Along Came Polly (2004) Script

REUBEN: I, Reuben, take you, Lisa...

I, Reuben, take you, Lisa, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

Lois, the room looks beautiful. Thanks.

The candles have been replaced by the mini-lamps you asked for.

So no fire hazard. Great. Did we sanitize these?

The best man is in the house!


LOIS: Oh, my God! REUBEN: Sandy, are you okay?

Jorgé, ice. The best man went down.

Dance floor's a Slip 'N Slide, dude.

I thought I told them not to wax this.

23% of the guests are over 70. I don't want anyone breaking a hip.

Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of it.

I analyze risk for a living. It's my job to worry.

Let me do the worrying, because you got to get married.

I'm good.

You got my note that Harry Bard at table 7's allergic to seafood?

His chicken will go nowhere near the fish.

We're putting the finishing touches on the cake.

This looks great. Lisa is gonna love it.

This looks great. Lisa is gonna love it.

Hit me, dude.

(EXCLAIMING) Aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?

That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.

I saw that movie in high school.

That bagpipe scene was the funniest shit.

We had a good time on that picture. Want an autograph?

No, thanks.

It's good to see you, man. I thought you died 15 years ago.

Ah! Nah.

I'm very much alive. I've been stage-acting.

Getting back to my roots. We should...

They're making an E! True Hollywood Story on me.

That'll clear up questions.

They're really doing a show about your life?

I got a camera crew following me the next few weeks.

It's gonna be huge. Cool!

Reuben! Two-minute warning. Lisa's on her way down.


Look, Reuben. Yeah?

I'm asking you this because you're my oldest friend in the world.

And I'm your wingman. Okay. What?

Are you sure you want to do this?

Sandy, there's not a doubt in my mind.


I found the perfect woman. We're totally in love.

My life's working out just like I planned.

Let's go get married.

MALE GUEST: Mazel tov!

Go on. Kiss each other.

Big smile, everyone!

Come on, you love each other.

Smile, Grandma.

Having fun.




Hello, everybody. I'm Stan Indursky, Reuben's boss.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Now Reub's not the sort of fellow to brag about his own success so I'm going to do it for him.

The fact is this young man here, is the best risk assessment expert in this whole meshugaas we call the insurance business.

Irving, Vivian, you've raised a wonderful son.

Let's hear it for him.

Reuben, Lisa, let me just say...

that I would insure your marriage any day of the week.

Mazel, you two. Good things.

Oh, and, Lisa, don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon.

I need this kid fresh when he gets back.

Mazel! Good things.

You know, the truth is, I've been waiting for this day my entire life.

About four-and-a-half years ago I met a real-estate agent named Lisa Kramer... who showed me an apartment, which I rented... just so she'd go out with me.

I gave him a good price. Not good enough. She's a killer.

No, seriously... after about a month of dating, I knew she was the one.

And I couldn't be happier that on this day that I've been dreaming about for so long... the woman I'm standing next to is you.



LISA: Oh, my goodness!

REUBEN: Look at this place! LISA: I lost my shoe!

So pretty! It's beautiful.



How's your bruise? It's okay.

You know, it's a little sore.

REUBEN: They really should tell you... if they let Komodo dragons run around the hotel.



How about this one? Let's see.

"Recently renovated colonial in Montclair, three-bedroom..."

Sweetie, we took a virtual tour of this one on the Internet.

It was perfect, but just a little pricey.

Oh, right. That's right.

It's probably off the market anyway.

Why do you say that? Because I bought it.

You what?

I bought it!

Reuben, I'm in shock. You don't do things like that.

You love it, right? I do, but, Reuby...

We have a house! Oh, my God, we have a house! Honey!




How's it going?


It's going great. Thank you.

I see you gang are new to the island, I want to come have a meet with you.

I show you my boat. That is my boat there on the sandbar.

It's very big.

Yeah, it's pretty good size.

So, tell me true, are you guys for scuba?

What does that mean?

I'm the unofficial scuba king of St. Barts.

So if you're for scuba, I take you out on the boat, I show you the coral reef and we have like a scuba party?

That sounds great, but we're not certified, so we'll have to pass.

That is no biggie. I get you resort-certified... couple of hours.

I have always wanted to try it. Yeah?

Good. My name is Claude. What is you guys' name?

My name is Reuben. This is my wife, Lisa.

CLAUDE: I am here all afternoon.

All right, au revoir, Reuben, Lisa. Solid.


CLAUDE: Hi. Hello. How's it going?


Reuben! Lisa!

Hi. Hello.

Isn't this exciting? It is. It's fun.

You know what? I think I'm gonna skip the scuba diving.

Reuben, no. You called eight hotels. They all said this guy was the best.

I know, but you know how I am about boats, and I feel queasy.

Your stomach's acting funny?

It's okay now, but you know how it gets. So why don't you go?

We're on our honeymoon. I won't go without you.

No, you've been wanting to try this. I want you to go, okay?

It will be fun. I'll pick you up at 4:00, all right?

I love you. I love you, too.

You're not for scuba, Reuben?

No, Claude, I'm gonna go run some errands in town.

But you guys go. Have fun. Can I talk to you for a second?

Of course.

Listen, this woman means more to me than anything else in the world, so be careful.

Scuba can be very dangerous if proper precautions aren't taken.

Reuben, look to me in my eyeball.

I promise you I take care of Lisa as if she were my own flesh and blood.

Thank you. Okay?

Solid. Okay, solid.

CLAUDE: All right? Are you ready?

Yeah. Will a little boat come over...

Ally oop.


Au revoir, Reuben.

REUBEN: Bye-bye, honey! I love you! I love you!









Oh, my God.

CLAUDE: I love you! LISA: Ooh, la la!

Oh, my God!

Holy shit, Reuben! This is not what it looks like.

You're staying on the island with Claude?

I'm a little confused right now, Reuben.

I think I need a little time to figure things out.

What did you do to her? Did you mess with her oxygen tanks?

I did nothing, Leuben.

My name's not Leuben! It is Reuben.

Look, we had a scuba, we talk about life, we drink some white wine.

We cannot help it. It is like love at first sight.

She make like the fire in my trouser.

LISA: What he's trying to say, Reuben... is that we didn't plan it. It just... It happened.

It's like the story of the hippo.

I'm not familiar with that story.

The hippopotamus is not born going, "Cool bean, I am a hippo." No way, José.

So he tried to paint a stripe on himself to be like the zebra but he fool no one.

Then he tried to put the spot on his skin to be like the leopard.

But everyone know he is a hippo.

So, at certain point, he look himself in the mirror and he just say, "Hey, I am a hippopotamus...

"and there is nothing I can do about it."

And, as soon as he accepts this, he live life happy.

Happy as a hippo.

You understand?

I'm gonna kill you! Reuben, no!

No, Reuben. This is not the way.

You're gonna be fine, Reuben. No, I'm not gonna be fine.

I'm not gonna be fine at all.

Don't come back to me when you change your mind, because this ship has sailed.


REUBEN: Hey, Tina.

Hey, Mitch.

Hey, Reub.

Cheryl. Hey.

TINA: Indursky & Sons, how may I help you?


How does everyone know about this?

Your mother called Mr. Indursky and told him what happened.

I am so sorry, Reuben. Thanks, Gladys.

Come here. Okay. Thank you.

All right. I know.

Hey, there he is! The big man's back.

Come on in here, I want to spitball something with you.

Can you give me a minute? I'm just going to the men's room.

I'll join you.

I heard about your honeymoon. Just terrible.

I knew that girl was a slut the second I met her.

Well, it's kind of complicated. I mean, there's...

Don't make excuses.

She's a dime-store hooker and always will be. Just put it behind you.

Speaking of which, you ever hear of a guy named Leland Van Lew?

REUBEN: Leland Van Lew... Yeah, Australian guy, right?

Made the cover of Forbes last year? STAN: Exactly.


He started one of those high-tech, modem-scrotum, God-only-knows-what-they-do companies anyway. Jesus Christ.

They want to take the company public and to remain CEO of the company, guess what he needs?

Life insurance. Bingo was his name.

You want me to check him out? Yeah. There's just one catch.

This Van Lew has a reputation as a cowboy.

Apparently, he's one of these extreme-sports nuts.

So, it's a long shot but if you can pull this thing together, there might be a lot of dough in it for us, an extra bonus for you, help you with those house payments.

All right. Let's make sure he checks out first, and...

You see? This is why you're the only one I can trust with these jobs.

I was worried you'd been through hell and back with that whore wife of yours.

You sure you don't need some more time off?


I'm good. I'm fine. Absolutely sure?

All right, good things.

SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me. This is private property.

REUBEN: Yeah, I know. I just bought this house.

I move in next month.

Oh, sure. Mr. Phifer, right?

Feffer. But you can just call me Reuben.

Okay. Welcome to the neighborhood. Thanks.

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry about your wife, Reuben.

REUBEN ON VIDEO: First ofall, I want to thank everybody for coming out.

This has been an incredible day and night.

It's just so great to see all these people, friends and family.


To tell you the truth, I've waited for this day my entire life.

I'm so sorry, Reuben.

Thanks, Sandy.

SANDY: I'm here for you, brother. Thank you.

DUSTIN: We're rolling. VIC: Sound speed.

What the hell is this? Remember Dustin and Vic?

They're doing the E! True Hollywood Story on me.

Sorry about your wife.

VIC: Sandy, you want us over here? SANDY: By the table.

VIC: Are you sure? SANDY: Yeah.

Is this better? Yeah, thanks.

Look, forget it. I'm not going to a party?

What do you think will happen?

Lisa'll waltz through that door, saying she made a mistake?

No, of course not, I'm just...

I'm trying to make sense out of what the hell she did.

What can I say, you're my best friend.

You're my partner...

Hold on. Let me see something.

REUBEN ON VIDEO: You're my wife! Man, it feels good to say that!

And you're my wife! Man, it feels good to say that!

Check out her expression. She's terrified.

She's smiling. I'm a student of acting.

She's faking it. The woman got spooked.

She needed to explore, which is exactly what you'll do.

You've been gifted with freedom. Don't turn your back on it.

I don't want freedom! I want to be married!

I bought a goddamn house!

I got to move out of this apartment in, like, six weeks!


Look at her. She's not thinking about having a deep, committed relationship with a complex individual like yourself.

She's not? SANDY: No!

She's daydreaming about having hot, shallow sex with a French nudist!

"Oh, I'm hugging. Oh, I love you so much." Liar!

Whose party? Is this again?

It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost.

His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.

Oh, man, I'm so frigging horny.


Just don't leave me alone.

I haven't been to a party? By myself in a long time.

Relax. I'm your wingman. I'll be by your side the whole time.

So what do we do?

Do we get a drink or take a lap around the...


More wine? Sure.

Thank you.

This party? 's so boring, and there are no cute guys.

I haven't noticed. I'm appreciating the art.

I'm not looking for cute guys.

You swore off men since dumping your last boyfriend?

He was not my boyfriend. We went out for three days.

It was two months! Really?

I hope he doesn't have to buy that now.

Oh, my God! I think I know that guy.


You're Reuben Feffer, right? Yes?

I'm Polly Prince.

We went to junior high or middle school or whatever it's called, together.

Yeah! Polly Prince! Yes.

It's coming back to me now. You left before high school.

After seventh grade, my mum and I moved to Michigan.

Now you live here in New York? Moved here a few months ago.

So, you know. REUBEN: Wow.


Friend of yours? Yeah, that's Roxanne.

She does that with bread, wine bottles, and... Anyway...

So what's your deal?

You've got to be married with kids and the whole thing.

No, I'm not. I'm single. I haven't taken the plunge.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sandy, this is Polly Prince. Remember? From middle school?

How you doing? Wow.

Okay, Sandy Lyle, last time I saw you, you were playing bagpipes in that movie.

Croco Tears. Yep, that's me.

Polly! Can I have a word with you?

Sorry. Excuse us.

What happened to you?

I'm in a situation here. We must leave now.

Can we stay a couple more minutes?

Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.

I don't know what that means.

I tried to fart, and a little shit came out. I sharted.

Now let's go.

You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

You have to walk around and pour wine.

Polly? Focus for one second, okay?

So, hey, I got to go circulate.

So, Sandy, you're good though? You're still acting?

I am. Yeah, it's going incredibly well.

I'm actually headlining a new revival of Jesus Christ Superstar.

POLLY: That's great!

It was really good seeing you guys. You, too.

See you! All right. Bye, Polly.

SANDY: Be good.

POLLY: More wine?

Polly Prince. It's funny, huh? Seeing her.

POLLY: Are you okay? GUEST: Great, thank you.

She looks good.

Let it rain!

Let it rain!

REUBEN: I did a lot of thinking last night... and there's something I'm excited about.

SANDY: What's up? Nice. Let it rain!

I feel like I might be ready to move on, get my life back on track.

So, I am going to ask Polly Prince on a date.

That's a mistake! She's not right for you, dude.

Rain dance!

PLAYER 1: You guys want to play some twos?

Actually, we're in the middle of a conversation.

Did you douche bags bring your "A" game?

What was that?

I'm just messing with you, Sasquatch.

Let's get it on.

Pick and roll! Take it rough! Outlet!

Rain dance!

REUBEN: Sandy, come on.

PLAYER 1: I got him.

White Chocolate!


Old school!

T. Time-out.

I'm burning. My lungs are burning.


So why do you think Polly's so wrong for me?


You don't even know this girl.

You haven't seen her since seventh grade.

How different could she be?

She was a senior delegate at the Model UN, she was in the chess club, a Mathlete.

Her yearbook stats are impressive.

Did you see the tattoo on her back?

Yeah. So what?

Mathletes don't wear body art like that. Enough said. Ball in!

I really feel like I ran into Polly for a reason. Really.

I'm sorry if you don't agree.

But I believe in a little thing called destiny.

PLAYER 1: You guys ready?

You know what? You think maybe you could put your shirt back on?

PLAYER 1: You guys ready to play?

Good shot.

Could I have the ball for a second?

You know what? Could we switch?

I'd rather not. I just found out how to cover this man right here.

PLAYER 1: Let's play.




Can I get the number for a Polly Prince, please? Prince with a "P."

Okay, great. Can I get the address as well?


POLLY: Hello.


REUBEN: Oh, shit!

REUBEN ON MACHINE: Hi. This is Reuben. No!

I'm unable to get to the phone right now but please leave a detailed message after the beep.

If you're calling for Lisa...


Gladys, I got to call you back.

This is so funny. I didn't know you lived down here.

Yeah, I do. Do you live around here, too?

No, I don't. I don't live down here.

Hey. Did you call me last night?

No. I don't think so.

Are you sure?

Because I got a hang-up so I did that star-69 thingy.

And I swore I got your answering machine.

Really? I heard that from a few people, so maybe the phone lines got crossed or something.

You doing some shopping? Oh, yeah.

Gosh, I spent like $200 on this loofah.

It's supposed to be specially made in Sweden or something.


Would you like to go to dinner sometime?

Oh, yeah. Okay. You know, I'm not sure.

Okay. Really?

Not that I wouldn't. I'd like to.

It would be great to catch up on stuff and all that.

I just got to check my schedule.

All right, how about I give you my card?

Here you go.

On the back I've written my home and my cell number.

There's also a fax number. Right on.

And a pager number, too.

"Reuben Feffer, Senior Risk Assessment Analysist."

Right. Analyst. Analyst.

POLLY: Right.

All right.

See you.

POLLY: See you. REUBEN: See you later.

Leland Van Lew's office. This is Deborah.

Reuben Feffer from Indursky & Sons calling for Mr. Van Lew.

DEBORAH: Right. The insurance man. He's in the hospital.

He got bit swimming with great whites.

Swimming with who? DEBORAH: Great white sharks.

But don't worry. It was only a flesh wound.


DEBORAH: He's due in Los Angeles next week.

Should I set something up for then? Could you hang on, please?

DEBORAH: No worries.

POLLY: Hi, Reuben. It's Polly Prince. Hey, Polly.

How's it going?

Good. I'm calling to say I'm free tomorrow night if you want to get together.

I'd love to get together. That would be great.

Should I pick a restaurant, or...

No. You know what?

I should probably check my schedule, see if I can even do it.

Okay. Did you say you were free?

No, I'm actually not sure. I'll talk to you later. Bye!

Okay, hello?

DIRECTOR: One, two, three, and...

CAST: (SINGING) What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening Why should you want to know?

Don't you mind about the future Don't you try to think ahead Save tomorrow for tomorrow

Think about today instead WONSUK: Sandy? SANDY: What?

I'm playing Jesus. That's my song.

I know it's your song, but I felt something and decided to go with it.

But you're playing Judas.

Judas. Look, here's the deal. I'm the star of the show, okay?

So if I decide to bust out a solo, give me the freedom to rock out.

From the top, Wonsuk.

So the play's going well? Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.

I just wish they wouldn't surround me with a bunch of amateurs.

Isn't that the point of community theatre?


REUBEN: So I'm going on a date with Polly. SANDY: All right! Where you taking her?

Some restaurant in the East Village. She left the address on my machine.

How could you let Polly pick the restaurant?

I had no choice.

She called me seven times to confirm and then cancel and then confirm again.

Why? What's wrong with letting her pick the place?

You've got irritable bowel syndrome, dude.

If she chose an ethnic restaurant, you'll be running to the bathroom every five seconds.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Thank you.

I doubt it will get this far but if she turns out to be easier than I thought... there's something you need to know.

I'm not a virgin, Sandy. Not technically but times have changed since you were last single.

Now listen... when I'm making out with a girl for the first time, I like to give her a little spanking.

What? Nothing violent.

Just tap her real light on the tush and say, "Hey, I'm your daddy."

Listen to me.

SANDY: What are you doing? REUBEN: I'm blotting the grease.

That's the best part. Don't be shy. It's just a little tap.

It's like saying, "Boop, I'm your daddy."

I'm not gonna tap her.

Brings them right back to childhood.

Trust me, they're putty in your hands after that.

I'm really excited about this.

I feel like this could be one of those... defining moments of my life, or something, you know?

I actually think it's not gonna work out, but I'm pulling for you.

Just pray to God she doesn't go ethnic.

The place didn't sound ethnic. What was the name?

Al Hafez.


So, when did you live in Morocco? In the late '90s.

I bounced around to a bunch of places over the past few years.

Like where? Oh, God, where?

Let's see, Austin, Istanbul, Sri Lanka, Portland, Costa Rica, Buffalo, a couple other places.

Wow. Were you in the Peace Corps? No, I just like to move a lot.

I get stir-crazy if I'm stuck in one place too long, you know?

Yeah, completely.

REUBEN: Remember, you were the person who...

POLLY: Oh, my God!

I can't believe you remember that.

Of course! You were the greatest delegate in Model UN history.

POLLY: I guess I did manage to pass a few resolutions.

Are you okay? Because you're sweating pretty profusely.

No, I'm fine. I always react this way to spicy food.

But I love it.

I can't believe you're not married.

Even when we were kids, I saw you as the guy who'd settle down at a young age.

You were always kind of like an old young guy.

Well, it just hasn't happened.


But what about you? You ever gotten close?

To the whole marriage thing? Oh, God, no. No way, no. No.

I'm not really big on the whole long-term commitment thing.

Why, are you coming out of a bad relationship?

No. I'm coming out of eight bad relationships.


You sure I can't get you a towel? No, I'm good.

But if the right person came along, things might be different, right?

Yeah. You're probably right.



You mind if I go to the men's room? Please, sure.

POLLY: Oh, gosh!

MAN: Occupied. I'm going to be here all night, dude.

All right, well, this is me. Great.

Why don't you come upstairs and I'll make you some coffee or tea.

REUBEN: Great.

I just got to find my keys here.

Oh, shoot.


POLLY: Right there, I hear them.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Wow! This is great, so cozy. Thanks.

Wow! This is great, so cozy. Thanks.

Did you just move in? No, I've been here four months.

Rat! Rat in the house!

Oh, no. This is Rodolfo. He's a ferret.

I got him in Sicily at a flea market years ago.

He's old. He can't really see anymore.

Cute. You mind if I use your bathroom?

POLLY: Sure.

That's not the bathroom. My bathroom's right here.

Okay. Yeah, because I just... had a lot to drink, a lot of water. I'll just be a second.

Okay, take your time.


I don't believe this.


Go away.





Oh, no.


God, I beg you, please, if you make this water go down, I'll sit at your feet and serve you for all of eternity.

I'll adopt a Somalian kid or I'll work in Calcutta or I'll just... Please, make the water go down.

Oh, my God!

POLLY: This was fun. REUBEN: Yes.

If I'd known your grandmother embroidered that towel, I would've never... Really, that's okay.

Okay, well, good night, Polly. Good night, Reuben.

Good night. Okay.

REUBEN: All right, okay. All right, that's nice.

SANDY: Why would you make number two in her apartment?

She asked me to come upstairs. What should I have done?

Tell her you're tired and shag ass out of there.


What was that? REUBEN: I called her to apologize.

It doesn't matter, because I doubt she'll ever want to see me again.

I got to call you back. SANDY: Cool.

REUBEN: Mr. Van Lew?

Feffer? Yes. Hi, Reuben Feffer.

I recognized you from the Forbes cover.

You're way early, sport. Come on, then. Get in.

REUBEN: Is this the service elevator? Yeah.

I don't think we'll have a problem with this insurance business.

Sure, I take chances, but you can't build a successful business without the occasional risk. Of course.

What I'm trying to determine are the kinds of risks you actually take.

Only the calculated ones.

Trust me, I plan on being around for ages.

I know we'd really love to give you a policy if we can make it work.

We'll make it work, sport. Great.

So, what are we doing on the roof? I'm doing a bit of a BASE jump.

Here, keep the walkie on channel 13, all right?

I don't know what you're talking about.

LELAND: A free-fall from an inanimate object.

Always carry me chute in case I find a good launching point.


Look, just don't do anything, all right?

(ON PHONE) Hey, Reuben, it's Polly Prince. Polly, how's it going?

I'll shout when I'm through, okay? No, that's not all right.

Can I call you back?

POLLY: I just wanted to tell you I got your message.

Let's just start over and forget about the loofah thing.

Holy shit! No!


Holy shit!

POLLY: I didn't even like that loofah.

Relax. Leland's meeting with the insurance guy right now.

LELAND: Whoa! Yeah!

LELAND: Oh, crap!

Oh, shit! POLLY: I'll call you in the next few days.

LELAND ON RADIO: Leland to Feffer. You there, mate?

Yes, Feffer to Leland, hello?

LELAND ON RADIO: Come on down and give us a hand.

I think I fractured me coccyx.



POLLY: Look at that. You got me a new loofah.

It's from Finland and the salesman said it has a very ergonomic design.

Oh, Reuben, that's really... Thank you, that's really sweet.

Oh, my God!

I don't believe this!

What are you doing here?

We're having an early supper.

I wanted your father to try new cuisines.

It's only 3:00.

It's a crime to beat the dinner crowds?

Who is this young woman... REUBEN: This is Polly Prince.

Polly, these are my parents, Irving and Vivian Feffer.

It's so good meeting you. How are you?

I can't believe you're eating Indian. You hate spicy food.

REUBEN: No, I don't.

Well, I'm going to... Psst! I'm going to ask...

I'm going to ask this nice Native American man to get us a bigger table.

They're Indian. You can call them Indian. It's okay.

Hi. Need big table, please. Four people. Many thanks.


VIVIAN: Now, how do you kids know each other?

We went to middle school together. We were both in the Model UN.

You still work in government, honey?

No. I'm a waitress.

She's also writing a children's book.

Oh, very nice.

You'll never guess who I ran into yesterday.

Who's that? VIVIAN: Lisa's mother.

REUBEN: Mmm-hmm. That's good.

Dad, did you try this... What's this called?

Saag. Saag. Did you try this?

Apparently, Lisa's doing wonderfully down there in St. Barts... selling villas, happy.

That's good for her.

Now, who's Lisa? Not important.

Lisa is Reuben's wife.

She left him for another man on their honeymoon.

Are we ready for the check? I think we'll take the check.


Well, your dad seems really nice. Yes, a man of few words.

I just want you to know, I was going to tell you about Lisa. I just...

I was embarrassed and I...

I guess because I hadn't seen you for so long...

It's so okay. I understand.

I was an idiot. I should've told you the truth from the start.

Really, I'm not upset.

But when did this happen? Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago?

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Well, it was a pretty big shock.

I walked in on her, on Lisa with... a scuba instructor on the first day of our honeymoon.

They were still wearing their flippers. Anyway...

POLLY: I mean...

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hey, Reuben, it's Polly Prince.

I don't know if you have any plans tonight but if not, you should swing by 37 Gansevort Street around 9:00... if you can make it. You know, it's no big deal.

But it could be fun, so, you know, think about it.

Okay, so...

I'll see you later.

Or not. I mean, either way.

Oh, if you do come, you should wear comfortable shoes.

That is, if you come, which you totally don't have to.

I mean, I might not even be there.

I am so glad that you came.

I wore comfortable shoes like you said.

So, what are we doing?

Oh, crap.


POLLY: This place is a total secret.

It's the best underground salsa club in New York.

I'm not really a big dancer. It's easier than it looks.

There you go. Feel it in your legs. REUBEN: All right.


It's okay. Just step on my feet a little less than that.


Looking good, Pollyanna. Hey, Javi.

Oh, you should stop that. This is my friend Reuben.

This is Javi.

Mind if I dance with the beautiful lady?

I guess not. Thanks, man.


I think I might take off. Really?

Are you having a bad time?

No, I'm just not into this whole dirty? Dancing thing.

What do you mean, "dirty? Dancing"?

I saw that movie. I know that's what you and that Spaniard were doing.

Whoa! Wait a minute. First of all, he's Cuban.

And that wasn't dirty? Dancing, that was just salsa.

Okay, I'm just really, truthfully not the kind of guy that's ever gonna be into these kind of clubs...

Okay, Reuben, then... tell me, what kind of guy are you?

What kind of guy am I? What do you mean?

Up until now, you haven't exactly been the portrait of honesty.

So just come clean, okay? Just tell me who you are.

I hate spicy food. I knew it!

I don't like it at all. I have a mild case of IBS and...

What's that? Irritable bowel syndrome.

What? Irritable bowel syndrome.

Oh, God. That's terrible. What else?

The thing is, I assess risk for a living.

So I know I have a 0.013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home, or a 1 in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. Really?

I manage that risk by avoiding danger, having a plan and knowing my next move.

And I guess you don't live your life that way...

No, I do it a little differently.

Which is great, but I'm not gonna ever be a dirty? Dancer and I don't eat food with my hands and I really like you but I just don't think this is gonna work out.

POLLY: I just have to go pee. REUBEN: Okay.



POLLY: Just kidding!

Oh! Funny.



Did you just spank me?

No! I don't...

Are you sure? Because it felt like you just swatted me.

No, I have a little crick in my wrist.

You felt that, I was just... Do you hear that?

Really? Yeah, you hear that?

Well, I got it out.


REUBEN: Oh, wow. This is incredible.

Oh, man.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no! No, you can't be done yet.

Come on, Reuben, focus.

You have to last at least five minutes here.

Four minutes, twenty-seven, twenty-six, twenty-five.

Two minutes, twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen.

Come on, you can do it. 55, 54, 53, 52, 51, oh, God!


(LAUGHING) Fifty? Yeah!


SANDY: Let it rain!

I think I might end up marrying this woman.

SANDY: Really? After one night?

Did you spank her?

Yeah, I tried, but I don't think she liked it.

Yeah, some women find it offensive.


POLLY: I did not sleep with him out of charity.

You weren't interested till you found out his wife boned a guy on their honeymoon.

That's not it. He is a kind, decent, solid guy.

I've never been with anybody like that.

Still sounds like a charity boning.

Do you have to use the word "bone" every time?

I use it when it's appropriate.

Ever heard of a guy shouting out "fifty" when he orgasmed?

Okay, so throw pillows go in this cabinet here.

You don't sleep on these?

No, they're decorative.

For who? What do you mean?

You're the only one who sees them, but you don't sleep on them.

You take them off the bed, put them in a box, take them out, put them... I just don't understand the point.

I don't know. Lisa thought they looked nice.

Oh, I see.

I don't see what the big deal is. They make the bed look nice.

What are you doing? That's goose down.

I'm liberating you.

Try it. No, I'm not going to...

Just one stab. Come on, see how you feel.

This is ridiculous. It's not ridiculous.

It's not like driving a knife into a pillow is suddenly going to make me feel...

Wow. That feels really good.

POLLY: Right?

What did I tell you? You're right.

Come on, bigger one!

REUBEN: What's the point of these things? No point.

POLLY: Stupid.

Am I running a bed-and-breakfast? Not anymore.

Know how many minutes I spend getting them on and off? How many?

Four in the morning, four at night. Eight minutes.

Fifty-six minutes a week, two days a year, spent putting pillows on and off a stupid bed!


Wait, you hit mattress.


You know what? I really got to go. I'm late. Shoot!

REUBEN: What's wrong? Lose your keys again?

No, they're just not where I left them before.

Why don't you use that key-finder I bought you?

I don't... I think it could help.

...need the stupid key-finder!

All right. Anyway, I was thinking I'd come meet you.

Really? I thought you hated dirty? Dancing clubs.


It's just salsa. It will be fun. I'll watch.

What's that noise? Nothing.

It's the key-finder, isn't it? It's so not the key-finder.

Yes, it is! It's not. I'll see you later. Bye.




Reuby Tuesday, ¿cómo estás? Doing all right.

You know what? Actually, me no estás too good, Javier.

I want you to stay away from Polly. Find yourself another dance partner.


Because she and I are a couple. Yeah, we're dating.

And I'm not going to let some big-shot salsa king sweep in, with your mambo moves and your Erik Estrada look and take her away. That's happened before, and it won't again...

Reuben, I am gay. I don't care what you... What?

I'm homosexual.

My boyfriend, Hector, plays the keyboards in the house band.


You think maybe you could give me some salsa lessons?



You hated it. No, I don't. It's just...

It's very graphic for a children's book.

You know? Like this one...

"The boy with a nub for an arm." That one has a moral.

To teach kids to be careful when they're playing with fireworks.

Right, and I think it's brilliant, by the way, seriously.

I mean, you really convey... the pain and the fear, and I love the little doggy, too.

But, and I don't mean this in a bad way...


...just what were you thinking?


I put all the risks and rewards into the program, which helps me finalize my recommendations...

"Leland Van Lew. BASE jumping."

That's supposed to be so much fun! That should be on the rewards side.

It's one of the most dangerous activities a human being can do.

Really? Yeah.

Have you done it?

Have I parachuted off the top of a building?


So how do you know what it's like?

I don't.


Would you like some more bulgogi?

Sure, thanks. I actually like this.

POLLY: You do? It's good.


LELAND: Now you look like a pro racquetballer.

How's that shirt fit? It's fine.

I thought maybe we could just sit and talk.

I'm not a big racquetball player...

No worries. We'll have a few giggles.


I've been running the numbers.

And I got to say, things don't look good from our end.

LELAND: Bollocks! REUBEN: Jesus!

Please, Leland, I mean, it's not just the BASE jumping.

It's the heli-skiing, volcano-luging, shark-diving.

Bottom line is, unless you drastically alter your lifestyle, we won't be able to insure you. Reuben, I came to you for a reason.

I was told you had more imagination than other blokes in the big firms.

That you analyze the man and not just the numbers.

I guess I was wrong.

Are you trying to manipulate me?

Of course I am. But I want to hold on to me company.

I'll tell you what.

I'll be in Nantucket at the end of the month.

Come up and be my guest aboard The 'Roo Shooter.

Aboard the what? My sailboat.

I'll take you for a sail, give you a chance to know me.

By the end of the weekend, you'll know what a safe bet I am.

You know what? You're bleeding pretty bad.

I think I've swallowed a tooth.

No. Got it.

Your serve.

REUBEN: So I tell Leland we can't insure him.

He responds by inviting me to Nantucket for some Death Race Sailing Challenge.

Really? We got to go do that. I've never been to Nantucket.

You want to come? Is that rude, to invite myself?

Lt'd be great! Good, you'll actually commit to something in advance.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay, yeah, I am. I think that would be really fun.

What? What are you doing?

I'm going to have some nuts.

No. You don't eat mixed nuts at a bar. Everybody knows that.

What are you talking about?

Okay, let's say, conservatively...

17 people eat these nuts on a given night. Okay?

If they've been here for two weeks, we're talking about...

238 people who've dipped their dirty? Hands into that bowl.

Dirty? Why are their hands dirty??

Only one out of six people wash hands when they go to the bathroom.

When you think you're innocently eating a bar snack, you're ingesting potentially deadly bacteria from 39 soil-handed strangers.

People wonder why they get E. Coli poisoning or salmonella or hepatitis.

They should look at the snack bowl at their local watering hole.

I'm not being neurotic. It's a hot zone in there.

How could you have eaten those?

I made such a compelling argument.

I like to live life on the edge.

POLLY: Thank you. REUBEN: Yeah, you never know.

You don't have to do this.

I don't care that you don't know how to dance!

I thought I'd give it one last try. Hey, Javi.

Hey, Reuben. You ready?


POLLY: What's happening?

IFuerte! POLLY: What?

What are you doing?




I don't know where that came from!

POLLY: It was just awesome.

Holy shit.

What are you doing here?

I'm back.

Who's this?

Who's this? This is my girlfriend. What?

You have a girlfriend? I'm not your girlfriend.

I mean, we're just, kind of... Hi, I'm Polly.

Lisa. POLLY: Right.

You guys probably have a lot to talk about, so I'll just go.

REUBEN: I don't want you to go. Please, I want to go. Bye, Lisa.

Nice to meet you. REUBEN: I don't want you to go.

You got to talk about it.

I'm just going to go.

REUBEN: I don't understand.

I thought you were really happy with Claude.

I was, for a few weeks, but all he talked about was scuba diving.

Really? I missed you, Reuben.

I missed you, too, but come on! What was I supposed to do?

I moved on. I'm in a relationship.

What, with that Polly person? Yeah.

She doesn't call herself your girlfriend.

That's... No, she just doesn't like the phrasing.

LISA: Okay, then, let me just ask you this.

Are you really going to spend the rest of your life with her?

I don't know, Lisa.

Because I'm ready to do that with you.

I made a mistake, and I took you for granted.

But I promise you that I will never, ever hurt you again.

I love you, Reuben.

REUBEN: You know what?

I think you should go stay with your parents. Okay?

I've to leave in a week. LISA: What? Where are you going?

I'm going into the house I bought for us. Remember?

Let's do it together. Let's go move into our house.

We don't just... No. We can't just go... I can't...

I don't even know what to say right now, okay? So...


POLLY: If you want to get back together with her...

No, I wouldn't be seeing you if I was planning...

It's cool. You guys are married. She came back.

How's it coming with Herb Lazare, D.D. S?

I haven't even gotten to it. I'm still working on Van Lew.

I thought you decided on Van Lew two weeks ago.

We present to AFLAC on Wednesday.

Can you hang on? Hang on. POLLY: I have to go.

Better not be bonus-hunting on me. REUBEN: Bonus-hunting?

That man's career's on the line. I owe him a thorough analysis.

All right.

I'm going to Barbados with my mistress for the weekend.

I want this Van Lew thing settled by the time I get back.

I am on it, and I'll make it happen.

Good things.



LARRY: Hey, pal. Hey, Larry.

Lisa dropped this off for you.




REUBEN: I met Lisa Kramer, who showed me an apartment, which I rented... just so she'd go out with me. LISA: I gave him a good price.

REUBEN: Not good enough. She's a killer.



I just can't believe she came back.

Can we just focus for a second? I'm almost finished.

What's next? Polly's career prospects.

Risky. She's writing a children's book where kids get maimed.

Her lack of career is a positive. She'd have more time for the kids.

SANDY: You're skewing the numbers in her favor. Why are we doing this?

Because I'm confused.

My goddamn wife shows up on my doorstep wanting to get back together.

Polly's freaking out.

I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision.

SANDY: I don't see how putting these two girls in the Riskmaster will help you make up your mind.

REUBEN: Interesting. SANDY: What's it say?


Polly? Yeah.

No way. Just cut your losses and get back with Lisa.

I checked it three times. It says she's the safer choice.


By the way, is your health okay? You're looking thin.

Polly's been making me eat ethnic food, so I've been throwing up a lot lately.


Polly Prince.

Polly Feffer.

Polly Prince-Feffer.

You can't cancel. You were so excited to go.

I know, but...

HOSTESS: We fell in love with these funny Bolivian mud huts.

Hold on. So we had our designer use a similar color palette in here.

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm on the phone. Would you just please keep it...


Also, I feel weird going away for the weekend when your wife just came back. You're making this such a big deal.

REUBEN: I told you, I'm not getting back together with her.

So are you coming? I'm coming.

All right. Okay?



LELAND: You're good. You're a natural. POLLY: This is amazing!

Hey, Leland, are those storm clouds up ahead?

No, we might get a light dusting. Nothing to write home about.

Are you sure you're all right?

REUBEN: I'm okay. I don't think I have my sea legs yet.

I'll be out in a sec. POLLY: All right.

Oh, God.


I know we haven't been seeing each other long, but I feel like... it's time we take things to the next level and I'd like you to consider moving in with me.

Why don't we just move in together?

Oh, yeah, we're going to have ourselves a tussle.


Rodolfo's in your toiletry kit. Did you know that?

Did you pack him, or did you...

What is this?

Why am I in your computer on your Riskmaster thingy?

Okay, you know what? I can explain this.

It's fascinating, actually. I learned a lot about myself.

I've learned that I have no career, I'm flaky, I like ethnic food.

Would you let me explain?

Lisa came back, and I've been trying to figure things out.

What are you figuring out? Just about us, and our future.

Future? What are you talking about? What future?

Reuben, come on. This is a fling, you know?

What, did you think we'd get married?

REUBEN: Whoa! Maybe.

I was gonna ask you to move in with me first.

You expect me to move to the suburbs with you? Are you insane?

Why is that so crazy? People do that all the time.

They have kids, they make plans, they get married, they buy houses.

That's you, Reuben. You do that.

That's what you do. I don't live my life that way.

Is your lack of a plan that different than my plan?

I don't have a plan. You're on the non-plan plan.

I am not on a non-plan plan. You are, too.

I've never met anybody more afraid of commitment.

You were a senior delegate at the Model UN, Polly.

What the hell happened to you?


Come on, you mother! You can do better than that!

I've been living my life, okay?

I've been in good relationships and in shitty ones.

And I've moved a lot and I've been happy and sad and lonely and that's what I've been doing.

Which is more than I can say for some freak who thinks he'll get Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts.

Those nuts have pee on them! It's common sense.

Trust me, that is so far beyond common sense.

REUBEN: You don't understand what I grew up with.

My mother made me afraid of everything.

Big deal, Reuben. My dad had a whole second family.

What? Yeah, on Long Island.

A wife and kids and a golden retriever.

A second family?

Whatever. Hey, you know what?

I'm glad I saw that. I am.

Because I'm going to make this really easy for you, Reuben.

I have no interest... in getting married and moving to the suburbs.

And obviously that's really important to you.

So here's what I think your new plan should be.

You should get back together with Lisa, move into your house and move on with your life.

And I think you guys will be really happy together.

Oh, dear Lord.


REUBEN: You're not making my job any easier, Leland.

Come on, Reub. Weather report said sunny skies.


(ON RECORDING) Hey, it's Polly Prince.

Leave me a message, or call back, or not.

You know, whatever. Okay, bye.

Hey, Polly, it's me. Listen...

I'd like to talk to you, because I feel bad about what happened.

Give me a call on my cell phone.



Hello? LISA: Hi. It's Lisa.

LISA: So, how's the house?

The house is great.

It's big, but, you know, great.

I can't wait to see it. Did you get the gift I sent you?

Yeah, I did. Thanks.

I really want to see you.

I don't know, Lisa.

Let me think about it.

M. C: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

The premiere ofJesus Christ Superstar is about to begin.

Hey, Reuby Tuesday!

¿Cómo estás? What are you doing here?

What else? Hector's playing keyboards in the band.

I didn't figure you a fan of musical theatre.

My friend Sandy Lyle is in the show.

Have you talked to Polly?

She was upset, bro. It must've been some kind of fight.

Yeah, I keep calling her and she won't pick up the phone.

I don't know, I was thinking about maybe dropping by tomorrow.

It's a bit too late, papi. She's leaving town in two hours.


Why? Where is she going?

I don't know. She said goodbye. That's it.

Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. No, yeah. Hi.

Hey, Javi, this is Lisa, my wife.

Her mother told me she was back. You're doing the right thing here.

Relax. I'm not promising anything. It's very exciting.



STAN: Reuben, Stan. Change of plan.

The meeting with Van Lew's board and AFLAC has moved to 4:00.

4:00? I don't know if I can do that.

STAN: What's wrong with you? Get your ass over here!

SANDY: Good evening, folks. I'm Sandy Lyle and I've got a very special announcement.

Please note that in tonight's performance, in addition to playing Judas, I'll be playing Jesus as well.

Thank you and enjoy the show.

DIRECTOR: Sandy, what are you doing? Wonsuk is playing Jesus.

SANDY: It's cool. I'll play dual roles. Give me the crown, Wonsuk.

WONSUK: Screwyou, Sandy, you're a has-been.

No one even cares you were in that stupid movie.

Oh, no. WONSUK: Oh, shit!


WONSUK: Judas is biting me!

What happened in there?

I'm a professional and I won't put my reputation on the line for a group of freaking amateurs.

IRVING: It's always the same story with you, pal.

You did this one movie a hundred years ago.

From then on, you thought you were better than everybody else.

Why don't you let go, move on with your life?

It's not about what happened in the past or what you think might happen in the future.

It's about the ride, for Christ's sake.

There's no point in going through all this crap if you don't enjoy the ride.

And you know what?

When you least expect it, something great might come along.

Something better than you even planned for.

You were funny as hell playing those bagpipes, though.

Did I ever tell you that?

I don't think I've ever heard you speak before, Mr. Feffer.

So, Reuby, are we going to grab a bite after your work thingamajigy?

No, Lisa...

I shouldn't have asked you to come down here.

I'm not getting back together with you.

What are you talking about?

Why? REUBEN: "Why?"

You screwed a scuba-diving instructor on our honeymoon.

What kind of cold, heartless bitch would do that to someone they love?

I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that.

And by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows.

Yeah, because throw pillows suck. They serve no purpose.

They're purely decorative.

SANDY: Dude, that was incredible!

You told me I should get back together with her.

Whatever you do, don't ever take my advice again.

Your dad totally put it in perspective for me.

I was barely famous back then, and I'll never be famous again.

What about your E! True Hollywood Story?

The E! Channel doesn't even know we're making this show.

What do you mean?

I hired Dustin and Vic myself.

I was going to try and sell it to the network when I'm done.

You're doing an E! True Hollywood Story on yourself?

Sandy, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I know. I'm such a loser.

I need you to do something for me that's really important so promise me, this one time you won't screw it up.

Reuben, I'm your wingman.

Whatever it is, I will not let you down.

You're Reuben's proxy? What the hell does that mean?

He's dealing with a personal situation, so he asked me to fill in. Relax, I'm a professional actor.

They will never know the difference.

I can't freaking believe this. Quiet. I'm trying to prepare.

I'm going to vomit.

I am so sorry for the delay, folks... but one of our senior analysts, Reuben Feffer, had his spleen burst just a few moments ago and...

That's not good. Will he be okay? STAN: God willing.

Be that as it may, we have Mr. Feffer's associate here...

Mr. Sanford Lyle, who's been briefed on the case and will present Reuben's recommendations.

Thank you, Stanley.


I just need a little water.

As you know, this is a highly complex case.

Let me see here.

On the plus side, Leland's blood pressure is pretty solid.

And he's at a decent weight.

And he looks pretty damn healthy, right?

I mean, he's a sexy guy.


And he is sexually active in the community.



JFK, please.



Let's not bullcrap each other.

On paper, Van Lew is one of the riskiest sons of bitches alive.

But, people, we cannot sum up a man's life with a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.

We all need to look into our hearts and go, "Do I think this dude is going to die in a few years or not?"

Is Leland here going to fight off a man with the last name Reaper... first name... Who goes by the last name Reaper... first name Grim?

Or will this BASE-jumping...

crocodile-wrestling... shark-diving... volcano-luging... bear-fighting, snake-wrangling... motocross-racing bastard die?

And the answer... is no, friends.

Which is why myself...

Reuben Feffer, Stan... and all of us here at Indurby & Friends, are willing to lay our asses on the line and proudly recommend that Leland Van Lew receive $50 million, in life and health and automobile insurance, for a duration of no less than 20 years.

What do you think, guys?

Are you that kid from Crocodile Tears?

You're goddamn right I am. I thought so.

Impressive presentation. He's insured.

Congratulations. Bloody ripper!

Love you, son!


POLLY: Rodolfo, wait!

I'm so sorry!

Reuben, it's too late. I have to be on a plane in 45 minutes.

I don't think you really want to leave here.

You have no idea what I want.

You left Rodolfo behind. Does that mean anything?


I made a mistake. I should've never put you in the Riskmaster.

Truth is, no matter what happened on our honeymoon, you're much riskier than Lisa. Yes! Right!

That's why it won't work out between us.

Reuben, you're a nice, safe, conventional guy.

It's not going to work out.

I don't think that's who I really am.

It is. That's okay.

What do I have to do to prove it to you?

POLLY: What are you... Oh, my God.

Hey, look! Look, I'm eating nuts.

What are you doing? Those nuts aren't even dirty?


Since we've been together, I've felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarrassed and just physically sick than in my entire life.

But I couldn't have gone through all that...

I couldn't have thrown up 19 times in 48 days... if I wasn't in love with you.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this is just a fling.

But if you get on that plane and go to Cincinnati or Tanzania or wherever, we'll never know if it could've been more.

POLLY: Oh, no.

Please don't eat those.

POLLY: No, really.

I don't want you to go away.

I'm not going to marry you. I don't want to get married.

I just want to take you to dinner.

Sometime this week.

Can I pick the place?


CLAUDE: Solid!

Excuse me. Hi. Hello.

I see you two are new to the island. I want to come have a meet...

Oh, my stars and stripe, Reuben!

Oh, my God, I cannot believe it is you.

This is Polly. Hi, Polly. I am Claude.

Wow, hi.

So, how's it going?

In truth, it has been a little bit tough noogies for me.

Lisa, she broke my heart.

I'm sorry to hear that. That is life.

Well, you have to be like the hippo.

Exactly. Like the hippo.

So, let me guess. You are here on honeymoon again?

This is your beautiful bride? No, we're just hanging out.

It's more serious than that. I'm just saying we're not married.

Right. Definitely not married. But it's possible.

It is possible.

We're taking things step by step, seeing how they work out.

I don't really understand what you're talking about... but any chance you're for scuba today?

You know what, actually we are for scuba.

No way, José! Yes way, José!

But, we're going out with that guy.

REUBEN: We'll be out there in a minute!

You know what? As long as you're for scuba, I am happy.

Oh, that's sweet.

So, au revoir, my good friend.

Thank you for everything, Claude.

It's good to see you again. Good-bye, Polly.

POLLY: Nice to meet you, Claude. CLAUDE: You, as well.

So you're ready? Let's do it!