Alpha House (2014) Script

Dude, I can't believe that this is actually happening Zach.

I know I know I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up from a dream.

You want me to pinch you? Yes.


You said pinch! I'm sorry. Do me.

Shit! This is actually happening.

You're right. We need to chill out.

We can't look like dorks on our first day out.



Oh my god.

Yeah Dickface!

It's beautiful man.

It's just beautiful.

Good evening gentlemen.

It's daytime.

Mr. President.

So it is.

You boys are ready to be inducted.

Yes Mr. President.

See, as new Alpha's these boys have to call me Mr. President or else they get punched in the dick.

Boys, this is Charity. This is Faith.

Girls this is Zach and uh...

What is it? Christian? Cameron.

Boys, welcome to 24-hour party machine man!

Someone get these boys a beer and a hand job.

You alright man? I'm just so happy.

I love this place.

Alright girls put your shirts back on, we're going downstairs for the Induction ceremony.

Not you. You're meet me in my room.

Yes Mr. President.

See fellas, that right there... never gets old.

Alright fellas quit fucking around we got some cherries to pop and some serious partying to do!

Oh shit, did you hear what he just said.

Oh my god.

We're not even at the serious partying yet.

It's even better then I imagined.

The average male graduate makes $125,000 per year, meanwhile the average female graduate make $41,500 per year.

This is bullshit. Yes! It is bullshit Misty.

And why would these women put up with such inequitable excusable desperaties, somehow the women or sterling college get it in their heads that being married to one of these successful men is just as good as being successful themselves.

Which is a bunch of hoowie!


Is the Astronaut single?


That's not the point.

The point is that we work so hard to get into this college.

We're just not here for the parties, the sex, and to land some rich husband. Right?

Then what are you here Ms. Kramer?

It is Ms. Kramer isn't it?

Kelly Kramer? Associate Dean Marshall.

Yes, I know who I am.


This is Delta Pi Sorority.

I heard you were meeting.

Even though you don't have a house.

I say it shows resolved.

I say it shows resolve.

It's pathetic!

And not only that, it's unfair.

Especially when you consider how many houses of fraternities have, am I right ladies?

Yeah. Defiantly.

Sterling college has always offered more opportunities to it's male students.

You really think that you and your quote unquote sorority can over turn 50 years of history?

Yes! I do!

I was hoping you'd say that.


Today you enter an elite brotherhood established by our founders in 1963.

Just as Sterling College is know as the cradle of awesome, Alpha house is known as a place where awesome goes to get it's freak on.

Now, are you ready to uphold the tradition of this fraternity?

If yes, let me hear you say yeah.

Yeah! Good.

Do you swear to never speak ill of her.

Let me hear you say "Yeah". Yeah!

To never let her hallow halls fall silent.

To never let her kegs run empty.

And to never ever let the party die.

Fuck yeah!

Now, suck the guys dick on your immediate left.


Really? No, I was just messing with you.

I just wanted to see if you'd really do it.

I have nobody to my left.


Welcome to Alpha House.

Hey! Who turned off the lights? What the fuck?

I'm sorry Mr. Kroger.

Am I interrupting something?

Of course not.

It's always an honor to be visited by our associate Dean.

I see you're inducting a fresh batch of perverts, drunks, and future fellons.

How fratuitous that I found you in a very excepting frame of mind.

You thinking about pledging?

It's very flattering but unfortunately we're about the capacity for the year.

Though the peace offering with the strippers was not a bad move.

I see they went for the naughty bookworm look.

What you couldn't throw in one sexy cop?

You see? This is why I'm here.

For too long Alpha House has been the a bastian for sex, drugs...

Stop! Stop! Stop it! It's not a good thing!

It's everything that's wrong with Sterling College!

But we are going to transform it into a shining example of everything that Sterling College has to offer.

Opportunity. Diversity.

Equality. Can you get to the point?

I'm sobering up over here.


Meet your new brothers. Hello boys.

As of tonight, I am making Alpha House officially... CoEd.

No you can't. I can and I did.

Dean Bungalon would never approve of this.

No. I doubt Dean Bungalon would give approval to such a dramatic change to his old fraternity.

But luckly fraternity matters, fall under the preview of the Associate Dean.

Which is me.

This is bullshit!

What's your name potty mouth? Cameron.

Is there something on your feeble mind Cameron?

You can't just change a frat like this. This isn't fair!

And having a Sorority without a house is?

Excellent return Renee!

He means not fair to the girls.

It's still a frat.

You can bring a whole bunch of girls in here but they're gonna have to live with a whole bunch of guys.

You think it's fair to make girls live in that kind of environment?

Excellent point Cameron's friend.


Don't care. With Alpha House being CoEd, It is now written by state and federal laws, which forbid anyone from making a member of the opposite sex feel harassed, disentranced, or other wise uncomfortable.

It means you horn dogs will dial down the debauchery.


How significantly?

This place is going to make the Mormon tabernacle look like Mardi Gras.

Everybody will be on their best behavior.

Or else, you're out.

Out of Alpha House?

Out of Alpha House. Out of Sterling College.

Poop out of luck!


Why don't know go make yourselves at home.


Can someone please buy some air freshener?

This is a disaster.

I'm outta here.

Where you going? Sorry dudes.

I was only in this stupid frat only for the booze and the cooze.

What about brotherhood?

What about never letting the party die?

Dude, look around.

The party is dead.

I should be in elbows deep in Co-Ed trim right now.

Instead of watching these Delta Pi lesbos turn our front door into a chastity belt.

Adios losers.

Enjoy your castration.

Come on! Seriously guys!

Wait what?

Bye, bye.


Looks like you're the defecto president potty mouth.


Alright, listen up. This is how it's going to work.

You two are gonna divide up the house equally.

I'm putting this on both your shoulders.

Got it? Got it.


So this is how it's gonna work.

You guys are gonna get the rooms in the back, and we get the rooms in the front.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You are talking to the acting Alpha House president here.

Okay? If anybody decides who gets what rooms is me.

Okay, so what do you suggest?

Girls in the front, guys in the back.

And you can share your room with me.

I'll pass. How many bathrooms are in this hell hole?

2 upstairs. 1 down here.

We each get one upstairs, the one downstairs is for guests, and the living room and the kitchen are common areas.

Does that work for you? Yes.

Make it so.


Who is that?

I am not sure but I think she wants to fuck me!

That's not gonna happen.

Oh yeah we'll see about that sweetie.

Oh. Melanie?


Oh my god.

What are you doing here?

I just transferred. I was over at state last semester.

Well hello there, smelanie.

Cameron. Wow.

Didn't miss that!

Melanie. Upstairs now.

We're having a meeting. Okay.

Well, I guess I will be seeing you around the house then?

Yeah, I guess so.

This place is repulsive.

Is that a used condom?

Ladies please!

I know these are not the best of arrangements.

And no matter what those cavemen downstairs think, This place is as much our as it is theirs.

The road is gonna be rough.

It's gonna be dirty.

And occasionally will have a used condom in it.

But we can do this.

Sisters on 3.

1, 2, 3... This is bullshit! Alright.

We can't have chicks living here.

I totally agree.

Yo that brunette, I'd love to have her Canadian swirl, on a ford bronco on 4 flat tires.

Dude, what?

Makes zero sense dude. Look, guys this is our house!

Those girls are invaders in our territory.

Cameron and I wanted to be Alpha's for as long as I can remember, and I am not throwing that dream that the shitter because of some chicks. Me too dude but, my dream did not include a pussy embargo.

You guys are missing the bigger picture here.

Did you see the talent that just walked into this house?

At this moment the rooms above our heads are being stocked with some pretty decent inventory.

This house is basically a cosco full of vag, right?

And if we play our cards right, we might be getting some free samples!

Besides, how bad could it be living with girls?

What's going on? They're... cleaning.

Nice work ladies!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Just because you're comfortable living like pigs doesn't mean we have to be.

Pink! What the hell?

What's going on? They're painted this room.


They're painting this room... Pink!

I fucking hate pink.

I could get use to the view though.

Though I definiely give them both cherry twisters.

Enjoying the view?

Yeah. What did you say?

We were just... Right.

You know these paint fumes are making me kinda dizzy.

Oh! Yeah me too.

You wanna...

Get outta here?

Definitely Okay.


Thank you.

Where you going? Where you going?

Where you going?


I'm going to kill you. Feisty! I like that!

I like that! Help me.

What happened?

I caught jersey shore here staring at me through my bedroom door!

Whoa! Kiss my taint, alright?

I am way cooler then those Jersey Shore douchebags!

I'm taking this to Marshall!

Whoa! Okay! Pause right there alright.

Nobody has to take anything to Dean Marshall.

How about, You promise to stay in your part if the house and we'll promise to stay in ours.

But... but we get the basement, okay?

You guys got to go all Martha Stewart on the rest of the house.

We get one place that's just ours just like we like it.


If I catch you looking at me again, I'm turning your balls into a keychain.

Is that a promise?

I love her.


They're taking this place over.

Then what the fuck are we doing about it?!

Cause I am one ass hair away from leaving.

We do what we do best.

And that would be? We be guys.

We do everything we can to run the Deltas out of this place.

And back to the lecture hall from where they came.

Then we take Alpha house back for ourselves.

What about Marshall's big plan?

What's he gonna do about it if they leave voluntary?

What about the bitchy one?

Leave her to me.

You boy ready for this?

Oh yeah. Good.

We start at sun up.

Wake up! Wake up!

No shirt. Let's go! Get out! No shirt! Nope!

Listen up recruits!

As acting president of Alpha House it's my resposibility, Strike that.

My pleasure to ensure that you have the proper induction in this most honorable institution.

Being an Alpha is a goddamn privilege.

A god damn privillage!

And like any privilege it's earned through hard work.

Is that right gentlemen? Hoo-rah!

Give me a break.

New recruits will as for permission before speaking to the president!

Speak to this!

What is your name, recruit?

Kelly Kramer.

Do you have a middle name? Fuck off.

Oh. Pretty.

People call you K2?

Nobody calls me... Here's the deal K2.

Just as generations of Alphas before you.

You and your little femme bots here are going to have to endure some... minor inconveniences to demonstrate you are worthy for a spot in this house.

If any of you can't handle it, you are welcome to leave.

Bring it shit weasel.

Play your little games.

Get that frat bullshit out of your system.

But guess what, we're still gonna be here.

Are we done?

You are dismissed.

Whatever. Girls.

That didn't go as planned.

No it did not.

They have to leave!

Oh they will.

I have a plan.

Excuse me ladies. Hey!

I'm so sorry. Dude!

We were watching that. We are watching this now.

Oh god!

And this is how they pay for college.

Alright K2. You have a choice of "Hole filled with cock", Brazilian Whores in Vegas. Looks like that won an award, or white men can hump.

Oh sorry, don't have a TV in my room.

Oh no problem. Boys!

Go to go boss. Good. Thank you.

Alright! White men can hump it is!

Alright let's get those tits bouncing!


Home movie? Uh sorry.

It's part of... you know.

It's alright hey I might even learn a thing or two.


Gotta go.

This is not why I joined your stupid sorority.

Change is never easy Renee.

We're not about to let some smutty videos break us.

We will persevere.

Hello ladies!

We got a treat for you. Hand out the shirts.

What is this?

Oh we thought that the house could use a little more solidarity.

So what each and everyone one of you is going to do is think of the sluttiest thing you have ever done on the first date write it on the shirt and wear it to dinner.

No way! Why not? Come on!

We're doing it too.

See. Solidarity!

Besides president's orders, right Cameron?

Fucking A! See you all at dinner.

I'm not doing this.

Yes you are. We all are.

Think of all the women who stood up for what they believe is right.

Elizabeth Blackwell.

Susie B. Anthony. Snooky!

If those women could endure all they had to go through, surely we can endure this!

Right ladies?

All of you start writing.

And be truthful.

We wouldn't want to compromise our integrity.


I said be truthful.



I made these for you.

Dude! I don't know what the fuck this is!

Oh relax! Right.

I'm on it.

Is it working?

Alright. Titty cam number one is ready for it's broadcast day.


Let's roll!

Right there. There.



No, no, no. Hold it!

Let's do another one.


So don't want to go to psych class today.

Hey how was history yesterday?

Fuck the feminist movement.

Turn around. Turn around.

They make the Disney princess seem like they're bad.

I mean, "Hello? They get everything they wanted."

What the fuck is that? Bigfoot.

Hey did you see that?


Zach, you have to check out this footage.

It's totally epic.

Maybe later guys. Titties.

Hey there. Fuck! Can a guy get some...


Studying huh?

Trying to. Just like old times.

You remember our first date?

7th grade... after school you asked me to meet you...

In the library. Right.

You said you wanted me to help you with your history assignment but I seem to remember what you really wanted was to feel my boobs.

Under the sweater over the bra if I remember correctly.

Oh you remember.

So what are you studying now? Oh.


You don't say.

I'll let you get to it.

We should shower together more often.

Yeah, it's so much fun.

It's good for the environment.

It is. I know!

Helping bunnies. Yeah!

Some perverts!

Do you have to be such an asshole?

I think you mean president asshole.

I'm taking this to the Dean.

Ya'll would love to get her Alabama hot pocket.

I have no idea what that means.

I'll tell you about it later.

Stop making that. Stop.

I'm on the phone! I'm going to lunch.

Be back by one!

Try three.

Yes. Yes.

Well I look forward to speaking about Virgin Mary more as well.

Yes. Yes. Alpha House project is moving forward.

Students are getting along.

No, no, no, no, complaints.

And uh if there are there's always provision 13.

If we have to use it we most definitely will.

Listen up ladies, the game has changed.

Before you know it we're gonna have this house all to ourselves.

How? Like this.

What are you doing?

What we have to do to take this house.

Saddle up girls.

It's time to blow some minds.

Hey Cameron.

Hey. Hey what's up K2.

Um, I just really wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting lately.

Really? Yeah, you know.

I know it must be weird being forced to live with a whole bunch of women.

It's a lot to take in all at once.

That's cool. We've been having fun.

Yeah, totally. Us too.

Anyways, the girls and I kinda want to offer you a peace offering.

Oh. A peace offering? Yeah.

You know, for all the trouble we caused you.

It's the least we can do.

So... dinner tonight at the house.

On us? Sure. Sounds good.

Perfect. I'll see you then.

And remember to dress nice.

We got something really special planned.


See ya. Okay, bye.


Good evening gentlemen.

We your alpha sisters would like to thank you for welcoming us so warmly into your home.

As a token of our gratitude, we prepared a very special meal for you tonight.

One that I think you'll remember for a very long time.

Please take a seat.

Enjoy your dinner boys.

I don't know about you fellas but I am famished.

Time for stage 2.

Yes. Associate Dean Marshall please.

Don't you like what you see?

Everything looks delicious.

Help yourself.

No, no, no, no.

No! No, no, no, no.

Relax Relax. Okay.

Do you have any wasabi?

Of course.


Dude, they're just boobs.

No, no, no, no. He's chocking!

Oh my god! Does anybody know the heimlich?

Everybody relax, I'm a lifeguard.


Geez are you okay? Am I okay? Look at my face!

Asshole! What's going on?


I'd say I was disappointed, that doesn't quite cover.

Disrespected Irate Melancholy... Pissed off!

I think does it. It's a good one.

Because of your antics, and heinous treatment of sushi I've been forced to expel members of your fraternity for indecency and fraternization.

And I particularly expected more from you Ms. Kramer.

Me too. Shut up potty mouth.

I'm so sorry Sir. It won't happen again.


Because I will not hesitate to put each and everyone of you out in the street, if you cannot follow the rules.

That is all.

I'm so sorry.

Edgar's gone.

So, what are we done?

We're just getting started.

We dial it up a notch.

We just can't get caught in the process.

One man eliminated, but now... we've lost two of our own.

That was sloppy.

From now on we play smarter.

We play harder.

We can't afford to have anymore casualties.

That's awesome.

Chuckie, you sure it's gonna work?

Dude, please. I switched the DVDs this morning.

Well... This is going to be educational.

Good afternoon.

My presentation is on Pompeii.

In 79 A.D. the Italian city of Pompeii was destroyed by the sudden and devastating eruption of Mount Vesuvius.

For centuries before this ruin however, Pompeii was a thriving metropolis A place of wealth and abundance.

In fact, it's citizens produced works of art, dance and music.

Still admired till this day.

You don't say.


Little did the people know the dangers lurking in the peeks and mountains near by.



I'm gonna kill your children and your children's children.

Uh! Come on!


So, Abby seems to think you guys have something to do with her presentation...

I assure you we had nothing to do with the destruction of Pompeii.


I'm sorry that Edgar got kicked out last night.


Same about Jessica and Katie.

Who would have thought that Associate Dean Douchebag was actually a man of his word.

Still not sure why he showed up at that exact moment though.

It's bad luck I guess.


Do you remember that night in High School when we were in Johnny Peterson's basement and you threw up all over his coffee table?

Oh! Yes.

I told his mom I was sick with the flu.

Did not have the heart to tell her that we got into his dad's liquor.

Yeah, I drank you under the table that night.

What?! I'm just saying you are kind of a lightweight.

Oh really? Really.



Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to sit or strip.

The rules are simple. You flip this coin and call it in the air. You're right, you take a shot.

Get it wrong, you remove an article of clothing and take a shot.

If you pass out or end up naked you're out.

The last man... Uh... or woman... standing wins the game.

There are no prizes.

This is simply a challenge to determine the better sex.

Are you ready? Yeah!

I said are you fucking ready? Yeah!

Good! Let the games begin.

Tails. Tails! Tails! Tails!


So beating you right now.

Alright. Then let's finish this.


Easy now.

I want a rematch. Okay lie back.

Because you are very, very drunk right now.

We can't do this.



Light Weight.

So, what is it this time?

What am I doing here?

How did I get here?

You pig!

What the hell is going on here?

Exactly what I said what happen when one of your boys cross the line.

What? No body... I found them with a few of my girls in their rooms.

Oh! Sounds pretty consensual to me.

No, it sound like you conspired to get them drunk so you can take advantage of them.

Oh! Horse shit!

You were there!

I suggest you boys begin adhering to the rules.

Otherwise, You'll all be looking for a new home.

Kelly is gonna wipe us out if we don't get some help.

I think I know just the person.

Yo. Who is that?

That my boys is my cousin Natalie.

She's our inside man.



I heard you need some help.

Yeah, you have no idea.

Come on, baby. What about that?

Oh yeah.


Dean Marshall I am busy Stephanie!

He's busy. I don't give a rat's ass!

Marshall! What the devil are you up to?

Dean Bungalon.

I'm not quite sure what you are referring to.

Alpha House?

You're trying to launch some kind of CoEd program?

Yes yes, the uh first of it's kind in the state in fact.

Very progressive.

And certainly within my remit as Associate Dean.

But I hear it has resulted in the ejection of some students from the faternity.

Yes, it's an unfortunate but necessary.

My ass.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why you would think is a good idea to put a bunch of sexed up young adults under one roof.

What did you think was going to happen?

The benefits of the program far out way the risks.

Making the Greek system CoEd fosters a unity between the genders, and offers for a more... cohesive living situation.

But no fraternization with the opposite sex?

You're suppressing their natural urges.

Hell when I was an Alpha... Yes. Yes. We... all know about the old days when you were went Greek sir.

The point is students come to Sterling College to learn and to have fun.

Not to be put into some social experiment.

I appreciate your concern sir.

I don't know what your end game is Marshall, But if I get a call that this little plan of yours went tits up...

It's your ass.

Not mine. Tits up my ass.

Got it.

Will there be anything else? Sir?


Carry on with um...

Whatever it is that you do in here.

Ladies. This is Natalie.

She just transferred to Sterling.

So please make her feel at home.

Hi Natalie. Hey I'm Emery. I'm Allison.

Any progress with Kelly? No progress there.

That is wrapped tighter then a condom on Peter North's dick.

Just keep on trying to break that hymen okay?

If you see any opportunity to take some leverage, take it.

Roger that.

I love you cousin.

I need you to do some research for me.

I think we have a double agent in our midst.

Find out everything you can from that new girl Natalie.

I'm on it.

Time to turn up the heat.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Okay not-not in here.

This is our basement okay? This is our territory.

Haven't you heard about burlesquercise?

Okay but...

5 minutes.

Umm, you could make it 10.

Yeah go sexy.



I think I want more.


Yeah baby.

There we go.


Oh shit! Oh!

What is going on in here?

So close.

Dude, we should all just leave the house, okay?

We're dropping like flies.

I wish I could get Allison to drop her pants.

I bet her cooz is like fine china.

Dude, now you're just being creepy.

Guys we can do this.

We're Alpha's for Christ sake!

Alright, we'll wear them down. You'll see.

Umm... You okay?

We're not going to make it.

Not with you girls walking around the house flaunting your goods.

Flaunting our goods?

We're not built to defend against this.

It's like you're actually trying to get us tossed out.

All I ever wanted is to be an Alpha.

What are you doing?

Flaunting my goods.

Feeling better?

Ah... Yeah.

I need to tell you something.

You're right about us.

Kelly is trying to take over Alpha House and turn it into a sorority.

What? How?

It's something called provision 13.

It states that if the ratio of either gender falls below 40% the gender that has the majority, has control.

That's why you guys have been getting kicked out so that we have the majority.

We've been playing you the entire time.

I'm sorry.

You asshole!

You crossed enemy lines!

I can't believe you're fucking her!

Smelenie! Of all of them. It was just once!

And a half.

Okay. Look.

I am sorry that I punched you.

But you fucking deserve it, you know that?

I know. Shit!


So what do we do now huh? Big guy!

I have an idea.

Alright sneak into Dean Marshall's office, and find out whatever we can about this prevision 13 bullshit and use it against the girls. Shit security!

Go, go, go! What are you doing?

Okay let's do this. Quick in and quick out.

Like your mama? Dick.


You finding anything?


Dude, dude, dude check it out!


Got it. Alright now let's rub our balls all over his office.

Dibs on his phone! Okay!


Shit! Come on, come on, come on.

I want you to fuck me on my freak boss's desk.

Treat me like a bad girl.

You're such a freak wanting to do it in Marshall's office.

Enjoy it while it's here baby.

Marshall's gon his eye on the Dean position at Virgin Mary College.

Prestige. Expensive. And all girls.

Why do you think he came up with that freak idea to CoEd all the fraternities.

He had to show his commitment in order to seal... the... deal.

Marshall is such a fucking freak.

He only wants that job so he can flirt with college girls.



We are not gonna sit idly by and watch our beloved fraternities be stolen from beneath our feet.

From this night forward, we do everything in our powers to stop the advancement of Kelly and the monkey dick lover that we know as Associate Dean douchebag. How?


Enough with the drawings. Just tell them the plan.

Well first we vow not to touch the poon.

So keep it in your pants. Then, those lying, disingenuous, fragalent, mendacious, perfidious whores at their own game.

Who's with us?

Ladies and Gentleman.

Welcome to Greek Charity days where all proceeds earned by students are donated to the charity of every fraternity and sororities choice.

Yep. No exactly the turn out I was expecting.

But it's... Pretty shitty. Yeah it's pretty shitty

The girls seem to be doing pretty well.

Suspiciously well.

Come and get your kisses!

Dude give me $10 dollars. Dude stop it. Alright.

Hey everyone...

Look! Give money to Chair Titty Day!

Oh are you gonna squirt me with your big gun?

That will be $75 dollars.


You think you can score?

Dude we are in trouble man. Big trouble.

Zach. Uh Zach?

Zach who? Oh come on Cameron.

Oh! Zach! He's not here. Do you see him?

Really? You're that pissed at me?

He says that you lied to him and that he was bad at the sex.

What did you expect me to do?

I'm trying to fit in. Be part of the group. Just like you.

You would have done the same thing.

Probably already have.

He says he has nothing else to say to you.

Well I have nothing else to say to him either.

Dude she's cute.

We need to figure something out. We need to...

Decent body too. We need to get serious!

Hey I have a question if you're ever done with her you think...


You like her! Shut up.

You like Smelanie! I fucking knew it.

Hey guys Zach like Melanie.

Oh okay, you get one more of those and I swear to Christ I'm gonna punch you right in the gooch.

What you got?

Almost finished. Check it out.

Nice. And the website?

Ready to roll.

5 bucks a day keep the blue balls away.

Make it 10.

We're getting creamed out there.

10 it is. Come back time.

I know that Kelly is in this whole empowerment thing but, I kinda just want to rage and... get some dick, you know?


Hey Rene can you move to the right a bit?


I wanted to get a better look at your bra. It's really nice.

You think so? Yeah can I see it?

Yeah. I finally splurged and got myself some nice ones.

Here you go.


It is nice.

I love your cousin.

Touch her and I'll kill you man.


It's cute. It would get me dick.

It definiteluy would.

Nice job boys.

We have a problem. Camera 7 is offline.

Which one is that? The one in K2's room.

Shit you think she found it?

I don't know. If she did she'd be in here cutting our dicks off, right? Wouldn't she?

Oh fuck.

Dude, so how much we made so far?

$12,000 dollars. What?

Yeah, and that's just the first day dude.

I'm telling you Zach if we keep going like this we're gonna be able to buy our own fraternity.

Hey February!

Dude that's like the 3rd time that's happened to me today.

What? Called you February? Yeah, weird right?


Hello boys.

You'd like your copies autographed?

Ladies, there's plenty me to go around.

Um exactly what am I autographing?


Oh shit!

What happened to my dick?

I know. I'm so sorry.

This is not what I look like! This is not what I look like!

I have a friend that's really good at photo editing.

Give me that.

Mine's crooked!

Actually it's a perfect right angle.

My dick does not look like this! Dude calm down.

No. No I will not calm down!

I need the world to know that I don't have a god damn 90 degree penius!

In fact, I'm gonna show every body!

Dude keep your pants on. Keep your pants on.

This is not over. Not yet.

Come on. No. I wanna show'em.

Kelly. What's wrong?

I got the research you asked for on Natalie.




Are you there you bad, bad girl?

What are you guys doing here?

We got the note from Kelly and said she wanted to party.

Shit. We've been set up.

Come on we have to get out of here.

Oh my god!

What are you doing in my room?

With drugs!

And fetish wear.

I told you they were out of control.

Well Dean Bungalon, I think you will agree there really is no choice here.

I agree.



You're out!


Well, that's it then without these 2 the guys have less the 40%.

And even without Miss lady pain here, we've still got the majority.

Alpha House is ours!

You know it didn't have to be this way.

We could have changed Sterling College for the better.

We could have found a way to live together as equals.

But instead you had to sow the seeds of discontent.

And you know what happened, you rapped the fucking world wind!

That's what happen!

You're sexy when you're megalomaniacal.

Laugh it up frodo.

But tonight I'll be sleeping in my nice warm bed.

In this very house.

Where will you be sleeping?

Oh well it's Tuesday so that would be with your mom!


Later losers.

Come on ladies let's go.

I'm really sorry boys.

I wish there was something I could do.

Yeah, yeah me too but um...

Unfortunately my hands are tide.

Yeah I'm sure.

Come on guys.

I brought all the paperwork to officially turn Alpha House in the Delta Pi Sorority.

All you have to do is sign right here.

Is there something wrong?

I'm afraid we are going in a different direction.

You see, CoEd fraternity project was meant to showcase how Sterling College fosters productive interacting between the genders.

I'm sure you will agree it was an unmitigated disaster.

I don't understand. What about provision 13?

Give you the fraternity?

Oh I don't know? Why don't I also open up a brothel?

After what you girls did?

Oh I don't think so.

I did what you told me to do.

Can you prove that?

Oh! I don't think so.

You have 24 hours to vacate Alpha House.

That is all.


We need to talk.

Alpha is no longer a fraternity. Yeah no shit!

You made sure of that cruela devil.

We were just following Marshall's orders.

He told me he wanted to show how he was a big supporter of female empowerment by turning those sexist fraternity on campus into sorority.

But in the end he just wanted to shut it down.

And he used us to do it. Wait? Shut it down?

Completely. Abandon. Boarded up.

We're just as homeless as you are.

I know that I don't deserve this.

That we don't deserve this after what we did but, We can't back and watch Alpha House disappear.

What we? Yes we!

That dickweed needs to get what's coming to him.

Nobody crosses Kelly Dorothy Kramer.

Dorothy. Shut up!

Now you're gonna help us get Alpha House back or what?

I don't know. You did already break our trust once.


We'll do anything.


Looking good ladies.

We're in. Admin Building 2pm.

And don't feel the need to change in the count of us, okay?

I'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing I could do to over turn Associate Dean Marshall's decision.

What about the Alpha Creed?

Yeah! Once and Alpha always an Alpha!

I really wish I could help you.

Thank you sir we really appreciate your time.

Of course...

If Marshall was to lose his position with the administration, all of his policies would be reviewed.

Wh... wait a minute are you saying that if we get Dean Marshall kicked out of the college that we might be able to get Alpha House back?

Well the reason for his dismissal would have to be something... pretty F'n dishonorable. Something so scandalous that the college would disown all of his decisions.

Just to distance itself from him.



We'll do it.

Of course this conversation never happened.

Of course. Thank you Dean.

Once an Alpha always an Alpha.

Cameron, you take a team into Marshall's office.

Place cameras here, here, here.

Roger that.

Once you're in, be fast. In and out.

But make sure the cameras are invisible. Undetectable.

We need full coverage.

Right there. Right there.

Go, go, go, go!

Come on let's go!

Whatever he does in that office we need to see it.

What do you think we'll find?

I don't know but based on what his assistant said probably some freaky ass shit.

Did he us ask to get fucked in the ass by a chick wearing a squirrel costume?

Yeah I think so.

I think I just puked in my mouth a little.

What are we gonna do with all this Intel after we gather it?

We bait the trap.

Stephanie. I see you're working.

What's this?

Oh, oh, oh my.

I'm going to lunch.


What's the password?

Acorn. Acorn!

Hello. Anyone here?

Umm, Miss furry Doublestuff? Hold on.

Make yourself at home.

Wow, I knew you had a lot of stuff but...


This is so disgusting.

I think you mean this is so awesome.

Is this what you wanted Mr. Rosenbush?

Sweet baby Jesus what am I seeing?

Umm please.

Call me tiger.

His porn name is tiger Rosenbush?

It's better then mine. Mocki Mckenley.

See k2 what you do... I know how it works.

And no I'm not gonna tell you my name.



Take your pants off.

Right away Miss Doublestuff.

Almost there.

Boxer briefs.

Oh I couldn't make up my mind.


Where is it?

That's it? Isn't it? No, no, no, that's a smudge.

Mama squirrel loves nuts.

Oh you do.

Bark like a dog.

What? Bark!


Meow like a pussycat.

And what does the cow say?

The says Moo. The cow says Moo!

Are you ready tiger?

Yes, yes. It's great!

Oh my god!

Is she going to...

Yes she is!

I am honored to be speaking in front of you today.

I am particularly grateful to provostalious and the other Virgin Mary administrators for making time in their very busy schedules to be here today.

Thank you.

Through out my tenure at Sterling College, I am most proud of how I fought for equal gender rights.

Although I did not achieved the level of success I had hope with my most recent project.

The rehabilitation of Sterling College's most notorious and disrespected fraternity.

I swear to you on my nana's graves I will continue the gender fight until I have serviced the needs of every female student.

That is so gross.

That proffer my resignation as Associate Dean at Sterling College...

You guys ready?

...And accept the position of Dean of Virgin Mary University.

Drop it.

Like it's hot. Roll it.

Proto status. I...

He's not gonna like this.

As well as inserting my rigid ethics in the lives of your most impressive student body.

It's him right? Yeah. That's him.

Now ah...

What is... I'm sorry... Hello.

No! No! That is not me.

That is. It's photoshoped people.

Oh mommy. Thanks for coming.

Turn this off please.

Please somebody tell me which one does it!

Turn it off!

Marshall please. Don't! Don't please.

It's not me.

Save it Marshall.

You're not who we thought you were.

There's no place for you at Virgin Mary College after all.

Furry freak...

Wait a minute... you can't...

Tiger Rosenbush?

Hey can I get a copy of that?

Great job.

Alpha House!

Today we reenter an elite brotherhood... and sisterhood, Are we ready to uphold the traditions of this fraternity...

I mean fraternasorority.

If you are let me hear you say yeah.


And do we pledge no matter what, to never let her hallowed halls fall silent.

To never let the kegs go dry.

And to never... ever, let the party die.

If you're with me let me hear you say fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah!

Welcome back.

To the 24 hour party machine!

Alpha House!

They're not back in 5 minutes I'm putting my clothes back on.

I have to say when I told you guys to find some dirt...

I wasn't expecting this.

Well sir it was a full team effort.

Without everybody involved, never would have happened.

I have some fond memories of this place.

Thowin' back brooze. Banging tang.

Hell I was the Alpha Male 3 years running.

Sometimes wish I could come back.

Sir you're always welcome back.

Once and Alpha always an Alpha.

I may just take you up on that.

Chuckie get over here, Tracie is showing us what she learned in Mexico while standing. Come on!

Excuse us.

Have a great party. Thank you Sir.

You know I was thinking...

Where you? Yeah I was thinking we could uh, You know. Again. Unless you're still mad at me.

Lets go. Okay.

Excuse me girls.

Don't slam the door on my face.

Why shouldn't I? Because I brought you these.

You wanna come in?


So what do you want?

Uh, I just...

I know you don't like me very much but since we are officially now roommates...

House mates. Right.

I figured that we should start fresh.

K2 I know I can be a bit of an asshole but...

Cameron. I think if you got to know me...

Cameron! Yeah.

Turn around.


You're an asshole.

President asshole.

But I don't hate you.

Oh! Apparently not.

Sady Saltaire.

Uh what?

My porn name.

And that's what I want you to call me for the rest of the night.

Sady Saltaire Anything you say Ms. Saltaire.


Hey little squirrel.

You want a nut little guy?

Dude! Not cool!

You scared it.

You want a nut? Hmm?

You want a nut?

You patchouli drenched birkenstock piece of poop!

I'll get your nut. Oh hey here's a nut.

Have a nut!

Would you like another nut?

Here. Here. He's another nut!

Here! Take 'em! What the fuck!?

What's wrong? Don't you like my nuts?

Here! You can't handle my nuts!

Take my nuts!

Where's the fucking squirrel?

Get over here!

Goddamn you!

Little fucker!

I see you!