American Dreamz (2006) Script

How are the numbers?


Absolutely incredible.


I'm leaving you.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm leaving you.

Yeah, I heard. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not kidding. I know.

Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.

You do?

You're a fantastic person, and the last year's been great, really.

You're beautiful.

The sex has been wonderful.

You're kind and supportive.

You wait for me with dinner when I work late, you're amazing.

And it's driving me out of my fucking mind!

You know, with numbers like this, this should be the happiest day of my life, and instead I have to worry about whether I make you happy all the time!

Jessica, sweetheart, you make me feel like being a better person.

And I'm not a better person.

I'm me.

I feel sorry for you.


I certainly don't.

In fact, I envy myself deeply.

Morning. Morning.

Good morning, Mr President.

And congratulations.

It's good to have you with us for another four years.

Thank you, Thomas. It's good to be back.

Would you like me to turn on the TV, sir?

Oh, no. That's okay.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

How about the paper? The paper, sir?

Yeah. What the heck?

We'll see what the New York Times has to say about things.

Bet they're eating some crow this morning.

We have a copy anywhere?

We can get one, sir.

All right, get one. And scare up my reading glasses.

I'm going to read the newspaper.

Shall I bring it to the workout room, sir?

No, I'm gonna read my paper right here in bed.

Take it a little easy this morning.

Well, you deserve it, sir.

Yes, I do. It was a heck of a fight.

Yes, sir, a heck of a fight.

The important thing is the good guys won.




This guy is pathetic! He's ruining every shot!

You, come here!

I'm sorry, sir. Sorry?

Is that what you're going to say when you endanger your brothers on the holy mission?

No. Just stay out of the shot.

Yes, sir.

My wife's cousin. Otherwise, I send him back home tomorrow!

Okay, everybody, from the top, huh? Let's shoot this puppy!

Come on. Come on.

One, pah!

Singular sensation Every little step she takes One, pah!

Thrilling combination Every move that she makes One smile and suddenly nobody else will do You know you'll never be lonely With you-know-who One moment Oh!

What is this?

Was I being loud?

You could hear it down into the valley.


That was rare.

You are lucky it was me who found you, not one of the others because they would cut your throat!

I'm so sorry. I like show tunes.

I grew up listening to them, my mother had a collection of 50 records.

Your mother was killed by an American bomb.

I know that.

That is why I'm here.

Look, I've got some news for you.

Your papers came through.

You are leaving next week for Frankfurt, and from there to Orange County.

You'll be staying at our mutual cousins'. They know nothing of your purpose there.

You are to just wait until your sleeper cell contacts you.

When will that be?


I can't. I just can't, I can't, I can't. I can't possibly. I can't do it.

It's too horrible. Please, not another season, please.

I beg you, don't make me do it. Don't make me do it.

Don't make me do it. Everyone's ready for you, sir.

Right, terrific. Okay, let's go! Let's rock and roll, yeah?

Good morning. Good morning, everyone. Lovely to see you again.

Or, rather, not see you. Can we have the house lights, please?



Not next Tuesday. Cheers. Boo!


Here we are again. Here we are, yet again.

Here we are, producing the most popular show on television.

The show to which not only America, but now the whole world is glued. Yay!

Which brings me to the task at hand.

When you're on top, there's only one place to go.

And where is that? Down!

Who said that?

"Down" is an incorrect answer.

The answer is "up." Up!

Because if you go down, do you know what happens?

All those people who were buttering you up and smiling at you just moments ago leap on you and kick you and kick you and kick you and kick you and kick you until you shut up.

Down is not an option.

So, let's go out there and get some great contestants.

And I don't just mean talented, I mean human.

And by human, I mean flawed. And by flawed, I mean freaks.

Bring me some freaks.

Let's make this a show that even I would watch.

Is it them? Is that them? Don't run!

Wait, wait, wait! Your hair!

Okay, okay, okay. Stop, Mom. All right. Go!

Oh, Goddess, please, please, please.

Sally Kendoo? Yeah.

We're from American Dreamz.

I know. And we're here to tell you...

You've been selected to perform on the show.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Why do you do that? Do what?

You know what.

Just once I would like to tell when... What are you doing?

Sorry. Screaming.

Yes! Yes! Stop! Stop, stop screaming.

Stop. Dude.

I'm really sorry. We're gonna have to do this all over again.

You're gonna have to go inside, and come out and jump for joy all over again, because we didn't get it on camera.


Yes! I got it! I got it!

She's good. Yes! Yes!

There's my guy.

Congratulations, Mr President.

You said we'd tear them a new one and we tore them a new one.

Excuse me.

The big guy up there tore them a new one. He smited them.

Smote. Smote, smited, whatever.

What's with the papers? New puppy?

They're newspapers. I can see that.

Hi, Mrs P. You look beautiful. Good morning, Wally.

So, Mr P, you ready to meet the press? Not right now.

Mr P, we discussed this.

I mean, it was your idea to meet the press after the big win.

Herald in a new era of openness, what with our overwhelming mandate.

Yeah, I know. It's just that there is a lot of stuff in here.

It... There's a lot of interesting things.

Well, yeah, there is a lot of stuff. They have to fill the pages with something.

But I think "interesting" is stretching it.

Well, for instance, did you know that there are two kinds of Iraqistanis?

I mean, actually, three kinds of Iraqis.

Do you mean, Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds?

You knew about this?

So did you. You knew this, Mr P.

Yeah, but... It's in your weekly digests.

It's not like in this country, where whites and blacks and Latinos all get along and there's no prejudicial deal between them. I mean, these people, they have some long-standing beefs with each other.

Look, honey. American Dreamz is coming on again soon.

That's great. Great.

Mr President, we have to get you dressed and prepped.

The press is waiting for you.

You mean, they're all out there waiting for me?

They certainly are.

Well, I just want to sit here and read for a while.

I think I deserve a break. I'm kind of exhausted.

Mr P, we need...

I am not going out there right now, g-damn it!

Move it. Fun in a bucket. Fun in a bucket, everybody.

All right, all right.

Hey, Willie, where's Sally? Get her down here!

Oh, you know how girls are. Yeah.

Hey, man. That's some girlfriend you got. When you gonna marry that girl?

We're talking about it, Uncle Fitz.

We're thinking maybe next spring, huh?

All righty. All right!

Hey, Sally, it's you-know-who. Come on in, Willie.

The door's locked, babe.

What are you doing up here, Sally, when everybody's down there celebrating your triumph?

Great. I'm really excited for them.

And they're really excited for you.

You know, I am, too. I don't think I've ever been prouder in my life.

You know what?

I was pretty excited for myself, too, for like a half hour.

And then it sunk in that this means nothing.


Sally, this is your dream. You've always wanted to be on TV.

No. I've always wanted to be a star.

Isn't that the same thing?

No, Willie, it's not the same thing. Any idiot can be on TV nowadays.

All you have to do is swap your wife or eat a sheep's anus or something.

Yes. Yes, but you are gonna sing.

Yeah. I'm gonna sing.

I'm gonna sing. And I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough!

Seven years! No, you know what I am?

I am the best karaoke singer in this county of Ohio.

I'm going to go all the way out there, right?

And I'm gonna come right back home and lose in the first round because I'm just... I'm not good enough!

No way. Yes.

No way. Yes.

No way, no way, no way. You're cute.

You got a great voice.

You got personality.

And you got a great voice.

Why, I think you're gonna win the whole damn thing.

And if for some reason those folks have their heads up their stinkholes and you don't win, for whatever reason, I'm not gonna love you any less.

I'm gonna love you more because I see your real beauty and I don't need no TV show to show it to me.

Honey, I got some big news today, too.

I'm being made assistant manager, plumbing fixtures.

Assistant manager.

And you know what happens next.

Manager, plumbing fixtures.


I think it's time we broke up.


It's just... I don't think it's working anymore.

Sure it is. It's going great. Not really.

No, your life is here.

And my life is...

Or maybe it's...

But either way, see, I can't take you with me.

But I love you.

I love you. Damn it, you can't do this to me.

No, listen. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't take it.

You stay up here and cry.

I'm going to go down and greet my fans.


Hi, everyone! Now, who'd like to hear a little song?


She's a very freaky girl The kind you don't bring home to mama She's a super freak Super freak She's super freaky


Do you want this?

Do you?

Well, then get your ass in gear!

Lqbal, darling. What?

Your cousin Omer is arriving any minute.

Okay, I'll be up in a moment. I'm doing something here.

No, not in a moment. A moment with you stretches into an hour.

Your cousin has come halfway around the world. Let's show him some hospitality.

You come up right now!

Don't get me upset today, okay? You know I don't like to get upset.


What a home. It is stupendous.

What, this old place? Nazneen!


ALl: There you are. Aunt Nazneen.

This young man thinks our little home is stupendous.

What, this old shack? Let me see you. Let me see you.

Hey, Omer!

Could this be little Shabnum?

Call me Shazzy. Everyone does.

I'm so excited you're here. It's been, what, 10 years, right?

Yes. We're gonna party like rock stars!


Oh, Omer. Omer.

I am so, so sorry about your mother.

You know I loved her very, very much.

I told her to leave Baghdad. It's too dangerous.

But she was headstrong.

No, no, Nazneen. This is a happy day. Remember.

Oh, yes, of course, sweetie. Yes, honey.

Hey, lqbal, this is your cousin, Omer!

Hello. Hi. Long time no see.

Come on. Come on, everybody. Come on, sweetheart.

Come on, let's be happy. Yes.

The President hasn't made a public appearance for the last three weeks.

What about the rumours that he has a mystery ailment?

There is no mystery ailment.

As we all know, the campaign process takes a lot out of a person.

And the President has been enjoying the intervening time to rest and reflect.

Is it true that he left President Putin on hold for 30 minutes when the Russian president called to congratulate him?

Absolutely not.

The President and Mr Putin had a nice talk.

The President considers him a close friend, while of course, deeply mistrusting his undemocratic tendencies.

Sir, what about the rumours that the President had a nervous breakdown?

Nervous breakdown?

Look, fellows, I would like to remind everyone that we're still at war here.

The terrorists are looking to exploit any sign of weakness.

And it's not a question of if, but when they're going to launch a major attack ending life on Earth as we know it.

So let's just try and keep a positive attitude.

Okay, that's it.



Oh, hey, Poopie.

When did you get up? Four hours ago.

It's time for you to get dressed.

I picked you out a nice suit.

We both think you need to get up and get out of this bedroom.

Who's we? Hi, Mr P.

Oh, hi, Wally, I didn't hear you come in. I guess you were distracted.

Wally, be careful with that pile. That is the Canadian press.

Canadian press?

What on earth are you doing reading the Canadian press?

Who outside of Canada gives a shit about the Canadian press?

Wally, language. They're our neighbours.

Our neighbours?

Sir, you are worrying me, here.

I don't know how long I can cover for this.

Well, there is nothing to cover for.

I'm just... I'm just trying to figure out a few things.

If you wanted more info, sir, why did you cancel the weekly briefings?

Because I'm not sure I'm getting the straight poop from them, that's all.

I mean, Iran and North Korea are not just like Dr Octopus and Magneto.

You don't like cartoons? Fine, they're gone.

Joe, we're trying to help, here.

Linda? Well, we were wondering maybe you ought to take some of these.

What, your hormone pills?

They're not hormone pills, they're happy pills.

They make you happy when you're sad.

Well, hold on here.

Are you sad? No. I'm happy.

But I think you're a little sad, maybe.

I think maybe you ran so hard, you fought so well for this wonderful victory, so that you could help your country, and...

You fought so well for a wonderful victory.

Fought so well for the wonderful victory that you...

Now you have the wind, the wind knocked out of you.

You're wondering, what was the point of it all.

Why you? Why now?

Why did the Lord pick you out of all people?

What are your special qualifications? And did the Lord even pick you?

Or was it just having really, really powerful friends?

Are you saying the Lord didn't pick me?

The Lord did pick you. He picked you.

Of course he picked you, honey.

The thing is, we just can't have a President who stays in his pyjamas all day.

Come on, sir.

The country needs you.

I like the country.

Well, that's good. Because you're its President.

Hello, William. Hi, Mrs Kendoo.

I just came by to say good-bye to Sally.

Well, have you up and joined the Army?

I have, Mrs Kendoo.

I just feel like since Sally dumped me, my life has been meaningless.

So, I'm trying to find meaning by defending my country.

And I just wanted to tell Sally that.

Well, William, that's very sincere of you, but Sally isn't here.

She's in New York meeting with agents.

Agents? They're folks that...

They act greedy and mean for you, so you can seem like a nice person.

But Sally is a nice person.

So I'm not gonna get to see her, then, am I?

I'm afraid not, William.

Well, you just tell her that wherever I am, I'll be thinking of her.

And I got her face tattooed on my arm.

It's from our prom photo.

Well, it's beautiful work.


Now I feel like a terrible person.

Oh, you can't help it if that boy wants to go do something foolish like get a tattoo.

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, bored, bored of these contestants.

I want some variety, okay?

I want someone to love, I want someone to pity, I want someone to laugh at.

I want someone to masturbate over. Well, possibly we have that already.

I want... I want an Arab.

I'm part Arab.

No, don't be ridiculous.

No. Mother's Syrian. Dad's Korean.

Good God. All right, then.

Bring me a fellow Arab. And a Jew.

Bring me an Arab and a Jew.

What about an Arab Jew?

Don't be funny.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Martin, I've got the White House on the phone for you.

No, love. I don't think you have. I think I do.

Hello? Martin Tweed.

No commercials.

Don't be ridiculous. We can't do no commercials.

The PR benefit to you will more than make up for it.

With all due respect, we are the number one show on TV.

We are watched by college freshmen, grandmas in retirement homes, death-row inmates, nuns.

We hit every demo. That is the reason you've come to us.

You need the PR more than we do.

We're talking about the President of the United States, here.

Yeah, a President who hasn't been seen in public for weeks.

There are rumours he's gone bonkers.

He hasn't gone bonkers. Doing great. Feeling good, has a good sense of humour, tremendous popular appeal. Man of the people.

That's why we want to get him out there in a big way.

I heard you're also booking him on Larry King and Oprah.

That's correct. No, that is incorrect.

If he does our show, he cannot do any other show before our show and he cannot do another show for at least a week afterwards.

But those are talk shows.

The President's old friends with Larry and he loves Oprah.

Don't we all? Still, those are my terms.

No other TV appearances. Two commercial breaks.

No commercial breaks. Two.

One. One.

One commercial break.

Okay. Okay. Great! Great!

Looks like the President's gonna be a guest judge on American Dreamz.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, well, now he looks as strange as you two do.

Nonsense. He looks adorable.

He barely let us spend anything on him. All this stuff was on sale.

Thank you so much. This is more than I need.

You see? You two need to learn a lot from this fellow.

Darling, we must get him his own credit card.

Why not?

Hey, Omeriser. Want to see something cool?

Watch out. Super-gay-meister might jump you!

Shut up, hairy she-male! Let's go.

She's a super freak Super freak She's super freaky



Okay. Thank you.

Thanks. Oh, the shaking.

Okay, now you're just making fun of me. Stop.

No! No!

No, you are extremely talented, cousin.

Not only as a singer but as a dancer. You have pizzazz, my friend.


You really think so? Yes.


How strange to not be met with mockery.

Who mocks you?

Everyone! That's why no one's allowed down here.

Oh, this is a spectacular set-up you have.

You think so?

Gosh! I really wish you would have been here last month!

I taped an audition for American Dreamz.

Had to have Shazzy run the camera. She couldn't stop shaking with laughter.

So, how do you work the lighting in here? Oh, I'll show you.

Hey, how long you been in Iraq? Fourteen months.

Wow. Fourteen months. You must have seen a lot of stuff.

This is my first day here.

In fact, I just joined the Army two weeks ago.

I had kind of an accelerated basic training.

I was pretty surprised when they said, "Pack your bags, you're going to Iraq."

Honestly, I thought they were joking.

Hey, you got any advice for me?

Don't get shot.

Don't get shot!

Okay. Will do.

What was that?

I think you just got shot.

My tattoo!

First off, I think you're really talented and you have a chance to win this whole thing.

A chance? She's going to win it all, mister.

Mom, shut up. Go on, Chet Krogl.

Thank you. I know she's gonna win, Martha. That's why I'm representing her.

But winning American Dreamz isn't just about talent.

You have to have a story.

Now, the whole poor white trash thing is great.

Well, we're not white trash.

No. No, no, no. Of course not, of course not.

But it doesn't hurt to imply that you are.

Look what it's done for Britney Spears.

See, everyone in America thinks they're middle class.

So they like to have someone to look down on.

We are middle class.

Mom, shut your gaping pie hole. Go on, Chet Krogl.

Human interest is what wins these things.

Now, absent father's not bad.

You two are divorced, right?

Well, Daddy lives with another man in Chicago.

Another man.

Maybe? Well, no.

Let's not feature that. That's too much of a wild card.

Now, one thing that is important, Sally, is that you not appear to want it too much.

I'm just singing for the love of singing.

As long as I get to get on that stage and perform in front of that incredible audience, I'm happy.

Not bad. Not bad.

Now, of course, on the inside, you do need to want it really badly.

Mr Krogl, I'd rather jab my eyes out with toothpicks and eat them than lose this thing. Okay. Awesome!

There's sort of this Hollywood thing, the camera puts on 10 pounds.

So, you're gonna want to lose 20. Screw you.

I control my weight swings. No one else.

Having a little extra meat, taking it off, packing it on can make people root for you.

It hasn't hurt Oprah.

I love Oprah.

We're busy!

Could you get that? Yes.

Oh, my Lord! Sally, you better get over here.

It's William. He's back. And I think he's been wounded.

Oh, my God.

I know. Poor William.

I don't think he's going away.

Who's William?

It's Sally's old boyfriend.

She broke up with him a few weeks ago.

Yeah, it just wasn't gonna work.

Every time he smiled, I wanted to hit him in the head with my shoe.

So he's a returning war veteran injured in Iraq?

That's right.


Sally, remember what I said about human interest being the thing that wins American Dreamz?

Hi, William.

Hi, Sally. I'm back.

Brought you some flowers.

Oh, gosh. Thank you, William.

I got injured in Iraq.

Yeah, I can see. I'm so, so sorry.

Well, I just came to say hi, so...

Yeah. But, William, I'm actually really happy that you're home and you're back and you're alive.

Sorry, sorry. No big deal. No big deal.

Listen, I'm so happy to see you, too. I...

Sally, who's the guy with the video camera? Nobody. He's just my agent.

Oh, cool.

Keep going. Don't mind me.

This is Linda Garvey reporting live from the White House.

It is his first official state visit since his re-election and the President is hosting the Premier of China.

Unfortunately, news cameras weren't allowed inside for the meeting.

I am terrified of North Korea.

I keep having this nightmare.

That the sirens are going off and then someone rushes in and tells me that the North Koreans are attacking.

So I run to get my Bible, but I can't find it.

And then the sky goes dark.

Do you ever have nightmares?

Vamp. Improvise.

Bye-bye. Sure you don't want to sleep over?

All right. Next time. Bye, now.


I think that went really well.

He seems like a real nice guy.

Yes, he's very nice.

Very nice, for a communist dictator.

What the hell is going on here, Joe?

I mean, have you had a frigging nervous breakdown?

Uh, no.

"Uh, no" is not a very reassuring answer.

Joe, you remember when we first met?

When I came up to you at that fundraiser for your dad and I said, "You're gonna make one hell of a President," and you said, "You mean my dad is," and I said, "No, pal. You are."

I kind of remember it. I was pretty toasted.

Is that what's happening here? Are you getting toasted again?

Do you have a bottle hiding somewhere? No! Of course not.

'Cause I'm there for you.

It's just that there are some things that kind of seemed pretty black-and-white.

And now they, kind of, becoming a little grey-seeming.

I'll tell you one thing that isn't grey-seeming.

Your numbers.

The only demo where you have an approval rating above 30%% is with children under the age of five. You know what they're saying out there?

Yeah, I've been reading the papers.

They're saying you've disappeared. They're saying you've gone cuckoo!

Look, Mr President.

We have a lot of important work to do.

We're making democracies and you have to keep your eye on the prize!

First off, no more newspapers.

In fact, no more reading. Back to the regular briefing.

Second off, we're gonna up the dosage on your medicine.

Third off, we're going on a publicity blitz to show the world that you're still going strong, still have the common touch.

And to start off with, you're gonna be a guest judge on American Dreamz.

Are you sure that's dignified? Oh, it will be dignified.

And charming. And populist and on-message.

Because you'll be wearing this.

What is that?

Hey, Omer. Want to go to the mall?

We just went last weekend.

Yeah. Now we're going again.

Why? Did you forget to purchase something?

If you do not mind, I think I will pass on the mall today, I would like to just stay here and relax.

Okay. Bye! Bye.


Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You're too kind. You're too kind, really. Thank you very much. Thank you.

And now a piece from the classic, Guys and Dolls.

This is really a new low.

This lqbal guy can't sing. Neither can the Hasidic guy.

What? The Hasidic guy rules.

Wait! I hear singing. Start the camera. Start the camera.

Luck be a lady tonight Luck be a lady tonight, pah!

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with Luck be a... tonight

May I help you?

You do not understand. I have no desire to be on a television show.

But you have real talent. Do you really think so?

But it is a moot point, because it is not I you are looking for.

It is my cousin, lqbal.

I want him. No, I don't want him.

I need him. I love him.

That is it. That's my Arab. Lqbal's out. Omer's in.

Okay. We're working on it.

Now here's a tape that Sally Kendoo's agent sent over.

She's the white-trash girl from Ohio.

Apparently, she has a boyfriend who was injured in the Iraq war, and this is footage of their reunion.

Now look at this right here.

Did you get that?


Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.

Did you get that?

Dirty bitch.

Oh, my God. It's Martin Tweed!

Martin Tweed, everyone!

Oh, my God!

Get back. Get back, everyone!

Mr Tweed.

Come on in. Thank you very much.

Mrs Kendoo? Oh, yes.

And a lot of other Kendoos.

Can I get you some hot bundt cake or how about a beer?

No, thank you very much. I'm on a strict sashimi diet.

Martin, Chet Krogl. We met at upfronts a couple of years ago.

Right. Yeah, Chet Krogl.

I don't want to talk to you. Okay. No problem.

Do you know what? Do you think I might go upstairs and talk to Sally in private?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Cool car. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Not easy renting a Ferrari in Padookie, Ohio.

I'm surprised that you're here, 'cause I thought we were supposed to meet for the first time onstage at the show.

Yeah. Normally we would. I never produce these segments.

But I heard Padookie was an exciting town, thought I'd check it out.

That was a joke. I'm aware.

You didn't laugh.

It wasn't funny.


But why didn't you laugh just to kiss my ass?

I figure you didn't need me to kiss your ass.

I mean, I'm sure you have people kissing your ass 24 hours a day.

And I guess, like, not kissing your ass is like kissing your ass for most people.

Absolutely right.

It's weird. One can become quite detached from reality when one's famous.


That sounds so cool.

Yeah, it can be.

So, Sally, I've seen your tapes and I think you're very talented.

Really? You do? Well, moderately.

But beyond that...

Beyond that?

I think I like you.

I don't mean romantically, I mean I think I like you as a human being.

So, have you ever been in a Ferrari before?

Yeah, yeah, tons of times.

You know, sometimes I'll be driving my Enzo down Mulholland Drive, really gunning it. I'll look at the little railing at the side of the road and the steep drop just beyond that and I'll think, "Wouldn't it be great just to shoot off the edge of the cliff?"

Wouldn't that be fun? Mr Tweed, I...

No, no, no, no, no. Don't call me Mr Tweed. Call me Tweedy.

Like Tweety Bird, but with a 'd'? Exactly, yeah.

You know, my mum used to say to me, "Martin, you have no talent.

"No one will ever love you."

Well, look at me now, Mum! Look where no talent will get you!

You jealous, drunk old bitch.

Really, that's great.

But, Tweedy, can you help me win?

Because I would do absolutely anything to win this show.

I'd love to help you, Sally, but there's only so much I can do.

It's down to you. You've got to make the people love you.

The way that they love you? Nope. Nobody loves me.

My mum was right about that. But it's fine, I don't care.

I don't want the fake bullshit that passes for love in this world.

Well, you don't have to worry about me, I'm not even sure that I like you.


My God, I can't believe I just said that out loud.

I never say stuff like that out loud.

I think you are a rapacious little bitch.

Well, I think you're a self-involved, preening idiot.

Sociopathic, egomaniacal, Madonna wannabe.

No-talent, famous-for-being-famous, third-rate, Regis Philbin clone!

So, at the mall today, I upgraded my plan to 5,000 minutes, but it's a family plan.

Thank you, Auntie. You should've gotten 10,000.

Lqbal? Yeah.

Something very odd happened today. It's funny, really.

You see, these people from the American Dreamz television show came by.

Yeah? And...

And? And I was using your stage and they heard me singing and they want me to be on the show.

I'm sorry. Did you say they want you to sing on the show?


Isn't that amusing?

Holy crap. Shazzy.

Congratulations, Omer! Thank you.

"Congratulations, Omer!" That's what you have to say!

"Congratulations, Omer!"

Do you know how hard I have worked to get on this show?

You've stolen my dream!

I'm so sorry. I told them. I told them they had made a mistake.

But do not worry.

I will simply refuse to be on the television show. Yes?

Yes, and then they must take you instead.

They don't want me.

Nobody wants me!

Nonsense, sweetheart. We all love you.

Is that going to make me famous? I don't think so.

Next week, the exciting premiere episode of American Dreamz.

Which of these hopefuls will live the next American dream?

Wait. Rewind the TiVo.

Pause it.

Hello. Hello, Mrs Riza.

Is Omer at home, please? Yes, he is.

Who shall I say is asking for him?

Just some friends.

Come in, please.

Sun block, anyone? Yes. Thank you, Auntie.


Now, I am going to bring you boys a little treat.

Thank you.

Very cushy situation you have here.

No pool? No. No, just the Jacuzzi.

The Western Command has learned of you being chosen to sing and dance on a hedonistic television show aptly named American Dreamz.

Wow. You guys heard about that?

It's all a big mistake, you see.

They got me mixed up with my cousin.

Because I would never engage in such a frivolous activity.

In fact, I'm going to tell them I will not be on the show.

You are to do no such thing.

You are to perform on the show.

And you must get to the championship round, because judging the championship round will be none other than the President of the United States of America.

The President?

When you are onstage with the President, you will have smuggled in an explosive belt.

And you are to martyr yourself.

Killing, in the process, the head of the serpent.

What if I don't make it to the final round?

Omer, folks don't call me "The Torturer" because I don't like to torture people.

You know what I mean?

Now, who would like to try some grapefruit sorbet?

In a busy political week capped by a marked increase in his approval ratings, the President has stepped back into the public eye in a string of high-profile events.

Earlier this week, he hosted the Ukrainian President, lifted weights with the head of the Organisation of African States, spent some time with his dog, Henry, and chatted with Carmen Electra at a black-tie event.

Thank you. You come back now, all right?

Okay. Nice meeting you. Okay.

After weeks of seclusion, suddenly the President is everywhere.

Even signing on to guest judge the finale of the top-rated television show, American Dreamz.

You hear that? We're back.

All right. Now hold still.

It tickles.

You want to wear this thing all night? Then sit still.

This thing is incredible. Great reception.

I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.

Hell of a week, sir! You really got back on message.

That's because you're telling me what the message is.


I just love that Carmen Electra. Thanks.

I would have never had the courage to go up and talk to her by myself, face to face.

Engaging girl.

Good night, Mr President.

One and two. Three and four.



What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just rehearsing some dance steps.


Look, lqbal.

I am so sorry... Stop.

I don't want your pity. Does it look like I need pity?

No, no, no. You have far too much dignity.

If these people know nothing about talent, there's not much I can do about it, is there?

So let's see it. Let's see your dance steps.

All right.

One and two. Three and four.


Oh, there's no way you're gonna win this thing.

I know. I fear as much.

Get up there. Up on the stage.

Are you sure?

Do it. Before I change my mind.

Okay. Now this is just the bass track. It's good to practice moves to.

I don't like this kind of music. It's just a bass track. It's just for rehearsal!


Now, one problem you have is you move like a re-animated corpse in a zombie movie.

Not good.

You need to loosen up.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Free-form jazz dancing, right now, immediately.

Lqbal, why are you helping me?

I destroyed your dream.


You did.

But that was yesterday.

Today, I've turned a page on a new chapter in my life.

I'm not sure being a performer was ever what I was really meant for.

I'm more of a behind-the-scenes player. A puppeteer.

A Svengali, if you will.

As of today, I'm your manager.

This is Martin Tweed, and I am in the small town of Padookie, Ohio.

Our first dream starts right here, where local chanteuse Sally Kendoo hopes her dream comes true.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was always Sally's idea to perform, not mine.

I mean, she's been wanting to do this since she was six months old.


She did it before. She's just shy. Come on, honey. Sing!

The last remaining business on Main Street is Harry's Hangdown Bar and Grill where Sally works as a part-time waitress.

The Hangdown is a home away from home for the largely unemployed male population of Padookie.

Come on! Yeah!

Sally's high-school sweetheart is a decorated war veteran, a real American hero.

And halfway across America, hailing from halfway around the world, Omer Obeidi lives with his cousins, the Riza Family.

A refugee from the mayhem of the Middle East.

I cannot believe my good fortune to be competing on the show.

This is truly an American dream come true.



America, you will be Omerised.

Like any American kid, Omer likes to hang out at the mall where his posse all know him.

Omer, American Dreamz, baby!

Yo, Big O! I like your style.

O-mizzer! That's my dawg right there!

Keep it real, man! Remember that. Keep it real.

There may not be peace in the Middle East, but there is Middle East in this piece, as we visit cantor Sholem Glickstein, recent Israeli immigrant.

I wish Omer luck.

I wish all of the contestants luck, because I'm coming for them.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear that? I am coming for you, bitches! I am coming for you!

Looks great.

Big day tomorrow, boss. You fired up?

Yes. I am fired up.

Debra? Yes.

Do you think I'm lovable?


Yeah. Yes, sure, very.


I love you. That's all I know.

Okay, thanks. You can go.

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome back, America!

Boo! Boo!

I'm Martin Tweed and I am so delighted to be back with another exciting season of American Dreamz.

We have some amazing dreamers who are gonna perform for you tonight.

Some will triumph. Some will sink back into obscurity.

Only one will become America's newest sensation.

It's up to you, America.

Only you have the awesome power to lift someone up into the heavens and create a new star.

And here are your dreamers!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, watch your step! Watch your step!

Go, go, go, go! Come on, get on up there!

Let's go! Go! Move it out! Move it!

I'd like to dedicate this song to a real American hero.

My boyfriend, William Williams.

He risked his life for our freedom, and that's a real American dream.

Mommy, don't drink Me to bed tonight What's gotten into Your head tonight?

Did I make you mad?

Is that why you're sad?

And, Daddy, where have You been all my life?

Mommy said that You got a new wife And there's nothing to do But I know that's not true And there's no one to hold me Close when I cry To rock me so gentle Till the storm passes by And I'm just a kid But I know it ain't right So, Mommy, don't drink Me to bed tonight


I think you're terrific.

In fact, I think you have star quality.

Thank you, Mr Tweed.

Sally Kendoo.

Girl, let's not be friends

'Cause we've shared too much Girl, you know that I'm yearning for your touch

'Cause I can't be less than your everything

'Cause I'll lay down and cry I'll curl up and die Don't let this be how my story ends It's love or good-bye So let's not be friends I'm a rocking man I'm a genuine rocking man I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock Rocking man!

I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock I never felt This way Before Girl, you know I want you I got a rocket launcher So, baby, let's get raunchy tonight Let's get raunchy tonight I don't want to taunt you Or take you out and flaunt you So, baby, let's get raunchy, all right Let's get raunchy, baby


I only have two words for you.

Mazel tov!

No, you were wonderful. Really, wonderful.

Good news, Pauly. I don't want to be your friend.

In fact, you make me want to projectile vomit.

Bobby, I think my ears are actually bleeding. You are like a musical Ebola virus.


I'm afraid I have felt this way before.

And it was just before I tried to kill myself. Sorry, love.


I hate you!

Nice girl. Cindy.

Here he is.

Fantastic, Omer.

Don't clap. No, no, of course.

To dream The impossible dream

To fight The unbeatable foe To bear With unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go What the hell is that? He looks like he stepped on a scorpion.

This is my quest To follow that star No matter how hopeless No matter how far To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march into hell For a heavenly cause Go, Omer. Go.

To reach the unreachable star You have been Omerised! Pah!

Omer, that was strange.

Strange, but rather wonderful.

I think I have been Omerised.

I think I might be Omer-sexual.

Oh, my God!


Oh, my God. Oh, my God.


They came on boats From across the sea From faraway places And far distant lands And still they come To a place where they're free They fly in on planes With hope in their hands Sometimes it feels Like we're stuffed to the seams But it's everyone's God-given right To follow their dreams My American dream Will come true for me My American dream For all to see Every woman and man Has their own destiny To dream American Dreamz Dreamz with a Z To dream American Dreamz Dreamz with a Z We began the show with 50 dreamers.

Now we're down to just three.

Boo. Boo!

How are you doing?

You all right?

And the two finalists

will be revealed after this commercial break brought to you by American Motors, introducing "The Tank," 50%% larger than the next biggest SUV on the road, because you need it.

And we're out! Come on, people. Hair and makeup, let's go, let's go.

All right. Give me some room over here, Travis.

Calm, calm, calm, calm. Thank you, thank you very much.

Here you go. And you're supposed to be drinking this.

Must I? Contractually, yes.

Your envelope. Thank you.

All right, let's wrap it up. Let's get it started.

Let's get the chairs out, let's go.

Get the lead out. Big smiles, everyone.

Big smiles. And we're back. Three, two.

Excuse me. Delicious. That's wildly refreshing.

And now, America, you have voted.

Sholem Glickstein? Yeah.

You are

not a winner.

This week's winners who will move on to the championship round are Sally Kendoo and Omer Obeidi. And don't forget, on next week's finale, special guest judge, the President.


I have a confession to make.

I haven't been taking my happy pills.

Actually, I haven't been taking mine, either.

But you don't seem sad. Well, I guess I'm not.

At first, those happy pills really helped me a lot.

But, eventually, I think they were just kind of like placebos.

Placebos? Aren't they illegal?

No, Poopie. It means fake.

Well, yeah.


You know, I guess I kind of feel like I'm a placebo.

I mean, I've had speech writers writing for me all my career, and advisors telling me what positions to take.

I can't even remember why I wanted to get into politics to begin with.

I think it's 'cause my mom wanted me to.

Show my dad any idiot could do it.

Maybe I ought to just chuck the whole thing. What do you think?

Starting with that American Dreamz deal.

Don't you say that.

Do you remember what I said the first time I met you?


"Hey, jerk-off, you spilled your beer on me."

After that.

When you went and got that towel and borrowed that T-shirt from one of your frat brothers for me.

I said, "Now that there is a good guy."

And I still think so today.

So you just go on and be on that show.

And then, afterwards, we will tell Wally no more earplugs, okay?

Well, how am I gonna know what to say?

Well, we will think of it together.


Look at this! "Omer Mania!"

"America's newest mascot, adorable, "Omer Obeidi has 'Omerised' the whole country."

It should have been me.

I mean, great, Omer! They love you!

Room service.

Hey, what are you gonna say when you meet the President?


"Sorry?" Omer, you crack me up.

Okay, we got two orders spicy tuna hand rolls, a plate of fresh fruit and some chimichangas.

Oh, you guys go ahead and start eating. I...

I have to go talk to the waiter in private for a moment.


You have become quite the famous man.

You know why they vote for you? Because they like me?

Because you are a figure of fun to them.

They see you prancing and singing and they can forget the terrors they've inflicted on our lands with their soldiers and weapons.

It could be. Yes, I guess.

But I have to hand it to you.

You have put us in a wonderful position to strike them a crippling blow.

About that crippling blow.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to do it.

You see, really, there is a lot of security there.

All you have to do is get me and the rest of your brothers on the guest list for the studio audience.

We will smuggle in the explosive device in pieces, assemble it there, and then you must only retrieve it in the toilet-seat-cover dispenser in the men's bathroom.

Then, when you meet the President and shake his hand, live on television, you will ignite the device.

And I will see you in paradise.

You will be killed, too?

Not yet. It's a pretty small bomb.

But I'll see you up there in a few years, I'm sure.

So, I'm just curious. How is this Martin Tweed in person?

Sally, Sally, Sally. I am so proud of you.

I always knew you had a great voice and now the whole world knows it, too.

William, no, no. I have not won yet. Everybody seems to be forgetting that.

You know, folks, they love that Middle Eastern guy.

They love you more.

They love us more. You know how many hits we got on our website last night?

Sixteen million.

Congratulations. Thank you.

God, William. You make me feel bad. Why do you care so much about me?


Because, honey, you are my dream girl.


I can't stand looking at those damn French fries anymore.

Just cover them up or something.

Sally Kendoo, I love you.

Okay? I love you.

I love how you binge eat and then starve yourself.

I love how pretty you sing, whether it's in the shower or in front of millions of TV viewers.

I look at you and I see that same girl that I fell in love with in high school.

And I'd like to know, right here and now, if you'd help to make my dream come true and marry me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord.

Hold it right there! Nobody move.

Chet, what are you doing? I'm calling the camera crew.

No, you're not. Put the phone down, Chet.

Chet, put the phone down right now! Chet, put the phone down!

What, are you kidding me? This is great stuff.

And, William, stand up, please. But...

Stand up.

Now, please understand. I am so touched by your proposal and the sweet things that you just said to me, but...

Right now is a really bad time.

Do it on the show!

On the show? Absolutely.

That's a great idea.

Really? Yes.

And do that thing about how every time you look at her you see the same girl you fell in love with in high school.

What, you were listening? I'm in the other room, man, so, yes.

And you. Hey, you! Are you still into winning this thing?

Because this is what we in the biz call "incredible television."

People are going to be in their living rooms, sobbing.

Then they're gonna be crawling over each other trying to get to the phone so they can call up and vote for you!

Well, I'm up for it if you are, Sally.

Yes! This guy!

We are gonna get into this with the producers.

Can I see that ring for a second?

Wow, that's great.

We're gonna get a bigger one so that it plays on TV, but there is nothing wrong with that ring.

Now, here's what I'm thinking, okay?

It's gonna be a special built around the wedding.

Do you sing at all, William? I can sing a little bit.

I thought you could sing a little bit.

I think we're gonna call it "Sally and William, sealed with a kiss."

What do you think about that? I love that.

Yeah, I think everyone's gonna love that.

Hey, Omer?

Can I buy you a beer?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not drink. But thank you.

Hey, do you ever wonder why you're doing this whole competition thing for?

Only every day.

But then I think of my mother.

She loved all types of singing.

It keeps me going on.

When I was 10 years old, I weighed 200 pounds.

That is large. Yeah.

And I told myself I would lose 90 pounds by the time I turned 14 or I would kill myself.

So I lost the weight.


I suddenly was really popular.

I had a whole new group of friends. I had this cute boyfriend.

Even my teachers liked me better.

And my mom and I walked around the entire house collecting all the pictures of me when I was fat and burned them.

I love my mom.


Good luck tomorrow.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm gonna have to destroy you.

Here is your chewing gum.

Remember, no blowing bubbles.

Is this really necessary?

Just a little bit higher. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, that's beautiful. Give me a little bit more in here.

Take my moustache down a little bit, too.

My cousin's gonna be in the finale.

William? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Omer's gonna go on first.

Then after Sally is done, we're gonna hit you with a spotlight.

Then you're gonna go onstage and do your proposal.

Got it? Got it.

All right. It's happening.

She's very excited.

It's a joyful moment. Joyful.

Hi, Tweedy. Hi, Sally.

Just wanted to say good luck tonight.

Thank you.

Could you just give us a quick second, please?

Sure, no problem. Thank you.


I think you're going to win.

Novelty contestants never win the whole thing.

That's why I've been helping him along. Thank you.

Hey, is something wrong?


I mean, nothing beyond the usual creeping dread.

All right. Well. I'm sure you know at this point that William is supposed to propose to me on tonight's show.


Do you think it's bad of me to accept a proposal from a man I don't love in order to manipulate people into voting for me?

"Bad." Such a nebulous word, isn't it?

You know what I think? I think everyone wants something.

William wants you.

Why? Because he has this idea in his head of what you are.

I don't think he cares if it's true or not, just so long as he keeps his fantasy alive.

So I think he deserves what he gets.

He deserves to be miserable? Why not?

You are, aren't you?

Despite your newfound fame and adulation?

Tweedy, I sometimes feel like you're the only person in the whole world who really gets me.


Sometimes I look at you and I see my own reflection.

It's revolting.

And attractive.

Martin, I'm not physically attracted to other people, but if you want me, I'm yours.

The problem is I find that whenever I become intimately involved with a woman I admire, it rapidly degenerates into mutual loathing.

I don't want that to happen to us.

Having said that...

Omer, are you okay?

Great. Great. Just a little nervous, I guess.

I just feel confused. About what?

About this country.

You know, there are so many nice people here, but it does so much harm in the world.


So, to what degree is this country culpable for its actions?

Are Americans to blame for America? And beyond that, can causing someone else to suffer ever truly ease one's own suffering?

Omer! You're wigging out. That bitch deserves to suffer!

What bitch?

Sally! Who are you talking about?

15 minutes, Omer.

Well, see, I think the dress works 'cause it flows nice.

The dress is gonna be a hit.

Hey, I'm gonna go run lines with Sally.

Well, don't be long. Okay.


Mr President, it's such an honour to have you here.

Happy to be here.

"Press here to explode yourself."

Where's Martin? Where the hell is Martin? Has anybody seen Martin?

He's in there. What the hell is he doing in there?

What are you doing? This isn't pretty.


That's Sally and Mr Tweed? Yep.

Are you seeing anybody? What?

It looks so much bigger on TV.

Hey, watch my foot, huh?

So, do you feel filthy? Not really.

How do you feel?

It's weird.

I don't actually loathe you. You, either.

Right. The President here yet?

Yeah! How you doing, everybody?

How many Omer fans do I have with me tonight?


And how many Sally fans do I have? She can hear you in the back!

And now your host, Martin Tweed!

That's Martin Tweed.

You're looking very good, sir. Very good.

Welcome, America.

Welcome, world. Welcome, everyone else.

Boo! Boo!

We've been through so much together.

We've laughed. We've cried. We've formed attachments.

And now, we're down to just two.

And to help me help you judge tonight, we're welcoming a very special guest.

The President of this great country, President Joseph Staton!

Thanks for having me on your show.


What do you think of these two great contestants, Mr President?

I think they exhibit what's best about America.

The spirit of resolve... The spirit of resolve that makes this the greatest country in the world.

They know what they want...

They know what they want and they go out and get it.

All right.

I'll be right back! Omer! Where are you going?

Where's that interference coming from?

Turn that frigging thing off!

And turn that frigging thing off!


Okay. Okay.

America, Mr President, without further ado, let me introduce America's favourite Middle Eastern import, Omer Obeidi!

Where the hell is he?

I don't know where he is... I'm going on!

Go, Omer!

My wife loves this guy.

And now the end is near That's a bad call. That's Frank's song. People aren't gonna respond to that.

Bold choice of song.

My friends I'll say it clear I'll state my case Of which I'm certain I've lived a life that's full I've travelled each And every highway But more, much more than this I did it My way I've loved, I've laughed and cried I've had my fill Mr President, what are you doing?

My share of losing I'm getting a lot of feedback in this thing.

And now, as tears subside I find it all So amusing To think I did all that And may I say Not in a shy way Oh, no Oh, no, not me I did it My way For what is a man?

What has he got?

If not himself then he has naught William Williams, you're a moron.

A moron. You stupid moron! Stupid moron!

And not the words Of one who kneels The record shows I took the blows And did it My way

I love you, Mom.

He nailed it!

That's my cousin!

We're gonna stand up.

Omer, meet the President.

Nice to meet you, sir.

He's talking to him.

What'd you think of Omer tonight, Mr President?

What did I think?

Mr President?

What did I think?

Mr President? Can you read me?

I think

I liked you.

Thank you, sir.

Go ahead.

Do it!

And I just want to say, in terms of the Middle East, that it looks like the problems over there are never going to be solved.


I mean never.

Never, never, never, never, never.

And so,

I'm sorry about that.

What the hell was that? I never said that!

Oh, Poopie.

Mr President?

I deeply hope, for all of our sakes, that you are wrong.

I hope so, too.

Nice singing.


On a brighter note, we'll be back after a short break with the enchanting Sally Kendoo.

And then you all will decide who is the winner of American Dreamz.

That's it! Show is over!

What are you talking about? There's another contestant.

Sorry, I'm taking my guy out!

Your guy, your guy just went way off reservation!

Talk about depressing. Half the audience want to shoot themselves!

And you, sir, are no Oprah!

I'd kind of like to see how Sally does.

All right, you. Where is the you-know-what?

And we're back in three, two.

Get off the stage! Get off the stage!

We're back!

And now all the way from Padookie, Ohio, America's newest sweetheart, Sally Kendoo!

Where the hell is William? He's supposed to be up here.

I would like to dedicate this song to someone very special in the audience, my boyfriend.

William Williams!

What? No!

No, he's supposed to propose after she sings!

He's an idiot! Yeah.

Excuse me a moment. This moron's missed his cue.

Let's all welcome Sally's sweetheart.

Decorated war veteran, William Williams!

I think, perhaps, William has something he wants to ask Sally.


Yes, William?

How could you do this to me?

How could I do what to you?

How could you sleep with Mr Tweed?


Boo! Boo!

I'm serious.

Well, seriously, William, I think it's common knowledge I would never ever, ever, ever sleep with a contestant on American Dreamz.

I saw you through the keyhole.

He nailed her?

I guess you two think I'm stupid.

I guess you all think I'm stupid.

Well, I'll show you how stupid I am.

I'm going to blow myself up with this bomb I found.

William, don't joke around about something like that.

Oh, I am not joking!

What the fuck?

Great idea! On-air proposal, Chet Krogl!

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

Get back to your camera! Get back to your camera!

Come back! Come back!

Get back to that camera!

Oh, no.

Mr Williams?

Mr Williams, do not do this. It is not worth it.

Your death will not solve any problems.

It'll solve the problem of me feeling miserable.

William? I'm the President.

I know who you are, sir.

Now, as your Commander in Chief, I'm gonna have to ask you not to blow yourself up.

Now, I've had dark days myself, William.

Days where I just wanted to lie in bed and dream.

Never get up.

But I have come to think that it is better to deal with reality,

no matter how unpleasant it is.

That's my guy.

No disrespect, sir.

But if I can't have Sally Kendoo then I don't want to go on living.

William, wait...

Stay there! Stay there!

My American dream Will come true for me

My American dream For all to see William! In here.

Every woman and man Has their own destiny

To dream American Dreamz Dreamz with a Z To dream American Dreamz Dreamz with a Z To dream American Dreamz Dreamz with a Z

What happened?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You won this thing. You won it.

Where are you going?

Listen, those three gentlemen right there. They were the ones with the bombs.

You see? Back there, those three. They were the ones with the bomb.


Mr President! Stop! Stop!

All right, everyone, please. Please, shut up.

It's starting.

Last season's finale was the highest-rated show in television history, as my boyfriend, William Williams, suffering from hallucinations caused by posttraumatic stress tragically lost his life.

There was a silver lining, though, as he was voted the surprise winner of American Dreamz.

I know he would have been so thrilled.

Fellow runner-up, Omer Obeidi, has been touring the country with a repertory of Broadway hits.

Go, Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile Greased Lighting Go, Greased Lighting Stop! Stop! Stop!

This isn't a hoedown!

Special guest judge, President Staton, recently returned from a Mid-East fact-finding tour with his new Chief of Staff.

You choose first, Poopie.

I guess I'll go for the newspapers first.

You take the intelligence reports and summit briefing and then we'll switch.

And I have some pretty big shoes to fill.


Welcome back to another season of American Dreamz.

I am so excited to be your new host, it's such a dream come true for me.

And I'd like to dedicate this season to someone who was very special to us all.

The great Mr Martin Tweed.

We will miss you so very much.

But now, on to an exciting new season!