Almost Heroes (1998) Script

Narrator: In 1804, president thomas jefferson Commissioned meriweather lewis and william clark To explore the vast, uncharted territories of the northwest.

What most people don't know is there was a second expedition, Led by 2 other men, Men that may not have possessed the courage, Vision, or intelligence of lewis and clark, But men nonetheless.

Their story, such as it is, Begins in arlington, virginia.

Yaah! It'll take more...

Than a couple of fops...

To take me down! I tell you--

I hope satan himself burns the flesh From your miserable bones!

Good god, lady.

Get your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

Faster, man, faster!

But not too fast!

As much haste as possible While maintaining a tolerable level of comfort.

A man's life is at stake. Ah-ah!

On march 25, 1804, Bartholomew hunt, a tracker employed by The army of the united states of america, Was found guilty of drunken and disorderly conduct In the presence of an officer.

Then later, he forced that officer to waltz with him Through a crowded mess hall.

Have you anything to say?

Yes, i do.

When i am dead and have passed on to the next world, I want you to lower me from these gallows and...

Kiss my hairy buttocks!

Hang him! Hang him!

Hang him! Hang him!

Hang him, then shoot him!

Hang him! Hang him!

Hang him! Hang him!

May god have mercy on this man.



Out of the way! Get back. Get back.

Out of the way. Get back. Out of the way.

I have a stay of execution Signed by president jefferson himself!

See? He signed it right here.

"thomas jefferson"!


Thank you. oh, god!

Mr. Hunt, i plan on being the first man To map a route to the pacific, But i require an expert guide.

You wanted a tracker, why'd you choose me?

Why didn't you get william clark?

Don't you think i tried?


Meriweather lewis beat me to him.

I'm sick to death of those two!

Lewis and clark this, lewis and clark that!

Well, we'll see who talks about them After we beat them to the pacific.

We'll see who gets invited to the finest parties.

We'll see who parlays their accomplishments Into a political career.

When the history books are written, Lewis and clark will be but a footnote to a footnote, And i, sir, will be the note!

My hands will grow rough, My teeth may yellow, I might even experience a soreness in the joints.

Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, Make no mistake.

We will face danger from savages and from bears.


These bears are wild, mind you, Not trained carnival bears with...

Little hats.

Sounds exhilarating, sir.

Few men would have the courage For such an endeavor.

I'm not afraid, mr. Burr. My mind will protect me.

I'm a man of science, a man of learning, A man who knows how to buy the finest books.

Fear will be our breakfast And stark, raving terror our daily luncheon.

Eh, mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?

I'd be more worried about the indians than the bears.

It's common knowledge That when the savages capture a white man, They will split open his head, pick out his brains, And eat them with a crudely-fashioned fork.


Have you witnessed such atrocities?

I've, uh, seen the forks.

You look like a man who appreciates good whiskey.

Uh, thank you, sir, but i fear inebriation May cause me to forget my manners In such fine company.

Good god, i'm not talking about getting blind drunk.

I just meant for you to have a taste.

Well, then...

A taste it shall be.

Ahh...Ha ha!

Not bad.

How about you get your own bottle?


Good morning.

I had jonah put you in here last night.

It seemed a barn was the only suitable place For a man in your condition.

I think there was something wrong with that whiskey.

My head is splittin' open.

I'm surprised you're hung over at all, Considering the amount You regurgitated into the harpsichord. oh, god.

Look, um, sorry about that.

I'd better go now.

Mr. Hunt, mr. Hunt.

I cannot go on this journey without you.

I'm offering you a full partnership.

What do you think of that?

I think it ain't worth the spit you wasted saying it.

I'm also willing to pay you $100.





Ha ha ha! Great things are in store for us!

Soon our names will be on the lips of...

Well, on a great many influential lips.

Are you listening, mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?


I believe those pigs would prefer their privacy.

Hell, paid good money to see this onstage in louisville.

Of course, there, the pigs were dressed Like the king and queen of france.

Ah, costumes. Legitimate theater.

I'm looking for leslie edwards.

I am leslie edwards.

My name's jackson. It's been my lifelong dream To see the pacific ocean before i die.

Please take me with you.

An old bag of bones like you Wouldn't make it 100 yards upriver.

On my worst day, i could still beat the stuffing outta you, You puffed-up crow's cock.

No, you couldn't.

I know. Please take me with you.

I must see the pacific.

Can you deny an old man his dream?

I cannot, and i will not.

Jackson, you may accompany us.

Horse's ass.


Help us load the boats.

Sorry, can't do. I'm an old man.

Edwards, this man says you hired him as an interpreter.

You must be guy fontenot.

I am.

It is my understanding you have mastered The languages of all the indigenous population From here to the pacific.

Who told you this?

Why, you did, in your letter.

My letter.

Ah, the letter.

Yes. Then it is the truth.


Which boat will we be in?


Fontenot wants to bring his wife.

I told him he can't.

She's not my wife. Not my wife.

I buy her. She belong to me as a property.

Well, the distinction has been noted.

Unfortunately, the boats have been fully loaded, And we haven't even taken on my hats and tea service.

They say you can't come.

You didn't let me finish.

Certainly we can make room.

I mean, who needs tea?

Let it be known...

That if i catch any man looking at her...

I will gut him like a pig.

Yes. I'll see if i can work that into my speech.



Edwards: Father.

Dear lord in heaven...

Bless us as we leave this christian world...

And give us courage To bring your gospel of love and tolerance To the ignorant, godless savages who await us.


Amen. Amen. Amen.


All right, let's go!

Hold on, mr. Hunt. Hold on, everyone.

I've prepared a short address To commemorate our embarkation.

Here we go.

Men, we are about to embark On an unprecedented adventure to the great northwest.

Unfortunately, lewis and clark have a 2-week head start, So time is of the essence.

We will be pushing up the missouri--

What? Against the current?

Mightn't it be easier to go down the mississippi Instead of up the missouri?

Yes, it most certainly would be.

We could go to new orleans instead.


Gentlemen, we have already been to new orleans.

I've been to new orleans. It's wonderful.

I've been there as well.

The food alone is worth the trip.

The food. Sir, oh, the food!

New orleans! New orleans!

New orleans! New orleans!

New orleans! New orleans!

All right, fine!

Any man who is too cowardly to share The greatest adventure in our young country's history And would rather experience the decadence of new orleans...

Well, then go right ahead.

Mr. Hunt, do something.

Next man who leaves for new orleans Will do so with a lead ball in his back!

Need i remind you that you all have signed contracts?

What about them?

Well, they will be dealt with.

By who?

All right, they escaped.

Now, get in the boat!


Edwards: And so, our journey begins.

I believe the men and i share a tremendous sense Of excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead.

Thank you, higgins.

Your music will be a welcome companion on our journey.

We will be following the map of trapper pierre leblanc Who explored the missouri in 1792.

Hunt, you've traversed most of these territories.

Tell the men what they might expect to encounter.


Well, what i remember most were the animals.

Ah, the animals.

Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains.

I seen a bear so powerful That it snapped a man's body in half With its huge jaws.

I seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans.

Now, that'd rip your face right off. Right off!

There's nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off!

Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky...

Caw! Caw! Caw!

And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets.

Ow! Aah!

The fella was screaming, "i'm blind! I can't see!

Oh, god! I can't get it off!"

Twice when i was fishing--

Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!

I think you're scaring the men.

I think it's best they know.

Gives a man courage to know what he's up against.

There's an animal now!

Ha ha ha!

Kill it!

We can't kill it!

We're all dead!

God save us!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

It's only a squirrel.

He's got something in his hand!

Something in his hand!

Edwards: 31 may, 1804...

We are now spending our first night in the wilds.

From this point on, hardship and depravation Will be our constant companions.

Jonah! It is absolutely brutal out here!

The water's nowhere near as hot as it was in virginia.

I wouldn't know, sir.

Personally, i just finished washing my privates In the ice-cold river.

I think i'll-- yes, i think i'll wear My paisley robe this evening.

It's your prerogative, sir.

Yes, it is.

Mr. Hunt here to see you, sir.

I just thought i'd tell you There's already a problem with the men's morale.

It's our first night out.

How can there already be a problem?

Well, one faction feels you don't care about them.

Another feels the original goals of the expedition Have been abandoned for quick profits.

You, uh...

You have to keep on top of these things.

Edwards: And we are all in this together.

We are no different from one another.

Except, of course, for our rank in society And in this company.

Let us get better acquainted.

What do you do with your leisure time?

Leisure time...

You know, time for yourself Where you don't have to work.


Never mind.

You there, fingering that stomach wound, Stand up and tell us a little about yourself.

Me, sir?

Yes, you. Bidwell, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

What did you want to know?

Well, anything. Where are you from?

What's your family like?

Name's bidwell, sir.

Yes, i know that.

All right. Anyone else?

Sir? Higgins has a story.

Oh! Oh, yes, you're gonna love this one.

Well, all right, higgins. The floor is yours.

This particular event happened last summer On my uncle's farm in virginia.

My brother and i Had just finished cutting a field of hay And were enjoying the evening meal Under the shade of an elm tree.

He went down for water by the creek, And while he was gone, i took a bowl That was filled with delicious plum pudding And placed into it Not one, but 2 large pieces of sheep shit.

Ha ha ha!

When he--when he returned, I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding, And as sure as i'm standing before you today, He did! He ate it all!

Shit pudding!

He ate shit pudding!

You got your brother to eat sheep dung.


Yes, that's a very amusing story.

Ha. tell him...

Tell him the ending.

That's the best part.

Oh, yeah!

And to be completely honest, sir, I have no brother.

It was me!

I ate sheep shit!

I swear! I did!

Yes...Yes, clever twist on the end there.

Well, i think we've become well enough acquainted For one evening.

Fun, fun.

He ain't got a brother!


When i said your music would be a welcome companion--

Don't you know any other goddamn tune?!


No, sir.

Of course you do, lad.

Play 'em that haunting air You played me this morning.


What is it?


These are the iowas.

Fontenot, please greet this man in his native tongue.

Ha ha ha!

Why do i laugh?

See, of the hundreds of language That i speak fluent, This is not one of them.


Bad luck.

They do trade with whites. He probably speaks english.


Good day.

I bring you wishes for peace from thomas jefferson, The great chief of the whites.


You've insulted him.

You forgot to introduce yourself.

I am bartholomew hunt, And this here is leslie edwards.

Your turn.

I was told you speak english.

Is this so?

Well, we seem to be making some progress.

Let me try something. we wish to try...

Forget this.

We come in peace on behalf of president jefferson!

You-- hunt. Hunt.


I am chief two roads.

If you're the chief, then who is that?

His name is bent twig.

He's not right in the head.

I've caught it. Now what do i do with it?

Put it on.

All right.

Bidwell: Oh, god! What are you doing?

Let me breathe!

Ahh, good news.

Looks like they're going to let us live.

Let us live?

I had to give them a few of your finer things So they wouldn't kill us.

They seemed so friendly.

That's the way of the savage.

Pretend to be your friend, share a drink, Listen to your problems, Then they're scooping your brains out with a spoon.

You mean a fork.

That--that would depend on the tribe.

Mr. Hunt, the iowas wouldn't have killed us.

I know that.

I'm just not carrying that junk with us the whole trip.

Aah! Help! Help me!

You keep away! Aah!

Hunt: What the hell's going on?

Bidwell, take it easy!


What's happening here?

Sir, that french animal bit my ear off!

That's an absurd exaggeration.

My apologies, bidwell.

Fontenot: He look in our tent.

He look at my woman.

He saw her breast.

Her breast? You saw her breast?

I'll say it before and i said it again, Any man who look at her will die.

Look at me! I'm going to make an experiment.



Can you hear me?

I can hear you, pratt.

It works!

Of course it works. He's standing right--

Let's get some sleep.

Good night, bidwell.

¶ lullaby and good night ¶ Edwards: The race to the pacific continues.

Although still bent on beating lewis and clark, I am cataloging new varieties of flora and fauna.

I seem to be the only man with an interest in science, Aside from pratt And his dubious experiment with bidwell's ear.

I shall name this flower "amanda's bloom."

Mr. Hunt, as my partner, You should be naming some of our discoveries as well.




You could name that fork in the river, for instance.

Perhaps there's a loved one you'd care to immortalize.

Loved one.

Yeah, sure.

Ha. I know.

I name this here fork...

"pittsburgh nellie."

A welsh whore Who could do things with her one good arm That'd make you forget that thing on her neck.

Edwards: By permitting mr. Hunt to name some of our discoveries, I have unleashed his imagination.

He now insists that i teach him to read.

His enthusiasm reminds me of the schoolboy i once was.

Are you ready?




Is the uppercase...


You know, i spent a day in school once, But the schoolmarm claimed That i just couldn't concentrate.

Let's prove her wrong, shall we?

You know, i've waited years to hear somebody say that.



This is the uppercase...



The uppercase "a."

Heh. Got that.

All right.



And this is the lowercase...






Ohh, god.




Oh, god.



And this is the--


Do you want my head to explode?!

In the name of all that is good and decent, No more for today!

In exchange for reading lessons, Mr. Hunt reciprocates By teaching me some of his frontier skills.

The buffalo is near now.

Ah, you can tell that just by sniffing its droppings.


I can see the herd right over there.


Well, then why are you...


No, i shouldn't, uh...

I couldn't possibly...

Edwards: Ohh.

Oh, ohh.


Ha ha ha ha!

You're not doing any naming up here without me, Huh, partner? Ha ha!

Uh, no, no.

Hey, uh, what you looking at?

The moon.

I was looking at the moon.

For me, the moon brings to mind "romance."


Have you ever been in love, mr. Hunt?


I've had my head under a petticoat or 2.

Good lord.

Must you and the others Reduce everything to its crudest terms?


I thought i cleaned it up rather nicely for you.

Mr. Hunt, Behold the object of my desire.

Behold an angel Sent down from on high.

Angel from on high.


Oh, my god.

From here on out You keep your distance, all right?



No, no, no!

Get out of the way, you big french oaf!

Behind fontenot.

Edwards: Now you see?

Hunt: Ohh, yeah.

Now i see.


All right, That's enough, mr. Hunt.


I said all right!

Mr. Hunt, that will be enough!

Ohh, i understand.

You wanna watch her by yourself.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You wanna be alone So you can shake hands with ben franklin, huh?

You know, Polish the pewter.

Polish the pewter?

Why, jonah does that for me.

Yeah, right.



Mr. Hunt, i assure you, i've never...

Edwards: 10 july.

Have driven the men hard, And i'm positive We've closed the gap on lewis and clark.

However, because of the currents, I surmised that we'd be better off Portaging for the next several miles.


Edwards: It's hard work, But it's nothing compared to the deadly currents We'd be battling on the mighty missouri.

Hunt: Pull!

Here we go!



Psst. everybody wake up.




Hunt: Whatever you do, don't move.

If he sees you, You're dead.

My nose itches.

Don't scratch it.

Feels like there's a bug up in there.


Hunt: I think it's leavin'.

I'm gonna scratch it.

You scratch your nose, you're dead.

Oh, i don't know what's worse, The bear or my itchy nose.

No! Don't!

The bear is worse!

The bear is definitely worse!

That poor, poor man.


Can you hear me?

Bidwell, can you hear me?

Can you--

I fear the bear has killed mr. Bidwell, sir.

He's failed to communicate with me By way of his ear.

It doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work any way.

But even if it did, He couldn't talk through it.


Never mind.

Bidwell: Help me!

Ha ha!



Sir, i've been to hell and back.

Yes, i can see that.

I suspect that now You'll want to lead a hunting party To slay that terrible beast!

Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind...


But now i have a better idea.

Yes, sir?

I shall fashion for you The finest wooden leg you've ever seen.


But what about the bear?

Rest assured, bidwell, In 20 years or so, the ravages of old age Will deal with the bear far more cruelly Than we ever could have.

Revenge is sweet, sir.

Edwards: 29 july.

We reached the final settlement Before entering uncharted territory And god only knows what.

Edwards: Well, it seems as if we've arrived--


I can read it.

I can read it. Ha ha ha.






For the love of god, man!

It says "welcome to snakes bend"!

Ohh! God, yeah.

Onward, men!

Snakes bend.

Almost had it.

I got it, i got it, i got it.





Yes, it's a tavern.


I think it would be a nice gesture If i bought the men a few tankards of ale.

Oh-ho-ho, A nice gesture indeed.

Ha ha ha!

We both know how you get when you drink.

Oh, yes, we do.


And that's why i think you should go To the trading post for supplies now.


All right, men. Fun, fun.

To captain edwards.

Captain edwards!

Captain edwards!

Excuse me.

I had heard there was a party of brave men here.

I'm here to tell you That i am not unfamiliar with the ways of men Who have been long in the wilderness.

I understand their cravings for food and drink And also their cravings For the companionship of young women.


He's got women!

Where are they?

Wait for me outside.

I will take you to them.


Come on!

Take me to 'em.



My woman pleasure me whenever i want.

Yes, i shall refrain as well.

I've made a solemn promise to someone.

Man: Really?

Yes, i promised my doctor I wouldn't engage in that sort of thing.

Got a drippy dong, eh?


No more than normal.

It drips when it should, And it doesn't when it shouldn't.

Will that be it?

Let's see, uh...



Uh, is there a barber in town?

I'm a barber, sir.

Oh, fine. I'll have a haircut and a shave.

By the way, uh, You smell like something That's been passed through the system Of a sick old woman.


Maybe i'll have a bath, too, then.

Good idea.

This way, gentlemen.

Don't be shy.

Come in and meet the ladies.

Man: Did i not tell you they were beautiful?

Don't you have any real women?

These women may be whores, But they have their dignity.

Now, who would like to be the first To introduce himself, hmm?

Hello, my dear.

My name is hieronymus pratt.

Might you have relatives in richmond, virginia?

Some of them, uh, flies Were there before i got in.

I just saw hidalgo.


With all his men?

No. Just half a dozen, But they're headed this way!

Double my wages for anyone who'll take my shift.

I have heard of this hidalgo.

A spaniard who wanders the northwest.

Even crazy people think he's--


Did you say something?

I, uh...No.

No, i...

You said something about my hair.


Why not?

You don't like my hair?

Yes. It's nice.


My hair is magnificent.

It's long and soft And shines with a light that comes from within.

Can't you see it?

Yes. It's beautiful.

Beautiful, yes.

That's all i have to say.

I'm sorry if i frightened you.

Good god.


You do good work.

Thank you, sir.

I strive for excellence in all my various trades.

Tell me, among those trades You wouldn't happen to practice...



I was going to say dentistry.

Oh. Well, i'm primarily a taxidermist.

However, i have practiced dentistry On the animals i've preserved.

And, of course, over there.


Good, good, 'cause i have got a molar That's been bothering me since st. Louis.

Oh. I can oblige, sir.

He said, "i know.

It wasn't a horse. It was a donkey."

Her hair is perfect.

So beautiful.

Is this your woman?

She belong to me.

Well, who are you?

Guy fontenot.

Well, you may call me hidalgo.


I wander the northwest territory Searching for a fabulous place.

A place where the earth trembles and speaks And a white cross Marks the location of an age-old secret.

And what is the secret?

Ahh. You try to trick me With your deceiving questions, huh?

But you will learn nothing.

Not unless you join us.

Come on.

You're perfect.

If you join us, Everything that belongs to you, Belongs to me, too.

And if i don't?

Then we tear out your heart, cut off your limbs, And skin you alive.

I'll join.

Good. I'm delighted.

Ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Now this should dull your senses.

All right.

Ow! What are you doing?!

What, are you trying to kill me? Ow!

Put it down!

Put the thing down and pull my tooth!

God almighty!


All right.

Say, "ahh."


It's in the back.

All right.

Ok. Ok. Aah!


That guy is in there.

Come on. Let's go.

Don't take her!

Take me instead.


Put your hands on your hips.

No, no, no, no. Like this.


Huh? Look at that.

And here i've avoided the dentist for years Because i thought it'd hurt.

Oh-ho, no.

Look at that.

No, i think i'll still keep the woman.

Come on. Let's go.

You can't take a woman against her will.

Of course, maybe it's time For her to spread her wings and fly.

Hunt: Well, well.

What do we got here?

Hey, sonny boy...

Your mother wants her roasting pan back When you're done playing with it.

I challenge you And your ladies in armor to a duel.

All of us?

Every poofy prancing one of you.

We are more than equal to a duel, señor, Especially since you won't live Past the first contest.

What weapons do you choose?

Pistols, swords, or...

Bare fists?



Time's up!


I swear that's never happened to me before.

Well done, mr. Hunt.

I'm deeply impressed and grateful.

Maybe now you'll agree...

Drinking has its benefits.

You saved my life.


Maybe now you'll agree...

Drinking has its benefits.

You just said that.

Now, if you don't mind, It's time for the liquor to take effect.



My furniture. My draperies.

My women!

Pratt's still in there!

Man: Fire!

Man: We need a hand over here! oh, no.


It's all my fault, captain!

She said she didn't mind if i smoked.

I believed her!

Oh-ho, mommy!

Let's retrieve hunt from the tavern And get back to the boat.


I think we've seen All that snakes bend has to offer.

Pratt: Oh-ho-ho.

Ohh, my heart.

My heart!

Permission to check on the condition of my woman?

I wanna check on her bandages And see if she can keep some food down.

You realize, of course, This woman of yours is made of straw.

Oh, yes, sir.

I figure that's why she burned so easy.


Who is it?

Good evening.

I was just collecting samples of bark For president jefferson.

Some bark. I was collecting it.

Samples of bark.

You're not like these other men.

You're softer...

More delicate.

In a rather rough way, right?

Not at all.

Look at you.

Thin wrists.

Skin like a baby.

Almost a total absence of shoulders.

All right.

I think you've flattered me quite enough.

Look at me.

I'm behaving like some kind of animal.

I liked it.

No, no, no!

This can never be.

I'm betrothed to another.

Besides, we come from different worlds.

You are primitive, And you follow your baser instincts.

I come from a culture that values christian morality.

Maybe one more couldn't hurt.

What? What? What did i say?



Higgins: I don't see how it's possible For the river to flow up and over those mountains To the western sea.

The river can't flow up and over Anything.

So, i guess our journey's over.


No, no! Never!

We're pushing on.

We'll scale the rocky mountains Within the month And then build canoes And float down the western slope Before the first frost.

Edwards: 29 october.

What i had hoped was an early dusting Turned out to be somewhat more.

Our journey is half finished, But our food supply is nearly depleted.

The only man who seems to be thriving is pratt, Who is eating what remains of his straw woman.

As for me, I seem to have come down with a slight chill.

What? What? What?

What do you think you're doing?

The last rites.

No, no. There'll be none of that.

Please do not try to bury me before i'm dead.

Go away.


I can make medicine that will cure him, But i will need the egg of an eagle, Or he will die.

The egg...

Of an eagle?

That's all?

That is all.

You know, the, uh...

Last creatures we saw Were way down below the snow line.

You're a very brave man to do this for your friend.

Well, i...

Ain't nothing more than me doing my job.

So, uh...

Better be going.




Ohh! Aah!

Aah! Oh, god!

Ohh! Aah!



Heh heh.


Shaquinna: We need the egg of an eagle, Or he will die. he will die.

He will die.


Dear god.

President jefferson, i implore you.

If we do not give bears the right to vote, They will rise up, And bears will be in congress, And we will be the ones performing in carnivals Wearing little hats.

Shh, shh, shh.

President jefferson, A few months ago, i saw a naked indian woman.

When i saw the naked indian woman, I had certain impure thoughts.

Something in me has changed Out here in the wilds.

You must rest.

I saw a naked indian woman.





Hunt: Ok.


Where are you?

Where are you?


You protect your little birdies?



Come on, you damn bird!

Come and get me!

I got it. I got it.



You broke it.

All i needed was the shell.

Thank you.


Guhhk! Guhhk!

Eep! Eep! Eep! Uhh!



The medicine is working.

Can i lick the bowl?

Heh heh! Heh heh heh.

Hee hee!



Your fever is broken.

Thank you for standing by me.

The person you should really thank is mr. Hunt.

He risked his life to bring back an eagle egg.

Could've just brought back the shell, But nobody bothered to tell me that.

Thank you, mr. Hunt.


We'll build canoes and be on to the pacific By the first thaw.

I cannot begin to express my...


Don't be talking about no feelings.

I don't want to have to punch you.


Well, just the same--

I'm serious.


Good god.

Edwards: What rare luck is this?

Hunt: What?

Lewis and clark, And, the damn fools, they're portaging.


They're portaging because they think The river is too dangerous up ahead.

I think we should do the same.

I see no reason for concern.


An old saying--

"white water in the morning."


That's it.

Mr. Hunt, This is our chance to overtake lewis and clark.

Sure, we may overtake 'em, But it ain't worth risking the lives of the men.

I assure you all will be fine.

I hope to god you're right.

Don't worry, men.

According to my calculations, We have less than 100 yards of rapids ahead.




Ooh! Ooh!


Ha ha!





My hat's off to you, sir.

We made it!


Men, we have overtaken lewis and clark.

Gather up the pieces of the boat And what's left of our supplies.


I beg your pardon?

You almost got us killed Just so you could be famous.

Well, i ain't taking no more.

I'm quitting this expedition.

What of our partnership?


You didn't care nothing about our partnership Back there on the river.

Well, i don't care nothing about it now.

Who's coming with me?

To hell with both of you.

I've spent my entire life Trying to see the pacific, And i'm going by myself.

Who's going with me?

Jonah, where do your loyalties lie?

I'm your slave.

Who do you think i'm with?

Thank you, jonah.

I'm going with mr. Hunt.

We're close!

Only a few hundred miles!

We will be the first!

Trust me, the worst is over.

The worst will never be over--

Not with this precious dandy in charge.

If you want to live, come with me.

Use your minds, men.

Think for yourselves.

Or would you rather have mr. Hunt Do your thinking for you?

My heavenly father does my thinking for me, And he thinks i'd be a damn fool Not to go with hunt.

No, no.

Father. Father, wait.

It is better to think for yourself, And i think we should continue to the pacific.

Stout fellow, bidwell.

How can you say that, man?

You've had it worse than all of us--

Been mauled by a bear, Your ear bit off by a frenchman.

True enough, sir.

I have had my share of bad luck, But i cannot abandon mr. Edwards now, For he alone has dared to dream.

And now we are so very close That i believe him when he says The worst is over.

When i said the worst was over, Perhaps i spoke too soon, But now surely-- ow!


Get down!

Hidalgo: I'm sorry. I was aiming for your head.

You wait there.

We'll be down in a moment to capture you.

Ha ha ha!

Hidalgo: I want them in their underthings When they die.

That makes it much worse, Don't you think?

Heh heh heh heh.

Prepare the gauntlet.


The gauntlet.

I've decided these 2 men will die Running the gauntlet.


The gauntlet! The gauntlet!

All right. Calm yourself.

You don't think i know where there's a gumbit?


Sanchez! Gauntlet.

You and the frenchman prepare the gauntlet.

I'm sorry we must cut short our fun, My little kitten.

If you so much as lay a hand on me, I will kill you!


Take her away.

Punch him!

This is what it's all about, huh?

Burn your feet, you cowards!

Oh! Ow!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ow! Eeh! Oh!

Look at the poofy one!


Whose idea was the corn?

They're getting away!

Hector, follow them!

After them!

Go after them!

Over there!

Hurry! They're almost here!

Oh, god!

Come on!

Forget about me.

You can do it!

Save yourself.

I'll never forget this, bartholomew.

And now we kill you, señor, And take your head back to hidalgo, But we do have one tiny favor to ask of you.

Yes. You see, so often when we bring a head Back to hidalgo, It has a grimace or a look of terror.

It would really put us in good with hidalgo If you could smile as we kill you.

Go to hell.


No, no.

Did you see how ugly your face was When you said that?



Say "poppy."

Yes. Say "poppy."

You see, one cannot help but smile When they say the word "poppy."

Say "poppy." say "poppy."

Poppy. Say "poppy."

Die, you spanish bastards!

Poppy, you sons of bitches.

You know, uh...

What you did back there for me was, uh...

That was real nice of you.

It's fine. Don't--

You don't understand.

It's just that, uh...

No one's ever done nothing like that For me before.

And, uh...


Thank you.

That's all.

Just thank you.

Especially someone like you, Who could've got himself killed so easy.


I think he's asleep.

I think he's dead.

Aah! Jesus!

I'm sorry i scared you.

I was just resting my eyes.

We need help.

I will help.

I am a proud warrior.

Wait. At least let us explain the situation.

There's no time for that.

Look, our men are being held captive By at least 20 conquistadors.

Are there others in your tribe that can help us?

Perhaps men a bit...

Younger than yourself?


I am going to cut this woman's hair off.

Anybody want to guess why?

To entertain us?


Because she asked you to?


Oh. I know, i know.

Because her hair's more beautiful than yours, And you're jealous.


I am going to cut her hair off Because it's not as beautiful as mine.

Because even if she won't admit it, She's thinking, "why should i even bother to have hair When he's got hair like that?"

You understand?

No, not really.

Others: No.

I don't-- i don't get it.

Who cares?

I'm going to skin you all alive anyway.

Prepare her.

Prepare her.

You indicated that the braves you had summoned Were younger than you.

They are.

Running puma is 2 years younger.

Strong like mountain is, um...


4 years younger.

We appreciate you showing up and all, But, uh, We're going to probably just, uh...

Do this alone.

At the moment of battle, Our spirits will soar And give us the strength To fight.

All: Uhh.


This is the way we must travel.

This way, we save our strength for the battle.


What now?

Running puma have to go back behind tree again.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

This is the last time.

Anyone else has to go, do it now.

I ain't stopping again.

I don't see how these indians Are going to help us.

Perhaps we need not rely on them to fight.

Perhaps i can bluff hidalgo using my wits.


Hidalgo: This is getting much too difficult.

We can finish brushing her hair after she's dead.

Edwards: Stop right there, señor!

This has gone too far.

You must release shaquinna.

Such arrogance.

You are surrounded by an army of indian braves Who, on my command, Will descend upon you with all the fury Of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse!

Hell, we got more than 4, And they got names like soaring eagle And strong like mountain And...

Others, too.

Well, where are these braves, huh?

Show them to me.

Show them to me, too.

I am one of these braves.

And i am one of these braves.

I am one of these braves.


Well, that's quite an army, huh?

I mean, why should we fight?

Maybe if we wait a couple hours, They'll die of old age.

Die of old age!




And you thought i couldn't escape you, huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha!


Here's an idea--

You take off running into the woods, And i try to count to 3 Before i put another hole In your hairy french ass!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hairy french ass.

You had me go--

And i'll put a big hole in your hairy french ass.

Man, you--






Hidalgo: Hey, señor!

Look what i have!

Your woman!

I'll take care of this.


You've done enough, bartholomew.

Oh, leslie!

Come on!

It's time for me to fight my own battles.



Hidalgo is mine.


Sir, you are a coward.

You seized a woman and ran, And now i'm going to teach you a lesson.


Ha ha ha!

Either you're brave, or you're stupid.

Perhaps there's not much difference between the two.

You're a smart man.

After i kill you, i'll have to look at your brain To see if it's different from, you know, Other brains i might have seen.

Good god.


Well, hello, baldy.

Hey, baldy, baldy, Baldy, baldy, baldy!

Oh, my--

You shut up!



Ooh! Uhh!



You see me as i truly am, señor--

Just a bald...

Fat man Begging For your mercy.


We've just seen lewis and clark.

They're a mile away, And they're headed for the ocean.

My god.

Well, come on, then.

We can still beat them!

Hey, señor!

This business with my wig--

It's just between you and me, huh?

Ha ha!

Oh, my god.

We did it.

Not yet, we haven't.

They're going to get to the ocean before us.

The only way to beat them Is straight down that rock face.

Well, then, as leader of this expedition...

I should be the one that climbs down.


You ain't going down there.

You'll be killed. I should go.


Then this is for your own damn good.

How was that for my own damn good?

Sorry. The, uh...

The punch was supposed to knock you out.

Let's see here.

Ah, this here ought to do it.

What--what the hell are you doing?


He's going to go.


Give me the flag.


Good luck.


Oh, god!

Aah! Ha ha!


Aah! Ohh!

Oh, no.


Oh, god!

Aah! Whoa!


Oh, god!






Ho ho!

Oh, god!


Please, bird!

Don't hurt me!

You put me on the ground, You damn dirty bird!






Aah! Uhh!

Oh, my god.


You did it!

We all did it!


How'd you get down here?

We...Found an indian trail.

It was very nice.

Yes. They even carved little steps.


Shame we didn't take another minute or two To look around up there.

Leslie, look.

You're too late!

We beat you!


Go home, losers!

Hunt: Hey!


We're the first to conquer this great continent.

Yeah! Yeah!


Time to head home.

Yeah. Yep.

W-why does it have to end here?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about exploring!

Look here, men.

We've beaten this continent.

What say we try another?

We could travel north to the bering strait--

A bridge of land and ice that leads to asia.

We could walk there.

Walk to asia?

I like it.

And why stop there?

We could go on to europe.

Hunt: Yeah!

Edwards and hunt--

The first americans to walk to europe.

Higgins: The food alone is worth the trip.

Bidwell: Oh, the food, sir!

Edwards: This time next christmas, We'll be sipping champagne in paris!

Higgins: Paris, here we come!