Amanda & Jack Go Glamping (2017) Script

My guest today has been called

2002's most promising first time author, with his debut book flying off the shelves.

- Jack Spencer, welcome to our program. -It's great to be here.

Best-selling author Jack Spencer took five years to publish the follow-up to his debut.

Critics seem to be on the same page.

His overdue sophomore effort is exactly that, sophomoric.

In the "what happened to that guy bin," author Jack Spencer... finally released a new book today, entitled the rhythm wind.

In the la weekly review of the book, bostra botten wrote... the only thing that's clear is his desire to land in the one-hit wonder aisle.

Daddy!

Hey, munchkins!

Gimme a kiss, mwah, mwah!

Hey, where've you been?

Oh, I had to pack up my office early.

The start-up wanted in Monday, so, I'll be writing on our couch now.

I'm sorry, uh, but can you pretend I'm a call from your agent next time?

Hmm, an agent calling me?

Now, my cartwheels!

Ok, I got this, I got this, here we go.

Go for it.

Do you guys have to leave?

Oh, it's just for five days, sweetie.

Oh, that was a good one!

Oh, yeah!

Uncle Brad says that if you don't get your act together soon, we should pack up with mommy and live with him when you lose our house. Is that true?

No, no, we're just going on a grown-up vacation to enjoy each other.

We used to do it all the time.

Why did you stop?

Uh, because we couldn't bear to be away from you two!

Jack?

Uncle Brad!

Ladies!

Hey, aunt Erica!

Did you tell the girls... look, Jack, you guys are gonna love this place, trust me.

I wouldn't trust you... uncle Brad!

Uncle Brad!

Our flight leaves in two hours.

Can I just pack your bag for you?

Sure.

How could your brother say that in front of the girls?

His crib had lead paint.

Who does that?

Can we please start this trip with a clean slate?

Ok.

Sorry.

Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Breakfast club?

Ooh, close, same director, a year later.

Uh, Ferris Bueller's day off.

Ding-ding-ding, ok, your turn.

Oh, um...

My turn.

This is amazing!

Yeah, amazing.

Come on, silly boy.

I just wish we brought the girls.

That would defeat the purpose.

Yeah, right, we need alone time in the wild to rekindle our marriage.

You agreed to this.

I know you're gonna graze in the organic garden and wear wild flowers in your hair, but what do you expect me to do here?

Relax, roast s'mores. -Good times.

A little dancing, a little night life.

Weird science.

Correct.

Unbelievable!

Did you know there were animals?

Are we responsible for them?

Relax, honey, it's all part of this thing called nature.

Oh, nature, interesting.

Let's see, I don't know what that is.

What is nature?

Well, cell service cut out about 30 minutes ago, so welcome back to the 20th century!

Are you kidding me?

What if the girls need us?

They're fine, they're with family.

What did our parents do when they got away?

They would throw Martinis at each other from across the room.

Come on! -No, no, no, no, no.

Come on! Be careful, how old is this barn?

Oh, the view is amazing up here!

I'm sure it is. Oh, it's like a lookout tower, come on up!

No way.

A two-story barn doesn't qualify for your fear of heights.

Ok.

Hey, there's a wasp's nest!

Well, it says there's peppermint chili wasp repellent in the shed.

Does that work?

Only in the eco-magical places!

The food outside is for the alpacas, and the carrots are for donkey and yoti. don quixote, don't you think they were trying a little hard with the vinyl and the typewriter, ugh!

Mm, oh!

Break it down!

You know that was designed to blind intruders, right?

What, you mean the boogey man?

Yeah, look, I got one, too.

What is that? A bug zapper!

Ooh, you can dance with that, you know?

Yes!

Death!

Well, enjoy killing your bugs.

I'll feed the donkeys.

Can I come and hang with you?

Oh.

Oh, gosh!

Amanda, ok, ok, ok.

Hey, shorty, yeah!

Ah, oh god!

Oh god!

Hey. Hey.

Come meet my friends.

What happened? Oh, just enjoying nature in a sustainable way.

Tasty, local, natural.

Ok. Look at this guy!

Eww!

I'm going back to the barn.

See ya!

Hey, look at me, I'm the ass whisperer!

Ah!

Ooh, ooh, so loud!

You're so rude!

You're adorable.

I'm takin' a look inside this shed.

Be careful!

Oh, there it is.

Jeez, jumpy much?

Well, I am in a shed in the middle of Texas with a chainsaw!

I don't think you can be massacred, all the tools look green.

Yeah, it doesn't chop the trees down, it just hugs 'em. Mm-hmm.

Everything's gonna be all right.

I just want things to start going my way again.

You have two beautiful daughters and me going your way, so I don't know what else you want.

I don't know, organic shed sex?

Are you serious?

No, I was joking, but...

But, wait, wait, wait, are you serious?

I did... I love the idea of organic shed sex!

What?

I'm just waiting for Michael Myers to jump out.

Kill!

You mean Jason, Jason was the one at the camp.

Michael Myers is from the 'burbs.

Well, that's comforting.

Did you ever think we'd be here?

Alone on a farm?

What I'm saying is for us to come out here while our friends and family back home are praying that we make a 180, hoping that it's not too late.

It was my idea for me and the girls to move in with Brad.

What?

I mean, it's not a done deal, it's just a back-up plan in case.

In case I don't magically change under the stars at night.

You know, I am trying.

Trying what?

Just leave it be, you don't need to lock it out here.

I need to lock it.

I can't believe you got my wedding pajamas out!

I haven't seen these since Aspen.

Mm, it's a vacation.

You're not trying to poison me with iocane powder are you?

Inconceivable!

Oh!

Throwback Thursday!

That's...

This is it.

We used to go up on my mom's roof, and we'd bring out speakers, and we'd listen to kroq, volume full blast.

On the roof?

Yes, absolutely!

We'd stay up there for hours.

We'd listen to Richard blade, and he'd play the smiths and tears for fears.

Depeche mode.

Yeah, but we were more into new order because you had to pick a side. Oh.

You couldn't like both.

Mike wanted to be a drummer, Dave, a professional surfer, and I wanted to be a great writer.

Mm.

I used to wanna play so badly, and I did play so badly.

Sing me a song. I can't sing.

Mm, come on, it can't be something from the '80s.

No to the way.

You sang for me at our wedding.

I was drunk.

Ok, so, um...

You were on your rooftop new wave club.

I just wanna go back and tell that kid, "hey, go to business school, study software."

"Just learn how to build an app."

And break up with Julie cook, 'cause you're gonna meet this hot girl in college.

That's right, and then you'll have to dump that hot girl, because you're gonna meet your wife.

That's not... thanks!

What, that's me being funny!

That's not funny.

It's not? Mm-mm.

You should take the teaching job, I mean, just for a season.

I know it's not a lotta money, but you could cover the girls' tuition.

I think that you would have a lot of great things to say to the students.

Yeah, like, "quit now", before all your dreams are crushed."

This changes my whole position on gun control.

Why?

Because living out here, you'd have to be packing.

I mean, rattlesnakes and wild hogs, insane asylum escapees.

I don't think we're anywhere near any asylums or madhouses or Indian burial grounds, though I bet there's a prison somewhere nearby.

You had to say that.

Did you hear that?

Yes. Yes?


Who are you? Who are you?

We rented this place. So did we!

Are you ok?

Nate must've double-booked us.

Nate? He owns this place.

Yeah, he rented it to us.

Well, he rented it to us, too.

Hey, hey!

Oh my god!

Stop! Ok, are you cool?

Let's sleep on it and we'll figure it out in the morning.

Yeah. The morning?

Dude, you seriously injured me.

He's hurt.

Yeah, my head hurts.

I'm sure you could sleep in the airstream.

Yeah, or, or the yurt, it's a tent... we know what a yurt is.

Yeah, I gotta lay down.

Yeah, we can just crash here.

We won't bother you guys back there.

Ok babe, come sit down.

He's a maniac. I know, it's ok, it's ok.

There you go, it's ok.

Ok? -I can't believe they did that to you!

I'll make you feel better, I promise... you'll make me feel better?

Why's the trailer shaking?

Good thing for them you don't have the gun.

Oh, god!


What's that smell?

Oh.

Hey!

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey!

Coffee?

Uh... thank you.

Mm-hmm, here you go.

Do you have any cream or... it doesn't need it.

This is a finca herbazu, it's a shade-grown pacamara.

Ooh. Yeah, you guys are gonna dig it.

It's got a primary note of exotic fruits, little suggestion of maple syrup and praline.

Please?

Oh, ok.

You guys are going to love it!

So tasty!

I call this eggs bacondict.

Uh, I don't do bacon.

Mm, health or ethics?

Pet.

Pet, you, you got a pet pig?

Oh, I want one!

You grew up on a farm?

Condo, actually.

I wanted a German Shepherd, my mom wanted a hypoallergenic pet, so I got wilbur.

Yep, say no more.

You know what, here, I got an idea.

Let's just take and put this on my plate, no bacon.

Here ya go, a killer abealicious Kale smoothie.

Uh, yeah, um.

I'm not vegetarian, I just don't eat pork.

Hmm, thank you.

So, where you guys from, lemme guess, the oc.

The bay area.

Oh, my god, I love the bay area!

It's got, uh, blue bottle, tacolicious.

Abe knows all the coolest spots.

He's a programmer with over 1000 followers.

His feed was featured last summer, that's how we met.

So what brings you guys here?

Extended honeymoon, leading up to the reception.

Yeah, it's elope now, party later, right, baby? It's the new rage.

What about you cats, how long you guys been married?

14 years.

15 years.

Wow, congratulations, that's... a long time! It's a long time, yeah, wow.

It's awesome. That's great.

Mm.

So is this, like, an anniversary thing for you guys?

No, no, it's a private retreat.

That was a little harsh.

We made you breakfast.

We made you smoothies.

You know, and juice, coffee.

I don't appreciate that, and I think that's really mean.

We could take the yurt. No, wh... really, oh, that is so ni... oh my goodness.

Thank you guys so much!

That's so nice of you!

That's so amazing, oh my gosh!

Oh, my god! -Oh, my gosh!

Besides, you guys look totally made for glamping.

Y'know, glam camping!

Glamping, is that, like, a thing?

Totally.

We keep doing that!

It's too much, stop!

I don't wanna stop.

It... it's settled then.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Well, I'm gonna get you some milk then for your coffee.

It doesn't need it.

He just misses wilbur.

That's some pig.


Naughty!

Oh!


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Freeze! You coulda killed me!

Are you a native, originating or occurring naturally in the wilds of Texas?

No, I'm Jack from California.

Hands up!

Ok, easy, boy scout!

I'm not a scout, I'm a seventh-year baron academy Griffin.

Are you alone out here, don't you have a parent or the buddy system?

Even talking with you puts me in jeopardy of badge debarment.

Ok, well, then, I'll just leave now, ok?

It's too late for that. What?

So we met up at the gathering in Portland, and three months later, we're hitched!

That's wild.

They always say, when you know, you know!

I guess.

Here he is! Who?

Nate cortes.

The owner, how do you know what he looks like?

Hey, welcome to green acres.

The welcome is, is all mine!

I, welcome to green acres!

I, I didn't know you were gonna be here, well, welcome home, it's, sorry, it's, it's so nice, nice to meet you.

I just wanted to say that I, um, I do my best to be green and I love everything eco-friendly that you've done here.

Yeah, you must be Amanda.

Yeah, why, yes, I think I am.

And Jamie?

Yeah. So how's the yurt?

Yes, um, they actually wanted the yurt, so we're cool in the spartan.

We'll, um, we'll, we'll take the yurt tonight, and maybe just a discount for the difference.

Nah, I'll do you one better.

A night free, on the house.

Thank you, but my kids, so.

We would be open to staying longer.

Possibly.

So, uh, you all like a tour of the land?

Yes.


Bowhunting badge, knot badge, shelter badge, should get my fire badge tonight, all in two moons, no help.

We teach ourselves, the students are in charge.

Kill the pig, spill his blood!

Ironically, my last task is to capture a wild hog.

You're kidding me.

Nope, have to trap it alive.

All by yourself? Yeah, no help, no teachers, no homework.

Wow. Our academy is like the best of socrates, boy scouts, and Google put together.

Well, that's quite a mash-up.

Do you have kids in school?

Yeah, two, here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, no, no, no, pictures, just my phone, here. Here.

Yeah, look at their pictures.

- Molly and Caroline. Uncle Brad says that if...

No, no, no, no, not that one. Not that one. pack up with mommy and live with him when you lose our house.

Ok, that's enough.

Thanks.

They're cute.

Yeah, one of their many outstanding qualities.

You in the shit?

Yeah, deep, just tryin' to climb out.

You've crossed the threshold, in the belly of the whale, headed into the road of trials.

Do you have a smart goal?

Maybe. - S-m-a-r-t, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound.

Huh, that I do not.

You should.

What do you think my smart goal should be?

What do you think?

I'm not gonna tell you how to get your wife and keep your girls!

That's right, no teachers, no answers.

Only guides.

We've talked too much, I can't take the risk with the council.

Whoa, dude, dude, dude, dude!

Speak of this to no one.

Well, your hero's journey is safe with me.

Shake on it.

Is that necessary?

Lemme guess, you got tied up?

Funny you should say that.

I ran into... a better attitude?

Of course.

I went into the woods to live deliberately, live deep, and suck the marrow out of life!

To live so sturdily and spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to drive life into the corner and reduce it to its lowest terms.

Hello, Thoreau.

Hello, Tarzan.

That's Nate.

Welcome to my homestead.

I'm gonna just go back to the tent.

It's a yurt.

Well, aren't you two in sync!

Woo-hoo!

C'mon, dude!

What the hell is that?

They're here!

Amanda, Nate, Jack, come meet our wedding party!

We are getting out of here tonight!

To go where?

Anywhere but here.

So you guys have a goal? Yeah, we have a goal, I'm like hashtag campvibes.

This is fun, you're having your reception here?

Oh, no, it's not like a wedding party like that.

It's just like a hang since we got married alone.

This is my main man here, Jordan.

He's my brochada, made the trek in with Ana the vanna.

She's my vannagram, a photobooth on wheels.

Lucky man!

So I've been told.

Hey, guys, hey, Jack.

We weren't properly introduced.

Ever since I was looking down on you, I kept thinking, you look incredibly familiar to me.

Oh, well, some people think I look like Harrison Ford.

Uh, laugh it up, fuzzball!

It's a game we play, uh.

- Empire strikes back. Empire strikes back.

Uh, you're not gonna get any reception out here.

Archive, bro!

Come on!

Oh, ok.

Over here, over here, Jack!

Glamping!

All right, I'm not kidding, you look remarkably familiar to me.

I don't know, I don't know what to say.

I know.

W- w-wait, are you Jack Spencer, the author?

Yeah.

I knew it, I knew it!

I didn't tell him!

I'm a huge fan, man!

Why didn't you tell me before?

Uh... so he's a, you're a, you're a famous writer?

That's, that's awesome!

That's fantastic!

Hey, hey, d-do, do you skate?

No. Come on, man, we gotta hit that later, man.

You, you said it, never be motivated by fear, comfort, or fame, right?

Right.

Right?

Did you write that?

A long time ago.

That's good.

Oh, it's good!

All right, you guys relax, I- i have to finish a reclaimed pallet bench and some pickling.

Hey, I'll let you try some of my famous pickles.

And, and your ginger kombucha.

Yeah, yeah, that's, that's right.

I, uh, I ran out for the season, but, uh, we'll gather later tonight, have a good time, all right?

Yeah, sounds great.

Jack Spencer!

Oh, god!

Kombucha?

Eh, I read about it on the website or, or Facebook or something.

You're Facebook friends?

Eh, that's how he gives directions.

Wow, ok. You guys still use Facebook?

I do not.

Good move. Yeah.

Too bad there's no signal to check your status updates.


Brave, strong, no fear.

Fire badge!

Suck!

All right!

Who wants another green acres mule?

Thought you'd never ask.

Are you sure, Jack?

Oh, don't panic, it's organic!

Full disclosure, Jack, I loved your book.

Oh, wait, it changed my life!

Really?

You know, I was in a pretty dark place a few years back when I was stumbling through the self-help section at book people in Austin.

All of sudden, boom, there you were.

There I was. Yep, there you were, smiling at me from the back of your book, lying face down in the dollar bin.

And I grabbed it, started reading it right there in the aisle.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the great twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

That's incredible! I didn't actually write that.

You quoted it, right there, at the start of chapter one.

Who wrote it then?

Theodore Roosevelt.

Yep, good ol' Teddy!

Coincidence? Inspiring!

So what are you working on now?

This drink and residing in the great twilight.

Jack?

What?

You should keep writing.

Oh, I do. I have been. Trivia question:

Name one other book of mine from the last 15 years.

Nobody? No bars, bro.

Well, there were three, actually, but the truth of the matter is, the checkered failures will beat you down into the great twilight until you don't have the strength to get back up again.

You're really wreckin' the vibe here.

That comin' from a guy who can only read

140 characters at a time.

Easy, Hemingway.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I old man photobombing your millennial selfie stick?

It's a dreamcatcher.

Really?

Looks like your hashtag bullshit antenna.

I keep a journal! Aw.

That's great.

And she takes inspired pictures and she posts them on tumblr, and they reflect each entry, and I just think that that's really sweet.

Oh, you're sweet.

You're sweet.

Self-distribution.

What? - No offense, but it's just crazy how self-exposed the whole world is right now.

You know, maybe I should just post pictures from everything in my man bag and release the story online, one sentence at a time.

It's not a bad idea, mate.

Mate?

He means dude.

All right, all right, who's up for some rocks and s'mores?

Yes, please!

Oh, man!

Bravo!

Spotify that shit when I get a signal, man!

Does your whole life revolve around ones and zeroes?

All right, Jack, why don't you just finish your story.

Thank you, so we were both off at college, and I was going away for some summer program, but Amanda was coming home from volunteering with, wait for it, mother Theresa.

And, that's enough.

That's incredible!

I'd really like to know more about that later, if that's ok?

He really didn't need to tell this story.

Come on, honey, this is romantic!

There are not tweets or toots or instagrams of her caring for a dying leper.

You know, no Facebook posts about, "look how awesome I am, me and mama f'n t!"

I- I'm just wonderin' if you flutterbugs could, uh, conceive doing something so amazing and not broadcasting it, you know?

She didn't, uh, do any of that.

She did it for herself and for them.

Isn't that why you write? Not anymore.

No, see, when you're an adult, you need an audience.

It's not just enough being you.

You gotta dial down the self-pity, and let that woe is me shtick go, man!

If I had a woman like miss Amanda U. S. A. over here, I would never leave the house. Thank you, Jordan.

Yeah, thank you, Jordan, it was really creepy.

You need to spend a beat with Mr. green acres over here.

He's got it dialed-in, living off the land.

First dude on the scene of a disaster.

Ok, that's all right, thanks...

Katrina and Haiti, right?

Yes.

You the man!

How does everybody know everything about Nate?

I've been to his bio, this man's stats are on fleek!

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We're all very cyber-impressed.

Wh, where are you going?

To the big potty in the woods, because I'm so organic and fair trade.

The bath house is right over there.

Eh, the woods are right over there, and I have to say hello to my little friend.

Don't snapchat that.

No signal, bro!

Oh, man, are you ok?

Just gimme a second.

You should always throw with the blade first.

Shit, uh, sorry, shoot.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Yes!

Whoa! That's what I'm talkin' about.

Whoa! Woo, whoa!

Oh!

Are you ok? Oh, man, leaves of three, let them be.

Poison Ivy?

That's gonna itch like a mother.

You better pee on it.

Uh, I'm fine.

Remember, it has to be your own urine.

I promise not to take someone else's.

I'll miss you. It's lovely to see you.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

When you get tired of Mr. one hit wonder over there, find me on insta, whoisjordaddy24.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Yeah.

Namaste, honored to know you, my man.

All right, brother.

Bye, Jordan. Woo!

I think it's time we go in for a bit.

Thank you for everything.

I'm here to serve.

Well... oh, no, no, please.

Sun's still out.

How's your mission?

Well, I'm starting with my sad goals, stupid ass decisions.

How is that working out for you?

Honestly, it's not going very well.

I'm guessing it took years.

Small choices plus time, erosion doesn't happen overnight.

True, true.

Motivated actions, not words.

Are you tryin' to teach me?

Guide.

Consider the difference between erosion and fermentation.

Time can also change things for the better, if there's an intentional plan.

Cheese, pickles, yogurt.

Wine.


Wow, I wish I spoke Spanish.

Me, too.

I just know it in songs.

Here's a good one, here.

Oh! It's nice and easy.

A little, that, that's plenty, that's good.

Thank you.

So tell me, this, uh, this mother Theresa thing.

I mean, you, you were there? Well, she wasn't actually there when I volunteered with the sisters of charity.

Come on, it's better that way, just pure motivation.

Well, it sounds like you've had your share of pure motives.

Well, it sounds like you've been doing some research on me.

No, no, I just... huh?

I just read about it on the site.

All right, whatever.

The green acres. Yeah.

Ah, I used to be pretty self-absorbed.

You know, it really did start with Jack's book.

Hmm.

I sold everything to live simply.

I spent most of my time in places like these, out in the wild, with few possessions, just focusing on sustainability.

It makes it easy to help when the need arises.

It's just you out here?

Yeah, yeah, for now.

That's why I started renting the place out.

It needs to be shared.

That's so inspiring.

It can be, yet surprisingly isolating as well.

Oh, it's getting late.

Yeah.

Hey, let me show you a, a quick trick with the fan in the yurt, so you can stay cool.

Sure, thanks.

Do you have anything to drink?

Yeah, I have some water.

No, no, you don't have any alcohol? -Nope.

You don't, you're a good kid, you're a good kid.

Does your school have any jingles?

We have mottos.

Such as?

Fail early, fail often, fail cheaply.

Well, I have the fail often one down.

I believe in you, Jack.

Why's that?

The knife.

You kind of sucked at first, but when you put your mind to it, you rocked.

I should probably get back.

Hey, if you're, uh, looking to practice your bow skills, there's a campfire over there with a self-absorbed conan the barbarian just lounging like a sitting duck.

I'm good, I have a plan.

Smart, I think I do, too, now.

Hey...

You should, um, you should take the knife.

What, no, I can't take your knife.

Seriously, as a memento.

Eh, thanks, Rambo.

Yes, generosity badge!

I thought the whole, uh, glamping vibe fit well with the organic farming and tiny living turf.

When did you make these yurts?

I call them yurts because they call Mongolia the Texas of Asia, but, uh, technically, they're belle tents.

More, uh, um, Kenya than ulaanbaatar.

Well, we were looking forward to the spartan, but we've been upgraded to the set of out of Africa.

You know, I had a farm in Africa, at the foot of the ngong hills.

Oh, I love meryl!

Isn't she amazing?

Amazing!

Amanda, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll change, I'll do better, for you, for the girls.

I'll ferment for the better.

Meryl streep, what a woman!

Did you see ricki and the flash, she is a rockstar!

Jack, hey!

I was just, uh... watering the flowers?

Yeah, yeah, I'll just head out, you have a good night.

Good night.

Yeah, don't hurt yourself chopping reclaimed wood next to your compost pile, huh, lit by fireflies!

He was definitely making himself at home.

He is at home, and he was fixing the fan for us.

I'm sure he was.

So, where have you been for so long?

Finding myself.

And how are you doing that?

Scouts never tell.

I already checked for bugs.

I'm checking for Jordan.

Funny.

Funny, you think I'm funny?

Funny how, like I amuse you?

Funny like a clown?

Goodfellas.

You are not your writing, Jack!

Just end the pity party!

But we're in a debt-death spiral.

I don't care if we live in a Van or a yurt or a cardboard box, as long as we're on the same page.

Are you serious?

Like, we can survive, if you would just take the job at the girls' school, then we would be fine!

Survive, me teaching at a elementary school would be career suicide!

All you care about is your fucking career!

It is dead and buried, just let it go, and...

Move on!

I'm sorry.

Jack.

Jack, what...

I'd rather sleep outside alone instead of in here in this fantastic yurt with a eco-natural milf who thinks I'm dead.

Dead man walking.


Ok, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't rock.

Night-night, donkey, night-night.

Want some of that?

No, I can't give you that.

There you go, you drink, you drink, I drink.

Mm-hmm, you know, you think that you'll never write another one!

I'm talking about a New York times best seller.

Oh, oh, the crowds on the book tour, they treated me like I was a rock star.

Well, maybe not U2 rock star, but at least gin blossoms.

Between you and me, my big book really wasn't that original.

The post said I was a curator of the truth, more like a custodian of bullshit.

My second and third book were actually much better.

You want me to curate some truth for you right now?

As it turns out, only thing I'm really semi-good at is being a father.

If I screw this up, it's every other weekend.

Huh, who are you, Nick bottom?

What, did puck turn you into a donkey?

Puck that guy. Puck that guy!

Come back here!

Hey, c'mon!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Come here, mister, buddy, here!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, don't do it, no!

Donkey, here donkey, here, donkey, donkey, donkey!

Get in there!

Donkey!

Look what I got for you!

Come on, where'd you go?

Nice place, hey, mister!

C'mere, c'mere, buddy!

Come on, boy, ok, come on!


Morning, Jack, please, take a seat. Gather with us.

My famous pork migas will change your life.

Jack doesn't appreciate the acon-bay.

Pet issues.

Thanks, but we have to hit the road.

We do? It's a long drive to get our tickets changed, so if you don't mind, honey.

All the more reason to fuel up.

There's always time for mimosas.

Join us.

We should stay.

Nate's a professional chef.

Huh, of course he is!

We should go.

Hey, don't should on yourself, Jack.

Pork you.

I'm not leaving. What?

I, I want you to stay here.

Ok, look, I want you to stay here with me, Jack, but I am not leaving.

Not leaving. Mr., uh, hot-for-you pants over here who double-booked us with the true romance rabbits in heat?

You can at least be nice, Nate's making us his famous recipe from his trip to Chile!

How much Google stalking did you do of this guy?

Google stalking?

Yeah, no wonder we ended up here and not at that beautiful lighthouse on the coast.

No, no, we are supposed to be saving our marriage, but all you have done is be dude downer!

Look, I have been listening to you gripe about your career since before you even had a career, I am done!

Amanda.

No, I am talking and you will listen.

Look, you can go, but I am staying for every night my brother paid for.

Plus that extra night free for taking the yurt.

You are not staying here for us, mother Theresa.

You are staying for magic Mike.

Ok, well, at least Nate knows what he wants.

O- ho-ho yeah, he knows what he wants.

And doesn't whine about it nonstop.

He wants you, in the field, in the yurt, in the Coop so you can pet his chickens!

Waa, waa, waa, waa, waa!

You sound like Jack if he were a goat!

Hey, what are you doin' there?

Jack, stop! Hey-ey-ey, easy, tiger!

Jack, Jack stop it!

Ow, dammit! -Jack, stop!

Stop it! -Stop that!

Hey, this is a violent-free zone, man!

Jack!

Dammit, man!

Jack, seriously?

Keys are in the car.

Jack, Jack!

Have fun. -Are you ok?

I don't, I don't know, at least I felt that guy... later, donkey.

Bro, it's like 30 miles to town!

It's totally fine, just have another mimosa.

It's ok!


Shit!

Hey, hey!

Yah!

Everyone's friendly in Texas, my ass!

Fuck you!


Need a lift?

What are you doing here?

On a quest, you?

Uh, uh, tryin' to get home. Jump in.

There are roaches in my room.

Why don't you let me drive?

Can't do it, on a mission.

Do you even have your license?

I've got my driving badge.

Does that work with the cops?

You seen any cops?

Good point. How many seeds do you think it takes before you get on of those engelmann prickly pears to take root and grow?

I don't know, one in a hundred?

Try one in 250,000. Wow.

Then only one in five of those plants will actually bloom.

That's rare.

Where's your wife?

Um, she's glamping, still glamping.

So what exactly are they intuiting?

They're sensing your nurturing spirit.

Or they're just smelling the food.

Don't sell yourself short like that.

Alpacas and donkeys are especially intuitive creatures.

Not the donkey I'm with.

It's no accident I found you today.

Why's that?

I was just praying for some help with my catch.

Oh, four-wheelin', huh?

I keep getting bitten, but I can't find the bugs!

Chiggers. -Chiggers?

Yeah, these little mites bite your skin and release enzymes that feed the larva.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Ha-ha, you got your pig!

Woo-ee, Ben, you got a big boy back here!

Yes, sir.

Congratulations!

You know when I was younger, I had a pet pig.

Funny story, his name was...

wilbur.

Sorry 'bout that.

Oh my gosh, are you ok?

Oh, shit.

Well, uh...

Oh, that's a lot of poop.

Baron academy encourages us to see the origin of our food.

I don't think this is where it comes from.

Oh, now, come on, reach in there and yank!

That's it.

I am crushing this badge.

I need to get to town.

Not yet, I still have to clean and render everything.

Oh...

I have to get to the airport and get some plane tickets so I can see my girls.

My grandmother lives in town, she can take you to the airport.

How do I get to town?

I, I tell you what, townie, you take old Betsy over there, and you can leave her with Jude.

Thank you.

Your boy ain't got no guts!

That's it, boy.

Yeah, gonna take that off.

Oh, not to worry, it's, it's hemp.

Hmm. It's biodegradable.

Hey, would you mind passing me some of that aloe Vera plant over there?

Thank you.

You ok? Yeah, I think I'm fine.

There it is.

Look at that.

Mother nature.

It works every time.

Hmm.

God.

Hey, would you happen to know nuad boran massage therapy by any chance?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Ok, um.

You hear that?

It's mating season.

Oh.

You got it?

I think so, thank you.

You sure you're not headed the wrong way?

I'm heading home to my girls.

Maybe, but for how long?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

What the hell are you talkin' about, Benny boy?

It's this zen crap he learns from his school.

Fine, I'll shoot straight.

Show some grit and get your wife back.

That's what your girls would want.

This baby Yoda here does make a lotta sense.

You're rollin' outta here madder 'n' a bobcat caught in a piss fire!

It seems to me the only real problem you got's you.

Oh, lotta people around here sure have a lotta tidbits of wisdom they like to share.

We gotta lotta free time in the country, time to ponder the deep shit.

Like, can god make a rock so big that even he can't lift it?

Don't tell me if you know the answer.

I just love that question, that's a good one, innit? -Yeah.

Good luck with your badges.

Thanks.

Guess people really do need to learn everything on their own.

True, he's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

What does that even mean?

What do I mean?

Ok, yeah, where did you learn that?

Eh, a monk showed me this technique in Shanghai.

What were you doing there?

Just trying to sneak into Burma.

Oh, Burma?

Yeah, humanitarian support for ethnically-oppressed people in the war zones.

That's amazing.

Well, if you're into that kinda stuff.

Mm.

I'll tell ya what, I'm gonna take a quick shower, then we can head over to the beehives for a little tour.

Sounds great.

Which part?

Uh, I'll meet you at the beehives.

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Son of a bitch!


No, no!


Right over there. Thank you, man.

Uh...

I ain't helpin' cover up another murder.

Oh, no, no, I just need a ride to the airport.

Dressed like that?

Ben sent me.

You got cash?

That's part of the problem.

I have this watch.

Get dressed, I'll get my keys.

No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing badly.

See, that's what's wrong with you, you should be kissed and often.

Easy. And by someone who knows how.

Gone with the wind.

You're good.

Ok, I mean, he went from totally geek to totally chic.

Uh, eh, another hint?

Oh, I, Kenneth is trying to pull a Ronald Miller scam...

- can't buy me love. -Yes!

Another classic. Oh!

Aw, there she is!

I, are we too close?

No, we'll be fine here. Ok.

Did you know 90 percent of bees are female?

They dance to communicate the location of the closest nectar.

I didn't know that.

Your hands are so soft, but firm.

Are you a pianist?

I wish.

I was a writer, I'm not sure what I am now.

What you are and what you do are two completely different things.

So you are at the very least a husband, father, son, and, I assume, a friend to someone, as well as being my strange passenger.

That's what you are.

What you do is play piano.

Uh, write, writer.

I thought you gave that up?

I see what you did there, pretty sneaky, sis!

Big difference between human doin' and human bein'.

Startin' to see where your grandson gets all his insight.

Sure as hell wasn't from that hippie urban school.

How long you been hitched?

14, 15 years.

Ah, she put up with ya that long?

Huh, yeah.

She must be a good woman.

She is.

She is, all right.

Where is she now?

You know, people make seriously bad life-altering decisions when they're trying to do instead of be.

If you lose somethin' important, you'll live your whole life wishin' ya had it back.

What's gone is gone, can't bring it back!

Unless...

I was just messin' with ya!

You lost your sense of humor, too!

See those flowers over there?

Yes. The flashy petals, the scent, designed to attract pollinators.

Step this way.

Bees sting ya in there.

Swimming in their own honey.

Worry not, honey, I'm trained.

Ah, hey, hey!

Looks like someone hit the jackpot!

Yeah, ok, please work, please work!

Come on, girls.

- Daddy! Hey!

Hi, daddy!

Hey, girls, oh, I miss you so much!

- We miss you, too! I love you!

- Listen, I'm comin' home early. Yay, yes!

Wait, where's mommy?

Mom's still at green acres, but she'll, she'll be back soon.

No, we don't want stepparents!

No, listen, I'm always gonna be... kids in our class always get new dads.

- Yeah. What?

Daddy, are you there?

Listen, listen, Molly, no, no, no!

Dammit, oh.

Did you say green acres?

Yeah.

Should be more like gigolo acres.

What? - My no-good nephew runs that place.

So, you're telling me Nate and Ben are related?

What'd you think, Ben's trespassing out there, killing other people's pigs?

So why is the great Nate cortes no good?

Ha, cortes.

His real name is Nate Smith.

He lives in a condo in Dallas, a- and he works in commercial real estate.

He's always losin' his shirt, pourin' out that fake farmer shit so he can impregnate the guests.

My wife is there with him right now.

Really? Yeah.

Well, it's not the first time he's been called daddy-o.

All right, we gotta go back.

We gotta go back, turn around!

Turn around, turn around, we have to go back!

Please! Now you're talkin', let's go get 'er!


Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want!

What do you want?

Did you just quote the notebook?

Correct!

You can't live your live for everyone else, you've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.

More notebook.

You know I'm a gentleman, and I don't want you to make any rash decisions or anything like that, but you also know there is some organic magic happening here.

Mm, organic magic.

Look, take all the time you want.

I can be patient for the soulmate of a lifetime, but I, I hate to see a passionate, under-cherished, beautiful woman like yourself leave the woods only to discover she...

Never really took a chance at living.

I'll be in my tipi.

There's a tipi?

That's as far as I go. What, why?

Well, I still gotta see that lunk birthdays and holidays.

Understood.

Hey,

don't lose somethin' important focused on the wrong thing.

I get it, thank you.

Godspeed, piano man!

Amanda!

Amanda!

Hello, hello?

Amanda, are you up there?

Hello!

Oh, captain, my captain.

Amanda?

Have you seen Amanda?

She's with Nate!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, no looking, no looking!

Hey, hey, excuse us!

Oh, bro, not cool! Carry on!

Ok.


All right.


Amanda!

Amanda!

Where are you?


Hey, gorgeous!

I got these drums at taos pueblo when I was staying at the lemuria earthship. Stop.

Stop playing now!


Amanda!

Jack?


Mmm.

You sang for me!

Yeah.

And you're up there!

I know, I don't know how I'm gonna get down.

No, I'm coming up, you climbed for me!

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too, I just I got caught up and all... no, please, all I need are you and the girls.

I'll teach English, I'll clean bathrooms, I don't care as long as I have you three.

Can you please forgive me?

Please, I've been such a complete jackass.

You sang to me.

And I'm not even drunk!

Hey, what happened to you, is that blood?

It's a long story.

Hey, Jack.

It's good to see ya, Jack.

Hey, Nate.

Yeah, Friday I'm in love!

You know, uh, the townsfolk are even better than Wikipedia.

You should all Google Nathaniel Smith.

Oh, ok. All right, why don't we start over here, all right?

Both of you booked rooms for the long weekend.

Why don't I just, uh, let you fine folks be.

Is that what you have to do before you go back to your real home in Dallas?

Nate Smith, Mr. organic farm boy lives in the big d?

Oh, ok! No, thank you!

I'll be happy to give you the rest of your stay here just free of charge, my treat.

Do you know the difference between fermentation and erosion?

Yes.

Oh, well, uh, tell your nephew he owes me a badge.

Sure.

I'm telling Jordan to unfollow him as soon as we get service.

What was that about? Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

So that's it, you're just gonna walk away, like nothin' ever happened here?

He's not important, let it go.

Let it go, frozen.

Hey, you two should take the trailer.

We're gonna go on an overnight trip, we'll let you be.

Oh, you don't have to... well... no, it's our pleasure, we were leaving anyways.

Abe promised me a pet pig.

Yeah, babe's gettin' a babe!

Be really careful.

You kids enjoy.

Solid advice.

Sure you're ok?

Yeah, better than I've been in... forever.

You can tell me about it later, but for now, no more talking.


Still up, professor?

I don't think you get that title teaching fifth grade English.

Are you starting a new book?

A blog actually.

A typewritten blog?

Yeah, it's all the rage.

I love you.

I love you, too.