like it?

That's Turkish coffee.

Got that on the Chaka Khan tour. Tell Me Something Good, 1982!

Best coffee I ever had.

Yes, indeed.

You know what?

We ain't tried your pie, Walter.

Maybe it's for the best. No.

How bad could it be?

Well. Well, we gonna see.

I'm tryin' to scoop that piece out of there.

You put this together, Walter. Now, let's see what we're dealing with.


I'll be damned.

Well, wait a minute, Walter. Damn!

You ain't gonna eat all of it! Give me some.

There's a little crust there.

Hey!

Hey, Cheryl! Sonya!

Come on. Rachel, come on. All of you!

Come on down here and get some of this pie!

I did it!

I did it!

I'ma get some more of this Turkish coffee for everybody.

Okay, then.

Hey! Come and get some of this pie! I did it!

Come on, all of you!

Hey, Christian, all of you!

Hey, Cheryl! Evan! Rachel!


Nuts.

Am I tasting your nuts?

You feeling like that, Rachel? Huh?

'Cause I'm every woman.

I ain't scared of you, Aunt May. Well, then bring...

Bitch!

Cut. Cut!

Okay, Santa. I'm going back in, baby.

How do you like that?

Too much, Santa?

Hold on, now.

To wash it all down, some milk tea with boiled tapioca balls.

We don't put balls in our mouth.

Not necessarily.

Aunt May studied tae kwon do in a dojo in Taipei, and they called me Sensei Titty Chop.

You know why they called me that? Because I chops bitches' titties.

Ask Tina Turner about me.

I can always kick her ass. One time, I had to titty-chop that bitch.

Well, I'ma tell you, you can't have none of this ass, Lonnie.

If you were biting your wife's ass some more, maybe y'all have a happier marriage.

Bite it, lick it, whatever you need to do.

She look unhappy as shit out there, worrying about do the fish have goddamn teeth.

Baby, do I bite your ass?

Every night.

You heard that?

My bags are in the car. Mmm-mm.

My bags aren't in the damn car.

They in the driveway. Okay?

That's where my shit is.

And because I ain't had my medication, I don't know what I'm saying, goddamn Walter.

Damn!

You could just have something rolled for me or something when I come to visit.

That's why you killed my damn sister off.

Because you don't treat her right.

Shit!

Cut.

All right, cut! Cut!

Cut! Cut. Let's do it again.